For this most festive of holiday seasons, I present something I whipped up back in 2006, when I was a much more bitter and angry young lad. It’s about one of my favorite holiday traditions: KRAMPUS!

Christmas fucking Shmistmas.

There. I said it. This holiday is beginning to make me sick. Gone are the days when I would anxiously await joyous yuletide gaiety and a cornucopia of consumer products wrapped in colorful shiny paper. My White Christmas dreams are fast melting in the—ahem—DECEMBER HEAT! Jesus, when the fuck did Philly become Florida?

Ongoing bloodshed and war, opposed religions at the machine gun ready, global warming devouring Jack Frost’s face, dogs and cats living together—MASS HYSTERIA!

While I’ve been teetering on the brink these last couple Christmases, something I read today finally sent me over the edge. The Reuters “Twas the Week Before Christmas” article offered an overview of what different regions are doing to celebrate the season.

Let’s start with Bethlehem, shall we? Seems appropriate. So, what are they doing in the “Prince of Peace’s” town of birth? Oh, nice. They’re KILLING EACH OTHER! Yes, the Israelis and Palestinians continue to slaughter each other to discover whose god is real and whose is imaginary.

Cut to Osaka, Japan, where the big Christmas story is a department store that makes available a huge cake “festooned with diamonds!” Merry Christmas! Gorge yourself with unbridled gluttony and avarice, as Jesus would have!

But not you, England. It looks like the lymies indulged in their gluttony a bit too much, because now they’re all too “festively plump” to celebrate the holiday. Instead, they’re taking classes on how not to eat until your stomach lining tears apart with yuletide cheer. Mmmmm… if that isn’t some true-blue miracle whip, I don’t know what it is.

Now don’t get me wrong. Things have gotten out of hand, as they always do when people are involved, but I’m not saying “cancel Christmas.” However, the holiday needs an major overhaul. The sludge needs to be cleaned out completely. And holding hands and candles and singing “lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu” isn’t gonna fucking cut it. The “Christmas Cleansing,” as I am fond of calling it, needs to be swift, horrifying and painful. Oh yes friends—blood will be spilt. That’s why sometimes there’s a man… Sometimes there’s a man.

There’s only one man who can save Christmas:

KRAMPUS!

That’s right kids! You better watch the fuck out, you better start cryin’, you better get the hell out and run for your life, ‘cause Krampus is coming to town. His present? Pain.

Let me back up. It turns out that in many turn-of-the-century European cultures, Santa, or Saint Nicholas, had a sidekick named Krampus. While Santa would take care of all the good children by rewarding them with gifts, it was Krampus who would reap his bloody vengeance on the “naughty” by giving them coal and rocks, beating them with switches, and even “shackling them in chains, stuffing them in buckets and throwing them into the fiery pits of hell!”

And yes, that is an actual picture of the traditional Krampus, whom many European nations still recognize and include in their festivities. Hells yeah.

This is what the extremely bratty, spoiled kids of this generation need. Too much passivity and parents’ fear of abuse charges have turned these kids into animals. During the Christmas season, all one can threaten is a lack of toys. You know, as opposed to all the millions of other ones they played with for about 10 minutes before tossing them aside.

Imagine how well-behaved these little bastards would become if they knew this sick freak was in their closet this winter, waiting to eat them, feet first:

“Oh honey. It hurts Mommy when you say those things to her. Oh, you’re going to stomp and hold your breath, huh? Wait, is that the doorbell? Be a dear and get that would you sweetie?—

Guaranteed that kid shuts his mouth. Until at least his teen years.

Krampus is so frightening, in fact, that Viennese officials are considering banning people from dressing up like him during future holiday seasons. Of course, these are the same pussies who are banning Santa Claus from visiting schools with young children because “he scared some children.” Well you know what kids? Life is fucking scary! Welcome. And don’t mind that ghoul gnawing at your flesh.

Here’s what one Austrian had to say about his therapy-invoking memories of holidays past:
“I panicked that I was never going to see my father again because a hoofed human wanted to throw me into his wooden backpack.”

OK, first off, that is probably the best quote I’ve ever read. Ever. Secondly, it bears an uncanny resemblance to something I said once while tripping face in the woods:

“A hoofed human wants to throw me into his wooden backpack.”

Memories…

Anywho, I think it’s obvious that we need Krampus’s “services” for the holiday season. Can you imagine the fear that would be ushered in during the Thanksgiving Day parade? After all, in Austrian parades, dozens of Krampus-clad yahoos “burst out of dark corner[s], shouting menacingly at onlookers and waving birchwood whip[s].” These actors now have to wear numbers for identification purposes after some “lost control after downing a few too many beers.”

I say we take it up a notch. After all, we’re fucking America—the land of excess. Screw beers; we’re gonna dose a boatload of angry homeless with PCP and LSD and just set’em loose:

I can see it now, some hideous Aphex Twin video come to life: “Uh Sergeant, keep your eye on Krampus #143—he just impaled a toddler and set him on fire.”

Krampus Trauma indeed.

Now I’m guessing there may be a chance that the Dark Lord Krampus likes to stay exclusive to Europe. So just in case we can’t convince him to share his bloody reign of purification, I’ve come up with some alternates that could fill the “Krampus of the New World” position:

1. Legend’s Darkness

In my mind, Darkness is the obvious first choice to drive fear and obedience into the hearts of America’s youth. This guy is fucking frightening. Just picture him with “naughty” children hanging from each horn. Oh you’ll behave.

2. BrundleFly

“If you misbehave, I’ll touch you.” Jesus, tell me you wouldn’t be good. Let’s work to make “Every time a child is naughty, BrundleFly peels off a fingernail” a favorite holiday saying. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

3. All the Ventriloquist Dummies in the Country

I, uh… oh God. OK, scratch that one. I’m not that fucked up. Look at them all, with their little legs… AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

4. Leatherface

Nothing would blend more seamlessly with the holly jolly Santa Claus likeness better than an enormous, extremely disturbed and disfigured brute with a taste for headcheese and murder, chainsaw at the ready. Don’t ya think?

5. Sentient, Lab-Created Louie Anderson/Rosie O’Donnell being, AKA Operation Doomsday

Some government lab is bound to already have this awful mistake lying around somewhere; might as well put it to good use. Christ, I don’t know if this is worse than number 3 or not.

Let’s get on this America. We don’t want to start looking like the British, do we?

Merry Christmas to all,
And to all,
Eh, whatever.

Hypnotic Nights
JEFF the Brotherhood
Warner Bros.
2012

Listen on Spotify

I really envy teenagers that get to hear JEFF The Brotherhood fresh off the presses. The kids. These kids today. Do the kids listen to that Jeffrey and his Brotherhood? Or just bearded/Bettie-Page-banged 20- and 30-somethings? I’m pretty out of touch with the kids, seeing as I frequently have back pain. I think they like that Skrillex lady.

My weird view of teenagerdom, influenced equally by extremely warped memories and some fabricated ideal of how teenagerdom is supposed to be (thanks disaffected youth films!), dictates that as a teenager your listening tastes are dominated either by happy-fun-goodtimes music or sad-bastard music. Or let’s just say that there are major key or minor key kids. I was a minor key kid. A Sad Bastard.

Often the tendency when you’re young dumb and full of cum is to try to act older and more serious than you are. And immerse yourself in music you think is deep, like sitting in your bedroom and contemplating the brokenness displayed in The Wall, or studying the poetry of Jim Morrison like it was Ezra Pound. And when you can’t even contemplate asking a girl out, well those minor keys and lofty themes envelop you like a nice warm whiney blanket. It was a good phase, and I wouldn’t take much back, but there are regrets.

Only years later was I able to hear the greatness of dudes like JEFF the Brotherhood playing fuzzed out rock about not giving a fuck and having a good time in the midst of being unstuck in suburbia. The modern stuff I listened to in the 90s had the fuzz, the not giving a fuck and the isolation, but not much of the good times. Soundgarden, Alice In Chains, Nirvana (although Nirvana had a lot of humor about them). It wasn’t until years later that I could really enjoy Guided By Voices and stuff like The Exploding Hearts.

