Finding Leo

Passing

2017-11-14T22:44:00.001+08:00

In a sudden burst of emotion, all I can say to him was, “Ayoko na.”

Two months have passed and here I am going strong and seemingly have my life figured all up. The decision to call it off steamed from the fact that the relationship no longer serves me. The pang of emotion from two taciturn soul just couldn’t help bridge whatever chaotic situation it resulted. At last I’m free. I’m free to do whatever I want. Afterall, that’s my request. I have to be alone so I can better off myself.

Fast forward two months. I saw how my life unfold from just pursuing my interests without the guilt of having someone feel bad if I go home late. This ardent feeling of independence was addicting and there’s no stopping me at this point.

Until I met someone.

He’s red flag all over. Not the type of person you would like to have serious relationship with.

I got handful of reasons not to pursue this damn feeling. And I’m so proud in saying that I did a good job of not falling to the trap.

Trap. He’s been sending a lot of mixed signals and if I’m that stupid, I could have reacted with confidence and strong assumption that he’s really into me. F*ck.

Lucky me, I don’t have time to process this with utmost urgency and ask him if he feels the same way – or if he has this inkling to pursue me, or whatever. Maybe he felt my indifference, maybe not. You know what, I just don't care anymore.

I’m done.

Too old for this sh*t to consume my time. Time that I could have used to make myself productive.

Bakit Wala Ka Pang Jowa Bes

2017-01-31T17:47:00.000+08:00

Sa Twitter. ‘Yan ang lugar kung saan ko madalas mapansin ang mga taong malungkot, masaya or kung ano ano pang hanash nila meron sa life. Diyan rin madalas mapukaw ang atensiyon ko sa mga taong nangangailagan ng kalinga at pang-unawa dahil sa mga pinagdadaanan nila sa life, lalo na kung mag-isa sila sa buhay. Hirap maging single baks eh.

Maraming paandar sa Twitter. Sila yung mga gustong mapansin. Meron naming mga artists na kung ano anong sh*t in life ang gustong ipamalas. Nakakatawa. Pero madalas, nakikita ko ang sarili ko sa kanila. Kumbaga, relate si gaga lalo na nung single ako. Pansin ko nga, sa kada tweet nila, may fragment sa alaala ko na naging ganun din ako minsan sa buhay. Example, ung mga hanash nila na “Ok naman pala maging single. Daming pwedeng gawin.” Take note sa operative word – single. Siempre, ikukuda mo na single ka, para try lang na mapatibong mo si crush. So I think, let’s start there. Isa-isahin natin ang mga dahilan kung bakit kaya sila single, ayon sa general tweets nila baks. Pawang obserbasyon lang. Hindi ako hihingi ng certificate sa Philippine Mental Health Institute ~~(not sure if this even exist)~~, para sa mga ‘to. Natuwa lang ako sa topic.

May pake ako kung masaktan kayo kung matamaan kayo, so please comment away! Try niyong i-defend ang kagagahan niyo. Charot lang mars. Malamang matawa lang ako at hindi ko kayo seryosohin.

So ito ang mga dahilan kung bakit single si baks:

1. Hindi mo pa naranasan ang long-term relationship. Malamang, kaya ka nga single until now. Pero ang gusto ko lang i-point out, baka naman hindi mo na na-feel gumawa ng effort na pahabain ang relasyon mo. Isang root-cause nito ay ang ex mo ay hindi rin nakaranas ng long-term relationship. So ngayon, nga-nga ka. Try ka pa rin ng try magkajowa. Nagkakajowa ka naman pero matagal na ang isang buwan. Pero happy ako kasi nakaya mo naman. Try lang ulit. Malay mo yung next ay swak na. Pero I doubt. Haha!

2. Dami mong arte. I-define lang natin ung arte. Ma-arte para sa akin ung taong close-minded. Gusto ganito lang, at kapag nag-deviate ka, di na niya feel. Taas ng standard sa ibang tao, pero di naman niya ma-meet sarili niyang standard. Kung ikaw ito, galingan mo pa baks. Taasan mo pa standards mo. I know it’s worth the wait. Lalo na kung 45 years old ka na. Kalansay ka na, naghahanap ka pa rin ng makakasama sa kweba.

3. Hindi Ka Marunong Gumamit ng Social Media. Alam ko marunong ka mag-login at magcomment and all that sh*t. Pero naman kasi, puro ka kanegahan, or masyado kang ma-arte (please refer to number 2). Try mong maging genuinely na mabait. Meron kasing iba na mabait naman talaga, pero may bait-baitan. Yung mga bait-baitan, ayun, maraming pekeng kaibigan. Try mong gamitin ang Social Media to reach out, learn new things, be genuinely interested sa mga tao. Understand them. Charot. Don’t understand them. Effort ka pa.

4. Sorry ha, pero baka kasi hindi ka maganda. Alam ko naman na ang kagandahan ay subjective. It’s in the eye of the beholder at kung ano ano pang sh*t. Pero baks, kahit mataas ang confidence mo, kung hindi ka gustuhin, eh hindi ka talaga gustuhin. Try mong i-divert sa ibang bagay. Try mong maging tunay na matalino. Hindi yung google google lang baks. Try mong ayusin ung pakikipag-usap mo. Try mong maging sincere. Pero kung hindi talaga, try mo na muna pa-diamond peel, ayusin mo rin sarili mo. Paano magkakagusto sa yo si crush, hindi ka niya maiintroduce sa mga friends niya, kasi nga, paka-chaka mo. Effort din. May mga kaibigan akong panget dati, pero nagawan ng paraan. Try mo makinig sa mga payo ng friends mo na magpaderma or magpalit ng wardrobe.

5. Hindi Mo Kilala Sarili Mo. Pansin ko ‘to sa Twitter. Walang trend sa mga sinasabi. Or kung may trend man, pasok sa reasons 1-4. Passé man, pero be yourself. Ano ba gusto mo talaga sa life mo? Gusto mo bang maging dancer? Isang businessman? Poet? Construction Worker? Baker? Show your consistent self. Hindi kung ano-anong kagagahan. Most likely, guys would like someone consistent, or nageevolve ng onti-onti. Which leads me to –

6. Evolve – gaga, hindi ka butterfly. Pero sana magevolve yung ugali mo, or mag-grow ka as a person. Hindi yung isang taon na, lasengga ka pa rin. Isang taon na, puro ka SEB. Isang taon na, pakatanga mo pa rin sa ex mo. Isang taon na, hilig mo pa rin mang-bash, eh hindi ka naman maganda.

7. Takot ka magmahal. Love is a risk worth taking. Wala namang tanga na nagmamahal to begin with. Tanga lang kapag naperahan ka na or nanakawan ka na, mahal mo pa rin. Takot ka kasi baka mareject ka. Sa totoo lang, sino ba gusto mareject. Pero kasi girl, kung hindi ka marereject, paano mo malalaman kung may pag-asa ka. Si madam Auring ka ba na huhulaan lang ang feelings ni crush. Abay gaga ka nga.

8. Choosy ka masyado. Iba to sa #2. Kapag choosy ka, ibig sabihin nun marami kang choices. Tapos yung choices mo in life, sobrang poor. Example, crush na ng crush mo. Pero ate, choosy ka sa lugar, pagkain, at kung ano anong activities. Ayaw mo mag-adjust sa kasama mo, kasi ang taas ng tingin mo sa sarili mo. Wag ka na magjowa. Love Yourself, sabi nga ni Justin Bieber

9. Tamad ka. Having a relationship take some effort. Maghatid, meet-up, magtext and all that shibambamboom. Pero since tamad ka at madalas ka tulog sa kangkungan, eh nabobore ang mga ka-date mo. You know how to change this. Matanda ka na baks.

10. You don’t have much friends. Quality over quantity to mamshie. Check mo, ilan ba ang mga friends mo from high school. Yung level na mauutangan mo. Kung more than 5 yan, well, congratulation, pang-friendship material ka lang. Hahaha, mejo magulo. Pero you know what I mean, I hope.

11. Eto na, final na. Napapagod na ako. Last reason is… malandi ka bez. Hindi ka pwede makipagjowa kung saksakan ka ng flirt. Kahit open si partner sa ganyan, may saturation period yan. Kaya in the end, either short-term relationship ka lang, or talagang single ka for life kasi ang kati mo baks. Kasing kati mo yung dagta ng gabi at dinurog na buhok ng higad.

So ayun na nga. Daming kuda. I’m not a relationship guru, but these are just some of the things I’ve observed in my 29 years of existence. ~~Charot sa 29.~~ In the greater scheme of things, ang importante naman ay masaya ka kung single or may partner ka. And by masaya, I mean, ito yung estado na nagagawa mo ang gusto mo na ayon sa puso mo at kuntento ka sa mga pangangailangan mo bilang babae or feeling babae, whichever is appropriate. At kung wala sa estado na yun, pwede ba, kumuda ka na lang ng mga bagay na tingin mo HINDI makakaapekto ng masama sa iba. In short, be considerate. Be mature enough to understand na hindi man ito ang gusto mo, darating din ang panahon na aayon din ang lahat sa kagustuhan mo. Cheka. Maganda ka ba?

A Comeback (2016 Review Primer)

2016-12-05T22:06:00.002+08:00

I am actually supposed to do something for work but I felt this itch coming into my fingers and clicked on my blog. I am surprised to see that my last blog entry was last year. Since then, I have never made any entry for this year. What a shame.

To tell you honestly, I’ve been so occupied with a lot of things for the past few months. Good thing, they were all positive things that came along. There’s nothing to complain about and I think I’ve come into terms that we get both – good and bad in this life. If I were to recollect my past experiences, I think this year, 2016 has been so good to me. I can’t enumerate them all and I reserve them for my own for now. But here are some of my 2016 highlights.

