FlaxRx: Take the prescription. Write the prescription.

Playing the Office Field

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 04:45:00 +0000

From: SingleOfficeGuy

Issue: What is the etiquette for playing the field in the office? It's seem in bad taste to lay on the full charm, but a bit of flirting is actually good for office moral. What is the line? I've been picking up vibes from a few attractive ladies but I feel it's inappropriate to ask them out because of the work situation. And being casual and sneaking, just seems a bit weird to me.

Diagnosis: Although I often reach in to the grab bag of my own life experiences to help shed light on certain situations, I currently have no co-workers. Yes, I'm living the control freak's dream. So, my personal life is going to stay out of this answer. Sort of.

My man-friend, however, employs a small group of women in the age range of 20 to 40-ish. All seem to freely engage in inappropriate discourse with him, which makes me wonder -- if there is a line that shouldn't be crossed/boundaries in the workplace, no one seems to give a rat's ass.

One of them consistently refers to he and his business partner as "sweetie" or "babe". Another has divulged that she enjoys cutting herself and bleeding on boxes of his product. Oh god, that sounds awful. Said man-friend finds comfort in thinking that she meant it figuratively. Uh, let's hope so.

But all of that is fairly innocent, and I do agree with you, SOG, that "a bit of flirting is good for office moral." Smaller companies tend to have more of a family-like atmosphere, where it's not all business, all the time. Co-workers tend to feel more comfortable revealing details of their personal lives, and the friend/co-worker line gets blurred. How does this translate to dating?

While I tend to lightheartedly answer "go for it" to many questions, I think that this is the type of situation that you should approach with apprehension and fully weigh possible consequences. Remember, the opposite of the quaint, kindred-like office dynamic is the corporate, HR-driven establishment, chock-full of sexual harassment policies.

If you're looking for a fling, go to a bar and meet someone that you don't have to see every morning at 08:30am. If you sense a "real connection" with one of the attractive ladies, take things slow. You work together, so it makes sense that you would have things in common and similar interests -- hopefully you'll both have enough sense to realize all the possible scenarios that could arise from getting involved with each other. In general, I think it's safe to say: lay on the charm, turn on the flirt switch at the office to keep things interesting, just keep it at the office.

Checked Out

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 22:53:00 +0000

From: A.D.D ?

Issue: Why is it so easy to dwell in the past or look forward to the future, rather than just be in the present? I'm sick of being distracted.

Diagnosis: This question could also be titled, "Why can't I sleep at night?" We've all seen the Ambien television commercial where the overly dramatic toss-and-turn-er thought-bubbles (yeah, it's a new verb) about the past day, and everything that is on tap for tomorrow. Bitch should be sleeping!

But the fact that the problem is quite apparent -- think daydreaming in school as a kid, or saving/yearning for retirement -- doesn't solve the troubling issue of not being appreciative of current experiences.

Some might say that life is just a constant spin-cycle of reflecting on memories that make us who we are, and a rinse-cycle of planning for happiness in the future. What's wrong with that? Nothing, really -- unless you find yourself so disconnected from the here and now that all that planning for "happiness in the future" never comes to fruition. Get it? Cycle. I say the extra discipline that it takes to "live in the moment" is worth it. I know it's strange that for some people it does take extra effort to just relax and enjoy. And by some people, I mean everyone. Come on, who isn't working for the weekend? ;)

I don't want it to sound like I'm knocking ambition or the initiative that it takes to accomplish a great project in the future, just don't let all that planning cloud your vision of everything that is great today. Enjoy the process...how, you ask?

The stark advice that I have is to keep reminding yourself, every five minutes if necessary, to take a deep breath and be grateful for every present second. If that's what it takes, that's what it takes. I don't think that there is a more practical solution that is completely in your control -- perhaps drinking lots and lots of alcohol, but I'm not going to recommend that.

Peace and Quiet

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 03:03:00 +0000

From: Too Quiet

Issue: My new neighbors are really loud and always have a lot of people over. I can't even tell who actually lives there. From hearing them inside and outside the apartment, they seem to be pretty obnoxious. I'm too intimidated to say anything, but it's really annoying. What can I do?

Diagnosis: A few weeks ago, during my first viewing of the movie Juno, there was a baby screaming throughout the entire movie. I know, how appropriate, right? The unfit mother never took the crying goober out of the theater, but instead paced back and forth down the theater aisle with the little noise machine. Crying-baby-in-surround-sound was not an advertised feature of the theater -- oh, did I mention it was a 9:35pm showing? Ridiculous.

But what did I do beside roll my eyes a few times? Nothing. Though I felt my blood start to boil as I was distracted from hipster quips and the adorable Michael Cera, I, unlike said baby, kept my mouth shut. So did the rest of the at-capacity theater. Which is the worse crime -- the offensive noise, or being offended without defending your rights as a movie-goer?

You have to ask yourself, Quiet, the same thing about your rowdy neighbors. Yeah, it totally blows that they are so inconsiderate, but if don't vocalize your rights as a tenant, then you are just giving them an invitation to disturb you. I, too, come from the too-quiet persuasion. The hesitation to speak up, for me, comes from a fear that the outcome won't change -- I'm going to perpetuate the situation by confronting the offender, but they're not going to give a shit. In the case of the baby mama drama during Juno, the effort to get up and address the situation might not even result in the removal of the tater-tot from the theater. In the case of your neighbors, if you articulate that they are too loud, you run the risk of receiving a "Suck it. That's just the way I are" response (queue the Timbaland beat...)

It might not be a bad idea to play the wuss-card and just tell your landlord. Regardless if he/she lives on the property, it is his/her job to address noise complaints, leaving you completely anonymous. It's an efficient way to take care of the situation. In general, though, it might also not be a bad idea to work on being a little more ballsy. If my father sees the tiniest cell phone light on in a movie theater, he says in a loud, stern voice "put the cell phone away." Yes, embarrassing when it is your father -- but he might have the right idea.

Eager Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 07:23:00 +0000

From: Andy

Issue: Hey. So I have been talking to this girl online. We started exchanging emails about a month ago. She usually takes about 3 to 4 days to respond to mine. But, I usually respond to hers the same day I get one from her. I feel, well, like I look desperate. But I think it's more that I'm just not into the "playing games" thing. If I'm on my computer, which I inevitably am at one point during the day, I will respond to my emails. And if I see one from her, it's practically impossible to not respond. Is it that she is really that busy that she has little time to respond to emails? Is she playing hard to get? I think I might have a little bit of a crush on her so I don't want to push her away by coming on too strong.

Diagnosis: I've come to know two types of online personalities. The first one I call type "FF". Individuals who fall under the category of FF see "new" ways of communicating as a breath of fresh air. Email, MySpace, Facebook, text messaging...etc. complement their busy lifestyles. They can keep up with everything that is going on in their circle of friends -- all while multi-tasking at work, without having to say one word out loud. You, Andy, have an FF online personality.