JEFF the Brotherhood is my hindsight idea of the perfect music to be into as a young-Matt-Dillon-sneering teen. Their latest LP Hypnotic Nights, as well as last year’s equally bitchin’ We Are The Champions (the two that I am familiar with so far; they have stuff going back a lot further to explore), sound like a faded Polaroid (NOT Instagram) of some kids hanging out in a paneled basement with a sixer of Miller High Life. The kind of thing that would currently be on an advertisement geared toward H-words, but, ya know, authentic.

The brothers Orrall deliver no-nonsense (or pure nonsense) fuzzed-out calls to quit “Staring at the Wall” and get out of whatever snoozefest “here” is and go have some fun, whether it be out in the country, on the open road, or anywhere else away from that “Dark Energy.” The drive behind Nights is Stooges-like in its simplicity and slow four-on-the-floor thudding open-mouth head nodding, but strays from Iggy and his crew in its unflinching optimism.

Rock to escape. That’s a teenage theme, right? I guess not; not exclusively anyway. But music like this is often such an aphrodisiac for youngin’s the world over to get some cheap equipment, set up in a garage and start the next Rod Torfulson’s Armada featuring Herman Menderchuk. When I first listened to this record, the one image that kept creeping into my memory was the inner sleeve photo of Weezer’s Weezer (Blue Album). Oh wait, I guess there were a few upbeat rockers in my repertoire back in the day. Memory’s a funny thing.

I bought this album on cassette shortly after “Undone (The Sweater Song)” became somewhat ubiquitous, just before “Buddy Holly” became totally ubiquitous. I was 14 going on 15 and had just started learning guitar sometime around then, and I’d stare at that picture over and over. It was the coolest thing I’d ever fucking seen. I learned about about each guitar and amp model (Oranges are the tits) and even dug into some Judas Priest and Quiet Riot after discerning who was in the posters on the wall. I unfolded it so many times, the perforation gave way (cassettes!) and I eventually taped it together and thumb tacked it to my bedroom wall, waiting for the day I could get some friends together and set up a garage just like that. Soon enough I did get together with some guys, and may have possibly framed the instruments in the room to closer resemble the photo while the others were out smoking.

But that feeling’s still there when I look at the photo now. It’s still cool as shit, and I still want that setup, even after having it several times over the years. A lot of guys I know my age could still look at this photo and their souls would salivate, looking to get away with some ice and a six pack and just say fuck it for a while. It’s nice to know that I can still have something in common with that young age, you know, except for all that “I’ve got my whole life ahead of me!” bullshit. Stupid kids.

Anywho, JEFF the Brotherhood records sound like this picture, and you should listen to them if you get any of what I’m saying. You should also listen to Mikal Cronin (a lot), Ty Segall (who seems to be the critics’ choice out of this lot, though not mine), Best Coast (sunnier and more whimsical but just as dumb), and then listen to The Exploding Hearts’ 2003 masterpiece Guitar Romantic. Because that record is perfect.

I was never a Dungeons & Dragons kid, but I get the fantasy appeal; my fantasy world during my awkward adolescence revolved around music (obviously), and there are a few forgotten VHS documents buried somewhere of me and my friends in weird wigs playing endless jams around songs like “Dazed and Confused” on our Fender Squiers to attest to our roleplaying.

By the time somebody tried to get me into something called RIFT, I was older and it all seemed too complicated. Perhaps if I had been introduced to the brilliant Tom Hanks warning film Mazes & Monsters earlier, I would have been on board.

But one thing about D&D culture that I was always about was the proggish epic metal that began to accompany it. Songs filled with the dwarves and gorgons and ancient forests of elves that either inspired the game’s makers or were later inspired by the magic campaigns. Included in this FishMixing are songs old and new that could soundtrack the most perilous of campaigns through the Elder Woode of Monkberry Commons (or Pennypack Park if you wanna be a dick about it).

But I also wanted to include the perilous campaign of the awkward suburban teenager, and what better way to encapsulate that wonderful/awful experience with the guidance of Freaks & Geeks?

For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of watching this amazing series, I’ll put it this way: if you would never in a million years refer to high school as “the best years of your life,” then you owe it to yourself to check it out. In the last episode, a wary Freak joins the Geeks in a game of Dungeons & Dragons, and the result is enlightening:

Please enjoy this fearsome campaign, and check out some Freaks & Geeks clips below that inspired some of the song choices (including the “I Am One” clip, which in a mere couple minutes encapsulates my entire being and all of my adolescent years).

D&D: A Fantasy Roleplaying Mix Inspired by Freaks & Geeks from arodmcfoolish on 8tracks.

1. Subdivisions – Rush

2. Fun Night – Andrew WK

3. Acheron/Unleashing the Orb – The Sword

4. Run To The Hills – Iron Maiden

5. No Language In Our Lungs – XTC

6. The Ancient Forest Of Elves – Luca Turilli

7. The Battle of Evermore – Led Zeppelin

8. I Just Wasn’t Made For These Times – The Beach Boys

9. Chaosium Sword – Chromelodeon

10. Jaktens Tid – Finntroll

11. In the Garage – Weezer

12. War, Wisdom and Rhyme – Baroness

13. Ogre Battle – Queen

14. Songs From The Wood – Jethro Tull

15. I’m One – The Who

16. Triumph For My Magic Steel – Rhapsody

17. Bastards of Young – The Replacements

18. Don’t Get 2 Close (2 My Fantasy) – Ween

I will never, ever forget the first time the disturbing, wonderful sounds of The Frogs crossed my ears, which is pretty impressive considering I was in a closet full of weed smoke.

My brother-from-another-mother Jesse & I were 18 years old and worshipped at the altar of weird. Ever since the moment we heard the air raid sirens that open Black Sabbath’s Paranoid, we were on board. One of our regular activities was to record the strangest collage of footage we could find from public access TV throughout the week and present the findings to one-up each other on the weekends, most often amidst clouds full of the stickiest of the icky. We also recorded a series of bizarre, improvised songs (amazingly enough before our “drug phase”) we would eventually title Warm Soapy Enema. So Jesse was shocked to find out through his older brother that there was an underground duo doing the same thing, only at freak levels we could barely fathom.

On one night of decadent smokeupery, Jesse had planned a surprise for me. Out of nowhere, he quickly ushered me to his bedroom closet, handed me a water bong, and yelled “HEY YOU NEED TO SMOKE THIS AND LISTEN! YOU CAN’T COME OUT!” After the closet was appropriately fishbowled, I gave the go ahead and heard a cassette screech to life.

He had the change done at the shop
earlobes for cocks
April Fools
He had his balls thrown over the top
like a mop of hair
April Fools
He had his buttocks transferred to his cheeks on his face
April, April doom
Because then where would the poop come out of?
His mouth
Well, he decided he wanted a vagina down south
April Fools
Where his belly button once stood, now stood a cock
With a mouth at the end that ate the food
Oh, well, what a peculiar guest he was at summer swimming parties
What with the nipples protruding from his eyelids
And, of course, beneath his chin the penis…

I was both horrified and exhilarated by what I heard. I imagined two shut-ins living in an old cabin recording these maddening diatribes living some kind of Henry Darger existence. That these two men were living the homosexual, orgiastic lifestyle they were singing about, perhaps during recording. Or that these tapes were found in an abandoned house and there was no explanation as to their origin, that they had just been passed around and dubbed and redubbed and played at summer swimming parties.

After I was released from the fog closet, Jesse & I learned the truth about The Frogs, that the Flemion brothers were buds with the likes of Smashing Pumpkins and Pearl Jam. It was kind of a letdown compared to the fantasies, as the truth often is, but those fantasies are alive and pulse through The Frogs’ prolific output of brilliantly twisted compositions. I continued to listen to their cassettes, and loved them more with each listen, as I do to this day. It was a long time before I heard live bootlegs (I regret that I never had the pleasure of seeing them live), but when I did I was surprised all over again to hear the difference in their powerhouse shows, much like the dichotomy between Guided By Voices’ lo-fi recordings and anthemic live sets.

The Frogs certainly aren’t for everybody. I’ve tried to make converts out of many people and have grown accustomed to the piercing look of confusion and disapproval that most often accompanies the effort. And that’s fine by me. With those who got it, I’ll always feel a kinship.

