Mel Gibson burns down the house and puts the “raped by a pack of n words” curse on the HGs.

OK, so that probably won’t happen, but a boy can cross his fingers. Our lovely Chenbot comes out wearing a blue sheet of some sort, tied hastily so she can open it up quickly and gas BabyBot up during commercials. Kind of the modern version of those long underwear people used to wear in the old days with a buttoned trap door in the back so you could just poop the second you came upon a well dug hole.

It’s called formula, Julez. Keep those things inside.

She tells us that the saboteur is out (lamest saboteur ever. Told you to never trust a bisexual!), the power couple is in (God please let Brendon cry tonight. PLEASE) and someone made a bold (re; fucking idiotic) move that could cost him the game. And his wife’s legs, if you hear him tell it.

Previously, the guy who openly refers to himself as a Pussy showed off his attempts at the young and stylish (in the early 2000s on Bravo shows) fauxhawk.

Bald guys. SHAVE. You’re not fooling anyone.

Boob City wielded her power carefully. Her vagina, however, she threw all over the backyard with abandon.

Which Pussy is more intelligible? Let’s vote.

You guys. How awesome has it been watching Monet and Britney be total bitches and then cry like little bitches? I have been laughing my ass off over here. Well, not off. It’s still there. Britney would eviscerate me over my fat ass. Now I feel sad. I forgot what I was talking about.

On a sidenote, Monet looks like a super beige version of the sister on Dexter.

Or a monkfish.

Britney won the power of veto and the “evil genius” Matt put himself on the block. Why? I don’t really understand that. But I don’t understand BB in general. I just watch and laugh and feel smart and stuff. Why am I talking about last night? Cuz the booming announcer guy is. Screw this, announcer guy. Let’s live in the NOW, mkay?

I’ve been to the live show, and those seats are TINY. I can’t believe they even fit this crowd in. Someone needs to open a Golden Corral across the street. They’ll make billions.

On the first show of the season, Chenlet looked a little motherly. Now she’s thin as a rail again. WTF? I’m guessing super Spanx. We’ll never see her from the back cuz some poor pa’s have been assigned to gather all her excess skin and tie it off behind her.

Solar Power: Best Diet Evah

Rachel got dressed up tonight. She’s even wearing underwear.

As her outfit, but still. Baby steps.

We pick up where we left off last night. Rachel made it clear that Matt is just a pawn, and Monet stalks off with Britney and says that Rachel’s “a stupid bitch if she thinks it’s in her best interest to target me.” Well, in less than five seconds you’ve called her a bimbo, and idiot, a hooker, a bitch and a slut. Not that you’re wrong, but still. You can kinda see where Rachel’s coming from.

Rachel is pretty confident that Monet is going home, but that probably won’t happen, just cuz it’s Big Brother and logic has no role here. Matt goes into the pantry and high fives Lane like he just did something intelligent. Then he says he’s in a “powerhouse alliance.” LOL. Rachel and Brendon make out and stuff. Then Britney cries because she’s gonna miss Monet. Violins play, and Monet and Brit cry together. Britney does it prettier. Monet says everyone’s stupid and Rachel could have just nominated Matt without jabbing her with the “just as a pawn” line. Britney deadpans “She also could have worn a shirt, but we can’t make all her decisions for her Monet.” Monet says she wishes Boob City would just go back to stripping in Vegas and Britney rolls her eyes. “She’s a scientist, Monet.” HAHAHAH. LONG LIVE BRITNEY.

Monet talks about how trashy Boob City is. While facing the camera with her legs wide open.

Dear God. I don’t know if I’ve thanked you lately for creating shorts. THANKS. Love, Flipit

Matt comes in and joins their pity party. He smiles big and talks about how pissed he is. He’s convinced that Boob will be out next week. He plays innocent and then brags in the DR about how awesome he is. Out on the patio, some girl comes out to talk to Hayden.

Who the f is this?

The most that girl has ever talked is in the opening credits. Hayden tells us that he’s in a super secret showmance with her. It’s secret because no one in a showmance makes it far. Um…Jordan won last year. Boogie? Dicklet got second and she was in a showmance. A sick skeletal whiny one, but a showmance is a showmance. They don’t call him Haydum for nothing. “We’re keepening it on the down low.” Except when you’re following her around and pawing at her and stuff in front of everyone. You’re about as down low as a preacher at a Chuck E Cheese.

Sorry it’s dark. Not you, Kristen. Where’d that giant stuffed animal go?

Hayden tells Kristen how hot she is and how into her he is and she’s so pretty and wow boobies. She lays there like a dead fish and mutters umhmmm a lot. She tells us that she’s developing true feelings for Hayden. How can you not? Especially in the dark when you just feel him and listen to him say how hot you are without having to look at that face. Hayden whispers “no one can know!” Pan over to Tevya, the happiest Jew in the world, trying to get in his two AM prayer service before going to sleep. He says he can hear slurping and grunting and it’s like trying to fall asleep while any movie starring Barbra Streisand is playing. Bonertown.

Yeah Babs. Spin that dradle. YES. YES!!!!!

Porn music plays during the smoochies, and Tevya rolls over to cover his menshy hardhat until Kristen leaves. The next morning, Boobs comes down to show of some whore zebra she had killed and turned into a bathing suit.

She is worried that somehow the votes to oust Monet won’t come through so she wants to see where Kristen’s head is at. She yanks it out of Hayden’s crotch and tells her that Monet and Britney are going around telling everyone that they have Kristen’s vote. Kristen vows that they’re lying and gets super pissed about it. Stupid Boobs. Just let it be! You’re gonna fuck it all up! Kristen, of course, immediately confronts Britney about it, and Britney denies it. She calls over Monet and tells her the news. Sheriff sneaks off to Boobs to warn her that the shit’s about to hit the very slowly moving fan. Tattle tale!

Kristen says she just wanted to make sure that there was no misunderstanding because there is no way Matt deserves to go home over Monet. Monet doesn’t really get where the hate’s coming from and tries to calmly shrug it off. Then Boobs comes down with Emo Brendon to say that she put Monet up cuz she would have done the same to “me and Brendon”. Enough already with the “me and Brendon” crap. Do you guys even know each other’s last names? Jesus. Relationships like this aren’t fun to watch. Until they explode. How much more interesting did Jennifer Aniston become once everyone started breaking up with her? Not at all. I forgot my point.

Monet says it’s unfair to act like she was being a bitch when she wasn’t and Boobs gets all defensive and says that she doesn’t use derogatory terms like “bitch”. Monet gets all teary and runs off to cry, but not before telling Boobs she’s lucky she’s walking away. Darn. I thought there was gonna be some hair pulling and screeching, and all I get is more Monet tears.

Waaaaaaahhhhh!

Later that night, Britney decides that it might be a good idea to make nice with Boobs just in case she wins HOH again in the future. She promises that she hasn’t lied, no matter what anyone said. Boobs looks disbelieving. Or tired. Or miserable. I don’t know what that look is, but whatever it is it’s not flattering.

Less sun, more fish oil and water. And naps.

Boobs tells us that she wants Britney as an ally, so she tells her that Matt volunteered to go up as a pawn to get Monet out. Brit’s tears are instagone. She laughs and tells Boobs that Matt’s been acting super pissed that he was put up. Then she waits for Boobs’ tiny brain to start inventing, which it does. “And he says he’s gonna put me and Brendon up! I knew he was gonna do this!” Um, isn’t he supposed to act pissed? Isn’t that the point of this whole thing? Britney just keeps her mouth shut and lets Boobs get herself worked up. She starts crying and says that she told Brendon Matt was fucking with them and she was right. She decides to call a house meeting for some answers. HA! This girl is a freaking idiot and I LOVE IT. Do your best to turn the entire house against you more than they already are. Twit.

Tevya doesn’t come to the meeting cuz he’s…guess. A. Writing a Shoe Salesman Autobiography to keep his cover B. Tanning C. Jerkin while looking through a book of coupons. None of the above! He’s praying!

God must be like “dude shut the fuck up already I have a LIFE.”

Rachel tells everyone that Matt is a pawn and she feels like he’s playing both sides of the house. The evil genius is stumped. But still smiling like a jackass. Monet starts crying and yelling at Matt for playing her when this was all his idea. He says he felt strong armed by Boobs and Brendon and that he was forced to follow whatever they said. Boobs says he flat out begged to be put up and then ran to Britney and Monet to promise to go against Boobs. He stands up for himself, saying that Boobs and Brendon are in an overt alliance and everyone is gonna try to get them out. Then he asks “am I in an alliance with anyone?!” The Brigade puts their heads down in unison. Smooth. After a looong pause, PussyPussy shrugs and stutters “what the alliance? What’s that? I donna know about alliances pizza pie parmesan ciao bella principessa!”

Brendon says that Dr. Evil has shown his true colors and people will vote how they vote. Monet tells the HGs that they can vote her out for winning ten thousand bucks if they want but Matt is a liar and a really good one and he’ll screw them all if they’re not careful. Matt smiles and twitches and stuff. Chenlet comes on the big TV and asks a bunch of dumb questions. Then she shows us some clips from the haves and have nots competition. Britney laughs and laughs. No clips of her saying how personal everyone was getting by splurting in her face. Ragan says that getting splooged in the face was a typical night in West Hollywood and then surprises everyone by singing a Donna Summer tune while popping out the anal beads he’s been clenching since day one.

Chendra asks Britney how much this week sucked, and Brit says it sucked harder than Boob City putting herself through online college. Tevya is given a chance to talk about NASCAR. I mean Judaism. He says that he’s super religious and yay God and dradle dradle dradle and matza balls. Sheriff is asked a viewer question: is it harder being a sheriff or a HG. She says it’s harder being a HG cuz there’s not a drug store at every corner and she’s only got one case of mascara left. “Nice talking to with you, Houseguests!” It’s pretty stunning that with all the hours on the job, Chentilly can get so much…the same. Chental calls Boobs up to the HOH suite and Boobs looks scared.

I think that TV is talking to me.

She gives Chenriqua a Heygirlheeeeey! and laughs in that horsey way she does. She tells Chensei that Matt is a snake and she’s glad that she called him out. Then she says “Brendon and me” like five times. She thinks that she has the house on “me and Brendon’s side!” Chen asks if she’s ever fallen so hard for a guy so fast, and Boobs says she’s fallen hard on one but for one is a different story and she would take Brendon over the cash. There is nothing that pisses me off more than people in love. Well, that’s not true. Rich people in love piss me off more. Ooh rich people with hair in love. I’m getting super mad right now.

Time for the don’t evict me speeches. Monet tremble cries and speaks bad English. Matt says that he considers everyone his friends and blah. Then he calls Julie The Chenbot!! LOL!! BRILLIANT. Tevya votes out Monet, and points out that she’s got ten thousand dollars and he’s Jewish. PussyPussy votes for Monet, Britney votes for Matt, Sheriff votes out Matt, Hayden votes for Monet, Kristen votes for Monet, Ragan votes for Monet. She’s screwed. Brendon votes for Matt, obvs. Lane votes for Monet, too. And she’s out! She’s praying anyway.

Sooooo….ummmmm. This is awkward. You start.

Monet gets the hell out without even saying bye to Britney. She tells Chenlet that she already said bye and then cries her face off. She says the house made her crazy and outside she’s strong and stuff, even though she’s not as strong as she thought she was. It’s awkward, but ChenChen smiles anyway cuz she’s a pro. And a robot. Monet thinks that her winning money was an easy excuse to vote her out but she’s glad she’s got it. Chenzalez asks if she regrets talking bad about Boobs, and Monet says no. LOL. Then she talks about how up front and honest she is. Uh-huh.

In the goodbye videos, Tevya tells her off and says that she has no game. Sheriff cries and says that she loves her. Dr. Evil says she’s a casualty of war. Boobs tells her off for trying to break up “me and my man”. Then she starts rolling her head and saying that if she wasn’t a cold blooded spinster she would know how to respect a relationship. Britney cries and says she’ll miss hanging out in the backyard and talking about how high waisted Kristen’s pants are and what a ho Boob is. And remember all the the things they dreamed about doing with Boobs’ hair extensions? HAHAHAH. How many times in one recap can I shout “Long live Britney”?

HOH competition! The HGs are positioned on surf boards, which means we’ll get to see Sheriff fall! YAY! The last person standing will win HOH, but the first five to fall off their boards will be the haves. Water falls on their heads, and Tevya is already thinking way too hard. He’s shifting back and forth and repositioning himself every five seconds and doing the eleven o’clock number from his barmitzvah. Then Lane shows us why he’s worth rooting for.

Wait. He’s wearing a t-shirt under it! Jeeeeze. Never mind. He just gave me a reason not to root for him. As more water comes gushing out harder at that HGs, we are left with the sounds of “woooooo! Go Brendon! (horsey laugh). It’s gonna be a loud summer.

My favorite thing about Nads leaving is that it gives me an excuse to make fun of my favorite shitty mag, People! YAAAY!!! The top story at the time of writing:

Landon Donovan will not have a love child as rumored, “which is good news for me.” Also good news to the woman who would have to push the giant Donovan forehead out of her jay. Let’s all take a moment and breath a sigh of relief for that girl.

Really, Bethenny? How bout you plan on tying your tubes and taking some of that Bravo money to, I don’t know, Mexico or something. Bethenny in Mexico? Bethenny Having More Babies? Bethenny No Longer Clogging Up My Plasma? That last question is the only one I want a firm “yes” to.

Oh poor Jesse. Let’s all feel sorry for him. Wah. Hey wait a second. He had a rich gorgeous talented wife that he screwed over for a Nazi porn star or some shit. How bout let’s feel bad for…THE KID. She’s lost a mom, she’s stuck with a nasty ass dad, and she has to see pics of Sandy with her new BuyABaby all over the mags. I’ll take you Sunny! I can teach you how to…clean. And sew curtains and stuff. We can be like a two member version of the Van Trapps. But you won’t be allowed to sing. And you’ll have to actually cook more than those kids. I forgot what I was talking about. I can’t wait for parenthood.

