Fetish for Kittens

The great book giveaway (but not really)

2012-12-31T17:04:00.000+08:00

Music: "Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessional

I was doing my annual bookshelf cleanup this morning when I realized that the books I've sorted out for "donation" were still there, sitting prettily in the second lowest shelf. And because I am in no mood to look for the list I typed up months ago (which I suspect I forgot to post), I took a page from Ron Lim's blog and took pictures of the concerned books instead.

The books aren't really for sale, but if you want to "donate" any amount in exchange of the merchandise (or just pay for my transportation during the meetup), or swap them with your old books, I'll be more than willing to accept them (well, depending on the book/s, actually).

E-mail me at kittenkyd@gmail.com if you're interested in any of the titles so we can arrange the meetup.

Project Hiroki: Thirty Days of Joyshe

2012-10-31T21:56:00.001+08:00

Music: "Prayer for a Friend" by Casting Crowns

In celebration of my birth month, I plan to launch a small project called “Project Hiroki: Thirty Days of Joyshe.”

Similar to my 30 Snapshots project two years ago, only this time, I’ll be using my beloved Hiroki (camera phone) to take the pictures. Photos will include everything and anything under the sun (or moon and the stars) that show who I am—my little quirks, philosophies, favorites, and even pet peeves.

Expect a lot of cat photos, and maybe chocolate. And books. Must not forget books.

Hello, November!

Ang Sampung Utos, An Afterword

2012-10-30T23:43:00.000+08:00

Music: "Who Are You" by Ryan Ocampo

A month after it happened, I finally found the time to write about the play. Which is a good thing, I think, since the euphoria from two successful runs has passed, the frustration over the minute mistakes (mostly) forgotten. At least now, I can look at the overall experience in a more objective manner (pfft, as if), and try to distance myself from the mixed feelings of elation and irritation over everything that had gone right and wrong.

Pre-press . . . or something

The concept for the play came about while I was brainstorming for ideas for our annual production. I wanted to perform “Korinto,” a play by YESHUA that I watched way back in college. Unfortunately, I couldn’t acquire the rights to produce it, let alone a copy of the script to go over. Desperate, I pleaded with God to give me something, anything, I could present to the members of our theater ministry, something that goes in line with our theme for the year—instruction for godly living.

And because God answers prayers, he gave me the perfect idea for the play. Because what better way to instruct Christians on godly living than use the Ten Commandments as a springboard? Thus, the play “Ang Sampung Utos” was born.

It took me more than three months to write the whole thing, starting sometime around March and going past my end-of-May deadline. One day before the scheduled auditions, I was still having the script approved by our pastor and ministry adviser. One day before the first rehearsal, I was still revising the script, checking for mistakes I might have overlooked. I was unprepared, and I knew it. Still, I knew God would be with us every step of the way, so, armed with the third draft of the script and with little idea on how to go about the blockings, I set off, met the cast, and started with the production.

And nothing is impossible with the Lord, it’s true. Because four months after our first meeting, we were able to perform in front of a full house, all eager to learn God’s message through the script he provided us. And when the final curtain call ended, and everyone clapped their hands, I couldn’t help but think silently, “Thank you so much, Lord. All glory to you.”

Up close and personal?

My favorite part of the play is the dialogue between Jason (the pastor) and Catherine (the wife of Daniel, Jason’s best friend) in the "Huwag kang mangangalunya" (Thou shalt not commit adultery) scene. I think it’s one of the scenes I enjoyed writing the most. I can’t imagine myself doing what Catherine did there, so it was really challenging (and fun!) for me to come up with lines that will make her flirty, seductive, but still believable. And I loved that the actors who played the parts were spot on—Malvin, who portrayed Jason, was everything awkward and dignified and uncomfortable with Catherine’s advances, while Jas (Catherine) did a great job of all but throwing herself at Jason’s feet (she latched on his shoulders a couple of times though). She portrayed the part so well that had she been a real person, I’d want to slap her hard . . . twice. On the same cheek. And when she said, "Bakit, Pastor, don't you find me beautiful?" and then paused for effect, I almost squealed.

/coughs

Anyway, my favorite line was delivered by Matthew, Daniel and Catherine’s son in the "Huwag kang magnanakaw" (Thou shalt not steal) scene. When Daniel asked him if he saw the money he left on his study table, Matthew answered that he didn’t. And when Daniel insisted, as if trying to get him to confess, in comes the punch line:

Matthew: Hay naku, Dad, may tawag diyan eh . . . old age. (Geez, Dad, that’s called old age.)

And I love, love, love it because the two actors who played Matthew delivered the line so differently, giving the character a twist in each run. Agi was more pang-asar (Annoying? I can’t think of the proper translation right now.), while Nico was a little more respectful of his dad, and was more like just stating a fact. It’s nice to see how different actors interpret the same script, which is why I love working on alternates for roles, if I can afford to.

Speaking of alternates, the Kayla (Jason and Andrea's daughter) actresses did a superb job showing two different personalities for one character. Rosette was a little more mature and sophisticated, maybe?, while Jasmine was childish, to the point where she was literally (no, not figuratively) bouncing up and down the stage during her scenes. But hey, both interpretation of the character worked!

But my best actor award goes to Nelson, who portrayed the character of Daniel. From the responsible, gullible father to a protective husband who will go all guns ablazing against whoever dared to say a bad word about his wife, he was able to bring to life a character that I didn't really pay attention to when I was writing the draft of the script (tee hee). I mean, I know what I want to happen to him in the end, but I was more concerned on how to make Catherine exceedingly annoying but someone the audience could relate to (especially in the later scenes), and how to make a round character out of Andrea (from the typical housewife who envies her neighbor to a person who put her complete trust in the Lord), that I didn't pay too much attention to Daniel. Not that it mattered, because Nelson was able to flesh out what little personality I gave the character, so much that I never want to be at the receiving end of his anger. On stage, or in real life. On the other hand, Michael, who played alternate, gave the character a completely different personality. It was more of internal anger that I saw in him, in contrast to Nelson's external outburst.