Like all other ardent Frogs believers, I am deeply saddened by the death of Dennis Flemion. I wish his brother Jimmy and the rest of his family peace. I like to think his being still floats around our ether, running its hands through spines, making all things it touches much more inappropriate, interesting and brilliant.

It’s freaking gorgeous out today. And it’s supposed to be a gloriously pleasant Philadelphia weekend the whole way through kiddies. And you know there’s no better way to celebrate it than to head outdoors, sip a cocktail filled with coconut rum and such, and let the smooth grooves take the stress away.

So here’s a list of some personal favorites out of the Yacht Rock genre very near and dear to my heart–

IRONY ALERT!!!!!
Please don’t bother listening to these sweet grooves if you love to hate this music. Or if you consider it a “guilty pleasure.” I’m with Chuck Klosterman in thinking that there’s no such thing. These are finely crafted pop delights. If you have a problem with the overpolished production, then I beg of you: Have another drink and focus on the melodies.

Also, I cannot put this list forward without acknowledging its major inspiration: Yacht Rock, the Channel 101 series created by JD Ryznar and Hunter Stair. It’s a loving homage to the interwoven careers of a group of musicians in the late 70s/early 80s that created incredibly smooth sounds. While many of the stories and musical connections portrayed in Yacht Rock are true, Ryznar takes them to a whole other level. For example, many music fans know that Toto played the music on Michael Jackson’s “Human Nature,” but did you know that they had to enlist Vincent Price’s paranormal expertise to pry a rock-twisted Jackson from the clutches of bad boy Eddie Van Halen and back to the sounds of Smooth?

Such tales are the meat of this series that centers around the relationship of frenemy singers Michael McDonald and Kenny Loggins as they attempt to “keep the fire” of Smooth Music burning despite the temptations of hard rocking. It’s a must watch. Check it out on the above Channel 101 link or on this YouTube playlist.

And without further ado–

Smooth… It’s Got To Be Smooth from arodmcfoolish on 8tracks.

Or listen to this FishMixing on Spotify.

1. I Keep Forgetting – Michael McDonald

2. Breezin’ – George Benson

3. Eye in the Sky – The Alan Parsons Project

4. Don’t Fight it – Kenny Loggins & Steve Perry

5. Steppin’ Out – Joe Jackson

6. FM – Steely Dan

7. Sailing – Christopher Cross

8. Rosanna – Toto

9. I Can’t Go For That – Hall & Oates

10. Even The Nights Are Better – Air Supply

11. This Is It – Kenny Loggins & Michael McDonald

12. Human Nature – Michael Jackson

13. What A Fool Believes – Doobie Brothers

14. Shattered Dreams – Johnny Hates Jazz

15. Ya Mo B There – Michael McDonald & James Ingram

16. Rikki Don’t Lose That Number – Steely Dan

17. Harden My Heart – Quarterflash

18. Penny Lover – Lionel Richie

19. Africa – Toto

20. Regulators – Warren G and Nate Dogg

As those in the Dylan know know, covers of our own Shakespeare In The Alley could be considered an entire genre of pop music. The homages, sendups, reimaginings and interpretations are endless, and were going on as soon as he started writing songs. I’m happy to say that while I am an absolute Dylan junkie (read: I even think Self Portrait is brilliant), I’m not a stuffed-shirt purist when it comes to The Bard’s tunes. I welcome covers, and am thrilled to hear somebody succeed in putting their own stank on an established Dylan anthem. It’s the same with film remakes–a lot of people get their panties in a bunch when someone does this, but I’m happy to watch. It’s somebody else’s take on something they (in many cases) love, and hey, if it ends up sucking, guess what? The original is still committed to film (or tape, DVD, Betamax, etc.) No big loss.

So Amnesty International put together a 76-song collection of Dylan covers, which I knew I would have to go through and evaluate. Overall, I’d say it’s a mediocre collection, mostly due to boring, cliched studio production glossiness, but there is definitely a collection within the collection of fun, surprising and inspiring covers.

Check it out here on Spotify, or pick it up.

But before we delve into this behemoth compilation, I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up the best collection of Dylan covers I’ve ever heard, and indeed the measuring stick by which I would judge all collections that came after it: the soundtrack to I’m Not There, the abso-fucking-lutely BRILLIANT Todd Haynes Dylan biopic. I mean, for serious, I could watch this film 15 times in a row and not tire of it.

A word of warning though about this film: I don’t know exactly what you’ll get out of it if you’re not A) a supreme Dylan nut, or B) you can’t grasp the idea of a man assuming different archetypes/identities in his life and that a film might attempt to express that by literally having different characters play the same subject. The majority of the criticism I heard flung at the film boiled down to “But why are there different people playing one guy? I don’t get why you would do that. This is artsy-fartsy,” or some such nonsense. It seemed a pretty obvious way to explain such a chameleon to me. Plus, Cate Blanchett. Jesus.

Anywho, whether or not you enjoy (or even see) the film, the soundtrack was without a doubt the best collection of Dylan interpretations ever set to wax. Listen to it here, or buy it. A lot.

So without further ado–

1. One Too Many Mornings – Johnny Cash featuring The Avett Brothers
Just remove the Avett Brothers karaoke track on here and you’ve got something.

2. Leopard-Skin Pill-Box Hat – Raphael Saadiq
Not a Saadiq fan, but was pleasantly surprised with his choice of Grateful Dead-ish interpretation. Still, pretty meh.

3. Drifter’s Escape – Patti Smith
Not a surprise that Patti brought it into the Street-Legal era, not a bad choice but still too reverent. I want ragged, all-or-nothing days Patti!

4. Ballad of Hollis Brown – Rise Against
I like the energy and the build, but that late 90s/early aughts sheen is a bit much.

5. Blind Willie McTell – Tom Morello The Nightwatchman
A travesty.

6. Corrina, Corrina – Pete Townshend
A charming rendition. Thanks Pete. I needed that after that Tom Morello business.

7. Most of the Time – Bettye LaVette
One of my favorite latter-day Dylan tunes, it totally works as a Soul ballad. Props to LaVette for giving it the Mavis Staples business.

8. This Wheel’s On Fire – Charlie Winston
Winston’s Antony-like wobble fits the original Rick Danko vocal well, but the arrangement is to glossy for something penned in Big Pink.

9. Simple Twist of Fate – Diana Krall
Too, I dunno… uptight.

10. You Ain’t Goin’ Nowhere – Brett Dennen
Now this is the laid back fun vibe this song needs. Perfect fit.

11. Love Sick – Mariachi El Bronx
Spanish arrangements usually work well on Dylan tunes, as in this case, along with the orchestration and choral vocals.

12. Blowin’ in the Wind – Ziggy Marley
Aside from the guitar tone, a really solid minor-key version. Ziggy’s voice is best during its roughest moments.

13. Changing of the Guards – The Gaslight Anthem
The all-American, rollicking Bruce sendup makes sense, and Gaslight pulls it off, although I really miss the horns on this. The Clarence sound would have nailed it.

14. Not Dark Yet – Silversun Pickups
I think I like this one. Pretty sure. I think it’s the vocals that are throwing me.

15. You’re A Big Girl Now – My Morning Jacket
Jim James and Co. are excellent at covers (his “Going To Acapulco” cover on I’m Not There was show-stopping), and this is no exception. His sweet voice evokes Dylan’s during its least smoke-corroded Nashville Skyline days. Reverb and boom and slide, oh my.

16. Boots of Spanish Leather – The Airborne Toxic Event
Didn’t love it; didn’t hate it.

17. Girl from the North Country – Sting
Sting plays it smart sticking to the solo acoustic fingerpicking. Solo Sting is usually bad news, but he scores a serene win here.

18. Restless Farewell – Mark Knopfler
Dylan’s old friend Mark does a lovely Pogue-sey rendition.

19. Outlaw Blues – Queens Of The Stone Age
Finally, somebody rocks that shit! Wicked gutbucket guitar and the vocal distortion is a great touch. Out. Of. The. Park.

