Uh oh. His feathers are raised. Get a net before he shits all over us.

There’s a knock at the door and Reco gets up from his salt soaked pillow to answer. It’s a guy with a hairline that starts in the middle of his head who won’t look him in the eye. The average extra was afraid of Reco, and the show hadn’t even aired yet. What? You’ve never seen a guy with a t-shirt cut to below the nipples before?

I loved you on In Living Color, sir. Have you done anything since?

No I’m Not Going Bald I Just Have a Big Forehead gives Reco some shopping bags from Eyesack Mizrahi himself!! I predict those bags will be full of grey clothes. Or apology letters for ruining the budding designers’ reputation in the industry with this show. Or lube. Who knows? Open them! Reco announces “special delivvy!” and everyone gathers around Merlin’s bed. Reco, having been humbled and shamed last week, makes a turn on his personal path to kindness and self awareness and tells Merlin he has morning breath. That didn’t last long. Merl doesn’t care. His first instinct upon waking up is to raise the roof.

Can I gate a que que?

There are boxes with womens bed robes and a typed note from Eyesack. I’m sorry, but you know he doesn’t know how to type. I don’t even think he signed it.

One of you is gonna get fucked so hard by the end of this episode that you’re gonna need extra extra KY.

Mexican Jay is all excited cuz the good Lord made it rain frogs last week and handed him a win so a loose, formless, unsewn piece of clothing that requires very little talent as the weekly surprise object tells him it’s another good sign. The remaining designers take the robes to the workroom, where Eyesack’s waiting for them wearing WHITE and leather!! WOWEE!! It’s a new dawn! Lined up like that, the contestants look like they’re auditioning for the role of Linus in “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown!”

“I love mankind, it’s people I can’t stand.” - Linus Van Pelt

Reco looks like a Superhero.

Green Ho net

Eyesack makes a big face and exclaims “There are sixxss of you!” in a tone that says “Time goes by so fast!” Nice try, sack. This show feels like it’s been on five years too long and needs to be put to sleep. Merlin tells us the bayst dreem of hees life eezs to ween! His original bayst dream was to kill a gremlin and make a cap, but he accomplished that and had to find something else.

Somewhere in Tegucigalpa, the capital of Honduras, Merlin is probably wearing that same hat and his catsuit while rioting in the streets with the rest of the city. Think about that for a second. And….we’re back. Speaking of Merlin, I wanted to let you know that his signature dodo hawk is catching on. At least at the San Diego Zoo, which I visited this week. I saw this bird and it brought a tear to my eye.

Merleen mide gayte heezs bayst dreeeeem!

Not that this has anything to do with anything, but I also saw this at the zoo.

You’re welcome.

Laura Brown, in a belted pair of PJ’s to celebrate the theme, introduces the Director of Fashion Accessories from Sax Fifth Ave.

Get yourself to the Director of Women’s Not Flattering Leather Pants and Pregnancy Blouses and get yourself together, woman! You’re on TV.

All Reco hears is “buyer”, even though that word hasn’t been said.

You got any take home samples?

Kenley, in her Boy George Detective Agency getup, isn’t impressed.

That poor cow.

Beth, the guest, intros the robes. They aren’t just any normal fancy Meemaw robes. These are designed by Fernando Sanchez, k? Fernando looks like Tony Bennett.

After being starved in a dark room for a month and then forced to work as a Country Club bus boy.

Fernando came up with loungewear, with the mantra that people should look just as good chillin’ at home as they do going out. I know that’s how I live.

How I look at bedtime, and sometimes going out. Thanks Fernando Sachez!

The Bazaaa Challenge is to make pj’s to match the robe. The winner will be sold with the original Fernando Sanchez robe at SAX!! Holy crap. That’s quite a prize. Sax is smart, and you know this is only a sleepwear challenge cuz they insisted on being able to cover up the fug winning outfit on the mannequins, if need be. Images of his name in lights swim in Reco’s head, and he says Sax over and over again in his special way. I had to rewind, cuz I thought he was saying “thack thack thack”. I even looked it up on urbandictionary.

Thack:
Where a girl has a horrbile thick knotted pubes..
“I woke up feeling a clear case of thack attack as I rub my tongue along my teeth” - Urbandictionary.com

Reco doesn’t want to go to crazy on this challenge and end up on the bottom, so he goes with a simple onesie and tells the camera man “y’all had me cryin’ like a bee-ee-atch” last week. Ana the Yarn lady is making shorts and a baby doll dress, which might not be a bad idea considering the guest judge has hinted that she’s into unflattering bottoms and bloating tops.
MexiJay tells us he doesn’t have much experience with lingere, “but how hard can it be to make a…thong. A panty. Whatever.” Then he giggles. I’ll excuse his ignorance here, cuz he doesn’t seem the pajama type. MexiJay goes to bed in a marinade of his own nasty juices after he finally passes out from his pork rine and Dreyer’s binge. Who dresses for that? The nervous, idiotic giggling continues in the workroom, where he snips his fingers and the front of his baby doll dress. He laughs and laughs about it, but really in the end it’s not like there’s elimination for this challenge, so who cares? Not him. He laughs and talks openly about not caring and leaving his work in it’s current suck form.
Kenley has taken off her jacket and wow. She’s going for layering, but has inadvertently created giant horizontal stripes. She’s gonna be so mortified when she sees this that she’s gonna swallow five bags of Chex Mix whole and throw a pet at someone.

What do they feed these people? Kenley gains five pounds a week.

Meanwhile, Merlin makes pants for Wynonna Judd if she ever lands in the hospital.

Yarn says she’s making short shorts in honor of Haven. You know, the girl who just GOT KICKED OFF. Smooth move, ExLax. I don’t think I’ve used that one since fifth grade. It felt good, I’m not gonna lie. Anyway, MexiJay giggles, rolls his eyes, and asks if that’s her ho-mage. LOL. You know he thinks that’s how it’s really pronounced.

Yo. Stop peeking up the dress form’s top. It’s not really Haven, you perv.

Is James Pole wearing a wig?

Time is called, and the designers line up their work. So sad. They look like they’re rolling around oxygen tanks. Oxygen tanks dressed like headless old ladies residing in the terminal wing of the hospital complaining about their kids being to come visit and pooping on themselves.

