FinsNation

Link Dump, brought to you by Samson Satele and Tony Sparano's neck roll

2008-10-17T11:15:24-04:00

DRK posted about this yesterday. My take on it is that John Harbaugh tried to defend his offensive coordinator and did a poor job and things really blew up in his face like a bag filled with shit and lit firecrackers. The best part is that players and fans were already jacked up about facing Cam Cameron's offense anyway. Harbaugh simply stoked the flames by being a total dick. The other thing I found funny is that Harbaugh took a swipe at the players Cam was "forced" to use (you know, guys like Ted Ginn Jr. and Cleo Lemon). The very same players who beat the team he's coaching right now. Finally, lost in all this madness is poor Cam Cameron and his talking penis (which I hear is really angry at Harbaugh and could be heard railing against the head coach during their film sessions). Cam probably wanted to sneak into Miami quietly, go to work and go home. There might have been an article or two about his return, but it would've been relatively quiet -- especially coming off that close-loss to the Texans. Now the poor schlep has become the story of the week, thanks to his jackass head coach who tried to talk tough but instead came across like a total douchenozzle.

Pro Bowl voting started this week. The Miami Herald says that very early national results given to them by a league source indicates that Ronnie Brown, Joey Porter and Jake Long are leading all AFC players at their positions. Let's make that official.

Speaking of Long, one of the all time greatest Dolphins O-lineman, Richmond Webb, likes what he's seeing from our number one overall pick. I met Richmond Webb two years ago when I was working on a story. Class act all the way around. And hands like the paws of a giant grizzly. Seriously. The man shook my hand and it pretty much looked like a regular person holding a Honey Nut Cheerio.

Shit is so bad financially that the Dolphins had Chad Pennington go around the city with a newsboy cap asking for money. "Arms for the poor!" Or something to that effect. Anyway, it worked! The Ravens game just barely made the deadline before being locally blacked out but was declared a sell-out. Great news for the poor and or the lazy! Forget all this $700 Billion bailout nonsense, let's just send Chad Pennington to Wall Street. He' fix it. He can fix anything!

Something serious happened with Andre Goodman's family, which is why he missed practice yesterday. Whatever it might be, our thoughts and prayers are with him and his fams.

Omar covers the Dolphins secondary as only Omar can do (translation: awesomely). Ty Law? Not sure about that one. But at this point, Parcells is gonna do things his way and that's pretty much it. I can sit here and write about what I think Parcells should do till I'm blue in the face, but he won't listen. He never does. Ah well. I guess I'll just get back to my usual daily routine of trying to ward off prostate cancer. No sense in wasting the day.

-The DUDE

Cam Cameron and His Penis Just Helped Themselves To An Extra Healthy Portion of Cock Soup on Sunday

2008-10-16T09:33:48-04:00

We here at FN don’t suffer fools lightly so it pains me greatly to - not only reference the comment of a rookie-head coach-fool that is constantly confused for someone else named Harbaugh – but to hyperlink to the other fool that provided me with this nugget of animosity. The latter alone makes me shiver with disgust.

Apparently John Harbaugh has a deathwish out for his career and his team by making the comment below in reference to his Offensive Coordinator Cam Cameron during a conference call with the media on Wednesday. Let’s get it over with:

"Cam's going to be a great match as a football coach for every situation," Harbaugh said during a conference call with the Miami media Wednesday. "He can coach. Everywhere he's been, he's been a very effective coach. He was an effective coach in Miami last year, even though the results weren't what people were hoping for. He did a great job there, with what he had to work with."

Wha-wha-whaaaaat?!?!?!?!

Cam Cameron couldn’t head coach his way out of a used condom. After every game, the guy looked like he smoked 3 blunts, completely dumbfounded by the idea of football and its crazy notion of angry guys moving around all over the field. He was out-coached, out-managed, out-skilled every single time he went out there. If it wasn’t for Brian Billick absolutely dying to get out of Baltimore and join the pantheon of former NFL head coaches in uncomfortably annoying Coors Light commercials, we’d be the laughingstock of the NFL - forever. We’re already having enough trouble trying to shake off that shitstorm.

So a big FUCK YOU to Jim Harbaugh and Cam Cameron. You’re gonna tell me we had less talent than Detroit??? And even if we did, who’s responsible for putting talent together before the season starts??? Guess those players are just supposed to show up to the Davie practice field like goddamn Field Of Dreams, huh?

