Finding The Peace

How to Impact the Terrain of Political Strife

2018-11-08T07:01:00.000-06:00

In this era of political devise, polarization on so many fronts, hatefulness, lack of tolerance and violence, it seems we need some ways to contribute to the good of all. It can feel like a hopeless cause as we don’t feel as if we have any impact in the drama unfolding each day. It is certainly easy to get caught up in all of this and become obsessed with the daily happenings yet that can leave us feeling anxious, angry and fearful.

I do feel like we can contribute and make a difference in this unsettled terrain we currently live in. It would start with what our “internal terrain” looks like. Is there unsettledness, anxiety, anger and hatefulness within our own self? Can we work to maintain a peace-filled environment that becomes symbolic of what we want to see in the world we live?

It seems clear that our real work, regardless of which side of the issue we land, is to “be the change we want to see” – as Ghandi so wisely put it. We can use this to be the beacon of light to guide us and remind us how not to get caught up in the rhetoric so much, but instead to always make choices in how we respond. We make these deliberate and conscious responses by remembering our values and how we want to live.

Let’s face it. How we choose to live internally needs to be symbolic of the community, state and nation that we want to see. To me this means we have to choose to be the peace, love, kindness and compassion within our self so that this can reflect out into the rest of the world.

It is exceptionally difficult because the outside rhetoric can keep us upset, worked up and anxious. This is why I continue to practice mindfulness and extend the course opportunity to others. I feel like this tool, practicing mindfulness is needed more than ever right now. It teaches how to recognize that you are having a stress reaction within yourself and then gives the tools needed to make choices to respond in a way that is not reactive.

Let’s imagine that how you feel internally actually does impact your environment, whether at home, work and within your community. If you react to everything that comes across your path in a day, it impacts your internal space. If you begin to catch yourself going into a reactive state and make choices that align with your values and what you want to see in the world, you are contributing to making the state of affairs better. So be the peace you want to see. Start with yourself. Let your desire for peace within be your moral compass for what you extend out.

Ding, Double Click, Dopamine Dump

2017-08-07T16:16:00.000-05:00

Ding. Chime. Notification received. Perhaps we continue through our moment. But our brains caught it, received it and responded. We were alerted. The dopamine was dumped. Conditionally we learn to respond to our phones through the notifications we receive.

Ding. Dopamine dump. Respond. Ding. Dopamine dump. Respond. No ding. Quiet. Pick up the phone and check. What did I miss? Precisely the moment you are living in real life, right now. Here. The moments not in the phone world, or social media front. The living breathing moment in your life now.

Chemically, we are reinforced to be engaged on our phones and technology which is a concerning piece of information. A dopamine dump happens in response to the alerts that come in from your phone and other devices. Dopamine use to be thought of as the “pleasure giving” chemical released in your brain. Research has found that this is actually the opioid system that gives us pleasure. The dopamine system motivates you with “pleasure seeking” behaviors. Pleasure seeking behaviors include searching, seeking out, desiring more. Dopamine effects your general level of arousal and goal directed behaviors which when you think about it, are critical to our daily life. The dopamine process sets you up to do basic things and elevates you to be creative and curious, developing new things. (Weinschenk & Wise, 2012)

There needs to be a balance between the two systems (dopamine and opioid) between “wanting” and “liking” that chemically keeps us going. With our technology, we are amping up the "pleasure-seeking" behaviors. We are continually searching, seeking out and desiring more - double clicking. We need to shut off the dopamine process – or put it on pause – in order to allow the opioid system to reward us and give us pleasure. With the quick response to our texts, twitters, we have immediate gratification and are quickly moving back into the behavior-searching mode. If you don’t put this process on pause, you begin to do a looping through the dopamine system. It is a matter of seeking constantly, getting rewarded, and seeking again. The constant stimulation of the dopamine dump can be exhausting and addictive.

We need to be aware. More and more we are required through our work, etc. to be on technology. We leave work and come home to be on it. Our children are surrounded with it. We need to take steps to make sure we are not setting ourselves up for looping and developing an addiction to our technology. Here are some ideas for managing the technology world.

First, you can turn off your notifications. Although these notifications can be a nice feature, they often prevent us from staying focused and centered on our task at hand. Even when we aren’t checking in after being notified, we are still getting the dopamine response and being distracted. Turn off all visual and auditory cues. Check your phone and computer less often. Be deliberate. Set it aside waiting the deliberate time you establish for checking emails (maybe twice a day). When you are with real live people, put the phone away. Reply later, maybe hours later. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Have technology-free zones such as when you are eating or when you are in bed. Turn off your phone when you are driving, in meetings or spending time with your children. Fill in time when you are bored with other activities such as reading, meditating, working out or putting a puzzle together. Remove social media apps from your phone so you can only access it on the computer. (Smith, Robinson, & and Segal, 2016). We can gain a lot from our technology world. However, we have to manage it, just like anything else or it can be a set up for losing ourselves and what we have in our real world. Take the necessary steps to keep things in order so they are enjoyable not consuming your life.

Works Cited

Smith, M., Robinson, L., & and Segal, J. (2016, December 31). http://www.helpguide.org/articles/addiction/smartphone-and-internet-addiction.htm. Retrieved from Helpguide.org.

Weinschenk, S., & Wise, B. (2012, Sept 11). https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brain-wise/201209/why-were-all-addicted-texts-twitter-and-google. Retrieved from www.psychologytoday.com.

Death – The Shock Stage

2017-06-03T14:00:00.000-05:00

My dad died March 15, 2017 at 3:51 p.m. By a chance of fate, I was with him when he died. It seemed that the minute or two leading to his final breath were in slow motion and went on forever, suspended in time, as we approach the finality of his time here. Frozen in that moment, my husband and I stood there by his bedside, holding him. Again, what might have been only seconds gave into a feeling of a long, long pause. The world stopped at 3:51pm. The world we knew. The quiet of the moment quickly left as we “came to” enough to realize we had to communicate with the others who had been holding vigil. Trying to come back into the reality was tough, as we were both numb, shocked. Now what? My husband called my brother to let him know and asked him to go pick up our mother who had not left our dad’s bedside, except only minutes before after being encouraged to go get some rest while we sat with dad.

In a quiet, surreal place, we sat with dad until mom arrived – time stood still. I wasn’t tracking time or anything, as my mind was “offline”. Even with all the expectation of dad’s impending death, at this moment there was no thinking, or planning or organizing. It was just walking through the motions as we did one task at a time. At one point, as people gathered by my dads bedside, my sister-in-law took my mom’s phone and began calling people as they had planned she would. I didn’t do anything. I just was there watching the scene, feeling sensory overload, not really in the scene, frozen.

And as we gathered together in dad’s room, others started arriving – dad’s priest, the hospice social worker and nurse and then, finally, the mortuary staff. The vigil continued until dad left and then with nothing more to do, feeling the stark void, we headed to our home place where people were gathering. It is all a blur.

In my sensory overload state, I couldn’t help but notice as family gathered, the room began to fill. Watching from afar, as I sat there in the midst, I noted the phones going off throughout the room, loud and intrusive. The noise level continued to build with a crescendo as the conversation picked up speed and volume. The calls for each family member, from their own circle of people, were rolling in. As if managing the calls on one phone weren’t enough, people were calling my mom and she would hand me the phone. Holding two phones, I would talk to her caller, but then she would decide she could talk too. The connections in that moment, went way beyond managing it. We just did our best to respond, going through the movements. At moments, I would retreat. Needing quiet I would take a moment and disappear to the next room, in my mom’s bedroom. Staying there only for a minute or two, or five or ten, I am not sure, before going back out into the family room.

Everyone does grief differently. Everyone experiences death differently. Of course, this death was my dad. And even if it was the right order, (He was 84 years old and the first one to die in our family, including extended family on both sides.), and he was, “Now out of pain,” and “Now in a better place.” And “It was for the best.” And “He was out of his suffering.” And, “He lived a good life.” And all those things people say to you . . . all those things that make some sense, didn’t make sense at this moment.

All of this was part of the sensory overload, my shock symptoms. Too many people, too much noise, too many connections via phone conversations and texts. No time to sit and be still. Let’s talk about dad. Let’s share some memories. Can we just sit still and talk about dad, our dad, the dad that raised us, taught us so much, shared his values with us, disappointed us at times, made us proud, always supported us? Whatever the feelings – can we just talk? Everyone does their grief differently. Some want to talk. Some want to distract from the raw pain by doing things that don’t matter or doing the things that do matter. Some want to avoid it altogether and leave. Some, like me, want to talk about it with those I am closest to, with those that have the same memories. Some, like me, find they have no energy to take care of anyone else at the moment. They just can’t do it. They can’t worry about making others feel better. Some experience all of the above at different points. Some have other ways to deal with their pain. Some aren’t feeling anything right now and going through the motions is the easiest way to get through it. Most do experience feelings of numbness. How can we let this in all at once? It is our protection.

