Filling the Bucket

London - 3

2019-11-12T15:24:00.000+01:00

We managed to go to London again.
This time we were in time to arrange our travels...well, to make the choice how to travel.

There was some preference to go by plane. But that would mean trying to reach in Amsterdam in time without loosing too much time. Which is always a gamble. And it would cost too much.

Airport Eindhoven would be an option too. But would we arrive at an airport too far away from the center of London? probably. So the traintime and -money lost to go to Amsterdam would only be spend in London.

Going all the way by train would be too expensive.

Etc etc etc.

The bus would start in our town but we would have to add an extra 5 hours for an hour's stay in...Paris.

I saw a gloomy sight at the horizon: not going this year.

Then the eldest told us the bus would start in Eindhoven and go from there straight to London.
We could park the car there....

Pfff.

So we went.

Had some problems on our way to London, as someone ran against the bus in Antwerp and caused serious problems for himself and some people on the bus and the bus itself.
Because of it we missed the shuttle. They could have given us a place, but they were miffed we were late.

Because of it we missed breakfast with a friend.
But we managed to be at the service in time.

We later went to our friends and had a great afternoon!!!

The drivers needed an 9 hour rest, so decided to call us when they would leave their hotel, so we could use our time to the fullest and be back in time too.

We could leave later than planned, so had to go back by ferry.
Dinner there was... eh.... greasy...
And even back in our own country things were rather strange, as we had to pay more than it had said online for parking the car and.... we couldn't find the proper entrance. LOL!

But we arrived home... were tired... but happy we had been there and seen our friends.

More photos at the photosite, but here a few so you'll get an impression.

Crosses for those who died at Westminster Cathedral.

Very moving.

Keith Palmer,

we won't forget him!

Near the London Eye.

This look will be changed next time we'll be there,

What kind of animal has been killed for this?

_)_)_)_..._(_(_(_

48 - clubmembership - updated

2019-11-04T21:54:00.003+01:00

So I applied for membership of the RAF club, to have a safe and affordable stay in London.
It would enable me to stay a bit longer next year, if there is place for me, and in between I could go with my daughters or even alone, as at the club there is always someone to talk with and a subject to talk about.

Been at a club in Kendall when it was still a men's club (I got permission for a few hours because I was underage and foreign..) and I loved the feel of it, and recently in London and it felt like home.

I got a mail back with the requirements.
I'd send my dad's number, but it turned out not to be enough.

Needed:

- Completed application form, apply online.
- Copy of documentary proof of your parents military service (copy of their service record, pension letters, mentioned in Government Gazette or mentions in despatches – their details need to be highlighted on the page)
- Copy of your full birth certificate
- Copy of any change of name document where applicable –e.g. marriage certificate
- Copy of proof of Address
- A passport size photograph
- Membership payment: £40 for Single Family Member. A joining fee of £10 per member will apply

Some things are not a problem at all.
But: 2

..Service record. Requested, but Covid caused a waitinglist from, now, almost a year, someone told me.
..He never got a pension and I sure didn't get the papers. He died 30 years ago!!
..He served during the war. He doesn't pop up in the Government Gazette. Don't know of any despatches.
..my birth certificate. 14 euros
..proof of Address

-- Valid Driver's License. Don't have one
-- Property Tax Receipt. Don't get one.
-- Posted Mail with name of applicant. Hmmm... who want to send me a card?
-- Utility Bill. Not on my name.
-- Lease Agreement. None
-- Insurance Card. Has no address, only a number
-- Voter Registration Card. Haha, you need to hand it in when voting
-- College Enrollment Papers. Huh? I'm 63!!!

So there are still hurdles to take....

Finally...decided for the bus

2019-10-28T20:30:00.000+01:00

So we made the decision to go to Armistice Day again.
But how would we go there.

L was told by a friend he travelled for 59 pounds, so the hunt for some good offers started.
There were some, but each time it turned out to be far more expensive than before.
Going a day before meant an expensive night,
or a cheap flight meant travelling by public transport at such expenses that...

It was like running circles around a bill that got larger and larger.

Then my eldest son told us he wanted to go to, and would go by bus, like we had gone to London earlier this year. For not even 25% of the costs.

He even knew a shortcut.

The decision was made in a short time.
Booking done.

We'll arrive in London at Armistice day at about 6.30 AM at Victoria Station.
Have to be back at 7 in the evening, to leave at 8.

We'll be on the bus for twice the time we'll be in London.

But who cares?
Those boys and girls, men and women will be remembered by us too.

.

48. A safe place to stay in London - clubmembership

2019-09-01T21:19:00.000+02:00

I would love to stay in London more often, and not hurry to and fro in 1,5 day by bus with a 12 hours stay.
While discussing this a friend said that it would be wise to become a member at his RAF club.

What a great idea!!

I'm a RAF daughter, so it won't be a problem...I hope.

Last day in London ....for now.....

2018-11-22T02:08:00.000+01:00

This blog automatically adjusts the size of the photos so they look blurred.

Click for the right size.

Two photo phanatics
photographing each other in a composition with red in the building,
the bus at the right,
and the colour of the camera of the girl in her backpack
and the pushchair of the baby at the right.

I found another colour composition.

My son went to the Institute of Contemporary Arts, and we went to Horse Guard Road because we heard music.

But soon the music stopped and people left.

Isn't it strange they drive at the left in England, but in London they walk at the right of the pavement?

I wanted to photograph the London Eye, when I saw two black cars leaving Horse Guards.

Who was in there? Prince Charles?

Got it well on camera, didn't I?

Keeping in line with photographic other memorials: this one from the back too.

It's the Guards Memorial, also known as the Guards Division War Memorial.

It commemorates the war dead from the Guards Division and related units during the First World War, and of the Household Division in the Second World War and other conflicts since 1918.

The bronze plaquette is made from the bronze from confiscated german pistols from WW1.

Ofcourse we won't get lost.

Not in St. James Park!

In case you don't see them: squirrels.

On our way through the park we also saw a group of geese.

One of them stopped walking in front of me, looked up and I won't be surprised if he bugged his mind thinking where he'd seen me before.

We left the dark park at Spur Road.

The Queen Victoria Memorial in front of Buckingham Palace looked wonderful in the special lights.

It was almost too dark for a photo... but for memory's sake....

We had a pleasant scroll back at Birdcage Walk.

No traffic was allowed yet, so no smells and sounds.

Just some people walking, talking, almost whispering.

I had a short break sitting at some stairs.

Turned out to be the Institution of Mechanical Engineers.

When I found out, I had to smile.

The group of memories was complete.

Ken, from Kendall, was a mechanical engineer.

He told me about his work during WW2 and

about the bridges in The Netherlands he assisted designing and building.

I simply had to try to take photos by evening.

One wonders who is behind the light windows.

Westminster Abbey in the dark

The crosses make even a deeper impression than during the day.

