Film School Rejects

Junkfood Cinema: Battle Beyond the Stars

2009-11-20T17:39:26Z

Editor’s Note: We hope you enjoy this new Friday afternoon column, Junkfood Cinema, by Brian Salisbury. It celebrates movies that are so bad, even though they are also sometimes so good. For more (coming each and every Friday), stay tuned to the Junkfood Cinema Archive. Also, please feel free to let us know what you think of this new weekly feature in the comment section below.

Battle Beyond the Stars

Directed by: Jimmy T. Murakami

Written by: John Sayles & Anne Dyer

Produced by: Roger Corman, Ed Carlin, & Mary Ann Fisher

Starring: George Peppard, Robert Vaughn, John Saxon, and Richard Thomas

For this second helping of Junkfood Cinema I will gorge myself on Battle Beyond the Stars. Operating a bad movie column, it was merely a matter of time before I snacked on something from the Roger Corman. He is the sultan of schlock and a genius in the art of box office manipulation. If you are unfamiliar with his work, go out and rent A Bucket of Blood, Deathrace 2000, and Humanoids From the Deep. Granted, he didn’t direct Deathrace or Humanoids, but his camp-covered fingerprints can be found all over any film he produces as well. Corman is a man who understands the irrefutable drawing power of boobs, blood, and mayhem; his entire catalogue is chock full of it. But Corman also understands film trends and how best to trick audiences into seeing his movies time and time again. Case in point, Battle Beyond the Stars was his brilliant plan for capitalizing on Star Wars. And before you paint the man as nothing more than a hack, bear in mind that Battle Beyond the Starsis an intergalactic remake of Akira Kurosawa’s The Seven Samurai. I wish I could fabricate information that incredible.

If you’ve seen The Seven Samurai, the plot of Battle Beyond the Stars should sound very familiar. An evil overlord, bent on conquering the entire universe, sets his sights on the bountiful, and totally defenseless planet of Akir. He threatens them, bullies them, and warns them that he will return for their crops and their vows of total submission in seven risings of their Red Giant. What is a completely wuss planet to do? They decide to let young Shad venture into the unknown and gather mercenaries willing to fight for the survival of Akir. He gathers seven ronin outcasts and heads home for what promises to be the most epic battle of 1980.

What Makes It Bad?

I honestly don’t know where to begin. The movie’s central setting is a planet with advanced computers that has mastered space travel and weapons controlled by xylophones(yup). But in an apparent effort to fly in the face of logic, a Corman trait if I ever saw one, these people live in caves, eat from clay pots, and display a aptitude for medicine that would shame a shaman. What the hell? Not to mention the fact that from this paradoxical planet is spawned Shad, arguably the weeniest hero of the decade. This kid is so wimpy, I don’t know whether to root for him or give him an atomic wedgie.

The effects of this movie provide for the greatest space battles this side of first generation screen-savers. And while the the blue screen is fuzzy and some of the makeup designs seem as though they were applied as the actors were running from their trailers to the set, the bedrock cheese of the effects in Battle Beyond the Stars lie with the models of the ships. There is a ship, and I wish I were kidding about this, that was fashioned from a terrarium salvaged from the garbage. Magic! And I would be completely lacking in my charge if I didn’t mention the crown jewel here: a ship that looks like a swinging set of testicles or a voluptuous pair of tits depending on your Freudian proclivities. Oh yes. The boob ship, called so here because that’s where my perversion stands, comes replete with viewing ports serving as aureoles and knocks about the galaxy as proud as a stripper with a brand new pair of cash-grabbers.

This film features a very, very 80’s representation of the future. I’ll admit this could be construed as nitpicking, but it is one of those unavoidable setbacks facing any film from a distinct era trying to interpret the future. It takes on a whole new level of anachronistic when robots have cassette tapes inserted into their chests in order to play music. And for that matter, when actors portraying robots demonstrate that they are robots by doing the robot. There’s really nothing like having an Aldolfo Shabba-Tron 3000 is there? And for the love of Flashdance if I saw one more pair of leggings on an alien female I was going to gag myself with a spoon.

Why I Love It!

