Finding Joy in the Journey.

I'm back!

2009-11-15T19:14:00.001-07:00

If you have never read this blog before I would ask that you go to the beginning and read a few entries before you decide whether or not it's for you. My one hope when my heart was breaking beyond what I thought I could endure was that somehow, someway, someday I could help someone else when they faced adversity so difficult they didn't know how to go on existing. I hope I have helped some. :)

Anchors

2009-10-04T19:01:00.006-06:00

Have we talked about anchors? You know, you see a picture, hear a song, smell a scent, visit a place and suddenly memories come flooding, unsummoned, into your mind and heart. Sometimes the memories are sweet and we revel in the joy. Other times they are painful and our reaction can be quite different. Sometimes those we live with and are supposed to love poke us in the anchors of our souls. Sometimes when that happens all the pain comes back and hurts all over again. Our reaction to such a nudge is sometimes to lash out at the one poking that anchor. Sometimes we don't even know why. Could it be that our spouse is there precisely to poke us in those unresolved anchors that need so badly to be healed...resolved? Just a thought.
I had an experience a couple of weeks ago when an anchor I thought was resolved stopped me up short. Yesterday I had another. Some anchors are harder to resolve than others I guess. Even those we may think we are past.
My husband and I were going to babysit our grandkids so our son and his wife could go to NJ to see U2 in concert. As a sort of reward (as if being with the grandkids isn't reward enough) they bought a 2nd set of tickets for the following night's performance for us to go. I haven't listened to U2 for years though during the midst of our ordeal I listened to Achtung Baby alot. The songs then seemed to speak to all I was experiencing. Words like
"I disappeared in you
You disappeared from me.
I gave you everything you ever wanted
It wasn't what you wanted.'

My heart ached to words like
"In my dream, I was drowning my sorrows
But my sorrows they'd learned to swim
Surrounding me, going down on me
Spilling over the brim"
Waves of regret and waves of joy.
I reached out for the one I tried to destroy.
You, you said you'd wait till the end of the world."

And though these words from Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses I related to"
"You're dangerous, 'cos you're honest.
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want.
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt."

He related to these as he contemplated leaving her:
"Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna taste your saltwater kisses?
Who's gonna take the place of me?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna tame the heart of thee? "

So a lot of anchors there...but pretty much resolved.....I thought.
He burned the playlist for the U2 concert to CD and put it in my car so I could hear it a few times before we went to the event. I was driving along when "One" came on. Of all those U2 songs this one seemed to have been written for our heartache:

"Is it getting better, or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you, now you got someone to blame?
You say one love, one life, when it's one need in the night.
One love, we get to share it
Leaves you baby if you don't care for it.

Did I disappoint you or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love and you want me to go without.
Well, it's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light.
We're one, but we're not the same.
We get to carry each other, carry each other... one

...Did I ask too much, more than a lot
You gave me nothing, now it's all I got.
We're one, but we're not the same.
Well, we hurt each other, then we do it again.

You say love is a temple, love a higher law
Love is a temple, love the higher law.
You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on to what you got, when all you got is hurt."

I was completely unprepared for the tears that not only welled up in my eyes but were spilling down my face. I was sobbing there at the stop light so surprised that this anchor still could hurt.

But at this point I had a choice. I could punish him for the pain or I could resolve it...not bury it for another painful day, resolve it. I told him of my reaction but I didn't say why or put any shame or blame on him. After all, this is my anchor. It is simply not fair for me to continue to punish him for something that is over for him. How can he let it go and let our Savior take that burden if I keep it alive? It's not my place.

At the concert I wondered how I would react when they sang One. It was fine. I enjoyed the song, sang along and had just a small tear in my eye, but it wasn't painful. It was actually kind of sweet!

Anchor #2.
Did I mention he is a flight attendant? Flies with LOTS of women. He also loves to take pictures. A while ago he was on a layover in Phoenix. They stay at a very nice resort nestled in some hills. He loves to walk or run those hills. On one layover he went with one of the other attendants to show her where he runs. He took pictures. He told me all about it when he came home. I didn't think much about it until yesterday. I was looking through his picture on the computer trying to find one of him. I clicked on the "Katie in Phoenix" folder and put it on slide show. There were several of her...no big deal and then one came up of the two of them. They were sitting close to take a picture of themselves. An electric shock flowed from my head to my toes and a feeling of panic hit me. I was stunned. "it couldn't be" I thought. But still there was a fear that maybe, just maybe it could be happening again. I felt sick. When he called me later I told him what happened. As I was talking I started to cry. I couldn't believe how much this scared me. In gentle tones he apologized saying that it had been insensitive and unfair to me. This is a woman he has known since high school. They were trying to figure out his new camera. It was nothing. And I knew that in my heart.

Anchors...ahhhhhgggg! they can be difficult but they can be resolved. They, like all our burdens, can be dropped at the feet of our loving, knowing, understanding Savior. He can heal all things.

Jeremiah 17:14 Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved: for thou art my praise.

Some thoughts...

2009-08-28T00:23:00.005-06:00

(if you are new to this blog I implore you to follow from the very first post.)

There is a quote I love by George Q. Cannon. “We may be insignificant and contemptible in our own eyes and in the eyes of others, but the truth remains that we are children of God and that he has actually given His angels....charge concerning us, and they watch over us and have us in their keeping.”

We are everything to Him!

Recently when our ward had our Primary Sacrament meeting I wrote down some of the statements made by the children. One said “I know Jesus loves me because He makes me feel good.” Another stated “ I am grateful fro Jesus because He is nice to me and Helps me.”
All of this made me reflect on an experience I had with my grandson a few years ago. He was probably about 3 years old at the time. I was visiting their family in Austin and he was having a difficult day. His mother had repeatedly asked him to get his shoes on and he was struggling to get motivated. Finally, I pick up him and his shoes and gently set him on my lap. As I began to put on his shoes I started singing “Heavenly Father, are you really there and do you hear and answer every child’s prayer? Some say that Heaven is far away, but I feel it close around me as I pray.”

I got to that point when he turned his face toward mine and kissed me on the cheek. An incredible spirit filled the room. It was as if the walls closed in around us and that little boy and I were the center of the universe wrapped in the arms of our Heavenly Father. It was as if my grandson was bearing testimony to me that he knew Heavenly Father and he knew that He loved him.

It is a difficult task as parents to help our little ones remember what they already know. It is difficult for us as adults to remember what we once knew.

We can’t speak of service and love without referring to our savior whose sacrifice for us was personal and intimate.

C. S. Lewis said: “[God] has infinite attention to spare for each one of us. He does not have to deal with us in the mass. You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created. When Christ died, He died for you individually just as much as if you had been the only man [or woman] in the world” (Mere Christianity [1943], 131).

When empowered by the love of our Savior we can do and overcome anything, for with god nothing shall be impossible.

He has said “I have loved thee with an everlasting love, therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.” Jeremiah 31:3

Elder John Groberg has said:
"When filled with God’s love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us.

Jesus Christ was filled with unfathomable love as He endured incomprehensible pain, cruelty, and injustice for us. Through His love for us, He rose above otherwise insurmountable barriers. His love knows no barriers. He invites us to follow Him and partake of His unlimited love so we too may rise above the pain and cruelty and injustice of this world and help and forgive and bless.”

To really believe and feel, to trust and rely on his love for us and then to be able to extend that love to his children especially those we don’t feel deserve it-- those who have hurt, abused, betrayed, misjudged and mistreated us or those we love-- we will have to know him. It is not enough to know of him, we will need to become intimately acquainted with him. We are here precisely to do just that so that we will learn his divine qualities and plant them deep within our souls that we may become like him.
In the words of Michael Wilcox: “God desires children who are like him, reflecting all his perfections. What is God like? He is full of mercy, compassion, empathy, and charity. He works for his children’s happiness. He serves and forgives. To become like him, we, too, must acquire these traits. What experiences of life are most conducive in developing these qualities? When others suffer, we feel mercy and compassion. When others sin against us, we learn to forgive. Through others’ needs, we learn service, empathy, and charity. The most trying times of our own lives often are the best producers in us of godlike qualities.
We are given choices in mortality. We can choose to let the pain of life develop cruelty, indifference, and doubt within us. Or we can let it build compassion, wisdom, and faith.”