I feel very enriched to have seen the abbey

at a time that commerce wasn't as important.

Maybe my children will never be able to look inside

and pay their respect.

I was shocked to see the entrance fees.

Goodbye London.

Hope to see you soon.

I'll miss you!

We left London in the dark. But it wasn't raining.

At Peckham we nearly had a deadly accident.

A car suddenly drove from the right straight towards us

and would have drilled itself deep into the place where I was sitting,

but the fast reaction of my son saved us all.

We arrived in Dover 20 minutes before departure of the ferry.

That is, the one earlier than the one we had booked.

Instead of having dinner and waiting,

we decided to try to change the booking.

The lady at the office was smiling when I asked

and handed our passports back with the surprise of a changed booking.

It was quiet on the ferry.

Outside it was extremely cold, inside there were only a few people.

We ate fish and chips.

Far too soon we were back at the main land.

...

.And then, at the fuelstation he popped out!

Had been travelling all the way with us.

On our way home we stopped three times for coffee and a break.

We got lost in the dark as we were prohibited to take the right exit.

But the tomtom guided us through the dark, past some farms.

In the middle of the night my daughter was brought to her house.

Then, at the bridge, the car showed problems,

so we couldn't drive in the fifth gear anymore.

But we made it home.

My son couldn't find his keys, so we had to search his stuff and the car.

When he finally left, I could see the first signs of sunrise.

Wish I could have seen this in London.....

Memory Lane in London

2018-11-21T02:06:00.000+01:00

The photos don't look very well as the blog adjust their size.

Just click them pls.

Brown's at St. Martins Lane. I have no problems with a gift card. LOL!

Those buildings are so beautiful, pity the street itself is such a mess.

And then.... I saw St. Martin in the Fields.

I wanted to go there, even though son wanted to drive outside London before dark.

50 years ago dad and I went there and enjoyed some music and the quiet,

as it was very crowded in London that day.

I hope they've kept the Victorian interior.

Come on...time enough to have a good look around at Trafalgar Square.....

Such a pity they are building in between... Looks like what we call: a square box.

In the past they had Atlas carry the world.

But nowadays they need more shoulders to carry the globe.

Royal lions?

Or Dutch lions?

Certainly no native inhabitants of England.

Who sat model for her?

What was she thinking?

Did she know she would end up high in the sky, watching over Covent Garden.....

...beside shamelessly naked young men dressed in.... fruit!

The Coliseum Theatre opened december 24 1904.

It was designed by Mark Matcham and was intended to become the largest and finest music hall of Europe. Well, it certainly was the first to have a lift and the first to have a triple revolve installed on stage.

After the Sadler's Well Opera Company moved in the building in 1968 the name was changed in 1974 into the English National Opera.

At present it's used for opera and is the London home for the English National Ballet.

I love the building, but not the lights at the globe that spread the name during the dark hours.

Edith Cavell Monument.

Someone bumped against me, so I only have a photo of the side of the monument.

In front the Norfolk Nurse Edith Cavell is portrayed.

She was matron in Brussels at the Berkendael Medical Institute at the beginning of WW1.

She gave medical care to both sides of the war, and in the meantime supported about 200 allied soldiers to escape from the Germans.

In august 1915 she was accused of treason and found guilty. The Germans shot her st october 12th 1915 and her remains were buried in Belgium.

The British used her story to show the lack of morals and humanity of the Germans.

After the war her remains were brought to England and she was given a state funeral at Westminster Abbey. Her remains were laid to rest at Norwich.

As child and grandchild of people who were in the resistance and supported aircrews escape from the Germans this memorial holds special significance to me. Especially at Remembrance Day.

We were welcomed in St. Martin in the Fields by a sing training for a girl with a beautiful voice.

And by the window, installed during the renewal of the church between 2006 and 2008,

created by the Iranian artist Shirazeh Houshiary.

St. Martin in the Fields is the patron church for soldiers and pacifists.

As there were people in the church we didn't want to disturb them and walking to the other memorials.

'At the going down of the sun

and in the morning -

we will remember them.'

In my mind Trafalgar Square was huge....

Always loved the top of the Museum...

Yes, girly girl, you've been at places of significance for ballet dancers and your family.

You'll be back!!

The last glow of the sun on the roofs of London architecture

The day passing,

our visit passing...

Again old and new together.

Admiralty Arch.

The arch is connected to the building of the former admiralty.

King Edward VII initiated the creation to honor his mother, Queen Victoria.

The Latin inscription reads:

ANNO DECIMO EDWARDI SEPTIMI REGIS

VICTORIÆ REGINÆ CIVES GRATISSIMI MDCCCCX,

which means:

''During the tenth year of the reign of Edward VII,

to Queen Victoria by the grateful people, 1910".

The road of The Mall is red.

A symbolic red carpet to Buckingham Palace.

For us it was a real red carpet,

as there was hardly any traffic,

only a few cars of the people who had to clean everything and put the fences away.

Armistice Centenary

2018-11-20T22:30:00.000+01:00

Click the photo to see the right size.

The blog adjusts the photos to its own size.

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Armistice parade 2018

2018-11-20T20:00:00.000+01:00

This blog resizes the images to fit the outline.

Just click on the photos to see them relatively well.

They're not great as I had to cut them out,

but they're good memories.

Finally found my daughter again.

Trying to get our friends of the Army Air Corps on a photo.

Bit difficult as we saw them far too late, and the crowds

and rows of military were between them and us.

Best place to be....

Someone called me?

Andy, perhaps in a kind of meditative mood?

Is this Caroline's group?

Managed to get him on a photo after all.

London, rainy morning

2018-11-12T18:00:00.000+01:00

The blog resizes the photos.

Click to see them well.

We arrived in London early in the morning.

Above us majestic skies.

The parking was right in the middle of Westminster.

Couldn't have been better.

We were surprised that we were able to get there

all the way by car. Wow!

The reflections in the water caught my attention,

and soon we were trying to get the real

and the reflection of the tower in one photo.

Busy air traffic.

We got used to it very quick.

OK... the red photographed...

We were so early that lots of people were working

to get obstacles down and road blocks installed.

Ofcourse we couldn't see Big Ben properly,

so I've put more red in the photos

We were very impressed by the temporary memorial

at Westminster Abbey.

I looked to the entrance of Westminster Cathedral

and it was like dad was greeting me.

He used to sing in a byzantine choir.

Home again?

2018-11-11T21:30:00.000+01:00

Home again....that's how it felt... home again.
Back in London for a few hours.

A decision to go was made a few days before.
I thought it was just a joke, but it was true.

We tried to find a place to sleep, a place to park, and that was it.
I packed a bag, which meant I took a large bag and had almost nothing in it, decided not to bother about anything, and just go.

I didn't have the time for proper preparations, just got the address and phone number of a friend, in case we would have the time to visit her, and that was it.
We went there with a tight schedule of the check in for the boat, and the event in London, nothing more.