Work has been so generous to me and I think I’m reaping the hard work and resilience. There are ups and downs, but I’m always ready to celebrate the small wins. Part of me has grown because of the role I have in the company. I’m very privileged to have a very strong team and I’m so proud of their individual contributions. I’m so thankful for my boss and we’ve been good friends. This we found as a good formula for work relationships. We also go by the mantra of “making our people happy.” This ignites passion and keeps our office culture in tact.

In the family front, I’m delighted to have my first niece. Sister and brother-in-law is doing well in New Zealand and parents are there for a six-month vacation. I’m elated seeing my parents enjoy the snow but more importantly, I’m pleased to see their health in full-swing.

Currently, I live alone in a simple house, just a kilometer away from our old abode. Younger brother was tasked to man the old house as we have several pets there. I’m tasked to look after our property in the east of the metro, and I haven’t seen it for four months or so.

Partner and I are still going strong. He’s doing well in his new found love – business. He’ll return to corporate set-up in the next few days in Manila. We’ll live together as we sort out our future. We decided after two years that we take the next step. Our weekly house dating is just getting too short for us. We want to be together all the time. I just have one condition for him – let me do my hobby which is badminton. He’s supportive and I think it’ll never be an issue to us.

You see, despite the negativity we see in our world nowadays, I think it’s paramount for us to look on the small good things coming our way. I bet challenges will always be there, it’s part of the normalcy. One question I asked when I was in China, should we waste time in overthinking instead of contemplating how we can better ourselves and our future? I observed other countries whose people has been passionate in their own craft. They simplify, excel, inspire, they progress. I went home with that lesson in mind.

As I move forward to another year, my fervent hope is for the people around me to feel good about themselves and start to experience growth. I was stagnant before but it takes a mindset to really change my situation.

If I can, I’m sure you will, too.

Leo The Dora, No!

2015-09-14T11:02:00.001+08:00

Allow me to rave on my recent weekend.

So Friday after shift, I went straight to Clark Pampanga to see Jason, Mark and Archie. Jason and I just recently became friends through Twitter and Mark and my Covet friends used to hang-out. It was something unplanned. We just thought of just having dinner and coffee until midnight. I came in earlier than the agreed time as I still have to join a meeting for the new account I will working on. I just stayed on a coffee shop and did people watching once in a while. Jason arrived and we chit-chatted while we wait for Archie and Mark. After both arrived, we went straight to Koko Buri, a very nice restaurant in Clark. We went to Café Mesa afterwards and we were treated with a cozy place and very delicious hazelnut coffee. After coffee, we head on to Jason’s hotel in San Fernando, then back to Dau to drop off Mark as he needs to go home to Tarlac. Me and honey just stayed in a very cute place in Mabalacat, had breakfast, and I went back to Manila that morning. Saturday afternoon, I need to travel back up north – this time, Pulilan, Bulacan. One of my staff member, just inaugurated their family’s new commercial building. It was an awesome celebration with food, red wine and some videoke. It was fun. Chinese red wine was something that stuck in my mind. I got home minutes after midnight.

I don’t know what is going on. I’ve been going out this month, and I’m not complaining. Driving is fun in NLEX but going to NLEX is just a totally different story. Expressways are the coolest, but metro manila roads are not so friendly.

Sunday, I got my dental braces removed. Yahoo, I’m totally free of braces after three years. It just feel so weird though.

Now, it’s Monday once more.

We oftentimes dread this day. It’s the start of the week where we mentally and physically need to prepare.

And I really don’t know what else to say.

I’m tired.

A-Not-So Blogging Comeback

2015-09-11T09:41:00.001+08:00

I stumbled upon Ceiboh’s recent blog entry and made me realize the same point he delivered, a comeback in blogging.

I don’t know. It’s been like 5 or 6 years from the time I blogged. The ultimate aim was just really to share stories, experiences and to document anything I feel like putting out here. As I try to relive those days where I write random stuff about love and other noteworthy ventures, I wonder what inspired me, to be honest. While I know my aim, I can’t help but get motivation from the engagement and interactions I get from blogging. It was fun and people were generally appreciative.

Most of the bloggers I know are into Twitter. Micro-blogging may have killed the blogging hobby, but I still think that blogging is completely separate from expressing mental farts, to scientific discoveries, arts, video blogging and all other platforms where you express, rant or just plainly show-off.

A lot of things have changed and mostly have infused themselves as how technology moves. Just observe how Apple technology changed the game with how we produce output at work, arts, gaming and all other things you can imagine. It’s just that crazy.

Just like snail mail, I think personal blogging should not be deterred by how we use technology in expressing and documenting our lives. Where everything now is a free-flow, the more I think that we must explain ourselves and put more color to our thoughts and feelings. We have all the technology to engage and share, what we need right now, is the passion to really connect and tell our stories with a little bit of play of words and not just turn everything visual and one-liners. Because at the end of the day, I still believe that we should elicit exchange of significant thoughts than to invite miscommunication and misinterpretation.

Do I have the time to go back to this piece of junk? Well, hell yeah. My life might have been a bore for the last three years, I am still thankful that I’m still learning a few and I’d like to share some of these things in my blog. Things changed and I know it’s a cliché. I still never outgrown my desire to really write, share and inspire others, especially those who have known me through this blog and those that I made friends with.

Just few updates about me. I’m happy with my current partner right now. We’re currently on our 16^th months and things are looking brighter for both of us. Work is tough, and is getting tougher. I work in a BPO but I’m now more than a year in the morning shift. I got a small team, but I get the fulfillment with how strong, independent and competent my team is. Family is great. Sister has already stayed in New Zealand for more than a year. We have plans of visiting her next year. I put on hold my plan of working in NZ, but I’m not closing doors and I still would want to migrate if given the chance. I started to go out again and meeting new friends has given me a new perspective in life. I lagged behind badminton, but I’m starting to pick-up on this activity since last week. I’m now staying in a new house in San Jose Del Monte Bulacan, and Bamba (my Nissan Navara pickup) is still my best companion in travels, most recent long-drive of which is Baguio. I have plans of doing video-blogs again! But I might postpone until next year, as I migrate to a new country. *fingers-crossed*

Oh life. It goes on. At my age where people think I got it all together, I think I’m in a perpetual stage of planning and really just living each day at a time. I’ve no regrets. And to my span of influence, may we all find our happiness in our journeys.

Love Found Us

2015-02-20T14:10:00.001+08:00

Earlier that year, I was like in a limbo hovering from one place to the other. I was in a constant search for that one person. I don’t know why, but I guess part of my DNA is the sheer passion to be with someone. My center and peace of mind revolves around the fact that I was born to love and be loved. When one can construe this a mere dependence to someone, others find this a sign of weakness and a depiction of one “hopeless romantic” micro-organism of the entire universe. Well, a news for myself, I am that person, and I don’t intend to put a stop until I find him. I guess I was never really born alone or single. It’s just not my story.

My happiness is not really finding the perfect guy that society conspicuously dictates in so many forms of platform. It’s not even in the chase. I came to conclude one day that my happiness is simply finding a person who I can love, spend the rest of my life and just open up my life so he can love me back.

Easy? Definitely not.

Finding a partner in life is like looking for a dream job. You go on dates like it’s an interview process, you go on several dates – which is like an on the job training. Come to think of it, relationship starts to be like a job and ends up being a career. Why? Because you start by doing your job as a partner, and as time goes by, you build your life and your choices based on the relationship, just like a career.

However, I dug deeper, I feel that relationships should be taken as separate entities. Your discipline in the work is something you do not apply in your love one. And when I say discipline, it’s the corporate management where you document disciplinary measures and instill progressive programs. Same goes for love-relationships, you do not kiss and hug after a terrible fight at work. Needless to say, that’s very awkward.

My contention really is this, finding your love of your life is seeking not your happiness, but the happiness of the person you've chosen to love for the rest of your life. Along the way, if your happiness and his happiness dances in unison, count not the years of togetherness because years become irrelevant for two people who signed contracts in their hearts, it’s more binding than a piece of paper.

As I aged, I realized that success for the youth are the people that have accumulated wealth over the years. In my age right now, it still applies. But as I grow older, I reckon my success is measured by how my partner reminisce the moments we shared - the problems we have solved, the laughter that made us forget, the people who we've helped, the effort we put just to see each other, how we smelled each other’s neck, how we finish the food in our plates, sharing popcorn and soda while watching a movie, the warm hug before we fall asleep, and so many others.

In our age right now, where we are busy with our own careers and realizing our dreams, I can’t help but think about my future with him. Relationship for me is not complete if we don’t share those dreams together. While I may get support and validation from my family and friends, I find my partner’s perspective a little bit over the notch than anyone else. After all, I feel that what is given by my partner is more than a validation.

I thank the universe for trusting me to love again. I am happy that I've found peace and serenity knowing that a person have seen beyond my imperfection and just accepted me for who I am. And I think the secret is just doing the same, loving the person beyond the imperfection and accepting them for who they are.

Barakos Conquered South

2014-12-22T12:09:00.000+08:00

It was a great day for a road trip to the beach. Sun was not as hot during summer, not as wet during rainy season. The night before, Honey was already headed to our home from Pampanga. I picked him up in the nearby mall. Hold his left hand while I drive.

I was thinking of the things that have transpired prior this weekend get-away with the Barakos. To name a few, these were the hell week in the office, that holiday rush, that awesome chat with Japs on our way to pick up Louie at the airport, the arrival of my best friend from the US after his 6 months business trip, my crazy moments at home, chat with sis in NZ, meeting a new friend Kisha, and a whole lot more. It was a roller coaster ride with considerable ups and momentary downs.

Three highlights from our trip to Batangas - sharing session in the bonfire, the funny "exhaust" game, and the friendship that no matter how cheesy we get, we define and live the meaning of it now to a whole new level.

with Bestfriend Louie

Fresh Louie!

Sunrise in Batangas

trying Beach Volleyball with sporty Babit, Nate and Nikki

the annoying forced selfie of bestfriend in my phone.

meditation on top of a rock formation

me loves

the very posh Natey Perry

the obligatory groufie

The year 2014 was a challenging year, for work and relationships. What a better way to end this year than to celebrate with loved ones and close friends! The trip was long but I can say that this is the most fun I had for as long as I can remember.

