Flies on Congress

Optional Reading Material

2011-06-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

Hey there. It's been a while since I have posted anything here so I'll let you in on a secret. I have a new blog! Robot Hooker Party! Don't be scared. It's good fun. It's just another comedy blog kind of like this one.

I guess I should explain.

I decided to start a new blog which will be more my own thing and more my style. It will be updated A LOT more often but to do that it will be a little looser. Not every post will be as long as they are on here and they won't all be full on article length. I will share other funny stuff I come across that I think people should check out. Don't worry. I won't be posting every little funny thing I come across like a teenage girl tweeting about how much math class sucks. That would be annoying. And boring. And pathetic since I'm too old for that.

As for the name, Robot Hooker Party sounds like a joke I would say. Well, truthfully it was the only name I didn't hate after 24 hours and I would totally buy a robot hooker if I could afford it. I'd take it bowling.

The future of this blog is a little up in the air. I will still update here from time to time. My buddy, the co-writer on this blog, has been real busy with life stuff. He may or may not be back. And who knows, he may come by the new one for a post or two.

Anyway, come on over. We'll have a few laughs, drink some beers, and not let the party turn awkward late at night. They're just robots dude. They don't have feelings and won't call the cops on you. It's cool. Seriously.

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To Do List Before the Rapture

2011-05-20T08:57:00.001-07:00

As many of you already know, tomorrow is the Rapture. And since many of these kinds of predictions are never, ever, wrong, I have no time to spare for a day of sinning as hard as I can possibly sin.

Why sin? Well, some Christian denominations believe that if you convert and repent on your deathbed, that is enough to get yourself to Heaven. I plan to do that just before midnight tonight. You have to mean it though. Really sell yourself like a job interview. It worked for Joan of Arc.

Until then, here is my to do list today.

Covet thy neighbors goods. I would have done this sooner but my neighbors own shitty things. Seriously, a Dynex TV? Buy those only if you like buying things that purposely break, forcing you to buy the warranty. "Dynex! A quality TV on your forth warranty. Maybe"

Worship Zeus. I mean worship him like he's already out of style. He hasn't gotten much love recently. To do this properly though, I need 5 virgins, a goat, a ceremonial sword, and lots of wine. If I read my Ancient Greek texts correctly (they are in Greek. I don't read Greek), I need to slaughter the virgins and fuck the goat.

Covet thy neighbors wife. Not looking forward to this. A hard life of pumping out seven children and drinking a case of Schlitz a day doesn't do good things to your figure. Plus, I think she has a new STD called HI-Chlamynorreia-Herpcrab-V.

Try to knock out as many seven deadly sins as I can in one sitting. I'm going to go to the supermarket and buy ALL of the rotisserie chickens, envy their curves, bone them (heh), take pride in my grease covered body, eat them all as fast as I can, then get really angry at myself for being an unfit member of society. I would try to get sloth in there too but this seems like a lot of work.

Man up and watch Tommy Wiseau's masterpiece, The Room. It's also known as the "Citizen Kane of bad movies". You might not think this is a sin but I am setting aside an extra 30 minutes of repenting just for this. Another 30 minutes is needed for the cold shower I need to take after seeing Tommy naked due to the worst sex scenes ever filmed until I filmed myself having sex with a goat for Zeus.

Bear false witness by telling all my friends I've seen The Room before actually doing so. Wow, this commandment is lame and basically the same as lying. It's like they are padding the commandments to get to ten. That George Carlin. He was on to something.

Go to my parents house and wreck the place. There are not many parents, other than having Andrew WK as your father, that would consider this an honor.

Become a god myself! Or, an idol, according to the commandments. Damn. Kelly Clarkson is fucked.

Much of the day will consist of me screaming "Goddamnit!" for no real reason. Taking the lords name in vain is rather easy. Maybe I should take it up a notch and yell it while staring into a vanity mirror. That's like, double the vain. If I hold a copy of Vanity Fair in my hand while doing so, it will be the Vainiest thing I could do.

Finally, I don't really need to forget to keep the Sabbath holy since I have been doing that all my life. Plus, the Rapture is before Sunday. However, if I'm not taken into heaven during the Rapture, I'm going to punch Jesus right in his second coming mouth. Can't get more sinful than starting a fist fight with God.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical. I'm not actually going to do any of this....today.

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Patience Was a Virtue

2011-05-02T18:28:00.000-07:00

There is no doubt in my mind that society has little patience for anything anymore. This has become more evident since my car broke down a few months ago. Since then I have been walking everywhere and it has given me perspective (granted, walking only takes me an hour to get to work/home). We complain more about waiting than politicians complain about taxes and the exorbitant prices their escorts make them pay.

Oh okay. Glad to see this sidewalk is up to code.

It’s easy to see why. Everything is instantaneous now thanks to the internet and other digital media. Want to watch a movie? Hop on to Netflix or check OnDemand to watch it now. No more going to Blockbuster and having some 16 year old prick make fun of you for renting that chick flick for your very real girlfriend. Want the new Black Eyed Peas album? Go to Itunes, Rhapsody, or the other 15 imitators to download it right now for either your secret guilty pleasure album or to show everybody you know you hate music. Pirates are cool so you could always go to a torrent site for whatever, at least until it is inevitably shut down by the man and they file a $20 million lawsuit for those 32 songs and 7 movies you downloaded.

I think our lack of waiting on the internet has us mentally making connections to waiting for anything. We want crap now, like a spoiled three year old crying for some ice cream while inside a Brakes Plus. You’re just going to have to wait for it. Besides, you don’t want car mechanics making your ice cream. That is not chocolate syrup on your Sunday.

If patience is a virtue than being the type of person who thinks “oh my god why does the old hag in front of me in line have to BUY ONE OF EVERY SCRATCH TICKET I AM GOING TO BE LATE TO MY TEE TIME!?” is an acceptable vice. They should probably take up a pot smoking vice to mellow out.

Well, if he endorses it...

The point is we don’t have to wait too long for much anymore but one thing that will never be instantaneous will be travel. There is no “digital travel” medium. And by “digital travel” I mean magic or cool science fiction stuff with robots involved somehow. The closest concept would be teleportation but that seems like a pipe dream. I don’t know why though. Breaking someone up into millions of atoms seems safe to me.

Putting the atoms back together can have undesirable results too

In my time walking to and from work, I have witnessed a car honking it’s horn at another car because it didn’t take off the instant a stop light turned green, a truck hop a curb to go around a traffic jam, and at least three drivers giving me dirty looks because I had the audacity to use a crosswalk, thus delaying their trip by 10 pathetic seconds. Yeah, those 10 seconds will really make a difference when they compensate for the delay by running 3 red lights.

Think about it. People waste more time on the toilet. Having to wait for a few minutes is not a big deal. Traffic jams are not worth getting upset about because there is nothing you can do about it and God obviously hates you for trying to make it to work on time. Or the traffic jam might be from the car accident ahead caused by somebody who was eating a sandwich while driving, coincidently, because they lacked the patience to eat it before getting in the car.

It’s not just travel either. Having to wait 2 extra minutes for your next beer at the bar is not worth getting upset about since it‘s your own damn fault for being a shitty tipper and undressing the bartender with your eyes. The very eyes typically described as, “a little date-rapey“. People hate waiting at the DMV? Well we could actually do something about that like raise taxes to pay for more people to work the service windows. Oh wait, taxes is the one thing people hate more than waiting. People hate taxes with the same fury as my colon after enchilada night.

I love you right now but in three hours, we shall duel.

So relax a little. Take your time and stop bitching so much. People just need a little perspective. You’ll be less angry. Besides, we all hate airports and that shit is the worst. Like seriously, what do they expect us to do otherwise? Drive there?

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and will you PLEASE STOP riding your brakes down the mountain! I have porn to catch up on at home.

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Why TLC is the Worst Channel on Television, Part 3

2011-04-22T14:09:00.000-07:00

The executives of TLC have no line they wont cross. In this, the finale of my TLC trilogy, the worst of the TV shows are looked at. The children, oh god, the children.

TLC executives: "Children ahead! Film them!"

Outrageous Kid Parties.

Pop quiz! You have a 6 year old daughter and $32,000 to blow. Do you, A. put that money away to start a college fund, B. blow it all on her birthday party or C. buy cocaine and hookers for your own birthday party?

Answer D, show off wads of cash to friends.

Most people probably answered A. Some may have answered C, which they will soon regret when they contract an STD medical science thought only existed in Armadillos. But TLC’s Outrageous Kid Parties is all about the people who would choose answer B, thus teaching their kids that answer C, blowing a shit ton of money on bad decisions, is what is important later in life. Besides, we all know how well 6 year old kids know the value of a dollar.

It’s like these parents have decided to not be parents the rest of the year and spend all their time figuring out if they can sue Trojan for the broken condom. Kids don’t need extravagant parties to have a good birthday. They only need two things for their birthday. Presents and a rented bouncy house. Many kids might be happy with just the presents. Some might be happy with just the rented bouncy house. Adults would certainly be happy with just the bouncy house. I am pro bouncy house birthdays and events. More funding should be put into bouncy house cures for cancer. “Bouncy Houses for All” should be a presidential platform. We would have world peace if everybody had a bouncy house. Bouncy houses…fucking bouncy houses!

Ahem. Sorry. Give me a second, that’s all I can think about now.

All of my dreams. All of them.

Anyway, this might be the first show TLC has actually been ashamed of because I can’t find it anywhere on their website. They are hiding it like it’s drug money that the TLC executives forgot to launder. It’s not even in their past shows section. I know it existed. There are many articles about it. But maybe, just maybe, with the economy the way it is and most people not having a lot of money right now, airing a TV show about spoiled brats getting spoiled brat things is not a good idea.

Even if the economy was better, the show would still be a bad idea considering that whole cost of college thing. I can assume the parents are rich enough to not worry about that but what if they lose their job (jobs)? You know, because that doesn’t happen much recently. Plus, they might wish they had that money back when they need to pay for all the counseling when their kids grow up to resent their parents after finding out the real world, depending on if they develop an addiction to angel dust, isn’t all princesses and ponies.

Granted, they probably won’t resent their parents as much as these next kids.

Toddlers and Tiaras

In an era of Jersey Shore, Real Housewives of Various Cities, and whatever self parody VH1 has turned itself into, this show is easily the worst. This is a reality show where very young girls, and some boys, 9 and younger get involved with beauty pageants due to their insane parents. This is the female version of not getting over losing the high school football state championship game. Don’t let down your mom kid! She has demons! Personal demons like the time Bobby dumped her for the girl who would put out! Mommy will show that slut who is prettier by parading around her pretty little girl.

Just have fun sweetie. But seriously, don't fail your mother.

