Finding Jake.

Restarting, replaying, rethinking weekends.

2014-07-19T23:55:00.002+08:00

When's the last time, 4 or 5 months ago? Doesn't matter. I got out of my study life, in most circumstances, gladly and finally.

But I find myself questioning what I should be doing now then. From now on, there shall be no such things as having classes on weekends, no lectures, no classmates, no breaks.

If there's one thing that's somewhat obviously a saddening truth, is that your friends are all over the places. It's going to be very difficult to find a convenient reason to hang out, to simply put at it.

Since, I never really express the desire to strengthen our friendship, especially amongst the female companions. I don't see how a "do you want to hang out?" would be appropriate now. Regrettably. Often I believe the time consuming and overall importance of such a request is too much.

With my personality, I can't really do anything about it but it is exactly because of that, I don't like my weekends.

My nephews come over on weekends, it is not that I don't like them, in fact, they are very precious little families. But, the thing about introverts and peace loving people, it's very exhausting and stressful to just be in the whole environment.

And I can't tolerate it forever, due to reasons, my parents have to help care for them. To which I'm in a dilemma, my parents are not how they used to be, and because of the "reasons", their hands are tied until for an indefinite time.

For this very circumstances, I always want to go out on weekends but always felt guilty about it.

Am I wrong to feel this way? To think I'm still not ready and have no desire to help relieve some of these from my brother and parents?

I still have a genuine wanting of exploring, socialising or just being free to do what I like. But it's like there are invisible shackles chaining down on me, unchaining them only pains me further.

Try, try and keep on trying.

2014-05-05T23:41:00.003+08:00

If first you don't succeed, try until you die.

It seems wherever I am, whoever I meet. I can't seem to be close to a girl. The more effort I put in one, the quicker she shuts me away.

Ironically, the ones that are still friends, are not as close but they are there, still acknowledging you as a friend.

I decided to believe it's just my rather weak social skills and anti-social tendencies failing my attempts to befriend a girl.

I indeed, do not know how, besides for my mother, my whole my family consists of all male. The only lesson my mum taught me, was to treat a girl with the up most standard. The further information I obtain is just through observation, movies, cartoons, animes, dramas and what not.

Unfortunately, the problem cannot be solved in such a way, for that I lack the most important thing, how to be a friend.

I have never, through my own full initiative and effort, to befriend a guy or a girl. It is always someone taking the first step or a guiding hand to another. What is too warm a friendly act or too cold a stranger's shoulder, I cannot decide the correct choice without knowing what was wrong in the very beginning.

But truly, I can see that I'm making all the wrong choices, with the wrong persons. Vast is the different personalities found in each person.

I only know what I liked in other people, but not what other people would like in me.

This confusing dilemma drives me so, but I still continue to search for more answers, whether right or wrong.

Try, try and keep on trying.

Late Night Statements

2014-02-21T04:37:00.001+08:00

Ah well, I don't really have anything ready to talk about. Just wasting time.

Come to think of it, there's probably not a lot of things I haven't written in my blog, save for some dark secrets.

Just so you know, I write in short paragraphs because they are just separate thoughts, I don't really have a intro, content and conclusion format going on.

But overall, I've really mentioned almost everything about myself, although not in detail. The cycle just repeats, life hasn't change that much to mention something new.

I'm still that person that uses a mind to talk instead of using the mouth.
And still wanting to talk to a girl.

But to be wishful, a girl that actually has the initiative and desire to befriend/talk with me at most times. It is indeed, a wishful thought, even if it the girl's intention to be just friends.

Regardless, that's because I have a problem talking with girls. Because I have rather peculiar interests which most people wouldn't have; and have disinterest in things common to society.

Not that I don't like talking to people with different interests than me, I just don't know what to comment or add on to that sort of conversation.

Strangely enough, maybe truly just misfortune but I happen to talk to girls who are rather, 'technologically isolated'. Seldom use of social network or even phones etc.. How do you keep in contact with them if they don't live near you?

I've been failing to try and keep a consistent communication with this girl recently and it kinda bugs. Even more introverted than me, or that she doesn't like talking to me. Got her phone number, and no reply. Tried to sit with her but it has been difficult to give priority to current friends or her.

I realised, that I'm not really fond of doing something that doesn't give apparent result. Talking to girls is like trying to figure out how to program an AI; you don't know if you're writing the correct codes so that it will response to future commands entered.

If you talk to guys, you just have to ask what's their favourite game or hobby and you're done; he'll just start telling you the tales and achievements. The next day, they will automatically talk with you with just a little push again.

With girls, it's more complicated than that, you talk to them today, you're like talking to a responsive AI. Tomorrow, you're expected to do most of the talking again.

Of course I will start to doubt my socialising skills. I would think about if it's because when I speak in mandarin, in actuality it's 40% mandarin and 60% English. But it isn't, if that's the case, why can I talk to guys without problem then?

I would understand I haven't notice this because I mostly converse with my family and they are used to the way I talk.

Ah well, I haven't talk to a lot of people recently, so I can't be sure. I type more than I speak in real life.

Although now, you could say I type even less now. I just got tired of initiating conversations with girls that will never do the same in turn.

Why? You can say I belittle myself, when you look at girls realistically, or people in general, you're not really someone that holds a special in their heart.

Closeness to people is what I'm lacking, you wouldn't really want to chat with some classmate, over your childhood friend.

I never knew how to be close to people, only how to have fun. That was my SMK era; and when I thought of making long lasting friends, I believed that meant making memorable events with them. But because of my social anxiety, the high wall I built came crumbling down.

What happened 3 years ago, this month, I can never forget. It doesn't matter if I can forgive myself or not, it's the turning point in the past I can't change, but has lead to devastating events in the future that instead forever changed my life.

I wish I could still share deeper thoughts with them, or you, like we used to. But hey, as far as I'm concerned. When I deleted my FB and Twitter accounts, I'm as good as if I didn't exist in your life before I came back.

Now? Now I just go out and observe people, and go back home.

Happy belated CNY, V-Day and any other events I missed out blogging about.