There is a major film historian context behind my love of this film. While Roger Corman sadly remains largely unsung among the casual film viewer, he was the driving force behind some of the biggest names in Hollywood. When he fired nearly his entire visual effects team because he found out that their “worked on Star Wars” boasts were largely bullshit, he promoted the one employee with whom he had been impressed to the position of art director. That kid he promoted…a nobody named James Cameron. Yup, watch this film and see how it colors your anticipation for Avatar. Corman’s screenwriter, John Sayles, would go on to pen the scripts for The Howling, Eight Men Out, and The Spiderwick Chronicles. The composer, James Horner, has a body of work that includes Star Trek: Wrath of Khan, Aliens, Apollo 13, and Titanic. Though not involved in this film, it is interesting to note that Corman also launched the career of Silence of the Lambsdirector Jonathan Demme. When you think about how many big names owe their careers to Roger Corman, it is even more fun to watch his super cheesy films.

Battle Beyond the Starshas an amazing array of characters. I especially love George Peppard’s space cowboy. He is part Han Solo, part John Wayne, and all awesome. I believe I need only mention that the man has a Scotch dispenser on his belt buckle to cement his greatness into your mind sockets; I know that’s all I needed. Not to be overlooked is Robert Vaughn whose character from The Magnificent Seven was apparently launched into space, became an effeminate pirate, and now resides on a Vegas planet. Sidenote for the dozen people that do not know this, The Magnificent Seven is another remake of The Seven Samurai so having Vaughn in both seems doubly legitimate.

This film also features a lizard man with a vendetta, a pair of thermal twins who are unsettling and weird, and a rack-tastic warrior women called Saint-Exmin (apparently Professor X achieved sainthood). The latter of the list is dressed, at various times throughout the film, as a dominatrix, an opera singer, and a birthday cake adornment. Hilarious! I also found it hysterical that the villain’s ground assault force had two uniform choices: race car driver or scuba gear. It was about as intimidating as a flock of second-graders on Halloween. Congrats!

I love this film. I love that even though the directing credit went to Jimmy Murakami, Corman was really the one in charge. I love the hokey effects, the outlandish characters, and the shameless Star Wars ripoffs. Don’t believe me? Listen for the sound effects used on the opening and closing doors on Dr. Hephaestus’ ship and see if it doesn’t remind you of the sound made by a certain Sith lord’s breathing apparatus. Do yourself a favor, if you haven’t seen this movie or if you haven’t seen it since you were a kid, go rent it right this second and have an out-of-this-world weekend.

Junkfood Pairing:

Astronaut ice cream – I know it seems a hack or perhaps just incredibly lazy choice, but when you think about it, astronaut ice cream is the perfect complement to this film. It takes a classic, beloved snack and gives it a crazy, science-fiction twist. Battle Beyond the Stars takes the classic Seven Samurai story and through the magic of Roger Corman and John Sayles, casts it in an overzealous sci-fi mold. So by “if you think about it” I clearly mean “if I shoehorn a metaphor into this”. Hooray!!

Michael Bay Still Loves Megan Fox

2009-11-20T19:46:22Z

Despite their on-again, off-again routine of media spats, Michael Bay still has a thing for actress Megan Fox. Which means that her Transformers character Mikaela Banes will be surviving on into the next film, Transformers 3.

While he was chillin’ at the Victoria’s Secret Show this week in New York, Bay was wrestled to the ground by USA Today reporter Andrea Mandell and forced to make a comment on Fox, who has been in the news lately due to some oddly acrobatic underwear photos she took for The New York Times (one of which can be seen above). On Fox, Bay said “I love her.” Then followed up with an explanation of her role in the next Transformers film. “She’s got a great part in Transformers 3” he promised. When asked if he would kill her off: “No, no, no. She gets enough of that already”.

When probed about the little scuffle that he and Fox had in the press recently, Bay was magnanimous:

She called me [after the Hitler comment] and goes, ‘It’s all bullshit, Mike.’ The press, they just like to prey, and stalk, and pounce and find a good little juicy thing. But she’s always wanted to do these crazy comments. That’s just her. She’s great.

As you can clearly see, all is well in the world of Michael Bay and Megan Fox. Which unfortunately means that if all this is true, we will not see her death in Transformers 3, something that I know a lot of you were looking toward with much anticipation. We will have a grief counselor on staff all day here at FSR to talk it out with you in the comment section below.

Photo above courtesy of Megan-Fox.net

Mia Wasikowski is the New Jane Eyre?

2009-11-20T19:08:57Z

I was looking forward to seeing Ellen Page as Jane Eyre, wondering how she would handle the role of the poor governess from the wrong side of the moors. The star of Juno might have been able to bring a new twist to a character that has been filmed at least nineteen times. Or could be a thousand. IMDb isn’t always accurate. My favorite Jane is Andrea Martin in the Second City TV “Jane Airhead”. Her work in the role stands alone.