Which Golden Girl are you?

Kenley goes first. She made a daywear outfit with string waist. She explains that she thought of a man’s shirt kinda spiced up and tells Laura Brown that she always wears a jumpsuit to bed, which says quite a lot, really. Only one trying to get in em is Yarn, and she’s confined to a different bunk. Laura sweetly smiles and asks “really?” Then she turns ice cold and says, deadpan, “we have nothing in common.” SNAPPLE.

Is it the stripes?

Yarn’s baby doll dress with short shorts doesn’t get any comments from the judges, but it should win. At least it’s brighter than the other work. There are already a million pj’s like that, but nothing else is even close to presentable, even with all the bedside lamps turned off.

Merlin says he leeve by da school and he see da lady wearing baggy pants and sweat shirts. What every woman wants to look like at night, a stressed out mom. Great pitch! The judges say it’s way too much and he should have tried tailoring and not making the dress form look like a quarterback. He doesn’t seem to understand what they’re saying. He just stands there with a dumbfounded look on his face, his little brain computing as fast as it can. When he finally gets through the translation in his head, he’s gonna be horrified.

So…jew like jess o no? Ees dees da bayst life I dreeam abow?

MexiJay giggles at the stone faced judges about how he’s embarrassed to even show them his mess. He keeps a smile on his face. They never break.

Props on the bun, though.

MexiJay, still smiling big, tells us that he knows he sucked on this one and a child could have done better than him. Yes, but could they possibly have smelled as bad? No. That kind of funk takes years to settle in. Reco made high waisted, long shorts and scrubs with uneven trim. James Pole makes even MexiJay look talented. His version of “Vietnamese Trousers” are really poorly made hammer pants. Fug. I hadn’t seen hammer pants since the eighties til this show, and now I’ve seen them like ten times. Guest says that they look kinda unfinished and the crotch is “a little low”. LOL. She might have added that the waist is unsewn and badly folded and the legs are uneven, but there’s only an hour.

Those pants look like the carcass of a pink person who lost 500 pounds and didn’t get their skin tightened.

Yarn wins!! Called it! Score one for pregnant women who still want to look sexy before bed. Eyesack points out that she’s the first of the designers to get into Sax, and Merlin looks really happy for her.

I don dreem dees.

Eyesack excuses Guest and Laura Brown and tells the designers that winning this show will be the most important thing to happen to them in their entire lives. That’s sad, and most likely true. Then he mentions that Not B isn’t there. Hadn’t noticed. They all go to meet her on West 29th St, which James Pole describes as a super shady area where no one is dressed well. HAHAHAH. Unlike the cast, who looks straight out of an LL Queen catalogue. Pole is afraid he’s gonna get shot. If only.

Scary. How come deez people got no faces?

They see this sign:

In case we can’t read, Merlin tells us what it says. “A physic!” Bwahahahah. Reco says that black people don’t do psychics. “We go to da preacher man!” I would love to be a fly on the wall in that confessional.

Y’all need to put waist high holes in these partitions. This heah’s buuuuulsheeeat. How I suppose to fit my wang through a metal grate?

Not B and Eyesack are waiting for them inside the Physic’s Studio. Eyes says that they probably want to know how they’re going to do in the competition. I want to know why Not B’s skirt looks like it’s melting.

The old lady with them is Nancy Stark, “one of the great psychics of our day!” Nancy doesn’t believe in hair product or teeth whitener, which makes me wonder if we are going to learn one day that these household items will give us cancer or something. MexiJay gets the first reading and is told that he’s going to be traveling very soon. All the other designers are shocked that she could tell he was going home today. HAHA. She assures him that this isn’t a done deal and he just needs to be more playful. I don’t think lack of playfulness is his problem. It’s more a lack of grooming and talent. But thanks. Money back?
MexiJay says that he just needs to tell himself that he’s a good designer and he’s still a contenda. Never does he stop to think to tell himself to stop sucking so hard. Reco’s next. We know cuz he asks “What on erf ih gettin’ red tuh happen?” He’s scared cuz he watched horror movies as a kid “wif little white girls playin’ wif tarot cards and day get all possessed.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. The physic tells him that he has great possibilities as he rolls his eyes at her openly.

Y’all lucky I didn’t eat no pea soup.

Kenley is told to believe in herself. How much does this old bitch cost? That’s it? Kenley tells us everyone knew at a very young age how talented she was cuz she would sit all by herself and draw instead of building blocks with the other kids. If her personality then was anything like it is now, this makes a lot of sense. It’s not called talent, it’s called being unbearable to be around.
James Pole is told to listen to his inner voice and be more practical. If this woman really wanted to help him, she would have told him to start drinking eight glasses of water a day and washing his face once in awhile. Rip off! Yarn is told that her card symbolizes love. The physic tries to relate this to fashion, but can’t get Haven’t vagina out of her head.

I see a blonde flower waiting to be plucked.

One talent this physic does have is the ability to not mock people when that’s the most obvious choice.

I see…pink. And a very warm, oily scalp.

Merlin picked the same card as MexiJay, but he tries not to take it as a sign that he’s getting the boot. He rationalizes it to mean that “dees da tyme to moof up een my a careear. Ees locky card!” If you do get put on a bus back to Honduras, you might wanna change your hat. People on busses can be cruel.
The challenge is to create a design based on the card they chose. Oh for crying out loud. This show is really scraping the bottom of the barrel. What the hell kind of challenge is that? Just rip off the PR challenges. It’s not like you’ve had any shame thus far.

My prediction: Everyone will make Dionne Warwick outfits.

And they will be a massive improvement over previous weeks.

At the fabric store, Yarn finds a print with giant flowers all over it and feels it’s very her. Hm. I would think more acid washed denim and cat pee stained t-shirts with horses on them, but I’ll go with flowers. James Pole insists that he’s gonna “keep it simple”. LOL. Cuz he’s usually just so damn intricate. He should have been kicked off for those pajama pants. Just sayin’. Merlin says since his card was travel related, he’s going to make sweat pants. For a runway show. That idea’s gonna make the physic look, well, psychic.
At the end of the day, Reco shows his new positive attitude by letting Kenley go out the door first. She thanks him as he glares daggers at her. LOL. It’s so fun watching him try to be nice.

