photo credit: Spigoo

*Note. This was originally written on my facebook page, but I decided to also post it here. What follows is my opinion. I am pro-abortion, and have had an abortion myself. Trolls and hateful comments will not be tolerated.

The final project for my sociology class is a group debate. My group has to argue that a man has a right to prevent a woman from having an abortion. Personally, I’m opposed to such a thing, but for the debate I’ve had to look at some of the arguments for why a man should have say. If nothing else, doing so has only helped me to more finely set my own beliefs.

Here are my personal thoughts on the matter.

When it comes to human reproduction and parenting, I see three distinct areas. 1) pre-conception, the moments before and during sex that happen before the egg is fertilized. 2) Pregnancy itself, from the moment the egg attaches to the uterine lining until delivery. And 3) After birth, the raising and/or caring for the child.

I want to look at the first and last parts first.

Before pregnancy, both partners have equal risks and responsibility. Both partners enter into the sexual relationship knowing the risks of pregnancy and having access to ways to prevent said pregnancy. Now, of course, I’m talking perfect world here, and there are certainly plenty of instances when one person can void the other person’s ability to prevent said risk. But in a perfect world, both partners enter into the sexual relationship knowing the risk and having access to methods to prevent said risk. I see this as equal footing. If one partner wants a child while the other does not, they have the ability to abstain from sex or use protection to prevent pregnancy until that partner finds one that also wants a child, thus preventing the occurrence of the need for an abortion in the first place. Clearly, communication is key here and should be done before the act of sex happens. If a man wants a child, but the woman he is with does not, he can choose to not risk pregnancy with her. He has an equal choice in the matter.

Now, what about after birth? I think this too should be equal. Both parents assume (in a perfect world) the same risks and responsibilities that come with child raising. In most states, there are laws that allow a woman to safely leave her newborn child within a certain time frame at a designated safe place, thus choosing to void her responsibilities. Because childcare should (in a perfect world) be equal, a man should also be allowed to file within a certain amount of time comparable to that of the mother to have his paternal rights terminated if he so chooses. This would remove the risks and responsibilities from him in the same way. If at any time during the years of child raising, a woman has the ability to remove her child from her care (generally, adoption), the father should have that same right. However, choosing to do so at a later time should not void him of past responsibility. If it’s been 3 years, and he decides he doesn’t want the child, he should still owe the past three years of child support. Presumably, the woman in this case still had to provide some sort of care for the child during the time prior to placing it for adoption, and she is not given a refund on that care. The choice to later end responsibility, does not void past responsibility, only future responsibility. Both parents assume equal responsibility for the child, and if both parents are given equal ability to void such responsibilities, then both parents are on equal footing.

Of course, this brings me to pregnancy itself. While both parents are (or at least should be) on equal footing before and after this stage, the unfortunately reality of biology is that the woman carries the whole of the risks and responsibility during the pregnancy. She will face the physical strain that comes with pregnancy, as well as her actions affecting said pregnancy. For example, if a man with a pregnant wife goes out drinking, the alcohol he consumes does not affect the fetus. However, if the pregnant woman goes out drinking, the alcohol she consumes directly affects the fetus. If said pregnancy causes a dangerous spike in blood pressure, it is the woman who will suffer while the man faces no physical effects. Simply because pregnancy affects a woman’s body alone, she must face the weight of the risks and responsibility. Because she alone faces these risks and responsibilities, she alone should be given say in whether or not to continue the pregnancy.

While the risks and pregnancy and the responsibilities of child raising fall on both partners equally, the physical act of pregnancy falls solely on the mother.

Because of this I do not feel that the father has the right to force either an abortion or pregnancy upon a woman. He certainly should have the right to choose to prevent pregnancy, or to choose a partner who will continue a pregnancy with him. And after childbirth he should be given the right to parent said child or opt out of the responsibilities of such. But because during the act of pregnancy alone he bears none of the risks nor responsibilities, he does not have equal footing in which to make a case for equal say in the matter.

Now, if you want to argue for better laws that allow men to opt out of child raising or opt into parenthood, I am all for that. And I am certainly opposed to a person, whether the father or mother, to act in such a way that negates the other person’s ability to choose either option. And of course, there are examples on both sides of the line of an unscrupulous person acting in such a way as to void the other person’s ability to choose. I would love to hear ideas on how to prevent these specific incidences without affecting the rights of others (example: gun control. How do we stop criminals from having guns without preventing honest people from owning guns). But in the case of pregnancy itself, women hold the weight of the risks and responsibilities and therefore should be given the weight of the choice.