As for serious Jane’s the role has been played by Charlotte Gainsborough, Joan Fontaine, Samantha Morton. Anna Paquin played the young version of Jane to Morton’s grown up Jane. My apologies to the multitude of Janes unnamed but that would go on for too many paragraphs. So many Jane Eyres, so little time.

Now according to Variety, Mia Wasikowski, Alice in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland is in talks to step into the role of the plain Jane governess who finds true love with Mr. Rochester, that guy with the crazy first wife residing in the attic of his foreboding mansion Thornfield. Michael Fassbender (300, Inglourious Basterds), is reported to be in talks to play the miserable brooding, yet of course handsome Mr. Rochester.

The word from is the original casting of the Canadian Page as the very British Jane didn’t sit well among the British. I say that’s why it’s called acting. Actors play people unlike themselves, remember? But, I can understand their pain. Too many British favorites were being poached by actors in North America. Losing the colonies was a tough blow, but losing Bridget Jones and Beatrix Potter to Renee Zellweger, Jane Austin to Anne Hathaway was too too much.

Either way it didn’t matter since Page dropped out and the casting call has Mia Wasikowski on the Jane Eyre radar.

Sin nombre” director Cary Fukunaga will helm the newest incarnation of Charlotte Bronte’s tale of brooding love among depressed miserable people with seriously messed up secrets. Alright, I’m being harsh, but do we need yet another Jane Eyre?

What do you think? Do we need yet another visit to Jane Eyre, Edward Rochester and his ward Adele?

Review: The Twilight Saga: New Moon

2009-11-20T18:48:12Z

I was always taught that if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it right. And in my mind, there isn’t a more apt application for such a life theory than in the adaptation of popular novels into films. When you think about these popular literary franchise — many of whom have rabid fan bases — it is hard to imagine making a movie (or in this case, two) out of them that are subpar. As we’ve seen with the Harry Potter franchise, the key is to take the story from the books and build upon it. Find good actors, dazzle the fan base with great special effects and make the film’s accessible enough so that folks outside the fan base will be drawn in, and ultimately drawn into the world of the books as well. It’s a reverse method of getting people to read more — make the movies interesting enough, and folks will go after the rest of the story.

Not so with the Twilight franchise, at least not up to this point. With the release of New Moon, the second in a line of four films to be released by Summit Entertainment, the Twilight franchise has succeeded in doing only one thing: appeasing its built-in fan base. Which is sad, because such a rabid fan base deserves something better — something that will reach out to the rest of the world and invite others to see what they see. Sadly, this is not that case — and while its easy to say that some people just won’t “get” this operatic tale of love seen through the eyes of a teen girl, I would rather blame lazy filmmaking.

New Moon picks up where the first Twilight film left off, with Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) locked in a heated, yet abstinent, love affair. But after a freak accident at Bella’s birthday party puts her life in danger, Edward leaves her in hopes of giving her a chance at a normal life — one that doesn’t involve brooding over a vampire. Left with emptiness in her heart, Bella weeps for Edward for several months, eventually emerging slightly from her depression to forge a new friendship with the constantly shirtless Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), a now-meaty friend who is going through a few odd changes himself. As Bella digs deeper into Jacob’s life, she soon finds out that he isn’t all that he seems either.

From there, we find out about the true nature of Jacob and his tribe and — spoiler alert — their sweet ancestry of being werewolves. At this point, director Chris Weitz sets in and delivers two of the few shining achievements of New Moon. One is the development of Jacob as a character, aided by a solid performance from Taylor Lautner. After a movie and a third of watching Bella with Edward, it is almost sweet to see her engaging with someone who might have some depth to them, even if he does turn into a giant wolf from time to time. As well, Weitz delivers a wolf-on-wolf action sequence during Bella’s discovery of the wolf pack that is quite awesome, and reminiscent of his crowning achievement in The Golden Compass, the epic polar bear fight scene. It was the only point in the film when New Moon was exciting, and not bogged down with slo-mo action or brooding, hollow shells of romantic archetypes.

The rest of the movie is about as moving and engaging as watching a 24-hour golf marathon on television, in French. Sure, there is something there if you’re really interested in it and you speak the language, but to anyone sitting on the outside it is just another surface-level romantic melodrama that is poorly paced. On top of that, the Twilight films (can’t speak for the books) give us two main characters who are increasingly difficult to like, let alone adore (let alone root for). Bella is a whiny, weak-willed character whose sole preoccupation is finding a man through which she can define herself, and Edward is a creepy 109-year old vampire who is trolling the high school halls for young girls.

