Fiendish Confessions

An Ending With A New Beginning

2012-01-26T20:44:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks passed after M was unlocked. We didn't talk much, and when we did, it was mostly so she could tell me about all the new tricks she had E doing. In that entire time, she never mentioned being locked up again. I suppose her four days in chastity were enough to remind her what it was like.

I talked to E more frequently, but still not as often as we had in the past. Our conversations were usually focused on one subject: when he would be released. I didn't have much to tell him. All of the things I had enjoyed were unavailable because of the relationship, and I didn't want to interfere with their play.

Letting him out wasn't an option either, he had given her freedom as a gift, so I needed him to pay for it to make it special. Besides, stopping play is the worst thing a dominant can do to a sub. All I could do was wait, hoping an opportunity would appear.

M came online to talk to me on Christmas day. She had received an engagement ring from E, and accepted it. I knew that things were going well between them, but I had no idea they had progressed so far.

It also happened to be a convenient opportunity to release E. They had decided to form a household together, and it was important that they do that on their own. I gave them both my congratulations, and E the combination to his safe.

They were married a couple weeks later, and are now living together. We still talk occasionally, but they are doing their own thing, and I am truly happy for both of them.

The End.

Exchanging Freedoms

2012-01-21T21:20:00.000-08:00

I didn't do much with E or M once I had both of them locked up. The possibility was there, but I was busy with work, and they were busy building their relationship. It is probably better that I wasn't meddling anyway.

We did keep in contact however. M regularly reminded me that she was locked up, but I didn't seem to have much leverage beyond that. She didn't show a need for release, and she wasn't moved to do anything else I suggested. She was being strong, so waiting was my best option.

On the other hand, patience wouldn't work with E. He often begged me to be let him out, and to let him have sex with his new girlfriend. The sexual service from before wasn't an option any more, so I switched him to earning release by hitting specific weight goals as part of his existing physical training. He didn't like it, but he could stand it, and his desire to get out made him work at it harder.

After another week of this, two weeks total since he had relocked, he hit his weight target. True to my word, I gave him his combination. He was ecstatic at first, but he was soon asking if M would also be set free as well. I wanted to keep her locked longer, so the answer was predictably no.

Without any coercing, and without even much complaining, he offered to keep himself locked if she was set free. What a marvellous gesture, swallowing his own desperate desire to make his new girlfriend happy. He knew full well that he would be forced to satisfy her himself, which would only make him more desperate to get out.

I made it clear that my goals for her were much longer than my goals for him, so that if he traded places, that's what he'd be dealing with. It didn't take him long to decide. He reset his combination, and M went free.

To be continued. . .

Two Love Birds With One Stone

2012-01-17T19:20:00.000-08:00

There were parts in our conversation that made me a bit suspicious that M knew more than she was letting on. When E told me that she had a chastity belt in her closet, it all started to come together.

Though it took some pushing, she eventually explained that she had once been a slave to a dominant woman. Things didn't work out in the end, so they went their separate ways, but she kept her chastity belt. She had been exposed to kink, so the things we talked about didn't surprise her, but she had never been in a dominant role before.

She took to playing with E like a natural, but there must have been some urge to submit in there. Perhaps she missed it, or wanted a fresh reminder to help compare it to her new role. Either way, I found buttons I could push, so I pushed.

I wanted E to continue seeing M in a dominant role, so I waited until the week was over before having her lock herself up. What I didn't realize was that they only lived an hour apart by car, and that they were planning to continue spending time together.

It wasn't my plan, but having both halves of a couple under my control was a very interesting opportunity. E, on the other hand, was not quite as enthusiastic.

To be continued. . .

Dominant Wrestling

2012-01-11T22:24:00.000-08:00

There is a playful kind of teasing that sometimes occurs between dominants: casually giving instructions, half-heartedly agreeing, a healthy dose of flirting, and an abundance of wise remarks littered throughout. It's like having a friendly argument, not because you disagree, but because you want to see each other's moves.

M and I spent the better part of that first evening haggling this way while talking about E and the tricks he might do for points. We talked about a number of kinks and how to practice them safely. At one point I convinced her to try squeezing his balls. The better part of our conversation, and certainly the most enjoyable part, was our dominant wrestling match.

I think she was serious when she asked if she could lock me up, but it was easy for me to stand my ground. I playfully considered her offers, but I'm just not wired that way. She, on the other hand, was slowly showing signs of weakness. She still had E kneeling between her legs, but I could sense another urge, a reluctance to drop the subject.

Over the next couple days, E cancelled his hotel room and started staying with M. She played with him in all the spare moments they had together, sometimes coming online to chat with me in between. She was having a lot of fun being dominant with him, but somehow we always ended up talking about dominating each other, which always lead to chatting about me dominating her.

On the third day, I finally convinced her that she needed to earn more points to keep control of him. I had her take off her clothing while E cuffed her hands behind her back. She got down on her knees in front of him and started using her tongue wherever he wanted. It was almost exactly the opposite of the first time she played with him, except that he was still in a chastity device.

I talked with him while she was on her knees. At first he was having a blast, happy to have some control over her, but before long he was begging to be let out of chastity. Realizing his keys were in a different city, he quickly switched to begging for her to stop. I had somehow created a situation where they were both submissive, both sexually frustrated, and both being used as sexual objects. I'm not sure if I'll ever do better online.

E had to leave after half an hour, so I allowed them to stop. That was when he told me that he had found a female chastity belt in M's closet.

To be continued. . .

