Trying to move forward

I'm broken

2025-05-25T11:29:00.002-04:00

In my years of working in Vet Med, there have been many sad moments, many tears, tears from loss of my own babies, tears from others losses. As the years continue on I feel like my heart is weakening daily or the situations are becoming more disheartening upon the owners side of things. Or maybe they aren't as selfish as I see them to be because they just don't get to see what I've seen over the years. In my eyes 18 years of life is a really great life for any animal. Accidents happen, so trying to revive so forgiveness can be easier to give to your loved one is so painful to me. I'm not in that situation, I don't know, maybe I'm the selfish one, maybe I'm cynical. There's only my side that I see because my heart hurts too much to see CPR given an already deceased animal. My head nor heart can be wrapped around this. This has truly sent me into tears from the moment it has happened, into the time that I am typing this.

I have been in Vet Med since 2012. I have seen many things. I've worked through Covid. I've had some really shitty co-workers, some horrid managers/owners or the practice who practiced medicine, and many intimidating Doctors who may or may not have shown their soft side by the end of all of our encounters. I've been considered a bully, a bitch, someone who is too sarcastic, blunt, dry humored, quiet, and/or outspoken.

I've also gotten to a point where I never thought I'd be which led me to the hospital after being carried out of my home by many paramedics. I couldn't hear or see anything but a white light which pushed me back saying it wasn't my time, even though it truly felt like it was. I was still required to work the next day, and me being me, I showed up, even though I had no appropriate mental health to get through that day or many days following.

I have partaken in euthanasia's that have been so very personal to me that gave me both pain and comfort, knowing that it was better off for them because they were no longer in pain. But the pain was for the parents who lost their fur-babies. I have felt that pain, but everyone copes with grief differently, so no one person can fully feel the same as the other. I always show the most compassion toward the owners possible, no matter the situation because the heartbreak is real regardless.

I've worked in ER Vet Med before, but this is different. The flow is quite different. I was a tech when I worked in the ER previously. Even though I had seen hit by cars that came from high speed chases with crushed skulls and parts of the body displaced it was different than having to have that one on one interaction up front. I was able to make a paw print, bag up the pet, and have my feelings that weren't felt as personal because I didn't know the whole situation.

I've been on the tech side of things both ER and GP, I've been on the reception side of things in GP and now ER, and I'll tell you there is nothing that can compare to ER Reception. Between seeing the owner coming in, in distress to letting them know the cost right off the bat to start, asking for a status code, watching the owner pace in front of you, waiting for the word from the back, trying to provide information to the owners of this critical case, comforting the client, placing them in a comfort room, asking for an astronomical amount of money which they may not be able to afford, and just watching them break down. Literally ER Reception is one of the least paying, underrated, underappreciated jobs I've ever worked.

In it all, I have met some amazing people. I've gotten divorced, and remarried. I have had some of the greatest friends by my side. Some amazing co-workers who've stood by my side. I've been very lucky to have worked at many places I have worked. I have definitely had some good times in the field with those great people. I couldn't have gotten as far as I have without them, that's for sure. I'm so thankful to them to make my daily life much more enjoyable. Without them I truly don't know where I'd be. So thank you all for the amazing times! <3

Life

2017-10-23T12:07:00.002-04:00

My life has changed in ways I never thought possible. As a child, I saw how my parents were unhappy as a married couple which trickled down to us kids seeing many negatives growing up. With seeing the unimaginable, I always stated I wouldn't get married because I didn't want to go down that road of hurt and betrayal. I was told I'd never be able to have children because I have genetic blood disorders which intervene with being able to conceive and carry a child. I even miscarried once which basically gave me confirmation that it'd be dangerous to my well being and the child's that I'd potentially be carrying, as well.
That all changed when I met Derrick. I, of course, had many trust issues, along with being very skeptical regarding a potential future for our lives. Somehow we did all of the unthinkable for me, I had a beautiful baby girl, without a lot of complications, and we got married 4 year into our relationship. Nothing of our relationship was traditional. We moved in together 6 weeks after meeting, got engaged 6 months after being together, had our daughter 2 years 9 months after being together, and got married 4 years 3 months after being together.
Neither of us knew where our lives were going when we got together, but we build our lives off of each other, making every moment as memorable as possible. Career paths were uncertain, Derrick had many talents in Art and was great with Mathematics, but was never interested nor did he have enough confidence in his talents to turn them into something career wise. I had many loves, but was uncertain with which path to go down for myself. I, too, lacked the confidence in my mind to pursue any type of career path. I loved Floral designing, Animal Science, Medical Assisting, Psychology, and Child Development. I had difficulty narrowing my loves down, and didn't have the money to try everything out to play the process of elimination game.
Derrick and I had some bumps down the road, but many relationships do and it's not fair to expect that relationships were all happy and lovey. I had many medical issues, which definitely caused some lack of affection on my behalf, and I'm sure that didn't help in the way of encouragement and confidence for Derrick. I have hormone issues which causes issues internally, which are unfixable. I also had some confidence issues from previous relationships, which made me have quite the wall up for many years, fearing the worst would occur.
My family loved Derrick when I introduced him to them. Even my brother, who was very protective of me, accepted Derrick into our family. It was hard for me to take part in Derrick's family because of the loss of my mom. I kept my distance because I feared if I didn't I'd become close, and then lose her as well. Derrick's dad and I were pretty cool with one another, as was Derrick's brother, Justin. The sisters of Derrick weren't the easiest to get along with, mainly because I didn't grow up with sisters and I had low tolerance for many statements said.
Our relationship was strong, consistent, and loyal. Something I never thought I'd have in my life. My daughter had her normal highs and lows, but together we made it through, helping one another as the harder times occurred and enjoying life when things weren't so hectic.
Never did I imagine I'd be sitting here 17 years from when we first met, filing papers for divorce and separating our belongings while Derrick is still stationed in Ohio waiting the word of when/if he'll be able to move on with his life and into Maryland where his family is. Being the circumstance, Claire will forever be in my custody, which honestly, we've been one another's rock through this situation.
I'm thankful that Claire has gotten past the point of needing space from Derrick and is finally talking to him, on her own terms. For a while, she wanted space, no words spoken, and was unaware that she still had the opportunity to speak with him. For the longest time, I too, was unaware that she and he could speak to one another. They now talk regularly and I'm thankful that she can utilize the chances of informing him of what's going on in her life. The situation sucks, but I will never take the chance of still being a part of Derrick's life, because every child needs their parent, as long as the situation that has been presented isn't involving Claire directly. Claire understands a lot more now that I've made sure she hears the entire story. I never wanted to be that parent who stood in between a child and their parent. If Claire wants and is still able to communicate with Derrick, I will not take that from her. It's not that Derrick is a bad person, or hurtful deliberately type of person. Stepping back and looking at this entire situation, I've become more capable to understanding everything as a whole.
In my life, I've started a new job, began looking for a house, have been working on getting Claire's confidence up regarding her education and violin. We have open houses for 2 high schools next week to see what the upcoming years will be including. She is very excited about that. The one open house she needs to apply for, and the other is a local school, which is on the same campus as the middle school she is in right now. The one school is a Technical school which offers Criminal Justice, and her heart is very much so eager to learn more about this school. The other is a public school and they offer a few programs, but nothing like what the technical school offers. This is the school where most of her current classmates are going to be going to.
Trying to move forward for myself with another person, would be so hard, but I cannot say I don't miss the companionship. I miss having that someone who I can be me around, who I can share things with, and who understands my actual situation because their mature enough to understand it. I also miss the love shared. Listening to country songs and even some others, just brings up the past, because everything is either something Derrick and I listened to at our wedding, or listened to when we were working together in our home. I've had to turn off songs because it still hurts. What sucks about that is, music is my therapy. Then there are songs that have lyrics that make me say to myself, "That kind of man doesn't exist. I'll never find someone like that, so why try?" These thoughts then lead me to pushing the "potential" away because I don't want to get hurt again, and it also makes me have little confidence in myself. I'm sure there are men out there that feel the same way, but taking a chance isn't wanted by me. Trusting someone is going to be nearly impossible. I'm honestly terrified to give someone a chance. In addition to that, I'd have to be social to meet people, and honestly, I'm anything but social in that way. If I'm not hanging out with people I know and enjoy hanging out with, I'm not going to do it. I stick with the familiar, which is probably not the best for everyone, but it's the best for me, at least for as long as I can get away with it.
I've informed Claire that there is no guarantee that she'll be able to stay in the district we're in, so it's always good to have a backup. If the 1st backup does not work, then go to the 2nd backup. I'll always have these backups in line because that's something I do.
I'm now working with a mortgage company and real estate agent to try to get me where I need to be. I've never lived on my own, so I have a lot of research to do and so far I'm getting the help I need to steer me in the right direction. My credit has gone to shit, but my best friend is helping me, which has been great. Being a first time home buyer, there are perks, but my score needs some boosting before getting a mortgage. This is a Go Fund Me page that I've put together to help with a down payment on a home. Any amount is helpful, if you or anyone you know can help.
Help us build a down payment for a home to call our own.
I'm looking for a mortgage because I cannot/will not part with my pets.
My pets have been both my daughter and I's therapy through the hard times we've faced over the past few months. The silliness that each of them bring to our faces every day is something I cannot live without.
My dad has 44 working days before he gets to retire. He's back to work, and has been since last Sunday. His job has been absolute assholes regarding his light duty restrictions. The first day everything was great, but since then, he has been expected to run 2 machines and has been walking way more than he should be, and also is lifting more than the 10 pound limit which was implemented for his return. He's doing pretty well though, considering. I keep telling him that he's much nicer than I would be, given his situation. There is a lot of B.S. that has been ongoing, but all he's seeing is the ending of this chapter, and he just wants to move forward from there. His foot still swells pretty bad when he's done too much, which causes quite the discomfort level.