Cheers.

It'll Get Better

2014-12-18T13:36:00.001+08:00

Have you ever faced a problem alone? Like no one can ever help you but yourself? How does it feel? How did it impact your life, your important relationships and self-value? Have you realized the value of your circle? Did you reach out for help?

I’m not sure with you. But these questions, are actually the questions that I’ve asked myself, as I try to figure out solving my recent crisis in life. These are the questions that I’ve thrown myself almost every day. These are the same questions that hurt me, but made me realize stuff.

Weeks after I moved out from home (parent’s house), my issues in finances came rushing in my doorsteps. I become broke for months. I have to pay rent, budget my income and maintain my lifestyle. It was aggravated when I started working in the day shift. You see, working in a BPO industry is fabulous if you work in the evening since you are secured of night differential. But when I started supporting Asia Pacific countries like Hong Kong, Singapore, India, Australia and New Zealand, it removed my night differential which was significant in my pay with the huge tax I pay every month.

My source of income got impacted, my savings went to zero. This change got me caught in a very tight dilemma.

Sister moved to New Zealand last September which means, I don’t have anyone close to me to ask for help. Things moved on and here comes another problem. I have to renew my car’s insurance and have my quarterly car maintenance. I also ran into a small accident where I have to claim weeks before my insurance gets expired. Unfortunately after it get fixed, my insurance expired and I have to put my car on the garage for more than a week. That means, I have to commute. To be honest, it was a humbling experience. I get to ride the jeep again and there are days I rode an ordinary bus.

I tried to patch things up by applying a short-term loan and credit cards. Everyone denied me. Not a single bank allowed me for a loan. There were insanely and ridiculous reasons why. One, my employer replied to banks saying I was a resigned employee since August. Another is my employer’s employee verification officer can’t be reached. To be perfectly honest, I felt those months were really ugly months of my life. I felt I was inviting negative vibes. There were days I think it was more than that. I felt I was cursed. A grave loser.

I cried and reached out for help. But no one can. I think it was the universe telling me, “You gotta endure this alone my friend.”

As I cogitate my previous month’s existence. I asked those questions but ultimately, I asked myself, “why?” Why do I have to go through this?

With this I realized the meaning of friendship. I realized the importance of family. I realized how Archie loves me, that despite his own problems, he understood and helped me pay one month of my rent. That despite the distance, he braved a storm just to see and spend a day with me. I love you hon!

Today, I’m not completely free of the struggles, but I’m getting there. I just need to settle few things and I'm off to a better life. See you soon New Zealand! I promised myself that I should no longer be in this predicament. I need to do this for myself and the people that believes in me. I’m a bit wiser and stronger now but above all…

I could have not survive this ordeal without those few people who eased me out in the process. My gratitude remains in you all.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you!

Initium

2014-08-28T20:05:00.000+08:00

Sixteen months is a perpetual epoch for someone to be single for my own standards. I've asked people and their view seems to be quite consistent. For most of them, they feel that I should have enjoyed more. Meet more guys, hang-out, date and refocus my energy with career and other society driven paramount.

As I cogitate my singlehood, there’s only one resounding feeling all throughout this. I want to get out of this episode. I should put a stop.

And came this person.

I met him in my favorite social media platform, Twitter. I was trying to remember until now, who added who. But it dawned on me that this guy has caught my attention. He’s not the typical tweep who will post self-centered, ego-boost and “pa-pogi” tweets. You won’t see any pretentions at all. In the onset, you will just see raw emotions from his previous break-up. There were times I want to throw-up in his self-loathing tweets. Sometimes I think his drama is over the top, "teleserye" kind of way.

Well, I can blame my messianic complex in me getting to be interested with this person. I feel that his problematic break-up is just the same break-up moments I went through my ex. I feel that I can relate. I feel that I can help.

I can help.

Without any intentions whatsoever, I reached out and ask for his picture, had a couple of DMs, got his number and ask him out. I learned he’s an architect by profession, working in an outsource firm.

Ok, I may have plans of dating him, but when I found out he’s in Pampanga, I recalculated my plans and decided there that this will not work out, and maybe he’ll just need someone like me to talk to.

We exchange texts from time to time and ask him if he has plan to visit Manila, just to try my luck. I entertained other guys but I still check up on him. I read his tweets and nothing change. He’s still emo and I can imagine him all the time with bangs, black shirt, black nail polish and all that stuff. He’s funny most of the time.

Then came a week before May 10. I decided to ask him out and he surprisingly said yes (insert big smile here). I don’t know what’s with the month of May, but this month was actually important to me and my ex since we celebrate previously our anniversary this time of the year.

And the rest was history. First meet-up turned out great, but still, I don’t know if this person was interested with me.

If you ask me, I am already attracted to him. We talked and decided to be in an “exclusively dating” phase. If I recall, I feel I was so ready to jump into a commitment. I was in a constant rush and I was afraid he can’t paddle the boat with me.

First few weeks or months were kinda rough for both of us. Our adjustment is just messed up and if we didn’t get our act together, it could have just ended with nothing but a short-term, band aid solution for our loneliness. There’s this point where we try to argue about certain things. He claiming I have “trust” issues, while on the other hand, I feel it has something to do with “personality differences.”

With the challenges we are faced on our set-up, I am surprised every day that we still remain to be strong as a couple. This guy has shown a lot of patience and putting up with my tantrums and drama. There are so many reasons why he should not fall for me, but he just shrugged it off. There were no days I haven’t talked to him. And every single day, we get the chance to know each other more. Admittedly I think, he has shown more maturity in handling relationship than me.

Knowing him more was just the biggest adventure I had. For someone who is not out as a gay guy, I never went beyond understanding their situation and predicament. I was obstinate by the fact that it’s their fault why they are still living inside the closet. But now, I get to understand it more through him. Aside from understanding the situation I learned how to accept the person whether he is out or not.

I always thank the day I met him.

I feel I can take on new challenges in life and be the better person for him and our future. I myself, find it ridiculous that I find my center when I am in love. That no matter how hard I tell myself that career is important, I still long for a partner. Lame as you may see it, but I’ve seen my worst side because of that emptiness inside.

What’s left to do is to try my very best to keep this together with a long-term goal and aspiration.

Love has found me after being lost for some time however, I am happy that I’ve already found the right reason and courage to write the biggest love story of my life. No doubt, he has my heart and he deserves the love I've been wanting to share.

For a life-time.

Cheers.

Begin Again

2014-03-19T16:51:00.000+08:00

It was just another day for me when all of a sudden someone was pinging me, inquiring about my email address. I was thinking of which one to give as I've thought he will drop his resume and apply to our company. Never did I expect I'll receive a very pleasant surprise.

Leo,

I need to tell you something. I told you that I was inspired by your blog to write an entry for my own blog same way as you did. And I thank you because it serves as an outlet for me to pour out my emotions and feelings of longing for my better half. But one thing you need to know, as I write down every words of that letter, I think about you because I really like you. I don't know your whole personality, we don't met in person and I never heard your voice before, but one thing I'm pretty sure of, that I like you since I saw your profile on chat app. The moment I saw your bearded face with a sweet smile, I told to myself that this guy is so appealing to me. As we go along knowing some details of each other's life, the level of attraction I had on you continually increases.

I believe that being attracted to you is not my choice, it is instant and I can't control. But liking you after being attracted to you is my choice. I chose to like you because I think our hands fit together, I think that you're my missing puzzle piece, that I'll be more happy when I'm with you. But I've got no evidence for that, I've got no proof that we can sing the same song. Our lives differ from one another, you're in the city I'm in the province, you're almost at the peek of your career and I'm just a beginner in my career, you've got a lot of experience in relationship and I've got none, your real personality is all out in public and mine is not. At the back of my mind, I think I'm not your type and I'm not your ideal guy. Honestly, I'm afraid to be rejected, and I think all of us don't like that feeling. But I'll take the risk that I might be knocking on the wrong door. At least I've got the opportunity to know you and be your friend.

The reason why I send this letter to you, is for you to know that there's someone, somewhere here in Bulacan, appreciates your existence, your kindness, your intelligence, your stories, your beauty from inside and out, your creativity and lastly, your beard and mustache. Probably you're laughing while reading this message, thinking that I'm out of my mind or it's just a result of my immaturity, but, as I told you I've never been in any relationship and never been a suitor to anyone. So I don't know what to do. This is the only way I know to catch your attention, for you to know my feelings and to know that I'm very serious to you. For now, I can't afford to ask you for a date, so this letter is my only chance to show and prove to you that I really like you.

Leo, I like you! That's all, thanks!

-E.P

After the dating fiasco I recently had, this act of confession diluted the hurt and was replaced by reactions like,

“No, this can’t be happening…”

“Is he serious?”

“Wow, he can write well!”

“Oh my, what have I done to him?”

“Awww, that is cute!!! Why me?”

Why me?

Then with a knee-jerk impulse I answered, “WHY NOT.”

After all that has transpired during the past few days, I can’t help but question my capacity to be loved again. That spark of hope I was talking about in the recent blog entry got watered like a plant. It was ignited like a fire on its minute phase. He made me feel important, but more than anything else, he made me feel that I deserve another chance.

I admire him for taking the risk. I can see myself in him that I, like him has the propensity to take risk and be straightforward enough when it’s needed. It’s admirable for a guy to put that effort. For when I stopped to chase, someone was willing to stand up and care to volunteer. Someone is confessing to me. Someone is pouring all his heart out, word per word. I mean, in my lifetime, I've only experienced this in few occasions.

I’m not sure where this would lead. But I sure do hope that this time, it’ll be sweeter.

It’ll be sweeter.

Sleepless

2014-03-16T13:28:00.000+08:00

How on earth I allowed this to happen?