There is no right or wrong to the grief process. I do think it is important to be mindful of what you, yourself, are experiencing, and honor it. I was surprised at how I didn’t have the energy to give to anyone. I wasn’t able to answer emails and text messages. I finally sat down to answer text messages a week or two later. I didn’t have it in me to talk to anyone unless talking to that person would give me energy. I had one friend who had a similar story as my dad’s story, text me and I wanted to connect with her. I wanted to talk to my cousin who had some stories to tell me about my dad. But mostly, I didn’t want to talk to people. I didn’t want to “chat”. I didn’t have it in me to make people feel more comfortable with the raw pain of death. So I honored that and took my time.

I thought I had accepted the inevitable and was ready for dad to move on. He had no quality of life with his disease. It wasn’t until his death, that I could really allow myself to grieve; grieve all that was slowly taken away these past two years, grieve the loss of my dad and all he brought to my world during his lifetime; grieve the person that is no longer here. Of course, in my shock state I have only begun this process. I hope to be accepting of where I am in the moment, not judging of it, but aware in a mindful way of what stage I might be in, what my needs are in the moment, and give myself permission to be wherever I am at this moment. After all, in death that is all we really can do.

Boost your Brain in 2017 – Be Silent

2017-01-01T10:14:00.000-06:00

As I write this, our Mindful Approach to Living course is going on and we are getting ready for the day-long retreat – a Day of Silence. I love the idea of dedicating a “Day of Silence” on a regular basis. The course is designed to develop a habit of committing to a moment of silence, daily, through the formal practice of mindfulness – sitting in silence, focusing on our breath, and being in the here and now. It is a time that we shut off our phones, don’t let anything interrupt us, and sit, silently, intentionally focused on the here and now –perhaps by focusing on the breath, the body, or just dwelling in choiceless awareness – being aware of all that is going on in our moment. The day-long retreat is an opportunity to extend the practice of being silent for the day. It is hoped that after completing the eight-week course, participants have developed a pattern of sitting for a committed period of time, daily. It is through this process of developing the habit of sitting that we may find ourselves yearning for that “sitting” time, this time of silence as we experience coming home to ourselves over and over again.

If that isn’t enough to entice us to consider the practice of having some silence, silence apparently has more for us than the possibility of peace of mind. Studies show that silence has positive effects on our brains. Silence produces new brains cells, activates brain memory and encourages self-reflection. (Mikel, 2016) This might not be all that surprising if you consider that research has correlated noise levels to increased rates of sleep lost, heart disease and tinnitus. (Gross, 2016) Other studies have linked noise pollution with hearing loss as well.

These results of the benefits of silence surprised scientists as they were initially focusing on the effects of noise on the brain. They used various types of noises: short bursts of sound, music or white noise. The control group of mice who had two hours of silence per day showed the brain changes. (Rosca, 2016) Another study found changes in the brain during the pauses between the noise – when the environment was quiet. (Mikel, 2016) In the first study, two hours of silence per day prompted cell development in the hippocampus. This is the area of the brain that is related to the formation of memory involving the senses. The control group of mice that had silence showed the changes in the brain that were long-lasting. Scientists are hopeful that these findings may lead to potential treatments for dementia or depression. But regardless, it can impact us right now in our daily lives.

Other research findings found that people with short periods of “noiselessness” between sounds were in a more relaxed state. (Rosca, 2016) The other side of this is that noise is auditory stimulation and it impacts us. Noise forces our brain to listen to the sounds and process it whether we are aware or not. Sounds waves vibrate the ear bone, transmitting this movement to the cochlea. The cochlea transmits this to the brain through electrical signals. The body reacts to these signals deeply even in the midst of sleep. Research shows that sound first activates the amygdalae, clusters of neurons in the temporal lobes which are associated with memory formation and emotion. This activation prompts immediate release of stress hormones such as cortisol. People who experience a consistently loud environment, home or at work, often experience high levels of stress hormones in their system. (Gross, 2016)

Nonetheless, we all have a lot of noise going on in our world in many different mediums. It is time to pay attention to this situation. True silence is becoming a difficult commodity to happen upon. We have to decide to make it a priority and instill quiet time into our lives. With that opportunity of silence, we are allowed the opportunity to listen to what is going on inside us and have time for self-reflection and just being with ourselves. What better gift could we give ourselves in 2017 than connecting with ourselves?

References

Gross, D. A. (2016, July 7). www.nautil.us/issues/30/noise/this-is-your-brain-on-silence-rp. Retrieved from www.nautilus.us.

Mikel, B. (2016, July 11). www.inc.com/betsy-mikel/your-brain-benefits-most-when-you-listen-to-absolutely-nothing-science-says.html. Retrieved from www.inc.com.

Rosca, J. (2016, July 13). http://www.natureworldnews.com/articles/25132/20160713/true-silence-creates-new-brain-cells-improves-memory.htm. Retrieved from www.natureworldnews.com.

Really Be “Home” for the Holidays- Be Mindful.

2016-11-21T16:01:00.004-06:00

It’s that time of the year again. The holidays are upon us and many of us will undoubtedly be saying, “Where did the year go?” or, “I can’t believe it is time for the holidays again.” And as we recount the holidays of the last few years, what do we actually recall? What mattered?

For this holiday season, I am invoking the commitment to spend my time being as present as possible. That means that I am going to be working on being aware of the moment at hand, observing, and being present, here and now. It is so easy to get checked in with my thoughts that ultimately lead, one thought to another, and soon I am on the train of thoughts leading down the tracks of a future fear or worry. These thoughts often lead to an adrenaline dumping response such as, “I have too much to do and not enough time to get it all done” or “I wish I didn’t have to do this.” Or, “How will I get it all done?” Those thoughts, thoughts of worry and anxiety of the future, take my moments from the here and now and carry me off on a train that leads me down the track of nowhere that will bring peace of mind or peace in the moment.

Or we might get on the train of the past, thoughts with family gatherings bringing up our old tapes and family dynamics, past family wounds, thought of missing a certain loved one as we remember when they were here. Or it may be the thoughts about how we wish our family unit looked more like others. We may find ourselves on the train of thoughts playing out the narratives that we imagine will play out and how we plan to respond if Aunt Jo dare say just one more thing about my weight again. But without a doubt, getting on that train, past or future, takes me from my moment here and now. It takes me away from the present now. And the present is all I have and it is where peace of mind can be found. So how does one keep themselves present in the here and how?

1^st. Be aware, observing thoughts and feelings and noticing the thoughts and feelings. Start to notice when I get on the train of the past or the future rather than being present right here and right now. Realize we are not our thoughts. We are not our feelings. Nor are our thoughts or our feelings the fact. They are just thoughts and feelings.

2^nd. Go into moments of here and now with no expectations. Expectations often come from judgments. If I assume I know what is good or bad, (which is a label and a judgment) then I also want something to be a certain way. If I just notice what is here and now and observe it, but don’t label it as good or bad, I can be in the moment and participate in that moment fully. Through fully participating we can actually remember what we did during that moment because we weren’t on a train of thoughts around the past or the future. Nor were we busy rejecting our moment or attaching to a “high” moment because we wanted something to go a certain way. Just be in the moment, observe it, and neutrally participate in it. Just as the highs come, so do the lows, but if we cannot be partial to them, we can just let ourselves be in the moment.

3^rd. Take time during this season to have your own quiet time, your own meditation time, as well as your own self-care. Keep yourself revive and nourished so you stay energized and able to manage the stress of the holiday season. Self-care is more necessary when time and activities are escalated. Monitor your sleep, your food intake, your exercise and keep yourself from being vulnerable. If we are less vulnerable we have the energy and the skills to manage our stress in a much more effective way.

4^th. Each day find something to dwell in gratitude about. Appreciating what we have, dwelling on our positive things can shift our mood and our perspectives. Find those little moments that you can enjoy and sit in them, relishing them.

And finally, just be “home” for the holidays in the here and now. No matter where you are at, be present, observe, notice. Use your senses to keep you present in your moment - smell the scents, hear the sounds, taste the foods, feel the textures, watch the scenery playing out in front of you. Make a choice to “really be home” for the holidays and you may find the holidays to be more laid back, easy going, and enjoyable than ever before. And you might actually remember the season as you walked solidly through each moment. Here’s to your moments this season. And by the way, when Aunt Jo make the comment about your weight, notice the thoughts you have, notice the feelings you have. And then let them go, they are just thoughts, they are just feelings. We don’t have to do anything with them when they arise. Go back to being present in the moment.

Be the Change You Want to See

2016-11-16T14:23:00.000-06:00

As we, one nation, work to come together and move forward after a difficult political battle, I am grasping for guidance in what comes next. I see and hear about the polarization, the fears, the wounding in families, the separation that has blanketed our citizens. And on some level, it feels overwhelming and useless for me, as one being, to make a difference in what appears to be this huge abyss.
It has been said that the outside world is but a reflection of our inner world. And to that end, it is scary. What are we to do with this chaos, this lack of understanding towards each other, this pain that some carry and others disregard? How do we move forward to make a difference in this process?

