Fibro Files

Nightmares

2011-08-10T08:26:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday was back to school night at the kids school, my old work, and Monday was their first day of school. Since Thursday I have noticed myself hurting more and more, thinking it was just the stress of a new school year for the kids and starting up a new routine. Last night, I tossed and turned with muscle spasms, anxiety, body aches and NIGHTMARES. When I woke up this morning it was apparent to me that I need to start taking this PTSD seriously and realize that it effecting my well being. My kids will go to school for a long, long time and I will be going to the school at least twice a day for pick up and drop off, never mind the classroom volunteering that I soooo wish to do. If I don't start getting to the root of all this then I don't think my fibro will ever be manageable. I have always just shrugged the whole PTSD theory off, I mean, I know in my head that my irrational worries are stupid. BUT, it is still effecting me to the point of severe pain! OMG!!! This is not a "mind over matter" situation, at least, not without the right help.

In the Twilight Zone

2011-07-26T10:16:00.000-07:00

It seems like the last 5 or 6 weeks have been exceptionally hard. The weather is a huge factor and the kids being on summer vacation is another major factor. I love the kids being home, but it is extra exhausting and challenging keeping them entertained, fed and teaching them their responsibilities. It would be so EASY for me to let them run a muck and be happy doing what they wanted whenever they wanted... But one of the most important things as being their mom is to teach them how to be a good contribution to society by being independent, responsible and good citizens. I feel that chores are the best way to reinforce this in my children, this way they learn how to take care of things and over time take care of themselves. I don't want to send my son off to college and him not know how to make a meal or to think someone will pick up after him. Ya know? For the most part my kids are very good at doing their chores... BUT this summer has been a major test on my patience. My kids want to be lazy, they see me resting and they think they can slack off or figure I am to tired to reinforce their duties. They want to do everything else but what they should do to contribute to the function of our household and the {starving} pets. I am looking for a way to reinforce these life lessons, maybe take a different approach... I need to come up with a good plan that will work with MY fibro and lack of energy and the fact that my brain is in the twilight zone... Any thoughts?

Guilty as charged!

2011-07-20T10:18:00.000-07:00

I was found guilty of speeding yesterday in court. BUMMER! First of all, what the hell was I thinking? I am so NOT the Carly I still think I am. It was a really bad decision to think I could go in and fight it. I mean, If I were myself then I'm almost positive I could have plead my case. But since life decided make my body and mind specially challenged I ended up making myself psychically sick worrying about the court day. Then, while I was in the court room I felt so much fear, FEAR!!! What the hell?... My mind was telling me that nothing bad was happening or going to happen but my body felt like someone was going to bust into the court room angry and try to hurt us. So frickin LAME that I can't control this! So I was sitting in the seat waiting for my turn and all I could do was breath and talk myself out of whatever I was doin... then it was my turn and I FROZE up, I was shaking, my voice was quivering, I left out tons of pertinent information and then I started to tear up. After all was said and done with the judge and the cop I went to find out about my fine and the procedure... While in route with an anxiety attack I went outside to call my husband to tell him I had till 5pm to get back to the court to pay the fine... I told him all about it and he drilled me on what I said to plea my case... we had gone over it and over it and we were both confident... I could tell he was frustrated that I "shut down" and even though he didn't say it, I know he was frustrated that I'm no longer the wife he married who used to be awesome at doing these things. So, Still at the courthouse, off the phone but still in major anxiety attack. I went back inside and sat down in the AC, got a tissue and drank some water. The Judge and the cop were chit chatting... and suddenly I felt compelled to talk to them. I told them I was sorry for being a wreck and I was experiencing a lot of anxiety. The offered to call an ambulance but of course I declined... I know the whole drill with my anxiety... just ride it out. Then I told them I wanted to make sure they knew that I was NOT crying because I didn't get "my way" with the decision, I understand and all of that is fine. Then I told them that the reason I was the way I was is because I was in a situation last year with lots of police and SWAT and from that point forward I seem to feel intense fear that something bad is happening whenever I see police or authority and I seem to freeze up and have uncontrollable fear. I just wanted them to know that I was not a cry baby because of the ticket... the "crazy lady" in front of them was out of my control. Really the whole conversation took about 3 minutes, the judge had me sit for a few to calm myself (talking to them made me feel better) and then I headed to the bank and then back to pay my $227 fine! It's funny because the cop actually pulled up to me in the parking lot and wanted to talk, he was super nice and said I should go on a ride-along sometime. Funny.
After all that, I am fully aware that I am a total NERD. Everyone who will read this will tell me, "I can't believe you did that" or "oh Carly"... I know most people don't understand why I do what I do, in fact, I don't know why I do what I do either. I just go with what I feel I need to do. I'm not going to apologize for being me. (whoever "me" is these days).