This show is a fine line between pedophilia and…whatever spawn of Roman Polanski this is. What do you call a parent who looks at their daughter and says, “You know what she needs? To be sexualized at a very early age. That will teach her valuable life lessons like…well, lessons…lessons, yes.” The parents may not overtly say this but some mental connection is askew, possibly from all the self-esteem prescription meds they are taking. What message do these parents want to get across anyway? To be shallow and vacant? It’s to be shallow and vacant isn’t it?

How many of these kids actually want to be in these pageants? In one video, a mom flat out admitted that she wants to turn her boys into girls. Oh, her background is in child development too, just to show being educated doesn’t mean your not completely retarded.

Wow! You can buy anything online.

What about young Karlee who said, “I want to be a cheerleader because I like to show my belly and that’s what cheerleaders do?” If only she had some parents around to notice the future slut red flags. Oh wait, whew, she has parents. False alarm. She is not an orphan. Thank goodness because I almost thought that was her mother who was taking her to, a…fucking tanning salon?!?! Great Roosevelt’s ghost! How can that be legal? Wait a minute. Whew, it’s just a spray tan. Nothing like painting your daughters skin like getting your car a custom paint job. That’s somehow better. Like getting a little stabbed with a knife is better than getting a lot of stabbed with a knife.

Oh. It gets worse. It gets so very much worse. Two words.

Butt glue.

Glue designed to keep a young girls swimsuit from sliding off her butt. Yes, this exists. No, I can’t think of anything funny to say. I’m kind of depressed now. I’m going to go rent a bouncy house.

In case you missed them, part one is here . Part two is here.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and I never want to write about TLC again.

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Why TLC is the Worst Channel on Television, Part 2

2011-04-15T16:44:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I wrote my first blog post making the argument that TLC is the worst channel on TV, basically calling it a mix of freak shows and idiots on display. Those shows are enough to prove my point but in retrospect, I could have made a much stronger argument. I left off some of the worst offending shows. I wasn’t hard enough on TLC.

TLC kills polar bears

So here is part two of my argument (with part three, including the worst two shows on the network, appearing next week).

Extreme Couponing

Firstly, some coupons are worthless since many coupon items are on sale anyway or they discount a pathetic 10 cents on an item, which is pointless unless you’re buying enough food to feed a crowd at a Nickelback concert. Secondly, you know coupons are a shit show when you get a high number of hits for searching “coupon scams” and “coupon myths”. Basically, it boils down to some coupons being worth it, some doing nothing, and some robbing you with their fancy math.

People who partake in “extreme couponing“, which is about as extreme as The Extreme Filling Out Tax Form 1040A Championships, didn‘t get the memo. They take up coupon cutting like a child, or rather sad adult, who just discovered Pokemon. Gotta collect them all!

Coupon storage box

Somehow, people who are really into saving money via coupon cutting is worthy of a TV show. It’s compelling theater. Watch as shopaholics spend the equivalent amount of time as a full time job cutting coupons and stockpiling products like there is going to be an imminent nuclear war. Marvel at six member families staying impossibly thin eating that much mayonnaise (fast forward to the 0.50 mark). Bask in the glory of a dumpster diver finding her fix like a heroin junkie with what sounds like a Jane’s Addiction cover playing in the background for unintentional comedy.

And seriously, who spends over $1,200 at the grocery store before using their coupons? Does your family have the metabolisms of Gary Busey on a week long Meth binge?

Four Weddings

Apparently TLC thought there wasn’t enough drama in a wedding so they created this terrible show where four brides go to each others weddings to decide whom had the best in order to win a spectacular honeymoon. Admittedly, that is pretty tame according to TLC standards. “What’s wrong TLC? You couldn’t fill all the contestants slots with brides that have brain tumors, compulsorily eat light bulbs, wear shower curtains as dresses, and are sexually attracted to fire?” To give the show credit, it’s not as borderline offensive or as blisteringly stupid as the others, but to pump the same amount of money as the GDP of Nigeria into your wedding in order to top the others tells me you could probably afford your dream honeymoon on your own. Well, you could before the wedding normally reserved for Columbian drug lords.

Losers are left to honeymoon here

And oh yeah, these brides are bitches. Since they fill out score cards on each other, they will nit pick any little thing in order to give their competitors a smaller score. They trash the traditional Indian wedding because of the food (yea xenophobia!). They trash the Catholic wedding because they had to get up a lot (yea laziness!). Another complained about a bride wearing bridal sneakers (yea stereotypical female shoe worship!). One bride complained about the appearance of the building the ceremony was in (yea architecture snobs?). Brides just love being judged for not being good enough on their wedding day.

"You're not using a sandy beach? How barbaric!"

Also, just in case anybody was wondering, the four brides change every episode which means four weddings every episode. This is not a show where they follow around four brides for an entire season showing all the planning going into the weddings too, oh no, this is much more painful. This is Chinese water torture. You wouldn’t think it would be that bad but the repetitive dripping of wedding after wedding will force all fans of this show (and lets face it, it’s all women, maybe some gay guys too) to get delusions of grandeur. Grandeur where they will refuse to marry anyone unless they can have a wedding ring made out of the gold from Fort Knox, have the ceremony on a comet, and sink millions of dollars into research to raise a zombie John Lennon to perform at the reception. Money well spent!

Part 3 is here.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical. I truly think TLC is awful but it gives me material so...

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Picking a Fight with Vague Craigslist Ads.

2011-04-05T14:10:00.000-07:00

I can’t stand vague Craigslist job postings. Having only 5 sentences barely telling you anything about the job is a sign the company is ran by human traffickers or the job itself is like trying to do dental work on a lion. In other words, the job sucks. If it’s just a company being lazy with their post, not willing to spend more than 2 minutes on their ad, then how are they going to treat their employees?

“We are seeking qualified candidates for our sales-cooking-engineering-telemarketing-fuck-you-over division of our offices located somewhere in the western hemisphere. Must be able to pass a background check, drug test, HIV test, withstand 80 bee stings, and talk Bubba out of stabbing you. Send your resume to identitytheft@suckmydick.com.”

This looks legit.

Sometimes you’re left to guess exactly who you would be working for if you respond to these since many don‘t bother to tell you. Sometimes it’s just a persons name rather than a company name.

“Who is posting this? What is a Willy Wonka? That can’t honestly be someone’s name can it? It sounds like the name of a boat engine part. Why does he have a maximum height limit and asks those allergic to orange paint need not apply?”

These nameless companies are coming straight forward with their lack of giving a shit about you. They don’t want you to read about all the negative reviews of the company online or just want you to work their until the robots are ready.

They're shipping next Monday.

After responding to one of these vague Craigslist ads, I had the following exchange (may have been totally fabricated):

Overly friendly job poster: “Hello JK-47. We have reviewed your Resume and would like to interview you for our office assistant position.”

Me: “Great, although I have a question about a detail in your Craigslist ad. In it, the details of the job is referred to as ‘clerical entry.’ I think you meant clerical WORK and DATA entry correct?”

Job poster: “No. No. It’s correct as is. But I guess if you wanted to call it data entry it would be alright. Is that some sort of new street term?”

Me: “I have no idea what your talking about. Did I just buy drugs? ‘Clerical entry’ makes no sense in any language.”

Job poster in a condescending tone: “This job requires you work for a clerical organization. We mean clerical as in a member of the clergy. You really should read more carefully”

Me: “And you really should be less cryptic. Clerical has multiple definitions. Maybe you should say it’s a ‘data entry position for a clerical organization.’ That would be much more clear. Clerical entry sounds like-”

Job poster: “-entering clergymen yes.”

Me: “I - um, wait.”

Job poster: “I work for an organization that specializes in finding alternatives too, well, let me put it this way. The Catholic Church needs new methods to help our sexually frustrated clergymen.”

Me: “Jesus! Okay you sick fuck. I get it. I‘ve seen the news. You‘re trying to buy hookers as an alternative to little boys. While that is admittedly better than the alternative, how about letting the clergy date rather than require them to be celibate? Or better yet, make them wear a shock collar that electrocutes them every time they have a boner?”

Job poster who thinks he is hip now: “Nah. We have enough money to pay for ‘data entry‘.”

Me: “That’s not the point and data entry does not mean sodomy…I think. I’m not a hooker. Plus, it’s funny how you realize that you could buy whores instead only after going the pedophilia route. Like you didn’t even consider it before.”

Job poster who is now an impatient data-hole: “Do you want to come in for an interview or not?”

Me: “What the fuck do you think?! Again, I’m not a hooker. Why do you and my neighbors keep thinking that?”

Job poster: “Okay well I need to contact some other applicants. Have a good day and God bless you.”

Me: “Fuck off”

No more vague Craigslist posts please. If you’re the poster, then I have no choice but to assume your trying to get me to do something illegal. And if your looking for a hooker, try a personal ad. Quit making this harder than it has to be. Don't make me find you! Oh yeah, I can't.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and no Craigslist ads were directly quoted. However if they were, oh man, so much blood.

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Why America Should be Fat

2011-03-28T08:43:00.000-07:00

Why America Should be Fat

America should just go with it. You’re fat America, and everything around you intends on making you fatter. Have you ever been to the Midwest? It’s 3,984 square miles of fried snickers bars and gunts. (A gunt is where a female’s stomach reaches down to her vagina). America you bang down 7 gram rocks because that’s how you roll, you only have one speed and that’s go; and, for that I love you.

In addition to the wide array of marketing gimmicks aimed at obese individuals .Certain businesses exploit and profit off of the fat boom in America. You can go to Wal-Mart, for example, and buy a pair of XXXL sweat pants for 3 dollars. Out-fucking-standing! Also, when’s the last time you were in an American car? They all have 12 cup holders that can hold 64oz double gulps. Personally, I don’t drive American because, “I’ve a horse outside.”

If you’re fat you are less likely to die in car accidents. Not only that, but you can survive long periods without food and water. It also takes more bullets to kill you. Fatties, don’t you even worry about drowning, because you lucky plump basterds float. Being fat is badass; it’s like being a sweaty wheezing superhero. The only thing that can kill you is the “beetus” or heart disease. So, com’on America! Everyone is doing it, be fat.

When you’re fat you get special powers. What’s that you say, “special powers”? Yes, special fucking powers; fat people are all instantly funny. Al Roker was funny as shit when he was fat. Now he’s just the saggy cornball weatherman. You will also be awesome at video games. The best call of duty player I know weighs 192lb. Did I mention he’s only 4’ 7” tall and in the fourth grade; he will “pwn” you while drinking a Code Red . 66 percent of Americans are fat…..com’on all the cool kids are doing it. Be fat.

In addition to being a pampered superhero, the food is better for fat people. Who would win in a fight between lima beans and a Twinkie wrapped in bacon, deep-fried, and covered with powdered sugar? The Twinkie would use its plastic wrapper as a condom to fuck the lima bean in the ass. The fat-people-food is also more readily available; I can name 5 places to get a hamburger by my house but I can’t think of one place to get a fruit platter. Com’on America just do it, you’re geographically designed to be fat.

