FitbaThatba

Harry Redknapp has no shame

2013-05-22T10:46:00.003+01:00

Harry Redknapp may appear like he's very loyal to lots of clubs until he gets bored/offered more money somewhere else but he can't be arsed hanging out with all the dicks in QPR at all. I don't blame him really.

Harry has said that he may actually abandon QPR unless he is allowed to sign even more players:

"I don't need to come to work every day and have that aggravation. I want to get a group in willing to come, learn and take a bit of pride in what they do. Hopefully I have support from the board and we have to see what players we can find."

What the fuck was Mark Hughes even doing at that place?! This is the equivalent of giving him a cow to go to market and then instead of even coming home with magic beans he brings back a half used battery, broken lawn mower and Shaun Wright-Philips

Wayne Rooney is a conspiracy

2013-05-22T10:34:00.000+01:00

Wayne Rooney is outraged that people have suggested he asked for a transfer away from Man United, eloquently stating that he "never said them things". Here's the video I made about him

Wayne recently gave birth to another son, who he named after one of his favourite things to eat. Klay Rooney will join other children in the 'stupid names that haunt children forever' club with the benefit of being Wayne Rooney's son being that not only are you rich, but also he will eat anyone that bullies you.

Rooney snr however feels like he's being bullied out of Old Trafford and tbf it might be that SAF knew David Moyes was taking over months ago and so started slyly managing him out of the club, so he might have a point. But if he stopped asking for transfers to other clubs this would probably stop. It was like how I learned the best way not to have to keep going to court was to stop hanging outside my girlfriend's house at night. I'm always one step ahead. Or in this case about 20 steps behind. I'm pretty sure she hasn't noticed me yet

Mario Gotze might be injured

2013-05-22T10:21:00.001+01:00

Borussia Dortmund and Bayern Munich are set to battle to death in London this Saturday to try to win the Champions League final but double agent Gotze might not make it!

The recent Bayern capture is one of Dormund's most important players if they do actually want to win on Saturday but in training yesterday he had to pull out because he had pain in his upper leg.

That's what she said

How convenient that he befalls this kind of injury so close to the match that his new club is absolutely desperate to win. Perhaps Bayern just really listen to his ideas in a way that Dortmund never did

Or maybe he's injured. ONLY TIME WILL TELL

Man City + New York Yankees = New York City FC

2013-05-22T10:14:00.001+01:00

New York soccer fans rejoice for you have a brand new team to support that isn't sponsored by Red Bull. It's sponsored by money instead

Baseball team, The Yankees, and football team, Man City, now share a franchise in Manhattan which means you have another reason to go to that part of the world as if the fact that it's awesome wasn't enough. I would literally kill to be allowed to live in New York City which unfortunately is the exact reason I'm not allowed to. Next time I think I won't tell them that at immigration. Or at least I won't wear my hockey mask and mime a chainsaw at the same time again

Alan Pardew is having a chat

2013-05-22T10:04:00.002+01:00

Alan Pardew is 'pretty confident' that isn't going to be fired for being terrible at his job and blaming everyone but himself for Newcastle's abject failures this year. He's going for a chat with Mike Ashley

After Sunday's 1-0 defeat against Arsenal, the manager said:

"I'm pretty confident I'll be the manager here. I love being the manager,"

"I will be speaking to Mike [Ashley, owner] and Derek [Llambias, managing director] this week to make sure we get a response and a reaction."

The problem in this scenario is that Pardew has about another 8 years left on his contract and can't really be fired. This would be great if he'd had his team performing anything like they did last season but they had the creative output of the explanation of infinite. If you put infinite monkeys with infinite typewriters eventually they will write the entire works of shakespeare, but sadly if you put a bunch of French players and Shola Ameobi on a football pitch together eventually they might try a through ball.

