Here is a list of things I DON’T want to hear:

“You are brave.” – No actually I am not. I am not fearless or heroic. I was thrown into a difficult situation much like being thrown into the murky, treacherous waters of the ocean and sometimes I’m swimming along, sometimes I’m treading water just enough to keep from drowning and sometimes I feel like I’m being pulled under. As I approach my visit to MD Anderson, I’m terrified of what if any decisions I must make – will I be a match for a clinical trial and if so, do I jump at the chance or do I follow through with the standard of care of being on chemo for a year, which the side effects can cause other cancers especially bone cancers later in life, and all of the other side effects that come with it. Do I leap into the unknown and be a lab rat or will I even qualify for a trial? I try taking one day at a time, but I would be lying if I said it’s a crap shoot and it’s scary. I’ve also let fear throughout my life hold me back and my children because I was always so over protective and I do regret that. I am learning to worry less, but I’m not the type to run into a burning building or anything of the like. I am a strong person and resilient, but those are two very different things and far from bravery.

“It will all be okay” – If my entire neuro team between the ten or so doctors who all came in the night I was diagnosed, my Neurosurgeon, my Oncologist, my Radiologist, my Internist, my Radiation Tech haven’t said this to me then you shouldn’t either. None of this is okay; not for my family, my friends or for me. I’m very clear with people. I am praying that I go into remission for a very long time, however, there will be a recurrence of the tumor coming back, we already know this, my entire medical team knows this, my family and friends all know what is in store for me. How soon or the size, will determine the aggressiveness and where we go from here. Will the tumor be operable each time it comes back, how much can they get out, then decision making time all over again, and perhaps again and again and again, etc. It is a horrible diagnosis. That is a FACT. I’m just fighting this with everything I have in hopes to stave off the latter through diet, standard of care, a good attitude because it’s really all I feel like I have any control over and I’m trying to provide myself with the best quality of life for as long as I can. My next MRI is on 6/5 and we’re all praying and hoping that there is no evidence of the tumor and I have asked God to please, please, please let me go into remission for years until another recurrence of the tumor, then I ask God to please, please, please let it be operable each time the tumor grows back, then I must stop the process of this way of thinking or it all becomes too overwhelming for me and I don’t want to start with panic attacks. I don’t have time for that. I have been very clear with people of what my diagnosis is, so they are prepared and won’t be shocked at the news when this happens again.

“I’m so mad at you” – uhm, I think you’re mad at the situation or the disease or feeling helpless and perhaps do not know what to say. I didn’t bring this on myself. Trust me, I’ve already played this game with myself; did I let work and life situations get in the way and falling off of my exercise routine and gaining a lot of weight contribute to this, what did I do wrong, should I have used a microwave for all of these years that is over the stove by my head, and plenty of should haves and have nots. My pathology shows that it’s not in my genetic make up to have this brain tumor. We don’t have a family history of it, it’s most likely not environmental, according to my Oncologist, he believes I fit the percentage of people who just have a very unlucky diagnosis. I saw recently that a six month old baby was diagnosed with the same tumor, so there you go. That poor baby and her parents. It just breaks my heart. You don’t blame a baby, so don’t blame me.

Not saying anything at all or bailing – One of the worst things someone can do is just not to acknowledge it at all. I can tell when people are uncomfortable around me. I am a very empathetic and compassionate person and I read body language and facial expressions very well. What I have learned through this process and I’m just 10 weeks post – op is that it isn’t my duty to make you feel comfortable or if you’re not in my tight circle of friends or family then I don’t feel the need to comfort you over my diagnosis. And if I make you uncomfortable, then don’t stop by for a visit. Visiting tires me out and wasting my time or energy with someone that I have to wonder why you’re even here is exhausting. You’re not doing me any favor.

“You need to take care of yourself” – That’s all I’m doing. If you saw my medication regime of alarms going off every few hours which begins at 6:30 AM of taking my first DEX (steroid) then later it’s Anti-seizure medication time along with Prilosec because that steroid causes a lot of stomach acid, and a good old stool softener because radiation and chemo side effects cause constipation and guess what when you have trauma to the brain, you aren’t allowed to strain (TMI, but it’s the truth). I have to plan out breakfast because I cannot eat one hour before or after chemo, but have to be sure to take my chemo pills within one to three hours before radiation, which is at 11 AM every day Monday – Friday, then it’s on to Steroid time again to which I am in a constant state of hunger, and 9:30 PM anti-seizure meds again with Prilosec. And all the while throughout the day, I am stretching out my joints which are in pain due to side effects, running my household, taking care of my kids or them taking care of me depending on how I’m feeling, preparing all of my food from scratch, cooking, taking short walks, taking naps, so yeah I’m already on top of the taking care of myself.

