I take the lid and push the cat off me.  I really don’t remember if I was being gentle or not.  I am yelling into the phone, “The cat bit me, the cat bit me!”  I don’t know if I swore.

My friend asked which one and I said the other.  ”That’s weird, that’s the nice one.”  Great.  The mean one is the one I have to get into a box but for the moment I am stuck in a 10 X 10 room with two cats by the door.

I hang up and use the lid as a shield while carrying the box out.  If one cat jumps at me I am gone and that’s it.  They don’t.  I am standing in the living room of the this dark 70’s home wondering what the hell I am going to do.  I am trying to do a favor for a friend but I am panicking because of my phobia.

For my masculinity’s sake I must remind you that I have zero fear of dogs which makes this even funnier to my friends.

So I am standing there wondering what to do and the leg-biter leaves and the sick cat strolls over to me – for a taste of my leg I am sure.  I tip the box over and nudge the cat in and, probably, slam the lid shut.  I am watching for a sneak attack from the other cat which doesn’t happen and shoot out the door.

The box is big and I can’t sit down then slide it to the passenger’s seat so I put it down on the passenger seat and watch to see if the cat will jump out like a Jack-in-the-Box.

It looks safe and I run around the car and jump in while simultaneously slamming my hand down on the lid.  I finally feel safe.  I drive one handed, almost lifting my right side up because I am pushing down so hard on the box.  The cat tries to get and pops it’s face through which freaks me out but it goes back.

Part 3 to come.

Oh look it’s the “Let’s Kill The Humans Tour” in the Kittybego.

via http://www.flickr.com/photos/mostudio/

Or is Darth Vader in cahoots with the cat?  Oh, we’re screwed.

via Pagedooley

Shining 2 coming to a theater near you, too soon.

photo via Evapro

Well, how many babies do you think she ate?

via sukanto_debnath

Hell hath no fury like a wet cat but, they smell better than a wet dog.

photo via willgame

Don’t turn your back on me!

photo via http://www.flickr.com/photos/28481088@N00/

Cats earn part of their fortune through their ownership of lint roller companies.  Ever notice that they lay on CLEAN clothes in a basket but but rarely the dirty clothes?  Conspiracy.

photo via http://www.flickr.com/photos/29278394@N00/

There’s no thumbs, who do they put on black lipstick?  I guess even cats feel sad.

photo by http://www.flickr.com/photos/kaibara/

It was a Monday afternoon and she knew I had the day off.  ”What do you want need?”, I asked regretting answering the phone immediately.

“I need someone to take my cat to the vet.  I am out of town and the housesitter said the cat is really sick.”  Cat?  Me help a cat.  Doesn’t she read my blog?  Oh that’s right I didn’t tell anyone I know about the site or my irrational fear of cats.

I must have paused long enough that she wondered if the cell phone cut off.  ”You don’t have anyone else that can help.”  Of course she didn’t.  Fine I will help.  Either I will prove cats are fuzzy and happy or that they are the horrible menace.

She gave me directions to her new house and told me where the hidden key was located.  It was only a fifteen minute drive but I was already sweating.  I was simultaneously thinking what horrible things could happen and then chiding myself for being so stupid.

Cats are everywhere, loved by millions.  They are fuzzy, soft and whimsical.  But they scratch the shit of things and people.  They curl up on your lap on a cold day purring on your lap and they walk on the counter after trotting through the litter box.

So I pull up to the house wiping the nervous sweat from my brow.  I get out, pick up the key and walk to the door.  I put the key in the door and call her before I open the door.  Whatever happens I want her to know as it happens.   She’s on the line as I open the door.  Two cats eyeball me and they look exactly the same.  Which one is sick?  Apparently the heavier one!

I have to pick them both up when I don’t even want to be there!  They are walking around and don’t seem to mind me haphazardly weighing them. She doesn’t remember where the cat carrier was put after the move and I can’t find it.  She agrees, not that it mattered, that having a cat wandering around in my car on the way to the vet was a bad idea.

I am in the room where the cat’s eat and there is a platic tub with a cover that should work perfectly.  Yes it has air holes.  I am scared, not sadistic.  While I have done all of this searching and moving around the two cats have been walking around occasionally brushing up against me.

So after we decided to use the plastic tub I emptied it.  I don’t know if it was the noise of the paper I pulled out of the plastic tub but it happened, the cat bit me….to be continued…