The next day, everyone has decided to up their games. Reco is making pants to prove he can do them better dan anyone in da comptishun, and Yarn has made a wearable umbrella rack.

Merlin walks around the workroom confused, saying “somebody took my beans again.” Oh wait. Subtitles. He says pins, not beans. Beans were way more interesting. Jack and the Beancock. Kenley is sure that the physic is psychic, which means either MexiJay or Merlin is going home. She doesn’t care, because she’s still in! Woah, horsie. There’s still half an episode to go, and you’re making the same see through jacket you made week one or two.

Shirley Temple didn’t even look this drab when she thought her dad died in Little Princess.

Merlin is positive that he’ll be safe. He says he’s from a very poor farming family. He came here to build a fashion empire, and he’s gonna get it dammit! He’s like a Jackie Collins heroine. But not sexy. Or smart. Or talented. Or readable. Love the feather though!

Sucky from Hollywood Honduran Midgets

MexiJay sits around gossiping with Kenley and Yarn, who are thankfully sitting on different couches. He says that he doesn’t want to even make it to the end if it’s with Reco or Merlin, cuz he thinks they’re talentless. Or, as he says “I don’t take them serious.” Nice English, PigPen. This coming from the guy who can’t even make fucking pajamas. Guys? You might wanna start…working?

That wall looks totally fat.

The models come in for their fittings, and Kenley goes on and on about how she was told to be more internal and her name means “bird” in Hebrew. Who else feels like hunting right now? Reco calls it, pointing out that she’s making the exact same outfit she’s made before. James Pole is having trouble with his outfit fitting his model. It can’t be because he has no idea what he’s doing. It’s because “she has a hump.” LOL NO HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.

On top of calling her a hunchback, you’ve made her fat to boot. I see you going places. Like Hell.

For some reason that I don’t think was shown, Merlin has had to borrow a pair of Reco’s pants. He looks like a guy again, and it’s disconcerting.

Kenley takes time out of her busy schedule to tell us how sucky Merlin’s work is. She’s right though, which makes Merlin’s sin unforgivable.

Not B and Eyesack come in to not give any opinions. Eyesack starts with a scrunchy face at MexiJay’s work and then moves on. Thanks for coming! MexiJay tells us that he finally wants this as much as everyone else. This doesn’t make his design better, but it’s good to see him with a positive outlook. Maybe he’ll take a shower now.
After saying nothing to Yarn about her umbrella rack, they move on to give shocked looks to James Pole as he describes wanting “shapes that are projecting outside the body.” You know, like skin tags.

This is more shocking than the day I found out I have mange.

Pole tells us that sob story about being a kid no one understood and says this is his chance to “show the world that there are another way of doing clothes.” Yeah…still don’t understand. But thanks for taking the time to shit on English. Eyesack actually gives some advice to Reco, saying he wants to see his personality in his work. Reco says that he’s “holded back” and will do his best to push through. Is it only this show that no one knows how to talk, or do people in the fashion world just not have the language part of the brain working? When the cameras are off they probably just grunt and click at each other.
Not B and Eyesack say nothing to Merlin, and he tells us that he wants some recognition cuz he’s been stuck his whole life in one position.

Not B and Eyesack go into the hallway and say nothing. The next morning, Merlin decides to wear a kilt while telling us that MexiJay’s card (the same one he picked) means he’s going home. HAHAHAH. All that “da card mean I travel to da nexx layvel” bs is out the window. Time for the show! The A List starts wandering in, and the producers have really outdone themselves this week.

Did you know that outside of work, Ronald McDonald is a giant queen?


It’s one of the evil mushrooms from that Mario Brothers game!

Merlin’s Six of Swords outfit is the first to walk, and it’s not as bad as it looked in the workroom. It’s actually kinda cute, for sweat pants. He might not be traveling back to the farm today, after all. If he does, he will have a cute pair of sweat pants to wear to the Honduras Wal Mart.

Might wanna add some kind of push up bra.

I don’t know what Reco’s work has to do with the card he chose, but it looks great. His best yet. It’s the first thing he’s made that looks as good as his sketch.

We get a good shot of Guest Judge. She looks like James Pole in a Michael Jackson wig.

Yarn’s giant umbrella rack is next. The red on top isn’t too flattering, but at least this dress is interesting and doesn’t suck….for a lint trap.

Kenley’s work is a sloppy mess. Her model looks like she’s going to a dinner party in Little Armenia.

I have a feeling there’s gonna be some ground lamb and old fat guys with hair coming out of their ears at this party.

James Pole has made a simple grey dress and then added fabric saddlebags and foofy shoulders. Fug.

This woman looks like a ball sac.

The back is even worse.

Eyesack’s face says it all.

MexiJay made a cute silk t-shirt and one of the most hideous puke green skirts I’ve ever seen. He added a “basket” to the skirt made out of chichi flowered material and the whole thing is just wrong.

CUTE! Maybe he’s finally on to something!

Never mind. She looks like she has a donkey penis.

Judging time. Merlin and Yarn should switch skirts.

Fern is dressed for a fourth of July potato sack race. Que glamour!

Eyesack intros Vivienne Tam, James Pole’s mom. Rigged! Not B only really has to say one line every week, and she still sounds like a four year old learning how to read. The two highest vote getters are Reco and Yarn! Reco’s got this one in the bag. Nope! Yarn wins!! Ah well, at least people always getting stuck in the rain have something to look forward to on the Bravo site.
The worst looks are Merlin and James Pole. How in the world did MexiJay escape? HOW? 92% of the audience said they wouldn’t buy Pole’s work. The only one who liked it was the gay Ronald McDonald. Pole claims he followed his intuition. That’s kinda the problem, buddy. Your intuition blows. Fern thinks the fat skirt is unflattering, and Eyesack says that his karmic challenge is to learn how to design for actual people. Fern likes that he has a point of view even though he mostly sucks week after week. Point of view? And what is his point of view, exactly? Anyone? His mom babbles on in some other language and the judges move on to Merl.
His work is too junior and no one would buy the pants. Merlin says their criticism makes him feel good. ?? He says if he do wrong he has head. Huh? The material isn’t talking to him. I don’t know what he is saying and the poor subtitle guys are on a much needed break. Fern thinks that no young woman would look good in it and there’s too much going on. Eyesack loves the color but that’s it. He calls him on loading up the details and Fern says it doesn’t look it was made by a designer. Ouch. Wow. He’s going home, isn’t he? NOOOOO!!!!! Down with Pole!!
In private time, Fern thinks that Merl’s work looks like it belongs in a bargain bin. Not B hates James Pole’s work, and Eyes agrees. Pole will be safe cuz he has “fabulous vision”. And yet he SUCKS EVERY TIME. Back at the stage, Merl is losing his shit, spewing bile all over the place. He says loudly that MexiJay’s work was hideous and Kenley just makes the same shit over and over and there are no subtitles here so that’s pretty much all I get. He goes on and on, and it’s uglier than his feather hat. And he’s out!!