Kelly Osbourne had a man? I had no idea. And she lost him? WAH! Sorry, Kell!! Don’t worry. Now that you’ve had one, you can get another. Finding a man is like riding a bike…that keeps running away from you. That probably doesn’t help.

Well what do you want him to do, People? Cry his eyes out? Do you think that people are on the Housewives shows because they’re rich and happy and have their shit together and have no problems? No. They go on those shows because they are broke bitches who want a free rented house for a couple months at a time. Let them be. When his cars get repossessed too, then it’s time for a good laugh. There’s nothing funnier than tow trucks. Stupid People.

How is that even possible? Didn’t Snookie get punched in the face by a dude last season? This year: hatchets. Fingers crossed!

Well, who wouldn’t wanna get rid of a kid named Kyron? America, stop giving your kids stupid names. Please. When you’ve got me siding with that evil whore of a woman it’s time to buy a book of baby names.

Man. It’s a struggle staying in the zines when you’re Enrique Iglesias. Water Skiing nude? Make a song or so that doesn’t suck, mkay? If you wanna be dude do it quietly and in my house.

Enough to keep an entire city’s contacts lubed.

We got to see other stuff too:

Extreme Jewiness

Wiener outlines and faces that weren’t cooked in the womb quite long enough.

Don’t forget a good old fashioned flamer!! Who’s kinda psychic apparently.

You’re gonna need to speak louder. Dammit dog stop mumbling you’re making mommy look like an idiot on national TV.

And….more extreme Jewiness.

Well, part my sea and call me Moses you’ve got some GORGEOUS TOES!

When we left off, Hayden the butterfaced buff guy nominated Boob City and Brendan for eviction. Most likely because he wasn’t the first one to get chased down by the slutty bimbo. I love that Hayden told Brendan that since he wasn’t accounted for during the big blackout that he is now “a suspect.” It’s like Clue, but with no deductive reasoning involved at all. And no candlesticks. Those would have come in handy.

Thank you so much for nominating me. Sorry about your face.

Brendon hugs Hayden and then goes around hugging everyone, like he just won the nomination for prom queen. He thinks he was put on the block because Hayden’s intimidated by him. Meh, who knows? What I do know is, Brendon has a hard time getting his sideburns straight.

When the lights went out and he couldn’t find his toothbrush, he just barbered himself instead.

Enzo the mafia wannabe, or as I like to call him, Pussy, tells us “da Brigade is runnin things right now!” I can’t help but like Pussy, cuz he’s the type of guy to try and wear those tidal wave bangs even when he’s way past thinning.

Hayden says that he put up Brendon cuz he’s “physically capable and mentally unbelievable.” Just like last year’s winner. You can never be too careful.

“I always hated the kids you were trying to cheat from that would cover their papers.”

Brendon and Boob City beeline toward each other and both cross their arms under their boobs for some reason. Cuz they’re totally into each other for their brains and stuff.

They go into the peach Golden Girls room and stutter words at each other. Brendon thinks they’re up on the block “cuz we’re like a couple type deal” and says that if he has to go out now, at least he met Boob City. She smiles and he smiles and I start crying a little and banging my head on the desk and muttering “I’m gonna die aloooone” over and over again while snot drips out of my nose.

Annie shows up a few minutes later to express her shock and dismay and really poorly thought out blouse, and she is soon followed by Lane, who is wearing a t-shirt for a really big girl. It’s literally got the boob shape cut into the top. Come on, Lane! I know Lane Bryant has good sales, but you look ridonk.

I saw this in the store and it had my name on the tag so I walked out with it.

I don’t generally believe in bisexuality, and think Annie is probably just new to the scene and afraid of calling herself a lez. That said, she’s pretty obviously checking out Lane’s butt. Discuss.

Lane wants to make sure that Brendon knows nothing of the Brigade alliance. No word on whether or not anyone’s told him what Brigade means. Annie says that she really likes Boob City and Brendon but she has to be super careful of associating with them now or people will think she’s bisexual. As Pussy enters, Boob City is telling Brendon that there’s no way Hayden is the type to put them up together and she’s sure someone is in his ear. Pussy looks back and forth to Lane a whole lot, looking totally guilty. Brendon says that Hayden’s dumber than he thought, cuz now he has a big tough competitor going against him. LOL. I love when people get all cocky on Big Brother. It’s like hearing someone brag that they’re really good at slot machines.

Pussy doesn’t like that Annie’s giving compassionate face to the couple because it means that she’s playing all sides and it’s suspicious. Or fishy, if you will. What does “get the face” mean? I googled it and found an article about a burn victim trying to get free face surgery. Now I feel super compassionate.

Out in the backyard, Pussy gathers with Hayden and Lane to gossip. Hayden says…well why even type it?

Pussy follows that up with “they got devastated today.” Just in case someone catches on that that’s not really English, he says it again. I guess to make it a pattern so everyone starts talking like that. He tells Hayden that Annie has an alliance with Boob City and Brendon. Hayden, of course, falls for it. At least I think that’s what this means.

My parents left me alone AGAIN!!

Annie walks right up and sits with them. The guys are all quiet and nervous and shifty. She tries to charm them, but they’re frozen. Brendon and Boob go lay on the hammock together so Brendon can whine some more and kinda sniffle. LOL!!! HE’S CRYING!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Boob says if she wins the veto she’ll use it on him. Then they get under a blanket and talk about going on a date. At least I think that’s what Boob is saying. She sounds like she’s talking with her mouth full. I don’t see how that’s possible since they didn’t bring out food. Maybe she just has a really big tongue?

In the kitchen, the HGs watch the couple and giggle, and we are treated to slurping and smacking sounds. Classy. Boob City says that she totally like feels like a twelve year old girl right now she’s not even kidding. If you were twelve years old I would give you a spanking, missy! Shame on you! At least take off the blanket. Chooch, are you getting this on the live feeds? Please send me pics. Thanks and love, Flipit.

Hayden is all offended that instead of worrying about being on the block and making him feel all powerful that they’re getting some instead. Sad horns. The next morning, Brendon wet naps his crotch and goes to the HOH room to talk to Hayden. They “dude” and “yeah, like” a lot. Brendon says that he refuses to campaign against Boob City. He will try to win the veto, and if he does he threatens to come after Hayden. Hayden is offended, but smart enough to shut up since he’s out of power soon. Brendon wants to get rid of the Sheriff types first, and then he stumps for Annie, confirming the bs that Pussy spilled into Hayden’s ear last night. OY. Brendon should, like, talk less. Hayden makes no promises and looks like he can’t wait to run straight to Pussy and gossip like a little biatch.

The HGs gather to pick players for the Veto Competition. Sheriff Mascara looks like she’s about to sob. This bitch is crazy and I hope she’s around long enough to show us just how much.

Brendon says that he will take himself off if he wins, and Boob City says that she will take Brendon off. UGH. She thinks that she will have a better chance of staying if she’s up against someone else than he will if he is. Seriously, women? GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. I hope that the competition has something to do with who can get the first signs of a bad back or something so she has a chance of winning just so I can see if she’ll really be that stupid.

Pussy’s name is pulled first. That’s two Brigaders playing. Andrew Tevya is next. Boob City picks Monet’s name out, and as she does it she rolls her eyes. It might have gotten past Monet….oh wait no it didn’t.

Monet says she wanted to use her giant boobs as punching bags in that moment. LOL. Hayden chooses Annie as the host. Pussy, Hayden and Matt (I think that’s his name. The dorky one. Typing that was quicker than looking it up and he hasn’t really made an impression yet) get together to talk. Hayden wants to keep Boob City (shocker) and get rid of Brandon, and if one of them wins veto he wants to put Annie up. Pussy disagrees because “if dat bitch ends up stayin’ she’ll start serious shit.” Wow. And correct. He wants Sheriff Mascara on the block, cuz “no one’ll fuckin vote huh oaf”. I think that she’s already been mentioned as the one to go home like five times by different people, so that’s probably wrong. Hayden is sold either way. Pussy’s got a hold on his tiny little Eight is Enough head.

Later, Brendon goes back up to Hayden’s room to get a firm answer from him about whether or not he’s gonna get some help. Then he pulls out the ole “he’s either with me or he’s against me.” Jesus. I think the last time I heard that was when Bush was threatening the world if they didn’t help him find Osama. I am putting money on the table that Brendon will use “gonna smoke em out” at some point this episode.

Hayden has nothing to say really, but says thinking about all this is “a lot to chew over.” When pressed, he says that if he wins the POV he will keep the noms the same. Brendon lightly threatens him again and leaves to the Golden Girls room, where he mutters positive affirmations to himself. Time for the veto competition! Something tells me this will have to do with immigration.

The first person to have an anchor baby wins!

The backyard is filled with strung up pinatas. Boob City calls it “a pinata siesta”, which means a pinata nap. HA! In her defense, pinatas are kinda lifeless. Pussy whips off his shirt in the diary room. EW. Please don’t do that. Should people who don’t work out be allowed to take off their shirt? OF COURSE. But not on my TV, k?

Cuz I don’t wanna go through this alone.

The game is called Cinco de Mayo, as in mayonnaise. Cuz there’s rotten mayo in the pinatas. More food in a challenge. Whoever comes up with these games has a serious eating disorder. Hidden in the mayo are letters. They have to collect the letters and make the longest word possible. YAY word games!! I love these on this show. The HGs who aren’t playing have to sit right up close to the action so they get sprayed. Ragan complains about it as gayly as possible because this is Big Brother and we wouldn’t you to get confused as to who’s who.

Gay Guy

It’s pretty traumatic all around.

Hayden brags that he plays college baseball so he knows how to swing a bat. I can’t wait to see how confident he is when it gets to the spelling part. He said “chews over”, you guys. Lane says getting “hit in the face with dairy” is downright unfair. I’ll tell you what’s unfair.

Does this man ever age?

Britney tries holding onto Lane, but he swats her off. Boob City isn’t good with “any kind of bat”. I am sure we all find that hard to believe. She slams the pinatas into the tree stumps to break them. Pussy says “you gotta go street on da pinadas. Gotta go street.” From the looks of it, that means tapping the pinatas super gently over and over again until they admit to cheating at canasta. Tevya has no problem with this challenge because if mayo gets in his mouth it’s totally kosher. OMG I totally forgot he was Jewish for a second. And how can that mayo be kosher? Doesn’t kosher mean it wasn’t touched by human hands or something? I am starting to question my own Jewiness now. Thanks, Tevya. Jerk.

Brendon is just getting as many letters as possible and trying to figure it out as he goes, but Hayden is trying to spell Journeyman. LOL. He says he’s only missing one letter, but he’s got E F B E N A Y E, which isn’t even close. I love this show. Pussy tells us he used ta work in a factory, wid pipes, brayass, nipples, stainless steel…wait. WHAT? I have no idea what this fool is saying, but I wish he would stop leaning back. His back flab is jiggling all over the couch and it’s mesmerizing. Trying to concentrate here, Pussy!

Tevya tells us that since he’s a doctor, he plans on spelling an eleven letter word. He’s a fucking foot doctor, k? He works with toe jam and hangnails. Unless there’s a crossword puzzle in the back of every Daily Jew Jewy Jewishness Jew News for Jews, I am calling it. He’s full of shit and probably can’t spell. Boob City is trying to spell Chemistry, cuz it’s “like my go to word”, but she’s missing two letters.

Hayden spelled Possible, and he does so correctly. I have to pause and rewind to make sure. Wow. Good for him. Pussy spells Factory, but it has less letters than Possible so he’s out. Boob City whips out Chemistry, beating Hayden. Atta girl!! Brendon is smiling and clapping for her, which means his word is bigger. She wanted to say she spelled that cuz she and Brendon have chemistry but she didn’t want the other HGs to get mad. Then she does that dumb laugh thing. Britney rolls her eyes and tells us that Boob City is trying too hard to convince us all that she’s an important scientist when we all know she makes her money with her giant boobs. Those are pretty strong words coming from a girl named Britney. And also true.

Monet spelled Cheaters, but it’s not enough to unseat Boob. Brendon spelled Understanding. Wowee! Thirteen letters. Tevya, who people are now calling Captain Kosher (blech), is very proud of his word. Pasturized. Bwahahahah told ya! It’s too short and spelled way wrong. Back to the toe jam, faker! Brendon wins! He says he’s coming for Hayden, which should be fun to watch. Boob City, dumb as a brick, is thrilled that Brendon won. Tevya insists that he threw the competition. Riiiiiiight. Meanwhile, Sheriff Mascara tries her hardest to get fired from her job like that idiot cop who posed for Playboy. She’s gonna have to try harder than this. This is just creepy. And you can’t get fired for that.

I’ll stick with being unlucky. Thanks.

Pussy and Matt talk about who to tell Hayden to put up. They don’t wanna get rid of Sheriff cuz “she’s useless”, so they decide Annie would be the best choice because she’s in the three person alliance. So silly. What can a three person alliance even do at this point? While we’re at it, what good is this four person alliance? How are they gonna get enough people on their side without looking like an alliance? And if they’re not supposed to be in an alliance publicly, then why are they hanging out together all the time in the HOH? And why am I typing so much about this? I think so I can have it on pause for a long time and stare at Pussy’s boobs.

Of course they’re advertising on this show.

I am in Texas visiting the family right now. It’s the first time I’ve seen a nightly news ad in half a year that didn’t feature bleached teeth or a weave.

How refreshing to see a fat old guy on the news. Long live Texas!

And we’re back. Pussy calls a Brigay meeting in his – I mean Hayden’s HOH room. “I think we should make a Brigay powuh move”. He says Annie is a liar and is the best player in the house. Has Annie done anything but cry about having a girlfriend? Britney comes into the HOH and gets on board with getting rid of Annie. Hayden doesn’t seem to be on board with this, so Pussy keeps repeating himself over and over again really aggressively. He’s sure he’s got little Hayden following right along.

Annie goes to hang with Britney and Monet. Monet gets out of there early, and Britney immediately tells Annie that Hayden suspects her of being in an alliance with the Boob couple. Britney is starting shit for no reason, and it’s gonna blow up in her stupid face. Annie immediately goes to find Hayden for a chat. She says that she heard that she was in an alliance and Britney’s the one who told her. HAHAHAH. Stupid Britney. Hayden is confused, but that’s pretty normal. He cryptically tells her that things will work themselves out.