I can only think that Gandhi had the route spelled out for us, “Be the change you want to see.” So that means to step up, realize that if I am part of the polarization, I am part of the separation. Our work is to come together regardless of what side the other is on. Inciting more hate, more pain, more separation is not going to bring the balm we all yearn for. If we fear hate, we must respond with love. There is no other alternative. It requires us to put our ego away, and “live” our convictions. Be the change we want to see. Step into it and begin now to do the hard work. Be loving toward those that you find it difficult. Care about each person, even those that frustrate you. Put the judgments away. Work towards understanding of the other so that they, in turn, may work towards understanding you. We must start somewhere, so maybe if we each start with our own self, we will, together, begin to bring light into this very difficult time with one encounter at a time.

Grief and Healing Your Broken Heart

2016-10-27T08:46:00.000-05:00

Grief is a tough one. None of us are immune. Sooner or later we will all be hit with loss. Grief is our natural response to loss in our lives. It is the emotional suffering we feel when something or someone we love is no longer with us or has been taken away from us. Any loss can bring about grief. Divorce and/or relationship breakups, loss of a job, death of a pet, loss of a friendship, loss of safety after a trauma, and/or the death of someone we love are some of the losses that may bring about grief and the need to work at healing.

Grief is the process by which we adjust to the loss. Grief does not have any short cuts so you need to realize that it is essential to your future mental health to grieve immediately and for as long as it takes. The more significant the loss, the more intense the emotional response. The loss of someone close may be quite traumatic and bring about raw, overwhelming pain that may make a person wonder if he/she will get through the moment. Experiencing symptoms with a period of intense sadness, social withdrawal, difficulty concentrating, and other dysphoric affect is normal, often presenting very much like those symptoms seen in Major Depression.

Let’s face it – losing someone we are close to has a major impact in our lives. If that person played a central role in our lives, then we may have oriented much of our day, our activities, our thoughts and our life around that person. We were hardwired with that person. Regrouping and figuring out how to navigate through takes time. There are no short cuts. You don’t “get over” death.

There are different schools of thought regarding the stages of grief and how you will move through your grief. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross talks about the five stages of grief: denial, anger bargaining, depression and acceptance. (Kubler-Ross, 1969) Dr. Roberta Temes and Geoffrey Gorer talk about three stages: numbness, disorganization and reorganization. (Temes, 1980) J. William Worden proposed four tasks of grief; accept the reality of the loss, process your grief and pain, adjust to the world without your loved on in it, and find a way to maintain a connection to the person who died while embarking on your own life. (Stang, 2012) Regardless, grief will come to an end when you see some light at the end of the tunnel. You will still feel the loss, but you will survive the process and get through it. It will not be easy and it will take some time. it will not be orderly and predictable. But you will get through it.

The first part of the process of grief is shock and numbness, when you try to reorient yourself to find some semblance that may make some sense. At this point in your process, the shock and numbness probably give you protection, allowing you to go through the motions of the process without taking in more than you can really handle. You may find yourself in this stage for several months. You may also be overcome with feelings of disbelief, anger, guilt, sadness, anxiety, depression, relief, dreams and physical symptoms.

One important step is to find support after loss. This may mean you turn to friends or family members, allowing those who care about you to be there for you. Do not be afraid to ask for help, or let others attend to you. Tell people what you need. Often people draw comfort from their religious community and the traditions that come from this. Joining a support group may help if you are feeling lonely and will give you a way to share your sorrow with others who are struggling with the similar losses. Or you may want to talk to a mental health professional or a grief counselor. This can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving.

Because it may look like “depression”, you may consider medication to help you with the symptoms. Normal grief generally doesn’t warrant the use of antidepressants. Medication may relieve some of the symptoms but it will not treat the cause, which is the loss. Coupled with the fact that when you numb the pain, you still, eventually, have to work through that pain when you go off the medications and the numbing goes away.

Grieving is personal and shouldn’t be compared to others. Your process is your own. The grieving process takes time and healing happens gradually. There is no forcing this process and there is no timetable to say what is the normal time for grieving. So don’t worry about what others say, or what you think you should be doing. Wherever you are in the process is exactly where you should be.

What we do know is that you need to do your grieving. You don’t want to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing as this will just make it worse for you and delay your healing process. Feeling sad and lonely is normal. Crying is not a sign of weakness. Let yourself be authentic and real and show your true feelings as this is probably helpful to all who were a part of your loved one’s life. If you are not a person who cries, that does not mean you aren’t grieving; you may have other ways of showing it. There is no time table for how long you will feel the intense grief. Allow yourself the process and you will eventually come out on the other side of it. I will be following up this article with some more tips on managing grief in the next edition.

Works Cited

Kubler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying. New York: Simon & Schuster/Touchstone.

Stang, D. (2012, July 7). www.alliance of hope. Retrieved from http://www.allianceofhope.org/blog_/2012/07/the-4-tasks-of-grief.html.

Temes, R. (1980). Living with an empty chair. New York City: New Horizon Press.

Change the Hardwiring in Your Brain – Be Happy

2016-10-16T19:45:00.002-05:00

One of the Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills (Linehan, 2015) we work on in our groups is accumulating positive experiences. Accumulating positive experiences is a skill that encourages you to increase your positive experiences, both short term, such as daily, and long term, such as planning for a vacation you want to do. Having positive experiences improves our mood and allows us to manage difficult times better. It also makes us feel better about ourselves and gives us a better outlook on life which, in itself, gives us more stability to take on life. So consider having these positive experiences daily.

Short term ideas for positive experiences can be as simple as taking a long hot bath, walking the dog, reading a book, having a nice conversation with a friend, etc. You build the experiences into your day. You notice them. You enjoy them. I would go so far as to think about being thirsty and enjoying that drink of water as you focus on it going down your throat. Think about putting the feeling on like a suave and soaking it in. Relishing in it. Being in the moment. Enjoying it. Working to move it from a moment to wiring and firing it together, activating that part of the brain that enjoys life. Make the moment a good moment. Move it from a moment to hard-wire the brain. If negative thoughts come in, such as wondering when this is going to end, or you don’t deserve it, notice the thoughts, let them go, and go back to being focused on the moment of positive experience.

I like thinking and working on this skill because science backs this up. It reminds me of Rick Hanson’s work regarding Hardwiring Happiness. (Hanson, 2013) It also falls into line with Shawn Achor’s, Before Happiness: The 5 Hidden Keys to Achieving Success, Spreading Happiness, and Sustaining Positive Change. (Achor, 2013) According to both Hanson and Achor, being in the positive moments, experiences, in our life in the moment actually changes the brain when we let them in and really be present with them.

Achor gives us five things to practice daily for 21 days to create a habit (which would help to create the hardwiring). These include everyday writing down three things you are grateful for in the morning, writing for five minutes about a positive experience you had in the last 24 hours, meditating and doing a random act of kindness.

Hanson encourages us to sit in the good moment for at least 10 seconds to make sure that wiring and firing happens and gets transferred to our long-term memory He states that when the synapses are firing and wiring, they become more sensitive with new synopses developing, which allows that area of the brain to become even stronger the next time it is activated, allowing us to feel even better.

I have a visual image of creating pathways in our brain for happiness and joy, like pruning through the pathways, clearing them out and making them easier to access. Hansen’s work centers around the theory that we have to bask in the enjoyment of the good moments long enough for them to fire and wire together. The longer we fixate, or focus on the positive moment, the more the neurons are going to wire that inner strength that brings those feelings of happiness, gratitude, feeling loved and being lovable. So even in the difficult times, it is important to find something in the day to experience a good moment, even if it is enjoying the sunset or the fresh air on our face.

Start today to hard wire and activate more areas in your brain for happiness It is exciting to think that we can work our way through difficult moments slowly but surely by focusing on accumulating positive moments and experiences. Through those efforts our brain will actually change and move towards activating a more positive mood.

Works Cited

Achor, S. (2013). Before happiness: The 5 hidden keys to achieving success, spreading happiness, and sustaining positive change. New York: Crown Business.

Hanson, R. (2013). Hardwiring happiness: the new brain science of contentment, calm, and confidence. New York: Crown Publishers.

Linehan, M. (2015). DBT skills training manual. New York: The Guilford Press.