That means a lot coming from Pole.

Merlin says that he has lots of poseabeeleetees and he’s excited to stard hees empyr. Everyone has a place, Merlin. Yours is milking the family goat. But dammit, you’ll do it in style, kid!

So last night I was wanting to EAT because I am on a mother f ing diet, so I watched Iron Chef. Guess who was the guest judge? Eyesack! We often complain here that he doesn’t have any useful critiques to share, and this is fashion so he should have something. Well you should see his ass with food. “Um…I liked it ok, but maybe you could have been more creative or something?” LOL. He looked lost, and even made a Brokeback Mountain joke. Did you know he has like ten jobs or some shit? Take a nap, Eyesack! You’re mumbling is doing no one any good. He was wearing a weird grey jacket thing, which I guess means that his fashion statement for the year is GREY. GREY! I SEE THE WORLD IN GREEEEEYYYY!!!
Ok that had nothing to do with anything, but it’s good to know he’s phoning it on other shows too and not just this one. It feels less offensive that way. And now let’s work out together.

Silly Skanks Workout Videos

We open with Merlin asking Mexican Jay “How do you sleep?” I would take this to mean “How do you sleep at night, you stank ass homeless hack?” if I were him, but MexiJay says he slept just fine, thank you very much. He is so refreshed that he doesn’t need to shower today. Or ever.

Merlin is wearing red tights, a sweater dress, his belt/turban unit, and a pancho while he talks on a purple cell phone. The thing is, there is so much wrong happening within the first ten seconds that it’s pointless to write it down. I will just show you.

I read crossword pozzle.

I want to make vote for Lamberrrt.


Tax Haven has become a politician’s wife. In 1983.

Why is Not Beyonce wearing a takeout container as a skirt? Is she competing now?

Flashbacks to the stupid fight last week. Reco didn’t stab Kenley, so to me the whole thing was meaningless. Not B calls Merlin on his special purple fairy phone and tells him where to take the designers for the Haaaarper’s Bazzazaaa mini-challenge. I wish she would force them into a Harper’s Island mini-challenge. This show would be way better with some amputations and axes to chests.

No Gilteee!

The designers go to meet Not B and Laura Brown in a big loft/office space and find out that today’s challenge will be done in pairs! YAAAYYY!!! They pick thread colors to pair up. Wednesday Addams and James Pole are together, MexiJay and Merlin pick each other, and Merlin is worried. He at least acts happy about it. MexiJay? Not so much. He whines “greeeat!” Uh, you’re paired with the guy who won last week when you were almost sent back to Bedrcock, PigPen. Be nice.
Haven and Ana the Yarn Lady are paired, which is good cuz maybe Yarn can move her lesbian crush off of Kenley and onto Haven, which would be way more entertaining to watch. That leaves Reco with Kenley! LOL. So. Rigged. I tried to find the little midget under the table putting thread in the magic bag, but I couldn’t see anything. Still, that’s too good to not be forced. They give each other dirty looks and then Reco hugs her. Way too hard. She starts “ow”ing. Break her! Break her! This could get ugly.

Wow. That was fast.

Laura introduces the Haaarpaas Bazaaaa interns, who partied hard last night and didn’t have a chance to go home and change before work. EW. They must have been at a 24 hour diner between the hours of 4 and 7 AM, cuz you know these homely skanks didn’t get laid. There’s a guest judge for this challenge, and it’s the girl from Ugly Betty. Not America, the little skinny mean one. She comes out wearing a black dress with junk all up on the hips. Why do skinny people insist on purposely looking fat? Are they jealous of the rest of us, or are they just too depleted minerally to know what they’re putting on?

I’m going with minerally challenged. Mostly cuz I want to type minerally a lot and see if I can turn it into a real word.

The challenge is to use the secretary outfits plus stuff from some lost and found box to make them presentable for work. There’s a lost and found box at my job with fake diamond reading glasses and some gum. My point? Don’t have one. But I look adorable in the glasses. Guest Judge makes faces at the camera and tells the designers that she’s never done the walk of shame, not even in college! Everyone laughs, but I rewound and still couldn’t figure out why. Kinda like Ugly Betty. Haven tells us that she’s done the walk of shame once or twice, not realizing no one’s talking about walking around in bad jackets from the eighties.
GO is called and everyone flits to the lost and found boxes. Kenley is the first to complain (SHOCKER!). They were given lots of scraps to use for the top, “but no solution for the bottom.” Sorry they didn’t pack a suitcase for you, moron. It’s a creativity challenge. I was disappointed when she opened the box too though, I have to admit. I was hoping there was ricin or some shit in there. Reco takes a giant purple scarf/shawl thing and drapes their girl. He keeps saying “this hot, this hot” over and over. So not.

Can I go back to looking like a whore now?

I can’t believe I didn’t notice this before, but Wednesday Addams and James Pole get to work on Austin Scarlett!! Luckies!

Hormone bumps.

MexiJay is in luck, because this challenge requires no sewing. He ties a scarf around his girl as a “Grecian top!” Can he tie? Remains to be seen. My guess is no. Kenley and Reco’s model looked like she took that half an hour of work time to become pregnant and homeless.

No, I don’t have any spare change. But I’ll give you the rest of my diet coke for that baby.

I was wrong about MexiJay. He and Merlin’s top tying paid off. The knot is above the shoulder and looks like one of those Sex and the City flowers. Current? No. But it’s MexiJay. It doesn’t look like a taped together Quincenera dress, so it’s progress. They were given a cute jacket though, which is kinda unfair, and the scarf they chose as the belt doesn’t even try to match.