“It’s God’s Plan” – People need to stop saying this as a phrase to try to comfort someone. If you don’t even know where the person you are saying this to stands on religion, then you’re just putting something out there that may sound hurtful to said person. If you’re intention is to comfort this person, then that is your priority, not pushing your beliefs on them. I also have issue with this because if you truly believe that everything is planned and that God has given us no free will then why are you praying and wasting your time and God’s to change his plan that he’s had mapped out for each of us for hundreds of millions of years and why do you even waste time making any decisions on any given day? I find this incredibly hurtful especially spoken to people who are the ones going through the pain, fear, struggles and I hate when people say that to someone who has lost a child. I believe in divine intervention from the Good Man upstairs, because I have witnessed and experienced miracles, but as I’m lying on the radiation table 5 days a week and have rays going into my brain and all I can think and pray for is please let me see my kids grow up, please let me see my kids grow up, please let me continue to be the kind of mom that I am, please don’t let my kids be sad, please don’t let my mom have to bury another child (she has two children buried at the same cemetery), please don’t put my husband through any more grief, he just lost his brother in September, please don’t let my family and friends suffer because this is so hard for them to watch me go through. My point being when a kid in the news took a selfie while driving and crashed his car into an oncoming car and killed a family and himself, that doesn’t sound like the God I know at work, that sounds like a stupid mistake on behalf of a kid that knows better, but didn’t think through the consequences. That’s narcissism at work.

Here are things people like me want to hear:

I’m praying for you and your family.
I’m praying for you.
I’m thinking of you.
I’m here for you in any way I can be.
I’m here for you.
This sucks.
I hate this for your kids.
I hate this for your family.
I hate this for your mom.
I hate this for you.
I am sorry you are going through this.
I don’t know what to say. (100% genuine honesty right there)
Is there anything I can do? (and when asked, do it or don’t ask)
This is B.S.

How are you feeling? – A lot of people with cancer get really sick of hearing this and if I reach that point then I will just be honest and let you know. But, I will emphasize that only ask if you really want to know. Don’t just do it out of obligation. I hate when someone asks me, but then when I am honest, they keep interrupting me with the things on my Things I Don’t Want To Hear list, “you need to take care of yourself” and “it will all be okay”.

Do you want to talk about it? – sometimes yes and sometimes no and respect my answer, but don’t ask if you don’t want to really listen and when I do have a vulnerable moment, don’t try to fix the problem, just listen, nod, and maybe give me a hug. I promise I will try not to get snot on your shirt. I can’t guarantee it.

THE WORST VISITS

Ask yourself why you want to hang out with me because honestly it’s interesting to see people coming out of the woodwork who I barely know that want to stop by. It’s really, really not cool if I have met you maybe once or twice and you are showing up at my house or continuing to call me. When I have to get up to answer the door in the afternoon when I am wiped from side effects and oh, yeah that thing when they cut my head open and removed a ping pong sized tumor from my BRAIN,. Guess what I’m not excited to see you. It takes all of my energy to smile and seem nice and appreciative that you dropped by with flowers that give me a headache or accept the food that because you don’t know me is a baked chicken and we are vegetarians.