Congratulations. While some might tell you to get a life and stop being so available to iGirl, I totally feel you. You aren't going out of your way to respond to her emails -- it's part of your daily routine to respond promptly to electronic communication. If you haven't guessed yet, FF stands for "Flax & Friends". Why run up a huge phone bill just because it is traditional? Text message plans are cheap and texting cuts through the "hi, how are you?" bullshit. MySpace and email are free. Using these tools to exchange information is hardly inferior to verbal communication.

After years of research on the other type of online personality, I have come to call it "LAME". No, not an acronym for anything clever, it simply means that these individuals are laaaaaame. A text message, an IM, a MySpace comment -- is not a marriage proposal. It's a casual, non-invasive way of communicating. The LAME don't see it that way; bordering on "game playing", the LAME need to think about responding to less-classical ways of communicating rather than naturally reciprocating the conversation thread.

Now, we're all guilty of selective responding. Certain people are just on our radar, while it's easy to forget to respond to others. This used to be called not returning a phone call. I'm not saying that it's a crime to take a day, a week, a month to respond to electronic correspondence; people do get busy and forget, it's just the attitude in which you view the email, for instance.

I don't want to hate on the LAME too much, but it's pretty archaic to view email as a less important way of communicating. iGirl has an email account (obviously), she uses her email (obviously), but doesn't "really" use it. Just like those who have MySpace profiles, log in everyday, but don't respond to messages. All symptoms of the LAME.

I wish I knew if you've met iGirl in person and how you came to exchanging emails, but I don't think that information is pertinent to the advice that I have for you: FF types and LAME types are inevitably going to interact, but recognizing who you are dealing with will save you frustration. The important thing is to keep being yourself and responding to LameGirl Pro when you see fit.

I can't pinpoint exactly what her deal is, but if she thinks that you are coming on too strong and takes your emails for granted, screw her. Anyone who is crush-worthy will have similar response patterns and will appreciate your initiative to get with the times. After all, Andy You're a Star.

Re-living the past

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Wed, 26 Dec 2007 23:12:00 +0000

From: Feeling Stuck

Issue: Although I wouldn't want to get back together with either of my last few boyfriends, I really miss aspects of their personalities. One of them cheated on me, so I don't want to date the same type of person, but I'm having trouble moving on. I invested so much time in getting to know each of them, and for what? I'm just really hopeless that anything in the future will work out. How can I put the past in the past and still learn from my mistakes?

Diagnosis: Due to the spirit of the season, I recently found myself in possession of a box of Cashew Rocas. Even though I've been a long-time fan of the Almond Roca candy, I was unaware of the Cashew Roca. I love cashews and almonds almost equally, so I was pleased to learn of their existence -- toffee, chocolate, cashews -- what's not to like?

I sat down to enjoy the individually wrapped treat and it was everything that I expected. Since I can't have just one of anything that I like, I quickly unwrapped a second C'Roc' and popped it in my mouth. The first bite was mushy and lacking flavor. The second bite also lacked that familiar buttercrunch toffee, and by the third bite I was spitting out the rancid nugget. Filled with disappointment, the disgusting taste still lingering in my mouth, I reached for the closest food item. I ate at least 10 Triscuits to rid my mouth of the nauseating taste. Needless to say, I did not revisit the box of Cashew Rocas that evening ...

With the prospect of any new relationship, you hope to overcome the past by projecting new and improved qualities on the fresh relationship. This is what people commonly refer to as expectations. It seems to me, Stuck, that you have high expectations, but are currently afraid of them. You are afraid to find yourself in a situation where expectations are inevitable for fear of disappointment.

I could tell you to lower your expectations of others. I could tell you to not fear disappointment. I could tell you that the only reason that you can't get over the past is because you are keeping it alive in your mind. But here is what I'm going to recommend: only concern yourself with expectations for yourself. The expectations, disappointment and memories that are currently holding you back have to do with external circumstances and individuals. A good step toward moving on is feeling in control of your destiny.

If relationships aren't worth your time because of the capricious way that others act and the cruel way that they play with your emotions, you need to embrace two realizations:

First, you are a capricious and cruel human as well. I obviously don't know you, but we are often just as guilty of the negative qualities that are more *clearly visible* in other people. While it might seem like I am insulting you, I am actually trying to empower you. You're not a helpless victim, but an active decision maker. And sometimes the decisions that you make are going to hurt other people. You're not the only one with crushed expectations. When you put your emotions out there to be hurt/disappointed, you are also on the scene to hurt and disappoint.

Second, to break this "what goes around comes around" cycle in attempt to "heal" or "move on", you must focus on other aspects of your life that make you, you -- goals, ambitions, personal development...etc. When you give your attention to those things that you have more discernible control over, all those pesky expectations are reflected right back at you. It's up to you; the loser boyfriend who cheated on you is out of the equation.

...the night after "Flax and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Cashew Roca experience", I cautiously gazed at my last Cashew Roca package. Cashews aside, what did I want to do? What were my expectations for myself? It all became clear as I excitedly opened the blue aluminum wrapping and took a bite. I couldn't help but smile. Delicious.

If you want to help yourself, a bad Cashew Roca can teach you about what kind of person you want to be, rather than spoil the whole box.

Time to Grow Up

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 06:07:00 +0000

From: Concerned Sibling

Issue: My younger brother graduated from college this year, but he doesn't understand that it's time to grow up. He still has a carefree, college mentality. He's not motivated to take on any responsibility. How do I make it clear to him that now is the time to start getting his life together?

Diagnosis: Although graduating from college is a milestone for many different reasons, I think that it is a mistaken notion that it is a time to "grow up." So, Concerned, just like Rami and Jillian on Project Runway this week, we must agree to disagree on this one. (Can someone please send me a link/.gif of Christian twirling? I freaking ADORE him! So quotable, so "fierce"...)

I understand your concern and I see why you want to inspire your brother to do great things, but you have to lay off the pressure -- give him some time to figure things out. We waste so much time being down on ourselves about what we are not doing, rather than taking time to enjoy what is actually going on. Your brother may not be spending his days inventing alternative fuel, but he could certainly be expanding his mind in other ways. And he might even *gasp* be happy with who he is as a person. That's worth way more in the long run than someone who has a "perfect" plan for the future. Here's a little thing to keep in mind about the future: if it doesn't come, you better by happy with what you did today.

From my own experience, I was such a nerd in college (yeah, not much has changed ;) ) that I actually lightened up a lot more post-graduation. It was from those experiences that I "grew up" -- I can write proudly as I come to the last stretch of my quarter life crisis. There is no formula for becoming the person that you want to be, you just gotta roll with the punches. Sometimes you have to be comfortable being vulnerable to be the most stable. Crazy, right? Crazy.

"Growing up" is a never-ending process that you recognize every once in a while when you turn certain corners. If you want to be a positive influence until your brother reaches one of those corners, encourage him to pursue his interests and make smart choices. Be a support system rather than a disciplinary. Watch out for him, but don't try to force anything -- it's pointless.

In the words of OutKast "you can plan a pretty picnic, but you can't predict the weather." Hey ya.