Guest Judge loves it, but this is the girl in the hip monster dress, so take that lightly. Yarn and Haven just basically cut off their model’s fishnets and gave her an ugly sweater and an uglier scarf. She looks like Tootsie.

“Oh I know what y’all really want is some gross, caricature of a woman to prove some idiotic point that power makes a woman masculine, or masculine women are ugly. Well shame on you for letting a man do that, or any man that does that. That means you, dear. Miss Marshall. Shame on you, you macho shit head.”

Laura and Guest like it because it covered up the ho parts. A snuggie would cover that shit up too. What’s your point? She looks like dog butt. Guest loves what James Pole and Merlin did to Austin Scarlett, but Guest thinks they were just lucky with what they’ve been given. Wednesday argues that it wasn’t luck, it was a good eye. Guest smiles curtly and responds “it’s a lucky day.” Bitch! And how is that their fault if they were lucky? They didn’t pack their own box.

They made Austin Scarlett look manlier than he has in years. They should win.

Kenley tells us she hates her and Reco’s dress and wouldn’t wear it and wahwahwah. Guest loves the draping. HUH? What a tacky idiot. That thing is hideous. Reco tells us that it was hard for him to not wave his finger in Kenley’s face and jump up and down screaming about being right. Thankfully, he does it for us.

MexiJay and Merlin win!! I don’t agree, but at least it gives us a chance to check out Merl’s dodohawk. He looks like a scared bird. In a sweater dress.

Polly haunt a cracker.

Today’s challenge will be to work for one of the biggest names in the industry!! This show can really pull in the stars, so I’m gonna guess it’s Melissa Rivers. Or Charo, but I admit that’s more of a dream than an actual guess. It’s Eyesack! Dressed like Amelia Earhart on an Entenmann’s binge.

No wonder that plane went down. They’re called points. Count ‘em.

Wednesday Addams giggles and says “Eyesack! Where you bean? Der you are!” LOL. The challenge will be to create a look for his upcoming collection. That’s easy! He just staple guns a bunch of crap on a dress form and calls it art. Still, the looks on Merlin and MexiJay’s faces are just priceless.

That dodohawk just deflated.

Eyesack says that to start a collection, you need a Mood Board, which is a big board you put all your inspiration onto. I was expecting a big Ben and Jerry’s ad, but when he uncovers it, it’s covered in fish skeletons, pictures of tribal African ladies, tinfoil, and pink. Lots of pink. My favorite sketch is the hunchbacked old witch in a cape. That Eyesack really designs for everyone.

This is Fern’s birthday present.

He stresses the importance of kente cloth and plaid, and Tax Haven thinks she has this one in the bag.

I don’t know what ken tay is, but I’ve got plaid! Say shoulder pads! Say shoulder pads!

They will only have eight hours to complete this challenge, and they will have to stay in their assigned teams!! YAAAYY!!! That news sucks so hard that Reco actually has a shot with his mouth closed.

Because they won the mini-challenge, Merlin and MexiJay win a special prize. Five minutes alone with Eyesack! MexiJay says “five minutes in heaven with Eyesack.” EW. Did his teeth just turn browner?

Kenley tells us that having five minutes alone with Eyesack is the perfect prize. She’s saying that, of course, because she didn’t win it. If she had, she’d be rolling her eyes and telling us she’s too talented for a suck ass gift like that. While MexiJay and Merlin go off to listen to Eyesack try and put his mushy tin foil and fish skeleton thoughts together, the other designers check out the mood board. Reco takes it as an opportunity to scan America for a husband.

Way cuter this way. He should always walk around like this. And not talk.

Eyesack takes questions. Merlin asks what age he designs for and Eyesack says that to him everyone’s perpetually thirty five. LOL. He also says that he’s into layering this season, loves bright colors, and he’s wearing the Earhart piece stolen directly from the grave and didn’t let it out at all so GET OFF MY ASS. Alrighty. Thanks.
James Pole, of course, goes directly for the fish skeletons because he’s deep like that. He wants to make a fish shape. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. I can’t wait to see that. Wednesday says nothing. Well, nothing intelligible anyway. Kenley and Reco are fighting right off the bat. He wants to make a Cinderella dress and she wants to make pants. Reco sketches beloved Disney characters hanging by their toes. Those women have lived through enough pain.

Let Belle and Snow White down from there you torturer!

Merlin doesn’t think MexiJay knows dick about fabric because MJ picks some busted ugly caca for a jacket, but “I’n gonna geeve heem a laysson.” A lesson? Dumb ass, if he loses you lose. OY. And why would you make a jacket with only eight hours? Haven doesn’t know why Yarn is agreeing with everything she says, but she’ll take it. This girl better not have anything to drink on that set, cuz the minute she shows signs of a buzz she’s getting Yarn banged.
Kenley and Reco continue to squawk at each other. She says if they do something bad it’s disrespectful to Eyesack. Well with that reasoning, he disrespects himself all the time so I wouldn’t worry about it. Reco says that she’s disrespecting him. Can we just pretend that these two aren’t here?
MexiJay is repeating his “five minutes in Heaven” line to Yarn, and says that he would “get with” Eyesack just for the interesting story. EW EW EW. My testicles just tightened so hard I can feel them in the back of my throat. He adds, “but it’s like kissing your grandma.” I just threw up my bawls. Thanks, Fashion Show.
The models come in for fitting, and James Pole and Wednesday Addams are already a disaster. They basically just wrap a drab piece of fabric around the model and pin it there.

This is the second time a Snuggie has appeared in this recap, and it’s making me cold.

Over on team MerliJay, Mexi is just sitting around talking about what colors he likes while Merlin does all the sewing. Merl tells us in the third person that he doesn’t like MexiJay but will do whatever it take to ween. Then he gives us a mental image of the lengths he’s gone to win, and it makes me wonder how he sits without a hemorrhoid pillow.

Congrats. You’ve won a Holland Tunnel rear end.

Very dramatic music is playing while James Pole realizes Wednesday is a slow sewer. He doesn’t really help, but it’s sweet that he sits there and stares at her til 2AM. During the commercial there is a mini clip about Wednesday complaining all the time in her high Muppet voice, sounding like a pigeon. LOL. I kinda love Wednesday. I just wish she didn’t suck so hard. The next morning, Haven sprays a can of Aqua Net all over the apartment while Merlin does bis best to look high fashion in that same ole catsuit he always wears. This time, there’s a tie, so it’s totally different and doesn’t stink at all.