90 Second Emotion Rule

2016-10-10T07:57:00.000-05:00

Most people haven’t thought about emotions being a chemical response in the body. However, according to Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, when we are emotionally triggered, it takes less than 90 seconds for an emotion to get triggered, surge chemically through the blood stream, and then get flushed out. Dr. Taylor, a brain researcher who wrote the book, My Stroke of Insight, suffered a stroke herself at the age of 37 years. She studied her own brain through her experience of having a stroke, her recovery, and the insights she discovered. (Taylor, 2006)

Dr. Bolte learned that the automatic and chemical responses in our body, as an emotion moves through us, even when the emotion is extreme, cannot last longer than 90 seconds. So when something in our environment happens to trigger an emotional response, chemicals are dumped into our system, putting our body on full alert. For our body to release these chemicals and totally flush them out of our system, it takes 90 seconds or less. (Taylor, 2006) Most of us probably have a hard time understanding this because we have experienced life in a different way when our emotions did last longer than 90 seconds.

There are several things to consider with this information. There must be a way to manage emotions without being stuck in the pain of them if they really only last 90 seconds or less. And stuffing emotions probably isn’t the most effective way to deal with our emotions either.

Bolte states that it is up to us if we want to stay in the emotional circuitry through our thoughts. She calls this the 90 Second Emotion Rule. After the emotion has flushed through, we can decide if we want to continue in the circuitry of the emotion. We can reactivate our emotional circuitry with our thoughts.

In DBT we call this “Sticky Thoughts”. These are the thoughts that stick to an event and keep us in rumination mode. So with this 90 second emotion information, we might want to consider using our mindfulness skills to observe the emotions that come up and allow them to release without attaching thoughts to the emotion. Staying attuned to the emotion in the moment would better serve us in being more effective in our day than being on autopilot and cruising through without noticing the thoughts that take us into the emotional circuitry. In our mindfulness, we can observe the thoughts that allow us to “take it” or “leave it”.

This means that if feelings of worry, guilt, shame come rolling in, we can allow them to come in, flush through our system and decide that they do not serve us. Allow the feelings to be done after they have completed the circuitry loop. They are absurd and we don’t have to be caught in thinking thoughts about them to keep them activated. Move on. It is only a feeling.

It may also mean we want to consider if stuffing emotions serves us. If we stuff our emotions, resist expressing them, those chemicals remain in our body and we have to do something to manage them whether it is emotionally eating, drinking, shopping, keeping busy so we can’t sit down, etc. Fighting emotions, resisting them, means we have to continue to “keep a lid on them”. This takes energy. Anyone can tolerate a feeling for 90 seconds. Consider sitting down and letting the feeling come up and roll through you. Ride the wave of the emotion and then let it go. The workbook, Me and My Volcano , is a book we use to teach kids to allow emotions to be expressed rather than holding them in (which may seem safer at the time if they have the experience of releasing and expressing emotions appropriately later. If not, then the stuffing becomes dangerous as the feelings pile up and then erupt – often over something so minute, only to hurt themselves and others. The idea is to give the emotions some voice even if it means some private journaling rather than stuffing it and avoiding it altogether. (Hage, 1999)

Bolte gave us a wonderful challenge and good insight regarding our emotions. They are important. They give us information about ourselves and where we are in the moment. We need to feel our feelings, observe them, release them, and then move on. We don’t have to get caught up in them. We don’t have to be afraid of them. Just let the feelings come, let them go and move on about your day.

Works Cited

Hage, D. (1999). Me and my volcano. Silverthorne: Parenting With Pizazz Publications.

Taylor, J. B. (2006). My stroke of Insight: a brains scientist's personal journey. New York: Penguin Group.

“Holding the Space” For Others - True Support

2016-05-09T07:23:00.000-05:00

As we walk through life, there are certainly times when we are face to face with situations that are very difficult to navigate or times when someone we love is navigating those choppy waters. Many times people draw back when someone they care about is dealing with a raw situation as they don’t know what to say, what to do, how to respond. Or if people don’t draw back, they may kick into action with words trying to support the best they know how. This may come about because they feel like they have to say something. So they begin with advice-giving or problem-solving with lots of information and ideas, or may even imply the person should know better in handling the situation.

Advice giving, although maybe meant well, is focused on fixing and tends to take away the person’s power, implying the person doesn’t know or can’t fix his/her life. Too much information through problem-solving may feel overwhelming, uninvited and doesn’t help the person feel supported or validated, nor does the person feel validated when there is an implication that he/she should know better. That tends to be shaming.

What you can do when someone you care about is struggling, is “hold the space” for him. Holding the space is about creating the space that will make it safe for the person to be with you as you walk the fire with him. In that walk, you allow him to be exactly where he is (no advice giving) and be who he is by allowing him to feel the way he feels. You validate him (understanding his feelings), giving gentle guidance if and when it fits, letting him navigate the path (not pushing for your outcome). You hold the space by taking on the humble honor of paying witness to the journey as you walk alongside him. Really it may be that you knock on his door and you sit with him, not saying much, but being with him. No expectations from him. Just sitting with him. Not filling in the silence. Maybe if you say something, you will be honest that you really don’t know what to say; you just want to be there for him. And then you just sit with him.

In that gesture, you don’t do or say things that will contribute to him feeling inadequate nor do you push towards a specific outcome. You just become the neutral witness, supporting lovingly, nonjudgmentally and unconditionally. I like to think about it as if you are just sitting with the person, maybe handing him a cup of tea, stoking the fire and keeping the blanket handy in case he gets chilled. That isn’t to say you will really do this. But symbolically, you will do this with his heart. You surround him with your loving attention, energy, and care. He feels cloaked in the warmth and love and support by you holding the space for his wounded heart.

Heather Plett talks about 8 lessons she has learned from holding the space for others and from people who have held the space for her. These tips might help make it clearer. The lessons are as follows:

Give people permission to trust their own intuition and wisdom.
Give people only as much information as they can handle.
Don’t take their power away. (Don’t take over the decision-making.)
Keep your own ego out of it. (Don’t get caught in the trap of believing that someone else’ success is dependent upon our intervention).
Make them feel safe enough to fail.
Give guidance and help with humility and thoughtfulness.
Create a container for emotions. (Make it safe enough for someone to share their emotions without feeling broken or shamed.)
Allow them to make different decisions and to have different experiences than you would. (Release control and honor the differences.) (Plett, 2015)

Although it may seem that “holding the space” for someone is a rather passive role, it is actually the opposite. You have to be strong, grounded and centered as you sit with a person who is struggling and raw. You have to be secure enough in yourself and your own emotions so that you can allow the other person to be secure in his own space. You have to be able to let him lead his own life, make his own decisions and pick himself up when he make mistakes and you help brush him off. The gift is that you support the person in his time of struggle as you sit with that person. You witness his journey, lovingly holding the space as he feels the support and care you extend to him as he tries to find and regain his footing from a very difficult time. The gift to you is that you are able to extend support to someone you care about in a very healing way. When we give, we are also the receiver. But we want to be giving in a way that is a gift for the other person.

Works Cited

Plett, H. (2015, March 11). What it means to "hold space" for people, plus eight tips on how to do it well. Retrieved from heatherplett.com.

Rehashing and Rehearsing

2016-02-14T20:22:00.000-06:00

My colleague, Susan Milner, and I just got back from another Mindfulness training. During the training session, the teacher used the words, “We often are either rehashing or rehearsing”. We are looking backwards or forward instead of gazing straight ahead and being in the moment.

We have all probably been there when we are going over and over an upsetting scenario in our mind. One thought leads to another thought and pretty soon we are on the train of thoughts down the track of darkness called “rehashing the past event”. It is a long dark tunnel of no return unless we recognize it and stop the train. We can lose hours in a day doing the rehashing of events.

Rehearsing is when we move towards figuring out and practicing, in our head, what we want to say to someone. It might even come from rehashing the event. We might move into practicing the scenario of the future – saying out loud or thinking all the things that come to mind that we want to say to make things right, change the person or change the outcome of an event. We might rehearse as we are listening to someone, getting ready to say what we want to respond back (which means we are not mindfully listening). This too works towards losing hours in a day as we are turned toward the future on another train of thoughts down the dark tunnel of rehearsing with no point of return unless we observe it and choose to stop and come back to the present moment.

Mindfulness is about keeping your attention here and now “on purpose”. It requires the practice of observing your thoughts and feelings and letting them come and go, but being aware of being present. As you notice your thoughts moving towards rehashing, you can gently direct yourself back to the present moment. The moment of “now”. If that seems difficult, focus on your breath. It truly can be difficult to be mindful and present in the moment which is why cultivating a discipline and practice of mindfulness is encouraged. Focusing on your breath, follow your breath with your attention as you inhale and exhale. Now you are back to the present moment. Focus on your breath, your senses, your environment, and whatever or whoever you are with in your moment. As you move into rehashing or rehearsing, notice and observe it, label it, and come back to the present – which is all we really have. Stay present in your moment, one breath at a time.

Janie Pfeifer Watson Self Esteem Versus Self Compassion

2016-02-03T09:19:00.001-06:00

Who Are You When You Die?