I don't want him here

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 04:50:00 +0000

From: Lisa

Inquiry: My friend and housemate recently started dating this guy, and they're basically attached at the hip. She leaves for work very early in the morning and afterwards, goes straight to his house. They usually end up sleeping here. On the weekends, they continue to spend every moment together. While I miss her, I have no real problem with any of this. He has no apparent job, and is also without a car. At the moment I don't have a job either, so I'm home a lot during the day. Here's the thing: twice now she has decided to let him "sleep in" and stay here. I don't even know he's here until he comes lolling out of her door sometime in the middle of the afternoon. The fact that he's here without her really bothers me for some reason -- I don't really know this guy or what he's like. Am I being unreasonable? Also, I don't know how to talk to my housemate about this. Like I said, I rarely see her anymore, and when I do she's usually with him.

Diagnosis: Ahh, you're question, simply Lisa, mentions my two favorite circumstances that tear friendships apart: romantic relationships and shared living space. Not only has your friendship with Roomie been put on the back burner due to the layer of super-glue between her and Mister Likes-to-Sleep-in, BUT there is also a creepy dude squatting in your home. Lovely.

In the name of general advice, I must take this opportunity to advise everyone out there to LIVE ALONE. The cheaper rent is not worth the drama, and subsequent anxiety and headaches that come with living with someone else -- no matter how much you get along with her/him before you live together. I could go off on a million tangents about this, but I better focus on your question ...

No, you're not being unreasonable for not wanting him to waste the day in the abode where you pay monthly rent. The thing is, your housemate does not think that she is being unreasonable by letting him stay there. She thinks of him as an extension of herself, and she has rights in the residence. By the transitive property, so does he. So, that's a little background about where she is coming from: She trusts him, she wants to make things easy for him, him, him, him...sounds like she cares a lot about you, right?

Being "in love with love" makes a person (usually a stupid girl -- and I say that with the utmost respect, being a stupid girl myself) forget to look for qualities in a person that are worthy of love. Instead, we just get instantly attached to an individual because there is some basic connection that we want to milk for all it's worth. Give us an inch, we'll take a mile. Because she is caught up in all of this, she has forgotten to be considerate about how you feel about having a stranger in your home.

What's the consequence of expressing your concern? What usually happens is that you become the enemy. The minute you two are done talking about the situation, she's gonna whip out the celly and text/call him to explain what happened. Awkward encounters will follow that might include glaring eyes, harsh whispers and b-lines for her room as soon as they enter the front door. All because you wanted to lay down the law that guests should leave when the permanent resident, who invited them there in the first place, leaves.

That is the rule that you wanted, right? You can't make exceptions for, perhaps, less-leachy boyfriends, or for your own guests. It's all or nothing. Again, do I really need to explain more why it's so much better to live alone? If you don't, you need to establish these rules from the get-go, not just when something doesn't go your way. I'd take advantage of this situation and take the time to lay down more ground rules for other potential less-than-desirable encounters.

If you are going to let it bother you, you should tell her how you feel. Although you don't see her very often without him, it seems like you did used to be friends. Ask her for some "friend time": Text/call her at work, email her, leave a note on her door -- simply state that you want to hang out, get a bite to eat together. During this time, ask more about their relationship and about him. Volunteer info. about what is going on in your life and casually bring up your concerns about her boyfriend. I'm not hopeful that she will listen to what you say, but at the very least she will become aware of appropriate/inappropriate behavior in your home. When she moves out eventually, don't look for a new housemate, get your own place.

I slept with one of my best friends

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 05:38:00 +0000

From: Confused in Hollywood

Issue: I was at a party and got kinda drunk. My friend and I were just talking and we ended up talking about hooking up. We've been friends for a long time and she and I have never done anything remotely sexual at all. But for some reason we ended up coming to the decision that we should just do it and get it out of the way. We did and long story short, it's done. Neither one of us has feelings for each other. I don't want to date her, she doesn't want to date me. (I'm actually interested in someone else.) I don't feel weird about it and hope that we can still be just friends and move on. I would never want to sleep with her again, but what should I do if she feels strange? Also, how long should I wait to call her?

Diagnosis: Trick OR Treat! We've got a spooky one this Halloween, folks! ...

Confused, it's great that you've assessed how you feel about the situation -- it was a mistake, you have no real romantic interest in your friend, there will not be a repeat performance. But the missing piece to this puzzle is how your friend feels about what happened (not how you think she feels). Just because you are interested in someone else, doesn't mean that she is. In fact, if you are concerned about her feeling "strange", you should also prepare yourself for the possibility that she might want or expect more from you. Your night-of-gettin'-busy could have been the moment that she's been waiting for. You need to resolve the nature of your relationship.

If she does indeed have starry-eyed feelings for you -- feelings that developed prior to your hook-up, or that developed (um) during -- you might need to cool off your interaction for a bit. Your past, platonic friendship cannot just magically be revisited. The reality of the situation is that you've reached a turning point in your friendship. Recognize it as such, and it will save you time and energy later.

Hopefully I'm wrong, and you have accurately described her interpretation of what happened. Both of you can breath a sigh of relief and carry on, with this incident as a silly memory. It's still a turning point, just a less severe one.

Call, text, IM, or email (how ever you normally communicate) her to find out what's next. I'm a firm believer that men and women can form fantastic friendships, but you have to be on the same page.

Hot Coffee, Hot Girl

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Sat, 27 Oct 2007 23:52:00 +0000

From: Just Another Guy

Issue: How do I ask out the cute girl that works at the coffee shop that I go to every day?

Diagnosis: When it comes to expressing interest in your beautiful barista, you might be mainly concerned about timing. Spending five to ten minutes daily in your java joint of choice doesn't give you a whole lot of wiggle room to find out if she's single, or if you even have an inkling of anything in common that would prompt you to suggest a date. So, you need to think long term in order to give yourself a fair shot. Time is only really a limiting factor if you come on too strong and expect too much too soon. "I'd like a grande drip, and to go out with you Saturday night." Get it? I'd only try that if you are prepared never to go back to the coffee shop again, once she says no or reports you to her boss. But if you occupy your time wisely, and develop rapport with the little lady, you'll increase your chances of her desire to see you without a counter in the way.

The most important thing to keep in mind is to carry yourself in a non-threatening manner. The easiest way to do this is not to give your target too much attention. Sure, you're friendly to her, but you're also friendly to the woman in line that resembles Rose from The Golden Girls, and the guy taking a break from walking his pug to read the paper -- you're just a friendly kind of guy. (I'm so glad I watched The Pick-Up Artist all summer on VH1!) If she doesn't recognize you as a regular already, she should start to take note of your routine, and might make an effort to remember your name after taking your order. The fine line is whether she is available and interested, and she is not going to give you anything to work with if she's not. Unfortunately, the ball is kind of in her court. She's the constant in the situation, it's her territory, you're just the caffeine addict. Let the situation play out a bit before you decide whether it's appropriate to take the plunge and do the whole "do you want to go out sometime" thing.