You can say what you want about Merlin’s fashion sense, but he has entire Mariachi Bands trying to look like him. How many people can say that?

Back at the workroom, Merlin tries on the skirt, and it’s a beautiful moment.

Perfect! Places!

It’s the second half of the hour, which means it’s time for Kenley to start doubting herself and convincing us that she’s gonna lose, which she won’t no matter how bad she is because she’s the only real villain here. Reco agrees that she sucks and says that he’s gonna use her flaws against her in the end. Then he says to keep your enemies close. I wonder how Sun Tzu would feel about being misquoted by a flaming stripper designer.

Das from a story call “Art of Whore”, okaaay?

Eyesack and Not Beyonce come in to check on progress, starting with Haven and Yarn. Eyesack starts laughing and says he knows who was in charge of the shorts. Haven gets defensive and snaps “They’re called culottes this time.” HAHAH.

Not kidding.

Eye tells them to make sure their personalities shine through. Culottes. What more do you want? Reco and Kenley are next, and Ken says that they were inspired by flowers. Reco says they’re working as a team by compromising. Whatever, it looks like total crap. Merli and MexiJay. Eyesack is mortified by the felt jacket, which shocks MexiJay. Head slap. We don’t really get to see much of James Pole and Wednesday’s fish outfit, but Not B’s face says it all.

In the hallway, Eyesack and Not B say nothing. What is the point of these two? Time for the show! This needs to happen right now before MexiJay stresses the last follicle of hair right off Merlin’s little head.

They really found some stars to sit in the audience this week. I even see the lady who sold me Indian bread loaves on a school trip to a reservation back in El Paso.

So…do you have any butter?

Kenley and Reco are out first. They’re outfit is a personal low for the both of them. YIKES. A bright red Jackie O. jacket with a purple blouse and shiny pants that make the model look sixty and ready for bed. Hideous hideous hideous work.

Might wanna lighten up on the sodium.

Reco says that if this lands them in the bottom, he will throw Kenley under the bus. As he so eloquently puts it: “Goodbye! I’m gonna ride over her on the retarded bus and then back up.” The cute thing is that he put himself on the retarded bus. Kenley thinks that her jacket (barf) and pants (gag) are great, but she’s worried about Reco’s top (the only thing that fits). Eyesack loves the shape, but this chick in the audience ain’t buyin it.

Wednesday and James Pole are out next with their fish outfit. It looks…fishy. There’s some poofy wrap thing around the model’s shoulders. I don’t know what the f these two were thinking, but it’s not as hideous as Reco and Kenley’s. Or is it? I can’t tell any more. This show really knows how to lower the taste bar.

Now it’s Fern’s turn to make a disgusted face. Or maybe she just burped.

That either sucks, or she should have skipped her third lunch.

The model takes off the jacket, and we are shown the audience’s scrunched up, confused faces.

Haven and Yarn are next, and theirs is actually semi-cute…

Until the model takes of the jacket.

Ouch. That’s just bad. Fern loves how the color pops out when you open the jacket. Uh yeah. It sure does pop. My eyes hurt. But I love the house siding on the collar. Now it’s time for Merl and MexiJay. They’re work is pretty decent. Yes, the jacket is felt and I think Merlin’s already made it for another challenge, but it looks kinda cool from here. The skirt works in an Eyesack hideous but affordable kinda way, which, after all, is the challenge.

It’s buttoned with elephant tusks or some shit, and when it opens, there’s a formal glitter top with bullets attached to the neck. That top doesn’t work with the skirt or the neon green belt, but did you really expect it to? These people blow.

It only gets worse when we get a view of the whole thing.

MexiJay says that it’s exactly what he dreamt about. And that is why he needs to go to trade school.
Judging time! James Pole is wearing a drama teacher pancho and Merlin has flared his sleeves.

You are all hereby found guilty and sentenced to death by firing squad. The End.

The guest judge is “actress, model, writer” and Eyesack’s muse, Veronica Webb. Fitting, cuz she was Tim Gunn’s right hand girl before she was deemed too nasty and boring and got herself fired. Glad to see Bravo making at least a payment on her cc bill. They take care of their own on this channel.

We’re so happy you’re back. Hopefully we’ll get to see you fired again.

Eyesack congratulates them all on doing such a fabulous job. ?? What’d I miss? The two top audience choices are Merlin and MexiJay and Haven and Yarn. This would be more exciting if we didn’t know that Wednesday or James Pole are going home, but it will still be fun to watch Reco rip Kenley’s false eyelashes off.
Fern thinks Haven and Yarn showed their own personalities while making Mizrahi clothes, and Eyesack says this is the first time Haven’s made shorts that look great. She takes that as a huge compliment, not getting that he basically said her weekly shorts have sucked ass til today. I was hoping she would snap “CULOTTES” but she doesn’t. Veronica drones on about how much they picked up on Eyesack’s style. Man, I know that I am not knowledgeable about fashion AT ALL, but wow. Could someone please explain to me how this doesn’t look like total ass?

The audience loved the overall look of Merlin and MexiJay’s work. Merlin gives MJ credit for being the head designer, and Veronica loves Merlin’s patterns. Fern says with this economy, the colors are important. Veronica would wear it down the runway, if she was still sent down the runway. I get that colors are important, but shouldn’t they compliment each other in some way?

Haven and Yarn win! Whatevs. These were all pretty much equal in the fug department to me. The loozas are called up, and Kenley and Reco look plain evil. Even their model looks furious. The audience said that Pole and Addam’s created a bad mermaid costume, and someone else said it looked sloppy. Veronica thinks the plaid lining makes it look like a Burberry knockoff. Eyesack thinks that alone, the jacket thing is decent, but on a model it’s not ok. James Pole launches into some monologue about how he envisioned a fish and then cut squares and looped shit around and made a jacket. HUH? Eye moves on to Wednesday, saying the dress needs more length, and Fern thinks the scale thing is too long. Veronica asks what body type the dress is made for, cuz it wouldn’t be flattering on anyone and their collaboration looks more like War of the Worlds than Meeting of the Minds. Oooooh. She’s witty! Nope. Still fired.
The audience described Kenley’s pants as “granny pj pants.” LOL. Reco smiles big at that one. Eyesack calls the color combo Mizrahi light and artless. Eyesack says good fashion enters your sinuses and makes your head explode. Well, his method was never in question, but it’s nice to have it publicly confirmed.

