Film Spork

We'll be on Hiatus

2011-07-28T17:46:00.000-07:00

Dearest Sporkers,
We will be on hiatus for a short time while the Film Spork crew works at being adults and such. See you soon!

Our Interview Virginity Is Lost On Ms. Brea Grant!

2011-06-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

I had the pleasure of contacting actress/author/geek Brea Grant (Heroes, Homecoming, WWBY) in our very first FilmSpork interview! Brea is extremely busy filming two major projects right now, one of which involves a kick-ass motorcycle, so she was kind enough to give us a mini interview until her schedule opens up for something more in-depth. Enjoy dearies and post any questions you would like me to ask in the follow up!

Photo by Kit Williamson

Read the interview after the jump...

Here we are! The FilmSpork Questionnaire filled in by Brea Grant!

Thanks for being gentle on us for our first time Brea!

The Rise of the Female Comedian

2011-05-14T21:22:00.000-07:00

I have thought long and hard (take a moment to get the penis jokes out of your system..ready? No? I'll wait.) As I was saying I have thought long and hard upon the topic of female comedy or more accurately a female's role in the comedy universe. As someone who is herself hysterically funny, I can't help but daydream about my potential future as a funny lady in the entertainment industry. But in a time of heavily saturated male comedy, is there room for funny women in Hollywood?

Tah-dah

Find out after the jump...

{Before I continue I would like to tell you readers that this isn't going to be some big feminist la de da rant. I am merely analyzing what I have noticed since I could cognitively watch stuff.}

Funny women are making leeway! It is a rare thing for a hollywood production company to risk making a comedy that revolves around female protagonists. For too long comedy has centered on funny men and their pretty but comically retarded girls. Think "Knocked-up." The only funny female characters in that were either too stoned or young to be held back by the conventions of gender. They needed an excuse from the filmmaker to be funny. The female protagonist Katherine Heigl played the boring straight man as she does in ALL her films.

Why am I always the straight man?

Another fine example is the blockbuster "The Hangover." I get flashes of whining women on the phone trying to literally take the fun away. It's sad when overbearing and boring females become the standard.

In 2008 Tina Fey and Amy Poehler came out with a comedy called "Baby Mama." While cinematically it wasn't anything special, the fact that a female lead comedy did so well commercially was revolutionary. It tossed the theory that men couldn't relate to female comedy out of the water. What's more is that it didn't rely on T and A to attract the male populace.

Hollywood (and Judd Appatow) is finally realizing that normal women can be both funny and commercially successful in films. It has released a female driven comedy called "Bridesmaids." While it does tend to utilize some comedy caricatures (the large aggressive woman, the Martha Stewart straight man,) the main protagonist is a normal woman who happens to be extremely funny. There's no reason or excuse given for her humor, it is expected to be taken as is.

We're on our way America, we're on our way.

Watch This

2011-05-11T00:59:00.000-07:00

It's a webseries. It's good. The cool kids are watching.

THE CONFESSION

TRIUMVIRATE OF AWESOME!!

2011-05-11T00:33:00.000-07:00

Alan Alda. Allison Janney. Meryl Streep.

"Opening night of the World Science Festival in New York is going to feature a more glittering lineup of stars than most Broadway shows. Meryl Streep, Amy Adams, Allison Janney, Liev Schreiber, David Morse and Bill Camp are among the actors coming together on June 1 at Alice Tully Hall to participate in a reading of a new play written by Alan Alda about the scientist Marie Curie." - NY Times

If you don't know me, you won't understand how huge this is.
Well...

Melancholia: a mental condition marked by persistent depression and ill-founded fears.

2011-05-06T13:27:00.000-07:00

...or in my case, a mental condition marked by persistent dedication and ill-founded obsession.

... with Kiefer.

Which led me to create a google video email notification (during, I swear, a moment of legitimate research), which led me to see this trailer by the (insert adjective) Lars Von Trier.

MELANCHOLIA.

T-Minus 5 days

2011-04-25T22:20:00.000-07:00

Our beloved Prince William from England is set to marry is honeybunnygoogilypie Kate Middleton this upcoming Friday. It shall be a glorious event. Stay Tuned for exclusive wedding news and opinions from non-other-than FILMSPORK!