When all the while, I thought I was strong and sturdy, a certain move leads me to another broken hearted episode. When I controlled every sense of my feelings and posed a dominant facade, I come crumbling down to pieces. On a Sunday noon, when all are in the confines of home, relaxing and enjoying the day, here I am, in tears as I type this blog entry.

Why am I attracted to someone and when I get to know him more, I fell? Then for some reasons, I put myself into a hurting situation when all the while, I should have known better?

I should know better.

But I chose to be the loving guy that despite knowing his reputation, I am here to love and accept. Albeit I am in dark knowing how I stand in his life, I was willing to take that risk to embrace all of him. Despite the fact, that all I get, is that this has never been a big deal for him.

How cheap can I get that I endure these miserable and faltering emotions? This is unbecoming of a dignified person that I know of. I anticipate frustrations from my life mentors. How can I be proud of this failure?

It’s a sad state of affairs. And there’s only one to be blamed.

Me.

I know I can pick-up from this mess. I’ve come to terms that I can move on in a snap.

But this one is complex. For when I started to believe again in love, this blow just made me realize that it’s just over. I am doomed and will never find him ever.

How can I bring back that spark of hope?

I think a sound sleep can give me back that mental shape. I think a long and profound sleep can mend that hurt.

Or I can just be sleepless. Until I learn how to be tough again.

Single Musings

2014-02-27T04:44:00.001+08:00

I was on my way to the parking area when I realized that it has been a week from the time I celebrated my anniversary of being single. How can I forget, February 17? How can I forget the poignant moment of my life when everything got settled into parting ways? But prior to that, I was so stressed with work that there was really a hint of me being absent for at least a day. So I am absent today. Right now, as I type the remaining body of this blog, I’m quite feverish. However, this shouldn’t stop me from writing what I feel I need to write. It’s long overdue and I’m not giving myself a favor if I miss this chance, this moment.

So going back to my story… as I’m turning on Bamba’s engine, I kinda’ contemplated the year that was. I think one important facet of that year was the moment I had with the family. Since they are a source of strength and inspiration, I often draw the passion from them. I feel that for every step I do, every achievement I have, I bring forth pride in them. More paramount I guess is the fact that they’ve been supportive of me in every endeavor I have. October was when I outed myself to my sister, and never did I feel indifference. In fact, I never have to out myself to my parents, because sister already confirmed that they know what I’ve gone through with ex. There’s just immense joy in that, and I draw from that feeling the willingness to move on with my life.

Then we have friends. How can I survive if not for friends? The words of encouragement, subtle schooling and bullying did help in some ways. It’s not just the happy moments you spent together as a group, but it’s more of the support you get from this people that matters. That whatever you are going through, they rarely judge you. It’s a revelation to have meet and be close to some people I never thought I will be very close with. You have Pareng L who was ex’s previous best friend. I’m not sure what happened but with some stroke of the universe, we clicked on a lot of things and it turns out that we’re like twins. Though I won’t compete on who-has-the-longest-hair contest, he has been like a repository of my dark secrets. Feels like he knows everything about me… well, lately. Honestly, Barakos (someone coined this name to my blogger’s group), has been instrumental to my “moving-on” chapter. The fact that I can tell everything to them, means a lot. I love them.

This was also the time I rekindled my friendship to some of my long-lost friends. Who would have thought I can gain strength from my high school friends. They’ve been very supportive as well. But more importantly, they have imparted some sort of wisdom. They have their own families but I still feel that they look after me at some point.

Then you have a best friend in the office. You know what they say that you don’t mix friendship and business together? Apparently, it’s not applicable to my co-manager friend. We have our ups and downs and lunch-date misses, but then again, we look after each other’s welfare in the office. We have nurtured a connection. We’re like shock-absorbers for each other.

I feel that my foundation at this point is family and friends. And I personally feel that it’s the right route. That however cheesy as it may sound, it’s just the primordial thing at this point.

This was also a year of unending blessings from the universe. I’m really thankful for a lot of things that have happened after the break-up.

We’ll to say the least, I feel I’m blessed to have meet several guys in my attempt to find the perfect guy. A lot of school of thoughts lingers to me in this aspect. For one, I’ve learned that it’s better to work on yourself first while you are single so that the right person will come along. I agree. Been there done that. Am I still a work in progress? I think so. Do I have the right people to give me feedback and advice? I think so too. It’s great to change for the better, I embrace this dogma, and I hope people close to me will not hesitate to provide honest feedback.

Be the person you want to meet. It’s like telling, attract someone with your own personality. Sometimes I feel it’s like a BS. But come to think of it, when you are in a relationship you want to be respected so you show the same respect. It’s easy to comprehend yet there were moments I was selfish. Like I want this, I want that… Those pesky standards I placed into guys, when all I know, those same standards can be the same standards I will be measured upon. Funny truth.

This time around, I’m sure I’ve done my part as a single citizen of the world.

I’ve loved myself and brought back self-worth. Confidence is something that can’t be questioned. I can be upfront when situation arises. I can be observant when I need to decipher and sort things out. I can be wherever I want to be. It’s this feeling of control to my destiny that brings me the most “high.” This concludes the fact that I’ve experienced happiness in both sides – being single and being in a relationship.

Whatever the case maybe, I think my own happiness is non-negotiable.

So now, I’m not sure what’s in store for me in the future. If it entails another heart break, so be it. If I was able to bear it at some point, I don’t think it will be harder the next time around. If it entails a blissful success, I’ll be very thankful in every second of my life. I think it takes a lot of maturity to accept whatever risk we have to take. It takes maturity to know when to stop and know the consequences. I’m on that stage right now.

A plethora of things and tasks are still in the pipeline. As long as there is something to do and to look forward to, I’m ok.

I’m ok.

Thank You 2013

2013-12-27T18:33:00.001+08:00

It has been a year of ups and downs, but mostly happy stories this 2013. I’m happy to recount some of the highlights, stories and lessons of this year and how it impacted the way I view things now. Indeed, I’m thankful for the blessings and love manifested by the universe. I’m thankful that for this year, I got to have more control of my life and steered it on the way I want it to be. Thanks to people who shared their time, to the friends who never left me on my own battles, to my family who've always been with me.

January

• First time to experience tollgate (NLEX). Went to Tagaytay with ex to celebrate his 27th birthday. It was a thrilling experience, something very new to me. But honestly, I’m intimidated by how other people can tackle the road flawlessly. I survived my first bout in the most famous national road of the country. I arrived in Tagaytay in one piece.

• The month where I started planning out New Zealand migration.

February

• Few days after Valentines, he broke up with me. I cried for few days and was ready to move on after several weeks.

• The months where I averaged 15 hours a day at work

March

• Dated the following: a Twitter personality, someone I met in PR, someone in Grindr, a policeman and some more

• Work started to be very demanding. Still averaging 15 hours a day at work

April

• Attended one of my supervisor's wedding in Pampanga. Conquered SLEX this time.

May

• Scheduled my meeting with NZ immigration consultant

June

• My sister got diagnosed with Viral Encephalitis. One of the most dramatic episodes of my life.

• Cancelled my plan to migrate to NZ due to high expenses in the hospital

July

• Seriously planned on buying a pick-up

August

• One of the best months in the office. Site’s performance exceeded all other vendors

September

• Planned my birthday in Palawan with my sister

October

• Went to Palawan with Sis. Enjoyed every moment of this vacation

• Got featured in damuhan.com, thanks again to my friend, Bino

• Bought Bamba, my Nissan Navara pick-up (picture above)

• Went to Subic to visit our US Navy cousin

• Went to Tagaytay with the closest friends in the online world – the Barakos

November

• Most emotional month of all the months. There were moments I got depressed because of the feeling of emptiness

• Sis’ boyfriend came home from New Zealand to have a vacation. It was my first time to drive to the international airport to pick-up someone.

December

• Busiest month of the year

• Experienced for the first time manila's theme park – Star City

• Went to Puerto Galera, got drunk on one of the weekends and met a guy who sat beside me on the beach

• Went to Tagaytay with Arvin, my co-soundcloud artist. Hmmm, I know right.

• Attended a family reunion for the first time

The universe has blessed me with a lot of human interactions, failures which ended up to be valuable lessons in life. Here are some of the key thoughts I remember for 2013:

• That everything happens for a reason. The plans that did not materialize, just like the plan to migrate might not or will not be good for me. Or is not yet time.

• Breaking-up is not bad after all. You get to learn more of yourself after being hurt. It’s also a test of how you can endure temporary pain. That moving on is the most important facet.

• Friends are the people who are there for you when you are down, not when there is just booze and some party going on.

• That having a boyfriend is cool. But being rich is cooler. Just kidding

• If you are single, you will be sad once in a while

• Having a relationship will never define you. It should not be the end-all or be-all

• It’s better to be single than be in a wrong relationship

• Pursue happiness, and enjoy while doing it

• Never leave your friends behind

• Generosity, thankfulness, deep gratitude and paying it forward

• “What others do to you is their karma, how you react, is yours.”

• Love your work, and work will love you back, ten-folds

With just a few days, we will welcome 2014. I just hope that the universe continue to bless me with wisdom. But above all, peace and serenity in my heart - comfort that whatever happens in my life, I got all the things I need and that my dreams are just in the palm of my hands.

To prosperity and beyond.

Cheers.

My Blog Got Featured in damuhan.com!

2013-09-30T08:23:00.000+08:00

This is the first time that I get to be interviewed by a certified blogger and be put on a hotseat!

Thanks to a very good friend, Bino of damuhan.com for making me the blogger of the month of October. I'd be forever grateful for the opportunity to share my stories and insights. I super enjoyed it.

If you want to read the full article, kindly click here.

To You

2013-09-10T15:28:00.001+08:00

To My Future Half,

I wonder if you are still in existence. For I am not sure if I will continue my life in solitude or together we weave our love story. I wonder if you are just out there living your own life, doing your usual grind or in the arms of your lover. I sometimes think if we will still see each other, cross our paths or should I just wallow in the thoughts that you are no longer to happen. That you actually do not exist. That I am just a fool.

