We start off in a desert, where a semi-naked man wakes up. Uh, movie, I think we came in a little late, we missed at least ten minutes of reverse cowgirl and faked moans. But no, it’s just Bruce Banner, judging by the shredded jean shorts (what, you think people wear those by choice?). Off that… demure opening, we get the title and the most rising theme a Casio keyboard can produce. For some reason, I’m very disappointed that we’re following the XXX Avengers and not the Analvengers. Or Marvel’s Avengers Ass-emble. I don’t care if Nick Fury is a breast-man, never pass up the easy pun! Afterward, cable news—that’s the second least sexy thing I’ve ever seen in a porno—starts going on about a battle between the Hulk and the Abomination (Analmination?) in Las Vegas.

The damage was so extensive that even the city's priceless still-life photograph exhibit on the skyline was irrevocably besmirched with fire gifs.

Cut to Avengers headquarters, where apparently the housing bubble collapse has even hit Earth’s mightiest heroes, as it’s an abandoned warehouse. Choice table, though. Hawkeye complains about the housing, to which Nick Fury rejoinders about his purple mask. Wow, who would’ve expected that of two Avengers movies, the one Joss Whedon directed would be less post-modern. Fury continues that they’re supposed to be low-key, which I’m not sure is the best word to describe four porn stars in low-cut Halloween costumes.

Fury introduces the rest of the team—Scarlet Witch, Ms. Marvel, and Spider-Woman—and ScarWit asks what they’re doing here. Yeah, you weren’t in the movie! By all rights, this movie should be Pepper Potts, Maria Hill, and Black Widow, that’s it. And okay, maybe some of the Chitauri were women. Hey, it’d still be a better sex tape than Paris Hilton’s.

Iron Man shows up for another comment about the crappy set. “What’s the matter, Fury? Congress cut your funding?” Hey, what’s he look like to you, Planned Parenthood? An argument erupts over how to handle the Hulk, with Tony favoring the “Leave Hulk alone” strategy and Ms. Marvel wanting to snatch him. Not like that. (Maybe like that.)

Just as everyone starts arguing, Scarlet Witch casts a spell to silence all sound waves but hers, telling them that they’re acting like children (and she should know, she raised two demons that might’ve been children that might’ve then been reborn as members of the Young Avengers) and furthermore that she doesn’t work for the government. She leaves the building, as does a flying action figure of Iron Man… that was a little random… oh, that was the effect… while Spider-Man looks on.

Hawkeye goes after Wanda, but comes across Black Widow, which naturally distracts him.

Easy-access open or the world's worst visible pantyline? You be the judge!

Hawkeye accuses her of sleeping with Tony Stark while she was on assignment with him—well, to be fair, she did eat his head afterward—but she denies it. They chit-chat about Hawkeye getting to lead a “West Coast” branch of the Avengers in the future—and seriously, the West Coast Avengers is probably the least sexy thing you could bring up now. But apparently it works for Hawkeye, since he lets her archery sex pun.

With that accomplished, we cut to a floating cardboard cut-out of Iron Man confronting a guy covered in green bodypaint—wait, actual Iron Man and actual Hulk, got it. Suddenly, Iron Man is all about bringing the Hulk in and attacks him when he doesn’t cooperate. I’ve never seen a character’s outlook change so rapidly when he isn’t being written by the guys from Lost. It doesn’t work out well for Iron Man, as he gets punched across the desert. Which, let’s face it, is probably as good as you can hope for when running into the Hulk in a porn movie.

More of the desert (this must be Anakin Skywalker’s least favorite movie) as a pick-up pulls up to where Iron Man has landed. A fat guy in overalls gets out to see if ol’ Shellhead’s alright and please, porn gods, don’t let him have sex with Tony. I know it’s a long shot, but when you have Chyna in your porno, all bets are off.

Back in New York, or more likely, San Fernando Valley, Nick Fury is in a high-rise, staring out at the city. Maybe he got tired of those motherfucking snakes on his motherfucking Heli-Carrier (wait a minute, what’s that? That was the millionth repetition of that joke on the internet? I GET A FREE GRAND SLAM BREAKFAST AT DENNY’S? Oh snap, this blogger gig is working out awesome!). Sharon Carter comes over to inform him of the Hulk punching Iron Man across state lines. “Good!” Fury chuckles. He died, Nick. What’s wrong with you?

Convinced that now the Avengers are ready for a second go, Fury tells Sharon to get the team back together. “You’re really excited about this, aren’t you?” she asks. “We should do something about that.” Not that kind of excited, Sharon.

They revel in the physical act of lovemaking, and even though he’s her boss, it’s less creepy than when comic book Sharon gets it on with Captain America, her great-aunt Peggy’s lover. I’m just saying, when Captain America died, he had to come back to life just to stop hearing “Holy shit, my NIECE!?” in the afterlife.

Back in Avengers Headquarters And Shipping, Scarlet Witch is practicing shooting holograms with her hex-bolts. Ms. Marvel comes up to compliment her powers and Scarlet Witch compliments her powers back and you know where this is going. It’s like my mom always said, what would you expect from a witch and a woman who goes by “Ms”?

Scarlet Witch looks like a comic book come to life! if that comic book was drawn by Greg Horn.

Wanda corrects Ms. Marvel about having magic, explaining that her mutant power allows her to alter probability to the point of being able to make almost anything happen. And somewhere is a nerd who’s going to be really disappointed when these two stop talking about superpowers and start having sex.

“Read my mind then,” Ms. Marvel challenges her, revealing the most fundamental misunderstanding of Scarlet Witch’s powers since she was written by Brian Michael Bendis. Wanda admits she can’t. “Too bad,” Carol continues. “You would’ve really liked what I was thinking.”

“Why don’t you tell me?”

“I was thinking that you were dangerous and beautiful,” Carol says, not mentioning that she was also thinking of kissing Wanda, fondling her breasts, undressing her, performing cunnilingus on her, being fingered by her, having cunnilingus performed by her, and some light petting. Although admittedly, she might have come up with some of those later.

Okay, is anyone else disappointed that Ms. Marvel and Spider-Woman didn’t get it on? I’m not complaining about Scarlet Witch and Ms. Marvel doing the Black Swan thing by any means, but Carol and Jessica? They’re kinda married. And they had Hawkeye and Black Widow getting together, they’re kinda a couple in the comics too. Damnit, is it too much to ask for a little attention paid to harebrained fangirl subtext in a porn movie?