A Third Enters

2012-01-02T15:16:00.000-08:00

When E told me that the woman he had brought to his room wanted to speak to me, I had to think fast. I hate being dishonest, so I didn't want to launch into some elaborate lie, but I had a responsibility to keep some of what we were doing a secret.

Her first questions were obvious: who was I, and why was I talking to E. I told her that he was a friend that had lost a bet, and that he had to please a woman without getting anything in return. Though untrue, it captured the spirit of our arrangement, and saved me from explaining personal details about E.

Many women would have packed up and left at this point, but she asked more questions, her excitement becoming increasingly apparent. She asked about the chastity device, and if she could see it. That made her even more excited.

As we continued to talk, I realized the kind of opportunity she presented. A chance to give E real exposure to in-person domination. He would need to be responsible for his own safety, to negotiate with her about limits, but that would be the same with any dominant. If I gave her a set number of points, he could take or leave any offer she made.

I gave a rough explanation of the point system to M, and gave her 5 points to assign for anything she wanted. I couldn't promise that he would do anything, but for 5 points, the same as he would earn from pleasing five women, he would probably do quite a bit.

He had some toys packed in his bag, so she put him in a collar and cuffed his hands behind his back. Then she had him get down on his knees in front of her. He gently satisfied her with his mouth for three whole hours while she talked to me on his laptop.

We spent the entire time talking about things she could do to him while her excitement steadily grew. She was enjoying the power, trying to figure out how far she could push him. We agreed that she could play with him for his entire trip, but that wasn't enough for her any more. She wanted his keys for herself.

Then M asked me if she could lock me up as well.

To be continued. . .

Starting Again

2011-12-27T21:38:00.000-08:00

I was surprised that E asked me to lock him again considering the rocky start. He had spent an entire week without orgasms, with ample sources of frustration, which would be a pretty good week for most submissives, but I had the impressions from our conversations that he wasn't enjoying it.

It's normal to have strong emotional reactions just after this kind of orgasm, so I like to wait a few days for things to cool down after the first time, but E was insistent. We talked it over for a while, but he was going on a trip later that day, so I finally agreed.

Because he was eager, I was able to change the arrangement in my favour. He agreed easily, even encouraging me to be harder on him. I took away the known target for release, picked up the ability to dock points for bad behaviour, and even made him ask permission before earning points. Once it was settled, he locked himself up and gave me the new combination.

A couple of days later he popped online. We'd already talked since I'd relocked him, but this time was different. He had a woman he'd met with him, and needed permission to earn a point. He wanted to get it over with as fast as possible, so my instinct was to drag it out. I asked him some silly questions, delayed an occasional answer, but I did give him permission.

Not long after sending him on his way, E came back to tell me that his new friend wanted to know what he was doing on the computer. He was frantic, unsure what to do. I made it clear that it was his own issue to solve.

Whatever it was he told her wasn't enough, because she insisted on talking to me.

To be continued. . .

Time Flies

2011-12-21T22:17:00.000-08:00

Much to my surprise, E was an accomplished womanizer. The goals I had set out for him were not nearly as difficult as I had hoped. I wanted him to try once or twice, get frustrated, then come back so we could negotiate other fun tasks. Instead, he felt like he had tricked me into letting him off easy.

The polite attention a submissive will give when their orgasms are controlled is a big part of why I enjoy arrangements like these, but E didn't feel the need. This is why I don't like giving clear time lines or criteria for release. Because he had specific tasks to achieve, he was focused on the clock instead of me. Because I had given my word, there was nothing else I could do but wait for him to finish.

Don't be mistaken: it was easier than I wanted, but it wasn't easy. He was allowing himself to be exploited sexually, serving the kind of women he used to exploit himself. He got more worked up every time he got down on his knees, and more desperate to be let out.

I got to have my fun too. He would come to me every day to tell me what he had done, his frustration clearly building as time progressed. He would occasionally ask me to be let out early as well, but I would just laugh him off. Without this kind of feedback, it wouldn't have been any fun for me.

After serving five women, one every day since our new arrangement, he had met his obligations. It had been only one week since he was locked, which was sooner than I wanted to release him, but it was what I had agreed to. I gave him his combination, and wished him well.

He relieved himself immediately, and then as soon as he had finished, he asked me to lock him up again.

To be continued. . .

One Step Back, Two Steps Forward

2011-12-15T23:48:00.000-08:00

It had only been a few days, but E was already desperate to be let out. This was his first real experience having someone else in control of his orgasms, and I think it was affecting him more than he expected. This is a common experience for first timers.

Now that he wanted something from me, I had a way to manipulate him. This is the position I enjoy being in. I don't have to be careful or subtle, just patient. I can push a few buttons, sit back, and enjoy the show.

Sometimes I like to start small and work up, other times I like to start big and work down. This time I started big. I tried to force him to try anal play for the first time. Instead of pushing his limits, or even a delightful pleading not to, he tried to play along, and it ended badly. He felt cheated and unhappy, and I felt frustrated.

I normally have pretty good communication with the people I play with, but not with E. I would have pulled back sooner had I known how much it bothered him. Instead, I got stuck in a difficult spot for any dominant; backing down without looking like I'm giving in. Giving up was an option too, but it's a bad one; the most disappointing experience a sub can have is being dropped after they have been worked up.

Instead of backing down, I gave him another option, throwing it off casually as though he might not think it worthwhile. I allowed him to provide services to women of his choosing. This gave him a way to serve sexually, and amplifying his frustration while reminding him he was locked. Basically all the reasons I wanted to try anal play.

Unfortunately, I had to give him a set number to work toward to regain his trust. It's not an ideal dynamic, but it was better than giving up.

