There's no password protect yet. :)

Ok, here's the deal, I'm moving to pipsylou.blogspot.com, and I'm sending out invitations to the people in my Google account. if you don't get one today, email me to get one! (Wow, 3rd grade popularity flashback.)

I will explain when we get over there.

You may have noticed I had set password protection up last night. Again. Why can't I just make a decision about this?

I have been blogging since November of 2004. Nearly 3 years. If I had all of my archives online since that point, I think I would hyperventilate. Being that exposed. When each of our children were born I set up a little site that people could check, then took them down after awhile.

I love to write in my blog, but I do write too much information for the general public to have. I like for people to be able to just happen upon my blog, but I also know at this point that I have people reading who I don't want reading. All it takes is a quick check of searches that have led people here.

It's a hard call...but one I have to make! I know alot of people do a private blog and then a more general public blog, but that seems a lot of work...

I have an appointment today that I invited Scott to come to. We will be discussing birth control with the doctor.

I have not had to think about birth control for 3 years. First came Lucy, then I had a cycle, and Asher was conceived (someday those words will make their stomachs churn as they think of their parents having s*ex. Sorry, kids.)

We are at a crossroads now. (boy, am I dramatic) I would like something reliable. Something I don't have to think of taking every day. I don't know how I feel about birth control for a variety of reasons. FIrst, the Catholics among us will tell you that they cause abortions. If I believe that life begins at conception, as I do, then I must either take that to its logical end and swear off birth control or tell you that I don't believe it. There are some who are even against con*doms, because they say that is taking the beauty out of the marital act and squelching the possibility of life. I'm not sure that I agree with that, because as far as God is concerned, where there's a will there's a way. If he wants me to have another baby, I will have another baby. If he doesn't, I won't.

I have strongly considered the Mirena IUD - that is the direction I'm leaning. It prevents you from ovulating by sending small amounts of hormone to your uterus. I wouldn't have Scott asking me if I've taken a pill, and your fertility returns almost immediately when you have it removed. You can have it in for up to 5 years.

I don't know that I could do another pregnancy right now. Actually, I know that Scott knows he can't. But then maybe that's us not trusting God. But then I felt like it was a huge leap of faith to have Asher after all of the problems we had having Lucy. It is all so confusing.

So, what birth control do you use? Or do you? Post anonymously if you'd like.

Renee and Michele from NC, I am so tickled that you read!!!!!!! I have no email address to email either of you! :(

*******

I often wonder what the 28-year-old Lucy would say. Would she want us to go ahead and do this pull-through? Would she tell us it's easier with a colostomy? I don't want to make decisions for her that we might later regret. Right now everything is natural (aside from the co*lostomy itself). What I mean to say is, she does not need any aids to get the po*op out. If we go the pull-through route, she will have to take 1 - 2 enem*as every day for the rest of her life, whether she likes it or not, and probably lots of laxatives. What will that do to her system? No one knows - this particular surgery has only been around for 20 years. What happens to the body of someone who has had daily enem*as for 50 years? It certainly can't be good. They also want to do an exploratory surgery - if you've read my blog at all you know my views on surgery (c-section, et al) have changed somewhat. Scott says that just may be a deal-breaker. We are still trying to decide if he will go, my aunt will go (thank you, Mary for offering!), or my parents will go. And if we'll go in October or December. The worst thing that could happen is we go to the bowel management clinic, decide she won't have the pull-through, but get some great tips on how to keep her bag empty and poop-free for 24 hours.

Lucy, what would the 28-year-old version of you tell me? What will you want?

I'd like to know.

There's an abyss here, a little to the left of and behind me. It stays, waits. Crouches, claws ready to sink into flesh. It's a shadow-shaped figure I am powerless to stop; stay, stay here in bed.
Cartoon sounds from the living room, baby giggles in a crib.
A disconnect; wires snap and synapses pop, I stare at the wall. Another day. A phone call - She wants me to go to the mall; I don't see cute clothes and pretzel treats. I see the man who kidnapped a woman, killed her.

Dangers everywhere. Better to stay at home.

The car - we can't go in the car. Dangers everywhere. What would I do? Better to stay home, home and safe.

Today I read a sentence from the misinformed - she told me that the abyss is nothing more than a state of mind, a matter of feeling glee when shadows abound. How I wish I didn't know the feeling - where dark closes in and panic reigns.

The abyss threatens to smash the small joys in my days; grocery store runs and giggles from my children.

"Put one foot in front of the other," she said, watching my shaking hands fumble with a tissue. "Even when you feel terrible, do it. Your actions become your thoughts. Soon, light will shine again. You will feel better." I felt this way before Asher was born, and it rang true.

The abyss beckons me - stay, stay here. Here you are safe. Here you have control. Withdraw.