Elsewhere, Thor is in room full of drapes and lanterns, surely the safest combination since Facebook and privacy. “I try not to concern myself with the affairs of mortals,” he says, not counting the thousand comic books where he concerned himself with the affairs of mortals. “Except for those that stem from my brother Loki.”

Tony Stark: So THAT'S where he got the cape!

She-Hulk, also in the room, sympathizes with him, since her cousin Hulk is… the Hulk. “Green is a scary color,” she comforts. Yeah, gives people PTSD flashbacks to Green Lantern. “Why are Blake Lively, Ryan Reynolds, and Peter Sarsgaard supposed to have grown up together? One of them’s forty years old and the other is still in her early twenties!”

Thor suddenly blows up at Shulkie for her ‘insolence’, asking if she thinks he’s afraid of the Hulk. What’s with these people? Are they all speaking some foreign language that’s just been dubbed into English, and I’m missing all the subtleties of their performances? Apparently so, because it seems like Thor’s outburst was code for “Jam that tongue down my throat.”

Now, as a writer for a feminist website, I try to avoid body-policing. But though I’m sure Chyna is a lovely woman with a good grasp of spelling when it comes to things other than her own name, I doubt anyone watching the WWF has ever thought to themselves “This is nice, but what would be really great is if she were painted green and having hardcore sex.” So let’s make like we’re at a Lindsey Lohan trial and pretend nothing ever happened.

Back at Avengers Headquarters And Aluminum Siding, the team has re-assembled only for Spider-Man to drop in. Hey, just like in the Silver Age, when Spider-Man would just show up at the Fantastic Four’s place and ask for a job, then be a dick about it. Sam Raimi would be so proud. Assuming he watches porn and doesn’t just write episodes of Spartacus when the urge strikes.

"And then, Jaime Murray and Lucy Lawless have sex. Now that that's decided, what should we name their characters?"

Spider-Man calls Hawkeye a William Tell wannabe and shoots web on his arrow—even I’m surprised that’s not an euphemism—so Scarlet Witch uses her magic to shut everyone up again. Damnit, Wanda, you have to let things escalate a little before you calm them down. You’ll never be on the Bad Girls Club at this rate.

Ms. Marvel tells Wanda to calm down, so I guess it wasn’t a one-night thing. Maybe there’s something developing between these two. I mean, they thought they were just experimenting, but then it turned out they had something real.

[Ed's note: Five thousand-word essay on Wanda/Carol deleted.]

And that’s why Vivid Video is handling this relationship better than Shonda Rhimes ever could!

Suddenly Thor comes in, with She-Hulk getting the door for him. I guess chivalry really is dead if even the guy in chainmail is giving up on it.

She is a lady, Thor! I can't provide a citation or anything, but she's still a lady!

“If we are going to be comrades then we must be friends!” Thor bellows, ignoring that no one invited him to be comrades. He’s probably talking about being friends on Facebook, since no one has answered his requests. “And shall no one like my status update? I said Loki was a vile betrayer! Surely, there can be but jolly agreement on my words!” Fury agrees, shaking hands with him, thus making everyone a lot more comfortable with a heroic Norseman with long blond hair and blue eyes.

Later, Spider-Man and Ms. Marvel are alone, talking about him joining the team. They probably wanted to get away from Thor. “Varlets! Is there not one among you who wishes to hear the Odinson’s guitar playing! Long a winter have I spent practicing mine skills, yet it is naught but an annoyance to you!”

Carol tells Spidey that the Avengers was supposed to be the public face of the superhero world, and Spider-Man has image problems (probably comes from sounding like he smokes two packs a day and three on Sunday). “That why your team ended up with five white guys and one woman?” he doesn’t reply. But she does say he’s better as a solo hero, which I’d have told him too, and gives him a hummer, which I doubt I would.

Funnily enough, Peter/Carol is actually a pairing from the comics, and a pretty cute one at that. This porno is like my broken clock—right twice a day and full of semen.

Afterward, they’re cuddling, Carol’s breasts exposed and Spidey still in full costume—okay, I know Tobey Maguire took his mask off too much in the movies, but this is going way too far in the other direction. He rues not going after the Hulk, while Carol comforts him (wow, fourth base wasn’t enough? Dude wasn’t this mopey after Gwen Stacy died) by saying she’s not going either. They’re going to the Arctic Circle, which is the one place where wearing red and blue longjohns makes sense.

We pick up in the Arctic Circle, or on a soundstage, if you want to believe they didn’t actually go to the Arctic.

But why would you ever think that?

Spider-Man brushes away from snow to reveal Captain America. I don’t know if finding a dude is the best way to tease a sequel to a porn movie, but that wraps up the movie. So that was the Avengers XXX. Not too bad, aside from the Chyna thing, which if it weren’t for chapter skip would be a deal-breaker. Everyone was mostly in character, except for the oddly pissy Thor. And technically speaking, the porno Hawkeye is a lot closer to the comics than the movie’s quiet, melancholy take on the character. Although for a movie mostly called the Avengers, they sure didn’t avenge anything. At the end most of them were off to fight the Hulk, but still, even Fantastic Four had the good guys fight crime slightly before the end. And I don’t know what Sharon Carter was doing there. Maybe they’re setting her up to be Captain America’s love interest, but if not, they should’ve just included Maria Hill. Or are porn movies required by law to have 3/5 blonde casts?

But then again, Lois Lane didn’t enjoy getting raped and Flash Thompson didn’t get lucky, so I’m willing to call it–this is the best superhero porno of our time.

Although… we saw Ms. Marvel have sex twice and “got” to see Chyna have sex for half an hour, but Spider-Woman didn’t even get naked?

I realize it must be hard getting out of that outfit, but still.

Hey Girl!

1. Snooki from the show about the people drinking beer in New Jersey is having a baby boy. She wanted a girl, but has no immediate plans to kill this male child upon birth, at least not by the time we went to print. [E!]
2. Yesterday we talked about Priscilla Chan’s sensible wedding dress, today we are talking about her sensible engagement ring. Tomorrow we will be talking about her sensible fondness for eating clods of dirt while I look on laughing, from a giant champagne glass full of gin. [TMZ]
3. Fun fact, Kelly Clarkson is dating Reba’s stepson! This pleases me. Also Kelly has been bemoaning her fate, saying it is very difficult to be creative when you have a boyfriend, to which I say, my play Men To Be Feared will be featured at the New York Fringe Festival this August, watch Fempop for more details as they arise. [NYDN]

Because I always, always, always confuse it with The Sun Also Rises. For a woman who went to a school with a fantastic literature department I apparently fail at books.