Hokey Pokey Anonymous, a place to turn yourself around.

2011-07-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm part of Hokey Pokey Anonymous, I have embarked a silly life of turning myself around... sometimes it's so painful and annoying that I just have to laugh. I usually cry before I laugh, but really this whole ordeal is so ridiculous!
We went to Tucson last weekend to take my son to camp. We decided to visit my husbands cousin (who's more like a brother) while were were there. So we left Saturday, and went to the Tucson Childrens museum first, has a great time then went back to our cousins home to get ready for a special dinner. We went to dinner at Flemming's Steak House, a very upscale restaurant that we could never afford! It just so happens that our cousin is the Chef Partner there and we were invited for dinner! We were treated like rockstars! As soon as we sat down (no wait!) we were brought lobster tempura and seared ahi tuna, then dinner was to die for and chocolate lava cake and pistachio ice cream! Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm, sooooo yummy!!! It was such a fun outing for me and the fam! It must have been all the Shirley Temples and Roy Rodgers the kids drank because both of them stayed up past midnight being super silly. We slept over and got up the next morning to take our boy to camp! When we got to camp we checked it all out and then said goodbye (sniff, sniff) and headed home. I have been recovering all week from last weekends adventures... and already, tomorrow we pick him up!
... so like I said, sometimes I just have to laugh at how ridiculous this fibro ordeal is!... Hence: Hokey Pokey Anonymous.

Summer Camp

2011-07-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

It's time to get my son ready for summer camp! This is his first time going to camp and I am SOOOOO excited for him! I went to camp every summer and if I had the chance to be a kid and do it again I would in a heartbeat! I have so many great memories! I am contemplating stocking him up with a few necessities not on the list of items to bring... like, shaving cream and toilet paper... those items were always necessary when I went. Hmmmmm, should I? I will have to have "the talk" with him if I do... I'm almost positive he will be happy his mom set him up with the "extra" camp necessities... right?... Oh I am such a bad mom! hahahaha! Camp pranks were always the best! Remember putting your friends hand in warm water and chanting "wet the bed, wet the bed"... I always loved playing light as a feather stiff as a board and getting freaked out saying "Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary". I wonder if the kids still do these things?... I'm sure, but I don't think I'll be teaching my kid light as a feather stiff as a board... I will teach him the best way to sneak into the cabin next door and TP it while the other kids are sleeping though! Yes, just give me the "mom of the year award" now :) As long as nobody gets hurt it's all good! Gosh I love camp!!!!!

Splenda is KILLING me!!!

2011-07-05T12:06:00.000-07:00

It seems as though everyone I meet has the "cure" to my fibro... "take this, try that, do this, don't do that"... All the suggestions have fallen on def ears because I have tried several things and things are not really working... it's become exhausting trying "this and that", which ultimately makes me feel worse because of the frustration! So a couple of months ago when my husband told me a lady said I should stop using Splenda I let that info go in one ear and out the other. Besides, I love my splenda and it's made from real sugar. I drink coffee like nobody's business, I need the energy I get from it. Vitamin B just isn't enough! If I don't drink coffee then I don't get through a day, good day or bad day! (And, I don't like soda)... so yah, that info was just another one of those suggestions from someone who means well but just doesn't understand ME. Fast forward to 2 days ago: My husband who was obviously frustrated with my fibro started to lay it into me that I should stop with the splenda because it was the cause of ALL my problems {because some lady told him so}... so I was like "blah blah blah, whatever, don't you understand that EVERYONE has a cure for me BUT NOTHING WORKS in the end???"... So my husband googled Splenda, Fibromyalgia and a zillion links opened up! As it turns out Splenda is made from real sugar BUT it's manufactured into: Sucralose (see below, information found @ http://www.truthaboutsplenda.com/resources/faqs.html )

What is Splenda made from?

Splenda is the trademarked name for sucralose, an artificial chlorinated sweetener that is formed when the hydroxyl groups in a sugar molecule are replaced with chlorine molecules. Sucralose is manufactured in a chemical plant in Alabama, and then a bulking agent is added to create Splenda. While the FDA has ruled that the chemical compound sucralose is not in itself toxic, there is no question that it is unnatural and is a highly-processed chemical artificial sweetener that depends on the presence of chlorine for its intense sweetness.