FilmSpork is unhealthily obsessed with Royalty

Arnold Promised He'd "Be Back!"

2011-04-10T21:33:00.000-07:00

Arnold Schwarzenegger has finally figured out that making movies is way more fun that demolishing California's economy. He has announced his comeback to acting and promises he will be venturing into unknown territory!

I keep all my non-political promises

Find out what after the jump...

Arnold is making a love baby with the king of all comics Stan Lee. The two are working on a cartoon show for kids aptly named "The Governator" that will use Arnold's voice and likeness.

Yes, this is for realz

The cartoon will revolve around an ex-governor who decides to fight crime. He has gadgets, sidekicks, and even an "Arnold Cave."

This kind of idea gets me all nostalgic. Not since the crappy-yet-loveable saturday morning cartoons of yesteryear has someone exploited an already existing albeit weak premise such as this . Remember the cartoon versions of Ace Ventura, Dumb and Dumber, Teen Wolf, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, and Back-To-The-Future? Still I suppose I will watch it, if only to fill the void I've felt since Arnold left the entertainment industry.

Jaz Is Finally Old Enough To See A Scream Sequel In Theaters!

2011-04-02T11:38:00.000-07:00

Folks it is finally happening! Scream 4 will be in theaters in 12 days and I am old enough to see it in theaters without the accompaniment of a parent or guardian. This is a first for me involving the Scream franchise so please excuse my excitement.

Read my intelligent prose about Scream after the jump...

Why Scream is an exceptional film {ahem}:

Scream revolutionized the horror genre and introduced mainstream audiences to what we call Post Modernism. Scream is unpretentiously self-aware. Its sole purpose isn't just to scare audiences but rather to deconstruct the slasher genre as we know it. It is an educational video where the viewers use the lessons Scream has taught to figure out who the killer is before time runs out. We are literally put into the shoes of the protagonists.

I still can't see Drew with a phone. Too soon.

The original Scream came out in 1996 when scrunchies were big and flip cell phones just came out. The most recent, Scream 3 was released in 2000. I am eager for writer Kevin Williamson's translation of the cultural boom of the past 11 years. How will he incorporate the changes of identity and privacy that comes with the internet age? I'm sure the rules of the game have changed. I'm ready to learn!

Hollywood Casts Plastic Surgery Holdout Jennifer Garner As Infamous Elderly Spinster Detective Miss Marple

2011-03-31T02:26:00.000-07:00

It has been reported that Walt Disney has purchased the rights to Miss Marple, and that they are planning a new film franchise set to star Jennifer Garner, who is 38 years old. Many are calling it a re-invention of the character. Defenders of the change, while conceding Hollywood's age bias, have even said that the "old lady" version has already been successfully portrayed, and that it's time for a different, even sexier take.

Let me explain why that is wrong. On so many levels. After the jump.

Please, listen to the lovely Miss Marple Theme as you read.

Tenacious, tweed-wearing English detective Miss Jane Marple was one of Agatha Christie's finest creations. Star of 12 of Christie's novels, and later featured in countless films and television productions portrayed by the likes of Dame Margaret Rutherford, Helen Hayes, and Angela Lansbury, Miss Marple became something of a 20th century cultural icon.

Basically, Agatha Christie considered the 19th century stock character of an old, narratively useless spinster and discovered the ideal detective: an intelligent yet, by the nature of her age and position, effectively invisible, non-threatening persona with a keen understanding of human flaws. Without Miss Marple and Murder, She Said there would be no Jessica Fletcher and Murder, She Wrote, or even, quite possibly, Jane Tennison and Prime Suspect. That is, there would be even fewer fabulous roles for our finest, most experienced actresses.

What the previous paragraph should have made clear to even the dullest creatures running the Walt Disney Company is that it is not that Miss Marple happened to be an old woman, it is that the point of Miss Marple and her unique advantages and insights stemmed from her being an apparently "dotty" old woman. In addition, her advanced age granted Miss Marple a wise view of human nature and an understanding of human mortality -- she was staring into the abyss as only the nearly dead can -- and this gave her an underlying gravitas and darkness that made the whole schtick work.