The only way that we will be able to believe we are worth loving the only way we can learn to forgive and to bless, the only way we can help a wandering child or heal a troubled marriage, the only way we can walk his path consistently and find answers to all our yearnings is with our hand in His. His arms are extended to us all the day long. He waits and longs for us to fall into them so he can heal and bless our lives. He is not sidetracked. We are all he does!

We talk of time restraints and other diversions of the world that keep us from developing that kind of deep personal relationship with our Savior, but really it is a matter of the heart. We must first determine that we truly want to be healed and whole. And then we must give our heart to him. That doesn’t mean there is no time for anything else, but when we spend some time each day drawing near to him, we will then think of him more, we will teach others of him more, we endure the crosses of our lives with new eyes.

Sister Chieko Okazaki taught:
"The Savior does not call us to abandon the world; he calls us to come unto him so that he can heal us and make us whole. But to do that, we have to bring him our hearts--all of the pieces we have given elsewhere. He asks us to take care of our daily activities with a heart centered on him.
Our spiritual lives should be our lives, not just a separate part of our lives.”

Only when we know him can we view ourselves and others through the lens of his love and oh, what healing that brings.

As we were going through the experience detailed in this blog I was often frustrated and hurt and angry because of the pain that the actions of my husband and his girlfriend were causing in my life and the lives of my children. But heavenly father gave me a great gift. For a brief time He allowed me to see my husband through the eyes of our savior’s love for him. It was amazing and powerful. I was able to see past the humanness into my husband's spirit. A spirit searching for love and answers and I determined that if the lord loved him regardless of his actions, I would too and perhaps I could be an instrument in father’s hands to help him home.

To understand that our savior loves all of father’s children reminds us that he loves us too. I believe the only real influence we can have on His children is to love them. He will teach us how but first we must come to him and let his love heal us.
Mormon in a letter to his son Moroni tells us how we can start: “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure.” Moro. 7: 48

I know that I am heavenly Father’s daughter. He is my Abba, my papa, my daddy! And he is yours. I know he loves me though I seldom feel worthy of His patient, forgiving, gentle love. I know my savior loves me. And I know they love you. His sacrifice for you and for me began before the foundation of this world. I have seen in my minds eye that council in heaven as he listened to the plan of our Father presented to us and wept tears over the possibility that any one of us might not return home. I know that his declaration “Here am I send me” was not only out of love and reverence for our Father, but for unfathomable love for each of us.

I know that he went forth suffering pains, afflictions and temptations of every kind that he might be filled with mercy and compassion so that he would know how and be able to strengthen and comfort us.

I know that in Gethsemane he experienced the totality of all human suffering. I know that he experienced those pains and sorrows for each of us individually—he knows your pains & my pains; he has born the burden for your sins & my sins. And having experienced our pains his love for us grew beyond our ability to comprehend.

"Surely he hath born our griefs and carried our sorrows and with his stripes we are healed". I know that it is through the power of the atonement we can be healed from all sorrows and infirmities. We can be forgiven and live with him again for he rose from the tomb.

We are on the pathway back home. If the fog could lift just slightly we would see just how close we are. We can and we must help each other home. We need not be discouraged if we appear to be at different places on that path from those we love. There are individuals further up ahead who reach back and take our hand just as we can reach out and take a hand to lift another along the way.

He wants us to come home and he knows what it will take for us to get there. All of the commandments he asks us to obey, all of the things he asks us to forsake are not to limit or punish us they are to lift us, unencumbered back to Him.
He has already prepared a place for you and for me in the mansions of our father and he fully expects us to be there.

I'm BAAA-AAACK!

2009-08-11T08:58:00.003-06:00

It is interesting that both our son and our daughter spoke in their respective wards on Father's Day. I am inclined to post a portion of what each had to say about their father. The first is from our son. You may recall that he was serving a mission at the time his father's affair began. When he found out about it many months later he stated "I've lost all respect for that man." Just as my husband and I have healed, so have our children----all made possible by the atonement of our Savior who I cannot thank enough! When we turn to Him, welcome Him into our lives and our hearts with open arms, emulate him to the extent of our mortal power to do so---even, no, especially when it's difficult and especially with difficult people---we access the power of the atonement in our lives. It empowers us and makes us more...everything.
My children amaze me.
From our Son:

"My own father is one of the most humble men I know. Of course he wasn't always so humble. He has changed dramatically since my teenage years. Back then I thought he was too quick to anger, too demanding, too distant, and too embarrassing. I have since grown to treasure him as one of the few constants in my life. My father frequently travels to Philadelphia on business and it is extremely rewarding for me to go out to lunch or dinner with him once or twice a month. He recently underwent a serious medical procedure and I had the chance to give him a blessing beforehand. This was a time of significant uncertainty for our family, and it was clarified and soothed by a relationship based on open communication and by the power of the priesthood. This was especially unique because my father, while a very spiritual man, is not a member of the church. And he asked me for the blessing.

Our relationship has improved since my teenage years because we have both learned the importance of talking to each other. Talking to each other gives us the opportunity to see the world through each other’s eyes. This is especially useful in the context of interacting with children.

Why are they frustrated? As I wrestle with them during sacrament meeting, both literally and intellectually, why is it so hard for me to seek out the root cause of their disruptive behavior?

Is it just that they lack of control? They are only children, after all. Hunger? Bordom? A desire for attention? Eagerness to go to Primary class? I need to remind myself to ask why. Why are they acting out? The response should guide my actions and attitude.

I asked my dad the other day how he was approaching his medical condition. Was he gearing up for a fight? His

reply surprised me. "It’s not a fight," he said. "It's more of a dance. My body presents a condition and I respond."

My relationship with my children is similar. It doesn't have to be a fight. It is more of a joint exercise. We are in this together. How will I respond? I’m up against myself, not against my children.

So if we're in this together, parents and children, should we not talk to each other?

Should we not be more open with our own fathers? Those of us who are fortunate enough to have them still with us.

When [our youngest] was born last September, having been through it several times before, I approached the experience not expecting to be moved. With my guard down, of course, she was born and I was blown away. How could I be trusted with this perfect creature? How can love come from nowhere so suddenly, with such force? This, I believe, is a brief sample of our Father in Heaven's love for us. It's overwhelming. It is intense. And it is immediate.

The fatherhood experience is when I have felt closest to eternity. These are the times when I have had confirmed to me that life, and the relationships we create here, is but a window of opportunity. The time we have here may be brief in the grand eternal scale, but there is significant leverage to our overall existence. It is critical that we value each moment for the joys they bring and the lessons they offer.

One day, we'll all understand.

We can expedite that understanding by taking time to be with each other - to truly talk to each other. Talking to each other also means seeking out our Father in Heaven, communicating with him through prayer and quiet meditation. That these lines of communication may be strengthened and more effectual is my prayer."

From our daughter:

"Dad loved us. There has never been a question about that. But, he didn’t know what to do with us. That’s not to say he didn’t try. He built a skateboard and would take my infant brother for rides on it, doing tricks while holding the baby. When I was 10 or 11 years old, he thought it would be great fun to stuff me into our new trash can and put it on the skateboard and take me for a ride. Not so much.
"Our spiritual development was left to Mom, which she handled beautifully. She made sure Dad was there the night before school started every year to give us Father’s blessings. The intimacy of a Father’s Blessing might have felt awkward to him, but he still did it every year.
"There was a definite tender side to Dad which he didn’t let many people see. Mom would come in the room when I was a newborn, and find him holding me and stroking my cheek. When [my 2nd child] was a baby, I overheard Dad sitting with him in his lap, telling him what a special boy he was and how much he loved him. These tender moments were not frequent, but I never doubted, or even thought to question my Dad’s love for me. Maybe that’s part of the reason why I never doubted or thought to question my Heavenly Father’s love for me. It is just part of being His kid.
"As I have grown, my understanding and knowledge have grown, right along with my finding out how much I don’t understand and don’t know. I now understand that it was a really big deal that my Dad gave us those blessings every year. I don’t remember a single thing that he said in those blessings, I just remember that he did it. It was also a really big deal that he fixed up that old rusted out 1976 Fiat for my brother and I to drive. He didn’t have to do it, but he did it to make our lives easier, and as an expression of his love.
"On the same token, but on a much greater scale, our Savior didn’t have to suffer pains unimaginable and live the life He lived, nor did our Father have to watch Him suffer, but they both did it. They did it to make our lives easier, and as the ultimate expression of their love.
"I didn’t appreciate that old rusty car: I never got the oil changed, I never washed it, I never checked the air in the tires, I never even asked if I could drive it 90 miles north to Logan, Utah to visit a boy, and, everyone knew that if you wanted to learn to drive a stick shift, mine was the car to learn it in.”