However this new adaptation of the novel looks to build new memories for me. Leonardo DiCaprio as Gatsby? Isla Fisher as the original Moaning Myrtle? Carey Mulligan playing the part that she was born to play as soon as she got her first pixie cut? Heck yes!

And from Baz Luhrman! Is there any better director for handling gaudy melodramatic period pieces? Any? NO.

The Great Gatsby will be murdered while chilling at the pool this Christmas and it will be in 3D and apparently there will be car chases. That roommate is probably excited. That teacher? Probably calling for her vapors as she passes out again.

Titus Pullo would be a terrible judge.

1. Bad news for people who like wicked hairstyles, real-life crime television, and a soupcon of hate-speak - Dog the Bounty Hunter is going off the air! Remember that episode of South Park where they spoof that show? And Cartman sings the theme? That is a pretty good one. “I HATE HAWAII!” Yells a friend of mine for no real reason. [TMZ]
2. Zuck got married the other day. It had absolutely nothing to do with Facebook going public. The media coverage has been weird. Weirdest of all is everyone being all “Chan’s dress was less than 5 grand! OUTRAGEOUS.” I, for one, think she should have gotten wed swathed in blood diamonds. [NYP]
3. Whatever Howard Stern. He made a baby cry on America’s Got Talent The Other Day and then tried to upstage the baby by saying how he too was also upset for having made a baby cry. I care not. Make that baby ride a sybian. I mean. What? [E!]

The Drover has never canceled a tour…of my vagina.

1. Every once in a while there is a photo taken of Nicolas Cage, and his hair doesn’t look sentient, and the glimmer of crazy that characterizes him seems to vanish, and all you see is the ghost of a sad, tired man, maybe who looks a little like you dad, and that my friends, is a bit depressing. [TMZ]
2. Khloe Kardashian is getting some shit for leaving an event early, but when you read the article it seems…totally valid? Less valid? The fact that Elisabeth Moss was sitting on a bench alone at Brooklyn’s massive food festival (which I gave a wide berth, you’d best believe) and when someone said she looked like Peggy from Mad Men she freaked the fucked out. Which would have been fine is she were in her home instead of in a large, public festival, sitting by herself. We can only pray she had some Excederin with her. [NYDN]
3. Oh look, David Lee Roth is being a dick about Van Halen. Because we have traveled back in time. [RollingStone]

Ygritte continues to be the counterpoint to every woman we’ve seen on the show, and really every man as well. While Osha has given us an idea of what the wildlings are like she’s more devoted to her exceptional spirituality than she is to the wildling way of life. But Ygritte. Ygritte is a hardcore believer.

In the books her devotion to anarchy often bordered on irritating, but when she’s actually brought to life she is a vibrant character. Yes she is anarchic but it is no longer just a political idealogy. You really can sense how it pervades her way of life. How she moves, speaks, reacts and lives are all governed by her belief in a form of extreme individualism that would make tea baggers ruin their underpants with delight. Also she’s the rare female character to gleefully bust the balls of Westeros’s most grumpy hunk.

As Jon tries and fails to be awesome Ygritte is effortless. She sees Jon and knows him and as she tells him, he “knows nothing.”

But he’s not the only male this hour failing to understand things. Tywin has figured out that Arya isn’t who she says she is but he still has no idea that she is, perhaps, the most valuable person in Harrenhal besides himself. That’s fine though, because if he knew their tete a tetes wouldn’t be nearly as enjoyable. Right now she’s just a toy for him to play with. A curious little oddity to help pass the time. If he knew who she was that would change in an instant. And you get that in their scenes. They’re both walking along a razor’s edge. They’re playing roles.

But the character who most felt like she was actually stick in a play was one dragon-owning lady who had the misfortune of having her most emotionally potent line pulled for promos and ended up sounding like a broken record.

I like Daenerys. Really I do. I also like Emilia Clarke. I think she does a great job wedding the two wildly different parts of Daenerys in a cohesive whole and I think there are few actresses in her age group that could ever do it as well. I also think that daaaaang have they written Dany-girl into a corner of privileged angry future despotic ladyness. And just when I was ready to write Dany off they had to go and prove that she, like Jon, knows nothing of the world.

Her crash course in real world horrors is two fold. There’s the betrayal of her friend (he grew up on the wrong side of the tracks and will tell you forever) and the realization that the magic her dragons possess is only the tip of the iceberg. Sorcerers exist. Men and women exist with magic potent enough to stage coups and destroy lives and they want nothing more than to control Daenerys.

Fortunately she has Sir Jorah and a couple of surviving Dothraki on her side and even though Jorah’s devotion to her is mildly creepy (dude is old enough to be her dad and feel like a Nice Guy™ too often) he’s also one of the few allies she has that isn’t into her just for her dragons.

Which is kind of awesome. Usually women in fantasy settings are desired for their beauty and maybe for their crown (if they have one). Guys want to get with them so they have have access to that power and also the other p-word that I really wanted to use here but feel might be too crass. Yet the men Dany’s met since giving birth to three squalling piles of dragony flesh have all desired her solely because of the dragons she controls. Except Jorah. No one told him that he’s doing it wrong.

I'd care but Iain Glen in armor is unf.

You know who else sucks at doing things? Sansa. Her sheer panic overwhelms the wall of demureness she’s built up over the season and when she sees the menstrual fluid all over her mattress she freaks out. I love how Shae just assumes that Sansa is an idiot at first. I also love how their attempt to hide the stain makes it more obvious and that Shae attempts to fix things by pulling a knife on a woman. This Shae, versus the often vexing and ignorant one of the book, is a real treat. She’s smart and constantly conscious of just how dangerous the castle she lives in is. Unfortunately others are just as savvy and the Hound (who people apparently want to hook up with Sansa? Gross.) finds Sansa weeping over the stain and rats her out. This is AFTER she tried to be nice to him. Which is, you know, not such a great foundation for a romance. Also dude is like thirty years older than her. Also dude is kind of crazy? Whatever. Tangent. I’m over it.