Finally succumbing to insanity?

2014-02-07T03:42:00.000+08:00

Having lapses of 'lost', it feels like I'm losing the ability to think ahead.

It is a feeling very unknown to me. Like my thoughts are being stopped from becoming complex.

It doesn't last long, but enough to make me worry. Been frequently happening since CNY.

And I thought I'm doing better now. Maybe it'll be gone when I attend classes again.

I can't start to lose my mind now. Not when I have someone to look forward to share with my thoughts.

So, 2014.

2014-01-02T15:17:00.002+08:00

Part 2, I guess. It was late and I needed to rest. (Most used words besides 'probably' and 'just', my vocab is so limited)

So where did I left, oh yeah, salvation. Well let's talk about my 'fake salvations' then.

They are more like momentary happiness because afterwards it's something that I personally shouldn't do.

Online chatting being the main one I'm emphasising, or overall online socialising. Although not proud of, but I know the in's and out's of it. I best communicate with people clearly through written sentences; you've got plenty of time to correct them.

What I like about this method, is it's comfortable and instantaneous; and also why I don't like about them.

Do you see people fiddling with their phone/tablets almost everywhere? Or you yourself does that? It is a major problem but the majority does not care for it. The reason being people are bypassing actual and real socialising circumstances.

I sit in class, I see the majority of people just looking down at a screen, instead of chatting with the person beside them or paying attention to lectures. I walk in shopping malls, I see couples sitting together,fiddling with their phones.

People don't realise this but, even when you're doing anything at this moments, you 'are' doing something. Gadgets shouldn't be the first thing to remove that awkwardness; that AWKWARDNESS is much needed.

If both people would embrace this feeling, they will start to look or think about things to entertain each other. We would look at each other, notice all the little things, knowing each other better.

If playing phones is what you do most of the time even when you go out, then why bother hanging out when you're concern with your online social 'commitments'. Malaysia's not a safe place to show that expensive phones without caution either.

This is coming from someone who doesn't even have the chance to do that. At least not anymore. Like always, I only notice things when I lose them and you can never really get them back.

Social networks just doesn't work for me, when posts statuses or share stuff, it's like writing on a wall where no one really cares.

Chatting was a momentary happiness, but it never felt true. I can only talk about more sentimental stuff with girls online, but it never felt like they were listening or interested. Maybe it is excuse but none of the girls I've talk to really spend time chatting online.

What can I can do though? I was never close and I can never be more close. So again, it was like talking to myself, since replies are like 5 words on average. I was just lying to myself that I do have someone to talk to.

Couple with the fact, girls don't initiate conversations. So it really delve down to, chatting to this girl until I really have nothing relevant to talk about and moving to the next one.

Although at first, my intention when I first tried online chatting, was to find that special someone. But it was really just trying to find a girl that listens and wants to talk to me when the year came to an end.

Well, I'm all out of potential girls to chat with, so that's really the end of it. I could never really accept such a fact but, I guess I sort of went through the 'Five Stages of Grief", didn't I?

I was in denial, I couldn't possibly have no girl friends to talk to.
I was angry, why these girls are just not interested in me.
I was bargaining, maybe if I tried different approaches, things will go as I had wished.
I was depressed, when all opportunities had been exhausted, I felt there's really no hope for the way I had chosen to live.

And I am probably in the acceptance stage.
There's really nothing I can do about it, a bond between two people can't be simply created or strengthened. The fate of meeting a person who can become a part of life, sharing mind and body, is not something I decide, or is bound to happen.
I really just have to accept, I'm alone, in my mind and body. For what I can share with the I already know, I shall continue to share. But any place deeper, I just have to be content that I only know and feel.

Happy New Year.

Hey, 2013.

2014-01-02T05:01:00.001+08:00

Woo, a whole year passed. Well, again doesn't really apply to people like me, since classes never ends exactly within a calender year.

It's been a special year, half of it was spent in UK was because of it. With only family in my mind and entertainment at my desk, I manage to live in a somewhat solitary life. No life changing events but it was nice overall.

I think it's mainly because I believe I could start a sort of 'clean slate' in life, nothing there reminded me of the past except for the few familiar friends. I could pretend none of it really matter nor happened and that I've always been a lone wolf.

Well, sucks that such a 'fantasy' never lasts. Malaysia's still my home and I came back to taste the bitterness again.

It's weird, supposively all the happy memories should be back in college but that one or two bad ones stick around like superglue, you can never really get it off.

All I got from the second half of this year, was that it's too late to make new friends or mend broken bonds or strengthen current ones for that matter.

"No time for a nobody" to simply put it I guess. Since the way I treat people, I'm most likely at the bottom of everyone's list to socialise with.

CLP classes are rather unsuitable for anything but intense learning.

My only few salvation from such bitterness, was music, painting, gaming, youtube and my own company.

The older you get, the less desire to pursue.

2013-12-16T02:46:00.001+08:00

Inevitably but not surprisingly I have come back here again.

I'm sure you, who ever you are, know the drill. In any case, it's good to write down the bad stuff. It means I'm mostly wiling to move on from this thoughts and conclude on them.

What comes first in my mind is that I'm getting numb over not being able to relate to a new girl any deeper than acquaintances.

I've been, 'chatting' with girls, mostly not in the real world. It has come to my first realisation, it's never going to work. If you don't have any chance of actually conversing with them in real life and for reasonable length, such mode of communication can't be primary one to be used.

Hypocritical as I may sound, I don't encourage online socialising at all. Debating sure, but you can only do little in terms of feeling actual thoughts of people in the cold screen. Any forms of it just deteriorates what spontaneous and honest conversations can be held between persons.

That's the thing though, people who don't have time in the real world relies on it. So much they feel actual speech is too cumbersome or time-consuming. Somehow work/studies have occupied people's lives completely.

At least, that's from my perspective, which is quite limited. Such a situation may appear as so because people that I know, just doesn't wish to put precious time on me. I have come to notice, secondly, that people do have time to do other things, giving ample of it as needed. The number of people I truly connect with, is only a handful, but I'm not considered to be someone important in their life, a third party; a side character; a person amongst a crowd.