What is sucralose (Splenda)?

Sucralose is the final chemical compound created by the addition of chlorine atoms to sucrose molecules through a complex chemical reaction involving a number of highly toxic chemicals. Sucralose is not natural.

How is sucralose different from sucrose?

Sucrose is naturally produced from sugar beets or sugar cane. There is nothing natural or organic about sucralose. It is a chemical compound with a name similar to sucrose that helps to market the product. The similarity in names is extremely confusing to consumers.

Is the chlorine in Splenda any different than the chlorine used in swimming pools?

No. The same atoms of chlorine that are used in products to disinfect swimming pools are also found in Splenda. Those products are labeled as containing chlorine, and Splenda should be labeled as exactly what it is: a chlorinated artificial sweetener. Consumers have a right to know.

Then I found this @ http://www.womentowomen.com/healthyweight/splenda.aspx :

Splenda side effects

Evidence that there are side effects of Splenda is accumulating little by little. Sucralose has been implicated as a possible migraine trigger, for example. Self-reported adverse reactions to Splenda or sucralose collected by the Sucralose Toxicity Information Center include skin rashes/flushing, panic-like agitation, dizziness and numbness, diarrhea, swelling, muscle aches, headaches, intestinal cramping, bladder issues, and stomach pain. These show up at one end of the spectrum — in the people who have an allergy or sensitivity to the sucralose molecule. But no one can say to what degree consuming Splenda affects the rest of us, and there are no long-term studies in humans with large numbers of subjects to say one way or the other if it’s safe for everyone.

As it turns out, I suffer from most of those side effects, especially panic-like agitation, dizziness and numbness, muscle aches, headaches, intestinal cramping, bladder issues (Interstitial cystitis to be exact), and stomach pain.
Now, I am not saying I don't have Fibro, I do in fact believe I absolutely have fibromyalgia, I believe I have had it since I was fairly young. BUT, after researching Splenda I believe that this has intensified all of my issues and CAUSED others including my gallbladder last year and my interstitial cystitis.
Now, to fully understand how much splenda I have consumed: I have used splenda for at least 6 years, I use it in my coffee and I even use it for baking. I drink 2-4 coffees a day using 2 teaspoons in each drink unless it's a venti starbucks americano, then I use 3. Since the manufacturers of splenda have not tested this product long term I am a human guinea pig! I also read that the manufacturers of splenda are banking that people don't use this product on a regular basis, only when they go out to eat and put it in their iced tea... not they way I do. But hey, I thought I have been doing myself justice because if I do consume as much coffee as I do I might as well use sugar that has no calories, right? Right!
On an added note, After my daughter was born I never seemed to get back to my "normal"... I have gradually gotten "worse" over the past 5 years. It is SOOOOO possible that splenda has played a major factor in all of this!
You better believe that I will continue to research this! As for you, if you use splenda or know someone who does, READ THIS: http://www.truthaboutsplenda.com/resources/faqs.html

Welcome Back!

2011-06-28T17:09:00.000-07:00

I'm welcoming myself back to blog world... Now that school is out and summer is here I have been caught up in the life of "entertain the kids". It's been fun and exhausting! After busy mornings of swim lessons and library visits I usually come home and collapse for a couple of hours before I gotta get up and entertain some more... I just haven't been able to squeeze in blogging. Ugg. ... So I'm back with a zillion things to talk about except I can't remember what!!??!!!!!
I do wonder what the heck those little suicidal critters are that run across the street back and fourth, back and fourth. Ground squirrels? Every single day I feel like I am in a video game dodging those Evil Knievel's who run for their lives across the street and eat their own dead friends who's lives were not spared by the terrible tires that own the road. They are some seriously disturbing carnivores! I mean, WHAT IS SO DAMN IMPORTANT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD???? IT'S DESERT ON BOTH SIDES!!!!! Geesh, those little freaks keep me up at night!!! Seriously!
K, moving on... I got a speeding ticket a few weeks ago... it was for going 52 in a 35... I swear I didn't do it... but the officer said I did. sigh. Then.... a couple weeks after the ticket my car broke down!!!... well, it didn't break down it just wouldn't turn off! My key would not turn to the off position, the car ran and drove fine! We took it to a shop and as it turns out my ignition is busted and it causes the computer to mess with all the gadgets on my dash! SO I'M FIGHTING MY TICKET!... and I am super nervous... I never get tickets so yes, it IS a big deal! :) And I just want to add that even though the officer was just doing his job he was a real jerk! Let's see... what else???... Oh yeah, one day I was on my way to the grocery store and decided to stop at the mailbox... when I was getting my mail I heard a horrible howl coming from under/around my car... after looking and looking it turned out that our freaking cat PUNKY was stuck under the hood of my car!!! I tell ya, that cat used up at least one of his lives in there! If he was in there for a long time he got lucky he didn't overheat... and he's lucky he wasn't by any fan blades!!! That whole incident was nerve wrecking and mentally exhausting! It sent me into a fibro flare up immediately!
I'm still having good days and bad. Still figuring all this shiz out... it's all good... I also turned 35... yay
So my blog friends, until next time- which is hopefully sooner than this time...TTYL, C