We, my para-son and I. And when the room we could get was for three, we asked who had the time to go with us, so my dance daughter jumped in. (With far less luggage than she carries with her on a daily basis. LOL!) Such a pity her twin sister needed to be at her job.

We left in the middle of the night.
I couldn't sleep at all.
Just left like I was going away for some shopping....

But I was going back... after 50 years.... going back.
Would I have the same feelings about the place?
I hate Rotterdam, I'm OK with Amsterdam, feel a stranger in Paris.
Would I feel at home again in London?

I went there with dad. Roamed the streets for hours on end. Visiting lots.
We even stood in line for the Crown Jewels (but not long) and I had some very strange experiences of knowing my way around the old neighbourhoods outside the center without ever being there, and we didn't have Google Street then.

But first we had to get there.
In the old dodgy car...

Dover 2018

2018-11-10T20:30:00.000+01:00

Click the photos to see the right version.

Last look up the ferry when driving on land.

It's real! We're there!!!

This is England.

Good I said I wouldn't kiss the ground like the pope.

It's wet and cold.

But the white cliffs are present,

and we're as eager to leave the area as the truck drivers.

On English soil again!

Back!!

Made it after 50 years!!

Oh, back again!!

The windows at the end of the tunnels.

A few our later we will be at the other side.

Another songs emerges in my mind.

Remember: Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins?

'Step in time?'

We went to the hostel and were welcomed by the cleaner.

She called someone else and he wasn't the owner either.

But he gave us a room:

the spitfire room.

No problem with the name.

It was well fitting as my dad flew spitfires too.

The room was as convenient as the places for the RAF men in the spitfires:

2 bunk beds, a loo, and a watertap for cold water.

We left our stuff there, and went for...

fish and chips, and for 2 of us an ice cream.

A rather creative view on the Brexit.

It's a painting on the wall,

but so real, that I had to check it

several times.

Then we went up the mountain to Dover Castle.

Rain, dark clouds and rays of sun accompanied us.

After parking and paying (far too much for the short time which was left)

We went to the tunnels.

Waited precious time and were guided through the first ones.

Then we decided to go to the hospital tunnels too.

Our two guides were waiting.

We were the only three wanting to see it all.

The one at the right, Caroline, asked us if we wanted the standard tour,

with light effects and a recorded voice,

or a privatised tour with her explaining things and walking at leisure,

because we were the last of the day.

Our choice was the last option.

When we left, we had a new friend,

and felt grateful for the good talk

and being able to exchange feelings about our RAF family members.

More rain and a lot more to see.

And again those rays...

My dad once said:

When I'm dead, watch the sunrays, I'll greet you with them.'

Well, they were with us the whole day.

The castle itself.

A photo to proof we were there.

But it was closed right in front of us.

So we quickly visited the shop,

and we were told to leave there as they were closing.

People were leaving.

And a handful of people kept walking the premisses.

My son gave me a RAF brooch on the towbridge of the castle.

With just a few people around,

minding their own business,

we were able to look around well,

and imagine how it would have been during the war.

Arrival... Dover

2018-11-10T19:00:00.000+01:00

Click the photos to see the right size.

The endless sea,

water and sky merging in utter tranquility.

Passing a Super Ice tanker.

It's too far away to see its name.

This one is a colleague of the one we're at.

The sea isn't completely calm.

At times it hits a wave and

we're trying to make a photo at the perfect moment.

Yes!!!

I walked through the corridor,

humming 'The white cliffs of Dover'.

A steward smiled and said 'nice song' when passing me.

A few minutes later the whole ship could hear the song.

Coincidence?

It's a pity the weather isn't great.

Rain and mist try to hide the cliffs.

We can see the castle!

A moment of brightness brings people to the windows.

I'm getting excited!

In a short while we'll be there,

between the chaos at the feet of the cliffs.

Weather, reflections in the window... who cares?

Dover Castle!

Just a few hours and we'll be there!

The harbour

What was almost invisible can be seen clearly now.

And there we are......

Finally to England

2018-11-10T18:00:00.000+01:00

Click the photos to see the right version.

We left at 5.00 hours in the morning.

It was dark, some stretches even without lights,

but the light of our car.

We had to go though a part of The Netherlands,

straight through Belgium, to France.

Rain, drizzled, hit the car like acorns in fall.

And when finally the morning arrived,

we drove through the last part to the terminal of the boat in Duinkerke.

Not a nice photo, but a memory of the terminal where it was warm.

The coffee was nice,

and apart from two other people we were the only travellers.

That's our boat, arriving...

And when the boat was visible, the sun was too.

Our turn to board.

Soon we'll be there.

Rusty and dirty escape boat.

Men working to free us from the ropes that still tie us to the main land.

Leaving...

View from the restaurant.

More grey clouds and rain, and reflection of the window.

The cliffs of Dover in the rain and mist.

Dover, a place to be?

2018-10-16T20:00:00.000+02:00

Click the photo to see a version
that is not changed to fit the blog.

Time and nature are eating away history....

The tunnels are underneath.

Some flowers living on the stone.

proudly living in wind and rain.

We had to go down again,

using slippery and muddy steps.

My daughter slipped away,

I held both hands on the railings and felt older than 90.

But we arrived downstairs in one piece.

With our minds still up at the places were people worked to keep the country safe.

Going down the mountain at sunset.

Leaving the castle to mystery and ghosts...

Are there any at Dover Castle?

We went to the shops.

Bought a pair of shoes which were a bit wider than those I was wearing.

They were cheap, but were perfect.

I even found the colour lipstick I'd been looking for for 5 years!!

Should have gone earlier. LOL!

Wanted to meet the owner of the hostel.

He was nowhere to be found.

We tried to find a place to eat,

but a lot was closed or too expensive.

Finally a friend at the app (!!) told us to go to a place

that made the best piripiri chicken: Nando's.

It was great!

Finally the owner was present at the hostel.

Turned out we had the wrong room.

He discovered it while we, ladies, were preparing for the night.

So we threw our stuff in the bag and went to the room which was to be ours.

That is was small wasn't a real problem.

The beds and loo were clean.

But the shower wasn't ready.

The mirror was at the floor.

The shower wasn't working.

No hot water.

And the wash basin was not even large enough for our hands.

But it was cheap...

During the night we woke up because of the torrential rain,

and the wind blowing under our beds.

I reminded myself to have a look if the floor was flooded

before leaving the bed.

We fell asleep at kid's bedtime,

and woke up before 5.

Packed our stuff and went.

We were on the road to London before 5, in rain and wind.

But excited!

Berries, lots of them.

2018-06-14T23:00:00.000+02:00

The past weeks we've had beautiful hot weather, like high summer.

Strange things happened in the garden.
The lettuce was rained away... just crushed under the hard fast large drops.