For the record, Harbaugh is also the guy that recently said before the Ravens game against the Steelers that the Ravens were going to win ‘multiple championships’ and they were going to be a ‘dynasty’. I’ll be sure to remember this on Sunday when I’m at the stadium and ragging on your stupid fans for believing in your sorry team and your BS coach-speak. It’ll be especially rewarding when we’re dominating you with said talent that you’ll suddenly find to be surprisingly capable in the October heat as you suffer yet another loss.

Ever heard of ‘bulletin board material’, you shithead???

AND A GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR!!!

-DRK

Greg Camarillo and Matt Roth Go on a Blind Double-Date

2008-10-14T14:31:11-04:00

The girls will be meeting us in half an hour. You ready, Roth?

YEA!!! LET'S DO THIS!!!

Take it down a notch. Tonight is date night. So no Game-Day Roth, okay? Let's not have another incident like the last time when you scared that poor girl to death. Be nice. Be friendly.

OH MAN! OKAY! OKAY!

Okay... I'm all set.

ME TOO!!! LET'S DO THIS!!!

Roth! What did I say? No Game-Day Roth! C'mon. Get dressed. Look clean and, above all else, be friendly. Friendly is the key word. Friendly.

DONE!!! HOW'S THIS?!! HI!!! HELLO!!! NICE TO MEET YOU PRETTY LADY!! BETTER?!!

*sigh* I guess. Let's go.

/half hour later at the restaurant....

...I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps...

Mmm hmm (holy shit, this girl's dumber than a sock full of pennies... ay yay yay.)

...I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like Iraq...

Mmmhmmm... (just nod your head, Camarillo. You'll have her in the sack by midnight... as long as Roth doesn't fuck things up for us... again... but he seems quiet over there with his date, so that's gotta be a good sign...) Mmmhmmm...

And O my God you should totally meet my brother he's so crazy he once took a Coke bottle and shoved it up his best friend's ass and they started doing that to each other and like making out and stuff but he's not gay or anything he's just crazy and O my God did you see Lost the other day? Can you believe that island monster was just a dream and O my God I can't believe I'm on a date with a football player! Are you good friends with Dan Morrino? He's like so hot I know he's old but I don't care I'd so let him have his way with me....

(Keep it together, Roth... NO! CHANGE! CHANGE NOW! No... just bare with her. Do it for your friend Greg. NO!!! LISTEN TO HER! SHE'S BABBLING LIKE A FUCKING CRAZY PERSON! DO IT! No. DO IT!!!! No.... DO IT!!!!)

...and then there was that one time when me and my friends went to Cancun O my God we got so drunk and then we met this guy who was like totally hot and he took us to this party and it was ...

GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

AHHH!!! O MY GOD!! AHHHH!!!

ARRRGGGGHHHH!!! :gulp!:

/later that night at the apartment...

/opens door
Oh hey... Didn't expec' anybody to be home... So, uh, how'd you fellas do tonight?

Do you even have to ask, Channing? What do you think happened? I went with Roth. My date literally shit her panties and ran off crying. I was this close to closing the deal with her!

My date was delicious.

Oh word. That's nuts, man. Roth, you incorrigible, man. Hahaaa....

BURRRRP!!!!! Ahhh....

Uh, Greg. Can me and m'girls borrow your bed? I'd use Roth's but he has animal carcasses on it.

Oh word. Thanks.

I need to move into my own place.

-The DUDE

A Cold Wet Dose of Reality to Our Collective Groin Area

2008-10-13T08:48:33-04:00

Well shit on a turtle, that was frustrating.

When the Fins defense caught those two early interceptions and The Leprechaun Patrick Cobbs left his Pot 'o Gold at the end of the rainbow to come to Houston to score a 53-yard and an 80-yard touchdown, and it seemed like Joey Porter was going to turn Texans left tackle Duane Brown into his own personal hand-puppet and have himself a career day, and we took that early 14-3 lead, I figured I should just sit back, relax and enjoy the show. Then our weaknesses kicked in. And they kicked in hard.

First off, there's our special teams. Holy titty-fuck does this unit suck. We all witnessed just how shitty they are when we played the Patriots and New England kept returning our kickoffs to the 40. Yesterday, the Dolphins coverage team gift wrapped that win for the Texans with a pretty little bow, while taking a shit in a box and Fed Exing it to us, the fans. Simply put, Jacoby Jones' 70-yard touchdown return was the difference in this game. No question in my mind. He doesn't take it to the house, we win. Period.

