fixmyhead: a blog in the life

I'm Over Heeeere Now...

2011-01-26T19:43:00.000-08:00

so, it's been a while again (again)...but i think i'm just about ready to get back to (semi) semi-regular blogging.

why now?

i suppose in part because after the events of the past 9 months, i'm finally starting to get back into the groove of writing...and thus, obviously, i need to have as many options for procrastination at my disposal as possible.

and i suppose i also didn't like the idea of stopping this blog with the eulogy i wrote for my mom and my subsequent how am i doing 1 month later post.

my mom's death wasn't the end of my life and i didn't want it to be the end of my blog (of course on some level it was a fitting hiatus...but eventually life and blogging must go on).

that said, i've decided that i'm going to be making the (very late to the party) move over to tumblr. my plan as of the moment is to use tumblr for the day to day, the minutiae of my life if you will, and then occasionally put longer posts up here (essays and the like).

so without further ado, i give you...

FixMyHead Productions - Tumblr Style

How Am I Doing? -- 1 Month Later

2010-05-26T04:00:00.000-07:00

my mom is dead.

it's been approximately one month since she died, but it feels no less strange saying that phrase today then it did on the day it actually happened.

yes, i am aware that a month has passed in between, and yes, my pain has lessened during that time (in fact, it's lessened considerably), but it still doesn't change what has happened. on the contrary, as the whirlwind slows and the dust settles, it seems to have only clarified things more sharply.

i will never be able to talk to her again. i will never be able to hug her. try as i might to move forward and return to some semblance of an everyday life i still find myself distracted, frequently having to beat back thoughts of her no longer being here, while at the same time trying to hold firmly onto her memory.

the constant inquiries from friends and family wanting to know how i'm doing has slowed a bit, and to be honest, i'm thankful. this isn't to say i don't appreciate the concern (or that people aren't still thinking about me and inquiring), but i'd just assume not answer the same questions every day, especially given the subject.

so, for anyone currently wondering, this is for you--

i am doing fine...except when i'm not.

the reality is, the answer to your question is a constantly changing one that i have trouble enough getting a grasp on myself from moment to moment without having to try and articulate it at the precise moment you're asking.

i suppose the better question (and in some ways i think the one you actually mean to ask) is, will i be okay? and to that, i can unequivocally say maybe.

i'm kidding of course, i'm sure i'll be fine. i just don't know how long it will be till i am (though i'm beginning to think that it may be a while).

see, on top of actually mourning and grieving the loss, i've started to realize that i need to learn how to live again in a world where my mom being sick and dying is not at the center, because in a lot of ways that's what the last three years have been...and to be honest, i don't remember how to do that just yet.

in my mind i recognize that i no longer need to spend my days walking around like a tightly coiled ball of anxiety, nervous that the next phone call could be the proverbial "other shoe dropping," (as the other shoe has now dropped...and it's been buried), but i still haven't figured out how to tell my body.

also, i no longer need to feel like i'm racing a clock (at least not as acutely).

every decision (in life, in love, in pursuit of my career) can exist on its own now, or at least absent the added pressure of being made with a desperate wanting to reach certain life moments before she was gone (not to mention absent the at-times crippling guilt that comes from realizing that this wasn't going to happen).

i suppose there's a reason why they're called life altering events, because that is, quite literally, precisely what they are.

but the good news is these alterations can be used to make me better, or perhaps i should say (as cliched and new-agey as it might sound) to make a better me.

i know what i want (and, thanks to tv and being a child of the 80s, i know that "knowing is half the battle"). it's time for to me to re-calibrate, to get back to LIVING my life, not fighting against it...

i'm looking forward to it.

Eulogy For My Mom

2010-04-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

below is the eulogy i delivered at my mom's funeral.

Losing a loved one is never easy, but my Mom liked to say that no one ever really dies because even after a person’s gone they live on in our heads and in our hearts.

She also liked to say that death isn’t something to be afraid of. The analogy she always used was that of an unborn child. She’d say that if it was somehow possible to ask an unborn child whether it wanted to be born or just continue living in the comfort and safety of it’s mother’s womb, that it would choose the womb. It would choose the womb because it doesn’t know about all the wonderful things waiting for them once they’re born…the baby would choose the womb because that’s all it knows.