Quite frankly, I am losing patience. Not in a desperate type of way, but I just can't help but think that you are just out there. That you might be someone living in my circle, someone I met in the past, someone I get to interact online, or someone that have gone astray. I am losing patience in myself because the more I control my feelings, the more I see myself clamoring for your attention. Then again, the sad part is, I don't know who you are. Or I know you, but I am afraid to take that step believing that we don't sing the same song. I hope I am wrong and it is not too late.

Let me put this all out.

You know, in my dreams I see you as someone that complements my crazy life. In my randomness, there you are arranging my elements. For in my authoritative way, you harmonize and make me do things in unison to yours. That in my character you add shades I've never set my eyes and heart upon before, because you just can. You just simply can.

If you are someone I have chance upon in the past, I am sorry for not paying attention. My heart belongs to someone that time. Now that I am free, I was indeed wrong to assume that maybe, it's our time now. I am still waiting. Because until we fall in each other's arms, I will feel that longingness. It does linger until now, and it pains me tremendously, that you are still not in my reality.

It takes time. I should wait. I should be patient. Believe me, I understand and I am patient.

As I wait for you my future half, I am making myself busy preparing for your coming. For when our time comes, I want you to be proud of me. I don't want you to feel I am just an average person not worthy of your time, trust and affection. I hope that despite my shortcomings, you will still have faith in me. We want us to be strong. We want us to define stability and maturity. Your happiness is my happiness. I want us to laugh together. Meet our families and friends. That we are intimate not because it is our responsibility, but because it is nothing but normalcy. There are times we will argue, but we will stick with each other no matter what, because on our hearts, that's the right thing to do. When the time comes I am prepared, I believe you will come along. You will come along.

To you I will devote my life. Strong words, though we know it is the fundamental for both. Serious, but that it is how it should be. Because what is the sense of relationship if it just flows and exist on fooling around. Let's leave that to those who aspires for a miserable life.

I can't wait for this moment. I can see ourselves planning our lives together, travelling and trying all sorts of things and eating. At our confines I can imagine your scent, your soft caress and the way your fingers pinch my fingers. I can't wait to lay my head to your shoulders, or kiss your forehead tenderly while you look sleepy. I can't wait to see you sleeping beside me and on those moments I realize how lucky I am to have you FINALLY.

Love,

Leo

Life is Sunny and Green

2013-08-19T05:16:00.001+08:00

Just one fine sunny Sunday, after my usual badminton game, I and my old time friend decided to have lunch in the nearest mall. She’s my classmate back in high school and we’ve known each other for a long time. Our friendship got rekindled when I joined their badminton club and I’m happy that things positively changed from the time we were like adolescent until now that she has her family and me just doing my thing. This is the first time for many years that we get to have lunch together, just to really catch-up on the things that have come our way.

If not for the break-up, I will not have bridged the friendship back, not only to her, but for my other friends as well. So much for the years that I’ve placed myself in the hiatus of my long time friends, those days should be long been gone. Though I see them on several occasions, it’s still different when you get to see them in person, constantly.

For whatever reasons, I find comfort and security when surrounded by true friends. Just like that one fine day, when all I thought world crumbled upon me, I find strength in the words of my good friend. I was going through something, in fact, I’m still is. I remember her words as I sashayed on my emotions through bits and pieces of my stories. No matter how complicated I think about my situation, her trivial and simple approach struck me. “Stop the feeling of emptiness, Leo.”

When all I thought I was incomplete and feeling incomplete, her words just made me realize, I’m still lucky above anyone else. Sometimes, I think how retarded I am contemplating of things that I’ve lost. When all the while I’ve found so many especially in times I was depressed. Funny how life tries to lure with things you want. Only to find out, there’s just so plenty, and all you have to do is unravel them in your deepest senses.

I’ve learned a lot from that simple lunch together. I could not ask for more. To find justice in my resources is simple enough to give insurmountable gratitude. Not that I’m complaining, for it is not right when others are in despair. In the comforts of my life, I should be thankful. And I am.

I think what makes me more human are the emotions that goes through each challenges I’m faced. I just don’t want to sit on the fact though that I’m higher than those obstacles. Still, I’m at the mercy of my strength and my willingness to change. In the higher scheme of things, reliance to self is of paramount character. As a human, it’s still gratifying to see people who keep on supporting you, who will vouch for you. That despite shortcomings, there are still people who believes.

Just few weeks after our meet up, my family experienced a major set-back. My sister was rushed to the hospital, got confined for more than a week in ICU, and we were relieved that it was not permanently damaging to her life.

It’s indeed something to be thankful for.

My plans of migrating will be put into the sides, yet I’m happy and thankful that some opportunities are coming my way in terms of my career and finances. I might have lost in some aspect, yet I gained a lot of network and it broadens my horizon for things to come. I’ve learned… that whatever set-backs we have, we will have hundreds of options. Sometimes, you just need awesome friends.

That one fine sunny Sunday, made me realize how sunny and green life is. And forever, I will be thankful.

Thought of Diaspora

2013-06-03T04:27:00.000+08:00

This entry is written to remind myself of how it was like for me being single again. It’s been more than three months since the break-up and as I assess myself, I got scared knowing that I’ve been just fine. I just don’t find it normal that there’s no such thing as mourning or countless moments of emoness. Don’t get me wrong, I got sad, but it wasn’t perpetual as expected. I know that I should be celebrating my maturity and the impeccable way I handled myself during and after the event, which in my point of view, is a typical expectation for someone who has been seasoned and lucky to have several relationships in life. I hope I can say it was easy but as I try to go back day by day, building this story, and recapitulating the emotions that went around it, I can’t help but realize how the impact of this, change me to view things and force me to understand better.

No one can really make a 100% effective manual to move on and overcome a painful break-up. It takes more than putting a step by step process and expect someone to run with it and have a happily ever after ending. There’s just no blanket approach. Though some people can relate, I believe the best medicine to this kind of pain is their own antidote that they themselves can create.

Work has been the best refuge so far. It is integral to me. It gave me the reason to subject myself to long hours at work, focus on what needs to be done, support the people that work for the company and for my department. Knowing the fact that I only depend on myself, I feel more the need to achieve. The salary mindset has been totally erased and for me, the paramount in my career is to be able to achieve my personal career goals. It elates me being able to touch a lot of people, inspire them to be achievers too. I realized and dawned on me my strength in helping people realize their potentials. I’m also happy to have found new mentors in my career. People who I think at some point might have lost confidence in me, but has always been patient in providing feedback and guidance.

So I asked myself. What else can I do to enrich my life? I recently joined a speech and leadership organization, Toastmasters International. In this club, a lot of professional spends a great deal of hours to hone their public speaking skills. But on top of that – no one can deny the fact that this group is a great source of friendship and network. It was really an enriching experience to have met some VPs from banks, managers from retail industry, entrepreneurs, college students/professors, IT professionals, auditors and a whole lot more. Last Saturday, we had this small workshop about personal goals and challenges. That workshop was indeed something I need to cap that day. I was already on my 20^th hour awake from a Friday night shift at work.

There are two things lurking my mind that moment of workshop. One is my goal of migrating to NZ. Seek better life outside the country, and number two, purchase my dream pick-up car. Obviously of the two, the easiest to achieve was the latter. I have a job that can sustain monthly amortization. I just can sell my existing ride to decrease the amount of down payment. But then again, I realized. Is this self-enriching? Is it really worth buying a new car? Will this bring long-term happiness in my life? Or will it just give me license to brag, feel good about myself and then what?

As I try to build a plot in my head, the resounding foundation of this all is really my desire to move on with my new life. That I’m already single, that I should be opening a new chapter in my existence. That I should be thinking about my future whether alone or with a partner if ever. I’m happy of the change, but the transition really just bores me to death. Partly it’s my fault of not doing anything, or maybe I’m not pushing myself hard.

I had several meet-ups and dates after the break-up, but then I realized, is it worth it? Or maybe I’m just not finding the right guy, or I’m not yet prepared for any guy for that matter. Is it my standards? Well I certainly don’t blame my ex, he’s really one tough guy to beat (see, I’m not a hater). Can I adjust to any guy? Then I thought of some pre-conditions. Which makes me conclude, it’s not happening, or my heart's turning to stone?

The month of June will be extra tough in terms of managing my itinerary. I’ve committed myself in adhering to my calendar of activities which points to my other goal. A sort of stuff will be sacrificed, but I feel that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I really owe this to myself. If it comes soon, I’d be stoked with the idea of a better life, not only for me, but for my family as well.

A close friend asked, “What will compel you to change your mind to migrate?” I answered, “Two things. That f*cking Strada I’ve been yearning for years. Number two… if that someone I’m eyeing for will ask me to stay.”

“Taena mo Leo. Ang landi mo rin eh.” And we burst out laughing.

I don’t know. I think there are solid plans in my mind. But it’s really all up to me at this point. The universe blessed me with endless options but at the end of the day, the decision should come from the heart.

Great days ahead I see. Great days...

So The Love Story Ends

2013-03-11T04:37:00.001+08:00

It’s about time that I tell the story behind the heartrending tweets. It’s almost four weeks, and today should have been another month added to six years. Few more, we could have turned seven. But all stories, even the good ones, must come to an end.

Nimmy and I broke up.

He threw the towel and all I can do is yield. No words can describe the feeling during that day, when all I thought, this can never happen. As I try to look back and reflect on my past actions, I’m torn between thinking I was never enough or we are never in unison in our last months as partners. I was like playing the wrong tune and was playing the music out in the orchestra. I’m left out, or I left him out. We’re doing it differently, when it shouldn't be.

The sad part I guess is that I kept closed ears, and blocked the senses of the heart. When all is falling apart, I was blinded in my optimistic view about relationship and our future. When perhaps he was crying in pain, I was there fighting my own battle in life. When perhaps I was alone and tired, he was there, he's turn to fight his own battle. That shouldn't be the case when for all the experiences I have, I should have seen it coming, and could have done something. I may have the instinct on things, but I decided to ignore and go with the flow. For I’m faced with the idea and vision of love and eternal. My vision was joy, but together, it was not.

