First comes Love, Second comes Marriage

A Tribute

2021-07-10T23:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a month since my aunt died completely unexpectedly. I'll never forget the phone call from my dad. I was on my way home from the park with all my children, and I had a few missed calls from my dad, which was a little unusual. I was curious as to what it was all about, so I called him back, and I knew something was up straight away. He paused and just took a deep breath and said Laurie is dead. I gasped and asked questions as I do, and couldn't hurry home fast enough. I called Peter just crying and told him I needed him to meet me outside the house, and I started running home with all my kids and a strider bike.

To say that news was one of the biggest shocks of my life truly isn't an understatement. I feel like I'm still reeling from the timing of it all. She had JUST retired early. She had JUST closed on the sale of her Seattle house. She had JUST finished relocating to her new Tacoma home. We had just had a conversation about coming to her house for Father's day as a housewarming/Father's day celebration. And I keep thinking about all the things that were left unsaid, all the questions left unasked.

And I still can't believe she's actually gone. Today we gathered with my mom's family to celebrate her life, and I just kept thinking, she should be here with us. And last week when we gathered for the 4th of July, I had the same thought. And I'm sitting here in the dark, as it's the only time I can carve out time to write, and I'm just wondering how long a person has these types of thoughts for.

To be honest, I was 35 when someone really close to me died, and it was my 94-year-old grandma. And I'll never forget receiving that news from my dad, only to receive that same news from my dad a week later in regards to my other grandma's death. So in a matter of a week, I lost both my grandmas, but they were 94 and 93 they had both lived very long and full lives and their death did not come as a shock to me but rather as a relief to be honest. And my aunt's death was so shocking, that I don't think I've fully processed it all. One day she was alive, and the next day she wasn't. And I think we're all traumatized by the suddenness of it all, my parents especially. My mom especially - she has experienced so much loss and trauma over her life, with her brother tragically dying at the age of 17, her dad dying at 64, her mom dying at 93, and now her sister at 64. She's the only one left from her original family unit of 5. And I just can't imagine that loss, how deep it runs.

And so tonight I come to the keyboard with a heavy heart. My heart aches for the loss as we are just filled with grief. And as everyone has reminded me, this has been a tough year for my family, covid aside. We've just walked through alot of stuff - with a stroke, a pulmonary embolism, a job loss, a new babe in the family, developmental issues with my kids, a new relationship, and now the loss of my aunt. It's felt like alot, and yet, we've also never gathered so much or loved each other deeper than we have this past year. And we saw so much of my aunt this past year, and I'm so grateful for that time.

We had all gathered just a few weeks before my aunt died for my brother's birthday, and I said to my family, I don't even remember saying goodbye to her. And my sister said I remember you hugging her and telling her you loved her, and I'm so grateful for that memory of hers.

There are so many memories over the last few years - some of my favorites are just her stopping by my house unannounced as she lived just 25 blocks from us, the most recent being her stopping by just a few months ago when I was in the bathroom and I remember coming out and she was just sitting on my couch with a smile on her face, waiting to greet me. And another time was when I was having a hard day, and I think I was crying when I heard a knock on the door and I remember looking through the peephole and seeing her face on the other side and opening the door wide to allow her into that moment with me. And I remember asking her how she knew I needed her, and she said I didn't, I just wanted to come over to see you guys and so I did.

So many holidays spent together, so many birthdays celebrated, so many random family dinners. So much joy and so much laughter, even amidst all the hard things she had overcome in her 64 years. There are so many things I will miss, but mostly I'll just miss our conversations and her beautiful presence. And I am eternally grateful for the countless memories we had as a family over the last few years. She loved us all so, so big, with everything she could, with so much generosity and in such abundance. And I am forever changed by that love.

This loss has just reminded me to not take a single moment of this life for granted. Make that phone call, kiss your partner, hug your loved ones. stop by to say hello to that person you're thinking about, do all the things, don't wait. None of us are guaranteed a day.

She believed in the sheer goodness of people, that there is always light amidst the darkness. That is who she was and that is who her Heavenly Father is, always providing light in that darkness. So while she may not be here with us in body, she will always be with us in spirit.

Lord she is yours, and you have called her home.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

2020-12-31T23:17:00.000-08:00

This is what I put together for our Christmas letter this year, and as I sit here just hours from 2020 coming to a close, I'm reminded just how much more I could have said about this last year. But maybe I'll just save that for another day. And for now, I'll just say, 2020 was filled with so many life changes and fun adventures and I look forward to seeing what God has in store for our family as we continue to abide by Him and allow Him to guide our path.

Every day since Thanksgiving I've been saying to Peter, I need to write our Christmas letter. I need to get on that. And every single day, after we put the kids to bed, I tap out a few sentences and continue to put it off! So here we are, a week into December. The kids are fast asleep, and I have no excuse. However, the truth is, I don't really know what to say about this year. Or perhaps I don't really know where to start? So I'll just start at the beginning.

The year started off on a high note with a family trip to Hawaii, then COVID hit. Soon after that in-person learning ended for my kids, my mom had a stroke the same day I found out I was losing my job, and my dad landed himself in the hospital with a pulmonary embolism just a few days after my mom came home from rehab. Let's just say it was a wild few months for our family, and honestly, it's been a wild year.

I feel like it's fair to say that this year has felt really hard in so many different ways for so many people, and yet this year has also held so many silver linings amidst all those hard moments. Over this last year, we've watched friends walk through cancer diagnoses, treatment and surgeries, job losses, babies being born, depression, feelings of isolation, relatives dying, marital issues, and the list goes on and on. The reality is, life goes on even amidst a pandemic - we still experience the lowest of lows and the highest of highs, we still grieve and rejoice, we still despair and hope. If this year has taught me anything it's how we can hold all of those emotions simultaneously. How we can grieve the situation we find ourselves in, while also rejoicing in that same situation. I can grieve the job loss; yet also rejoice in the extra family time. I can grieve the loss of alone time, while also rejoicing in all of this togetherness.

When I think back on this last year, I can see that even amidst all the hard stuff there was so much joy. And so much togetherness. Let's definitely not forget all the togetherness! We did a two-week road trip down the Oregon coast into Northern California in honor of Peter's 40th birthday. So many miles traveled, so many places visited, so many beds slept in, so much laughter, and so many beautiful memories made. Peter's already daydreaming about our next adventure. We hope to do an extended stay in Ireland sometime next year. But alas, we wait to see how things unfold.

We learned so much this year. Peter learned how to work amidst the chaos and the noise that is our home. Jack learned that he loves history and facts! Ryan learned how to read and write. Conor learned so many new words and he learned how to use the potty! And I've learned that there's still so much growth to be done in me - I love my children, but I've never spent this much time with them. You can just imagine how the day unfolds, the energy, the noise, the laughter, the yelling, the tears. Sounds delightful doesn't it? Every single day I'm so grateful for the Lord's grace, for the Hope that is found in Him, and that His mercies are new every morning!

And if there's anything we have all learned over the last several years it's that life is filled with so much waiting and hoping. And this last year has been filled with so much of both. We wait and hope for healing, we wait and hope for a new job, we wait and hope for different circumstances in a new year. And here we are in December, waiting and hoping. So much growth happens in the waiting. And I love that growth. My hope and prayer is that we all come out of this year stronger, stronger in our character, stronger in our faith, stronger in our relationships, more aware of what is important to us, more able to strip away all the things that don't matter and grow hopeful hearts, especially in this Advent season.

With Love and Hope,

Peter, Malia, Jack (soon to be 8), Ryan (just turned 6) + Conor (2 3/4)

Happy {4th} Birthday Ryan!

2020-04-26T15:48:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Ryan,

As I put you to bed on the eve of your 4th birthday, I snuggled you and held you close and started telling you about your birth story and where I was 4 years ago as I eagerly awaited and anticipated your arrival. And I started weeping right there in your bed as I held you and relived it all. And you turned to me and said mama, I need to give you a hug and a kiss, and you placed your hands on each side of my face and kissed me and wrapped your little arms around me, and I just wept more.

I just kept saying, it was just so beautiful and I feel so grateful for every single moment of it, especially now after Conor's birth story. And it feels incredibly surreal to have even experienced a glimpse of a relatively 'normal' delivery and birthing experience is like. I mean I was still hospitalized days prior to your arrival and I was induced, so there were alot of added things that some mamas don't experience. But I labored with you and experienced contractions and a vaginal delivery after a c-section and that feels like such an incredibly beautiful feat now. To think you were my only babe I held straight away, my only babe I breastfed straight away, my only babe that left the hospital when I left. It all feels so overwhelming to be honest, and I'm just so grateful for your story, but it all feels slightly painful as I had hoped Conor's story would be mroe like yours.

I had hoped and prayed for a different story after Jack's, and just feel so grateful for your birth story.

It was all so beautiful and redemptive and healing for my broken heart which I didn’t even realize needed mending until I had you. And it was all such a gift from God to be able to have a different birth experience, to experience a c-section with your brother and a vaginal birth with you. And then to bring you home from the hospital just 24 hours after having you felt like an even greater gift.

Your story means something different to me now that I know it's my only one like this. And it feels so heavy and so good, and as I look at photos from that day 4 years ago, I see a brave and courageous woman who has tears streaming down her face from the pain. I can hear the worship music playing in the room and I can sense the anticipation as she awaits the unknown of your arrival, as she hopes for a new story. The space feels sacred and holy - all of it feels like an act of worship. Every contraction, every tear, every push an act of worship.

And when i think about it all, I'm just filled wish such a deep, deep, deep sense of gratitude. What a privilege to have experienced this 'normal' birth experience. And it feels slightly painful as well, to think I'd hoped Conor's birth story would be more like yours than Jack's, to think this 'normal' birth experience begins and ends with you.

Ryan Alexander, my second born, my middle child. Just yesterday you woke up a little too early for my liking, and you crawled into bed with me and you wouldn't stop talking. You just kept talking and talking and talking, and I turned to you and said lovie, let's go back to bed, and you snuggled up next to me because you have to be like right next to me at all times, and you fell right back to sleep. Sometimes you just turn to me and kiss me and say I love you mama! You are a mamas boy and won't let dada do certain things because you want mama to do it.