“I can’t go back and resurrect the old Fiat and treat it right, but I can express my gratitude to my earthly Father also by living a righteous life, (and maybe by taking good care of the cars we own now.) My Dad sacrificed his entire life to improve the quality of our family, there just aren’t words to show how much that means to me.”

"I love you Dad"

Insanity

2009-06-25T23:40:00.002-06:00

Can you tell my heart has not been in this lately? It has been a really difficult month with the cancer thing. Honey is still home from work and probably will be for at least 2 more weeks. Who knew a little mole could cause such havoc? They removed all the cancer and the lymph nodes they removed were clean. So big deal huh? the incision on the arm is horrid, got infected, and is healing with big holes in it. Not going to be pretty! The armpit incision is pretty nasty but healing nicely. So it's been pretty hard to concentrate and focus. One of these days I will attempt to write some more. In the meantime, if you are new to this blog please do me a huge favor and read from the beginning post!
My best to you all.

The Weight of Glory

2009-06-21T19:19:00.002-06:00

"It may be possible for each to think too much of his own potential glory hereafter; it is hardly possible for him to think too often or too

deeply about that of his neighbour. The load, or weight, or burden of my neighbour’s glory should be laid daily on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the

proud will be broken. It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest

and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted

to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the

light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all

our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics.

There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilization—these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit—immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously—no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be a

real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner—no mere tolerance or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed sacrament itself, your neighbour is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbour he is holy in almost

the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat—the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden." C. S. Lewis The Weight of Glory

He is looking at us

2009-06-16T16:06:00.002-06:00

A grieving young father and his two children sit before a television set in their home after a makeshift dinner. The children have been staying with Grandmother while their mother has slowly slipped away in a lingering illness; now they and their father are home again after her funeral. The little girl drops off to sleep and is carried to her bed. The little boy fights off sleepiness until he finally asks his father if tonight, just tonight, he can sleep with him in his bed. As the two lie silently in the dark the lad speaks: “Daddy are you looking at me?’ “Yes, son,” the father replies, “I am looking at you.”

The boy sighs and, exhausted, sleeps. The father waits a time and then, weeping, cries out in the dark, in anxious anguish: “God, are you looking at me? If you are, maybe I can make it. Without you, I know I can’t.”

Our Heavenly Father is looking at us. He loves us and he wants us to choose the path that leads us to happiness here and eternal life hereafter.

Tender Mercies

2009-06-07T13:21:00.004-06:00

So we went to visit the oncologist. The dermatologist told us it was only .35 mm deep and that that was good. We have been blissfully ignorant and not really worried even joking about him having cancer. Until Tuesday. As they began to tell us all the gory details I began to feel sick and had to fight back the tears...after all I am the support team (scary huh!). I can't believe all they will be doing. Monday he will go in and be injected with dye so they can find the Sentinel lymph nodes in his left arm. Once found they will be removed. The next day he goes in for the surgery on the melanoma which is done under general anesthesia. they make about an 8" incision in a football shape and remove all tissue within 1.5 cm of the tumor. They continue removing tissue until they have that margin covered then they close it up. On Wednesday we go back to find out the diagnosis. To top it off it turns out the biopsy did not get to the actual depth so we don't know how deep it is. Right now they are classifying it as a stage 1B. If all is well after Wednesday he will go back every 4 months for a year to have his entire body checked. Once you have one melanoma the chances of having another increases dramatically. After that year he will be rechecked every 6 months for 5 years. We won't even address what happens if the results show cancer in the lymph nodes!
It is very surreal to sit there and listen to the whole cancer thing. I have to say it was very traumatic for both of us. The poor guy had no idea any surgery would be involved let alone the extent of it. He was overwhelmed. He kept telling me how sorry he is that I have to go through this and thanking me for being there for him!

He was on a trip to Philly this week for just a few hours. He left the day after our traumatic office visit and he forgot his cell phone. It was difficult not to be able to talk. In addition I was hoping he could get with our son and get a blessing while he was there. I wasn't sure how he would feel about that. He borrowed a cell and called me. I told him my thought about him getting a blessing and he seemed open to it. He gave me his hotel phone number and I called my son and gave it to him.
He returned home the next day and I inquired as to whether or not he was able to connect with our son. He said they had connected and our son met him for dinner. When I asked if he got a blessing his demeanor and tone change ....almost reverential as he said that he had given him a very touching blessing. I was grateful to Heavenly Father not only that he would get a blessing but that it would be meaningful to him.

"Withhold not thou thy tender mercies from me, O Lord: let thy lovingkindness and thy truth continually preserve me." Psalm 40:11

Greater Love Hath No Man...

2009-05-31T19:20:00.004-06:00

I know! I have been a slacker and I apologize.
Last week I attended my brother's ward where his youngest son spoke prior to leaving for a mission. During the sacrament hymn I had a moment. We were singing Oh God the Eternal Father. In the third verse it states "When Jesus, the anointed, descended from above and gave himself a ransom to win our souls with love--..." I was touched by His incredible love not just for His father but also for us--for me. Then it occurred to me that this is what I have learned (and certainly talked about in the blog at times) in our relationships especially the difficult ones. We win them over with love. Withholding love, inflicting pain, punishing, nagging which may seem at times to be the way we need to react do not win souls. Souls are won with love. The only way we can love those who hurt us, is if we love our Father and Savior and let their love fill the void left by the hurt. We can't do this with an ulterior motive. Our only motive can be to be an instrument in our Father's hand to lift and bless another. People are drawn to those who extend our Father's love for that is what we all miss and are searching for.

Who among us has not felt the great comforting love through the holy ghost of our Father and our Savior when our hearts have been broken, our minds confused, our lives overwhelmed, and our path unclear? How grateful I am for a wise Father who knew how much we would miss him and his love and so provided the way for us to access him even in that absence.

There are many touching evidences in the scriptures of our Father’s love. None touch me more than that found in Moses 7. Enoch has seen Satan with a great chain enslaving the children of god. As they succumb to his temptations he looks up and laughs. Then Enoch testifies that the God of heaven looked upon his children, and he wept; Enoch wonders how this can be seeing that there are numberless creations of God and touchingly states “and yet thou art there.”

Imagine this God who weeps for our sorrows who is involved in the details of our lives. This is not the passionless, incomprehensible God of the Nicene Creed. This is not the all-in-one god much of the world believes in. This is our father who loves us intimately and infinitely. Who is revealed to us through the Holy Ghost. To whom we are led by our Saviors example, sacrifice, and unending love.

I love this by Elder Nelson:

"I would like to share a remarkable quotation I found in a rare book in London one day while searching through the library of the British Museum. It was published as a 20th-century English translation of an ancient Egyptian text. It was written by Timothy, Archbishop of Alexandria, who died in a.d. 385. This record refers to the creation of Adam; premortal Jesus is speaking of His Father:
“He … made Adam according to Our image and likeness, and He left him lying for forty days and forty nights without putting breath into him. And He heaved sighs over him daily, saying, ‘If I put breath into this [man], he must suffer many pains.’ And I said unto My father, ‘Put breath into him; I will be an advocate for him.’ And My Father said unto Me, ‘If I put breath into him, My beloved Son, Thou wilt be obliged to go down into the world, and to suffer many pains for him before Thou shalt have redeemed him, and made him to come back to his primal state.’ And I said unto My Father, ‘Put breath into him; I will be his advocate, and I will go down into the world, and will fulfil Thy command’ ”

Truly what greater love?

