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Movie Review: 50 Shades of Grey

2015-02-26T10:33:00.001+11:00

After much vaunted hype and hate, we have finally arrived at the 50 Shades of Grey film. With an inbuilt audience, whether this film was going to make money was never in question, however the burning question is – was it any good?

In case you’ve been living under a rock, here is story in a nutshell Literature student Anastasia Steele's (Dakota Johnson) life changes forever when she meets handsome, yet tormented, billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). Having glanced briefly at the book and the good/bad/naughty parts – depending on where your tastes lay – so this won’t be a book v film comparison and nor should it, the film is an adaptation.

We are quickly thrown into the first meeting between the messy, anxious Ana and the very together Christian, the two leads do manage to create some intensity and chemistry, unfortunately that goes missing for the rest of the film when they really need it. Dakota Johnson does a fine job as Ana, her mannerisms and the quite natural way she plays the character make her easy to watch, she can definitely act. Dornan’s Grey…is either hamstrung by his dialogue (which is a problem throughout the film for just about everyone) or by the way he chose to play him. He is stilted in his delivery which I think harks back to the lack of chemistry, it’s difficult to convey that he wants/needs Ana when everything he does seems so very clunky.

Sam Taylor-Johnson directs the film adequately not trying anything that outlandish (except for a helluva a lot of helicopter panning shots) which is a shame because the scenes in the red room could’ve done with some flourishes. I understand they wanted the film to be more accessible and thus have less explicit parts but however it lost a lot of impact, especially seeing all the equipment at their disposal in the red room. A braver decision would’ve been to go – pardon the pun – a bit harder in these scenes so the others scenes outside of the bedroom would have more resonance. Interestingly enough the scene in which the do go hard and actually get quite visceral has caused the most furore.

The story ends up going a little dark but it does so by going from zero to two hundred. There is barely a lead in to Grey’s dark secret or past and story didn’t build to that point, it just sailed along on the vanilla river it had created for itself. The film was too afraid to offend people nor did it want to titillate people too much, it tried playing both sides. I guess that was the issue I had most with the film, for a film that played mostly like a romantic drama/comedy it painted itself into a corner, so when the juicy stuff came along it to couldn’t escape or raise the film above the average.

Sometimes in a Box

2014-08-26T13:57:00.000+10:00

Creepy Uncle Kobai never really liked me because I knew things, two things -

He wasn’t really my uncle.

I know what happens here.

I never knew my parents - they died in a horrible accident, this is what I was told.

I was told that creepy Uncle Kobai was my next (and only) of kin. So I had to live with him.

I didn’t get a choice in the matter.

I was ushered off to live with him, in the suburbs.

The last suburb on the edge of the town, in the last street after that was nothing, only grass and trees reaching till the horizon. Looking back the other way was the town.

I was never allowed to go into the town centre though.

Uncle Kobai told me that they were different.

They didn’t like outsiders.

That’s what Uncle Kobai told me.

My mornings consisted of cleaning oddly coloured streaks and flecks from the cream coloured walls of the house. Using only one bucket and one cloth, the water in bucket became very sickly brown looking, so there I was cleaning the walls but in reality was just sloshing more and more murky, brown water onto the already discoloured walls.

I know how they got there.

Uncle Kobai refers to himself as the creator.

Uncle Kobai was a bad man, that’s what I know.

Some nights, Uncle Kobai would put me in a box. ‘Coffin’ was the word he used.

Inside the box there wasn’t much room and when the lid went on - it was dark.

Darker than dark and blacker than black, the box was not a happy place.

I’d hear noises when I was inside the box, muffled voices, shuffling and chanting. Sometimes I’d knock and there’d be screams, sometimes there wouldn’t.

This is how I know Uncle Kobai is different.

I can’t go outside – that’s what Uncle Kobai said.

I couldn’t go outside in daytime or the night time. I don’t know why.

He said it was the neighbours.

He showed my through the window. There they were - milling about looking at the house and then talking amongst themselves. In unison, they all turned their heads toward me and stared, there were some children there - I waved at them but they screamed and ran away.

I can’t go outside; this is what Uncle Kobai said.

Uncle Kobai didn’t like regular food.

He only wanted meat that had been hunted first before killing. Uncle Kobai said the fear the animals felt was what made the meat taste better. I once watched Uncle Kobai eat some raw meat from a fresh animal that had been delivered to him, no knife and fork, just teeth. Ripping into it, he looked more like a rabid dog, with stringy meat hanging from his teeth.

It made my stomach growl. I felt hungry but it didn’t feel right to be hungry.

Something was wrong with Uncle Kobai.

Stay Out.

That was the warning on the door.

Uncle Kobai’s room…I have never been inside. Sometimes I think I hear more than one voice in the room. Sometimes I know there is.

One evening I watched Uncle Kobai come home, walking through the mist dragging a sack behind him. He stopped at the door and I watched as the sack moved. Uncle Kobai smashed the sack with a hammer. The sack was silent and still.

This is how I know Uncle Kobai is different.

It was morning which meant cleaning and I saw more neighbours, a gathering crowd really. They are now edging ever closer to the door of the cottage. I pressed my face up against the window to get a closer look at the neighbours, one them saw me and started crying.

I quickly turned away from the window. My stomach was grumbling again and I don’t understand why I think the way I do.