Arsenal have nearly signed Yaya Sanogo

2013-05-22T09:57:00.003+01:00

Arsene Wenger has almost completed the free transfer of Yaya Sanogo, one of the secret players that becomes amazing in FM12. Also he wants to waste the rest of his money Jovetic.

Sanogo has scored 10 in 19 appearances for Auxerre and has signed a pre-contract agreement to join Arsenal as of this summer. The 20 year old also has 18 in 18 for France under-21s so his real life stats kinda match his FM persona but I'm kinda annoyed because now everyone is going to be like 'oh Yaya Sanogo is so cool' when I thought he was cool way before they did. This is Kings of Leon all over again.

David Moyes has new friends

2013-05-22T09:52:00.001+01:00

New Manchester United manager David Moyes had his first day at school on Monday and he met his new staff so he could decide which ones he wanted to keep and which to get rid off. Like pogs.

I haven't checked what the odds on Man United to win the Premier League are with a new boss but I can't expect they're going to be any worse than when SAF was in charge. David Moyes looks absolutely mental so if United don't end up winning something, someone is getting booted in the face. I bet when he walks into the canteen and looks for a place to sit rather than having to find a table on his own he just sits next to a group and tells them to shut up and then starts taking things from their plate, then tells them an anecdote about that time he slammed this guy's head in his car door outside Tesco. If fear doesn't inspire them, nothing will. Except maybe haribo

Tony Pulis leaves Stoke City

2013-05-21T14:56:00.002+01:00

I stole this headline directly from Sky Sports News. Tony Pulis has left Stoke City, which I cannot figure out if it's a shock or not. Stoke were unbelievably fucking boring last season. It's easy to make fun of Stoke and say they only score from set pieces and throw-ins, but last season it really did seem that they were becoming a parody of themselves.

Pulis deserves credit for getting Stoke into the Premier League and keeping them there, he also got them into the FA Cup Final and the Europa League. Unfortunately all his good work was undone by dressing like a chav and always wearing a cap. Almost all of us would agree that Pulis had taken Stoke as far as his managerial skills and finances would allow. Rory Delap is devastated, he's managed to survive the last few years in the Premier League purely on the fact that he can throw a ball really far.

As it customary at Stoke, his departure will be celebrated by various japes. Jermaine Pennant has written goodbye on Tony's car using his own feces. Charlie Adam has stuffed his locker with dead badgers and Ryan Shawcross has set fire to his office - what a great bunch of lads.

Fans gets angry, throws false teeth

2013-05-21T14:45:00.001+01:00

What's the angriest you've ever been at football? Have you ever thrown a pie? A coin? Your false teeth? What?

That isn't a screengrab from a Big Train sketch, that really is a fans falsers. As you can see from the picture, Argentinos Juniors were losing 3-1 to Belgrano. One fan was especially annoyed and threw his false teeth at the manager- which is really gross. I guess sometimes shouting, swearing and flares just aren't enough.

I was once threatened with being arrested by an overzealous policeman, for giving the middle finger to a Rangers' supporters bus- but I cannot say that I've ever been angry enough to throw an inanimate object. "I hate you so much, let me find something to throw at you."

Di Canio hates everyone. They hate him back

2013-05-21T14:26:00.002+01:00

It seems a long time ago that Sunderland hammered Newcastle and everyone was really excited about Di Canio. Jump forward a few weeks and he's fallen out with pretty much everyone at the club.

That's a picture of Phil Bardsley being a bellend. To celebrate not being shit enough to get relegated, he and a couple of team-mates went to the casino and took photos of themselves covered in £50 notes. Di Canio found out and arranged a fitness test for first thing the next morning. Bardsley says he was not drunk and I for one definitely believe him. He fucked up his fitness test and Di Canio said he would never play for Sunderland again, and they all lived happily ever after.

Except Bardsley's girlfriend who went on Twitter and called Di Canio a "psycho drama queen". It's reported that he's banned tomato ketchup and sugar from the club's canteen to try and get the players in better shape. This has upset David Vaughan who really likes ketchup and sugar to accompany his diet of rats and squirrels.

