Plus, it has the original Tron: Bruce FUCKING Boxleitner! AND cranky old Jeff Bridges vs. possibly-evil YOUNG Jeff Bridges Computer Program. And No. 13 from “House M.D.” dressed like a neon porn star from a Stanley Kubrick wet dream.

I don’t know why Disney thought making a big-budget sequel to a nearly 30-year-old movie that was only moderately successful in theaters was a good idea, but my inner 10-year-old kind of wants to return to Flynn’s Arcade even though most everybody else I know either hasn’t seen the original Tron or thinks it’s stupid.

However, my outer 38-year-old is positive the 3D will give me a headache. Fucking Avatar….

Due to a terrible, alcohol fueled argument before we started vlogging, the Pigs found themselves in a crankier than normal place. In essence, Shutter Island drove a wedge between them. We guess the twist ending of Shutter Island is that it destroys friendships. Jesus, the band is breaking up! Martin Scorcese is our Yoko. But whatever, here it is anyway.

And the climax of that picture featured this completely preposterous chase sequence in the tops of trees, which was amusingly dumb, but devoid of any tension whatsoever.  Any-hoo, when I sat down with the direct-to-video sequel I was expecting an even lower budget affair without even the big dumb ending of the original. I suppose low expectations are key here…because I was surprised at how entertained I was.

This one is actually even more of a rip-off of the original Massacre, right down to the crazy dinner scene where our heroine is tied to a chair and forced to take part in the cannibalistic hullabaloo.  And they threw in a little of Texas Chainsaw 2 for good measure, with Henry Rollins turning in an energetic and hilarious performance as the stand-in for Dennis Hopper’s character.  The gore comes fast and furious, the inbred freaks sound even more ridiculous with their yelps and screams, and the pretties are just as pretty although probably a lot less expensive.  There is one “annoying guy” who I think is supposed to be the comic relief, but being that the movie is kind of silly there is no need for any sort of relief and “annoying guy” winds up being just that.  But that works in a strange way because it was wonderful to watch him die.

There is something satisfying about a shameless rip-off that tries to disguise nothing and instead spends all its energy on its exploitation elements.  And did I mention how much fun Henry Rollins is?  He’s carved out this fun straight-to-video horror guy acting career for himself.  Normally I get aggravated when I see singers and rappers taking work from real actors, but Rollins seems to really love being in grotesque junk, so I’m going to let him slide.  Plus, he could kick my ass, so slide he must.

Until next time, my sofa with bong water and cum stains is closed.

Love actually, Tonn

“As long as I’m alive, and as long as I’m rich, the New Beverly will be there, showing double features in 35mm,” Tarantino said. (from The Hollywood Reporter)

He’d already been paying the rent for some time, then just bought the place outright to keep the family-run place going. I’ve bashed his last few movies, but have to give the man credit for walking the walk. You don’t see Paul McCartney taking out his ludicrously giant wallet to save Abbey Road.

Based on the 1980s toy line (much like the other wildly expensive and brain damaging Transformers franchise), G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra tells the story of a bunch of assholes with a shitload of corporate money who want to take over the world for no discernible reason and the bunch of assholes with a shitload of government money who want to stop them. There are also nanobots.

The worst part of G.I. Joe is how forgettable it is, even during the viewing. Fun drinking game: every time Falk asks any variation of “Wait…is that Sienna Miller?”, take a drink.

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Gerard Butler (300, RocknRolla) stars as Kable, condemned criminal and globally famous super-soldier in the ultimate multiplayer game, “Slayers.” Human controllers direct each though and move of real-life prison inmates battling in hyper-intense environments–where the goal is freedom and the penalty is death. But when Kable suddenly decides he wants out, his rebellion threates the twisted plans of game creator Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall, TV’s “Dexter”), who will stop at nothing to crush the renegade commando in this taut, adrenaline-packed action-thriller.

What it should say:

Gerard Butler (who starred in 300 when he wasn’t famous, and has since gone on to star in a long string of box office failures but Hollywood keeps hiring him anyway because they just can’t seem to find an adequate replacement for Sly Stallone) stars as Kable, condemned criminal and globally famous super-soldier (remember that movie Soldier with Kurt Russell? Mmmm.  Kurt Russell)  in the ultimate multiplayer game, “Slayers.” We’d go on to explain the plot here in detail because there is no way you will be able to decipher it yourself by merely watching the movie, but what’s the point, really?  The movie was made by the guys who made the Crank movies, which means you’ll have fun no matter how stupid it is (provided that you have a good sense of humor and like exploitation movies) because they’ll put in tons of gratuitous nudity, sex, revolting gore and odd cameos from television actors (James Roday, anyone?)  Also, there’s Michael C. Hall, from TV’s “Dexter.”  But do you really need that guy at all when their are boobs and exploding heads?  The answer is no.  No, you don’t.

Underworld’s Kate Beckinsale plays a U.S. Marshal based at an Antarctic research station, where the continent’s first-ever murder triggers a shocking mystery she must race to solve before being stranded with six months of winter darkness–and a killer–closing in. Dominic Sena (Swordfish) directs a talented cast including Gabriel Macht, Tom Skerritt and Alex O’Loughlin in Dark Castle Entertainments’s action-packed thriller.