On top of that, Robert Pattinson’s performance is excruciatingly stale. I get it, he’s playing a vampire who is supposed to be without emotion. But he’s also playing the exception to the rule, the vampire who falls madly in love with this beautiful human girl and will do anything and everything to keep her safe. There should be something beneath the surface, something added to Edward to make him feel like the exception — and in Pattinson’s incredibly hollow performance, we see none of that. The same can be said for Kristen Stewart, who delivers once again a performance that makes Bella feel like a caricature of an overly dramatic, perpetually confused teen. If she is to become an icon for young girls everywhere, then I weep for an entire generation.

Beyond character problems and failure to craft an engaging, purposefully paced narrative, New Moon mostly suffers from an insider baseball complex, in which the only folks who can truly engage in the story are those who have intimate previous knowledge of these characters, whether it’s from the first Twilight film or Stephenie Meyer’s series of books. This fact cripples the film’s ability to reach out beyond its core audience, leaving many an audience member confused, bewildered and downright bored.

But as someone who has seen both films and read enough of the books to know what it going on, I can tell you that the most disheartening thing about this film is that while its fan base will be satisfied with it — especially the hanging ending that feels tacked on — they really aren’t getting their fandom’s worth with these movies. There is a story within Stephenie Meyer’s books that could make for a good movie, and a method by which these movies could be accessible and engaging. It just seems as if Summit and their respective creative teams can’t find it. That said, thanks to the nature of the story (the added action of the werewolves and the rush to find Edward in Italy), director Chris Weitz has lucked out — and in turn he has found himself the director of a movie that, while not good in the least, is at least more engaging than Catherine Hardwicke’s first film. Should this trend continue, the infinitely more capable director David Slade may actually give us something worth watching with the next installment, Eclipse.

The Upside: It plays to the fans, and does have a few action scenes (mostly with the wolves) that are pretty fun to watch.

The Downside: Poorly structured, poorly paced, poorly executed CGI in places and characters that are unlikeable, despite the fact that we should be rooting for them. An inaccessible mess.

On the Side: Each member of the wolf pack had to have papers proving their Native decent. Spencer is Lakota (Sioux), Pelletier is Cree-Metis, Meraz is Purepecha (Tarasco), Gordon is Hualapai, and Houseman, who was discovered at an open casting call, is Cree.

The Orphanage Remake Caught in Limbo

2009-11-20T17:25:31Z

There has been talk about a remake of the hit Spanish horror film The Orphanage for some time. In August, director Larry Fessenden (Wendigo) was commissioned by producer Guillermo Del Toro to adapt the script and direct. But we’ve heard nothing since.

Today, according to an interview that Arrow in the Head conducted with Fassenden, it appears as if the remake is in a bit of trouble. According to the long-time actor/director, he’s off the project after having some trouble in the casting process:

THE ORPHANAGE was two years of waiting. Working on the script with Guillermo was a very exciting experience, but then I got into a casting miasma and that’s where the thing is; I think they’re gonna do it another way, actually. So I think I’m out of it. Hopefully they’ll still use my script, but I’m not sure I’m directing it anymore. That’s Hollywood for ya.

That is Hollywood, indeed. With his time currently sunk completely into work on The Hobbit with Peter Jackson, it is hard to say how much time Guillermo Del Toro will have to go out and find a new director for the remake, leaving the film in a state of limbo. The original film — which told the story of a woman whose son goes missing after making friends with a mysterious boy at an old orphanage — stands well on its own, and if this makes for the end of the effort to remake it for American audiences, I doubt that many fans would have a problem with that.

Underworld 4 Gets a Writer from The Shield

2009-11-20T17:12:16Z

Writer John Hlavin has been around the block. He’s written several episodes of The Shield, the incredibly popular FX show, and episodes of Trust Me, the recently canceled TNT drama. But none of that will compare with the watchful eyes that will be upon his next project, as he signs on to pen the fourth installment in the Underworld franchise for Screen Gems and Lakeshore Entertainment.

The fourth film — which still does not have a director attached — is “not a prequel,” says Hlavin, who according to Heat Vision is keeping the plot under wraps. “It will satisfy old fans and excite new audiences,” he added. “Meaning that we don’t want to redo the first three movies, so steps are being taken to honor what fans have loved but at the same time introduce fresh elements.”