And Lhen, the actress for Andrea? Gaah, perfect mother material. Especially the scene where she was talking to Kayla about her reasons for going to church (Alalahanin ang araw ng Sabbath upang ipangiling / Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy). And when she said, "Ano ka bang bata ka. Syempre, ina mo ako. Lagi akong handang makinig sa mga saloobin mo (or something, I forget the exact line haha!)," I shivered pleasantly at the motherly-ness of it all. And like Kayla, I almost said out loud, "Ma, salamat po ha."

Curtain call

Yes, it's a wonderful experience. Yes, the endless rehearsals gave me endless headaches. Yes, given the chance, I would do everything all over again. After all, I always make it a point to tell my team that we do what we do to give glory to the Lord, and not to ourselves. So in the end, it matters little if an actor forgot a line or missed his cue, or if the audience clapped thunder-loud during the curtain call, because no matter how much we appreciate their applause (I’d be lying if I said we don’t) or how disappointed we were that the play wasn’t executed as perfectly as we wanted, if we know, deep in our hearts, that we gave it our all for the one true Director of our lives, well, isn’t that more than enough?

The Work of God

2012-10-27T10:10:00.000+08:00

Music: "What This World Needs" by Casting Crowns

The perfect devotional reading greeted me a good morning as I was outlining in my head the things I need to do today (which include, but not limited to, reading and organizing the fifty or more columns I received for a side project, meet up with my friends, finish another blog post I've started weeks ago about the last play we produced, and, uhh, go jogging).

"It's not easy to stop trusting ourselves and rely on Christ. In this world, the message we hear is that value comes from what we do, what we earn, and what we accomplish. If we believe that, life becomes a prolonged struggle to fix everything that's broken and strive for perfection in all we do, we'll be driven and compulsive, busier than God ever meant us to be, trying to do extremely well what He never intended us to do."

Admittedly, I find it hard to rely on others, especially when it comes to tasks I need to finish. My way of thinking usually goes like this: "I better do this or that, since I know best what output I want. Besides, why bother other people when it's something I can accomplish by myself?" And often I find myself at the verge of burning out, cranky and moody, because I have too much on my plate. Plus I sound a little conceited. Like, give me your best shot, world, I can take it.

And that's just it. I can't always take it.

"Jesus was never that busy. Throughout His public ministry, He had much to do and only a little more that 3 years to do it, yet His pace was measured and deliberate.
"And so it comes to this: God's work must be done by God. We work, but we must rely on Him every step of the way."

And so I love the little reminder highlighted in bold. God's work must be done by God. It reminds me of that famous Psalty's song:

It's not by might

Nor by power

But by my spirit

It's not by might

Nor by power

Says the Lord

It's not by my own power, but by God's spirit that I can do anything.

"Before you do anything else, begin your day by expressing your dependence on God. Ask Him to help you rely on Him. Growing faith, like any other job, is a job for God!"

And so my prayer is:

Lord, forgive me for depending too much on myself and too little on You. Thank you for reminding me that it's not by my own might that I can accomplish the things I need to do, but by your spirit. Please help me be more dependent on you, and to let you do your work through me. Amen.

Partial "Read" List (as of October 19, 2012)

2012-10-19T22:46:00.000+08:00

Music: "Wonders of the Deep" by The Chemical Brothers

After drafting my partial book list for 2012, I realize that I've read A LOT of YA books this year. And that I didn't finish reading anything last July. Perhaps I overdid it last June and decided to let my brain cells recuperate? I cannot remember.

Anyway.

January:
A Lion Among Men (Gregory Maguire) **
100 Cupboards (N.D. Wilson) ***

February:
Maniac Magee (Jerry Spinelli) ***

March:
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (R.L. Stevenson) **

April:
Cirque du Freak: Vampire Mountain (Darren Shan) *
Cirque du Freak: Trials of Death (Darren Shan) **

May:
Freak the Mighty (Rodman Philbrick) **
Kit's Wilderness (David Almond) *
Fish-Hair Woman (Merlinda Bobis) **

June:
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time (Mark Haddon) *
Holes (Louis Sachar) - second reading ***
Dandelion Fire (N.D. Wilson) ***
Odd is On Our Side (Dean Koontz) **
Diary of a Wimpy Kid (Jeff Kinney) *
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (Jeff Kinney) **
Salingkit (Cyan Abad-Jugo) ***

July:
OMGWTFBBQ. I didn't read anything?!

August:
Bell Prater's Boy (Ruth White) **

September:
The Name of the Wind (Patrick Rothfuss) ***

October:
Joey Pigza Loses Control (Jack Gantos) *
The Chestnut King (N.D. Wilson) **

So that's 14 YA novels, 5 "regular" novels (because calling them "adult novels" sounds wrong), and 1 graphic novel, so far. I wonder how many more I can add to the list before the year ends?

Legends:
* Hmm, okay, I guess :-/
** Liked it :-)
*** Loved it! Definitely a great read! :-D

This. (a.k.a. George Orwell's concept of power)

2012-10-02T21:34:00.001+08:00

Music: "Chase This Light" by Jimmy Eat World

"How does one man assert his power over another, Winston?"

Winston thought. "By making him suffer," he said.

"Exactly. By making him suffer. Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? Power is in inflicting pain and humiliation. Power is in tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. Do you begin to see, then, what kind of world we are creating? . . .

"There will be no loyalty, except loyalty toward the Party. There will be no love, except the love of Big Brother. There will be no laughter, except the laugh of triumph over a defeated enemy. There will be no art, no literature, no science. When we are omnipotent we shall have no more need of science. There will be no distinction between beauty and ugliness. There will be no curiosity, no employment of the process of life. All competing pleasures will be destroyed. But always--do not forget this, Winston--always there will be intoxication of power, constantly increasing and constantly growing subtler. Always, at every moment, there will be the thrill of victory, the sensation of trampling on an enemy who is helpless. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face--forever."