I?

We do need groceries - and a car ride would be good.

I open the door
quietly the hinges creak, groaning under my momentous decision.

The light comes pouring in.

Guys - I LOVE the Ergo! It is so wonderful! Ash has been riding in it most of today, and I walked a really long walk yesterday and had Lulu in it on my back for the last 1.5 miles. She did really really well and my back didn't even hurt! So, Arwen, Kiki, Krista and Korin, thank you for suggesting it! Best $92 I ever spent. I am selling our barely-used Bjorn on Ebay, because if we ever have another baby we can just get the infant insert for the Ergo. I LOVE IT! I wanted to post some pictures yesterday but I couldn't find my camera.

I am getting better at just telling people how I feel - in general, letting people know where I stand. I don't know why I didn't do this a long time ago, because it is really freeing not to be so caught up in what other people think of you, etc. You know?

Lucy is SO funny. Oh my goodness I just love that girl to pieces! This morning I walked into her room right before I took my shower and she said, "I love your boobies, Mama!" I thought I was going to pee my pants (well, I didn't have any on). It was so funny. Oh Lucy, you just light up my days with your funny ways!

Asher is getting ready to crawl. I love love love this age. I get to meet my anonymous internet friend for the first time tomorrow - she's coming over for lunch. Should be fun.

I've started the Core Weight Watchers diet (have been following it since Sunday) and I am amazed at how good I feel, already. It is really balanced and still allows whole grain pasta, fruits, stuff that South Beach doesn't allow. I think without those things I would go nuts. And this seems healthier, too. I am wanting to lose 10 - then I would be right where I was when we got married, and I feel good at that weight. I was thinking today that I need to be happy with my body how it is NOW, not 10 pounds from now, etc. I'm big-boned (according to my husband) so I will never be a stick. I'm ok with that. Anyway, I decided I really like my lips and my eyes - and I have cute little ears. I like my hair color, too, and what else...hmmm... one guy in a store in Cali thought I was Brooke Shields. She is impossibly skinny. How is she so skinny? I have always been told that I look like her. I will take that. Today I was watching Oprah and they were saying we shouldn't want to lose weight because it looks good but because it's healthier. That is so true and so easy to forget. Anyway, lips - Scott has the biggest lips of anyone I have ever seen - they are very nice. So mix our genes together and Asher's lips are out of control. What are your favorite things about yourself? It seems in our society we are always harping on our bodies. Let's start doing the opposite! So, tell me - what do you like about your physical appearance? No voiding it with something you DON'T like, either! (We women are wont to do that.) Brag on yourself. Do it. It's fun. If you don't want to, leave your name and I will brag on you FOR you.

We have Bible study tomorrow night and I am excited about that. Hopefully the two ladies I invited will come!

Can you tell it was a good day today? We're still waiting to hear from Cincy. A step at a time, or else I'd crap my pants.

Gotta go spend some time with the hubster before he serves me papers for having an affair with my Dell. 'Night!

Dear Lucy and Asher,

My cousin Amy and I were talking the other day and she told me how she steps into Annika and Trevor and Gavin's rooms and watches them while they're sleeping. She whispers over and over, "Thank you, God, thank you, God, for these wonderful gifts."

I love Amy for so many reasons, but mainly because I can so relate to what she says about motherhood - sometimes feeling totally overwhelmed with the dust over everything, crayons in the toaster, temper tantrums and exploding diapers. Underneath it all, she loves being the mom to those 3. As I do for you two.

Lucy, tomorrow you are exactly 2 and a half years old. Yesterday when you were under the water and I saw you I can not describe the feeling that left my core cold. It was a hollow in the middle of my chest and I couldn't get the sound out. Oh my baby girl, I love you so so so so so so much. I love you so much. You are feisty and volatile and impatient and random and sweet. You're just like me. I want to protect you and show you the world and love you and help you wash your hands 889 times because that's your new obsession. Today you had me in stitches because I opened the refrigerator and you yelled, "Oh, mommy! Chicken milk! Chicken milk!I want chicken milk!" I couldn't imagine what you were talking about until I saw the carton of egg substitute with a cute little chicken on the front. In the past two weeks you have really accelerated with your activity level (PHEW!) and your words!!!!!!! It's amazing and makes me feel like a 94-year-old hip-replacement patient after chasing after you all day. Some other things you've done lately:

• licked the DVD and rubbed it on your shorts to clean it, just like I do.
• told Asher, "Stop hitting me, Brother Bear! Mom, he's hitting me!" when he accidentally brushes up against you as his arms flail willy nilly
• giggle with Asher - I love to watch you two when you don't know I see you.
• pinched Asher's neck while at the same time saying, "Hi, Mama! Hi, Mama!" I know if I hear that greeting you're doing something you shouldn't be.
• Wear your size 8.5 too-big Diego and Dora shoes with your Cindowella dress
• told me the bread dough looked "sort of like ice cream"
• when you're bored, you pack your things up and go to the door, asking for Nina and Papa's house.
• surprise me by knowing the ENTIRE Veggie Tales CD by heart after hearing it 4 times
• tell me, "Stop that, mama, it is really scaring me." as I use the drill to put up shelving
• Tell me, "She pushed me!", referring to your dad, when he gently guided you to your room to pick up your toys.
• call Asher "Sissy", because when I tell him to say, "Hi, Sissy!" you think I'm instructing you to say it. I don't correct you because it's cute.