You are fierce and you are opinionated and you don't really take no for an answer! I've realized that you are my spirited child and sometimes it's easier to not fight you on the small things. So quite often, you wear your pjs to school drop off and yesterday you wore your pjs, your crocs, a hat and a scarf. It was so good, and you were so pleased with yourself. You're really opinionated about what you wear and you wore the same pjs every night for awhile there - good thing Jack had the same ones, so when yours were dirty you could wear his!

We've learned alot about you this past year, and we've realized we have to give you the space to make your own decisions about things and you'll do it all in your own time, and if you wet your pants or your bed because you refuse to go potty, then so be it (in all honesty though, your bladder is insane and you can hold it for far longer than I'd like you to!), and if you are cold because you refused to put on a coat, then so be it, and if you refuse to get your shoes on, then you can't come. So this last year has really been reinforcing cause and effect and consequences, fun times for all!

You want to do everything yourself and you LOVE helping me with anything and everything! You especially love baking, and anything that involves sugar.

You started at a new preschool this year and you LOVE it so much. You'd go every single day if you could and you love talking about all your new friends. And your teacher is always talking about how you're such a cool dude! You walk into your classroom like you own the place, without so much as a backward glance.

You are Mr. Independent, and you are completely indifferent to other's opinions of you. You are so use to being around people all the time that you'd prefer playing with someone over playing alone every time. And even when you are playing alone, you want to be like right next to me or you want my eyes on you. And when you're doing something you're not suppose to be doing or eating something I told you not to eat, you walk out of the room and say "nothing". It's so funny. Sometimes I have to hold back the laughter.

Here's to 4 years Ryan Alexander! What a gift you are to our family and to this world!

Love,

Your Mama

Conor Christopher: Fourteen months

2020-04-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

Conor by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12 // 13

Growing // Just a few days before you were officially 14 months, you had an appointment at Children's and there you weighed 18 lbs even (3rd percentile) and you measured 27 inches in length (still not on the charts for that!).

Eating + Sleeping // You are consuming about 6-8 oz 4 times a day, but just in the last few days you've definitely upped your food intake and decreased your liquid intake. You really love eating food, and it's so fun to watch you explore all the things on your tray. You can pick up all sorts of things with your little fingers. You love rice cakes with almond butter, and potatoes and cheese and toast. You really like french fries. And you fuss when you want more of something. You try everything, but you definitely don't like everything and you've started tossing things on the ground!!

You are still an incredible sleeper! Nothing much has changed there.

Wearing // You're wearing 12 month pants and 9 month onesies, but I'm thinking you may be able to wear 12 month onesies. And you're in 12 month pajamas and size 3 diapers and still wearing your cloth diapers, but they sure do leak now after so many washes and so many kids, so I'm constantly changing your diaper.

Loving // You really love this little egg shaker thing. You hold onto it so tight with your little hands and freak out when you drop it or it's out of your reach. You love peek a boo and playing on the floor and rolling around to get yourself places. You love pulling on the light cord above your crib.

Loathing // You really loathe when you lose your grip on your little egg shaker! And you really don't like when your brothers are rough with you. They are always picking you up and sitting you up and laying you on the ground.

Nicknames // Connie bearsy

Doing // You are pivoting and rolling all around to get where you need to go. And you are getting yourself stuck in things as you push yourself backward. You are waving and clapping and kissing me. You grab the side of my face and plant your mouth on me. It's the best. And you are holding your bottle. You get really fussy when you want your bottle and arch your back if you're on the ground and as soon as I hand your bottle to you, you hold onto it and start gulping it down. You need some assistance and can't hold it the whole time!

Doctors Appointments // 2 occupational therapy appointments, 1 pulmonology appointment at Children's, and 1 pre-anesthesia appointment at Children's (prep for your surgery) - and that's it! You'll have more appointments next month, but I'm just embracing the open calendar.

Milestones // You survived your first Buskirk family getaway! And you also survived alot of your brother's tball games!

Jack by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12
Ryan by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 //12

Conor Christopher: Thirteen Months

2020-04-26T15:24:00.001-07:00

Conor by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12

Growing // At your pulmonology appointment at Childrens (just three days after you turned 13 months) you weighed 17 lbs 3 oz (2nd percentile) and measured 26.5 inches in length (0 percentile).

Eating + Sleeping // You are eating about 8 oz 4 times a day and you are eating just formula these days! I am no longer pumping, which feels so incredibly bittersweet but it's extremely freeing. You've started slamming your legs down on the ground and fussing alot when you're hungry. So it's truly made feeding you easy as we're finally seeing you use all sorts of cues to communicate with us. And you've started to play with my hair when I feed you. It's so cute. You really love feeding yourself food these days. At first it was us feeding you little bits, but now you just purse your lips until we put it out in front of you for you to pick up yourself. Mr. Independent. You still aren't a huge fan of fruit, not even bananas. But you really love bread, potatoes, carrots, avocado, string cheese, cereal, meat, broccoli. You're really happy just eating anything you can feed yourself!

The end of this month we tossed your wedge away. We kept finding you in the cracks of your pack n play as you kept falling off your wedge. You'd kick against the pack in play and the wedge just fell apart with the momentum of your body I think. So one night, I just decided to toss out the wedge and throw your crib mattress into the pack n play, and you slept flat on your back the rest of the night. There were a few times where it took you a short while to go to bed, I'm considering that an adjustment period. But you're sleeping like a champ on it now! You're still in our room, and we really need to move you out, but it's no bother to have you in with us since you sleep straight through the night - 6:30-6:30 or so. You're always the first one up! And then you're doing two naps still, morning and afternoon. But I'm always having to wake you up from your afternoon nap to go get Jack from school. Bless you baby!

Wearing // The last week or so I've had you in alot of 12 month rompers. And all of your pajamas are 12 months, but most of your onesies are still 9 months and your pants are 9-12 months. It's wild to think you're wearing some 12 month things as technically according to your due date you're just 10 months.

Loving // You really love sitting in your highchair and feeding yourself. And you love playing on the floor and rolling around. You really love when I sing to you - you always get a giant smile on your face. And you love reading books! And you really love your brothers. And you love waking up in the mornings and are all smiles and squeals when I get you out of your bed. You love slamming your legs on the ground, so you lay on your back and lift your legs up and bang them on the ground.

Loathing // You really loathe when anyone takes your toys away.

Nicknames // Connie bearsy

Doing // You cut two more teeth this month - two top ones. You are sitting on your own!! You've gotten so good at this, I don't even worry one bit about you. And you finally rolled from back to front. You really just love playing on the floor and rolling around! And I got rid of your baby bath, so you're bathing in the bath like a big boy now.

Doctors Appointments // 3 occupational therapy appointments, 1 visit to North Seattle Pediatrics for 12 month checkup. And that's it! Crazy to think how much your appointments have dwindled, you'll have a few next month, and a bunch in July for your 15 month appointments, but we've really made it through the masses.

Milestones // First Easter, first time in a shopping cart, first birthday party at Richmond Beach, first mothers day with you home!!

Jack by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12
Ryan by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 //12

Merry Christmas from the Drennan Family

2019-12-26T21:26:00.000-08:00

This is what I put together for our Christmas letter this year. And funny enough, multiple people have commented on my Christmas letter and how I was just commenting on how "normal" this year was and how ironic it was that we found ourselves in the ER on Christmas Eve. Conor's little arm is now covered in a full cast, his fingertip stitched back on, and our older boys have learned the consequence of slamming doors in our house. Jack's just a few weeks shy from turning 7, and this was our first true emergency, which had me sitting on the ground between the two seats holding Conor's hand to stop the blood from pouring out while Peter drove like a safe and speedy maniac to the hospital. Conor cried nonstop for all but 1.5 hours of our 5 hour stay, and I don't blame him as his bone was exposed and his fingertip was hanging on by the tiniest bit of skin. Let's just say, I'm glad that event is over with, as I think we were all left a little traumatized. Anyhow, without further ado. Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

I spent some time tonight reading over our past Christmas letters, and year after year, there was something BIG to write about – babies being born, lots of NICU stays, lots of doctor’s visits, a miscarriage, job loss, a climbing accident, the list goes on. And this year, I’m not too sure what to write about. The normalcy of life perhaps? As normal as life can be with three exceptionally energetic boys. I literally give myself a pep talk every day when I wake up (or more like when my children wake me up) – God has created you for this! You’ve got this Malia! He has entrusted these boys into your hands because He believes you are capable.

And if there’s anything we have learned over the last several years it’s that through Christ we are capable. Through Him we can endure the hard things. We can hold fast to Him while we walk through it, knowing and remembering that He will rescue us, and with time He will heal us, we will recover, and there will be light again. This is the message God has given our family time and time again, and this is the message we have been able to share with dear friends and family as they have walked through some hard stuff this past year.

Peter deemed this last year our year of recovery. And it truly has been a year of looking back and acknowledging all the trauma we’ve walked through over the last several years as we figure out the best way forward. And if I’m honest, it’s the first year in a long time where we’ve been on the other side of things, where we can truly see the way God is using our personal experiences to minister to those who are walking through what we have walked through. And it’s powerful. Being able to sit with people in their grief, to be able to empathize and truly understand their pain, to hear the unspoken words. It’s so incredibly powerful. And that’s all we ever hope for right, that God would use us and our stories to glorify Himself, that our life experiences would have Kingdom purpose.

Speaking of Kingdom purpose, this year Peter and I celebrated 10 years of marriage! We traveled to Ireland for 3 weeks to visit Peter’s family, and words can’t even do the trip justice. Just know it was an incredibly memorable time – we met our nephews for the first time and had so many special moments with family. Our next visit can’t come soon enough! And while we were there, we got away to Berlin for a few days sans kiddos to celebrate our anniversary. It was such a gift to reflect on the last 10 years and the anniversaries that have come before this one. We have lived so much life together, grown up together, raised babies together, cried together, laughed together, and this last year has been such an incredible year of self-discovery and self-reflection as we dive deeper into who God has created the other to be. I love that man so much, what a gift it is to walk through this life with him. He makes me better, and God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought this American girl and this Irish guy together all those years ago.

And here we are in December, fully acknowledging the joy and pain this season can bring. Our hope and prayer is that we continue to live with our eyes wide open to the joy and the pain in this world, and that our family can offer a glimpse of Christ’s Peace here on Earth. May you see and experience the peace of Christ this season and always!

Anniversary: Here's to Ten years!