-1984, George Orwell

Experimental Reads: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, The Hunger Games, A Wrinkle in Time, and (gasp!) Twilight

2012-09-26T21:13:00.000+08:00

Music: "Maskara" by Eraserheads

To cap off the year, I’m planning to do a marathon of YA reads—one title per week for four weeks, starting December 1. And not just any YA title, but four of the most popular books written by female authors, just so I can compare them with each other.

(I have no idea why I'm posting this now.)

So yes, it goes without saying that I’m including the first book of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games, and (gasp!) Twilight series in the list. The Hunger Games I’ve already read (twice?), but I don’t mind reading it again because I enjoyed it very much. I only read the second book in the HP collection, waaaaaay back in college, and Ginny pissed me off so much I decided not to continue with the series anymore after that. But I’m willing to give it another shot, because a lot of people have told me that the second book is the worst volume in the series. And while my brief encounter with Eclipse (about three to five pages, where Jacob delivered his infamous “Let’s face it. I am hotter than you.” line) changed my perception of vampires and werewolves forever, I figured it would only be logical to include Twilight in the list, and see how many pages it will take before I throw the book against a wall. Literally.

Last but not the least in the list (what?) is A Wrinkle in Time, which is a little different from the first three titles, but famous in its own right. I can’t even remember when I first read the book—three years ago, maybe? But I do remember enjoying it a lot, so I really don’t mind reading it again.

Now I just need someone to lend me his or her copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone and Twilight. Because I don’t want to invest on an HP book until I’m sure I will finish the series, and I definitely do not want to waste money on a Stephanie Meyer title.

Books, books, books!

2012-09-17T21:53:00.000+08:00

Music: "This is the Moment" from the Jekyll & Hyde OST

Last night, I found myself standing in front of my bookshelf for a whole two minutes, the pile of newly acquired books from the Manila International Book Fair in my arms, only to realize that I have barely any space left to put my newest babies.

I also realized I need to reorganize my shelf again . . . and soon. I have a feeling I'll discover books I've purchased a long time ago, hidden behind newer books, long forgotten. See those thick books in the third level and the not-so-thick books in the second? Yep, there are stacks of other books behind them. And I haven't even taken a picture of my other bookshelf yet (that one's way too disorganized for public viewing).

/coughs

Anyway, I think I overdid it with the children's books this year. Usually I buy three to six titles, most of them new releases from Adarna and OMF, but this year, I bought picture books from other publishers as well--Tahanan, Lampara, and, gasp!, yes, Vibal.

(And before anyone accuses me of being a traitor for not patronizing Anvil's books, let me just say that I do buy children's books from Anvil, but I usually buy them using my employee's discount because, err, well, it's bigger than the usual discount we offer during MIBF.)

And now, a show of titles. Cue in drum roll, please.

From Adarna House.

A select few who know about my not-so-hidden obsession with a certain illustrator will notice that I bought one of his books again. Tee hee.

From Lampara.

Yes, the he-who-must-not-be-named illustrator has a book here too.

From Vibal.

I don't usually buy books from them, but there are three reasons for this purchase:

Lina Diaz de Rivera. Frances Alcaraz (a.k.a. favorite college teacher). Cats.

'nuff said.

From Hiyas.

Because I love Jason Moss books, and Tito Dok's titles are always fun to read.

(Speaking of which, a little shameless plugging on my part--Tito Dok recently, well, not so recently, released a picture book with us.

Props to Ray Sunga for the beautiful illustrations.

I really, really enjoyed working on this project, and no, I'm not just saying this in an attempt to encourage people to grab a copy, though of course I will shamelessly promote it to anyone who would care to listen.

But seriously, the story is heartwarming, the illustrations are lovely, and I promise it will be worth the money you spend on it. Scout's honor.)

I also bought a new series, without checking first what the story is about. (I rarely do this, but . . . what? It was on sale!) Here's hoping I'll have a new addiction soon (if I actually find time to read them in the near future).

One book from Ateneo Press (I was looking for Dean's Salamanca about two years back, but must have totally missed it when I passed the Ateneo booth both times), and one from UP Press (collection of YA short stories? sold!)

But my absolute favorite is the picture book I bought from Tahanan. Not only because I love Serj Bumatay's artwork (his illustrations for Anvil's Ang Prinsipeng Kuba still give me chills whenever I look at them), but because the story is so simple yet so engaging.

Plus, the kid's name is Botbot.

That is all I'm going to say about that.

So, yes, I think I overdid it with the children's books this year, but I don't really feel bad about it. Hey, if my dream of setting up a children's library is bound to come true, might as well start early with collecting materials for it, right?

And yes, I still need to figure out a way to make more room in my shelf. Or just buy a new one altogether.

Yosh.

One Day, Five Years From Now

2012-07-15T19:34:00.000+08:00

Music: Ask Me How I Am by Snow Patrol

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice—

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

A friend asked me, "Where do you see yourself five years from now?"

The easiest answer is "I'll be five years older," but that's dry humor at its best, and probably not the most appropriate response to a serious (I think) question.

I guess I haven’t really thought about it a lot, which could either mean that a) I’ve been too busy with the present to pay attention to the future, or b) I don’t particularly care. Either reason is sad, and a little irresponsible, too.

And so, it got me thinking (which eventually led to a headache, but that’s a story for another day). My best friend Potch and used to talk about going into business—a café with a bookshoppe, or a bookshoppe with a café, or even without the café, really, just the bookshoppe will do—a couple of times. Except that we're both Literature majors, and although my mom is a superb businesswoman, I think I take after my dad more, and therefore will probably not be able to sustain the business without the help of people who know how to actually run it. But it's a thought that’s stayed in my mind for a while now, something I even discussed with my mom a few years back, and she’s supportive, really, so at least I’m sure we’ll have one regular customer?