Despite his facist beliefs, I'm supporting Paolo here. The majority of footballers are assholes, and it's good to see someone putting them in their place. Plus you know if anyone did stand up to him, he would beat the shit out of them. He's only a few bad results away from starting himself up front, and that's what everyone wants to see.

Joao Moutinho to Spurs: it begins

2013-05-20T17:17:00.001+01:00

There are some transfer rumours that are exciting and made up, but there are others which boring the living tits off of everyone in the world. The Joao Moutinho one has started again. Already.

AVB has been so sad without his best friend Joao and now that the Premier League season has been finished for about 24 hours, the newspapers have decided to start linking everyone with everyone again. The Andy Carroll saga is going to be horrendous, the Ronaldo stuff might be OK and I've heard that Moutinho is meant to be pretty good but stories like this from The Sun are going to break the internet:

JOAO MOUTINHO is the first target in Andre Villas-Boas’ summer revolution at Spurs.

The Porto midfielder, 26, almost joined Tottenham at the start of the season before his move collapsed.

Spurs boss AVB worked with Moutinho in Portugal and wants to make him a key player.

But a deal would cost at least £30million and Monaco are also considering a bid.

I don't really understand how the internet works but if any asshole is allowed to just post rambling mentions of footballers he knows about, then we're going to run out of space for videos of cats playing the piano. And that is the greatest crime of all.

After genocide. And gang rape.

Ancelotti wants to leave PSG

2013-05-20T17:08:00.002+01:00

Carlos Ancelotti has told PSG chiefs that he wants to leave because Real Madrid seems nice instead. They have said no way jose, which was silly because his name is Carlo.

The Italian won Ligue 1 this year with the French outfit but will have to watch the Champions League Final as a spectator after his side were knocked out by.... someone. I forget who. All I know is that I really like Zlatan

TBH I mostly just pretend to watch football. Half of the stories I write about I've only actually read the headline and then made up what's happened while I type it. Like in this case I assume he's asked to leave because he wants to manage Real Madrid but it could be because he wants to write the great American novel. His is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. He calls it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."

See? Even my jokes are cut and paste. It's all been a facade! Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can keep writing the same jokes about footballers but then I proof read articles like this and realise that baby, I've got too much talent not to. Some people phone me up sometimes and say "JJ you are so fucking talented" and I'm just like "uhhhhh I know that. But thanks for telling me anyway. Have a biscuit" and then I punch the next woman or child I see on the street. I'm like a modern Dickins or Hemingway

The Gothenburg Greats in 8bit

2013-05-20T16:44:00.001+01:00

Our friends over at 8Bit Football very kindly created this image of some of the heros behind the legendary '83 Aberdeen team. It's made me very aroused

You can buy t-shirts and prints that they do from lots of different teams, even from some players who play in actually relevant leagues like the English one, but since it was recently the 30th of anniversary of when the mighty Dons triumphed over Real Madrid, I thought it relevant to share this with you. That's it really.

Oh in other news Conor Flynn won our Fantasy Football League that I forgot we were doing. Jack tends to do those things. I get excited for about the first week until I'm not top of the table and then I spend hours hitting refresh on Facebook because MY LIFE IS SO EXCITING

Congratulations Conor. We'll send you a t-shirt for free

Raheem Sterling is free

2013-05-20T16:23:00.000+01:00

Forgotten Liverpool star, Raheem Sterling, had an enjoyable day to court as the assault charges against him were dismissed because there is no evidence of it at all.

The Jamaican born, 18 year old, father-of-one was having a lovely sit down in a car outside the court with David Brenton Rodgers when a judge decided to dismiss the case because the witnesses didn't turn up. This means that Sterling won't have to answer charges that he attacked a 27 year old woman and can go about his life without the fear of jail. Although now that he lives in Liverpool that probably wouldn't actually be a bad thing. Almost anyone I ever meet from Liverpool either wants to sell me drugs, fight me or is in the Beatles. Sometimes all of those.

