Well, you may know how much I hated that phrase going through my divorce. I also learned that ‘nice guy’isms are almost emasculating in that the repeated ‘nice guy’ seems to chip away at the BraveHeart inside everyman. So, I kept hearing, “He’s such a nice/good guy!” this last weekend, and I had to keep it in check with letting it become a negative in my head.

I broke down and got RockBand for the wife’s birthday. (Yes, Hoosier, it is worth the $$.) Screw Guitar Hero, I was THE hero that that move. Wife loves it! Kids are showing great aptitude for rock and tattoos. Seriously, CuriousGeorge is a natural drummer and 90%’s on her vocals!!  So, I got a ‘You’re such a good guy’ hug from a very happy wife.

Wife’s friends came over last Friday. I was making drinks, providing food, and letting them have loud fun downstairs while trying to help the kids upstairs think sleepy thoughts as the loud rock music and ecstatic screaming continued into the night. I got several ‘good guy’s’ from the friends as the night came to a close.

The next night, I went down early to the piano bar, tipped a little extra and got someone else’s reserved tables right next to the stage. An earlier trip to the party store netted some beads, 40 Yr Old necklaces, signs and other birthday celebration crap for the tables. When she arrived with her friends, the waitress was on her like white on rice. We all had a great time singing loud all night. Wife was asked up onto the stage twice to be sung to (and humiliated) by the very funny piano-men. I got a ‘nice guy’ a few times from wife’s friends, and even a couple from a group of drunk bachelorette b party girls next to us.

To say the least, it wife had a great pre-birthday weekend. I wasn’t kissing asses and wasn’t being taken advantage of, wasn’t feeling emascualted, didn’t feel like it was anything unusual. We all had a great time and were worn plum out by the time the weekend was over. I still thinnk that too much Nice Guy can be unhealthy if it’s at the cost of a guys sense of self and masculinity. But this time, it felt good again and I, well, was compensated nicely at the end of the weekend. 

FindingHeart
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Traveling so much this summer. Just got back from week-long training in DC. What a fantastic experience! However, I haven’t seen the kids or wife in over a week now. I do miss them very much.

This last trip saw the best and worst of air travel. During the 2.5 hr flight to DC, we were in the plane for 6 hours and even had to refuel before getting to destination. The flight back saw me bumped up to First Class for both legs home and spent time in the President’s Club while I waited in the airport. I was like a bull in a candy store. (or kid in a china shop. whatever)

Weird feelings. Tomorrow would have been my 17th wedding anniv. I thought about it a while back, but was reminded this morning that it’s tomorrow. Long ago, it was a very happy day. It was a special day for many years. Right now, it should still be a happy day, but as I dwell on my feelings, (yes, dudes have feelings), it’s a reminder that I am a part of a failed marriage. Sure, it got resolved and in many ways is totally healed. But still..  I guess that goes away with time.

Wife has her 40th birthday in two weeks. We’re having a number of girls coming into town so wife can spend the evening at the piano bar downtown. Singing loud, have’n fun. I picked her up a couple of things from DC but still have to consider getting her RockBand. We’ve blown throw money again this summer and I just don’t know. I could easily spend a couple hundred at the piano bar for her birthday, and add to that a wii game?

Back to considering closing this blog. It had a great run and is sitting at 25K hits. But I just can’t keep up the multi-blogging and need to blog professionally. I like having my record of “FH’s Year in the Crapper” to reflect upon, but I can’t take the chance that it sees eyes close to home. Nobody (professionally) knows the whole story.

The house is quiet, as all but me are visiting family elsewhere. I guess I’ll take the time to get Monday’s workshop written and start my new professional blog. Just like the big-butted people who weren’t allowed to cross the Mississippi during the 1800’s, There’s No West for the Reary. 

Peace y’all, and God bless.

FindingHeart
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

My last update was in June. Crap!! I train in blogging and haven’t written anything here in over a month.  Grrr. I’ve been training, on the road for vacation, at conferences, and …am on the road again today.  I’ll be taking in the east coast weather this week as I meet with teachers from across the country. It’s great fun, a nice break for the normal, a chance to travel, but I’m thinking I’d like a few days of peace and non-movement.