In short, Miss Marple is not Alias. She is Miss Marple. She must, like cheese and grandmothers, be at least a little aged. Without that, not only is she boring, not only is she unoriginal, but she is also unable to do her job effectively.

Good day.

Joan Fontaine & Olivia de Havilland Refuse To Speak To Each Other And/Or Die

2011-03-26T15:37:00.000-07:00

Olivia is known to have been an infamous bitch to her lovely sister, but a lovely friend to infamous bitch Bette Davis

The death of a Hollywood legend at this late stage of modern humanity begs the question: who the hell is still ticking? Everyone (or - everyone who matters) knows that Doris Day will outlive the sun, and that Lauren Bacall is murmuring husky voiced nothings to her pet Papillon in some grand Manhattan loft. But Taylor was merely a sickly mutant '50s screen goddess...what of those '30s divas who have yet to pop their clogs? FAB FEUDS AFTER THE JUMP

The immortal sisters Olivia de Havilland and Joan Fontaine, the Venus and Serena of classic Hollywood, are two of the most accomplished living film actresses. Olivia is the last living major star of Gone With the Wind, perhaps the greatest achievement of Hollywood's studio system. Later, Olivia sued and defeated that powerful system on behalf of performers' rights, resulting in the de Havilland Law.

When Joan, her younger sister, first attempted to join the family business, her mother refused her wish to use the "de Havilland" name, resulting in her choice of "Fontaine." As a child, Olivia would allegedly rip up her hand-me-downs to Joan, forcing her younger sister to sew them back together. As an adult, the abuse continued. In 1942, both Joan and Olivia were up for best actress -- and Joan won (the only actress to ever win for a Hitchcock picture). When her name was announced, Joan (sitting next to her sister) burst into tears, fearing she had ignited Olivia's wrath. When Olivia won her oscar in 1946, Joan was the presenter -- Olivia refused to even shake her sister's hand. Decades later, Olivia allegedly failed to invite her sister to their mother's memorial service. In 1975, they stopped speaking to each other.

Joan allegedly became estranged from her own daughters after she caught them communicating with Aunt Olivia

Despite the bad blood between the two, their good blood keeps them alive. Olivia is now 94, her sister a year younger. May they continue to live at war before they rest in peace, forever.

Apparently, Lindsay Lohan Has Nothing Better To Do

2011-03-25T21:32:00.000-07:00

Sporkers,
The once adorable ginger haired sweetie we all miss from "The Parent Trap" and that movie where Tyra Banks is a doll who becomes human, is making a HUGE life change.

Let ME tell them the good news Tyra!

Find out what after the jump!

Lindsay Lohan will no longer be Lindsay Lohan. No, I don't mean she's giving up her self-destructive ways and actually living up to that tiny spark of potential that she has remaining. I mean legally she is dropping her last name. She shall be dubbed just "Lindsay" from now on and forever.

Look how much fun I'm having world!

Personally I think this is a big mistake. By which I mean, I know at least eighty-seven girls named Lindsay, all of whom I associate with a last name. If I'm hollering for one down the hall how am I supposed to indicate which Lindsay I mean if I don't follow up with a surname? Sure she's copying the greats like Beyonce, Oprah, and Madonna but when is the last time you knew anyone with those names in the first place? Not to mention those stated above have been recognized for positive contributions to society rather than poor lifestyle choices.

I'm feeeelin' the music, man.

This is a family affair. Dina Lohan and Ali Lohan are converting their surnames to Sullivan (Dina's maiden name.) Apparently they don't want anything to do with Lindsay's father Michael Lohan because he's an embarrassment to their family. Really?

Because Jen Will Look Like An Ass If She Doesn't....

2011-03-24T23:25:00.000-07:00

RIP, Elizabeth. I won't try to follow my co-bloggers' lovely eulogies, but: May the world never call you "Liz" in earnest again. It may "sound like a hiss," but that that hiss will be remembered as brassy, warm, brazen, Rubenesque and otherworldly, yet never completely untouchable.