Finally, when you’re fat, you don’t have to worry about sex anymore, because you can’t find your penis. Think about it, no more spending money, and no more baby-mama drama. On the opposite side, if you’re a chick there are 157,006,550 black dudes willing to bring you food and love you. Com’on America let yourselves go; get fat!

Summer of 2011: Predicting the Beginning of the End to Superhero Movie Dominance.

2011-03-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

In a little more than a month, the summer blockbuster season of movies will begin. Just one look through the coming soon section of IMDB says this is the summer of the comic book superhero movie. It’s even more so than the summer with Spider-Man 3 and X-men: The Last Stand, both of which did great at the box office despite the storylines deciding to massacre my childhood like a 13th century Mongol horde marching through Asia.

No. Just...no.

One of this summers movies is Thor, which will feature the 208th movie Natalie Portman has been in since November. Another is X-Men: First Class which has that guy from Wanted playing Professor Xavier, proving Hollywood is willing to take dumb risks. Then there is Green Lantern starring Ryan Reynolds, which is bad enough, but made worse by admitting it is going to be an Iron Man rip off. The big one, Captain America: The First Avenger, will probably be called “Captain Solider” for foreign audiences. There is even, yet another “normal guy becomes superhero without powers” comedy called Super being released in April since film companies feel like they have to compete by making the exact same movie as Kick-Ass.

The thing is, the public will eventually sour on superhero movies just like the public sours on anything once there is too much of it, except for Family Guy spin offs which I can only assume exist because Rupert Murdoch refuses to pay the ransom money. Oh yeah, and cooking competition shows.

I just don’t think that there is enough substance for this genre NOT to become stale. Superhero movies are going to be driven into the ground harder than Robin’s boner after watching Batman lift weights. They either ignore the source comic (Spawn), follow the comic too closely (Watchmen, although I like that movie), straight up copy each other like a college exam (many movies have copied Spider-Man 2 by having the hero quit), or decide the story can go fuck itself and just pump the movie full of CGI (every Hulk movie). These problems are not limited to comic book movies mind you, just that they are more apparent here because nerds like myself know these characters almost as well as we know wedgies.

Not to mention Superhero comics are really, really similar anyway. Common themes of secret identities, troubled pasts, lady problems, and living by self imposed morals blend the comics together like a superhero slushee. Coincidentally, many of the villains on these comics have tried to literally make superhero slushees, or, at least the over-the-top ones with Wile E Coyote sized blenders.

50% Iceman, 40% Wolverine, and 10% Gambit for a bit of spice.

Don’t get me wrong, I think there are plenty of great superhero movies, but can any of them be considered some of the best movies of all time? Here are four of the best.

X2. Ignoring the fact that nobody knows what this movies actual title is, the biggest problem I had with this movie was small plot points that seemed to be added for filler. For example, Stryker didn’t need to attack the mansion. If his end goal was to kill all mutants, he only needed Professor Xavier (who is hardly in this movie, just like how he is knocked out in the first one or just straight killed in the 3rd movie) and kidnapping the mutant students is unnecessary. It served to only piss off the X-men more. He also didn’t need to try and assassinate the president, which would have little payoff. Making the public even more fearful of mutants doesn’t matter because if all mutants are killed than who cares? What is the public going to do? Cut funding to his terrorist operation?

Spider-Man 2. Great movie but also has plot issues. Spidey loses his powers due to stress? That is like saying you’re too stressed out to take a shit. I find that hard to believe considering he got them from a radioactive spider...which is way more plausible. Besides, he gets his powers back the moment him and Mary Jane are attacked by Doctor Octopus. Apparently, having your wannabe girlfriend kidnapped for the millionth time by a robot tentacle man and having your life threatened is not stressful. I should get in more knife fights with cyborgs.

Iron Man. How good could this movie actually have been when I, and other people I’ve talked too, can’t remember much about it. Let see, a rich douchbag with no real super powers named Bruce Way- eh, I mean, Tony Stark becomes a superhero after building a robotic suit powered by his nuclear heart in the Arabian desert, or something. Then more stuff happens, then he fights a big Iron Man, then abandons the secret identity thing on television. The end. Now that I think about it, the plot sounds like a short story I wrote in 6th grade.

The Dark Knight. I’m not going to make any fans for this one… The Joker’s plans seem too based on luck and circumstance. He is pretty lucky the police truck carrying Harvey Dent would turn down the street with the goons waiting to take down any police helicopters. He’s pretty lucky having Harvey Dent taken to the hospital with explosives attached to it (Or, how did he know Harvey was there, thus deciding to use this hospital?). He is pretty lucky to have the one henchman with the cell phone bomb in his stomach captured when he is captured. He’s pretty lucky to have the hospital bombing planned at the same time the cops were going to raid the warehouse he was in after Maroney tipped off the cops. I know I am nit picking and I don’t need movie plots to be completely plausible, but this was just too much in the unbelievable zone for the more “realistic” Batman Christopher Nolan is trying to portray.

Remember, I like all of these movies and don’t think they are ruined with these flaws. Superhero movies just need to clean up the clichés and the plot holes, which are as common in superhero movies as explosions and military worship are in Micheal Bay movies, to push these movies from great to classic. So when Thor, X-men: First Class, Green Lantern, and Captain America all range from pretty good to gives you cancer bad, they will still make assloads of money and convince Hollywood to continue to make them until the ghost of Ed Wood reclaims what is rightfully his.

Hollywood should give this genre a rest for a while but won’t as long as the movies make money, but I believe that won’t last forever without some fresh ideas. And no, “gritty reboot” doesn‘t count (hello Spider-Man reboot). Besides, doesn’t Hollywood have other 80’s-90’s cartoons they could do live action reboots of? Transformers and GI Joe have been done. Thundercats and He-Man are waiting for their chance to make ass loads of money while sucking the chrome off of Optimus Prime’s exhaust pipe.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and I predict the Spider-Man reboot in 2012 will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. You heard it here first!

Follow me on Twitter. Contact me at jk47.foc@gmail.com

Cooking Competition TV Shows Need to Stop.

2011-03-17T16:41:00.000-07:00

It seems like at least half of television shows are some version of a cooking competition. Food Network is not alone in this but they are easily the biggest offender.

These shows run the gambit on cooking skill. Chopped is a show where experienced/trained chefs need to make meals out of bizarre ingredients picked by a 10 year old who likes cotton candy for breakfast or some sadistic asshole who has a grudge against restaurant menus. Worst Cooks in America on the other hand has terrible cooks competing for money and the chance to learn techniques they will never use at home. Seriously, these people will never debone a chicken again.

Demon Chicken has no bones.

Then there are shows like Next Food Network Star and Next Iron Chef which are competition shows to find somebody to be on another show. Viewers get interested in their stars during the competition than promptly forget about them once they win. Kind of like that Sanjaya kid from American Idol or winners of American Idol not named Carrie Underwood. Although the only reason people remember her is because they think she’s Taylor Swift, so it may not be the best of comparisons.

The godfather of cooking competition shows is Iron Chef America based on the original Iron Chef that was syndicated from Japan with cheesy English dubs and used sound effects that were rejected in Bruce Campbell movies. The original wasn’t popular in Japan but that didn’t stop network executives from thinking it was perfect for American audiences. And, depressingly, they were right and it bafflingly became a phenomenon. I swear most people just wanted to see the octopus episode because people are into slaughtering live cephalopods before they try to take over the world with their psychic soccer predicting abilities.

AHHHHH. They can fly too?!?!?

A new show, not on Food Network but NBC instead, called The Next Great Restaurant is a cooking competition where one of the judges is Steve Ells, the founder of Chipotle. He criticized a build-your-own wraps maker for not having a concept people would be interested in…as opposed to a build-your-own burritos concept? He basically dissed his own restaurants without realizing it. Maybe he did know and just didn’t want the competition since the difference between a wrap and a burrito is xenophobia. But if he really thinks a concept that is really similar to Chipotle won’t work, than Qdoba humbly requests you shut down. Also, nobody has any reason to believe he is a food expert. He might as well be an expert in John Boehner’s School for Climate Science since he is just spewing bullshit.

All the other shows are cupcake related or have Gordon Ramsey. Ramsey probably has a good case to call himself an expert since he has many successful restaurants, although apparently lots of screaming, not good food and service, is the most important thing to be successful. And nobody claims to be a cupcake expert because that title is lame. About as lame as pop culture comedy blogger.

So, why am I talking about cooking competition shows?
Because all of these shows are based on the premise that a food tasting expert is a thing that exists. The taste of food is completely subjective and the judging of food is based on arbitrary parameters looser than Paris Hilton on vacation in Singapore. Two people can have wildly different opinions on identical meals and these various judges are no different.

They call themselves food experts but nobody can become an expert in something that requires nothing to learn. People don’t have to learn to taste food (cooking yes, tasting no). There is no food critic dogma. Nobody likes anything overcooked? That’s not true. I dated somebody that likes burgers burned until they are as black as her heart. Cook all pasta al dente? Some people like it cooked soft due to our teeth hurting from too much soda, and because dentists are dicks. Never mix cheese and seafood? Martha Stewart will skull fuck you .

Dentist chair or medieval torture device?

Basically, the outcomes of these competitions are based on the arbitrary opinions of people who are not any better at tasting food than anybody else and thus based on luck. Winning a cooking competition means absolutely nothing, therefore, these shows as a concept have no weight on who is a better chef or cook among contestants.

There. Somebody said it. Can we stop making these shows now?

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and admittedly not my best.

Follow me on Twitter. Contact me at jk47.foc@gmail.com

Obsolete Technology People Don't Notice Much.

2011-03-10T12:31:00.000-08:00

There is a lot of obsolete crap still hanging around after new technology rendered them unnecessary. Many are obvious but there are a few that fly under the radar and largely go unnoticed.

Honorable mention to phone books which are unnoticed until you see them in front of your door only to immediately throw them away.

Wrist Watches

One of a bazillion things made obsolete by cell phones. Not like that has stopped my parents from buying me one as a gift every 5 years despite not wearing a watch since P Diddy was named Puff Daddy (speaking of which, what is a Puff Daddy? Some sort of marshmallow father?). Watches are nothing more than fancy bracelets like those Italian charm bracelets that were never popular in the late 90’s but I nonetheless wore. Why? Because my ex-girlfriend, also known as Whorbo Baggins, was a lunatic and thought it would look good. I have since grown a pair.

Watches could be more obsolete though

Travel Agents

Yes, they still exist. There are several near my home according to Google maps. Most seem to specialize in sea cruises which I find odd considering I live in Colorado. I can’t imagine they are any cheaper than their online competitors since they must have raised their prices to stay afloat, pun intended. They have always been middle men anyway since people could always buy tickets directly from the airline, cruise, hotel, etc. I guess travel agents can give more of a personal touch while planning your trip by claiming they have been to the place you’re trying to go too which is probably a lie. Your travel agent has been on the no fly list for years after taking a “History of US/Middle East Relations” class in college.