What it should say:

Underworld’s and Underworld 2’s but not Underworld 3’s (because they found an actress that looks just like her and can do the same mediocre job for a quarter of the price) Kate Beckinsale rather unbelievably plays a U.S. Marshal (because people as porcelain doll-gorgeous as Kate Beckinsale don’t need to work for a living so they don’t get regular jobs, and certainly not ones in the public service) based at an Antarctic research station in an area of the Antarctic that looks exactly like Northern Canada, where the continent’s first-ever murder triggers a shocking mystery she must race to solve before being stranded with six months of winter darkness that you never get a genuine feeling for because most of the impending storm looks a lot like a computer generated cartoon because that’s exactly what it is–and a killer that unless you’ve never seen a movie before you know precisely who he is within the first five minutes of the running time–closing in. Dominic Sena (Swordfish) directs a movie in which there is a gratuitous shower sequence but no gratuitous nudity because Dark Castle Entertainment wouldn’t cough up the same half a million dollars that Sena had access to in order to get a big star to show her boobs in the movie referenced above in parenthesis.

The Film Pigs go see the always expressionistically consistent Ethan Hawke in a vampire picture about vampires. Who conduct business. And drive Chryslers. Oddly, a movie released in the first week of January somehow isn’t that good. I mean, Todd was okay with it. (IMDb)

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: 3 Favorite Willem Dafoe Pictures

Apparently, some folks are so overwhelmed by the special-effects in Avatar that they find life in the real world more depressing afterwards. Strangely enough, I didn’t feel any different about life in the real world after seeing Avatar. However, since reading this article about people being so emotionally affected by Avatar, I have fallen into a deep, deep depression.

On the upside, Jennifer Love Hewitt has bedazzled her vagina.

Via Huffington Post

The Pigs walk in with medium hopes and emerge as grumpy Smurfs. This one will piss people off. We’re sorryish. (IMDb)

Like the Mist, the entire story takes place in a supermarket, and there are a few twists and turns to keep you guessing as to what might happen next.  There are a few fun monster effects, and its short running time will actually leave you wanting a few more minutes.   Maybe eight or even nine. It isn’t until well after you’ve finished the picture and your fourth scotch that you will suddenly realize, “There wasn’t one original idea in the whole damn movie!”  But who cares?  It’s a great time.

And here is a point of interest that will most likely only interest me because I am the only person it pertains to but I’m writing it anyway: the supporting character Logan is portrayed by Tom Kiesche (who manages to give this throwaway character with little screen time some very discernable layers) and he actually wrote a play I did back in New York more than fifteen years ago.  It was good to see him!

And I don’t care that you don’t care.

Love always, Todd

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Silent Night, Deadly Night takes us back to a simpler time, when ghostbusting was king and traversing the space-time continuum in modified DeLoreans was commonplace. In the early 80s, no one thought twice about a dusty old nun whipping two naked teenagers with a leather belt, or of wearing cheap sweaters with no undershirts or bras. We were too busy fighting Communism when, in retrospect, we should have been paying more attention to drunken, murderous Santa Clauses. Happy holidays!

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If this movie is half as bonkers as Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans, I’m in.

* UPDATE *

Looks like they killed the original trailer, so enjoy this just-as-badass one:

The Film Pigs go to the “art house” to see a Herzog picture (IMDb)…but who cares? Steven Seagal is: LAWMAN!

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Best & Worst Nic Cage Performance

Big oil means big money.  Very big money. And that fact unleashes corruption that stretches from Houston to Washington to the Mideast – and ensnares industrialists, princes, spies, politicos, oilfield laborers and terrorists in a deadly, deceptive web of move and countermove.

George Clooney (Academy Award and Golden Globe winner as Best Supporting Actor), Matt Damon and Jeffrey Wright lead a stellar cast in a lightning-paced, whip-smart thriller written and directed by Traffic Academy Award winner Stephen Gaghan.  From its very first scene, Syriana grips your mind and nerves with an intensity that doesn’t let go for an instant.  What is the price of oil?  This “engrossing, insider’s tour of the world’s hottest spots, grandest schemes and most dangerous men” (Richard Corliss, Time) has a jolting answer.

What the DVD should say:

Movies about big oil mean mediocre money for the studios that invest in them.  Very mediocre money.  And the fact that some liberals of convenience who work over at Warner Brothers wanted to make a message film unleashes a convoluted corruption plot that stretches from Houston to Washington to the Mideast which are three places you probably don’t care to visit – and ensnares industrialists, princes, spies, politicos, oilfield laborers and terrorists who all eventually blend together until you can’t tell them apart in a confusing, hard to understand web (Spiderman makes webs) of move and countermove and counter-countermove and then back to regular move again.