“Miracle of miracles and wonder of wonders," said President Hinckley. "They are interested in us, and we are the substance of Their great concern. They are available to each of us"

D&C 76: 22 And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives!

23 For we saw him, even on the right hand of God; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father—

24 That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God.

Message to self: Let Them fill you with Their love!

A Half of Stick of Gum

2009-05-19T15:24:00.008-06:00

He has spent so much of his life in the sun. Grew up in a beach city. He surfed and became a life guard. I remember every year he would come home sun burned after his first day of the summer. When we left the beach life he took up running, biking, swimming. Always in the sun. He has had many pre-cancerous melanoma's removed. Last January he had one burned off. He went back a couple of weeks ago to have it looked at again. The doctor took a biopsy this time. Last Friday the doctor tried to get hold of him but had to leave a message. He was on a trip so couldn't return the call. The doctor called again yesterday. "Must be pretty concerned" I thought. When he was finally able to call the doctor today the doctor told him it was melanoma and he had set up an appointment for him to see an oncologist tomorrow. He can't go as he has yet another trip. First available appointment is in two weeks. "Bring your wife with you" they told him.
I have known lots of people with melanoma. One friend had her toe removed because of one. Another had a big chunk of her leg cut out and a bunch of lymph nodes and then it wouldn't heal. I have yet to know of any who had a melanoma metastasize. But just the mere fact that it could....!

Sunday our High Councilor spoke. I had an amazing experience. It had been a really painful week. My husband had said something to me that really hurt and caused me to question what on earth to do with such information. Talking to him is of no use. He simply will not talk about feelings including mine. As usual I just had to deal with my feelings and forgive.
So at church the speaker talked about this scripture:

Alma 56:15-17 15 "And these are the cities which they possessed when I arrived at the city of Judea; and I found Antipus and his men toiling with their might to fortify the city.

16 Yea, and they were depressed in body as well as in spirit, for they had fought valiantly by day and toiled by night to maintain their cities; and thus they had suffered great afflictions of every kind.

17 And now they were determined to conquer in this place or die; therefore you may well suppose that this little force which I brought with me, yea, those sons of mine, gave them great hopes and much joy."

My immediate thought was "I need someone to fortify me...to reach out and strengthen me. I hurt." But even as I thought it another thought replaced it "you know that's not how it works. You are healed as you reach out to others." I know but sometimes you just have to imagine what it would be like.

The speaker then went on to quote from the baptismal covenant in Mosiah 18:

8 "And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life— "

Yes, I thought, that is the covenant I made and that is how I want to be. Sometimes it's just a little harder than other times.

Next he spoke of the new commandment our Savior gave to his disciples found in John. Our Savior knew that what they would miss most when He was gone was His love. That is what we all miss but rarely recognize it.

John 13:33 Little children, yet a little while I am with you. Ye shall seek me: and as I said unto the Jews, Whither I go, ye cannot come; so now I say to you.

34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

We feel His love for us as we share His love with His children.

He went on to quote from Matthew which I have quoted here before:

Matthew 11:28 “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you ^crest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Ah...there's the key. We can be comforted and find strength to be healed even in the midst of great adversity if we "come unto" Him. And as Neal Maxwell taught "Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity."

As I was contemplating all of this a little boy, about 2 years old, left his family on the other side of the chapel from where I was sitting and came over to me. He handed me a half stick of gum and walked back to his family. I sat and marveled. A minute later he walked back over and shyly stood at the end of the bench where I was sitting. I motioned to him several times to come over but he continued to stand there. Finally he walked to me and whispered "do you need more gum?" "No" I said. " I am fine. But thank you!" and he walked away.

The speaker ended his talk with a quote from Elder Holland's conference talk of October 2008. I love this:

“My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. “[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved.” On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.
“May we all believe more readily in, and have more gratitude for, the Lord’s promise as contained in one of President Monson’s favorite scriptures: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, . . . my Spirit shall be in your [heart], and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” In the process of praying for those angels to attend us, may we all try to be a little more angelic ourselves—with a kind word, a strong arm, a declaration of faith and “the covenant wherewith [we] have covenanted.” Perhaps then we can be emissaries sent from God when someone… is crying,.. .”

Now it's true that our mission is to know the Savior so well that we can reach out to His children in love and compassion like Him...for Him but He loves us and will send angels to strengthen us when we really need them. They may come in the form of a loved one calling to chat, a co-worker telling us we are doing a great job, a friend who waves as they drive by our house, a speaker in sacrament meeting who listens to the spirit and speaks to our heart. Or they may come as a little child offering a half stick of gum.

Experience the total effect.

2009-05-14T23:19:00.002-06:00

If you are new to this blog really don't start here. To understand what it is all about you must go to the beginning and read a few entries. If it's not what you are looking for then go ahead and move on. But it just might be for you! So give it a try before clicking off.
Thanks a whole bunch.

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-10T17:53:00.003-06:00

Being a mom is hard, is wonderful, is frightening, is awesome. I love my kids and miss them so much. Did I mention they live FAR away? He is out of town so I am alone today. But never really alone. He left me a nice card and called me from poolside in Phoenix. I'm OK though there are days I absolutely get so frustrated. I am frustrated that he can't see the truth--doesn't want to know the truth. I am frustrated that I am home alone most of the time when I could be enjoying my children and grandchildren. I am frustrated with my inability to function at a higher level. BUT gratefully these moments of deep discouragement are fleeting. I know I can have joy in the midst of the most difficult trial and these are not that difficult in the big scheme of things. After all, that's what this blog has been all about. Finding joy in the journey.
I felt a moment of that joy today. Actually twice...OK probably more than that as I think about it. But let me share two. At the end of our Sacrament meeting our Bishop spoke about a Primary teacher he remembered. She was definitely flawed in many ways but he remembers how much she loved him. He wasn't the best behaved boy in class (hard to imagine since he is so calm) but still she loved him. He said something at the end of relating this story that pierced my soul as if it had been said to me as a message from my Heavenly Father. He said "She loved us with all our imperfections...and we loved her with all of hers." I could hear Father saying to me "I love you! Yes, even with all your imperfections." It felt good. And it reminded me that He loves even those in my life who I allow to cause me grief. And with His help I can love them too. I know my husband drinks coffee and beer, but I like to live in denial that he does. Today he mentioned it and it was frustrating to be reminded. But I had that moment that Stephen Covey talks about between stimulus and response we have a space in which we can choose. I chose to not make it into an exchange that would end badly. He knows how I feel about it. I don't need to harp. I chose to love him.
The second experience came as I was listening to Music and the Spoken Word. The Tabernacle Choir was singing God So Loved the World. It was beautiful and as I sat alone I felt myself reaching for my Savior...almost literally but really only figuratively---and I felt (figuratively but almost felt literal) Him reaching toward me touching my arm. How grateful I was in that moment to be reminded yet again that He loves me and wants to bless me.
He loves you! And in His strength we can bless the people in our lives.

1 John 4: 9-11 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.

Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.

Eternal Marriage

2009-05-03T20:40:00.002-06:00

“In an eternal marriage, the thought of ending what began with a covenant between God and each other simply has little place. When challenges come and our individual weaknesses are revealed, the remedy is to repent, improve, and apologize, not to separate or divorce. When we make covenants with the Lord and our eternal companion, we should do everything in our power to honor the terms” (Marlin K. Jensen, Ensign, October 1994).