But I'm getting sidetracked, who's to say I'm right or wrong about the things I say. Only I can feel what I feel, believe what I believe, see what I see.

Now, I don't particularly care the end result or the time I should spend trying. I ask a question, i get a response, then I reply back; rinse and repeat until either of us gets bored.

I would rather lie to myself than face an empty life than can be prolonged from happening.

.

Writing to myself again, welcome back.

2013-10-02T03:00:00.001+08:00

I'm at that state of limbo now, when you have mixed feelings of happiness and sadness.

It's been more than a month now, since my previous post. Again, I like to keep it that way.

In some ways I'm busy, although I'm physically free from work or studies; my mind has been preoccupied by many thoughts. Again, a person having too much time on his own develops a sort of weird habit.

Classes has started for about month now. Can't really say much but it's the usual routine only that I I have to try and do more than usual when I was in UK.

Being me and having cut off communication multiple times with some friends, I don't know how everyone has been doing these days. I only knew somethings as I came back and asked about it from a friend. Things could never have been much different from what I imagined.

Then again, it hasn't changed much, the atmosphere is still pretty much the same as before when I was in Aber; a large class and myself.

Life just goes on, the world doesn't revolve around me. I just recently talked to my mother about leaving Facebook before I created another one in UK. My family never knew quite well why. Though she understood it as I vaguely explained to her.

I never quite took the perspective from the other side as how she simply showed me.

"What if your friends did the same thing?" - I guess I would start to think that they don't want to do anything with me either, because they'll think I don't want to be friends anymore. And that's why nobody really did care much, even if they saw you in real life.

Not to forget why I did it, I'll mention it here again. I did it because it was getting seriously unhealthy for me, since I used to post status updates like nobodies business. Negative thoughts at those moments in time just keeps flowing through, typing whatever I felt like. I was addicted to Facebook in a bad way. The only thing kept from deleting it sooner was the amount of memories I created for myself and others. I just needed to move on and it was the only way possible.

Even now, I hesitate to blog here, because I know I won't write anything happy, honestly sad thoughts. But with a loner's life, you just have to pour your heart's dirty blood somewhere.

On to the second part.

Since there's absolutely no time for a nice chat when I go to college now. Making friends through online seems like my only option, although it's not really a good option. Trying to be real and honest is 'virtually' very difficult. I met this girl in class, was a friend of a friend but never actually talked in real life. So I decided to add and chat her on FB.

Long story short, she's not much of a typer and not as free as most people are. Regardless, because I've always regretted not doing anything to show how I feel directly to a person, I made hasty invitation. Ever since then, we've never chatted and I deleted her from my list. Surprisingly, I didn't regret asking her out.

Now, now I'm just a tiny bit optimistic and hopeful. A girl who messages me first on a forum, a once in a lifetime miracle happened. We've never met but somehow, I just don't want to let go of her just yet, I might have actually found someone who has time to talk and probably wants to. It was very important to me because of my lifestyle. There's not much I can say, I just have to be patient and careful this time. But patience for love hasn't been one of the things I'm good at.

If she's not the one, then at the least I want to meet her. To say thanks for lending her time for me, even though it was just for a bit.

Subconsciousness is a b*tch.

2013-08-07T15:25:00.003+08:00

Some times you think you have gotten over a thing that happened in the past and you've already moved on, you might have thought wrong.

(Hey, I'm back, haven't updated for a loooong time, cause, well, life's been great, solo-tastic.)

Since I went to UK, I've given the "OK" to myself to consider going out with someone I'm interested, there's various reasons but mainly cause my studies weren't going to be affected that much anymore and soon I'll have to 'step into the real world' anyways.

I've kept my promise to my parents and did good. I've graduated with a Second Upper Class. I'm happy that my family is proud of me, but doesn't seem a grand achievement when most of us gotten it with the difficulty not as most people have perceived.

But I digress, I'm sure it is my limited view of other classmates for my opinion. In any case, not saying I'm alone, but I was pretty much living with myself for 9 months. Contrary to might what people think, I was quite relieve that I'm rid off most societal interactions and just be free in my own world.

I was truly being myself, but I guess that's the problem. More or less, it weakened any bond that I have with friends that are not within my near location, and even my might have cut them off from my life.

For the time right now, it is impossible for me to know more people, and so the possibility of a date happening would just be a miracle.

Well, my "not having a relationship for my entire life" wouldn't be a problem, because I've let fate decide that for me. The problem is my stupid subconsciousness.

I have been having annoying dreams lately, dreams about the girl I've liked in the past going out with someone from my past that I've never met for years. I wake up feeling like crap and felt like that for much of the day, which affects my daily activities.

It's strange, you think you got over a person, but the past seems to come back to haunt you. What does it take to be rid of it, completely?

With my personality and my promise, no relationship was possible. But I guess some part of me do regret the decisions I make.

It is as people say, if you didn't make things clear, show how you truly feel, you will always wonder what could have happen and regret the chances you had lost for the rest of your life.

Hah, you'd thought removing every physical and digital things that reminded you of them, they will slowly fade away from your mind. But as long as it has been scarred into your brain, you'll remember whether or not you want to or not.

Unrequited loves suck.

Nothing to update = good thing.

2013-03-16T22:34:00.000+08:00

Yeah, just telling myself, there's nothing to blog about. In other words, nothing to grief/whine/criticise about.

Which is good, means I'm busy and worrying less about myself and being single. Seeing what relationships have to go through to stay together, I don't think it's worth my effort to force myself to change and pursue love, when there's no mutual feeling, not even one bit.

Living quite comfortably with myself, and I mean just caring for myself. I need to be able to stand on my own whatever the situation is, before I'm capable of helping others. I don't want to see friends as just stepping stones to a social life, but to help each other equally. I'd rather stay away then be a burden to them.

Good day then, to my readers and myself.

V-day

2013-02-15T06:56:00.001+08:00

Hey, don't mind that picture, I look way worse.

Anyways, hey Valentine's Day came. How are you going about it on this day, readers? I pretended it's not a thing throughout the day, since I have the usual lectures going on.

And hey, still no progress. It's not working I guess as normal, my way that is. Social networks suppose to make things easier, aren't it?

This girl, or any girl I'm interested in for that matter, aren't seem to be technologically dependent I guess. As in they are rather not integrated as much as guys in terms of communicating. I don't know, is this true or it's really just because it's weird to talk to someone in the internet first?

It's really hard to chat like this though. Do you think it's possible to stay connected to the internet for almost the whole day? Because it doesn't seem like most people are, even though they have lots of friends.

Again, I'm not sure, I've been separated from the majority of previous social life, that I'd forgotten how I used to be able to chat with friends. Or maybe it's the very fact that I choose to talk to very few people.

It doesn't seem like she's interested. It's pretty obvious when a person just gives relatively Yes and No answers to you when you're chatting, an immediate conversation finisher. It meant that there's nothing she wants to divulge to me nor anything that she wants me to share with. As if I'm forcing something that shouldn't be.

It could be because she doesn't type English words often, since she seems to type Chinese words more often in other places, if not all of them. But basically adds to the fact that talking to me becomes difficult to connect with me, though I understand either language just can't type Chinese words fast enough.

I might be jumping to conclusions but I've been trying for several times. It came to the point it felt like it was deliberate for her to avoid me. Most of the time there won't be any reason as to why, just no further response. I guess I have a hard time accepting that people in the campus don't have their phone's internet connection enabled for most of the time. With messages easily known whether or not they are read or at least had been notified, it's hard to believe you can avoid or miss them completely. I guess it's creepy? I'm not sure.

Ahh, well, it's not like I planned to do anything on this day, I've thought about giving chocolates like the two years ago but I guess it became pointless to do so. I might just be hoping some kind of fantasy to happen. The day still bugs me though.

My hair has never been this long before, it's kinda exciting to see how shoulder length or waist length is going to be like for me. Don't plan on cutting until I get back to home. And even then, I might consider keeping it long if I like it, whether or it's going to be a pain. But then it's curling to the front...

Just lovesick, or selfish lovesick.

2013-01-28T21:31:00.000+08:00

Have you ever been lovesick, even though there are people who likes you whether or not it was indirectly or directly, but you never gave them a chance nonetheless.

Wouldn't it be a bit selfish to say, you have nobody now?

I wouldn't know, you'd think it's because I'm a guy and I'm pretty dense to see things like this. But knowing myself, any trace or bits of clue that I'm liked by someone, I will definitely know for sure. But the fact is, there's none. That's the most confounded thing in my life actually.

I'd question myself, what am I lacking. I admit though, back then my priority was just education and personal development, relationship was something I never dared to try to find, even though there temptations. Also because I stay to true to my promise when my mum told me so and the fact that adolescent relationships are rarely stable.

Next was confidence, at first I thought, you know maybe I was overweight and didn't look attractive much. But it was just because I wasn't confident; brave enough to be direct about my feelings and before I knew it, I was too late.

You don't know how many times I think back all the chances I could have tried. You can literally see the regret in your decision if you didn't take any action. I wished I've watched youtube videos earlier in my life. The phrase 'what do you have to lose?' should have embedded in my mind.

The problem is, if you like a person but you've just been friendly to her since the beginning, the chances are she'll think you as just a friend and it gets harder to fess up. I was too shy for my own good.

Back in A-levels, ahhh.. that's 4 or 5 years ago, huh? Time flies and it's still the freshest memories I had. Anyway, I was a cameraman/vlogger for my friends there for a couple years I guess until recently. A lot had happened but because of my deteriorating studies, I had to stop. Things start to be a bit clearer on my real social situation.

Simply, I wasn't a bit social in life at all. I've grown so accustomed to just filming or photographing people, I was practically mute if no one tried to talk to me. It became, very difficult to even think of relationships. It was as if I had to start from zero again.

Only up until now, do I try a little again since in most circumstances, you can say I literally left my past behind and went to somewhere else to start again. I gain back some confidence, what's there to lose when you have nothing to begin with, might as well dive head first into the ground. Since I've been living with myself, I'm actually controlling what, when and how I live, sort of.

At least I notice that I don't over eat when I cook, people are saying I'm getting thin but I don't really see the difference maybe very little. My hair grew to shoulder length too, I was thinking to keep growing my hair to medium-long even after I have left UK (which would be a sad day), but really depends how I look with long hair. I'm hoping it looks like those scholars from animes which looks graceful and cool but damn my dandruff problem.

Still no success though, at most I can just go straight in fb and chat with someone I'm interested. One thing I realise is, people nowadays at least for me, chat to either get help or plan something. Even if it is trivial chit chat, it'll be rare. Even rarer, discussing something deep.

Anywoop, although I still fail to connect threads, I can tell myself I tried and that, readers, is a huge step for me.

Sleeping Early or Late.

2013-01-12T11:42:00.000+08:00

It's hard to get up in the morning when there's no class.

That or my dreams are getting very surreal, I would know it's a dream because I'll notice inconsistencies by trying to remember how I get to a place.

For an example, the last dream was about my family visiting me, even though we're in different continents but I'll think it makes sense for quite sometime. Waking up just confuses me, like it feels not right to be here, then immediately I'll easily go to sleep again.

Anyhow, life's been swell. I haven't been in a very depressed mood since everyone went out for Christmas and till now. It's actually comforting to have a place all to yourself and not feeling alone.

"You can't be alone, if there's no one around," a quote from an anime called Tonari no Kaibutsu (can't believe I remember the name) that I just recently watched and read an unfinished manga. The story talks about a studious girl who only concerns about her grades meets a trouble child who falls in love with her because she accidently helped him to go to school.

The main characters' relationship development is very interesting and all but what kept me watching was the fact they flesh out all the other characters too, even if you thought they weren't the focus of the story.

The point is that it talks about unrequited loves in a realistic and interesting way. I've been thinking romantic or slice of life animes and especially the good ones are able to connect the audience very well with their characters. Mainly because the characters most of the time represents our personality, since we're never always an extremely optimistic or severely introverted person throughout our days of living.

And like I've said probably months ago, I learn and consider life values mainly from animes and sometimes even games. In fact they actually help me get through a phase in life quite effectively and it's just recently.

That help is usually in the form of an advice on my situation or a different perspective in life compared to mine.

For this one, I used to think I should force myself not to like someone since it's mostly if not always just me and a girl will have a weird thing (a BF).

But after watching this, I realise I was just denying what I truly feel, whether or not it's temporary or we don't have such a mutual feeling. Further thinking about it, I don't really have a lot to lose having this feelings, better yet nothing will happen or change for the worse. It's only worse if I believe it to be.

I thought confessions were the worst things you can do to destroy a friendship. Yes it might be, if we were anything that close. Note the 'we' I'm using now is any person I will or still have feelings for, no one entirely specific. Anyways, even though it might not be, "I love you", it's still a "I like you".

From here on out, if I really like a person, it'll be the first thing I mention before being misunderstood or making a fool out of myself. What the heck, right? My intentions need to be clear on whether or not I just want to be friends, or have a chance to be more than that. But what ever happens after is up to the other person really.

I'll just be frank, if there's one thing I learn from the past, is that there's not a lot of people who understands underlying intentions in my words, or I'm not really good with indirect confessions.

However, since I'm pretty much alone all this time, it'll be quite a while before anything happens again. Though whenever that is, one thing I have to make sure,

is that I don't mix the feeling of not wanting to be alone and actually liking a person. This recent feelings might just well be the former. I can't really like a person without knowing them much.

I'll have to give a chance to let them know more about me first. But that's for another time.

Summary 2012

2013-01-01T07:37:00.001+08:00

If I can remember half the things that had happened, wait a sec while I consult my own blog.

I'm back and, damn, I think 80% of the stuff is just crazy sh*t. Oh well, I don't think much has happened anyways.

I'll just try to remember the good and memorable times these, so it won't be in any particular order.

12 THINGS THAT I REMEMBER WAS GOOD.

1. I went to KLCC and watched Amazing Spiderman by myself. It was a, different experience.
2. My brother's wedding ceremony and I was the man in charge of recording and editing them. Wish I had my copy in my laptop. Was a busy time since it was in the middle of examinations.
3. Watched Resident Evil with brothers and one of the sister in law, don't remember which but it's the one that has fake Leon in it and Ada with a heavy Chinese accent.
4. Did some financial stuff related to Visa on my own.
5. Did most of financial stuff in UK, beat myself in the past I guess.
6. DIY steamboat with my family (just freaking remembered) on my birthday.
7. Went to Cameron Highland? Probably.
8. Went to Genting, again? Probably.
9. First time riding in a plane on my own, wouldn't be here if it weren't for that old lady's help.
10. Travelling and living abroad for the first time, ain't that grand?
11. Found a new hobby, archery. I love it.
12. Living in Aberystwyth, my second home, I love it too.

One thing might be true, I don't think I went out on any major event with friends this year at all. Oh wells, not like I wasn't seeing it coming.

And thus the year 2012 ends in 30 minutes. Was it a good year? Probably not the best or the worst but it is a year to remember. Because it's a year that has one of the most life changing experiences I had, a year that leaves a mark where I see the world differently a but more differently.

Oh, after today, would meant that I have been sober for a full year now. Congratulations to myself.

Oh oh, Happy New Year imaginary readers~~~

Hardest Objective = Accepting Life.

2012-12-22T08:24:00.000+08:00

I live by a couple of rules in life.

One of them being the "Tolerate, and then Accept" rule. Which whatever problem you encounter, be it eventful or a person, you have to tolerate it for a certain period of time before completely accepting it as part of your life. An example would be the nuisance that surrounds me.

[If you're reading this again, well, if that's the way you want to know me.]

The point though of this post is to make another 'revelation' on my life. I'm very tired right now so I might be just as straightforward as possible. its like 8 out of 10 girls I meet, which I'm attracted/have a crush/interested whatever you like imagine, are already in a relationship.

Now, I can tell you, it's not fate, although part of me think it is but it's just the way I am. My best guess so far is, girls who are emotionally stable and/or socially extroverted, will tend to or try to help or befriend people. Well I would like to tell myself, "because you're always either sad or angry at something most of the time. And so don't really have a valid reason to complain about this situation."

I admit, I can't find love on my own two feet, I DON'T want to. I'll never meet that someone, because I only know how to react, not ACT.

I ask myself why do I attract girls who are already in a relationship, but I already knew the answer.

And then, I blame it on fate, telling myself I'm destined to be single and putting them in front of me and telling me you'll never get anyone. Which I knew it's all just in the mind, I'm just screwing myself basically.

So freaking tired.

If there is God, Buddha or whatever, I just want to know why. Why can't the next girl I talk to be without this barrier? Why can't I live the way I like and still find love? Is this some kind of divine punishment on me? Because I've sinned?

I don't know how long I can tolerate this BS in life. Without knowing why it is like this; the purpose of this, I can't accept the way things are.

I can't accept the fact, the next girl I like, is inevitably going to be forbidden.

I would be fine with unrequited love, but I can't have it, if it is wrong.

Just this one time, I want to be simply honest.

2012-12-19T20:17:00.004+08:00

I couldn't say I have truly loved a girl, because I liked all the girls I had lovingly talked with.
I am simple and easy as that, because I rarely talk to be people, and even less when I can tell someone about my feelings.

People expect a man to be straightforward and shallow in his personality, to be emotionally strong. I try to behave in such a way, but my heart just disagrees with me, deep down inside I feel very frail and weak.

Love is too selfish a word if the other person doesn't feel the same way, but I am selfish.

Is it so wrong for a person to put so much thought in a person's simple gesture of kindness to your well-being?
I feel broken, lost-whatever you want to call it. This introverted personality of mine, I hate it. This simple non-life changing fate that I have, I hate it.

I'm jealous, of the things normal people like to do, which I never like doing. Why are there so little people like me?
If I had wish, it's a wish to have more people like me, so I wouldn't feel so different.

So I wouldn't feel like I'm a freak, a weirdo who loves someone just because she cares, for that tiny part of your life.

Just this one time, I want to be simply honest to myself.
I just want someone to love me and be with me, for who I am.

Re bow bow bow curve

2012-12-04T08:39:00.003+08:00

Last Wednesday, I went on a club trip to Bow Sports, guess what they sell. Most awkward trip I've been to, the seriously think I was the first only ever Asian to be on the trip, yay for being first? But it's different and fun nonetheless, although I wished I brought my earphones along, there was a lot of waiting involved and I don't like having nothing to listen to.

I wasn't expecting anything grand really, British buildings are mostly boring if you ask me, though the shop being partly a warehouse wasn't in my mind when went on the Google Car.

My recurve bow in all its shiny silver and all the pounds it sucked out from me. There are arrows and bags too that I bought. Was sad that not much of the stuff came with purple as an option.

I only get to string my bow on Saturday because *gasp* I didn't know how for sure.

And I still haven't shot it, anxiously waiting for Wednesday.

Although this is just me talking to myself, thanks to the club for giving me this opportunity and my seniors Dave and Emily for teaching me the bow stuff.

I'm really glad I picked up on archery. Wouldn't know how dull my life would be here if I didn't.

Really John, really?

2012-12-04T08:10:00.000+08:00

I like how everyone is discreetly religious. You can never really poke fun because they don't preach about the controversial stuff but just commonly acknowledging their faith.

Because admittedly you know there is some serious flaws in them when you question, at least I'm not as gullible as I used to be. But if you wish to describe the omnipotent being, it's really indescribable. Any kind of explanation we wish to give would be disproved, and I mean anything.

Nevertheless, if you asked me, I would first tell you, don't believe everything your religion tells you. The history behind it is just a story to get you interested, what you really want to keep in mind, is the basic virtues that it teaches. Virtues or moralities that is common to everyone and does not discriminate anything or anyone. You would soon realise all religions have similar values that they strife to teach, if only the world is not as divided as it is, all of them could just clump together and our descendants wouldn't know the difference. In short, religion is just moral studies with customs and traditions implemented by the founders, why? To create a sort of 'control', yet it fails miserably and becomes contradictory before our very individualism.

Funny thing about humans, we're genetically bred to be able to differentiate right and wrong, the feeling of compassion and empathy exists as long as the brain works fine, yet what shape most people as to who they are now is because of all these vast numbers of factors in this world that affects us. We look at an environment or guidance to do something; psychological, sociological, biological, economical, political factors.

So where do my belief belong? Atheism or Religion? Neither, I like being in the grey area. Mainly I just trust myself and what I think is right and what is real to me. If I believe in Buddha or something similar it's either I truly do so or I just wish so, do I control my fate? A bit of no but more towards a yes, I like to believe life is a gamble, I'm just playing it safe so I can choose my path more rationally which is rather I have a mildly fun life.

Am I evil? Hah, I make a lot of mistakes in life but I wouldn't say I'm evil. Neither am I good, because I only do what is right for me and others, the right choice is never always the kind and friendly one.

Can' remember or don't want to remember?

2012-11-27T05:10:00.002+08:00

Hahahah, do you realise how far down "love" is on the list of things I can do?

Hilarious.

Given the way I've been living, it's a miracle that there are still friends that talk to me.

I wonder how quick it was the number of friends I have dwindled down since this year.

I don't even remember half of the things that had happened this year, the classes on my second year are as cloudy as my memories during secondary school years.

Did it passed so meaninglessly? Recalling it gives me a headache. Silly me, I have my blog.

Though I'm not sure I want to remember.

In other news

Feeling better nowadays, mainly because I have other things to look forward.

I've bought a couple of shirts online, found out I like online shopping, most laziest shopping one can do. Let's hope I have enough for CNY.

The next best thing I look forward to, is getting my own bow. The archery club I joined had set up a trip to a place called Wolverhampton where a shop called BowSports to have us all get our own archery gear this Wednesday.

It's very costing though, I need to spend about 250 pounds inlcuding other things than just the trip. Another way of looking at it though, that is how much one army of miniatures that I play costs. So technically I'm buying another army, in the form of a kick-ass bow.

If you looked at my calender, you would think I'm some sort of maniac(maybe already am) because I wrote "archery" a lot in it. To be clearer, it's on the days that I have a session to train. Though I also calculated how many days is that (82). Still normal.

You could say it's only pure passion that's driving me to pursue archery. When there's so little you can do for fun here, the few you have becomes the things you constantly have in mind.

It's only because of this reason or at least mostly, that I will miss Aberystwyth a lot. The club members with positions will definitely be people who I'll remember even if they won't get to know me much, but I guess being the only committed Asian member might make me stand out.

But I'm here only for less than a year, then I have to say my goodbyes, goodbyes that may prove to last a very very long time.

The mind continues to wonder off.

2012-11-20T08:16:00.001+08:00

A test of my faith in myself? Perhaps.

There's these rare times I feel good being alone. I don't know why, but.

Whatever people are doing, they don't affect you, neither do you.

You just feel them; the people, the world around you, as if you were able to drift in that feeling.

Even though now, as I write, the kitchen is as noisy as usual but I couldn't care more than the previous times it is. If life is going to be like,well, I'm just going to embrace it.

I'm tired, but the 'good' kind of tired. Like the worries of the world momentarily loses its weight.
Feeling at peace.

Sometimes you wonder, if someone finally falls in love with you and you fall in love with her too. Would this feelings slowly, disappear?

You would only think of her, what's best for each other, what's it going to be like with her. An emotional obsession. Would this 'freedom' disappear?

For that matter, do I really need a girlfriend then? A relationship?
Thinking much about my past, when you're with yourself, things gets grey. No right and wrong path, just the path that suits you.