So I sent him out into the world with his new challenge, having no idea how hard it would be for him. I could only wait and see what happened.

To be continued. . .

P.S. I don't understand why some guys are so afraid of anal play. It's not like there is a magic button in there that'll turn you gay. We guys are already at a disadvantage for erogenous zones, we shouldn't be ignoring any of the ones we have.

An Unexpected Offer

2011-12-06T23:55:00.001-08:00

I got a message from a stranger after a recent visit to a chastity site I'd been neglecting. It was a short message from a guy that wanted me to keep him locked. I get random offers like this from time to time, and I normally dismiss them, but something was different this time.

If I had been any more busy, or thought that a conversation would last longer than 5 minutes, it would have stopped there. He got me at exactly the right moment: just as I was about to do chores, anxious for any excuse to wait.

Not expecting things to go far, I started early with blunt questions. Why was a straight guy talking to me? Because all the women he found wanted money. Why was he talking to someone across the country? Because he was straight and didn't want it to go anywhere. He is a few years younger than me, but not the kind of person I would spend time with.

He had all the necessary equipment for online play: a chastity device, a good lock, and a safe with a changeable combination. He had been itching for a chance to give up control, enough that he would try a long shot.

At this point there was no certainty that any of it was real. He didn't have a webcam, so I had no way to verify anything he said, but it was easy for me to play along. I had only to write down a number, and if he was lying, I would never see him again.

We talked it over some more. I warned him that I would use the power against him, but he insisted anyway. E put on the device, locked his keys in the safe with a new combination, and reset our chat history. I left with no expectation that I would ever see him again.

A couple days later, not only was he was back, but he was already quite anxious to be released. He asked to be let out, but I explained patiently that this time he would have to earn it.

To be continued. . .

One Year and All is Well

2011-11-11T13:00:00.000-08:00

It's been exactly one year today since I started this blog, and so far I am thrilled with the results.

A lot has happened in the last year. We had a great run with C, got to try lots of new things and made a really good first effort at training a houseboy. I made some new friends, though I also lost some. On the whole, in both kink and my personal life, things have improved.

Speaking purely in terms of statistics, this blog has been successful. I'm currently getting around 300 page views a month, which is way better than my professional blog. Over 80% of the visitors to this site come from links in my profiles and posts on various forums, 8% come from searches, and about 5% comes from users subscribed to the rss feed. Of my 15 posts, the one with the most clicks was Guilt. I've got a long way to go before I'll be the biggest site on the Internet, but it's not bad for my first year.

The most rewarding aspect of blogging has been the comments I've received. I put an awful lot of work into each post, so it really helps knowing that the effort is appreciated. I spend an average of six hours on each post. My last post, for example, was edited six times over more than a week. I will admit that I am a perfectionist, but I also want to make sure I'm not wasting the time of the people who do stop in to read what I have to say.

I've enjoyed writing about these subjects that I care about, and have no plans to stop. Let's see if I can beat my records this year.

Exploring Sexual Contact

2011-11-03T19:42:00.000-07:00

After several months without having anyone over, C recently paid us a visit.

We skipped the normal chores, and spent the better part of a day playing. He was kept naked, was usually bound, and was occasionally gagged, blindfolded, or plugged. I tormented his nipples, and rubbed his penis alternating between the nice way, and the not so nice way. I even used the ball vice and the cane at the same time.

Though all of that was fun, the real highlight of the visit was a first for me.

I have always kept submissives at arms length sexually. I play with them, but never allow them to do anything for me. A sub would always be naked, and I would always be clothed. I would touch, rub, squeeze, or pinch anywhere I want to, but never allow a sub more than kissing my hands or feet. Though I get extremely aroused while playing with a sub, I never wanted more.

During his last couple visits, before the hiatus, I started thinking about crossing that barrier. It's not that I had never been with the right people, but more than I had never spent so long playing with the same person before. As I started to feel more comfortable around him, the idea of letting him take care of more than just the chores became easier. When we recently started talking again, and he confessed a desire to try giving oral, I couldn't resist.

I started by getting him used to having his head between my legs. About an hour into the visit, while he was laying on his back with his arms pinned, I slid my pants off quietly. He was gagged and blindfolded, so he couldn't tell what I was doing. I squatted down over him, pressing my balls and cock up against his face and holding it there.

"Do you know what that is?" I asked. He certainly did.

It was exciting, thrilling in a way I had never felt. He was unable to resist, but he didn't try to. I was asserting my control over him, physically and symbolically, and it stirred up deep, primal feelings of power. He was forced to smell my scent, and something about that really pushed my buttons.

Later, I decided to continue along the same lines. I sat down on the couch with a book while he knelt on some cushions in front of me. I clipped a leash to his neck, tucked it under my leg, and pulled it in so that his face was pressed against my balls. It would have been an unusual sight, but it felt nice. Not only was I filled with a deep feeling of power, but I had a warm body keeping me cozy.

I tested him periodically to measure his obedience. At some point he started licking my balls as a way to show respect. Then after I got up for something, he put his face back between my legs without the leash. By the time I had finished reading, after about an hour and a half, he would quickly return to that position without any instructions at all.

I don't think it was enjoyable for him. I know that his knees were sore from kneeling so long, but more than that, it would be boring, and there was no direct stimulation. He didn't complain however, even when asked. It should have made him feel submissive; he is the kind of person that enjoys being pushed, and feeling powerless. Either way, I knew that he was ready for more.

After a bit of a pause, I simply looked at him, looked down at my crotch, then looked up to him again and smiled. He turned bright red, and my wife grinned from ear to ear. I said, "you know what I want."