2019-10-22T11:42:00.001-07:00

Anniversary 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9

Our anniversary was two months ago, and I sit here in awe that we've been married for TEN years!

When I think back to our wedding day ten years ago, we never ever would have envisioned just what would be in store for us, for our marriage, for our family. Who knew we'd walk through all that we've walked through. I know we sure didn't envision all the trials we'd have.

But God did.

We knew we wanted children, but we never knew what that life would actually look like, how full and loud life could be, nor did we envision that we'd have three boys.

But God did.

He knew we'd be well matched for each other - He knew my energy would see us through, and your consistent and solid nature would sustain us.

He knew I'd never sit down, and I'd need you to call me to the couch.

And as I sit here, with all our children at my feet, I'm just so filled with gratitude for you.

My friend, my lover, my partner, my supporter, my comedian.

In all honesty, I feel like this past year has been a year of trying to hear each other amidst the chaos and the noise, a year of connecting, of sharing dreams and our vulnerable hearts, of declaring needs and desires as we delve even deeper into who we are and who God has created us to be, and as we further chip away at the things that draw us apart as we desire to draw near to each other.

And it's been really humbling for me to look back over the trajectory of our relationship and our marriage and remember our early days. And if I'm honest, I feel like I spent the first few years of our relationship and maybe the first years of our marriage trying to make you into someone you weren't. And I've spent the last 8 years trying to undo all the damage I've done as I lean into who you fully are, as I see and pay witness to the unique gifts and abilities God has given you. And as I acknowledge and affirm the man God has created you

to be, while leaning into the woman God has created me to be and reminding myself that we are different and there is so much good in those differences.

And when I think back over this last year, I think this idea around difference is what resonates most with me. We have spent alot of time talking about who we are, about our differences, about our weaknesses and our strengths, about our individual needs, about our energy levels, about how we get filled up. And I feel like this is the first year, where we've really put words to those differences and delighted in them (thank you enneagram - I'm an 8, Peter's a 5).

And I'm so grateful.

This morning, you kissed me goodbye and I snuggled deeper under the covers with a child at my side. And your kiss lingered on my lips, and I just thought, I'm so grateful for this man, for his spirit, for his joy, for his truth.

I had no idea what God was doing all those years ago, sending me to Ireland on a mission trip, but He did. And even after I met you and before we properly started dating, I knew I'd marry you. I had no idea how God was going to work it all out, but He knew, and I may have thought the idea of a cross cultural marriage a little crazy and far fetched, but He didn't.

He knew exactly what He was doing bringing us together.

And there's something so incredibly satisfying and freeing as I trust and lean into God's story. He knows His will for our lives, and I trust that will.

May we never lose sight of the one who has called us to each other.

And may we never lose sight of God's purpose within us, as our marriage is our greatest ministry.

I love you,

Malia

Conor Christopher: Twelve Months

2019-06-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

Conor by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11

This has been such a fun month with you! You're really starting to show your personality and have preferences and I love it. You're making your voice heard in this family of ours, and it makes my heart so incredibly happy.

Growing // At your 12 month appointment you weighed 16 lbs 14 oz (2nd percentile), measured 27 inches in length (0 percentile) and your head circumference was 48 cm (93rd percentile).

Eating + Sleeping // You are eating between 6-8 oz at each feed and you are eating a combination of breastmilk and formula about 5 times a day. We are still fortifying your breastmilk with formula, but the majority of your intake is formula now as I'm just not pumping enough milk. I love feeding you, and when it's feeding time I wrap you up in a blanket and you start sucking on your tongue and we sit in the rocking chair and I feed you in the same position as I have for the last 9 months, with you nestled in my right arm and the bottle in my left. Sometimes you play with my hair, other times you play with my fingers and sometimes you hold the bottle. And quite often, Ryan mounts himself up on the arm of the rocking chair and smothers you with kisses or tries to hold the bottle for you. And you love eating solid foods! You are still not a huge fan of pureed stuff, so we've just been feeding you tiny pieces of real food. You aren't a huge fan of fruit (berries, bananas, etc), but you love most other things - cheese, cheerios, oatmeal, rice, carrots, green beans, broccoli, chicken, minced meat, steak, potatoes, sweet potatoes, avocado.

And you sleep like a champ! You typically go to bed around 6:30 and you're up by 6:30, and we don't hear a peep from you throughout the night. You're still sleeping in our room on your wedge - you've done a nap or two in your crib. And we've talked about moving you out of our room, but your dada's not quite ready for that yet! You nap two times a day - the first nap is around 9:30 and you typically nap for an hour, and the second one is around 1 and you nap for about an hour, maybe longer.

Wearing // You started the month off wearing mostly 6 month things, and then I transferred that stuff out and moved your 9 month things into your bin, and by the end of the month, I had moved out all your 9 months pajamas and moved your 12 month pajamas in. They're still a bit big, but some of them fit you perfectly! It's so exciting to see you filling out your clothes. You've grown so much! And you're in a size 2 diaper. I did buy some size 3 diapers, but we were gifted a bunch of size 2s, so we have you in those. And you're wearing your cloth diapers too.

Loving // You really love to eat food. You're like a little birdie, opening your mouth when a food item comes your way. It's the cutest thing! And you love just playing on the floor with your toys and you love having anything and everything in your mouth. You really love all your teething toys right now and you love knawing at baby carrots.

Loathing // You hate when you drop something you're chewing on. You start crying and fussing, and I know I'm going to find your treasured item either on the floor or just out of your reach!

Nicknames // We're still calling you Connie and Connie bears.

Doing // You are teething! And you cut four teeth this month - top two first and bottom two and you have two more coming in up top. And you started sitting! I still feel uneasy leaving you to sit on your own, but you just fall forward or sometimes you fall backward. You're so close to rolling from your back to your front, but you're not quite there yet. You can roll from your back to your side and you stretch for toys around you, but you're just not quite making the roll back to your tummy. You definitely spend more time on your tummy than you did a few months ago - before you'd just roll straight onto your back haha!

Doctors Appointments // 2 occupational therapy appointments, 1 visit to North Seattle Pediatrics for RSV shot, and 1 WIC appointment.

Milestones // First St. Paddy's day - we ventured downtown via the bus for the parade! First time in the nursery at church, dada and I had a date night and dropped you off for the parents night out. First boat ride! First family picnic at Richmond Beach.

Jack by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12
Ryan by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 //12

Conor Christopher: Eleven Months

2019-06-29T22:18:00.000-07:00

Conor by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10

Growing // Around 11 months you weighed 16 lbs 4 oz (1st percentile)! You had multiple appointments this month, and this was the first month your weight made it's mark on the charts, putting you in the 1st percentile! That felt like a huge accomplishment.

Eating + Sleeping // You are eating between 6-8 oz at each feed and you are eating a combination of breastmilk and formula about 5/6 times a day. You are eating so well these days, and I love snuggling up with you in the rocking chair. And you are eating all sorts of solid foods, preferring actual food, so more baby led weaning than I've ever done with any of my other kids. You're not really feeding yourself and picking things up from your tray, but you open your mouth like a little birdie when food gets close and if the food item is big enough you're holding it in your hand. You love eggs and bread and broccoli and potatoes. You really love anything we give you! You love cereal and crackers!

You are such a good sleeper. And we are letting you sleep through the night now. I was waking you up to feed before I went to bed to get some extra ounces in you and some days you'd take it willingly and other days you wouldn't, so I'd just put you back in your bed. But we stopped giving you your reflux meds this month and you threw up three nights in a row when I'd wake you up around 10/11 pm to eat, and all of this required an entire outfit change and bedding change, so we decided that maybe it was time to just let you sleep!

You're doing just two naps a day, sometimes three, but more likely just two for a total of 2-3 hours, with an early bedtime at like 6:30 and you're waking up around 6:30. And you're napping in your rock n play and then on your wedge at night.

And in the morning when I grab you from your bed, you're the happiest guy, you just smile at me and babble and it's the most beautiful thing.

Wearing // You are wearing a combination of 6 and 9 month pants and onesies, most of your pajamas are 9 months and I've been putting you in some 12 month pajamas. I've started to move your 6 month clothes out of your container and moving your 9 month things in. Size 2/3 diapers and your cloth diapers.

Loving // You really love to eat and you love just observing everything!

Loathing // Same thing as every month - your brothers are really rough with you and take your toys from you! I'll put you down somewhere and I'll come back into the room and they've moved you.

Nicknames // Connie, Connie bears

Doing // You are waving! And you are still sitting up in your bumbo and other items. You aren't a huge fan of staying on your tummy these days! So I have to give you things to engage you so that you'll stay in position rather than just rolling over straight away.

Doctors Appointments // 1 visit to pulmonology and nutrition at Childrens, 1 WIC appointment, 1 occupational therapy appointment, 1 visit to North Seattle Pediatrics for RSV shot, 1 visit to Northwest Eye Surgeons, 1 visit to infant development clinic at UW.

Milestones // first time in a highchair at a restaurant, first passport photo.

Jack by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12
Ryan by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 //12

Conor Christopher: Ten Months

2019-06-29T21:59:00.001-07:00

Conor by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9

Growing // Around 10 months you weighed 15 lbs 3 oz, measured 25.2 inches in length and your head circumference was 46.5 cm (79th percentile). Your head is still the only thing on the chart for your actual age! But we know you'll get there in time.

Eating + Sleeping // Most days you're eating 5 times a day and we're mixing formula with your breastmilk still for the extra calories. And typically you consume 6/8 ounces each time. And we're slowly introducing you to new solids. I gave you a giant carrot this month as a teething toy and you loved that! And you love just getting your fingers in all the food and getting messy. I've given you some rice cereal and other pureed items, but truly, you still don't really like the pureed stuff. You really just love sitting in your highchair and observing everything.

I'm still waking you up at night before I go to bed to eat, but I'm thinking this may have been the month we just let you sleep until morning without waking you up 6-7 hours after your last feed. Or it could have been at 9 months, quite frankly, I can't remember! But I'm sure it was somewhere around this timeframe. And you just transitioned so easily. You're still sleeping on your wedge, and I'm zipping you up into your Magic Merlin sleep suit. You love that thing and sleep so well, it's wild.

Wearing // You're wearing some 9 month onesies and 9 month pajamas, but most of your clothing items are still 6 month things. And you're wearing your cloth diapers and size 2 diapers at night!