20. Rainy Day Woman # 12 & 35 – Lenny Kravitz
Ugh. I’m sorry; I’ll never forgive you for “American Woman.” You’re not allowed to cover songs anymore. Nice sax solo though.

21. One More Cup of Coffee (Valley Below) – Steve Earle & Lucia Micarelli
Good buildup, violins and mandolins are a great touch. Chest-heavingly well done.

22. Heart Of Mine- Blake Mills
Another with an 80s Springsteen feel, with Bonnie Raittish harmonies, and it works for this song. Nice to hear something from Shot of Love.

23. You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go – Miley Cyrus
#WhoIsBobDylan #RoyalUglyDude #ZOMG
Seriously though, other than some minor processing and effects on the vocal, she sings this in true country style, with some aged raspiness in her voice. Pleasantly surprised.

24. Lay Down Your Weary Tune – Billy Bragg
Billy’s one guy who can handle a Dylan cover, although I’d rather her it in old-school heavy accent Bragg. Really dig the choral vocals.

25. License to Kill – Elvis Costello
What sounds like an awful start on a starter Casio keyboard eventually fills out with a nice Costello arrangement, complete with the old-school reggae bass. Wonderfully strange arrangement, excellent high harmonies.

26. Lay, Lady, Lay – Angelique Kidjo
Overproduced. Would’ve been so much better if they went with an African field recording feel.

27. Ring Them Bells – Natasha Bedingfield
Can’t anybody get this cover right? The original usually reduces me to tears. Sufjan shockingly screwed it up on I’m Not There (that and Vedder’s “Watchtower” were the only negatives in that collection), and Bedingfield reduces it to an Amy Grant ballad.

28. Love Minus Zero/No Limit – Jackson Browne
Meh to fair enough version, but I still say fuck this guy for laying his hands on Darryl Hannah.

29. Seven Curses (Live) – Joan Baez
I give Joan a lot of flack (usually just to annoy my mother), but I’ll be damned if she still doesn’t sound as unbelievably angelic and strong as she did 50 years ago. As far as singing ability and looks, Joan had the last laugh over Dylan, that’s for sure. One of the few artists to truly earn Dylan covers.

30. No Time To Think – The Belle Brigade
What is this? Get rid of this.

31. Tonight I’ll Be Staying Here With You (Live) – Sugarland
See #30. And #5.

32. Mr. Tambourine Man – Jack’s Mannequin
OK, I guess we’ve hit a lull here. Who’s gonna get us out of this?

33. 4th Time Around – Oren Lavie
Nice Israeli touches and atmospheric trumpet on this arrangement. Thanks for bringing us back on to the level Oren.

34. All I Really Want To Do – Sussan Deyhim
We’ve gone world music! Not sure about this Iranian Adult Not-So-Contemporary version (it grew on me as the song progressed), but I kind of wish Sade was singing over this. That would be smoooooooth son.

35. Make You Feel My Love (Recorded Live at WXPN) – Adele
Yup. Still don’t like Adele, nor do I find her the least bit interesting. But even her Soul-pablum can’t ruin this incredible song. It always makes me think of my friends Jay and Michele’s wedding. Much love.

36. With God On Our Side – K’NAAN
I absolutely love the rhythm K’NAAN gives to the verse lyrics. This guy’s a Somali-Canadian rapper. What? I’m glad that’s a thing. Great modernizing of this tune.

37. I Want You – Ximena Sariñana
Not the kind of song you want to sing like pouty widdle girl. This isn’t “Santa Baby.”

38. She Belongs to Me – Neil Finn with Pajama Club
Sounds like they applied the Daniel Lanois-produced Oh Mercy treatment to an older Dylan tune, which is nice to hear, but a little too much of that Adam Clayton Joshua Tree bass treatment.

39. Bob Dylan’s Dream – Bryan Ferry
I always loved this song, but I expected Bryan Ferry to be much more inventive than this. Too many of these covers have that reverent, “THIS IS AN IMPORTANT BALLAD” stock production. Also, mouth harp?

40. Tomorrow Is A Long Time – Zee Avi
Like the minimalism of this one.

41. Just Like a Woman – Carly Simon
Who’s playing piano on this? Excellent, sultry arrangement. I’ve never heard Carly sound this dark and night-clubby (in a good way). Wow.

42. The Times They Are A-Changin’ – Flogging Molly
Love putting the Irish treatment on this anthem, but I’ve never been huge into the Irish-Polished-Punk sound of Flogging Molly. If this was The Chieftains or The Clancy Brothers (God rest their immortal souls), I’d be much happier.

43. Buckets Of Rain – Fistful Of Mercy
One of my favorite Dylan tunes, and for my money nobody covered it better than Neko Case. The group vocals and bass drum thump carry this version along nicely though.

44. Man Of Peace – Joe Perry
OK, in all seriousness, can somebody just put Aerosmith out of their misery? These guys all share a career that is about 37 years too old. And WHO told Joe Perry to sing?

45. It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue – Bad Religion
Not a Bad Religion fan, and this cover doesn’t help matters. I can’t help but think of all the other, better, more original covers out there of this tune.

46. Desolation Row (Live) – My Chemical Romance
Not a huge fan of these guys either, but this is a great anthemic punk take on Dylan’s rambling, surrealist poetry. This one works for me, whereas Bad Religion’s doesn’t. Dunno why exactly.

47. Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door – RedOne featuring Nabil Khayat
This song needs to be retired. It was seriously dead, then Antony breathed wondrous, macabre life back into it on I’m Not There, but that was it. No more of this song please.

48. Abandoned Love – Paul Rodgers & Nils Lofgren
Ultra commercial Neu-Country arrangement. Boo.

49. New Morning – Darren Criss featuring Chuck Criss and Freelance Whales
Aw man, they took all the joy and bounce out of one of my favorite Dylan tunes and turned it into open mic night pap.

50. The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll – Cage the Elephant
I think this just needs to be a strummed protest song; the keyboard and effects-driven arrangement is just distracting from the story here. Dylan covered this one best on the Rolling Thunder Revue anyhow.

51. It Ain’t Me, Babe – Band of Skulls
Nice, minimal recording, driving yet subtle acoustic, lilting slides, harmonies that dole out the heartbreak in the lyrics. Aces.

52. Property of Jesus – Sinéad O’Connor
Wow. She’s still got it. I may need to dig into her catalogue. Her delivery of the chorus is the balls. Jesus, Dylan even made born-again Christianity badfuckingass. I think this is my favorite of the whole lot.

53. Shelter From The Storm – Ed Roland and The Sweet Tea Project
This song deserves much better.

54. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right – Ke$ha
I’ve never heard Ke$ha before, because I’m a grown-ass man. I assume she’s trying to mimic some major league depth because it’s Dylan, but she totally misses the point of the song while fake cry-singing. If I was a betting man, I’d wager that she recently heard Amanda Palmer’s “Creep” cover.

55. Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right – Kronos Quartet
I like to think Kronos Quartet were all, “Who the fuck is Ke$ha? Did I just speak a dollar sign? No, we’re doing that song.” Pretty much the weird arrangement that you’d expect from them.

56. I Shall Be Released – Maroon 5
I don’t think we need to say anything here, right? Let’s just just move right along…

57. Political World – Carolina Chocolate Drops
This is what this song would have sounded like if it were written in the 1860s with Tammany Hall as the backdrop. The vocals are lackluster, but the arrangement drives shit home.

58. Like A Rolling Stone – Seal & Jeff Beck
Couldn’t we find a smoother Dylan song for Seal? And does Dylan have any “smooth” songs? Why did they give the quintessential Dylan anthem to a duo that only the Grammy Award producers would assemble? Yikes.

59. Bob Dylan’s 115th Dream – Taj Mahal
I want to like this cover; it’s got a Booker T. and the M.G.’s-like arrangement, but it’s 80s Booker T. and the M.G.’s, and Taj Mahal’s vocal delivery is just too much.

60. Senor – Tales of Yankee Power (Live) – Dierks Bentley
Lively bluegrass arrangement with some excellent mandolining, but once again the vocals don’t rise to the occasion. Another song that should have been retired after it was knocked out of the park on I’m Not There by Willie Nelson.