2016-01-03T16:46:00.000-06:00

When death comes to take our last breath from us, it doesn’t greet us by the title we earned at college or the rank we made our way up to in our business or work world. It doesn’t look at our socioeconomic status we arrived at, or the type of car we finally arrived home in. Death doesn’t look at what relationship titles we carried out, whose daughter/son, mother/ father, sister/brother, wife/husband we managed to be. Death strips us down, taking it all away.

I see this all too real as I watch my father in the nursing home that he has only been in for a few short months. All that hard earned effort to make it in the world has been stripped down to his core essence. Who are we when we die?

I recently had the honorable experience of participating in a seven day, teacher-led, mindfulness-based, silent retreat. I knew when I signed up for the retreat, I wanted to have no expectations for what the week might bring. The week was a profound experience. Silence for seven days. Silence meant no speaking to each other, no reading, no writing and no eye contact. There were about 60 participants. The retreat itself was quite structured as most of the day was structured around mindfulness based meditation – sitting and walking. It was interspersed with yoga exercise, mindfulness based eating times, tea times, and about two hours a day for free time. The structured days started at 7 a.m. and went to about 8:30 p.m. every night with meditative mindfulness-based moments.

We did have one small group time with our teacher in which we could speak and ask questions around our meditation practice. Our group processed some questions about death – first talking about our parents and the difficulty in watching the process of Alzheimer’s or other diseases take memory away from our parents. My teacher related how it felt when her own mother no longer realized she had a daughter. As difficult as it is to watch our parents fail, she related, it is harder still to look at our own death. She wondered if we were able to prepare for our own death and if we knew who we would be when we die. I pondered the question the entire week as we meditated. Who would I be when I die? Who are we when we take away our titles? Our belongings? All the things we attach meaning to that have no meaning when you die? Who would I be when I die?

It was amazing to me that I could spend seven days with 60 people in silence, without eye contact and yet really get to know people. I became aware of their energy, their kindnesses, my judgments, and how the little things others did made a big difference – which ultimately meant that the little things that I did – made a difference. That made a huge impact on me as I realized there are no acts too small of giving.

The last night of our retreat we had food, celebration and conversation. I seated myself randomly at a table with five others and although I really felt close to the people I was sitting with in knowing their essence, I did not know their names, their work, where they lived and what their lives were about. I was surprised to find myself at a table with another mental health practitioner, a CPA, a psychiatrist, a psychologist and a yoga master. It was then I realized that I had spent the week with the part of people that really mattered – their essence –is this who we are when we die – our values and our essence? This shows up in how we treat people and how we share and extend ourselves to others. This definitely has impact in other people’s lives and how they see you and relate to you. This seems like it may be who we are when we die.

I am going to make 2016 a year about remembering who I want to be when I die. Maybe you want to contemplate this question yourself. Figuring this out seems like a question well worth the effort earlier in life rather than later. We spend a lifetime striving for things that we think matter – it would be good to get that figured out before we get to the end. May you have a thoughtful, meditative and mindful 2016.

Self-Compassion versus Self-Esteem

2015-07-12T20:05:00.001-05:00

Back in the late 80’s we started hearing more and more about building self-esteem. We had a movement from then on that was about building self-esteem. The goal was to promote stable mental health and help people feel better about themselves. Self-esteem involves a global judgement about ourselves. It often means we have to “be better” than others to feel good about ourselves. Being average is unacceptable. That is a tough one because no matter how good we are at something, someone is always going to be better, look better or top what we just did. Comparing ourselves to another person is always a losing battle. In order to manage our self-esteem and feel better about ourselves, we have to inflate our own self-evaluation or put others down so we feel better about ourselves. (Neff K. , 2010). In fact, this whole movement of building self-esteem may have actually had a huge detrimental effect.

Low self-esteem correlates with poorer mental health as it has increased the likelihood of suicide attempts, as well as affecting the development of supportive social relationships. Research also shows that trying to raise low self-esteem artificially has increased tendencies toward narcissism, antisocial behavior and avoiding challenging activities that may threaten one’s self-concept. (Hayes, 2014) In fact, one of the consequences of the self-esteem movement over the last couple of decades is a narcissism epidemic. Jean Twenge, author of Generation Me, did the research studying the narcissism levels of over 15,000 U.S. college students between 1987 and 2006. During that 20-year time period, narcissism scores skyrocketed with 65% of the students scoring higher in narcissism than previous generations. This paralleled self-esteem levels which rose by an even greater margin over the same period. Added to this, self-esteem has been linked to aggression, prejudice and anger towards those who threaten someone’s sense of self-worth. Maybe this is why we also have a bullying epidemic going on right now - kids build up their egos by beating up other kids. (Neff K. , 2011)

Self-compassion provides greater emotional resilience and stability than self-esteem but doesn’t involve the self-evaluation, ego-defensiveness and self-enhancement as self-esteem. In other words, self-esteem involves assessing oneself positively and often this means there is a need to be special and above average. Self-compassion does not involve self-evaluation or comparison with others. It merely is a kind way to relate to ourselves even in our moments of failures or times of feeling inadequate or imperfect. (Neff K. , 2010) Self-compassion also has the same benefits as self-esteem (less depression, greater happiness, etc.) without its downsides. Self-compassion is not contingent on physical attractiveness or success. Self-esteem had a strong association with narcissism while self-compassion had no association with narcissism. Other studies have shown that, unlike self-esteem, self-compassion does not lead to blaming others in order to feel good about oneself. (Neff K. , 2011)

We all experience times when we have thoughts that are not positive about ourselves. We can’t prevent young people from experiencing insecurity and low self-esteem as we know already we haven’t been able to eliminate those feelings and thoughts within ourselves. People experience feeling inadequate or imperfect at times. It is part of the human experience. There is no way to protect our young people from social rejections, personal failures and family problems. The only thing we can do is to help them have the tools to deal with life when these things happen. We can help them to respond to self-doubt with self-compassion.

Dr. Kirstin Neff defines self-compassion as consisting of using three key strategies during times of personal suffering and failure:

1. Treating oneself kindly.

2. Recognizing one’s struggles as part of the shared human experience.

3. Holding one’s painful thoughts and feelings in mindful awareness.

With these steps it isn’t the content of your thoughts that is important. It is how you respond to your thoughts that matter. You become mindful of the thought that came up. If it is a negative thought about yourself, you notice this thought without getting attached to it (become mindful), understand that it is common to all humans and part of the our shared experience as humans, and then treat yourself kindly instead of beating yourself up.

It seems that this approach is working better than simply working on improving self-esteem. In a longitudinal study that followed 2448 ninth graders for a year, it found that low self-esteem had little effect on mental health in those who had the highest level of self-compassion. Even if they had negative thoughts, those thoughts had little impact on their sense of well-being over time as compared to their peers who didn’t have self-compassion skills. (Hayes, 2014) So instead of trying to raise the self-esteem of our children, maybe we should work on giving them the skills to handle life in general. In summary, this means that we teach ourselves and our children that we don’t have to think well of ourselves all the time to be successfully functioning mentally healthy people. Instead we have compassion as we simply accept that we are one human being amongst our fellow human beings, that we all have the same human conditions of self-doubt, suffering, failing from time to time, but that we are all here to live life with meaning, purpose and compassion for ourselves and others.

Having self-compassion is learning to treat yourself with the compassion you would treat a friend.

First you have to recognize that you are suffering. With a friend, you notice that they are suffering. You are aware of their pain. You have to do the same thing with yourself. You have thoughts that are causing you pain. This requires you to be mindful of the thoughts and aware that your thoughts are causing you suffering. The next step is to be nonjudgmental about those thoughts. Just notice the thoughts and let the thoughts come and go.

Then realize that you’re suffering. Be aware that your thoughts are making you feel bad. Turn toward your pain, be aware of it, and give yourself compassion. You have to realize that your failings, and your moments, are part of the human experience. You are not alone, but rather you are part of the human experience. This brings us into the fold of human beings – not isolating us. We are imperfect as humans and our lives are imperfect. This is normal. And finally, be kind and loving towards yourself when you are suffering. Dr. Neff even suggests touching your face affectionately or saying names of endearment to yourself lovingly to be kind to yourself. You may smile as you think about it, or you may not even be close to smiling at the thought of being that loving to yourself. But this is a step in the right direction for yourself, preparing for resiliency in life. If you are looking for resources, we offer groups that teach these skills. For today, take one step towards being kind and compassionate towards yourself, just as you would for a good friend.

Works Cited

Hayes, S. C. (2014, December 17). Is self-compassion more important than self-esteem? Retrieved from www.huffingtonpost.com.

Neff, K. (2010). Self-Compassion, Self-Esteem, and Well-Being. Social & Personality Psychology Compass, 5:1-12.

Neff, K. (2011, June 26). Why self-compassion is healthier than self-esteen. Retrieved from www.psychologytoday.com.

Changing Old Patterns

2015-07-05T17:11:00.000-05:00

I often tell others that if we make an error in listening to our knowing (or not listening to our knowing) and fall back into our old patterns, it will be fine. The reason it will be fine, is that inevitably, we will be given another opportunity to replay the pattern again. This next time, we can step into our knowing and act on it by stepping into a new pattern, changing the way we interact, giving up the old dysfunctional way.