The red berries seemed to benefit tremendously from the enormous amounts of water and the long sunny days. And perhaps from the pruning of last year....
They'd grown high up the rose section, twisting between the branches of the two kind of plants, reaching high up towards the apple tree.
It looked like just another year of growth would make my whole garden one complete berry bush.

A few day ago I tasted a few berries and had the sour taste crawl through my mouth behind my ears. Not my way of enjoying the richness of nature. I'm not a sour-lover. No lemons for me, unless I can get them straight from the tree in Limone Italy during a wonderful summer, like we enjoyed so many years ago. The farmer took joy to invite me in his fruitgarden and taste the fruit the lovely little village was named after.
I was 15. Managed to understand the language and was shy, but determined to learn to speak it too.

The lemons were the sweetest I've ever tasted.
They were devine.

So a few days ago these berries were sour, but when I tasted them today they were not sour, but tasted like red berries should taste... for me.

I got a box and started taking them off the bushes.
Each time when a branch was empty, pruning it immediately.
Soon I had to fetch a large bowl, because there seemed to be berries under each leaf.
It was amazing!!

As always I threw some ripe berries in other parts of the garden.
Did so last year and it resulted in a bush at the other side of the gardenpath.

It took me over an hour to get all the ripe berries in the bowl, and still there is a lot on there that need to grow and ripen.

Weighing the harvest: 1,5 kilo!!!!
Never had so many berries.

It took me another hour to get them from the twigs and ready for consumption.

Some berries are used fresh in yoghurt, some have been put in the freezer, so the kids can take a box when they want.

And they all want their share. LOL!

Never had so many berries. But also never had berries so early in the season.

.Click the photos to enlarge them.

The changing me

2018-06-13T23:00:00.000+02:00

Had a meeting again today.
The past week I was asked to accompany a friend of the heart organisation to an event, to man the information stand.
I agreed. I like to do it, especially with someone nice present.
The subject of the event was not a very well known one: inherited hypercholesterolemia. We're there for the relationship between the disease and heartproblems.
So time to have some thorough reading and good preparation. I like the know what I'm talking about.

During the meeting I asked the people who have the leaflets in storage if they can provide them.
'Order them yourself'.
Oh???
'And in case I would get them in time...how would I get the stuff there? I have to go by bus.

This resulted in a huge discussion. The depotholder refusing to provide stuff, just because he didn't feel like doing it.
I felt lured into activities I didn't want.
The intention was to accompany someone, not to organise it. And I've never organised it, so... Better first walk through the process with someone so I know what to do. That's quite reasonable, as the organisation is very strict in how they want matters to be done, and I tend to improvise and do things my way. (So in a way I have to protect myself against myself.)

It took quite some time, with my thoughts lingering on other issues while they kept on 'talking', and then the chairman stepped in and said he would bring the leaflets to the hospital. If only he knew where to bring it.
Well, as I knew nothing, I couldn't tell him.

A few months earlier I would have told them I would solve it, and would have gone through a lot of stress to get things arranged.

It also looked like I was there alone... none of the others had time. Until one of the other women stepped in. She has to drive an hour to get there.... She's a nice person, so we'll have a good time.

I left the subject with 'I'll mail around'.

Turned out the event was organised by a professional organisation.
I mailed them and was told the leaflets were already there. Was also given the name of a nurse that is our liaison.

Makes me wonder if I had learned to stick to my limits, was stubborn, or had some strange feeling of knowing things would work out without my effort?

All in all I can give plenty of attention to reading about the subject of the event.

.

Dentist desk and shedding my stuff like old feathers

2018-04-18T22:00:00.000+02:00

It's like some people just don't care how they do their job. Or maybe I'm just an old nagging bitch.
I don't feel like it. It's more a bit of anger because it costs so much time and stress to deal with the mistakes of others when they won't own them.

So today I got a call...recognised the number and it was the dentist desk again.
I should attach their name to the number, so I know who's calling and I can let them call part or whole of eternity.

'Recently you had an appointment with the prevention assistant'....
It was like a light to fireworks....
Told her that I didn't have an appointment at all, but that the secretary forgot to remove the appointment, she herself decided was not OK.
But that I was just about the cancel the appointment to a meeting I couldn't skip. But that I would be able to go to the dentist.

She changed her tune...like she called to make a new appointment.
I refused.
Third reasons: I had no gum inflammation but just brushed too hard, too well, too long, with a too hard brush before going to the dentist. And that I wondered why he couldn't make the difference.
And last time he told me to go I didn't go at all, but asked him is the job had been done well and my teeth were clean and shiny, and he said: 'Yes, they're perfect'.
And the third reason is that I think a 100 euro for 20 minutes is far too much. (If I would still work I would get 103 to 120 an hour, and it would be considered a high paying job).
I didn't tell her that drilling along the rim of the gums has created a dent in the teeth that love to collect dirt and I already lost a teeth because of that dent and the last time I was in the hands of a preventive assistant she told me I should clean my teeth better and she started drilling in the attachment of the crown...so I now have an open entry to my jaw, thank you very much.
Told it the dentist, but he couldn't see it himself or on the x-ray, and he loves to cover mistakes from his employees, so I'm just imagining things.... Hence the infections in my jaw that go and on.

I said that what most bothered me was not the mistake, but the fact that the person in question was not able to say 'sorry', but complained about phoning me and not being able to reach me.

A few minutes later one of the others send me a mail saying sorry.

Maybe it's important to get all overpowering and sounding angry over the phone.
But I was amazed about being so open and shedding my stuff like old feathers.

I know, I just need a good vacation or w home near the sea, where I can write and do my things without people bugging me over a tree they should have taken out ages ago.
Maybe I respect nature too much, maybe there's still some hope somewhere there houses a fairy.... (Don't think so...before you declare me legally nuts.)

Saw the time table of Hacking Health, I was planning to go to and was given free entrance to.
Starts friday afternoon and goes on until sunday evening. Each day stops at 24.00 hours and starts at 7.30 hour. Participating for a part is not accepted. (But I think the medical staff will walk in and out at their own pace and wants.)
I can't cope with such full days....so I cancelled.
Wonder if they'll contact me telling I can come part of the time anyway. They love to have me as a participating patient.

Went through some mails I left aside the past weeks to get some relaxation.
Turned out the volunteer organisation wanted people to come for 3 meetings. Not enough people wanted to come, so they planned a new meeting which is over... in the evening, in the middle of the country at a rather expensive venue. Well, the coffee would have been great!

I started to write the person of the board who had send this mail.
They want to save on transportation costs, so why have us travel through half the country?
I have told in the beginning that I didn't want to travel, and don't want to work evenings, with some exceptions a year. Attending meetings is not part of the exception.

Then I wrote that I experienced that we just have to do what is decided by the board, and it leaves no room for good patient contact. The phone service is regulated in an unpleasant way, just adding stress.
I told him I have a family, and I have to fit in all activities. It gives me not enough room for all those side-activities the board thinks are important, but they are not.
We have to fill in long lists and stuff, whereas we report our activities during the regional meeting and the secretary writes it all down. That should be enough.