Was I blind, hopeful, or just dumb?

2017-06-03T13:24:00.001-04:00

Many of you who are reading this are aware of the situation which occurred August of 2015 with my family. No matter how many people walked away from me, or I walked away from, I didn't give up on my marriage. I fought for the sake of knowing depression can cause some abnormal behavior which could cause the situation at hand, then. Now here I am nearing 2 years post the trauma which was presented with the best daughter a parent could ask for, the most supportive father and his significant other, and many of those who did stand beside me even though they did not agree with my choices. I'm very thankful for them to have seen me through and seen the transition that's been happening over these past months.
As things stand, my husband can now not set foot in the house my Dad made a home for us. D is not allowed to have any contact with Claire until she's 18. D has been in Ohio now since February, when the sentencing was given. I went with D to Ohio because when going, we were uncertain if jail time would have to occur. After a week of lost wages, not seeing my daughter, and not being able to care for my furbabies, I had to leave to resume my everyday life.
At first, things were very challenging for me at home without him here. Since he only worked part-time, he made the home life simple. Dinner was made when I'd get home from work, the pets were let in and out at all times of the day, and Claire was helped with her homework as she needed. Then as his stay continued to be extended, I learned how to manage household duties and be a full-time employee. I'm still struggling with fitting in my homework because of exhaustion following everything, but slowly I'm trying to find a routine that works best for my schedule.
As D was away from the house for months and months, Claire and I became more adjusted to what life is or would have been without D being here. It sucked, yes, but at the same time, we prepared ourselves for the possible outcome of him not coming home. After so many hours of reading the probable outcomes from situations like these, it made me realize the months that he's been kept there, the reason behind the length of time is likely due to how much information they were trying to obtain prior to allowing any type of communication with him or his probation officer in Ohio.
My dad called me to let me know he was contacted by a PO here in PA and they required he be at the house to meet with them so that he was aware of the situation and what it would entail if he was ever to set foot in this home again. So, on the day the PO was here, I happened to be off and we sat and talked about everything. My dad was unaware of the excessive charges which were placed on D. This was mainly because until late January, I was unaware of them as well. I knew the counts, I knew that minors were involved, but I did not know much passed that. When Claire, D's mom, and myself went to a court hearing, the prosecutor read off all of the counts placed against him and it dropped my heart and Claire's. When we came home from that, I informed Dad that there were things that I wished I hadn't heard. I didn't go much further than that though. So, when this PO came over the details were reread to my Dad. It was like reliving everything all over again. I knew it was going to happen and I had prepared myself for it, but honestly, it didn't do any good for me. Overall though, my Dad was shocked at what was shared with us. The PO was very polite, concise, and had empathy toward us. She said, the first question I have to ask is "Does a minor live here?" And our response was of course, she's 14. She then stated, "That first question's answer was enough to deny him from entering this state."
From that point, I informed D of this and told him he could never set foot in this house. He stated that he would be applying to go into Maryland then, so he could be with his family there. I'm glad he's got his family there, and the support he needs, but I'm uncertain of how far he'll be able to go with that. All but 1 sister, and his mom, have children under the age of 18. I'm not sure how strict Maryland is on such situations, but if they're anything like PA, I'm not optimistic on him getting into Maryland, either.
About 1 week prior to all of the madness coming ashore with D not being able to come back to PA, my heart and head began thinking of all of the crap that has been dealt. I prepared myself of him not being able to come back and informed him that "I cannot fully love someone that I cannot trust." We'd been together for 17 years. Just sweeping that under the rug is impossible, but the realization of my lack of trust is what really made my head and heart understand one another. Ever since the reading of the charges in January, I couldn't get that out of my head. I'd hear them over and over, and that wasn't something I could shake. It was not my intention to break his heart, or make him feel like I've ruined him, it was for me to be the individual I need to be, for our daughter. So, with that being said, we started taking a break which had been mentioned to lead to a divorce.
Once the PO came here, it made everything concrete. I began to realize that there's no going back now. I'm not pulling Claire from a school that she's doing well in to move to a place where he may be able to live with his child and I. That place being, the only place that did the verdict and sentencing, Ohio. She was very unhappy there, and she's build a life here that does not have to remind her of the most prominent memory she has--watching her father get arrested and taken away from us. That is an occurrence which will stick in her head for the rest of her life, I'm certain.
So, now here I am with a zoo of pets, a daughter who has had very bad depression (suicidal at times), loss of Claire's God-mom and my nephew and niece and (like) Sister because of where this situation lead us, and never getting an actual break because I'm now "single".
So if there are any of my friends who walked away (rightfully so), who are reading this, feel free to contact me again. I'm not sorry for giving everything a second chance, but if I had known everything at first, I would have walked away too.

2017-04-06T20:02:00.001-04:00

Words cannot describe the amazingness this furbaby has. Jaw's parents are amazing and are doing anything possible to take care of their precious, handsome man. If there is anyone who could help toward the surgery costs and additional veterinary care Mr. Jaws will have to undergo in these upcoming weeks, it would be greatly appreciated! If you can't donate, spreading the word is also very helpful! Thanks everyone!

Jaw's Medical costs--Banfield and PetER Patient

Parenthood

2016-02-21T18:12:00.000-05:00

I knew this day would come. The one that makes you realize you're a parent to a teenager. No matter the amount of wrong that is done, it's never their fault, nor do they remember why they should apologize for the action in which has sent you to the point of not talking for 4+ days.
Failing grades, lack of respect, and being two-faced shouldn't be anything to apologize about, right? Her grades up until this point (because like normal, she's not giving a shit until it's this late in the year), have been so poor that we received a letter from school stating that if she doesn't get her grades up, she will be held back. This is the first year we've ever received this type of notification, but she has always been like this. Finally, this year, the grading system has changed. Things aren't as simple as they once were. This year of grading has changed to an accumulative percentage for all quarters. Where-as, previous years the grades were done by the quarter. So you could fail 3 of the 4 quarters and as long as your last quarter was passed, you could move forward onto the next grade.
Claire's a smart girl. She's got the brains to go far. However, she's too worried about her girlfriend, friends, and having social hour instead of instructional time.
I have come to a point with her that, she needs to know what it's like to not have her parents hold her hand and push her to do what is necessary for her because when I do that, she gets to take credit for something she should had done from the very beginning... FOCUS and TRY! She's 13 now, even though she sometimes acts much younger than that and other times acts much older.
I feel we all make our own destiny. I will support anyone who puts forth effort. I will fight for Claire until the end of time, as long as it's not her who is in the wrong. The drama, lack of care, disrespect, and still thinking everything is fine, is just unacceptable.
I'm a mom-I do my best to show her how life can be both great and hard-Overall, life is what you make it. The more challenges you take on, the harder it'll become, but the better outcome can make you realize you can take on those hurtles in the future and excel. I don't promote laziness, nor do I expect the best to come from laziness. I feel if you don't challenge yourself, you get no where.
One day, Claire will see this for herself and understand that life isn't all about procrastinating.

General

2016-01-26T09:29:00.003-05:00

Even when I'm upset in such a way that I cannot get words together to explain the exact words together, I look to my animals and they make me smile. Their goofiness, happiness, unconditional love, and presence makes me smile not only on the outside, but in my heart as well. Trust me, there are many days when I feel like I just need to take a breather, some time away from all of the craziness that had happened earlier that day, or any other days past.
I have no idea what I'd do without my pets. Heck, all and all, I don't know where I'd be without animals in general. Ever since I was a kid, I knew I loved animals in a way that I could never love a human. The fact that animals don't lie, cheat, steal (unless they're being naughty), or make you feel worse by their presence, is amazing.