The absolute worst visits of all , hands down goes to people who I haven’t been very close to in years usually just because we’ve gotten busy and grown apart or perhaps I chose not to hang out with them because they were flaky, unreliable, let me down or my family down in the past and I chose not to waste time hanging out with people like that, but I also choose not to harbor resentment and I forgive very easily and quickly. I always think that if God loves me unconditionally and forgives me and I don’t even have to ask Him, then I can do the same in return and I don’t like to hold onto anger or resentments. They are a waste of time and energy. But, these people start coming around and I can tell it’s for them, not for me and that’s not cool. I’m not here with my brain tumor so you can feel like you’re part of the group because others in my circle are also part of your circle. I don’t play the game of Girl World, never have, never will. I’m not here for you to feel better about yourself so that you can go back and brag about how you dropped dinner off or offered to help and then I can become a topic of conversation at your next Girls’ Night Out. I’m not here for you to receive a gold star of approval so you can feel like you got your time in with me because you think I’m about to die. Yes, that’s how some people act and it takes all I have not to say, “we’re all good, but you need to go and don’t come back”. Okay that’s utter bullshit, I really want to say, “Screw you and your narcissism, you know where the door is.” But as someone who surprisingly is not Jewish or Catholic because I’m always plagued with guilt when I say something not very nice, I will never say something like. Okay, maybe I will and I will blame it on the tumor. Can I get away with that?

FINAL THOUHGTS

Most importantly, do not treat me like a brain tumor defines everything about me. I still have all of the same interests that I did before. I still love to go hike so invite me, don’t say “well, I can take you to a park and we can visit on a bench” (the minute someone says such things to me, I mentally pump the brakes and you make it onto the list of people that I don’t want to visit with because you’re treating me like an invalid and I AM NOT.)

If you’re not sure what to do or say, let me lead the conversation because most of the time I want to hear about what you and your family are up to or how you’re doing. I’m still the same person. I want to hear what vacations you have coming up, or how work is going, or how your kids are or how your parents are doing, what movies or TV shows you are watching. Also you can complain in front of me, we all have struggles. And let’s talk about all of the other fascinating things about you because that’s why I like you in the first place and hang out with you.
I will share this has only been a handful of people and I do know that people mean well, so I don’t want to come off as an ungrateful douche. I believe that people have the best of intentions. I am so fortunate that I have such a loving community who has helped in so many ways, especially since we don’t have extended family here. The support of family and friends all over the country is mind blowing, the prayers, all of it is just incredible to believe that we have so many people to rely and lean on is a miracle to me. There isn’t a day that passes that I’m not grateful for a ton of people who are helping in so many ways.

I was a smaller person who used to be an avid mountain biker then I gained a lot of weight and became a really big person and then I became smaller again and then bigger again and the cycle continued. Then one day, I became this passionate, athletic person and ran 5k’s competed in a triathlon, completed a half-marathon even though I was injured and wouldn’t be able to complete the full marathon (stupid stress fracture), I’ve cycled hundreds of miles and what stands out to me the most today when I reflect back on the athlete that once was who grieved when I could no longer run (thanks a lot you damn hips) is the discipline that I had and that’s what has been missing.

When I began training for the marathon I read a book “The Non-Runner’s Guide To Marathon Training” and the thing that was embedded in me was no matter what was going on, the weather, circumstance, being too tired, the mantra was “it doesn’t matter”. If I woke up in the morning on a training day and I had ten miles to run, but it was raining, “it doesn’t matter” were the words that came to mind and I would climb out of bed, dress and head out the door to run ten miles in a raincoat.

What I’ve learned this week is that I can still have that discipline, but I don’t have to be obsessive or all or nothing as I have been in the past. I proved to myself this past week that I didn’t have to train or work out at the gym for 2 hours a day to get my head in the game of eating clean and healthy. I cut back on sugar, limited my carbs, and I didn’t struggle one bit. One of the things I wrote in my journal was to remember how easy this actually is.

I have been berating myself for the past several months over photos of myself working on film sets and at first I was pretty shocked by my size. It’s different when you see yourself in a photo verses the mirror every day. I knew I was fat and having to squeeze myself into clothes and some just didn’t fit, but I can lie to myself, I can fool myself, I can pretend that I accidentally put my jeans in the dryer and they shrunk six sizes, but it’s always there; the truth. Those photos were a truth to me, but it still didn’t make me do what I needed to do. I know why, too. I was making excuses. I’m too busy, I have a shoulder injury, it might rain. Well, when busy, I have to find the time and commit to exercising, okay my shoulder hurts like hell and sometimes has me in tears, but my right shoulder isn’t my entire body, I can take a walk, I can ride a bike, I can work my abs, I can lift weights. The the other excuses whether it’s being swallowed up by grief over loss of loved ones, having a lot of work to do, being in stressful situations or weather conditions, well, guess what? It doesn’t matter. The work needs to be done. Living a healthier lifestyle isn’t an on again/off again commitment. This realization has to matter. I’m not getting any younger and the wear and tear I put on this body just from being overweight is unacceptable. I deserve better than this.