Loving // You smile and laugh so much! It's fantastic. You love when anyone pays attention to you and you love when we read books to you. And your brothers love holding you! And I think you're enjoying your bouncer and getting the hang of how it actually works. And I just think you love being up off the ground - so you love sitting up in your basket and sitting in the bumbo. And you seem to like your glasses!

Loathing // You don't really love when I wash your hair, but then again who would! And you don't really like shots - you've been getting shots to prevent RSV monthly and then whatever other shots you have on top of that with your regular checkups, and it's so sad.

Doing // We transitioned you to a proper baby bath! It would work better if you could actually sit up, but you are leaning back on it, and loving it. You are bouncing/twirling away in your bouncer. You are babbling and talking alot.

Doctors appointments // 2 Occupational therapy appointments, 1 appointment at childrens with pre-anesthesia, 1 visit to North Seattle pediatrics.

Milestones // First snow, first time in a proper baby bath.

Jack by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12

Ryan by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 //12

Conor Christopher: Nine months

2019-06-23T22:16:00.003-07:00

Conor by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8

Growing // You weigh 14 lbs 11 oz. Last month you weighed 14 lbs 4 oz, and just two weeks ago you weighed 14 lbs. So this month you lost weight, and then gained some. You are measuring 25 inches and your head circumference is 45.3 cm (59th percentile).

You're still tiny even for your corrected due date age - not even on the chart! Your head circumference is on the charts though, for your actual age!!

Eating + Sleeping // Most days you're eating 6 times a day, but recently it's just been 5 as you've upped your game in the feeding department and the amount you consume in one go, and you typically consume 28 ounces a day, some days more, some days less. I'm still pumping exclusively, but I don't pump enough so we supplement with formula and we're still fortifying your breastmilk with formula. You've been sick nearly this entire month with a cough and a cold, and you started the month off with a significant decrease in your milk intake, and you actually ended up losing weight. But in the last few days, you've been feeding so good! Your reflux still definitely plays a part in your food intake as some times you cough so much you throw up your food. So feeding you sometimes is hard, but it's felt easier the last few days. We're definitely following your cues more and feeding you more based upon when you want to eat rather than when we think you should be eating. And I can tell you're hungry because you start sucking on your tongue, you don't cry or anything, you just start sucking furiously. It's pretty cute! I'm not nearly as stressed about feeding you as I was months ago, even though you didn't gain much weight this month! I know that you'll catch up with time ...eventually. And I know you'll eat in your time. And we've continued with solids - we've introduced bananas, pears, sweet potato, and some other things I'm sure I'm forgetting. And to be honest I don't really know what you think about the food, but you do love sitting in your highchair with all of us at meal times. We still feed you on your left side - I snuggle you in the crook of my right arm and feed you with my left hand and you play with my fingers while you eat. It's the sweetest and everything feels right in the world until you start coughing and throw it all up!

You are a great sleeper! You wake up around 7 or so? It really depends on if you wake up on your own accord or if your brothers wake you up! We are still waking you up in the early hours of the morning to eat, but this month you were super sick, so you weren't all that interested in eating. And you're taking 3 naps still - a morning nap, an afternoon nap, and a late afternoon nap. Sometimes this afternoon nap turns into bedtime depending on how the day has gone and depending on how late it starts! And then you're normally in bed by 6:30/7, but again it really just depends. We normally try to get you to bed before we get your brothers to bed, so it's just a juggling act based upon how the day has gone. And you're still sleeping on your wedge in the pack n play in our room. And sleeping in your rock n play for naps during the day.

Wearing // You are wearing 6 month things, a few 9 month things, but not really. I'm loving just plain white long-sleeved onesies and cozy one piece outfits and I can't forget those zutano booties. I love those things! I've just started putting you in jeans and things as you were just too small for the jeans we had for you, but you're slowly growing into your things and I'm slowly revamping your style. And to be honest, alot of the items I have for you are either brand new or second hand, but they're not hand me downs from your brothers as the seasons are all off.

Loving // You loved swinging! And you love being upright and not laying on the floor all the time, hence you've enjoyed your bouncer and even sitting in the laundry basket. I'm sure it's nice to get a different perspective on the world. You love sitting in your highchair and eating. You are a happy baby, and extremely tolerable of alot of things, so it's hard to figure out what you really really love.

Loathing // Your brothers can be pretty aggressive with you...and you really really don't like when you spit up. I can hear you crying from your room and I know that you're coughing to the point that you've made yourself sick.

Doing // You are rolling around these days. Definitely rolling from front to back, and you have rolled from back to front, but you don't do it regularly. You're doing great with holding your huge head up, and you can sit with some assistance, but your head doesn't really help you much in that department. But we've started putting you in the laundry basket to help with this and surrounding you with blankets and toys, and you love being up off the floor. You are reaching for toys and making your best attempt at solids. You love staring at your hands and sucking on your fingers. I don't see any teeth coming through, but you sure are drooling more these days. And you love to play on your activity mat and grab your feet. And you've gone to alot of Drs appointments this past month. Trying to figure out how to bounce in your bouncer!

Doctors appointments // 2 Occupational therapy appointments, 1 appointment at childrens with urology, 1 WIC appointment, 1 ophthalmology appointment, 1 visit to North Seattle pediatrics.

Milestones // Your first Christmas! And your first visit with Santa, and the gingerbread houses and the lights at the church. First time in a swing! You are growing - growing out of things and growing into things. You tried out your bouncer for the first time, and it took you a little while to get the hang of it!

Jack by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12

Ryan by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 //12

Conor Christopher: Eight Months

2019-06-23T22:00:00.000-07:00

Conor by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7

Growing // You weigh 14 lbs 4 oz and you measured 24.3 inches in length. You gained over a lb in a month, which felt like a huge milestone as you haven't been doing that consistently! Feels like our hard work is paying off!

Eating + Sleeping // You're eating about 5-6 oz at each feed, about 6 times a day. I love feeding you these days! But some times I do feel like I'm forcing you to eat still. You're still slow going in the weight department, so I'm always trying to pump extra ounces into you.

You started solids this month! That feels like a big deal. We started you off with rice cereal and I've been trying to give you the silicone feeder things so you can feed yourself, but you haven't been all that interested in holding onto them. We've tried all sorts of pureed options as we get loads of baby food through WIC, but you're not really into the pureed stuff. You just kind of turn your head at it. So baby steps. We know this is just the beginning of your journey with solids!

You're sleeping like a champ, but I'm still waking you up to eat before I go to bed. So I don't even know if you'd sleep through the night or not, but you typically go to bed around 7 and you're up around 6:30/7.

Wearing // You are wearing mostly 6 month things, which is exciting! I've passed on alot of your clothes to your auntie for your cousin to wear when he's born! And you're wearing size 2 diapers and your cloth diapers.

Loving // You really love when your brothers pay attention to you! You love to laugh.

Loathing // There isn't much you don't really like? Your brothers continue to be rough with you and that drives me wild!

Doing // You are eating food! You are engaging so much more with us. We love it! You continue to do tummy time on your mat and your head is still huge!

Doctors appointments // 2 Occupational therapy appointments, 1 WIC appointment, 1 visit to North Seattle pediatrics.

Milestones // First time eating solids! First thanksgiving! First trip to Swansons nursery and to the tree farm to get our Christmas tree! And you got your glasses this month - that feels like a big deal!

Jack by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12
Ryan by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 //12

Happy Birthday Conor!

2019-05-28T14:27:00.001-07:00

To My Dearest Conor,

It's May 21, and your birthday as you know was April 14. I've been meaning to write this letter for weeks, but it's hard to find cracks in the days to take time to write.

But I know if I don't do it now, I won't do it, and I can't let another day slip by.

And if I'm honest with myself and with you, I think I've been putting it off simply because I've been putting off the emotions that will come with the writing of this letter. I've been putting off the trauma, the pain and the grief, and the endless tears that are already streaming down my face, and we've only just begun.

And I can't help but think about the truth behind those words...we've only just begun. Our journey with you has only just begun.

And here we stand, a year removed from your birth story. And 10 months (to the day) removed from your NICU stay, and I'm still in shock that you've been outside the womb for over 365 days now. This has felt like the longest year yet and the shortest year yet. I feel like I blinked and we arrived at a year.

And I'd love to be able to say all of this (birth story) feels like a distant memory, and to be honest, it does feel like a lifetime ago, but as I read over my thoughts, the tears just stream down my face and the emotions come flooding back.

I remember that day. My sister came over to watch your brothers, and your dad, Uncle Mark and I ventured to Northwest hospital for a routine ultrasound that was scheduled at 1 PM. Let it be known you were born at UW Hospital at 8:35 PM.

It's wild to think about all that transpired in those 7.5 hours. And in all honesty, it's kind of blurry, the ultrasound, the childbirth center at northwest, the transfer to UW, the magnesium, the high blood pressure, the low heartbeats (yours and mine), the operating room, the anesthesia, waking up from said anesthesia, the pain meds.

Yet, when I read my words, I can see myself on all fours as they tried to capture your heartbeat. I can feel the fear in the room, I can feel the fear in my own body. I can remember how tense the air was and how fast everyone and everything was moving. There was such a tremendous sense of urgency as they rushed me to the operating room, as we waited to see if your heartbeat came back up.

And I remember them saying, it's coming up...and breathing a sigh of relief, but then it stalled at 110, which meant it was go time and they were going forward with the emergency c-section.

And I can envision myself on the operating table, asking question after question, how long will it take for me to go under? How long will the surgery last? How long until I wake up? When will my husband know about me and the baby? I just remember thinking, it's all happening so fast. I remember telling them all of this as they graciously removed my oxygen mask with each question and comment I fired at them.

It was such an out of body experience, and the urgency in the room was palpable.

I remember thinking, this could be it, one of us could die here on this operating table.

I remember thinking, time slow down. I've never done this before. I've never had general anesthesia. I've never been fully asleep for any of my babies arrivals.

And I felt so alone and scared.

I wish I could go back and tell that terrified mama on that operating table that everything will be okay. It most definitely won't be the birth story she imagined, but it will be okay, and it will be yours. I wish I could tell her just how deep her love will run for you, how much you complete their family, how much your brothers will cherish you, and how smitten your dada will be with you. I wish I could tell her to brace herself as it will most definitely be her hardest year yet, but she will come out stronger, you will come out stronger, every single one of us will come out stronger.