George Clooney (Academy Award and Golden Globe winner as Best Supporting Actor, an honor which the Hollywood elite could have given to him for a number of other films that are easier to understand but lack that certain “importance” that an average moviegoer might refer to as “pretentious”), Matt Damon and Jeffrey Wright lead a stellar cast and Amanda Peet in a sporadically-paced thriller that thinks it is more whip-smart than it is, written and directed by Traffic Academy Award winner Stephen Gaghan (who won his Academy Award for something other than direction, because someone else entirely directed Traffic.)  From its very first scene, Syriana grips your mind and nerves with an intensity that doesn’t let go for an instant, unless you count the times you’ll look away from the television to look at a bird outside your window.  What is the price of oil?  Currently like three bucks a gallon which is insane.  But, back to the movie.  A critic might say something like this movie is an ”engrossing, insider’s tour of the world’s hottest spots, grandest schemes and most dangerous men” (Richard Corliss, who writes for a weekly news magazine that hasn’t gotten any respect from the journalistic community in decades) but he’s only saying that because if he admits he didn’t quite understand what was happening the entire time then people might think he’s stupid.

Lots of love, Tonn Slingdog

Before the blogosphere explodes in the age-old argument of which movie is worse, Terminator 3 or Terminator Salvation, let me state for the record that I think both movies are bad. However, Terminator 3 is watchable-bad (with some highly destructive stunts using real honest-to-God vehicles and a pretty well done bleak ending) while Terminator Salvation is an unwatchable mess full of nonsense CGI and a script with two A stories fighting each other for the chance to bore you to death.

That being said, I think Mostow made the right call in deleting the above scene from the final cut. It made me laugh while at the same time caused a sharp, stabbing pain in my brain.

Few things give me pure, unfiltered joy. Thank you, Muppets.

The Pigs see John Cusack destroy the hearts of 20-30something girls everywhere who still see him as Lloyd Dobler as he saves his family from the end of the world by driving a limo very fast and stealing beer from Woody Harrelson. This is one of the singularly stupidest films of all time, but kind of a blast. (IMDb)

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Favorite 70s Disaster Movie

Mark Wahlberg delivers an explosive performance in this action-packed thriller based on the legendary, hard-hitting video game.  Max Payne (Wahlberg) is a maverick cop with little regard for rules and nothing left to lose. 

Hell-bent on revenge, he’s determined to track down those responsible for the brutal murder of his family, but his obsessive investigation takes him on a nightmarish journey where dark fantasy collides with stark reality.  As the mystery deepens, Max is forced to battle enemies beyond the natural world…and face an unthinkable betrayal that will drive him to the edge of his own sanity.  This edition includes both the theatrical version and harder-hitting unrated extended cut of the film.

What it should read:

Mark Wahlberg delivers a lazy but adequate performance in this snow flurry-packed moving picture based on an all but forgotten video game.  Max Payne (Marky-Mark) is a cop cliche with little regard for rules, nothing left to lose, too close to the case, blah, blah, blah, cop, blah.  Contractually obligated to collect the paycheck, he makes one determined expression that doesn’t let up while he tracks down those responsible for the brutal murder of his underwritten family, but his color-by-numbers investigation takes him on a nightmarish journey where visuals that look like a sequel to Constantine collide with plot devices lifted from Jacob’s Ladder.  As the movie continues, Max is forced to battle enemies beyond the natural world, and by that we mean the computer generated world…and face an unthinkable betrayal (which you most likely will have thought about the minute you saw Beau Bridges for the first time) that will drive him to the edge of his own sanity but you still won’t see any difference in his expression.  This edition includes both the theatrical version and the unrated version which contains three more minutes that you won’t notice because the movie was shot to get the PG-13 rating and that’s all it will ever be.

It’s got four stories, psycho killers and werewolves and zombies and creepy children in odd costumes, oh my, and every one delivers.  They are all interconnected as well, unlike Creepshow, so many characters cross over from story to story, which I always enjoy.  The gore is fantastic and there is of course gratuitous female nudity thrown in for anyone who hasn’t realized you can see an infinite amount of hard core pornography for free on the internet. 

It is a bit a mystery why it didn’t get a theatrical release, given its production value, powerful producers and star-studded cast.  I figure because it was tongue-in-cheek and marketing departments have a hard time marketing “horror-comedy” because apparently the people that are hired to market movies can’t do their job (except when it comes to dull DIY haunted house horror pictures.  And stuff with zombies.)  I mean, shouldn’t someone who is paid to sell things be able to, I don’t know…sell things?  As we all know, I’m none to bright and can’t wrap my mind around things such as this.

In any event, Trick ‘r Treat is well worth the long Netflix wait.

Yours forever, Tonn.

Woody! Vomiting zombies! An amazing celebrity cameo! That cute chick from Superbad who sounds like she’s been smoking cigarettes for 20 years! The Film Pigs like another movie. This is getting embarrassing. (IMDb)

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Favorite Zombie Picture

Patrick Swayze, whose good looks and sympathetic performances in films such as “Dirty Dancing” and “Ghost” made him a romantic idol to millions, died Monday. He was 57.

Swayze died of pancreatic cancer, his publicist, Annett Wolf, told CNN. (via CNN)

Farewell to more 80s awesomeness. If you’ve never seen the non edited-for-television version of Road House, you haven’t lived.

You get The Ancient Dogoo Girl, who apparently fights evil with her giant bee breasts. Clearly more family-friendly than Robo Geisha.

Yours forever, Tonn