*photo courtesy of David E. Mitchell (Dates set)

I’ve been riding my spin bike and the kids have been hopping on it daily as well. I’m tracking again and eating very clean. I’ve been having smoothies made from vegetable protein a few times a week. I haven’t been obsessing over it, but I have been looking up my Smart Points and writing them all down whether I have eaten out or I choose to cook at home. The access to everything is at my fingertips with my iPad, iPhone, computer, Weight Watchers books, so there really is no excuse.

We’ll see where this leads, but I think I already know the answer to this. I’m just trying to remember that this isn’t difficult. It just takes the desire to want to change, the need to be a better role model for my kids, and the drive to not be lazy.

Many of us know this struggle. The problem turns into too many tomorrows and those tomorrows result in the same as your yesterdays and the waist begins to expand and it gets more difficult to climb the stairs.

Let’s not forget that while we love Scarlett’s fashion sense, I mean c’mon the chick made a kick ass dress out of curtains and managed to seduce a handsome man in it, she is also a narcissist only vowing that “tomorrow is another day” because she can’t cope with reality and most likely needs a good therapist. So, that phrase is merely an excuse. I know it the minute I think it.

I have to ponder which I hate more; making this daily excuse by beginning with the best of intentions and then no follow through or taking the time to understand what I am subjecting my heart, lungs, kidneys, knees and all of my body through on a daily basis. I know the answer, I just seem to struggle with not making the plan, but executing the plan.

I look back and wonder where I took that wrong turn to lead me to gain all of my weight back and one extra pound. I think the answer originally lies in the motivation. I had lost my sister almost nine years ago. I can’t believe it’s been that long. I was afraid of having a heart attack like she did and wanted to be here for my kids and my nieces, so I kicked it into high gear. Then I discovered running and that helped me cope a bit. Then I began racing and that became something to focus on with all of the training, researching, the actual racing and that became addicting. Then I began cycling and I loved that. Then the injuries came. One by one I would get knocked down from hip bursitis, then stress fracture, stress reaction, Fybromyalgia and I would get back up and do it again until I just couldn’t. It wasn’t the pain, it was the deterioration of my body and the harm and stress I was putting on it that stopped me in my tracks. Knowing that I needed this body to carry me through hopefully a very long rest of my life, but then I felt lost and the drive just wasn’t there any more. I didn’t want to spend two hours in the gym to make up for not training and racing any more and the workout clothes fit a little tighter and the jeans got a little tighter, and the breath got shallower on hikes and now I’m in terrible shape and health and it’s like I completely forgot what I even stopped racing for to begin with.

On to the food. Oh, the food, the best friend and the foe. I’m an all or nothing person. If I’m killing it in the gym, I’m drinking green drinks and eating food that sometimes looks like a dirty diaper and happy to do it. I’m floating on a freaking cloud like the Care Bears, but when I lack the time to work out, I go straight for the junk. When I’m extremely sad, I go straight for the junk. When I’m super excited and want to celebrate, I go straight for the junk. When I’m stressed out or lonely or tired, I go straight for the, sure go ahead and say it out loud in unison….for the junk!

I’ve let frozen shoulder keep me from the yoga mat, which is a place I love to be. It’s a real condition, not some Disney invented diagnosis with a catchy little song. It’s painful and I’ve been dealing with it for a long time. Again, it’s just another excuse. I put all of me into being a mom and into my work, so now it’s time to also find the time to take care of myself.

I wrote a while back that I was going to get up at 4:45 AM instead of 5:20 AM to exercise first thing in the morning. I never did because let’s face it that’s just too early and I am not going to stick with it if I can’t even manage to do it one time. So, new plan of action: I will go to the gym two days a week right after dropping my daughter off at school. There is a rec center three minutes from the school. I’ll get a membership tomorrow. I will go to yoga one day a week. So, that’s three days a week. That is doable. I will start with this. I have a spin bike being delivered tomorrow and I will attempt to ride it at least 15 minutes most days when I watch TV.

I guess I’ll sum this up with tomorrow is another day, BUT there will be changes. I think that is the statement I’ve been missing all along.