Then he goes to Lane, another fount of knowledge, for advice. He thinks that Annie is scared now so if they save her she will owe them a vote later. If they get rid of Sheriff Mascara, it will be “less dramatizing to the rest of the house.” Listening to Lane grunt out words one by one very slowly as he pounds an apple back and forth in his giant hands is adorable, horrifying, and sad all at the same time. If there was ever an argument against the public school system in this country, it’s this show.

The saboteur comes on the screen to give a clue or something. Two of the HGs are lifelong friends! Sheriff Mascara looks skerd. The end of the clue is that it’s easy to figure out. Britney and Monet, cuz they’re both from towns where parents give their children really stupid names. People start guessing who the liars are. Tevya’s theory is my fave: Matt and Ragan are in a gay relationship. That’s just blindingly gross enough to consider. Tev gets super paranoid, stands up and kinda shouts that there’s no way he’s the saboteur because no one knows anything about Judaism. HAHAHAH. This guy’s hilarious. The HGs laugh at him openly and say they don’t buy it, and he’s not helping his cause by shifting back and forth and talking so fast and looking so goddamned freaked out. Dumbass. Pussy leaves saying that the saboteurs game is “caca”. HA.

Hayden mentions that Sheriff and Britney could be mom and daughter, which actually makes sense to me. I have no clue. I think Pussy’s the saboteur, but that’s all I know for now. Without really knowing of course. Time for noms!! Boob City doesn’t try to get him to take her off, and he doesn’t. Hayden replaces Brendon with….Annie. She smiles and says she knew it would happen. I couldn’t get the rest of it, but I think she said “lies..evil whims. Britney!” Hey, Britney warned you what are you pissed at her for?

Hayden might be right…

Annie tells us she’s pissed and blames Britney. She is convinced that she’s not gonna leave. Britney says she’s sick of that stupid skank and everyone knows Annie is looney, leaving Britney “off scotch free.” Well, glad you’re sober.

Who will be the first person out? I’m thinking Annie’s gonna dig her own grave on this one by losing her shit. So far I’m enjoying the season. How bout you? Thanks for being here. Sound off below.

Flipit: Sitting here staring at the TV. I am watching some weird doctor show while I wait. Everyone’s wahing about insurance.

Schoonie: I’m watching Access Hollywood, and they are talking about Emmy nominations. If both Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul don’t win, I’m going to start clotheslining Emmy voters!

Flipit: EW. This is that Jada Pinkett Smith show. That family needs to be stopped.

Taking over Hollywood, one crappy project at a time.

Schoonie: SO EXCITED

Flipit: ME TOO!!! It’s not right for LoLo to not be here tonight. We’re supposed to be a threesome!

Schoonie: Is it possible that this will be our fourth summer together? INDEED

Flipit: That’s crazy. Ah, the memories! I wish Amber could be on this year. I miss her crypraying.

Schoonie: Whatever, I’m sure she has a very successful modeling career right now.

Flipit: Doing ads for Kleenex with crucifix patterns on it. America’s Next Top Crypray Model.

Schoonie: I mean, I haven’t opened a Laura Ashley catalog recently, but I’m pretty sure she’d be in there

Flipit: I forgot about her “I should be a model” thing. You know, smoking weed is good cuz you can relive fun memories over and over like it’s the first time.

(weird pause.)

Flipit: I have missed you. There I said it. Then I coughed and adjusted my balls.

Schoonie: Awwwwwww. You too…our alliance is unbreakable, no matter who is HoH.

Flipit: Holler! When is this damn show gonna start already! Hey there’s a robot commercial on tv right now. Did they do that on purpose?

Schoonie: HERE IT IS!

Flipit: WOAH! MAMABOT!

Schoonie: OMG her suit is RED

Flipit: She looks amazing with a little meat on her bones! I feel so much better out my body issues right now. Babies: the great equalizer.

Schoonie: It’s kind of weird that she’s no longer pregnant.

Flipit: The bot with some calories in her oil can. This is gonna be a super famous season.

The bot welcomes us to the 12th season of BB in her usual charming, adorably stilted way. Let’s take a look at the house!

The Golden Girls: 2030

Flipit: Tonight: Lots of neon and lit walls.

Schoonie: The house is mad neon.

Flipit: This house blows. Did you see the UK house? Ours barely got a paint job and a few chain wall treatments.

Flipit: A stripper would call this house tacky.

The bot comes back on to tell us how the game is gonna be played this season. Mostly like every other season.

Will this be the year that someone realizes this isn’t checkers?

Flipit: The Margaret Chobot

Schoonie: Oh I get it, every Asian lady is Margaret Cho. RACIST.

Flipit: It was fattist too. Racist and fattist in one sentence cancel each other out.

Schoonie: What’s with the asymmetrical blouse?

Flipit: It’s designed to let her whip out one boob for baby gas fill ups at a moment’s notice.

Julie tells us that this season, there is a secret saboteur.

Flipit: The saboteur’s no secret. Her name is GRODNER

The twist is that I will hand Evel Dick another win! Just for fuuuuuun!

Let’s meet some of the cast as they find their keys to the BB house!

Schoonie: I love that these people are “randomly” finding their keys in interesting places.

He’s smart to wear gloves. You never know where that key’s been.

Like I said. Gloves.

The chemist finds her key in a drawer full of urine samples. Nice.

Flipit: “I pray while I doctor people.” Dude, pray on your own time. I’m paying for this visit! There is such a thing as too much God. Just prescribe my Oxy and let’s both get on with our lives.

Who’s Jake?

Hayden tells us how the ladies love his hotness.

Schoonie: Seriously, Hayden?

Flipit: I can’t wait til he’s old and saggy. He’s gonna be so…lost.

Schoonie: Wow, her boobs are INSANELY scary

Flipit: I’m just a dumb girl with big boobs. Tehee!! What would Big Brother be without the sad stupid stripper? It’s like having a season of Project Runway without the overly flaming guy who tries to put his mark on urban lingo by repeating nonsense words over and over again.

RIIIGHT. You know that’s mouthwash.

Cuz mace is for pussies.

You’re under arrest. For wearing too much eyeliner.

Flipit: The sheriff is scaring me. The way she pokes so many layers onto her eyes that obsessively with an eyeliner pencil shows that she’s fearless and most likely pathological.

Self Described Genius…

Flipit: I’m a genius…with a neon plastic guitar.

Annie tells us she’s a bisexual and she’s totes gonna win cuz she can play both sexes.

That key will break out in sores by the end of the week.

Flipit: Both men and women know that bisexuals are sex addicts that can’t take sides. Never trust a bisexual! If anyone here has a brain she will be kicked out first.

Schoonie: Lane found his key in the anus of that horse.

Flipit: Well, he’s alone on a farm all day. There were no drawers to open.

Behind me is a drawing of a boobie. If you see one, RUN!

Flipit: Ugh. Gay guy with bow tie. Why? WHY?

Schoonie: I KNOW. As Pageant Talk would say,…

that is THE WORST.

Flipit: He has a PHD in communication studies. Then let me communicate this: stfu,k?

Schoonie: “Back Stabbing” is one word, genius. Nice PHD. Hi Kristen! You are amazingly hot.

The Jewish guy comes on and talks about being Jewish some more.

Schoonie: I seriously am already tired of Andrew talking about his religion.

Flipit: “Respect my religion!” I respect that you work out and make a doctor’s salary and have found a way to disguise your bald spot. Isn’t that enough?

Yamaka or bald spot hider?

Schoonie: And Enzo, WE KNOW you’re Italian

Flipit: That guy’s got a fake ass accent. Pizza piea tossa dougha mama mia Lugi Mario! SHUT UP. A couple of bowl haircuts. Just pointing it out cuz it’s important to take a stand against these before everyone is doing it.

Not ok.

Schoonie: Hey, at least Lane the cowboy knows he’s not a thinker.

Flipit: His strategy is to just be big and wait for a horse to come along that he can excavate for a prize.

Ragan tells us his strategy: he’s gonna become friends with the hot guy and then make him love him.



Flipit: You know what? I am offended that every time there’s a gay guy he’s super annoying right off the bat. That guy looks like Kentucky Fried Gay.

Time to check out the house!

Schoonie: What’s with the flowers in the studio?

Congrats on the fake baby! Here’s a bunch of fake flowers!

Flipit: I wonder if the chemist shows up like that to work?

Schoonie: I don’t think Rachel owns pants. Which is fine. But is definitely not safe in the chemistry lab when there’s a spill.

Flipit: She’s probably got tiny burn scars all over her legs up to right below her girl part. I can’t stop looking at them. That girl looks like she could feed an orphanage.

Schoonie: Like, with milk? Please.

Flipit: Babies fed on saline become really smart. And their contacts are always moist.

Schoonie: There are A LOT of fake boobs.

Flipit: On both the men and women

Schoonie: Like, more than normal. Which is saying a lot.

Flipit: And….homeless woman scarf. Glad you dropped the stereotype and went straight for another stereotype.

Schoonie: He definitely yelled “Mazel Tov”. Seriously, be Jew-ier

Flipit: He’s like “Sunrise Sunset!”

Schoonie: Just buy a fiddle, climb up on the roof, and call it a day.

Flipit: If I were a rich man why I’d ladedadeda, mkay? Chen: The two girls who scream like idiots the loudest will be be let in first.

Winners!

Over it.

Flipit: Love the gay girl!!

Schoonie: That’s because she reminds us of Laura. Who was awesome

Flipit: That guy works out and looks great from the neck down. Unfortunately, you can’t work out your face.

Schoonie: Dude, I was about to call him a butterface.

Flipit: WE HAVE THE SAME TASTE

The houseguests sit around the living room and get to know each other.

Flipit: Kristin links all of her words together into one big slightly drunk chain.

Schoonie: Kristen is SUPER HOT, sorry. She is my Jessie.

Flipit: Not as pretty as Jessie, but yes. Pretty. She just needs to, like, pause, between, words. Occasionally.

Schoonie: Rachel has too much makeup.

Flipit: She has too much everything.

Inna da Joisy datsa what we coal Boob City.

Schoonie: We are calling her that.

Flipit: Boob City. Done.

Flipit: Uhoh. Tiny booby Monet hates Boob City! “She has giant boobs, but I have loving cats!!” SHOCKER! Let me guess, you have a season pass to “Army Wives”, too.

Schoonie: That does not bode well for her strategically.

Flipit: For who? Boob City or Tiny Jealous Boob girl?

Ragan talks about forming an alliance with the hot guy.

Schoonie: Okay, Ragan is dead to me

Flipit: Of course you want to form an alliance with the hot one. He’s so getting used.

mytypefursuuuuureehahaomglolhairtwiddleslurrrr

Flipit: What is this girl even saying? She needs to talk…better.

Jewish Guy talks about…being Jewish some more. He’ll cop to that cuz he wants to keep his bald spot hider, but he’ll tell people he’s a shoe salesman instead of a podiatrist. so they don’t resent his money. Brilliant!

Schoonie: “Yom Kippur”. That’s exactly what it’s called. Smart move hiding the doctor thing, though. Until he tells someone next week and it becomes public knowledge.

Flipit: “They’ll feel sorry for me if they think I’m poor.” HAHAH! Pity the poor Jewish guy. Totally worked though. Look at the sheriff’s face!

Poor Jewish guy! How does that even happen?

Schoonie: Britney: also hot.

Flipit: I like when you said “if you mentally picture a girl named Britney that’s exactly what she’d look like.” So true.

That ring totally means she won’t be making out with a half naked guy in the hot tub by week four, right? RIGHT?

Schoonie: They did a good job with the girls this year.

Flipit: Joisy is threatened by the Deputy Sheriff. I’m from New Joisey YOU GUYS! GETDDIT!

Schoonie: I have a theory that states “Never Trust A Dude Wearing A Justin Timberlake Hat”.

Flipit: Totally. Or mandanas. Or jorts. Or fauxhawks.

I don’t care how gay you are. Get a collar.

Flipit: There is no way that Kentucky Fried Gay’s real name is Ragan. He’s just trying to sound less Republican. I wish I could follow him around and whisper “tear down this wall!” in his ear tauntingly.

Whattup wid da Joisy dude tawkin like a goddam dumbass, eha?

Schoonie: Annie? Love her.

Flipit: Me too she’s gonna be fun times. She seems to be the first HG in a long time who truly gets how fucking stupid this all is.

Britney says that she has found her soulmate in Ragan because he’s a raging homo and “those are my people.”



Flipit: A faghag romance!! This is so sweet. And it’s not gonna end well. He’s gonna screw her over for the hot guy. You watch.

Schoonie: Wow…lots of gay stereotyping early, even for this show. Britney LIVES IN CHICAGO! Oh man, freaking call me, girl.

Annie tells us about herself. She has a dog named Cubby Bears.



Flipit: No bisexual names their dog after TWO sports teams. Honey, you’re a lesbian. It’s ok. Baby steps.

Schoonie: Just…name the dog after two things you love. “My dog’s name is Jersey Shore Big Brother.”

Flipit: She says she doesn’t wanna come out of the closet to the hg’s, but she just did with her butch dog name. I know the feeling though. My dog’s name is Xena. That’s pretty gay. I hope no one can tell.

Schoonie: “My dog’s name is Intercourse Fellatio.”

Flipit: Marlboro M&Ms.

Schoonie: Marlboro PRETZEL M&M’s. Seriously, have you had those things? It’s like eating little pieces of an angel.

Flipit: YES! I had one the other day and didn’t know it had a pretzel in it. I got the salt and thought wow a stray salty nut made it in there. But then I crunched it and my tongue took a second. And then I was in love. What were we talking about?

Schoonie: Annie’s definitely an early favorite.

Flipit: Yeah I am on team Annie too. And I like the Deputy Sheriff. Because I respect the pain she inflicts on her eyes just to look crazier.

Commercials

Schoonie: That fat people sitcom looks THE WORST

Flipit: Oh I haven’t seen that. Wait, Huge? About the fat kids?

