FitbaThatba

Arshavin leaves Arsenal to save his international career

2012-02-27T22:23:00.001Z

Remember when Andrey Arshavin was good? He was probably one of my favourite players for about 18months. He has left Arsenal to join Zenit on loan for the rest of the season to make sure he is ready for 2012. You could have just actually tried for Arsenal you lazy c**t.

Wenger did a strange thing with Arshavin. He had one of the best number 10s in world football and continually forced him to play out wide. Some players wouldn't be that bothered and would just be delighted to play. Arshavin sulked and got fat.

Andrey found himself behind Gervinho, who has a very strange shaped head and plays like a drunken octupus and Walcott who is just a bit rubbish. Perhaps that's unfair, if he has to think about anything he confuses himself and ends up tackling himself but his finishing can be good. Chamberlain has also come through and looked superb in the short time we've seen him. This left Asrhavin on the bench and he has eaten and sulked his way out of contention.

Arshavin is from Zenit and they were the only club who actually wanted to sign him so things worked out perfectly. I fully expect him to be amazing and absolutely rip up Euro 2012, leading to thousands of gooners shouting at their televisions in unison, "why couldn't he do that for us?". Don't worry you beat Spurs, all your troubles are over. If you believe Wenger that is. He knows, remember he once won some trophies about 7 years ago.

Macheda and Nile Ranger are stupid

2012-02-27T21:56:00.000Z

Here is a message to all the young professional footballers out there. Stop using Twitter.

Frederico Macheda and Nile Ranger saw Ravel Morrison getting fined for homophobic tweets and decided that it would be a really great idea to do the same thing. Some other mannie called Manny Smith has done the same thing but he plays for Walsall so who cares?

Here is a quote from an FA spokesman who is probably not real

"The charge is that the players acted in a way which was improper and/or brought the game into disrepute.
"It is further alleged that the breach included a reference to a person's or persons' sexual orientation."

Twitter should introduce an IQ test before you are allowed to sign up. It would put most sports journalists out of work, footballers making twats of themselves on Twitter accounts for about 80% of the "news" these days and at least 90% of my posts.

I have tried to find out what they actually said but my sources (google) aren't providing any answers. I have another message for Macheda and co. It's OK to be gay guys. This is 2012, we accept you. Let's join hands and kiss under a rainbow.

AC Milan Vs Juventus: The Goal That Never Was

2012-02-27T21:45:00.001Z

English football - best league in the world innit? No need to watch any other football. Meanwhile over in Italy AC Milan played host to Juventus. They won 2-1. Or did they? They didn't.

Sulley Muntari thought he'd scored a header. He definitely did score a header. The referee seemed to signal for a goal and point towards the centre circle and Muntari started celebrating because that is what you do when you score a goal. Unless your Temuri Ketsbaia, then you strip down to your pants and kick things. The only person in the galaxy who didn't think it had crossed the line was the linesman but unfortunately he is the only person who matters.

"It didn't go in. I'm certain", are the words of Roberto Romagnoli, a man who can probably no longer visit the city of Milan. In fairness to him, you can see from that photograph that he had a really poor view. Look at all those cows and skyscrapers blocking his line of sight.

There have never been any instances of corrupt officials in Italian football so I'm sure this is a genuine mistake. Juventus have a very good reputation and certainly have never been relegated for bribing officials. The game actually finished 1-1 so at least they cheated correctly and if Muntari's goal had not been disallowed, AC Milan would have been 2-0 up and probably won the game. If my Ma had a cock, she'd be my Da.

I think we've all learnt something today.

Mario Balotelli is dropped

2012-02-27T20:04:00.001Z

Mario Balotelli has been dropped from the Italy squad because his attitude on the pitch isn't good enough, according to the BBC.

Italian manager Cesare Prandelli has left the beloved striker from his squad for Wednesday's friendly against United States because:

"I don't want players who commit reaction fouls and get sent off. He seems a little agitated to me."

Balotelli is a little ill-tempered at times but since he's the only player not as good as Lionel Messi in the world (his words) it's a little surprising that such a mercurial talent has been left out of the squad. Another way to look at it is the incredibly irrelevant nature of international friendlies and how in the last one I remember Mario was sitting playing on his iPad. If he's not being sent off, scoring goals or performing hilarious antics, he's hitting 'refresh' on Facebook in the eternal hope that something interesting actually happens to someone he knows or that maybe someone will talk to him! Oh no wait, that's me.