I keep telling myself that these days with you two so young are SO precious. I know I do alot of things wrong in motherhood but one thing I am sure I do right is truly appreciating every single wonderful day with you. Not a day goes by that I don't end the day with a feeling of gratitude to God for making me your mother. I'm a little too good at putting down the cleaning and reading you a book or helping you in applying all of your stickers in one spot.

Asher, oh, sweet little Asher man. You have lived up to your wonderful little name. Happiness, Gladness, that is what it means. You are such a happy little man. Just in the past few weeks you are wonderfully transfixed with the world around you. You want to grab everything and pull my hair while you nurse. You do this moan that sounds like a cow giving birth to quadruplets when you're content. You have some major separation anxiety and scream when you can't see me. I've felt bad the past few days because you and Lulu have been competing a bit for my attention. You sit in your bumbo with your arms flailing and scream until I pick you up. I thought the "hard" part had passed when you were about 2 months, but now I realize that as you become more and more alert and mobile I will have my hands full! I love it!

Turds - you're really good at filling your diaper with turds. I have thought you were constipated because I've never experienced baby-ate-regular-food turds that weren't in a colostomy bag. At about 2 in the morning I changed your diaper with one eye open. In the morning I came to pick you up and there was a huge turd right next to your head. It must have fallen out of the diaper and made a little home next to your sleeping little form as I was taking it to the trash! There you were, just grinning away, trying to see the turd by the side of your head. Your dad refers to our house as "the family barn".

I love spiking your hair and making you look like a little man. I adore having you for a son. You make our family so complete. I will always hold in my memory the sound of your first gorgeous little cry and your dad letting me name you. Oh, you were so beautiful.

Kiddos, I have been struggling lately with my faith in God. Does he even exist at all, or is the idea of Him just a result of some evolutionary need created by our small, finite minds? Does the belief in a stronger entity only serve to fill some basic biological human need? I am jealous of those who don't struggle with these questions; whose faith is solid.

Tomorrow is the day of the month you both were born. The day my world opened up, the day I began to see things with a selfless sheen. I think about the possibility of a loving God and each day I open my eyes and see your little faces staring back I can't help but feel like a fool to deny His existence.

I listened to this song (Download 08_maybe_theres_a_loving_god.wma) and it just fit so perfectly how I have felt these last few months:

I'm tryin' to work things out
I'm tryin' to comprehend
Am I the chance result
Of some great accident?
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Starin' up at the stars in the sky

I have another meeting today
with my new counselor
My mom will cry and say
I don't know what to do with her
She's so unresponsive
I just cannot break through
She spends all night in the backyard
Starin' up at the stars and the moon

They have a chart and graph
of my despondency
They want to chart a path
for self-recovery
and want to know what I'm thinking,
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the back yard
Starin' up at the stars and the moon

Maybe this was made for me
I'm lyin' on my back in the middle of a field
And maybe that's a selfish thought
and maybe there's a loving God

And maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed alot
But maybe there's a loving God

That could be a foolish thought
But maybe there's a loving God

When I feel despondency kick in I look at your little faces and realize that God loves me more than I love you.

And that positively takes my breath away.

Mama

I wonder if the sea, when it meets the horizon, knows that it is home? Does the life-blood coursing through the vein feel at ease when it finally reaches a pumping heart?

I watch you show her a flower, kiss his baby cheek.

You guard my sensitivies because that is what love does. You hold my arm fat back so it doesn't look so obvious in pictures and tell those who still bring it up, "No, we didn't name him Henry, we named him Asher. That is his name because we like it." You fill in my insecurities with words that make me joyful; you laugh when I get so excited about my new fake nails and $0.02 jars of baby food. You refill the dishwasher the right way for the 1,167th time because I filled it in accordance with my personality. I love that we have the same favorite memory - hearing that sweet girl cry her first day. You gently guide me into bed at night when my anxiety is so great that I pace the halls, checking and rechecking if everything is locked up tight. You do these things because my hurts are yours, and my joys are, too.

I think the sea and life-blood may envy me.

With you, I am where I belong, always.

Happy Birthday.