There are no accidents. We are exactly where we are to be in this moment, at this time, dealing with this situation, these people and this decision. It may not be fun, or what you want to be dealing with, but on a soul level, our work is to work through our old patterns that we replay over and over again. We may have different players in the scenes, but we often have the same patterns and same themes. These patterns often go back to our family of origin patterns that need to be resolved. Having the pattern show up in our present relationships now is the opportunity to heal it, step into our fully empowered self, give up the old tendencies, and use new skills and new patterns. When we do, we can let go of the pattern and move on to new lessons and new growth. These hard lessons are our opportunity to release the old through healing it and move into new ways.

So what does this really mean? Let’s say that you have a pattern of being a peacekeeper. This started when you were young because your dad had a temper and you always wanted to make sure to keep him happy as a child. So instead of looking within yourself for your own answers, you looked outside of yourself to see what the people (your dad) around you wanted in order to make him happy. As a result, you now end up doing what others want you to do, rarely figuring out what you want to do, and often feel frustrated and dissatisfied. You don’t set boundaries, end up resentful and feel unappreciated for all you do for others. And you are not happy.

The way you would release this pattern is to go ahead and stop being the peacekeeper. I call it, “Stomping on those egg shells you were so careful about as a child.” Instead of worrying about the other person’s emotions and his/her reactions, you do what is right for you. You can do it in an appropriate, respectful way. But you still do it, setting the boundaries you need to set for your own welfare. If you need to call it an evening at 10 p.m. and others want to stay out later, you call it an evening at 10 p.m. You take care of you and let the others around you take care of their needs. If someone gets upset with you for setting boundaries, you may have to assess if this is what a true friend would do. Being willing to take care of your own needs is your work. No one will do that but you and until you do that, you can’t grow and change the old pattern. What is interesting about the process is that once you get the lesson, the situations often don’t come up anymore as opportunities for you to practice. Once you make the shift within yourself, the outside world no longer shows up with situations to match that pattern.

So go ahead – take your opportunities to learn and grow head on. If you have a difficult situation, look at the pattern. Assess if it is a pattern that is often repeated in your life. Figure out what you need to do to be more loving and kind and caring to you. Set the boundaries to match that equation. See if things don’t get better for you.

Sharing Your Authentic Self

2015-06-28T20:17:00.000-05:00

“We are all born an original, but most of us die a copy. Don’t die a copy.’ Agapi Stassinopoulos

Allowing our authentic self to be the person that we show the world is a courageous act for many reasons. Our authentic self is probably not the person that everyone else is – our authentic self is probably someone that doesn’t blend into the crowd and disappear into the walls. After all, there is only one of us! Our authentic self is an original. There is only one of us and for us to step into our authentic self it means we have to have the courage to trust and support our knowing regardless of the validation and support from the outside world.

Showing our authentic self may make us feel vulnerable. We are showing the world who we are. There are no walls up. It is the real us. We can feel a bit unprotected as we step into our authentic self-unsure if we will be fully accepted. This is probably one of the hardest parts of showing our real self to the world. Especially if we carry unloving, judgmental thoughts about our self. It is these judgmental thoughts and feelings we have towards our self that get in the way of our acceptance. Without acceptance we will struggle to embrace our original self!

In order to accept our self, we have to connect with our authentic self. We can work on acceptance by becoming mindful of the thoughts, feelings and beliefs, observing them and being aware of the judgments we may carry. As we become aware of our judgments, we can choose to let the judgments go. We are enough, just as we are. We don’t have to be more. And so we can work towards having appreciation, nonjudgmentalness and gratitude with our self.

We can also work towards connecting with our self – sitting with our self quietly. This means stepping into a practice of meditation where we sit quietly, stilling the body and mind and allowing for compassion to be part of this. Allow the quietness of the moment to be enough. We are all here on a journey, having a human experience, trying to do the best we can do. Learning to sit with our self, have gratitude and appreciation for who we are, right here, right now, just the way we are, is a great gift and a good place to go. Having compassion on you allows you then to be able to extend compassion to the rest of us humans on this journey called life. And it also give you the courage to share your authentic self with the world, as you become the person that will support you as you step out authentically. And that becomes enough!!

Learning to Love Ourselves Means Stepping Into Our Knowing

2015-06-21T19:26:00.000-05:00

I believe that one of our greatest feats in life is to learn to love ourselves and be our true authentic selves. These accomplishments aren’t the easiest to do. We can certainly take the time to care for others, say good things to others, and realize the potential in others as we see their beauty. Yet, when it comes to our own self, we often get caught up in judgments and faulty beliefs, causing us to stumble and believe that we just don’t quite measure up to others. As we compare ourselves to others, we already are in a losing state because no one wins when you start to compare yourself to another person. We often get into a place where it is easy for us to empower everyone else’s version of who we are over our own true self and our inner knowing. We can step into someone else’s thoughts about what we are to be doing or who we are, but we don’t easily step into validating what we already know to be our own truth.

The truth of the matter is that we can only be who we are and it is through accepting ourselves that we can begin to step into our authentic self, loving who we are right here, right now. There is nothing more to do. We are enough just as we are. Accepting who we are and embracing the essence of what we bring to the table, is how we can begin to be have the courage to be our authentic self.

To get there, start with a simple step. As you notice your judgments or your limiting beliefs, let them fall by the wayside. Notice them, label them as a judgment, and then let them go. Don’t hold onto them. Don’t lean into them. Notice them, describe them, and let them float away. And when you find yourself in this pattern of being harsh with yourself, step into gratitude. Pick something you can claim about yourself, something you do love about yourself, Pick something that you do know is part of the essence of you that you are willing to claim. Even if you can only start small, such as you love your blue eyes, then start small. Start there, and add another item to the list tomorrow. Build on it. The more you do this, claim these parts of you, the more you can step into your love of who you are and begin to embrace your authentic self. When you can embrace who you are, you can step into your own knowing and then share more of your authentic self with the world, which is a gift to you and those around you. This week notice your judgments and limiting beliefs towards yourself. And notice the essence of your authentic self and moments when you feel connected to you and you are expressing and sharing "you" with the world.

Living Fully

2015-06-14T14:10:00.000-05:00

Life certainly has an ebb and flow to it. I am certain that each of us breathes easier when things are in flow and we are moving along with life in great alignment. It is in these moments that we expand, get excited and may have more courage to leap forward. We can find so many things in our day to notice and be grateful for as we abound with endless energy, joy and fulfillment.

Yet, as life moves forward we will eventually have that ebb to deal with when things are more difficult. It might be the time when we have to recognize that someone close to us has to move and we will not have such close physical contact. Or we may have a difficult situation at work we are facing. Perhaps we are watching our adult children struggle with painful situations that we have no power to make better. We find this to be a new hat to wear as parents. Or maybe we have lost a loved one permanently and we are dealing with life from a whole new point of perspective. Then life isn’t such a bowl of cherries. It is hard to notice the good things and be abounding with gratitude and energy. But we move on as tomorrow always comes. It just might be harder to walk the talk.

We could choose to handle the situations – the times of ebbing and the times of flowing – in the same way - be fully present by living in the here and now. If we live in the here and now, we aren’t living in the past of “What was” and “How I wish it would go back to that time when . . . ”, nor are we living in the future where we are worried about, “What if something bad happens?” or “What if I should have done something different?” Rather we are living for the moment. We live right now. We attend to the moment right now. We stay present. We attend to the people in our lives right now. We have eye contact. We have conversation. We listen. We share. We extend ourselves. We receive. And we partake fully in this moment right now. Because, in reality, we only have right now. Our past is gone, and our future is yet to come.

If this feels foreign to you, try to touch your senses with the moment. Or touch the moment with your senses. Notice the sounds that surround you right now – those close to you and those in the distant. Take a moment to allow yourself to feel your body as you sit. Notice how the chair feels against your body. Or notice how the wind feels upon your skin. Or feel the sun upon your face. Allow yourself to see the colors in your environment depicting the reds, oranges and yellows in the scene around you or whatever colors you choose to focus upon. Spend time just allowing the colors to pop as you study the place you occupy at the moment. Inhale as you smell the air and catch the scents that surround you. Imagine the taste you would experience if you could taste your moment, or if you are eating, focus on the food as it touches your taste buds paying attention to the slightest differences of spices or sweets as your taste buds explode with the flavor. Savor the moment. Put it on like a suave. Push the “pause” button. Be here and now.

Drinking your moment with attentive focus is living fully. Losing our moment because we are lost in our head due to our attention being on our thoughts about what once was, or how we wish it were, or because we are worrying about what might be, is not living fully. It is letting our lives slip away like sand in our hand. Our moment is all we really have. So step into it and stay focused on it. It makes the moments much more vibrant when we stay out of the thoughts, worries and emotions and just experience the moment as it is happening right now. See how many moments you can step into fully this week. Decide if you find it to be worthy of the effort after you experience living fully in the moment throughout this week.