Took me long enough...geesh!

2011-05-27T07:39:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I blogged... I wanted to but life interrupted. I have been busy with the kids and appointments. When I'm finally home I am resting! School is out for the kids, it's summer time!!! I have the kids signed up for 4 weeks of swim lessons and a plethora of activities for my 9 year old, like a d-back field trip, sunsplash field trip, Friday movie trips and summer camp for a week! It should be a good summer!
Yesterday I went to my "school" (old work) to celebrate the end of the year and our principals retirement. It was nice to be part of the end of year tradition... It was sad too but mostly nice!
I have also been going to a chiropractor 3 days a week to work on some neck issues I have... I have known for several years that my neck is messed up... the way the doc describes it is it looks like I have "reverse whiplash"... my spine is pushed forward in my neck area. Now that I have more time on my hands I decided to work on this issue... it seems to be going well!
My IC responded well to the treatments I did a few weeks ago... BUT earlier this week I started feeling pressure and pain in my bladder so I went in for another treatment yesterday... my fingers are crossed that it helps and I only need to go get "tune-ups" every couple of months!
I am still planning on getting this etsy shop set up... it's on my mind 24/7! Trying to get good photos of my product is really bugging the heck out of me! Pretty soon!!! It's my goal to get it up and going ASAP!!!... sigh.
Have a nice 3 day weekend for Memorial Day!

National Fibromyalgia Awareness Day

2011-05-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

Today is National Fibromyalgia Day, read up! Educate yourself! You will learn some interesting things about the strange world of Fibro. As always, THANK YOU for your support! Much Love! -C
http://www.fmaware.org/PageServerded3.html?pagename=fibromyalgia

Brain Fog

2011-05-07T14:10:00.000-07:00

This was very interesting to me. I have several episodes of "brain fog" each day. Brain fog was one of my biggest problems when I worked. I read all the comments below the article and relate to them! I feel bad saying this but it's nice to know that there are others who know how it is.
http://chronicfatigue.about.com/b/2011/05/02/brain-fog-sleeping-brains-in-fibromyalgia-chronic-fatigue-syndrome.htm?nl=1

Thoughts

2011-05-03T07:16:00.000-07:00

I got up this morning and just thought to myself how relieved I am everyday. I looked at the clock and was so relieved that I didn't have to hurry up and get ready and get 2 kids ready and out the door. Just getting up and ready for work was such a huge stress in my life. I am SOOOO glad I don't have to worry about it anymore. Since I have taken my leave from work it's been such an emotional journey... But it really is the absolute best thing for MY well being. Getting used to putting ME first is a little difficult but it's been SOOOO worth it! Yesterday was a hard day for me with the fibro, and I had a couple bad days last week... I'm not saying everything is perfect, but things are MUCH better!
I am happy about the news about Bin Laden. When I heard the news I felt such a since of relief! My son was only 10 days old on 9/11/2001. :( This has been a long time coming! (Talk about stress... 1st time parent with a newborn baby and terrorist attacks, uggg!) So anyway, ya, relief!
My nerves have been a little rattled lately because I I heard that my blog is being discussed. I know I have had well over 2,000 views and I write this blog for ME and to hopefully meet others who are going through the same stuff as me OR to help others with fibro understand that they are not alone. This blog is not for people who think they know me to dissect it and find things to complain about. I don't mention where I live, where I worked or who I worked with. So don't look for things in my blog to make into an issue at my prior place of work. If you don't like what you read, then DON'T read my blog! If I go to a private blog setting then I won't be able to serve the purpose I have set out to serve, finding others like me! Thank you for understanding... this is MY personal life, don't affiliate me to any place of work... GOT IT? THANKS!
Those are my thoughts this morning, I am planning on a great minimal pain day! Hope you all have a great day too! And, thank you for your support!!! For most of you, I really appreciate your sincere support you have shown me, it means the world to me!! XOXO- C

Until I REALLY vent I don't think I'll ever get over it...