And then I realize, I want to run a mini-library. No, seriously. For kids. Because although I'm technically bad with children, I want to give them youngsters a chance to experience the joys of reading while they’re still young. Especially in this day and age, when it’s so easy to be distracted with television, computer games, and the Internet. Because there’s a different kind of magic in holding an actual book and flipping through its pages, smelling the scent of paper and ink, that you can’t experience when reading an e-book using Kindle or an iPad (not that I’m against e-books, because I’m not). Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why I’ve been hording children’s books and YA novels for the past, oh, say, seven years? Of course, a community library sounds cool and ambitious, but I will need a good spot (the rent has to be reasonable, of course), and people who share the same vision, more or less. And money. Maybe in a few years. Somewhere in Marikina, perhaps, near our church. Or in Pasig. Hmm.

And then something theater-related. I once had this thought, just a passing fancy, really, of setting up a community theater, or a small theater school, for kids. But then I have to take an MA on theater arts first, and I don’t think that’s happening in the near future. Well, my sister has a degree in Education, so I can bully her into handling the teaching/academic side of things. Or something. But I think this is a dream that I really would want to work on—to train kids, help them mold their skills not only in acting, but in different fields as well. Something that can help them later on in life. Oh, wouldn’t that be awesome?

But, I think, what I really want to do, wherever five years from now finds me, is to be able to give back to the Lord. Whether it be by providing the best service one can have in our bookshoppe/café, or by providing kids with books that inspire (or mentally scar them for life, although I sincerely hope this would not be the case), or by training children to better prepare themselves for whatever dream they wish to pursue (and hone their acting skills, to boot). If by doing these little things, I can give glory to God, well, wouldn’t that be the most amazing thing ever?

Well, we’ll see in five years’ time then J

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do—

determined to save

the only life you could save.

–“The Journey,” Mary Oliver

Postpartum What?

2012-06-05T08:13:00.001+08:00

I’m currently browsing the manuscript of a guidebook for postpartum women, and it’s literally scaring the living crap out of me.

According to good ol’ Wikipedia, postpartum depression is “a form of clinical depression which can affect women, and less frequently men, typically after childbirth. . . . Symptoms include sadness, fatigue, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, reduced libido, crying episodes, anxiety, and irritability.”

After the Baby’s Birth (written by 2011 CNN Hero of the Year Robin Lim), the book I’m reviewing right now, offers a lot of advice on how to overcome postpartum depression, and even gives tips on exercises, recipes, and herbs that mothers can do/take to help make them feel better. I cannot relate on some issues because I’ve never given birth before, but I like the idea of mixing the physical with the spiritual, of healing that is both external and internal, both for the mother and child, and even the father. It’s a learning experience, that’s for sure, except that it’s something I cannot apply in the near future, not unless I suddenly pull an Immaculate Conception from out of nowhere.

Pfft. Like that’s going to happen.

(I’d do shameless plugging for the book, except we really don’t have a set release date yet. There’s an old edition by a foreign publisher, though I’m not sure if it’s still available anywhere.)

I asked Mamucha (our petname for our mom) yesterday if she ever experienced postpartum depression after she gave birth to me and/or my sisters. She said she didn’t even know what the term was. When I explained it to her, she looked incredulously at me, and said that no, because she was very happy when we were born. Except a little later, she told me that I was very difficult to take care of, and would only sleep when I was lying on her chest. One move, and I’d wake up and cry and cry and cry, and sometimes she just wanted to smack me or something because she got very tired. And then she went on to tell the story (for the nth time) of how she had such a hard time giving birth to me (twenty-four hour labor, no sleep, etc.), but I’ve heard it so many times before I stopped paying attention to her after a few minutes.

Oops.

Now I’m not sure if what she experienced was considered postpartum, but I’m just glad (relieved, actually) that she didn’t go batshit insane while nursing us. I wouldn’t blame her if she did, though.

Reading about what may happen to me when (if) I give birth is freaking me out a bit (or maybe a lot), because I was never good with kids to begin with. I mean, the mere idea of carrying a child in my belly for nine months and needing to be disciplined enough to ensure the health of myself and the baby is enough of a fright for me already. Learning that it doesn’t get easier after giving birth isn’t a comforting thought, that it’s not. (Ugh, I think I watched too many episodes of Rurouni Kenshin recently.)

And then I read this part:

"Who would venture to bring offspring into this world if they knew ahead of time that hemorrhoids were often part of the deal?"

Okay, I'm double scared now x_x

And then this anecdote:

"After a long and difficult labor I was finally in the delivery room. My legs were forced apart, and put into stirrups. The doctor, a man I hardly knew, examined me. He asked me if I wanted a boy or a girl. I remember saying, 'I don't care if it's a set of dishes, just get it out of me.' "

And I’m like, darn it, I don’t want to end up like that!

So comes the dilemma (and the reason why I’m seriously considering just adopting a kid years from now, if I end up not marrying, or if my husband is cool with the idea too): Will I ever be mature enough to successfully go through pregnancy and child birth? Will I follow my mom’s footsteps and be in perpetual bliss after giving birth, or will I be one of those postpartum women who do nothing but cry and get cranky and feel the urge to smother their husband and/or kid (with pillows, not kisses)?

I’m sort of scared to find out.

But then again, if my mom did it, why can’t I? Heck, she survived me, right? How bad could it be? If I make Mamucha my role model, I think I’ll be just fine. She is, after all, a wonderful mother, up until now. Sure, she has her faults, but come on, raising three kids singlehandedly and sending them to the best schools in the country? If I can be half as good a mother as she is, then I’m pretty sure my future kid/s (natural or adopted) will have nothing to worry about (a lot).

Well, at least I don’t have to worry about that in the near future. Not with the way my non-existent love life is going. Not that I’m in a hurry, though. Well, my mom is, because she wants grandkids soon. Me? Probably not in the next two years or so.

(I’ll start panicking when I reach thirty, perhaps. Or maybe not even then.)

P.S. My favorite line from the book?

“How do you become friends with food? Enjoy it! It is a wonderful part of life.”