Fax Machines

If somebody asks if they can have something faxed to them, they should immediately be set on fire. Fax machines became obsolete the first time somebody figured out how to attach a file to e-mail. Congress should pass a law requiring the nation to go all Office Space on every fax machine in the country. Even when fax machines were useful, they were a pain in the ass. Every time I see “paper jam” light up on a fax machine (and printers) I go into a violent rage until I commit several felonies and wind up naked in the shit hole better known as Utah.

Some have started turning tricks on the street to avoid my paper jam wrath

Traditional Pay-Per-View Channels

PPV started out similar to On Demand (which is hilariously ran by a company called iNDEMAND. Under Demand, Around Demand, and Demand Demand all coming soon). It offers movies that you could rent after the movies were in theaters but before they came out on video. Traditional PPV channels still exist despite On Demand improving on the original concept, although, it's mostly just boxing, UFC, and porn now. The obsoleteness, which surprisingly is a word, of porn PPV is obvious with the internet. I guess some people never got the memo. Maybe it was faxed to them.

As for PPV boxing, I am amazed boxing still exists. Floyd Mayweather Jr. gets attention but he is a weapons grade asshole. Manny Pacquiao is popular but I doubt most people know what he looks like. Most boxing matches seem to go to decision in which judges score the fight with a system best described as a schizophrenic doing long division. Let’s see, 25 divided by buffalo, equals Mars, carry the lemon….Pacquiao wins 120 Donald Sutherlands to Antonio Margarito’s 108 Peter Framptons.

UFC would benefit from leaving PPV as it is gaining popularity and one trip to a sports bar airing a PPV UFC title fight shows that their fans are some classy individuals. I can’t tell what is more entertaining; the main event or the bar fights. Unless all MMA fights can break the stigma of being the sport for douche bags, which they are doing a poor job of with so many fighters being trained at Cobra Kai, it will remain a niche sport. Having the main event on expensive PPV channels next to Back Alley Sluts: Dumpster Humpster isn't good for exposure either.

Another type of "pay-per-view" but without fighting or boobs...usually

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and heavily tongue-in-cheek. But seriously, I will fuck up the next fax machine that gives me paper jam sass. Also, if my buddy reads this, you are not a douche bag.

You can Follow me on Twitter if you like. Contact me at jk47.foc@gmail.com

4 Stupid Criminals Who Are Incredibly Ballsy

2011-03-02T18:27:00.000-08:00

There is little argument about the stupidity and/or insanity of many criminals but one thing that is often ignored is the gargantuan balls criminals have to do some of the things they do. For example…

"I'm High on Cocaine!"

“When Tony Deloach crashed into a parked car he forgot about the cocaine-laced rolled bill in his Camaro until an officer found it. Deloach then screamed "I'm high on cocaine!" and tried fleeing on foot. He didn't get far.”

Well done. You got straight to the point by skipping the inevitable police question of “have you been using any illegal substances tonight?” That’s ballsy. Also, crazy. A battle cry like “I’m high on cocaine!” might scare some people but not when you start running in the other direction. Besides, with police involved, that profound statement may lead to the most hilarious chase sequence since Benny Hill decided to use chase sequences so much that they would be the only thing anybody thinks about when remembering Benny Hill. Not in this case however as you were already handcuffed and I don’t think Houdini did his amazing escapes while on drugs. Although if Houdini was on drugs during his shows, then sir, you are no escape artist. You’re more like a Rick James impersonator.

FYI - "He was just trying to buy the drink and got confused" does not hold up in court.

18,000 Prank 911 Calls

“An East Los Angeles man who allegedly made more than 18,000 prank 911 cellphone calls over six months was arrested Friday, the California Highway Patrol said.”

I see. The old “deactivated cell phone” trick so the cops can’t get the phone number or locate you. Smart. Too bad the rest of this story is idiotic, but gutsy still. 18,000 calls to anybody in a 6 month time frame is devotion sir. How the cops let it get to 18,000 calls is amazing in and of itself too but somebody has to test their resolve. Too bad you got caught by the California Highway Patrol though. Everybody knows the LAPD is the way to go if you really want to get your name out there.

The story does not say why you made these prank calls but I can only assume you are either a mind reader or from the future. If you’re a psychic, every sick and twisted thing you hear another person think makes you call 911 even when some of those things, like somebody imagining they are the Terminator while going on a violent rampage without an Austrian accent, is not plausible. Everybody knows the Austrian accent is a must. However, if you’re from the future, you are doing society a big favor by calling in every crime as it happens no matter how small the crime is. The police appreciate all the help catching those jaywalkers and their blight on human society. I'm sure they have nothing better to do.

Chicken Pisser.

"Police arrested a man who allegedly caused quite a disturbance earlier this week when he urinated on food inside a Kroger grocery store in North Little Rock, Ark."

Yeah! Fuck chickens! Who cares if they are already dead (or, at least I assume it’s a “they”. How else do you piss on $500 worth of chicken)? Those flightless birds have been mocking mankind for way too long by continuing to live for a minute or so after their heads have been chopped off. It's obviously some sort of witchcraft. Colonel Sanders was a well known practitioner of dark magic after all. source needed

Bonus points for doing this directly in the grocery store too. You don’t waste time. I know the store employees may frown upon this but somebody has to send a message to chickens everywhere that humans will not just fly the coop when the inevitable human-chicken war begins. Also, you are probably going to be registered as a sex offender now since you whipped your junk out in public. I’m sure people will not jump to any conclusions when they see your name on a sex offender map though. Just kidding. You’re fucked. That shit is never coming off your record.

Demon chicken will not accept this disrespect to his corpse

Burglary Nap

"A Malaysian court has slapped a five-year prison sentence on a burglar who was found sleeping in a house he broke into."

I can’t help but feel you're being a little unoriginal here although this feels classic. Nothing says, “I straight up don’t give a fuck” than taking a nap during your crime. That’s hardcore considering Malaysia doesn't fuck around when it comes to punishment. I’m amazed they didn’t execute you, not for burglary, but for being so brash about your crime.

I don’t know what your logic was while stealing and deciding something along the lines of "This is hard work. I have plenty of time for a nap." but I refuse to believe you thought that. I believe you valiantly threw two middle fingers into the air to the authorities by mocking their ability to arrest you with a well deserved break. You take inspiration from Thoreau except you were not imprisoned for a noble cause like ending slavery, so…wait, you’re nothing like Thoreau. You’re that guy who, while committing a crime, immediately forgets they are committing said crime. This is why your application to join Oceans 14 was denied. George Clooney would have left you sleeping at a bus stop.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical. Crime isn't worth it unless you're a super rich CEO. Chicken is too delicious to be feared.

You can Follow me on Twitter if you like. Contact me at jk47.foc@gmail.com

Dear Internet: Time to Retire the Lolcats Meme

2011-02-26T18:56:00.000-08:00

If you don’t know what Lolcats are then a.) welcome to the internet and b.) you’re not missing anything. Strangely, a lot of the internet thinks they are funny as hell and the greatest thing accomplished by a medium that can hold all the information in the world. That’s saying a lot. "What has unlimited knowledge for humankind produced?" you ask. Pictures of fucking cats with captions written like speech impediments matching the picture to produce something about as funny as Family Circus cartoons, as in not funny at all. It’s believed they originated where all stupid ideas come from, 4chan (good ideas come from there too, occasionally, but it's like playing Russian roulette with your sanity. Some images on there are best left unseen), so keep that in mind when thinking about this nonsense.

Everybody has that friend that talks to their pets in that weird, high-pitched, cutesy, voice like they are talking to a newborn child. Lolcats is the internet version of that only with less brain cells and the false belief that a goofy cat picture plus a poor grasp of the English language equals hilarious. This sounds like an idea Japan would come up with only Japan would take it to horrifying levels or at least make the cat 20 stories tall and fight Godzilla.

The thing is, cats aren’t as funny as their popularity would suggest. They can be funny from time to time but they are not “internet comedy sensation” worthy. Cats are egotistical, selfish, drama queens who act as if the universe revolves around them. Actually, that may be true of the fatter cats having actual gravitational pulls but the point stands. Cats are jerks. I have never met a cat that didn’t claw me for no reason whatsoever. Dogs on the other hand all love me and they are just as popular as cats but by internet standards, less funny. Some dogs love me to the point of love making with my leg. I know some say dogs hump other males to claim dominance but I think they just find me charming and sophisticated. And sexy. Dogs attracted to me is hilarious because I don't look anything like a dog but I will admit to kind of smelling like one after a trip to Taco Bell.

The text part of a Lolcat photo is the worst part. It is called lolspeak and it's only slightly more legible than leetspeak. I have grudgingly come to accepting some lolspeak like, well, “lol”, despite it playing a part in slowly turning the English language into something where evry wurd is speld pho-net-ik-ally or at least abbreviated. Lolcats has determined that if cats could talk, they would do so as if they have severe brain damage from eating too much mercury tainted tuna. Well, at least that is how kids start to talk after they drink the mercury inside a thermometer…maybe. I’m not a doctor.

Diagnosis: "You have a deadly infection. Oh sorry. U haz a dedley invecshun."

The popularity of Lolcats is the most astounding part. Comedy is subjective but people like Lolcats similar to the way they like cheese, they think it can be added to anything even when it slowly kills them on the inside and ruins their fish. I’ve seen Lolcats in newspaper comment sections, message boards devoted to My Little Pony (don’t ask how I know this), and on hockey blogs despite cats being near dead last in things that come to mind when you think of hockey, the Florida Panthers notwithstanding. They are so popular you can’t ignore them. At least bad TV shows are limited to certain stations and you need to make more of an effort to see a bad movie but not Lolcats. They are like bad music. Bad music is unavoidable as they exist in the background of restaurants and shops just like Lolcats exist in the comments and forums of many websites. They are as unavoidable as getting pissed on at R. Kelly’s house.

So I say Lolcats needs to be retired. Its run its course. Who is with me? Most internet memes would have died out by now. There is a reason the Rick Roll has faded away. It gets old. Lolcats was never funny and has passed the point of old. When the first Lolcat appeared on the internet in 2005, George W. Bush was starting the first year of his second term presidency, Star Wars Episode III was in theaters pussifying Darth Vader, Jack Johnson was inventing the crappy “white douchebag with acoustic guitar” genre of music and Myspace was still a thing.

The funniest thing to ever come from a cat related joke is “kitten mittons” anyway. I know that won’t stop Lolcat people from trying but it's futile. It's all been done. Time to move on too, say, spiders. They haven't gotten much of a comedy treatment and could really use the love.

"I just want to be loved. Oh sorry. I gust wan tu be luved."

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and I don't really give a shit about Lolcats. I promise my next article will not be on such a hack topic.

You can Follow me on Twitter if you like. Feel free to makes joke tweets about the Academy Awards with me. Contact me at jk47.foc@gmail.com

Celebrities that suck at stuff

2011-02-23T09:20:00.000-08:00

Worst Cross over’s

Sometimes when athletes, actors or musicians are at the apex or the twilight of their careers they decide to attempt a crossover. Be it an actress that tries to be a country singer or a Rapper that attempts to president of Haiti (Really, Wyclef?). Maybe the person’s entourage tells them that their music is amazing, or maybe they get nominated for an Oscar and are like, “I’m going to make a fucking country album, how hard can that be?” Now, let’s make fun of some people that took risks and tried new things.

Vote for Clef

There are a bevy of juiced up jocks that try to master “the sweet language of angels.” I don’t know of one athlete that has gotten close to creating a worthy album. Ever heard Shaq’s LP or John Daily’s country album? They are atrocious; but, neither are as hideous as Carl Lewis’s “Break it up.” I love Carl Lewis; the man has 19 gold medals. He is one of the best athletes to ever come out of the red white and blue’s womb. Have you ever been kicked in the nuts and the only thing getting you thru the pain was knowing it’s going to be over soon, well this video is like that. After watching it I was so embarrassed for Carl, I couldn’t make eye contact with other humans for eight days. I just rolled up in the fetal position and cried. It’s painful, but please watch until the end of the video and, explain to me what the fuck is going on.

Mos Def, Justin Timberlake and Marky Mark all are decent actors. Have you seen Marky Mark in the Departed? My boy’s got mad acting skills. Some musicians can act but, for the most part they suck at it. Louise Veronica Ciccone, aka Madonna, makes that chick from twilight look like Judy Dench. I know what some of you are thinking, “Aww, Madonna won a gold globe in Evita.” First, I want to start by telling you to go fuck yourself. Second, she appeared in six movies from 1980 to 1991 where her acting was so atrocious that it makes that golden globe null and void. However, there is one pop star that stands out. In 1991, the movie “Cool as Ice” came out. It’s a rap oriented re-make of "Rebel Without a Cause," starring Vanilla Ice. A lot of you just rolled your eyes back and uttered, “shit I remember that.” If you are one of the people lucky enough to be born before 1983, you know of what I speak. If you haven’t seen it…well I just watched it and half way thru I broke a beer bottle in-half, ran across the room screaming, and stabbed my TV for 20 minutes.

Now it’s time for my favorite crossover, Actors that put out music. Jared Leto from 30 Seconds To Mars made an ok crossover. There are three actors that come to mind when I think of bad celebrity albums. Russell Crowe: it’s just plain awful. Steven Segal’s “Songs from The Crystal Cave” album includes a wonderful reggae track where he expresses “Me want the poonani, see for make nice.” That’s right ladies Stevey has a hankering for your poonani’s. Then I came across a rare piece of music entitled “De-Pressed” written by Cory Feldman. Cory has put out four albums, and I have no clue how. I have listened to all four albums. Words can’t describe how shity they are. The lyrics sound like some 8^th grade girl wrote them. He puts a saxophone solo in every other song to add some maturity and class; because, nothing says class like a sax solo in a rap-rock song about Michael Jackson molesting you. To top it all off he can’t sing, it just sounds like Michelangelo from the ninja turtles screaming over a symphony of cats getting sodomized by rakes. God took the wrong Cory! With all that being said, I highly recommend it. I have his song, “Soul Search part3” as my ringtone.

Virtual Reality Sex (It would suck).

2011-02-20T18:44:00.000-08:00

All I really want is a real life Star Trek Holodeck. Is that so much to ask? A fully submersive virtual reality where anything, and I mean anything, is possible. It would be the greatest invention the world has ever known. Who wouldn’t want to spend an afternoon fighting ninjas, shooting robots with lasers, eating mushrooms with Mario, getting drunk with Frank Sinatra and boning Anne Hathaway on top of Mount Everest while simultaneously playing the ass kickingist guitar solo the world has ever heard? Nobody, that’s who!

In the 1980’s and 90’s, as technology pushed onward full steam ahead, a future full of awesome Holodecks seemed possible. Computers were getting faster processors and larger hard drives for all that porn slowly downloaded from dial-up modems. Video game systems were fighting a proxy war via plumbers and hedgehogs which no prophets predicted. CGI was making it’s debut in the theaters in movies like Terminator 2 and Jurassic Park which impressed some film makers so much that they decided CGI is the only thing needed to compensate for awful, awful storytelling. It was only natural to wonder what was the next step but the consensus goal came down to one thing; virtual reality.

This does not help the goofy nerd stereotype.

Virtual reality was the most hyped future advancement during those decades. Flying cars, bionic body parts, space travel, and fucking hoverboards all came second to VR (and ignoring hoverboards should be deemed a crime against humanity). Tech companies played around with all sorts of headsets and other peripherals to achieve a fully submersive 3-D environment in which somebody can live out their disgusting fantasies. It wasn’t just about trying to achieve realistic 3-D environments you could see but actually be a part of, kind of like combining a 3-D movie with a video game. Basically it’s Scott Pilgrim vs. The World except the always awkward Michael Cera is not awkwardly turning Scott Pilgrim into a much more awkward character than he is supposed to be. Instead, you get to play Scott Pilgrim. It should be noted, Mary Elizabeth Winstead can stay on as my Ramona though. She can “stay on” my anything.

Do the carpets match the drapes?

While investors where looking to put virtual reality in all kinds of fields, the general public only really cared about it’s uses for entertainment. The questions consumers ask about new technology are: “How do I have sex with it?” and “Will it judge me for the things I use it for?” So it should come as no surprise when many people thought virtual reality would be a knock out for sex when sex with anybody would be possible in theory.

Than people saw Demolition Man.

All cops in the future will look like this.

In the 1993 movie, there is a scene between Sylvester Stallone and Sandra Bullock in which they engage in the lamest sex scene of all time via virtual reality headsets. Bullock seems to get a kick out of it because it’s all she’s ever known but Stallone is confused and a little angry. That may not be a fair assessment however as all of Stallone’s characters always comes off as “a little angry” but the point stands.

It would be fine if it was replacing porn but in this scenario the VR replaces a willing participant making the device unnecessary. Why anybody would think this is an upgrade is a little too obsessed with technology, not to mention in Demolition Man the woman happens to be Sandra Bullock. Hell, I’m amazed Sylvester Stallone didn’t go all Rambo on the offices of whatever company made the VR sets when he was cheated out of sex with Bullock. His boner would have to be classified as a lethal weapon.

The movie gave people the impression that VR will never be real enough. They want VR sex to be as real as possible because they can’t get the real Anne Hathaway, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Sandra Bullock or whoever. VR is limited to simply being 3-D porn and having to slay the crotch dragon by yourself for any physical stimulation.

In remembrance of the slain crotch dragon. It was gracious in defeat.

Virtual reality can’t reproduce the “physical” aspect of sex no matter how hard they try. (Wait, something with electrodes. Yeah, electrodes attached to your junk! That might work. Don’t knock it till you tried it!) Besides, how physically real would you want it to be if you use the VR to fight alien ninja’s and take a katana to the midsection? How physically real would you want it to be when you are fighting a demon when it possesses you and turns you into the Crypt Keeper? How real do you want your creepy furry sex when you contract a rare disease that normally only rabbits get? It can’t be real enough for sex, but for other fantasies there is a limit to how real it should be.

Plan B, a hat made out of fantasies and the tears of children.

But I guess virtual reality’s offspring known as modern 3-D is good enough for most people. Nobody really cares about the fully submersive virtual reality anymore and the argument that VR sex would suck played a large part. Luckily, we have Japan’s booming sex robot market to fill the void of virtual sex. Sure, the robot is mostly a glorified blow up doll and sure, it’s cold, lifeless eyes will haunt your nightmares until you need years of therapy, but at least it’s physical. It’s worth it even when you go to the doctor to describe your urinating as a painful electric discharge. Just tell the doctor how awesome the sex with your robot girlfriend is and he or she will totally understand.

But as for the aforementioned Holodeck, it’s only a pipe dream right now. I’m not bitter (yes I am) and have come to accept this (no I haven’t).

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and not to be taken seriously. I do not own a Japanese robot girlfriend but can't help being a little curious.

Ramona is a character from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. The film is owned by Universal. Demolition Man is owned by Warner Bros.

Follow me on Twitter or contact me at jk47.foc@gmail.com

4 reasons my wife is going to leave me

2011-02-18T05:34:00.000-08:00

Articles My Wife wont let me publish

The first one is, four diseases I think are funny. I think it would have been hilarious. I had multiple Michael J. Fox jokes. I was going to throw in some Jay Cutler Wilford Brimly comparisons (i.e., the beetus). I had a killer joke about how Native Americans don’t drink alcohol it’s just that 79 percent of them are born with Cerebral Palsy. Yes, I know, that was both racist and insensitive. Oh well, I’ll live….(unlike some people on that list.) BAM, see the jokes write themselves.

The beetus

The next article my wife would prefer that I not write is: “Why I hate Dan Marino.” I actually wrote this one. It was a solid 800 words and it had pictures. I thought it was great, then I let some people read it. I was told it was nothing but an 800 word death threat. I didn’t think it was that bad. My buddy is a lawyer; he read 3 lines and stopped and said, “You will be arrested if you publish this.” I will put it this way: Dan Marino, if you’re reading this, it was 1997 December 17^th at the Walgreens in Fort Lauderdale. You know what you did, you fucking washed-out, leather-skinned cocksucker.

Smug sonof a bitch

This next one could have been awesome! I was going to title it “My Sister In-law. The Big Fat Whore.” Now, I never actually wrote this one; there was just too much research involved. Trying to find out how many men she had slept with was a job for Steven Hawking; that man has a firm understanding of math and giant holes that suck everything into them. Towards the end I realized I should have got the number of men age 19 to 53 who live in Illinois and subtracted 19 percent, to account for gays. The answer is 3,184,000 by the way. When My wife found out what I was writing about, she was pissed. The weird part is I never specifically named any of her three sisters, and she couldn’t tell which sister I was writing about. So, all my wife’s sisters are incredible whores and that’s just too much math. I would have had to figure out a formula to determine if one male had sex with all of them or just one, or two of them; I mean, that’s just bullshit.

Drunk Sluts

With all the talk about rape in the news I thought a good topic would be “ top five rape scenes in movies.” First of all I had no clue how many movies had rape scenes in them, (I’m talking to you the 80’s). After thinking about it, I just couldn’t stomach watching Jodie Foster get humped on a pinball machine by five rednecks. I gave up on it. I told my wife I needed something to write about and she asked what my last idea was; I told her. I look back at it and realize what a mistake I made. She, without hesitation, pulled back and man punched me in the face. After I stopped crying she explained how rape is never funny. Later that night after everything had calmed down, I hid in the bathroom with the light off and jumped out and slapped her in the face, and was like “ Was that Funny!”. Later the police officer explained to me that domestic abuse is not funny. I don’t think I understand funny anymore, she is a cruel mistress.