Ended the mail with what I really want to do: work in the hospital as heart consultant directly face to face with the patients when they need me most. No advertisement at the end, but just a leaflet with out name and logo. When I do my job well, that's enough to create good feelings and make people want the connection.

I don't know what he'll do with this mail, but when he throws me out I don't mind.
It's far too much work and the added pressure by the leader of the phone service is a kick in the back.
I'm one of the two people with active health problems. Most others got a stent and some had some other repairs done and feel fine.
They've asked me... for my expertise. So use it!

In between cut part of the branches we took down this week, and leveled the ground for my sitting corner. Did the laundry and during the evening had contact with the kids, including some who live elsewhere.

It was like the day never ended.....

.

Not the 13th?

2018-04-17T23:00:00.000+02:00

After a sleepless night this night was good. I slept deep and relaxed, .....until the neighbours started to makes a lot of noise, hammering like they were removing tiles in a resounding bathroom. Bye sleep!!

It gave me time to do some chores in the house, and then I thought to app one of my sons to come in this week when he's in the neighbourhood. He was here within a few minutes.
We talked about what I wanted and then he suggested to do some more in the garden. The trees need cutting and pruning and I can't do it myself.
We worked until I was far too tired, and had lunch.
Half of the garden was filled with branches.
So the son went and I made a lot of branches smaller with garden scissors. Until I had too much pain in my back and needed to sit down.

Then I checked my mail.
Never should have done that.

I have been away from my mail for two weeks.
Good decision to relax a bit, but bad for the piles of mail I found.

Quite some changes in the volunteer work... meaning: extra admin. And I hate admin. Just looked at the titles of the mail. Will read them the next days.

Mail from the dentist: I failed to show up at the appointment.
Tss... in the process of making an appointment she must have written down a time and date, but she said it was not possible to have two appointments after each other (as the dentist wanted) so moved to the 24th.
I was called two weeks ago that I failed to show up and we agreed it was their mistake. So matters were settled. And now this?

Mail from the health insurance. We agreed on automatic payments, but this mail stated they would not receive an automatic payment for over 220 euro, so I should do it myself.
Why did they manipulate me in automatic payments when I still have to watch my mail as a hawk to see if I need to pay something?

Mail from the weekend event... I was just going to cancel my presence...
Couldn't...so I'm away from friday to sunday evening, talking about medical, technical and other improvements in the medical world.
Had to cancel a few plans for this weekend.

During my talk with the politician he told me to contact one of the local organisations to ask them if they would pay for a training as 112 centralist. I've always wanted to do that job, I know I can do it.
Got a mail back. They tried to find my file and they couldn't find it. Right.... There should not be a file about me.
So this lady mailed me, calling herself the trouble shooter. In case I'm on benefits or I'm not eligible for benefits I should meet for an intake... blablabla.
So I mailed her back that I'm not trouble, so there is no need for a trouble shooter.
That my question is very straightforward. Either they pay it, and I need to get registered and when they won't I don't want to be registered. Told her I'm 62, want to make a life for myself these 5 years I still have to work, but when they're not going to pay I stay stuck in this marriage and live poor.
I'm sick of 'mail us with your questions' and get a reply like: make an appointment. They could have said that in the first place.
For someone from that department reading this: state on the site: 'In case of a question, use this mailform to contact us for an intake, making a file about you and deciding if we want to hear your question.'

Mail from the home owner.
They want to tree gone. They accept their responsibility and asked for a quote: 1600 + euro.
And as it was in our garden and we had a responsibility too, they would split the bill in half!!!
No way!
I'm not going to pay 832 euro and 2 cents.

I googled the firm they mentioned...it was not to be found.
Cutting whole trees and removing them would cost about 1000 euro here, so that's far less.
So I wrote a mail back, stating we took the responsibility to clean away the junk that tree caused and took care of it by not using the ground around it, not to damage the roots. So that took away a lot of pleasure in my garden.
We wanted the trees gone when we arrived here, and we could have done it ourselves. No costs involved.
Bloody hell, I've paid rent 30 years....
I bet they haven't even been here to see that tree, but just base their request on the wants of the neighbour.
The tree can't be moved now anyway, as there is a dove and a young family in there...

By that time my heart was racing.
And I was a bit breathless.

Had a quick look in the other mail. A few weeks before the mail of the home owner I got a mail with a questionnaire about this new home owner... haha!!!

Then my dance-daughter told she was not among the chosen for the educational trip to Scandinavia.
That's the second time they pushed her aside for a trip. Made me angry.

And my second son told that their memorial jump in a re enactment event in France was cancelled due to some misunderstanding in the past between the present organiser and a person who is no longer among the para group. Some old misplaced grudge....

And then I heard someone say on TV: in half an hour Holby......
So it was dark... I had forgotten to make myself dinner..., forgot to take my meds....

Said it on the app and my second son was just back from photographing an accident, also skipped dinner and brought stuff here to cook.
It was nice.
But I kind of saw Holby half....

Me oh my, what a day!!!

It isn't the 13th, isn't it?

.

New nephrologist

2018-03-09T23:00:00.000+01:00

It felt like shopping... going by bus, walking into the hospital, which has become a familiar place, because I'm there almost every week. Smiling at the woman of the desk, who knows my name without thinking. Pushing the button in the elevator without looking and talking with the nice lady of the foodcar, who needs to be at the lower level.
On my way to the department greeting a secretary of the administration, greeting the nurse, and saying 'good afternoon' to the elderly people in the waitingroom.

One of the doctors had a quick look at me with a questionmark in his eyes. Guess he didn't expect me sitting there. Maybe the age, maybe the place. He couldn't have seen that I was reading the worst feminist magazine of the country. I took it from the pile, as I was surprised to find it there. The last time I was reading in one of the editions was 20 years ago, when I was visiting a feminist writer to interview her. The content was almost the same, the photo's more of this time, and I was looking for the stress of anticipation...getting to know a new doctor in my life, who can either give me rest or ease the decision to leave the hospital... but I didn't feel stress or even something unnerving.
In fact I was just tired.

She was a bit smaller than I expected.
The same kind of petite as my daughter, compensating with energy in a natural way.
She apologized for being ill, while joking about it. I said that of course I felt annoyed when standing at the desk, but I also liked the fact that a doctor took the consequence of being ill, instead of doing her job at just 50%.
It was kind of women between each other, reaching out, adjusting the mode of conversation, keeping it light, trying to grasp some sort of idea who the person at the other side of the table is.
I always wonder why people want to define someone else by their profession. Yep, I'm a psychologist and a journalist, worked my way through medicine studies without having the opportunity and the money to do the exams.