Schoonie: From the people who brought you Jokes About Dorks, it’s Jokes About Fat People! Mike & Molly

Flipit: Wow. Fat people are on everything these days. Fat people are the new People from Jersey.

I’m fat!





Me too!

Let’s take a nap!

I was hoping you’d say that!

Julie talks about the saboteur list. The hgs are SHOCKED that there is a secret something other.

Schoonie: Like these people know what the word “Saboteur” means.

Flipit: Everyone’s too embarrassed to ask for a definition. They think they get to watch an Abba Tour.

The saboteur can sabotage an individual, a group, or everyone. They just have to get to the halfway point and then they get $50,000.

Flipit: Joisy just found a reason to say the word harangue. Wow. Good for him. I never would have seen that coming.

Schoonie: Damn, 50k to make it five weeks? Pretty good. I’d take that

Flipit: Are they allowed to win the game, too?

Schoonie: I love how cheesy this twist is. Like that thing with the twins switching out a long time ago.

Flipit: There’s never been a twin story in our culture that hasn’t worked. The Parent Trap, the dueling Marlenas on Days of Our Lives, Big Business…

Schoonie: That season with the twins was awesome. How is this twist any different from normal, with the whole house trying to screw you over anyway?

Flipit: Full House…wait. Those were twins playing the same girl. So this is like America’s player? Will this person have duties and stuff?

Schoonie: It’s pretty much America’s Player.

Flipit: America’s Eyebrows Part Two.

Schoonie: Except I’m hoping the stuff they have to do is even more lame.

Flipit: America! It’s time to vote! Do you want the saboteur to a. rub his belly and pat his head at the dinner table? b. twirl his or her hair while whistling Jesus Loves Me or c. wipe a boogar under their bed? Calls are only 9.99!

Flipit: We get to meet the saboteur!

Flipit: Jeeze the sabotuer has demon voice. “I have kidnapped your baby and will feed it to Satan if you don’t give me eight million dollaaaaas RAAAR!”

Schoonie: The saboteur is Kristen…calling it.

Flipit: I think it’s the Italian. That guy’s a cartoon. He has to be acting. They all just keep oohing and aahhing and looking confused.

Schoonie: I love how these people have no real idea how the saboteur thing works or anything.

Flipit: They’re gonna start flipping through the Bible to see if there a definition in there.

Commercials. And we’re back.

Flipit: That sheriff is working really hard to be soft.

I don’t handcuff people and throw them down on the ground! I’m just a girl y’all!

I wonder how my grass is doing.

Flipit; Has that giant guy said anything?

Schoonie: I don’t think so. He doesn’t talk.

Flipit: That’s hot.

The bot asks for someone to volunteer to be a mascot for the HOH comp. And…The Jewish guy volunteers. He gets to dress like a…giant hot dog.

Schoonie: Why did he raise his hand so quickly?

Joisy says the whole thing is fishy.

Flipit: Everything is gonna be fishy to that guy. He just said “Arose” a red flag. He did that on purpose. That guy’s a fake.

Schoonie: Are hot dogs kosher? And…someone made the joke.

Flipit: Tevya is betraying his religion for BB already.

God can’t be happy right now.

Schoonie: I’m not sure it sets the right tone to be in a wiener costume on day 1. Andrew’s safe from the first eviction, which makes me think he might be the saboteur.

Flipit: It makes me think he’s been secretly dreaming of the chance to cover himself in wiener.

Schoonie: However, would they really make the token Jew the saboteur? That’s racist, even for this show.

Flipit: Well, they do own everything. The goal in this HOH comp seems to be to splurt ketchup all over each other in very little clothing. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Schoonie: Ooh, the LAST person to cross gets to be HOH! Interesting.

Flipit: Wouldn’t that be awesome if those coals were lit?

Flipit: Man Julie is taking a long ass time explaining this game. How hard can it be? Look at this cast. I really wish there were a couple of old people here. Renny can you hear me? Probably not, but that’s why I love you. She’s probably watching this at home wearing a turban, martini in hand, muttering about how pictures got small.

Schoonie: Miss her. That season was AWESOME.

Julie explains that they have to ride the wieners across the coals. Or something.

Schoonie: What, no obvious wiener jokes? You’re disappointing me.

Flipit: I zoned out. I hate instructions. I’m sure the game is all very intricate and stuff but Jesus she’s been explaining this shit for five minutes. Who showed their wiener?

Schoonie: Oooh. They have to take a shot to the face. Of catsup.

The winner gets $10,000.

Flipit: Look how the Jewish guy reacted to the words “ten thousand dollars”. This show is so wrong.

That coulda bought me lots of coupon books.

Schoonie: Brittney said “blasted the wieners”

Flipit: What the hell is Kristen trying to say now?

ihadnoideawhatthestradegyisuoranythiiingslurrr

Schoonie: I love that they clearly ordered these people to refer to them as “wieners” and not “hot dogs”

Flipit: Day one: all dignity lost. The sound effects are so gross. Slimy skin slapping up on those things. That girl farted on the giant wiener. Her mom just turned away from the TV, crying really hard.

Flipit: Kentucky Fried Gay flew right over. Well, in all fairness, he’s had lots of practice.

And…bottom. Unmystery solved.

Britney falls.

Schoonie: Man, she took a SPILL

Flipit: Oh no they’ve already paralyzed someone. She was too pretty to live for long. The naturally pretty girls always have trouble with fully attacking wieners.

Schoonie: How do you know?

Flipit: I am friends with them all! Trust me I know more than I want to. Boob City’s shorts were so far up her vagina that they had to fade it out! LOL!

One good tug should do it. Or you could wear underwear.

Schoonie: That’s kind of how this show works

Flipit: Just thought I’d point that out. I think that was the first blurred out vag shot of the season. How big is your flower when it has to be blurred? Do something with that thing. Like…tuck it or something.

Schoonie: Like some type of origami? Not really how it works.

Flipit: Some girls have floppy ones.

Schoonie: If I affirm that, it will be on the internet.

Schoonie: If I deny that, it will be on the internet.

Flipit: It is already affirmed all over the internet! I’ve seen plenty of floppy ones. Yay internet!

Britney falls. AGAIN.

The doctor is frozen and won’t help for fear of giving himself away.

Flipit: I can’t blow my cover by saving her life!! What kind of honorable Jew would I be if I played that Good Samaritan bs? She probably faked it.

Schoonie: “I’ll sabotage this competition by shattering my patella!” I think we can safely rule Britney out as the saboteur.

Flipit: I am googling patella right now. It sounds like a delicious grain.

When we come back from break, Britney is still wahhing about falling. Everyone watches on as a “medic” comes to help.

Flipit: Oh good Lord.

Schoonie: There’s a medic already? This show is not Survivor.

Flipit: How come everyone’s just standing around watching her? The medic looks like a worker in the marijuana industry.

Britney says she’s embarrassed about the whole falling off a wiener thing.

Schoonie: Who hasn’t lost their dignity on a slippery wiener?

Flipit: Cheers to that.

Chen asks Brits if it’s ok that she sits this one out and stays safe.

Schoonie: I think her cheering is evidence that she’s fine with it, Chen. She is clearly happy about not continuing.

Flipit: How can you not wanna give her a free pass? Poor thing. She looks like the girl on the Les Miserables posters right now.

Schoonie: Aaaaand first super gay musical reference of the season.

Flipit: I know I’m a stereotype too ok sorry. But really. She does.

See?

More Itialiano talka talka from Joisey.

Flipit: That guy’s faking it. I’m telling you.

Schoonie: I feel like I’ve been watching this competition for eight hours

Flipit: This is very intense. I have no idea what’s going on.

Sheriff Mascara lands on her face.

Flipit: That girl fell flat on her face! How come she doesn’t get to sit out!

Schoonie: She’s a cop, so she’s probably sturdier.

Flipit: Her face still looks the same as before the fall. That’s…sad.

The buff butterface guy wins!!

Schoonie: So the big dumb guy is the first HOH. That’s NOT AT ALL LIKE LAST YEAR

Flipit: Gee now I wonder if he’ll get all power crazed and arrogant and piss everyone off so they get rid of him before the halfway point?

Schoonie: Julie is rocking that Sarah Palin suit.

Flipit: She’s on the red team! Way to be a neutral host, bot! She’s like thanks for watching I need a couple of minutes to whip my boob out with my specially tailored trap door blouse and recharge the brat. So who’s the saboteur? I’ve said it thirty times and I’ll say it again. The Italian guy. He’s balding. They’ll pin it all on the balding guy.

Schoonie: RACIST.

Flipit: Baldist.

Schoonie: I’m just going to call you a racist this season, no matter what you say. It’s my new thing.

Flipit: The word racist is losing it’s power in our time. That’s a totally common way to end an argument about anything these days.

Schoonie: It’s like calling someone Hitler.

Flipit: How do you even fight that accusation, other than not hunting Jewish people to build up a decent track record?

Schoonie: America, dial in and tell us who you want the saboteur to execute!

The lights go off!

Flipit: Power outage! Let me guess, Joisy thinks this is…

Yo dat’s FISHY.

Flipit: There it is.

Schoonie: Brendon just went to bed. That’s pretty great. “It’s dark, better sleep!” He’s like one of those animals who goes to sleep when you cover the cage with a blanket.

Flipit: Like a little bird.

Schoonie: WHO DID IT? Yawn.

Lights come back on.

Flipit: Brendan: I went to brush my teeth. LOL. What a moron. “The lights went out so I decided it would be the perfect time to do a jigsaw puzzle or read a book.”

Whoever turned out the lights has put a lock on the pantry door.

Flipit: You will starve until you start eating each other. Now that’s a twist.

Schoonie: Britney: “They must have done that when it was dark.” Nice assumption, idiot.

Flipit: Ooooh it’s so scary! That lock is tiny. Just hit it with a heel. I think it’s the gay guy. He looks super guilty.

Wadn’t me.

Schoonie: They can’t make it the gay guy just like they can’t make it the Jewish guy.

Flipit: Nuhuh. You’re still allowed to disparage gay people. Just watch any of RuPaul’s shows.

Schoonie: It’s going to be someone white and plain.

Flipit: That could be any one of these people. Even the black girl is white and plain.

Schoonie: And….done! Dundunduuuuhn!

Flipit: I can’t believe it’s already over. There’s enough bad English and bowl cuts to keep me interested at least half the season. So glad this show is back. Had fun with you Schoon!!

Schoonie: Racist.

Come back Monday for a regular recap from Schoonie, followed by LoLo and Flipit. Thanks for being with us this season! Also, check out Chooch’s live feed coverage in the forums.

MONET STUNSON, 24

Model, Glen Carbon, Ill.

LoLo: Self-described as “the coolest person you will ever meet”, this 1st Runner Up Miss Illinois USA 2008 (losing out to what I’m pretty sure is a transvestite) says that a one-episode walk-on role on the Young and the Restless is the accomplishment of which she is the most proud. If I were her, I’d be most proud of persevering with that awful name her parents burdened her with. Ten bucks she breaks into hives whenever anyone mentions “Clueless.” She hates “ditsy, stupid girls” and “trashy bimbos”, so the Big Brother house clearly is a good place for her to spend her summer. Watch for this one to stir up drama as she angles for a television career now that her ass is getting too old for suburban K-Mart fashion shows.

Schoonie: Monet grew up wealthy and still lives at home with her parents. Her greatest accomplishment is that her driver’s license photo is really good. Reach for the stars, y’all! She also says that “Big Brother has had too many trashy bimbos on the show.” That’s kind of the point of Big Brother, Monet. We’re don’t tune into CBS three times a week to see a wine and cheese tasting.

Flipit: Only black cast member. WTF? She’s gorgeous, she has a nice smile, and her name is Monet which means she has parents that think waaaay too much of themselves. She should be a snotty biatch. Love her already. I hope there’s a Picasso here to give her a run for her money. Or a Warhol. That would be a dirty fight.

BRENDON VILLEGAS, 30

High school swim coach, Riverside, Calif.

Flipit: Um, kinda gorgeous and he swims so I’m all for him. Possibly losing his hair, which makes him insecure. Insecurity=attainability. LOVE. I predict I will love him no matter what cuz he’s a piece of meat and Schoonie will hate him no matter what for the same reasons. LoLo is a tossup, but I’m thinking she will feel the love by episode three.

Schoonie: Brendon looks just like every other person who’s ever been on reality TV. His strategy is to get all the girls to like him and then turn them against each other. That’s worked so well in the past, you know? Great way to get the audience on your side.

LoLo: Brenden considers himself “fun”, “driven”, and “intelligible”, which is awesome because I tend to prefer the HGs to be capable of speaking understandable English. I also tend to prefer them stupid as shit, which means I think I’m going to like Brenden. Thank god he’s not “intelligent.” By the way, I hope the admissions counselor at UCLA who allegedly offered this genius a full ride for his PhD in Biomedical Physics is eating a gun right now.

ENZO PALUMBO, 32

Insurance adjuster, Bayonne, N.J.

LoLo: Ew. Ew. Okay, try to think of something else about this guy… Ew. Nope, can’t do it.

Schoonie: Enzo is what happens to The Situation in twenty years. His bio is highly informative, too. Here is an excerpt:

Strategy for winning Big Brother: Winning

Well, shit. I wish I had thought of that.

Flipit: I really like Columbo, so I hope the two letter difference isn’t a huge departure here. I also love Beyonce, and Enzo is from Bayonne. He’s a couple of letters away from me liking everything about him. Which means I will probably hate him. He looks like an old version of Joey Lawrence. And I like Florence Henderson so I can’t make a prediction on this one.

ANDREW GORDON, 39

Podiatrist, Miami Beach, Fla.

LoLo: This one reminds me of Zach from BB8 — huge dork with a bit of a crazy gleam in his eye that makes you wonder if he’s going to stab you in your sleep. He’ll definitely sit there and stare at you, perhaps while wearing that orange tent to hide his boner. His plan is to combine Kaysar’s stupidity, Will’s manipulativeness, Chicken George’s uselessness and Russell’s (Survivor) misogynistic megalomania — while telling other HGs how much he enjoys going to Toys R Us. Congratulations on planning to be the worst HG ever. He will either make it far by not being worth wasting an eviction on (see Zach), or go out early for creeping all the girls out by repeatedly informing them that he’s a “cute, tall, Jewish, single, doctor, father” and then staring intently at their breasts.

Schoonie: Andrew is a podiatrist, which means that he spends his entire day touching things that gross me out. That’s pretty much all this show is anyway, so I’m sure he’ll do well. When asked what he’ll miss the most about the outside world, Andrew’s answered the following: “Not seeing my daughter is always hard, but the most difficult part of living inside the Big Brother house will be not watching ESPN daily.” Yep, you heard it correctly: ESPN > This Guy’s Daughter. Better save the half mil for therapy, Feet Guy.

Flipit: I was just about to make fun of his hair when I remembered reading somewhere that there is an Orthodox Jew this season. Is that a yummycaca thing? Dunno. But I will take this opportunity to say right up front that I’m totally offended Orthodox Jews get so much time off. Do you know if you’re Orthodox you don’t have to work after sundown or some crap like that? NO FAIR!! It’s like Mexicans and their siestas. I am a jealous person. I want to be an Orthodox Jew Mexican in my next life. Naps and no work after sundown. I predict Andrew will be booted after refusing to perform in a night time challenge.

ANNIE WHITTINGTON, 27

Bartender, Tampa, Fla.

Flipit: Pretty girl, but I’m guessing everyone is pretty this year. How is anyone gonna concentrate? I will tell you one thing, I’ve been in the service industry since I was thirteen, and there’s something sinister and bitter that starts happening to a server/bartender’s brain at around 25. You start losing your hair and having nightmares about your dreams being squashed by children with better skin than yours. Therefore, I predict Annie will be a bitter, defensive, villainous bitch. Love her already.

LoLo: Annie is the disappointment of her family, and she knows it. Her brother’s an attorney, her sister’s a CPA, and she’s a bartender who is admittedly overly dramatic, has a life that is “so weird” with “the worst luck”, and is afraid of “getting older” as her questionable looks fade and the cellulite accumulates. So instead of going out there and getting, I don’t know, a real job, Annie’s decided to make her family proud by going on national television and dressing up like a chicken or whatever ridiculous shit they have to go through this year. Not to mention, banging a lot of dudes to feel better about herself. And I mean, a lot of dudes.

Schoonie: Annie lives in Tampa, Florida, which means that she’s probably a stripper. Seriously, roughly seventy-five percent of Tampa residents are strippers. Look that shit up, it’s in the census or something, not even kidding. She mentions that she’d hate to be trapped in a house with racists, and since Big Brother might as well be renamed The Let’s Yell Racial Slurs Hour with Julie Chen, she’s probably made a poor choice.

BRITNEY HAYNES, 22

Hotel sales manager, Huntington, Ariz.

LoLo: At first I thought Britney — a pretty, young, southern blonde — was cast to be this year’s Jordan, but Britney’s bio is all about being a fake bitch. Now that’s something I can get behind. Her plan is to pretend to be nice and pretend to laugh at people’s jokes, while really resisting her favorite pastime of arguing and hiding how grossed out she is by the “old people.”

Flipit: UGH. Big Brother, Janelle has already been on this show. Stop trying to recreate the magic! This girl is busty, pretty, and a real blondie. On top of all that, her name is BRITNEY. I predict she will marry a loser and then become a fat drug addict and show her cooter to the paparazzi while getting out of cars. Then she will sober up kinda and release more terrible music and people will call it a glorious comeback even if she still can’t sing. And does she sell hotels, or does she sell stuff in a hotel? There’s a big difference. I’m calling it, this girl will cry first.

Schoonie: Britney looks just like you’d imagine. What I mean is that if someone asked you to draw a picture of a person named Britney, you would draw exactly this. Britney says that she would hate to live in a house with old people, so she probably has a pathological fear of jean shorts. Britney’s also afraid of birds, so expect a hilarious montage at some point.

L

KATHY HILLIS, 40

Deputy Sheriff-Sergeant, Texarkana, Ark

LoLo: ACK, Jesus, could we have less of a close-up here? Like, back it on up by a couple yards at least. Sergeant Kathy looks like she’s holding in a shart in this photo, and can someone please arrest her for what appears to be applying mascara under the influence? Haha. Cop jokes. Better buckle up — they’re gonna be lame all season long, folks. And on top of this, Kathy is a cancer survivor and talks about chemo in her bio. What the FUCK am I supposed to do with that? What a selfish bitch. Let us all hope she gets evicted early.

Flipit; The oldest member is 40? Come on!! I was hoping for some angry old man action this year. That said, Kathy is a Deputy Sheriff Sergeant in Arkansas. I’m afraid of her. I hid my weed already. She looks like she’s dressed as Britney for Halloween, so I predict she will be all jealous and evil.

Schoonie: Kathy is the token middle aged woman this season, save for one notable exception: she is a policeman who admits that she likes to street race in her patrol car. Yeah, I wouldn’t count on having a job at the end of the summer. She should probably play it safe and arrest all the other contestants now. Keeps the Oxycontin off of our streets, you know?

RACHEL REILLY, 26

Chemistry graduate student, Las Vegas, Nev.

Flipit: That this girl didn’t have “phone sex operator” under her name floored me. Chemistry grad student? I don’t know what to say about that. She can’t even mix hair coloring properly. I predict she will poison someone in her lifetime or on this season. Possibly accidentally.

LoLo: I’m seriously scared to see what this woman looks like without those 30 pounds of makeup. I’m assuming less like Celebrity Apprentice 3 contestant Maria Kanellis and more like Celebrity Apprentice 3 contestant Goldberg. As for her strategy, she plans to suck a lot of cock. No seriously, how else are we supposed to interpret this: “I would hustle like I do at work when I get men to buy me champagne. ”

Rachel: Rachel has badly dyed hair and is one of those girls who looks 40 but is really only 26. She’s a “Chemistry Grad Student/VIP Cocktail Waitress”, which in Big Brother Speak means she works at Les Deux by night and endures fifteen to twenty minutes of rigorous online course work at the University of Phoenix by day. Her favorite houseguest is Laura from last year, though, so she just might turn out to be awesome.

RAGAN FOX, 34

College professor, West Hollywood, Calif.

Schoonie: Ragan is this year’s Big Brother Homosexual, which means that he has to be cartoonishly gay at all times; this season’s permutation apparently requires the wearing of a bow tie. He lists his favorite castmember as Janelle “because what you saw is what you got”. Yes yes y’all, Janelle keeps it real, from her naturally grown hair right down to her genetically inherited breasts. He also mentions that there’s nothing a good fart joke can’t cure, so I’m sure we’ll be getting a lot of fresh, modern humor out of him this summer.

Flipit: I just moved to West Hollywood! HOLLER! I hope that I run into this guy at Whole Foods so I can make fun of his ties. You know he has like twenty of these in different colors and patterns. Who the hell’s name is Ragan? I’ll bet his name was Reagan and he changed it so the gays in WeHo wouldn’t snicker every time he introduced himself. Wuss!! I predict Ragan will be annoying and take his shirt off too much even though no one wants him to.

LoLo: Wow. I hope this whole black jeans/bowtie/love of performance poetry thing is just a shtick to get him cast on this show. Otherwise, we’re going to have some major hating going on. Ragan seems a LOT like Ronnie, whom I despised. His bio shows he’s a student of the game, with plans to float early while forming a secret alliance, and then glomming on to some big targets that’ll be evicted before he will be when forced to pick a side. He also has the tendency to hold a grudge. Maybe he and Monet can bond on how much their parents must have hated them both from birth.

MATT HOFFMAN, 32

Web designer, Elgin, Ill.

Schoonie: Matt lists “annoying people for my own amusement” as one of his hobbies, which means that I like him immediately. However, he also has a bunch of tattoos and tries way too hard to seem like a badass, so he’s back to even.

LoLo: I officially declare Matt my HG crush. Cute and capable of filling out a CBS bio without coming off like a total idiot, creep or loser. Standards, they be low, but they be there! (See also — all my ex-boyfriends.) His favorite players are Will and Dan, both of whom were awesome. If Matt plays the game slightly like either one of them, I’m definitely going to be rooting for him.

Flipit: This guy looks like a gallon of vanilla frozen yogurt. I predict we will be seeing lots of gums. Oh and he will totally get played by a hot girl and kicked out by week 6.

KRISTEN BITTING, 24

Boutique manager, Philadelphia, Pa

LoLo: Here’s this season’s wackjob. Kristen is into meditating and says that she’s very misunderstood” which is always code for “batshit crazy chick who weirds out everyone else.” She doesn’t like “cookie cutters” and “average joes” (read: sane people), and describes herself as a “quiet storm” (read: passive aggressive psychopath). I don’t see her sticking around too long.

Schoonie: Kristen is extremely hot and describes her occupation as “boutique manager”, which means that she works in the undergarments section at Target. Her shirt is definitely from the Mossimo collection, anyway.

Flipit: This girl is trying so hard to push her boobs out that she’s given herself armpit vagina. I predict that she will be an insecure mess and guys will keep hitting on her armpit.

LANE ELENBURG, 24

Oil rig salesman, Decatur, Tex.

Schoonie: Lane looks like every other Texan who’s been showing up on reality TV lately. I’m willing to bet that he’s going to say a bunch of redneck-y stuff and generally bore me. Also, where’d that shirt come from?

LoLo: Lane seems like a sweet southern boy who may be a bit on the slow side. He refuses to reveal his strategy (which you know is GTL with a little whoring mixed in), and says that his biggest fear is “electric fences.” How the hell often in your life do you come across electric fences? That’s like me saying I’m afraid of a wildebeest stampede like in The Lion King, while I live in downtown Chicago. Then again, he may surprise me and become a significant physical threat… maybe. Is that fat or muscle? Never a question you want someone to have to ask. At least it’s never one I have to be worried about getting asked. This, my friends, is clearly fat.

Flipit: Big Boy Alert!! Mister Dangerous, our lovely commenter, has already fallen in love. Works out too much, has George Clooney hair. All I see here is a teeny tiny penis. I’ll bet he drives a giant ass truck.

HAYDEN MOSS, 24

College student, Tempe, Ariz.

Flipit: This guy takes his photo opportunity to show off his biceps. I think that says enough. CoughJessiecough. The hair is way too much and he’s been in college for six years. He’s either brilliant and going for a major degree or he’s a dumbshit who keeps making his parents pay tens of thousands of dollars a year for school just so he can get a free gym membership. I’ll go with B.

LoLo: YUM. Hayden’s a 24 year old college student (…?) at Arizona State, and is into baseball, boozing and looking hot. He describes himself as “charming” and “not afraid of conflict.” This kid looks like a physical competition dominator, so we should probably enjoy the eye candy while we can before he gets evicted for being too big of a threat.

Schoonie: Hayden is going to buy you some Mike’s Hard Lemonade and take you to hang out with his bros. Hayden will play bags with you on your front lawn. Hayden will sign up for intermural sports. Hayden will major in business but minor in theatre. Hayden will pull out his acoustic guitar in order to woo you. Hayden will play one of the three songs he knows, all of which are by Jack Johnson. Hayden will bore you by the second week.

Big Brother starts Thursday, July 8 on CBS. Come to the gasm for next day recaps!

We open with a picture show of all the millions of people who have auditioned for Idol over the years. I hope there are no people with epilepsy watching, cuz the flashes will kill them on the spot. It’s like a super fast picture show of broken dreams and busted ass faces.

Missing Since 2003

Not that it’s a huge surprise, but still!

Very important epic music plays while the camera zooms around the contestants. Lots of Vaseline on the lens. Ellen looks ten years old.

Crystal Hobosox (Thanks itch!) says that she doesn’t care what happens cuz she’s comfortable in her own skin. Your skin will be more comfortable in a nice hot shower. Casey Prettiness says that he’s just here to make his fans happy. Then shut up and take something off. Lee just says “awesome!” and he does it without stuttering. Well done!

Then we are shown a pic of why Hobosox should have her baby taken away by child services.

Stop shaking that baby! He’s not a tin can!

There are lots of movie titles and sounds of swords crossing, so I’m assuming this will be a Robin Hood commercial. I hope Russell Crowe will come out and start yelling at people for no reason. Lee says he wants to do this for the rest of his life. Really? So this is better than MIXING PAINT? Noooooo.

If I worked with Cecile, I would call her Cooties Coutaz. Cuz I’m mature like that.

All the kicked off kids are here! Hi Sio!! Scream something! Also that blonde girl who looks like Brooke White is here. She looks like a melted candle.

MexiGokey is in the dark. Which works for him.

Over forty seven million votes came in! If there were that many viewers you guys wouldn’t be on death watch! Let’s say hi to the judges! Randy ditched the Mister Rogers look for a plain white t-shirt. He is very wordy tonight though. I think he’s speaking Shakespeare.

Woo has to be Latin for something. Otherwise he’s just a moron.

Ellen looks like an off duty private dick at Easter time.

Fans finally got pissed off enough to tp Skara.

Simon looks like one of the pig’s ears I give my dog. Man, she loves those things.

Tink says they’re all gonna be on The Simpsons this week. Wow. This cast will be on an entertaining show. Alert the news! Simon is shocked that Tink says hi to him. He doesn’t make a gay joke. Well what the hell good are you?

The final 3 are brought out. Tink wants to get inside their heads. This is gonna be deep. Prettiness says that it’s surreal and then he starts working his shirt like he’s trying to cover his love handles. I love when pretty guys are insecure. It kinda balances things out.

Yes. You do look fat in that shirt. HUGE. Let’s hug.



Hobosox stutters about nothing. What is going on with all the stuttering? I blame Obama. People stutter to sound Presidential. Lee stutters about how he’s become a better person because of American Idol. LOL. Fame does that. It turns people into saints.

Have you guys ever pictured yourself winning? Casey says no. Uh oh. You didn’t do the secret! You’re out! He reasons that winning ten million in the lotto may not be as great as winning a hundred mill, but it’s still ten million. He’s got an inflated sense of the prize. Dude. You win a Ford. If you lose you don’t even get a bus ticket.