I know I'm in the right line of work, because working with animals makes me so thankful to come home to my own animals. I won't lie, there are some really rough days when I feel drained for situations which are of course out of my control, at work. Seeing pets daily who suffer from primary epilepsy along with so many other seizure and pain related problems opens my eyes to how lucky I am to have my girls waiting for me at home. Working in the veterinary field, as closely as I do, can either make you or break you. Thankfully, for me, it's making me into a stronger person. However, for some, it's not that simple.
Psychological Stress and Veterinarians
Veterinary care is not for everyone, that's for sure. This field gives you so many mixed emotions throughout the day. Coming home and being asked how my day was, is definitely hard to sort the good and bad. Thankfully, even though I had no idea that it was possible, the good outweighs the bad. At least for me that is. Many people can't see the positive through the euthanasia's, seizures, lack of brain, and so many other sad points. As for me, I look at the factors as to what can be done, or what cannot be done. There are treatment plans for such sad cases. Some of which are quite expensive, but then others that may be temporary fixes, at least usually the owner has an option to what the next step is and at that point, may or may not have the ability to spend some extra time with them. It's crazy just how much money people will put into their pets. Those who don't even have the ability to pay much, still come in out of concern and worry. While consults aren't exactly the most affordable, it does give a peace of mind to know what the next steps can be.

My knowledge grows by the day with my field. I have so many great people who help me with understanding the specific area of Neurology.
All and all, in the end, I couldn't be happier with where I am in life. I'm so happy with all that surrounds me. Through the tough times, the other times feel like they weren't so bad after all.

Update

2016-01-07T12:05:00.001-05:00

It's been a while since I last wrote. Things were quite chaotic within the last post, so I'm going to do a follow up on what our lives have become in the past few months.
Things have changed in a drastic way for our family. Depression is being managed by medication and counseling. The counseling has shown much improvement overall. We've been able to be open with one another now more than ever. Communication is much better than suppressing the feelings inside. It's incredible how much one person can seem so calm, cool, and collective, yet their insides are screaming. Depression when not treated, is suicide in the waiting.
As for an overall for our family, things have improved in such a way that was never imaginable. Claire has finally felt comfortable to speak and ask for help from her father. This is a huge step because most times Claire avoided him because he was never approachable before.
My work is going very well. I love who I work for/with and what I do. I've never been happier than I am now in a "job". This is a career path I know I work best in. Working in Neurology has broadened my knowledge within my field and the people I work with have been incredibly supportive and informative. I love my direct department manager. Words can not explain just how amazing I feel regarding my work....and home life. Things are so much better than they've ever been for me.
Claire is struggling with school this year. She's working hard right now to try and make up for her lack of ability in certain classes, but we're unsure if she'll be able to move forward at this point. We have her enrolled in tutoring 2 times a week to help with understanding material she's struggling most with. Claire has been having a rough year because her best friend moved out of the county and is not too close to us for visiting regularly. Plus there were some additional emotions which she had to experience which she had never felt before, which made it even more difficult to handle. This year in school really has her thrown for a loop.
Hubby is back in school. He's completing his degree and should be done by spring of next year. Perhaps earlier, depending on the ability to take additional classes. He's happy, stable minded, and has learned how to love life a bit more than ever before.
I am looking into furthering my education, but haven't dedicated myself to it entirely, yet. Right now I'm shopping around per say to find the right time and path. I'm looking into furthering my abilities within the Veterinary field. There is no other place I'd ever rather be, field wise. I would like to expand my knowledge so that IF we were to move, I'd be able to get a job easier.
Family means everything to me right now. I'm so thankful that I've had my Dad's support in everything that's gone on in the past because that helps everyone in my family. Dad even drove out to my house and stayed with us for 5 days over Christmas break and got to enjoy Christmas with us. Words cannot express just how much my Dad's visiting meant to us. It was the first Christmas I had spent with my dad since I was a very young child. It meant so much!
I'm very disappointed with how many people have walked away from me. I am surprised that those who've claimed to love me for so long, took a 1 way ticket away from my family without knowing/understanding the flip side of the story. Just because I'm being ignored and pushed away, doesn't mean that I don't think of you all often. When something major happened in the lives of those who've walked away from me, I was there. I listened to everything, all sides, and gave a chance that'd be equal to or more than what has gone on, on my end. Not only did you all walk away from me, but you walked away from my daughter, and my husband. Giving people the benefit of the doubt sometimes will show you just how much you can open up.
Smile when you can, love who you can, be who you are, never judge until you understand the entire situation.

Blind

2015-09-18T18:56:00.000-04:00

Understanding those who hurting without saying a word

The house of mine has been extremely crazy and many unfortunate acts have been made/attempted. Motive of this is my own home life and all of which is the most important. Until being able to see the pain and distress one is dealing with, judging is unacceptable.

I have been in a similar boat, feeling like no one cares, no one wants to be around you, distance is the hardest factor knowing there is family so far away, pushing people away in a very negative way, and isolating yourself from everyone, so planning on ones departure from others lives makes one feel like walking away is the best option. Choosing to commit self destruction means that ones given up on not only everyone who's loved them, but also oneself.

A cry out for help can be in many different ways. If not for a friend of mine jumping on my crying out, I would likely not be here. People tend to think it's a coward move, it's selfish, and it's full of excuses. My heart aches for those who suffer with depression, have self destructing thoughts, and feel alone. I understand it, because I've been there and felt like I had no one at a point too.

Before the situation at hand occurred the past few years have been rather difficult. Between the car accident, tight finances, school schedules meshing with work schedules, being a parent, and trying to have SOME time for family/friends. Unhappiness was all over the home. We would avoid each other in our own home along with lack of communication through everything.
The pushing away was a way to feel less wanted, therefore less missed once gone. Many people I've spoken to about this has stated that it's just a cop-out, a way to be a coward. Though those who say that do not understand the entire "story" that actually happened. Everyone needs to understand, I was just like those who believe that he was a coward.
After seeing him behind plexi-glass and watching him pass out from what is now being discovered as a heart condition my mind went hay-wire. I felt like I was helpless, I screamed for help, yelling on the top of my lungs, "Medic, Someone, Anyone, Man Down!!!!" and finally the two officers who were the ones who got him there in the first place came over. He wasn't responding and they called code blue and a medical team ran over. What felt like 30 seconds and 1hr all in one moment, he was able to stand up and was carted away by the medic team. I wasn't told to leave, but I assumed there was no other choice, being the situation.
Once I walked away, sobbing like no one could ever imagine, I went to my car and called the one primary person who has been my rock throughout all of this. While talking with her, she was never biased upon anyone specific or the situation in general.
There were many LONG drawn out moments wondering, crying, thinking, fearing the worst. I left work early one day and finally answered the phone from this unknown TX area, and low and behold, it was him, on the other end. It stated he only had 1 minute of talk time and that once the minute was up there would be no warning. Once they connected us, he said he called because he wanted to let me know that he was okay--he explained the situation as quickly as possible, and from that point, I understood what it was like to deal with jail and how they operate. I wasn't given any type of numbers when he was carted off, nor was I told he'd be able to call. I knew nothing. Once the conversation ended it gave me the opportunity to add minutes to his talk time and I rushed to do so, so that I could find out more about this situation that I had only heard one side of.
We talked for a few nights, trying to figure out what we as individuals were going to do, and us as a family as well. While many may call me stupid, dependent, irresponsible, and too trusting of a person, I stand to say, until you're in the situation, you can't judge honestly until you've been in their shoes. There were many people who told me I wasn't doing what was right for ANYONE involved. But, again, unless you've been there, the feelings would never be understood to the extent ours are.
When you're able to put all things aside to listen to that person you've spent 15 years with who has done something unimaginable to you, that's when you realize just how deep the love goes. There is stupid shit done EVERYDAY in this world, and honestly I cannot begin to explain just how hard it is to walk away from someone that you know has another part to why this happened in the first place. I've known him for nearly 1/2 of my life, and loved him for nearly as long. I trust him, as much as I can any man, and the way all of this went down was beyond any words.
I've always been the one who has seen the better side of people. I took psychology and really was able to apply that in this situation. I also had gone through all of the stages. Once I was able to talk to him, I could tell that what he was saying was honest. I was able to know when things weren't going well, but brushed it off, for the times that it seemed little. Other times, I suppose I was harsh about it and demanded some type of answers or understanding as to why things were going sour.
He's always been a damn good father. He never made her feel uncomfortable in anyway and tried to answer questions even when he knew it was just to start a conversation that he may not have wanted to have. Then again, even she knew something was off. He wasn't acting himself, he was hiding, sleeping, blind to the fact that she was there. He said that was so she wouldn't miss him, since he's already acting as though he's not here anyhow. As years progress forward I always tried to get him more involved with spending time with her because here soon she isn't going to want much to do with us. She's nearing those teen years and us girls know how we can get near that time.
Moral of all of this is, if you don't see all sides of the situation, you don't understand what it's like to be within the situation itself. Pushing people away who've been there through your questionable decisions, makes one a hypocrite. If you want to push them away after getting fully aware then that's a choice.
I love my husband, my daughter, and the family of both his and mine who've chosen to stick by, not just me, but him too. He needs to know that people are there for him, especially through this hard time. He's not taking anything for granted anymore. He's seen what a mistake he's made and is so thankful to have had the chance to explain the situation much more openly than it would have been if I didn't visit, give him time to talk, and talk with his family. I've seen a huge change in the man he is, he's become the man I fell in love with, and even better than that now. His heart is open, as is his mind, allowing us to know if he has a dark moment that sets him back. This is a huge step from where we were months or even years ago. His once thought of as his life, is now considered our lives.
He no longer works for his place of employment of 14 years. Neither of us are bitter by this. He's at peace with everything that's to come his way. He was very unhappy with his employment. He felt trapped, non-successful, and just overall discouraged by any possibilities which may have included moving up in the company. He's happier now than he's been for as long as he can remember. The burden of his job made him dread being there. There are many reasons why he didn't leave on his own, before all of this came known, but he had no motivation to get out. Yes, there will be quite the section of his experience which will be null to employers, but right at this moment, that's not a concern we have.
We have some more time until things surface, if at all, and once that occurs, we will figure our lives out, together, as one family. We are just moving forward in the best way we can, and we're making the most of every moment.
As of this moment, a lawyer has been hired and will represent him. His brother stepped up and paid the bill on that one, thankfully. Things are stable right now. We're making due with what we can and are a much happier family than we were months ago. His Mom and brother have been so helpful and done so much more than I could have ever imagined. We are so thankful to them for supporting him while everything is still so difficult to sort through. Everyone who has stepped up and looked past the beginning of this madness, I couldn't be more blessed and thankful.
That support has made us investigate where we want our lives to continue to grow and has shown just how powerful it can be once in or out of the equation.
If anyone wants to look at me in a different way then more power to you, but one day I hope you open your eyes and understand certain circumstances can place them in a very dark, unnoticed place. You may even associate yourself with them daily, and just don't know them outside of that comfort they show upon their face to you. Needless to say, there are dark, unhappy, unsettling things going through everyone's head at one time or another, but it's the moment that they reveal it that'd show if you can look past it and still talk to them. To each their own. Everyone's entitled to their own choice. I will say if you can't support my decision and know that my decision is made upon my love for myself, my daughter, and my pets, then feel free to stay away.
Everyone is entitled to a screw up in their life. It's just a matter of moving forward and bettering yourself from the situation that got you there.