Second: Our secondary is highly combustible, and possibly lathered in Vaseline. I knew Andre Johnson was going to have a big game. The guy is a fucking horse (and he's from The U!). But for fucksake, I didn't expect him to have this kind of game. Michael Lehan needs to learn that you can't slap a guy's arm when said guy outweighs you by 132 pounds. Put a body on a motherfucker, Mike! And learn to fucking catch, Renaldo Hill, you fucking useless anal wart. Jesus, why does our secondary always treat the football like it was dipped in AIDS during the most crucial times in games? Bottom line, our defense was fucked to the tune of 485-total yards, including 379 passing yards from Matt Schaub, a guy who literally lost seven pounds a week ago after being hospitalized when he got some weird Amazon rain forest virus up his ass. This week, he bounces back and has a career fucking day. And let's not forget the craptastic showing from our D in that final drive. Twice, Miami had the Texans on 4th down. Of course, Andre Johnson makes a spectacular 23-yard catch on 4th and 10 where Yeremiah should have knocked it loose, and sets things up for the cockpunch. Several plays later, Schaub is waltzing into the endzone like he's taking a stroll in the park and looking for a restroom with glory holes in it. Cockpunch engaged. Game over (oh, and here's a concept the coaches should consider: when something is working, STICK WITH IT! Whenever we put pressure on Schaub, he would wilt faster than I do whenever I imagine Rosie O'Donnell naked. Why we didn't keep sending guys into Schaub's face all the live-long day, especially in the second half, is beyond me).

Third, and most importantly, they have Andre Johnson. We have Ted Fucking Ginn Jr. While it was awesome to see the Fins breakout the Wildcat in flea-flicker form (which led to that 53-yard TD to Cobbs) and score a TD for the 6th time utilizing it, we're going to need a little bit more to close games out. Simply put, this game just reminded us --again -- that we're missing that big-play receiver to rip it up alongside Ronnie Brown. Yes, the Dolphins put points on the board. But they were a pitiful 2-for-10 on third down conversions, while Johnson made the big catch at the most crucial moments for the Texans all day long (except for that one fumble, but fuck you, you nit-picking dickbag. I'm trying to make a point here). I'm still up for going after this guy. We need to. Until then, we're stuck with Ginn. And for the record, he caught one pass. Then ran backwards as if the DB was chasing him with a meat cleaver. That's one catch, for minus-one yard.

Also, only 11 carries for Ronnie? That's a sure-fire way to get your ass handed to you real quick like.

So, we failed to make it to .500, and we're 0-4 against the Texans. Our weaknesses have been exposed -- again. But these are things that can be fixed, so all is not lost. Plus, we have Cam Cameron and the Ravens coming to pay us a visit this Sunday. That should be enough to get us going again.

For now, we're just going to have to go about our week simmering in this awful bitterness and wondering "what-if."

Fuck.

-The DUDE

Game Day Open Thread

2008-10-12T11:25:55-04:00

Duck vaginas.... comment away....

-The DUDE

Keys To The Game: Dolphins at Texans

2008-10-10T14:33:48-04:00

Before we move on, two things really pissed me off this week:

It’s absolutely stupefying that Ronnie Brown, Vernon Carey and Ikechuku Ndukwe (I had to check the spelling on that one like 5 times) all got fined $10,000 for a crappy endzone dance that didn’t even last very long. The NFL really has become the No Fun League. It used to be that it was a haven for coke and whores as well as colorful expressions of accomplishment – whether on the individual or team level. There is so much pressure and professionalism attached to the NFL in addition to all the scrutiny, that there has to be some sort of outlet. So what the fuck happened? Why are they pussying up the one sport I absolutely love to the point that I’ll watch two teams I couldn’t give a fuck about on a hungover Monday night? To misappropriate a concept Chris Rock so eloquently put recently: If the NHL was hanging off a cliff and all it need was a fuck to save it and I had a pocket full of fucks, I wouldn’t spare one. So why are people that have never played the sport trying to ruin the one thing I’d give up all my fucks for in any situation (except the Pats, Bills or Jets)??? Shit, there’s even a conduct policy for the fans!