Hell yeah.

Of Oreos and Happy Endings

2012-06-01T17:35:00.004+08:00

Music: Just Watch the Fireworks by Jimmy Eat World

"You're all right, you're all right, you're all right."

—"Simon," Lifehouse (No Name Face)

...

Three years after I vowed never to eat an Oreo cookie again (for reasons that only a few close friends know of), I finally found the resolve (or is it courage?) to buy a pack of my-at-one-time-favorite snack.

2012 is the year of new beginnings for me, I guess.

Well, I only bought the chocolate sandwich cookie flavor. I think it will take a couple more months before I can actually try the vanilla-flavored version again. Because although this year is about new beginnings and all that jazz, I never did like forcing myself in situations I’m not comfortable with.

(Three hours after eating them, my stomach started to ache. Haha, very funny, I say to no one.)

...

Sometimes I think God has such a quirky sense of humor He enjoys making me wait and wait and wait until the last minute before He actually answers my prayers. Because He knows patience is a virtue I didn’t learn in school, and that surprises rarely appeal to me (unless they’re really, really good news), and maybe, just maybe, He enjoys making me wait, just so He could see how much I can take before I just, well, explode from frustration.

So every time he does answer, I always feel like saying, "Yeah, very funny, Lord, and yet, I’m happy (and relieved, perhaps? and just a little bit excited, maybe?) that You finally answered."

...

I don’t assume. Wishful thinking, yes. Daydreams with convenient plot holes, fire away. But not assume. Never assume. Because assumptions lead to disappointments. And I’ve had enough disappointments to last me a lifetime, thank you very much.

...

I opened my Formspring account after ignoring it for a long, long time. Heck, I completely forgot I even have one until the site sent me a notice via e-mail. As I was scrolling down the questions posted for me since the last time I’ve logged in (last year, apparently), I spotted a not-so-cryptic post smacked in the middle of “What’s your passion?” and “Who is the sexiest man alive?” (My answer’s Cillian Murphy, by the way, to both questions, maybe.):

“Still angry with me?”

(Mind not the typo.)

I realized I never answered the question before. Maybe because I didn’t know the answer one year ago. And then, as I reflected on it, I realized that, no, I’m not angry with her anymore, or him, for that matter. I haven’t been for a long time. Maybe even during the time when the question was posted.

Some people deserve to be forgiven. I don’t know if she, or he, does, but then again, who am I to decide who deserves forgiveness or not? God forgave my sins, so what right do I have not to forgive others? Besides, I think I owe it to myself to forgive them anyway. And I guess I must have, a long, long time ago, because I couldn’t feel even the slightest hint of repulsion as I stared at her profile photo.

Well, I guess this year is about endings and new beginnings, after all.

(No. I am no longer angry with you.)

...

I don’t believe in happy endings. For me, endings are always painful. Death, breakup, separation—what’s so happy with that?

I don't expect a happy ending with anyone.

I do believe in a life lived happily, though. Because instead of focusing on the end, I’d rather take one day at a time, really. And make the most out of it. And love the people around me. No matter how much I dislike them.

I pray for a life lived happily with someone, then. For as long as I, we, could.

(Uhm, yes, there's a difference.)

...

I swear, I’m going to finish writing my zombie fairy tale. Just because I don’t believe in happy endings, doesn’t mean I can’t write about one, right?

Besides, zombies are cool.

...

To quote Maurice Sendak:

I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready.

Lifehouse in Manila!

2012-05-22T11:11:00.000+08:00

Music: Bridges by Lifehouse

I’ve seen it all and it’s never enough

It keeps leaving me needing you.

–“Take Me Away,” Lifehouse (Stanley Climbfall)

Lifehouse is holding a concert on May 26, and I’m giddy with excitement, so much that I think fuzzy wuzzy bunnies and hamsters just about made my tummy their permanent nesting ground until the weekend. Oh yes, they’re doing cartwheels even as I type down these words.

And it’s not even because I’m obsessed with LH’s lead vocalist Jason Wade (or maybe I am, just an itsy bitsy bit). I don’t have the knack for proper fangirling anyway. I don’t squeal (not as loudly as the others, at least), I don’t stalk (except when I search for LH music videos and interviews via YouTube), and I don’t collect his photos (and personal belongings) for my shrine (not that I have one . . . no, seriously, I don’t). And it’s not like I’ve memorized all their songs either. I mean, I know “Hanging By a Moment” by heart (even the little pauses and all), but there are a few songs that I wouldn’t recognize on first hearing, not until I hear Jason’s voice booming in my headset or the speakers.

But while I’m not a full-blown (or all-out?) fan(girl), I am a fan, still. Because Lifehouse introduced “Hanging By a Moment” to the world, and it has become my favorite song of all time ever since. Because that song is not simply a love song (although I don’t mind if it is), but also about a spiritual connection with your God (what? check Jason’s statement about how he wrote the song!). Because although Lifehouse is not a Christian band per se, their songs can very well be considered spiritual, without turning you off or suffocating you because of a sense of forced morality.

So, yes, I am ecstatic at the fact that Lifehouse will be in Manila this Saturday. And while the rest of the population is abuzz with Lady Gaga and her Born This Way ball, I’ll quietly wait for the weekend to come, so I can rock it out with the rest of them Lifehouse fans. Because rather than being content with the fact that we are just born this way, I will choose to believe that someday, we’ll all find it, whatever it is that we’re looking for, inside the disarray J And that when that day comes, we will discover who we (really) are.

Yosh! My dream playlist for Saturday (in no particular order):

Hanging By a Moment (No Name Face)
Everything (No Name Face)
Quasimodo (No Name Face) OR Simon (No Name Face)
Spin (Stanley Climbfall)
Take Me Away (Stanley Climbfall)
Sky is Falling (Stanley Climbfall) OR Stanley Climbfall (Stanley Climbfall)
Blind (Lifehouse)
You and Me (Lifehouse) OR We’ll Never Know (Lifehouse)
Days Go By (Lifehouse) OR All in All (Lifehouse)
Disarray (Who We Are)
First Time (Who We Are)
Make Me Over (Who We Are)
Had Enough (Smoke and Mirrors)
Falling In (Smoke and Mirrors)
Wrecking Ball (Smoke and Mirrors)

Nothing left to do but wait for Saturday then. See you in a few days, Jason, Rick, Bryce and Ben!