The judges all agree that the top is fabulous and the only good part. Hehe. Eyesack says it’s obvious there was no collaboration and Kenley jumps in and stutters that she agrees and it was hard cuz Reco didn’t support her and help her. LOL what a untcay. Reco starts waving his finger around and saying she kicked him down and he fought against the design. They squawk like hens until Not B shuts them up and asks them who’s responsible. Kenley takes a long time, but she does take credit.
In private time, Eyesack says all the designers are really great and he’ll be sad to kick someone off. Uh….ok. Back at the stage, Kenley is telling Reco that they’re just different and he says “yeah but you was working for Eyesack!” She continues that they should have agreed on something and supported each other, and he basically just starts ignoring her. What a trainwreck this girl is. Does she really believe what she’s saying? Cuz she was the one who no’ed them into the bottom. Something tells me Wednesday Addams is uncomfortable with confrontation.

The judges hated James Pole and Wednesday Addams’ work, but the dress was definitely the worst. Eyesack adds that he was enthralled by James Poles “fish cut into squares and looped around” monologue and thinks he’s a genius who just doesn’t know how to connect with an audience. LOL. If that’s genius to the head judge, there is no hope for this show.
As far as Kenley and Reco go, Eyesack says the most unforgivable thing of the entire night was Kenley’s pants. YAY! Fern calls them plain ugly. Now to eliminations! James Pole is safe, and so is Reco, but Kenley and Wednesday have to stay on stage. Eyesack tells Wednesday that she failed in the fit department. He thinks Kenley’s work was awful, but she gets to stay anyway. Shocker! Damn Kenley has a deal with the devil. Wednesday thinks her work was just too complicated and she’s embarrassed. AW!! She talks about how strong she is as she sobs.

I could just eat a bug.

What did you guys think? Did Wednesday get the shaft or did she deserve it?

Last week, Disappointed Midwestern Mom not only got sent home, he got called average. I had high hopes for him. He didn’t really have any talent to speak of, but I like Moms.

Well, praying didn’t do squat. Thanks a lot up there! What did I go to church for forty years for? Now it’s back to those god awful brats. DON’T MAKE ME GO! If I have to make one more pbj sandwich I’m gonna cut one of their tiny heads off. Oh sweet Jesus. I can’t believe I just thought that. Forgive me. Waaah! I’m just so disapppoooointed!

Fabric Cancer Angel, the girl with a tranny name who dyes fabric with UV attracting rays, was just hanging by a thread when we last saw her. I only bring this up again cuz I didn’t notice last week that her “average woman” model looked like Yarn Lady with a pretty sweet but sensibly priced makeover.

Right?

Reco starts the week off by warning Merlin to leave him alone cuz he’s “butt naked and I gotta boner.” Merlin shrugs it off and says that’s “juss Reco een da morneen, anddat I don deal wee.” Yeah right. If that camera wasn’t on him he’d jump on that thing and do a spine spin.

Over in the girls bathroom, Kenley and Tax Haven are trying to decide whether desperate Haven’s short shorts will get her noticed by the judges more than Kenley’s desperate Kenley bow taped to the side of her Boy George Kenley head.

Girls! Don’t fight! You both look desperately seeking retarded, k? There. Feel better?

Merlin tells us that Kenley is unstoppable, and over in the other room, Kenley giggles maniacally and basically agrees with him. She doesn’t want to get cocky, cuz she knows there are still lots of people to get eliminated before she is crowned QUEEN! QUEEN OF THE WOOOORLD! Calm down, crazy. First off, you’re way past cocky. You’re way past cunty, k? Secondly, now I can’t think cuz I said cunty. Gross. She so is though.

I feel like I’m being too harsh on her. No wait. I just pressed play and she was still giggling insanely over her magnificence. She better get her ass kicked off, SOON. Once Merlin is fully dressed in his Yoko Ono morning look, they are out the door for another challenge.
They get to the studio and Laura Brown is there with EyeSack and Not Beyonce. Brown looks like a ten year old girl with a sixty year old head and stilettos. WTF is Laura Brown thinking? Yes, everyone wants to look young, but not that young. Next week she’s gonna show up in a onesie that says “My Mom’s Hot” on the front.

Dakota Fanning, shouldn’t you be in school?

EyeSack gets really serious. Like really, reaaallly serious. One day, these designers will be called on to design for someone very important and very influential. LOL. I am so sure. Why, look at Isabelle Toledo and Jason Wu! They’ve designed for Michelle Obama! And Dior designed for Cameron Diaz and Betsy Woo designed for Princess Di. What’s your point? None of those mothafuckas in the house. These people will be lucky to get called on for jury duty.
Today’s mystery guest is very influential, and one of New York’s biggest movers and shakers!! I’m guessing it will be the Deputy Mayor’s niece. This show could really pull in some stars if it wanted to.
Like Beyonce.
Not.
Tax Haven hopes “it’s Hitlery Clindon.” Hitlery Clindon? Maybe. Hillary Clinton? No, honey. Although there was one point in the early 90’s when she had that claw hair, like you have.

That’s some current shit.

Reco poos his pants. He tries to think of one single name of someone influential and important and can’t think of one. “Don’t tell me! Uh…what’s that chick name? Uh, Sandra Pagin Sandra … wha? Whas? Sarind Palin!” Yes, Sarah Palin is the special guest. And she’s going to hunt you. RUN!

You’ll be turned into the only couch with a boner in the Alaska office.

The special guest is…..some cute Jewish thirty year old pretending she’s in high school! YAY! The designers are all “uhhhh….hi.” Poor guys really thought Hitlery Clindon was gonna walk through that door. The girl is running for Student Council President, and needs to appeal to all the cliques to get their votes. Well good luck with that. I have a feeling most of the “cliques” would have the same general reaction to this toothy, go getter of a girl.

Reco tells us that he can relate to her, cuz he used to be Vice President of his thenior clath. In other words, he was the one who showed up at the pledge drive when the President couldn’t make it and told teleprompter jokes and asked guys in wheelchairs to stand up. But in a really gay way with a random part shaven into the middle of his head.