"My dear brothers and sisters, there will be days and nights when you feel overwhelmed, when your hearts are heavy and your heads hang down. Then, please remember, Jesus Christ, the Redeemer, is the Head of this Church. It is His gospel. He wants you to succeed. He gave His life for just this purpose. He is the Son of the living God. He has promised:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).
“For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee” (3 Nephi 22:10). Elder Uchtdorf

2009-04-26T19:39:00.004-06:00

You're probably wondering what happened last week. Nothing to report. The man is just plain happy in his current status! No divine discontent there! And I did have that moment of let down. but I am fine. Back on track and holding fast to hope. He was in town today and we did go to church together.
I have quoted from Stephen R. Covey before. His book "The Divine Center" was extremely helpful to me during those dark, difficult days and still is.
"...anytime we are too vulnerable we feel the need to protect ourselves from further wounds. Often the best defense is a good offense, and sometimes this manifests itself in cynicism, the defense of the mind, for when we expect nothing we will never be disappointed. So the attack frequently manifests itself in sarcasm, in cutting humor, in sharpness of tongue, in critcalness, and in anything that will keep from exposing the soft, vulnerable, tenderness within. Each partner then will tend to wait upon the initiative of the other for love, only again to be disappointed but also be confirmed as to the rightness of his or her own past accusations...
"I remember speaking at an Education Week in Phoenix when a lady came up to talk to me about the speech I had given the previous year at an Education Week in California on the subject of being a light and not a judge. she related to me her story of the intervening year.
She began by identifying how depressed she had been the year previous because of the lack of valiance in her husband's life-style. He had never caught fire in the gospel or the Church and was just barely getting along. She however had been illuminated with the gospel light and wanted the full blessings of the Lord on her entire family. She had tried every method she had heard of in an effort to influence her husband, all without success; and she had eventually succumbed to depression and cynicism.
"Hearing my previous presentation, she was temporarily stimulated by the idea that her calling was to be a light, not a judge---in other words, a constant producer of good attitudes and behavior. (After all, where in all the scriptures are we commanded to confess another's sins?) She decided to try it. She did so, and for several weeks she had a very difficult time in maintaining this new course.
As an example, she recounted that one time when she was preparing to go to church with the children, none of whom was very enthusiastic to go, she asked her husband in the middle of the TV program if he would join her in going to church and would help her with the children. He said he didn't want to go, that he wanted to finish watching his television program, and added, 'you should let the kids stay and watch it and not force them to go to church." She swallowed hard and remembered she was striving to be a light, not a judge; a model, not a critic. Normally she would snip at him at the end of the encounter by saying something like, 'well, if these kids don't turn out right, you know whose fault it is'---then she would immediately leave, giving him no opportunity for a rejoinder. She always tried to get in the last word and couch it in the language of the scriptures. It was her way of getting some kind of justice.
This time, however, she said nothing as she left, but merely took the children along with her and drove to church. While driving, she condemned herself for not performing her traditional judgment act on her husband for his lack of valiance, and the withdrawal pains she experienced were severe. She was breaking a deeply impacted habit that was addicting to her---the habit of getting back, of justifying, of having the last word, of putting down. She persisted with this changed behavior, even though she experienced great internal emotional turmoil for several weeks. At one point she was about to abandon the entire project, but fortunately she counseled with her bishop. He encouraged her to keep it up, and she did.
"At the Arizona Education Week she now pointed out her husband, who was across the hall, and said, 'There's my husband. he is not a member of the bishopric.' I asked her if she would mind if I talked with her husband regarding what had happened. She felt good about it and so did he, and he described the process.
"He said he had felt completely justified in his relative lack of commitment to the gospel, because apparently there were no real, powerful fruits of it in her life. She wasn't really changed because of the gospel and the Church. Further, she would punish him from time to time in various ways, and that made him feel justified in his minor rebellions. She paid him off, and this gave him the 'right' to do it some more. He even sensed her new method---be a light, not a judge--- and her striving not to answer back or fight or yell or criticize. But he knew what she was really thinking and feeling inside, and to some degree he enjoyed her being punished, as she had been punishing him for such a long time.
"At this point in his account he said something that struck me forcibly. 'But she persisted until this new behavior became a habit to her, and I began to sense that she was changing inside also; she wasn't punishing me or manipulating me any longer, and she derived no more satisfaction from the encounters.' He added, 'She became an angel, Brother Covey, and how do you live with an angel?'
"Well, eventually you can't live with an angel unless you change to a like condition. You eventually shape up or ship out. Whatever good there is in one person is appealed to by the angelic nature of the other. Most people have a great deal of good within them, and if only others would perceive it and treat them accordingly, this would tend to bring it out. There is no guarantee of this, however, for it will take great time and patience, ...
"It takes two to fight, and if one partner does not fight back, soon the other's angry surliness spends itself.
"The Lord is not only our advocate with the Father; He is our advocate with all of our Father's other children..." (The Divine Center pg. 24-28)

The scriptures bear this out (note--this is in no way meant to imply that anyone should allow themselves to be abused!):

Alma 24:20 And it came to pass that their brethren, the Lamanites, made preparations for war, and came up to the land of Nephi for the purpose of destroying the king, and to place another in his stead, and also of destroying the people of Anti-Nephi-Lehi out of the land.

21 Now when the people saw that they were coming against them they went out to meet them, and prostrated themselves before them to the earth, and began to call on the name of the Lord; and thus they were in this attitude when the Lamanites began to fall upon them, and began to slay them with the sword.

22 And thus without meeting any resistance, they did slay a thousand and five of them; and we know that they are blessed, for they have gone to dwell with their God.

23 Now when the Lamanites saw that their brethren would not flee from the sword, neither would they turn aside to the right hand or to the left, but that they would lie down and perish, and praised God even in the very act of perishing under the sword—

24 Now when the Lamanites saw this they did forbear from slaying them; and there were many whose hearts had swollen in them for those of their brethren who had fallen under the sword, for they repented of the things which they had done.

25 And it came to pass that they threw down their weapons of war, and they would not take them again, for they were stung for the murders which they had committed; and they came down even as their brethren, relying upon the mercies of those whose arms were lifted to slay them.

26 And it came to pass that the people of God were joined that day by more than the number who had been slain; and those who had been slain were righteous people, therefore we have no reason to doubt but what they were saved.

27 And there was not a wicked man slain among them; but there were more than a thousand brought to the knowledge of the truth; thus we see that the Lord worketh in many ways to the salvation of his people.

How grateful I am for hope. So grateful for my Savior's incredible love and strength. This is a long, arduous road but He makes it light and worthwhile. I love Him. And I love that He wants me to love my husband and helps me when it's hard. After all, that poor man loves me too! Bless his heart :)

Faith, Hope???

2009-04-19T09:53:00.006-06:00

He is meeting with the Stake President today at the request of the Stake President. I struggle to know how to feel about these meetings. I wonder about faith and hope in these situations. I mean to have had hope so many times dashed is it foolish to think this will be any different or is that merely a lack of faith.
Our stake president wants desperately to help him. When I served those 8 years as stake RS president there were two stake presidents. The current president came aboard when I had been serving 4 1/2 years so I figured I would soon be released. I didn't really know the man other than he was a bishop in one of the wards in our stake but we hadn't really had much contact. Soon after he was called I had a meeting with him. He told me my days were numbered so I had better "sprint". But he also told me something interesting. He said from the first day he was set apart he became focused on my husband...a man he did not know at all. As he told me a little about his background I got excited realizing that this man just might be able to relate to my husband. They had very similar stories. Raised in homes where alcohol was abused, surfers, beach life guards...the first priesthood leader we had ever had that had such a similar childhood. But the post adolescent life experiences were vastly different as our stake president became truly converted to the gospel and served a mission, married a general authority's daughter (his mission president as well) became a very, very, very successful businessman, had 8 children, served faithfully in church leadership positions. A warm-hearted, caring man who my husband actually likes. When he and our Bishop came over recently (as I have previously mentioned) my husband enjoyed talking surfing and waves and such.
So today....what to think. I don't know what to pray for anymore. I have prayed for him to have a desire to study and learn. I have prayed for him to feel safe to allow himself to feel. I have prayed for a mighty change of heart for him. And I have prayed that Heavenly Father will lead those of us who love my husband to know what we can do.
Today I struggle with whether or not to hope because it is so painful when the hope leads to nothing. But then I realize that faith and hope can't be based on my prayers being answered the way I want when I want. Faith and Hope have to endure especially when it seems futile in my finite vision.
I was reading about the brother of Jared when the thought came to me: how loving of our Savior to provide an opportunity for the brother of Jared to exercise his faith to a degree that actually enabled him to see the Savior. I mean the Savior could have said "go over there and get some really smooth rocks that are kind of clear and bring them to me and I will light them for you." That would have been really great so that the brother of Jared would know just what to do and it would be done. It would still take some amount of faith, would it not, to believe the Savior could actually do that? So wouldn't that be enough faith for the brother of Jared to exhibit? On the other hand how much growth would there have been? How much experience would have been gained? Instead the Savior asked the brother of Jared what he would have the Savior do? This gave the brother of Jared the opportunity to exercise faith and works and to come to know the process of coming unto Him all the while having no doubt that the Savior could and WOULD touch those stones and give them light.
Today as I pray, I decided to have that kind of faith. I know the Savior can literally touch my husband's heart and mind with his finger. I know He can touch our stake president's heart and mind as well. But I recognize one difference here from those stones. Yes, even the stones had agency but He will not override my husband's agency. There's the concern.
Still I am going to choose to have faith and I am going to hope and if nothing seems to come of this as obvious as the lighted stones I am not going to lose that faith or hope. As I learned all those years ago on my knees in my room when the comforter spoke peace to my soul, Heavenly Father is involved and I can trust Him and His timing. There may be changes today that I cannot see just yet but will one day. To lose hope of that is despair and I will not do that. I have come too far to lose hope in my Savior and in my Father's plan for me and my family. The day it all comes together, Father's will and my husband's desire, will be a glorious one.