I reminded my Mom of these two things right before she died. In fact, those were two of the last things I ever told her. At the time I hoped that if for some reason she was afraid to leave us and enter into the unknown, then maybe it would help her let go. And now that she’s gone, I keep trying to remind myself that these would be the two things she would say to me if she were still here.

That said, it will probably come as no surprise when I tell you that today is the hardest day of my life. I suppose it’s somewhat fitting then that my Mom’s eulogy was the hardest thing I ever tried to write. Not because I didn’t know what I wanted to say, but because there truly are no words capable of properly describing someone as amazing as my Mom.

When Jason and I were very young, and still shared a room, every night before we went to sleep she used to spray a can of lysol in our door and say, “Hocus Pocus, no bad dreams” and somehow, magically, the nightmares stayed away. Well right now there’s nothing I wouldn’t give to hear her say those magic words, because that’s what this feels like - a very bad dream…one that I keep hoping I’ll wake up from, so that when I do she’ll still be alive.

There’s just so much I’m going to miss now that she’s gone:

- Our weekly recaps about all the TV shows we both watched and what we thought about last week’s episodes.

- The latest information about who got engaged, who got married, who gave birth, and who got a new job.

- Her telling me about some new restaurant she read about or saw on the Food Network, or a great recipe she found for me to try.

- Unexpected packages in my mailbox stuffed with newspaper clippings or magazine articles I might enjoy.

- Boxes of food from Zingerman’s, full of macaroons or hamantashen or whatever the appropriate corresponding food might be so that Jason and I would have something to properly celebrate the current holiday, even if we were all the way on the other side of the country.

- Or just coming home and finding her current stash of potato chips, hidden in the strangest of places (in fact, for anyone coming back to our house later, don’t be surprised if you open up some cabinet or drawer and find a bag).

And, unfortunately, I also can’t help but think about all the things that she’s going to miss out on.

The fact that she won’t be there to see me get married, something I know she desperately wanted to be around for…as evidenced by her regular inquiries into whether I was dating anyone, or in the event that I was dating someone, whether I thought she was “The One.”

That she’ll never get the chance to play with and spoil her grandchildren, which hurts so much because she would have been the most amazing Grandmother.

Or that she won’t be able to see Jason and I (knock on wood) one-day find success with our careers.

But rather than continue to dwell on what’s been taken away from us, I want to celebrate and remember everything I was fortunate enough to be given by being her son.

Everything that I am today is, in large part, because of her: My love of cooking and my love of eating food from all over the world. My equal appreciation of a good book, a good movie, a good concert, and a good Broadway musical. The enjoyment I get out of spending an afternoon by the pool, or in a museum, which comes courtesy of all the numerous museum trips we made growing up (even if at the time they were tolerated only because they came with the promise of a visit to the gift shop at the end, they resulted in Jason and I joining a rather exclusive club -- children under the age of 13 who had the ability to distinguish between a Magritte and a Matisse). My sense of humor. My sense of empathy. My sense of wonder. My sense of adventure. For all these things, I have her to thank.

Yes, my Mom’s life has ended, much sooner then any of us wanted and much, much sooner then she deserved. But as Abraham Lincoln once said, “In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” And in this regard, my Mom lived more in her 59 years then most people could dream of living in two lifetimes.

I look out at the dozens and dozens of people in this room, not to mention the dozens and dozens more who couldn’t make it but who are thinking about her all over the country today as a testament to how rich and fulfilling her time with us was, and I see the proof of what my words have attempted to express…She left this world a better place then when she entered it, and our lives were infinitely better because she was a part of it.

I hope to see her again some day, but in the meantime I will go on knowing that she will never be forgotten.

Weird: The Al Yankovic Story

2010-03-24T23:45:00.000-07:00

on the one hand, this is hilarious. on the other...i kinda wish someone would make a weird al yankovic biopic.

"Weird: The Al Yankovic Story" from Aaron Paul

I'll Roshambo You For It!

2010-03-12T00:45:00.000-08:00

in a word: awesome. a glove that lets you play rock-paper-scissors by yourself. i wants it.

the secret word is...FUN!