Original Underworld star Kate Beckinsale did not return for the third film, which starred Rhona Mitra and Michael Sheen, and there’s no reason for us to expect her back for the fourth. No word yet on the involvement of her husband Len Wiseman, who served as director on the first two and producer on the third, but it is also likely that he will not have much of an active role, as he’s currently busy with about 20 other projects. As well, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans director has two films currently in development, I, Frankenstein and Nonstop, so it is difficult to speculate whether or not he would return for another round.

As always, we will keep you updated as the story develops.

Uma Thurman, Kristin Scott Thomas Get Hot for Robert Pattinson

2009-11-20T16:59:10Z

Uma Thurman has the Edward Cullen bug, just like every other gal in America. On the dawn of New Moon, the latest release in the Twilight franchise, comes the news that Thurman has joined the production of Bel Ami, based on a short story by Guy de Maupassant.

According to THR, Thurman has signed on to star opposite Robert Pattinson, who will play George Duroy, a young journalist who rose from poverty to become one of the most successful men in Paris via the ruthless and calculating bedding of the city’s most glamorous and influential women. Thurman will play the wife of Duroy’s friend, a woman who is extremely involved and connected in the happenings of Parisian society. She helps Duroy during his journey and eventually becomes his wife.

Kristin Scott Thomas has also joined the cast, and will play a socialite who also falls for Duroy, becoming clingy in the process.

London theater director Declan Donnellan will be making his feature debut with the pic, which shoots in Paris early next year.

Jason Lee Turns Director, Finds The Beatles

2009-11-20T16:48:54Z

It appears as if Brodie from Mallrats is all grown up. Jason Lee is taking on a new TV show to follow the end of the run for My Name is Earl on TNT, a pilot called Delta Blues that will be executive produced by George Clooney. As well, Lee is stepping into the director’s chair to direct the indie film Get Back, according to THR.

Get Back is a time travelling adventure about two music obsessives transported to the 1960s, where one of them gets into a love triangle with John Lennon and Yoko Ono. It’s a premise that lends itself to the laid-back sentiments of Lee, as well as a potentially great soundtrack (although it should be noted that getting the rights to the anthology of The Beatles is no easy task).

It’s nice to see Lee branching out and getting behind the camera, as he’s long been a popular persona in front of it. I’m interested to see how he does, as we’ve seen some very good actor-to-director conversions as of late, including Office star John Krasinski’s debut Brief Interviews with Hideous Men. As well, you can never really go wrong with a movie about The Beatles, can you?

Brett Ratner to Finally Go Fly ‘Kites’

2009-11-20T16:35:58Z

We’ve been suggesting for years that Brett Ratner get over himself and go fly a kite. Which as you may know is an expression for getting lost, taking a long walk off a short pier, or just generally ceasing to exist. Well, now Ratner is going to fly a kite, its just not the right kind.

According to THR, the Rush Hour director has been tasked with re-editing an English-language version of Kites, from Indian director Anurag Basu. The film is set to be released internationally by Reliance BIG Pictures, who wants to have one version in Hindi to play in India and one version in English to play elsewhere. The film stars Hrithick Roshan and Barbara Mori and tells the story of a mortally wounded man who is left for dead in the heat of the desert sun. This is J. Once a street smart, carefree young guy. Now, a wanted man. As death looms, the only thing that keeps him alive is the quest to find the love of his life, Natasha. A woman betrothed to another man, but surely destined for J. A woman who comes into his life like a bolt of lightning and changes it forever.

The film was shot in Las Vegas, Mumbai, New Mexico and Los Angeles.

Steven Spielberg and Stephen King Go ‘Under the Dome’

2009-11-20T16:08:16Z

Steven Spielberg and Stephen King are getting together to make a supernatural thriller. Sold yet?

According to Variety, Dreamworks TV is developing a limited series based on the recently released King novel Under the Dome, a supernatural thriller that unfolds after an invisible force field is suddenly descends on a small vacation town in Maine. The locals take to fighting for their survival, but end up in a sort of Lord of the Flies situation that involves plenty of in-fighting.

Dreamworks is currently out looking for writers, which they will hire before they look to sell it to a network. And from where I’m sitting, it sounds like the kind of thing that could work for a cable network such as HBO or Showtime, but I wouldn’t rule out a primetime friendly version made for a major network like ABC.