Hobosox and Lee stutter positivity. Tink just keeps asking them questions. I didn’t come here to see people talk off key for chrissakes. Get to the shitty singing! Casey talks about how he can’t return a hundred texts a day, and then Hobo says that she’s a diabetic mom and that stresses her out but she’s totally got AI healthcare now so she’s all good. Ellen looks like she’s falling asleep.

Have I mentioned that I know Melissa Etheridge yet? Can’t forgeeet to teeell theeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Randy blathers on about how much confidence Lee has gained. Especially in the meemaw hair department. He says Hobo was too indie for this show but has sold out nicely, and Pretty is pretty. Then the contestants talk more about nothing. This needs to stop. Hobo kisses ass and says all the judges’ comments were great, and Pretty laughs and says no they weren’t. LOL. Well they were for her, cuz she had judge head up her ass the whole season.

Man, I wish there was a car that looked like a super ugly Prius with enough room for one of my legs and maybe a bag of ice and everywhere I went people would point and laugh at me. And now, if I could get that car in avocado green. The kind of green that appliances came in in the 70′s. Or that babies poop out when they don’t feel good. Holy mother! That car has been invented! And it’s about to run over Tinkercrest! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Oh no Mr. Bill!

Today’s Ford story is about what the cast did to a poster of Sio that used to hang in the crew’s greenroom.

Stop grinding your vag on it so we can spray paint it proper like, Hobo!

You think you’re so great with your screech yell and your bong making and your janky teeth and your old friends! I’ll show you sucka!

Once they’re done drawing donkey dicks all over Sio, they spray paint images of themselves! They’re projecting a bit though. Prettiness is butch and Lee doesn’t have love handles. Hobosox has given herself even bigger hips though, so she can keep it real and no one back home calls her a sell out. It’s also why she will never wash her hair properly or get caps on her teeth.

The fake versions of the contestants all sing on pitch, have charisma and apparently taste, too.

There’s no way we’re getting in that fugnacious death trap.

Let’s just draw our own and deface the shit out of it.

And now back to the burning question of the evening: Why does Prettiness have so much makeup on? He’s starting to look like a Cabbage Patch Kid.

Willa Ronda Brenda

So down to Earth I didn’t even notice that camera in my face!

That there camera’s on little ole me? But I’m just a paint salesman! Derdeedlederdeedledeeer!

If that guy isn’t a spokesperson for Cracker Barrel by the end of the year, their entire advertising department needs to get fired.

Now for more home footage. I’m glad they broke this up and spread it over a couple nights. It keeps us on the edge of our seats. I haven’t been this intrigued since I picked a boogar outta my nose in the shape of the Virgin Mary. Spoiler alert: it was just a boogar. Let’s join Prettiness on his visit to Texas!

The wing’s on fire! The wing’s on fire!

Look! Concrete!

His fans have no problem getting totally honest about why they like him.

Pretty is totally impressed that all those cops are following him like he’s the President. What he doesn’t know yet is that Hobosox has put a bomb in his backpack and tipped off the pigs.

Seriously. PULL OVER.

So, what do you think about the oil spillage? Can it be stopped? And how?

Oil is very important. For hair. And lubing yourself up before you bang a cougar and ride her labia all the way to the finals. GO OIL!

You totally have a chance. Yes, scared guy in the back. I’m talking to you.

Carrie Underwood with too much lactose. And a foot instead of a hand.

Keep it in your pants, skank!

OMG PLEASE tell me that he’s not seriously from a town called Cool. LOLOLOLOLLL. Town of gorgeous hair and boar faced children.

Ow! She bit me!

Heck yeah I’ll sign your collar bone! Then I’ll do a line of coke off your knee. CUZ I’M A STAH!

Poor dog. It later died of Sharpie poisoning.

And…glue.

The giant bunny helps a little girl who’s family just crashed into a tree.

I am a card carrying mo, as you know by now. Boobs are kinda wondrous to me. I don’t get them, but I appreciate them. Well, I used to. Now, they plain horrify me. Sorry, boobs, but this bitch ruined you for me.

Pretty was in an accident a few years ago. Aw! He’s going to the hospital now to thank the people who saved him. Then he’s gonna go thank the people who helped him when he locked himself out of the house a few years ago.

Don’t tell me. This is where you guys have all your weddings.

We don’t find out what the accident was, which means it was probably kinky.

Unfortunately, the gerbil didn’t survive.

Reba McEntire! Stop stalking and get back to brilliant sitcom acting!

Please say you’re here to pay your bill.

You busy later?

Pretty goes to sing a couple a ditties at the town fair, and his old girlfriend shows up.

Back to the show. Tink, prob about the drag queen, shakes his head and asks “What were you thinking?!?” Pretty just shrugs and says that girlguy could swallow a garden hose and still pull it together to pour a bowl of Fruity Pebbles into a bowl the next morning. Tink nods knowingly.

Prettiness can’t describe the home visit experience. Partly cuz he’s trying to cry, and partly cuz he doesn’t know English too good. I hope he doesn’t become too famous, cuz Kathy Bates will lock him up in a cabin and start chopping off body parts.

I’m watchin you boy!

Has this show lost credibility for you guys this season? If not, then please consider that PEREZ HILTON IS HERE.

Cancelled.

Tink gives Perez cred for discovering Lady Gaga. Having a dick drawn on your face on the internet is the new discovered at Schwab’s lunch counter.

Chucky smiles.

Perez discovered Travis Garland online. Most likely jerking off. He claims Travis is better than Justin Timberlake. Well, he’s certainly better at sounding like one of the girl chipmunks from Squeakuel. There’s a Brady Bunch editing thing going on, to show us that at every angle this kid looks kinda like Perez. Yikes.

I love the beat to this song, and I’m super glad that another young castrato has found an in in the lip sync business. The beat is coming from the old tired cast of Stomp.

Wake up or retire, fool! You’re on TV!

Finally. Leg warmers are back. For dudes.

The kid runs up the stairs and pretends to sing high notes. That was good. But he’s no JT. I appreciate the leg warmers though. Keep syncing, kid!

And now let’s visit Hobo’s town! She rolls in in an empty cargo car with her belongings tied to the end of a stick while playing the harmonica. Her welcoming is….quainter than Pretty’s.

This town may be a lot of things, but it’s certainly not hungry. Or bathed.

Jeeze. There are like ten mics in this shot. Even her vag has one! It’s gonna sing “Wash That Man Outta My Hair Not”.

She makes her way to the AT&T store, but she still owes them money for an old bill she skipped so they don’t let her in.

The guy who played the fiddler in Deliverance is even there. Star studded event.

Why do dentists have such an aversion to this town?

Hobo gets to sign a pair of tits after all! She tells the guy “you better bathe though.”

How bout you ALL bathe?

It’s crazy Claire from Lost! Where’s my bebeh?!?!

She plays peekaboo in the limo and passes out flowers she stole from the library. Then Samuel L Jackson gives her the keys to the city!

Now you can stop breaking all the windows.

She goes home to see her family and her kid. I thought the kid was with her the whole time. LIES! I can’t tell her and her dad apart.

Twins!

Bowerstock: Equally offensive to Woodstock and crucifixes. It’s like Woodstock! And people getting nailed to crosses! Sounds about right.

Random question, but how come no one’s crying during their home visit? That’s an AI first, and it’s happened twice in a row. She tries, but no salties come out. Oh wait. She’s crying now.

That song we just heard is called “Holy Toledo” and she wrote it! It’s on the album “Jumpin’ Jehosaphat”. Now for Lee’s home visit!

Quien es??

Lee is gonna win because he is legitimately crying before he even gets out of the car. Also, he really knows how to bring out the pretty in people.

I’m no math wizard, but I think that adds up to Leel.

Lee gets to throw out the first pitch at the Cubs game! Damn, he just smoked the other home visits. Pretty visited a fucking key store for crying out loud. And he’s not the only one that can get fetuses in a tizzy.

Until he starts singing.

Simon’s replacement.

Public education = wasted tax dollars

Awww! OK YOU WIN!!

Lee’s a fucking mess. He cries. And then cries. And cries more. And then he cries. Poor guy. I wish I was there to hug him. And then slap him. And then kiss him. And then slap him again. And then take money out of his wallet.

Lee’s dad says he’s so proud of Lee that he doesn’t have words. Like father like son. Then Lee gets a parade. And he cries. Then he has a concert. And he cries. And sings off key. And cries more. He’s so sweet.

Aw Lee. Just looking at him reminds me of the first time we waxed Susan Boyle. Tears.

Before

After

What does it feel like to make your dad proud? WAAAAHHH stutter stutter nothing blahness WAAAAH!

Justin Bieber is here!! Jesus you guys he’s like three. And he can sing his ass off. Bowl hair aside, what a talent. I don’t need to ever hear this song ever again as long as I live, but how cute! He’s like a tiny white Michael Jackson. When he’s older he’ll be a regular Michael Jackson. But alive. And with working nostrils, knock on wood. The best singing of the season came out of a three year old. When his balls drop he’s gonna be screwed.

My friend Tricia told me that her little nephew said he likes Justin Bieber but he’s a little repetitive. “All he says is baybeh over and over.” LOL. Kids say the darndest things. Justin drops the mic and starts playing the drums. Well. WTF? Then he stands on his head, speaks Chinese, comes up with a solution to world hunger and spits out equations. Who gave birth to this thing? Get it off my TV.

Robot baby.

You know Perez is cutting himself in the girls’ room right now. Bieber will have a dick drawn on his face by morning and then Perez will claim to have discovered him. Now for some results. Perez, you lose! Hobo looks terrified. Lee’s in! Hobo’s in! Pretty’s out! He’s totally thankful and asks if he can keep the makeup he was given. Then he sings. His mic is off for awhile. This poor guy gets no respect. But he gets plenty of ass so screw him. He sings the “heart in my hands” lyric directly to Skara, which is nasty. He picks up a cute little girl, walks around with her, and then steals the bow off her head. Man that guy is a hair accessories slut.

That was…uplifting? Inspirational? Horrifying? Bland? I honestly can’t tell any more. See you next week for the eight hour finale!

Unfortunately, he eventually has to make it down the stairs and boom. Short again.

Short people got no body.

This is the fight over who gets to sing Skara’s super shitty finale song of the year! And THIS. IS AMERICAN IDOL!

I can’t decide whether I’m more excited for this finale or Lost’s. I want to find out WTF has been happening on Lost, and I just want this bitch to die. The excitement is probably equal for both. I think Crystal has been the smoke monster this whole time. It’s hard not to feel sorry for Tom Hanks’ kid right now.

HEY! My dad won two Oscars! Why do I have to come here?



Tink asks the audience who their fave is, and it’s an overwhelming “Leeeeee!!!” I was looking at the Idol Facebook page. Each of the finalists put little messages, but Lee’s comments outnumbered the others by at least two to one. Never underestimate the power of Facebook. Just ask Betty White. Or Sarah Palin.

Let’s say hi to the Judges! Randy looks at his cue card right in time to read “raise finger to air, show off diamonds.”

Ellen’s wearing horizontal stripes. They don’t make her look fat, but it’s the first time I’ve ever noticed that she has actual boobs. I predict after seeing this she will never wear horizontal stripes ever again.

Skara waves her entire arm at the pit to try and avoid jiggling, but it doesn’t work. She should just put her arm down. Her eyes are completely black again today, which means Satan has decided the Final Three ep is worthy of his presence.

Simon looks like he always looks. Red/brown, chewy, and bored.

Tonight, each of the finalists will sing two songs. One they choose, and one the judges choose. Man I wish Paula was here. Her suggestions were always the most torturous. I don’t plan on any of these snore judges to choose YMCA for Lee, and you know with Paula there would at least be a chance.

Casey Prettiness is singing “Ok Is Alright with Me”, and says that he feels like he wrote this song. I can see that. It’s simple, repetitive, and has really good hair. He smiles tensely throughout, and he’s got his bff guitar with him. Pitchwise, he’s a bit all over the place and this isn’t really a vocal showcase, but with Pretty you just have throw your hands up in the air and touch your nipples. I can’t believe he’s singing “OK is alright with me.” Like go fuck yourself, I’m fine being mediocre. That should be the theme song for the season. Overall, he scores a WTF. At least Raggedy Anne liked it.

Randy laughs evilly and says that the lyrics fit the performance because it was ok at best. Pretty seems totally clueless at this point, but that quality’s gotten him this far, so who knows? Ellen agrees that this is the live or die or sink or swim or rightie tightie leftie loosie moment and he needed to do more. Skara says that she doesn’t even have an erect labia after that performance. Simon says that it’s the most important night of his life and that was a shitty salad course. Ouch. He called you SALAD!! He may as well have used the c word. Poor Tink. even Pretty’s mic stand is taller than he is.

Crystal Organic Joplin is next. You know what? I HATE the nickname OrganicJoplin. I gave her that lame moniker when I thought she wouldn’t make it to the top 12. I think we should start calling her Hobo Harriet. And…done.

Hobo is bringing out the big guns tonight. A guitar, a harmonica, and really ratty hair. I feel sorry for that poor harmonica, cuz rotting teeth breath is not pleasant for anyone. Human or harmonica.

She’s singing “Come to My Window”, because she’s always dreamt of having one. When she gets one, she’ll sing “Somewhere Out There.” She says the song is about passion, love, and screaming. Lots and lots of screaming.

She starts with the harmonica, but it sounds weird. I think the harmonica is holding it’s breath. How is Hobo thin as a stick one week and a little hippy the next? I change weight really fast too, but it’s always up and up. I am jealous of a hobo. That’s what this show has done to me. She’s singing into her mic lamp thing, and I wonder if the family she stole that off of has noticed it yet watching this at home.

She’s a little off today, and her big scream note is garbled and crackly. Ouch. It doesn’t get better as the song goes on. Her voice is trashed. At least her boyfriend is dressed for success.

No one in the welfare line is gonna look cuter.