Without any other encouragement, he came forward, lowered his head, and started licking my shaft. Then he put his lips around the tip and started moving up and down. He kept at it for a good fifteen minutes before I finally allowed him to stop.

Though I didn't have an orgasm, I enjoyed the experience. Pushing him in that way and testing his willingness to serve was a lot of fun. Now that I've opened the doorway, it's something I want to explore further. Only time will tell how far it will go.

The Importance of Friendship

2011-09-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

I lost a dear friend last night over what was ultimately a stupid argument. We both said things that I wish we hadn't, but it's done now, and there isn't much chance of things going back to the way they were.

Though I'm upset about it, the experience has made me realize the value of friendships in this lifestyle. It is important to have close friends like him, as well as a feeling of belonging with a broader community.

It would be easy to think ourselves crazy for the desires we have. In fact, I did when I was young. Finding others who shared my desires was a big part of accepting who I am. I'm lucky to belong to a couple of online groups full of friendly people to socialize with.

We also need something more intimate; close friends we can open up to. Sometimes you need a second opinion about some crazy idea, or a strange desire. Even just talking about what you're doing can be extremely valuable. I didn't realize how important this was to me before I met my friend, and now that we won't be speaking again I'm not sure how I'll replace him.

It's amazing to think how much I learned with him, of all the things he helped me to figure out. More than once he pushed me to do something I was avoiding. I wouldn't have started this blog if it weren't for his encouragement. He even helped me to pick the name.

In spite of all the things that have driven us apart, I will always be thankful to have known him for as long as I did.

Goodbye, my friend. Thank you for everything.

Inferiority Complex

2011-09-09T10:40:00.000-07:00

When spending time online in chat rooms and forums you get to meet people with varying attitudes and opinions. I get along with most, and am usually not bothered by beliefs even radically different to my own, but there are some exceptions. For example: this notion that submissives are somehow inferior or unworthy of basic rights, and dominants are magically smarter, wiser, better, and entitled to anything we want.

First of all, it's not sincere. I like humility in a submissive, but if they honestly believe they are worthless then they should be getting professional help. As I've mentioned before, I prefer submissives that are confident and strong. Constant self-deprecation becomes tiresome quickly.

Being told that I am superior is also a nuisance. I work hard to be a good Dom. I work hard to be good in my career, to be good to my wife, and to be a better person generally. I'm proud of who I am, but I'm a long way from being a superior being. I like to be appreciated, but appreciation given without getting to know me has no value, and is even rude in a sarcastic sort of way. Being told I am superior because of my gender or race is even worse. I want to be appreciated for who I am, not what I am.

If anything, I believe that submissives are better people than dominants. These are people who are hard wired to put others needs ahead of their own. They are willing to work harder and longer, willing to be pushed beyond limits that would be reasonable for most, all while showing extreme humility. As a dominant, I exploit others for my own selfish amusement. I have no regrets about who and what I am, but thinking about it objectively, if the world were populated by only one kind of person, submissives would be the best possible choice.

It also bugs me when someone offers to do anything I want, and especially when they know nothing about me. I like it when a submissive is courteous and polite, and perhaps a little more so with dominants, but there is a hidden line that shouldn't be crossed so easily. If it's too easy, it doesn't seem serious. Those who offer easily tend to disappear easily too.

There are lots of dominants who demand instant respect and constantly flattery. If that makes them happy then I wouldn't suggest they do any different. I just don't want submissives to be ridiculous about it with me. It's like the difference between cats and dogs. A dog will show loyalty to anyone that feeds it, a cat takes effort and patience, but is that much more rewarding when affection is given. I am a cat person. I would rather earn the respect I am given.

If you're a submissive and you find yourself chatting with me some day, I would be delighted if you were simply polite and sincere. Talk to me like an equal, say what you're thinking, tell me if you disagree with something I say. If, and only if you decide you'd like to, ask if you can do more to make me happy.

Making Your Partner Dominant

2011-08-06T23:15:00.000-07:00

CatInACage posted this question on a forum I sometimes visit:

I've been in a relationship with my partner for just over 2 and a half years now. I've been pretty well into the kink of life, but he's rather vanilla about sex. Unfortunately, we don't actually have it very often. In fact, out of the 2 and a half years we've been together, we once went a whole year plus without sex; the rest of the time, it's been an average of bi-monthly to quarterly. He's just not a very sexually-oriented individual, and that's fine.

But the problem is that I'm 10 years his junior and CONSTANTLY horny. I joke about sex frequently with him. I try not to make a big deal of it. But the reality is, I miss that intimacy. The funny thing is, I also miss chastity as well. I had a CB3000 that my then-Master bought me for my birthday about 3 years ago (before I met my partner), and I absolutely adored it. But then the stabiliser pins broke and I had to discard it, which really disappointed me.

I really think that exploring chastity with my partner could help strengthen our sex life, but I don't know how to ask him. Any advice on the matter would be hugely appreciated.

Thank you, in advance, for any help you can offer.

This was my answer:

This is a question I've heard asked again and again and again. I haven't tried to convince someone to be my keyholder before, but I have been in relationships with vanilla partners, and I think the principles are the same.

The sad and difficult reality is that most people don't have it in their nature to be dominant. More people are submissive, but even that isn't something that can be forced. You can fall in love with someone that isn't kinky, but unless they have it in them, you won't be able to make them kinky.

I have seen people pretend to be dominant because they love their submissive partner. Usually the submissive ends up giving instructions. The "Dom" becomes an actor, uncertain and uncomfortable. It is frustrating, it creates guilt and stress. It's not fun, or satisfying at all in the way that kink can be.

