“You are.”

“Who’s the worst friend ever?”

“You are.”

“Who’s the one you will love forever?”

“You are.”

“Well, actu—”

“I mean, I’m blind and deaf, and I’m not famous!”

“Well, first of all, you have bubble soap in your eyes and you’ve stuffed cotton balls in your ea—”

“WHAT?”

“Why?”

“Because there’s a hot tub in there.”

“I hate hot tubs.”

“There’s an HDTV, too.”

“I have one already.”

“I’ll give you 1 million dollars.”

“I only accept Hong Kong currency.”

“Look, mouse, you like stomach acid?”

“Do I!”

“Then get in my belly.”

“Hmm, I see what you mean.”

“That’s a stupid joke.”

“I thought it was a hairy funny joke.”

Umm… no.

“Well, who did, then?”

You?

“No, Pookie, I did not pee on my pillow.”

Maybe you just don’t remember.

“POOKIE!”

Well, I had to go.

“Why didn’t you just go on your puppy pad?”

Because my feet get wet!

“Oh, and they don’t get wet when you pee on my pillow?”

No, ’cause I wiped my feet on your sheet. Hey, can I have a treat?

“How so?”

“I mean, when we were young we knew all the really important stuff. Share. Be nice to the other kids. Do the things you love. Screw the rest.”

“Not the last one so much.”

“Eh. Point is, why do we have to keep coming here, learning all the rest of this crap?”

“If I knew that, I wouldn’t have to go to high school.”

“Touché. Maybe, you know, the point of life is to regain what we knew back in the sandbox.”

“…Damien?”

“Yeah?”

“I think that’s the most profound thing you’ve ever said.”

“Thank you. It took me all morning to figure that all out.”

“How’d you even think of it?”

“There was a poster in the Character Ed room with a list of life lessons we learned in preschool.”

“Ah. That makes it slightly less impressive.”

“…I wasn’t supposed to tell you that part, was I?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Well, crap.”

“Shut up, I’m in character.”

“Would your character actually say that?”

“No, I don’t think he would.”

“But would he think that?”

“Okay, really, shut up, I need to stay in character.”

“Why is your character in character?”

“He isn’t.”

“Why is your character referring to himself in the third person?”

“Damn it, why are you being so critical?”

“I’m in character as your acting studio teacher.”

“My acting studio teacher wouldn’t be in character as himself.”

“Touché.”

“He also doesn’t speak French.”

“Why are you drinking a Red Bull?”

“I started to feel tired.”

“But you’re on the last problem. Why didn’t you just finish up the problem and go to sleep?”

“I can’t work when I’m tired. I only got three hours of sleep last night.”

“I thought you went to bed at 2.”

“Well, yeah, but I didn’t actually fall asleep until like 4 or 5.”

“Yikes, does that happen a lot?”

“Well, usually only after working on problem sets like these.”

“Let me guess, you drank a lot of Red Bull last night too.”

“Only because I was so tired and needed to get them done.”

“So it took you a while to fall asleep the night before, huh?”

“How’d you know that?”

“I’m just detecting a pattern.”

“Yep.”

“I hate that.”

“Me too.”

“Wong Kar-wai.”

“No reason, just wondered…”

“Only money.”

“What was that first one again?”

“Click the desktop?”

“How do I do that?”

“What do you mean exactly?”

“How do I ‘click the desktop’?”

“Move your cursor over your desktop and click.”

“I don’t think this computer has a cursor, it’s a Mac.”

“All Macs have cursors. Are you using a trackpad or a mouse?”

“The exterminators say we don’t have any mice.”

“Is it a laptop or a desktop.”

“It’s on my desk.”

“Do you take it home with you or leave it on your desk?”

“I only take it home on weekends. Should I take it home everyday?”

“No, that’s fine. I just need you to press the Command key and the K key on your keyboard.”

“I don’t think this computer has a keyboard.”

“I’m going to have you schedule a house call.”

“Just put on some socks. That’ll keep you warm.”

“I already have socks on. Two pairs of socks.”

“Try a coat, then.”

“I’m wearing a thick shirt, a sweater, long pants, gloves, two pairs of socks and a bathrobe. I’m still cold. Why won’t you just turn on the heat?!”

“Just seems like a waste.”

“A waste? This is the exact reason heaters exist. To make life comfortable. Stop being so stingy!”

“It’s how I make my living, and it’s not like I have anything better to do. And you’re one to talk, telling me that via a computer.”

“You should try being covered in hair sometime.”

“That’s just your ’pinion…”

“Why?”

“I hear every little noise and think it’s someone outside and have to go look to make sure it’s not. It gets to where I start imagining noises.”

“What, are you afraid the boogeyman will get you?”

“No, I’m afraid the drug smugglers and thieves that walk past my house at night will get me.”

“Oh. Yeah. I guess that’s fair.”

“So much for ‘do no evil’, huh?”

“That’s going to be a… trainwreck.”

“Then I guess we’re going to need a bigger boat.”

“You bought the gravy just to set up that joke, didn’t you?”

“Best $40 I ever spent.”

“Don’t you dare say ‘box of chocolates’!”

“What? Why not?”

“Because it’s a trite, clichéd phrase that doesn’t require any thought or originality on your part, and which you think makes you sound clever, but it really doesn’t.”

“People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”

“There! You did it again! And it didn’t even make sense! You’re the one using clichés, not me.”

“You criticized me for using clichés, which is so cliché.”

“But you have the domain and hosting and everything. You can’t just not post anything.”

“But I really have nothing.”

“I know! You can submit real conversations and pretend they’re fictional.”

“I don’t think about that—it sounds unethical.”

“Maybe just slightly change it to make it more interesting.”

“I guess I could give it a shot.”

“Oh, sorry, go ahead.”

“No, no, it’s okay. I’m the pilot, you can’t leave without me anyway.”

“So go for a swim.”

“Here? Now?”

“Why not? There’s no one around.”

“Well, for starters, I didn’t bring my swimsuit. Also, this is a toxic waste dump…”

“Yeah, I’ve been going through my collection to organize them.”

“Why don’t you just get a bookshelf?”

“I have bookshelves, they’re just off them for the moment while I reorganize them. Then they’ll go back on the shelves.”

“It looks messy like this, you should put them back now.”

“But I’m organizing them.”

“I don’t care. I wouldn’t shop here if I saw it looking like this.”

“Shop here? This isn’t a bookstore, it’s my house. Who are you, anyway, and what are you doing in here?”

“That’s not for sale.”

“What about the duck head?”

“Not for sale.”

“This telescope?”

“Nope.”

“Don’t you have anything for sale? Isn’t this an antique store?”

“No, it’s a museum.”

“Thanks! It’d go well with the one I got last year for my cunning linguistic skills.”

“What?”

“…exactly.”