Actor Hugh Laurie has signed a deal to record a blues album. The 51-year-old, self-taught musician will team up with a range of guest stars for the New Orleans blues album, which he will record this summer. (via BBC)

Please, please, please! Duet album with Steven Seagal.

Capitalism: A Love Story and Manufacturing Dissent.

The first is Michael Moore’s best “documentary” since Roger and Me, skewering capitalism in an entertaining thesis that doesn’t derail into self-indulgence, unlike his previous efforts including what I thought was the mostly awful Bowling for Columbine. The most important part of the movie for me was his point that democracy and capitalism are simply not the same thing, and I thought the movie makes that case eloquently. (Thank goodness someone is pointing that out!) However, just in case you are suddenly seduced into ignoring Moore’s penchant for manipulating facts to make his point (at least he doesn’t make them up completely like his enemy pundits on the right) there is finally a good documentary about the man himself, told from a very objective viewpoint by one of his (former) fans…in other words, it isn’t another hateful look at the man designed by some crazy right-winger to get Glenn Beck’s approval, but rather a very insightful, thoughtful look at the filmmaker and his works. The most interesting part of Manufacturing Dissent are all the interviews with his friends and co-workers that represent both sides of the Michael Moore coin. He is revered for what he has set out to accomplish, but seems mostly reviled for his obsession with his own celebrity and what can only be described as hypocrisy (he presents himself as an everyman with his blue collar clothes and baseball caps, but he lives the lavish lifestyle of a Hollywood millionaire.)

Enjoy the Dayquil! (It is not necessary to take the stuff in order to enjoy these films…but I highly recommend it.)

A sexual harassment case made against actor Steven Seagal, whose credits include Under Siege and Flight of Fury, have been dropped. (via BBC)

One could say that Steven is Above The Law now that he is no longer Under Siege from his former assistant who was Out For Justice after accusing him of unwelcome advances toward her Fire Down Below.  Clearly, this was an Executive Decision to save everyone the Exit Wounds of a public trial. We have truly avoided a Black Dawn. Hopefully, no one involved will feel the need to seek Urban Justice. I’d hate to see anyone Pistol Whipped On Deadly Ground until they were Half Past Dead.

The Film Pigs take a clearly intellectually superior special guest to a cartoon show. And the 3-D makes their hangovers much worse. (IMDb)

In Hellbound, Chuck Norris is electrifying as Sgt. Shatter, a tough-as-nails pimp-slapping Chicago detective who gets caught up in an ancient battle between good an evil. Because a demon throws a prostitute out a window and onto the hood of his car. Because demons have a terrible problem keeping a low profile while waiting for their plans of hell on earth to come together. Which is why you can vanquish them with karate. In Israel. This movie makes no sense.

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Superman Batman Public Enemies is brief, just over an hour, but provides some classic cartoon action mayhem, tailor made for a nerd like me. Lex Luthor in this story is the damn president of the United States and declares our heroes to be public enemies! Hilarious! And sad, too, because if Lex Luthor was real I wouldn’t put it past my country to actually elect him into office. The colors pop, the violence is plentiful, and the cartoon chicks kind of give me a boner, which I realize is completely stupid, but whatever. And there are a bunch of these animated features from both the DC and Marvel camps, and I’m enjoying all of them. I especially recommend looking at these things on Blu-ray, because animation just pops in high def (all of it does, The Princess and the Frog is just amazing to look at.) As an action movie junkie who feels like modern action pictures have abandoned me with their frenetic camera work and jumpy editing, it’s nice to see stuff that I can follow visually. Even if it is just a cartoon.

Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) is a notorious underground thrill-seeker who, until now, has been deemed untouchable by the law. But when crack NSA Agent Gibbons convinces Cage to infiltrate a ruthless Russian crime ring, this new breed of secret agent (code name: XXX) takes down the enemies of justice with a vengeance in this high-octane, turbo-charged thrill ride from the acclaimed director of The Fast and the Furious.