Is it equal, no. But then neither is biology. Find a way to create equal footing between the genders in this area, and then I’ll rethink my opinion.

photo credit: Mr. Theklan

Hypothesis: A person is able to make and maintain green, sustainable changes to their lifestyle despite harsh restrictions on time and income.

Objective: To return to the green, healthy and sustainable lifestyle I previously had when income and time were less of a concern.

Step 1: Food.

Objective: Begin eating healthier, homemade foods.

Obstacles:

• Time: I am going to college full time, as well as working full time. I must fit in making homemade meals that are healthy while still maintaining enough time for school/work/study/sleep.
• Money: Despite working full time, it is only a minimum wage job. Living in a city where costs are high, this leaves me with barely enough money to cover bills. After budgeting I have roughly $100 per month to spend on food.

photo credit: Dainis Matisons

I’m not ready to make a big leap back into blogging again, but I thought I’d make a short update to let people know what’s been going on in my life lately.

First off, I’m back in college. I’m working to get a degree in social work and hope to get a job working with people with mental illnesses. Ideally, I’d love to get a degree in sociology, but short of becoming a professor there just isn’t much you can do with that degree. And we all know about the education budget cuts going on lately…

I’m also working full time. It’s a minimum wage gas station job, which barely pays enough to make the rent and buy groceries. OK, so it actually doesn’t get me enough for that either. Luckily, I’m cheap, resourceful, and get my $57 dollars a month in food stamps to stretch out. Ramen noodles, for breakfast lunch and dinner!

I’ve been putting my (little) free time to good use as much as I can. I joined Circle K International, a community service organization. I signed up to volunteer at a local homeless shelter for children and single mothers. And today I joined in the Occupy Austin protest (a local branch of the Occupy Wall Street protests) by making signs for the protesters in the park. I’m lucky to have this Thursday off, which is when we will take over city hall.

I’ve given up quite a few things as well. Some might have noticed that I’m no longer using Twitter. I do occasionally post on Facebook, though it’s mostly just songs and links to news stories. I’m not putting myself out there right now. I’ve also given up any kind of dating or relationships. I feel like I’ve spent my entire life chasing some man, hoping to find one that will love me just to prove that I’m lovable. So many things I could have been doing with my life, so much time wasted chasing some fairy tale dream.

I’m already 30, going to be 31 in a few months. I feel like I’m a race with the clock to get as much out of life as I can now. Now, before it’s too late. I’m dedicating my time to making myself a better person, to finding out who I really am, to live my passions.

Go on alone, because I won’t follow
But this isn’t giving up no this is letting go
Out with the old dreams I’ve borrowed
The path I carve from here on out will be my own
A path to take me home

Go on alone, ’cause I won’t follow.
This isn’t giving up, no this is letting go
Out with the old dreams I’ve borrowed
The path I carve from here on out will be my own
The path will be my own

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

[Pre-Chorus:]
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

[Chorus:]
I’ll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!

[Chorus]

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done

photo credit: marfis75

Dates are supposed to be simple. You go out for a cup of coffee, or a nice dinner, you talk, you laugh, you go to your separate homes with hopefully plans for a second date.

But that’s fairy tale land when you have issues. In here, dates take on a whole new meaning.

First, there was Henry. An oh so sweet and laid back guy, divorced, who ran his own business. We went to the park, watched the ducks, and talked until it got dark. Then I threw myself at him and we had sex, twice. Of course, that only triggers me into being a sociopath. So the next day I called him and ranted that he was only after sex, which pushed him away. Then, when he didn’t call for out appointed second date, I called him again and left a long rant about what a jerk he was.

Never heard from him again.

Next came Zach. He came over, we talked on the balcony, things seemed great. Then one kiss lead to a blowjob, and he didn’t show or call for the second date. Which, of course, meant I left several long text messages calling him a jerk.

Never heard from him again.

Then came Mitchell. We went out to eat at a nice restaurant. Then, despite not really being into him, we went to his house. Which of course lead to sex and a blowjob. At least this time I expected not to hear from him again.

Lastly was John. We met for coffee, then spent the day walking and talking. Then back to my place, where he kissed me, and… you know the story. It seemed perfect, until the next day he said he wasn’t ready to date yet. And I started crying and said several hateful things. Because in my head it’s black and white, there’s no concept that he likes me but isn’t ready to date. Nope, it must be that he hates me.