Finding The Peace: Thoughts are Not Facts

2015-02-16T07:53:00.001-06:00

Finding The Peace: Thoughts are Not Facts: We all have thoughts that come and go throughout our day. In fact, 98% of what we thought yesterday we will think today and tomorrow. Som...

Thoughts are Not Facts

2015-02-15T17:36:00.000-06:00

We all have thoughts that come and go throughout our day. In fact, 98% of what we thought yesterday we will think today and tomorrow. Some of those thoughts we may be aware of however, most of those thoughts may be in the backdrop of our mind and we aren't even aware that they are playing like a tape recorder over and over. Yet, our thoughts, impact our mood and our day and what we go out and do in the world. This is especially true if we are not aware that we are listening to our thoughts and taking them on as truth. We may respond as if they are an accurate reflection of reality.

An example of the power of thoughts would be when something happens in our lives that maybe hard to put in the backdrop of life. We might try, but the event moves to the front and center of our mind, probably through our thoughts. Thoughts arise. They arrive, and begin to play out. They become connected, as one thought leads to another thought. Soon you have a whole train of thoughts. And then there is a narrative in our head about the subject matter. This can become elaborate as the thoughts continue to play out. And depending on the thoughts, whether they are positive or empathetic to the situation or the other person, or whether they are negative about ourselves or the other person or situation they impact our mood. It’s possible, because of our thoughts, one day things are seen in a light positive way about the situation and the very next day we find ourselves struggling because we see it exactly the opposite and we are questioning it all over again. This is because we have listened to the thoughts and bought into the thoughts as truth and reality.

Thoughts are just thoughts. They are not facts. Thoughts come and they go. We don’t have to give thoughts the power to be facts. We don’t have to give thoughts the power to impact our mood. We can observe the fact that we are having thoughts. We become the witness to the thoughts. But we are not the thoughts. As the observer, we create space between us and the thoughts – between the observer and the thoughts. It gives us the opportunity to pause and realize, we are not our thoughts and thoughts are merely thoughts, they are not facts.

So spend some time becoming aware of your thoughts. Just notice that you are having a thought. Label it as a thought. No judgment about the thought. It is a thought. It comes. It goes. Witness it. It can be the backdrop of other things. But take the power out of the thoughts by becoming aware of the thoughts, what they are, and realizing they are only thoughts. They are not facts. You could write the thoughts down that you catch and begin a list of your thoughts. If you have negative thoughts, you might want to begin to notice them so that you can work towards changing those thoughts. Once we become aware of our thoughts, we can then also begin to change our thoughts. But first, we must become aware of our thoughts and realize, a thought is merely a thought. So for today, become the witness to your thoughts.

2015 – A Year to Relish in Who You Are

2015-01-01T15:11:00.000-06:00

As I ponder this 2015 New Year and what to write about, I reflect back on 2014. 2014 was a year that was full of lessons for me. It wasn't one of those years I would want to “replay”, as 2014 had moment after moment of difficulty. Throughout the year, I found myself saying that 2014 was a tough year, a hard year, a year that I would be ready to close the chapter on and start a new chapter with 2015. As I reflect on it now, I have to wonder if my judgment were correct. 2014 was a year of changes for sure. And some of those changes were not anticipated. In fact, some of the changes were abrupt. Some of the changes were uncomfortable. Some of the changes required me to reach into the depths of myself and find inner strength to stand strong in a different way, using different emotional and perhaps spiritual muscles. That is a true fact about 2014. But perhaps it isn't true that it was a “bad” year. Sometimes change coming into our lives, when we haven’t called for it, and we aren't seeing a need for change, really unbalances things. So in the essence of not being prepared for change, 2014 was a year of surprises for me.

I can say that the changes that came as a result of 2014 may have been difficult for me, but certainly were not anything to label with a negative. For example, in every instance where I thought that I was experiencing a loss in my life, something or someone filled the empty space in a new and different way that was very nourishing and so much better than before and greater than anything I could have envisioned. Sometimes, it was something from within me that filled the void. So it ended up not being a loss – just a change that I didn't know I needed or wanted or had access to within myself.

I think the real question is how did I respond or show up for the call to change?

I am reminded of Joseph Campbell’s writing of a Hero with a Thousand Faces. Elizabeth Gilbert also speaks of this in her own journey when she talks of finding the hero (or heroine) within. Gilbert believes that each of us has a calling in our life and opportunity to take the lead in our own story and be the hero of our own story and that when we answer the call, it might not necessarily be easy. On the contrary, when we accept the call, we expect to transform and change. The work begins when we answer the call. The pattern of the hero's journey then comes into play. It is then that we can expect to be challenged, have times of despair, moments of second-guessing ourselves and feel lost, hurt and alone.

The stages as Joseph Campbell states them are intense and difficult. Becoming your own hero, the hero of your own life, is not an easy journey. It is you embarking on a Vision Quest to find the Divine within yourself. I relate to these stages as they fit into my experience of what I wrote about with my own journey in my book, Finding the Peace. After answering the call to take the lead in our own story, our own life, comes these stages of the hero:

· The refusal.
· The roads of trial.
· The characters who show up and who you have to figure out how to navigate – the friends who look like enemies, the enemies who look like friends, the wise older woman who is the trickster; these are the people who show up and you take what you need from them.
· The dark night of the soul when you are at the lowest moment and lose all faith and consider quitting and maybe even dying. You feel broken and call upon the Divine Assistance. Through Divine Assistance you are helped.
· And lastly, through that recovery from the rock bottom, you learn your own talents and strengths and that you have everything within you for battle. And in the battle, the hero (you) loses your fear of death and then you can face anything. (Campbell 1949).

The climax is the battle of finding yourself and coming out as the hero. The final part of the journey is coming home to share with others what you have learned.

2014, for me, was not a “big Vision Quest” although for some of you, it may have been a year of finding the hero within yourself which may have been a tough year for you. But for me, it was answering the call again and again and times of “mini Vision Quests”. It was a year of being reminded that I had it within myself to stand tall and strong, with my answers coming from within connected to the Divine. It was a year of being faced with trials and obstacles, feeling alone, arriving home a different person, being reminded, once again, of who I am after facing the dragons and realizing that there is really nothing to fear as all has been faced.

Take the time this New Year to reflect on 2014. Anchor those moments of facing your dragons and finding the strength of your own wisdom and inner knowing to move forward. Take those moments when you felt most alone and look at the gemstones you found within. If it were a year of building spiritual, emotional and mental muscles, take the time to relish in the aftermath of your new-found form before embarking into 2015. May 2015 be a year of relishing in who you are and how you are already enough.

Works Cited:

Campbell, J. (1949). The hero with a thousand faces. New York City: Pantheon Books.

Gilbert, E. (2014, October 7). The ugly truth about following your passion, Retrieved from Huffingtonpost. com

Watson, J. (2011). Finding the peace. Createspace Independent Publishing

Gratitude and Giving

2014-11-23T14:59:00.000-06:00

The holiday season is upon us and with the commercialism of the season in action, we have been reminded that the time is near by the countdown of days starting well before Halloween. It might be good to take a moment to push the “pause” button. Stop the background commercials that play in your head, taunting you to take the time to make your lists and check them twice while pushing you out the door to get the shopping lists completed. Yes, push the pause button. “Pause.” “Breathe.” “Reflect.” At the end of the day, what will matter in how you choose to spend your holiday time? Filling our lives with activity, more things, foods and chaos does not fill the soul with a joy-filled season. In fact, it may set us up for doing more and more as we strive for the feeling of being “filled” but never quite quench that thirst.

Gratitude and giving are two obvious themes that come out during the holiday season. Practicing these during the commercialism of the season has potential to bring fullness of heart and soul if we are able to bring these themes to the centerpiece of our season.

Studies show that we can conscientiously work towards cultivating gratitude and the results can increase our well-being and happiness. Practicing grateful thinking, especially expressed towards others, is associated with increased levels of energy, optimism and empathy.(Psychologytoday.com/basics/gratitude, 2014) Cultivating gratitude has been found to increase people’s overall sense of well-being, causing them to exercise more, be more optimistic, and feel better overall about their lives in general. (Jill Suttie, 2010)

Just like gratitude, giving is also beneficial to us. Studies show that the givers are also gifted with the benefits of giving. Studies have found that giving makes people happier. In a 2006 study at the National Institutes of Health, it was found that when people give, it activates regions of the brain that are associated with pleasure, social connection and trust. Along this same area, scientists also believe that this behavior releases endorphins in the brain, producing the positive feeling known as the “helper’s high”. (Jill Suttie, 2010)

Giving itself gives us the opportunity to evoke gratitude. If we are giving a gift to someone that we are feeling gratitude towards, we are bringing up feelings of gratitude that emit those “feel good’ thoughts promoting feelings of closeness and a sense of connection to that person. Giving can bring about feelings of gratitude whether you are the giver or the receiver of the gift. Obviously, as the recipient of the gift, we can take a moment to feel gratitude for the person giving us the gift. (Parents may need to help children slow down and receive gifts in this matter and/or model to their children how to do this). Add to this, giving has been linked to the release of oxytocin which is the same hormone that is released during nursing or sex. It creates a feeling of warmth, empathy and bonding making one feel connected to the other and evokes more feelings of generosity, creating a “pay if forward cycle”. This has been experienced in the drive through at Starbucks when one person pays for the person behind them and that person does the same and they keep it going. Those feel good “giver’s highs” are contagious.