Randy blames the arrangement, but when he gets booed he changes his tune and says he liked that Hobo sounded great. WHAT?!?!? COME ON!! That was hideous! Ellen tries to be serious and it’s lame. She says Melissa would be proud. Of course she would say that. Gay mafia alert! Skara sounds disappointed and says Hobo needs a “moment” but gives her credit for a good vocal. This is bullshit. Simon says it was not stunning but he likes that she hasn’t compromised herself. Yes she has! She’s letting her hair grow out and she’s wearing makeup and ball gowns and shit. WHAT. EVER.

Hobo says that she’s just grateful for her son and her mic stand. No one applauds, and she looks like she’s gonna sob. Please do. It will probably sound better than the throat fart you just laid on us. Lee has figured out my trick for getting a thinner face in pictures.

Arial shots.

The kids got to go home this week, and Tink says that Lee came back a different person. Has he finally morphed into a total douche? That’s the best part of watching this show progress. Time will tell. For now, he stutters and mutters blandly about how awesome the AT&T store was. He’s singing “Simple Man” cuz “when yer, when yer, when you understand something you can sing it better.” Umkay, simple man.

He’s in full on nasal growl off key mode tonight. He does seem different. More comfortable. He even walks around! WOWEE! He has more than a few stinkers, but he isn’t consistently off key til he’s wailing towards the end. His last note isn’t even close, and he cuts off the band like three seconds after they’ve stopped playing. LOL. This is possibly the worst final three in history.

Randy loved it! Ellen looks like she’s seasick.

Ellen says he went from tiny lamb to scary leopard or something. Skara says everyone needs to be as good as him.

Let me guess. Home schooled?



Lee tells Simon he chose the song cuz mutter stutter duh der huh what I dunno fuuun. Simon thinks it was on the money and calls the perf brilliant. I have never seen Lee smile this much. It makes me uncomfortable. On our way to break, we see Pretty with Skara. Subtle, you two.

Home visits! Pretty goes to Texas!

Sorry, lady, you’re a little young for me.

The only people in Pretty’s crowd are little girls. And maybe a couple of super creepy guys.

Yikes. This is how I felt when I saw Sex and the City in the theater.

Even dead teens love him!







Randy and Skara have chosen “Daughters” by John Mayer. They seem to be the only people voting this season, so it good choice. Randy says that John Mayer is a good goal for Pretty, and Skara says that to stay in the competition, Pretty has to be vulnerable and naked. He needs to know his audience, which are prepube girls. Skara’s annoying, but she’s not stupid.

Pretty doesn’t seem to know what to do with this song at first. I mean with the notes. As in…how to hit them. As he warms up to it, he sounds pretty good and Skara’s right that this is the type of song he should be singing. It’s only a matter of time before he’s dumping Jennifer Aniston.

It’s easy, one note, and only has a couple of reach moments. Both of which he misses. I think he fucks up his guitar playing too. I’m surprised that Pretty did’t get better and better. He seems to have slid backwards. His last note is wack. Lame. If you get thirty seconds to sing and ten of that is playing guitar, you’ve done something wrong. Why? WHY?

Randy says that he hated the first song but loved this one. Ellen thinks he will have lots of mothers and daughters and sons voting for him. Ellen is one big gay joke. Skara credits herself for making the right choice while Simon openly laughs at her. LOL. Simon says the arrangement is lazy and the ending guitar solo was limp. Skara argues that it was all about emotion and if he’s limp it’s cuz he didn’t take his vitamins. Simon says that she should have rewritten a climax for him. HAHAH I LOVE SIMON.

Ellen chose Hobo’s song, but Melissa Ethridge was already chosen so I’m guessing KD Lang or Clay Aiken. During break, the news tells us about a school that teaches autistic kids to be rock stars. It’s heart warming. And ear shattering.

In good old fashioned SILENCE.







Hobo Harriet went back to Ohio to check out her crowd. They are way scragglier than Pretty’s.

Finally, dirty hair has found something to cheer for.



Hobo is handed a cell phone to read her text and she tries to run off with it. Security takes her into custody and announces that Ellen has chosen “Maybe I’m Amazed” by Paul McCartney. So not a lesbian. I’m disappointed. Dude. Hobo’s crowd is scaring me. This lady is screaming like a trailer on fire.

Skara’s fakeness just kills me. Before she sees the cam:

Why is she still sitting next to me?

After she sees the cam:

Yay Price is Right!

Ellen wants to show that Hobo has range. Hobo has some issues at first. She’s tapping her foot way faster than the song and she’s not happy just singing the soft parts. She has to yell, and it kills the notes. The song pumps up and she gets some of the yells right and then moves into soft high notes with ease. And then more yelling. She doesn’t change the lyrics and keeps it “I’m a man and you’re a woman.” LOL. Her yelling is more tired than ever by the end. Damn girl. She doesn’t look like that was easy.

I need a cigarette.



Randy shouts that it was a great song and great vocals. I can’t get behind it cuz it’s another song my dad sang in the car trying to calm down after my mom chased him through the house with a wooden spoon. And yes they’re still married. Heaven for all of us.

Ellen loved it, and Skara says that that was a totally different side of Hobo’s voice. How? It was yell and then more yell. “You really pushed.” Exactly. She’s gonna need adrenaline shots on her vocal chords by the time you torturers are done with her. Simon is sure she will be in the finals.

Not gonna lie. I’m a little worried.



Lee goes home too, and you can tell he’s the fave cuz Simon chose his song and he doesn’t have to go to the AT&T store.

Simon chose “Hallelujah”. Ugh. Cuz we haven’t heard that song eight million times on this show. Way to force him to be original, Si! Well, at least it will mean less growl shouting (in theory) and it’s a gorge song. Simon says he chose it cuz he likes Lee as a person and he needs a moment. Cuz NO ONE has had one yet.

Simon was right about this being a good one for Lee. He sounds great at first, and even throws in some high notes. Sure, they’re off key by the end of the run but still. I’ve never heard this song shouted before. But at least it’s different. Lee may not be capable of a moment on his own, so Simon has sent him out with a black army.

He has shouted so much that at the end, he just sighs into the mic. That has to be the biggest, most masturbatory version of that song I have ever heard. It’s also the first time I have heard it that I felt nothing. Meet your new American Idol! Blame the economy. We blame it for everything else.

Simon gives an “I told you so” look to the other judges, and Ellen smiles politely. Randy says that he has been waiting all season for someone to make an attempt to win and that was it! That’s sad. Lee thanks Simon and then stutters and mutters. Ellen calls the performance stunning, and Skara says that Lee is what the show is all about. He was poor and now he gels his hair. It was epic! Simon is proud of him and Lee cries. Oh wah. Shave. It’s more productive. I have no hate for Lee, just shrugs.

Pretty is the obvious pic to go tomorrow, but I have a feeling it might be Hobo Harriet! Now let’s listen to Lee stutter and mutter about absolutely fucking nothing for awhile. Or not. FF.

Me and my sister in a few decades. I’m the blonde.

Golden Girl and drag heel bathtub!

Jesus. Could you be a little more specific?







I would show you pics of drunks peeing in the streets and the old black lady beating a horse buggy driver with her cane, but we’re not here for my trip pics. This is my New York office (Starbuccios). And THIS! IS AMERICAN IDOL RESULTS!







We open with soft tinkly music.

The Titanic 2: We shouldn’t have thrown Paula overboard.

The story of a girl who can wash half of her hair.

A paint mixer with the personality of plain frozen yogurt.

A pretty guy with an addiction to conditioner.

And a giant trying to make a comeback after Green Mile.

Crystal OrganiJ’s voiceover says “This is what I was born to do! Panhandling was just a hobby. I plan on keeping that up to stay humble.” Lee says “I dream about this every night. And a chunky Mexican with Ugly Betty glasses.” Casey Prettiness says “This is the biggest thing that’s happened to me in my whole life!” Really, Pretty? Bigger than the time you installed that new toilet in your DIY house in the middle of nowhere? WOWEE! Green Mile says “This is a one shot deal for me.” Actually, it’s your second. Shut up and wear a tiny hat I can mock.

I made some t-shirts. One says “I am going to give you advice that will lead to a horrid performance” and the other says “My advice will lead to a mediocre coma inducing performance”.







Again, the rock music and inspirational edits make the performance show look awesome. “Brilliant!” “You’re fighting!” “Best moment of the season!” I wish that they could cut in the comments me and my friend A made during the show. “YOU SUCK!” “That sounded like a baby moose getting kicked in the womb!” “How can you charge people to work them out when you have to buy three plane seats?!?”











This lady looks totally pissed that her gay husband dragged her here.

Tinkercrest comes out and tells us that there were thirty seven million votes last night, which is the highest tally of the season. Seeing as how that’s like fifty million less than any other year, it’s pretty sad. Bon Jovi’s here! He’s still alive? Fantasia’s here! I hope they pass around a collection plate so she can pay the mortgage. Daughtry’s here! I like him, so I will leave him alone. I hope he’s wearing a lot of eyeliner and five inch pumps. Poor guy has Burt Reynolds syndrome. They should really lower the height requirement at Disneyland so the guy can get some confidence. Could you imagine going your whole life without riding Space Mountain at least once?

Let’s say hi to the judges! Randy’s in his Mister Rogers sweater. As if knowing that we will be making fun of that, he gives us a giant “FUCK YOU”.

Ellen’s starting to look like her stand in. Skara shows off her creepy arms.

Simon won’t stop shaking her arm, and she gets pissed. I don’t blame her. She could die of Shaken Cougar Syndrom. It’s a huge problem. Look it up.

Tink tells us that Fantasia has had a hit career, which is hilarious. Don’t get me wrong, I bought her albums (well I downloaded them off a torrent site. But I bought the computer that downloaded them. On a credit card that got cancelled cuz I never paid the bill. I forgot my point), but I wouldn’t call her career successful. Hilarious? Yes. Heartbreaking? Yes. Unintelligible? Yes. In other words, YAAAAY FANTASIA!!!

She comes out with a bowl haircut and breathes heavily into the mic. Say what you want about my Tasia. Bitch can SANG. Even if they’re songs that don’t rhyme or make any kind of sense.

A nice satisfying bowl of Fruit Loops.

She’s in some tight ass leather pants. That girl’s been on the stairmaster! Last time she was here she looked like she ate Ronald McDonald. She’s so talented that JHud is willing to do backup for her.

Simon talks through her performance like he’s in a club. Respect the Tasia Simon! In his defense, he might be asking Skara wtf Tasia’s saying. Something about not being over me. Fitting that she’s on this week cuz she really won this thing when she sang Summertime during movie week. She also sang some nasty ass improvised song to Jamie Foxx at Clive Davis’ party. Those two have something sweaty going on. It’s about 5:40 in this video, right after Jamie screams “Don’t be afraid if you chocolate!”

This is why I love Fantasia.







That song is totally about molesting an underage girl, and they totally commit to it. Back to the show. Fantastia is talking about how someone’s gonna get hurt. Jamie, probably. She’ll crush him with those tight leather thighs. She riffs all over the place and doesn’t stop. It’s like another language. I would put it into Google translate if I didn’t think its head might explode. Tink makes fun of her for not putting enough heart into it. LOL. She says that she hasn’t had an album for three years and she wrote a bunch on this one. That explains a lot. Her daughter is nine now and taller than Simon. BWAHAHAHAH. I wish she could compete every season. It would be fun for me, and she does best when she’s struggling. It’s hard to defend my love for Tasia when she sings dumb ass songs like that, so here’s her at the Tony Awards.

And…..sob.







How come Lee looks so angrily confused every time the camera is on him? And why is OrganiJoplin wearing a t-shirt with boob cancer on it?

You should get that checked out.



And now for the Ford ad! Hey! This is the same set as last week, but with Spanish written all over the signs.

Now let’s wait for five minutes while Green Mile tries to shut the door. Poor guy. They should just tow him.

I shaved! This show is changing my life!

The kids travel all over the world in their crappy car and are mocked by all races and creeds. And no matter where they go, Green Mile still can’t fit into that little death box.

Everyone gets to dress up in different country’s wares, but poor Green Mile just gets to stay black and proud. How come he never gets to have any fun? He didn’t get to be a vampire either.

They’re just jealous of your giant tits.



I think that the moral is no matter the country, Fords are busted.

Tink tells us the perks of making it to the final three. You get to make an appearance at an AT&T store! LOL. That’s really high class shit right there. I wonder if halfway through the appearance the call is dropped.

Video of past home visits are as yawny as they were the first time around. I didn’t remember Taylor Hicks getting booed on his home visit. I think someone just threw a Diet Coke can at his head. Wait. That was me! I remember that like it was yesterday.

Green Mile says he wants to get to the final three cuz he wants to go home and see his puppy. His over emotional wife and his whiny brat are making him insane cuz Idol will only pay for one hotel room. Cheap bastards! OrganiJ says that she misses the corner of Hope and Less the most in her town, and she can’t wait to go back there and make her tin can jingle again. Lee says he wants to just sit in his parents’ house without any cameras there. HA. That will never happen again. At least this year. I’m sure by 2012 you will be back there permanently without cameras. Of course I said that about Mandisa too and she’s still a huge star. I haven’t seen her on TV or anything, but you know she’s still huge.

Prettiness says he wants to hear people say “y’all” again. He’s growing a toupee on his lip.

I think that caterpillar took fertility drugs, cuz the cocoon is full of octuplets.



The families of the Top 4 are on stage. Good. I hope we can kick them off one by one. Green Mile’s wife grates on my damn nerves and the dude next to her is wearing a penis shirt. Classy.

Bill Clinton is still here supporting Prettiness, probably cuz he can get Bill the most pussy.

Lee’s mom has that same slanty smile as Lee. Dishrag personalities run in the family.

OrganiJop’s boyfriend grosses me out. He looks like a demon. And he’s not even wearing jogging pants today so I am mad. At least be entertaining, ya hick! I wonder if tonight’s the night he proposes to her onstage. You know it’s coming.

Time for results! Tink reminds us that Ellen’s lesbionic. Green Mile says his duet “spoke to who we are as men.” What did they sing again? Brick House? Fat Health Professionals? I forgot already, so it must have been awesome. A pigeon just pooped on my mousepad. WTF? This city is so gross.