For now, Mancub and CuriousGeorge are doing great. He’s growing fast, loving GuitarHero and wanting it for his DS. She is 5 and has dance moves that will keep her from dating now until she’s 19.  (Is it instinct that a 5yr old throws in the pelvic thrust when she dances to CampRock music?? YeeeOuch!!)  Momma is doing well and is improving more every week. She’s having a ‘relaxing’ summer break but is reliving what it’s like to be at home with kids all day.  I think she’s ready to go back to her classroom already.  Ha!

Much more I could write about, but I have to finish downloading conference updates and catch a flight. Pray for my fam as we all move about the country this week.  Have a glorious summer!

FindingHeart
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Well, my last post was from BFE Kansas. I had a pretty good time there and was amazed that I had a good wireless connection the whole time there. We did the graveyard tour with mom and located ancestors back to the early 1850’s in three different graveyards.  I wished I was able to capture the serene beauty of the graveyards on top of a hill in the middle of a vast ocean of wheat fields.  “Amber waves of grain” were actually green at this time of year, but the waves of grain in the wind, the silence of the vast countryside, and the majestic  placement of headstones of people long dead. I was in awe most of the day.

However, Mancub hopes to never see another graveyard!  LOL!  He will someday, because I was able to lock the position of each site on the gps and will have coordinates and satellite imagery of each before the summer is over.  *evil grin*

Spent 4 days in Colorado Springs at the foot of the Rocky Mountains. What an amazing site each morning. This flatlander (well, more likely a hill-lander), tried taking gigs of photos of the mountains. We did get to take the kids up to the top of Pike’s Peak (14,000 ft elevation), walk in snow, and get dizzy from the lack of oxygen. Truly a fun experience for all!

Yet, in all the modern advancement of Colorado Springs, I couldn’t get the free wireless to consistently check and send email.  Bloody technology!!

Drove 8 hours today, stopping briefly in Roswell New Mexico to see the alien museum, and am staying in Carlsbad New Mexico. How this town stays alive, I’ll never understand. The caverns tourist traps were desolate, almost ghost towns. The infrastructure of the town was falling apart. Yet, I have strong consistent free wireless.  Seems that the worst case places for high-techniness are my most consistent access points. *sigh* Oh well.

Well, I’ve put over 1700 miles on the new car (did I mention that I sold the truck for something a little more fuel efficient?), avoided the traffic tragedies so far, and dropped my fair share of $$ on expensive gas. I was able to avoid all but one bottom-of-the-hill-blindspot highway patrol in Colorado. (Damn! Julie, got any friends in Colorado Highway Court? Ha!)  Getting up early tomorrow (4:30am) to make 16 hour drive back home. So not going to be fun.

I’d better git.  I’ll have to remember to tell all about crossing the line with re-wife. (Joked about going out one evening with Friend from California when she comes to town next week. Um, I’m a guy and I do stupid things.) Peace, y’all.

As promised, I almost stepped off the face of the blogosphere. I haven’t posted in weeks, not because my life hasn’t been evolving, but because things have been moving so fast. Mrs Findingheart and myself have been doing well as we re-grow the tender ligaments of marriage that we once had a surplus of. There were a couple of potholes, but I am learning that potholes should be just that, a small obstacle that can’t always be avoided, but expected. An obstacle that you have to expect and learn to deal with. It shouldn’t stop forward progress. Anyway, we are moving forward and enjoying the ride.

My job is keeping me incredibly busy and I’m finding more success in what I’m offering to the position. FH is getting some props from a number of directions. One such prop comes from my dealings with blogging and wikis. It’s an incredible avenue for advancing the technological infusion of today’s classrooms.

It struck me so hard today, being on vacation in the middle of nowhere. I thought of TED (http://survivingthetorment.blogspot.com/), who lives in Australia. She wrote once about checking her email while staying at a house that had a generator outside that provided power for her laptop.