* Strength train twice a week because it’s good for my bones (I’m not getting any younger), it torches more fat the more muscle I have even when I’m not working out. That’s just a win/win!

* Be able to put my size 18 jeans (I should be wearing a size 20, but I just can’t bring myself to buy bigger pants. I just CANNOT) in a box and pack those suckers away or donate them.

* Get more sleep or at least attempt by going to bed earlier even if I can’t fall asleep right away.

* Handle stress better by meditating and yoga (Grief is a bitch).

* Remember that I can’t be everywhere for everyone at all times and be okay with it.

* Find and try new recipes every few weeks to throw a kink in the monotony of the same old thing.

* Track my food consumption 90% of the time and be mindful of my eating 100% of the time.

* Use my time more wisely and take longer breaks between social media, focus on work more when my kids are at school to free up more family time with them, exercise earlier in the day when I know I have energy.

So, there it is. That’s the plan and I’ll keep you all posted on how it’s going. If I stumble across any fantastic recipes, I’ll be sure to post them here. I’m off now to go cook a vegetarian chili that is fitting to be eaten as we look at the Christmas tree lights, wearing our flannel pajamas, and find something on Netflix to watch together.

I’m the only parent my kids have during the week, so everything is on me and being my youngest daughter’s Girl Scout Troop leader. I am feeling very burned out, very unhealthy, very tired, in a state of grief over losing my grandmother and brother-in-law, worrying about my mom as she has eight more rounds of chemo to go and I pray this will be the last of this for her. I feel like I’m failing at friendships, but I try to stay in touch, but I feel like I never have time to visit with them or be there for them the way I would like to be, and I rarely have any time to myself, which is something that always puts me on edge after a while.

I’m trying to strategize to become more proficient in time management and focus on the top priorities first and foremost. I need to wake up earlier than I do, which means I will have to wake up at 4:45 AM to make sure I get in a workout first thing in the morning. I have found that waiting to get the kids off to school and then working out is a thing of the past from when I was a stay at home mom. That no longer works because I often wake to discover that I have work to do and deadlines looming, so I tell myself I’ll work for an hour and then exercise, then go back to work, but that rarely happens. I will work for several hours, realizing I never ate lunch only to binge on something very fast and go back to working and then it’s time for the kids to come home. I go into Mom mode at 2:37 PM, Monday through Friday, it’s an afternoon of getting everyone where they need to be, making dinner or picking dinner up (that’s been the norm for the past few weeks and it’s been fast food. I feel so ashamed for this). The evening comes and after hugs and kisses and tucking in, I’m back in my office working until the early morning hours at times.

I know that I can’t keep going like this especially on about 3 to 5 hours of sleep every night. I feel run down, I haven’t eaten a fruit or vegetable in days until this morning when I threw a banana into my smoothie and that is so unlike me. I am going to focus on how much time I spend on all of my tasks every day for the next few days and journal it. Then I can be clear about where to make changes. I do know that I spend too much time on social media. Because it’s a huge part of promoting the series and I’m the one who does it, I also know that just because I am posting, does not mean that I then need to look at my personal feeds because that soaks up a lot of my day. I can’t use social media as my source to feel like I’m connecting with people. I can’t post that I’m praying or thinking about this person and this one and now this one and post my every sporadic thought, etc. It’s a time suck and I don’t have time to give.

So, the time really is now to evaluate my time to figure out where to make time and where to cut time. I know from my past that when I say “I don’t have time to exercise” then it just means that’s because I have to MAKE time to exercise. I have to make myself a priority, my well being, and to recognize that the way I spend my time greatly impacts my kids because when I’m feeding myself garbage and doing the same to them, I’m not being the kind of mom they deserve nor am I being the kind of mom I intended to be.

I am heading out today to take a walk. I am making the time to do this and to be with a very dear friend and I’m making the time to write this because I know we all have issues with time. I thank you all for taking the time to read this. I wish you all a wonderful day!

If I had time, I would count how many times I wrote the word time in this blog entry.

Let’s see, where should I start? I did go back to Weight Watchers and was welcomed back with open arms, looks of surprise, new and old faces smiling at me, and dear friends. I lost 6.4 pounds two weeks ago. I didn’t make it to the meeting, last week due to a very busy work day, but I have been trying to go on a regular basis. The one thing that’s changed the most for me is that I’m not going nuts the day before a weigh-in. I just accept what the entire week brings and what shows up on the scale. I have really great days, some okay days, and some just downright terrible days. If can just cut down to very seldom having downright terrible days, then that would be great. For the future, I will now refer to them as DTD’s instead of having you read the words downright terrible days over and over through this blog like you just did. You are welcome!