Thoughts

2015-02-09T22:25:00.000-05:00

I rub my scars every night, at least the ones I can rub scar cream onto visible to the naked eye. I can't rub any type of fading cream onto my heart, where it hurts the most. The pain that has been kept hiding in my heart due to your negligence only reveals itself when my eyes when I've relived the moment you took my mobility away. While I see so many others living their lives to their potential, I'm still on recovery leave from work, which cause my thoughts to wander to places that allow me to think of all that led up to this mess. I still have talks with my daughter in regards to the accident. There are many moments I do not remember. From the impact, to the time I heard her scream in the back seat. I know I blacked out from the hit and while it was brief, the fact that it happened at all, is what makes me so unsettled. You gave me a reality check for what driving while impaired could cause to another being. When I awoke from what happened, I couldn't help but feel perhaps it was a fault of my own, not someone else's negligence. I feared that the individual whom hit me was one who actually may have had a health condition. I then was just thankful that you hit me and gave someone else a break from what could have been much much worse for them. Your negligence could have became fatal and then what? You would then be faced with murder charges for your negligence. But, now that you are awake from the accident, you're living your life to the fullest. You're engaged to a girl who loves you despite the problems you have caused others. You've got yourself either a very trusting and loving fiance, or someone who is just dumb. You injured not just another driver, but a child who has never felt more afraid to be in a vehicle than she does now. Our hearts ache everyday when we think about all of the problems you've caused us. Maybe one day you'll wake up, have children, and even be responsible and at that point perhaps you'll understand what it is like to hear a child scream due to someone harming him/her with/without intention. Because, even though it was not your intention to hurt someone that night, you got behind the wheel and allowed yourself to drive while intoxicated. It was a choice that was made and now for the rest of my life I will and my daughter will have that awful moment of terror to remember because it'll be present in our daily activities. You chose to hurt someone, anyone, and the ones you hurt were some of the most responsible individuals. Maybe that is why you were meant to hit us. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I feel this happened for a reason... While I feel that way, it doesn't excuse your behavior.
There is a 12 year old in my house who feels you should be locked up, which I must say, I completely agree. That 12 year old is my daughter and she hurts everyday because of how irresponsible you were that day. My daughter cries a minimum of 2 times a week remembering the accident and how it affected her and I. With your negligence you may have prevented my daughter to ever drink and drive and go home after having 1 too many. Aside from that... you are worthless in her eyes.
We will never forgive your actions because you directly hurt us. In addition to that we'll remember what we can of your poor choice because we're reminded of this all of the time. I'm terrified behind the wheel now, whether being a driver or a passenger in a vehicle. I find myself tense up more than ever before since this accident. You have caused distress for us.
It's sad that my 12 year old daughter has better judgement than a grown "man".

Doctors appointments

2014-06-19T23:26:00.001-04:00

So much has been going on for my health as of late. For the past several months I have been dealing with shakiness which I brought up to my case nurse while discussing the issues which came upon with the accident. My case nurse wanted to make sure I got myself into my physician prior to my Neurosurgeon's appointment so I could figure out what has been going on prior to our next discussion which is after every Neurosurgeon's appointment. So I set a physical up to make sure that I was healthy and that the shakiness wasn't something that may involve diabetes, which runs in my family. My family doctor blood tested me for all of the normal plus Lupus to see where I was with my ANA blood cells. With being in remission, it's something that's never truly gone out of my mind and I have been dealing with many symptoms as I had in the past when I was diagnosed with it 6 years ago. I also got an EKG to make sure I'm not in need of a cardiologist as I had been referred to one previously due to having a rapid heart rate. I was given a referral to a Rheumatologist to monitor my Fibromyalgia because I'm at the max for my medications. The issue with that is that the medication isn't helping as it should be. The problems are that my pain levels are increasing yet my threshold has begun to become less by the day. I worried that it may come to this, but wanted so badly to believe that it's just the sudden weather changes is leaving me more uncomfortable.
Two days after the blood work was ran, I received a phone call stating that I have tested positive for Lupus. However, all of the other blood tests came back great. I was advised to keep my Rheumatology appointment, which is in October, to go to the proper care needed to maintain my health properly. My heart fell to the floor. I can't even describe the feelings that came over me when I was informed. Tears began to stream down my face in disbelief. After much research I found that trauma can be to blame for systemic trigger. Very informative article. The reasoning behind the trigger of Lupus for me can be led to the accident. Just something else to put on my plate in my state of mind.
Monday I had my Neurosurgeon appointment and while the progress has been great, it still is far from where it needs to be. My hand looks great. The bones have fused so the pain has minimized and therefore my doctor is thrilled about that... My foot on the other hand has been quite the challenge. My foot is still swollen, sore, and irritating regularly. From the beginning I was told that it could take a year for the swelling to subside, and this appointment confirmed that. I am surprised he didn't yell at me for all that I've been doing. Thankfully he kept his thoughts to a minimal and told me to make an appointment for November. He wanted to see me a year from the accident to make sure I don't need surgery again to get the screws out.
Yes, another surgery may be in my future, just like Claire. Claire's next surgery is going to be August 5 to get the bridge out. Her recovery time is to be 2 weeks. This will allow her to recover prior to going back to school. Claire is actually looking forward to getting the bridge out so she can move past this entire situation.
So all this shit is going on and it all correlates with this damn accident. Yet, the individual who hit us is back to normal. He's not engaged, has a job at a gym which he works out at quite regularly, has been on vacations to Fl with his parents and siblings. It's incredible how he's back to his life, yet we're suffering daily. It truly makes me ill that someone who chose to be irresponsible is better off than Claire or I are.
Frustration to the max has begun.