Be yourself. Be interesting. And present yourself as someone of value, not just a guy desperate for a date. Hopefully over time you'll get to know some facts about her that will let you know whether you should kick it up a notch. Maybe she's not even worth your time. Remember: you have standards too!

Public Affairs

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 05:39:00 +0000

From: Excuse Me

Issue: The other day after eating lunch with a friend, I realized that the topic of our conversation was not appropriate for the children eating with their parents at the table next to us. We were leaving by the time I noticed they were there. It would have been strange if I went back and apologized, so we just left. My friend doesn't think that we were overtly rude or offensive, but now I'm wondering, how much should I censor myself in public?

Diagnosis: My first reaction to this question was the good ol' "put yourself in the other person's shoes" motto. How would you like it if a pair were talking about their scandalous weekend next to your little juniors? But then I realized, it doesn't matter how comfy or un-comfy the other person's Chucks are -- every person/parent is different and your view as a parent is no determining factor for how every other individual would react. They may or may not have been made uncomfortable by your conversation, but you will never know.

What this boils down to is the good ol' "you can't control anyone but yourself" adage. It's a good one, but most of the time you can't even control how you are perceived. The adults that were at the table next to you may have gotten the wrong impression of your character. Who cares? We so often hear snip-its of others' verbal expression and get the wrong idea about each other. It just happens, so brush your shoulders off and move on.

However, if a misunderstanding is interpreted as explicit malice, your instinct to apologize is warranted. Your hesitation stems from the apology making YOU feel uncomfortable; but rarely will someone think poorly of you if you offer an apology, even if he/she didn't think it was truly necessary.

Rather than placing importance on your surroundings -- looking around and sizing up others to see if they'll mind X-rated chit chat, focus on representing yourself with integrity. Concentrate on how you want to behave as a person, for yourself, not to benefit anyone else. You would have liked to have been more considerate of the kids eating lunch in earshot, so choose your words more carefully next time.

You can't control most of what other people think of you, but when it comes to sharing public space, there is no reason why very personal information can't be saved for later, Excuse You.

I suck

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 21:21:00 +0000

From: Sleepy in Seattle

Issue: I have lots of things I want to do but feel like I am waiting for my life to happen to me. I never go on trips, though there are hundreds of places I want to see. I never do anything creative or even constructive, though I get ideas for things all the time. I don't want my obituary to be just a list of TV shows I liked, but I'm vegging my life away. How do I overhaul the way I go about my life?

Diagnosis: Two wise men once said "the strong give up and move on, while the weak, the weak give up and stay." Even though you have an aversion toward your current state, trying to break out of it either seems too unknown or too much of a risk. There could be many reasons for your lackadaisical lifestyle, but the most pertinent seems to be your choice of subject title for this post, "I suck." Do you really think that attitude is going to get you anywhere?

Let's first focus on your suffocated creative instincts. It seems that you fail to act on any of your ideas because you lack the confidence needed to realize that something positive can come out of them. For instance, say you come up with an idea for a sculpture that you want to build, or a new gadget that you want to invent. Instead of thinking of the project as a learning experience where your conceptual abilities will be challenged as the project is executed, you are afraid that a) your creation will not get a positive response from others, further contributing to your lack of self worth or b) that you will fail or not complete the project, and then you (and others, because, duh, you are obviously concerned about what others think) will see yourself as a failure.

People tend to have the wrong outlook on failure. To me, failure simply means that you tried something new. Sure, a negative person would react "yeah, and you failed at it." But as we all know, I'm tragically optimistic, so I want to throw out the use of the word "failed". On your journey to failure, you pushed boundaries, went out on a limb, expanded your horizons, and every other visually trite saying that you can think of. And through those experiences you learned the ups/downs and frustrations of executing a creative project. But more importantly, you learned something about yourself. You see how much emphasis I am putting on learning? If you want to "overhaul" the way that you go about your life, open yourself up to learning. Don't be afraid of failure. A failed project/idea does not mean that you are a failure. You have only failed if you do not try. Even though I say that you can learn a lot from effing up, think about how much you can learn if you succeed. Encourage, listen to, and appreciate suggestions from others.

In regard to your desire-to-travel/won't-get-off-the-couch conflict, just go for it! Go big or go home! Since you are already home, you have no where to go but big! (huh?) Anyway, if you have the money, start planning a trip now. To avoid being overwhelmed, move the "hundreds of places I want to see" perspective to the trash bin on the desktop of your mind, and just focus on one place that you would like to visit, for now. Once you get in the traveling groove -- and have learned aspects about yourself and your abilities along the way -- having more adventures will become second nature.

If you don't currently have the means to travel, save up and begin with having exciting outings in your own city. Collaborate with friends and take chances, within reason. Simple gestures can make you feel alive, if you are in the proper frame of mind. If you are the silliest person ever, like myself, the following example might apply. It's autumn. If you are in a restaurant and their seasonal specialty is chilled pumpkin soup, think to yourself, have I ever had chilled pumpkin soup? If not, you must seize the occasion and realize that you cannot go another minute without having that experience. Would you want the world to end tomorrow without having tried chilled pumpkin soup? I know I WOULD NOT. (Yeah, I know, I'm stretching it, but try to see some metaphor in there, and how you can apply it to other ideas of living life to the fullest).

Here are a few final "Don't"s to keep in mind as you rethink your approach to livin':

* Don't wait for anyone else to say "okay." Waiting for approval from others to do the things that you want to do will only perpetuate your current slum.
* Don't look at life as "what you should be doing with your life". Look at each day as an opportunity to learn and accomplish something new, as minute as that something may be.
* Don't underestimate yourself and be proud of what you have already accomplished -- it's often more than you give yourself credit for.

Above all, enjoy yourself -- it's later than you think!

Relationship, party of two

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 18:12:00 +0000

From: Mr. Right

Issue: I've been with my girlfriend for about a year, but only recently have we been discussing politics. She is uninformed and I always have to explain my point of view in great detail. I had no idea that we had such different views. Every simple conversation turns into an argument and even after I back up my views with supporting evidence, she still disagrees. I am clearly right, but how do I get through to her?

Diagnosis: Loss of innocence comes in many different forms. It can start when one discovers that there is no Santa Claus, and escalates with the realization that relationships actually take work.

What? I don't just fall in love and everything else falls magically into place? HA! Falling in love is the easy part! Making a relationship work -- like in fashion ;) -- takes patience, understanding, trust, among countless other things (yada yada yada; I know, I hate to sound preachy).

Okay, so you and Hillary Jr. don't see eye-to-left-eye politically. It's not the most complex problem. If you two were married, strictly followed different religions and needed to know how you should raise your children, besides being an issue that I'm probably not qualified to comment on, that would be a complicated problem. But, phew *wipes brow*, luckily for me this one can immediately begin to be resolved.

Don't talk about politics. And tell your girlfriend that that is the new game that you will be playing.

Not discussing politics is not denying the problem at hand (your opposing views) or avoiding the inevitable (that your opposing views might ultimately mean that you are not compatible, a larger issue that I'm not addressing right now). You are simply being respectful of each other -- in the form of shutting your pie holes. We all need to just shut our pie holes once in a while; sometimes for our own benefit, sometimes for another's benefit, sometimes for both.