2011-04-25T15:31:00.000-07:00

So I went to my office on Friday to disassemble my life @ work from the last 8 years. I took my camera to take some photos to scrapbook and take down my things to put closure to it all. When I unlocked my office door and turned on the lights I suddenly felt like I was sucker punched in the gut, my breath was taken away and I instantly burst into uncontrollable sobs. SOMEONE, took it upon themselves to take down MY things, MY life and put it all into boxes. It was like someone was telling me to hurry up and get the freak out. Now the thought crossed my mind that someone did it with a good heart... but I SPECIFICALLY had a conversation with someone about this very thing. I said "I am technically an employee on FMLA leave until April 29th, so it would mean a lot to me if NO ONE removed my belongings. I will do it myself on the Friday holiday that no one works." I made it very clear that this was important to me... so WHY would she allow someone to do that??? It's not like my heart is broken enough? Now you gotta kick me when I'm down??? The whole thing is just so RUDE! I feel sooooo meaningless. Every time I try to work it out in my head I cry... I look at the boxes in my craft room that someone else packed up and cry, it wasn't their life to take down. I put my heart and soul into my job and that school and I just feel so hurt. This was going to be closure for me, it took me weeks to get used to the idea of packing it all up. I can't believe my life right now! There are many pro's and many con's... It's really hard getting used to my new life.

ShabTastic!

2011-04-21T11:01:00.000-07:00

Just gotta say... I love Shabby Blogs! It has the cutest things.. if you haven't noticed my makeover... {durrrr, how could you miss it}
Check out the awesomeness!
http://shabbyblogs.com/

Dreading...

2011-04-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

Well folks, tomorrow is the day I go to school to clear out my personal items from my office. I have been dreading this day. I chose tomorrow because it's a holiday and no one will be there. I have YEARS of things in there... I know it's going to be hard dismantling everything. My office is so cute. I painted it, I have my kids artwork hanging up, family photos all over, and then random stuff all over the place like CD's, flash drives, crafty junk, ohhhh and then there is all my files on the computer and photos of all sorts of school events. This is so heartbreaking and SAD!!!!! So-sooooooo sad! :( Totally dreading it.

7.5

2011-04-19T09:20:00.000-07:00

On a scale of 1-10, ten being the worst... I am 7.5. Today I am stiff all over and my arms have been in and out of numbness. I feel extra "air-headed", and I have muscle twitches in random places every couple of minutes... it's so distracting! Right now my butt muscle is twitchin... WEIRD!!! The last couple of days I have been extra stressed about medical bills, groceries, disability paperwork, leaving my job.... I really, really thought I would be the school secretary until I was 70 years old. I am sooooo bummed about it. I LOVE being a key part of the relationships with students, staff and the families. It kills me, my heart is aching. I am gonna miss being there SO BAD! I need to get over it, I know that. I know that it's the best thing for me and my family. I know every day when I am with my kids and feel happiness (not urgency and stress) being with them that this is the right thing. I am just SOOOOO emotional right now :(

TMI {Probably}

2011-04-13T07:25:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while since I posted. A lot has been going on and I experienced another flare up so I was "out" for a bit.
Like I said, a lot has been going on... psychically and emotionally. Emotionally, my doctor told me to refrain from work, PERIOD. So, I have been taking steps to take a years leave of absence. (A year because I am not ready to commit to forever) The process has been a lot of paperwork and meetings. Besides that being draining, the thought of leaving a job and people that I love is so sad! I get so upset with myself for not being able to "do it" that I stress myself out even more. Through the process I have been approved for a year of leave. It is such a relief and huge weight off my shoulders to know that it's all taken care of and I don't have to worry about work wondering when I might return and what's not getting done at the office. It's all bitter sweet. :(
Psychically, (here's where it gets to be TMI) I had an IUD removed and a new one put in. With the fibro, it made this procedure hurt so bad, I was down for a couple of days after with a lot of cramping. Along with the IUD, I was diagnosed with IC, Interstitial Cystitis. IC is a painful bladder syndrome which goes hand in hand with fibro. For years I have had pain but never the "time" to really look into it. It is painful in my low abdomen to sit from the pressure in my bladder and I have to pee a lot... 2-3 times at night. In the last 2 weeks I have done 2 of 4 procedures for the IC, (more TMI) basically they drain my bladder and fill it up with medication. That process also takes a lot out of me psychically and emotionally. The fibro makes the simple process more painful than for others.
Along with my fibromyalgia I have and have recently been diagnosed with other "partner" illnesses:
Fibromyalgia
Chronic Fatigue
Anxiety Disorder
Restless Leg Syndrome
TMJ (Joint disorder in the jaw)
PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder)
Sinisitus
IC (Interstitial Cystitis)
And... hopefully no more coming :)