Darren Bent is injured

2012-02-27T19:29:00.000Z

It's that time of year when clubs depend heavily on their top players and those top players start getting injured. Darren Bent was rolling around in pain on Saturday after he made his ankle go the wrong way.

Bent's ankle injury could see him miss three months of action and this will probably end Aston Villa's title hopes this year. They were so close too. If by close you mean 'the most boring fucking team of all time'. The day that Aston Villa win the league is the day that Lego men rise and take control of the earth, and that's why I've been amassing an army of them in my house and had them worshipping me like in North Korea so that when that day happens, I'm ahead of the game. Lego men don't get ruptured ligaments, humans do. Actually now I think about it, robots don't get ruptured ligaments either and they are much more likely to rise and murder us all. I really haven't thought this through enough yet.

Rangers are fined

2012-02-27T19:12:00.000Z

Rangers have been fined £50,000 for failing to disclose that owner Craig Whyte has been previously disqualified as a director. *slow clap*

I don't know who it is at Rangers that thinks not telling HMRC things is a good idea because I'm pretty sure world famous companies are probably scrutinised ever so slightly. This isn't something small like not giving change to a homeless guy when you really do have change, or driving away after you accidentally run over someone - stuff like this actually gets you fined. I suppose adding £50,000 to an existing bill of £40something million is a bit like leaving a tip at a restaurant, but I'm just glad that we're all in agreement that driving away after knocking someone over is fine. They're probably fine.

Gerard Pique likes to Scrabble with Shakira

2012-02-27T18:57:00.000Z

According to a very football related story run by the Metro, Gerard Pique likes to play Scrabble with his girlfriend, Colombian superstar Shakira.

And thaaaaaat's about it. This is how newspapers work boys and girls: absolutely nothing is happening + celebrity + people click on links with hot girls in the thumb nail + footballer posts something on Facebook + ??? = profit.

I guess the only other way to spin this is to imagine how best Pique can fit in high scoring words to try and make things a little sexier, like placing 'fornication' down and then winking across the table, but I don't think you get question marks in Scrabble so that might not work. The other volunteers in the old folk's home didn't seem to get it anyway. They also asked a lot of questions like 'who are you' and 'how did you get in here' - jeez guys, old people like games too, you know?

Fulham sign Diarra

2012-02-27T14:54:00.000Z

Mahamadou Diarra has the name of a hindu god, and the footballing abilities befit of Fulham. I don't really know what that means.

The former Real Madrid midfielder has signed for FREE to play football for Fulham for the rest of the season, and Martin Jol's giant moon face will be delighted with the capture of an internationally known player. He will join such other international stars as Aaron Hughes, Danny Murphy, that guy that plays upfront and that other guy who is on the bench sometimes. SOCCER!

International friendlies are pointless

2012-02-27T14:49:00.001Z

Important Premier League and Cup fixtures happened all over Europe this weekend but I know you're all so bored of watching matches that mean something to people, so thankfully FIFA organised some friendlies for mid-week. Even the players don't want to watch.

Here's a picture of when I turned my friend's shoes into creatures to cheer you up, because this week we will see no Kyle Walker because he's dead........... ly serious about being injured. The right back joins Darren Bent, Wayne Rooney and Tom Cleverley on the injured list meaning that Stuart Pearce can happily just play whoever he wants. I have no idea who Scotland are even playing but I think I heard that Charlie Mulgrew is in the squad and that made me try to drown myself in the sink. That's how much I care about that.

England are playing Holland, van Persie will probably get injured, some other important players for Premiership clubs will also get wee knocks and suffer jet lag from fannying about in airports between playing 60 minutes of a game that absolutely no-one can get excited about. Having friendlies as practise for real international tournaments is like telling a virgin to try shagging the sleeve of his jacket as practise for real life sex. When the actual event comes he's still going to put his balls in the wrong goal and jizz all over his own pants. But at least I tried! Trying counts, doesn't it?

Arsenal make money

2012-02-27T14:38:00.000Z

Arsenal reported a massive rise in profits today, making over £49.5million in the last 6 months. Now I'm no financial expert but I think that might be because they sold two of their best players. BUSINESS!

