FesteringAss.com: The Tucker Max Blog

ACL surgery videos and pics

So before I write anything, just know I am on heavy Norco (hydrocodone) and Robaxin (muscle relaxer) because I am doing the CPM machine (the thing that moves your leg for you), so I'm all fucked up and my mind is foggy, so if this post sucks, blame drugs. Just look at the expressions on my face on the pics below; welcome to opiate based pain killers.

Friday I had major reconstructive surgery on my ACL. I thought I would post all the pics and videos because, well, I don't really know why, but it seems like a good idea.

This is my leg, the day before surgery. I shaved it myself, I figured I might as well since they are going to do it anyway. The red thing on the right side is the needle mark where the surgeon drained the knee a week prior:

This is me right out of surgery:

This is me at my place a few hours later, on lots of painkillers, with my dog Murph next to me (that tube is the cooling machine thing thats hooked up to my dressings):

This is the machine that moves my leg and prevents scar tissues build up. I have to spend like four hours a day on this thing:

Murph is very suspicious of it:

This is my knee being undressed the first time, like three days after surgery. It was kinda nasty:

This is my nurse applying betadine and re-dressing it:

The rest of the surgery pics are here.

There is one funny story about my ACL repair: I ended up sleeping with my nurse when I got home from my surgery.

But it's not quite as cool as it sounds, for two reasons:

1. Because of the muscle relaxers, I only barely managed to get hard, and I couldn't even come.

2. I was already dating the nurse. Even I can't pick up a women under anesthesia.

The Videos:
I can barely manage to watch these because I am a huge pussy about this kind of stuff, but my surgeon, Marc Friedman (who I highly recommend, BTW), was cool enough to film the surgery and give me a running commentary during the whole thing. If you are into that sort of thing, you should watch it, it's really cool. Here is part 1:

The other 16 parts are on the Rudius Media YouTube account.

Comment and discuss

Michigan fans, welcome to my hell

Michigan fans. I have some bad news for you. I just realized that we are now brothers. Guys, I am a Kentucky fan. No one knows what you are about to go through better than me, so let me tell you what the rest of your lives as sports fans are going to be like:

It was a day I will never forget. No matter what else I do in my life--marry, have children, conquer the entertainment business--it will be one of the defining moments of my life and forever seared into my memory:

March 28th, 1992.

I was 16 years old, a sophomore at Lafayette High School, in Lexington, Kentucky. Like everyone else in Kentucky, I bled UK blue. I lived and died with Kentucky basketball, and UK had a team for the ages. Their nickname was "The Unforgettables." These were the guys who had stayed with UK during the dark years of the post-Eddie Sutton probation; Richie Farmer, John Pelphrey, Deron Feldhaus and Sean Woods were all Kentucky boys (Sean was from Indy, but we adopted him). They had stayed after we got hit with the worst penalties in NCAA basketball history and vowed to defend the school and rebuild the program.

As freshman under new coach Rick Pitino, they beat the Shaquille O'Neal, Chris Jackson and Stanley Roberts LSU team that was considered unstoppable, that said they were going to come into Rupp and kick UK when it was down. They went 14-14 that season under impossible circumstances. Every game they left their hearts on the floor, they gave us everything they had every time they wore the uniform, and we loved them for it. This team defined the state and university; they were us, and we were them.

Now, as seniors and led by all-everything future NBA star Jamal Mashburn, they'd had an amazing regular season, winning the SEC and stormed through the NCAA tourney, coming up against defending champion Duke in the East Regional Final. This team was going to take UK back to our righteous place as national champions.

You all know what happened next.

The greatest college basketball game ever was played, and history was made on our backs by that assface fuckstick Christian "Power Bottom" Laettner. I cried when we lost. I still cry if I think about it too much. And every single fucking basketball season, I have to hear about that game and see that shot, a shot that has come to define the NCAA tourney. That wound has never closed. Since that game, UK has won two national titles, and got some amazing revenge in 1998 against Duke...but it still didn't totally heal that scar. No matter what happens, some things cannot be fixed.