Public Schools

2014-05-03T22:37:00.000-04:00

There comes a point in ones life where you can't help but wonder wtf is going on in our school system. I have a child who has been outcasted and picked on for being structured inand out of the home. Claire has had so many problems in every school she has gone to. These past few days have made for some awful comments from fellow students.
Let me just put this out there right now-- I do not always believe my daughter is in the right. In fact, I make sure she's aware of those less fortunate so she doesn't believeeverything is handed out without reasoning or cost. I always inform her that other people have it worse than us. I believe D and I have made sure that she understand others come from broken homes, some parents cannot provide food to their children and sometimes kids only get the meals that their school provides in the AM and for lunch. I always tell her how lucky she is to have both parents are together, all that is hers, is hers to keep, and not to fight over with siblings, and she has her own pets who love her. Many children cannot say the same. I also let her know when she is wrong, she is given punishments for poor choices, and she is listened to but also if word usage is wrong, she is corrected. While that last one may not seem too much of an ordeal, in order for her to speak and write proper, she needs to be corrected.
Now onto the problems she is having. Clairr came home on Thursday and informed us that she was sent to peak. D and I asked why and her response was:
"I argued with a teacher, spoke out of turn, and yelled out at another student." I told her that those actions were unacceptable and I asked why. She continued and said :
"A classmate called me a bastard. I yelled out of turn because I yelled out what did you just call me?"
I gasped in disbelief and was thankful that Claire told me about this happening but was shocked that Claire said that word and it was because she was unaware of the meaning behind that word. I disregarded the action of being sent to peak and just moved forward.
Friday I was at work and received a phone call on my cell phone, which I only check maybe twice during my shift and it is in my cubby. I called D and asked him why Claire's school had called and I was informed that the school was concerned for her well being. D went down to her school and talked with her teacher and guidance counselor. Claire was being picked on at recess, getting punched in her ribs by one girl and Claire made sure she blocked as many punches as she could. Then the child did manage to hit her ribs, called her a bitch and an mf'er then followed that by "I wish you were dead!" Another girl came around the area of the altercation and said the same thing. Finally a child decided to help Claire by flagging down a on duty teacher who was supposed to be monitoring the outdoor activity. Claire then stated that she had thought of hurting herself because of how uncaring they are to her. She feels like she is outnumbered and uncared for.
When this was expressed, the staff was shedding concern for Claire but quickly retreated to stating Claire should be in counseling to have the feeling of hurting herself and that Claire will be talking with her guidance counselor during her lunch period once to twice a week. While I am glad she can have someone to talk to while in school, this would likely be obsolete if the staff would have held their end of the bargin up when they moved her into fifth grade. What was supposed to happen was she would have lunch with the counselor while being able to have an open conversation about how things are going for her and the problems she had and they'd be addressed. So here we are again... Bullying is a type of action that harms children.
Claire is a damn good kid, and honestly I'm about fed up with all of the bullshit that Claire is dealt so regularly. I can't get over how awful school has become. It is awful of this was handled. The children who did the bullying and threats were defended. The staff told Claire she was lucky because the children who are expressing harm are the ones who have no one caring about them. While I agree with Claire being lucky, I am being fed the bullshit of the children's actions are blamed for a childs actions. When children are at thks age group, they are capable of making their own decisions. While I agree that some of the choices are unrealistic, this age knows right from wrong.
What is aggravating for me is this:
Claire is in fear at school because of these girls who seem to get worse by the day.
Kids seem to be so hurtful to one another and its quite bothersome. The severity continues to worsen.
The way to resolve the problems with the children who've messed with her, per the school is to avoid them. Because that is so simple for a child who sits near the problem and threats are becoming severe. .....not!

Please help up raise money to have a funeral for a deserving man

2013-12-28T21:04:00.001-05:00

Loss of A loved one on Christmas Morning | Memorial/Funeral - YouCaring.com

Thank You!

2013-12-24T23:37:00.001-05:00

Dear Family and Friends,

I want to take this time to thank all of you for the wonderful support we've received from you all. This years tail end has been super difficult and we couldn't have made it through without all of the good vibes and prayers sent our way. While there are still months worth of healing ahead, there is definite progress in the right direction. We feared that Claire would not have a Christmas this year due to the car accident. With me still out of work, and the time D had to take off to care for us, we have been extremely stretched in the funds department.
I couldn't be more grateful to all of your assistance in moving my life forward. You guys are great and I see the smile on Claire's face when she looks at our Christmas tree. She sees hope, happiness, and enjoyment while looking at those flickering lights which rest on our tree. With the help of a friends church for food and several great pieces of clothing and a piece of electronics she's desired for a long time,and a friend, his family, and work helping chip in for something Claire has been itching to have for 6+ months, my brother helping with food and an activity to keep her busy and entertained, and for all of the others who've helped us while snow was pounding us, our wonderful neighbors clearing pathways to ensure we don't get sued for slip and falls. The people we've surrounded ourselves with, and the people who've come up out of the woodwork in the most needed times, I love you all.
Even though I did not send out Christmas cards this year, I hope you all know that I am thinking of you and I appreciate each and every one of you! You've all shown me such great gratitude during our struggles and all of us are very appreciative.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Love,

Val

Sigh

2013-12-13T09:17:00.000-05:00

I never in a million years thought I'd be involved in a car accident. I surely never believed that I'd have such an outcome. My daughter having a fractured clavicle at such a young age, not sports related never ever crossed my mind. I am thankful that she is doing well. She's near the end of her treatment, and I'm still feeling like I am at the beginning of this mess.
I can't believe one persons negligence caused my family so much pain. 5 broken toes and torn tendons, and 1 broken finger. Yes, sure it could have been worse, and I'm thankful that it's not, but I, if you know me at all you know this, am a control freak. I have things lined up appropriately and expect things to go that way. I can't stand not having the ability to get done even the small things. Before this accident I could get this house cleaned in one day. Now I can't do just the pets cages in that amount of time. I have to split things up so that I don't over-stress myself. I guess I took for granted just how capable of things I was. Now I am winded just going from my bedroom to the bathroom. The pains associated with everything limits me.
I worry so much what the outcome will be for this injury. I'm not too concerned about my hand, as I am my foot. I am so worried that my ability at work could be compromised due to all of the walking I do at my job. I'm sure they'll work with me, but I worry if they won't. I finally got into my field, and this happens? I love my job, and all of the people who I work with. Not many people can say that. I worked my ass off to get the schooling needed to get into my field and yet, something like this may be a game changer.
I feel like I'm disabled. Not just temporarily. I feel like I'm not going to be able to do anything to get where I need to be in my life. This is placing a giant damper on my husband, too. He's starting to realize how hard this is for me and he's being placed with a lot more responsibility. He never realized just how hard it was that I worked to keep the house up, go to work, and take care of the animals, until this injury had been placed upon us.
I'm angry!! I can't get over how someone can drink and drive. So intoxicated that he was taken from the sign in life threatening conditions and wreck others' lives. There is still nothing that indicates that the man who hit my truck is alive or comatose. No citation has been issued. My understanding is, the only reason he would not be cited is if he could not be conscious to sign off on it. Was that drink really worth all of this, motorist?
Here it is Christmas and my family is living off of one paycheck. Not to say I'm not thankful for that paycheck, but it is to say that has cut half of what we bring into this house. Even though I've never been materialistic, I don't believe it's fair to take Christmas from a child and family due to negligence of another driver. I feel that our family is blessed for all we have, but soon the bills are going to come in and we are going to be lost sinking.

Sometimes.... I just feel.... left behind...

2013-11-18T20:51:00.000-05:00

As Claire and I sit down to watch our weekly show, D is sleeping. Not out of intentional avoidance, but because it's burnt out from all of his studies and work. By the time he comes home it's like he disconnects from all of what is within this home. If he doesn't go to sleep he goes and begins homework that he then follows by sleeping. He works his ass off and I get that, but it's starting to play a role in our own personal life. I feel so neglected at times that it's almost like I can't even respond to the negativity. Being home for the four day period I was off for birthdays, we seriously spent such little time together that it kind of makes me want to go back to work so that I can place focus on my career, and have conversations with another adult. It honestly hurts me to feel this way. I know the love is there, but there are moments where I wonder how deep it runs. We've had discussions about this, so it's not that this is foreign to him, or Claire. Both of them are aware of how I feel. I just feel it's overlooked and forgotten that time together is real time, not just an occupancy. Meh.

Everything gets rough...

2013-10-17T11:31:00.000-04:00

I'm going to break this post down by home life and work life, so it's easier to follow.

Home Life

As many of you already know, we lost Fatty (Claire's cat of 9 years) on September 30th to cancer which had spread throughout her entire body. When she stopped eating and drinking we knew something had gone wrong. The mass that she had on her right side between her ribs and abdomen had practically grown overnight. Fatty was never a must be picked up type of cat. She more-so rubbed on us and laid down to get pet. Oddly over the time that we had her, we never felt that lump. It was the week that she wasn't eating that made her slim down to a point where the mass was expressed. The mass was approximately the size of my palm. But, when thinking about it, all of the weight she lost between the time we got her to the time we lost her. She was 26 pounds when we got her. She was supposed to be just a temporary live in situation while a friend at the time was pregnant, that turned into having her for 9 years. We turned her life around and made her such a happy, loving, Momma to everyone in this house. Fatty was such a purr-box. She was so happy and loving to all of us, but she loved Claire in a way that we could never imagine. Claire was so loved by her, and Fatty protected Claire from day one. Claire was only 2 when we got Fatty. From the very start, Fatty clinged onto Claire. Fatty protected her by laying at the edge of Claire's bed and making sure that she was safe. This type of behavior continued throughout Fatty's entire being. Claire played with her and taught her tricks and even played dress up with Fatty at one point. It's a love that we will have forever have in our hearts. We love her so much and it still hurts us to know that she has left us. We still cry thinking of her loss.

Her loss was tragic to Claire. But Claire made the mature decision of letting her pass away without anymore suffering. That was a huge decision for Claire, and I couldn't be more proud of her choice. Her response was "I don't want her to suffer anymore." Claire saw all that was happening and assisted me with force feeding and forcing electrolytes down her throat. Claire also saw how distressed Fatty was when it came down to being able to walk. Fatty was so weak that her body was starting to fumble over herself, and at one point she just wanted to lay in her crate with the door open and her back toward us as if Fatty was punished. Claire continued to say "Fatty, honey, you're not punished. Please turn around and look at me." Claire was so hurt by the rapid change in her body language. But, as her parents, D, Steve (her God-Father and Uncle), and I couldn't be prouder of her.The loss was terrible, but the love will continue to live on.