Paolo Di Canio hates asshole footballers

2013-05-20T16:13:00.001+01:00

Paolo Di Canio went fairly tits this weekend over the overpaid ballbags he has to work with at Sunderland. In particular he extra hates Phil Bardsley who "didn't" get pissed in a casino and took photos of himself lying on the floor.

Di Canio left Bardsley out of the squad for the game against Spurs on Sunday and also went on a rant where he revealed every other player he's fined recently for having the audacity of trying to vaguely enjoy the lifestyle that one associates with being a footballer. According to him they should be athletic robots:

If I discovered one of my players had drunk not on a Friday but even a Monday night, I would fine him.

'If you are talking about a glass of red wine during dinner with family on a Monday night or Tuesday night, that’s good because we know red wine is good for the heart.

'But forget about alcohol on Thursday or Friday. I don’t think this team have this habit – I hope not!
This is my regime. Obviously, with little things, you can close one eye because good footballers are important.'

On one hand this makes a lot of sense, because if your job is to be an extremely fit athlete, getting drunk is not particularly conducive to it. It is conducive to building forts out of household items, setting fire to things you probably shouldn't and talking to random girls in an effort to make them have sex with you. Maybe if I tried doing those things in a different order I wouldn't keep being rejected or accidentally murdering prostitutes I mean uhhhhh I don't drink

Arsenal might force G Bale to leave

2013-05-20T16:08:00.001+01:00

It's finally happened! The season is at a close and despite achieving a record amount of Premier League points, Spurs still aren't in the Champions League. THINK OF THE BALE! IT'S ALL ABOUT THE BALE

Arsenal celebrated finishing 4th as if they didn't even realise that this isn't really a great thing and even a thunderstrike from G Bale against Sunderland couldn't prevent the party. Newcastle's inability to be good meant that Arsene Wenger has now secured Champions League football for 17 years in a row, and out of those 17 they have won the prestigious tournament exactly zero times because Wenger insists on buying players like Eboue and Flamini. So boring.

Luckily for Spurs they now get to play teams that you are annoyed you have to use when you play the FIFA drinking game, from countries that you aren't exactly sure where they are, on Thursdays. Thursday is the worst night. Nothing ever happens, you have to watch Channel 5 and you can't even get pissed because you have work the next day. What else are you supposed to do? Oh sure, read a book. Why don't you just phone my Dad and tell him I'm gay?

Kenwyne Jones is angry :scared:

2013-05-18T16:32:00.000+01:00

Do you remember earlier when I wrote about Michael Owen's car being vandalised by some banteriffic bellends at Stoke? Well now the club are investigating claims that someone put a pig's head in Kenwyne Jones' locker and he is piiiiiiissed.

There are a few people in the world I try to avoid annoying through fear of repercussion: gangs of youths, people carrying Farmfoods bags, homeless, and anyone who looks anything like Kenwyne Jones. Not so for the assholes at Stoke, because some chump put an actual pig's head in his locker, leaving blood and general grossness behind. Kenwyne responded as any polite gentleman would, by throwing a brick through Glenn Whelan's windshield.

I don't even know who Glenn Whelan is. I'm not sure Kenwyne does either but HELLLL mother fucka, somebody gotta pay!

Tony Pulis said:

"We have a smashing dressing room, and there are four or five lads who are always up to something," he said. "There is always banter going on.

"I honestly don't know what's gone on this morning, I've missed all of what's happened. I try to stay away from the home dressing room as much as I possibly can. I let the lads get on with it.

Urgghhghgghgh just look at what a repulsive ball sack he is. He not only refers to the players as 'lads' but also confirms that they 'have banter'. Great banter, mate. Now you've got a giant Kenwyne Jones shaped Godzilla walking around Stoke throwing bricks through cars and breathing fire, I hope you're pleased

Roberto Mancini is classy as fuck

2013-05-18T16:17:00.000+01:00

Fired Manchester City manager bought an advert in the Manchester Evening News with his own money to thank the fans. What a guy.