New blog for stories/scripts/poems!

2012-04-06T00:26:00.003+08:00

Music: Electric fan in the background

Just a little shameless plugging:

Please visit my other blog http://blueandwhitepencils.blogspot.com/ to read my original scripts, stories, poems, and everything in between.

Basically, everything and anything that has to do with creative writing (supposedly) will be posted there.

Thanks!

Looking Back: The Original Thursday Group

2012-03-22T17:04:00.004+08:00

Music: Futures by Jimmy Eat World

More than a year after I made this little Christmas gift for the Thursday Group, I come to realize how we have changed over the months, and how fitting these songs are for each of us, even up to now.

1 - Simple Life (Sherwood)

For everyone in my little group (because, after all, I think they are the ones I’ve been searching for all my life...well, at least part of what I've been searching for)

~ I can't believe I said that. Insert cheesy emoticon here, please.

2 - Not Sure Yet (Andy Lange)

For Gel (because he's never given up on the idea of a happy ending)

~ And with the way things are going now, I have a good feeling he'll get just what he needs, and that no matter what happens, he will be fine. It will all be fine.

3 - Chase This Light (Jimmy Eat World)

For Ice (because, after all the chasing and falling and hurting, she's finally getting the happily ever after she deserves)

~ When I chose this song for Ice, I didn't know that it was supposed to be a "proposal/marriage" song. I'm glad it is, and that she is now happily chasing the light with her hubby Chris, confetti rainfall and all.

4 - Brand New Day (Joshua Radin)

For Ivan (because he finally found Miss Right, after a series of Misses Wrong)

~ What more can I say? :)

5 - Hammers and Strings – A Lullaby (Jack’s Mannequin)

For Ayen (because sometimes, all she really needs is someone to sing to her in her sleep)

~ And I'm still praying for that someone to hurry up and show himself, damn it, because Ayen is still waiting. Or, if she's not, her friends sure as heck are.

6 - How To Save a Life (The Fray)

For Gia (because sometimes, despite all efforts, friendships end, but it doesn’t mean that they end forever)

~ Well, she's an attorney now, so I guess she'll save lives in a different way? (I seriously cannot remember the context of this song anymore, doh.)

7 - Goodnight and Go (Imogen Heap)

For Lorraine (because of reasons that will not be mentioned here, since, you know, I fear for my life)

~ I still fear for my life, by the way :))

8 - Giving It Away (MAE)

For myself (because I need to learn to start trusting again)

~ I think I'm ready :)

And wouldn't you know it, our little group just got all the bigger. So I guess this means I need to collect more songs for next Christmas :)

Cheers to friendship! XD

The Lonely Life (a.k.a. Many people are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.)

2012-01-25T22:42:00.004+08:00

Music: My mother and kuya eating in the dining room

I just want to share portions of my devotion for tonight, since I think a lot of people suffer from depression or plain loneliness. Dave Branon says:

Using God's Word, discover how the following three actions can help to ease your loneliness:

1. Learn contentment. Read Philippians 4:10-13*, then ask God to help you to depend on Him each day and to learn to be content in any situation.

2. Do good for someone. Read Hebrews 13:1-3**, then look for someone in need of help. You'll get rid of loneliness for both of you.

3. Worship with God's people. Hebrews 10:21-25*** emphasize the value of worshiping with other believers. Find someone with whom you can praise God.

If you're feeling lonely, lean on Jesus for contentment. Help someone else. And worship God with other believers. These actions will redirect your thinking and remind you that when you know God you're never alone.

I may not be undergoing depression right now, but like most people, I've been there, done that. And I have had bouts of loneliness every now and then (recently, to be honest), but I've learned to be content (as much as I could), and to focus on what I have rather than what I don't. It's not as easy as it sounds, but with constant communication with the Lord (and crazy but wonderful friends), I think I'm doing pretty well.

I also remember a conversation I had with my high school best friend years back. I was telling her about a problem I had, but not in a way that showed that I was bothered with it or something. Then she said something that made me pause and think for a bit. She said that I always listen to other people's problems and try to fix things for them, that I don't have any time left to deal with mine. After some thought, I told her that by doing so, I can focus on others' problems and forget my own. Though it may not be the healthiest of practices, I think I understand how it can connect to step #2. By helping other people, you have less time to worry about your own loneliness. And the sense of fulfillment when you see someone's day brighten up because of you is wonderful as well.

And of course, worshiping God, whether alone or in a group, is a sure-fire way to ease the loneliness that may be slowly eating you. Because, really, what better way to feel joy than talk to the greatest listener of all?

Footnotes:

* 10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

** 1 Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. 2 Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. 3 Continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.

*** 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Untitled #2 (a.k.a. True love is not found in fairy tales.)

2012-01-03T22:34:00.004+08:00

Music: Keep It Quiet by Ra Ra Riot

I'm not really a lyricist, and I can't play any instrument either, even if my life depended on it. Well, okay, I can play a few songs in the piano, and maybe one or two with a guitar, but that's about it. I'm not a poet either; I'm more of a fiction rather that poetry person.

So I'm not really sure what to call this. Maybe, one day, I'll ask (force/blackmail) someone to add the melody for this little piece. Maybe.

Currently untitled, again.

There was once a girl
who knew too little and loved too much
and she found herself
disconcerted.

So she gave too little and expected too much
and she found herself
disappointed.

This girl grew cynical and jaded
and refused to believe that she could be
deserving of the happy ending
Disney princesses always get
and she found herself
disillusioned.