They all have an hour to design t-shirts that would win votes from different cliques. I hope Kenley gets the cholas at the smoker’s wall. And then I hope they hate it and spray Aqua Net in her eyes. The winner of this challenge receives IMMUNITY!! WTH? For designing a t-shirt? None of these people deserve to be saved. Yarn tells us that she really wants to win immunity. No shit! Don’t worry I’m sure you’re the only one who feels that way. Don’t worry about designing something decent. Whoever wants it the most will win! YAY SECRET!
The cliques they are designing for are determined by backpacks they pick off the back wall. Haven was a cheerleader in high school. My guess is that she was the top of the pyramid, cuz she seems to have fallen on her head a lot. Practice makes perfect! She picks the Skater bag. We know this cuz there’s a graffiti hat and a trapper keeper that says SKATER really big. Uh oh! I predict Haven will spray paint a shirt and call it a day.
Mexican Jay has a football in his bag. He looks at it like it’s an alien object. He pokes it, bites it, and finally sits on it. Haven tells him it’s a football and he squats it back out and shrugs. He has to appeal to the jocks. I’m sure he’s tried appealing to jocks before, but hopefully he won’t get beat up this time. Merlin gets a tiara, which he calls “a leedle crown”. Shockingly, it immediately goes on his head, right above his sarong/headband/skirt/shawl unit.

We have come a long way to 2009, but unfortunately there is still no midget pre-op clique for Merl to relate to. He is in charge of the Mean Girls. That’s a clique? I thought that was just a mild ass movie that put Tina Fey on the map and got Lohan addicted to meth. Whatever. I’m rolling with it. Merlin says “I went to dee high school, bud we deeden have dese kindo tings een my country. Nobody is playing a character to survife een da jungle life.” That was actually kinda deep, Merl. Wise little pre-op really summed up American high school life pretty damn well. There was only one clique in Merlin’s high school. The frightened priest clique.

Wednesday Addams picked the Nerd backpack but she doesn’t know anything about math, so the equation she puts on her shirt is pretty…well, wrong. Just wrong. At least she’s super creative, gluing numbers to a shirt for math nerds. Who else would have thought of that?

Fabric Cancer chose the B-Girl backpack, and since she grew up in the Midwest, she has no idea what a B-Girl is. She is flustered. As usual. Reco got drama, and gets so excited that he does a Norma Desmond pose. He decides to do something crazy original for his shirt. A frowny face/smiley face mask! Reco’s supposedly the best one on this show, and he’s a straight up hack. Frowny/smiley face? COME ON. Just put the reason everyone joins drama on the front of the shirt. A penis.
Kenley gets the Tree Hugger clique. Who the fuck is coming up with these cliques? Kenley thinks she has this one in the bag. I wish she would take that bag and put it over her stupid face. And I hope it’s a plastic bag. That gets stuck. She’s glued a bunch of felt tan colored leaves to a shirt and the phrase “Giuliana for President is the New Green.” That doesn’t make any kinda sense, but it’s nice to see someone rape the whole saving the Earth gimmick for yet another useless product. She says she wanted to put “Farm Animals Are Delicious” on the back of her shirt, then she laughs at her own stupid joke. Turn this moron into compost and grow a tree. That’s green.
Yarn chose the Goth back pack. She tells us that she had her angry at the world phase. That was in her thirties, right before she got eleven cats and learned how to knit, entering the “sad acceptance of a quiet apartment” phase. James Pole chose Prep, so he’s doing what he describes as “the Ralph Lauren look”.

Ralph Lauren is at home poking his eyes out right now.

Time is called and the shirts are put on a clothesline for the thirty year old running for student council to look over with Laura Brown. Those are some ugly ass shirts. Giuliani, the girl, seems to like Reco’s double t-shirt trim as well as Jame’s Poles glued on plastic crystals, and she calls Kenley’s glued on leaves “interesting.”

So do the producers of this show, apparently.

Fabric Cancer spray painted her shirt and glued on fabric musical notes (bwahahaha), and Wednesday Addams stole directly from the Obama playbook. Not only does she tout super fuzzy math, but she added “Yes we can!” to the front. I was wrong about Haven. She didn’t spray paint her shirt. She finger painted it and put a really bad picture of Kenley on the front.

Anyone who wears this will look like they have very low nipples that are trying to high five.

Haven thinks hers is not the best, not the most creative, but “the most clever.” Cuz she said get on board and there was a skate board. Oooooh! And you were a cheerleader? Giuliani “by far” liked Kenley’s nonsensical tree shirt the best. ARGH. WTF?!? Ah well, it’s highschool in 2009. That bs will probably make sense to the students who can actually read it . Yarn is super happy for Kenley.

“Kenley wins everything!” she pouts. Yes, and that’s a testament to just how much the rest of you blow. Kenley tells us that she didn’t need elimination cuz she’s not going anywhere anyway. And looking around at these dodo birds, I think she’s right. Even though I hate it.
EyeSack tells them that in high school, he didn’t really have a clique and just stood alone and judged everyone else. HAHA. Oh EyeSack. Now he’s practically a jock. Well, comparatively. The challenge will be to design a full outfit for a girl in the same clique that the designers chose for the mini challenge. Poor Fabric Cancer still doesn’t know what a B Girl is. I have a feeling she won’t be putting musical notes anywhere, though. MexiJay is stuck with a jock girl. Mom jeans and a wife beater. Done. Inexplicably, he chooses to do pants with fringe.

If Giuliani was trying to get MexiJay’s vote.

He is trying to figure out what the jock girl would be after high school and decides that she would work at Home Depot. LOL. Tax Haven is gonna make a hoodie. Hopefully she will finger paint it. Fabric Cancer finally just asks Reco what a B-Girl is, and takes the time to explain his shifty social life to us. He used to like Haven, MexiJay and Kenley, but now he likes her, Wednesday, Merlin and James Pole. Thanks for that. We were all dying to know.

Yeah you might wanna get to work.

Merlin is still bruised from being made fun of by EyeSack last week, and thinks that the same thing’s gonna happen this time. He’s afraid the whole world will be making fun of him. The guy in the Ugly Betty poncho and tiara on national television is worried about being made fun of. