Flinthills Kitty Kitty

Looking at a Very Cute For Sale By Owner Place - a FSBO

2019-01-10T22:20:00.000-06:00

Many real estate agents just shudder at "For Sale By Owner" - or as it's often shortened to - FSBO.

My latest visit to a FSBO:

I think they are a bit dangerous and fun! It doesn't cost anything to look, right? What if this were THE HOUSE for someone and it has this FSBO classification thing blocking the way?

In real estate agent world - FSBO translates to Buyer Beware. Sometimes sellers think if they don't use a real estate agent they will be able to slip through the cracks without anyone noticing such things as an old termite problem or an outdated sewage line. But, today's home shoppers are pretty darn savvy!

Just remember - FSBO means the buyer has to step up and be a highly informed shopper! For example - is this a big issue? Or a little issue?

When you hire a Realtor - many, many sets of eyes go through the home, the site and any and all records of the property that can be discovered. I think that's one of the top advantages of hiring me. Realtors are held accountable by their broker. Brokers hold each other accountable across the marketplace. We all share and coordinate to keep you "in the know." We tie off as many possible loops and loose ends as possible - so that you don't get unwelcome surprises.

That's an investment that pays off over and over for you as you live in your new home.

A Day of Closets

2019-01-04T15:57:00.001-06:00

If I were six years old, I would sure have plans for these closets! Some are like little book nooks with a window! Some have a ladder that you can climb up onto a platform and hide!

I think how fun it might be - but the reality is that I love all my clothes. And I certainly wouldn't want to part with even a single member of my boot collection!

Here are some of the cool closets I've seen recently:

An old four square with huge closets - unusual for that time period!

This huge closet is part of a sunporch turned bedroom that is gorgeous!

This one is inside of a bathroom. Easy shower and dress routine in the mornings!

Today I'm resting after a two day marathon of looking at homes in Council Grove with a potential buyer from out of state. Whew! We had a blast and they found two top contenders!

Contact me! I'd love to work with you to find a perfect fit for your collections!

Because I Have An Economics Degree (For Goodness Sakes!)

2018-12-26T14:40:00.001-06:00

In the dark ages (1990) I finished a degree in Economics at Emporia State University. Cum Laude, in fact. In some ways, that seems like a lifetime ago. I was raising kids, juggling several part time jobs and living out here on the prairie while attending classes on campus in Emporia. To add to the challenge - in my final semester, I spent two days a week in Topeka interning for Senator Jerry Karr in the Kansas Senate.

A selfie in 1990 meant you handed the camera over to your 1st grader!

I tell you all this - because recently it occurred to me - THIS is the reason you should consider contacting me first if you are buying or selling real estate. There can't be many real estate agents with a B.S. in Economics, Cum Laude.

It means my brain loves the challenge of weighing out costs and benefits. I follow the trail of supply and demand consumer behavior like it's the newest video game. A win for me is getting the highest benefit for the lowest cost. That's what I do for myself! That's what I can do for you!

And with honesty and full transparency. In fact, the two customers I am working with now want to know exactly what I will be paid if they choose me and exactly what I incur in expenses and time to provide that service to them. I am right on board with that - as all my experience in the past, especially in the grant writing and grant administration spectrum - have required exactly that same degree of transparency and accountability.

Maybe you're considering a move this spring? Contact me! I'd love to help!

Outbuildings - One Word with Many Meanings in Real Estate

2018-12-10T21:41:00.000-06:00

Recently I took a buyer to a couple of homes in my area. This particular buyer is looking for a workshop - a place he could do detailed machinist type work full time.

Here are the outbuildings we've looked at so far:

Cool work space? Maybe if you're a photographer!

Maybe if you're raising puppies? Piglets?

A good start. But, mighty chilly in December.

I understand this buyer. His conversations with me remind me to think of real estate listings from his perspective. Unfortunately, the listing information online many times just says "outbuildings" or "nice outbuildings." So, I'm doing some footwork on this to respect his time and not drag him to places that absolutely won't work for his needs.

When we bought our home decades years ago - my husband got out of the car and made one quick full circle of the house looking at the outside - roof lines, gutters (lack of gutters in our case), soffits, chimney and window casings.

Next he went through each outbuilding slowly and carefully. He continued his tour by walking around the ponds and the fence line.

When he came back - he announced "Yep - this is the one."

I asked, "Would you like to see the inside? You know, to see if it has a kitchen or a bathroom? Or enough bedrooms for the kids?" He was offended but he followed me inside and looked mostly at the ceiling while the real estate agent pointed at things and talked and I figured out how we could make the bedrooms work best.

But, his decision had already been made.

What I'm saying is that if outbuildings are as important as house when you're searching for that perfect place - I get it.

Another Unusually Beautiful Home for Sale in Historic Council Grove - 218 N. Chautauqua

2018-12-07T14:00:00.000-06:00

This house is unusual in the layout - nestled into the steep side of a hill in Council Grove, Kansas. It's a few blocks from the hospital and downtown. Very nice neighborhood.

That circle on the floor is part of the tile work. Surprisingly - it's a very classy feature - kudos to whoever chose it. I also really fell in love with the shade of green on the door.

Getting near the top of the stairway. The back of the house (on the upper level) is a fantastic window filled bedroom.

It's nice that it has one bedroom on the main floor in this house - and a bathroom on the main floor. Plus a big bathroom upstairs with the other bedrooms.

If I remember right - those floors were the real deal - tongue and groove hardwood in beautiful condition. The front door would be to the right of this photo.

The front of the house appears to be a "Swiss chalet-ish" with many stairs to climb - luckily you live in 2018 and you probably will be driving one of those new-fangled automobiles!

You'll drive up the short alley into your two car garage. From there you are a few feet from your glassed in back porch which leads to that green door into the kitchen. There are a couple of steps involved - but not much! If you look through the kitchen window - that's the side of your very nice two car garage.

If I lived there - I'd put some hefty lounging furniture on that front porch and use it for overflow living space every time the weather allows. We have gorgeous days in Kansas even through the winter - if you have a little protected spot like this that can be out of the wind and rain.

I'm a Real Estate Agent with Bluestem Brokerage. You should do your own research - but I hope this post has been helpful to someone in their search! I'd love to help!

The Listing - 218 N Chautauqua in Council Grove

Why Do I Need To Sign a Buyers Agent Agreement Before I Can See the Dang House?

2018-12-04T14:51:00.000-06:00

I feel ya. I remember listening to the agent explain all the reasons I needed to sign his papers before we could get in the car and go see the house. This happened 35 years ago. I found the listing online. I called HIM for goodness sake! And here he is diddling with these forms. I knew this house was going to be off the market within days. We were wasting precious time!

So we signed. But, what the heck did we sign anyway?

I never knew - because as it turned out - we loved the house and made an offer immediately that was accepted and the funding went through. We moved in 60 days later and never looked back.

Luckily this isn't the house! But it is the nearly collapsing outbuilding we bought in the deal - the old chicken coop.

Fast forward to 2018 and I'm now in the position of needing to ask you to sign a buyer's agency agreement with me before we can go look at the house!

I'd like to explain what it is I'm asking for.

Essentially, we are signing that IF you buy a house that I showed to you and worked with you to close on - then there will be nothing more for you to do, nothing more for me to do - related to me receiving the paycheck I've earned. We will not need to backtrack and agree that yes, I should probably be the one that fits into the buyers agent slot when the dollars are getting divvied up at the closing table.

The seller of the house agreed to pay two parts when they listed their home - one part to the real estate agent who got the seller and the property ready to go on the market. And one part to the real estate agent who got the buyer ready to close the deal. In order for me to stay working in the real estate business, I need to collect that portion of $$$ laying on the table - whenever it is truly mine. If I have a signed buyer's agreement on the table during the whole process - then everyone involved knows if this thing goes to closing - if this person gets the home they made their offer on and want to own - then those $$$$ on the table go to me.

I think we can agree that's fair. I can't stay in business if I don't set up a way for money to come to me for my work.

But, I think that's where you - as a person looking for a home - feel pressured. How would you know if I'm going to be "the one"? You're busy trying to find "the one" house or property. You don't care what happens on the backside after you leave. You're not even the one writing that check - the seller is. You've got keys!

But this is what you need to know to be a smart buyer.

Buyer agency is always in every buyer's best interest. This is why buyers should never call the listing agent off of the for sale sign. quoted from realtor.com

The agent listed on the for sale sign in the yard (or on the zillow listing) has already committed to be on the tug of war side of the seller. Do you want to pick up the other side of that rope and pull by yourself?

You need me - the buyers agent - to commit to pulling with you. When you're spending thousands of dollars in one very long term commitment - you don't want it to be your first rodeo.

In a similar example, if your spouse hires a divorce attorney - do you trust that attorney is focused on getting you the best deal possible out of this mess?

In the next post - I'll tell you the inside secret of how you control that buyers agency agreement. This is not a document you should ever feel pressured about signing. I'll tell you why.

The Fairy Tale House in Historic Downtown Council Grove, Kansas

2018-12-02T21:40:00.003-06:00

Of course, I'd seen the photos of this home on my broker's listing pages. But, he suggested it was one of those houses that a person really needs to go experience for themselves. Something about it just doesn't get captured in those millions of zillow listing photos.

I've decided to call it the fairy tale house. It's just magical. If I could, I'd buy it just to hold my family holidays in!

It's those doors that got me. Cut glass door knobs. The tilt windows above all the doorways (1800's style air conditioning)

See what I mean about a place for family holiday celebrations?

And look at the sidewalk! Cut stones! Just magical.

Wonder who it's next family will be?

Beautiful Victorian home! - 628 Hockaday St, Council Grove KS: This gracious home combines historic character with modern conveniences. It features period details such as high ceilings, tin ceilings, original woodwork, stained glass windows and hardwood floors under some of the carpeting. Recent upgrades include a 50-year metal shingle roof, Hard Plank siding, updated plumbing and electrical, high efficiency HVAC and water heater, spray foam floor insulation and extra attic insulation.The large living room,...

Flannel Nightgowns for Little Ones

2016-01-25T13:50:00.002-06:00

These are the two little cotton flannel nightgowns I made for granddaughters in December. The pink flannel fabric and buttons are from Ellie Lou's in Emporia - one of my favorite places to entertain myself and collect goodies for my workshop!

This Event Was in 2016. It was a BLAST!

2016-01-20T16:59:00.001-06:00

I'll be giving a presentation at the library soon!

Overstuffed Closet and Nothing To Wear:

A New Spring Dress Costs Less Than A Sandwich.....But Who Pays?

Gathering up examples of upcycles, over dying and garments with unique quality features in construction and fabrics. Pulling together interesting facts about the change in the past couple of decades that is leading us to smother our planet in nearly new clothing. Tips for making small changes and links to others who are making similar changes in their relationship to clothing.

Why not create a wardrobe that you value?

Bring your latest challenge of upcycle project to share! The event is sponsored by the Emporia Public Library and is free to the public.

Telling History.....

2015-04-14T13:43:00.000-05:00

I've got two characters I now perform for audiences - telling first person narratives for Kittie Hays Houghton (daughter of famous Santa Fe Trail trader, Seth Hays) and Nell Donnelly-Reed (famous for Nelly Don dresses; an anchor company of the Kansas City Garment District).

See my new website here which includes news from other more experienced members of the Kansas Alliance of Professional Historical Performers.

Writing Your Way Back Home workshop at the World War I Museum in Kansas City, MO

2015-03-20T16:51:00.003-05:00

Attending the Writing Your Way Back Home writers workshop next weekend at the World War I Museum in Kansas City, Missouri. We're supposed to bring a small item or photo with us for one of the projects. This is one I'm bringing.

Repairing a $1 Thrift Store Cashmere Sweater

2015-02-03T09:36:00.000-06:00

I quit buying sweaters with polyester or acrylic quite a long time ago - when I started my closet overhaul several years ago.

And the sweaters I love now, as I've said before on the blog, are all natural fibers. Cashmere, merino wool, wool, alpaca, angora and mixes of those fibers. But, I can't afford those things!

What I can afford is to watch the thrift stores and pick up these wonderful sweaters for $1 to $3 and then gently wash them, reshape them and repair holes. The natural fiber sweaters are prone to holes. I suppose that's the trade off and why plasticky, man made fiber sweaters dominate the market. They'll look exactly the same a hundred years from now in the bottom of our heaping landfills.

Natural fibers are not perfect. And that's why I love them.

This is an Express 100% Cashmere I picked up last month for my daughter. It's a great cranberry red color and lightweight. It's cut more like a long sleeve tee and even has a cute little chest pocket.

I paid $1.50 for it on half price day at a thrift shop. It had several holes in the back. The one shown is the largest.

So, as I've recommended before - the first step is to find thread that matches as CLOSELY as possible! Go to the inside of the sweater and make your first stitch. There are two things to think of - first the thickness of the fabric. You want your needle to always be in the center of the thickness of the fabric. Like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich - the needle needs to slide through the peanut butter without jabbing through the bread. This will keep your stitches from showing on the outside of the sweater.

I begin my first stitch slightly above the hole. This is the second thing to think about.....the weave of your sweater is like a tic tac toe. In the original sweater weave there are fibers that go across and fibers that go up and down. They are interwoven and pulled together to make a solid fabric. To fix a hole without it showing - think about placing the new thread (on your needle) into those same patterns - either horizontal or vertical.

Notice I'm trying to keep my needle within the interior thickness of the fabric (the peanut butter of the sandwich.) And I started a little above the hole with a horizontal stitch.

I pull that thread through safely to the other side (extending a bit past the hole to anchor my new strengthening repair stitches in fabric that hasn't been damaged.

Then I turn my needle and go back across the hole in the opposite direction, working my way down the hole with stitches - back and forth. Do not pull the thread tight. Leave it rather loose as if it were part of the original fibers in the sweater which stretch and give.

In this photo - I have completed the horizontal stitches back and forth across the hole and made a couple extra horizontal stitches below the hole to anchor my work in undamaged fibers. This stitch is my first vertical stitch - where I repeat the same procedure (the other half of the tic tac toe design).

Continuing to move vertically across the hole with the same sort of stitches - not pulled tight. Anchoring in undamaged fibers on the opposite of the hole with a few extra stitches.

Tied off the thread. This is what the finished inside of the sweater looks like. If you know where to look and pull on the sweater - this area will not give quite the same as it originally did. You'll know where you repaired it if you look for it. It's not a miracle stitch.

But, this is the finished outside. I can live with this - especially since it means I can wear beautiful stuff, rescue garments worth saving from the landfills and be warm.

Happy stitching!

P.S. If there is one noticeable hole in a sweater.....take the time to look it over carefully while you're stitching. If there's one - there's more. And my experience is that nearly every natural fiber sweater in a thrift store has a problem or it wouldn't be there. Search for the problem right away and fix it - by restretching or refitting, or hand sewing. Better to diagnose it now rather than have to deal with it while you're out for the day in it!

Resizing My Favorite Sweaters All Over the Kitchen Countertops Today

2014-12-11T13:51:00.002-06:00

So, now that I no longer dress everyday for an office job I have discovered I love sweaters! And it's because there was a learning curve and several tricks to wearing and caring for sweaters that I never knew!

For years and years, I had a plastic crate of winter sweaters. Each winter I rotated them out into my closet and each spring I put them back in storage. Without ever wearing a single one of them for more than an hour or so. Because, when you work in an office the building heat is too much. And yet, you can't just count on the sweater to be warm enough if you are running errands, etc. And then there's the part of trying to pull your coat over your bulky sweater. And the problem (if you have long, fine hair) of the back of your hair ratting up as it moves across the sweater all day. And then, of course, if you like dangly earrings they tend to get caught in the sweater during the day's movement.

Problems, problems! Oh, and the biggest problem is that every cute sweater you buy is only cute until you wash it! After its first washing it becomes a faded wad of pills which take hours to brush or shave off!

But, then, I discovered that I had been sold a faulty line of thinking by a fashion industry that is focused on selling us something new and cheap every week.

An acrylic or polyester sweater is a piece of plastic. It will take on the temperature of the room around it - making you cold in the cold and hot in the heat. And it's not breathable stuff. So, it feels suffocating. It's like wrapping yourself in a trashbag.

But, old fashioned sweaters? The ones made of materials from nature? Heaven!

Here's one side of the kitchen today. Maybe I've collected a few too many favorite sweaters? Yikes! At least I am now very happy to wear them regularly. I like the sweatshirt or hoodie styles the best and pull them on for everyday wear.

This is one I picked up at Wild Man Vintage in Lawrence, Kansas last year. I knew it would be a bit tight but I thought it might be worth trying to stretch it back out to its original size. Love the pattern in the knitting. It's getting extra stretching attention today.

Here is my sweater remedy:

1) Acrylic sweaters are no longer allowed to live in my closet!!!!!!! Just get rid of them, immediately. They will never bring you happiness, or warmth. They are the evil alter ego of real sweaters. And, we've lost touch with real sweaters because our stores are heaped with the evil alter egos. Since the 1980's, our choices have been poor and we didn't know we were being duped.

2) Buy only natural fiber sweaters. These come under many descriptive names such as, of course, cashmere. But also just as wonderful....wool, angora, lambswool, rabbit, merino. Sometimes these materials are blended with a nylon, acrylic or polyester. So beware! I will buy a sweater that has up to about 10% of one of these man made fibers if 90% of the fiber is a natural material. But, many of the fashion profit centers have caught on to bloggers and wardrobe consultant advice to look for the perfect "cashmere" sweater.... so they are sneakily offering such mixed mutts as an "angora" sweater that has 5% angora dumped into the mix that is 95% acrylic. These are junk! What an embarrassment to the angora rabbit or goat or whatever critter gives us these gifts of natural fibers!

3) Watch for thin sweaters in natural fibers. The thick ones are eye catching and fun. But, day by day, you will come to love the thinner ones. These will become as easy for you to wear as tee shirts. But, they are so luxurious and upscale. They are a bit harder to find, but worth it. They hide in the thrift stores because they are so plain. Sometimes I find them in the blouse or tee shirt racks. Sometimes they have holes or splits that will need repaired.

4) Watch for athletic type cut natural fiber sweaters such as hooded cardigans. These are also hard to find but wonderful.

5) And my favorite tip is about care because the most wonderful of these sweaters are sitting in thrift shops! No one seems to know how to care for them so they send them out the door at the first sign of a problem. And I pick them up and fix them. These are my common fixes:

a) small holes - find a very closely matching thread and do a darning stitch to close up the holes. No one will ever notice. Even you will have a hard time locating the patched hole later. Just make sure your thread is exactly the same color. See Repairing a $1 Thrift Store Cashmere Sweater

b) too tight. This is what I am doing today (photos above). Some sweaters have been "felted" by too much heat and friction. Those are ruined, but can be great for crafts. But, 90% of the expensive natural fiber sweaters I run across in the thrifts have just been washed incorrectly. Use about a tablespoon of creme rinse (same as used for your hair) in a sink of cold water. Let the sweater soak up the water mix. Gently squeeze water out without wringing the sweater or twisting it. Lay the sweater out to dry on a towel. Now, shape the sweater! Gently ease it out to full size again by stretching it lengthwise and width wise over and over. Gently tug and smooth like you're pushing out pie dough into a bigger and bigger circle. Use a measuring tape to check to see if the sweater fibers have been pulled enough to fit you well. I usually do this to several sweaters at a time and throughout the day I will go back and smooth and stretch each of them as they dry. Flip them over. Keep working them. Work the upper armholes and the shoulder seams to assure they are back to the original intended shape and size. I also try them on a few times while they are drying. It works best with a slick tight tee shirt underneath. Pull the sweater on and stand in front of the mirror - stretching and easing out the fabric for length and width where you need it. Then lay the sweater back on the towel to dry further.

c) fuzz. I usually brush my sweaters with a lint brush and pick off any bigger pills. I have never had luck with the sticky pad lint brushes. Buy the old fashioned kind. They brush the fibers and capture the pills easily. You only have to do this once and the sweater will be wearable for the whole season or longer. These natural fibers sweaters do not like being cleaned each time you wear them. They keep themselves clean. And many times I will wear a tight cotton t-shirt or tank under so they stay clean even longer.

Sometimes, you will get a natural fiber sweater that pills up like crazy after washing. I am finding this is true with the cashmere sweaters you can get for new prices at $20 - $40. They are indeed made of cashmere fibers but only the lowest grade; the short fibers left over from the animal after the luxurious fibers have been selected out for the high cost sweaters. This is the number one reason I buy used and vintage. Before the 1980's, no designer would have put out a line of cashmere, merino or angora sweaters using this throw away fiber junk. I have several cashmere sweaters that I paid $3 for that come out of the wash without a single pill. My brand new cashmere from Kohls can't even be combed out anymore - it is just a wad of pills and lost its true, saturated color after the first wash.

It's not you! It's the profit motive of fast, cheap fashion that is making you so unhappy! American women buy the same things over and over with little to no satisfaction!

Next time I am ready to tell you what has happened to womens pants. Why you are buying and buying and buying and crying and crying because nothing fits. It's not you.

Slippery Slope of Yoga Pants

2014-07-14T10:18:00.002-05:00

I'm afraid I'm playing at the edge of the slippery slope of yoga pants. My daughter and I have a running joke - that you never want to wear your yoga pants to town, even once, because once you break through that barrier it's nearly impossible to go back.

I started yoga classes a month ago, in town, so there is a twenty mile commute each direction. I need to make the best use of the expense of the trips to town, so I coordinate all my errands to happen on "yoga days".

It's nearly 100 degrees now during the hottest parts of the days in Kansas.....

And so, I am bordering on the edge of just wearing my yoga stretch short pants and soft tee shirts all over town. I haven't yet! I take an oversized linen or cotton shift type dress and pull it over before heading to the grocery store, library, etc. But, my hair remains in the high ponytail and I am without accessories and makeup. And, did I tell you it's hot? So, each week it gets more tempting to just skip the added clothing layer of the cover dress. I could rent a locker in the yoga facility and shower. But, jeesh, it's just an hour of yoga. Surely, I don't need to shower afterwards. I would probably quit going if I knew I would be at the gym another half hour each time, showering and redressing. I'm just headed to the grocery store!

It's mid July. I don't think I'll be able to hold out until it cools off in October around here! These are the challenges of living in the American rural midwest. My vehicle looks like I lead tours of the Australian outback - with the dirt, dust, multiple half empty water bottles, a full size cooler for grocery hauls, plus the "always be prepared" stuff of multiple sunglasses, jacket, gloves, a towel for the hot leather seat.......

The Fallacy in the Term Victim Mentality

2014-04-11T11:12:00.003-05:00

Recently, I've come across the term "victim mentality" again and it always sits crossways with what I know to be true. The term is used to describe how people deal with life's problems in a nonproductive way - that their thinking is faulty in seeing the center of control outside of themselves. In taking it a step further, the solution is to help this person by pointing out their victim mentality statements and guide them back into accepting full responsibility for their life choices.

So, let's switch it up a bit and discuss this philosophy again. Let's say I was born without a thumb. Let's say there was no support for that handicap throughout my childhood - that parents and teachers around me just refused to notice my missing appendage and continued on as if I looked the same as every other child. Essentially, this is what the experience is for a child within an abuse situation. Very rarely are these situations detected and resolved quickly. They go on for years and most of the people around the situation are unaware. The child is aware, even if they do not have the maturity or even the words to talk about it. But, they see the stark contrast, the outside world and the hidden world. They believe these two spheres of reality exist simultaneously for everyone. They work hard to achieve a life balance with these two conflicting realities.

And so the child buckles down to overcome their issue. They throw themselves into overcoming the problem. Piano lessons? Sure! The child tries. They find work-arounds and tricks so they can succeed in piano lessons. They work hard to move up through the levels with their peers. And they are successful in overcoming the handicap throughout the early stages. But, at some level of piano playing, you need all ten digits. Since the adults in this child's world are ignoring the fact of the missing thumb, the child creates negative thoughts about their inabilities and failure with piano scales. They retreat from piano lessons in full despair. Their absence is expected by those who can most obviously see, this is best for this child as it will only lead to more frustration and dissatisfaction. Where is the locus on control at this point? How does this child in teenage years approach his curiosity about mountain climbing? What does he know or not know about himself that will help/hinder the exploration of mountains? What about career choices? What tools does this child have in his toolbox that will help him choose a way to make a living that provides satisfaction?

Two carpenters of equal skill and experience have dreams of beginning their own business. One has financial backing from an uncle that will cover his family's living expenses for the first two years while he builds his customer base. The other has no financial backing except his own labor. Most people would agree that these two situations are very different and require different questions and thoughts to reach the best decision. Essentially, one of the carpenters has more tools in his toolbelt than the other; he has both thumbs. The other is missing a critical element that will likely play an important role in his success no matter how hard he works. He is missing a tool; the financial safety net; a thumb.

The "victim mentality" in my mind is not a negative thought pattern that needs to be tackled in order to achieve success. And those using the term, in my mind, have no direct experience with what it means. It's a term developed by those who have not suffered abuse to describe an inconvenient fact about those who have suffered abuse. Abuse is damage. Damage doesn't go away much as we'd like to believe it will. Brain cells, souls, hearts and physical bodies become less than they were before the abuse. Although there is healing throughout the lifetime, the original damage leaves a footprint that can never be completely erased. The type of violence and abuse we're talking about here most obviously, leaves a mark. The nail that was pounded into the board in anger can be removed. The nail hole remains forever.

Victim mentality thinking is realistic thinking for people who have been put into the position of needing to use it to survive. And survive....we have. Things you can only imagine humans could do to each other. We're still here because our perpetrators didn't choose to kill us. And over the years as we've held the choices for ourselves - we've chosen not to suicide out.

We need safe space as adults to come to terms with the fact that we have "missing thumbs" that were a factor throughout all our earlier attempts at success. Some of us are content to not explore or push forward, knowing the full extent of the abuse damage and the limitations it has caused. The term "self-care" refers to choosing the minimal responsibilities of daily life without dreaming or reaching for anything more. Others choose to start again using the new knowledge to work towards heartfelt goals.

Helpful people point out that we are letting the handicap make our choices. Truly, they do not understand. Our reality fell outside of our locus of control decades ago. Our reality was overlaid into our life story by others. We are surviving and making the best of what was left after the events that were no fault of our own. Survivor mentality. Let's use the right word.

The Prairie is Burning Tonight

2014-04-10T21:27:00.003-05:00

A renewal of the tall grass - the ritual of the spring burning.

Even though my house is filled with smoke, I feel the dead around me being burned away - to make room for the new. Within a few days this scene will be filled with bright green grass as far as the eye can see in any direction. This is why we love the Flint Hills. The Native peoples before us took such loving care of their mother earth. I know she must miss their compassion and love.

But, each spring, we get another chance to get it right. A do-over.

It feels like I am also burning away another layer of old stuff this spring. Changes are underfoot. I am looking forward to a new peace within.

Nonprofit Struggles - The Game is Missing Critical Players

2014-03-21T15:12:00.001-05:00

America is overwhelmed with nonprofits and their constant need for funding. With the last decade of economic downturn, the needs have increased while funding pools stagnate and dry up.

But, this is what I've noticed. Sitting in a large hotel conference center this week with two hundred nonprofit executives brought forth some new revelations about the game being played across the field. As an out-of-state expert spent the afternoon training on the finer points of telling the nonprofit challenge story to elicit more donations, I was struck by the contrasts.

The executives in the room know each other. They tend to gather at the same workshops. Many have been leading their organizations for years, devoting their careers toward improving the lives of fellow Kansans. But, they are distinctly not from the cultural groups they help. There is a comradery amongst them as they share the stories of the pain, loss and struggles of their clients and how their organization works to understand and alleviate challenges. But, also a quiet pride in the fact that they, themselves, do not suffer such challenges.

None of the conference participants live the story. They're at the workshop to learn to tell the story; to write the script for the actors who will be telling the story to donors. Like journalists. Flies on the wall. Reporting a story. Each executive lives in solid middle class home, drives a reliable, if not beautiful, vehicle, has a bank account with a positive balance and network of support through peers, alumni and middle class families of origin. At the lunch break, they revert back to their personal stories; the emotional stress of sending their first child off to college, an upcoming vacation, their top of the line medical care experience, or their best time ever in the recent marathon. They share multiple degrees in education, specialization and certifications, and years of focus in adding to their skills and tools. Luxuries their clients would never dream of owning.

After lunch, the executives go back to working on the task at hand; building convincing and real stories to tell their donors and supporters. They feel genuine empathy for the cause they selected to devote their time to - but they remain outsiders; foreigners who visit far away countries well equipped with translation apps and guide books; movie goers who shed tears as they leave the theater and lock their doors as they head for the safety of home.

Everything I know about solving community and cultural issues builds off the premise that the beginning step is to see the people who are living the problem as their own solution. The solution cannot be brought in from the outside. Every program developed to serve "them" has limited positive effect. "Them" must develop their own program and implement it themselves because they best know the terrain. They appreciate and adopt new tools to overcome challenges. Outside resources are certainly beneficial in creating desperately needed time and space for the seeds of change to sprout and gain strength. Those who come from a place of safety and health are great partners and leaders to those who have heavier burdens to carry. But, the people of the problem must be the people who own the solution.

I am walking away from the nonprofit fundraising field. I don't fit in. I am exhausted by the posturing and pretending to fit in exercise each time I try to interact and build bridges. There is no need for bridges. No one is looking for them. Nonprofits are disconnected from the people they are claiming to serve and its is the standard accepted.

I am a solid product of child abuse, poverty and ignorance. I worked my way through college to excel in economics, politics and community organization so I could help change the lives of others like me. But, the field is set. The players are selected from rosters I will never be on. The season schedule was set decades ago and is not open for discussion.   No one is recruiting for players like me and I will very rarely come across another player in the game who plays for the reasons I did or is able to connect with me at the level needed to shift the picture. We own the problem. For some reason, we are blocked from owning the solution.

At least, please, learn to tell my story right. Your donors can't see through the bull because they, by necessity, come from the same culture you do. But, I can. It's disturbing. You wouldn't get a degree in rug making and then go to India and claim to be an expert on rug making, right?

Finishing up the Beef Tallow Process - The Kitchen is Now Clean Again

2014-01-21T20:13:00.003-06:00

I finished up the beef tallow rendering. It feels good to have clear countertops again. Here is the post about the first part of the process.

Here is a photo of what I concluded was the best way to do the final work on this stuff. I made the mistake of pouring the hot oil into different metal or glass containers to cool down - thinking I would need to gather up my mason jars and reheat it all properly later to be ready for storage.

Then I read online where someone suggested just pouring it out into cake pans and cookie sheets, letting it cool down and freezing it long enough that it easily breaks up into chunks. By far, the easiest method of getting it ready for storage! Also takes care of the problem that I would have trying to spoon it out of a mason jar later when I want to use it. This way - I'll just pull chunks out of the freezer as needed.

This is some remelted tallow I am cooling. Then I froze it a couple of hours and broke it into chunks:

Cracklins in a bit of tallow ready to freeze, bust into chunks and use for dog treats:

Below is the tallow that cooled in the crockpot. I reheated the crockpot enough to get the solid middle hunk out of there. Then I sliced it into chunks about as big as a bar of soap and wrapped each chunk in some plastic wrap. The gallon zip lock bag on the left is the wrapped pieces ready for the freezer.

We popped popcorn tonight using the beef tallow in the bottom of the pan. It was good! And, since I've been handling this stuff for a few days - all day - I'm wondering if my new energy is coming from the nutrients absorbing into my skin? Am I crazy? I may be. But I keep grabbing a small piece and warming it in my hands to spread into my cuticles. I smell a bit like a french fry. But, I swear, I've been planning, scheming and working with excess life energy I haven't had in several years. I wonder if it will last?

Repairing an Heirloom Crocheted Tablecloth I Bought on Ebay for $4

2014-01-21T01:14:00.000-06:00

A year ago, I came across a handmade tablecloth on ebay for $4. It has a gash in the side of it. I love these things and have two already that I use for other things. One is bedspread size. One is folded in half and lives on top of my piano. My grandma made the one on the piano. The bedspread size one I wrote a check for $100 to capture back when I thought I made good money. I'm still very happy I bought it. No one spends the hours it takes to make these things anymore.

A friend of mine crochets all the time. I showed her the hole and asked if it could be re-crocheted in that spot to fix it. She frowned at me. It's not a very practical, nearly impossible for someone to come along later and try to recreate the original stitch inside a damaged spot. So I folded the thing up and dropped it off in the corner of my sewing room to forget about.

I came across it recently and decided to get over my frustration about it - to just use it "as is" on my table because I love it and 99% of it is beautiful and perfect. Like me. I spread it over my table and it was a perfect fit. Then I turned it around so the hole was in the back. That's what my grandma would have done, I believe. And we had a dinner party. It was perfect.

But the next week my eye kept getting caught on that dang hole. It was originally a slice I believe - maybe only a couple inches long - one straight gash. But, when it was washed, it raveled out and created this 2" by 2" gaping hole.

I decided it couldn't get worse. At the very least, I could hand catch enough tips of the torn spot so that it wouldn't continue to unravel - especially as I will need to wash it sometime. I brought in my needle and some white thread and chipped at it - little by little. Walking away when I got frustrated. Picking up the needle again when I could see two tips that needed to be joined.

My grandma would be proud!

Note: My Grandma would be proud - as I see several make do solutions in the photo of my dining room! The dining room set was a steal of a deal at a consignment shop - $150 for the table and six sturdy chairs. The chair seats were covered in an off white upholstery which my husband and I worked together to replace with brown pebbled leather-look vinyl I ordered off ebay (about $30 total cost). I made all the drapes and sheers in the window. My husband and son built the oak window seat with drawers. The padding in the windowseat is covered in a vintage fabric piece I picked up for $10 at a local flea market type place. Woohoo! Sometimes I just forget how much we HAVE done when I get too caught up in what still needs done.

Gluten Free Pasta with Fresh Brussel Sprouts and Mushrooms

2014-01-21T01:06:00.000-06:00

This was a new recipe for me and we loved it. Brussel sprouts are rarely a first choice for us at the grocery store.

Last week, Mario of ABC's The Chew stated that most American's overcook their brussel sprouts. That's why we're not crazy about them and usually insist they be swimming in cheese sauce. Makes sense to me.

To keep from overcooking them in this recipe, Michael Symon was slicing the fresh brussel sprouts which makes them quick cooking in a skillet - much like you might do with a chinese dish. That's when I decided to try it.

http://abc.go.com/shows/the-chew/recipes/angel-hair-with-bacon-brussels-sprouts-and-mushrooms-michael-symon

Of course, I don't actually go to the website and read the recipe. Oh, no. I just wing it. Because, well, anyone who knows me knows that if I open up my browser I'm lost for a couple of hours in internet land.

For our adaptation, I used gluten free pasta. We don't keep angel hair pasta in the pantry - because I have granddaughters who request macaroni and cheese when they visit. But, this elbow stuff worked out great. This is the brand I have depended on for three years now and never been disappointed.

I cooked up two cups of dry pasta as directed on the package. I always use the energy saving method which means you only boil the pasta a couple of minutes then pull everything off the heat and let it set for about fifteen minutes. I do this because I am forgetful and I hate overcooked gluten-free pasta. This option lets me walk away and come back later.

I chopped one pound of fresh brussel sprouts into about 1/4" slices. And sliced about eight portabella mushroom, diced an onion and a clove of garlic. Sorry I didn't take photos before - but here are the containers after I had used what I needed for my recipe. Brussel sprouts must be in season right now - I don't think I've ever noticed a full one pound package of them before at my grocery store.

In my cast iron skillet, I used about 2 tablespoons of butter to saute the onion and garlic. The butter cooked away and I added about another tablespoon of olive oil to keep everything from sticking. Then I added the chopped brussel sprouts and mushrooms and cooked until softened but not thoroughly cooked through.

As everything was finishing up - I remembered that Michael Symon had used bacon to start his onions and garlic on the episode of The Chew. I used two cooked sausage links leftover from the weekend - chopped them and threw them in at the end. They weren't necessary for flavor - thus I think this recipe would be good done vegetarian.

I added about 1/2 teaspoon of dried basil. Then I sprinkled on some real parmesan cheese (the kind I keep in the freezer not the green can we use for pizza).

All in all, I probably added about 1/2 cup of parmesan cheese to the finished mixture - some stirred in and some sprinkled on top.

We really liked it! As I've grown more accustomed to cooking everything gluten-free and from scratch - I've gotten more adventurous with the vegetable-heavy dishes like this one. My husband, who is not gluten-free, eats with me so he makes some adaptations on his plate. He ate his serving alongside a chunk of leftover beef brisket. But it's still a win as his plate was 3/4 vegetables and pasta.

Granddaughter Stories: This New Place That's Kind Of Like A Library, But It's Not

2014-01-12T11:33:00.001-06:00

My four year old granddaughter called yesterday - excited to tell about this new place she went with Momma........

It's kind of like a library, but it's not. You can't just pick out as many books as you want. You can only pick out one book.

But then you pay for it.

And then you get to keep it...

FOREVER!

Cool place, huh?

If you want to visit this new place, you can google Barnes and Noble. Maybe there's one near you?

Making Beef Tallow

2014-01-11T11:48:00.004-06:00

I made beef tallow this week.

My kitchen is a disaster. Please ignore the window casing ugliness. I'm married to a carpenter - this was the beginning of a "whole house gets new windows project" that began in 1995. I think it's still on the to do list but at this point, I don't care anymore either.

Back to the tallow.....

See the beef kidney laying to the left? We live in beef country. Think Kansas City, the K.C. Strip. Since Kansas City is a large urban area, of course, K.C. Strips got their name due to the herds of grass fattened cattle being shipped out of the Kansas City Stockyards to the rest of the country back in the days before refrigeration was plentiful. I live in the places where the cattle live before their big day in Kansas City. So all the farmers and ranchers around here keep a couple back for their own freezers and have them processed in local places.

Our neighbor - the butcher - brought over this heap of stuff in a clear plastic bag and proceeded to cut the thick casing of tallow off of each kidney. Then I began cutting this huge, thick, waxy white thing into about 1" chunks.

Everything I read on line said to cook it down on low heat on the stove top like this. See how clean and organized I was at this point? After a couple of hours of cooking with minimal progress, I dumped the whole mess into my biggest crockpot for the night.

This is what I had after everything cooled out. I dipped hot oil out of the crockpot a few times over the cooking hours. I'm sure it would have overflowed if I left it alone. As you can see, there was quite a bit of tallow and cracklins that came from this batch. The bowl is what I dipped out of the crockpot as it simmered for hours.

Be careful! Don't use anything plastic (bowl, dipper cup, spoons, etc)!

This is the leftover cracklins stuff. I'm planning to dump it all in with some flour, maybe an egg or two? and try to create dog bisquits. UPDATE: No need for all that - I melted this cracklin mess down again and poured it onto a cookie sheet with a nice tall rim so nothing could spill out. I let it cool out, then placed the thing in the freezer for a couple of hours. Once its frozen, twist the metal pan a bit and use a metal spatula to break it loose and into dog size chunks. Very easy. I put my gallon zip lock bag of dog treats back in my freezer.

As far as smelling up the house....yes. My house smelled like someone was cooking McDonalds french fries for a couple of days. Now that the whole mess has completely cooled out, we can't smell it anymore even though its all still sitting on the countertop waiting to be put into something for storage. It's almost like candle wax when its cooled out.

Now, on the other hand, I haven't seen where anyone has pointed out the smell of the kidneys themselves. Whooo---eee! The butcher held it up to my nose because originally I was asking if there was a use for the meat. And he said, "Maybe. But can't you smell it? I've spent too many years doing this. I can always smell it." Then he held one up to my nose. And, yes. Don't do that experiment unless you want to know. And never be able to forget it.

These were at a near gagging level until I decided to start using my 100 pound black lab dog as my disposal. Yummmmm...he was excited! I thought I'd wait and give him the other one tomorrow in case kidney meat is rich for his system.

This last photo was an experiment - using a coffee filter to try and strain out the smaller bits of cracklins. As you can see, it didn't work and now I have two more pans to wash. But I may try it again just for the idea of creating stackable cakes of the tallow for the freezer, rather than trying to dig the hardened stuff out of jars later.

So........the big question remains...Why did I make beef tallow?

Two reasons. In trying to get mentally and physically healed after my crash of 2010. I came across information on hormonal imbalance. Womancode is a new book out by Alisa Vitti. You can watch her talk at TED on a youtube video "Loving Your Ladyparts". From that point, I drilled in on adrenal crashes and found Dr. Lam. I now believe I had a pretty severe adrenal exhaustion and crash problem which nearly incapacitated me. I've been three years healing now and Dr. Lam states he believes it can take as long as twelve years to recover.

Dr. Lam believes people who are recovering from adrenal crashes need more animal fat and more salt in the diet. The American diet is nearly void of animal fats today. Remember when your Grandma kept a little can of grease beside the stove and reused it to fry eggs or potatoes? It wasn't until the late 1960's and early 1970's that people began buying vegetable oil at the grocery store. Before that, everyone just used the grease that naturally came from other foods they cooked. So, tallow is one way to reincorporate this way of cooking. This batch should last me for at least a year if not longer.

The second use is for skin. Beef tallow (or any animal fat, bison, sheep, deer, etc.) is much closer to the same content of what oozes out of our own skin. Since we shower so often, we scrub it off. The beef tallow is a way to put it back on the places that are getting crackly and dry. I'm trying it on my hands (bonus since puddles of it are all over my countertops) and my cuticles (love it already) and gingerly trying it on my face wrinkles (supposed to be "miracle like" results - I have no results after one overnight use - so no opinion, YET).

Well, I have a kitchen to scrap and scrub. Have you ever made tallow? How did it go?

Wave as You Drive Across Kansas This Holiday Season!

2013-12-19T22:54:00.001-06:00

Many Americans think of Kansas as “that long, boring stretch of interstate” on their way to somewhere else. Us old-timers are quite satisfied with the view this paints of our home state. We love our secret spaces; our uninterrupted views of horizons and sky. We procrastinate any thoughts of selling out our greatest and only resource – the open space – to join a world of unending allegiance to balance sheets and investor returns.

The prairie is the place where there is nothing. Yet, it is complexly everything. But you must still yourself to understand. “On the prairie, what you are left with is the bare truth, the land pared down to the bone, the basic dirt and grass and sky that shape the lives that play out upon it.” Tom Groneberg, The Secret Life of Cowboys, 2003.

The Flint Hills of Kansas are the last 4% of native tallgrass prairie on the planet. North American tallgrass prairie covered thousands of square miles until the arrival of white settlers and their plows in the 1800’s. According to Loren Lown in the 1995 book Grassland: The History, Biology, Politics and Promise of the American Prairie, “We have less than one tenth of one percent of our prairie. The rest died to make Iowa safe for soybeans.”

In the end, it was this stark ruggedness within the layers of the earth; the geology of limestone rock just under the surface that protected the prairie from extinction. Farmers seeking fortune gave up. They pulled up their stakes in the Flint Hills region and headed west.

In order to absorb and enjoy the vast emptiness here, you must be patient and curious. Day after day, fascinating opportunities arise; witnessing cowboys on horseback working loading chutes with newly arrived migrant cattle for the fat grass season. Moving cattle along gravel roads with the assistance of their dogs to opened barbed wire gates and fresh grass. At noon, the local diners are filled with cowboys, dusty and sweat streaked in their chaps and bandannas, their hats and gloves stacked neatly beside their plates of fresh hamburgers. The smell of fresh cow shit wafts from their boots; the real kind; the kind that won't hang you if you slip too far out of your saddle.

It’s simple here. We love visitors who are willing to slow down and experience a bit of life as we believe it was meant to be. “There are people who think of the prairie as boring and it’s hard not to pity them.” Candace Savage, (2004 Prairie: A Natural History).

Managing at Home: The Sliding Puzzle Dilemna

2013-12-11T13:19:00.000-06:00

copied from www.hellokids.com

Are you old enough to remember the little sliding puzzles? The last one that we had around here was a picture of Santa. Children (or adults) slide the little squares around until all the pieces line up to reveal Santa's face or the answers to a math or word, or pattern challenge.

I'm here to tell you that this little game sums up my most frustrating thoughts on housekeeping and home management! Although this game is fun, it is entirely another experience to be the person who must constantly move all the pieces back to their correct places. It's a full time job in itself. And this is my life as a stay-at-home mom who is now a stay-at-home grandmother and wife.  This is my gig.

Do you notice that there is always that empty spot somewhere on the board?  That's what makes it all work.  It's the starting point. The opening. It leads to the step-by-step frustration and challenge. Here's how it plays out in my life....

A slightly too big Tupperware bowl sits by the sink. Great for popcorn. All washed and dried but taking up too much space. My husband helps by putting it away so he can cook breakfast. But, where does it go? hmmmm.....

There's an empty spot on the pantry shelving. It fits.  Great! Kitchen looks better.

He might as well put the rest of these clean dishes by the sink away. The bowl we used to mix the pumpkin pie filling.  Where does it go? Pantry shelf? Yes, just enough room if he stacks it tightly inside the Tupperware bowl and then kind of tilts the whole arrangement until it slides in.  Done. Out of sight.

After breakfast, he helps by unloading the dishwasher. Two glass pie pans. Homemade pumpkin pie now just a memory. Yummmm! Wonder where these go? Hey, there's a smidgeon of space on the pantry shelf, except that big Tupperware bowl is in the way. Oh, look! Here's a wide open, empty spot in the carousel cabinet. They fit. Success!

Beaters for the mixer? He's lived here 28 years. No idea where they go. Sees some nice open space in the silverware drawer. Must be where these go. Congratulates himself on his resourcefulness.

Butcher knife? Hmmm.... silverware drawer seems like a good option. Ooops, no space.   But, there's just enough of a sliver of space in the drawer with the can opener if he moves the hot pads to the next drawer down.  Done.

And on and on the game goes as he creates a picture on the sliding puzzle that is our home. Which, I admit, might be fun. Except, the next day I need my mixing bowl and beaters. I keep my bowls stacked in the carousel cabinet. You know, the biggest bowl on the bottom with the smaller one inside. But just the small one is waiting when I open the carousel.  And next to it are two pie pans taking up alot of horizontal space in this, the only cabinet I have with good, useful vertical space.  I go to the pantry to stack the two pie plates with their lonely cohort on the shelf. And notice a curious arrangement on the top shelf where the food processor usually sits.  What is that bowl doing up there? My glass mixing bowl nearly bonks me on the head as I tug on what should be a nearly weightless Tupperware bowl.

Then I start the search for the beaters and square by square move things back to where they originally started.

It's not that I'm such an expert on where these things should go. It's that I'm the one who suffers when things are in odd places. Like the time I dragged over a kitchen chair to get to the back of one of my upper cabinets....because....well, for weeks, months even, the door wouldn't shut. Just what the he!! was in there that NOTHING that belonged in there would fit?   I discovered a giant disposable plastic container, the one you get with a decorated cake, very carefully washed and CRAMMED in the farthest back of the cabinet.  Hogging nearly half the cabinet's useable space. So more than a cubic foot of prime real estate in my kitchen absorbed by something, empty with the lid on it no less, that should have went into the recycle bin months ago!

It makes me crazy! I get alot of help like this. Always have. And I struggle to smile and say, "Thank you". Because everyone wants to be helpful.

I wrote a household rule about this.  I posted it.  And he said, "uh-huh".  Want to know what it said?  "If you don't know where something goes, do not put it away! Leave it for me to take care of."

I don't know. Was it not written clearly enough?

And wonder just how BEZERK he would be if I spent a couple hours every Saturday morning out in his shop just kind of, you know, rearranging things in a more useful way. Putting them where I think they belong. Like all the screws in groups by color, or all the spray cans in alphabetical order by brand name.

Feeling too fat to be photographed?

2013-02-04T11:48:00.000-06:00

Boy, did I ever need to read this today. You must read it right away, too. Click on the link below.

Your family and loved ones are waiting for you to get over yourself!

So, you're feeling too fat to be photographed?

Thank you to Teresa Porter of My Friend Teresa Photography of Cary, North Carolina. I don't know you - but I love your courage and truth.