Despite winning the league, the FA Cup and finishing 2nd in both the next year, Mancini's Euro failures seem to have secured his fate as Man City look to a new manager to take the club forward. At the moment they're looking really hard at that Pellegrini guy, if any newspaper in the world is anything to go by. Alex Ferguson thinks the decision is bullshit:

"It was quite amazing. He has won the FA Cup, been in the final, second in the league and won the league and it's not good enough?" he said.

"I was surprised, but actually no, you can't say you are surprised not with some owners today. You can't be surprised, but I still don't think it was right."

Other than his complete failure in Europe, it appears that almost every single person at the club hated Mancini because he was a self centred jerk. This general feeling towards the manager has only really come from an ex-kit man, and if your job is to simply wash dirty, used football jerseys once a week and you get fired from that, you probably aren't very good at life. So I wouldn't believe anything he says. Although this pyramid scheme he told me about seems like a really good idea. I don't see how any one can miss out! Better get in early ;)

David Beckham might buy a club

2013-05-18T16:11:00.002+01:00

Almost retired David Beckham is going to invest all of his underpants cash in a new MLS club because he cleverly had a clause inserted in his contract which made that an easy thing to do.

The former England captain will exercise his contractual right to buy a club for £16million, which is apparently a lot less than normal humans are expected to pay. He said:

"I have the right to own a franchise, which I will action immediately after I stop playing."

The MLS has 19 teams at the moment but Man City's owners are going to make another New York one, which kinda only leaves Miami/Florida without a real soccer team. He could of course move to any part of America but Miami would be nice, because according to a song I heard, Will Smith lives there and they could be friends. Or maybe even lovers. Is it gay if I want to shag Will Smith? Only time will tell

Michael Owen's car is vandalised

2013-05-18T16:05:00.004+01:00

Stoke City are a club full of utter clowns and when Michael Owen is the player I like most in a team, it means the team is full of utter clowns. Clowns that flour and egg someone's car.

Yes those loveable scamps at Stoke decided to honour the former England international's retirement by 'hilariously' throwing eggs and flour all over his car. There is no part of this I find funny. I fucking hate Stoke and cannot wait for them to be relegated to space jail. Michael Owen may be egotistical and annoying, but at least he was once a great player and seems to enjoy the game - why he moved to Stoke I will never understand because he doesn't seem like 'ONE OF THE LADS EH' and everyone else does. Tony Pulis' idea of a wine and cheese night is babybel and a vodka lemonade while he punches his dog in the face.

I haven't seen any quotes from Michael Owen about his car, but after he saw the mess he got in it and drove away in disgust, until about 40 yards down the road when the car pulled up with a hamstring injury.

The FA are super cereal about racism

2013-05-16T18:59:00.004+01:00

Thousands of years after racism started, the FA have declared they are to bring in a minimum five game ban for doing a racism. It's taken a while.

Maybe one day racism will be eradicated, like smallpox. Until then, thank goodness we have organisations such as the Football Association to keep order. After royally fucking up the Luis Saurez and John Terry situations, they thought they should probably make some rules. Under the new plans, if a player is to commit one racism, he will receive a 5-game ban. If he is to commit a second, it's a 10-game ban and if there is a third case, then you are locked in a room with Jamie Redknapp and forced to listen to him talk about Liverpool for three days.

£4m has been invested into making a racism detector, which apparently can detect a racist remark from up to three miles away whilst it's still in the perpetrator's brain. Clubs can now be charged if two of their players make discriminatory remarks against ethnic origin, religion, race, colour, sexual orientation, ability, disability and even Titus Bramble. The times they are a-changin'.

