Fireworks.Sparkle.Rainbow

okay, NOW I've moved.

2012-01-26T07:41:00.000-08:00

I've moved my blog to wordpress.

http://fireworkssparklerainbow.wordpress.com/

Please come and follow me there!! I love all of my online friends and the comments you all leave!

The Disease

2012-01-06T15:15:00.000-08:00

like a disease
its taking over.
like a sheet of black
its covering my will to live.
any bump knocks me down
breathless from the fall
i begin to plan the end.
its a disease, i tell you.
or a monster.
i have no control over it.
meds only do so much.
but when i see that sheet of black coming my way,
i feel so weak.
my mind bends with it.
contorts and combines with it.
the dark ideas come to a light
and dont seem so dark in the present moment.

my world

2012-01-05T10:54:00.000-08:00

my world, is entwined with yours.
my every thought, consumed by you.
my every ache, caused by the hole you've left.
everywhere i look, there's reference to "Dargle".
i have poems, haiku's, letters, journal entries all oozing with adoration for you.
you seem like a sweet dream that i've woken up from.
something i never really lived.
every song i hear, a lyric reminds me of you
of us.
of what once was.
and now the sweet feelings of that dream are gone.
scarred with what feels like a nightmare.
i feel trapped, hopeless, worthless.
unlovable.
i've created a monster.
and i can't go back.
so forward, i move, with my eyes half covered.
my head down.
watching my toes kick the rocks.

My Reflections

2012-01-04T13:59:00.000-08:00

For the new year, I've decided to take some time to reflect.

Reflect on myself, as to where it is I'm headed.

Reflect on my past, where I've come from, how far I've come.

Reflect on my present, how I'm continuing on my rocky path but overcoming it.

Reflecting on my future. I have my eyes set on the prize, but I know I have things to do before I'm worthy of that prize.

BIG things are on the horizon. And LIFE will go on and on.

amen to that!

the last day of the year....

2011-12-31T11:47:00.000-08:00

todays it.
the last day of 2011.
I'm both excited...
and sad.
The last year that dargle lived.
starting fresh can be a good thing.
but it can also be a scary thing.
your ground is still shaky because you haven't
had time to build on it yet.
i'm on shaky ground right now.
and it freaks the fuck out of me.

C'est la vie....

Carpe diem....

welcome, 2012...i hope you've got some love for me.

Friend or Foe?

2011-12-11T19:35:00.001-08:00

We've all heard the saying "Friend or Foe", right? Well, I've had the "pleasure" of finding out truly who my FRIENDS are versus my FOES.

With three suicide attempts, a brain tumor, depression, anxiety and all that fun shit, Jesus has worked with me personally to "weed out my garden". And what do I mean by that? Well, I mean JUST THAT. He helps me recognize the weeds in my life and He also does the weeding for me. He works in miraculous ways, I must say. So, with all those issues in my life, I have lost friends or given up on friends who just didn't support me or our friendship. As sad as it can be, heart wrenching at times, I just have to look at it with an attitude of "it just wasn't meant to be".

I think its sad that people will turn their backs on their "friends" because of a suicide attempt. I understand its a lot to handle, but don't you think that person needs love instead of banishment? I guess I just understand because I'm "one of those people". You know, a suicidal tendencies kind of gal. Sorry, but I've struggled with this for over a decade now. If you can't wrap your mind around it enough to understand that we need support, bye bye!

I'm just so pissed off, hurt, whatever. All of the above and none at the same time. It hurts but I couldn't care less. I have to move on. I'm a fucking masochist. I enjoy watching my life either bloom or be demolished. Either extreme,

Look at me ranting and raving. I was just going to delete that paragraph, but I thought it'd be "fun" to scratch it out instead. Just so you can see where my mental ass brain goes. Back to the subject...

Now just because someone is not my friend doesn't mean they're my foe. But when "good" friends just turn their backs on you, you can't help but be pissed at them. Like I said earlier, this has happened to me a couple of times before. And it wasn't just because I tried to commit suicide, either. I lost a bunch of friends when I got really sick in the 9th grade. I was sick until almost the end of 10th grade. And again, friends turned their backs on me because I wasn't able to be my old self.

So, I say friends are very needed and loved but also very overrated. Sometimes they just add more hurt and pain to your life than happiness.

I'm am so very thankful to the friends who have stood by me through all of my struggles. You all truly are one in a million.

Thank You!!

Suicide Prevention...How do we prevent suicide?

2011-12-07T11:07:00.001-08:00

Suicide Prevention...How do we prevent suicide?

Well, I'm no expert, I'll tell you that. But with being through 3 suicide attempts myself I feel that I probably have a good idea of what these people need.