Michigan fans, you just lost what is going to be seen as the defining upset in college football history, and one of the biggest upsets in sports history. It is up there with the 2004 Red Sox coming back from 0-3 to beat the Yanks and win the world series, Villanova beating Georgetown to win the NCAA title, and the US beating Russia to win the hockey gold.

Even though Michigan has one of the premier programs in college football, no matter what happens from this point forward, in addition to all the other things your football team has done over the past 100 years...you will be remembered for the App State game. Never before has a D-1AA team beaten a ranked D1 team. And not just any ranked D1 team. They beat #5 Michigan, in The Big House. They made history, and they made it on your backs.

I am sure your program will rebound and be fine. But get used to hearing about that game and seeing that blocked field goal, because it is going to be part of your life for the rest of your life.

Michigan fans...welcome to my hell.

[I know I said I was going to launch my blog in a few months, but I couldn't help but post this]

I sign a deal with Comedy Central

Fucking finally. I have been waiting to announce this for about two months, but I wanted to wait until it was in an "official" publication. This is the answer to why I haven't been posting anything new since April (because I have been working on this--and related things--since then):

Tucker signs deal with Comedy Central

A few things to note:

-Most importantly--and I cannot emphasize this enough to those not in the entertainment business--this does NOT mean I am automatically going to have a TV show. Comedy Central bought a pilot from me. Now I have to write it. If (and it is NOT certain) they like it, then they will decide to shoot it. Once it is shot, they will watch it and decide if they want to order a season. So as of right now, there are still two MAJOR steps left before this becomes a show that is on the air (if it even happens at all). Yeah, I am really excited to have this deal, but the show is not on the air until it is on the air.

-Second: I am really, really excited to work with Comedy Central. I have written extensively in the past about my problems with the entertainment business (print and TV), but after dealing with the executives at Comedy Central, I now understand why they've made such great shows: They are not only smart, but they are willing to take risks, and they genuinely care about making a great product. If you aren't in the business, you can't conceive of how rare that combination of traits is in a network, but take my word for it: IT IS.

-Over the next 2-6 months, pretty much all my time will be consumed with working on this show, and on my next book, Assholes Finish First. Because of that, I am going to tell you right now to spare you the emails, there will probably be no more stories for a while. If you don't want to keep checking back for new stuff, the best thing for you to do is either sign up for my RSS feed, or my email list, and I'll send out something when I release something new, or--god willing--the show gets picked up:

-I will answer all questions about the deal here, on this thread on my message board. There isn't much to say about it beyond what Variety and I have said, but I am sure I'll get about 1000 emails anyway.

And to think, it only took five years (my response to Harper Collins)

This fucking cracks me up. It's so funny how the tables are turning. Read the first email, then my response (btw--the bolding is hers, not mine. I swear to Christ she bolded those parts of her own fucking email):

From: Yudin, Joelle
To: tuckermax@gmail.com
Date: Aug 31, 2006 10:12 AM
Subject: AVERAGE AMERICAN MALE by Chad Kultgen

Dear Tucker Max:

Do you agree with the following statement? "Guys still want to bang every girl they see in the most pornographic manner possible, and girls still think that "not all guys are like that."

If you think there is any truth to that, I would love to share with you a blindingly funny and candid debut novel that I think you will wholeheartedly enjoy and identify with: an offensive, in-your-face, brutally honest and completely hilarious look at male inner life and sexual fantasy. It's called AVERAGE AMERICAN MALE by Chad Kultgen. I am sure you get tons of e-mails with varied, fantastic requests, but as a fan of your work, there was no way I could stop myself from e-mailing you about this out-of-control debut--a fresh look at the twenty-first century battle of the sexes.