Spurs VS One Direction

2013-05-16T18:42:00.000+01:00

Somewhere in crazy celebrity land, football and pop music collided and shit got real.

Apparently this guy is in One Direction, he's not Harry Styles so nobody cares. Liam Payne is his name, or should I say Liam PAIN - yeah, that's right. Whilst drinking in Mayfair's Budha bar, Liam noticed some jabronis giving abuse to a waitress. After a closer look, it turned out that those jabronis were Aaron Lennon, Kyle Walker, Tom Huddlestone and Jake Livermore. As is normal in groups of assholes, the smallest one was the loudest, the ring-leader as it were. Apparently Aaron Lennon was making fun of a waitress, when things went too far, Liam said "enough is enough!"

He's actually quoted as saying "what the fuck is going on!", then squared up to Aaron Lennon. Tom Huddlestone only came out of hibernation recently, and like all bears at this time of year he was hungry and grumpy. Luckily Liam's friends calmed him down before Huddlestone gave him a haymaker and devoured his lifeless carcass. We will call this one a draw. Next week it's Harry Styles Vs Gareth Bale.

David Beckham is retired

2013-05-16T16:12:00.002+01:00

Sexy pants wearer, David Beckham, has announced that he will finally retire from football at the end of the season. NOOOOOOOOOOO

Now 38, Beckham blasted on to the world scene when he lobbed Neil Sullivan from about 60something yards in an early 1996/97 season win against Wimbledon. That's how long he's been super famous for: Wimbledon were a still a thing. In later years he won league titles, Spice Girls, FA Cups and death threats, lovingly sent in by English people who were annoyed that their shitty team didn't beat Argentina in a world cup.

Beckham has decided to end his career after winning Ligue 1 with PSG, the MLS with LA Galaxy, La Liga with Real Madrid and the Premiership with Man United. But his greatest achievement? He won our hearts. And also he got to bang a lot of sluts. Then he married posh spice. Would I do her still? Probably. Angelina Jolie? I'm not sure. She'd have to get me pretty drunk now, which I guess is easy so yeh I probably would.

Loic Remy is arrested

2013-05-15T23:56:00.003+01:00

Loic Remy celebrated his team being relegated by being arrested for going out and raping someone allegedly. What a wonderful way to spend a Wednesday. I'd like to place more emphasis on the 'allegedly' bit.

The QPR striker has been arrested on suspicion of gang rape, which statistically only 9 out of 10 people enjoy, and is being held along with two other men in connection with the incident. I have no idea if the other two are footballers or not, but what is it about raping people that footballers find so appealing? Players like Ched Evans, RVP, Titus Bramble and many others would all be horrified to hear that their fellow professionals would stoop so low as to commit sex crimes (see video below), as am I.

Also, these guys are absolutely loaded. Surely they can afford a prostitute or two. Maybe even three prostitutes. I have no idea how much one of those costs but it can't be much more than the equivalent of a bottle of gin, dinosaur suit, pair of roller blades and stereo that plays the ghostbusters theme tune on repeat, or as it's more commonly known, my sexual assault costume. It's really annoying having to explain what I'm dressed as to every single woman that I chase down a terrifying, dark alley

Rafa Benitez to Newcastle?

2013-05-15T23:23:00.002+01:00

INTERNET RUMOUR ALERT! There are rumours circulating around the world wide web that Alan Pardew is set to be binned this Summer and replaced with Europa League winner, Rafa Benitez. Coo-eeeeeeeh!

Good old Pards has been given the DREADED 'vote of confidence' by the Newcastle board after forgetting to hide how terrible at management he is and almost relegating a side that should comfortably have finished in the top half of the table. Rafa wants a chance to manage in England again and rebuild his reputation (apparently winning trophies and finishing third isn't enough anymore) soooooooo

Benitez would actually be great with that team, and Newcastle would have a manager of some genuine ability for the first time since Bobby Robson was there. I wish he hadn't died. Even now he's still a better manager than Steve Kean