Sometimes, as is the case with thumper, the partner may actually have a dominant nature, and once they become comfortable they start to enjoy it. This seems to be rare. Being a good dominant is something one needs to learn and practise, but I don't think it's something that anyone can learn. It's really hard to be cruel to someone you care about.

You can try it, and hope for the best. Maybe you'll get lucky, and discover that he is one of the rare few that enjoys it. But be aware that trying could damage your relationship beyond repair.

If you don't want to risk it, or if you give it a shot and it doesn't work, you might be able to ignore your desires and try for a vanilla life. There are lots of people out there who have done this successfully.

Or maybe you're like me; the kind of person that needs kink in your life to be happy. If you are, and your partner can't provide that, then you may not be able to find happiness without moving on.

Kink as Meditation

2011-07-23T19:05:00.000-07:00

I have always been fascinated by the mental effects of kinky play. It seems paradoxical that after a scene involving inescapable physical and mental discomfort, and even when not ending in an orgasm, a sub can feel a tremendous sense of relief. How can tying a guy down and squeezing his balls while he begs you to stop help him unwind from a stressful week? I have a theory.

Meditation is often perceived as sitting cross-legged, burning incense, and drinking tea, but that is just one of many techniques. Some people repeat words over and over, some repeat actions, others concentrate completely on their breathing. Sufi Dervishes spin in circles. Native Americans go on long walks until physically and mentally exhausted. Ancient Celts would balance large rocks on their chests, forced to keep their stomachs tight to prevent being crushed.

Each technique has it's own quirks and explanations, but the part that makes it meditation is that it does one simple (but not easy) thing: temporarily stopping the voice in your head.

While bound, gagged, blindfolded, nipple clamps biting down, and a Dom/me beating a steady rhythm with a cane, it would be hard for the best of us to concentrate. Throw in the flood of hormones that accompany intense sexual arousal, and it's easy to see how kink can alter your mental state.

When a sub surrenders to their predicament, letting go of themselves and just experiencing what is happening, they are meditating. This is, I believe, the reason why kink can have such a profoundly positive effect. Not all scenes are meditation; succeeding takes a complex mix of trust, distraction, and focus that is different for every person, but even if you don't get the full effect, you can still feel a lot better simply getting close.

Unfortunately, us dominants don't get the same benefits from play time. We might have a blast getting our rocks off, but for that feeling of deep inner peace our best bet is still the dollar-store incense.

Because of the way play time affects the mind, it's important to give a sub time to cool down afterwards. This is especially true when playing with someone new to BDSM. For any new sub, I insist on at least an hour after a scene, and I'm prepared to keep them longer or drive them home if they aren't ready.

Although rare, sometimes playing brings out memories or feelings that are not so fun to deal with. It will probably ruin a good afternoon, but the experience can still be cathartic if handled carefully. A dominant should constantly monitor the psychological state of a sub and be ready to stop or change gears when needed.

Next time you find yourself helpless and at the mercy of a Dom/me you trust, try relaxing your mind and see how far you can go. It may be the best session you've had in a while.

Capital Letters and Honorifics

2011-05-21T15:46:00.000-07:00

I spend a fair bit of time chatting online in kinky forums. It's a good way to meet people and learn about the lifestyle. It's not so good for finding people to play with, but that's another post.

Most kinky forums share a common etiquette for naming:

Dominants use upper case letters (ex: TheDom)
submissives use lower case letters (ex: thesub)
square brackets and curly braces indicate collaring (ex: thesub{TD})

I see this used pretty much everywhere: chat rooms, dating sites, news groups. It's logical and easy to understand, so it works great. Switches can have trouble, but they find a way to deal with it.

Submissives will talk in a number of ways depending on their personality and training. One common habit is to use the rules above for any word referring to a person. I am commonly asked, "How are You doing today Sir?" or "May i be of service to You Sir?" In a room full of people you will see sentences like: "How is E/everyone doing today?" I personally dislike this style; I'd rather see ones respectful nature reflected in thoughts and actions than an occasional click of the shift key.

Some submissives will also avoid referring to themselves directly. It tends to go with the more extreme forms of degradation play. "May this one be of service to You Sir?" or sometimes "this slave" or even "this worthless slut." I am not a fan.

Dominants have their own way they like to be addressed by a sub. Male Doms tend to use Sir, or SIR. Female Dommes have many choices: Mistress, Ma'am, Miss, Goddess, or even My Lady are seen. Considering the connotations and traditional meanings, I would be hard pressed to pick one. To make it more complicated, some dominants reserve certain titles for those they have relationships with.

If anything, too much respect is more annoying than not enough. If someone calls me Master, especially if it's the first time they talk to me, it comes across as insincere, almost as though they are mocking me. Usually it means they are horny and inexperienced, but it's still unpleasant. Excessive use of Sir or any use of SIR is similar but less pronounced.

The only thing that seems to work for all Dom/mes is to ask. "How would you like to be addressed?"

If you were to ask me, I would answer: "Talk to me like we're friends. I see Sir (big S, little ir) as a sign of respect, but I don't demand it. Throw it in when you feel it's deserved."

Obedience Training vs Humiliation and Degradation

2011-03-22T22:52:00.000-07:00

I define obedience training as convincing someone to do things, or accept things being done to them. The things that are done, and the way the person is convinced can vary widely. It doesn't have to be sexual, difficult, or even noticeable to other people, but the more difficult it is to obey the more enjoyable it is for the dominant.

Obedience training is an umbrella than spans many specific types of play like orgasm control and pet play, and it mixes with other kinks to give us several more. Despite the popularity of it's sub-types, obedience training gets little attention of it's own. There isn't even a commonly accepted term for it.