Elizabeth Rosemond Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky is Dead.

2011-03-23T21:52:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth Taylor, violet eyed and raven haired, descended from the aethers of the universe into the international consciousness in 1944's National Velvet as a young girl who unexpectedly rides a horse to victory. Half a century later, in 1994, she made her final silver screen performance as Fred Flinstone's mother in law. In between she made screen history when allowed to sizzle, in films like Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, A Place in the Sun, and Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. And yet, Taylor was no Garbo, Davis, or Streep -- her quieter performances tended to bore more than bewitch.

Notoriously, it was her personal life that made Elizabeth a star beyond her work. Her life's masterpiece was, indeed, her life. But beyond Burton, her glamor, her other husbands, her Oscars, her caftans, and her diamonds there was something else: that rare duo of bravery and love. Never a highly educated Dame, she instead gained wisdom through lifelong suffering. Prone to sickness throughout her life, including several near death experiences, she was one of the first to fight HIV/AIDS at a time when only the most courageous spoke out. She befriended the lonely and the misunderstood, and occasionally married them. She was the first on the scene of her dear friend Montgomery Clift's disfiguring car accident. She forced herself into the wrecked vehicle and saved Monty's life by digging out the teeth which had been lodged in the back of his bloody throat. Later, she credited "adrenaline" as the hero.

Many were shocked that Taylor was only 79 when she died. Indeed, it has seemed that she's been on the verge of death for the past couple decades. Her New York Times obituary was composed years ago; the writer has already passed away.

Notably impulsive in her youth, she observed in her later years that "it is strange that the years teach us patience; that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting." Elizabeth Taylor didn't need to rush through a desperate bucket list in her old age, because she did something most fail to do: she actually lived.

Heaven Has a New Drunken Angel

2011-03-23T20:02:00.000-07:00

Dame Elizabeth Taylor died today surrounded by family and friends. She had been suffering from Congestive Heart failure amongst a list of other ailments. She was 79.

Two babes acting in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof."

More of the Dame after the jump...

The classic statuesque beauty started her career at the age of 9. It wasn't until 3 years later that she made it big with the girl and her horse film "National Velvet" co-starring tiny man Mickey Rooney. MGM then basically adopted her and raised her into one of the greatest starlets of all time putting her in 25 films (one of which BUtterfield 8 won her an Oscar, she can thank Warner Brothers for her other one.) She had 4 children, 8 marriages, and countless affairs all the while churning out spectacular performances. It's almost as if she thrived on chaos. (see Cleopatra, it utterly mirrored her actual life.)

Elizabeth was like her perfumes; an eclectic mix of elements (beauty, materialism, class, addiction, passion, humanity, and talent) to create something quite nice that will linger until the end of human history.

She will be greatly missed and remembered (most especially by drag queens.) See you on the other side gorgeous.

A Brief History of Homosexual PDAs on the Boob Tube

2011-03-21T18:54:00.000-07:00

So Harry Potter finally kissed Chris Colfer on a gleeful little show the children can see (aka a network program!) and the most prominent person to get upset about it is some washed up SNL crazy married to a fire breathing magician. Indeed, the gay network television kiss is no longer a huge deal. But once upon a time, such a thing took courage and made history, and advertisers got UPSET. So, gay network teevee history after the JUMP!

1940s: Elmer Fudd name drops his divas and makes out with Bugs Bunny. Animation history is made.

1969: Closeted gay man Dick Sargent replaces Dick York as heterosexual advertising executive Darrin on unbelievably gay prime time show Bewitched just as ratings were starting to slide. Everything about the show was gay. Elizabeth Montgomery has magical powers but has to hide them to "pass" as a boring mortal. Agnes Moorehead was in it. One of the two twin girls who played daughter "Tabitha" grew up to be a lesbian activist. In 1992 Dick Sargent and Elizabeth Montgomery served as the grand marshals of the Los Angeles Gay Pride Parade. But, no gay kisses.