Prettiness is safe!! Sweet! I don’t need to hear him sing more, but you can never have too much good hair on TV. How is he safe? He sucked the most right? Well, Lee did, but you know he’s not going anywhere cuz he’s adorable and chunky at the same time, and that’s like the American dream.

Now, let’s watch Chris Daughtry!

No, this isn’t him, but you had to see this lame mustache or I wouldn’t be doing my job.







Chris looks as tiny and cute as ever. He should really make that mic stand lower to heighten him a bit. He’s really mastered his eyeshadow, mascara and eyebrow penciling over the years.

There have been lots of fauxrocks over the seasons, but this one can sing his ass off. Putting him on the same ep as Prettiness and Lee is just a joke. They don’t hold a candle to him. He will be screaming within one minute. On pitch, natch. Chris has always annoyed me, cuz other than too much makeup and general lack of height, there’s not much to make fun of. Well, except his yell faces. Those never get old.

Hey! That’s my purse! Police!

Hey! I’m poopin glass shards over here!

Hey! He’s inside the house!

He’s like the Incredible Shrinking Mary Kay Lady.

Hey! You kicked my wiener!



How he hasn’t lost his voice yet is beyond me. Nice work! You win! There are a couple children not clapping like seals right now. They’re so getting kicked out of the pit!

Tink asks him what it’s like to play arenas, and Chris says that it’s great. Duh. Hey judges, putting humdrum personality aside, what do you think of Daughtry! Ellen says that she’s super proud of Daughtry. LOL acting like you didn’t just get this job. Randy babbles about nothing, and Chris suggests that the Top 3 stay hungry. Tink makes a Green Mile joke. I’m always hungry and I’m poor as fuck. That advice sucks.

More results! But first, let’s look at this old man outside Starbucks with giant balls that have formed male camel toe! I can’t stop staring.

Skara has Farrah hair today, and she looks really pretty. I want to know what she does to keep so gorgeous. I think it has something to do with underage sperm.

That 70′s Ho

She chides Green Mile again for sucking last night. GM says MJ was effortless, but he’s not. Way to stand up for yourself. Lee has some Aunt Bee hair.

Lee, do you think you were too karaoke last night? No, but yes, but I coulda done more but, I guess but no but yeah I don’t but. Debate team alert! Lee is safe! He’s so excited that he tries to lick himself.

Maybe try yoga or something.



He cries a little. AW!! Either Green Mile or OrganiJ is out! GM knows he’s not beating her, and he doesn’t look happy.

Now I have to potty train that fucking dog.



Oh, Crystal’s shirt is penguins. Cuz female penguins fall in love, get knocked up, panhandle to buy diapers, then finally get a proposal when they’re rich and famous and can buy unlimited tacky pajama pants with American flags on them for their mates. Sweet!

Now let’s welcome an example of what too many drugs and Aqua Net can do to a woman.

And Bon Jovi, too!

You should borrow some Aqua Net from that old lady in your band.



I forget, did Bon Jovi used to be a good singer? Cuz he’s kinda busted now. “Lookin for a hero, but it’s just my old tattoo.” Huh? Who’s gonna save you when stars fall from your sky? Not you, you can’t even comb your damn hair. I wanna be your superman tonight. LOL. I can just imagine him running around in underoos. He seems very nice, but he and that old lady are making me kinda nuts. We have enough shitty modern bands, k? I know he still gets some of you all giggly and stuff, so go for it. I’ll wait for you to calm down. Still waiting. Time to turn off the personal appliance and come back to the recap. You done? Ok. Wash your hands.

Back to the show! That’s one shitty wig.

At least steam that thing when you whip it out of the suitcase.

Wow, they’re the number one touring band in the world! I think that says a lot for our taste level. JonBon is a sweet guy and talks about getting his big break when he played at Wilma Flinstone’s bday party all those years ago. He’s a good guy. I just hope I don’t ever have to listen to him again. Lee stutters and mutters about being happy to make it through. He tells Green Mile and OrganiJ how good it feels. LOL. And…..Green Mile’s out! His wife looks really happy for Crystal.

Cover that mole, skank.

Call me! Mean it! If I don’t answer text me! If I don’t reply get some smoke signals in the air! If i don’t smoke back, send a card! With some nickels in it! xomeanitkthnxbye

Uhoh. There she goes.

OH GOD. Now he’ll be home every night. On top of me.

I’m gonna suffocate before I’m thirty.

How do you feel, GM? Like total shit, thanks for askin! We get to remember his journey! His absence for the birth of his child. “Ah well, God has a plan!” Yeah, to get you right close to your top 3 dream and crushing it. LOL, God! You’re one sneaky biatch!

I think this was pretty fair, even though Lee stunk it up more than the rest. Hey, where was Jamie? DAMMIT! I feel robbed! Skara tells GM to record great songs. He should give her the same advice.

Your dad just totally dicked us over.

Please don’t eat me.

We all get that reality isn’t really real on TV. So when Rocky music plays and the audience screams and the judge’s comments are edited down to “in it to win it!” “brilliant vocals!” and “you look thin with the snake hair!” we know it’s an illusion. Sometimes, though, you have to put your foot down and just call bullshit.

Why stop at enlarging the hat? Why not just take away his eight chins and his manboobs too? LIARS!

Last night’s episode was the lowest rated ep since 2002! Isn’t that so sad? We’re lying big tonight though, so Tink tells us that last night there were over thirty zillion votes. There are a lot of deaf people in the world obsessed with voting for things. I blame the hormones in milk. Let’s say hi to the judges! Randy is wearing Michael Kors.

Literally.

Ellen tries to do a Randy impersonation, but she is way too white. And literate. Skara looks beautiful. What has she done? Not that she was ugly before, but the woman is glowing. I think it’s probably some kind of deal with Satan. It would explain the black eyes.

Simon’s changing it up tonight by wearing not only one crappy top, but two! Thankfully, his butt cutt is consistent. I could stare at that thing for hours. I thought it would catch on and become men’s The Rachel, but it didn’t happen. He looks a little scared tonight. And extremely red.

Tink plugs the snot out of the summer Idol tour, and it’s gonna need it. They used to play stadiums, but I’d imagine they’re about ready to move into midsize dinner theaters.

Frank Sinatra Medley time! YAY! The guys start off singing “The Lady is a Tramp”, which of course means Crystal OrganiJoplin is going to be the tramp. LOL yesterday’s recap title. I think it’s kinda rude to call her a tramp on the show seeing as how she was literally a homeless little panhandler and all. If they had a song called “Fat Personal Trainer”, would they sing it to Green Mile? No. No they wouldn’t.

Speaking of GM, he got a hat that fits! I don’t know where they found that, but I suspect this poor guy was recently robbed.

Little Chicken starts off “Very Good Year” and sounds the best that he ever has. Oh yeah. Cuz it’s prerecorded and protoolsed and stuff. But still. I’m in Juddfan’s AI office pool, and almost every single person chose Casey Prettiness to go home tonight. As if sensing it, he does his best to give a little extra movement. It’s hilarious. Poor awkward pretty thing. Not even spirit fingers can make us forget last night.

Guys. Prettiness’ got the world on a string, sittin on a rainbow, got the string around his…..

Pretty, I know they don’t have many TVs round your parts, but the people who need it have closed captioning. Thanks.

“Night and Day” sounds gorge across the board til it gets to Pretty. He sounds like Frank Sinatra, alright. Like, a day before he kicked it. He’s all off key and tired sounding. Man, Prettiness does NOT take criticism well. It’s breaking him. Did you ever think you’d see the day he’d whip out spirit fingers? I rest my case.

When we come back from break, Lee is working on his smiley stage presence.

This week’s Ford music video:

I had change on my nightstand and it’s gone, dammit. Who would have the nerve to steal my CHANGE?

Oh sure, blame the black guy. No way. That’s really racist, and besides, he’s giant.

If you stole my change I’m gonna flatten your face. More.

Hey gay dude, did you steal my change? And when you might wanna change your scarf before you get bashed. This is a shady town!

That guy was hot. But damn he was boring.

Ma’am, did you steal my change?!?

Ummmmm…..stealing’s a very strong word. Could you give me dollars for all these nickels? The waitress is gonna be pissed when I try to pay. Hey, you’re cute!

Did you take a shower? You look lovely! Fine. Keep the nickels. You should be commended for bathing.

Oh god I have to hide the label so the fancy homeless woman doesn’t judge me.

Poor guy! That’s his car?!? I wish I could give him his change back, he needs it more than me. I think I’ll just bang the waiter. He’ll probably have super jingly pockets.

In the end, there’s a super happy ending for Prettiness, who gets his old job back.

Frank Sinatra can kiss my cracker.







Let’s have a look at how Tuesdays have changed for the contestants! Prettiness used to sleep all day, OrganiJop would set her baby down on a corner with an upside down baseball cap in front of it, Green Mile would yell at people in the gym while eating three bags of Wendy’s, Little Chicken would practice getting his fist in his mouth, and Lee would stare at the mirror trying to get his face to look as much like Garfield the Cat’s as possible. Now, THEY’RE FAMOUS!!

We get two full minutes on how they wake up and go eat breakfast. Fascinating. Then, they go to hair and makeup and rehearse. That’s when it gets interesting, cuz we get to see the stand in judges. LOL! They look like the judges would look like without plastic surgery, botox, starvation, cocaine, and Mister Rogers sweaters. FauxRandy is hilarious. He just woos and strings words together that don’t quite match.

Finally, a part for a bull dyke stand in. They don’t come around often.

Tink asks Green Mile if he sleeps ok before the big elimination show, and Green Mile’s all “uhhhh, meh, I don’t know.” Sorry, why don’t you write down a question you like and hand it to Tink, ass. Don’t they rehearse these first? Tink asks Prettiness how he feels going into eliminations after the night without a guitar, and he answers “yeah we all saw how well that worked out.” Aw. But true. It wasn’t just the missing guitar, though. It was also the missing pitch, notes, emotion, and shirtlessness.

Dim the lights! The Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? music plays, and Lee is called up to the stage. Simon says he didn’t watch the show back last night cuz he doesn’t like to see himself on TV. Skara says “I wonder why!” about ten times. No one laughs or listens to her. Simon compliments Lee, and he sounds stuttery and super bored. He’s doing his best to kill this show before he goes. Lee’s safe, duh. He looks totally excited.

Now let’s see what it’s like in a training session for the audience members of American Idol.

And now! Lady Gaga! She got rich and famous and her first purchase was exactly what mine would be. A bendy muscular dude that doesn’t talk.

She’s in a veil and on top of her piano is one of Hambert’s costumes from last year.

If you think about it, Gaga made Hambert’s success possible. How many drag queens got a chance before her? Ru, but that was ages ago and she only had one hit. Thanks, Gaga! The song is about being caught in a bad romance. It’s hard to find winners when you go out looking like this.

Why can’t I just find a nice normal guy with a job?







This number is a representation of gay hell.

Have you ever tried to hide your love handles by wearing bike shorts and pulling them up to your rib cage? This guy has.

Um, isn’t the average audience member age for this season like five? Cuz this is a little disturbing.

When you come across a gay guy, kids, just nail him to a tree.

Take notes, Little Chicken. You’ll be jizzed quizzed later.

Gaga has a big blonde wig just kinda placed on top of her dark hair. She looks like a Rock of Love girl. I miss that skunk hair! Get better Bret Michaels!

The song is called Alejandro, and it’s an homage to Fernando, I think. The guys start marching in a gay military protest dance while Gaga writhes all over the floor. She’s got all this crap obscuring her face, which sounds like a wise business decision.

What you can’t see can’t hurt you.

You know these guys have their families sitting around the TVs watching this with horrified looks on their faces.

Hey! Who lit a match while that angel farted?

The only thing I can think when I look at her is “That bitch stole Linda Granger’s act!”

Tell me I’m wrong.

Now a montage of Harry Connick Jr being a wacky mentor. He’s funny and charming and I love him. He makes fun of OrganiJ’s dead bird earrings and calls Prettiness’ mom to tell her her kid is ugly. LOL. He also tells us that pitchy’s not a word and tells Green Mile to stop whining about having a baby. He makes a crack about Organi’s insulin pump and deadpans to the cameras about what a bore Lee is.

Check, please!

That guy should stick around for the rest of the show’s run. It’s only like a yearlong commitment, you can do it! He comes out to sing, and his vocal style makes much more sense to me now that I know he’s always kidding. I think he might be joking and people who are attracted to his music are so glad to hear these songs again that they take him seriously. I have all his albums, which means I am one of those old fuckers. It’s kind of a character voice, but he’s so commited that I buy it hook line and sinker. I feel like I’m at a retirement party. But there’s no cake. This is the worst retirement party EVAR.

The contestants come out to sing AGAIN. JESUS how long does this need to be? They’re boring and Organi’s mic is turned up louder than everyone else’s. Shocker. FF.

When I press play, Lee and Chicken are harmonizing really well, and Lee looks like he just won a million dollars.

As cheesy as montages are in general, I have to say these are the best they’ve been with Harry at the helm. Ricky Minor’s outside right now keying his car. Harry tells a story about how he played for Frankie’s 75th bday and he was so nervous that he forgot the words and embarrassed himself. Frankie walked out to go up to his room, and Harry followed him into the elevator and introduced himself. He waited for words of wisdom. Instead, Frank just told Harry’s wife she was hot, kissed her all wet on the lips, and left. LOL. And that’s how Harry got herpes. Thanks for sharing!

Organi J is sent to the stage to start a group. Green Mile is sent to a different group. Chicken is sent to Green Mile’s side and Prettiness to Organi’s. Lee has to choose the safe group, but he opts not to. I think Organi and Pretty are. No one’s voting out the only girl and the dude with great hair. YAY! Green Mile and Chicken are in the bottom. Could I actually guess one right? I say Chicken’s out. And…..he is! Aw. Green Mile hugs him too hard and talks in Chicken’s ear. Take your time, dude! This show hasn’t wasted enough time.

Chicken’s end song is as snorey as last night, but more off key. Unfortunately, he doesn’t sob. BOOOOO! He did well this season and really grew a lot. Well, his eyebrows did. Remember when they were shaped like tiny feet?

Those brows have had quite a journey.

See you next time, and thanks for being here!