And we will all better for it.

Oh my sweet boy, how I wish you had a different start to this world, but this is the start that was chosen for you. May I continue to lean into the joy and the pain that flows through me when I reflect back on the start of our journey.

And may I never lose sight of how far you've come. It's truly overwhelming to think about all the things you've overcome this last year. You started off your days in an incubator, with a feeding tube and breathing support. You've endured so many doctors appointments, so much poking and prodding, so many tests, so many setbacks and milestones (eventually) met. It felt never ending at times.

Yet, by the grace of God, here we are. We're still standing. I've never felt so weak in all my life, yet I knew He was holding me up, giving me the strength to carry on, giving me the strength to endure each day.

And now, a year later, you are sleeping in a proper crib, flat on your back, just like a normal babe, without anything hooked to your body. You are sucking down your bottles, shoveling food in your face and rolling around on the floor next to me.

And I can't believe we've finally arrived at this stage.

You are such a treasure from the Lord. You are so deeply loved, not only by your dad and I and your brothers, but also by your Creator. He is the one that knit you together in my womb, He is the one who created you. He is the one who will hold you and carry you through the hard things in life. May we never forget that you are His. What a privilege it is to care for you and what an incredible privilege it is to be your mama.

I can't even wait to witness how your life story unfolds. May we never take a single moment of it for granted. We love you so much!

Happy first birthday Conor Christopher!

To Him be the glory,

Mama

Conor Christopher: Seven months

2019-05-06T11:10:00.001-07:00

Conor by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6

Growing // You probably weighed about 13 lbs 2 ounce, but you weighed 13 lbs 0.5 oz a week before you turned 7 months at your 6 month checkup! And you'd gained 10 ounces in 10 days. That felt like a record to be honest as I feel like you've been slow going in the weight gain department. And at that appointment you measured 23.75 inches and your head circumference was 43.5 cm (41st percentile). It's the only measurement that has you on the growth chart for your actual age, all the others are 0th percentile!

Eating + Sleeping // You are eating 140-150 mls and I think you started the month at 120 mls. You continue to eat well. Praise the Lord! And feeding you is so much more enjoyable. You still don't have a ton of hunger cues and you don't really cry when you're hungry. I can just tell because you start sucking on your hands and you welcome the bottle so readily! We feed you when you wake up, and sometimes I feed you again before you go down for a nap just to get those extra ounces in you! There have been some moments where I feel like I'm forcing you to eat, but for the most part we've been really good at following your cues and trusting that what you might not finish at one feed, you'd eat at another.

You're eating 7 times a day still. And we typically feed you after your last nap around 5ish, and then keep you up till about 630ish and feed you again before you go to bed. You're still napping 3 times a day, and I'm still waking you up to eat before I go to bed around 11 and again in the wee hours of the morning around 5 or so. I can't wait for the day we can just let you sleep, but truthfully, I feel like it might be awhile just because you're slow going in the weight department! But you are such an incredible sleeper, truly. Your brothers wake you up and you go right back to sleep. And when I wake you up to feed you, you just go right back to sleep without any fuss. It's such a gift. Not much else to report in the sleeping department.

Wearing // You are still wearing some 0-3 month things, but you've started to wear a few 6 month things and I've cycled alot of the 0-3 month things out of your clothes bin. It's so fun to watch you grow! And I'm loving those Zutano booties. You wear them with every single outfit. And you're in Size 2 diapers. And you're still rocking the cloth diapers too.

Loving // You love when dada bounces you on his leg and raises you up in the air. You love to laugh, I mean you truly giggle. And you're ticklish. And you just love when people pay attention to you and talk to you! You just smile and laugh, and it's just lovely.

Loathing // Truly - I have no idea what you don't like these days. You don't really like having your hair washed and water streaming down your face, as it all just catches you off guard, but who does.

Nicknames // Connie, that's really the one that will stick I'm sure!

Doing // So much smiling and babbling and rolling from front to back and rolling onto your side.

Doctors appointments // So many doctors appointments this month. 2 Occupational therapy appointments, 1 visit to North Seattle pediatrics, 4 appointments at childrens with cardiology, pulmonology, nutrition, and radiology, 1 three hour infant development appointment at UW, and 1 appointment with an ophthalmologist. You had so many appointments at Children's this month, most routine followups, but you had an MRI - your head had grown a ton since leaving the hospital and they thought you may have fluid in your brain because you were having some eye issues. Alas, everything was fine, but even to this day, so many months removed, I can still remember the panic of the day as they got Conor in immediately. The concern all began a few days prior at he infant development appointment, and they told us to go see our pediatrician and see what they'd say. And they said take him to Children's, so we did that same day. And everything came back clear.

Milestones // First Halloween! First eye Doctor appointment at Childrens. Maybe your first time at church?

Jack by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12
Ryan by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 //12

This last year.

2019-05-02T11:28:00.003-07:00

I'm tucked in bed, sitting in the darkness while the light from my computer shines in my face, and it's the eve of my baby's birthday.

And all I can think is wow, this last year. We survived.

By the grace of God, we all survived.

And we've all grown so much this past year, but our internal growth isn't nearly as obvious as Conor's external growth.

If you would have told me a year ago, we'd be where we are today, I would have laughed at you. I never ever ever would have dreamed this would be Conor's story. I never ever would have dreamed that I'd be told at my ultrasound that he had reverse blood flow in the umbilical cord and he wasn't growing as he should be. And even after they told me that, I never ever would have dreamed he'd be born that day, just hours later at a totally different hospital.

It was so dramatic and traumatic and it all happened so fast and I don't think I've ever taken the time to truly grasp just how traumatic it was. And I think we've been in survival mode for a year, just putting our heads down and plowing through all of it.

And to be honest, even reliving it still breaks my heart. I'm hoping and praying that as each day passes and as each year passes my broken heart is pieced back together.

Bit by bit, piece by piece.

I had envisioned such a different birth story with Conor, something more like Ryan's. A story where I carried him to 38 weeks, and birthed him vaginally. A story where his brothers met him at the hospital and we all held him straight away. A story where he came home with me from the hospital just days after being born. A story where we breastfed with ease, where a pump was only used on days I was in the office. A story where he was on target with weight and development. A story where the transition was easy, as easy as three kids could be I suppose. A story with less doctors appointments and so much less stress.

And if I'm honest, this last year has been anything but easy and stress free. Every year, I think that was our hardest year yet with seasons of unemployment, Peter's fall down a mountain, a miscarriage, etc. But I can stand here and say, wow, this last year was so hard with the stress and trauma of Conor's birth, his 97 day NICU stay and all that came with that, the juggle and balance of life in the NICU and life at home. Each day we'd wake up and call the NICU for an update on Conor, and we'd just be holding our breath, hoping the update was good.

And even now, that we're six months out from feeding tubes and oxygen support, and even now that he's eating well and starting to finally show interest in solids, I've noticed that I still get a little anxious at doctors appointments when they place his little body on the scale. I find myself pleading with it to show our efforts in ounces. And I stand there willing it to land on a higher number than it did the last time. Will he have gained a good amount of weight? Will this be enough to show an increase on his growth curve? When will he join the ranks of the percentiles for his actual age?

I find that I'm still holding my breath.

And it's exhausting.

I had envisioned such a different story, such a different entrance into the world, such a different transition to three kids, such a different first year.

And I sit here mourning the story that wasn't, the story that I was writing in my head and in my heart, as I breathe in the story that is, the story that God wrote and is continuing to write for our family.

And yes, Conor's birth story is so incredibly different than the one I envisioned, but it's his. I carried him to 28 weeks, and he was cut out of me via emergency c-section. His brothers met him a few days after he was born, and they just stared at his itty bitty self in his isolette. Again not the meeting I envisioned, but it's their meeting, and it's their story. And it's beautiful. And I did have to wait like 12 days to hold him, but I'll never forget the weight of him and the anticipation, the fear, and the deep, deep love I already had for this little guy. And he did eventually come home from the hospital, just you know 95 days later than I had originally envisioned. And he never did take to breastfeeding, and bottle feeding was really hard for a long time there because his reflux was so bad, but now I love feeding him and I love our feeding journey because it's so unique to us. And as the months have gone by, the doctors appointments have dwindled a bit. He still has far more appointments than the average baby, but less than we started with.

And as I sit here just reflecting on our story, how it began and where we are now, I'm so overwhelmed with emotion. What a heavy year for us, one filled with stress and anxiety and fear, yet even in the midst of all of that stuff there was hope and joy. I feel like we spent the last year with our heads down, just hanging on and holding our breath and here we are a year out, and we're finally coming up for air.

And we are gulping and gasping as we can't seem to breathe that air in fast enough.

And it's all so overwhelming.

And I sit here just inhaling the story that is, and exhaling the story that wasn't.

Inhaling faith, health, love, goodness, laughter, gratitude.

Exhaling grief, pain, anger, fear, my expectations.

And I'm reminded of the fact that God is writing this story for our family, and Peter and I are the ones who will retell it in the years to come. And I hope and pray that in the retelling of it, as we share about the pain and the heartache and the trauma and the brokenness, that you will hear us speak of God's faithfulness, His provision and His goodness.

Let it be so.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. James 1:2-3

Conor Christopher: Six Months

2019-04-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

Conor by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5

How has it already been six months? Time is flying! It's crazy. And not a single one of my babes has been loved as fiercely as you. Your brothers are obsessed with you, especially Jack.

Growing // I'm guessing you weighed around 12 lbs. And at your 6 month checkup which was about 19 days after you turned 6 months, you weighed 13 lbs 0.5 oz, and you were 24 inches long, and your head circumference was 43.5 cm (40th percentile!). Your head circumference is the only thing making it onto the growth chart.

Eating + Sleeping // You are eating 120 mls and I think you started the month at 110 mls. This last month has been life changing in the feeding department, truly. A few weeks ago we went to Children's for an appointment and you met with the pulmonologist, an occupational therapist, and a dietitian, and we left there with a new wedge, a new prescription for reflux meds, and a few new formulas to try. Right now we are supplementing the breastmilk I pump with a tiny bit of formula, but the thought was that you may not be tolerant of the stuff we'd been giving you. We kept thinking you had gas, and that all your grunting and discomfort was due to said gas, but they think the formula could be upsetting your stomach. So we went a few days without any formula in the milk, and then we added a different type of formula back, one that is sensitive for fussiness and gas due to lactose sensitivity and it's worked wonders!!! You're like a different baby, chugging your bottles, and sucking on your size 2 nipples. Let's just say feeding you has become so much more enjoyable. And I think we just feel less stressed about feeding you now, if I make an attempt to feed you and you don't want it, then I just follow your cues rather than trying to force you to take it. And the team said, don't spend more than 30 minutes feeding him. If he eats it, great, but if not, that's okay too. And I am smiling just thinking about the breakthrough this last month with feeding. And I'm just overwhelmed with gratitude for the team we work with at Children's.