Who will tell her that true love is not found in fairy tales?
That knights often come in rusty armor
And she has to fight dragons by herself?
Who will show her that endings are not always happy
And hearts break quicker than they can heal?

Who will tell her that true love is not in fairy tales?

So she keeps to herself
and braves the world
Alone.

And she tries to prove to everyone
that love is for simple-minded fools

and still,

a part of her wishes for her prince to come . . .

but no one does
and she finds herself
disenchanted.

Who will tell her that life is not made up of happy endings?
That sometimes, the prince charming runs off with
the wicked witch of the west?
Who will save her from the tower she locked herself in?

Who will tell her that life seldom offers happy endings?

Hold your head high, little girl
and don't give up hope
happy endings may not exist
but happiness does
open your heart to endless possibilities
and brace yourself
you will be hurt, you will cry
but it will be all worth it
in the end.

True love is not found in fairy tales
Because fairy tales are just that--tales
But the best stories are often filled with the most painful things
So hold your head up, little girl
And brace yourself

Life is not made of happy endings
but that does not mean
love is not

real.

Untitled #1 (a.k.a. This story does not have a fairy tale happy ending.)

2011-12-02T23:05:00.004+08:00

Music: Me singing "Kill the Messenger" by Jack's Mannequin, with the electric fan whirring noisily in the background

A snippet of a short story in the making, just to get the ball rolling, get things (re)started, so to speak. Unbeta-ed, of course, so grammatical errors, subject-verb agreement errors, and typos may/might abound. Currently untitled too.

This story does not have a fairy tale happy ending.

Unlike Cinderella, there is no fairy godmother to grant wishes and no glass slippers to try on. Snow White’s seven dwarfs are not present to battle the evil witch, and no woodcutter to save Little Red Riding Hood from the hungry wolf. The beast continues to be a beast, and no Belle will ever fall in love and turn him back into the prince he once was.

There is only the lost young woman walking in the rain, bare feet caked with mud, white dress soaked with raindrops. She wanders around a deserted highway, summoned by an invisible force unknown yet familiar. She doesn’t remember her name, doesn’t know where she came from. She does not remember anything. She woke up and found herself in a shallow grave two months ago, but panic did not overcome her. She merely dug her way out and started searching for the source of that silent voice that beckons her.

And so she finds herself walking aimlessly in the streets, the pitter-patter of rain her only melody. How she survived those cold nights alone even she cannot tell. Many a times she felt danger lurking her way, and always she would escape before evil stops her in her tracks.

She feels that she is near her destination, that sooner or later she will meet the owner of this voice, the sole reason why she rose from the grave, why she, a lady Lazarus, continues to walk this earth.

back from the dead

2011-12-02T22:43:00.003+08:00

Music: Someone Like You by Adele

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

I have absolutely no excuse for not updating this journal since forever.

(Well, actually, I do, but they're boring excuses and are better off left unsaid.)

That being said, I promise to TRY (note the key word: TRY) to post more regularly, and wreck havoc upon the virtual world again.

/cue in evil laughter

For those who dropped a note (especially for my Sirkulo post), I apologize for not replying any sooner. I promise to get to that soon. I mean, right now. Right.

/bounces off to answer her e-mails

Horror QQ #17 - Girls are always supposed to be so pure

2011-02-17T21:06:00.003+08:00

Music: Make Me Over by Lifehouse

I don't have much to say right now, except that I want to say a lot of things, but I've been tired as hell for the past couple of days that I don't even have enough strength left to write a lengthy post. So I'll just do this little excerpt thing and be on my way. This one's from one of my favorite books, George Orwell's 1984.

"What are these books like?" said Winston curiously.
"Oh, ghastly rubbish. They're boring, really. They only have six plots, but they swap them round a bit. Of course I was only on the kaleidoscopes. I was never in the Rewrite Squad. I'm not literary, dear--not even enough for that."
He learned with astonishment that all the workers in Pornosec, except the head of the department, were girls. The theory was that men, whose sex instincts were less controllable than those of women, were in greater danger of being corrupted by the filth they handled.
"They don't even like having married women there," she added. "Girls are always supposed to be so pure. Here's one who isn't, anyway."
She had her first love affair when she was sixteen, with a Party member of sixty who later committed suicide to avoid arrest. "And a good job too," said Julia. "Otherwise they'd have had my name out of him when he confessed." Since then there had been various others. Life as she saw it was quite simple. You wanted a good time; "they," meaning the Party, wanted to stop you having it; you broke the rules as best you could.

Horror QQ #16 - Cant' think of name

2011-02-16T23:04:00.003+08:00

Music: City sounds at night

I'm so sleepy right now that I will postpone my rant about Ryan Murphy ruining Chord Overstreet for me because of that stupid Justin Bieber song. Or how he also ruined "Take Me or Leave Me," one of my favorite songs from RENT. Hopefully, a good night's sleep will stop me from sending him black, ticking boxes that explode upon contact. And I'm not even a Gleek.

And now, before I fall face-first on my spunky keyboard, I bring to you a passage from A Scanner Darkly.

A black-and-white evidently had noticed something in Charles Freck's driving that he hadn't noticed; it had taken off from its parking spot and was moving along behind him in traffic, so far without lights or siren, but . . .
Maybe I'm weaving or something, he thought. Fucking goddamn fuzzmobile saw me fucking up. I wonder what.
COP: "All right, what's your name?"
"My name?"(CAN'T THINK OF NAME.)
"You don't know your own name?" Cop signals to other cop in prowl car. "This guy is really spaced."
"Don't shoot me here." Charles Freck in his horror-fantasy number induced by the sight of the black-and-white pacing him. "At least take me to the station house and shoot me there, out of sight."
To survive in this fascist police state, he thought, you gotta always be able able to come up with a name, your name. At all times. That's the first they look for that you're wired, not being able to figure out who the hell you are.