Cersei too is savvy and when she learns that Sansa is now menstruating she calls her in and tries to make a snide comment about Catelyn. Then she tries to help Sansa in her wonderfully Cersei-like way. That gratuitous beating of a prostitute we all had to suffer through a few weeks ago is weighing heavy on Cersei’s mind. She knows about it and she knows that it means nothing good and that she’s going to be sending another poor girl/woman into the arms of that creature. But she’s trying to balance her feelings of horror over her son’s actions with her distaste at selling women into marriages and with the necessity of her duties. She may hate it all but she has to do it.

And she does hate it. That’s made abundantly clear in her later scene with Tyrion which may well end up being one of my favorite scenes of the entire show. The jealousy, resentment and fraternal bond all flow just beneath the surface as they try to prepare for the coming battle, and wrestle with their previous choices and admit, finally, what they each know.

This screenshot could be her Emmy reel.

While Tyrion and Cersei partake in a delicate dance of insinuations and concealed truths their brother Jaime embraces honesty even as he ignores chivalry. He’s the best sort of villain. Absolutely self-aware and possessing not one iota of true guile. He says and does what he likes and cares not for consequences. Which is unfortunate because that means he murders a cousin, kills a Karstark, breaks out of the Stark camp and is nearly killed for it. Only Catelyn’s intervention saves him and she really does put it all on the line.

There is a reason Catelyn is eternally my favorite. Scenes like this explain that reason.

But she also draws a sword when Jaime goes too far, so it’s not like she was doing it out of affection. She really is just THAT NOBLE.

So’s her son Robb, who is in love with a camp doctor lady but is also twelve and thus has no idea how to talk to ladies besides using a low voice and staring at her boobs.

Theon, Robb’s former brother from another mother? Not as loyal. In fact. Opposite of loyal. And being torn apart by it. The episode ends with him watching as two burnt corpses are strung up. Has he murdered his best friends’ brothers just to earn a modicum of respect from the worst father and ship crew on the planet?

Maybe.

Hey Girl!

1. In what is truly the most devastating news I have heard in weeks, that story that was circulating yesterday about how Michael Caine fell asleep in his dressing room and got locked in over night in completely false. Which is a pity, because that shit is hilarious to me. Thankfully what makes it even funnier is how Michael Caine tweeted “You guys I am not locked in an attic” only he spelled it with a ‘k’ and also I love him. [NYDN]
2. My grandfather always hated Wayne Newton. They were once on a plane together and he showered immediately upon leaving to apparently get the smell of his hair grease out of his clothes. Ha ha, my grandfather was a drama queen. But he was also on to something, because apparently Wayne Newton gave this former employee wet disgusting kisses and so she quit. That’s for you, grandaddy. [TMZ]
3. Kat Graham is talking about how Bonnie will handle Elena being a vampire and she is essentially like “not well?”, which made me chortle because if all goes as I would wish, Elena going vamp will be the final push Bonnie needs to go absolutely fucking nuts. [E!]

For months, speculation has run rampant on Prometheus and whether it is or is not a prequel to Alien. I’m here to tell you that this was a red herring. Prometheus is actually a stealth sequel to Battleship. In Battleship, humanity broadcasts a message of peace to an alien world. The aliens come to Earth, damage their ships in a collision with a satellite, and set about attempting to contact their home. They meet a bunch of humans who make a loud noise at them, so they make a loud noise back. Then the humans fire at them and narrowly miss, so the aliens fire back. This starts a campaign of the humans tirelessly seeking to slaughter the aliens to the next man and the aliens… leaving them alone so long as they aren’t threatened.

In Prometheus, humans get a message from aliens and travel to another planet, where presumably they get raped in the face by alien wig-wam, and even more presumably, the aliens say “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, BITCHES? HOW YOU LIKE ITTTTT?”

"We don't like it at all! Thanks for asking, though!"

Now, generally it’s considered good form for a review to have a certain structure, guiding the reader through all aspects of the film’s performance. But hey, if they’re not going to be coherent, why should I? Let’s go with bullet points.

•  The film starts off with Alex Hopper, brother of Stone Hopper (see, Hollywood, keep naming your kids after apples and sedan names, screenwriters will start thinking that shit is normal), wanting to impress a girl. She’s mentioning that she wants a burrito, so he offers to get her a burrito within five minutes. He goes next door to a mini-mart, but it’s closing, so he breaks in, grabs a burrito, and is tasered and arrested even as he gives it to her. Somehow, this strikes her as the behavior of a suitable life partner instead of the warning sign of one of those people who buy forty pounds of macaroni because “I found a really great deal!”
• See, Alex has the standard-issue Captain Kirk character arc of the hotheaded rebel who has to chill out. The film helpfully lets us know this ahead of time by having big bro Stone Hopper (if that’s not the name of a sex act, it’s about to be) make a quote about how adversity makes people better. This makes the movie’s point better than the next two hours of movie does, so you might as well leave the theater then. You’ll still be able to get a refund and you’re only missing about ten minutes of Liam Neesoning.
• Unfortunately, the actions required of Alex to save the day are such that any reasonable adult would do them (things like listening to good advice and… not committing suicide). Therefore, to have a character arc, Alex is given the impulse control of a fifth-grader who has just eaten a tenth of his body weight in sugar (c.f. the burrito).
• Just for instance, if you were minutes from asking your girlfriend’s father for his permission to wed, in fact you were literally rehearsing your pitch at that very moment, would you then get into a fistfight with someone you disliked? While on duty?
• If you had gotten into a fight with enemy ships, and your weapons were offline, and another ship was sinking and the crew needed rescue, would you decide to ram the enemy ship with your ship? You know, the one keeping you from drowning?
• Oh, and this guy? At the beginning of his character arc? He’s third-in-command of his ship. This guy is literally two heartbeats from the big chair, and his biggest personal growth in obtaining that rank was getting a haircut. I thought this was supposed to be a two-hour recruitment video for the Navy. If that’s someone I’d serve under, no thanks, I’ll take my chances in the Army. If someone orders you to ram into the enemy in a tank, your biggest problem is cleaning off the treads afterward.