Not Funny

7 Places to See Free Boobs

2011-02-15T06:01:00.000-08:00

Who doesn’t love boobs? We have compiled a list of the best places to see free boobs, because lets face it nobody wants to pay a 25 dollar cover charge to see some hag with a caesarean scar and cigarette burns shake her nasty boobies. So without further ado, I bring you the best place to see free boobies.

Mardigras. If you like young middle to upper class white boobies, this is where you should be. For the price of some plastic beads, you can make young drunk white girls flash you the boob. This is nothing more than an excuse for these inebriated girls to do what comes naturally; namely, pull their shirts up and scream, “WOOOO, I’m so wasted, Mardigras, WOOOHOOO.” It’s important that the individual scream the name of the event they are at when said girl flashes her boobage.

My Tenth Birthday. Believe me you would have seen some boobs. After my mom has about 5 sambucca and cokes, she likes to show everyone how “free spirited” she is. I will never forget it. As soon as I blew out my candles wishing for a new nerf gun, my mother pulled up her shirt and screamed “WOOOO, I’m so wasted.. My Baby’s Birthday, WOOHOOO MOTHERFUCKERS!” Fourth grade was tough.

The Office X-mas party. Oh hell ya! There gunna be some boobies! Every office has at least one girl that will drink too much, flash her boobies, make out with some random dude, and puke. Not always in that order; but, for the guy being kissed, it’s preferred. If you are lucky your office will have more than one of these girls. It’s natural for them to engage in a competition of how many times they flash their boobies. All night at the party you will hear “WOOOOO, I’m so wasted, MERRY CHRISTMAS, WOOOHOOO!” in the back ground. It truly is a Christmas miracle.

Sturgis, South Dakota. Every year in South Dakota, massive numbers of middle-aged people gather. Not, as you might think, to see Mount Rushmore; instead, they ride their motorcycles around and get drunk, fight, and flash some titties. Be forewarned, these are not your nice Mardigras boobies. They are giant, fake, scary boobs. The formula is simple: no beads or dollar bills needed. All you have to do is scream, “HEY YOU, SHOW ME YOUR TITS!” and by some big fake titty magic they appear.

Cancun, Mexico. Always! You will always see boobs in Cancun. I once heard a girl scream “WOOO, IM SO WASTED. FLAG DAY! WOOOHOOOOO!”

Lynard Skynard Concert. All Skynard concerts, but also, every Kid Rock and Jimmy Buffet show, and others of their ilk. Once again you are warned. You go to a Skynard or Buffet concert you will see boobs, but they are sad boobies: old, fat, blue, veiny boobies. These chicks drink so much they forget that they are 53 year old substitute teachers. They smoke so much pot that they are whisked away to a time when they were much younger, hotter, and tighter. I have seen a 240 lb women manage to pull her tight tank top over three levels of rolls, only to have her floppy sad boobs slide down to her belt buckle as she screams, “WOOO, I’M WASTED. BUFFET! WOOOHOOO!”.

Spring Break. Then there is always Spring Break motherfuckers. Spring break.

A Review of 6 Bad Valentines Day Gifts

2011-02-11T18:32:00.000-08:00

Valentines Day is easily one of the most commercialized holidays on the calender. Though a lot of the gifts revolve around roses, chocolates, and jewelry; that won't stop companies from coming up with bad gift ideas to milk every last dollar.

Personalized Mouse pad

Such a nice place to put a picture of your sweethear t. Right under you steamrolling their face with your mouse. How often does anybody ever look at their mouse pad anyway? You might look for the mouse to grab but the pad itself is just background filler. This gift says the best place to display a picture is a place you don’t have to see it too much.

Anybody who has owned a mouse pad for longer than, oh I don’t know, a year, can tell you how much those things fade and collect dirt. You might as well have put the picture in an ashtray where you can double the fun of covering your loved one in filth by fantasizing about putting cigarettes out on their face.

Silver Plated Fortune Cookie
With this gift, you get to write your own fortune which is stuffed inside a silver fortune cookie. It also comes in an incredibly tacky Chinese take out box packed with tacky red raffia and an incredibly tacky Chinese character for love is printed on the outside of the box for your most tacky of tack-tackular holidays.

When describing fortune cookies, the last thing that comes to mind is “precious metals”. There are a lot better Valentines Day gifts made from silver, like jewelry, so it feels like getting a silver fortune cookie is an insult. That’s like telling your lover you plan on taking her to a sushi dinner for Valentines Day but instead coming home and slapping her in the face with a dead fish.

Tabletopics Couples Edition

The perfect present for couples that don’t communicate very well. There just isn’t anything as subtle as a card that you draw from a deck telling you what to talk about. Brilliant.

“Happy Valentine’s Day sweetie!”
“Thanks honey. I hope this is that necklace I wanted.” she says while opening her present
“Uh, necklace? What necklace?”
“Conversation starters?”
“Yeah, I just thought, you know, we don’t talk anymore and this might help.”
“Like how I got no response after telling you about that necklace I liked last week. You never listen.”
“How do you like your present?”
“It sucks.”
“…What are you trying to say?”

Prescription Red Hots

You know all those PSA’s that used to air on TV to remind parents to tell their children that drugs are not candy? Well fuck that to hell with red hot candie s in a disturbingly accurate prescription drug container. They even come in the same white bags prescription drugs come in.

I don’t have any problems with this product per se, but you can’t help thinking some idiot will give this to his or her children causing the kids to think “nothing goes better with Kool Aid then Vicodin!” Edit - The author would like the apologize for that last joke. That was in bad taste. Ahem. Next Valentines Day, you can buy your kids a Spongebob Oxycotton Pez dispenser!

Lovopoly

What better game to give a love theme too when the original was about making your opponents homeless? If one thing makes me think about love, sex, or general human compassion, it’s certainly Wall Street. I also don’t think there is anything more romantic than getting free parking either.

What exactly is the currency in this game anyway? It’s probably something cutesy like kisses or batting your eyelashes. Wait, how is the currency collected? If they really wanted to make this game as close to real Monopoly as possible, you would collect money when the opposing player lands on a spot you currently have hookers on. They take the place of houses and hotels. I know hookers aren’t really what you think of when you think about love but they’re certainly closer to the Monopoly theme of draining your money and laughing at your genitals. If there is no crying in Baseball then there is no love in Monopoly.

Valentines Day Toilet Paper

Now we’re really into the shit…literally.

At first I thought this might be some kind of anti-Valentines Day gift but no, ready the message. “I love you from top to bottom”? What kind of message is that to put on toilet paper? Why does there even need to be a message on toilet paper? Besides, “…top to bottom”? Who wipes that way? Edit - Okay. Now that joke was in bad taste.

Disclaimer - This column is satirical and not to be taken too seriously. If you get one of these gifts for Valentines day...I'm sorry. Kinda. Not really.

Follow me on Twitter if you're in to that sort of thing.

Six People You won’t Believe are on the NRA’s Blacklist

2011-02-09T11:13:00.000-08:00

Six People You won’t Believe are on the NRA’s Blacklist

they were put on the NRA’s “blacklist”. They are described as enemies of the NRA. http://www.nraila.org/Issues/FactSheets/Read.aspx?ID=15

Jodi foster said that “guns don’t belong in the hands of Americans they were to nervous and scared to be able to have guns” and she thinks “guns don’t belong in America”. In the movie the “Brave One,” she learns how to handle a firearm and hunts down dudes for revenge. While she is seeking out her revenge she stops a store robbery and almost gets raped on a subway car. She shoots and kills six people. After watching this “film” I went out and got a gun in fear of my enviable rape on a subway car. This whole film is practically a huge commercial aimed at women to encourage them to buy guns.

Matt Damon: I quote, “Guns freak me out.” –Matt Damon. He looks pretty comfortable when he was blowing people’s faces off in the Bourne series. In the Bourne films he murders 10 people that’s the size of an average preschool class. I’m not saying he killed a class of preschoolers, but as Mr. Bourne he would rip through those kids like Good Will Hunting through a wicked hard math problem.

Jack Nicholson is anti-hand gun, unless he needs a four foot gun to shoot down the batwing. When the joker wasn’t busy killing everyone in Gotham via chemical warfare, he was shooting them. In the movie “The Departed,” he pulled a real gun on Leonardo Decaprio in order to add some realism to a scene. In Prizzi’s Honor Jack plays a hit man. In Batman and the Departed alone he kills 40 people.

Sean Connery (or as you may know him, James Bond), is an enemy of the NRA. In my opinion, he should be the NRA’s mascot. He travels around the world shooting people, drinking, and making manly love to hot chicks. He made killing people look cool; I never wanted to kill anyone until I saw my first Bond film. Now it’s all I think about. In “You only live twice” he kills 18 people. That’s in one movie, all together James kills 43 people.

Robert De Niro. That man has made a career out of shooting people. This is of course before the Meet The Fockers franchise… never mind he actually had a gun in them. De Niro used to be gangster. He was like Ice Cube before Disney got a hold of him. (I’m so disappointed in you Ice Cube). When Charlton Heston saw Heat for the first time it gave him a hard on. In only eight of his movies he kills 32 people.

Sylvester Stallone is on the N.R.A’s blacklist. When we first saw this we assumed it was for portraying guns ONLY as tools for shooting people. What we found out instead was he went to an anti-gun rally. THE FUCK! Have you seen any movie made in the 80’s? I’ll break it down for you: they involve people getting shot and Stallone was in all of them. The only movies he did that didn’t involve shooting people were the Rocky’s, in those he just bashed faces in. If you got hired in as an extra in a movie and Stallone walked on set you’d be like “SHIT! Maybe after he shoots me, I’ll die face up for some camera time.” He was the Babe Ruth of killing Burmese people In the latest Rambo. Now a days he makes sad movies trying to “get the band back together,” but when the band gets back together it kills an island of people! In the Rambo movies, 492 people get killed. Stallone going to a anti-gun rally is like Mel Brooks going to a ham eating contest. The shit just don’t make sense.

Jamming with JK-47. Feb 8th 2011

2011-02-08T18:34:00.000-08:00

This is a new installment which I just write and joke about what's on my mind at the moment. The intent of these posts are to provide content when working on big articles (my next article might be in installments because I just have too much to say for a single article. It's already at 900 words and I still have several points to bring up). It's not like we have the readership to really need this but a blog without regular content looks abandoned. These posts will also be more free style than my main articles and not nearly as heavily edited. So without further ado...

Thoughts on the Super Bowl

I have to be honest. I was not really looking forward to this game. The Steelers in yet another Super Bowl? No thanks. Add in the fact that I don't feel one way or the other about Green Bay leads to a Super Bowl I could care less about.

I barely watched it. I put it on the TV but spent the game dicking around on the internet. I didn't watch most of the commercials either because I don't give a shit about them. Also, when some people claim the commercials are the best part, what does that say about the main program?

I'm glad the rapist lost though. I always thought Ben Roethlisberger came off as a raging donkey boner.