So, in the coming year, when you are among other couples and friends that are getting into heated debates (about the debates), take a deep breath, smile, and just listen. You are entitled to your opinion and you are entitled to think that you are correct, just don't burst a blood vessel over it. Later on in the evening, when you are alone with your girlfriend, you two can laugh at the other couples who are going home arguing or just not speaking to each other at all. Making an effort to remain neutral in public company (or even in the sole company of your girlfriend) can be beneficial to your relationship and help you regain some innocence, some simplicity.

As we grow older and it seems more innocence is lost every day, it could be that our strong opinions, our jadedness, our cynicism makes it so and perpetuates the shedding of the innocence pounds. I like to think that innocence is not lost. Perhaps it is just misplaced.

Long-Distance Blues

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 22:40:00 +0000

From: Co-ed on the verge of transferring

Issue: I just moved away to college and my boyfriend moved to a different college in another state. We are both away from the town that we met in and each know very little people at our new schools. Whenever I hang out with the new people that I have met, I am bored and would rather be talking on the phone with, or texting, my boyfriend. We talk all the time, but I won't be able to see him again until Thanksgiving. I hate being away from him, so I'm thinking about transferring to his University next semester. We both agree that it's a good idea, but how do I deal with the next few months? I still have two more months until I see him again and even longer until we are living near each other. I can't wait! How do I make the time go by faster?

Diagnosis: Hey there, Delilah. Calm down. You obviously haven't enrolled in Feminism 101 yet, let alone opened yourself up to all the programs and activities that your college most likely has to offer. I'll address your question of how you should spend your time before you get to see Mr. Love of Your Life again, but be aware that my intent is to convince you that switching schools is not the answer.

First of all, overcome your voluntary amnesia and remember why you chose the college that you are attending. What area of study are you interested in? Are you there to support your favorite sports team? What volunteer program or on-campus job floats your boat? Even though all you can think about is your male-half, there are reasons that you ended up where you are.

If nothing at school is all that exciting, be proactive about finding peers that share similar interests. Start a blog about a topic that you are passionate about and publicize your site in a school newsletter or by posting fliers. Get a part-time off-campus job at a company, retail outlet, or food service establishment that you like. Give it time, though. No one said finding good friends is easy.

Once you do find people that you click with, between bonding with them and keeping up with your academic studies, you are not going to be so wrapped up in your boyfriend. And at that point, you might be perfectly happy where you are and will not want to relocate. As much as I'm sure your boyfriend enjoys your affection, he'll be happy that you are enjoying your own college experience. However, I have to ask, has there been any talk of him transferring to your school? I don't want to question his devotion to you, but if he wants to stay put and give his school a chance, I'd take a cue from his reasoning.

I hope that you come up with some ideas to enrich your situation, little miss Going Out of My Head When You're Not Around. If you focus on your interests and passions, furthering your personal and academic self, you'll realize that your boyfriend is a great extra addition to your life, NOT your life.

There Aren't Enough Hours in the Day

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 20:22:00 +0000

From: Has Time Management Issues

Issue: FlaxRx, I need some help multitasking. I tend to give everything that I do my undivided attention and I run out of time. I always sacrifice working out, spending time with friends, and other activities that aren't a necessity for a certain day. Is fitting it all in a possibility?

Diagnosis: On Mondays, a former co-worker and I used to discuss our oh-so-exciting post-work activities -- filling up our car's gas tanks, grocery shopping and laundry. Those chores are a pain in the ass on their own, but after a full day of work they are particularly tiring. The punchline to our playful self-pity was that "it's a lot of work just to be a person." It's so true, right? Even brushing your teeth before you go to bed can be the last thing that you want to do! I don't know; we thought we were clever.

My idea of a "work out" makes most people laugh, but bear with me, T.M.I. -- I'm addressing your multitasking query.

I know that all of us busy people DVR our favorite television shows so that we can watch them later -- and fast-forward through the commercials (tear for advertisers). Here's an idea: record your guilty pleasures so that you can view them at your leisure, but put down the remote. Let the commercials play and use the 30-60 minutes per program to exercise also. You can lift free weights, use pilates bands, or stretch in order to feel less like a bump on a log.

Need more cardio? Make grocery trips bi-weekly -- only getting what you can carry -- and walk to the closest grocery store. I told you that my idea of a work out is less than high impact, but you take care of an errand and get your blood circulating. Friends that live nearby can also be involved in this activity, adding another bonus to your excursion. If walking to the closest grocery store takes at least a week, this idea can be easily modified for convenient store or Target runs. Just be aware of places that are in walking distance the next time that you are hopping in the Camry.

If the gym is more your thing, invite your mates along to get friend time in that way. When life has you stressed out, the natural reaction is to sleep it off and avoid socializing. However, I read somewhere that making quality friend time a priority can help reduce anxiety and alleviate the tasks that "make it a lot of work just to be a person." It's a reminder that there's more going on than that project at work, or that bill that you keep forgetting to pay.

You're not always going to have time for everything, but a lot of the items on your "to-do" list can wait a day or two. Your dirty apartment that must be tidied up at once(!) will still be there tomorrow.

Disrespected in my own house

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Wed, 05 Sep 2007 22:07:00 +0000

From: I live here too

Issue: How do I tell my housemate that her friends are rude? When they're over late at night they make a lot of noise, eat food that I bought without asking, and aren't very friendly. I'm afraid that if I express my feelings to my housemate that I'll be more uncomfortable around her friends, and nothing will be resolved. I feel like I should have a thicker skin and not be bothered by them, but right now I am and I want to try to work something out.

Diagnosis: Apparently, Live, you didn't get the roommate memo. Every roommate comes (free) with friends that wake you up at three in the morning and eat your groceries. No matter how well you think you know (and like) someone, most of the time you have to pull out your emergency patience-kit to deal with her/his presence in close quarters.

If you do happen to know your housemate prior to living with her/him, your relationship can easily crumble after you each find out qualities about each other that drive the other crazy: One of you might unexpectedly bring home a pet that the other does not want. Leaving the lights on in an unoccupied room might not be a concern on yours, but your roommate may not want to give Southern California Edison one more dime than she/he has to.

Things like that don't come up when you are living separately from your best bud, simple enjoying their company over dinner and drinks. For your friendship's sake -- especially if you are female -- proceed with caution before entering into a BFF/roommate living sit'. Some more on that here.

If you don't know your roommate well, or at all, before you share a residency, you may not know how she/he reacts when you address her/him with a problem -- making the inevitable "ugh, i effin' can't stand your friends!" confrontation even more difficult to approach.

I hate sounding like my mother talking to my first grade self, but I want to dig a little deeper into what you mean when you say that your housemate's friends are "unfriendly." Could you be feeling left out? I know that on top of the laundry list of other things that they do to piss you off, their icy presence doesn't help; but maybe if you made more of an effort to interact with them, you'd be less affected by their actions. Ideally, you'd earn their respect and they'd think twice before shouting the lyrics to Lil' Mama's Lip Gloss at 2:51 a.m.