The news is added music to Arsene Wenger's ears after their crushing 5-2 victory against arch rivals Spurs on Sunday. Arsenal's cash reserves now sit at about £115million which means everyone is going out to TGI Friday's for a party. I assume the staff parties are exactly the same for footballers, where all the young people try and fuck each other, the management try not to let loose but eventually end up in the casino and the needy ones take photos of everyone to hang in their room so it looks they have loads of friends. It's not weird if you ask them first! I should probably take them down actually.

Don't like your president? Throw a grenade

2012-02-26T19:50:00.001Z

They take football rather seriously in Serbia. When Aberdeen manager Craig Brown sold one of our best young players, I sent an amusing tweet. Former Red Star Belgrade President Dragan Stojkovic sold a few players so someone threw a grenade at his house.

Back in 2007, Dragan was the President of legendary club Red Star Belgrade. In order to keep the club afloat, he had to sell a few of the club's best players. The fans weren't exactly happy. It didn't matter that he had won the league and cup double for two seasons in a row before this, or the fact that he is considered their best ever player.

Last month he was having a nice drink in the Red Star cafe, when several fans physically ejected him and told him he could never go back to either the cafe or to Red Star's stadium. They didn't feel they had made their point clear enough so a group of men went to his house and thew a hand grenade into his garden. It exploded and created a huge crater but luckily he wasn't hurt. Only his Mum was in at the time but she just thought Dragan was playing Call of Duty again.

Stojkovic himsef is not convinced that the grenade was meant for him. I think he's probably delusional, I'm certainly no expert of the Serbian town of Nis but I'm pretty sure that it's not common place to throw hand grenades at each other. If it is, then that is great banter. Get the blue WKDs in.

Liverpool win FA Cup shield

2012-02-26T19:23:00.001Z

I'm writing this in between vomiting into a bucket at the sight of Liverpool players kissing the Carling Cup, with "never walk alone" playing in the background.. They beat Cardiff 1-0 on penalties.

I was hoping for the hilarity of last years final, when Birmingham beat Arsenal. For a while I dared to dream, when Cardiff went 1-0 up through a stone-mason or a builder. Or maybe his name was Mason? I'd never heard of him before but he nutmegged Reina to put Cardiff 1-0 up. Liverpool had about 100 corners and managed to score from one of them, thanks to the evil alien emperor known as Skrtel.

Holland's number one Sloth (from The Goonies) impersonator Dirk Kuyt, came off the bench to score in extra time to put Liverpool 2-1 up. At this point, Cardiff's players were so tired they could hardly move, let alone play football. Somehow they managed to get a goal right at the death to force the game into penalties. The penalties much like the game, were a complete shambles. Gerrard's was saved, Miller hit the post, I think Adam's penalty actually left our atmosphere. Cardiff's Gerrard missed the penalty that mattered and Liverpool won 3-2.

Don't let BBC fool you into thinking this game was good. It wasn't. BBC have about 5 live games a year. They think if they say "what a great game" enough times, eventually we will agree. This game was awful, which is fitting for the Carling Cup. Cardiff did absolutely fuck all and Liverpool slightly more. Unfortunately when Liverpool play Carroll, they forget about that space on the pitch between their midfield and the strikers. Rather than keep the ball, they sought to seek out the forehead of the pony-tailed grease-ball from every conceivable position on the pitch.

It's easier to write when I'm annoyed. I ensured this happened by choosing to watch the game on the BBC, rather than Sky. Listening to Mark Lawrenson's co-commentating and Hansen's analysis is enough to enrage even the most amiable of folks. I'm sure even the Dalai Lama was at home screaming obscenities at the television and wishing death upon his cat, who just so happened to start meowing and rubbing against his legs as the first penalty was taken.

Arsenal destroy Spurs

2012-02-26T18:51:00.003Z

Today was the North London derby. Before the game most of us expected Arsenal to scrape a draw, if they were lucky. Things didn't exactly pan out that way.

Things looked ominous in the early stages of the game and Arsenal's defending was absolutely hopeless. They decided that the best way to defend against a counter-attacking team was to have a defensive line that was just about at the half-way line. Louis Saha opened the scoring with a hilarious, deflected effort that looped up over the keeper, Gareth Bale proved once again that it's not just those foreign types that cheat, by clearly diving to win a penalty and Arsenal favourite Adebayor dispatched his penalty expertly to make everyone think "this is going to be embarrassing."