1989: ABC's infamous thirtysomething episode "Strangers" showed two men in bed not touching each other (something Abe Lincoln even did people!) People called in to complain. TV Guide gave the episode a "jeer" for perpetuating promiscuous stereotypes. And advertisers pulled out. But the guys had some great dialogue, like this exchange:

RUSSELL: So what's it like at work? (being gay)

PETER: Not bad. Most people know, the others just assume from the picture on my desk that I'm married to Bernadette Peters.

But, no gay kisses.

1994: Primetime sexy soap Melrose Place allows Doug Savant's gay character one kiss. One. Advertisers go nuts. FOX censors the scene. So, no gay kisses.

1990s: Women kiss women all over the place, from ER to Friends. The guys on Friends kissed too, but for kicks. HAHA! But the men aren't allowed, really. Ellen comes out on her show (she's hot for Laura Dern!); Ellen gets cancelled. It's the 90s.

2000: The first gay male kiss happens on network television. It's not romantic, really, it's Will & Grace. Will and Jack stage a kiss on the "Today" show to protest the censorship of a gay kiss on a fake sitcom, but really to protest NBC's pressure not to have anything too explicit on Will & Grace. By the end of the show's run, Will gets to kiss his boyfriends regularly, and Glenn Close gets to hump Debra Messing. Winning!

2001: The first gay male romantic network TV kiss happens...on WB's Dawson's Creek. In 2000 Kerr Smith did a "peck," but the 2001 kiss was intense. That's the one history remembers.

2005: Andrew kisses Justin on Desperate Housewives.

2006: Brothers and Sisters premieres on ABC and treats the romantic adventures of Kevin McCallister just like everyone else's. Lots of gay kissing. In HD! Scotty! So hot.

And since 2006, lots of gay kisses. ABC and FOX and NBC leading the way network-wise. CBS, not so much.

Anyway, here's something better than Glee:

100th Post Dedicated To Harry Potter

2011-03-19T20:35:00.000-07:00

The moment Mrs. Rogers read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone to the class in the 6th grade I was hooked. Now, ~~13, 12, 11~~ okay 13 years later, that magic is coming to an end this July and with it millions of childhoods. My innocence and child-like wonder are being shut down tighter than a Gringott's vault.

If Time Magazine says so, it must be true

More HP after the jump...

At least 25% of my life has been spent arguing about Snape's intentions, wondering which house I would be in (Gryffindor naturally,) wishing brooms really could fly so I could experience Quidditch, and developing an astigmatism from reading each of the epic novels in under 2 days. I remember the stir that Harry Potter's existence has caused to fundamental-whatever-worshippers (which naturally heightened my unhealthy eternal love for it even more.)

I highly doubt the devil would use a quill pen and be a unicorn.

Literally nothing will replace the hole in my heart that the remaining Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 will leave behind in July. Except maybe food...and cats, lots of smellybuttsquishface cats. Maybe I will buy stock in anti-depressants around then, save my earnings and bribe J.K Rowling to write more Harry Potter. Yes, I raise my juice box to that idea.

Extra! Extra! Another Hot Brit Gets Down With His Bad Self

2011-03-16T20:15:00.000-07:00

Dearest Sporkers. I apologize for the short hiatus. I have been busy taking little children to the ER and listening to 5th grade boys disclose little gems of wisdom that include: "Miley Cyrus. She's barely even an actress. She's really only an ordinary girl, just like you and me." Clearly, he was unimpressed with The Last Song. Kids these days. (Maybe he should join FilmSpork as a guest writer.)

To repent for my absence, I am presenting you with a very special treat of the weird eye-candy variety. (My favorite!) Who else is in love with Aaron Johnson, that fetching young Brit whom I adore for Kick-Ass, and ~~loathe~~ respect entirely for removing himself from the eligibility market with a 43-year-old director?

I know, I know. You all just raised your hands. And even better than those lips, folks, is this: Johnson performing a crazy-sexy-joyful, borderline-alarming solo dance along London's Brick Lane to REM's new single "Überlin."