Here’s a full description of the book’s synopsis:

On an entirely normal, beautiful fall day in Chester’s Mill, Maine, the town is inexplicably and suddenly sealed off from the rest of the world by an invisible force field. Planes crash into it and fall from the sky in flaming wreckage, a gardener’s hand is severed as “the dome” comes down on it, people running errands in the neighboring town are divided from their families, and cars explode on impact. No one can fathom what this barrier is, where it came from, and when — or if — it will go away. Dale Barbara, Iraq vet and now a short-order cook, finds himself teamed with a few intrepid citizens — town newspaper owner Julia Shumway, a physician’s assistant at the hospital, a select-woman, and three brave kids. Against them stands Big Jim Rennie, a politician who will stop at nothing — even murder — to hold the reins of power, and his son, who is keeping a horrible secret in a dark pantry. But their main adversary is the Dome itself. Because time isn’t just short. It’s running out.

The book itself has been getting high praise from all over. Author Neil Gaiman called it one of his “favourite books of the year,” while Publisher’s Weekly called it “formidably complex and irresistibly compelling.” Like any work of Stephen King though, there will be trepidation in the hearts of fans as an adaptation is developed — quite often King’s work doesn’t translate as well to screen, for various reasons. Of course, King has never been adapted by Spielberg and crew. Spielberg did hold the rights to The Talisman for over 20-years, but was never able to make anything of it. Lets hope things go better this time around.

You can pick up a copy of Under the Dome, which was released on November 10th, over at Amazon. Also, check out this promotional video for the book below.

Mike White Starts the ‘Santa Wars’

2009-11-20T15:54:20Z

Paramount Pictures has picked up a script from writer/director Mike White called Santa Wars, a comedy based on the true story of rival factions that developed within a union of professional Santa Clauses who become arch enemies during a Santa Claus civil war, according to Variety.

Stop. Hold the presses for a moment. You mean to tell me that this really happened? There was really a Santa Claus civil war between mall Santas? I can’t believe that I wasn’t told until just now. I need to pay more attention to the news. Here’s a description of the original story from Chicago Public Radio, which we found via /Film:

A tale of two Santas. There’s Tim Conaghan, a full-time professional Santa with a big belly and a real flowing white beard. And there’s Santa Nick—he too has a belly and real white beard. But the story of Santa Tim and Santa Nick is not like most uplifting Christmas parables. Instead, it’s about two men, very much alike, who came to lead rival factions in a bitter Santa civil war, and came themselves to be arch enemies. Josh Bearman reports on the political schism that’s overtaken the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas.

Also via our friends at /Film, is the 27-minute long segment of This American Life which talks about this wild news story. Just fast forward to the 22:30 mark.

Sounds hilarious, if you ask me.

Jackass 3-D: Why Not Go D-Box as Well?

2009-11-20T15:41:33Z

Somehow, we knew it was coming. With the ever-growing need to make everything and anything a 3D movie event, Hollywood is finally (and I use that lightly) taking things too far. According to our friends at Cinematical, a new Paramount Pictures release slate for 2010 has a listing for Jackass 3-D. Yes, you read that right — not just a clever title, but an actual 3-dimensional sequel in the Jackass franchise, a chaotic follow-up to 2006’s Jackass: Number Two.

Things have been quite on the homefront for Johnny Knoxville and his gang of goons since releasing Number Two in ‘06, a movie that was made for around $12 million and grossed nearly $85 million worldwide. It seems like a no-brainer for Paramount, who is yet to comment on this story. Why wouldn’t they want to make another cheap movie that grosses big, no matter the quality? And why not do it in 3-D? My only question is why not do it in D-Box as well, the “in-theater experience” that allows for audience members to be shaken, rattled and rumbled. Why not hook electrodes to the testicles of audience members (who will be decidedly mostly male) and let them experience the torture along with the likes of Bam Margera? It feels oddly appropriate.

No matter the final outcome, the fact that another Jackass movie is in development should be enough to have more than a few of you taking a staple gun to your chest in celebration. So get to it.

Brad Pitt Plans Big Sci-Fi Action with ‘Dark Void’

2009-11-20T15:30:47Z

Brad Pitt could be heading toward the Bermuda Triangle, where only darkness and danger await him. The uber-star’s Plan B production label and Reliance BIG Entertainment are developing a film version of the upcoming Capcom third-person shooter Dark Void, according to Heat Vision. The project has been tagged as one in which Pitt could also take a starring role.