Please don't think that because Chad has a woman for an editor that this was toned down in any way, because it wasn't. This is a man's mind on the page--a direct response to chick lit, to every woman's magazine, Oprah, Dr. Phil, and network sitcoms, who portray the image of the Average American Man as an oafish retard, happy to swallow down gallons of his significant other's crap in the hopes of being allowed to have sex with her once a week, or at least watch some football.

I know you get many requests and have many commitments, but as fans of your work, Chad and I would love the opportunity to send you the manuscript. Any time or attention you could give would be supremely appreciated and give a huge boost to a new writer. If you are interested, please let me know how I can get a bound manuscript to you.

Thank you and I wish you continued success.

Best regards,

Joelle

From: Tucker Max
To: "Yudin, Joelle"
Date: Aug 31, 2006 10:30 AM
Subject: Re: AVERAGE AMERICAN MALE by Chad Kultgen

"but as a fan of your work"

Are you really? Or are you just a fan of the huge following I have built in the 16-30 year old male bracket, the one that no mainstream publisher has been able to tap?

I love this. I really do. Five years ago you fucking retards rejected my manuscript, told me my voice had no market, and basically that I sucked. I knew that not one of you had any idea what you were talking about, so I went out and created an empire on my own. What resulted was a massively successful website, a best selling book, and a lock on the hardest demographic to reach.

Now you are coming to me--not with an apology about how your house treated me, not soliciting a proposal for my next book, not even with or with a "boy, we were wrong about you, your stuff is great" intro email--no, you are coming to me asking for my help to promote and develop something that probably sucks and that you won't be able to sell on your own.

See, but here's the thing: Who the fuck are you, and what have you ever done for me? I don't know you. I don't know Chad. I don't care about either of you. You have never done anything for me in the past, why the should I help you now?

But that isn't the end of the incident. I wrote about this on my messageboard, we all had a good laugh at the stupidity of the mainstream publishing industry, and that was it. A week later, I got this email:

"Tucker -

Been a big fan of yours for years and just recently got hired at Harper Collins as a marketing assistant. You don't have to believe a word I tell you but I speak the truth and short of e-mailing you from my Harper Collins email I hope that you'd take what I have to tell you at face value.

One of the accounts I assist on is Average American Male... (I've read it...and lets just say the author wishes he were you...but more importantly wishes he could have lived what he wrote like you... yes it's a fiction novel)

Joelle quit late last week so i feel there's no harm and no foul in telling you about what happened after she read your messageboard post. It was hilarious... they printed out posts and as everyone was reading it in our boardroom.. she started sniffling and then all out crying. It was great. I wanted to send you a picture text of her tears streaming down her face.

Then all the other publishing lesbian feminists were like "Tucker's so stupid.. what did he expect? A personalized email?"

I thought, well you certainly don't know Tucker at all. If only the dumbasses in marketing realized that Harper Collins told you to fuck yourself years ago - and the insult it is to copy and paste a BS PR request on a novel that is directly going after your target demo. (Get this... he wants to go on a campus fraternity tour... sound familar?)

They continued ranting with "Well if he doesn't want exposure that will help further his own career then forget him"

Obviously they're too naive to realize how you've marketing and project yourself to your audience. I suppose they honestly thought you'd take exposure at the cost of appearing as a sell-out hypocrite to your adoring fans.

But that bitch quit, her reasons were she was tired of publishing.. but deep down I believe you contributed fully to her leaving. Thanks so much.

Hope this news brightens your day."

I sent this to my editor, Jeremie Ruby-Strauss. His response: "Holy shit, she quit because of an email from you? That's like publishing legend or something."

It never fails to amaze me the arrogance and stupidity of large corporate media.

Impressive speech from a high school kid

I get hundreds of emails a day from hundreds of people. Most are stupid and I ignore them, some get a cursory response, but every now and then I get an email from someone who truly impresses me. This is one of those:

William Herbert is a senior at Dover-Sherborn High School in Massachusetts. He is president of his senior class and emailed me a few months ago, asking if I would be a featured speaker at his graduation. I told him that I would, but that there was no way his administration would allow me to speak. Turns out I was right.