Perhaps people reading this and have experienced broken-hearted, may relate to the pain I’m going through. It pains me too, that he’s going through the same. But I know he is that strong because he was able to call it out on me. It was not an easy task, however I know that he’s happy in his decision. I believe it was the best for us, and I support him all throughout.

And life has to move on…

I have a career to take care of, plans to carry out, and my family who’s been very supportive in all my endeavors. Despite the many failed relationships they have witnessed, they are still there to support. I guess it was just for me to re-learn the values of love in the family. It’s a learning process, and I know that life will eventually unfold to me on greater heights. This situation also made me realize who true friends are. To those, thanks for listening to me. The wisdom never failed me, that in times of trouble and grief, only few friends will be there to console. I’m thankful for those who understood us, and for those people who never left him. I still care for him, for I know I can survive alone.

I remember the things I learned in The Alchemist. That this relationship may have been a Personal Legend that I have achieved, one should not be discouraged to find another Personal Legend. The heart should move on, the same way that we want to discover ourselves.

As for Nimmy, I know he’s still young and I know he’ll go places. He’s smart, and he’s destined to be whatever he wants to be. I’m proud of him and I’m forever thankful for his kindness and love.

There are so many things going on in my mind, and I hope thoughts will settle soon in the form of plans and actions. I’m positive things will work out just fine. It better be.

As I try to find myself, I hope that the Universe trust me to love again soon.

Reborn

2012-10-29T10:24:00.000+08:00

I was thinking of something to write after the last blog entry I had last August. It’s been two months and I kind of left the blogging world for a period of time. When I think about it, I felt there’s nothing significant happening in my life. Irony is, I’ve been very busy with my career and personal life– typical alibi for someone who’s been procrastinating in a certain hobby that is blogging. Truth of the matter is, I’ve been wanting to do a video blog. But by just thinking on the relentless hours you pour towards this activity, I’d rather just take those hours to recuperate from the stressful world of the BPO.

I was in Boracay previous to this weekend, to celebrate my 32^nd. You know, for someone like me, you will seldom get to celebrate birthdays out of town. I was the conventional celebrant not until 2010 when I got to celebrate it outside the confines of our home. 2011 was an all throughout different story. But 2012 has been the far most exciting of all the birthdays. One, I was in the beach. Two, I was with Nimmy all day long.

It was also the time I get to reflect on my past goals in life and realign them to what’s pressing and pragmatic. You see, I’m a person who would really want to dream and achieve BIG. It’s a cycle I’ll never get tired of. There have been a lot of bumps along the way and I learned to move on and control frustrations. Signs of getting old I guess.

2012 was a change/leap of faith and so far I’ve been reaping the fruits this year. At the age of 32, I just feel that my journey has been a blast. I may not be as successful like the others in terms of their career and wealth however, I feel that my experience in life has really given me a deeper understanding of myself and it made me more content as to who I am, and what I am capable of. As the cliché goes, “Age is just a number.” And I agree, there’s nothing young or old in terms of knowing your niche. I say this in terms of knowing what you really want or your purpose in life. I personally think it’s in your pattern – your destiny. Your choice affects the journey but at the end of it all, it brings you to your fate.

I learned from my vacation who, what, where, when to PRIORITIZE. I reflected on things but I think that is too personal to share in this blog. One important thing though, is that I’m really HAPPY. Thanks to the relationship I currently have with Nimmy, and the career I honestly feel I deserve. Along the way, people come and go in my life, I hope in some ways I was able to bring value and inspiration to them. We get wiser when we meet and learn from people and I really hope I did my share.

Thanks to all the birthday greetings I got from Facebook, Twitter, BBM and text messages! It’s nice hearing from people I didn’t get to talk to all the time. I appreciate all the gestures. Yes, I’m 32, but I really do feel more auspicious chapters will unveil soon. I’m excited for the years ahead for the breakthroughs and milestones I’m claiming as early as now.

I end with the parting words that dawned on me on our flight from Kalibo to Manila -"Life is not good all the time, but that what makes the journey worthwhile."

Run Away to Baguio

2012-08-10T03:57:00.003+08:00

More than a week ago, I went up to Baguio with Nimmy and five others with just one goal in mind, escape the fast-paced milieu of the metro.

It took that long for me to write this because of two things - I felt my fellow bloggers captured our story very well that I ended up thinking, I might just be duplicating parts of their work, and number two, I've been guilty of procrastination doubled up by lack of time, stress in work and endless questioning of, "How will I start?"

You see, I've been longing to have this time to escape and just adore some scenery, not think about the stressful life in the office, spend more time with Nimmy and enjoy the company of my blogger friends. After going back to work five months ago, I think I'm smart to take advantage of this time to travel, get to slack off a bit, buy some time to reflect and feel the magnificent balance my mind and heart is yearning.

Before I get to enumerate all the benefits of traveling, allow me first to give thanks to the following people.

Nimmy - my Mahal. I'm happy he approved my traveling expense and I'm sure he'll agree it's all worth spending for. He met in advance some of the folks we were with in Baguio and I'm happy he goes along well with them too. Mahal and I shared bed and believe me, nothing beats cuddling in the City of Pines. I can never forget the time he slept just few minutes his face landed my chest. Yes, he is that tired after our first day trip. I always get to enjoy traveling because of him. He cares for me and never leaves my side. Lucky to have him as my boyfriend.

Bino - you know the saying, "Action speaks louder than voice?" Bino is the typical guy that you would want as a friend. He listens and observes intently. His action fits for a father. He doesn't talk that much but through action he has shown care for the group. He wakes up early to prepare breakfast, he had the whole trip planned by creating the itinerary and contacting some folks for our accommodation. In other words, he's like our "go-to" person. He's like a big brother to all of us. He's overflowing with leadership and I must say, I'm one of the lucky folks to have him as a friend. He's a keeper! He easily laughs at my jokes and punchlines. A great company all throughout.

Karlo - similar to Bino, he's somewhat taciturn yet when he speaks, he speaks with sharpness and wit. He's the assigned chef of the group exhibiting his mastery with red sauce spaghetti and hotdogs! He's easy to get a long with opposed to his embedded character as "suplado." Though I can say he has that propensity at times he is quiet, he had always shown immense interest and attention when I speak, which in turns makes me earnestly listen to him back when he tells some stories.

Desoleboy - my comedic buddy. I'm not sure, but with how we connect during our Baguio trip is beyond my comprehension. Our exchanges in punchlines seemed to be endless. DB like his blog is a deep person. He might have impressed upon people his darkness in writing, but I never get to see that when we laugh. I always get to see the positive side of this fellow maybe because he has been so transparent and honest to us. I appreciate the fact that he trusted us with his friendship, and with that I'm truly grateful for. It's a pleasure to hear stories of his work, his adventures and all others. He's a genius in disguise and for a person to be like him, one can be so arrogant, but never did I feel that with him. He listens and shares, perfect formula for a friendship to last a lifetime.

Theo - the baby of the group. I can sense a neophyte blood running through him when I saw him the first time in Baguio. He's like a fragile piece in our mainstream. He's a fresh graduate, learning the ropes of career building and very idealistic in a good way. As such, I feel that it could have been our barrier during the trip, he rarely opens up to the group, yet he is receptive to our discussions. Funny that albeit our jam-packed itinerary he managed to still publish a blog that day. Feels like he has a world of his own, yet being the more matured ones we reached out to ensure he's enjoying and he gets what he need. The trip is proven to be short for us to get to know him more. But his presence really completed our entire stay, and made it colorful.

Mar - I only found lately that I've been following his blog for a long time now. During the planning stage, I get to see his Twitter name mentioned along side my name and being that stranger, I was worried that I'll be spending Baguio with someone I never get to interact with. So I followed him, he followed me back, but it was crazy that we still never had that interaction. Looking at his timeline, I can only see Instagram tweets so I can never really create a full assumption of his personality. Nonetheless, it was never a deterrent to mingle and meet new folks. I'm surprised that after meeting him, I find that we share the same humor. We clicked and it was really fun being with him. Mar was actually our assigned negotiator for cab drivers. He might not have noticed but I was observing him while he talks to the driver. He has this charisma that rarely finds rejection. He had this technique that I learned that I can find useful in the future. Mar is also generous and I find that his generosity stems from his character and the pureness of his heart.

As a group, it has been a very pleasant experience. My stay in Baguio was already complete with Nimmy all along, but the company and the different personalities of the group made it a notch higher.

You see, blogging's purpose should never be limited to just opening your thoughts and emotions through words. It's a great medium to be heard by many. But one should never be afraid to step a little further and interact personally with people. While for some are still in the hideouts and complete anonymity, I find joy in just being myself and attract positive people to join the wagon of delightful existence. The group may have different individual point of views, religions and ages, our common denominator is to really just enjoy and avoid the misery from the workplace, finding a sense of balance and ignite the friendship.

We can never be successful in escaping the office hullabaloos, but we bring back a sense of thought that life is not all about the stress your work can bring. But you got friends and company to enjoy at your own pace.

So to Bino, Karlo, DB, Theo and Mar, may our friendship stay forever and grow more with people of the same mindset. It was an honor and privilege spending the days with you all in Baguio. See you soon!

Funny lines during our trip.

Me: Uy Mar, ikaw ba nag-grate nitong cheese?

Karlo: Uu, ngipin niya yung ginamit niya.

Me: Ah kaya pala may kick!

(It all began with this conversation and we used "kick" in every aspect of our conversation. Crazy.)

***

Me: You know guys, ang sarap ng fruits na ito... Alam mo yun... Yung may burst of flavors.

***

DB: Gusto ko umakyat sa taas. (Him trying to get inside a Benguet native hut, he made several attempts but was unsuccessful)

Me: So what's the struggle DB? (and DB burst some laughing)

***

Me: Oh guys picture, yung parang naglalakad paakyat ng stairs. (Mar dropping something and while picking up his stuff, I took the picture along side Bino, Karlo and DB)

Me: Ay Mar Verdan, mukha kang nagsstruggle sa picture. Are you ok?