We were right, except it wasn't Arsenal who were embarrassed. Fuck knows what happened to Spurs after they went 2-0 up - they seemed to completely stop playing and Arsenal managed to get it back to 2-2 before half-time. In the second half Spurs put up about as much defense as the French did in World War Two and Arsenal completely tore them apart, letting even Theo Walcott score twice. Rosicky scored his first goal in about 10 years, Sagna showed off the world's stupidest hairstyle with a headed goal and Robin Van Persie got his token goal. It finished Arsenal 5-2 Spurs. Ridiculous. There is absolutely no order to those goal scorers.

Arsenal notched up their 5th in the 68th minute. The game was completely dead and buried and we were treated to 20 minutes of "ole"s - perhaps the most irritating thing in football after Geoff Shreeves. Will this kick-start Arsenal's season and have them end up finishing 3rd? Perhaps Spurs will have a meltdown and Harry Redknapp will leave early for England? I'm not reading too much into this since games between the top 6 this year have been a total nonsense. Next weekend sees Spurs host Manchester United at White Hart Lane. I expect 20 goals, three sendings off, two foxes, one badger and a naked Keith Chegwin performing at half-time.

Neil Lennon is surprised

2012-02-26T16:18:00.003Z

Punchable jerk face Neil Lennon has said that he is very surprised that Gary Hooper has been omitted from Stuart Pearce's England squad. His job is football.

The Celtic striker and his on loan team-mate Fraser Forster have helped their team win the league this year with a minimum of effort and Lennon is shocked that they aren't even mentioned in the same breath as players like Wayne Rooney and Joe Hart:

"They talk about good young English players," said a disappointed Lennon.
"Well, there's two who have been playing at a very high level for two years and playing very well." (BBC Football)

Has he ever actually seen real football before? I could knock out one of those pandas in Edinburgh zoo with a steel chair, smuggle it out of captivity, attach it to a remote control car and control it during SPL matches and it would still score more goals than the entire league put together if it played for Celtic. There's no challenge in scoring goals in the SPL - it's like hiring a prostitute to 'hang out' with you and then magically 'getting lucky' in the same night. And my 10 kill streak on COD last night was more than getting lucky, if you know what I mean. She didn't seem quite as excited about that as I was.

I'm so lonely.

Frank Lampard doesn't like AVB

2012-02-26T16:11:00.000Z

Frank Lampard revealed that he and manager Andre Villas-Boas maybe don't get on very well. He also reminded us that the sky is blue, Mila Kunis is hot and white middle class people are terrified of sitting near to brown people on aeroplanes incase they have to stop them from blowing up the plane.

In between trying to fit as many pies into his mouth as his human jaw would allow, Frank Lampard found the time to tell the BBC:

"I think, from the outside, you can probably see that it's not been ideal but the important thing is not to focus on individual relationships too much.
"It can only be negative and people do like to play on negatives."

Once he'd swallowed the food he said "know what I mean?" and gestured his hand towards his mouth and poked out his cheek with his tongue as if to simulate a sexual act. The problem with this is that he wasn't actually dissing AVB at the time, he just really wanted the sausage roll I was carrying and didn't want to ask for it because that would make him look fat. Life can be difficult sometimes.

Arsenal 5 - 2 Tottenham Lolspurs

2012-02-26T16:00:00.002Z

Harry Redknapp continued his covert operation to not be offered the England job by allowing his Spurs team to surrender and be buggered by Arsenal in Sunday's North London derby.

The fun and games began when Louis Saha pinged a shot off the Arsenal defence and past Chesney Hawkes, making everyone watching the game shift in their seats a little and collectively think 'hmmm... so this is one of those games'. Gareth Bale performed a spectacular dive to cheat his side a penalty and Emmanuel Adebayor put the ball between those big white stick things, registering a score on the battle sheet, sponsored by Budweiser.

I, and most of you, instantly assumed this was going to turn into one of those very funny Arsenal capitulations but we had no idea what was to come. So then what happened is Arsenal started remembering that they are very good at football and their space alien right back, Bacary Sagna, scored a "bullet header", setting the way for Robin van Persie to then equalise minutes before half time.