We got a scare of a heartworm medication recall a few weeks ago. I took both Sam and MeiMei to Banfield for a test to be done. I was so worried that we may have been effected by this recall. Thankfully we weren't. However MeiMei had a hefty skin infection and ear infection also. MeiMei looks like a new dog now. She has 85-90% of her hair back just in the period of 2 weeks of antibiotics and other treatment. From that moment we placed MeiMei on the same health care insurance we have for Sam. Tomorrow, MeiMei is going to be getting her first dental. I'm nervous, to be honest, but I trust the team at my Banfield location I take the girls to. There is one Veterinarian who I love and adore, and she was the one I began to see when Harley got sick. Ever since I have seen no other veterinarian for our girls. She's truly one of the most wonderful individual I've met within the field.

Claire is going to be 11 in 1 month and 1 day from today. It's crazy how quickly time has flown. We've had some ups and downs, for sure, but I'm so proud of the child she has become.

Claire is doing great in school. She enjoys going to school and is sad if we have to take her off from school. When she was sick 2 weeks ago, I had to keep her off from school, and she practically begged to go to school. Claiming that she was fine and that she'd be alright in school. As she attempted to convince me that she could make it through the day at school, she was coughing rather deeply and continuous. It's incredible just how much of a difference she has had this year than previous years.

Claire's grades have improved greatly! She is really working toward getting into Gifted and Talented. When we met with her teachers for open house, her math teacher stated they would be testing her for G&T because she really has such imagination and capability to succeed. The teachers are very pleased with her great efforts and are always pushing her to be herself and routing her on in her tough moments.

Claire is going to be a Vampiress for Halloween. We are going to send all of the candy we collect from Trick or Treating to Military Forces. We don't need the candy, and it's not healthy for any of us, so we being able to donate it to those who are fighting for our country, gives us happiness.

I booked a party for Claire's 11th at Magic Mountain last night. She is so excited and for that I'm grateful. We were originally going to do a bowling party, but I can't imagine 8-10 kids actually staying focused on one activity. Magic Mountain gives the kids an opportunity to go and do multiple things.

D is doing pretty well with school. He's working hard to get to the end of this tunnel. It feels like it's been ongoing for much longer than it has for him. But, I have faith in his success and I know that he'll be able to get to the point of great fulfillment once he completes everything.

D is looking into becoming Assistant Manager for the Business office. It's been something he's avoided for a long period of time, but he's come to the point that he feels that it's only right for him to take the next step. Plus, this gives us some opportunity when new stores open in different areas. His staff sees great potential, and he's finally becoming more accepting to new roles.

Work

I've had good days, I've had bad days. I guess in every role anyone takes on, it's hard to adapt. I have great respect for every member of my staff, and I'm truly thankful for having a job within my field and being given the opportunity to grow.

I have had several meltdowns during my time of working there. I have had near tears moments, and breakdown moments. I've been approached on certain things, but talked behind on in other situations.

I'm still learning, but I think my biggest issue is that there is no repetition that'll make me master what I do. I guess all of the other "jobs" I've had I've mastered it after my 90 day probationary period. I think that's what the issue is for me, most. This is one of those things that once an individual gets into the field of their study, even school can't prepare them for all that is to be expected. School doesn't inform you on who you're going to land a job with. Every office/hospital has different expectations, and it's never something you can prepare for.

I've gotten scolded in ways I never thought would occur, especially for the reasoning behind it. I've been told I'm too thorough when it comes to charting. Never in a million years did I think that was even possible. I guess with going through Medical Assisting and being told the more detail the better, I applied that to my new profession. So now I'm going to get books with more terminology that'll help me build my vocab make my paragraphs turn into easy to read charting. I think that's my biggest issue. I have difficulties with charting due to proper terminology and not knowing all of the words needed in place of what could be considered rambling.

When we were losing Fatty, I spoke with my favorite doctor in our hospital and she gave me pain medication for the weekend prior to us bringing her into the hospital. On Monday when I brought her in to be evaluated, they ran two x-rays, gave fluids under her skin, gave more pain medication, and after talking with Claire, we euthanized her, got an urn with her ashes to be returned to us, and only was charged 24$ for everything. I cried when I saw this. I couldn't believe just how much they took care of my family and I. When Fatty's remains were returned to us, the day after, my entire staff gave my family and I, a card showing all of their support with kind words.

Well, I think that about sums up what's been going on here in the Eshenbaugh household.

Thanks for reading. :)

Things I miss

2013-09-10T22:35:00.001-04:00

Things I miss from my childhood

I miss lite brights. Such a simple toy for me as a child, but I used it as a night light as well. So even though I didn't understand it then, it was a multi-purpose toy.
Sitting on my rooftop with my brother while he'd write and I'd gaze at the moon.
My first cat Fluffy. Yes, I still remember her name even though I was only between 5-8 years of age.
The gray magnet that I had on my refrigerator that was made out of a foam material but had Fluffy's name on it.
Roasting sunflower seeds with old bay in our bedroom under a high watt light bulb.
Living on the shore and jumping into the Chesapeake Bay to search for clams and hoping for a pearl.
Going shopping with my Mom instead of going to school.
Being able to jump 200 jumps for jump-rope in less than 2 minutes.
My Mom's cooking. There was so much that she made that I still have yet to master.
Cartoons like Tom and Jerry on Saturday mornings while eating cereal.
Going to a friends house to just talk as girls, without judgement from one another.
Seeing my family regularly.
Running to the mailbox when it was around the time our Highlights Magazine would be delivered.
Fundraisers through school and the ability to knock on neighbors doors and get orders for the cheapest prizes ever.
Cracker Jacks! They were so good.
Mr. Bubbles bubble bath when I enjoyed taking bathes.
Riding my bike without getting winded.
Sunday Bible Study.
Rollerskating in Putty Hill.
Dennys with my parents or grandparents and uncle.
K-mart. We have closed so many of those that it's hard to find a K-mart that isn't trash (that's the only one we have in Columbus).
Playing baseball with my Bro in the community field.

Update--Nearly one week later

2013-09-03T21:26:00.000-04:00

So after having dealt with so many moments that I truly have troubles remembering, I think I'm on the right track. I'm still having some dull pain periodically. I still have headaches, am still a bit sensitive to light, and still pretty tired. Yesterday I had a few moments where I felt dizzy, today there were very few moments where that happened. Leaning forward still makes me a bit light headed feeling, but it's definitely better than it was. Additionally I have begun to have full feeling in my face. Numbness has subsided entirely, thankfully.
Still I feel like my eyelids are heavy and my body is slow to catch up with anything said too quickly. I feel I could be ready to go back to work aside from being so tired. I've been taking 800mg of Ibuprofen as needed for the headaches. I've been wearing sunglasses to help with the brightness. And for the last week I've drank nothing but water and my morning coffee. Apparently staying hydrated is key, so I've minimized my caffeine intake, even though I've not really had any desire to have soda. I've stayed away from margaritas and all other alcohol. I'm sleeping a lot more than usual. Heck last night I fell asleep at 8:45pm and didn't wake up until 7:30am. I must be wiped for sleeping such a long period of time, all at once.
So here's hoping, come Thursday, I'll have the ability to be back at work. I miss my hospital and all of the wonderful people in it.