Glee

My girlfriend is watching Glee as I write this. I never understood the appeal to this show. It's cheeky and fun with some drama mixed in, which is usually a good format for quality, but I just can't get into it. It's like a much cooler version of High School Musical except only a few of the actors look the proper age. Also, saying it's a cooler version of a shitty musical isn't saying much.

Colorado Avalanche

As some of you may know, particularly those from MHH that found this post via Twitter, I am a huge Avs fan. Unfortunately my beloved Avs are falling out of the sky like the Luftwaffe over London circa 1940. While the return of Peter Forsberg is intriguing, I am spending time during games doing other things rather than giving the games my attention.

I'm not the type of fan to call somebody else a non-fan for not watching because I am starting to get turned off from watching many more games this season. I am turning into one of those fans. My reasoning is, why keep watching something that is only going to make you depressed and angry? It doesn't make me any less of a fan. I just don't like feeling like crap.

They are not out of the playoff race yet but its getting dire. If they don't turn it around soon, I will start looking forward to the NHL entry draft. That's right. The Avs might be so bad, I might watch a draft over an actual game.

Fucking hell. I need a shot.

Follow me on Twitter if you're in to that sort of thing.

Common Types of Super Bowl Viewers

2011-02-04T09:00:00.000-08:00

Last years Super Bowl had more than 106 million viewers. It’s the most important game of the NFL season and every NFL fan tunes in. But the game has become such an event, even people who don’t watch a lot of football will watch this game. I've taken it upon myself to point out these types of people so they don't ruin the game for you.

The “My friends, brothers, wife likes team X and so do I” person

This person cheers loudly for every unspectacular successful play for their team while boos mercilessly after every play against. They usually know who the quarterback is…but nobody else on the team. They might wear a jersey or some other kind of paraphernalia which they won’t wear ever again. Hard person to try to talk too as everything about them screams fake. If their team loses, they won’t ever watch the team again. If their team wins, they won’t ever watch the team again.

I bet this guy couldn't name one blind referee.

The “I’m only here to watch the commercials” person

They are glued to the TV for every timeout but don’t bother to watch the actual game. In order for them to get their fulfillment, they hush everybody else to make sure they can hear the commercials and become indignant if you try to persist with a conversation during them. Once the game resumes, they will dissect the intricacies of the commercials to somebody who probably doesn’t give a shit. Not surprisingly, many of these people went to film school or lied about going to film school. Typically not found in a bar so that is your best bet if you want to stay away from them

The “I bet on everything in this game” person

The gambling addict has money on every little thing you can possibly bet on in Las Vegas. They make sure to let everybody know they won $50 at the end of the first quarter because the game is tied at 3 or because there was exactly 3 sacks in the game so far. When they lose they are much more quiet. You can tell when they are losing as they begin to drink more and withdraw from the rest of your group. If things really go south, you might just be able to catch them crying in the bathroom by the end of the game or offering to sell you their shit.

"Norwegian Slot Machine? Ah fuck it. Put me in for fifty."

The “I’m in an office pool” person

Similar to the gambling addict above but more annoying. They only have $20 riding on the game. This person often has a nearly impossible score to achieve in order to win. They will root for one of the teams to score a field goal and a safety, but no more than that by halftime. Also, they will complain when the coach refuses to go for a meaningless 2 point conversion because they had the bad luck of having an 8. Its rare when they win but if they do, expect some over exuberant celebrations.

The party girl

She never turns down a reason to get really, really, drunk and hit on a every guy in the building. They’re very annoying and sad. Some willing guy, enticed by her sexual advances, may end up with her. 20 minutes later he will find himself holding her hair as she vomits and cries into a shinning porcelain bowl filled with regret. She is most annoying if you are watching the game in a bar as her high pitched laughs and squeals pierce the air like a harpy. Good luck hearing anything from the game.

Good Idea: Not sleeping with her. Bad Idea: Typing "Drunk Party Girl" in Google image search.

The “I like football but not this type of football” person

Not all that common but they sure do stick out. They may arrive to the Super Bowl party wearing a Manchester United jersey and carrying a six pack of Guinness. Good beer taste aside, they will spend much of the game comparing football with soccer which they will call football. The name of the sport will actually be half of the conversation. For the rest of the conversation, they will point out how football players stand around an awful lot while football players run for 90 minutes straight. Hopefully this doesn’t happen in a bar because the conversation always turns to faces hitting fists the first time somebody calls it futbol.

The expert

Have an opinion about the game? Well you’re wrong according to this person who is almost always a man. They will give you detailed reasons why Pittsburg should be 6 point favorites, why Green Bay usually blitzes on 3rd and long but won’t during this game, and why the Patriots should be in the Super Bowl instead. Complaints about the broadcasting team run rampant from him and he will quote other so called experts on why they are right or wrong. They let you know their predictions before the game starts and will endlessly gloat their superior knowledge if they end up right. He is usually wrong though and will have a plenty of reasons why his prediction was wrong typically consisting of the coach being an idiot.

Basically the same type of expert

Disclaimer: This column is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. Any likeness to persons dead or alive is on purpose. You should probably change.

Follow me on Twitter if you're in to that sort of thing.

5 people that take it to another level

2011-02-01T20:00:00.000-08:00

When I thought of people skipping a level, or taking it up a notch, I first considered Alec Baldwin’s call to his daughter. Then I heard the Mel Gibson phone call to his ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. Normally, when you fight with your girlfriend there is a set of unspoken rules you adhere to. You start with childish name calling like “dumb” or “you're sister is hotter than you”. Then, if it heats up you step it up to, “your acting like a bitch…I didn’t call you a bitch I said you are acting like one.” Last is the big gun; you bust out the C-word. The Lethal Weapon said the hell with all that noise, and went all Braveheart on Oksana. Let's go to the break down. The conversation starts out with a disagreement on whether or not she wears reveling clothes. He says she does, she says she doesn’t, she is calm her voice never goes up. Then Mel skips all aforementioned levels by wishing she gets raped by a pack of wild niggers. My first thought was, “did he just make that up or is that something he’s been practicing.” It involved rape, which I’m sure all women love, and then he takes it up another notch by adding racism to it. Bravo Mad Max, we would like to thank you for crashing through all socially acceptable boundaries and we are looking forward to your new Beaver movie. Seriously his new co-star is a beaver puppet.

On April 29th 1992 where were you? The LA riots hold strong at number four. They started because 4 white cops were found not guilty of beating one, mister Rodney King. At 3:15pm a verdict was read and at 6:30pm the riot broke out. The outstanding citizens of South Central Las Angeles could have protested the verdict or put in for a re-trial. Hell, they could have raised money for Rodney King’s medical bills or legal fees; but instead, they were all like, “Lets burn this mother fucka down.” Lets go to the scoreboard: one billion dollars in damages, 53 people dead, and 3600 fires. Ya, you could say they skipped a few levels. In just over 3 hours they went form “did they say NOT guilty.” To full out riot. Which is impressive it took Gandhi 2 months to get anything done, which proves non-cooperation, non-violence and peaceful resistance is for bitches.

Uncle Mac, himself, in at number three, Charles Manson. Young mister Manson started out as a car thief and he sucked at it. After spending some time in the pokey he took the next logical step: pimping women and mail fraud. Wouldn’t you know it he sucked at that too! So while he was serving a 7-year sentence, he picked up a steel guitar and called himself a musician. Just as Lil Wayne did on his leather so soft track. If you haven’t seen it look it up, it’s horrifying. When he got out of prison, he started hanging around a bad crowd; namely, the beach boys. Then Terry Melcher, an actual musician, told him he sucked at music. All Manson wanted was to be a rock star, a god of sorts. Manson was pissed, and this is where he jumped up some levels. He could have taken some music lessons or gotten an agent. Not Manson, he skipped all conceivable levels and started his Bond-like-supervillian plot to get Terry Melcher. He started a cult and ordered them to go to Terry Melcher’s house and kill everything in it, which they did. As it turns out, Melcher didn’t live there anymore; Mason sucks at being a false demi-god as well. You make the call: Charles Manson, crazy guy, or extreme level skipper.

What a sweetheart

Number two is the most popular girl in the Trailer Park…Crystal Meth. She was born in a bathtub in some white trash house down the street from you. Back in the 80’s people used cocaine. It was cool, it gave you a nice rush so you could stay up all night and watch Rockey III on betamax, or go to your local disco Tec and do the Roger Rabbit to the hottest Kool Mo Dee track. Then, in the 2000’s, people were like, “hey, coke's cool but I wanna stay up for six days and pick all the skin off my face.” Meth showed up to answer all those little tweaker's prayers. On coke you can still eat and sleep. Not on Meth, it's on a whole other level, it will keep you up for days at a time, make you think there is a guy named Karl living in your broom closet, and food is one of the only things that won't go in your mouth. They can't even figure out how many people meth has killed. If you Google “how many people have died from meth?” the answer you will get is all of them.

Numero Uno is Janet “burn your shit down” Reno. This woman is awesome! She wrote the book on going overboard. There were so many incidents where she skipped levels, we had to narrow it down to her greatest hits. In Waco, TX she had just been sworn into office and heard about this 51 day stand off and was like, “fuck that!” She then ordered the FBI to go in and burn it down. Resulting in 73 deaths 15 of them, children. I can’t even begin to explain how many levels she skipped there. Going from negations to killing kids is truly some next level shit. Next up we have the Elian Gonzalez affair. Elian was 6 his mother and stepfather died while trying to flee Cuba to Miami. The relatives with whom the boy was staying, lost custody of the boy to his father, who lived in Cuba. Local law enforcement did nothing; they didn’t want to see this boy go back to evil Cuba. Janet Reno heard about this and said: “Fuck that shit.” She had a fully armed swat team (I’m talking machine guns, and gas masks: the whole nine) run up in this boy’s house and physically remove him from his closet. Why the closet? Because he was scared shitless and hid in it. Ms. Reno could have contacted the family and tried to work out a deal, but not for this ha"bitch"ual level jumper. I heard one time she murdered a family of puppies for defecating on her lawn. This woman does not play. She will go from a 3 to an 11 over any small confrontation, and for this she gets the number one spot.

Stop your crying

4 Reasons TLC is the Worst Channel on Television

2011-01-31T17:55:00.000-08:00

There was a time when TLC, also known as The Learning Channel, was just a cheeky version of The Discovery Channel. But through this last decade, the term “learning” has taken on a very different meaning to the executives of this channel. They have turned learning into a variety of bizarre reality shows that have taken up the bulk of the schedule.

TLC may not be doing anything much different than any other channel by airing reality shows, but the types of shows it is airing makes me think TLC is the worst. Such as…

1. Cakes

At what point in time did “bakery” become a sub-genre of TV? Ace of Cakes and Cake Boss are horrible. Every story is based on if they will get the cake done in time and they always do. Why are the cakes so needlessly complicated? Are they paid by the icing?