What it should say:

Xander Cage (Vin Diesel, a man named after an internal combustion engine) is notorious for referring to himself in the third-person in interviews, and here he plays a character who does the same thing. He has been deemed untouchable by the law. (That last sentence is cool sounding string of words that makes no sense and means nothing.)  But when Sam Jackson, an actor who plays supporting roles in every single franchise he possibly can because eventually he hopes to have enough money to actually own the entire solar system, convinces Cage to infiltrate a ruthless Russian crime ring that Asia Argento is a part of, but don’t think you’ll get to see her naked because even though this movie is called XXX it is rated PG-13, so if you want to see those boobies you’ll have to rent one of those Italian pictures she did with her father (which has got to qualify as one of the creepiest relationships since Woody Allen married his step-daughter.)  This new breed of secret agent (code name: XXX, which is a code name that means nothing but looks awesome splashed across billboards and makes people want to go to see it because it makes them think of porn) takes down the enemies of justice with a vengeance in this high-octane, turbo-charged thrill ride that you will only half pay attention to because when things aren’t exploding you’ll start thinking about your mortgage problems. It’s from the acclaimed director of The Fast and the Furious. (By “acclaimed” we mean “has made the studio tons of money.”)

Why can’t an attractive scientist couple create half-humans in a lab without fear that fucking their experiments will somehow be a bad idea? Goddamn you, science! (IMDb)

Dynamic Charlie Sheen (The Three Musketeers, Young Guns, TV’s Spin City) delivers fast-paced excitement to this high-flying action-adventure! Sheen stas as Ditch Brodie, a daredevil skydiving instructor who falls hard when a sexy, mysterious beauty (Nastassja Kinski) walks through his door looking for a lesson–and apparently plunges to her death during a parachute jump! Suddenly, Sheen finds himself hurled headlong into a nightmare world of intrigue and deceit–caught in a deadly game of cat and mouse with the Russian mafia! With pulse-pounding suspense and sensational skydiving, high-speed adventrue doesn’t move any faster than Terminal Velocity!

What it should say:

Charlie Sheen is crazy!

View more news videos at: http://www.nbclosangeles.com/video.

The Chinese Theatre won’t be the same without those costumed rapscallions.

Don’t Act: 101 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t (Amazon.com)

You can also get it through Kindle if you want.

It’s the greatest book of all time!

Old Tonn did a regional spot that will only air in Atlanta…thought you Pigs fans that don’t live there might want to see it. Wouldn’t want you to miss the opportunity for posting your snarky comments.

Turns out, sequels are almost never as good as the original! Even when the original wasn’t that big a deal to begin with! Who knew? (The Pigs knew. But they like to point the same things out over and over again…) (IMDb)

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Most Obnoxious Mechanical Thing In A Movie

The best thing about LAC is that it is composed mostly of long, boring scenes of people talking which get interrupted once in a while by scenes of terrible violence and/or gore. The director’s cut shows way more gore than the theatrical release (steak bone, I’m looking in your direction). Plus, you get to play an interesting thought experiment where you try to explain why Gerard Butler keeps getting to make high-profile studio pictures when they do nothing but bomb (Answer: he’s pretty).

NOTE: This Film Pigs commentary is for the “Unrated Director’s Cut” on the 2-disc Blu-Ray and not the theatrical release. We felt it was important to force ourselves to sit through the director’s true vision.

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Horror-meister John Carpenter (Halloween, Escape From New York) teams Kurt Russell’s outstanding performance with incredible visuals to build this chilling version of the classic The Thing. In the winter of 1982, a twelve-man research team at a remote Antartic research station discovers an alien buried in the snow for over 100,000 years. Once unfrozen, the form-changing alien wreaks havoc, creates terror, and becomes one of them.