***

Me: Jump shot! (And we almost had jump shots in every location except Pink Sisters)

***

DB: Gawa tayo ng video ng kanta ng One Direction!

All: No reaction. (Cricket sounds)

***

Karlo: Nasaan si Theo?

Me: Ayun nag-bablog sa puno.

***

3 High-Level Updates

2012-07-21T08:59:00.001+08:00

The other day, I was browsing through some of the books I haven’t finished reading and one of it was “The God Delusion” written by Richard Dawkins. He’s an atheist writer I’ve learned to know during the time I was looking for some answers in life. He started the book with a story of his wife hating school during her younger years which when she disclosed the fact to her parents they asked, “Why didn’t you tell us darling?”

“I didn’t know I could.”

When I tried to reflect on my choices last year and early part of this year, the thought really stuck in my head that I’m responsible to my own destiny. My choices are mine, and mine alone. I always have the option to everything that can affect me. I did this by sharpening my intuition and putting my heart to all that I think is substantial for my growth, not physically, but growth in character and wisdom. Until this very day, things have been consistently going in my favor. While at this time I didn’t ask nor summon for a favorable situation – one by one, destiny has become easy to comprehend. It’s you and you right now. It’s the present things you do. It’s not the future.

You see, not knowing your options really can stir you to a different path. Same thing though if you knew things, it can propel you to different sorts. We know knowledge is power. It’s a source to determine and weigh things. It can bring you to life’s decision or choose not to decide – which in effect the same because it’s still a decision.

My faith now was really not an accident. It’s not just a day in my life that I decide – “Hey, I’m an atheist, I don’t believe in god.” As far as my maturity goes, I learned that your choices are both driven by your analytics and your emotions. It’s not a rocket science or a matter of metaphysics that requires you understand the movement of energy pockets by one thing to the other. It’s how you think and react to things thrown at you. I agree, I’ve been in a struggling and challenging life last year. While it could have been the fuel for my “unfaithfulness” in religion, I was really in a profound quest for my truth. Options have been springing out from every corner in my life, and as I try to sail my life, it has been a tremendous joy knowing what I really want, and knowing what I need to hold onto. No one can pay you a money’s worth, to label your own personal effectiveness. It’s yours alone.

***

I’m on my fourth month in employment. Geese, it’s been a whole new learning experience for me. While people may think I’ve been a veteran in this industry, well for sure I think I’m not. Most of the folks I interact with have thought I’ve been in the company for so long but then again, come to think of it, I’ve been holding a position which exposes me to a lot of information. Information is knowledge I have up for my sleeves. It’s like a thing you can substitute for tenure. Who says you can’t be who you want to be? Read more and find that mastery in you. You’ll go a long way for sure.

My word of advice to people who are busy building their careers, “bullshit baffles the brain.” Learn stuff that can help you become better servants. Bring value to every hour you are paid. You attract your salary. It shouldn’t be the other way around.

***

Nimmy and I have been a constant weekend date partners. It has been for months now. I’m not complaining. The current set-up of living in parent’s house, (well technically, he’s not since he’s renting a house with siblings) has been working for us just fine.

This makes me revisit my thoughts about long-distance relationships. Will that thing work? I guess so. Looking at it from a different perspective, I see that Nimmy and I had this year-long investment in time, togetherness, understanding and commitment. While for some intimacy has been a major factor, I think it’s more than that, it’s a shared goal. Being managers in our jobs, we have learned that sticking to a goal while changing tactics and strategies along the way can be helpful.

The key word is GOAL.

Our main goal is really to have a blissful retirement. We’re on our tender years as professional and since we are earning good, it’s practical that we share the decision to invest and earn so that we can have comfortable lives when we get old. While the government can’t give security to our union (I don’t want to dwell on this further but I will in the future), our sense of security for each other has never been tarnished. Again, it’s commitment. It’s the conscious effort you put together as partners to build a relationship to last.

En Route to Better Days

2012-05-13T09:57:00.002+08:00

Slashed my two cards. Inspired from a good friend's blog entry.

I come from a poor family. Tracing my roots, I never heard any stories of my mama or papa being part of a well-off circle. True to the adage, “tell me who your friends are…” their friends as of the same income bracket. All that I know is that my papa used to be an OFW in Kingdom of Saudi Arabia for a decade. Through his earnings and my mom’s ability to manage their finances, my parents were able to invest on a farmland – now our mango farm, buy a house and a lot – now contested by the Araneta’s Carmel Development Incorporated (story found here) and was able to finance my college. I say we’re poor, because we always struggle until all meets end. Despite my parents investments on our farm and their sidelines at home, fact still remains, we don’t have consistent flowing income. I don’t want to dig in anymore to my sad stories like commuting to PUP Sta. Mesa just with 50 bucks daily allowance, or surviving 4 years of college just with one pair of jeans, 5 t-shirts and a sandal. Times were really tough during those days. Though it is still tough, my story now is of different leverage.

Education really prepared me. Beyond the textbooks and my professor’s lecture, I learned through meeting people. I learned the introduction to corporate calisthenics during my OJT in the Senate and DFA. I learned by listening to old people. I kept in mind their wisdom.

As I started earning money, things changed for me and my family. I became an instant bread-winner. I sent my sister to college; my wallet has suddenly been a source of fund for us. Don’t get me wrong. I am not complaining. I love helping out my family. It was just fair for me to provide, after my parents have helped me become who I want to be and for supporting me for any endeavors I’d like to pursue. For me, it’s automatic. They never have to ask. I will give.

To tell you the truth, I had perpetual finances issue in my life. Only until recently.

When my income started to increase after being a risk-taker (and successful with that) in my BPO career, that’s when it all started. I started having credit cards and purchased some loans just to sustain whatever it is I never carefully planned of, say, luxuries. Funny thing, I can never quantify which goes where, or simply which goes as to be useful until now. I was never a wise-spender, obviously.

It dawned on me few years back that debts can really wreck havoc my future. I started to read and study. I started to get curious. However, I never did change my way of life. I know stuff, but I never do anything. But when life started to tap me (metaphorically, of course), I started to plan out my life. My bad state of affairs during being unemployed really propelled me to start writing down my action plans.

One person that really helped me in this ordeal is Nimmy.

Nimmy being the smartest I know in terms of handling finances, have been my source of inspiration. I share what I learn from the books (credits to sir Robert Kiyosaki author of Rich Dad Poor Dad), and he shares what he learns from his current job. It was a couple’s synergy. Nimmy works in the biggest and brightest banks of the land and strategically, he also works in asset management, the field where I can get the most of intel. More than the knowledge Nimmy can provide, is the fact that his family has well kept values in the financial acumen. The value of saving has been tremendously passed over to him, which is the same value we share now in our relationship.

Now that my finances are back to normal, (thanks to being employed, and being more financial mature), I let Nimmy do the finance tactics for a better increase in yield. We were not wrong with the plan. I have him manage all my earnings, and for me to say the least - just keep being frugal. Bottom line, as couples, we need to be transparent all the time. I can say we’re successful.

I’m happy to write that as of May 9, two of my three major credit cards have been cut off. If not for Nimmy, and his foresight, this could not have been realized. We plan to carry out this plan for the next 6 months and expect results. However we surprised ourselves in just 2 months! The other credit card that I have is just to take care of my car's gasoline.

Well, I’d like to put on a record that the lesson here is not to have a smart boyfriend. It could have been easier. It’s a plus, but not a requirement. Financial intelligence is just one aspect. I guess what’s paramount is the fact that I decided, I planned, and I act. In so doing, it did help me more having a partner who talks the same language.

Knowing I’m in a financial distress is one thing, doing something about it is another. Having someone to help out is just perfect.

Ok, ok. I know I can’t be a savings expert. But in my experience, I really learned that money after all is not the problem. What do you think? Well your guess is as good as mine.

So I come from a poor family. But that doesn’t hinder me from not aspiring for better and comfortable life. All it takes is the drive to learn and take action, and the propensity to control one self. I probably read this somewhere, “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity…” I can relate totally.

Always take the time to prepare. Don’t be afraid to learn. Take risk. Like so many people, they failed. I do too and I will still fail some more. But I learned from them. I may have failed and left me impecunious, but in the end, I become smarter. It fueled my desire to achieve, not only for myself, but also for my family, for Nimmy.

"I can do anything, I believe I can do..." -Stin Hansen, Motivational Self-Talk

Broken White Shoes

2012-04-23T03:23:00.002+08:00

One day I was commuting to the office wearing my white shoes. I need to catch my training class at a very early schedule, 5:30am to be exact. I was on a rush and by some foreboding stroke of the universe, my shoes’ sole flapped and exposed my black sports socks. My instinct was to buy glue and I did. There’s no conspicuous hardware store in Eastwood, and my recourse was to bet my bills on a drug store, Mercury. I won against preconceived notion that Mercury only sells drugs (the legitimate ones of course), and off I go with a bottle of water and Bulldog epoxy. When I thought having glue was a quick fix, I was completely wrong. So as the story goes, after buying glue, I went straight to a comfort room in Cyber Mall, applied carelessly the glue on my shoe’s sole and off I go. No one told me that I need to wait for a few minutes to make the glue bond and fix it. So I walked towards the office, feeling my shoes to be unusually loose still, only to find out – that half of my foot is half-exposed to people in the office lounge. First few hours in training, I was still fixing my shoes, but all the time smiling at my Mentos experience. Was I embarrassed? Oh hell yes. But I felt that there’s something more in that experience. I felt I become a different person.

I had a share of those embarrassing moments in the public place. To name a few are getting bumped by a stranger or an electrical post while walking, tripped on a pothole, parking booboos and so many others that keeping a record requires a thick log book.