And living with the sound of their screams. All those screams…

• I should mention that the aliens’ big weakness is sunlight. Congratulations, Signs, you no longer have the stupidest aliens. Seventy percent of the Earth’s surface is covered in water, while one hundred percent of the Earth’s surface is covered in light. The aliens were probably trying to contact their homeworld to say “Oh shit, cancel the invasion, guys, these motherfuckers have light everywhere! It’s falling from the sky, man!”
• Yes, they do mention that the alien’s planet is the exact same distance from the deadly, deadly light as our planet is.
• Of the two female characters in this movie, both were obviously cast for their looks. Alex’s girlfriend is played by a Sports Illustrated model and the obligatory butch military woman is played by Rihanna. And don’t tell me Rihanna was cast because she’s a good singer. She’s the most sexualized singer in the industry (if Katy Perry released I Kissed A Girl today, Rihanna would do a song called I Kissed Two Girls In Front Of A Guy And Then I Blew The Guy And Then The Guy Spanked Me Because I Like It Rough) and she doesn’t even have a song on the soundtrack.
• One of the characters is a real-life military veteran who lost both legs, playing a disabled character. He’s a better actor than Rihanna and Brooklyn Dekker. The guy who was cast because he didn’t have any legs is a better actor than the actual actresses cast to do actual acting.
• What happened to the days when you cast a rapper in your movie and they’d do a song about the plot? Will Smith, the 90s, all his movies had a bit where he kinda summed up what his summer blockbuster had taught us, but in rap.  In Deep Blue Sea, LL Cool J sang about how his hat was like a shark’s fin. What, the cast of Glee can sing about any goddamned thing they want, but a brother can’t sing about how he feels when aliens attack nowadays?
• Rihanna: I am the token strong female character and token black character. I’m just supposed to scowl and stay out of the conversation and say things like: “Damn,” “Boom,” and “Mahalo, motherfucker.”
• Note: Mahalo means thank you in Hawaiian. So I guess she’s… thanking the alien for blowing up?
• Yes, there is a scene where the heroes fight the aliens by playing Battleship FOR REAL. It’s pretty much like if there were a scene in Transformers where Shia LeBeouf had to control Optimus Prime by taking an action figure of Optimus Prime and moving it around, while making “pew pew” noises with his mouth to fire the guns.
• On the other hand, unlike Transformers, where the name of the movie is Transformers and it’s 90% about tanks and airplanes shooting the bad Transformers while the good Transformers fart and take robot-shits, here the plot is Battleship-centric.

"Okay, I'm sure the sixty-foot tall metal robot that likes us will be here soon. In the meantime, let's shoot the sixty-foot tall metal robot that wants to kill us with bullets the size equivalent of sperm. He's metal, we're pretty much throwing robot sperm at him."

• On the other, other hand – you know how in Transformers, there are all those weirdly fetishistic shots of military hardware, like tanks glistening in the sunset? Well that happens here, only with shots of a rehabilitation center for wounded veterans. It is honestly the most tone-deaf thing I have ever seen; all these “gee whiz” camera angles and badass music and the film is showing people who’ve lost limbs and are trying to recover enough to lead semi-normal lives without all of their original body parts.
• Speaking of tone-deaf, it’s not just aliens we’re dealing with here. It’s 9/11 aliens. There’s literally an entire sequence with no other point than reminding the audience of 9/11. The aliens crash into a building, the building collapses, we see people running from the dust cloud and being engulfed. Remember when there was a big debate over whether we should invoke 9/11 in movies about 9/11, like World Trade Center and United 93? I guess now the debate is how many people you can render falling out of a building. Next up, a jokey reference on Family Guy. “You think that’s bad Lois, what about 9/11?”
• It’s not even some tasteless bit of business to make us hate the aliens. The aliens crash into buildings completely on accident. You could have them crash into a hill or a forest and it would not change the plot one iota. The only reason the scene is written is for the cheap thrill of seeing 9/11 in IMAX. But, you know, it happens to Chinese people, so it’s okay.
• The movie also has a weird tendency to have, whenever the aliens attack a civilian target, a little kid looking on. Pathos, I guess.
• And yet, the aliens pretty much just attack military targets—and a highway. That’s conspicuous. “Alright, Rr’x'lpp, now destroy the enemy’s defenses and attack capability… and that highway. I don’t like its attitude!”
• You know how in some B-movies, you’ll praise one actor because “he knows what kind of movie he’s in”? Here, nobody knows what kind of movie they’re in. When you compare actors like Jesse Plemons and Taylor Kitsch, who learned to act from starring in a very naturalistic, documentary-style show like Friday Night Lights, and Rihanna, who learned to act from saying she ran into a door, it’s like you’re watching two different species. And one of the species is really bad at acting.
• Scientists are, of course, the ones who cause all the trouble, and are the most cowardly and unreliable characters in the cast. Yeah, scientists suck! Get back to work making it possible to show giant alien spaceships blowing up battleships on computers! Stop expanding the frontiers of mankind’s knowledge, you bastards!
• After two hours, the characters finally get onboard a battleship (up to that point, they were on destroyers, three of which sank. And no, no one ever says “They sunk our battleship!” or any variation). In a semi-touching moment, a bunch of retired WW2 veterans come aboard to help them work it. Question: How did they know they were needed? Did they get a tweet? No, of course they don’t have Twitter, they’re old as fuck!
• Fortunately, they’re both able to get the literal museum piece battleship working again and work with the multiethnic heroes without calling anyone a negress or anything. Which, let’s face it, was pretty likely.

If someone's over the age of fifty, they probably thought this was hilarious. Okay, the age of thirty. Thanks, Ted Danson!

• Now, this plot point is an obvious rip-off of both Battlestar Galactica and Star Blazers, but it does give the movie some actual personality. Since the movie is named Battleship, you’d think they’d get to that right away and we’d get a whole movie of wacky old people and groovy youngsters working together to fight alien scum. Nope! Last ten minutes!
• Not only does the alien’s sinister superweapon of calling for help because their fucking ride crashed get blown up twice (I guess the first time it happened they made a saving throw), but the disabled guy gets to box an alien. Thus overcoming his handicap by learning that it doesn’t matter if you don’t have legs when you can still punch things.
• In conclusion, you know The Avengers is still in theaters, right?

It isn’t, in other words, an action show. These characters aren’t put into extraordinary situations like the characters of a police procedural. Meredith will never have to flee the country because she’s wanted for murder and Callie will never tackle a global alien conspiracy (we hope).