We wrapped the filming of the pilot for Dates (The Series) and it was some great and some not so great and I screwed some things up and I did some things well and I had an amazing team of people surrounding me, encouraging me, and helping in so many ways. I now understand why actor’s Oscar speeches go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on…yeah because so many great people busted their butts to help me with my project. I will never ever be able to truly put into words for each of those folks to really express my gratitude. It’s just jawdropping to think about.

I’ve been walking a lot and enjoying getting to catch up with some of my friends, new and old. The leaves are changing and I just love this time of year. Today, my friend, Kandi and I stumbled across a rather creepy area of the woods as she helped me scout for film locations. It reminded me of Blair Witch and of course I took several selfies and video to capture how lame I really am.

I’ve been a little weepy the past two days and I think I’m feeling the affects of grief. Losing my grandmother and brother-in-law within weeks has really put a huge weight on my heart. I’m staying busy and just letting the tears come as they need to. I’m not fighting it because I know what that can do emotionally and physically. I’ve been there and done that and I say, “Oh, no thank you”.

So, I’m tracking, eating clean with the exception of half a sandwhich and bulgar salad yesterday, but it was worth it. I did have veggies on the which, though. I’m just taking it one day at a time and five pounds at a time right now. I’m not driving myself crazy, but I am enjoying some new recipes and will be sure to post this on the website VERY soon. Very meaning probably in the next month or so. Did I mention I’m very busy?

I hope you are all doing well and I have a ton of emails to answer from the page and thank you all for checking in on me and for continuing to support me throughout my lifelong health journey. Be well, friends!

Last week as I waited for my mom’s PET scan results to find out if her colon cancer had spread, which it didn’t (Thank God), I had been getting updates and news on my brother-in-law who has advanced stage 4 pancreatic cancer and has been put on hospice care, I was also getting updates from my cousin and brother about my grandmother, Mimi’s health. She was admitted into the hospital and things turned from bad to worse over the course of several days and last, Wednesday, Mimi passed away peacefully, in the presence of my aunt and cousin, holding hands.

Living out of state, away from family takes a toll on me especially during bad times. I wanted to be there with my family, but I have a life here, on my own with my children to care for and a job. It was very difficult not to just pack up the three of us and drive down indefinitely. I’m a natural comforter, no, I don’t think I’m a bedspread, I just mean that I try to comfort and care for those who are struggling or hurting. Sitting on my ass, waiting for a text or phone call is very difficult for me, but as much as I was trying to keep busy, my mind would drift and the restless nights caught up with me very quickly.

I spent several days in Texas, attending Mimi’s funeral, which was lovely. My cousin, John who lives in Austria recorded Mimi’s favorite music, he played on the piano during a photo montage. She loved to hear him play, so it was such a nice tribute to her, my cousin’s husband gave a heartfelt reflection of his relationship with her, my cousin, Missy recorded her reflections that played while we watched photos on the screen and it was beautiful and a true representation of who Mimi was to us. I got up to speak and somehow made it through without dropping to me knees and making a splash into my tears and having to be lifted up and dragged back to my seat. I got to visit with family, who I love so very dearly. My mom was there even though Mimi was her ex-mother-in-law. My parents have been divorced for almost forty years and my mom is still part of the Wilsons. It’s a true testament to who my mom is and who the Wilsons are. My other grandmother was there along with my aunts. I watched Mimi’s great grandbabies playing in the church and knew she was smiling down on them.

While I know my grandmother was an old woman, the pain of losing her and knowing that I and my children won’t get to sit and listen to her many stories she liked to tell over and over again saddens me. I can’t just pick up the phone to call and see how she’s doing or let her know what we’re up to. It’s a huge change in my life, in my family’s life and it’s going to take time.