Psalm 119: 114 Thou art my hiding place and my shield: I hope in thy word.

Romans 8: 24-25 For we are saved by hope but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.

And...as always..."With God Nothing Shall Be Impossible"!

The Rest of the Story

2009-04-04T13:42:00.002-06:00

So....He called last night from Philly.
"Happy anniversary" he said.
"And to you" I replied
We both laughed.
"It's a good think I called to remind you" he said.
Again we laughed. "You found the card" I stated.
He felt dumb and told me what a beautiful sentiment the card had.
This morning he called and asked if he has a home to come home to. "Of course" I told him.
You know, it really does feel better to just laugh about it than to feel hurt. I am at peace. Thank you Heavenly Father for your strength and healing.
Happy conference! It has been fabulous so far!
This bears repeating:

“And it came to pass that so great were their afflictions that they began to cry mightily to God.

“And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

“And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

“And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.” Mosiah 24: 10, 13-15

The Power of His Love

2009-04-03T13:09:00.004-06:00

Lest you should think any of this is possible of myself or that I think I did this there is NO way. To feel compassion for a person who caused so much pain in my life is only possible through the Atonement. He makes it possible. I am a weak person. ANYTHING good I feel or do comes from His grace...His enabling power and is motivated by the incredible love I know He has not only for me but for ALL of His children. Having tasted just a smidge of His love has brought healing to my heart and helped me love others. It's not me.

Today is our wedding anniversary. He forgot. I realized a couple of weeks ago that he forgot when I saw his schedule for the month and he hadn't requested today off. He usually does. I didn't want to remind him then because I didn't want him to feel bad about it since there was nothing he could do at that point. But it's just silly because now when he does remember (when he gets the card I tucked in his bag) he will feel even worse. Do I secretly want him to feel bad? Or do I just not really care? Or have I decided that it's not really that important? Or do I really want to protect him? Hmmmm. I need to ponder. I'll get back to you :)

1 nephi 17:3 And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them;

Where is she now....

2009-03-27T10:03:00.004-06:00

She came up in our conversation the other day. One of the hardest things for me to learn was to not bring her up or their experience. I wanted to talk about it all the time. I finally learned to let it go. Especially after all these years why should I bring up his sins? I wouldn't want him to keep talking about mine.
A few years ago he told me that he had run in to her at an airport where she was now working. He said she is a shell of a person. He watched others interact around her like she wasn't there...like a cipher. She had once been very fit (recall part of what he enjoyed about her was her fitness...and the activities they both enjoyed like cross country skiing and cycling) but now was "soft" and a bit pudgy. She had a hollow, vacant look in her eyes and they didn't have much to say to each other.
You would think, perhaps, that I would feel vindicated by that news. That I would feel she got what she deserved. Even I was surprised at my reaction. I felt nothing but compassion. This daughter of God had no idea of her eternal value. She never did. I thought of all we had learned through our pain. What had she learned? She asked me once if I really wanted him back even though he had no desire to have The Church in his life. I told her I loved him no matter what and always would. As painful as it is that he will not be baptized, we are still so much happier than she is. We have hope. I truly hurt for her.
The other day when he brought up her name he told me that he had flown with a friend of hers who told him that she left employment with the airlines and worked for a time for TSA and now works for the DMV. She is alone and lonely. It is sad.
Again I recall the day he told me he would never stop loving her. He truly believed he needed her and could not exist without her. Any love he feels for her now has nothing to do with romantic love. That makes him shutter. Any love he feels for her is the love one caring human being feels for another when they themselves are filled with the love of our Father.
"Is there someone in your life who perhaps needs forgiveness? Is there someone in your family, someone in your neighborhood who has done an unjust or an unkind or an unchristian thing? All of us are guilty of such transgressions, so there surely must be someone who yet needs your forgiveness.

"And please don't ask if that's fair --- that the injured should have to bear the burden of forgiveness for the offender. Don't ask if 'justice' doesn't demand that it be the other way around. No, whatever you do don't ask for justice. You and I know that what we plead for is mercy --- and that is what we must be willing to give." Jeffrey Holland

The pathway of discipleship is not an easy one. But with our hand in His it becomes easier and it is always worth it.

The Card

2009-03-16T19:47:00.005-06:00

I know it's a bit unexpected that I should write so soon but today I received a card in the mail from my husband. He sent it while he was in Philly.
Inside he wrote:
" I know I haven't learned much, but I have learned that your love is the breath of my life. I'm just waiting for the time when I see you again, so I can inhale."
As I have said some miracles take time. But they do come!

Happy Birthday

2009-03-15T21:02:00.004-06:00

So it's my birthday today. I couldn't help but ponder on the many, many birthdays that I hoped, even when there was no past experience to offer such hope, that he would actually care. When we were young married's and he would work on my birthday (he worked swing shift) and not buy me a gift because pay day was tomorrow (how about thinking ahead and buying something BEFORE my birthday?) and then tomorrow would come and since my birthday was past what was the point, it really messed with me. Every year I would think "this is the year he will surprise me" but I knew deep down that that was not going to happen. Still I would hope only to be hurt again. Eventually I realized it would be less painful to just not expect anything. As our kids grew older they did their best to do something for me. I always remember the year my husband was on a day shift on my birthday. When he came home I was cooking dinner. He was sitting at the counter and my back was to him. after a time I heard our son say "Dad, what did you get mom for her birthday?" My back was still to him and I didn't turn around...it was silent. I knew he had not remembered. Finally I turned around to see the look of complete bewilderment on his face.

During the years that he had "checked out" of our marriage I didn't know what to expect. I think I mentioned that one year he actually went shopping for a gift for me with her. I think she was ok with that since they had already made plans to be together the day after my birthday. He bought me something I would have normally quite liked but I knew he hadn't been alone so it just hurt.

In subsequent years he was seldom home on my birthday and by now I had come to the realization that happiness has to come from within so I started planning things on my birthday that I would enjoy...a pedicure, shopping, and a birthday cake from my favorite bakery. But that was then.

A few years ago he really blew my mind when he bought me flowers, a video and an ipod! That was a first and this time they were from the heart. The past few years he has made a point of making sure he has my birthday off. At first I wasn't sure I really liked that. I had gotten used to celebrating my own way!

Today he is home. But he has been gone for 3 days and will leave again tomorrow for 3 more. Since it's Sunday we really can't go anywhere. So Friday I ordered myself a cake. It was really quite humorous since they asked me what I wanted it to say on it. I told them "Happy Birthday ___________" (my name). All was fine until they asked me who was ordering it. I paused and tried to think of another name to give them so they wouldn't know I was buying my own birthday cake but in the end I just told them the same name.