First time for everything... I suppose

2013-08-31T22:54:00.000-04:00

Man, oh mighty... I've never experienced a concussion before. I've been about those who have, but living it first hand is quite extreme. On Wednesday before close, at work, I was picking up some trash that had missed the trashcan. When I was coming back up from the ground, I smacked my head on the corner angled portion of our counter top, desktop area. I've hit my head in the past, but not so hard that I yelled out, OUCH! I know I'm pretty thick skulled and in my life, that has helped me plenty. But, not this time... This time I hit it to a point that after I yelled out, I felt clammy and had to sit down. As soon as I hit the counter top, I felt an instant throbbing pain.
It being the end of the day, and the additional help aside from one vet tech, I just informed the vet tech that I had hit my head and that it hurt really bad. We joked about it not thinking it would have the end result of this. When I was driving home, I felt dizzy and couldn't listen to anything because everything seemed to echo. I called D and had to hold the phone far away from my ear and could still hear everything he was saying. But with feeling woozy I didn't stay on the phone the entire time because I knew I needed to focus more on driving, than talking.
Once I got home, I ate, and went and laid down and shut my eyes because things were blurred. I took some ibuprofen and went to bed. While attempting to sleep, I tossed and turned. Every time I'd attempt to fall asleep, my head began to throb. And wouldn't ya know it; the side I sleep on is the same side I hit. That sure as heck didn't help matters.
Thursday I woke up and felt migraine like, the same side of my head that I had hit had my face numb on that side, and very cloudy minded. I took Claire to school, came home, got myself ready for work, and headed on in. Once I got there our Office Supervisor asked if she could show me something. I went into her office and she began to talk, but while she was, everything was so loud, and much of what she said was muffled. She asked me if I was okay and I told her what happened the night before. She felt my head and didn't feel any bumps. She said I should let one of our doctors/owners know what happened so I can get checked out. I told her that that was the last thing I really wanted to do. I didn't think it was anything too serious and that it would pass on its own. I went to clean a room to get another appointment in and the office supervisor asked me to come into the doctors office and let him know what happened so that it can be taken care of appropriately. I went into his office, told him what happened and he immediately said I needed to be seen by the Urgent Care or the Emergency room. I went to the back and the tech from the night before asked how I was and I told her that I had felt worse then than I did when it initially happened and told her about half of my face being numb. She jumped to action, not knowing that I had already spoken with the doctor and pulled the doctor to the side saying that I needed to go to the doctors asap. The vet tech asked if she could take me to the hospital and I insisted that I was well enough to get to the ER. The doctor and some techs said "Val, you don't look good, please let us take you! You should not be driving." So I had the same vet tech who knew I had hit my head the night before take me into the hospital. I had to get a CT scan, so I could not go to an urgent care because they don't have the equip to run a CT scan.
I don't recall much of anything that happened during the ride, or how we got into the ER, or much of the conversation had during being in the ER with the Vet tech, or my husband. Everything feels quite blurry still. I recall very little from what the doctors/nurses said. Everything that happened isn't clear enough to just refer to it. Even what I'm writing currently I have to think hard about it to have any recollection of it happening. Initially from the ER dept, they told me I could not work until Monday. But, we're closed on Monday, so I wouldn't have returned until Tuesday.
Yesterday I had a follow-up doctors appointment with Work Health, who push everything along in the Workmans comp claim. I got lost 6 times because I did not have a clue to where the hospital was. I had no idea where I was going when I got to the hospital (after an hour of being lost, seriously), but thankfully there were some nurses/doctors out front and I asked if they could direct me to the area I needed to be in. The doctor said that I'm off until Thursday unless he sees anything that would need me off for additional time, but it would be a minimum of returning to work on Thursday. I asked him why my face was numb and apparently there are three nerves within the head that control facial feeling. He said with the numbness, it is common, and with the location of where I hit, there is a good chance that I hit 2 of the 3 nerves and that the numbness will slowly fade and I'll begin to feel that side again more and more each day.
Doctor suggested little to no caffeine, no alcohol, lots of water, sunglasses, no driving, and no extreme light, or loud noises. And he took me out from work until Thursday.
Now, meanwhile between all of that, my work has called me to ask me how I am, I've been texting the vet tech who took me and she's done everything to make sure I'm okay. I couldn't ask for a better place to be employed, management and staff wise. I feel so very lucky. I always have a fear to be hurt on the job because I hear horror stories about how people get fired in due time because of a workmans comp claim. That's not something I want, and I pray the feelings are mutual.
I'm looking forward to going back to work this upcoming week, but definitely understand why the workmans comp doctor suggests me to be out until Thursday. I'm still groggy, with a headache that comes and goes, am light/sound sensitive, and feel weaker than typical.
Well, I'm going to head to bed. I just wanted to share this with everyone who didn't know the entirety of what's been going on with my status messages on the social media.

The 16 years you've been gone...

2013-08-25T20:02:00.001-04:00

In the years you have been gone, I've grown in so many ways.

(I apologize in advance if what I write is TMI)

This list is in no particular order

Dated, experienced, and left many people who aren't regrets, but aren't anything I'd wear with pride.
Met the man I'm married to when I was 18.
Had a child of my own after being told my chromosomes were too out of whack to have children.
Experienced what it was to be too drunk to use my house keys to open my door.
Stopped smoking
Began smoking
Stopped smoking again
Experienced living with a roommate
Experienced having my house broken into and losing nearly everything
Finished High School
Went to College
Hit deep depression to the point where I felt ending my life was the only way to ease the pain I felt without any real explanation.
Met friends who loved me enough to stay by my side even through my uncertainties
Split up with my husband for a brief period
Lived the restaurant life only to find that my future was not within that field
Studied Medical Assisting
Dropped out of Medical Assisting program due to knowing it was not for me
Spent nearly 14 years with the man I met off the internet
Dealt with the battle of Lupus
Fight my days through Fibromyalgia
Went into remission from Lupus
Broke my thumb
Broke my toe
Punched several walls out of frustration
Live on medication to help my struggles with overactive nerves
Kept friends from Middle school
Lost friends due to becoming unsociable
Lost touch with family due to selfishness
Moved to Ohio
Moved to North Carolina
Cried myself to sleep due to all of my insecurities
Was in labor for 20 hours
Lost many precious pets in my life
Became a Veterinary Assistant
Followed my dreams even when I felt they were out of reach
Became a dedicated, loving mother to a nearly 11 year old daughter
Overcame struggles of being a Mother to a girl who can push buttons
Started to be active in a way my daughter is now flourishing from positive role models in her life
Has finally become happy with my life
There is not one day I don't think of you and continue to love you in a way only a daughter can show.
Is a mother to a zoo
Became active in my family ordeals and events
Stepped up and owned up to my mistakes

Cons

2013-07-30T20:25:00.000-04:00

When you go into a field you absolutely love, you find it hard to see the flaws, but when you do, they shine. It's an unfortunate shine too. There are a few things that I truly dislike about my work setting... I'll place them in bullet format.

Gossip/Drama

Oh my good God, putting a bunch of raging hormones in one small space is such a drama/gossip fest. On my first week of employment I had two girls go off to talk and one of them stated "Don't worry, Val, it's not about you." I responded with, "I don't care if it is." Then since that response was given, I have made a point to become civil with one of the girls who ran off chatting about something.

I began working on Saturdays and the girls who work on the weekends love to talk trash about other girls that work during the week. I can't for one second say that it's something I am comfortable with. The trash talk is quite irritating. Please know that the girls I work with aren't teenagers, nor are they of the younger twenties age group. I think that's what throws me the most.

On Friday of last week, one of the girls quit. I had a feeling about her from the beginning that made me unsure about her. She is in school, and has been attending school to become a Veterinary Technician. But, after two full weeks, she realized that she really rather work with children. While it sucked that she quit, I understand from previous experience for myself. I was the opposite. I went through Medical Assisting courses to find that my heart was not within the people aspect of the Medical field. Some people just have to come further in their profession to see what is ideal for them. Once the girl left the premises, everyone began to talk and vent their frustration about her leaving, all having some type of input which was negative and almost like adding fuel to the fire. Some girls spoke about how her quitting placed a wrench in their plans, and while I definitely understand that, because it did for me as well, it's not something we can change by complaining about.

Monday, everyone was back in the office and then I was having people ask me, "Did she say anything to you about potentially quitting?" While, it really was no ones business if she had or not, I told them that I had no communication with her about her decision, and that it did throw me off-guard, as well. As the day progressed, the hiring staff began printing out submitted resumes from the posted ad via Craigslist. The first one printed out and I went to pick it up thinking it was someones' invoice I had printed. Once other girls in the office saw that resumes were being printed out, they flocked to the printer and began reading them. Some of the resumes were submitted with cover letters and the girls began to laugh at them. I found that to be quite disrespectful to those potential employees, and it pissed me off. These girls were talking crap and I thought to myself, "This was my resume just 3 weeks ago being dissected by nosy eyes, and minds."

Later on Monday, I was putting in a German Shepard, of 13 years who had been encountering limping issues which weren't getting any better, for euthanization. I walked with them, spoke sweetly with Angel (the canines name) while attempting to get her into her resting space with her family. It got to me a bit, no question, but I stayed strong enough to leave the room without including myself into the situation and its entirety. As I went back into the office space, one of the leads there, started reprimanding me about some things that truly should have been addressed away from other people and clients. It made me feel like I was being scolded for something that I was informed was appropriate initially.

Near the end of my shift on Monday, the Veterinary Technician wanted to let me know that lunch will be provided on Wednesday due to drug reps coming in. Then once that was completed, she asked how I was doing. While I wanted to let her know how belittled I felt from an earlier conversation with the Lead and myself, I just shut my mouth, and replied with "There is a lot to learn, but I feel okay." She said "So you're not going to up and quit tomorrow, are you?" I told her that wasn't my intention. By the end of my day, Monday I was truly thankful to have had the day following off. It felt like a very draining day, and I needed a cold one to follow it.

The strength needed to have an animal euthanized

Since I have begun working at the hospital, I've only had 2 euthanizations get to me. One was the one I mentioned in the previous section, and the other was a beautiful orange and white cat who was brought in due to lack of eating. The cat hadn't eaten in nearly a week and had dropped over 5 pounds within that period. The owners were caught off-guard because they truly went in for an appointment, to fix the probable cause. Once 10 minutes went by and the woman's husband showed up, I had a slight feeling I knew what was about to come. However, I went to the back as they were carrying the cats body to the back to do paw prints for the owner. I, then, overheard the Veterinarian state that when she was feeling around the stomach, she felt lumps all throughout the body, and she knew then, it wasn't going to be a curable visit for this feline.

I now know where the medication for euthanizing an animal is, and I try to avoid it as much as I can, but it's nearly inevitable because it's near an area where the main source of vaccines are kept. And with drawing up vaccines for the patients, avoiding that area is just impossible.