I loved Warren Sapp when he was at the U. I even kinda liked him as a player throughout the years and did laugh at some of the remarks he’d make from time to time. He’s a Florida boy through and through and that’s always a huge plus in my book so I tend to give them tremendous poetic license. However, Mr. Sapp really really pissed me off this week in saying the Wildcat offense was ‘disrespectful’. The fuck? How in the fuck is it ‘disrespectful’? Last I checked, there are 11 guys on each side of the ball when the Wildcat lines up. Was it also disrespectful when the faggot Patriots were running up the score on every team last year or was it a ‘prolific’ offense??? Worst of all is the explanation that Warren gives is downright fucking stupid. It doesn’t even make sense. It’s an interesting play. It uses an uncommon formation with an unbalanced line. It spiced up our offense, galvanized our team and has taken the NFL by storm. Since that play was implemented, we’re a new team with renewed confidence so fuck you in your double cheeseburger ass, Warren Sapp. May your next order of 50 chicken wings be your last!

The Keys to the Game:

•    The continued effectiveness of the Wildcat. I don’t know how much longer that cooky, badooky offense is gonna work but I’m hoping it lasts a few more games. I was watching ESPN the other night and noticed during a clip of the Chargers/Fins game that Chad turned around like a WR waiting for a screen pass. Crazy. Let’s not forget that Ricky Williams also nearly threw the ball one time last week. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Ronnie bust out with my Westchester, backyard version of the Wildcat and throw the ball to himself for a touchdown (crowd roaring, natch).
•    As star commenter, Tom-Ass pointed out in the comments yesterday, we were supposed to already have the big-bodied, possession guy to make plays and his name was…umm…wait, I know we picked someone up in the offseason for $6 million…shoot…what…was…his…name…..you know him! He just runs around a lot…on the field….hmmm…I can barely picture what he looks like. Funniest thing.
•    Our suddenly badass defense. Whoo-boy! It is fun to watch. They say all great teams are good up the middle. Would be nice if Channing Crowder would actually contribute something other than diving in at the last second to make it look like he was part of the play, but at least we’ve got something there with Jason Ferguson and Yeremiah Bell. Yeremiah was downright sick nasty last week covering Antonio Gates and spreading his own brand of badassery in droves. In this otherwise bear market, I’m going full on bull with Yeremiah. I’m Yeremiah muthafuckas!
•    Speaking of the Defense, we have a big challenge this week against Steve Slaton. This kid is young, healthy and fast. We need to man-up the box and dare Schaub to make plays. We cannot let this little fuck Slaton go for 150 yds and 2 TDs. He must be stopped.
•    Ted Ginn needs to return to the kicking game. I love Bess and I think he’s a shifty little dude but as Omar pointed out this week, few in the NFL bring the skills that Ginn once possessed to the kicking game. We need to see that flair and confidence again. It’s a shame his own teammate destroyed his ankle during that National Championship game because I don’t think he’s ever been the same since then. Up to that point, he probably was worthy of a top 10 selection in the draft but there’s something off about that kid. Also, if he runs out of bounds again when we have the ball and the lead with less than 5 minutes left, I’m hiring a hitman.
•    Can Dan Carpenter go back to kicking balls into the end zone?? I seem to remember him doing this quite a bit in the preseason but lately a lot of those kicks wind up at the 5.
•    I’d pay $100 to watch Nat Moore and Sage Rosenfels do a duel super helicopter dive into defenders. Nat held on to the ball, though.

Prediction: Dolphins 31 – Texans 10

They say good teams beat teams they’re supposed to beat. Yea, the Texans are supposedly a better team than what their record indicates but that’s all horseshit. We’ve surprised one team and beat another very good team at home with a solid win. The next step in our path to greatness means trampling the ever-living-snot out of the crappy teams. Let’s go get that first win against this wanna-be franchise with a laughable fanbase and keep this train bound for glory.

AAAAALLLLLRRRRIIIIGHHHTT, MIIIAAAAMIII!!! (Mandich voice)

-DRK

Warren Sapp Thinks Mother Teresa was Disrespectful to Poor Sick Children for Helping Out all Those Poor Sick Children, and Other Deep Thoughts

2008-10-10T10:53:34-04:00

Warren Sapp says that the Wildcat formation is being disrespectful to defenses:

"[The Wildcat] is disrespectful to all defenses. It's disrespectful. You're taking the best player in the game, the quarterback, and you're putting him out wide, outside the numbers, and you put the running back in the back..."

Other deep, scholarly musings from Warren Sapp:

"When the fire department keeps your house from burning down, that’s just disrespectful to the fire."

"When you watch a movie with your eyes open, that’s just disrespectful to the movie."

"I don't warn people I'm about to have sex with that I have ghonneria. That's just disrespectful to ghonneria."

"When you don’t sucker block someone 52-yards away from the play and nearly end their career, that’s just disrespectful to... hey pork chops!"