2010-02-01T03:17:00.000-08:00

i suspect by now anyone who might be reading this, already knows that after months of waiting i finally got to see the new pee-wee herman show this past saturday. and if my suspicions are correct, and you are aware of my attendance at said show, then it's likely you also know that i had an absolutely incredible time while i was there.

from the moment pee-wee stepped out onto the stage and chuckled, till the moment during the post-show q&a* where he choked up telling us how grateful he was that we still wanted to see him perform, it was magical. so much so, that i can unequivocally state that witnessing pee-wee's return to the stage was an experience that i will definitely remember (barring any alzheimers, dementia or head injuries that result in memory loss) for the rest of my life (*because i bought my tickets to see the show when they initially went on sale, before the venue switch, i was able to attend the aforementioned q&a).

now, i realize there are a lot of you (relatively speaking to the number of people actually reading) who might be a little upset over having neglected/been denied the opportunity to see the show for yourself...to you i say, don't worry, the point of this post is not (solely) to rub in the fact that i got to see the show and you didn't. no, the point (also) is to share with you some of what made the show magical...and so here's a taste of what you missed:

the first is a film from 1960 that was (presumably) originally shown in schools in an attempt to teach children the right way to behave. pee-wee used it as a sort of interlude at one point during the show.
it is apparently part of the beginning responsibility series. it is entitled lunchroom manners. and it is, in a word, tremendous.

the second is a little fun (SCREAM!) fact that you may or may not know. pee-wee used to be a huge collector of strange vintage things (example: he has over 8000 different yearbooks in his possession), but these days he says his hoarder habit is under control.

and finally, the third item is another video...this one of david hasselhoff (who was a classmate of pee-wee's at the california institute of the arts in valencia) performing hooked on a feeling. pee-wee said during the q&a that this video was one of his favorite things to watch online, and i think you'll very quickly see why (hint: because it's awesome).

so, enjoy...and don't be a mr. or miss bungle!

cupcake challenge!?!?

2010-01-29T00:35:00.000-08:00

um...yes, please!

Where Have I Been?

2010-01-27T01:10:00.000-08:00

i admit, it's been a long time since i've shown the blog any love. it happens (with me seemingly every few months or so). but, rather then get into a long explanation as to why it happened this time (and, for the record, i can neither confirm nor deny any rumors that you may have heard about my role in the global pursuit of one of the greatest criminal masterminds of our time), instead i'll just say that there should be some (semi) regular posts headed your way for...well, for however long they last.

Fall Is Here

2009-10-14T03:06:00.000-07:00

it's raining outside right now. in fact, it's been raining all day. i kinda like it, it means fall has arrived.

sure LA's version of fall/winter means the "rainy season" but i don't mind a few weeks (or even a month or two) of occasionally wet weather. it's a welcome change. finally the oppressive summer heat makes way to cool days and even cooler nights. if i'm lucky, in a couple of weeks i'll be wearing sweatshirts, hats, and scarves when i go out.

i also like the sound the rain makes. the soft and steady tapping, drop after drop gently landing on the roof and against my windows, building to a crescendo of soothing percussion that is absolutely perfect to fall asleep (and sleep in) to.

and, of course, whenever it rains i can't help but hear this beginning to play in my head --

Terminator 2 Rap -- Coming Soon

2009-10-08T18:28:00.000-07:00

remember those amazing predator and robocop raps from a few months back (unfortunately, the predator rap is no longer available online due to a copyright claim by fox)? well, it seems the guys behind those are gearing up to release a new rap...for terminator 2!

the release date is Oct 19, and in the mean time they've put up a teaser. suffice to say, i can't wait...

A Taste

2009-10-08T02:44:00.000-07:00

a longer recap will be coming soon, but for now here's a short video from my trip last weekend to new orleans...more specifically, a street party on frenchmen street.

Turtle Humps Boot

2009-09-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

exactly what it sounds like and surprisingly funny.