A close relative that does get attention is humiliation and degradation. I use them together because they are almost the same thing, but I suppose they are technically different. Humiliation is getting someone to do something embarrassing, like wearing slutty clothes in public. Degradation is making someone feel worthless, like calling a person names.

Obedience and humiliation / degradation get confused sometimes, and I can see why; they both involve making a person do something they wouldn't do otherwise, but there are vast differences that stand out when you dig deeper.

A sub dresses like a slut because they are a slut, they are called names because that's what they deserve. Humiliation and degradation diminish a person from the outside (though the deeper effects can be different). Another interesting quality is that it almost always causes immediate sexual excitement for those who enjoy it.

Obedience play is rarely immediately gratifying, but it does scratch a deep itch that is hard to reach otherwise. It can be presented in a degrading way, but it doesn't have to be. It's more cerebral than humiliation, and can have interesting effects. For example, having a submissive behave like a pet is humiliating at first, but when they embrace it, it can become a deeply rewarding and even nourishing experience.

I don't generally like humiliation and degradation because of it's negativity. I hate it when someone tells me they are worthless, or they deserve to be treated a certain way. What's the fun in conquering a spineless worm? I would much rather have a strong and proud person choose to kneel for me, and feel genuinely happy when I praise them for their hard work and devotion.

Tim's Choice

2011-02-10T00:48:00.000-08:00

I met Tim in a chastity chat room about a year ago. He's a bit younger than me, and goes to school in California. He had little exposure to chastity beyond some cuckold* fantasies, and basically no exposure to BDSM. Even though he's straight, he took an immediate interest in me. I told him early on that we weren't a good fit for each other, but he never stopped flirting with me, and to be honest, I enjoyed shooting him down time and time again. In spite of this, we talked frequently over the following months while he struggled to understand the urges he was feeling.

A few months later he came to me extremely worked up. He had denied himself for four days as an experiment. I wasn't intending to play with him, but there was just something about his mood, and the way he started talking. . . I started by having him bring himself to the edge of orgasm and stop. Even though we were using a primitive text-based chat system, I could sense his desperation, and it drove me to press on.

He barely even resisted when I asked him to wait a day before masturbating, so I pushed harder. I told him he could choose to ask for permission, or just enjoy an orgasm. On a whim, I added one more thing. "Would you like to know what I will say if you ask me tomorrow?"

"I will tell you to edge for me, and then later, I will tell you no."

The next day he asked me to decide for him again. I pointed out that it would be silly since he knew I would deny him. The expected choice would be to have an orgasm and enjoy it, but his desire to be controlled was showing through. Even though he didn't understand why he was doing it, he asked me to decide for him, so I made him edge and denied him for the day, just as I said I would. Again, I told him that he could ask me the next day, and offered to share the answer he would get. "I will tell you to edge for me, and then later, I will tell you no."

On his sixth day without an orgasm, we had this conversation:**

me> so you want to let me choose for you again today?
tim> yes Sir, please
me> don't you want to know what the answer will be before you choose?
tim> i, i dont know anymore. whatever you think is best
me> well, I already decided I was going to let you have an orgasm today if you asked me. I wanted to see if you would ask.
me> I think I'd like you to choose if you'll take the orgasm, or if you'll try to go for a full week
me> just one more day :)
tim> can u just decide for me? i cant stand not knowing what you want
me> I want you to make a choice
tim> i wanna cum, im so horny i just gotta cum
me> it would give me a tiny bit of pleasure if you chose not to
me> not very much. . . I might smile a tiny bit more when I masturbate tonight. but it'd be something
tim> i wont then
tim> fuck
me> just to give me a tiny bit of pleasure? You'll put yourself through another day of hell?
tim> yes Sir

I had pushed him to the point of surrender using nothing but charm. I could have pushed him farther, had him doing pretty much anything I wanted, but it was a good amount of progress. It was a profound experience for him, and he needed a chance to cool down and think about what had happened. At the very least I had shown him how deep his submissive side runs. I let him have an orgasm shortly after our exchange.

The experience did change him. He has explored more of his fantasies since then, he bought a chastity device, and has played with a couple of key holders. I'm extremely proud to have been a part of his journey, and wish him all the best in his future.

---
* A cuckold is a person who is in a relationship where they are denied sex, but their partner is sexually active. From what I gather, there are often other humiliating / degrading elements to these relationships, but there are enough elements missing that you wouldn't consider it BDSM.

** The dialogue has been edited for readability. Some lines were combined, some typing errors were corrected. I removed some insignificant chat during the conversation, and edited out a pause that appeared in the middle. The conversation is reprinted with Tim's permission.

Feedback

2011-02-06T15:13:00.000-08:00

Being a Dom comes naturally to me; I have a constant urge to push people, seem to have some skill at it, and enjoy doing it. That said, some parts of the job are harder than others. One of the hardest, and most important to do correctly, is reading and understanding a sub.

The kind of play that I enjoy involves creating a sense of powerlessness. That means making a sub do things they don't want to do. I will apply all sorts of pressure such as charm, pain, guilt, fear, frustration. Sometimes I even use force. This is fun for me, and if I do it right, it'll scratch that deep down submissive itch inside of them.

If you push a sub too far however, or push them the wrong way, things can get ugly fast.

You have to be constantly reading your sub when you are playing, looking for those subtle (or not so subtle) clues about their mood. The signs that people show vary widely, and mean different things. Some people beg, some people cry, some people talk, some people even laugh, and this doesn't mean they aren't enjoying themselves or want you to stop. Then again, sometimes it does. You can learn to read the signs a sub gives off, but it takes time to get there, and your bound to make mistakes along the way.