With all that has been going on with my family’s health and that of some of my friends, I’m simply overwhelmed. I’m stressed. I’m sad. I’m scared. I’m worried. I’m not doing well with knowing that it is all out of my control. I hate cancer with every fiber of my being. That’s what got Mimi in the end. It’s all hard to digest, but to have to digest so much all at once, three people I love, one we laid to rest on Saturday, one losing his life in a matter of days, and one fighting it in chemo and recovering from a horrible and painful surgery – she being my person; my mom. I’m optimistic that Mom will get through this because she’s got an amazing attitude, doing what she’s got to do, and I guess in my mind all I can think is she has to be okay, she just has to.

The kids and I returned, Monday evening to beautiful flowers from a dear friend and dinner in our fridge and now as I try with all of my might to get up every morning and make a healthy breakfast, exercise, and take care of business, housework, the kids, etc. It seems all I can muster is the energy to make my kids’ breakfast and lunches, get them off to school, wallow in this funk I’m in, barely keep my eyes open, have major stomach aches, fumble through my job duties in a fog, and then get my kids in the afternoon and pretend that I’m okay and run into others and try not to cry and just say, “yeah” and “uh huh” a lot.

As I think about the health of my loved ones, it makes me think of my own health. I’ve never felt so unhealthy in my entire life and I’ve managed to gain weight, no big surprise there. I guess I’m just wondering when will I have the strength and energy to take good care of myself again? I’m so tired, I feel like even my eyebrows are too tired to go up or down to make any kind of facial expression.

I guess it comes down to a little bit of patience and then a little bit of kicking myself in the ass and making things better. I also do not suspect that anyone has continued to read this going on four hundred page essay, but I guess I just needed to write out my feelings and I’m too tired to go upstairs, pull my journal out of it’s hiding spot and write with a pen when I can just sit my tired ass in this chair and type.

I worked so hard to drop sixty-five pounds, I have a pretty tall stack of race shirts to prove it. I worked out like a beast for hours and hours every week, I wrote down just about every crumb that grazed my lips, I drank tons of water, I made it a priority and I dropped the weight. Once I had my injury, I couldn’t keep that pace up and I reverted to some of my old ways, the way in which food entered my mouth without me tracking, then too much food entered, then I ate because I couldn’t work out the way I wanted or enjoyed, I could no longer run, I was in pain a lot and then over the years I have felt like more and more of a slug.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy exercising any more. I’m just very busy. See what I did there? I made an excuse. Today, I marked it as the day I stop making excuses and I make exercise a priority. The better eating will follow as I already know this because I am an all or nothing person. I don’t think that will ever change, trust me, I’ve tried.

As I look back at photos during my weight loss, I can’t help but tear up not just because I wish I had done a better job at keeping the weight off, but because I never felt like it was enough. I never felt good enough, strong enough, slim enough or fast enough. I look at the photos now and I would trade my right arm to look like that again and I’m right handed! I have to wonder, what in the world made me set such ridiculous standards for myself and why wasn’t I good enough for myself. No one else was setting any standards for me. It’s not like folks have ever dropped out of my life based on my weight. It isn’t as if I were a professional athlete or model to which my income was at stake.

I realize it is Body Dysmorphic Disorder that I suffer from. Now, that I have embraced that I just want to be healthier I feel like I am more willing to embrace however my body looks at the end of each day. I’m going to feel good about what I put into it even when I indulge, I’m going to look back and feel proud of the effort made even if it was just a ten minute walk because it’s all I could squeeze in or it’s a day that I have a very painful Fibromyalgia flare up and I rest because that’s what I needed. I’m going to set a standard that I treat myself kinder and to not set ridiculous standards for myself. Now, if I can just remember all of this crap I just wrote out and remind myself every day.

I’m sharing a few of the photos that I’m referring to. Now, get out there and have yourself a great day and don’t let your high standards deter you from reaching your goals or keep you from accepting your beautiful and awesome self.

I was showing them to let loose and not to worry what anyone else thinks of you especially during a workout or when you’re really enjoying yourself. There are many times even at my lowest weight that I am the biggest person in a class, but I have never nor will I ever let that deter me from doing what I want to do.

They both loved the hour long class. We had a great time and they asked if we could do it several times a week to which I responded with an enthusiastic “Yeah”. I feel like I’m continuing in the right direction of not only my own self acceptance, but also helping my kids embrace who they are and hopefully that includes a sense of self worth and positive self image.

So, shaking my booty paid off in more than just burning hundreds of calories.