We emailed a few more times, I gave him some advice, and he wrote and delivered the commencement speech posted below on June 9th, 2005. I have only one word for it: Awesome:

Dover-Sherborn High School's Class of 2005 is a truly extraordinary group of individuals. Our accomplishments as students, leaders, athletes, and community members have been well recognized. As a class, we are respected by the faculty, our parents, our siblings, and by both those who came before us at Dover-Sherborn, and those that will pass through after us. Our catalog of achievements is long and illustrious.

During our senior year, the Dover-Sherborn athletic program witnessed a renaissance. From our football team beating Medfield on Thanksgiving to our boys' basketball team winning the Tri Valley League title, to our lacrosse team's success in the state tournament (*knock on wood*), we took Raider sports to a level unfathomable only a few short years ago, and our athletic prowess gave way to a powerful and palpable rise in school spirit. For many years, teachers, administrators, and coaches had long decried Dover-Sherborn's lack of student pride, but starting this fall, driven by the intensity of the senior class, we recorded stellar and unusually boisterous fan attendance at our athletic events. During spirit week, the class of 2005 claimed and, as tradition dictates, desecrated the Spirit Cup for the third consecutive year. Under our leadership, I am happy to report that Dover-Sherborn spirit is at an all time high.

In the classroom, we are a group of thinkers. AP courses were consistently filled to capacity, and we garnered genuine admiration from our instructors through our academic performance and our insightful opinions and in-class contributions. Our hard work and intelligence paid off in the college admissions process, as the class of 2005 put more students in top colleges than many area private schools. When a public institution can make that claim, the teachers and counselors have clearly done an exceptional job, but the students have to have been talented to begin with. As a representative of that group of students, I can tell you firsthand that we are that good.

During our tenure at Dover-Sherborn, we have also made great strides in the areas of community service, school leadership, and class unity. Members of this class have put in thousands of volunteer hours, we have been praised as outstanding leaders and role models for younger students by the administration, and we have grown closer to each other as a group.

Perhaps most importantly, as we have bonded with each other and compiled this impressive list of accomplishments, we have had fun. And, equally as importantly, we have kept our arrest records remarkably short while doing so (*knock on wood*). Yet, despite our laundry list of achievements, we stand before you with the realization that all we have done up until this point in our lives is fairly insignificant in the long run, just the first few strides in the long marathon of life.

We are here today, just like every other graduating class across America, as a group of fresh faced young men and women that are just as confused, apprehensive, and maybe even a little frightened of our looming entrance into "the real world" as you would expect us to be.

With this in mind, I felt that we needed some parting advice, to ease our worries and arm us with some valuable knowledge as we depart high school. I began thinking about this in the middle of the winter, racking my brain as I tried to decide who would be an appropriate source of inspiration to a group of such exceptional individuals. Then, as I tossed restlessly in bed one night, I realized who our muse should be. Despite the differences that the members of our class have, many of us do have one thing in common; our absolute, undying admiration for one man: Tucker Max.

If many of you in the audience haven't yet been touched by Tucker's greatness, I don't blame you. He is what some would call a cult icon, a quasi-celebrity who has gained a large and ever-growing fan base by posting his hilarious stories on the Internet. Despite the fact that Tucker is on the verge of hitting it big and receiving mainstream fame and recognition, he had his share of questions surrounding him as a graduation speaker. As brilliant as Tucker is, being a graduate of both the University of Chicago and Duke Law School, his gifts and popularity were overshadowed by his extensive and well-documented history of becoming obscenely intoxicated and ruining charity events. Thus, Tucker Max was not able to be here with us today. Even though we do not have him here in the flesh, I hope I can impart Tucker's fiery spirit to all of you.