One thing I do know, is you can't stop feeling love. I love a lot of things although I give the impression that a girl is pretty much the thing often resides in my mind.
I love my family, although I don't show it.
I love life itself, regardless of its gruesome and cold side.
I love music, the thing that accompanies me most of the time.
I love creating, either art, story or videos.
I love games and anime, you could actually say my moral standings is shaped mainly by them.
I love studying, despite I find ways to reduce it, it's really just because it's not my top priority in life.

Last but not least, I love myself, the only person I try my best to make him happy. You could say this is sort of my conscience, my brain speaking to my heart or soul. The only person who understands me and, is always there for me. Might explain why I always look at my own hand for a good amount of time.

This increasing solitude just makes me realise, this 'loving someone' is really just my human instinct. It's not true love if I just jump around girls so frequently. It's just a feeling of needing someone to understand you, which is not alot of people do. They try; either they fail or I avoid confrontation.

One thing people will come to understand is close or best friends don't last once they found someone, at least not a lot. Whether or not they understand your situation or not, they just don't have the time for you.

With my 'unique' personality, I don't get a lot of people to understand me, or rather it's more of being misunderstood actually.

People change I guess, when once I enjoyed having a lot of friends, and now, I only cherish the ones that are true to me. I'm more quiet than I ever was, a sign of anti-social? No, I just like peaceful environments.

I came to UK, knowing well the time that I usually sleep will make me sleep early, something I want to take advantage of. Yet most people, here in my flat change for the worse, you'd actually sleep even later if you were in Malaysia.

I don't like to call myself mature, I'd even hate to admit. But somehow the things I'm interested seemed so different from people around my age. Is my mind growing older than my body? Or are people just more carefree of life?

Maybe some part of me have matured, or numbed, or got bored with something people normally enjoy. I have a slight tendency to like things not a lot of Malaysians do. But, am I not Malaysian? Is the ways my family have been living so different?

This outside world is so unknown and strange to me.

Hey.

2012-11-12T06:34:00.002+08:00

Off topic sentence here:

If you want to, we can talk like normal people talking through the internet. There is no need for indirect implications that leaves me wondering if I'm just being paranoid. Either way, reading anything from here is just mentally bad for yourself and others (like I said, I know), This blog is my dump site for emotional crap that I eventually forget about. If I'm that despicable or pathetic to know, it shouldn't be hard for you to stop reading.

Anyways, I like to update on more practical stuff.

Cooking, I've been learning to make sandwiches by just randomly experimenting with different kinds of meat, marinating them the same to see which tastes best, so far it's either beef or pork that tastes the nicest. I've been getting the hang of making omellete too, I realise 3 eggs is always the minimum to mix vegetables into it or else there won't enough egg for it to stick with.

It has by far saved me a lot of money on food. Although sandwiches is not the only things I make, it's the most easiest and fastest way to fill my tummy.

My hobby on minis is finally progressing at a satisfying rate now, it has been keeping me company most of the time. I've bought all that I want and it is just a matter of having the time to finish them all. I miss the shop back home, the club here has a very limited time to play and I'm busy around those days.

Busy as in on Wednesday I have archery to practice. So moving on to shooting arrows, Those few times I get to practice is very precious to me, I like it alot even though the couple doesn't come often because I genuinely wanted to become good at it. I look forward to the day I have could happily say "I own a bow". The coach that is teaching is not bad either, I realise everything about shooting an arrow has a factor to keep the mind onto, like the posture of your body, position of the arms, flexibility of the arrow, strength of the limbs of the bow etc...

Regardless, I have rather weak fingers when I pull the string of the bow and weak arm strength. Have been doing push ups and bought myself a shooting glove ever since.

There will be a beginner's competition soon and I like to join it.

It's just the initiation process for the club that I don't look forward to.

Married to a Girl (Dream)

2012-11-12T00:25:00.002+08:00

Most epic weird dream of all time.

Dreamed I was married to a rich Malay girl but have no idea how I did and any of our past time together were like.
However, cheated on her with someone, also no idea how that happened.
Regardless, there were divorce procedures and my questions still unanswered, mostly I didn't even get to meet her.

The procedures were smooth, as if they understood I had some kind of amnesia and wasn't my fault.

What I really wanted to know was who that girl was, maybe there was a reason why we're married then I wouldn't want to get divorced.

Stepping back a bit, the right question to ask was, why did I had such a dream? As far as I know, I do not know or am familiar with such an ethnic background. Dreams are always a random connection between memories whether old or new. It's said we dream because it is the 'by product' of our memory strengthening function in our brain. Our subconscious mind inevitably tries to make sense of this process, possibly trying not wake us up and halting it mid-way.

By that hypothesis, it makes sense why I can't see her face because maybe she's possibly just an idea or general knowledge manifested into a dream. But this gets you thinking about my subconscious mind may influence my perspective in life. Does this dream represent something more? Does it mean to say deep down, I have no concern for ethnicity or religion when it comes to love? Or that I can't love one person because in the end I found myself having an affair with someone else?

Nothing's certain about this, but once I retain some control, as in having a lucid dream, I didn't want to divorce. I wanted to be with her, know who she was, but more important, why she chose me.

It is just a dream, but dreams are where I really am and not at the same time. A place where I am myself.
I don't want to wake up looking at the ceiling, feeling so lost and lonely.

The only place left.

2012-11-11T10:55:00.003+08:00

It's funny how life always find something to freaking annoy the hell out of you.

There are people who are stressed out by common things, which are either work or study. I have neither of those for now because I've always have been an easy-going guy.

But for some reason life gives you one to stress about.

The number one stressful thing in my life is society; fitting in, considerate, commitment, politeness, honesty and that crap I try to follow as best I can. But then there's people who doesn't have such a sense of righteousness or have single care for it.

I thought life would be a bit better, moving to a new life, but for some reason the past life follows me every where. This life isn't new, I know the feel of it, only it had gotten worse.

The most frustrating part of my life now is not being able to make new friends. Is it because I don't have a camera in hand or is it because this is who I really am?