As expected she started with the Ibuprofen... the files said I was a user, and it's a dangerous pill to take. If I knew why...
Right at that moment I knew again why I had only one friend-doctor at internal medicine. I'm not looking for a mom or a teacher, I want a doctor who listens, hears what I need.
And I didn't need a speech and lesson again, so as a lame schoolgirls I said: 'In short: it shuts the kidneys down.'
Got the lesson again. Not at the level of the stupid child who presumably won't understand it anyway, but more at my own level, so protest didn't pop straight up out of my head, but I swallowed it away and smiled. 'Oh yes'.
'There's one huge problem...' she gave me attention, 'the nurse treated me like I was ibuprofen addicted, but I told her clearly I used it about 3 times a year, and I got the message. Before my kidney function dropped tremendously I hadn't used it for over 3 months.'
She had the last words: 'never ever use it again'.

No question why I used it, no alternative. Like telling not to use chewing gum and not to blow bubbles, without explaining that chewing gum will get a weird taste after a few minutes, and some bubbles explode with the sticky stuff grasping your face and chin to never let go.

So those files have a life of their own. Someone puts a mistake in it, due to not listening properly, and you land in medicine school with a 'stupid hat' on your head for a long time.

Asked again for a dietitian. 'Our nurses are very good'. I didn't say: ' I don't want your bloody nurses, I want a dietitian who sits with me to puzzle an exciting menu together, so I can feel a bit happy to eat again'. I said: 'I need good input as I'm bored with the way I eat: no sugar, little salt, low protein, low fat.' She looked into the files again. 'Bloodvalues are good... You're doing great.'
Well, hell. I'm not doing great! Banana for breakfast, 2 sandwiches for lunch, 3 potatoes and a few veggies for dinner.... when I eat dinner. Often I skip it. Eat a few sandwiches. Is that great? I guess it is for people who can afford expensive meals, a salmon sandwich for lunch bought at the canteen.

Again I got more professional insight in how lonely people can feel, how pushed aside. I can understand people are driven to suicide, because they feel there is nothing to live for, while others exclaim: 'We don't understand, he had everything he needed in life.'
Well, leave your own seat... place yourself into the person in front of you. Leave your own frame of thought and listen...bloody hell, LISTEN!

Yes, my kidney function is up again... great! No question how that happened. Did I do something special to bring it up?
Well, maybe better not ask the question when you think you already know the answer you can't know.

That damn smile of me.. it makes people think they're doing great. But I can't let it go, because they wouldn't see me at all....

Maybe I love the sea so much because it doesn't ask, doesn't expect things, doesn't assume things, and doesn't pretend anything else than to be there, being subject of the wind, changing colours when the sun sets, and my shadow follows me with larger steps until it fades.

Yes, the cardiologist called before monday. They agreed on diminishing my medication. Waterpills..off, Ace inhibitor in half, beta-blocker in half.
'What if the edema starts again?'
'You take the pills again.'

I tried stopping them two weeks ago. piled 2,5 kilo in one day...
Tried to skip 1 metoprolol a while ago.... blood pressure ran up after a few days.

Oh, I got the advice to stop gradually.
Didn't need that. I'm not a fool.

Then challenged the diagnosis. Didn't want to leave without that.
'I would have agreed with diabetic nephropathy when the diabetes would have involved large glucose swings, too high values, but I don't. I've always worked hard to keep them low, within the limits and at level.'
Again a dive in the files.
'Well, when we do a biopsy of the kidneys all diabetes patients show diabetic changes.'
Well, when you conduct autopsies, all people show cancerous changes somewhere in their body, which doesn't warrant the conclusion that a common cold is caused by cancer.
She looked at me...expecting me to talk and so I did. 'My first cardiologist warned me that living such a long time with such a bad heart would have consequences, as the oxygen transport to muscles and organs would have been below what was needed. He said I might be confronted with unexpected problems, as certain organ damage. I was a dancer, was well trained. When I came back I couldn't walk 10 meters without my muscles getting bad and weak, and muscle pain. It's still not completely normal. So I assume we can pass the diabetes hypothesis....'
She thought, and agreed.

I left after we agreed she would stay my nephrologist. Told her I would change cardiologist, maybe even go to the other hospital. She was not happy with that, as the files are on different computer systems. 'The cardiologist is a very open person, he can deal with that, and I can. I will hand deliver my info at your desk in time for the appointment.'

Blood pressure, weight. My weight was up 1 kilo since two weeks ago.... Not a word.

I left.
Not mad.
Not disappointed.
But not content.
Like I had bought the wrong colour of jeans, but still had jeans to wear.

When I arrived at the busstation my daughter was waiting for me. We went to the shopping center to fetch my medication, which was waiting for me. The young woman was happy to see us, took the time for a talk and when my daughter bought something with an extra little bag, she gave me one too.

Then we went to the second hand shop. I like to look around, wonder which people use the items.
Found small cups and saucers I liked and while he was wrapping the different elements, with care, we joked and had fun. His face relaxed, and it was like he went 10 years younger.

When I was at home and unwrapped the small cups I saw printed on the paper:
'Listen to your instincts'.

Time to ask the cardiologist of the other hospital if he still wants me as a patient.
And follow his advice whether he wants me to stay with this nephrologist or move to a nephrologist of the other hospital too.
I'm done shopping.

He compared himself with the world.

2018-03-05T23:00:00.000+01:00

So our car broke down during the cold weather of last week and my second son was planning to come this afternoon to see what was the matter. It's not freezing anymore, so something that was frozen would be defrosted.

I didn't dare to do some work for the phone service as he might walk in with a lot of noise.

And later in the afternoon I started to get ready for the meeting. I kind of forgot that the bus takes such a lot of time. So I had to hurry to be in time at the busstop.
I arrived in time at the hospital, could walk through straight away, and was told by the secretary to find a bread I like. (No rucola).

It was nice to see the others again, and it was good the other woman was not present. It created a far more relaxed atmosphere.

He came in rather early, took a chair outside the circle and that surprised me.

When he arrived he shook hands with every person. His boss shook his hand and called him by his first name. When he arrived at me he was surprised. With a bright smile I shook his hand and sad 'hi ...mentioning his first name, we know each other.'

He finished his studies two years ago. He looks a lot older, so I guess he had a different job before this.
He didn't work with patients, but was advisor of the board. When I worked there at the hospital that was the job for those who could learn well, but didn't have the human skills to deal with patients. So I think he needs to make 'patient hours' and that's why he works at the other hospital.
I might be wrong...

He started with a photo of a tropical island, telling that in the past he had to use a travelshop, but nevertheless he went there often. But now he can book online. To show that the world has become more digital. I started grinning, as one could say he compared himself with the world. LOL!

He's working on a project to digitalise patient care.... When I told him that I missed a good psychosocial care plan, he didn't understand that that is more than psychological care.
That gave me the feeling: get me on the development team, because you don't know one bloody thing about emotion.