And if you react like my first grade self, responding to my mother, you are now explaining that the bottom line is that housemate's crew are major d-bags and you want nothing to do with them. Okay, regroup.

Decide on one issue to bring up to the Lady Living in the Other Room. The food issue is a perfectly reasonable one that is not terribly controversial. How can she disagree with you? Bring it up casually when you both are in a good mood. To sound even less aggressive, you can say that you are at fault of eating food that is not yours. Try something like "... I don't want to eat anything in the kitchen that I didn't buy either. Let's come up with xyz and tell our guests about it...". Hopefully she will make it clear to her hungry friends that the jig is up. More importantly, after realizing that they need to watch what they eat (not for diet purposes), I'd like to think that they will become more aware of their attitude/choices when in your house. By not obeying your house rules, they're dissing your housemate (their buddy!) as well.

Party Without the Price Tag?

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 23:07:00 +0000

From: Needs Alternative Booze

Issue: I'm 22, female, and just recently started hanging out at bars. I spend a fortune on drinks, usually cosmopolitans and martinis. I like the way that they taste so I'm reluctant to order anything else, but I'd like to get something less expensive. Any suggestions?

Diagnosis: You have SO many options, my dear Fruity Little Drink 'Cuz You Can't Shoot Whiskey! Don't fret. A recent favorite of mine is the flavored vodka tonic. Simple. I don't want to encourage you to drink cheap liquor, but a bar that stocks fairly inexpensive flavored vodka is a winner. If you're thinking Smirnoff -- try orange or cranberry. It's harder to find, but Seagram's flavored vodka is mighty tasty! That might be a treat that you can rock at a friend's house, or for a good old "pre-party" before you hit the town. I recommend the "Black Cherry" and "Wild Grape" varieties.

Speaking of "pre-party", why not booze it up at home? You can buy a whole bottle of Seagram's for the price of one Cosmo. Then, once you're out, order a club soda with lime. Super cheap and refreshing.

Do you live in a city where you have to drive? No better way to save your liver and cash on drinks than by offering to drive your buddies for the evening. The club soda with lime fits perfectly into this scenario as well. But be careful. I once was handed club soda in a glass the size of a water pitcher, with a dinky piece of rind for a lime. Amidst beer-buzzed jolliness, walking around with a giant drink can be awkward. So, if you're superficial like me, order your club soda with extra lime in a highball glass to ensure cuteness.

Like I said, you have so many options -- hopefully readers will contribute by sharing their favorite cheap drinks. I'd also check out webtender, for general cocktail ideas.

I'm my girlfriend's bank account

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 23:17:00 +0000

From: Shouldn't Have Money Troubles

Issue: I'm on a strict financial budget, that I'm good at following. There's just one aspect of it that sometimes irritates me. I've been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half and we are planning on moving in together in the near future. I make more money than her, so I will be paying for a majority of the living expenses and she already turns to me for a number of her financial needs. I want to continue dating her because everything else about our relationship is great, but I can't help but get annoyed when I give her money. I end up thinking about what else I could be doing with the money. Is this worth talking to her about, or do I just accept that this is what life is going to be like if I want her to be a part of mine?

Diagnosis: I think as long as people are forming relationships with other people, there are going to be annoyances/disagreements -- aspects about your friend, boyfriend, boss...etc. that you can't stand. And, of course, there are those less than desirable qualities about yourself. Unless you are content with bonding with plants, your DVR, those little Bonne Bell wax cheeses (have you ever seen Sarah Silverman talk about them? hilarious!), or other inanimate objects, it's a fact of relationships that you have to face. If a certain relationship is important to you for one reason or another, you end up overlooking the irritations and focus on the qualities that make the relationship valuable. You may need to maintain your relationship with your asshole boss to pay the bills, or, for you, Mo' Money Mo' Problem, you don't want to jeopardize your romantic involvement with your special lady. But there are some things that you can do because, I'm afraid, if you don't address this issue, one day you will reach a breaking point.

You've already set a tone for how your girlfriend can treat you. She feels comfortable taking money from you. It has become a natural part of your relationship, and a natural part of her financial state. If you don't want to be paying for a majority of the bills once you move in together, you must start reversing this standard.

When you discuss your moving plans, ditch the googly-eyed convo about which candles and throw blankets you are going to buy at Pottery Barn, and make the dollar-sign talk a priority. It's your boyfriend duty to care about your girlfriend's professional aspirations, so encourage her to explore other options to expand her career -- and financial independence (who wouldn't appreciate that kind of support? i think it's much more valuable than your current role as her monetary backbone).

Is she due for a raise? Is she currently working full time? Is there something else that she loves doing/is really good at that she could start to pursue as a career? You obviously don't want to attack her with criticism or overwhelm her with ultimatums, but I think that she needs to be doing more for herself before you take your relationship any further. If she cares for you and your finances, she will recognize your willingness to emotionally support her, and ease up on coming to you for dough.

If you ignore it now, woo hoo! -- get out your measuring tape and head over to IKEA. Ultimately, the relationship with suffer.

Missing My Friend

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 05:02:00 +0000

From: yogirl

Issue: I used to be best friends with this girl. She was awesome and we had a really great friendship -- we both supported each other to the nth degree -- which is something I feel, on different levels, we both needed. My friend, let's call her "Megan" started dating my boyfriend's very good friend who we'll call "John." My boyfriend and I never really got involved in Megan and John's relationship except that we all loved to go out together and always had the best time. Well, John and Megan are very different -- which we all knew from the start -- and it ended up not working out between them.

I had become good friends with John through my boyfriend and hanging out with him but of course remained even closer to Megan. One night -- a few weeks after Megan and John broke up -- I had made plans with Megan and my boyfriend made plans with John. When my boyfriend and I met up with each other we told the other person of our plans. Well, John was cool with Megan (because he sorta broke up with her) but Megan was definitely not cool with John. But, it had been a few weeks since the break-up and they were never super serious so we thought we'd ask Megan if she would be cool having dinner with John since my boyfriend already asked him to have plans.

I was on the phone with Megan just shooting the shit and then I put my boyfriend on the phone. He's really witty and funny and Megan always really liked him -- so I thought -- maybe he could convince her to come to dinner and we could all have a good time. Ok, in retrospect I guess it was a bit insensitive. I should have considered that Megan wouldn't want to see John but I thought she was over it. Um, she wasn't.

My boyfriend talked to her for five minutes after Megan convinced him that she wanted nothing to do with John and he told her that we would of course have dinner with her and forgo our plans with John. I got back on the phone with her, confident that everything was cool, and she said something along the lines of "I gotta go -- talk to you later." And hung up. And that was the last time I heard from her -- 2 months ago.

I tried contacting her and she told me via email that she would talk to me when she was ready. I really miss her but after this display of anger and her not talking to me for months (which I'm guessing will just continue) I don't know that I'd want to be friends with her. I just think that by her avoiding me completely, rather than dealing with me and communicating that she doesn't want to be my friend altogether.