Do It Yourself Penis Enlargment

2009-09-24T00:37:00.000-07:00

news out of orange county. an unidentified man in his 50s
was put on psychiatric hold for further evaluation after having been brought to a newport beach hospital in need of serious medical attention after his attempt at do it yourself penis enlargement went...oh, about as well as you might have guessed.

apparently, the guy macgyvered a penis enlargement device together by using a steel, ring-shaped, dumbell weight fastener. he put his penis through the hole and proceeded to leave it there FOR 2-3 DAYS!

by the time he got to the hospital his penis had --

"blackened and swollen to five times its normal size," authorities said. "In order to remove the ring, firefighters had to use a saw to cut through it." (ed: you know...technically speaking he succeeded)

costa mesa battalion chief scott broussard described the man as, "kind of a wingnut" who had "refused immediate treatment" and been informed,
"that if he waited any longer to remove the fastener, the flesh in his penis would die."

what i'd like to know is, wingnut or not, did he even try enzyte? had they not produced the results he desired...or, is this just another example of the extreme measures some people are forced to take because of our terrible economy. and that if, perhaps, universal health care was available he could have affordably gotten the (natural) enhancement tablets he so desperately felt he needed.

(via laist)

Phoenix

2009-09-17T18:40:00.000-07:00

video from last night. Phoenix performing "If I Ever Feel Better" at the greek theatre los angeles.

enjoy...

Oh Fuck

2009-09-15T18:35:00.000-07:00

the robot rebellion has begun!

Where Were You

2009-09-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

when i was in high school i once remarked to my ap history professor that we were living in boring times, that our generation had yet to see any real landmark events that could be considered worthy of the history books.

i bemoaned the fact that there had been nothing in my lifetime that made people around the world stop whatever they were doing just to witness the moment...something that we would remember with amazing clarity for the rest of our lives...something that had the "where were you" factor.

he smiled politely and assured me that before my lifetime was over i would bear witness to plenty of these moments.

smart man that mr. vetrini.

on the morning of september 11, 2001 i was sitting in a classroom, listening to my criminal law professor wax poetically about the differences between manslaughter and murder, blissfully unaware of what was happening in the world outside our classroom doors (note: this was before wifi was widely available in classrooms).

it wasn't until class ended (a little before 9am est) and i stepped into the hallway that i heard about the first plane hitting the tower. at that time people weren't entirely sure whether it was a freak accident, an act of terrorism, or some other thing that could not yet be explained. lots of theories and arguments about what had actually happened were being tossed around, and i decided, rather then listen to conjecture, to find a nearby television set and see for myself what was happening.

as such, i made my way down to the student lounge where a large group of people (students, teachers, administrators) had gathered to huddle around the few screens. i squeezed my way inside and found some space in front of one of the tv's just in time to watch the second plane hit at 9:03 am.

it's a sight that i would see replayed countless times in the hours, days, and weeks that lay ahead, but at the time the thing i remember most about that moment was the sound that escaped from the mouth of a woman standing a few feet away from me. a guttural moan that, best i could tell, was supposed to be the word "no" but instead came out as some kind of disorganized wail, as if her mind was rendered incapable of putting together the two necessary letters required to form the coherent word.

i felt my body go numb. all around me people sank to the floor, their legs no longer capable of supporting them. we continued to watch, transfixed, as the news coverage continued. i'm not sure how much time passed (maybe another 15 minutes) but at some point a voice came over the loud speaker announcing the university was closing and that all classes were canceled. slowly, the crowd dissipated as people headed back to their respective homes and dorms. eventually, i too turned and headed out the doors.

i remember walking to my car, mostly because i remember the silence. there were still a lot of people on campus but all of them had been rendered mute, still digesting what they had seen and still trying to comprehend what it all could mean.

i got home, turned on the television, and parked myself on my futon. once again, my timing was fortuitous (or not), as i was just in time to watch the first tower collapse.

from there the rest of the day is a bit of a blur. i remember seeing the second tower collapse, i remember talking to my brother and my parents, i remember checking in with a few friends who lived in nyc, and i remember being awake as the sun rose the next morning, having not yet shut off the tv...but beyond that, i don't remember much.

in the weeks that would follow, i would think long and hard about what it would have meant had i been in the towers or in the pentagon or on one of those planes that day. i would think about how i would've felt if my life were to be tragically cut short, whether i would have been happy with the life i'd lead. i would think about why i was in law school, was it something i was doing for myself, or was it something i was doing because it was expected of me.

eventually i would come to the conclusion that i didn't want to be a lawyer, that the path i was on was heading me towards a life i did not want to live. which is why a few months later i dropped out of law school and started down a new path, in search of a life i could be happy with...

so here i am, 8 years later. a struggling writer living in hollywood, a dreamer chasing the dream like the thousands of others whose paths brought them here to this place, to this moment. it hasn't always been easy, and there are days when i question the choices i have made. but today i remember where i was and how far i've come...

and most of all, today i remember to make the most of each day, because there's no way of knowing whether you'll get another one.

