PLEASE NOTE: you may wish to put the kids to bed before screening, unless you want to expose your precious little ones to William Sadler’s inexplicably naked Tai chi routine. You’ve been warned.

Pay close attention to the snacks in this commentary – they are particularly vile and you should approach them in real life at your own risk. Learn from our mistakes.

“This is another Nic Cage thing, isn’t it?”

“He’s attached, yes.”

(audible sigh)

“But William Fichtner‘s signed on to play a supernatural accountant!”

“I LOVE Bill Fichtner. Alright, I’m greenlighting this picture. Just make sure it’s in 3D.” (IMDb)

* It’s also an excuse to stare slack-jawed at Cindy Morgan.

Unfortunately, the same issues from Monsturd remain: the ultra-low budget home movie style is made unwatchable by the entire production winking at the audience and itself in every scene. RetarDEAD is also longer than Monsturd, which doesn’t help. The Film Pigs were pretty cranky by this point and in a much less forgiving mood. Which is the exact opposite of how you’re supposed to behave during the holidays. Maybe we ate too much Monkey Bread.

NETFLIX ALERT!

This commentary was recorded while watching RetarDEAD on Netflix Watch Instantly streaming. All instructions for syncing to the movie are in the commentary, so give a listen and follow the crystal clear steps for maximum holiday cheer.

• RetarDEAD on Netflix

The Bad News: The two movies we watched are terrible and we’re complete assholes about both of them.

Monsturd tells the tale of an escaped convict who gets covered in mad scientist goo that turns him into a giant dookie creature. Okay, fine. We were on board with the premise. The problem is that both of these movies (Monsturd and its sequel, RetarDEAD) are essentially home movies that are a little too pleased with themselves to be much fun for the audience. Kind of like Film Pigs commentaries.

Stay tuned, our commentary for RetarDEAD will be posted tomorrow!

NETFLIX ALERT!

This commentary was recorded while watching Monsturd on Netflix Watch Instantly streaming. As this is a first for the Film Pigs, there is a different procedure for syncing the commentary to the movie. All instructions are in the commentary, so give a listen and follow the crystal clear steps for maximum holiday cheer.

• Monsturd on Netflix

What makes this movie so special is the presence of a fresh-faced Gabriel Olds as NPH’s only friend. This is important as Mr. Olds is a close personal friend of the Film Pigs and has joined this commentary for a behind-the-scenes look at the making of this psychological thriller. Except that he can’t remember much and mostly just eats snacks while we make fun of his hair.

Don’t be tardy to the party.

NOTE: The Animal Room is currently available on Netflix Watch Instantly for those of you in the U.S. and possibly Canada.

The most fascinating part of The Wolfman, if you can manage to keep yourself awake by repeatedly stabbing yourself in the thigh with an icepick, is Del Toro’s crazy choice of acting like he’s covered in syrup. Syrup that’s laced with horse tranquilizers. He buries his normal high-intensity so deeply, that when he finally turns into the wolfman…well, you’ve already fallen asleep and will miss all the Act III gore.

IMPORTANT NOTE: The Film Pigs watched the Unrated Director’s Cut from the Blu-ray disc for this commentary. No, we don’t know why.

None of the clearly well-researched science in this movie would be believable if Aaron Eckhart hadn’t been sporting the frosted surfer-boy locks that were so common among scientists of the early 2000s. And who knew The Next Karate Kid could pilot a train with a laser on front straight into the earth?

In Hellbound, Chuck Norris is electrifying as Sgt. Shatter, a tough-as-nails pimp-slapping Chicago detective who gets caught up in an ancient battle between good and evil. Because a demon throws a prostitute out a window and onto the hood of his car. Because demons have a terrible problem keeping a low profile while waiting for their plans of hell on earth to come together. Which is why you can vanquish them with karate. In Israel. This movie makes no sense.

The best thing about LAC is that it is composed mostly of long, boring scenes of people talking which get interrupted once in a while by scenes of terrible violence and/or gore. The director’s cut shows way more gore than the theatrical release (steak bone, I’m looking in your direction). Plus, you get to play an interesting thought experiment where you try to explain why Gerard Butler keeps getting to make high-profile studio pictures when they do nothing but bomb (Answer: he’s pretty).

NOTE: This Film Pigs commentary is for the “Unrated Director’s Cut” on the 2-disc Blu-Ray and not the theatrical release. We felt it was important to force ourselves to sit through the director’s true vision.