So when these characters are put into extraordinary situations their reactions are far more natural than you might expect. They don’t turn taciturn in the sights of a gun man and when six of them crash in the forest they aren’t just themselves transplanted into the forest. They’re shocked. Horrified. Psychologically wrecked by their circumstances. And it ends up feeling like–like the cast of Friends is crashing into the forest. Characters you would NEVER fathom being put into horrible situations find themselves there and react not as we want them to but as real people would.

Cristina remarks on it halfway through the episode. Lexie, the cutsiest one on the show–the one that your high school sibling most identifies with–dies and Cristina and Meredith are wandering through the forest looking for Derek and all Cristina can think about is just getting away. Because as much as this show avoids the big crazy in the week to week it absolutely embraces it year to year. Seattle Grace Mercy Death is a very real thing and Cristina is done with it (as is Lexie apparently–too soon?).

This finale is…well it’s bizarre. Half a dozen finales (at least) have ended this season similarly. Characters are in mortal danger and we’re left to wonder about their fates until cast pick ups this summer and the premiere in September. The idea of the entire cast’s fate being up in the air isn’t radical. It is absolutely mundane.

But Grey’s did do something different. They ended their season with a season premiere. That’s the only way I can adequately put it. This was about a whole mess of people operating in their regular every day Grey’s world and it was fun but paled in comparison to what was happening elsewhere. People were dying and very likely losing limbs (seriously how long has Arizona had that compound fracture sans surgery? Leg is a goner people!) and April was fretting about where to go and Owen was being an ABSOLUTE DOUCHE NOZZLE to Teddy because he has major emotional issues.

Good for you guys. Any other day I would care. But Lexie is dead and Mark’s heart is doing weird medical things and Arizona is being a good woman in a storm and not letting on that she’s got some chest issues (there was bloooooood!).

Consequently most of the hospital stuff ends up pulling the episode in one direction while the plane stuff ends up bringing the energy so far down I’m surprised the actors lived through shooting. Honestly I can’t remember a finale I’ve seen end on such an absolute emotional downer. It was breathtaking in the ballsiness of it. Writers just. Don’t. Do. That. But Shonda Rhimes did.

It feels…it feels disingenuous to review this episode without the following episode. I feel like I’m being asked to review the first half of the Avengers without all the crazy New York stuff. It just doesn’t feel right. But right now… The first six minutes of this episode could possibly rival the sixth season finale (that will never happen because that is television drama at its best and I will fight any Mad Men/Breaking Bad fanboy who says otherwise). It was shocking and breathtaking and a real feat of editing. Hats off to Rhimes and company for putting it out there.

The dual surgeries were also fantastic. They kept people in even while some creepy fans (me) were all like WHAT. Callie (Sara Ramirez) tried to take episode MVP for her absolutely killer comedy performance. Though she also stole my heart when she went on and on about how life changes in an instant and I was terrified for her getting hit by a bus and leaving forever. This would only be acceptable if Ramirez were leaving to be in that film adaptation of Into The Woods. Otherwise she must stay until the end.

But the real MVP wasn’t her or her onscreen wife, who should have broken your heart when she realized some of them might have died in the crash.

The exact moment it dawns on her a friend might be dead. UGH.

No the real MVP was Mark frickin’ Sloan. I can honestly say I never expected Eric Dane to bring it. Ever. He’s always the eye candy. He can look sexy and stare with burning intensity but he isn’t an actor you go to for grief. Yet his scenes with Lexie and Arizona were damn fine dramatic television. Seeing the unflappable Mark Sloan panic over losing Lexie and having her forced to comfort him as she died. Gut punch. Then him telling Arizona to take “care of our girls.” Guys. It may have been the half a bottle of port I downed in thirty minutes or less but I was softly weeping. And also wondering why they moved Arizona and Mark so far away from their piddly ass fire.

Okay. Break down. Bottom? Fire and Cristina and Meredith. Front of plane? Derek and pilot nobody likes because he crashed the plane. WAY OVER IN THE TOP CORNER? Mark and Arizona.

Seriously. They were all “no your gaymo genes and your good looking man genes are too much. Go sit in the fuselage alone in the cold.”

Also WHAT WAS THAT FIRE. THAT WAS A TERRIBLE FIRE. LIGHTER FLUID ON A LEAF IS NOT A FIRE CRISTINA YANG AND I DON’T CARE HOW SAD YOU ARE YOU ARE LAZY FOR THAT LAME ASS FIRE.

You can't see the fire because it is so tiny and terrible but Cristina is trying to poke it with a stick. CRISTINA I CARE NOT FOR ALL THE SADNESS AND PAIN YOU MAKE A BETTER FIRE YOU ARE CRISTINA YANG AND YOU EAT DEATH FOR LUUUUUNCH.

Okay. That was the Bluebird Campfire girl circa 1988 busting out there for a second. The way these characters kept talking about building a fire and the way they were surrounded by dry frickin’ timber and burnable cushions I was expecting an out of control blaze that would soon threaten their lives.

Whatever. At least April got to eat some duck and Alex realized Arizona basically changed his life and Bailey realized she wanted to get married again and Owen fired Teddy. Yeah. That happened. She’s not coming back. Teddy Altman I don’t care how fantastic the actress playing you is (Kim Raver is great) you never should have been a main character. It was too much. And Henry was dumb and his death was telegraphed to us back in 1922.

Also Lexie died guys. For real. She is dead. Chyler Leigh actually made the decision to leave some time ago and discussed it with Shonda Rhimes and they decided on death. So it wasn’t like that time on M.A.S.H. where they killed a guy off because they were pissed at the actor. Lexie you were kind of the best some times. Yes my mother hated you and yes your love affair with Mark was ENDLESS but you were also the little sister every little sister has ever been. You were the butt of jokes and you found and gathered strength where others saw weakness. You were a cool chick and now I have to go buy another bottle of port to drink while watching Slexie videos and weeping.

I am legit sad about Lexie but this, for some reason, made me think of that time she came to work in costume and everyone laughed at her. Lexie was the best and everyone can suck it.