He got home at about 9 pm and saw the cake box on the counter. "You bought yourself a cake?" he asked. I told him I was doing him a favor since he had been gone so couldn't have purchased a cake. Then he revealed a small box from a very quaint bakery in Philly where he had been. He bought me a cake! So this is where we are. Right where I wanted to be 38 years ago. We finally got there but only by a journey of a lifetime. The interesting thing is now I don' t expect anything and if something great happens it's a bonus. But if nothing happens it doesn't' ruin my day. There is so much peace in letting go of "real or imagined grievances against [our spouse] and setting our heart to love and bless.... We stand in a sacred relationship to the people in our lives, especially family, because they are not there by chance. The people in our lives were placed there not only for us to enjoy but also to cross us and to dissatisfy us from time to time so that we can learn that love is not a matter of personal satisfaction but a going out of our hearts to empathize with , to understand, and to try to bless the other, giving up the demand of the natural man for satisfaction---to love the other, to forgive the other, to cease to demand that the other satisfy us, and to seek to be able to bless that person. Relationships were given to us to develop us in love." M. Catherine Thomas

Remember: “Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear withpatience thine afflictions and I will give unto you success.

And now behold, we have come, and been forth amongst them; and we have been patient in our sufferings, and we have suffered every privation; yea, we have traveled from house to house, relying upon the mercies of the world—not upon the mercies of the world alone but upon the mercies of God.

And we have entered into their houses and taught them, and we have taught them in their streets; yea, and we have taught them upon their hills; and we have also entered into their temples and their synagogues and taught them; and we have been cast out, and mocked, and spit upon, and smote upon our cheeks; and we have been stoned, and taken and bound with strong cords, and cast into prison; and through the power and wisdom of God we have been delivered again.

And we have suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul...” Alma 26: 27-30

He is always there to sustain, love, lift, encourage, strengthen, teach and bless us on our journey. The journey is much lighter when we love and trust Him and the love His children for Him.

Endure on your journey....you WILL be blessed.

Hugs!

The "fine line"

2009-03-08T19:47:00.004-06:00

Obviously when someone does somthing that hurts we feel pain. Sometimes we feel anger, frustration, fear, and a myriad of other possible emotions. We wouldn't be human if we didn't. We wouldn't learn if we didn't. But it's what we do with those emotions that determines the quality of our lives and the lives of those around us.

You know the slogan "Trials, tribulations and afflictions are mandatory; misery is optional."

Often misery doesn't feel optional. We feel powerless to overcome the hurt. Really we are. On our own that is. But as I love to say "With God all things are possible."

The important thing is to not let the pain mess with us past the fine line. The fine line is where the pain begins to take us off our course. Our course is to stay on the path back to Father and to help others on our way. The course is to learn divine qualities that really are mostly learned in the furnace of alliction. We will have adversity and, as I listed as the number 1 lesson my pain taught me, it is not a punishment but an opportunity for growth. You remove the pain you remove the lessons. You have to stay in the ordeal to learn the lessons that experience will teach you. I am not talking about staying in the sense that one should never leave an abusive relation. If one's life is indangered one must run to safety. But to stay in the ordeal means to resolve it rather that to wall it up.

Back to the fine line. Think of our Heavenly Father. What if all the things we do that are not His will were to make Him crazy and take Him off His course which is to love us. What if He threw up His hands and said "That's it. You have hurt me too much. I am done with you". If He were to do that the whole plan would be frustrated. Of course He is God after all and has more power to overcome than we do. But with His love and help we can learn the lessons well.

Our Savior did not let His pain take Him off His course to love and rescue us.

"And he was withdrawn from them about a stone’s cast, and kneeled down, and prayed, Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground". Luke 22:41-44

He asked the Father to remove His cup but that request was denied. Even His prayers weren't always answered the way He hoped. But He continued His course and because of that we are all able to return home. And in the process He learned. He who was sinless learned what it felt like to be abused. He learned what it felt like to have cancer. He learned what it felt like to have a spouse say "I don't love you anymore." He learned all these things and more by feeling our actual experiences. Each of ours...personally. And He saw our faces and knew us and His love for each of us individually grew beyond comprehension. Imagine how your love grows for someone when you see their pain. Think of how it pains you when your children hurt, when a friend loses a child, when a father becomes the sole parent after the death of the love of his life, when your mother suffers through the horrific pains of cancer. Even when you see these scenes played out on TV of people you don't know your heart swells. Think of 9-11 when we were all glued to our TV sobbing over the pain of so many lost lives. Then imagine the One who loves you most and has known you for eons seeing your sufferings. He knows and loves you...intimately.

If we can learn to love when it hurts to do so we begin to become like Him and our burden is lifted. If in our suffering we can reach out to others our burden becomes lighter (empathy during agony is a portion of divinity! Maxwell). If in our suffering we can learn patience, truly unconditionaly love, how to access His strength and walk with Him, to trust Him and His plan for us, forgiveness, empathy, kindness, and other divine qualities we will be able to feel and say as Lehi “But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory, and I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love.” 1Nephi 1:15

We won't be perfect in this life. There will be many traits we struggle to learn and obstacles to overcome but if we let pain overcome us to the point we are not able to learn but instead become inconsolable, unkind, miserable and bitter we will have let it take us past the fine line and off our course which would utimately lead us home. Gratefully we can always start again. Learning never ends.

"…know thou, my [child], that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? Therefore, hold on thy way…” D&C 121:7-9

The key is found in last week's blog. Come unto Him. Take His yoke upon you. Come out of the world so you can feel his love for you. Love His children. "If with all your hearts you try to take His children home, you will be there too." President Eyring.

I love you. He loves you. Let Him carry you.

His love

2009-03-01T18:07:00.007-07:00

Okay~ so I have pondered this a bit more this week. Why do some of us really know Him and some of us merely know of Him? They are not the same thing. All my life I have known of Him, loved Him, followed him but as I came to find out it is NOT the same as knowing Him. And why did I come to know Him in my grief? How does that all work? I am no one special. What He has done for me He will do for all His children.And I am certain there are many, many people who have an even deeper personal relationship to Him than I.

Maybe we really don't understand that we can actually have a personal relationship with Him. I remember feeling Him near in my teenage years. But did I really get the kind of relationship that was possible? I mean you have to admit it seems impossible that He could know us all. Yet He can and does.

At the time I was coming to know Him I devoted a great deal of time to the effort. As I have mentioned I did not want to continue to live in such horrific pain. I also realized that life is a series of "tutorials" as Neal Maxwell calls them and I really wanted to learn this lesson now and only once. I did not ever want to feel this kind of pain again!!!!! I was determined to learn the lesson this adversity was to teach me and then get on with my life. I did not want to ever have to repeat such a painful learning experience. I think that if we don't learn the lesson we will (eeekkk) continue to suffer or have other adversities that will teach us. We are here to learn through our experiences.

I know the saying is trite but truly we are not human beings here to have a spiritual experience! We are His beloved sons and daughters, divine, loved, nobel. We are spiritual beings here to have human experiences. Yet so often we live in the humaness rather than the spirit. It's so easy to be distracted from our purpose! Especially when we hurt.

It's not that I haven't have severe trials since this huge one....I have. I have cried myself to sleep many a night over other challenges but through it all I have clung to the one major lesson I learned...that I can ALWAYS trust in my Father in Heaven and His plan for me. He is there... I do not walk alone. I have learned that I will not always understand the whys but I can trust that He is there and loves me and will teach me the hows. He is not as harsh and demanding that we sometimes think He is.

So in reflecting on what was different about my relationship with Him pre this "tutorial" and then during and post here's what I have come to understand.

You really have to focus on Him. You have to believe that you can literally, I mean literally feel His arms around you. You have to trust that He would really, really do that for you and then allow Him to. I would actually take time each day to imagine He could really love me. ME. Not us, as in all of us, His children, jointly but ME. All by myself. Did I explain the scriptural validation I found to support that this is possible? I will have to go back and see. Anyway, when the scriptures say to "ask, seek and knock" it is not a casual, superficial thing. It is real effort with real longing over time.

It doesn't require huge amounts of time, but I have to admit at the time I was really devoting a lot of time to this effort. I didn't have a calling and I was teaching school part-time. I couldn't really function in life so I did have the time to devote to this effort. And i found that when I was immersed in trying to understand and feel His love I actually felt better...for a moment at first and then for longer and longer periods of time.