I've always been quiet, not to point of being mute but still alright. Paranoia sets in here; do people think I'm unsocial because of it? Do they think I'm intimidating? Do they find me revolting in some way?

Let me start as to who lives in my flat, there's a total of 8 people in one section, 4 rooms divided by the kitchen in the middle. On my side, there's a chinese girl from China, a couple from M'sia, a guy from Poland. They are all quite ok people, the chinese girl mostly stays in her room or is somewhere else other than in the flat. The couple is likely rich, almost always travels during the weekends. The polish guy is pretty much like the chinese girl.

The freaking problem people are on the other side of the flat, this may or may not include all of them but I can guarantee you it's always from there. One main thing I can say is, they are all Malaysians, who doesn't sleep late at night, first problem because they invite people (who are also Malaysians). I don't know whether or not they have been drinking or they are sober but they freaking noisy out in the kitchen, just to mention the rooms aren't sound proof. Noises include, singing terribly, doing terrible accents, laughing loudly, playing music and more recently, watching movie and playing the guitar (one of them bought it).

THESE ARE MALAYSIANS. One look at the opposite block from ours, you see NO ONE in the kitchen and are generally Caucasians. What does that indicate? In my opinion, this is just setting a bad example to our people. I'm definitely certain the polish guy who lives next to me suffers the problem too, albeit less annoying since I'm the one living next to the kitchen.

This is not their home, it's a collection of different people with different lifestyles living in the same household. There must be a freaking limit to what you can do at a set a period of time, a compromise between each other. Do I need to spell out what is EXPECTED for people to consider in such circumstances or is it not OBVIOUS enough to notice what you are doing affects others adversely? Are people that ignorant or are they really just idiots of society?

We're in our 20s already, and this is the level of maturity and responsibility we Malaysians exhibit. Quite honestly I'm not even sure if they any real goals in their lives.

Moving on...

I've been asked or invited about this, which is about travelling to other places.
I like to remind myself and every other people who hasn't contemplated about it, is that we came here for a purpose, to study.

Easiest to counter argue this is that we have to enjoy ourselves too.

'Enjoyment' is a subjective matter, ladies and gentlemen. Because it is different for everyone.
Although travelling is generally what most people want to do, I'm not in the general category.

My enjoyment does not require me to travel in cars, trains or planes.

The internet is the simplest gateway to my enjoyment, Most of my entertainment derives from it, movies, cartoons, shows, animes, games, books, socialising etc. the list goes on.

More common activities I like doing is, writing/reading/singing/dancing/painting/gaming.

If I have to travel, I would only enjoy it if I had good company or somewhere I really wanted to go. I don't have good company because people who invite me are couples, and I don't to be a freaking light bulb. Second reason I don't have good company is because they ignore me, simple as that. You'd think only people who don't know much about it would be such persons but no, I don't want to be naming people although I want to, but what is the point really, what happened has happened.

I have places I want to go but not now, which comes to my next point. There is a balance between studying and playing. This 'balance' is also different for each people, smarter persons require less to study and more time to have fun, vice versa. I'm the kind of guy who wants to be prepared throughout the term regardless if I'm good or not. Too much fun induces guilt inside of me and I hate that feeling.

That said, I hate people telling me I'm unsocial or 'am wasting my free time staying here'.
Why can't stay here for most of my term? I freaking like Aberystwyth, everything is within a walking distance to get and obtain, why the hell do I want to sit for hours in the train to go shopping. To be honest, I'm not a suburban kind of guy even though I live near KL. I love the the peace and quiet of my home and the simple town that is Rawang, it's only now that it's starting to expand bigger. Aberystwyth reminds me of my home because of it's simplistic lifestyle. The only difference is that I'm here all alone. Nevertheless I just want to get used to Aberystwyth, it's a place that I want to stay, ignore the annoying flatmates for just this point.

I'm 'unsocial' not because I am, it's because view me as one. As far as I know, there's not a lot of people with my interests in life, people just don't see that I like living this way. Except for my family, no one gets me, let alone people who just know me.

Leading to where I talk about this girl who totally ignores me halfway when chatting in FB, we've never talked in real life beforehand (same course, same university). This is the first time someone who just abruptly stops, talking to me. I've always been myself when I chat online because there's no pressure in time to respond. Better yet, she was the one who initiated to talk, whilst I just subsequently initiated a SINGLE chat on the following day.

What's interesting is the days afterward, for your information she often comes to our flat's kitchen to hangout with the people on the other side from mine. I'm practically a ghost to her. As I'm typing this I am reminded there is another girl in the gang who ignored me too but since she always have been and I'm not interested in a person who likes drinking, for some reason I don't like her.

Anyways, so as being a ghost which can manipulate objects, she ignores me entirely, like we don't know each other or never talked to each other. This has continued since then and we've never chatted on FB.

Moving on to people ignoring me, it's like when I'm in the kitchen, I feel like I'm not suppose to be there by these people.
Well, whenever this happens I've always wanted to scream out loud to them that I F*CKING LIVE HERE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. I mean come on people, I'm not a freeloader, I paid to stay here and I will use the kitchen room however I like. In fact this people that ignores me, DOESN'T even live in the flat, it's people who were invited by 'them'. Tell me, doesn't this make you want to scream the top of your lungs?

It just makes me want to make a seriously epic facepalm to myself.
In the end, when I look at my situation from a third person perspective, I'm the only one who's making myself suffer, it's all psychological really. What I've always been trying to do is think of these people as friends, but you know what, it's easier to just see them as strangers since they treat me like a stranger. The difference here is merely that we're strangers living together.

So for whatever they have done that has affected me, I could easily say this in return, in very simple derogatory terms, although less equal in value:

"F*ck you, too."

2012-10-23T06:59:00.001+08:00

When was the last time when I, myself successfully made friends.

I can't remember at all.

It's been countless failures when I tried again...

Inaban from Kokoro Connect

2012-10-17T10:58:00.004+08:00

I'm her, for some reason this character's personalities is almost like me, albeit simplified and a female version of me. The similarities is so, unbelievable.

Is it by chance I found this anime?

How would my story differ from her?