What it should say:

Horror-meister John Carpenter (who made a bunch of awesome movies in the seventies, and a few really cool ones in the eighties and then did that terrible Ghosts of Mars in the nineties and then sort of dropped off the radar which made Todd Robert Anderson very sad because he’s a big fan but then sort of resurfaced when Hollywood started making these unbelievably sub-par remakes of his classics in the new millenium) teams Kurt Russell’s outstanding performance (and make no mistake, Kurt Russell is always awesome even in junk like Tango & Cash, Used Cars, and Poseidon) with incredible visuals (and what makes them incredible is that they are all practical effects and utilize no CGI because it wasn’t available at the time and as a result remain unmatched three decades later) to build this chilling version of the classic The Thing. (Which was actually called The Thing from another world! but given that this is a bare-bones, after-thought re-release, the person Universal hired to write this blurb didn’t bother doing any fact checking–but give the poor guy a break, he had to write three whole sentences and there just wasn’t enough time.) In 1982, a certain family-friendly alien became box office gold and when this alien terror show was released right afterwards, no one wanted to see it, but amazingly it has stood the test of time and is considered a classic, which in Todd Robert Anderson’s subjective opinion, it absolutely is. Of course, because Universal knows it will only get so much money for this Blu-ray disc from sci-fi horror nerds, they didn’t include any of the juicy extras from the last DVD release. They’ll probably re-release it again in a year or so with all those extras and the sci-fi dorks will pony up yet again instead of teaching these fuckers a lesson, leaving Universal stuck with thousands of copies of discs they can’t sell because they are cynical bastards. And Todd Robert Anderson read somewhere that they are planning on doing a “prequel.” That is the dumbest idea of all time.

More importantly…why does Todd Robert Anderson keep referring to himself in the third person?

The Pigs curse their way through a review of the latest movie to get trumped at the box office by whatever is in 3-D. Secretly, Todd had believed this would be two in a row that the Pigs enjoyed, but once again Hollywood has dashed his dreams. Skelton makes it clear he loves robots. And Falk talks about some French thing he watched. (IMDb)

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Movie That Disappointed You The Most

Steven Seagal: Lawman on A&E. I’ve never seen so many people thrilled to be arrested before in my life. This show is awesome!

2. Possible career resurrection through connection to Quentin Tarantino.

He’s cast in the feature-length version of MACHETE from Robert Rodriguez, produced by Quentin Tarantino. This picture looks like an attempt at a two-for-one career save, as Lindsay Lohan is on the cast list as well.

3. Sex scandal with a lipstick lesbian.

Accused of sexual assault by a personal assistant who answered a job posting on Craigslist.

A former model accused actor Steven Seagal of using her as his “sex toy” after she was hired to be his assistant, a lawsuit filed this week said. – via CNN.com

The best part is the accuser was last seen on an episode of the Tyra Banks show where she claimed:

“I can use my sex appeal to get any girl that I want and trick any guy to getting what I want.” – via TMZ

I don’t care what anyone says, Steven Seagal is not just a cook.

Get swept up in the action as Morgan Freeman, Christian Slater, Randy Quaid and Minnie Driver race against time and the elements in this high-energy thrill ride where survival and money are at the core of it all.

The setting is the flood-ravaged, evacuated town of Huntingburg, where Tom (Slater), an armored car driver, is in deep danger. A gang of thieves (led by Freeman) figures the flood is their chance to heist the money Tom is transporting from local banks. But there’s one thing the gun-carrying criminals didn’t count on – Tom. Come hell or high water, he’s determined to deliver the money entrusted to him. But before he does, he’ll have to survive a relentless pursuit filled with close calls, floods, uncertain loyalties and heart-stopping heroics.

And here’s what it should say:

Get swept up in the one movie that makes it clear why a lot of the current releases starring Morgan Freeman, Christian Slater, Randy “I Ain’t Paying My Hotel Bill” Quaid and Minnie Driver go straight to video. Watch them fill up running time in this color-by-numbers ride where money is at the core of it all.  In fact, at one point in the movie Morgan Freeman actually shouts, “We just want the money!”

The setting is the flood-ravaged, evacuated sound stage of some big studio lot, where Tom (Slater), an armored car driver, is in deep Jack Nicholson-aping mode. A gang of thieves (led by Freeman and a group of cynical marketing executives) figures the flood is their chance to heist the money Tom and that guy from The Mary Tyler Moore Show are transporting from local banks. But there’s one thing the gun-carrying criminals (as opposed to all the criminals you see in movies that don’t carry guns) didn’t count on – Tom. Come hell or high water, he’s determined to deliver the money entrusted to him (and sadly, this movie makes Armored, cinema’s most current armored car driver actioner, look like an even bigger piece of crap than it was.) But before he does, he’ll have to survive a relentless pursuit filled with close cliches, floods, uncertain cliches and heart-stopping cliches. But hey, all the chases involving motor boats and jet-skis are kind of fun.