Basically, if she wants to talk -- I'd want to. But should I give up hope and just move on or hold my breath until she comes around?

Diagnosis: Being the pop culture junkie that I am, I rushed home last night to catch the season premiere of The Hills. I know, I know what you are thinking: Why the eff don't you just DVR that shit? Thankfully, I am getting DVR installed tomorrow. No more huffing and puffing while throwing open my front door, as I scramble for the remote control -- hoping not to miss the first verse of that god-awful Natasha Bedingfield song. It will be great. But as for last night, I had the pleasure of watching Lauren and Heidi battle it out during their standard time slot. And how timely, for this post.

(Quick re-cap) At the end of last season, BFFs Lauren and Heidi had an extreme falling out; mostly due to Heidi's relationship with douche-bag extraordinaire boyfriend, Spencer. All summer long I've been reading quotes in US Weekly from the starlets, along the lines of "she knows what she did" and "people just come in and out of your life sometimes" -- further demonstrated in last night's episode(s). Which brings me (finally) to you, yogirl.

First let's consider the "people just come in and out of your life sometimes" outlook. When relationships end, sometimes you have no control. Individuals often just end up going their separate ways. For your situation, the other attitude exuded from The Hills ladies -- "she knows what she did" -- seems to be the direction that you should look toward for an answer.

Let's talk about ownership. You, Megan, John, and your boyfriend (he doesn't get a name? really?) all made decisions that spun the spider web of this predicament. Now you have to deal with and, ultimately, accept the consequences. No one is helpless here. For whatever reason, Megan is/was pissed. She doesn't like the way that you handled the fallout of her relationship with John. Or, perhaps, her feelings in regard to the fallout.

"...it had been a few weeks since the break-up and they were never super serious so we thought we'd ask Megan if she would be cool having dinner with John since my boyfriend already asked him to have plans," you say. Never got involved in their relationship? Puh-leeze. Why should Megan or John even have brains, or feelings? It's obvious that you and your boyfriend are pretty good at deciding their intentions and emotions. If Megan or John are in need of a quick buck, why don't you suggest selling their brains and hearts on eBay? You and the boy can do the thinking and feeling for them.

But, really. It was decided that an appropriate amount of time had passed, and that Megan should be over it. Maybe following John's lead, since he "was cool with Megan (because he sorta broke up with her)." I don't completely follow that bullshit -- don't you break up with someone so that you don't have to see them anymore?

It all seems very convoluted, and I can't tell you the exact nature of the stick up Megan's ass, but just like you made a decision to tell Megan how she should feel, she made a decision to kick you to the curb. In case you can't tell by my tone, nothing about this relationship is worth saving.

Adult Education

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 22:09:00 +0000

From: Flash Alpine

Issue: FlaxRx, I have been struggling with financial independence all my life. I have always relied on my parents, and now that I am out on my own I have been trying really hard to break free. I moved to Los Angeles about a year ago, and have barely been able to make ends meet so I was borrowing money constantly. Well, about 3 months ago I met an adult film producer and ended up doing my first adult film. I have done 9 films since then, and the money is great so I finally have been able to break away. The problem is, my mom has started asking why I haven't been asking her for money as much lately. I told her I was doing odd jobs and acting, but she keeps asking questions and wants to see stuff I've done. It's getting too hard to keep lying, but she is very very religious and would die if she found out. Should I tell her, should I keep making stuff up, or should I start borrowing money again to stop her from asking?

-Flash Alpine
Adult Star on the rise.

Diagnosis: Well, Flash, it seems to me that you need to find a way to stop lying to your mom without completely devastating her. But, at the same time, if the adult film biz is something that you see yourself doing long-term, how can you not lie -- knowing that your career is something that she does not approve of?

I'd get your priorities in check before you decide to make your next move. You now possess something that you have desired for a long time, financial independence -- I know that you don't want to give that up. Is the cost of it, however, too much of a strain on your relationship with your family?

If so, set a timeline for yourself. I hope you have already started saving money, but if you haven't, open up a savings account NOW. Then give yourself another six months to a year to continue down Porn-o-Rama Lane. By that time you will hopefully be financially stable enough to transfer careers. If you don't know what else you'd like to be doing, take some classes to explore other vocations. Perhaps mom will want to help you out with the cost. That way you can tell her that you are "getting by" on your own (insert your fibs about odd jobs and acting here), but you'd like her help while you figure out what you want to do next. You're lucky that borrowing money from her is even an option.

If your porn career has only just begun, and you see yourself embracing an adult film star lifestyle, your only choices are fessing up, or continue lying indefinitely. Since I've already mentioned that you seem to not want to lie anymore -- you gotta break it down for mom. Every generation embraces aspects of culture that the previous generation does not approve of. Your confession will create tension between you and your mother. You have to not only accept that that is the consequence, but also approach how you are going to deal with it.

Your relationship with your mother is something that you value; you would not be in this predicament if it wasn't -- make this clear to her. She needs to know first hand that you care about her. Make your relationship with her a priority, so that she focuses more on the person she knows rather than your career path. Everything isn't going to harmoniously settle over night, but if she cares about you, she will learn to be accepting. If her religious beliefs overpower her reasoning abilities, your relationship might be sacrificed. If you see the latter option more realistically being the case, (and something that would devastate you) I'd revisit the "timeline" paragraph above.

My MOH is Kind of Tacky

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 17:44:00 +0000

From: Worried Bride in SoCal

Issue: Dear FlaxRx, I am engaged to be married to the most wonderful boy in the world. This makes me very excited except for one small detail: My best friend will be my Maid Of Honor (MOH), and to put it delicately, her taste is a bit tacky. This normally doesn't bother me except that she expects that she will be in charge of planning my bridal shower. While I am grateful for her friendship and willingness to share this special time with me, I really dread the less than stellar party that she would undoubtedly plan. The rest of my bridal party has impeccable taste and know what I like, my MOH just doesn't seem to get the picture. Am I being too bitchy by wanting MOH to stay out of the planning process? And, if that's not too much to ask, how do I go about letting her know that her bridal shower services are not needed? I love her and don't want to hurt her feelings or cause a damper on my wedding and especially our friendship! Help!

Diagnosis: How wonderful that you are excited about your wedding and have a best friend that wants to help you with the pre-wedded bliss festivities! But some compromise has to be reached about the bridal shower before the whole event turns sour.

I think that you need to focus on the last comment that you wrote in your inquiry: "I love her and don't want to hurt her feelings or cause a damper on my wedding and especially our friendship!" To me this means that, above all, you care about her feelings and do want her to be included. In an ideal world, she would just stay out of it, or understand (the first time you tell her) that you would prefer if she were not involved. From what you explained, she expects to be involved -- wave goodbye to that ideal world.