Imagine that every day you spent 5 minutes telling yourself all of the reasons you are not worthy or loveable. Would that have an impact after a year? Pretty sure you would feel unloveable!

Suppose each day you spent 5 minutes imagining the Savior's arms around you. What kind of impact might that have on your life? I had spent time on this exercise. I had spent time practicing feeling happy. Sometimes I could only pull it off for only a few seconds but I kept at it.

Every time I had an impression that I thought might have come from Heavenly Father I chose to believe it did. I did not dismiss the feelings of love He sent me. I prayed as though He was in the room. I imagined He was with me everywhere I went. I looked at His children through the lens of His love. I came to know He was there...right by me. It makes all the difference to allow Him to love you. It makes all the difference to allow him to fill you with the love He feels for your spouse and others. It made all the difference in my life...and in my husband's life. He actually has a relationship with the Savior, but he doesn't always listen. He doesn't want to hear what he doesn't want to hear. Still, it's a start.

Service. When we serve and bless others we feel our Savior's love for us and for them because we are emulating Him.

Catherine Thomas said " It's a powerful act of faith to give something to someone else when we feel empty. Truly, giving when we are longing to have someone give to us seems to defy reason. But in spiritual terms it makes perfect sense. Giving out of what one feels are meager resources is like reaching into Elijah's nearly empty cornmeal barrel during a famine and coming up with a full cup every time. Giving to others the things we are most longing for ourselves follows the principles of godliness and results in an unexpected sense of fulness."

Why are we reluctant to give and bless those who hurt us? Are we afraid of what that would say about us? Are we afraid of what they might think we are saying about them? Perhaps if someone is choosing unrighteousness we fear that if we love them we are condoning their unrighteous behavior. Or at least they will take it as such. But we can give and serve and bless without condoning the unrighteous acts. Everyday I would tell my husband something good about himself. He had a hard time believing I was sincere since he knew what he was doing and I certainly had to look deep but I did look past the humaness into his soul. I told Him what I felt that Father saw there and what I hoped he might believe of himself someday so that he might be healed. I figured if he felt so bad about himself that he would do something so distructive to his life someone had to help him see in himself what he could not. But I never condoned his behavior.

None of this was possible without His love.

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:35-39

Valentines day

2009-02-22T21:29:00.005-07:00

I got a card from him for Valentines Day.
"to the sweetest heart...from the one who holds it close."
:)
Our son was in town this week. We all went to dinner and it was wonderful. I worry about our boy. I know he understands the pain of all we went through, but I worry that he doesn't understand how Satan can get a foothold if we are not vigilant. He and his wife have both voiced the question "How do two people who loved each other once end up in divorce." There are so many reasons. We can simplify it to selfishness but still there is so much more. I told my son that the number one thing he can do to make sure his marriage survives is to "come unto Him" every single day. And not just (as Jeffrey Holland says) "obliquely" but with a true desire to know Him and know his will. As I wrote in a recent post He knows EVERYTHING. He will guide you. protect you, warn you, strengthen you and even help you trust and forget.
I am preparing to teach an institute lesson on true love. I came across this:
"If a person's attitudes and feelings have grown out of a commitment to Christ and faith in his teachings, then the influence those attitudes and feelings will have on marital adjustment are profound. If the power of the gospel motivates a person, he will approach the adjustments of marriage with inner strength that will help to smooth out adjustments and build a happy marriage. The gospel foundation will not eliminate the problems and conflicts, but it will profoundly influence how they will be handled." Joe J. Christensen

The thing is that if one is trying to live by the spirit and is really coming unto Christ with a deeply sincere heart I really believe he/she will be led when moments of doubt, confusion, despair come to his/her life. I also know that when I really needed strength and guidance I made some minor course corrections that had a huge impact on my ability to receive the divine guidance and healing I so desperately needed. Truly it is by small and simple things that great things are brought to pass.

A few weeks ago we had our Stake Women's Conference. Having been released a year ago it was the first I would attend in 10 years that I had not been a member of the Stake RS presidency. I was surprised that as I was preparing to attend I was rather emotional. When I arrived I saw on the program a section entitled "Testimonies of Sisters"

I was overcome. I knew I had to share mine! I tried to talk myself out of it but felt strongly that I must do so. They had mics in the audience so sisters wouldn't have to go to the stand. When I stood up a sister approached me with a mic. I waved her off and whispered "I have to go up there" indicating the stand. I looked out over the sisters I so dearly love and reminded them that I had, for 8 years, hounded them with the same thing. It seems too simple to some and seems to defy all logic that such a seemingly simple thing could heal deep wounds but I know the answer is always the same "Come Unto Him!" That is the answer. He is the answer. Oh, how I love Him.

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."Matthew 11:28-30

And so it goes...

2009-02-15T20:24:00.005-07:00

I struggle, now days, with how best to assist my husband in his progression in the Gospel. This year he signed us up for tithing settlement. He doesn't pay tithing of course but I do and we pay other offerings in my name. Still, it surprised me that he would sign us up. We have a new Bishop who is very kind, soft spoken, caring. My husband explained to our Bishop, and it was new to me as well, that he decided that he is a "Mormon" but not a "Latter-day Saint." I think the Bishop and I looked stumped by that. "What I mean" he explained, "is that I believe the precepts of Mormonism but I am not a member, nor do I want to be, of The Church." OOOKKKAAAYYY!
It really boggles my mind.
Recently we had a conversation, initiated by him, about his excommunication. Perhaps a little background. It was February of 1994 when our Stake President knocked on our door and handed an envelope to my husband. The letter stated that they were convening a church disciplinary court the next day for him for actions unbecoming a member of the church. He was welcome to attend if he wanted to. Since he had not initiated the process I doubt they thought he would actually attend. Prior to this he had not talked to our Stake President since about a year and a half before when my husband had basically confessed and made some commitments to repent. He did not keep those commitments at the time. When he finally did end the affair he did not go to the Stake President or Bishop to repent. I think in his mind he had repented by quitting the behavior. I don’t know why the President didn’t meet with him prior to the court to see where he really was in terms of behavior and the repentance process and to see how he could help him. Anyway, the church court was held and he did attend. As I have written before he wrote down what he wanted to say at the court. He never said it because when the court began the Stake President repeated to the room of High Councilmen his confession of a year and a half before. My husband was stunned and hurt. He felt betrayed that the President would relate to a room full of men he did not know things that he had told the President in confidence.
The other day when he brought up this experience …which I can’t really recall him ever bringing up on his own before…he added “I feel pretty confident that had I confessed to a Catholic Priest he would have kept my confession confidential.” OUCH! I had no idea how to respond to that.

I am certain that my husband's problem with coming back into the church is a result of the extreme pain, embarrassment and betrayal he felt when he was excommunicated. He sat in the outer office as they discussed his fate for about ½ hour praying that he would not be excommunicated. I know him well enough to know that when he was excommunicated after all, he made a promise to himself that he would never return to a church that would cause him such pain. He is perfectly happy and content with believing the gospel without being a member.
I know our Stake President wanted to help enable my husband to fully repent and be baptized pure and clean. My husband did not understand church disciplinary counsels and did not feel the love and concern. I have no idea what it will take for him to come back!

"But if he repent not he shall not be numbered among my people, that he may not destroy my people, for behold I know my sheep, and they are numbered.
"Nevertheless, ye shall not cast him out of your synagogues, or your places of worship, for unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them. " 3 Nephi 18:31,32.

Just Cause

2009-02-08T21:41:00.002-07:00

Came across this quote by Elder Faust
"Marriage between mand and woman is a natural state and is ordained of God. It is a moral imperative. Those marriages performed in our temples, meant to be eternal relationships, then, become the most sacred covenants we can make. The sealing power given by God through Elijah is thus invoked, and God becomes a party to the promises...
"In my opinion, 'just cause' should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person's dignity as a human being.
"At the same time, I have strong feelings about what is not provocation for breaking the sacred covenants of marriage. Surely it is not simply 'mental distress,' nor 'personality differences,' nor 'having grown apart,' nor having 'fallen out of love." Ensign May 1993