After the break, Tomas Rosicky scored his first goal in 85 years by running in a straight line until someone crossed the ball off his foot and Theo Walcott conspired to troll every football fan on internet land who had written him off forever prior to this game, by scoring two fine goals. It would appear that the more abuse he gets, the stronger he grows - like an abused house wife or power ranger.

All in all you'll be pleased to know that I actually haven't seen the game other than the bit where Gareth Bale practised for the oscars tonight, and the bit where Rosicky scored, so I don't really that much more about it. This is the part where I'd normally put in a joke.

Tom Cleverley might be injured again

2012-02-24T22:43:00.002Z

Manchester United midfielder Tom Cleverley has had another scan on another part of his body after being taken off during his club's narrow 3-2 aggregate victory over Ajax in the Eurovision Song Contest this week.

Injury has prevented Tom Cleverley from playing in all but 9 games this year for the Old Trafford outfit but don't let that stop England managers from deciding that he's definitely ready to be capped. Rumours that Cleverly could actually die are terrifying and have been dismissed by Alex Ferguson who said:

"He got a knock. We sent him for a scan but we don't think it's serious,"

Oooohhh sounds like someone isn't telling us something, like when my parents told me they'd given my dog away but then I found out that they'd actually had him put down because he was dangerous. I was very sad because I really wanted to eat that dog.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic runs over reporter, releases own iPad app

2012-02-24T22:38:00.001Z

Zlatan Ibrahimovic has been busy this week, finding time to knock Arsenal out of the Champions League, release his own interactive auto-biography app and even run over a pesky woman reporter. Get back in the kitchen, Susan!

At times he looks like Christian Bale playing a jew, at others like a waiter that tries to bang your girlfriend while you are both on holiday, but at all times, Ibrahimovic is awesome. Our friends at Dirty Tackle! quoted the Swedish striker as saying "Remember, there's only one Zlatan and this is Zlatan and this is my story" since that is what he actually said as part of the introduction to 'I am Zlatan', the new 'interactive' iPad app.

Whilst imagining what the Euro 2012 odds might be for him to win the tournament as his own country instead of those annoying guys in Sweden who keep trying to tag along, the skilful wizard ran over a female reporter. His audi collided with the journalist as he exited training, because 'Bitch get out the way' and she has to decided to sue him. There is a video of the incident but it's really boring and you can't really see anything. Also I'm pretty sure all the people speaking in it are doing so in Italian and that just makes me want to order pizza, or fight alongside the Nazis. POLITICAL!

Carlos Tevez says sorry

2012-02-24T22:23:00.001Z

I think we missed this one a little bit but Carlos Tevez actually apologised the other day for all his recent behaviour. He definitely means it and in no way wants to hang out with his friends, like when you have to apologise to your sister for hitting her so that you're allowed to watch Thunderbirds.

The apology clears the way for Roberto Mancini to finally play the troubled Argentinian in Man City's remaining fixtures, which is probably a good idea seeing as Manchester United normally start trying at this time of year. The Italian manager actually called Tevez to his house and explained that by simply apologising to the club, fans and players he would be accepted back in the family and wouldn't have to live in the shed anymore.

Carlos is said to have had mixed feelings about this because he'd been eating a creature he found there for a little while now and wanted to finish it off before it went bad, but also thought that playing football might be a good idea. "You can buy many more creatures to eat with money later, Carlos" explained his manager, and so that probably explains why I saw Tevez chasing Theo Walcott towards the sea earlier.

Look, it's friday night and I'm typing this stuff up, you can't expect Shakespeare every time.

Manchester United fanzine owners are relieved

2012-02-24T22:09:00.001Z

Before that famous 'no handshake' game between Man Utd and Liverpool a few weeks ago, The Reds Issue earned themselves a whole bunch of publicity by distributing these things you are about to look at below.

There are no safer test subjects for controversial jokes than that of the forgiving football crowd - what could possibly have gone wrong? Their brains are like giant forgiving sponges, filled to the brim with knowledge and the power of reasoning. The copies of the fanzine were all confiscated because they were 'potentially offensive' and thankfully for the owners of the publication, no charges have been pressed.

This whole thing already seems like it happened about eight years. Maybe the lines between Football Manager and real life are blurring again like used to happen when I was about 18 and played that game. I'd get to the year 20something and suddenly realise that I couldn't work out which players existed on earth and which were in my saved game. It's a bit like Fernando Torres' own brain.