Yes, it's more than slightly reminiscent of the video for Radiohead's "Lotus Flower." But really. Who would you rather watch shake his groove thing? Tiny, creepy (albeit brilliant) elf Thom Yorke? Or the Sex God himself? (All you Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging fans know where it's at.)

Be sure to watch the moves at 2:22. They may become a new dance party staple.

Gilbert Gottfried Fired For Being A Loudmouth

2011-03-15T14:20:00.000-07:00

Over the past week, the islands of Japan have been hit by devastating earthquakes, tidal waves, and radiation. Deaths are already in the hundreds of thousands. Over here in the untouched U.S (except for larger than average waves) folks are taking it upon themselves to exploit this tragedy. There's the crazy christian girl who praised God for giving the Atheists a sign of his existence. Then there is Gilbert Gottfried.

You're my only friend Quackers McDuck

Read what he said after the jump...

Gottfried is apparently on twitter (we don't follow him) and tweeted 12 attempts at jokes aimed specifically at Japan:

You sick bastard. He has been fired from his only gig (since Hollywood Squares ended) as the Aflec Duck's voice. Good luck ever finding a job that doesn't require flipping burgers. I guess Gilbert really "Got Fried." <---- that is a tasteful joke Gilbert. Take note.

Fiery Smart Redhead To Play Opinionated Inarticulate Brunette

2011-03-10T14:58:00.000-08:00

Move over Emmy-Award-Winning Tina Fey, there's a new girl playing former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin: Ms. Julianne Moore! HBO is producing a movie revolving around the 2008 presidential election based on the book Game Change.

She needs an Oscar already.

Find out what Film Spork thinks after the jump

Hmmmmmm I find this quite intriguing. It would be interesting to see Sarah Palin as a human being rather than the superfluous caricature she has become. Julianne Moore has quite the task ahead of her. Not only does her portrayal have to please the sympathetic Joe Plumbers and Hockey Moms out there but also the folks who think of her as a giant fraud. Personally I'm just excited for the accents and we at Film Spork know that Julianne Moore is incredible at them, take a look at her previous slam dunks:

1) Newfoundlander (Shipping News)
2) Exaggerated Bostonian (30 Rock)
3) Robot (Eagle Eye)
4) Mid-Atlantic (The Big Lebowski)
5) Drunken Socialite English (A Single Man)
6) Virginian (Hannibal)

Good Luck JM and Godspeed.

Charlie Sheen: Def Jam

2011-03-09T10:06:00.000-08:00

Charlie Sheen has been falling into a downward spiral of insanity for the past few months. What makes him gloriously different from other deteriorating celebs is that Charlie Sheen is batsh*t crazy and he KNOWS it.

This is what a warlock looks like

This guy is like these potato stick snacks I had once, sort of repulsive at first but there was something addictive about them and before long the entire bag was gone. I thought it would be fun to create a game ( play below) based on Mr. Ridiculous himself so we can all feel a little bit like Charlie Sheen. Y'know without any of those nasty consequences like getting fired from the sweetest gig on the planet, losing custody of your kids, and believing you're a winner, even though you look like an extra from The Walking Dead.

Create your very own Sheen Rant after the jump...

Charlie Sheen Def Jam Mad Libs
Fill in the blanks and create your very own (surprisingly eloquent) Charlie Sheen Rant! Lay out courtesy of wordlibs.com

I {Don't} Heart Huckabee

2011-03-04T22:24:00.000-08:00

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee has been caught on record stating that Academy Award winning Harvard graduate Natalie Portman is "glamorizing" ~~being a smart, successful, and classy woman~~ having babies out of wedlock. Apparently, having a child with someone you love is sending a bad message to all the impressionable young'uns out there. Natalie had this to say as a response.

Sporkers, Slowly Taking Over The World.

2011-03-04T00:05:00.000-08:00

My dearest Sporkers,

It is time that we banded together for something that is close to Film Sporks heart. Make yourselves comfy and I shall spin you a wondrous tale full of adventure, intrigue, and newspapers.

Apparently this guy can fly

After the jump of coarse you silly readers...