What we do know about gratitude and giving is that people who practice these two qualities are happier, more fulfilled people. Practicing these qualities improves your overall sense of well-being, energy level and optimism. The skill then becomes how to make it your centerpiece for the season so at the end of the day, you feel like your season was fulfilling.

Giving and gratitude can be brought into the season by doing things differently. Start the holidays out with the practice of gratitude during Thanksgiving and make it just the beginning of a daily practice of being in gratitude. Then focus on the act of giving versus the act of receiving. Spend time as a family deciding how you want to give to others this year. Take on a project of giving to a needy family, volunteering at a soup kitchen and/or making your gifts so that time is spent thinking of each person and how much you care about them. Make sure you spend time sending thank you notes that will give you, as the recipient, the opportunity to bring forth the feelings of gratitude you feel for the other person that gave you the gift. Get creative as you consider how you want this time to look as you bring gratitude and giving into your daily lives during the holiday season. Perhaps you will develop a daily habit that continues well past the holidays. At the end of the day, you become the gifted person because gratitude and giving became your theme for the season and your life!

Works Cited

Psychologytoday.com/basics/gratitude. (2014, August 10). Retrieved from Psychologytoday.

Jill Suttie, J. M. (2010, December 13). 5 ways giving is good for you. Retrieved from Great Good The Science of a Meaningful Life.

Answering the Call - Not Such An Easy Thing

2014-10-19T16:48:00.001-05:00

Sometimes when we think about following our passion and doing what we are called to do, we think about things falling into place and life being an easy journey with this transition. I resonated with Elizabeth Gilbert as she talked about her own journey when she talked about the difficulties in answering the call. I had never studied the stages of the hero’s journey, but in listening to Elizabeth, I knew the stages certainly had fit my life in the quest I took.

Elizabeth Gilbert talks about her own journey in life and how it related to the Hero's Journey that Joseph Campbell wrote about in The Hero with a Thousand Faces. (Campbell, 1949) Campbell studied the common patterns running through the hero's journey. Gilbert listed these stages below as she talked about how they relate to each of us. (Gilbert, 2014)

Gilbert believes that each of us has a calling in our life and opportunity to take the lead in our own story - be the hero of our own story. To do this, we have to answer the call. She reminds us that just because we answer the call life will be not necessarily be easy. On the contrary, if we accept the call, and we expect to transform and change, then the work merely begins when we answer the call. The patterns of the hero journey then comes into play. It is then that we can expect to be challenged, have times of despair, moments of second-guessing ourselves and feel lost, hurt and alone.

After answering the call to take the lead in our own story, our own life, comes the next stages of the hero:

· The refusal.

· The road of trials.

· The characters who show up that you have to figure out how to navigate – the friends who look like enemies, the enemies who look like friends, the wise older woman who is the trickster; these are the pat people who show up and you take what you need from them.

· The dark night of the soul. This is the lowest moment when you lose all faith consider quitting and maybe even dying. You feel broken and you have to call upon Divine Assistance. And through that Divine Assistance you are helped.

· And with that recovery from the rock bottom, you learn your own talents and your own strengths and then you have everything you need for the battle. In the battle the hero (you) loses your fear of death and then you can face anything.

(Gilbert, 2014)

The climax is the battle where you come out as the hero of your story. But the end of the story is that you come home and share what you have learned with others, those in your family and your community. This can be the part that can be overlooked, but people need to hear the story so they know they, too, can make it through their own quest.

Each of us has a quest. Perhaps we are just considering whether to answer the call, are in the midst of the journey and feeling quite alone, or have completed the journey and have arrived back home and are preparing to share our journey with others.

Regardless, it is our work. As hard as it can be, it is where we can find the hero within ourselves. We lose our fear because we face our dragons as we go through our trials and obstacles. And we arrive home a different person. We arrive home our own hero.

Works Cited

Campbell, J. (1949). The Hero with a Thousand Faces. New York City: Pantheon Books.

Gilbert, E. (2014, October 7). The Ugly Truth About Following Your Passion. Retrieved from Huffingtonpost.com.

Our Energy Speaks to Us

2014-08-24T16:40:00.000-05:00

Recently I had a quick trip to Omaha with a friend and we wanted to make a stop at Costco to pick up a few things. Knowing we had a lot of fun things to do before the day was done, I made a mental note to protect my energy from being over stimulated and “zapped” at the big warehouse store where I often leave feeling depleted. I didn't want my energy robbed so we made it short and intentional. I knew how to manage the experience in a way that would work for me and still have energy for the rest of my day.

Listening and paying attention to our energy can be guidance in what is best for us as we learn how to be better stewards of our mind, body and soul. If we walk into a place and we lose our energy, it is a great clue. Perhaps shopping in big places isn't the best for us. Leave or make a mental note and see if this occurs regularly. Or maybe it isn't where we are shopping but the company we keep. Maybe we lose energy when we are with certain people, or when we eat certain foods, or listen to certain music. Our energy speaks to us. Becoming aware of our energy level in all areas of our lives can be a first step in tuning into listening to what is best for us.

My favorite beacon is when bringing in new ideas and finding the high energy level of excitement coming in with those ideas. When you are thinking about a new idea and you find energy around it and get excited and start to feel energized, this may be a sign that you are on track with your wisdom within. On the other hand, if you are brain storming and in your “head” you have a great idea but your energy for the idea just isn’t’ there, this may be a red flag that the idea may be good, but probably isn’t a good idea for you. Touching upon the wisdom within you brings energy or a lightness about it. If you are aware, you can access information that can help you decide how to proceed. As you learn to listen within, maybe you don’t feel excitement, but it feels lighter, less burdensome. With that information, you may decide it is a “yes” within, for you.

If all of this is foreign to you and you really hadn't thought about listening to your energy as a barometer towards hearing what is best for you, begin to practice now. Start by paying attention and bringing your awareness to your energy level in all matters. Your internal barometer is the right barometer. “You” know “you” best. You just have to learn to listen to you. You might start by turning off the electronics and sitting quickly with yourself as a way to tune in to the energy within. This is meditation. Sitting quietly with yourself and listening or just clearing your mind. Or sitting quietly and focusing on your breath. You might begin to develop the practice of mindfulness. All of these suggestions fall into the practice of mindfulness.

As you become aware, listen more and take steps towards anchoring that you are listening, your internal voice will become louder and much more a part of your everyday guidance. Through those steps your days and your life will be easier as you quickly decipher which path you want to travel, whether it is a simple choice of making a stop at Costco, or a serious life-turning decision of a job change. Whatever comes your way, you will be in touch with your own internal knowing which makes life a process you can manage by being centered in your own knowing.

Live Your Life Facing Your Death

2014-08-10T16:54:00.002-05:00

Michael Singer says, "Learn to live as though you are facing death at all times and you'll become bolder and more open." (Singer 2007) Most of us will not have the luxury of knowing when we will take our last breath. If we live life fully, we will not have regrets when we do die. We will have chosen to not live in fear but rather to live out our desires by living life fully, by being present in the moment. That would mean we would be paying attention to the landscape we were having the privilege of feasting our eyes upon, or we would be listening attentively to the child that was telling us about the bug that had gotten away, or we would be aware of the person at the coffee shop that seemed to be struggling a bit. Our thoughts would be directed in the moment, not in the future or the past, but in the here and now.

What stops us from doing this? Often it is our worry and fear about doing things right. So we don't live in the moment. We live in the worry and fear trying to control what is happening making sure that everything goes right. We live in the illusion that we have some control over life and that if we focus on something enough, through our worry and fear, we will really make it happen the way it needs to happen. But ultimately, we don't have control over what happens through our worrying. And the only thing we accomplish in the practice of worrying or fear is to lose our moment, which is to lose our ability to live right here and now. We lose our life. And life is not something we want to lose. We want to live it fully. Death is our reminder to live life fully. Live life as if today is your last day to live. With this we live life fully and death is our teacher, reminding us how to live - fully and present in each and every moment. This moment is all we really have anyway. Sink into living your life fully present.

Works Cited

Singer, M. (2007). The untethered soul. Oakland: New Harbinger Publication, Inc.