I asked him why they want to go digital to a high level. when they can't deal with simple emails to the cardiologist. He didn't like the question. "You can't just plunge patients into an all digital care-world when you can't fit a low level of digital patient care into the present world.'

I had the expected sharp moments and they were good. He was not able to deal with them, but his boss picked it up.
He was speaking about patients dealing with changes in medication themselves. I said that I thought he was creating a world which can't exist when cardiologists tell patients they're not able to give them the knowledge they want in 10 minutes.
And there were some more moments like that.
It was not only paytime, but I mainly was criticizing a researchplan the way I would have done with my own students. It has been my job for 5 years.

I wonder about the psychological consequences of what they want. Waking up and your phone asks you if you have breathing difficulties..... Would maker me feel more ill than I am... He said it would take just a few seconds to answer, but he doesn't have any understanding I don't want that in the morning, because I would feel the patient and forget to be grateful I'm still alive.

In the meantime I've got an invitation of the patient care coordinator of my hospital to talk about this last consult. Used it as an example why there is more to patient care than just having a consultation. The hospital wants to change communication into more patient driven care. So the patient tells what he or she needs and the doctor replies. But the doctor needs to be able to deal with this.

Went home in the car of a very nice colleague. Took 15 minutes instead of the 1,5 hour with the bus.

So all in all a worthwhile day.

.

Not nice, but had a good laugh.

2018-03-04T00:17:00.000+01:00

Considering that I don't feel well, need to get rid of the high blood pressure (Yes, the systolic pressure is very high), and I have to do a lot of other things that take a lot of time, I decided to call in ill for the meeting of tomorrow evening.

Then I saw the agenda... stating that my new cardiologist is guest speaker on new ways of consultations with heart failure patients.

Not nice, but had a good laugh.

He'll get some very interesting questions...

Made an appointment with one of our local political leaders for thursday.
Her invited me after a through comment on one of his online fb-posts.

On friday the nephrologist is planned.

We had a nice weekend, as the other part of the twin came and stayed here until this evening.
Her leg is finally healing with the help of the physiotherapist.
It was very relaxed.
But the blood pressure stayed far too high and I got swollen feet and legs. Not good....
Counting down to friday...

.

Still amazed

2018-02-23T00:14:00.000+01:00

I'm still amazed about what happened yesterday.
Telling me he doesn't want to inform me fully about the way my heart has changed, because he just has 10 minutes.
And stating it's the national system not to cooperate with other disciplines.

I bet he didn't know my files at all, just like my former cardiologist. And he didn't know why I was referred to him. Otherwise he would have started with that.

He didn't say a thing about the EKG. Didn't compare it with the former one. Certainly didn't make an interpretation, but just went with the computerdiagnosis. Which is not accurate.
I wasn't told anything about my blood pressure.

In fact he didn't do anything useful.

Let's wait if he contacted the nephrologist. She's, according to other people, very good in cooperating for the wellbeing of the patient.

.

Another cardiologist...another disappointment

2018-02-22T23:00:00.000+01:00

I was open awaiting the new cardiologist.
Found him on internet and he seemed to be nice.
Worked at a center that not only is technically advanced, but also renowned for its good care.

Arrived in time, was called in in time by the nurse. Weight, EKG, blood pressure.
Some chatting. I sensed something I couldn't put my finger on.

The guy came in. Smile, hand, OK.
I asked how long he was staying. 'A year, and when I do OK, longer.'
'I'm working for a heart organisation. So we have to send fanmail to the head of the department to make you stay...'
He asked why I wanted to know and I told him my experience with people who need to clear up the waiting list, that they don't know the files and just do something to make you stay away for another half year.
Saw that sudden something in his eyes that made me think he didn't know my files.

Then he started to ask if I could sleep.. said I didn't sleep well.
'Can you sleep flat?'
I always could sleep flat, even when I was dying, I couldn't sleep on my left side, and now I can most of the time.
Did I ever get dizzy or fall. Told him I fall once in a few months, just out of the blue.
If I did something like walking or bicycling. 'I'm not bicycling much, as I don't want to fall from a bicycle, and my hip often hurts too much'

He was just checking symptoms... he didn't even know why I was there!

So I told him that I was not happy with the way things were going with my medication. That the first cardiologist told me to review it after a year and it wasn't done, as the second cardiologist didn't dare to change anything.
To my surprise I got a love song about my second cardiologist. He was so good, so experienced.... He knew what he was doing. 'Yea, ignoring a kidney insufficiency for 3 years, denying it completely.
He never told me anything. that's why I asked to sit down with the new cardiologist to go through the imagery and see what happened with my heart, what changed in time, how it is now.'
'We just have 10 minutes for each patient...I have 17 more patients to see'... so in fact he said: ' I won't take the time to tell you how your heart is doing.'
He told me I should be happy to know I came from a very bad heart up to now. My output is reasonably good.

Well...isn't that nice?

And my arteries were clean, very clean.
Yes, that's what the written report of that time starts with, as they expected cluttered arteries and I had none. (5 years ago)

I felt I was shutting up again. He didn't listen to what I said.
I don't want to be told to be happy I'm still alive. Been there, done that.
I want to see with my both eyes what has happened with my heart. I've seen how it was, saw the movie during an information afternoon for heart failure patients as an example of a dying heart. (!!!!!) after I saw it with my cardiologist.
That was all.
It's MY heart, my insurance paying for his time.
What do I need to do to see what I want to see: ask the head of the department for half an hour of a cardiologist? Or just give me the movies and photos. I can interpret them pretty well. Did my studies...

Then he came back on my question about diminishing medication.
'You can do without the furosemide'. It's a waterpill. Added to the pile of the rest because I started to keep water. I got 40 mg a day, turned it back to 20 in 2 days. Can't do with less.
Discussed it with the nephro-nurse and she wanted to keep me on it, as did the doctors. So I told him nephrology wanted that to stay, as they did one of the other pills the former cardiologist wanted to throw out.
'Your advices go against each other. Why can't cardiology and nephrology work together? I'd rather have one consultation each year with the two of you, discussing matters and sitting in each other's hair, than me stuck in between two disciplines giving opposite advices.'

'But we don't work that way in our health care system. We each do our job and that is it. That's the system.'
'That doesn't make it right. It doesn't benefit the patient. When my heart gets better and my kidneys worse, what's the use?'

So he felt he had to talk with the nephrologist.
'I call her, but I'm not sure I can get in contact.'
I mumbled that mail is invented for that. He had me say it again.
'To reach someone by mail is even worse.'
I gave up...
Maybe he hasn't found out the benefits of mailing in the medical world.

'I came here to exchange Metoprolol for something else, as it makes me feel depressed.'
That's why I was referred to him.
Not a kind word, just; 'you'll hear it on monday'.
'See you in 6 months.'

Well, I'll guess he sees me walking past his room when I'm on my way to speak at the information afternoon.