Once upon a time in 2008, there was a skinny fangirl nerd (named Jaz) who read a newspaper in her Mom's security office. Her mother recently caught a bad guy who was handcuffed and swearing and generally being quite disagreeable in the other room, when all of the sudden something caught Jaz's attention.

What is THIS, Jaz thought to herself.

There was an article in the entertainment section about an actress named Brea Grant who landed a really interesting role on NBC's Heroes. It explained that she was a huge fan of the previous 2 seasons and had cried when she learned she won the role of Daphne. Jaz decided to google this lady and happened upon her blog/website and learned that she too was a skinny fangirl nerd and lived in a magical far off land called Los Angeles. She ended up sending an E-mail to this Brea Grant individual and they have been good friends ever since.

What can we learn from this story? Perhaps, that there ARE good people in the industry who will take the time out of their busy schedule of shooting a primetime television show to write several sweet personal E-mails to some kid they don't even know. Not only that but also give them feedback on scripts and advice on L.A life. Who the hell does that?

This kid does. ---->

Photo by Mark Burmeister

So when it came to my attention that FX finally gave the green light to their Powers pilot I came pretty damn close to defecating in my pajama pants! Not only because the graphic novel is freaking awesome, but because my pal Ms. Brea Grant is perfect for the role of Detective Deena Pilgrim. I'm not kidding.

Just look at the similarities:

Brea got run over by a steamroller and is all flat!

I have started a petition in the hopes that the producers will take notice and give this lovely lady an audition. If we can get her in that damn casting room I know she'll snag the role. If anyone in Hollywood deserves success, it's Brea. So how about it folks? You can sign the petition HERE and prove to the world that Sporkers take care of their own!

The Bad and the Beautiful and Kirk Douglas

2011-02-28T15:51:00.000-08:00

The 83rd Annual Academy Awards was supposed to be for the pretty kids. The veteran comic talents of Alec Baldwin and Whoopi Goldberg were largely abandoned, to be replaced by the manic-depressive double act of Shining Sexy Movie Stars Anne Hathaway and James Franco.

Look what I can do!

And Anne and James were reliably childlike. She couldn't stop twirling, giggling, smiling, and playing designer dress-up like an overly-agreeable live mannequin. He was mostly concerned with his too-cool-to-care image, which he maintained via his twitter (and his mother and grandmother's twitters), his "I'm hosting the Oscars" backstage documentary, and occasionally, the actual on stage duties of hosting the Oscars ("Congratulations, nerds," he quipped after the technical awards recap). The New York Times described it as Debbie Reynolds hosting with James Dean. Perhaps. But they at least would have made it work, instead of making it look like work.

Thankfully, when the beautiful are bad, the aged get assertive. Enter the Quintet of Oldies who stole the Oscars, after the JUMP!

1.) Kirk Douglas, 94, has the best sex of the night when, after confessing that all he wants is a beautiful woman, he makes the 5 supporting actress nominees quiver in anticipation as he milks announcing the winner..."you know....you know...you know..."

2.) Upon winning her Oscar, Melissa Leo, 50, got even more attention than her fabulous faux-fur Oscar ads when she observed "when I watched Kate two years ago it looked so fuckin' easy! Whoops!"

3.) Notable second best Oscar host of all time, Billy Crystal (62 but surgically younger), introduced the best Oscar host of all time, Bob Hope (107 and decomposing), who proceeded to demonstrate how it's done.

4.) David Seidler, 73, wins an Oscar for original screenplay, makes a moving tribute to stutterers, and jokes about being a "late-bloomer." He's one of the few winners able to find their voice on stage.

5.) James Franco's Grandma (that's her real name) announces to a billion people that she "just saw Marky Mark" and then parties the night away at Supperclub.

Aaron Sorkin Wins...Gives Film Spork Staff Hope

2011-02-27T19:22:00.000-08:00

I am honored to announce that THE Aaron Sorkin won a bald golden guy statue thing. As none-of-you know he graduated from the same university as our staff at Film Spork. It sorta gives us hope that maybe we can survive long enough on our crappy restaurant income to make/write a movie that means something. Sorkin if you are reading this, please give us jobs, Syracuse University was expensive! Seriously, I'm hungry.

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