"When you don’t challenge an old man twice your age to a fight while you’re still wearing a helmet and shoulder pads, that’s just disrespectful to old people."

"When you read a book, that’s just disrespectful to your brain."

"When you actually shit into the toilet, that’s just disrespectful to the toilet. Not to mention your maid who gets paid to clean your shit off the kitchen floor."

"When you don’t act like a paranoid attention-craving fucktard, that’s just disrespectful to paranoid attention-craving fucktards.

"When you put Preparation-H on a hemorrhoid, that’s just disrespectful to the hemorrhoid."

"When you eat a half dozen jelly donuts covered in maple syrup and mayonnaise, that’s just fucking delicious."

-The DUDE

Roy Williams a Dolphin? Yes, please!

2008-10-09T11:03:25-04:00

Five days til the NFL trade deadline, which means it's that time of year again. Time to talk about trades that will never happen! Hooray!

The Lions' Roy Williams is the guy Parcells needs to go get. Now, dammit! The reasons are plentyful:

1.) Our best reciever right now is Greg Camarillo. Let me say that again: Greg Camarillo.
2.) Roy is unhappy in Detroit, and the fans certainly don't want him there. Meanwhile, rumors of him wanting to be traded have been swirling since last season.
3.) He's a free agent at the end of the season and there doesn't seem to be a huge demand for him right now, which means the Fins could actually get him on the cheap lest the Lions risk losing him and getting nothing for their troubles.
4.) He wants to bang your sister. Okay maybe not. But you should totally let him if he did.

Roy is only 26 and a playmaker. And he's capable of having a thousand yard season when he's properly motivated, as he did in 2006. So, Parcells needs to make this happen. What do you guys think? Yes? No? What would/should we offer Detroit for Williams? I'd give up a 3rd rounder for him. Then do everything possible to keep him here for the long-term. Then we can worry about drafting other positions instead of drafting a rookie receiver and then waiting for him to develop. Chad Henne, Roy Williams, Ronnie Brown. Sounds lovely.

And kudos to Salguero for bringing this up on his blog as well. Gee, the wonders of actually talking FOOTBALL on a FOOTBALL blog! What a concept! Ass.

-The DUDE

It's A Trap!

2008-10-08T13:53:13-04:00

Ethan Skolnick brings up a very interesting point about this week's opponent, the 0-4 Houston Texans:

...after beating the Patriots and Chargers, the trip to Houston qualifies as a bit of a letdown. Even though Tony Sparano wasn't here until this season, he would be wise to remind his players about the Dolphins' recent history against the Texans. The Dolphins are 0-3 against Houston, and there have been some horrible moments.

This is true. No matter how shitty the Texans are playing, they always seem to find their mojo against the Fins. It's really rather irritating.

Houston shocked the heavily favored Fins in week one of 2003 (their 2nd year in existence) and then in 2006, after losing their first few games in embarrassing fashion, upset the Fins again in Week 4. Last season, the Texans murdered Trent Green and then their kicker kicked a bunch of 50 yarders to beat Miami 22-19. Then there was that one time when Jay Fiedler kept finding Marcus Coleman open and kept throwing him the ball (Marcus Coleman was a safety for the Texans). And now, you couldn't have two more diverging teams with the Texans flailing and losing in spectacular fashion while the Fins are going around beating the best teams in the AFC and winning player of week awards and having sexy girls like Rebecca e-mailing me about it. In short, the Fins are in serious danger of getting the shit kicked out of them this week. It's the classic trap game. And it's up to Tony Uge Fuckin Calves to get these guys ready. Not unlike the way Dave Wannstedt did when he wanted to make a point with his masterful motivational techniques:

When Dave Wannstedt hung a crate in the locker room, the players didn't realize it was a lobster trap.

For fucksake. How has Dave Wannstedt escaped doctors, neurologists and scientists?! The man is an human enigma. I really think he needs a team of scientists working round the clock, studying and analyzing his every move. Like they did with the Elephant Man. Also, I think a good kick in the ass will do just fine as far as motivation goes. Just line up the players, and let Tony go to town with his foot. Tony's good with that kind of thing.

-The DUDE

Stuff White People Shouldn't Try, and Ronnie's Awesomeness is Getting Noticed

2008-10-08T11:27:08-04:00

SI's Bucky Brooks lays out the truth: Ronnie Brown has officially entered the offensive player of the year race. Word. Come correct! Fo sheezy! Fabulous!

-The DUDE