I’m on vacation now staying in a town 3 states away. (Okay, one really needs to count Texas a 4 states making the realistic total 7 states away. ;)  We’re staying in a small farming town of less than 2000 people, one motel that has to be older than 1955, many miles from a Seattle’s Best, and in a room with no 3 pronged electrical outlets. My MacBook is so out of place. But the striking thing to me?  I opened the laptop, it sat for maybe a minute, and was automatically connected wirelessly to a broadband connection to the internet. Lucy and Ethel meets Steve Jobs and the 21st cent.  Wow.

I’ve got to go and meet some octogenarian relatives that I’ve never seen before. I wonder if they have a blog.  Hmmm.

Peace y’all and God bless.

FH

Been too dang busy to post. Hope everyone is well. I’ll just post this touching video and get back to work. Peace all!

By Tim Hawkins

Wow. If I sit still and think about it, I get the shivers. I am married again, the the same woman, forever.  The shivers exists because of where I came from 2 years ago when this whole thing started. It is hard for me to truly believe the distance I’ve traveled and find myself with the same wife. But this time is different.

No longer X or xX, I will call her ReWife. It’s not romantic, but descriptive. I was thinking about how my blog will be different not that I’m married again. I mean, haven’t I found my heart now? Well, the original intent behind finding ‘my heart’ was not a search for a woman. The search was for my true self, my independent self, the man who I wanted to be and the father I could be. I made great strides and in the process, got back together with ReWife. I do love her and want to live out my days with her by my side. But she is not my heart. My heart is not based on someone else. The stronger my heart is, the better I know it, the closer I am to achieving my original goals.

I see where my heart is and sometimes believe I let it slip back to places that hurt me. So my blog continues as a reminder for myself. I am broken, but healing. I am a whole man, but very capable of improvement. I love deeply and find myself still hiding parts of my heart. I am normal.

So I am not running the streets naked with the enthusiasm of a 21 yr old guy who married his first love. I am standing with my shoulders back, happy to have ReWife back at my side, ready to carry the weight of marriage and self-improvement, and wanting to be the best damn man/father/husband I can be.

ReWife, I love you and have loved you for a rather long time. I want the best for us together and I do want you to be happy in this life.

Blogosphere, I give you Mr and Mrs FindingHeart.

This weekend, FH will be saying his vowels, all 6, and will once again be married to a beautiful woman. She picked up my ring yesterday and, I have to say, it’s much better than the first.  Some of each of our families will be coming into town. Most of mine will be packed into our house for the weekend. Should be very interesting.

We decided a while back that this was not going to be an elaborate affair. Small ceremony in our back yard, (big oak trees and limestone walls make a pretty backdrop). I’ll grill up some meat for a small-ish meal afterwards. Mostly though, it’s a time for us to re-promise.

That has been my anxiety for a while now. I didn’t break my promise. I eventually tried to move on and had a building relationship with another good friend. But, xX is still the only woman I’ve been with in 20 years. I kept my promise, but admit I’ve also learned how to be a better husband.

It’s her big ‘do over’ and what I perceive to be the occasional lack of enthusiasm from her about making the marriage new again. I think that deep down, she believes that we are still married and that this is a formality. We’re getting married this weekend and last night was the first night she really spoke about plans for the weekend. She got my ring yesterday. She’s had her since I gave it to her atop the Empire State Building last November.  She says all the right words, but something peeks my anxiety about is this for real, still.  But, I’m all in.

Saturday evening, I’ll promise again and I’ll listen intently to her promise as well. I’m looking forward to the next 20 years and am going to work hard  to not just keep my promise, but help build a fantastic marriage again.

“I do.”

FindingHeart
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

The retreat was not what I expected, yet it went well. Being new to this group of men, but having attended this church for over a year, I found it uncomfortable being around a bunch of men whom I assumed already knew each other. That was groundless. Most guys didn’t know more than 1 or 2 other people there. Most conversation was light and introductory. Eventually, we grilled the meat we brought, ate, and soon gathered around the large fire pit at this man’s extensive retreat cabin in the Hill Country.