Suicide is VERY OFTEN referred to as "trying to get attention". This is such an incorrect assumption. I know, for a fact, for me at least, that I did it to die. I wanted everyone to forget about me. I didn't want "attention". In fact, the very opposite. The very opposite, indeed.

I've learned from my last attempt that I do have a purpose in this world. And what better purpose than to help people who are in need of someone to talk to. And its not just talking to them. Showing a friendship, hope, love. Letting them feel a need to stay with us. I want to be that person that is available to them, 24/7. I don't care if its three in the morning. If you're having suicidal thoughts, I want you/them/whoever to call me.

Reach Out.

its been a month since I last posted...

2011-11-27T20:01:00.001-08:00

and what a crazy month it has been.

I attempted suicide on October 31st by overdosing. I thought I was going to be successful but once again Jesus, my angels or whatever led me out of my motel room where I was discovered by some people (I don't remember anything after taking the pills.)

I lost it. I was begging Dale to take me back the night before and he wouldn't have any of it. I couldn't see any way out of the pain I had put myself through other than to end my life. I was in ICU for a while and then to the Psychiatric Ward it was for me. I was only there for a week before they let me go.

I'm not feeling too into writing these days, but I thought I'd at least give you all an update.

So, until next time...

its been almost two weeks since I last posted...

2011-10-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

Its almost as if I'm hesitant to write about all this. Because writing it will make it that much more true, wont it? :)

its been almost two weeks since i last posted! thats crazy, sorry about that folks. i've been real busy working out all the details to my move! as of right now, i'm set to move to Sherwood, OR. In a beautiful house that sits on the edge of a wildlife preserve!

I'm set to leave Utah on October 31st, which means no Halloween partying for this girl! Its still weird to me. But, i'm doing it!!!

The Oregon Trail...

2011-10-13T04:12:00.000-07:00

That's right folks! I'm packing my bags here shortly and moving to Oregon (the Portland area). Ahhh....Oregon. You remember me yapping about wanting to move to Oregon before, dont you? Well, I do! And its FINALLY happening!

Yes, you all hear me right, its finally happening! I'm getting the HELL out of town! and moving to lush, moist, green grounds like these.....

ahhhhhh.....i can envision it already. So Portland Oregon, here I come!

sick to my stomach.

2011-10-10T07:26:00.000-07:00

i'm sick to my stomach. i can't eat. i can't really sleep (which is REALLY messed up!). and my thoughts keep swirling about inside my head.

i feel so lost.

and alone.

and rejected, don't forget about that one. Even though I was the breaker-upper in this situation, I'm left feeling as though I've been rejected.

he's moved on.

i don't blame him. I would too, if i were him.

and that leaves me with no appetite what-so-ever and now its interfering with my gift of sleep. i'm sitting here, wide awake, after only 3-4 hours of sleep. now that's bullshit!

scream.

2011-10-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

I feel like screaming.

From the bottom of a fucking canyon, or somewhere, I feel like screaming.

I put myself here, now what do I do with myself?

I saw Dale last night and for the first night in a few nights, I cried. I cried on my way home. I did it. I ruined what was between us. forever.

I've been in "hiding"

2011-10-05T10:11:00.000-07:00

I've been in "hiding", from everyone. This breakup thing has been tough on me.

I don't have much to say, yet I have an awe full lot to say at the same time. but I just don't have it in me to write it all right now....I apologize for that.

New Place....New...everything.

2011-10-01T19:42:00.000-07:00

I'm living in a new place now. I'm not with Dale anymore. Guess I should fix my blog....sigh. I don't want to! BUT, I will.

One day.

It just wasn't meant to be, I suppose.

2011-09-29T21:42:00.000-07:00

I'm staring at the blinking cursor, wondering..."where the Hell do I even start???"

I'm sick to my stomach. I can barely eat anything. I feel so, out of place.

No matter what I do, where I go, who I'm with, I feel uncomfortable. Yes, even with Dale now, knowing that I'm moving this Saturday and he doesn't seem to really care. Its all in the palms of his hands and he's choosing to drop me.

I can't really blame him, children are a lot of work, but I mean come on man, you're getting old!

Enough about him, I don't want to "bash" on him, I love him with all my heart....

But my heart literally feels like its ripping into two. I had already envisioned us together until we died. But I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

A Haiku, for You, My Love...

2011-09-27T15:19:00.000-07:00

Dale, I will miss you,
the way you would cheer me up,
the way you love me.

I will love you always,
I thank you for your kindness,
Your spirit, your love, you.

A part of me dies,
but a part of me will live,
and i will be fine.