Like I said, you are lucky enough to have a best friend that wants to help you (like marriage, for better or for worse), so I think it's best that you roll with the punches. Here are some tips to ensure that you are having the time of your life at your bridal shower, and it doesn't look like your friend's tacky taste vomited all over your guests:

1. Admit that she is going to be part of the planning process and discuss this with her. Don't let her get any ideas in her head without discussing it with you first. The longer you go without discussing her plans, the more her own taste will show up on the final product. Make sure that you two are on the same page, so that she doesn't run wild with planning scenarios that you would not enjoy. She ultimately wants to do what will make you happy, so communicating what you have in mind should not offend her.

2. Present ideas, color schemes, the guest list...etc. to her. Be specific and show photographs of examples if you can. This will remind her that it's your bridal shower. Even if she doesn't get your taste on a daily basis, this is a special occasion that she is involved with, and you have to ingrain your preferences for this event into her head.

3. Enlist the help of another bridal party member who more innately understands what kind of event you would enjoy. Tell your best friend that it would mean a lot to this other friend if she could help with the planning. That way you have a team member reinforcing your idea of a good time.

Relax as much as possible -- this should be fun! And no matter what ends up happening, you'll have a lovely day, surrounded by people that care a lot about you!

WTF?

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 04:23:00 +0000

From: Totally Unreliable in NoHo

Issue: This girl I work with keeps relying on me to do things when I've done nothing to give her the impression that I'm a reliable kind of guy, in fact going out of my way to prove just how unreliable I am. What can I do? Should I hit an old lady with my car and drive away when I know she's looking? Please help...

Unreliable in NoHo

Diagnosis: What is the girl's problem, "Unreliable"? You obviously have demonstrated that you don't have any follow-through skills (hope you don't list that you do on your resume) -- so what's next? I'll tell you WTF. People are going to believe what they want to believe. Your co-worker's vision of you must be far from reality. In her mind, you are reliable. Or you want to be reliable, but you just "get distracted." When you disappoint her, she'll make up any excuse up in her head to convince herself that you mean well. Get it? There's nothing that you can do. I'd definitely throw the "hitting an old lady with your car" idea out the window. Her mind is made up.

What I'm wondering is why you take so much pride in being unreliable? If this girl has more faith in you than you do in yourself, perhaps there are other people who would like you to be reliable as well -- other people that also have high expectations for you? Why are you okay with letting people down? WTF is up with you?

OMG I totally need your advice

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 02:16:00 +0000

From: Seriously, she was pretty cute

Issue: As I was walking down the street today I overheard a cute girl arguing with her boyfriend on the phone, and I'm thinking "Is this a good time to ask her out?" What do you think? 'Cause, seriously, she was pretty cute.

Sincerely,

Seriously, she was pretty cute in LA

Diagnosis: Well, "Seriously", the first thing that strikes me about your question is that you state that "she was pretty cute". Past tense. I'm assuming that you didn't approach the troubled lady, and as a result, she is just a memory. What good is her cuteness now? I could rant about seizing the moment and that you'll never know unless you try, but you want to know if you should have chatted her up.

Some gut instinct told you not to, otherwise I'd be answering a question about how to impress her on your first date, rather than a hypothetical what-to-do next time you are in this situation. You probably didn't want to be too forward or act like you were listening to her conversation. However, you were listening to her conversation, and sometimes you just gotta own up to your actions. At the very least, she'll know that you are a good listener. Women tend to enjoy qualities like that.

Why it's hard for me to give you a definitive answer is simple: (you've heard it before and I'll say it again) Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. A co-worker of mine shed some light on this situation for me. If, say, a woman approached a man who had just had a telephone argument with his girlfriend, the man might be keen to the girl-on-the-street. After all, he's angry at his girlfriend, the relationship might not be going anywhere anyway, and, (from what my co-worker explained to me) men have a "what's good for me right now" attitude, rather than thinking long-term.

Too bad for you, though, Sir Seriously, women do think long-term. If you had approached "she's so hot...BOOM!" girl on the street, her attitude might likely be "who is this creepy guy talking to me...i'm just pissed right now, but I totally love my boyfriend, and we'll make up later."

We all must strike a balance between living in the moment, and listening to reason. If you didn't think it was appropriate to talk to this girl, it probably wasn't. This is LA, you can find plenty of cute girls, so don't sweat it. I like this situation, though, because it is unique. The last thing that a woman wants to be approached with is someone stating the obvious (compliments about beautiful eye color, killer style, or rockin' tattoos fall flat). Your scenario here was odd enough that, if it was right, you two could have had an interesting conversation. Interesting conversation is hard to come by, but that sounds like another post...

Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start

noreply@blogger.com (Flax) — Sun, 05 Aug 2007 07:03:00 +0000

If you haven't rolled your eyes, and clicked on your browser's back button after reading the title of this post -- well, thank you, please read on. My shameless Sound of Music reference aside, I don't mean the "beginning" as so much the "root", "the foundation". So often when it comes to guidance we hear "let's get to the root of the problem." Sure, in theory the root of the problem is the magical land of all things healing. Discover that and you are on the road to recovery.

But who wants to do that? Not anyone I know. Think of the good old "I have this 'friend' who has problem x" (nudge nudge, wink wink), or any time that you blame the guy that cut you off on the 101 for why your day totally sucks (right.). We love dancing around what's bothering us. Doesn't this just perpetuate the problem, since -- again -- we are straying away from the root?

That's the point. The narcissism of the MySpace generation thrives on perpetuating problems. No one wants an answer because then the focus is taken away from the precious experience of "poor me". An answer, a solution, a change may never come, but wallowing in self-pity? Hey, that's something that I can get used to.

Wait a minute, what does narcissism and self-pity have to do with advice? Let me back track to my comment about the "MySpace generation."

I'm a self-described profile stalker. Hell, you know before I wrote this entry I logged into MySpace and Facebook. I'm just waiting on the edge of my seat to see who maybe added "Flight of the Conchords" to their "Favorite TV Shows" or "The Bourne Ultimatum" to their "Favorite Movies" (thank you Facebook Newsfeed). The fact that I want to read this information is as bad as those who keep their Facebook Newsfeed turned on and who opt to keep their profiles' public. If we didn't want others to know every silly little detail about ourselves, or have the desire to know every silly little detail about everyone else, we'd all be communicating in private emails; keeping our business, our private business.

Things would be simple. No more "Can you believe that I'm not in her top 8?", "Did you see that comment that A posted on B's page?," "That photo is so obnoxious, I can't believe it's his main profile pic!" Those comments would actually be as ridiculous as they really are, and not something that I have completely bought in to and accepted as an aspect of this day and age.

My point is, we like to complicate things, and that is okay. A complication is a distraction, and sometimes a distraction is the right prescription when dealing with a certain problem. I mentioned "the road to recovery" earlier and that is what I'm trying to get at. One needs to roll with the desire to complicate and perpetuate, rather than working against the grain. A one size fits all solution based on the "root" of the problem has nothing to do with the day-to-day of actually dealing with one. That is why this blog is about the exploring the path to the solution, and strolling down that path, taking the time to see yourself in the situation -- not rushing to a quick fix. Because, really, advice is tricky -- like criticism, if you will -- easy to give, much harder to take.