Rehab

2011-03-25T14:10:00.000-07:00

I have so discovered that I am in the process of becoming a "Recovering Perfectionist". Who knew?
For those of you who knew me prior to age 23 you may be thinking "What is she talking about", yes, prior to age 23 I was a complete and total self acknowledging SLACKER. Prior to age 23 I would go where the wind took me, looking for every party and social event. The only energy I really put fourth was to conger up a good time. Yes, that was then. Around age 23 I unknowingly did a complete 360. I didn't dawn on me that I needed to be different, it just happened. I still had a good time but was not a slacker. It could be because I had recently eloped with someone I knew only a couple of months while we were drunk in Las Vegas, it could be because I was soon going to be a mother... I don't know, but it happened. In the past 12 or so years I have become the most efficient, routine, republican, scheduled person ever. I get reports done early and with a little "extra" added to make the process better or easier for the other person, when I instruct coworkers on how to do things I contemplate every question that could be asked and I make sure to address all the different peoples personalities in the instructing, when I have to do a certificate for someone I add a few blingy rhinestones just so that person receiving the certificate feels extra special (because they should), I take on extra things because I feel they are important and should be done "well" like adopting families at Christmas, and making sure their Christmas rocks!... At home I want the kids to eat dinner at a decent time each night, read stories and do homework. I kept the house tidy/clean and would wash, fold and put away 4-5 loads of laundry every weekend even when we had lots of extra curricular activities going on. Friends, peers and coworkers would call me Martha Stewart when I came up with crafty ideas. I was the problem solver, an excellent one. Multi-task was my middle name.
I have been cutting back. It's been hard. Sometimes I get a surge of energy and I really want to scrub floorboards or vacuum the curtains. BUT, I fight to let go. To just let go.
I don't have to be a perfectionist.
I just have to be happy for me.

Fibromyalgia

2011-03-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

F - Fatigue
I - Irritability
B - Brain Fog
R - Restless Leg Syndrome
O - Others Don't Understand
M - Muscle And Joint Pain
Y - You NEVER Feel Good
A - Anxiety
L - Loss Of Control
G - Grief And Worry
I - Immune Dysfunction
A -A LIFETIME FIGHTING!!!

Found this while reading up... fitting.

Hopelessly Hopeful

2011-03-23T14:37:00.000-07:00

I feel hopeless.
But I am hopeful that things will work out.
The past 6 years have been hard... My family and I have taken a lot of "hits". We have had a ton of great times too... don't get me wrong. I am very thankful. But it seems that with all the "hits" we've taken it's brought me to where I am now. 6 years ago I had a really tough pregnancy, I was loosing weight because I couldn't even hold down a drop of water. I ended up in and out of the hospital and then at home with nurses coming to my house every other day to change an IV site in my body. I had to have medication pumping into my leg every 7 minutes to keep down all the nausea. The medication was FedEx'd to me every couple of days on ice. This was a hard-core pregnancy. JC had to take care of everything, EVERYTHING. I was SOOO sick. Luckily, I had an easy labor and a beautiful healthy baby girl. After that I never felt back to normal. I would have good days and hard days, mostly fatigue and achy. I think that pregnancy took a lot of me. Then, in the last 3 years... I lost my Aunt. She killed herself. How can anyone really get over something as messed up as that, especially when you love them so much. Then, I watched my Grandma die, I saw her take her last breath. That moment was comforting because it was time, but the aftermath of it and going through all her belongings was mentally exhausting... but it was something I wanted to do. We also short sold a house, bought a house, JC was laid off for several months... we have dealt with A LOT. Working at the school there is always tragedy. In the last 8 years I have experienced several heart breaking incidents. Twins suffocating in a car, a child run over by a tractor, a child run over by a car, a child backed up-over by a car, a child who drowned, a disabled child who suffocated between the wall and her mattress... then all the other sad things you go through like custody battles and the woe's and storied you hear, children who are hurt or suffering but CPS feels differently... there is so much and with every episode it breaks me down a little more. It's been validated that with Fibromyalgia I am overly sensitive. Over sensitive is a symptom. I guess these are some of the things in the past few years that have brought me to where I am now. Splat, on a solid brick wall, that is not budging. I need talk therapy. I can't find a therapist in the area who wants to listen to me talk... they all want to interrupt me and fix things. There is nothing to fix from the past... I just want to talk about it. Today I feel ok. Today I feel like I'm making progress in my life with my new situation. Still keeping things on my terms, that helps! I am hopelessly hopeful.