61. One Of Us Must Know (Sooner Or Later) – Mick Hucknall
Great Dylan vocals by “the Simply Red guy.” it’s about time someone did a Dylan vocal homage.

62. I’ll Remember You – Thea Gilmore
So far, my favorite part about this compilation is hearing people doing Dylan’s forgotten and vastly underrated 80s material. The guy’s absolute worst was still pretty damn remarkable. Gilmore handles this tune with aplomb.

63. John Brown – State Radio
I take it The Black Keys weren’t available and Amnesty International had to settle for the fifth-rate version.

64. All Along the Watchtower (Live) – Dave Matthews Band
See #56. Aw, and they had to put a version from Philadelphia didn’t they? Bad form Amnesty International.

65. Subterranean Homesick Blues – Michael Franti
We’ve hit another lull.

66. Mama, You Been On My Mind – We Are Augustines
S’all right.

67. Tryin’ To Get To Heaven – Lucinda Williams
Poignant tune, especially coming from Williams. She sounds like a female Springsteen on this one.

68. Quinn The Eskimo (The Mighty Quinn) – Kris Kristofferson
Kris still gots it.

69. Gotta Serve Somebody – Eric Burdon
Not bad.

70. I’d Have You Anytime – Evan Rachel Wood
Love this Dylan-Harrison collaboration, and can totally dig it in this lounge cover. Marilyn Manson’s ex nails the sultry chanteuse on the piano. Oh those actresses-turned-singers.

71. Baby Let Me Follow You Down (Live) – Marianne Faithfull
I know it’s now fashionable to hate the ukulele (as opposed to last year when it was fashionable to love it), but it is a perfect instrument for this song. Marinane Faithfull, on the other hand, just scares me.

72. Forever Young – Pete Seeger
Way to still be alive Pete. I think if he still had the strength, he would’ve taken an ax to the glossy studio production on most of this collection and made everybody go it with acoustics and footstomps.

73. Chimes Of Freedom – Bob Dylan
“Sometimes there’s a man… I won’t say a hero, ’cause what’s a hero? But sometimes, there’s a man… Sometimes, there’s a man, well, he’s the man for his time and place.”

74. Outernational – When the Ship Comes In
75. Silverstein – Song To Woody
76. Daniel Bedingfield – Man In The Long Black Coat

All the rest is bad, especially in the shadow of The Man.

In honor of the midseason premiere of The Walking Dead tonight, I present you with Zombocalypse, the soundtrack to the Zombie Film that has been going on in my brain ever since I sat enraptured with and horrified by Night of the Living Dead as a child who sneaked downstairs to watch on Halloween night. I have provided some stepping stones; I recommend you listen and fill in your own movie. And remember to always scout out nearby locations for possible escape routes, weapons and safe haven; you never know when the shit’s gonna hit the fan.

Zombocalypse: Original Soundtrack from arodmcfoolish on 8tracks.

Or listen to Zombocalypse (minus the opening song) on Spotify.

1. Prologue

“Z-Day” – Arod McFoolish

…in which all hell breaks loose

2. Opening Credits

“Demon Host” – Timber Timbre

…in which those left alive realize the severity of the situation

3. Rising Action

“Someone Chasing Someone Through A House” – Umberto

…in which our heros are made to flee the hoards surrounding them

4. Temporary Rest

“Hard Time Killin’ Floor Blues” – Skip James

…in which those who can find temporary respite bed down, but get little sleep

5. Cities On Fire

“Deerslayer” – Black Math Horseman

…in which our group of rag-tag survivors discover the futility of traveling to the city

6. Migratory Patterns

“The Cold Part” – Modest Mouse

…in which the survivors cross a cold and desolate tundra in hopes of finding civilization

7. Sorrow, Agony

“Death Don’t Have No Mercy” – Reverend Gary Davis

…in which in-fighting and death threatens the group’s morale

8. A Love Affair, Amidst The Walking Dead

“Trust Me” – Zola Jesus

…in which human beings turn to each other in desperation

9. The Facade Crumbles

“Only You Can Break My Heart” – Team Ghost

…in which the delusion of security is eliminated and the group flees, losing members

10. Regrouping

“Black Celebration” – Depeche Mode

…in which the few who remain examine the few choices they have

11. Preparation, The Final Countdown

“In The Air Tonight” – Phil Collins

…in which our heroes prepare for a showdown of epic proportions and travel to meet their fate

12. We Make Our Last Stand

“You Keep Me Hanging On” – Vanilla Fudge

…in which the group fights with everything it has to survive one more day

13. Death

“Sunlight, Heaven” – Julianna Barwick

…in which those who have lost slip away from apocalypse

14. Closing Credits

“Sleep Walk” – Santo & Johnny

Sure, I love hoarding a hard drive full of digital music treasures, as well as the Spotify streaming behemoth, but it’s true when they say that nothing beats a trip to the record store. Here’s another post in a continuing series of vinyl hunts.

Amoeba Music

1855 Haight Street
San Francisco, CA

In late January, I went to visit my good friends Dan & Mandy (Dan’s blog, Public Transportation Horrors, is the tits.) in Oakland, where it rained for three straight days. It wasn’t that upsetting; luckily, my friends are very entertaining and you don’t need good weather to play pinball, eat good foodstuffs, go see comedy shows, witness art, watch a Jaws/The Taking of Pelham 123 double feature on a projector and drink beer in bars. Anyway, not running into Hammer on the streets of Oak-Town was far more of a letdown.

The one site I had my heart set on seeing was Amoeba Music, the music geek emporium about which I had often read. I was able to check it out with Dan while our ladyfriends adjourned to vintage clothes shopping. Amoeba was a magnificent site to behold. It would have taken me a couple days to properly explore its nooks and crannies, but with only an hour to spare, I decided to focus on Soul, my current record-buying obsession. I usually stick to old records of the cheaper variety, but I walked away from Amoeba with some choice reissued and new vinyl cuts.

1. McLemore Avenue / Booker T. & the M.G.’s / Stax Records

I was very excited to spot this record, having read about it years ago before its reissue. It’s Booker T. & the M.G.’s version of Abbey Road, McLemore Avenue being the street on which Stax Records is located. I’ve recently been on a mission with a friend of mine to put together a master playlist of The Beatles covering soul tunes and Soul acts covering Beatle tunes (the compilation will culminate with “Get Back,” of course, because it features The Beatles playing with Soul great Billy Preston), so this record plays into that theme perfectly.

Highlights include the organ hits on the “Here Comes The Sun” reprise that follow the rather tame verse/chorus interpretations; the jam thrown into “Something” that has nothing to do with the original, as if the boys just got tired of playing straight pop music and had to drop a funk bomb; and the funky Shaft-like lead-in to “You Never Give Me Your Money.” The grooves laid down on “Come Together” and “I Want You (She’s So Heavy)” are the real standouts, the latter reminding me of a similar rendition done by West Chester Soul gents The Sermon!, who recently wowed our wedding crowd with their sweet licks and deep grooves. Check’em out, pronto.

2. Doing It To Death / The J.B.’s / People Records

It’s great that Soul Brother Number One (referred to on this sleeve as “JAMES BROWN – THE HIT MAN – THE GODFATHER OF SOUL”) did a series of records highlighting his blazing dynamo of a band. Right off the intro, “Doing It To Death” lays down the sickliest of bottoms that never lets up once in 10 minutes, and we’re all off to have a funky good time. If I were to witness anybody listening to this record without an expression of pure bliss (or at least the onset of a neck twitch and an overbite), I may feel the need to dropkick them in the solar plexus. Fred Wesley and his J.B.’s blow it up on this record, as they did anytime they ever picked up their instruments to play, in my guesstimate. And then there are the “You Can Have Watergate Just Gimme Some Bucks And I’ll Be Straight” interludes… Apparently, S.B.N.O. did some work with The Dark One, but I’ll just assume, as was the case with Elvis, it was just the drugs talking.

Wow.

Other highlights on this stellar album include Fred Thomas’s blistering bass solo and Brown asking his drummer if he can play in the key of F on “More Peas,” and the jazz odyssey that is “Sucker,” complete with bongo solo. All in all, yet another James Brown record I could listen to on infinite repeat.