You're eating 7 times a day, sometimes 6 depending on how the day goes! But I really try to get 7 feeds in and I'm still waking you up during the day and in the wee hours of the morning to eat.

For sleeping, you're taking 3 naps a day, a morning nap about an hour after you wake up, an early afternoon one, and then one in the later afternoon, and you're normally in bed by 6:30/7. And then I feed you around 10 and then again around 4 or so. And then you're normally up by 7:30/8 - it really depends. Sometimes your brothers wake you up and sometimes they don't! But when you do wake up in the morning, I don't normally know you're up until I stare at your face to see if your eyes are open as you don't fuss or anything really. And then I unstrap you from your wedge and you are all smiles and cooing at me. It's the best! I should mention too that quite often I'm waking you up from naps to pick one of your brothers up from somewhere, so your naps are daily cut short. Bless you child! But you are such a good sleeper - as long as it's dark with a sound machine. And you love to sleep when I'm wearing you, but you're not a huge fan of carseat sleeping nor do you sleep in the car.

You are taking naps either in your rock n play or your bed, and then nighttime sleep is all in your bed. Again, you are a really great sleeper. I feel so thankful!

Wearing // You are mostly wearing 0-3 month things. I have put you in a few 6 month things. They're a little big, but you can still rock them!! I've also bought you a few new items as I've never had a baby this age during the Winter months. I'm loving all the one piece outfits and the winter suits with zippers. I think I have you in size 2 disposable diapers and we have you in the cloth during the day.

Loving // You really do love when people interact with you. You love tummy time. You could just lay on your tummy all day if I'd let you! You love to sleep, truly. You still love sucking on your hands, that's normally your tell that you're hungry. And you don't really suck on your tongue anymore. And you love when I wear you in the baby carrier. You are exceptionally tolerant, so sometimes it's hard for me to tell if you're actually enjoying something or just tolerating it haha! You don't seem to mind baths, but it's not like you're smiling and laughing the entire time. You don't mind diaper changes or outfit changes.

Loathing // Sometimes your brothers are rough with you, and I loathe that, and I think sometimes you do too. You don't like to eat sometimes.

Nicknames // Conor bears, Conna (Ryan's name for you), squish, Con man

Doing // So much smiling and babbling. You love interacting with people, it's the cutest thing. And you rolled over from front to back! And you are crying more, which is a good thing, as you're just using your voice and your cry to communicate with us - put me to bed, I'm hungry, I don't want to eat anymore, save me from my brothers, get them away from me.

Doctors Appointments // 2 Occupational therapy appointments, 1 visit to North Seattle pediatrics, and 1 visit to Children's.

Milestones // Your new wedge, your oxygen left the building! First bath with a brother. First time at the pumpkin patch. And mama went back to work!

Jack by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12
Ryan by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 //12

Conor Christopher: Five Months

2019-03-09T22:45:00.000-08:00

Conor by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4

It's starting to feel real having you home with us! I can't believe you're already five months old. How has it already been five months? I just love you so much!

Growing // You weighed 10 lbs 14 oz on the actual 5 month mark, but you weighed 11 lbs 1 oz at your five month check up, that was about a week past the actual five month mark! And you're 22.25 inches long. I'm not entirely sure about your percentiles as the Drs. office has stopped adjusting your numbers. But they did say your weight percentile has remained the same as last month and your length percentile has increased actually!

Eating + Sleeping // You are eating 110 mls and I think you started the month at 90 mls. In all honesty though, it's hard to get you to finish a bottle. And it's hard to feed you! You cry and squirm and push it away and I have to bounce you and pat your tummy to get you to take it. It's kind of a lot of work, and it was taking an hour to feed you. We finally just upped your bottle nipple to a 2 and you're not fussing quite as much. We are feeding you 7 times a day, and normally about 3 hours between feeds. We're still waking you up to eat during the day and at night. Maybe this next month we can be more led by you? And you normally go to bed around 7 or so, and then we wake you around 10:30 to feed you before bed, and then we wake you again at 4 AM to feed you, and then you wake up about 7:30/8. You are such a great sleeper, truly. You fall asleep really fast once we put you in your bed and you rarely fuss, and we hardly ever put you in your bed asleep. So you do it all yourself! You're still sleeping on your wedge, but it's hard to strap you in it as you're starting to outgrow it.

Wearing // You are wearing 0-3 month things now! I packed your newborn stuff away. And you're wearing size 1 diapers and you're wearing your cloth diapers during the day and disposables at night. And we have so many new clothing items for you. I had bought a few things for you, but we were given a bunch of new pjs and things and it's so fun to put you in all the new stuff that was purchased just for you!

Loving // You love to suck on your hands! And sometimes I can even hear you sucking from the other room! And you love sucking on your tongue too. You really love being wrapped up and swaddled.

Loathing // You don't really like to eat. And you don't really like when I keep you up past your naptime, you start fussing until I put you in your bed to sleep.

Nicknames // Conor bears, Con man, Connie, Squish - Ryan calls you Conna

Doing // Smiling!! And cooing at us. You have started to grab our hands and my hair and I'm always finding strands of my hair in your little hands.

Doctors Appointments // 4 appointments - 2 to North Seattle pediatrics and 2 Occupational therapy appointments.

Milestones // You met your Irish grandparents for the first time! And you had your first OT appointment. And you had your first visit downtown.

Jack by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12
Ryan by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 //12

Conor Christopher: Four Months

2019-03-09T21:52:00.002-08:00

Conor by month 1 // 2 // 3

It still feels surreal that you're asleep in our home! I've waited four months for this moment, to write your monthly update with you in the comfort of our home, to snap your monthly photo here at home. If I'm honest, I feel like this last month has been a month of discovering you, your likes and dislikes, as we take full ownership over your care. And I'm loving it. I love having you with us round the clock. I love being able to smother you in kisses whenever I want and however long I want. I love being able to snuggle you as time allows, knowing the snuggle sesh doesn't have to come to an end. I just love getting to know you, your rhythms, your preferences. I think someone asked me something about you, a does he like X question, and I said I don't know, I'm just getting to know him. And it's true, I'm just getting to know you! And I love you so much.

Growing // You weigh 9 lbs 9 oz (14th percentile for adjusted age) and you gained nearly 2 lbs in a month! But you haven't been gaining weight as rapidly as we'd like you to, your percentile has actually decreased over the last few weeks going from 18th, to 16th, to 14th. But the Drs. aren't worried as you're still gaining weight, just not as rapidly as you were in the hospital. Your head circumference is 39.5 cm (2nd percentile for your actual age and 82nd for your adjusted age) and you're 21.5 (10th percentile for adjusted age) inches long.

Eating + Sleeping // You are eating 90 mls (3 oz), but I think you started the month off at 65 mls (2 oz), and with a feeding tube! When we first brought you home, you were probably doing a little over half of your milk by bottle, the rest by feeding tube. And then a week or so after you were home, we pulled the feeding tube entirely as you no longer needed it. You pulled it out actually and we realized we no longer needed it, which was fantastic as I hated having to insert that thing. We'd have to measure from your nose to your ear, and then down to the middle of your chest, and then we'd start pushing it through and we'd have to check with a stethoscope or you could pull milk out with the syringe to make sure it was actually in the stomach. And then we'd have to put the milk in a little bag attached to the feeding pump and set the time on the pump and it would then beep to be turned off after an hour or however long we'd set the time for, and then we'd have to turn the pump off and do it all over again a few hours later. It was never that big of a deal until the nighttime when we'd set up your feed in the pump and wake an hour later to turn it off. You were really sleepy when we first brought you home, so they wanted us to do some of your feeds just by tube. We are fortifying your milk, which just means we're adding a little bit of high calorie formula to the breastmilk you're consuming. You are eating every three hours, but after your appointment at Children's, they told us to let you go for a 6 hour stretch at night. So quite often we'll feed you around 10 PM and again at 4 AM, and again at like 7:30/8 AM. You started the month off with 8 feeds every 3 hours and now you're down to 7 and definitely a little bit more led by you, but not entirely! Most of the time, we're waking you up to eat, which isn't fun and it can take like 30 minutes or more to feed you as you're just so uncomfortable and gassy or maybe it's reflux? I have no idea to be honest. We're giving you meds for both things, but I definitely feel like we force feed you sometimes. You really are a great sleeper, and sometimes I wonder how long you'd go if we didn't wake you up. Someday we'll find out! You are currently sleeping in a pack n play in our room on a wedge that is supposed to help your reflux. It keeps you upright and we wrap you into this thing that's like a straight jacket. We are following the eat, play, sleep schedule and quite often will put you to bed soon after you finish eating, depending on how long it takes to feed you! And you don't fuss or anything, you just lay there and then eventually go to sleep. It's brilliant!!

Wearing // You are wearing newborn clothes. I tried some 0-3 month things on you, but they're still just too big. You started the month off in newborn diapers and finished in size 1 diapers. And I've put you in cloth diapers a few times now, but I haven't committed fully to them yet. Very soon though!

Loving // You love being in the baby carrier/wrap. You fall asleep instantly. You really love being snuggled and held.

Loathing // Your brothers adore you and always want to be touching you and kissing you and invading your space, and I'm not sure you're a huge fan of that ...yet. Truly, there isn't much you don't like. You don't mind baths and you don't mind tummy time. You don't really like to eat. We can get through like half of your bottle before you start squirming and pushing the bottle away. It's really hard to feed you!

Doctors Appointments // This month you had six appointments - three appointments to the pediatrician for weight checks and what not and three appointments at Children's with the pulmonologist and an occupational therapist that helped with feeding as well as a nutritionist that made sure we were on target with caloric intake!