The Film Pigs see Hot Tub Time Machine and party like its 1986!

Like those flash-sideways-es on the last season of Lost where the characters live out different lives in a parallel universe, the Film Pigs go to a movie during the daylight, are sober, and enjoy the picture!

Also, it’s revealed that Skelton’s 1996 Honda Civic is like a cork that prevents the smoke monster from destroying all life on earth. Which might explain why he’s got that broken Egyptian statue in his trunk.

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Favorite Crispin Glover Performance

It opens with the original movie’s star, Rider Strong (if that’s your name and you aren’t a porn actor, they what’s that say about the size of your dork?), running in front of a school bus and exploding like a big bubble of blood.  And then the virus (or whatever it’s supposed to be that makes everything so disgusting) takes a trip to the prom, and we are treated to endless gore, including near constant vomiting of blood, brutal killings with exploding heads, and unfortunate morons disintegrating as a result of whatever the hell it is that tainted the town’s water.  Other highlights include a sex scene in a pool with a morbidly obsese girl that my friends and I came to call “White Precious” and a scene in a bathroom where a sickly boy takes out his penis to show his friends that it is bleeding and draining pus as a result of a blow job he shouldn’t have accepted.  My friends and I were screaming with disgust the entire time, and if that isn’t the kind of magical visceral reaction motion pictures are supposed to elicit, I don’t know what is.  If you are easily nauseated, by all means stay the hell away from this thing, but if you love a good gross-out you can only do slightly better…

Which brings me to another movie, which technically isn’t DTV because it had an extremely limited theatrical release, but damn it is a good time.  Troma’s Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead is exactly as dumb as it sounds, and how wonderfully dumb it is.  Like most of Troma’s releases, it is relentlessly politically incorrect, putting the worst racist jokes, sexist jokes and homophobic jokes on display, and when they run out of that crap they make the proceedings about nudity and/or diarrhea.  The acting is terrible, the movie is overlong and meanders all over the place, and every joke drops like rock.  It is perfect.  And there are songs.  My wife made me shut it off after twenty minutes because all the puking and shitting and blood-letting made her sick.  And she’s a tough chick, too, but this proved too much for her.  Not for me, of course.  I watched the rest while eating lunch the next day.  I haven’t laughed that much in a while, at least not all in one sitting.

Did I mention there were lesbians?

Lots of love, Tonn

Amazing! I was unable to fully articulate just why I didn’t like Avatar before this! Thanks Mars Hill Church! You’ve opened my eyes to ludicrous religious intolerance! I will likewise focus my fear and derision on pop-culture nonsense! Praise Jesus and TiVo!

Former 1980s teen movie actor and heartthrob Corey Haim died early Wednesday, authorities said. (via CNN)

It’s a strange feeling, like hearing about the passing of someone you knew in high school but haven’t talked to in years.

Plus, it has the original Tron: Bruce FUCKING Boxleitner! AND cranky old Jeff Bridges vs. possibly-evil YOUNG Jeff Bridges Computer Program. And No. 13 from “House M.D.” dressed like a neon porn star from a Stanley Kubrick wet dream.

I don’t know why Disney thought making a big-budget sequel to a nearly 30-year-old movie that was only moderately successful in theaters was a good idea, but my inner 10-year-old kind of wants to return to Flynn’s Arcade even though most everybody else I know either hasn’t seen the original Tron or thinks it’s stupid.

However, my outer 38-year-old is positive the 3D will give me a headache. Fucking Avatar….

Due to a terrible, alcohol fueled argument before we started vlogging, the Pigs found themselves in a crankier than normal place. In essence, Shutter Island drove a wedge between them. We guess the twist ending of Shutter Island is that it destroys friendships. Jesus, the band is breaking up! Martin Scorcese is our Yoko. But whatever, here it is anyway.