Dargle.Time.Excellent
2/10/2005-9/26/2011

Heart Broken With Some Hope

2011-09-27T09:15:00.000-07:00

I'm heart broken as I write this post as Dale and I have broken up. I just know I'm meant to be a mother, and he is sticking to his "guns" that he doesn't want children. I love Dale so much, everything about him...he's perfect, except he doesn't want to commit or have children.

But...there's hope for my sadness to go away. Hope that I can one day say, "I am a Mommy".

Yet tears stream down my face. My gut is aching. I can barely catch my breath.

I love you Dale, but I have to fulfill my destiny. <3

Our "System" Sucks!

2011-09-25T13:41:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of being worried...."will I have insurance???" With being on disability they give you Medicare and Medicaid. Medicare, after two years of being on disability (so I'm not eligible) and Medicaid....sigh...Medicaid. Oh Medicaid. The headaches and extra stress you have caused me. They think that my whopping $1200.00 bucks a month from disability is too much therefore are asking me (more like REQUIRING ME) to pay $400.00 per month just to be covered. Um. I'm already in the poverty area with what I get from Disability. How the hell am I supposed to come up with $400.00 per month???

It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. But I have to think about it. It's necessary that I receive medical care and get my meds.

And I can't get on a lower priced insurance plan due to my "pre-existing conditions". That's when the pessimism sets in. "Why the fuck was I given this brain tumor???" I know the answer, yes I do. To fuck with me for the rest of my life.

I think our system is bullshit. Our healthcare is a joke. And nothing seems to get done. Who's supposed to take care of these things? Do I need to become a squeaky wheel? Cause I'm good at that. I'm really good at that.

shit i hate sunday

2011-09-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

shit i hate..... fucking headaches....GO AWAY ALREADY!!! So glad my neurosurgeon told me they would go away within one to two years.....ten years ago.

shit i hate...... being stood up. Don't we all? If its not me being stood up, I'm standing someone up, fucking vicious cycle!

shit i hate..... the damn game of weight loss! I'm so over going up, going down. Staying level, then going back up. I wish it were easier like Rockin' Mama says (I'm not wearing any makeup! LOL)

shit i hate..... dressing normal. If I could dress up every day, I would! ( bumble bee, fire woman, wonder woman, skunk, etc )

shit i hate..... responsibility. there. I said it. I'm terrified of it. So what of it?

A Reflection

2011-09-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

I have been so {focused} on the past. So focused that I've nearly missed the present moment(s). So focused that I haven't planned for the future.

This is all changing.

I'm coming to terms with my past. And leaving it there, in the past. No, I won't forget the lessons I've learned from the mistakes I've made and such but to simply {FOCUS} on it ALL the time just doesn't seem healthy for me.

And its not just that either. I'm all too focused on {ME}. And that's a lovely insight to have you see, for then I can fix it! I want/need to be more focused on others. Helping them, loving them, etc.

So, with that I leave you with the thoughts of "where can I help out most?".

4

2011-09-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

4 reasons I can not explain, 4 reasons I can explain, I will always love you.

4 seasons come, 4 seasons go, and still we are without you.

4 the many unanswered questions, 4 the many prayers sent your way, stay little star.

4 on this day of both happiness and sadness. 4 you, Abram.

I can't believe you'd be 4 today....

Love you, little friend.

Exercise...Does a body GOOD!

2011-09-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

I have been exercising everyday for the past two to three weeks and I gotta tell ya, I feel fantastic!

Hey!

2011-09-18T22:44:00.000-07:00

Hey! I've totally redone my photo blog! You should check check check it out!

www.fsrphotographicdesign.blogspot.com

Stream of Consciousness

2011-09-18T14:58:00.000-07:00

Being in "tune" with your body and thoughts is a very important thing. I'm learning this. Those nasty negative thoughts really can "come to life", that is if you believe and think it so. I've been digging, digging deep into my soul. And as Regina Spektor says in her song "On The Radio", I have been working at "You peer inside yourself, You take the things you like And try to love the things you took. And then you take that love you made and stick it into some, someone else's heart, pumping someone else's blood." Such a beautiful verse...

In the past, I've been WAY to hard on myself! Loathing myself; sitting in a brew of hatred. But now, I'm consciously taking the things I'm good at, practicing them and turning them into love. I'm proud of my artwork (photography included), I'm proud of myself for fighting to be optimistic!

Create It. Control It. Own It.

2011-09-18T14:16:00.000-07:00

I must say that I have been doing exceedingly well at controlling what I'm creating! Its been a tough road to travel, but I'm enjoying the challenge. It helps that I'm taking my medications and exercising daily.

This is just a simple update on my Create It. Control It. Own It. challenge. I'm losing weight, feeling good and being optimistic!