You see, back then, when I was few years younger, I don’t get to let go of those experiences easily. I felt I was not normal. I felt weak. Same goes back to the time when I was still in school and when I was embarking on my early years as a young professional. I tend not to forgive myself on small mistakes. Blame it on my achiever attitude. I have a goal. I have plans. Gearing against it was not really an option. Situations that are not in my favor kill me. Those situations that irk me are things I thought that stands in my way. In other words, I tend to get easily frustrated in myself. I’m a perfectionist, but my life is not a complete resemblance of what I aspire. But then again, I learned to let go. I’m not sure if it comes with age, but I’m sure it comes from experience.

While working on that same day, with semi-bare naked feet, I realized that life is going to throw you different things, sometimes all at once. True that your character is being tested by the way you react to them. Was it my fault to experience those? Absolutely not. But I am to be blamed by how I react and shudder. So I chose to react on that shoe-experience that it’s something not to be worried about and ruin the rest of my day. I thought of it as an opportunity to buy new shoes. Smiling, I thought I’m lucky to understand that I can buy a pair the same day. I just have to wait for the mall to open.

I may not be the right person to give advice in dealing with depression. I can’t pass as a life-coach. But let me tell you something. You know I experienced being depressed for not being able to know what exactly I want in life. For months, I was unemployed. It was an episode in my life where I was torn discovering a new path in my career. I wanted to be on a different industry. But then again, being unemployed was half a choice, and the rest are taken to be a time I wanted to do something else. Along the lines, I had terrible mistakes. Mistakes for taking for granted the time. Decisions, or the lack thereof is pricy, not all people realize that. I got depressed, and it was something I thought was a reaction for a life that took control of me, instead of me controlling it.

I am now on my second step of fulfilling my Personal Legend.

This is the time where I am learning myself more. This is the time where I’m pretty sure as to where I’m going. There’s no holding back, and my intuition is saying I’m on the right track. Everything is falling into place and it’s all coming my way. There are still some roadblocks, but I feel it’s just placed there to give my plans a test. It’s there to make my life less boring and monotonous. I’m speaking not in an arrogant way, but it’s just that my heart is at peace to my own actions. Gone are the days of ambivalence and high-rise anxiety about life. It started when I learned to know what makes me happy and go after it no matter what.

So to whoever is reading this now, I know you have your own challenges. You have your own chasing of your personal legend. We know it’s not going to be easy. We know there will be challenges in life. We go through the same phases with work, family and love. Age is not a requirement. Finances are of no bearing. Relationships and network are baseless. It’s you, and only you who can fulfill your dreams. Chase it. Clamor.

Because the moment you don’t, broken shoes will keep you from walking.

P.S. Our Nikki is back and is in full condition. I get to drive him again.

Life After The Alchemist

2012-03-02T09:01:00.000+08:00

Few days after raving in my recent post the book, The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho, I've been getting positive vibes in my life one of which is realizing and confirming that it is with human facility, that innate power that we can control and summon the universe to our own agenda. The intensity it took reading page after page, have reverberated all throughout the days, which until now, I can't believe that it's all happening. I didn't get the same intensity after reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne several years ago or any other books I came across, ever.

Within thirteen months, I've accustomed myself to the routine/confines of reflecting, realizing stuff, spiritual adventure, faith overturn, networking, rekindling old ties, reading, studying, business, sports and leisure and other things I can't even remember or is not even worth remembering.

I got the first hand experience of the numerous adages about life's intricacies and how you can turn yourself into a hero of your own life.

I am PROUD of the fact that in just a few days, I am embarking on my FIRST step fulfilling a Personal Legend. I am set on a mission for a stunning comeback in the industry I learned to love and hate at the same time. It's the perfect timing to correct the mistakes, and get even to the life that has deprived me in order to learn, in order to realize how the universe eagerly wants me to take that STEP, not half-hearted, but full of enthusiasm and bullish mindset. I was bullied by fate, and all it takes for a sweeping victory is to just fight back by capitalizing on your "cards." It was not that easy.

As I was signing the employment contract few days ago, I can't help but think of the people that never let go of the spark they said I still have in me. The people who have the sternest belief and trust that I can go on and be successful still, albeit the doubt stamped all over my body. They too have slapped me to wake up. My gratitude STAYS with them.

I've realized that whatever life has thrown you - meager roads, endless crossroads, tribulations or just plainly challenges, whatever your HEART desires, whatever it is that you want ultimately, it will still be victorious in the end. Along the way, you will have different dreams, different goals. But at the end of it all, one dream will stand out. Time is indeed a friend. It gives you the ability to realize and weigh things out. Mine took thirteen months while for others it just doesn't happen. I still view myself, LUCKY.

It was a feeling of joy that I can't even explain through words, when it has dawned on me what I really want to achieve in life. One by one my set of OMEN appeared. And just like what P.Coelho described on one of the chapters- that once you get to hear your heart communicate with the soul of the earth, "beginner's luck" seems inevitable. Everything just falls into place.

Employment came to a breeze, people I need to have contacts to embassy, real estates, stock management and even migration, started to come my way. I'm not even really sure what it is going on, but even Nimmy got the chance to listen to one of Suze Orman's seminar. We all know her for her financial management acumen and her show in CNN. I need the learnings, and it is all coming into my doorsteps.

Sometimes I really think how stupid I was during the months I was on a limbo. It stinks. But now I realized why that thing happened. It made me STRONG and just ready to fight head on.

Then we know, The Alchemist came.

I read, deciphered and learned concepts. I learned about myself MORE than ever.

I learned about what I was really dreaming about. I learned my purpose.

That stupid book, it has really CHANGED me and my life's course.

I Changed.

2012-02-13T16:41:00.002+08:00

Omens are individual language in which God talks to you. My omens are not your omens. They are this strange, but very individual language that guides you toward your own destiny. They are not logical. They talk to your heart directly. The only way you can learn any language is by making mistakes. I made my mistakes, but then I started to connect with the signs that guide me. The silent voice of God that leads me to the places where I should be. – Paulo Coelho, author The Alchemist (an interview by Laura Sheahen, for Beliefnet)

When 2011 spring boarded, I never had any inkling as to what the future entails me. Few days before the New Year, I was jobless. Like for most part of my life, I gave everything to fate. I deeply surmise that whatever I’ve gone through my career is an experience itself. They are life lessons I can bring to any path I wish to take. I know through faith in Him, I can surpass any obstacles. I can be whatever I want to be. I started to fuel my faith by engaging myself to religious creeds and acts. 2011 then is a year to rekindle my faith. It is a time to get serious with God, know Jesus and his miracles, and learn how to be a faithful servant. When I felt I need to do something more, I attended to St. Jude Thaddeus Novena every Thursday, prayed the rosary everyday with lighted candles, visited several churches in the metro and read the bible. I listened fervently to Bible readings and priest’s sermons. I read a lot of religious books and if I felt it was not enough, I meditated in the hopes I can hear God, and be able to listen to what He has to say to me.

In other words, my spiritual consciousness got triggered. It was a year of self-reflection. I asked myself a lot of questions. I started to listen to myself. I looked for answers in my everyday existence. I observed a lot of people. I rekindled my relationship to friends, opened up to them. I sought answers by listening to our priest, by eavesdropping to my parent’s church conversations, by listening to music, by reading gargantuan number of stuff, by watching movies and TVs, by staying at home, and observing our family. Once, I tried reaching out to someone of a born again faith. I ventilated my present tribulations, prayed until tears fell from my eyes. I believed that if I keep my faith, and that I keep on having a healthy relationship with God, everything will just be a breeze. It is on this year, I learned that if I have God as a center of my life, my happiness is infinite. I tried all avenues – including self-taught meditations and learned that spirituality is not only embracing it through your own. Spirituality breeds in relationship with people. I learned meditation techniques including those of igniting chakras. It was still not enough and all happened in one year.

2012 ushered in and just with a snap, I halted my religious senses. I had STRONG patience, so I thought. Quickly the reality set in. The irony though, is how slow it has taken me to realize that I’m going nowhere. I suddenly felt the feeling of having a blindfold across a wall. I started to walk, I tried to climb, to run and what I get are contusions from trying to go through the partition. Believe me, it was just hard.

I started to study concepts.I need to shy away from what's depressing. I don’t care how weird it is, but whatever catches my attention and curiosity, I readily set myself into. I started to like something not ordinary. I wanted something new. I wanted something unique. I can’t have a continuous routine. I will just die liking the same things over and over again. I needed a hero to grab my neck and raise me from suffocation.

It’s when the time I started to learn and appreciate Celtic music. I took the time to read and study stock markets. I did whatever is not ordinary to some. It’s also the time I started to question things and despise every mystery of the world. I started to feel the need to find answers to those questions I demand to know. I studied astronomy through documentaries. I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME.

The more I seek God, the more I find myself alone and sad. I started to question the fundamentals of religion. What has it brought into my life? I want to find the truth and through reading history and learning from several people, I deduce things that lead me to strong belief against my religion. Just like the twin towers of WTC, my faith in religion came crashing down. I will never see any organized religion the same way again.

I’m still in the process of fully accepting agnosticism in my life. Since first Sunday of 2012, I never attended any mass. I don't like being associated with any religion. I can say I’m not searching anymore. I felt inner peace. Surprisingly, my view about my life changed tremendously. Guilt was erased, and I feel free from the clutches of what people have to say. It’s liberating. My belief now stems from the fact that the Universe has its own course and that we are affected by it. I’m not sure what to label it, but for me, it was just fundamentally right to begin with that thought, with that concept.

Do I still believe in God? I really don’t know. I maybe a freethinker, but a-not-so intelligent type for that matter. I'm in the process of profound reading.

Just as I was contemplating the Universe, I recently closed a Paolo Coelho book entitled The Alchemist. It was the first time in my entire life to read a book with so much intensity. I felt it was relevant to what I’m going through. It’s a shame to have read it just now. Nonetheless, I felt overwhelmed at the same time joyous that in my course of finding for a plausible answer in my life’s intricacies, I found one.

Paolo Coehlo is my omen.