The discussions were centered around the theme, ‘Tell your story’. Men gave witness to how God has affected their lives, how they came to find God, or how this church made a difference in their lives. Some stories were from men who came from dark places, abusive places, or had to work hard to understand God’s presence. A few men were younger and they share that they felt awkward sharing their story when they came from a life-long loving and religious family, are still connected to a strong father, and are enjoying a strong and positive life right now. Towards the end of the evening of sharing, I shared most of my path, including my divorce. I received congratulations after announcing that my marriage is coming back together. After we ended the evening and sweaty men went into the cabin to fart and snore in their sleep, I stayed out by the fire to reflect and enjoy the company of a few other guys.

A so common theme in our stories was the role the father played or plays. There were 30+ men and at one point, the leader asked a couple of group questions. Just under half said that their father was their spiritual guide when growing up. Almost half of that group said their father was an active, positive part of their growing up. It’s a traditional role that the man plays. He goes out for many hours to hunt, kill, and provide for the family. One day, the son becomes a man and apprentice to his dad. The son learns to go out for long periods to hunt, kill, and provide. Unfortunately, I think that the part about coming back to be the spiritual leader and present male figure gets missed. The men that get that part, often get it because they do less of the hunt/kill and more of the provide/support for family. Eventually, that broadens until you have Ned vs Braveheart.

I learned a few things from the weekend retreat. I learned about myself. I learned more about the men in my church. I met a few on Sunday and they were still the normal, open to friendship guys I met a few days before. But I was also able to reflect on what I want for me and where am I going?

I have been having the deep, anxiety-centered feeling that questions my path. I know what I want and the re-building of trust has been key to me pursuing marriage with full vigor and passion. I found that I am bothered somewhat by xX’s appearance of ‘marriage as usual’, but that is because of how she sees the happy home. I have to communicate all of my marriage thoughts in order to build on rebuilding.

I am king of the castle and, if that is true, I have to restart the ‘working on me’ part that I did really well as a single father of two. I can have the spiritual awareness of Ned and the passion of Braveheart. It is not an either/or but a meal of opposites that I can feast on all at the same time. I will again be the man running with the spear in my hands, ready to conquer the stereotypes and negative attitudes. I will again feel the total passion of marriage and be aware of my faults so they don’t damage family. I will hold the Earth over my head so that my children can be lifted high, giving them every chance in the world to be self-confident, strong, brave, and never doubt that their father will lay down his life for them. I am a king and a king who knows that he is one among other kings. I will never want to be the guy in front who must scream the loudest or carry the banner, but I have to learn to look for the men who fight the same fight and band together to be great men, great fathers, passionate husbands, and men of faith.

I am returning to life. I will roar again.

FindingHeart
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

I missed my opportunity to learn to surf in Hawaii many years ago. Despite that, I feel like I’ve been riding waves pretty well here.

Work has been busy. State testing for children went online and was a cluster F! It wasn’t my department’s deal, yet we were thrown under the wheels for it and had to put out fires for two weeks. That’s finally over. I had some fun working with several different schools, classes, and teachers. I’m finding more people receptive to online tools (free web 2.0 stuff) that can make such a difference in the classroom. (short list: diigo.com, twitter, google docs/earth, resizr, zamzar, glogster, to name just a few!)

My favorite random site lately? http://zombo.com It can be quite encouraging! LOL!!!

xX’s best friends family (4 peeps) moved in with us this week. They are moving out of state and needed a place for a week. It’s cool. Actually, I walked in yesterday and did my best Ricky Ricardo, “Lucies, I’m hoooome!” The friend was actually making dinner for the house while xX was taking care of kids. Damn, makes a guy think twice about the Mormon thing.

Leaving this evening for a men’s church retreat. Anxious about it since I don’t know these guys that well. Do know that they aren’t a bunch of ‘goodie boys’ or pansies. There will be steaks on the grills, beer, some chest beating I’m sure, and at the center will be a large group of men who take God seriously as the center of their lives. It could be good for me.

xX has been doing pretty good. She’s preoccupied with losing her friend (moving to Colorado) this weekend. We’re getting closer and I’m feeling more comfortable with her still. Still, worries me that we have yet to get to a ‘counselor’ to talk about how we can close the gap between my wishes/expectations and her (in)ability to provide/perform. Progress is being made, but still.

Have a great week! I’ve got to get to work. We’ll see if waking up at 3am this morning affects me in the long meeting I have planned for this morning. Grrrr.