Milestones// So many milestones this month. You started the month in the hospital and ended the month in our home! You started the month with a feeding tube and ended the month without one! You started the month on the nasal cannula at 1/4 liter and you were on it all the time and you ended the month with it just at night. In fact, the Dr said you probably don't need it at all, but he'd be a whole lot happier if we just continued you on it at night and during feeds if you needed it. And you're doing great! The Dr. said he wanted you off it entirely before your next appointment with him, which will be in another month. You've survived your first month in our home, and that in itself is a milestone!! You had all your firsts at home, first bath, first sleep in your bed, first So many snuggles. First car ride!! First trip to the hood canal. First trip to Bainbridge Island, Carkeek Park, Jack's school, and first trip to Children's!

Jack by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12

Ryan by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 //12

Conor Christopher: Three Months

2019-01-29T16:10:00.000-08:00

Conor by month 1 // 2 //

This was by far the hardest month for all of us as it was just a month of waiting and riding the rollercoaster. And there were multiple times this month where we thought you'd be coming home - you pulled your feeding tube out and you were doing really well with taking food by mouth and then the shift changed and the nurses were coming and going and busy and your intake decreased and then you were off oxygen entirely for a day or so, but the nurses and doctors soon realized you really do need it! You were really congested this month, so everything stalled and slowed down. To be honest, it was a discouraging month for all of us, a month where my mama bear came out and we advocated hard for you and your care. And it's at the stage in the game where you really have to advocate for your babe - you were stable so you didn't get as much attention as you use to. And so began the rotation of nurses who had never had you before, which is always hard as they just aren't familiar with you. So we found ourselves talking to the charge nurse and making our voices and preferences heard. And they did all they could to at least get a nurse who had had you at least once in your 80 something days. And I think at the beginning of the month - you were in a 3 baby, 1 nurse rotation and they changed it to 2 baby, 1 nurse because you just required a little extra time with feeding. Anyhow, we advocated more for you this month than any other month, and we finally called a care meeting. And we met with your primary nurse Dani, the hospitalist, and the charge nurse to discuss a plan for you and we talked about you coming home with a feeding tube and oxygen support. In all honesty, we would have loved for you to come home without all that stuff, but once we got to the point where you were stable enough to come home, we just wanted to bring you home, feeding tube and oxygen and all. We were ready to have you in our home and under our roof and all our boys in one place...together.

Growing // You started off the month weighing 5 lbs 7 oz and ended the month weighing 7 lbs 10 oz.

Eating + Sleeping // You started the month eating 46 mls of fortified breastmilk over 2 hours and ended the month eating 65 mls over 60 minutes, and some of that was by mouth!! Some days were better than others with feeding, and some nurses were better than others with feeding you. You ate best for your dad and I, and one of the therapists fed you first to figure out your coordination and how you fed best, and then she had me give it a go. And you did well. You started off with really small amounts though with just like 5 ml and then 10 ml. But you'd get tired and your coordination would be off. You did a swallow study this month to determine whether you were swallowing safely and they found out that you are. So that was good! But they did cap your food intake to 20 mls by mouth and the rest by the feeding tube. But I think that lasted only a few days before your dad and I advocated for them to take the cap off and just see how you do with your intake.

And you started using a preemie nipple and by the end of the month you were using a level 1 nipple as they realized after your swallow study that you do better with a faster flow. But they also discovered that milk gathers at the back of your throat, so we have to pace you alot with your bottles and have you suck when there's no milk in the nipple. All sorts of things we've figured out about you!

And you've started doing some of your naps in the mamaroo!

Wearing // You are wearing newborn diapers and they have you in newborn clothes!

Loving // You are still loving those snuggles and you're just more alert and aware of those around you! But it's hard to tell what you really love right now.

Loathing // Maybe your reflux? It's pretty bad, not that you spit up much, but it just hurts you. But it's hard to tell what you don't like.

Milestones // They gave you caffeine to help your apnea! They decreased your oxygen from 2 liters to 1/2 liter and then they dropped it further to 1/8th of a liter and then they brought it back up to 1/2 liter because you got sick. The reality is you'll most likely be on the oxygen for awhile as they think it helps your stamina with bottle feeding. You had another hearing test and a scan of your heart! And all came back good.

And you had a terrible episode this month that would have set you back five days if you were close to being discharged, again it's reflux related and you just hold your breath. But that was at the beginning of the month, and toward the middle of the month they started you on reflux meds and raised your bed, and by the end of the month it was pretty much managed with the meds and the wedge. The only sign you have of reflux is congestion and you do get uncomfortable when eating and after eating.

This was the month the Drs. said we could start prepping to take you home. But you'd be coming home on oxygen and with a feeding tube! But you're old enough to go home and you haven't had any events in days. And so we began talking about the carseat trial, the training of inserting a feeding tube and how to deal with oxygen.

And because you're so stable now, this was the month of visitors, friends and family alike.

Jack by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12

Ryan by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12

Conor Christopher: Two Months

2019-01-29T11:33:00.001-08:00

Conor by month 1 //

I can't believe you're already two months old, and you have yet to see the outside of the hospital walls. You've come a long way this last month. And you continue to grow right before our very eyes!

Growing // You started the month off weighing 1.426kg, so about 3 lbs 2 oz, and ended the month weighing 2.466, so about 5 lbs 7 oz.

Eating + Sleeping // You are eating 46 ml of fortified breastmilk over 2 hours through your feeding tube every three hours. You started the month off eating 28 ml over 90 minutes, but they decided to spread your feed out to 2 hours after you had a few moments of not breathing. Your care times are 8, 11, 2, and 5, repeat - which entails a diaper change and feeding. You eat 8 times a day, which means I'm pumping that many times and waking in the middle of the night to pump. My milk supply is good, but that could just be because you're not consuming much of it now. You are having more wake times, but you definitely sleep a ton, which is fine as that's when you grow.

Wearing // You are wearing preemie diapers and preemie clothes!! And you may have ended the month in newborn things? But quite frankly, I can't remember!

Loving // You love being held. They say your heartbeat and everything slows down and is regulated when you're snuggled.

Loathing // I loathe when you stop breathing in my arms!! You did that a few times this month, the alarms were sounding and your lips were bluish and your skin pale...and the nurse rushed in. I told the nurse I was just so thankful I was there are the hospital, and she said that's for sure a 911 moment. And they think it's due to reflux, and you holding your breathe.

Milestones// Clothes! And they took the top of your isolette off as you began regulating your own temperature. I got to give you a bath! You had your eyes tested twice, and no abnormalities - they did say you may need glasses for crossing later, but everything looked good. Switched to CPAP for oxygen support and I was able to hold you in a cradle hold rather than the kangaroo position. Still lots of blood draws and ultrasounds. And you had some tests on your heart and you passed with one minor thing to watch. You were tested for a rare syndrome, Beckwith Wiedemann Syndrome, as you stick your tongue out and they're not too sure if your tongue is too big for your mouth or if you have a weak jaw or if it's because of the air pumping through you, who knows, but it required a blood test and an ultrasound, and guess what? ...it came back negative. And you transitioned to the nasal cannula and I could finally see your face! And they quickly decreased your oxygen flow from 5 to 4 and then to 3 in just a week! And this was the first month where I was able to capture a photo of me with all my boys and a family photo of all five of us! I still get emotional thinking about this moment.

Jack by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12

Ryan by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12

Conor Christopher: One Month

2019-01-29T11:19:00.000-08:00

That first month of your life feels like such a blur now! This month was truly a month of survival, for all of us, but especially for you. I didn't hold you in my arms until you were 12 days old and your dada didn't hold you till day 20. We would just visit you and sit in your room and just watch you and monitor all your stats on the machines. I just remember holding you for the first time and just thinking how tiny and frail you were, just skin and bones, truly. So filled with gratitude for the medical team that cared for you this first month! You had a rough start and you were just the tiniest little micropreemie. I still can't believe this is your story!

Growing // You weigh 1.426kg, so about 3 lbs 2 oz. So you've gained 1 lb 8 oz since you were first born. Still so tiny!

Eating + Sleeping // You are eating 26 ml over 90 minutes through your feeding tube every three hours. But for the first week, they were just giving you some sugary substance, and then they started you off on 1 ml of breastmilk. And then later they began fortifying your milk with a tiny bit of formula for the extra calories. And they definitely have you on a schedule, every three hours diaper change, feeding, sleep, repeat. Your care times are at 8, 11, 2 and 5, repeat. You eat 8 times a day, which means I spend a good chunk of time pumping! And you really don't have a ton of wake times. We rarely see you with your eyes open, and your isolette was covered by a blanket to block extra light from coming in. Toward the end of the month they swaddled you for the first time!!

Wearing // You wore micropreemie diapers for the majority of the month, and ended the month in preemie diapers! And they don't have you in clothes yet.

Loving // You love being snuggled and you love to sleep and you love your pacifier, but other than that I'm not entirely sure yet!

Loathing // Probably being poked and prodded, I know I'd hate that! And I'd hate having a feed tube stuck up through my nose.

Milestones// So many milestones this month. You started the month on a breathing tube and ended the month on NAVA on room air. You started the month with a low biliburin count, so they had you under the lights. You had blood transfusions, lots of ultrasounds for your heart because you have a PDA (Patent Ductus Arteriosis), a brain scan, which came back clear! You had milk in your feeding tube for the first time. The first few days they had you on some sugary thing. They thought you had an infection a few times and gave you antibiotics while they waited on blood test results, and turns out you never had one. In regards to touch, we started the month by just being able to place our hands on you, by cupping your head and your feet, and ended the month holding you. After 12 days, I held you for the first time. And your dad held you on day 20. And I can't forget the milestone of you meeting your brothers!! Within the month, you began regulating your own temperature, so they were able to stop heating your isolette. And we began the month weighing your diapers, and ended the month not having to do that or take your temperature prior to diaper changes! And I celebrated my first mothers day of a mother to three babes - sad to not have you with us, but I know you're getting the best care possible. And you just look so much better and so much more stable than you did a month ago. It's so wild really!

We love you so much and we praise God for your life!!

And I thought it would be fun to include Jack and Ryan's monthly milestones on each of Conor's monthly posts.