Notes

• Cristina was so wickedly angry this entire episode and I hope they carry that through to next season. I want her PISSED.
• But when she realized Lexie was dying? Not angry. Just wonderful.
• “You’re my person even when you’re not.” Meredith Grey ladies and gents. Just when you’re finding her insufferable she says something like that and you want to hug her forever.
• THEY SEWED DEREK UP WITH A GIANT SAFETY PIN. ALSO WHO CARRIES A GIANT SAFETY PIN?
• Outstanding make up through out. But particularly on Mark when he’s sitting next to the body.
• I don’t know which Angry Cristina moment I loved the most. Stabbing the pilot or eye rolling when Arizona told her to help the pilot or her rant about how horrible Seattle is.
• Guys. Guys. Guys. We never have to sit through another angry Owen/Teddy thing ever again. EVER AGAIN.
• Here’s the piece where Shonda Rhimes confirms the departure of Kim Ravens and Chyler Leigh. If you’re wondering why this finale was wonky? Woman clearly didn’t want to write it. It shows.
• Callie is my spirit animal…until she finds out about the crash.
• People like to hate on April and I know MANY wanted her face to die, but Sarah Drew can have chemistry with a toilet and I’m really looking forward to her exploring her sexuality. Also eternal goodwill for that time she said she was sad because of Jesus.
• Four months from now I will be very bitter about this episode and say it was crappier than the crapfest end to season 7. Just heads up. I’m fickle bitches.
• Cristina found her shoe. Take it away Arizona!

I, for one, was pumped like a bicycle tire. I thought the show had potential to get even better, take the plunge from pulpy meloopera to some real Patrick Stewart sci-fi. Almost by accident, this silly X-Files clone had found an actually touching metaphor. A war between two peoples who were literally the same, just set against each other by fear, miscommunication, and mistrust. And this tiny cult TV show, one of the better sci-fi shows on TV, had an entire season to explore the themes of détente. You had two sets of well-established characters and the novelty of seeing them all play off each other for the first time. Finally, a genre TV show was doing something other than a Big Bad arc. There could be a story about averting a big sci-fi natural disaster. The conflict could come from the mistrust on both sides as bitter enemies joined forces. And fine, some lovey-dovey stuff with Peter.

But, no. Pretty much the entire season was “The Pacey Show”. Somewhere along the lines, the Fringe people got the memo that fans didn’t really care about this war between the universes stuff or mad science. You know, the premise of the show. No, they cared about whether Peter and Olivia were reproducing. Now, I like shipping as much as the next fan. I’m not going to say it’s “girly” or a waste of time. But: unless you’re writing Gossip Girl, shipping can’t replace the plot, it has to be an add-on to the plot. Like the topping on a sundae. Sure, it’s nice, but you wouldn’t want an entire bowl full of chocolate syrup. But by trashing literally every aspect of the show just to keep Peter and Olivia apart that much longer–and they really milked it, even having Peter reject Olivia for a couple episodes when she wanted him just for one more go-around of “We can’t!” “I want to!” “But we mustn’t!” “I need to!”–it was just a big bowl of chocolate syrup.

What gets me is that Fringe actually had plenty of other characters with love lives wide open for shipping. You had the Other Side Lincoln and Altlivia, there was Blueverse Lincoln and Astrid, and of course the forbidden love between Charlie and looking like a masculine Shia LeBeouf.

Think of the so-called “Amberverse” like the Wishverse from Buffy. You know, that episode where we got to see what Sunnydale would be like if Buffy had never come to town? Like that. But for months. We got to see Peter tell people he was Walter’s dead son. We got to see people realize “hey, he really is Walter’s dead son!” We got to see Peter wonder if he was with the right Olivia. We got to see Peter get told he had the right Olivia. Then we got to see him ask “No, really?” Then the show told him “Yes, totally.” Then they made out some. Yay! That obnoxiously forced, inorganic, artificial obstacle to their togetherness was resolved!

It was like instead of the show moving forward, it was just doing a Cliff’s Notes of its prior seasons. Peter and Olivia fall in love, again! Things don’t work out, again! They get back together, again! It was like the show said to itself “No, let’s not end on a high note, we’ll restart the show for all the sci-fi fans who start watching shows three years in.” Hell, if you wanna create an entirely new story with the same actors as before, do what Nolan did and make a Batman movie, not “Inception 2: Back In Fischer”.

The only thing new this season was the depressingly obvious Villain Who Both Universes Had To Work Together Against. We not only got a Big Bad, but a Big Bad rerun. Jones, a villain who Olivia and friends killed in the first fucking season, turned out to be alive and… not well, actually… in fact, for some reason he turned to dust when he died? I mean, again. And him and some friends were working with William Bell, Walter’s old partner, to destroy both universes and create a new universe filled with monsters. Yes. Really. Multiple people signed off on that. Even Charlotte from Lost!

Continuing the depressing obviousness, next season is apparently going to be all about the Observers, who are now not so much strange creatures beyond human comprehension as evil overlords that literally pretend to be the Nazis from Casablanca, goose-stepping around and–shit, I got the wrong nigh-omnipotent paranormal entities who dress as fifties FBI agents, didn't I?

Now, to be clear, the idea of Bell coming back as a villain was a good one. The series paid some lip service to how Olivia was screwed up by Walter and Bell’s experiments on her as a child. Even the “good,” modern-day Bell regularly fucked with Olivia, finally giving her soul magnet laced tea so after she drank it, he could come back from the dead, possess her body, and Frankenstein himself back to life. No, really. Obviously, there are some consent issues there, so making Bell a villain all along works better than saying “oh, he’s a nice guy, he just occasionally mind-rapes his child experiments.”

Walter ended up repenting his actions, earning her forgiveness, and he even cut out the evil parts of his brain and put them in storage so he would stay on the Light Side… no, really. But the impression the audience might get from this is that Walter was never all that bad and, since Olivia is stoic enough to suffer in silence, what he did to her wasn’t all that bad. So revisiting it, but this time with the idea that Bell never repented and so followed that train of hubris and ruthlessness to the logical conclusion of creating a universe full of monsters… no, really… makes sense. If we give the monster universe thing some leeway. You can imagine my delight when Olivia had one little scene expressing her feelings on this, and it was all about Peter comforting her. Well, you could if you could register ungodly amounts of sarcasm over the internet.

Wait. I don’t come here to praise season four of Fringe. I came to bury it. It would have been a good idea if this were the “real” William Bell and not an alternate universe version who was crazied up by Peter not existing. Another problem was that, since Nimoy was retired, most of the villainous heavy lifting was left to Jones.

Great planning, Abrams, make your fantastically important plot arc character the guy who's going to retire two years into your show. Look at this guy, he's held together by Metamucil and goodwill from Star Trek 4: The One With The Whales.