Asking questions is important, especially at the beginning, but it's not a simple thing to do. Obviously the info you gather is important and will help guide your decisions, but it's important that a sub doesn't feel like they are controlling you. If a sub asks you to do something like, for example, put on nipple clamps in the middle of a scene, this is bad. If you do it, even if you planned to anyway, it means that they are in control. This is the opposite of powerlessness. This is called topping from the bottom, and it undermines the best parts of what BDSM is.

If you're going to ask questions about play preference, it's better to do so between sessions, but this too can undermine the Dom/sub dynamic. To be clear, asking questions like "are you comfortable?" or "are you sore anywhere?" are always okay. Asking something like "do you want me to put the nipple clamps on?" is okay too, and can be a lot of fun, especially if they know their answer won't stop you.

So how do we get quality feedback without undermining the power exchange? Everyone has their own techniques, and for me they will vary from sub to sub. One that I use often, and have had good success with, is asking a sub to keep a journal. This has many benefits: By telling it as a story, they will be showing the parts that were significant to them, and can show that they did or didn't like something without being critical. Writing about an experience forces them to examine their thoughts and feelings about it which is important when dealing with the kinds of powerful emotions we stir up. As a bonus, you also get a lasting record of the things you've done.

I've had a couple of subs keep their journals online for me, and this has been good too. If you're going to do it, just make sure that you're able to mark the blog as adult content, and that your sub feels comfortable expressing themselves in that forum. It's easy to create a private blog which could be a good compromise if you're worried about privacy.

Sometimes I get it wrong when I'm playing. I might push too hard, or not push enough. Especially with newer subs, but even with experienced ones, it's hard to say sometimes what they will like until you try it. I won't allow a sub to complain while I play with them, so they just have to suck it up until the scene is done. When I get their feedback we'll talk about it, and make adjustments then. Of course, there's always the safe word to ensure I don't go too far in the heat of things.

Guilt

2011-01-12T21:28:00.000-08:00

Starting out as a Dominant isn't easy for a lot of reasons, but the hardest thing for me was learning to deal with the guilt. I have always had a strong moral code, and like to believe that I'm a decent person. Accepting that I not only enjoy, but actually need to make others suffer to be happy in life was really tough for me. From talking to other Dom/mes, I know that I'm not alone.

A submissive has to admit that they enjoy being tormented for the pleasure of another. This is not easy either, but it's not a selfish pleasure. A sub is doing it for someone they care about. It is a noble gift, strange to an outsider perhaps, but it's not like they're hurting anyone.

I hurt people. I enjoy pushing someone to do the uncomfortable, to sacrifice their own pleasure for the sake of my own. What I do is clearly unreasonable in a free society that values equality.

This was difficult for me to deal with many years ago, but I got over it. I forced myself past it. A true submissive needs to be pushed; they can't find peace in thier life without it. In my code of honour, it is acceptable for me to do this as long as I do so in a way that is Safe, Sane, and Consentual. I don't have any trouble sleeping at night. I am not ashamed of what I do.

My wife has not yet gotten past this stage. She was avoiding C when he was over, and it was getting progressively worse. At first I thought she wasn't interested, but eventually we sat down and talked it through. She explained to me that she felt bad for hurting him. I told her how I justified it to myself, and that seemed to help. The next time C came over, she talked to him a bit, then she joined right in and started having fun. We need to keep working on it, but things are already better.

It's been really good for us to be playing with C. Not only are we having fun, but we're learning a lot from the experience. I'm growing into my own style and getting stronger with my technique. Working on the marital issues involved in playing with another person has been really good for us too. Most of all, we are lucky to have found C. He has been incredibly patient and understanding with us while we experiment and figure this all out.

Liberation of the Captive Balls

2010-12-27T19:41:00.000-08:00

We have been experimenting with keeping C in chastity for the last month, but have finally had to stop. It's been frustrating, but I have learned a lot from the experience. For the benefit of others, and myself in the future, I can condense everything I learned into these small nuggets:

To reduce chafing in a captive ball device: the tube should be small enough that it is usually full, the A ring should be small enough that it's never loose, and the whole thing should be as small and as light as possible. This will reduce the amount that the device will move while being worn. The A ring should also be loose enough that when the tube does move it slides over the skin rather that rubbing or tugging it.

To securely lock someone in a captive ball device: the gap between the A ring and the tube must be small enough that the balls can't fit through, or the A ring has to be small enough that neither the penis nor either ball can come out while it's locked in place. The gap in the device must also be large enough that it won't pinch the skin or else it can cut off circulation or cause damage.

For these reasons, if a guy has a tight sack and small balls, then it will be difficult to find a captive ball device that fits securely. If you aren't sure, try this: using your thumb and forefinger make a ring around the ball sack between the balls and the penis shaft, then try to slide it off. If it slides off easily with only a slight increase in ring size, then you should consider two other methods for chastity: a piercing-connected device, or a full belt.

Unfortunately for me, I had to learn this the hard way. . .

With a mere two weeks weeks of ball stretching C fit easily into the curve. Not only could he fit the largest (2") A ring, but the 1.75" and 1.5" rings also. I started with the largest ring, slid the tube on, and with much excitement put the lock in place. The excited continued until an hour later when I watched the device fall off with no encouragement. Over the next couple weeks we tried various configurations, but couldn't find one that was both secure and comfortable. The chafing was the worst part, bad enough at times to cause a rash.