And then I walked outside, angry, disappointed. thinking I'd met another car mechanic from the fanclub of my former cardiologist.

How on earth can I feel happy my heart is doing 'reasonably well' when my kidneys have paid the prize and I feel shit?

At the toilets a woman greeted me with a nice smile. Last time I was speaking at an information afternoon she sat at the front row.
Went to the shops and visited one of the shops I used to go a lot. Retail therapy. A lot of things for a euro, so I bought 2 cookbooks for my kids. Had a bit of small talk with one of the girls. She's so kind.
Son needed toiletpaper, so I bought the largest package available.
Suppressed the need to bring it to hospital to clear away their shit.

Well, on monday I'll meet the new nephrologist.
I think I have to leave all my questions at home, not to be awarded a note in my files of being the worst patient of the hospital.
If she's not what I need, I 'll go to the other hospital.

Cardiologist is waiting there.
But right now I feel like crying against his shoulder.... Problem is: he won't mind...

Maybe I'll throw all those pills in the bin and see what happens........

.

Writing about and living it

2018-02-18T00:10:00.000+01:00

Tomorrow I should go to the dentist, a meeting, an information session, and a political evening.
I'm staying at home.
Why?
Because none of the boys wants/can drive me.

I woke up still tired.
My face hurts like hell at unexpected times. It's not when you have toothache and you eat an icecream, or drink a hot coffee, enjoy a sweet or whatever sets your toothache off. (Better to say: on).
It's a pain that either generates from the lower jaw under my ear and moved to the front, or in my left sinus, moving down.
In fact I just don't know if it's toothache or neuropathy. I don't care, I want it to stop.

None can take me to the dentist.... imagine that....
They can do what they want all day, ar ready to take dogs and cats from a friend through half the country, and me?

Not that I ask them more than the absolute necessary things. Just hospital visits and the volunteer work. Not even to bring back the awful present I got last week..., not to buy a new bra in the center of town, and certainly not to have some fun. I haven't even been to the christmas exhibition with the wonderful fairies. Haven't been to Germany to get cheap groceries.
I'm stuck at the house like a 99 year old, looking at the same walls, cleaning the stuff of others, and solving their problems too. What I don't move away stays...
I don't have the money to use a taxi.

One of the girls has hurt her leg two weeks ago. She's a dancer. It still hurts a lot and I suspect one or more muscles to be torn. A hospital visit is planned for tomorrow, she wants me to go with her.
I gladly skip the dentist to go with her, but she's in another town, an even when I would go by train, I have to walk a distance that's too much for me.

So I woke up feeling like my life has no purpose, but to be there for others.
They don't care to spend half an hour to get me somewhere to get rid of my pain or to assist their sister.
I work hard to write articles for magazine that shouldn't be filled with my stuff.
I'm happy not to have such an ego that I want my name under each and every written piece, but it would be nice to experience a paid job, instead of working many hours a day for nothing. I need money to move to a place where I can be happy. I want to be in nature, not in this stone city, with loud neighbours and never silence.

There is so much that bugs me (kids wanting the drill and not bringing it back, so I have photo's and other stuff waiting to be put on the wall, etc etc.).

Maybe I've got some flu, maybe...whatever... but I felt depressed today.
I miss someone of my own age to talk to for hours, I miss being hungry (thanks kidneys), I miss a relaxed time...

I heard the geese fly... and oh, how much I wanted to fly with them.

But I was writing articles, about heart disease and genetics and, how ironic, about depression.

Well, mailed the dentist that I want an appointment and asked if he wanted to prescribe antibiotics before extracting a molar. The articles of today are done. Tomorrow I'll have to find photos and maybe write more. And do all sorts of other things that need to be done and I can do from home, waiting for my daughter to call to tell me what the orthopod said.
And make a list of questions for the new cardiologist and nephrologist (thursday and next week monday). Why they refuse to treat the anemia is one of them.

I want a better quality of life...

Oh no!! - day

2018-02-15T23:00:00.000+01:00

This was a typical 'Oh no! - Day'.

I couldn't sleep, to begin with. Went downstairs to eat something, because sometimes it's a low blood sugar that keeps me awake. Found out is was snowing...a tiny, little bit.

All gone an hour later...

Tried to write my articles and I was too tired.
So I made a call for the telephone service, which was perfectly OK.
In the afternoon I was yawning so much that the tears in my eyes prevented reading my own stuff.

Tried to take a nap, had a nap (yeay!!) and woke up with pain in my jaw. Didn't know if it was neuropathy (my feet were hurting like hell too) or tooth ache.

No way I could find out. One of my daughters has hurt her knee last week and she had her whole leg full of large blue patches. I told her to go to the doctor again. She didn't. Argued that the doctor spoke about a contusion of her knee and it was done.
The past week she had a lot of pain and it didn't get less, today she saw new blood patches under her skin, moving downwards. So there's a fresh bleeding in the leg. Probably torn muscles.
She's a dancer!!!

So we told her to call the doc and have a referral for the ER.
The woman taking the call...told her to go to the doctor tomorrow....

In the meantime one of my sons arrived here to fetch the car to drive her to the ER. I was hanging clothes and putting my pills in the bag to go with him. So he could return home.

Mu tooth ache became a lot worse. Painkiller I took didn't work, so I had to take something which is not good for my kidneys. Under normal circumstances I take it at the first sign of a problem and that's it, but the nurse didn't want me to take it. So now the problem is far worse.

I hate going to the dentist. Had a very good and kind one in the past, but he works in Toronto now. If someone would pay my flight I would hurry to him with my mouth open and sit there reasonably relaxed until he had fixed my whole mouth.

Before him I had two female butchers...eh dentists. They demolished my left bottom jaw, so I couldn't have an implant there, and they not only gave me loads of fears for the dentist, but also a lot of anger.
After my beloved dentist I got one of his pupils who was even more fixated on cars and money, than on being a kind person. Most of the time he's very kind to me, because he knows I know where he comes from, but sometimes he's not the guy I want to have as a dentist.
When I wanted him to remove the molar which is hurting now, he refused. I understand why. The roots are turned outward. So he can't just pull the thing out, but has to work on it. And he doesn't know what it will do with my jaw.

Then I got my heartproblems, and I didn't think it was worth to invest the money and effort in my teeth, as I wouldn't live long anyway.
The fear crept in, then kidney problems, so a lot of medication is a no-no.
Then I had no money.
The insurance pays a bit, but not everything. I just don't have the money to create a fancy supermarket mouth, as I call the dental look of the moment. Most of my teeth are good, but just like one of my daughters I was born with some dental oddities. Didn't change some teeth and molars, so I still have my kid's teeth, and they're bad. The one hurting is one of them.

So I'll start with sending the practice my list of medications.
And then I have to go and face the guy's tremendous car and ego.
Well, I like his fancy car...not his ego.
And I don't fancy the bill... for a hole.

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