Horror QQ #15 - Not an aerialist

2011-02-15T22:40:00.004+08:00

Music: Dusk and Summer by Dashboard Confessional

True to my promise, here is my second horror QQ for tonight. I wanted to quote something from Odd Thomas, but then I remembered that I lent my copy of the book to a friend and will probably not get it back in a couple more months. And because I'm lazy to look for an excerpt online, I'm quoting something from Life Expectancy instead.

I'm not really afraid of clowns, but for those who are, you might want to skip this novel and search for something more happy-go-lucky instead, like, say, A Series of Unfortunate Events. Pfft. Right.

For an instant, Dad thought Beezo had used a clown gun, some trick firearm that squirted red ink. The doctor dropped to the floor, however, not with comic flair but with hideous finality, and the smell of blood plumed thick, too real.
Beezo turned to Dad and raised the pistol.
In spite of the rumpled porkpie hat and the short-sleeved coat and the bright patch on the seat of his pants, in spite of the white greasepaint and the rouged cheeks, nothing about Konrad Beezo was clownish at that moment. His eyes were those of a jungle cat, and it was easy to imagine that the teeth bared in his snarl were tiger fangs. He loomed, the embodiment of murderous dementia, demonic.
Dad thought that he, too, would be shot, but Beezo said, "Stay out of my way, Rudy Tock. I have no quarrel with you. You're not an aerialist."
- Life Expectancy, Dean Koontz (p.22)

Horror QQ #14 - A skull and a shoe and a pot full of goo

2011-02-15T22:27:00.004+08:00

Music: For You to Notice by Dashboard Confessional

There's nothing much to say about this next book. It's supposed to be a petrifying parody of Goodnight Moon, except that I actually find the monsters cute, so they didn't scare me at all. Of course, I can't speak for all the three- to five-year-old kids who will read this. I'm jaded and cute little monsters do not scare me anymore, but I hope these little kids still have most of their innocence intact so that they can enjoy a good scare.

In the cold gray tomb

There was a gravestone

And a black lagoon

And a picture of--

Martians taking over the moon

And there were three little mummies rubbing their tummies

And two hairy claws

And a set of jaws

And a loud screechy bat

And a black hat

And a skull and a shoe and a pot full of goo

And a hairy old werewolf who was hollering "Boo"

(no, you have to get a copy of the book to see the other half)

Sticky Note: No horror QQ tonight

2011-02-14T23:35:00.002+08:00

Music: Equilibrium movie in the background

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I will not be able to post a horror QQ for tonight. I will, however, make up for it by posting twice tomorrow.

Tomorrow, then! XD

Horror QQ #13 - It is only the sacred things that are worth touching

2011-02-13T23:09:00.004+08:00

Music: The Spirit of Giving by The New Pornographers

I like Dorian Gray. I think there's something tragic about his life (which is pretty much the case with some book characters anyway), and I feel sad with how his innocence had melted away and replaced with such perversion and...emptiness. I also like Ben Barnes...well, actually, Ben Barnes in the movie version of the book. I hated the Emily character though, and the fact that they changed the ending and added another woman character that wasn't even supposed to be there, especially since I kind of like Sibyl Vane, or at least, what she represents in Dorian's life. Plus, Sibyl was an actress, and the actress who portrayed her in the movie is the same actress who did the Wendy role for Peter Pan, which I absolutely loved.

But I digress.

For the night before Valentines day, I've decided to quote a passage from the novel The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, specifically the conversation between Dorian and Lord Henry (never liked him, both in the novel and film) about Sibyl.

"But an actress! How different an actress is! Harry! Why didn't you tell me that the only thing worth loving is an actress?"
"Because I have loved so many of them, Dorian."
"Oh, yes; horrid people with dyed hair and painted faces."
"Don't run down dyed hair and painted faces. There is an extraordinary charm in them, sometimes," said Lord Henry.
"I wish now I had not told you about Sibyl Vane."
"You could not have helped telling me, Dorian. All through your life you will tell me everything you do."
"Yes, Harry, I believe that is true. I cannot help telling you things. You have a curious influence over me. If I ever did a crime, I would come and confess it to you. You would understand me."
"People like you--the willful sunbeams of life--don't commit crimes, Dorian. But I am much obliged for the compliment, all the same. And now tell me--reach me the matches, like a good boy: thanks--what are your actual relations with Sibyl Vane?"
Dorian leaped to his feet, with flushed cheeks and burning eyes. "Harry, Sibyl Vane is sacred!"
"It is only the sacred things that are worth touching, Dorian," said Lord Henry, with a strange touch of pathos in his voice. "But why should you be annoyed? I suppose she will belong to you some day. When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance."

Horror QQ #12 - An adult wolf has 42 teeth

2011-02-12T21:39:00.004+08:00

Music: Mirrors and Smoke by Jars of Clay

About two years ago, I went through a very short "fetish for wolves" phase in my life as a children's books collector. I have no idea why or how it all began, but by the end of my temporary madness, I managed to buy six picture books, which include, but not limited to, The True Story of the 3 Little Pigs! By A. Wolf (which I found after digging through piles and piles of children's books in five different Book Sale outlets) and Lon Po Po (a Chinese retelling of Little Red Riding Hood).

One of the books I bought during that phase is Wolves by Emily Gravett, which won the Kate Greenaway Medal in 2006 for its illustrations. (I haven't found a copy of her other book Wolves Don't Bite, but I am not giving up.) Quoting the whole book will not make any sense because the illustrations are what made the book special (and a little scary, if you're a three-year-old). So with the help of ever-reliable Google, I searched for uploaded pages of the book, just so you guys will get a feel of what the story is about.

Credits for the illustrations belong to Emily Gravett. Credits for the scanning/ uploading of the pages on the web belong to the respective scanners/ uploaders.

An adult wolf has 42 teeth. Its jaws are twice as powerful as those of a large dog.

Wolves eat mainly meat. They hunt large prey such as deer, bison and moose.

They also enjoy smaller mammals, like beavers, voles and . . .

(well, you have to read the rest of the book to find out)