Person Of Walmart

2009-09-09T03:32:00.000-07:00

wow, this just keeps getting better.

one of the photos (see below) on people of walmart advertises a youtube channel. so, naturally, i checked it out (and really, how could i not...the winged horse art. on a denim jacket. it's just too damn intriguing not to).

the result? videos that are either the work of an absolute genius or a slightly retarded person. i'm still unsure which. here's my favorite one. judge for yourself...

People Of Walmart

2009-09-09T03:11:00.000-07:00

another new hilarious website (though this one's not a tumblr), dedicated solely to the purpose of photographing and displaying the many interesting people who shop at walmart.

some of the photos are absolutely amazing.

Take A Tumble

2009-09-08T03:33:00.000-07:00

tumblr is all the rage at the moment.

which isn't really a surprise. it's a blogging platform that is both quick and easy to use...perfect for kids these days (or anyone looking to compile an online scrapbook of their life and give their friends a peek behind the curtain of how their mind works).

however, its true greatness is best seen through its collection of themed sites. some of these sites are hilarious, some are strange, and some even get book deals.

so...because i know nobody wants to be back at work after a long weekend, and because i'm such a nice guy. here's a few (relatively) new (entertaining) tumblr sites to help you get through your tuesday (and the rest of your week, and beyond).

1. Three Frames -- three single consecutive frames from random movies, playing on a non-stop loop.

2. FUCK YEAH NEIL PATRICK HARRIS -- a site dedicated to celebrating NPH.

3. FUCK YEAH SHARKS -- a site dedicated to celebrating sharks.

4. STFU, Marrieds -- a site dedicated to...well, i'll let them explain: "married couples on facebook with their inane status updates and wall posts are the bane of my internet existence. seriously, marrieds. STFU.

5. stuff i like when i am high -- the title pretty much sums it up (though a lot of the stuff on there is good regardless of whether you are intoxicated or not).

6. I Am Friends With Sluts -- once again, the title gives you all you need to know: photos of random women posted on social networking websites.

7. Pets Who Want To Kill Themselves -- because their owners dress them up to look like idiots, or have them do asinine things.

8. garfield minus garfield -- sad. but hilarious.

Wearable Towel

2009-09-04T15:46:00.001-07:00

how the snuggie blew up and this didn't, i don't understand.

Stamina Pillows

2009-09-03T14:44:00.000-07:00

"margaret thatcher on a cold day, margaret thatcher on a cold day."

for centuries (presumably), men (and women) have had to deal with the embarrassment and disappointment of premature ejaculation.

there's nothing worse then having a potentially hot, steamy, lovemaking session come to an end mere seconds after it started (or so i've heard).

from mentally reciting baseball statistics to silently singing the national anthem, men have tried all kinds of tricks (with varying degrees of success) to last longer in bed.

but now, there's a new way to fight back...

stamina pillows*

just throw one of these down and all your premature problems are guaranteed to be no more.

* actually, these pillows were part of the advertising campaign that durex launched to promote their "performax" condoms. the condoms contain benzocaine (a mild anaesthetic), which (allegedly) produces a numbing effect, helping men last longer.

Fifty People, One Question

2009-09-03T12:37:00.000-07:00

go to a place. ask fifty people the same question. film their responses.

the result...mesmerizing.

Fifty People, One Question: New Orleans from Benjamin Reece on Vimeo.

check out their vimeo page and the fifty people, one question website for more.

Fire, Fire, Fire,

2009-08-31T00:27:00.000-07:00

raging all about. here come the firemen to put the fire out.

for anyone outside the los angeles area who hasn't really seen or heard much about the wildfires, here's some amazing video time lapses of what it looks like.

Time Lapse Test: Station Fire from Eric Spiegelman on Vimeo.

Timelapse - Los Angeles Wildfire from Dan B. on Vimeo.

crazy.

Amber(ish) Alert

2009-08-28T18:39:00.000-07:00

PSA

2009-08-27T14:46:00.000-07:00

wait, this is supposed to be an anti marijuana psa right?