Turnover seems to be high and many employees are unhappy

Those who have stayed, have been there for a long time. The average is 7 years, which is great to see numbers that way. But, that's not accounting for all of those so many current employees speak of. So many of the employees I talk with during the day, complain about so much. They complain about the atmosphere, the crazy clients, and even the doctors. I find that many of the girls who work up front are out to complain about anything and everything. To me it seems very insincere with what tends to be said.

Over-time

Over-time is straight time. No time and a half, or double time. I found that out today when I received my check. :-/ If I were salary, I'd understand, but I'm just hourly. That's kind of a pain in the butt.

When I come home from work, I truly give the biggest hug and nicest pats possible to my pets. My job makes me aware of how lucky I am to have the pets I do. Everyday I learn something new, and I believe for the continued career path, I'll always learn. I love the animal aspect of my career path, I love the doctors I work with, and I love the happiness within the pet owners heart.

..Finally!

2013-07-12T20:56:00.001-04:00

I know, the title of this blog could pertain to anything that's been happening for me.
I'm not very good at writing happy blogs. I tend to write when I'm angry or something has frustrated me in ways I couldn't get out aside from blogging. So, I'm going to attempt to blog with how I feel, and while many of you may be unfamiliar with my writing, please understand my tone has changed quite a bit since the departure of my last job.
So, I've officially begun my career. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a part of Veterinary Medicine. I always second guessed my abilities to actually take part in the field.
When I first began this career search, I had been thrown in so many different directions that I was unsure if Veterinary Medicine was going to actually happen. I went on interviews, working interviews, career sites, and truthfully it felt like my head was spinning.
Now that I'm within the field that I love ever so much, I can't see myself anywhere else. The hospital I work in is incredible. The hospital has been in business for over 27 years. The reputation is above any other hospital I've ever been in, aside from Med-Vet. Med-Vet is however, the hospital we work closely with, which is amazing. Med-Vet was the hospital we lost Harley Quinn, and she is the entire reason I went into the studies I did. She was/is my motivation. I know she's watching over me in doggy heaven giving me such great strength while I embark on my future.
Since I've begun at Green Meadows Veterinary Hospital I've felt so accomplished, and appreciated. Everyday at least 2-3 people say something nice to me. Just yesterday I had my tire blow out and I needed to get it replaced since I do work quite a distance away from home. D came up, changed the tire to the donut, and took it up to Wal-mart for me. It was about a mile away. One of the girls I work with and I were going to lunch and she took me up to Wal-mart. I went into pay for the tire and when I got to the automotive area, I wrote a check and they needed my ID.. Well I left it at work which had I walked back to work it would have taken more time than I had for lunch. I called my work and another one of the girls came up and dropped it off to me. I apologized and promised her I'd be back shortly. She responded with "Take your time. You're fine." The kindness of these people is unbelievable. I ended up taking over an hour in lunch time, even though I hadn't eaten at all. What a mess that was. But, unlike usual for me, it rolled off my back and let me move forward knowing that I was able to go back to "work" to help animals and see their happiness.
Animals are so precious to me. The animals that I've been able to partake in their treatment, makes me feel so accomplished. I can't get over how wonderful this career path is.
I'm so thankful to have been given such a great compliment. What's really awesome is the owners of the hospital work in our facility as DVM's. It's not just some random jackass who doesn't know what he's running. I hate working for people who don't know how the operations work. The two owners are the most requested, and are incredible individuals.
I've grown such a great fondness toward one DVM because she is so genuine and makes everything go in stride. She's truly incredible.
Well, that's my update because I'm truly falling asleep as I'm typing.

Curling up for the week...

2013-02-22T15:11:00.000-05:00

So, last post stated that I think it was a cold... Come Tuesday I felt terrible. I was weak and quickly losing my voice, and had quite some coughing fits. I contacted my DM and asked if I wasn't feeling better by evening, could someone cover the store for me? She replied rather promptly saying absolutely, not to worry about that. A few hours go by and she texted me stating to take the day off, she already got my store covered and to rest tomorrow, and get better. Wednesday I felt like hell first thing. I had dried up crap on my nose, wasn't able to sleep, and felt so exhausted and weak that I knew it was time to go into the doctors. Thankfully I was squeezed in for a 1:45pm appointment which told me I had much more than a cold. It broke down everything for me and soon there after being diagnosed with walking pneumonia, I was given 5 prescriptions and told to stay off of work until Monday. Lovely.... Not so much. I wanted nothing more than this damn illness to dismiss my body quickly, so that I didn't have to take off until Monday. Truly, who can afford to take off 4 work days? Not this gal, seriously. So to add to the diagnosis, the medication, the time off of work, also added stress beyond belief due to not being able to figure out how the heck I'm going to afford these days off.
As time goes by, I'm starting to feel better, only to follow that by feeling weak again. I go from one moment being pale, to the next being super flush. I've lost over 10 pounds in a 3 day period because my appetite has been filled by 23 pills per day instead of food. Only reason I'm eating (rarely at all) is so that my medicine doesn't upset my stomach and dissolves properly. This is the type of diet I wish could work all of the time, but w/out the symptoms which I am experiencing to take the medications. So, yeah, some alterations would definitely be in place. My face is puffy from how this all started as, a sinus infection. I'm still working on getting that underway and it's quite difficult to manage.
Here I am 2 days before I hit the road to Maryland and I am just praying that the one day following today will give me a safe drive into town. I will have to be off of certain medication to travel to Maryland due to the length of time it'll take for me to get there. I can't trust it'll be smooth sailing if I feel groggy on the way in, or the way home. So to my friends and family whom I will see (briefly) while I'm in town, please understand if I'm a bit loopy and may not be in the best shape.
Today was an "ice" day for children here in most of Central Ohio. We were warned about the roadways becoming slick over night but unfortunately we obviously didn't brace for it in the best type of way. There were accidents all over, unsafe walking conditions let alone driving conditions, and needless to say, children were off from school today. While it was nice to get that day before I leave to MD, I still could've used a bit more rest than I got. Claire and I watched Finding Nemo and aside from that, I've been in my PJ's all day because truthfully I don't think I'm ready to brave being outside in this weather, even though it has definitely cleared up a great amount. Part of me wants to get out because it's almost as if I've got a case of cabin fever, but another part of me wants to just sit on my ass and do a bunch of nothing so that I can feel rested instead of overdone.
I tend to be that person who intends on doing just a few things and then finds a thousand other things that need to be completed, too. There is a lot of needs at this point, and I know that if I don't take my health into consideration it's going to worsen and my drive to/from MD is going to be quite difficult.
I'm also beginning to miss my job. Even though I know it's in my best interest to continue to be off from work, I also know that I have a store that I'd like to see my clients at. Many times even when I am active at work I find myself worrying about the revenue and hoping that I can have something stay in my favor because I am very hard on myself, even when things are out of my control. Tax season leads me to knowing that our revenue will drop, but at the same time, as long as I have that attitude that is loved by these people, I know it's only a matter of time before they return. I don't wish this on them, and quite frankly I'm happy for them to get out of the ritual of writing out of loans. As most of my clients know, I was there at one point and understand how hard it was to leave.
I'm eager to go home for a few days, even though the circumstances aren't for good reason. I do look forward to seeing my best friend, his family (practically mine, too), my father, my mom's grave-site, my father in laws grave-site, my friends, and going to Pennsylvania for the day with my best friend.
I, of course, will miss my hubby, daughter, pets, job, and the security of my own home. But this is something my hubby needs. He is taking four days off from work so that he can be here for Claire. He needs to time to just focus on one thing instead of 2. He's been so stressed out with overworking himself that he feels out of touch with his life. Even though the end is near for him, he is still burnt out.
Well, I think I'm gonna lay down for a bit. I feel tired again and should just rest some more.
Hope everyone has a great weekend ahead.

Damn cold

2013-02-19T15:32:00.001-05:00

A couple of days ago, I began with the scratchy throat and shrugged it off as my voice going weird from going to the Maroon5 concert. Then Saturday I began to have that itchy nose and that stayed until yesterday. I came home and bam! The sneeze finally happened. I was like "oh thank God" and then immediately after finishing that thought, my nose began running and I then wished I had just had the need to sneeze. Following the running of the nose came the instant lack of energy. This crap couldn't have come at a "better" (for lack of better word) time. I say that as long as it's gone by Saturday. Not that I can afford time off from work, but I sure as heck can't travel while feeling this drained. My energy level has truly left my body and I just want to curl into a ball and sleep. While at work right now I'm fighting the urge to close my eyes. I can't wait until 6. I really just want to go home, get changed into comfy, fluffy clothes, and lay in bed. I've not felt like this in quite some time. I'm taking mucinex right now. It's gotten some bright green phlegm up already just after 2 doses. My nose is already so red, even with lotion enriched tissues and it's so hard to control my nose. I'm officially drained.
Oh my gosh, my DM is awesome! She just texted me to say take the day off tomorrow to rest! I'm so thankful!

Owl City, Neon Trees, and Maroon 5 2/13/2013

2013-02-14T08:16:00.003-05:00