Karma?

2011-03-20T14:52:00.000-07:00

I think to myself a lot... is this karma? I was such a rebellious teenager, then my Hollywood days were full of havoc. If my friends thought I was a wild child in high school then they had not seen nothing till my Hollywood years... I seriously partied like a rock star, with rock stars and Hollywood A-listers. When I lived in LA every year there were fires and mudslides in Malibu. I would watch the chaos and think to myself that Malibu must have a lot of bad karma living there in those giant mansions. Hollywood is flashy and bright and shiny, it sucks you in like quicksand and it won't let you out. I could write a book about all the good, bad and ugly experiences I had in the years I lived there.
Was I so bad? Am I in constant pain now because I was so rambunctious then? I feel like this is karma. I hurt every second of my life. Friends and family look at me and don't see a "sick" person, they don't understand that I hurt so bad. They think I look fine and normal so I am ok, or faking it. Do they think that because I hold a SAG card that I'm a good actress and faking that I'm sick???... little do they realize is that YES, I am such a good actress that I have hidden my pain for years, and even though I sit and talk to then like I'm a normal human being I am in constant pain. My arms throb and are numb all day and all night. I scream inside and smile on the outside. I am typing through the shooting pain to feel human, to feel like I'm connecting with others, to keep me from crawling under a rock and becoming a hermit. I don't want to give up, I will do what I gotta do.
I wonder, will my friends stop calling me?, Will people talk behind my back?, will my family leave me?, Is this all karma coming back to haunt me? I feel like this can't just happen to someone for no reason, this is HELL.

ZombieLand

2011-03-17T14:49:00.000-07:00

I am a complete and total ZOMBIE, I'm so tired and so out of it. I have so many appointments to make and loose ends to tie up but I am soooo out of it. Why???
I just spent several minutes staring blank at this laptop screen... signing off cause I have no idea what I'm doin or what I was gonna say.....
Happy St. Patty's day!

Ugggg

2011-03-08T19:21:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. I'm not even sure where I left off, but the doc has me on medical leave again. I went back to work and I ended up right back where I started, HURTIN BAD! It was great to see everyone at work again and nice to be back in my office with hopes of everything being good... but... my body's reaction by the end of the week back was not so happy. By the end of the week I was such a space case, I couldn't focus or keep track of things, I was zoning out at the computer screen not knowing what the heck was going on. The sound of the school bells made me cringe in nauseating pain. It took everything I had in me not to cry. Monday morning I got up and got ready for work but by the time I got the kids going and Quinn to daycare I was so wiped out I called in sick to work. Later that day I went in to the doctors... he gave me another diagnosis... PTSD and thinks that PTSD is causing my fibro to flare. He sent me to another counselor to confirm. The counselor confirmed PTSD and referred me to another place that does some sort of treatment using your eyes to get through the traumatic stuff, I guess. I still need to go to that appointment. When the doc suggested PTSD I was completely shocked! That came from left field... but hmmmmm, it does make sense now that I think about it. There was a situation last Fall where I felt as though I was responsible for the lives of some people being threatened, and after all was said and done my mind went through all the "what if's" and I still felt scared that something could still happen... Even now the sound of helicopters STILL put's me into an anxiety attack fast. I guess I didn't get the help I needed afterwords so now I need to do something about it. Ugggg. I feel like such a misfit. Like I said, I didn't realize it but I guess it makes sense now that I've had a week to think about it.
Saturday we had a garage sale. My boys did all the heavy stuff and I sat in a chair collecting quarters and whatnot. Then Sunday we took Quinn to "Build-a-Bear" and Red Robin with our garage sale earnings for her 5th Birthday. By the time Monday morning came I was practically crippled in pain and have been absolutely worthless since then. I cannot have a conversation without thinking about the words I want to say and even then I say the word wrong, like someone who's had a stroke. ... I was really hoping that things would be back to normal as soon as I went to work. Looks like things are not that simple.... this is me, STILL trying to figure it all out.