3. The Stepkids / The Stepkids / Stones Throw Records

I recently named this #1 in my favorite jawns of 2011, and needed to experience it on vinyl. It’s such a lovely amalgam of Soul (60s and 70s) and Psychedelia with a healthy dose of Zappa ambiance, at its strongest in the vocals. Definitely a record that benefits from the vinyl treatment. Also, watch this again, for it is great:

The Stepkids – Legend In My Own Mind from Robert Hatch-Miller on Vimeo.

4. Telling the Truth / Willie Wright / Numero Group

Willie Wright and friends deliver gentle tempos and piano flourishes that evoke the serenity of Nick Drake by way of Bill Withers. Lots of “Folk Soul” here (the sweetest song being “Son, Don’t Let Life Pass You By”), a bit too dragging at times, but the record picks up on “I’m So Happy Now” and “Love Is Expensive.”

Numero Group put together a lovely rerelease package here, one in a line of excellent Soul reissues, complete with gorgeous packaging, additional notes, studio rap sheets and a 7″ single. The original sleeve, included on the inner sleeve in this package, lists an awesome set of warnings:

-This is not a disco record.
-It’s designed for ADULTS of the world.
-TEENAGERS, this album may be too lyrically heavy for you, especially if you’re into fast music.
-YOU WILL, however, enjoy this record if you’re into GUITARS!

The sleeve also describes him as “One of the greatest singers of all times, and one of the most relaxed.” If you’re not a vinyl person and don’t get the appeal, let me say that old-school liner notes are always worth the purchase. If I ever started a record label, I would insist on writing all liner notes in the style of those written between 1955-1976.

5. The House of the Rising Sun / Santa Esmeralda / Casablanca

I reveled when I discovered a sequel to the Santa Esmeralda disco odyssey “Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood / Esmeralda Suite,” and that it was a regular dollar-bin record! For their second album masterpiece, of course they decided upon “House of the Rising Sun / Quasimodo Suite.” It’s got just as much flavor, latin sass, hand claps and flamenco guitar hits as its predecessor, and I am am thankful to Quentin Tarantino for introducing me to this disco inferno in Kill Bill.


All in all, a wonderful trip to the record store. Now that I’m back home in Philly, I want something of the same magnitude to spend an entire day digging through. I think my next record store entry may involve the great Princeton Record Exchange. Stay tuned!

Ugh… It’s been some time since I walked that walk. That Duck Man walk. I was married just shy of three months ago to my my Good Lady Wife. She’s a wonderful lady, and she bandaged and tended to that gaping, gory wound in my chest quite nicely. But before that, well, let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.

Another friend of mine with whom I was in the trenches recently heard me talking about this mix and looked uneasy, as if it was bringing on a flashback of the one hundredth girl dropping the “my boyfriend” bomb into our unsuspecting foxhole of angst. “Why would you do that?” he asked. I guess I’m just a sucker for nostalgia.

Regrets? Sure, I have a few, but as I look back, for the most part, my horrendous track record with the opposite sex brings to mind the invaluable lessons it brought to bear, such as “your friends are what’s important,” “there’ll always be a song for that,” and “fuck that bitch, who wants to watch The Warriors?”

And of course, there’s the consummate patron saint of unrequited love, Phil “Duckie” Dale. He doesn’t get the girl as Hughes so badly wanted (Erase that walking away with Kristy Swanson scene at the end by the way, that shit never happened. That was some dumb focus group bullshit right there.), but he was such a cool cat that I didn’t really mind. The guy had impeccable fashion sense, was funny as all get out, performed to Otis Redding like no white man ever has, and had a great nickname. In the end, that bitch didn’t even deserve him. I mean McCarthy? Seriously, that shitheal’s name was Blane! The Duckman deserves so much better! Let’s see, do I go with the guy who performs Stax tunes for me in the middle of a record shop, or the feeb who unironically buys a Steve Lawrence record? Duckie actually empowers those of us who wander (or wandered) through single life with zero game. It’s kind of like the romantic equivalent of running into the captain of the the football team, the guy who pantsed you that time in gym class and dubbed you “fat-tard,” pumping your gas. You know you won out in the end. This set’s for you Duckman; here’s hoping you get off that shitty Ashton Kutcher show.

Just A Friend: The Duckie Mix from arodmcfoolish on 8tracks.

Or listen to this FishMixing on Spotify.

1. Is She Really Going Out With Him? – Joe Jackson

Sure, it’s an obvious choice for this subject, but Joe Jackson sums it up pretty succinctly, and lovingly cushions the heartache with super-catchy pops and skanks. But his eyes become murderous daggers as those classic Joe Jackson piano hits bring in the bridge, and all of us sad sacks imagine a glorious end to gorilla domination.

2. Boyfriend – Best Coast

And here’s one for the duckettes. This candy-coated pop jones makes me sympathize, then think of Some Kind of Wonderful, John Hughes’ angry answer to the Pretty In Pink producers who wouldn’t let Duckie win out out over Andrew Fucking McCarthy.

For me, this tune is sung from the perspective of Watts, the female Duckie, the obvious-to-any-sane-man perfect woman in Some Kind of Wonderful, in that she is steaming hot, cooler than everyone else, plays drums, and could fix your car when it breaks down. I mean at least Hughes writes a fuller character for Lea Thompson than he did for McCarthy, but even though Watts gets her man in the end I always walk away thinking he didn’t deserve her anyway. I mean, she plays the drums! Did he not realize that? Did he not even get her Charlie Watts nickname? Stupid art guy. You, sir, are no Marty McFly.

3. Fall in Love With Me – Iggy Pop

The dorkiest loser is ten times cooler than the coolest of cool–in his daydreams. Here’s a song to encapsulate all that daydreaming that takes place, of wowing the girl with all your heroin chic and talk of cocaine and Berlin. “A bottle of white wine, a cigarette and you… I really wish you would/fall in love with me.” Who am I kidding, I still wish I possessed the Iggy Pop swagger. Damn.

4. Please, Please, Please Let Me – The Smiths

I had to, right? The epitome of heartwrench, with the perfect dash of snottiness to compliment the teenage experience. This song is a retroactive addition, as I never knew anything of The Smiths or Morrissey in my teen years. And I thank god for that. Every day of my life. Who the hell knows what would have come of that. Now that I think about it, probably the same amount of heartwrenching angst, but maybe some mascara.

5. Unrequited Love – Lykke Li

A new song via the retro melodrama of the Brill Building days, Lykke and the Lykkettes lay it all out on the table to a beat that sounds like me pounding my palm against my floor in despair. And what an eloquent word to describe the deafening phrase “You’re like a brother to me!” Good times!

6. Oh, Lonesome Me – Neil Young

Now here’s one that gets to the core of my early Sad Bastard years. Ol’ Neil was to me what Tori Amos was to most girls my age–music to brood to. Nothing like a little Neil late at night, alone in your bedroom, to break down your waterworks and reduce you to blubbering like a little girl with a skinned knee. The entire After The Gold Rush cassette was nearly worn out in my boom box, especially after painful school dances.

7. A Chicken With Its Head Cut Off – The Magnetic Fields

In my older incarnations of pining, I had to inject a bit of sugar to help the medicine go down, and Stephin Merritt presented the perfect concoction to drown in whilst still snickering and finding myself better than everyone else in that Diane Chambers sort of way. Merritt’s Wildean wit distracts just enough from the melancholy of his Steven Wright delivery so that you don’t find yourself banging your head against the wall at two in the morning.

8. Just My Imagination (Runnin’ Away With Me) – The Temptations

Barrett Strong’s lyrics reflect my years of anguished romantic daydreaming, but Norman Whitfield’s music is one of the best examples of the glorious musical juxtaposition I would always experience, even at my lowest, listening to these perfect pop symphonies. At the very least, there was always the music.

9. In Dreams – Roy Orbison

And then there was the man who could project every young lonelyheart’s agony in a single crooning trill. In my perfect musical world, he is the guy known as “The King.” I almost went with “Crying” here, but “In Dreams” captures the Duckie mood a bit better. Also, Elder Statesmen-Orbison could be the Duckman in his twilight years.