Andrei Arshavin also moves to Russia

2012-02-24T21:55:00.001Z

Russian sub Andrei Arshavin has finally decided to go back to Russia where people might actually want to see him play football. It's only a loan, but Zenit St Petersburg are the team set to accommodate the forward for the near future.

Arshavin hasn't been good for years now and the only reason any of us think he actually was is due to the three games he played quuuuite well in during Euro 2008. It's like watching the new Star Wars movies, or Simpsons episodes after the 10th season, based solely on how good they used to be. I guess most people just go and do these things anyway, so we should probably add yo momma to that list. ZING!

Chris Samba moves to Russia

2012-02-24T21:04:00.001Z

Chris Samba has moved to Russia. Try and take a guess what club it was after I tell you that money was probably involved.

Did you get it? Well done. Anzhi Makhachkala have lured the defender with an offer of 40 billion rupees a week, or whatever it is people use in Russia, and the last laugh is on Chris Samba because this actually only works out at like £90,000. I'm joking, I actually have no idea how much he's getting paid but rest assured and happy that it's more than you will ever earn in your entire life. Happy Friday!

Ghana players use witchcraft

2012-02-24T20:45:00.001Z

Ghana coach Goran Stevanovic has revealed that his team have deep personal splits between players because too many of them killed each other on warcraft, or cast spells or something.

So it turns out that the cat in Sabrina was actually a real jerk and has been causing rifts in the Ghana squad in his spare time. "Why would Salem do that?" I hear you ask, but I can't answer because I don't know. I didn't attend that part of witch school. What I do know is that some un-named players have been casting spells on each other like 'Invisibility Cloak' or I dunno.... 'Bad at penalties' but the sad part is that if they didn't believe the spells to be true, they'd be invulnerable to them. Fools!

Sarfo Gyami, who once played for Ghana apparently, told the BBC:

"It has always happened, but players have used it to protect themselves and normally in search of luck,"
"I have never heard of a situation when players have used it against their own colleagues. That is a very bad situation.

Shit, son! In a leaked report, Stevanovic revealed:

"We all need to help in changing some players' mentality about using 'black power' to destroy themselves, and also make sure we instil discipline and respect for each other,"

I'm not sure if someone has mistaken 'witchcraft' for 'black power' there because I assure you if you went to themed party for either they would be very different. You definitely don't want to confuse those.

Rangers fans are trying

2012-02-24T20:34:00.001Z

Remember that time that Rangers didn't pay their tax and then the club almost got shut down? It's still happening! Ceeeeeeeeelebrate good times, come on. But if you want to party with us you first have to fill out a form on fan site 'www.saverangers.com'

Some optimistic supporters on the evil side of football have decided to try and rebuild the secret lair that lies deep within Glasgow's walls by offering fans the chance to pledge money to Rangers' cause without any actual commitment, forgoing the fact that the only people who support Rangers either spent all their money on tracksuits or they live in a dimension of hell where it doesn't count. From the site:

This site will be used to measure the level of financial support fans would be willing to invest in the club should the time arise.

I'm pretty sure once they get past the 1000s of pretend pledges from people like 'Craig Whyte' and most of my friends, they will decide not to proceed with this idea since 'Irn Bru' and 'Fighting' don't count as currency.

Thierry Henry wants to sleep with the fishes, see?

2012-02-24T14:22:00.000Z

Thierry Henry has hired a New York gang from the prohibition era to install a 40-foot fish tank in his London because he fucking can. He's Thierry Henry, what else do you need to ask you jabroni?

I think you know you've started to get a little bit old when the first thing you think is 'WOW A MASSIVE FISH TANK' followed by 'I bet that would take ages to clean. I should probably hire someone to do that' and then you realise that actually you're not even getting a fish tank at all. What the fuck is going on here? You can't just come over here, tell me I'm getting a 40 foot fish tank and then take it away. What is this? Going around showing off your massive house with your giant fish tank.

Seriously how would you clean that? You'd have to get a diver to live in the tank but as another fish. Dress him up like a giant clown fish and pretend he's not cleaning stuff. Maybe after time they could communicate with the aquatic creatures, but then like George Bush said, one day I believe man and fish can co-exist peacefully. When will the war end?