Let’s face it, aside from being played by a lost Gruber brother, Jones just isn’t that good a character. He was part of the rocky start that the show rightfully got bored of. He talked kinda slow and in a British accent, he had an obsession with Leonard Nimoy (like anyone who watched that brave little hobbit video), he killed Irene Adler… wait, that was Professor Moriarty. He just had no character or motivation. Sure, I get his master plan being a mystery, if only because we can’t have Anne Torv say “We’ve got to stop this universe of monsters from being created!” every week (WHY NOT?)–but why is he an evil genius instead of a dentist?

What’s worse was what all this did to Olivia. You’ll remember her, she’s the lead character. As the protagonist, she’s the one we emphasize with and root for. For that to work, we need to be with her every step of the way. We need to follow her growth. Think of Superman Returns (I know it’s hard for some of you, but hey, at least I’m not asking you to think about Smallville). We follow Clark Kent, from his arrival in Kansas to his return to Metropolis to his reunion with Lois Lane. Stuff like Jason White and Lois’s son are a surprise to him, so we feel his shock and alienation. Imagine that movie told from Lois’s perspective. She has this whole life apart from Superman, going pretty well, then he waltzes back onto her scene and sends signals about picking up where they left off. He’d come off like a superdick (hey, I just got that website!). But by seeing the movie through his point of view, we can sympathize with him and understand his inner conflict.

In Fringe, the Olivia we’ve followed for three years ceases to exist. We get a few episodes to find out what Olivia without Peter would be like (except there was an episode that basically said, in a story all about what Olivia without Peter would be like, she still had traces of Peter… just… clinging on there… so stupid), then Peter comes back. Peter remembers everything. This is the Peter we know and love. Our “new” cast of characters are confused and mistrustful of him, and he doesn’t give a shit about them because he doesn’t think they’re “his” friends. He’s just sorta bemused by the whole thing. So effectively, he’s our hero and we’re rooting for him to get home. Which in this case means realizing that he is home. Which in this case means getting Olivia to remember him and forget her new life. Which isn’t creepy at all. I mean, ladies, you wouldn’t mind if someone you’d never met gave you memories of falling in love with him, right? You too would decide to forget the life you’d actually led in favor of the life where you were getting some. Because which is it? Are we rooting for Olivia to get her memories “back” or are we rooting for Peter to get his girl back? I think the intent is pretty obvious, given the show’s Lostian “love is so awesome it can rewrite the rules of physics” emphasis. I guess she didn’t really need those memories of her godchildren after all.

The fact that the show just kinda conveniently had her ‘remember’ on her own because of cortexiphan (which, this season, was capable of more things than Hostess Fruit Pies in a comic book ad) somehow made things worse. Eh, no conflict here. Olivia’s just going along with the will of the universe and everyone’s cool with it. And now that we’re done with that fake memory bullshit, they can be together long enough to have a baby named after Peter’s other baby that was wiped out of existence after the show spent fifty goddamn episodes on it or something. It was like J.J. Abrams saw the ratings for The Killing‘s finale and said “So that’s what people want! Naked contempt!”

Besides the show replacing Olivia with Peter as the big damn hero (his super-special knowledge of Jones and the shapeshifters pretty much made him the Sherlock to everyone else’s Watson, an eccentric genius who everyone else had to support), the entire “alternate timeline” idea really muted the emotions of the series. We were never watching “our” characters so much as… reading a fanfic about them? All that’s missing was that none of it was set in high school and none of the female characters had penises.

And Olivia didn't do… this. Note: To represent fanfic, I had my choice of this or a drawing of the Fringe cast as kittens. If you knew what the kittens were doing, you'd make the same choice.)

But that’s quite enough about shipping and this tired Moonlighting idea that resolving the sexual tension will make a show unwatchable (since it’s not like arbitrarily keeping couples apart, or arbitrarily making a slot machine out of pairings makes a story bad. Aren’t we all just SUPER-invested in whether Archie chooses Veronica or Jughead?). They also rubbed Olivia’s demotion in with this weird new sexism. You had perpetual cameo Astrid as Olivia’s partner, for all of five minutes.

Astrid: Since the Bishops have been out of commission, we’ve been partners for the last three years!

Olivia: Yes, what amazing adventures we’ve been on! Just imagine the depths of our friendship after all the sisterly bonding, the last-minute reserves, the UST.

Astrid: Won’t the audience be interested in seeing that!

Olivia: Actually, we really like the actor who plays Lincoln but we’re not doing episodes in his dimension anymore, so we’re making his nerdy alter-ego a part of the team and having him fall in love with me for no return.

Astrid: I’ll just go back in the lab then.

Olivia: Try to think up more adorable spoonerisms for Walter to call you.

Astrid: And in the end, the new Lincoln is just going to fall in love with the Other Side Olivia anyway and replace the Other Side Lincoln and leave the show that way, making this the silliest love triangle in sci-fi that doesn’t involve Vampire Bill.

You had Olivia deciding to forget her entire life, including her new mother, for a boy. You had the cool new post-apocalyptic future that she didn’t get to show up again. You had her Ultimate Chosen One Destiny thing be that her daughter had anti-Observer powers. The Womb of Destiny! And in the final battle, her ultimate confrontation with Bell, the man who ruined her life, hurt her friends, endangered her world, and seriously, a universe of monsters… how’d it go down? Well, Walter shot her to stop her body from powering the Universe McEnder, then he and Peter brought her back to life. (And the scene of Walter explaining that her Get-Out-Of-Being-Shot-In-The-Head card was used up unless it wasn’t, that was just insulting.) She had less to do than the guy who shoots arrows in a superhero team-up movie.

"But guys, what if I shot arrows at General Zod *and* complained about the Reagan Administration?"

At the very least—literally, this is Writing 101 stuff—she could’ve realized how Bell was using her and sacrificed herself to stop him. Hitchcock has a famous quote, you see. If you have a bomb blow up in the middle of a talkie scene, you’ve surprised the audience. But if you show a bomb ticking at the beginning of a talkie scene, you’ll have the audience in suspense all through the talking. Same principle. The writers should’ve traded the shock of Walter shooting Olivia for the emotional involvement of her sacrificing herself, thus giving everyone of the Trio something to do. Olivia gets to shoot herself and the Bishops get to save her. That’s how sexist the finale was. It would have been improved if Olivia got to shoot herself.