10. I Want You – Elvis Costello & The Attractions

Let’s get dark! The obsession that creeps out of this song is troubling and sinister. Luckily I’ve never quite gotten to this stage of pining before, but I sure as hell felt like I had a couple times. And I must admit, there are some tough-to-watch moments in Pretty In Pink when you think Andie may need a restraining order. As sinister as these lyrics are, it’s the slow-chase rhythm, tense organ and especially the two-note guitar solo that really get under my skin.

11. I’m Not In Love – 10cc

Denial! It’s a hum-dinger! It’s that stage when you insist that you simply have erased all feelings and will be cold and shallow regarding all women who cross your path from this moment forth. That is until Janice comes over all teary-eyed and wants to tell you all about how Robbie is an asshole, and if he could only be as wonderful as you, but, ya know, appealing to the opposite sex. DAMN YOU JANICE!

12. I Don’t Want To Get Over You – The Magnetic Fields

Had to have another Merritt song on here, and I’ll just let his lyrics speak for this one: “I could listen to all my friends and go out again and pretend it’s enough / or I could make a career of being blue / I could dress in black and read Camus / smoke clove cigarettes and drink vermouth / like I was 17 / that would be a scream / but I don’t want to get over you.”

13. It Makes No Difference – The Band

Is this the greatest “You’re gone and I’ll never be the same” song ever written? Perhaps. Out of the three amazing voices in The Band, Helm provided the growl, Manuel the angels, and Danko the agony. A tune to lament and cry into your beer to. Remember that one lonely guy in the crowd at Bob’s Country Bunker when The Blues Brothers sang “Stand By Your Man”? This one’s for him.

14. Maps – Yeah Yeah Yeahs

One last, desperate plea to the one that got away.

15. I’d Much Rather Be With The Boys – Reigning Sound

You didn’t think your old pal was gonna leave you with such a downer, did ya? Hells no. For at the end of any session of moping and pontificating over your sorry love life or lack thereof, hopefully your mind will redirect itself toward what is really important: your friends who will assure you that she’s a bitch that doesn’t deserve the likes of you. After all, look at all of your trivial music and film knowledge! You’re a goddamned genius! When someone asked her about music the other day, didn’t she say that she “likes everything”? You know what that means. Fuck her. Let’s go to 7-11 and fill a 64-ounce cup with nacho cheese. It says “free cheese” on the sign. They HAVE to give it to us!

This Stones tune* was done to perfection by legendary garagers Reigning Sound. Go listen to all of their stuff.

*Ladies, make sure to listen to your version by Donna Lynn. Keith Richards wrote the tune for The Toggery Five before she recorded the ladies’ version. The Stones demo eventually saw the light of day on 1975 compilation Metamorphosis. That’s right, ladies. I know my stuff. How was I not a stud?

I obsess. About music, film, comedy, a clean kitchen counter, the precise folding of my laundry and tying of my shoes… I’m not well. While some of these are a window into much deeper problems relating to my upbringing, others are those joys in which I’ll never mind being enveloped. My obsessions this past year, whether they be new releases, trends or writings, old habits, better-late-than-nevers and I’ll-never-get-overs.

Soul, Soul, Soul!

I was raised on the music of the 60s, in nearly all its vibrant forms, including the dueling camps of Hitsville and Soulsville USA, and its sounds have always commingled with all the traffic in my brain. But in the past year, Soul has taken a firm stance at the center of my musical world, prompting me to ask a question in 2011: “Is ‘Funk & Soul’ music the best music?” And after voraciously ingesting every possible type of recorded sound over nearly 30 years, I am currently of the mind that the answer is Yes. I realize that by the end of 2012 it is possible that I’ll say Tibetan Scream-Singing is the world’s purest tonal expression, but something from within tells me I’ll be sticking with my answer.

While I’ve been obsessing all slack-jawed over the grooves of James Brown over the past few years, this year I absorbed Hitsville USA: The Motown Singles Collection 1959-1971, The Complete Stax/Volt Singles: 1959-1968, the Standing In The Shadows of Motown and Respect Yourself: The Stax Records Story documentaries, and the vital Stax/Volt Revue Live In Norway 1967 concert film all countless times. And expanding past the the big studios, I discovered the Wheedle’s Groove documentary and compilation of Seattle’s hidden gem of a Soul scene during the 60s and 70s, as well as the utterly unbelievable and essential-for-all-lovers-of-Soul Downtown Soulville, the weekly WFMU program featuring DJ Mr. Fine Wine’s seemingly bottomless stack of Soul 45s. If I could recommend only one thing to you this year, it would be this show. Listen live on Friday nights from 8-9 EST on WFMU or in podcast form.

All of this authentic, raw soul may or may not be the reason for my

WTF? of the Year

I award the WTF? to a record that gets critical acclaim for reasons I cannot understand. In 2011, it’s Adele’s 21. I listened and listened, and all I could hear was a bland, boring, American Idol-influenced recording of commercially palatable R&B-for-WASPS. I mean, even Patti Smith raved about this record! What gives! But even people who reflect some of my opinion in their reviews will champion her vocal talent and rest the accolades firmly on that talent. But technical prowess does not a great record make. Two words folks: Yngwie Malmsteen. Emmiright?

R&B, Meet Indie!

As I mentioned in several of my best jawns of 2011 blurbs, there was a lot of R&B/Indie crossover in the last year. While a popular blogster trend is to shit on musicians trying new things or taking steps outside of their wheelhouse, these amalgams are just the product of cultures commingling because of a much broader, technology-bolstered playing field and the the lowering of “The Irony Curtain” that was my focus in 2010, the idea that musicians can explore sounds they dig that are considered lame foreign or nostalgic purely out of love and not some ironic, winking gesture (Thanks, Bon Iver, GAYNGS and Chromeo!). For a much better take on the “PBR&B” sect, check out Nitsuh Abebe’s New York Magazine article and list. And speaking of Nitsuh…

Rock Journalism Highs!

Many have claimed and continue to claim that rock journalism is dead. But for me, two men showed us in 2011 that such claims are bullshit. Christopher Weingarten made waves in 2009 by launching his @1000timesyes project and giving a speech at the 140 Characters Conference called “Twitter and the Death of Rock Criticism,” shown in its entirety below:

If you use Twitter, you may share my opinion that once you start following over a hundred folks or so, it can be a daunting task to follow. Sometimes I’ll just need to take a break from it and non-virtually play with my dog. But I couldn’t stop following @1000timesyes, and would often bring up Weingarten’s tweets and just read those. And the funny thing was, fifty percent of the time his opinions infuriated me (LINKIN FUCKING PARK?!LOLZOMFG!?). I didn’t agree with a hell of a lot of what he was digging (or hating on) musically, but he is passionate, and his writing always reflects that passion. Weingarten has often spat bile at sites like Pitchfork.com, a site I got into in around 2002-2003. And while I still use it as a source for finding records to sample, their reviews don’t really do it for me anymore. In a recent Nitsuh Abebe article (I’ll get to him soon!), he references an old Pitchfork review by Brent DiCrescenzo, who was one of my favorite writers at Pitchfork. These irreverent reviews, often written from the perspective of a fictional character, were what drew me to the site. They were smart but fun, and even when I didn’t agree with the argument, I loved reading them. But as Pitchfork’s readership grew, its editors began to clamp down on such “nonsense,” emphasizing “serious,” scholarly-sounding reviews that often seem to go on and on. There is still some excellent writing on the site, but a lot of the fun has faded. It got to be that I thought I couldn’t write an acceptable record review if it wasn’t at least 2000 words and void of humor.

Weingarten’s Twitter reviews were such a welcome breath of fresh air, proving, as he set out to do, that good music writing could be concisely edited down to 140-character bursts. And with the momentum he gained on Twitter, he went on to become SPIN Magazine’s senior editor, and just last week launched @SPINreviews along with a plan to review much more albums in this 140-character fashion while focusing the print side on longer, “think pieces” about less, more carefully selected fare. And I gotta say, this music dork finds it absolutely thrilling to be this excited about music writing again!

In addition to his Twitter and SPIN work, I highly recommend Weingarten’s contributions to the Village Voice’s Yes In My Backyard blog, featuring NYC band free mp3 downloads and interviews.