What’s worse is that these shows have spawned a new species of bakery shows about cupcakes and they are spreading like Ebola after a frat party where somebody brought a monkey. There will soon be more cupcake shows than Law and Order spin offs. TV executives are more likely to make “Survivor: Mars” after they see “My Little Cupcake Shop in Cairo” can work.

There is hope though, as these shows are probably just a fad. Ace of Cakes is already cancelled. Others will probably follow after customers realize how stupid they are for buying $5,000 cakes and $35 cupcakes.

2. Sarah Palin’s Alaska

“I’m gonna shoot that moose through it’s shitty god-fearing eyes”

Why, why, why is this lady being given any media attention anymore? She is supposedly popular but I have never met anyone that likes her. Not one person. People under 30 hates her. Most women hate her. Certainly socialists hate her. Virtually all minorities hate her. The only people that like her are white males who get a boner for Jesus and, well, her. Yet she gets a TV show on TLC. Why?

Because she shoots animals in the face! That’s why motherfucker! And if you don’t like it, we will march down to Washington with our guns and our god and demand that society stop being so damn commie by golly. And if your on their side well then I think I’m going to have to shoot you in the face. God hates socialism but he never once said anything about killing his fellow man. Take it from Sarah, The half-term governor. She’s no quitter!

3. 19 and counting

Psalms 25:13 His soul shall dwell at ease; and his seed shall inherit the earth.

This show follows a family and their billion children go through every day life. One episode includes a trip to a Creation museum showing humans and dinosaurs living together. I knew these places existed but I didn’t think anybody actually visited them. It’s a pitiful display of human ignorance to believe in this. If Jim Bob (yeah, I know) and Michelle Duggar were Adam and Eve and their kids represent the future humans after the Garden of Eden, the wheel would look like an oval, spearheads would be made of leaves, and they would have killed themselves discovering fire.

To put this in perspective, I once met a person who asked me, “Why did we nuke the Japs? Wouldn’t that just create nuclear Japs?” After a pretty easy discussion, including why it’s not so cool to call them “Japs”, he learned he was a moron from his earlier statement. Yet, he is still smarter than these fucks because he changed his mind. Some people, no matter how many times you show them 1+1=2, will continue to think 1+1=3 and this family are those types of people.

I could go on some long tirade about creationism even though it’s been argued to death and it’s starting to hurt my brain more than a night binge drinking on mouthwash and paint thinner.

4. The Freak Show and Hoarders.

I’m not blaming the 4 different midget shows, the 600 lbs man, the skin deformity woman, or whatever. I’d take the easy money too.

But seriously. What the fuck is wrong with the head honchos of TLC? Do they go into meetings saying “Hey! How ‘bout we do a show about people infected with flesh eating bacteria and Chlamydia? It will be great. All the normal people will watch thinking ‘boy that sucks’ and we will profit from airing pharmaceutical commercials”. Who are these people? Why do they think it’s okay to air this freak show and act like it’s NOT a freak show? They claim they want to portray everybody as normal human beings. I’m calling bullshit because normal human beings are boring. It’s exploitative any way you look at it.

Don’t worry though, if your not freaky on the outside maybe your freaky in the head like an obsessive-compulsive hoarder. Hoarding: Buried Alive is about people who collect an obscene amount of crap. Or sometimes it’s people who don’t throw anything away. It’s good that these people are getting help but it’s through exploitative means.

Actually, I’m against this show more than any other. If I want to keep a collection of 4,567 dolls that I cooked in the microwave one at a time for 2 minutes than hung them from the ceiling, well that’s my right!

Check out part 2 here! Check out part 3 here!

Disclaimer: This column is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. My maimed doll collection is to be taken seriously.

Follow me on Twitter if you're in to that sort of thing.

3 bands only white people like.

2011-01-29T15:54:00.000-08:00

3 bands only white people like.

White People! You may know one or two, but do you really understand what makes them tick? For centuries man has known and understood that music is the language of the soul; it can cross both language and geographical barriers. But, deep within the heart of white suburbia, we have the unique opportunity to try and understand what makes whitey’s pale Caucasian soul twist and awkwardly bounce. Whiteys musical taste varies from smooth jazz to speed metal. So, we have broken it down to groups, or what whitey refers to as “bands”. Don’t be surprised that some of these bands have African American members in them; the Republican Party, after all, has Michael Steele in it. We have broken it down to three of the Honkeyest Honkeys to ever honky

black metal BBQ

First up we have any and all black metal bands. Black metal is a new uber-white subgenre of heavy metal, as if the original wasn’t white enough. It often uses fast tempos and shrieked vocals. The main musical difference between black metal and death metal is the vocals. Black metal sounds like beeker from the Muppets, where death metal sounds like cookie monster. Modern black metal hails from Sweden. Sweden is possibly one of the whitest countries ever. It’s surrounded by its elite honkey brethren; wedged comfortably between Finland and Norway. That’s the geographical equivalent of blowing Jeff Foxworthy while getting fucked in the ass by a cheese and mayonnaise sandwich. An average black metal show looks like a sea of pasty white folks wearing black covered in fake blood. If you see a death metal show from a plane all you can make out is tiny white people covered in red and black. It looks like Germany in the 1930s. To this day not one Latino or African American person has ever been to a black metal show.

Only black person at a BNL show

Next up we have the barenaked ladies. The “BNL,” as they like to be called, come from the whitest part of the North America, Canada. Home of hockey and curling, two of the whitest things you can do with a stick. BNL are referred to as a novelty band like Al Yankavich(spelling check) or Tenacious D. They are a mix of live theater, comedy and classical guitars. Sure that sounds like a lot to stuff going on at once, but for these professional crackers, it’s a breeze. The hardest thing they have to deal with is the soul crushing whiteness that is BNL; they have to deal with that shit every fucking day of their lives! The fan base varies from middle and upper class girls all the way over to middle and upper class white gay males. I personally have never been to a BNL show. One of my African American friends, Mika, once had to go to a BNL concert with his girlfriend, who happened to be from an upper middle class white home. When he came back from the show he looked scared, I mean really fucking scared. I asked, “how was the show?” He looked down at me and proceeded to scream for 12 hours. After a 12 hour stent of horrified shrieks, he grabbed me by the collar and pulled me close to his face and whispered. “The whiteness….The whiteness...”

hootie

Hooty and the blow fish. Ya that’s right Hooty and the fucking blow fish. I’m well aware that the singer is black. Most African Americans did not know Hooty was black until the band’s first video. I’m actually very certain that Hooty doesn’t know he is black. Hooty is currently pursuing a solo career in what is referred to as “the honkeys wheel house,” also known as, country music. Not much is known about hooty and the blowfish. Legend has it they showed up at the University of Colorado in Boulder and started “jamming.” Then, out of nowhere, BAM! Frat boys start sprouting pouka beads from their necks; everyone started growing sandals out the bottom of their feet. That’s when the shit got real…cargo shorts…fucking cargo shorts everywhere. What happens next is something that hasn’t been seen since the infamous beach boy concert in 1963. The crowd took the form of a giant white hot swirling sphere expanding and contacting, swirling faster and faster till it exploded. It is said that the explosion could be seen from space. The Russian cosmonauts described it as thousands of brilliant white stars falling to earth. It is believed that some of those white supernovas hit the earth and created Dave Mathews, Phish, Blues Traveler and Wilco; they would forever be known as the four white men. First time I heard this I thought, “Bullshit! The time line doesn’t add up. Dave mattews was formed before Hooty.” The explanation I got was the crowd spun so fast they ripped through the space time continuum.

Gays in the military

2011-01-29T10:44:00.000-08:00

Now that the LGTBQ community can be open about their sexuality in the military, I ask you: “what will really change?” Let’s start with recruiting. No longer will recruiters have to go to small or poor towns to prey on the hapless yokels. They will be whisked away to fabulous locations like Key West or San Francisco. They don’t have to scour the local Wal-Mart anymore looking for the dullest the Midwest has to offer. Now they can drive their new rainbow hummers down to the sushi bar or gym.

Don’t worry; a lot of the old traditions will live on. You might be thinking, “I got my new buff recruits, now what do I do with them?” You put those ladies in basic fucking training, where men are made! The typical gay man will take to basic traing like a mustache to seamen. Let’s go through the list. First, they get to work out three times a day with cardio in-between; or, what the gay community calls an average weekday. The next part takes a page right out of the gay porn cookbook, our new recruits get emasculated by a butch older man all day. All you need is the sergeant in leathers and a banana hammock; the recruits would be right at home. Next, lets prance on over to weapons training; really, do I have to spell this one out? Ok, you twisted my cock. A gun is nothing but an extension of your fuck-stick. First of all most gay men at one point in their lives have had some sort of extension strapped on to, or attached to their dongs. That’s one Point for team ass-to-mouth. Secondly, who do you think is more comfortable handling a long hard black shaft, Joe six- pack or Billy the runner up at pride fest? So in a nutshell, firing a gun is the act of unloading hot stuff out of a fake cock into another guy’s face. Now, you’re probably getting a little mad, I’m not implying that all of our top snipers are gay, but one of the USA’s top snipers was Gunnery sergeant Carlos HathCOCK. He had an overbearing mother, a distant father, and he always dreamed of going to boot camp. He rocked a mustache and his nickname was “white death,” which just so happens to be the names of two “BBC 2 WB” gay porn’s and one gay porn star.
Oh, and, I almost forgot, you get to bunk and shower with your new shaved down, ripped up friends: NO GIRLS ALLOWED! They tried bunking the girls and the new gay recruits together; this failed horribly. They stayed up all night braiding hair and telling the girls “You don’t need him.” Finally, I have saved the best for last: hazing. Hazing is a time honored tradition that goes back hundreds of years. For those of you that don’t know what hazing is, it’s described as various rituals involving abuse, harassment or humiliation of a person as an initiation into a group. It’s origins are back in ancient Greek times. I won’t get into it too much, but the Greeks used to haze the shit out of each other, literally. This is where the gay man excels. Most hazing consists of being tied up, crammed in small places and sodimized. Not in that order, but in my opinion, that’s the best order. After reading this, you are probably thinking “omg, boot camp is fucking boy’s town!” It’s a country club for the fierce and fabulous; and, you would be right. Most gay men have been training for boot camp for a good portion of their lives.

That being said, America should have better trained solders cranked out at a faster rate. There should be a line to get into boot camp; I’m talking velvet ropes two huge black guys with sunglasses at the door holding a list that you are never on. We should have done this year ago. The USA in 5 years should have the largest and most well trained troops in the world. America can finally tell china to go fuck herself. China would be all “Where my money?” and The US would be all “fuck you bitch, ill scratch your cunt eyes out!” No other country would have the testicular fortitude to attack use for fear of having their cunt eyes scratched out. I don’t know about you but I would be fine with my freedoms being protected by legions of gay supermen. I can sleep soundly knowing my kids and I are safe from the bitches.