Welcome to my fucked up life. Where I jump into bed too quickly, expect the guy to fall in love with me, then lose my shit when things don’t work out perfectly. When I can’t see the subtle nuances of emotion, it’s either all love or all hate. Where rejection of any kind feels like rejection of me as a person and cuts me to my core. Where I can jump from being infatuated with one guy, to hating myself, to infatuation with the next guy in 24 hours or less.

When I said I had issues, I meant it.

Welcome to crazy-land, population me.

From PsychCentral:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
• Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
• Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

That I don’t cry myself to sleep every night knowing what a waste of space I am.

That I don’t look in the mirror every day with nothing but rage and hatred.

I live and breath based on what other people think of me, because I can’t think anything good about myself.

I’m a fuck up.

I just want someone to love me. For once, to just love me instead of hating me. Too look past my flaws and see a person. Because god knows I can’t do that for myself.

Because I hate every pound of flesh that makes up my body, I hate every though that makes up my mind.

I’m a fuck up.

That’s all I’ll ever be.

Things have been busy for me lately. Good busy, but busy nonetheless.

I finally got a job. After thousands of resumes and applications sent, Walmart was the only one willing to take a chance on someone with no experience doing much. It sucks, but around here getting any job is a reason to celebrate. Starting next week I’ll be part time in the jewelry department.

Part time works great because *drumroll* I’m going back to college. After years of dreaming, I’m finally taking the leap and going back to finish my education. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but with three kids under feet I assumed I wouldn’t be able to do for another 20 years. Now it looks like I’ll be able to go back and finally make something of myself. With a degree I can get a real job, feel better about myself, and be more financially stable for my kids.

I’ve also jumped into internet dating. I had a bad few experiences, but I’m learning to take the bad with the good. It’s a good way to meet new people, not just for dating but also to get to know more people in my new city. Plus, it seems I’m hot. I’ve suddenly got a half dozen guys emailing me daily wanting to go out. Me? Hot? Who knew!

Work, school, dating, I know it all seems like too much right now. But I’ve got to jump back into my life now or I’ll always be too afraid to. The meds I’m on now are working wonderfully, I don’t feel depressed and I’m seeing things more clearly than I have in years. My counselor is a dream, she’s like the grandma I wish I had. I feel alive, and it’s time to take back my life.

From the book The Buddha & The Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder Through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Buddhism, & Online Dating:

Somewhere in this process, I begin to understand that my progress and stability aren’t just because of my management of my BPD symptoms. It’s as much due to the environment, again confirming Lineham’s idea that the disorder is created, and can be dismantled, in the context of relationships (1993a). Seemingly mundane aspects of life that so many people take for granted – having a job, a relationship, a place to live – are as critical to my recovery as learning skills and being in treatment. They form a structure that keeps me from falling backward.

“Each new challenge,” Dr. Crabtree comments, “brings with it another destablization and potential loss. And so as you get ‘better,’ there’s an ongoing need for more support, not less.”

photo credit: aussiegall

I had a crazy dream last night, one that I can’t shake loose. I have a feeling that it means something, but I can’t figure out what. Any dream interpreters what to help me solve it?

My ex husband and I were both thrown in prison. The prison was surrounded by a swamp that was full of poisonous snakes and crocodiles, and the only safe way out was to take a train that came in and out daily. My ex decides he wants out, so he breaks out and escapes. I’m terrified that he’s going to die because of how dangerous the swamp is, I think it’s safer in the prison. I beg to the guards to go find him before he gets killed, but they say it’s his choice to die in the swamp.

I get a posse together and we steal a train to go out into the swamp to find him. I’m searching and searching, but he’s no where to be found. Finally we leave the swamp and enter a small town. We stop at an empty house and decide to settle there for a while. But I can’t give up looking for my ex husband, who I am certain is in grave danger in the swamp. I realize I don’t have my cell phone on me, but I have John’s phone with me (the guy I was seeing after my divorce). I try calling my ex husband’s phone but it says he is out of the service area. So I decide to go into the swamp myself to find him.

I come to cliff with what looks like a lake below. I decide to jump to try to continue searching for me ex husband. But as I’m falling I realize the lake is actually a tar pit. Just before I hit the tar I woke up.

So….

Was the prison our marriage? Am I scared of life outside the marriage, but willing to go there to find him? What’s with using my ex boyfriend’s cell phone instead of mine? And why did I jump into the lake only to find out it’s a tar pit?