Based on the 1980s toy line (much like the other wildly expensive and brain damaging Transformers franchise), G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra tells the story of a bunch of assholes with a shitload of corporate money who want to take over the world for no discernible reason and the bunch of assholes with a shitload of government money who want to stop them. There are also nanobots.

The worst part of G.I. Joe is how forgettable it is, even during the viewing. Fun drinking game: every time Falk asks any variation of “Wait…is that Sienna Miller?”, take a drink.

Silent Night, Deadly Night takes us back to a simpler time, when ghostbusting was king and traversing the space-time continuum in modified DeLoreans was commonplace. In the early 80s, no one thought twice about a dusty old nun whipping two naked teenagers with a leather belt, or of wearing cheap sweaters with no undershirts or bras. We were too busy fighting Communism when, in retrospect, we should have been paying more attention to drunken, murderous Santa Clauses. Happy holidays!

If you love dull, corporate movie adaptations of dull, corporate novels for teen girls then have we got a treat for you! Twilight, the blockbuster adaptation of the bestselling novel series, brings us the story of Bella, a pale girl who is not even slightly interesting and Edward, her vampire boyfriend who glows like David Bowie in the sunlight and has a severe allergic reaction to Bella’s pungent vagina. Additionally, they both have ludicrously manicured and highly distracting eyebrows.

Dull, inoffensive teen angst is the best you can hope for these days. It’s almost like movies are being made by marketing committees that are only concerned about how much money they can make. It’s weird. At the risk of sounding old (which isn’t a risk at all, the Film Pigs ARE old), when you put Twilight next to the teen angst vampire movie of our generation, The Lost Boys (1987), there really is no comparison. Jason Patric would kick Robert Pattinson’s ass any day of the week. And his eyebrows are dreamier.

Set in a strange, alternate-reality New York City where the streets are barren after 6pm and people actually apologize for acting like assholes at the Christmas party (translation: Toronto), P2 tells the cautionary tale of why you should never be trapped in a Canadian parking garage with a psychotic killer during the holiday season. But if you are, for God’s sake just have dinner with the guy. ‘Tis the season! (IMDb)

Here are some highlights:
- Silly Elvis Impersonation By Crazy Man: 1
- Amazingly Graphic Crushed To Death By Car Scene: 1
- Stupidly Watertight Elevator: 1
- Dog Stabbing: 1
- Rolls Of Boob Tape: 4,017

Finally crossing the line into Ed Wood territory, Shyamalan actually expects the audience to feel fear and tension when he stages his characters running away from light breezes. Oh, and instead of a stupid twist ending, the ending is just stupid. In the end, The Happening has all the terror and gravity of a fabric softener commercial AND a criminally underused Alan Ruck. We love Alan Ruck. (IMDb)

Okay, this movie is stupid, even for a premise that abandons at the first frame any thought of possibly trying to be somewhat in the neighborhood of historically accurate. Even worse, it is boring. Mind-numbingly boring. Somehow, a movie that has computer generated mastodons, saber-toothed tigers, and killer ostriches is so dull it makes you pine for an auto accident-induced coma. Who would have figured that the creative genius behind Independence Day and Eight Legged Freaks was Dean Devlin? For shame, Roland Emmerich. For shame. (IMDb)

SPECIAL NOTE: Please forgive the minor distortion in the recording. Sam Elliott’s mustache simply overpowered our weak, mama’s boy microphone. We are rightfully shamed. Please forgive us Sam!

SPECIAL NOTE: Instructions for syncing playback to this DVD commentary are included during the recording. Everybody try not to swarm Kmart all at once.

BONUS: For the first time ever, the Film Pigs screw up the DVD playback and ruin the commentary!

SPECIAL NOTE: This commentary is for the Unrated Widescreen Cut DVD. According to the DVD jacket – “SickER and MORE Twisted Unrated”. TV’s Daniel Blau guest-comments and enjoys pizza rolls fresh from the oven!

SPECIAL NOTE: This commentary is for “The Outsiders – The Complete Novel (Two-Disc Special Edition)” DVD – not the theatrical release. Special features include deleted scenes and an all-new score, which sounds like the same 8-bars of surf music repeated incessantly. It’s so inappropriate for the movie we thought it was going to give our first guest commentator, Pamela Ribon, a heart attack or something.