WOW, I couldn't say it better myself!

2011-02-25T20:16:00.000-07:00

Taken from About.com
http://chronicfatigue.about.com/od/whatisfibromyalgia/a/understandfibro.htm

Fibromyalgia In a Nutshell

A lot of illnesses involve one part of the body, or one system. Fibromyalgia, however, involves the entire body and throws all kinds of things out of whack. As bizarre and confusing as the varied symptoms may be, they're tied to very real physical causes.
Fibromyalgia can take someone who is educated, ambitious, hardworking and tireless, and rob them of their ability to work, clean house, exercise, think clearly and ever feel awake or healthy.

It's NOT psychological "burn out" or depression.
It's NOT laziness.
It's NOT whining or malingering.
It IS the result of widespread dysfunction in the body and the brain that's hard to understand, difficult to treat, and, so far, impossible to cure.

The hardest thing for patients, however, is having to live with it. Having the support and understanding of people in their lives can make it a lot easier.

This link says it all! omg!

2011-02-25T18:05:00.000-07:00

http://chronicfatigue.about.com/b/2011/02/21/debunking-myths-fibromyalgia-inability-to-deal-with-pain.htm?nl=1

One week later...

2011-02-25T17:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a week cause, well, I have been soooo beat. It's been hard and good and hard again. Yesterday was really bad, today really, really bad.
Yesterday, I was exhausted from getting ready for work and the kids ready for school. When I got to work all I could do was zone out and stare blankly at the computer screen. I tried to work and my right arm got shooting pains all the way down, randomly... then my back hurt worse than normal, my hands felt like they were going to explode. I got scared about what was happening so I went to the doc. The doc was nice and told me to take some advil to get through the day and vicodin to sleep at night. I didn't have the energy in me to tell him how bad it was, I was so agreeable. Geeeesh!, Stupid! As I was driving back towards work my arms were throbbing and the shooting pain kept coming. I started having anxiety about going back to work and hurting so bad. My anxiety got worse and worse so I went home, took a vicodin and went to sleep.
Today, I woke up with a pounding headache. Got ready for work, got the kids ready... the headache lasted all day but my goal was to get the conference schedules finalized and the conference letters printed for each student... got that done! The sound of the school bell made me want to throw up... I moved on to the next project and started zoning out... head throbbing and shooting pain down both arms. Plus the regular back ache and leg aches. I started feeling super anxious. I started feeling nauseous, hopeless, my body started getting muscle twitches. I couldn't keep track of what needed to get done, I couldn't concentrate. The sound of the office banter was making my ears ring and the kids on the playground sounded so overwhelming. I wanted to die!!!! Work is working against me. My heart hurts. I feel like my heart is missing beats. I just can't take this! I want to feel normal. I don't want to hurt. I want to work and adore those cute little kids on the playground. I want to be part of the office banter. Instead I turned out the lights in my office, sat on the floor under my desk and breathed. I stretched my tight muscles and tried to relax. I was so freaked out that the way I felt would never go away. The breathing and stretching helped just enough to get me to 2:00. My headache was so bad that I just couldn't imagine how I could get through the end of the day... the bell ringing and the kids dismissing... the parents in the office. Uggggggggg! So I left at 2:30.
I am so glad I did. I came home and rested in peace. Trent came home at 3ish and he picked up Quinn from daycare for me (across the street), then Trent made some microwave popcorn and the two of them went upstairs to watch cartoons. I feel so much better to be able to relax in my own home. My headache is lifting but my brain is still in work mode..."get things done". I wish my brain had a switch!
Well, there is my update. Sorry it's crummy. It seems as all I do is whine and complain. :( So, I'll sign off with a few positive things: I'm glad it's the weekend, I'm glad we don't have any baseball games and we can sleep in, I'm glad my family is home and we are all together, I love my home where I feel safe (even though it is a pig sty), and I am looking forward to cuddling up and watching a movie with my man.
Have a good weekend and wish me luck! XOXO :)