I was in the box when I heard it. Somewhere outside of the box, there was a moaning. I heard a crash then uncle Kobai cursing. After uncle Kobai’s cursing had ceased, I hear the sound of something solid being dragged along the floor until I can hear it no more. My darkness is totally obliterated by Uncle Kobai as he rips the top off the box. I slowly climb out and Uncle Kobai points to floor and says ‘Clean it!”

I look at the marks on the floor. Red pools of liquid, then long red marks leading all the way to and under Uncle Kobai’s bedroom door. Uncle Kobai looks at me for a long time. His eyes, totally fixed on me. I close mine.

This is how I make things go away.

I watched this time.

He wanted me to watch.

Uncle Kobai normally sends me away but I watched. He made me watch.

He had a small girl tied to a chair, with silver coloured tape over her mouth. All she did was cry as Uncle Kobai started to chant. Unlce Kobai’s chanting became more and more frenzied as the girl’s face was now slick with tears. Uncle Kobai produced a knife from inside the jacket he was wearing. Chanting whilst holding the knife high above his head, Uncle Kobai without any hesititation brought the knife down hard on girl’s chest. The girl was weezing with a look of shock on her face. The sounds she was making didn’t seem real. Uncle Kobai made the knife disappear another three times inside the girl. Then the girl was silent. Uncle Kobai untied the girl and dragged her corpse into his bedroom slamming the door.

I don’t like the noises coming from Uncle Kobai’s room.

Uncle Kobai left in a hurry for the town this morning, I watched as he walked silently but quickly past the gathering crowd that are now keeping a vigil. They all spat at him, even producing a cross which uncle Kobai looked at them laughed then kept on walking. They all turned and looked back toward the House. I turned away when they looked at me. I hear the muffled cries from outside. They yell at me.

This is how I know I am different.

For the second morning uncle Kobai had left in rush. This time it was early in the morning. It was cold but then it always seemed cold in the house, even when uncle Kobai deemed it necessary to start a fire.

I hear the voices coming from uncle Kobai’s room. Only this time they are clearer than ever. This time the door was slightly ajar.

I gradually made my way into uncle Kobai’s room, slowly gliding past the big wooden door and into the room. I’m not sure what I was expecting but it was just a normal room. A bed and a cupboard is all that populates the room. I look around the room. I know I heard voices. I stop turning to face the cupboard, my interest fixed on it.

I can hear the noises coming from inside the cupboard.

I slowly reach forward my hand striving for the cupboard door handle. I fling it open.

Nothing there…until a pale faced boy comes hurtling out of the cupboard and pins me to the floor, only it isn’t a pale boy. We both study each other’s face…slowly; my opponent sniffs me like an animal would. I am looking straight at its face…when I realize.

I see the stitches on her neck, her hands…but they don’t look like her hands. She seems complete without being completed…Then looking at my own hands I know.

We hear Uncle Kobai open the back door and we look at each other. Hiding in the cupboard with my new found sister…we both know what is going to happen.

Uncle Kobai calls for me.

I don’t answer.

Uncle Kobai notices his door is open. He storms into the room demanding to know where I am.

We stay silent in the dark cupboard.

Uncle Kobai pulls the doors of the cupboard open.

Uncle Kobai sees us.

We move forward.

Uncle Kobai was a bad man.

Uncle Kobai is screaming.

Uncle Kobai is soft.

Uncle Kobai is in pieces.

Our hands are red, our mouths are red.

Movie Review: Killer Legends ~ Haddonfield Horror

2014-08-18T08:58:00.001+10:00

Movie Review: Killer Legends ~ Haddonfield Horror

Movie review: Guardians of the Galaxy - for Nerdspan.com

2014-08-04T16:23:00.002+10:00

http://www.nerdspan.com/movie-review-guardians-of-the-galaxy-2014-2/

Movie Review: The Drownsman ~ Haddonfield Horror

2014-07-24T13:09:00.001+10:00

Movie Review: The Drownsman ~ Haddonfield Horror

Movie Review: Under The Skin - For Nerdspan

2014-07-09T15:40:00.002+10:00

http://www.nerdspan.com/movie-review-under-the-skin-2014/

Movie Review: Haunt ~ Haddonfield Horror

2014-07-04T14:59:00.001+10:00

Movie Review: Haunt ~ Haddonfield Horror

Movie Review: Godzilla for Nerdspan

2014-06-26T12:02:00.001+10:00

http://www.nerdspan.com/movie-review-godzilla-2014-2/

Movie Review: The Babadook (2014) ~ Haddonfield Horror

2014-06-26T11:57:00.001+10:00

Movie Review: The Babadook (2014) ~ Haddonfield Horror

Movie Review: All Cheerleaders Die ~ Haddonfield Horror

2014-06-26T11:54:00.001+10:00

Movie Review: All Cheerleaders Die ~ Haddonfield Horror

Movie Review: Willow Creek for Nerdspan

2014-06-26T11:53:00.001+10:00

http://www.nerdspan.com/movie-review-willow-creek-2014/

Clown Shoes - A kind of poem.

2014-05-15T10:10:00.000+10:00

A pair of clown shoes are parked at the foot of my bed, bright red and comically large. They belong to a clown named Clarence who would visit me every night. Clarence would talk to me as I lay in my bed, he would lecture like a parent. Don’t talk to strangers he would say. You were a stranger I say. But I have always been watching you he says. Every time you are alone, I’m watching. When you have that feeling of being watched? That’s me. When you get a shiver down your spine? I’m breathing on your neck. I’m always watching. I’m always waiting. To drag you under the bed.