During my communication with him, Tucker offered many insights, and even has a section on his website dedicated to advice for high school students. As a seasoned veteran of "the real world" now in his late twenties, Tucker has many astute observations to lend us.

He said, "The main question that I get from virtually all teenagers who write me is 'How do I become you?' The answer: you cannot become me. You can only be the best version of yourself possible. Your goal through the next decade should be to come back to your ten year reunion and say to your friends, 'I am happy with who I am. I have done things that make me proud of myself.' All the stories about drinking and hooking up are fun, but the idea that you need to find out who you are and be that person is the most important Tucker Max adage that you can take with you.

"When you are a teenager, you have no idea what you're all about, so you go from one thing to another trying to figure out how to define yourself. That's natural, and part of finding yourself is putting on other 'identities' to see how they fit. This is fine, but always come back to who you are.

"If you are unsure about how to do this, pay attention to those around you who are successful, and do what they do. As novel and advanced as my game may seem to you, I probably only invented about one percent of it, if that. Almost everything I know I learned by watching and imitating people older and more successful than me. In high school, you learn how to act like a senior by watching the seniors when you are an underclassman. In life, you learn how to be successful by watching the people who achieve success. Figure out what they do that the others aren't doing, isolate their successful behavior, and imitate it. You won't become them, but by trying to implement their actions you will naturally develop your own style.

"A corollary to this is to READ. A LOT. Humans have been recording history for about 10,000 years. You won't be the first person to go through anything that you go through. My grandfather told me: 'an idiot repeats his mistakes. A smart man learns from his mistakes. But a genius learns from the mistakes of others.' The more you read, the more you learn. The more you learn, the more you can figure out how life works and what to do and what not do without having to screw up first. "Even so, go live life. Go out and experience everything you can. Do everything that you have an opportunity to do. Wisdom is most often earned and not learned, and the best way to get earned wisdom is to experience as much as possible. The more you see of the world, the smaller and more understandable it becomes."

As outstanding as this advice is, Tucker was justifiably excited to present it to our class, especially because it would have been his first opportunity to speak in this kind of forum. He has been offered the chance to deliver speeches at many high schools and colleges over the last few years, but his visits have always been cancelled due to last minute objections from either administrations or overly politically correct student groups, sometimes in the form of mass protests. When I told Tucker that we were not able to have him, he had this one final gem to lend me: "I hope that you learned something from this. Your whole life, other people are going to try to crush your dreams, and the only thing you can do is fight them. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but the day you give up the fight is the day your soul dies." Truer words were never spoken.

As we stand here on the verge of departing from everything familiar to us, and leaving the towns we have grown to know and love for institutions of higher learning scattered across both America and those other countries, or service in the armed forces that will see members of this class defending our great nation around the globe, or even entrance directly into the workplace, we prepare to go with the confidence that we all have what it takes to succeed. We are truly privileged individuals, and have been given opportunities from the moment we were born that many in this world will never see.

As members of a such a rare community and graduates of such an academically outstanding school system, we have the sacrifices of our parents, and all that they have worked for, as well as the diligence and dedication of our teachers and administrators to thank for putting us in the position that we are in today. We have learned much and grown immensely through our first eighteen years, and leave today prepared for wherever we are headed to next with knowledge, passion, work ethic, and a hunger for being the best that we can possibly be. I know each and every member of this class, and I think that everyone here will agree with me that we are all ready to make our mark on the world outside of Dover-Sherborn. As we head off today, with all of the success that we have already had, I can assure you that there is only more of it to come for the class of 2005.

That being said, I have been instructed to leave you with one final thought. In the eloquent, immortal lexis of Jen Siegel, "what's up, homeboy?""

The last sentence is an inside joke to his class that he explained to me and is very funny, but could potentially get him in trouble, so I won't out him on it in a very public forum.

Anyways, my congratulations go to William on a great valedictorian speech. Ladies -- he is off to Tufts in the fall. You'd do well to get on that bandwagon early, this kid is going to be a star someday.