And now, to Mr. Abebe. I first discovered him over at Pitchfork through his masterful aughts-decade wrap-up “The Decade in Indie” (both this piece and Weingarten’s Twitter speech transcript can be found in Da Capo’s Best Music Writing 2010. Please check out Da Capo‘s annual series.) His take on music and pop culture has a knack for eloquently expressing my scattered thoughts on pop music in American society. His work reminds me a lot of Chuck Klosterman’s essays (another of my favorite pop culture sociologists), though Abebe is not quite as aggressively contrarian. For some of the most intelligent takes on pop music, check out his columns in Pitchfork (Why We Fight), New York Magazine, Vulture and his home base Tumblr agrammar. You will not be disappointed.

Tom Scharpling!

If you happen to be both a music AND comedy dork like myself, then you owe it to yourself to check out WFMU’s Best Show with Tom Scharpling. Billed appropriately as “Three hours of mirth, music and mayhem,” Scharpling’s call-in show is the most unique blend of music and comedy this side of The Rock ‘n’ Wrestling Connection. I’m someone who has a huge comedy podcast appetite, but it still took me a little while to get over the hurdle of the show lasting three hours. It didn’t take long for me to become an addict though, and this past year was one of the show’s strongest, especially with the unveiling of Vance, the prog-rock loving puppet that I cannot get enough of. The show airs Tuesday nights from 9-12 EST on WFMU, but you can also listen to the podcast form on iTunes.

In addition to The Best Show, Scharpling recently found his second calling in music video writing and directing. It’s been a while since I’ve been remotely interested in music videos, but his contributions to the medium for groups like Titus Andronicus, The Stepkids, The New Pornographers, The Ettes, Wild Flag and noted apocalypticist John Hodgman have awakened my love for it. Here is his most recent video for Real Estate:

and his video for The Stepkids, maker of my #1 record of 2011:

LCD Soundsystem

As someone who obsessively seeks out new music, it’s always extremely frustrating when you get stuck in one obsession and totally miss the boat on something else. “Better Late Than Never” is a phrase I’ve had to turn to all my life, like last year when I finally got around to checking out LCD Soundsystem. I was focused on indie pop/rock for so long and it was a while before I got into a lot of dance music. In the early/mid aughts I was a single sad bastard, and had little going on that warranted dancing. I loved This Is Happening, and when I dove into their other work, I was knocked off my chair. I spent a lot of 2011 listening to “Yeah (Crass Version)” and kicking myself in the ass for not jumping on the ride in 2005. “But hey, it’s cool, now I know and I’ll catch them live at – what? Last concert?” To quote Napoleon Bonaparte, “Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!” At least I’ll be able to watch this when it comes out, and it looks ridiculous:

The Who’s Live at Leeds

While Tom Scharpling has been championing the Led Zeppelin side of the English Juggernaut Coin, I’ve spent a lot of 2011 revisiting this unholy gutbucket masterpiece, whether it be the original vinyl or the 2001 deluxe rerelease with the live Tommy included (I just started tackling the 40th Anniversary Box Set with the Hull show). It’s such a guttural, violent assault that forces you to stomp your feet to the Keith Moon cacophony. The Who are one of those bands that is a completely different animal live, and much of that has to do with The Ox being turned up to 11, distorted and given the lead instrumental role. Jesus, that guy was inhuman. Listening to this record, it’s almost impossible to imagine him tearing out those lines while standing motionless with that “Keep Calm and Carry On,” bored look on his kisser that he shares with Charlie Watts. Also, besides his monumental drumming, Keith Moon is one funny sonofabitch, and his humor is all over this record.

The Bombay Connection: Funk from Bollywood Action Thrillers 1977-1984

My old boss came into the office one day with this nugget from the local library. Kids, visit your local library, and learn about other cultures’ extreme funkatility, for serious. We could not stop listening, and it has become a mainstay on my playlists. The past few years have seen quite a few extensive compilation releases of African Funk & Soul, But India will not be ignored! This collection is a treasure trove of 70s funky TV theme music and some 80s spacey electro-funk excursions. Hey Indian readers of this blog (Greetings!), is there an equivalent to Baretta-era Robert Blake over there? Because this album channels him. Also, did he end up killing anybody? I hope not! Anywho, I highly recommend you pick this release up from Bombay Connection, and check out some of their other offerings, as I know I will be in 2012.


and finally,

My Good Ladywife’s Jame Blake Impression

Much was written about young Jimmy Blake in 2011, but nobody sums up his embodiment of raw emotion quite like my Good Ladywife, a master impressionist who is said to stare into an artist’s very soul to gain his or her essence for her interpretations. See for yourself:

My Favorite Reissues of 2011

in order of release:

What’s Going On (40th Anniversary Edition) / Marvin Gaye / Motown

The Smile Sessions / The Beach Boys / Capitol Records

Satan Is Real / Louvin Brothers / Light In The Attic

Tago Mago (40th Anniversary Edition) / Can / Mute

Siamese Dream / Smashing Pumpkins / Virgin

My Favorite EPs of 2011

in order of release:

He Gets Me High / Dum Dum Girls / Sub Pop Records

Trimming of Hides / Norwegian Arms / Self-Released

Strange Cacti / Angel Olsen / Bathetic Records

Darn Your Best Frock / Moon Bounce / Self-Released

In Tension / Light Asylum / Mexican Summer

Just Once / How To Dress Well / Love Letters Ink

Atlantic / Southern Shores / Cascine

A Silent Planet / Teen Daze / Waaga Records

Freaking Out / Toro y Moi / Carpark Records

Total Decay / The Soft Moon / Captured Tracks

Tarot Classics / Surfer Blood / Kanine Records

The King Khan Experience / The King Khan Experience / Free Release

All the other records I enjoyed from 2011

in order of release:

Zonoscope / Cut Copy / Modular

Shapeshifting / Young Galaxy / Paper Bag Records

Hardcore Will Never Die, But You Will / Mogwai / Sub Pop Records

Ravedeath, 1972 / Tim Hecker / kranky

The King of Limbs / Radiohead / Self-Released

Best of Gloucester County / Danielson / Sounds Familyre

Angels Of Darkness, Demons Of Light I / Earth / Southern Lord Recordings

Desert Etiquette / Floating Action / Park the Van

Return To The Ugly Side / Malachai / Domino Recording

936 / Peaking Lights / Not Not Fun Records

Mosaik / Siriusmo / Monkeytown Records

No Color / The Dodos / Frenchkiss Records

Helioscope / Vessels / Cuckundoo Records

Mind Bokeh / Bibio / Warp

Creep On Creepin’ On / Timber Timbre / Arts & Crafts

Some Cold Rock Stuf / J.Rocc / Stones Throw Records

Mirrorwriting / Jamie Woon / Polydor

Take Care, Take Care, Take Care / Explosions In The Sky / Temporary Residence

Terra / Julian Lynch / Underwater Peoples

Helplessness Blues / Fleet Foxes / Sub Pop Records

Life Fantastic / Man Man / ANTI-/Epitaph

Past Life Martyred Saints / EMA / Red Eye

Casablanca Nights / Johan Agebjörn / Paper Bag Records

Attention Please / Boris / Sargent House

Circuital / My Morning Jacket / ATO Records

Goodbye Bread / Ty Segall / Drag City

Watch The Throne / Jay Z & Kanye West / Def Jam Recordings

Hearts / I Break Horses / I Kill Love/Bella Union

Coastal Grooves / Blood Orange / Domino Recording

Green Naugahyde / Primus / ATO Records

Wild Flag / Wild Flag / Merge

YT // ST / Yamantaka // Sonic Titan / Psychic Handshake Recordings

XXX / Danny Brown / Fool’s Gold

You’re Never Going Back / Coasting / M’lady’s Records

All Things Will Unwind / My Brightest Diamond / Asthmatic Kitty

Megafaun / Megafaun / Hometapes

The Clearing / Locrian / Fan Death Records

Humor Risk / Cass McCombs / Domino Recording

Take Care / Drake / Cash Money Records

Purple Naked Ladies / The Internet / Odd Future