The story centers on a a cargo pilot named Will (Pitt’s presumed character) who, after crashing in the Bermuda Triangle, ends up in a parallel universe where a band of humans must fight an alien threat they had long been thought extinct. Will and the other humans are outmanned but have a number of weapons and powers to help them beat back the alien incursion.

No writers have been hired yet — heck, the game isn’t even out yet. It releases for Windows, Playstation 3 and Xbox 360 in January. But it sure does look very cool. Based on the game’s trailer, which I’ve embedded below, this thing looks like a mix between the expansive world we’re seeing in James Cameron’s Avatar and Halo. With the right people involved and the right creative vision, something that has been important for Pitt’s production label, this could be a major sci-fi piece — not just another video game adaptation.

Check out the Dark Void game trailer below.

American Gladiators Are Coming to Save the Day

2009-11-20T15:19:33Z

When you think of American Gladiators, the television game show of sorts from the late-80s and early-90s, I’m not sure that you think about superheroes. Sure, these Herculean characters are big, strong and mustachioed, but none of them have ever possessed any powers that steroids and hours in a gym could not provide.

Not so with the upcoming movie adaptation produced by Scott Mednick (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). In his vision for an adaptation of the show, which saw a revival in 2008 on NBC, the Gladiators will be portrayed as superheroes. Who we can only assume will save America from something really scary, like terrorism or aliens. Actually, those are the only two things I can think of — terrorism and aliens, or both. Mark my words.

The news here is that writer Peter Iliff has been hired to write the script. To his credit, Iliff has worked on scripts for films such as Varsity Blues, Point Break and Patriot Games. So he’s no hack. I’m not sure if he’ll be enough to save this laughable concept, but I’m willing to give him a chance.

Mednick is planning on having Gladiators ready for a 2011 release.

Kevin Carr’s Weekly Report Card for 11.20.09

2009-11-20T14:04:22Z

NEW MOON

Studio: Summit Entertainment

Rated: PG-13 for some violence and action.

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Ashley Greene and Jackson Rathbone

Directed by: Chris Weitz

What it’s about: The not-so-epic Twilight saga continues with Bella bellyaching about how much she wants to become a vampire. Edward realizes that if he sticks around, he (or someone in his family) will kill and eat her, so he leaves to find himself. Bella falls into a depression until the hunky Jacob Black becomes her BFF but, surprise surprise, he’s actually a werewolf. And Bella wants to know what this all means for her.

What I liked: The second half. Seriously, once the claws come out with the wolf pack and we later get to see the Volturi (i.e., the awesome Italian vampires), things really pick up. The film turns into less of a teenage angst fest and looks more like a vampire movie. Particularly with the Volturi, Michael Sheen mops the floor with the rest of the cast in terms of acting. Too bad he wasn’t in the entire movie.

As for the rest of this film, there are some significant improvements on last year’s Twilight, the main elements being the make-up and the special effects. The vampires don’t just look like they’re padded down with baby powder, and the werewolves are pretty cool, even if they are blindingly obvious CGI models.

What I didn’t: The first half. Jesus Christ on a freaking crutch, could that Bella Swan be more pathetic. If I had been watching this movie on television, I would have turned it off in the first hour. In the beginning, she constantly nags Edward to make her a vampire. Then she cuts her finger and holds it up in front of the vampires, innocently saying, “It’s just a little blood.” Then she hits depression mode the likes of which has never been seen in a film, complete with alienating her friends, staying bedridden for months on end and waking up screaming about how much it hurts her heart. I found myself wishing a 60s-era Connery James Bond would walk in and smack her around a bit just to get on with the show.

With that said, if you’re going to have a lesser half of a film, better make it the first half. But still, I’d find myself so much more into the Twilight saga if we just got rid of Bella and Edward stopped being such a douche. Team Jacob all the way, people!

Who is gonna like this movie: Twi-hards, Twi-moms and their dates who want to get laid.

PLANET 51

Studio: TriStar Pictures

Rated: PG for mild sci-fi action and some suggestive humor.

Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Jessica Biel, Justin Long, Gary Oldman and Seann William Scott

Directed by: Jorge Blanco

What it’s about: An alien world that inexplicably emulates 1950s America is wrapped up in paranoia about an invasion of brain-sucking extraterrestrial are shocked when an American astronaut lands in their back yard… and the hilarity ensues (or at least it should, in a perfect world).