Jack by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12

Ryan by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12

Merry Christmas from the Drennan Family

2018-12-25T10:34:00.000-08:00

This is what I put together for our Christmas letter this year. It was slightly painful to write, but it was so good for my heart to reflect on the past year, to where our hearts were when the year started to where they are now - remembering that through it all God is so good! So incredibly grateful for the birth of Jesus. Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

It’s Sunday afternoon, and I’m tucked away in my bed with a sleeping babe beside me in his, and there are about 1,000 other things I could be doing, but I am forcing myself to just sit in the stillness of this space. And I find that when I just sit, I can’t stop the tears from flowing. The truth is, this year has felt so hard and so incredibly heavy. And when I stop to think about all that we’ve walked through this past year it feels so overwhelming. 2017 felt hard and heavy with a job loss, a pregnancy loss, and Peter’s fall down a mountain, and I think we naively thought we’d reached the summit of hard things and 2018 would look different! Yet, little did we know the lessons learned in 2017 were simply God’s way of preparing us for what was to come for our family in 2018.

When this year began, I never would have envisioned it would play out the way it did with both my grandmas dying within a week of each other, with our son, Conor, arriving three months early, weighing in at just 1 lb 10 oz., with the recovery from an emergency c-section, with the lengthy hospital stay for both of us and the endless doctor’s appointments and the feeding issues and the reflux, and on and on it goes, not to mention trying to manage the rest of life and two other children. I never envisioned this dramatic birth story or that I’d wait 12 days before I’d feel the weight of my son on my chest and 97 days until we’d bring him home, and even then I never envisioned we’d bring him home with a feeding tube and oxygen support. This isn’t the story I envisioned as I dreamt of the transition to three kids. This is most definitely not the story I would have written. And on the days when I ask, why Lord? Why us? Why Conor? Why this? I hear the Lord saying, remember. Remember what we have walked through together. Remember how I have used you. Remember I am the one writing this story. Trust that I will use it and I will redeem it just as I have done before.

And I do. I remember. I remember that those hard moments have been some of the most beautiful moments of true surrender as we laid all our broken pieces at the Lord’s feet. And I sit here in awe at the way He picked them up and pieced them back together, all the while lacing those hard moments with moments of sheer joy as we marveled at Conor’s growth and the capability of modern medicine, as we laughed at Ryan’s jokes and his silly faces and sheer stubbornness (some days this doesn’t make me laugh), as we all walked Jack to his first day of Kindergarten and sent him out into the world (so proud of this kid!), and as I reveled at the depth of my husband’s love for all of us.

This year was a year of remembering, of remembering where we have been and where the Lord has brought us in our own transformation and true surrender, and remembering and trusting that even amidst the heavy and the hard, He is present and He is good. Our hope and prayer is that we can live each day fully surrendered to Him, trusting in the story that He is writing for our family, and for each of you, knowing that we may walk through heavy and hard things, but it will all be good because He is good.

May you see and experience the goodness of Christ this season and always!

Dear Jack {Parent - Teacher Conferences and first fieldtrip}

2018-10-23T10:16:00.000-07:00

Jack,

There are so many things I want to say to you, so many moments I've just let pass me by. I've thought, I need to write that down, I need to remember this, and the moment passes. But tonight, I find myself tucked into bed as your dad's out of town, and I'm just sitting here reflecting on YOU. I'm just filled with so much gratitude for you.

A few weeks ago we had your first parent-teacher conference. I was so excited to just sit in Mrs. Grabow's presence and hear what she had to say about you and how things were going. It's the strangest thing to be on the other side of things, I truly had no idea what she was going to say. It's strange to think I know you, but I don't know you in a classroom setting.

And Jack, what she said blew me away. I mean I love you deeply, but then to hear the words Mrs. Grabow spoke over you, her words brought tears to my eyes. She drew you into our circle, and she just said, Jack I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of how far you've come and how hard you work. You are such a hard worker and you're so willing to try and persist and you want to learn so bad. And these are all words and phrases we use to instill that growth mindset at home! But to hear her speak those words over you, your teacher, who you've only known for a month just broke me. It was beautiful and she not only spoke to you, but she spoke right to this mama's heart.

And then today, I had the privilege to chaperone your fieldtrip to the pumpkin patch. And truly, what a privilege. I just kept thinking, I feel so lucky that I get to be here with you, with your new friends, on the bus, eating lunch, picking pumpkins, and laughing together. One of the boys in our trio said I wish my mom was here, and I said I bet she wishes the same buddy. I just delight in you and I delight in who you're becoming. And you are just so tender and soft hearted.

Jack, I feel like I've grown right alongside you as you've paved the way of motherhood for me. And I'm just blown away when I look at you, to think just 5 years ago, you were so itty bitty, just a babe so dependent on me for everything, and here you are growing more and more independent each and every day.

I love you deeply my sweet child. And I pour out my praise to the Lord for your life! May you never forget that His love never fails.

Love Mama

Anniversary: Here's to Nine years!

2018-10-23T10:08:00.002-07:00

Anniversary 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8

Our anniversary has come and gone, but this year marks nine years married to this man. How was our wedding day 9 years ago? I look back at the photos and think, look at us, we had no idea just what was ahead. We had experienced heart ache, but nothing like what these last 9 years have brought us!

So in true anniversary fashion, I wanted to take some time to sit and reflect on this past year of marriage, just like I've done for all the years that have come before this one. So that is what I found myself doing on Monday, nearly a week after the actual anniversary (try a month as that's when I actually finished this!! and two months as that's when I actually posted it.). This is three kids guys. I feel like I hardly have time for anything, let alone time to write. So here I am sitting on the couch, pumping, with my computer resting on the ottoman, while Conor naps and Jack and Ryan are drawing and dancing around the house and music is playing on the TV.

Let's just say Peter went to bed around 10:45 last night after he fed Conor and woke up at 3:30 to feed him again, only to sleep for 30 more minutes before his alarm woke him up at 4:32 AM. This man serves and says yes like nobody's business. I'm so in awe of him, truly. You should see me in the wee hours of the morning before the sun has come up, it's not pretty, and I'm anxious to get back to sleep as I'm most definitely not ready to start the day.

Anyhow, last year, we started off our anniversary with a visit to the Dr. to have a D&C. I remember telling the Dr. and everyone there it was our anniversary, an anniversary we will most certainly never forget. I remember the tears I shed as they apologized time and time again for our loss, and the tears that came as I laid on that table and the procedure was completed. And Peter sat there holding my hand, carrying my grief for me.

And in the days following our anniversary we shipped off the kids and packed up the car and hit the open road. What a whirlwind of a trip that was. It was a hard time for us emotionally as we were just so broken, literally, your body from your fall just weeks before and my body from the miscarriage.

And yet, here I sit just thinking about how God has healed us this past year. I truly feel like this last year was a year of healing, healing our bodies, healing our hearts, building us up spiritually, emotionally, physically to endure the year ahead.

And last August feels like a lifetime ago, truly. What a year it has been! In one year, you were let go from your job, a job you'd waited 18 months for only to interview and be offered a job within weeks of the one you lost. And that job is so much better than the one you had previously. And in that year, we got pregnant again, and had another baby, our rainbow baby. He arrived far earlier than we would have liked him to, but he's here and he's healthy, and we have learned so much about letting go and letting God.

And isn't that what we want to teach our kids? To let go and let God.

There is so much freedom in the letting go and in trusting God.

I have no idea why we've walked through more in the last 9 years of marriage, last 2 years really, than some people walk through in a lifetime, but what I do know is we are better for it.

Truly, we are.

My love for you runs even deeper than I ever could have dreamed it could, and as hard as I try I'll never be able to fully articulate just how much I love you.

I'll never be able to fully articulate my sincere gratitude to the Lord for His crazy idea of putting the two of us together, an American girl and an Irish guy.

I love our love story and I love our life.

May we never lose sight of the one who called us to each other, may we never lose sight of the fact that there is purpose in all things and that He makes beautiful things out of us.

And Peter, our marriage in all it's messiness and holiness is beautiful and there is purpose in it.

You my husband are beautiful and it's such an honor to walk alongside you, to witness your own soul searching, your own transformation, your own vulnerability and crying out amidst the various seasons of life. I know these past few years have been hard, but I've been so humbled by the way you've just kept on walking, plodding through the obstacles thrown at you as you pick yourself up off the mat time and time again as you trust that He is present and He is faithful. And that what shall come our way will be good because He is good.

I never in my wildest dreams could have envisioned just how good marriage would be. Don't get me wrong it's some of my hardest work, but it's also some of my best work. May we continue to be vulnerable with each other, speaking truth into the hardest places as we sharpen each other while simultaneously smoothing those sharp edges.

And may we never lose sight of God's purpose within us, as our marriage is our greatest ministry.

The Gift of Perspective

2018-07-19T21:39:00.001-07:00

Guys, this post has been sitting in my drafts for something like seven months, but as I read over it tonight, I just thought this is so good and still rings true today, even seven months later.

And as Conor enters into his thirteenth week in the NICU, and as we near the 100 day mark, I'm just thankful for our NICU history with all of our babes and for the gift of perspective. And for the ability to reflect back on that history and those unique experiences (Jack 20 days in NICU due to prematurity, Ryan 10 days in NICU due to RSV/Bronchilitis), knowing where the boys are today, to look out at my two children who lived through it all, knowing Conor will be the same! I truly feel like those experiences were preparation for such a time as this.

I sit here tonight, thinking about the gift of perspective, of history, of being able to reflect back on something, fully knowing where you stand today.

A few weeks ago, Peter and I had the privilege to hear our old College Pastor preach at our current church. And as he began to speak, I just turned to Peter with a silly grin on my face as I knew we were both taken back about 13 years when Peter was an intern and I was a college student.

And I just thought wow, who would have thought we'd be where we are today.

Who would have thought that I'd sign up for a mission trip, not knowing what country I was going to or who I was going with until just months before we departed.

Who would have thought I'd not only fall in love with the country, but also with my darling husband.

And I just saw there in the pews, just thinking about all that's happened over the last 13 years.

And as I sat in the pews at church I just thought about all the memories we've made in this space.

I remembered walking down the aisle of the chapel on our wedding day.

I remembered the years Peter and I spent volunteering in Sunday school, and the day Peter had to change the diaper of a 3 year old.

I remember the long season of unemployment and the way my husband turned to me declaring he was going to go forward for prayer, and I remember the tears that streamed down our faces in that moment.

I remember God's faithfulness in all the seasons, time and time again.

We had no idea about the future, or the path we'd take to get there, but here we are.

Seasons come, and seasons change, but always you remain ...the same.