Some friends suggested trying a device with a smaller tube, and I had been interested in the silicone based devices, so we got a Bon4 and tried it. C found it much more comfortable, but no amount of tightening the ring could make it secure. And let me tell you, tightening it down as far as we did was not easy. It took the two of us several minutes to put the medium-sized ring in place, and enough muscle to connect the locking strap that I'm still astounded it didn't snap.

Thinking about it now, it's obvious why we had problems. The curve has the longest tube of it's family, this makes it heavier and increases it's leverage on the A ring. While C can fill it when fully erect, it's bigger than he needs, so he'll always have a problem with chafing. The Bon4 is smaller and lighter, but it has a big gap between the ring and tube which can't be adjusted, so it will never be secure for him. Now that I've seen one, I'm not sure how it would be secure for anyone.

I think our next best option is a piercing-connected device, but C is hesitant to get the necessary piercing and I won't force it on him. We'll keep regulating his orgasms while we continue his training, but we'll have to depend on the honour system. I know I can trust him, even with a bit of pushing, but I want to go easy until he's locked in something secure. I'm certain he would tell me if he were to slip up, but I don't want to force him into a situation where he might be unable to resist.

Chores as Kink

2010-12-19T17:05:00.000-08:00

C has been doing really well as our first houseboy. He's been coming over about twice a week, which seems to be a good pace. He does a few basic chores every time he comes over: change the cat litter, sweep the floors, do dishes, and clean the kitchen. Once a week we add some other chore like wiping down the counters or cleaning behind the stove.

It has made a huge difference. Our home looks so much better now than it used to. I had worried that I would stop doing chores if someone else started, but I'm doing just as much as before, even sometimes while C is doing his. The difference now is that I am doing different ones that used to get put off. My office is more organized, computer chores are getting done, and I've made progress on a few little projects around the house that I've wanted to do since we moved in. This may change if I get more accustomed to a house boy, but for now the result is fantastic.

In terms of kink, it is a strange one. I don't fantasize about him scrubbing the floors, but while he is working I am almost constantly erect. I don't think it's because he's naked and collared, or because I can often see the chastity device dangling there while he works, though they certainly don't hurt. I think it's the knowledge that he's doing these mundane chores because he wants to make us happy.

There are lots of subs I've talked to who don't enjoy this kind of service; they need sexual stimulation, constant attention, or some other thing to keep them excited and in a submissive mood. This kind of sub is still plenty fun to play with, but you would generally use them as part of foreplay and sex.

C leans toward the service side. He enjoys making us happy, but wouldn't do it without the kinky play that follows. There are some subs out there who enjoy serving enough that they don't need the kink to feel satisfied, but this hybrid of service and kink seems to be much more common.

It's a great arrangement we have going: we get to enjoy a clean house, he is proud to be contributing, and everyone has fun when we play afterwards.

Ball Stretching

2010-11-20T12:25:00.000-08:00

Chastity has been one of my goals for C from the very beginning. Not only am I a big fan, but it's one of his main interests as well. I tried putting him in a "The Curve" I have kicking around on his first visit, but the largest A ring I have wouldn't fit.

The A ring is the main ring that goes around the balls and base of the penis. It is essential to holding the curve and all it's cb-x000 brothers in place. If it's too tight it can cause pain or chafing. If it's too loose, the whole thing can slide off.

At first I was discouraged, but by his second visit I had the idea to try ball stretching.

I took a bit of cord and wrapped him up, enough that it would start to feel tight when fully erect. It looked awesome, and gave him a sensation of being marked, but the knot fell apart on his trip home. I had him re-tie it, which worked out for a while, but he started having circulation problems so we had to stop. I also tried using tape, but that didn't work either.

Until we get the chastity device figured out, C has surrendered control of his orgasms on the honour system, and is doing well at it so far. This is still a lot of fun for me, but I want to have him locked in something before we try the more intense orgasm control games.

The Houseboy

2010-11-13T10:38:00.000-08:00

After years of searching my wife and I have finally found our first houseboy. He came over this week to start his training, and so far it has been a lot of fun.

It's been difficult to find someone. It's not enough that they be interested in domestic service, there's all the other standard challenges: local or able to relocate, compatible with our kinks, compatible with our personalities, have the time to serve, and have the courage to show up for the first time.

So when one day, after years of being stood up, abandoned, rejected, one shining candidate shows up at the door and offers himself to be used, it's magic.

C is fairly new to kink, but he is serious, and well suited to the role. He's honest, clever, polite, and extremely cute while kneeling waiting for orders. The most important part, as is true for any kind of service role, is he seems to get that warm fuzzy feeling when he is able to make others happy. More than that, he seems to need it in his life, and needs to work for it.

We started him easy for his first day. We taught him how to present himself when he arrives, then we went straight into cleaning the floors and changing the cat litter boxes.

I always wonder with a domestic servant if they'll get bored doing chores, but he seemed to really enjoy it. This is an important trait that makes him good for this role.

I also worried that I might get bored while he does mundane chores, but I didn't. It was great because I was able to do other things, and when I felt like paying attention it was really enjoyable to watch. A naked guy kneeling in front of you to grab a clump of cat hair from under the couch is a beautiful sight.

When he was done with his chores, we let him watch a tv show with us, though he did have his arms bound and was sitting on the floor. I hope he enjoyed it.

I haven't been this turned on in a very long time. It's only been a couple days but I can't stop thinking about his next visit.

A Beginning

2010-11-11T23:18:00.001-08:00

Some of my friends have been encouraging me to start this blog, to talk about the wild life I live when the blinds are drawn. I have resisted until now because there hasn't been much to post, but that's all starting to change.