What I liked: The concept is actually pretty funny, even though the film completely botches it. The animation is decent, although the bulbous aliens don’t quite work from a design concept level. But hey, they’re worlds better than the talking termites in Delgo.

Oh, and my kids really liked it, which is really the target market, after all.

What I didn’t: To make a good movie, you need a good plot and good characters. Planet 51 delivers neither of these. There’s a randomness to the entire film, throwing jokes at the screen that never quite stick. Dwayne Johnson slathers on the cheese in a role that makes me long for the January release of The Tooth Fairy.

The story is a real stretch. I get the idea to turn 50s paranoia on its ear, but even in the context of an animated movie, it’s a real stretch. Apparently the astronaut doesn’t realize that the planet has life because the roving robot sent as a scout only collected rocks. Yeah… that barely works even for a cartoon.

And speaking of the roving robot, when it decides to bond with one of the aliens, it looks like it’s humping him to death. That’s an awkward moment with your kids in an animated movie.

Who is gonna like this movie: Kids… and that’s about it.

THE BLIND SIDE

Studio: Warner Bros.

Rated: PG-13 for one scene involving brief violence, drug and sexual references.

Starring: Sandra Bullock, Kathy Bates, Tim McGraw, Ray McKinnon and Quinton Aaron

Directed by: John Lee Hancock

What it’s about: Michael Oher is a homeless teen in Memphis who is taken in by a wealthy white family. They eventually adopt him and help him bring his grades up enough that he can play football. This is the true story of Oher, who is now a player for the Baltimore Ravens.

What I liked: It might seem like a back-handed compliment to say that I didn’t hate this movie, but it’s an accurate statement. This movie was something I was dreading from the moment I saw that trailers, but the film itself isn’t as melodramatic as the trailers lead on. It is an inspirational story, and it’s a feel-good movie. For the most part, it manages to achieve this without being too schmaltzy.

The acting is pretty good, with Sandra Bullock pulling off the rich, southern mom. Too bad she kinda steals the show from Oher’s character.

What I didn’t: There’s no doubt about it… The Blind Side is a button pusher. Sometimes, these buttons are pushed a little too deliberately and it becomes a little shameless in this respect. Some of the scenes of Bullock’s sassiness are over the top and less than believable, but who am I to judge Hollywood’s retelling of a true story.

If you’re hoping for a big football movie, you’ll be disappointed. The story hits certain elements of football, but that’s only about 25 percent of the film. But that doesn’t stop it from giving some gratuitous ego boosts to known college coaches and recruiters.

Who is gonna like this movie: Inspirational sports movie junkies.

PRECIOUS: BASED ON THE NOVEL “PUSH” BY SAPPHIRE

Studio: Lionsgate

Rated: R for child abuse including sexual assault, and pervasive language.

Starring: Gabourey ‘Gabby’ Sidibe, Mo’Nique, Paula Patton, Mariah Carey, Sherri Shepherd and Lenny Kravitz

Directed by: Lee Daniels

What it’s about: Clarisse “Precious” Jones is an overweight, illiterate teenager in 1987 Harlem who is pregnant with her father’s child. She is kicked out of school for being pregnant and, against the advice of her caustic mother, joins a tutoring program so she can get her GED.

What I liked: This movie does have a good message and it will inspire its viewers. We’ve all heard the critics in this country stampeding to the chance to give the movie a glowing review. It’s good, but it’s a victim of its own hype at times.

The stand-out parts of this movie come from the performances of Gabourey ‘Gabby’ Sidibe as the title character. Other roles are given more hype right now, but let’s not take away Sidibe’s work on the movie. She does a great job in her role, and she deserves her accolades.

Mariah Carey has been given some kudos for her underplayed role as a social worker, but it is Mo’Nique who shines as the evil mother that allows abuse to happen to her daughter.

What I didn’t: Our illustrious executive editor Neil Miller has referred to this movie as “poverty porn,” and he’s absolutely right. There’s more social issues in this movie than a very special episode of any given 80s sit-com. About two-thirds through the movie, another social issue bomb is dropped on Precious, and I literally rolled my eyes. All we need now is for Somali pirates to be written into the film, and we’d have it all covered.

One other problem with this movie… where were all the psychic warriors? I thought this was Push!

Who is gonna like this movie: Anyone who has ever considered joining an Oprah book club.

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NEW MOON

PLANET 51

THE BLIND SIDE

PRECIOUS: BASED ON THE NOVEL “PUSH” BY SAPPHIRE

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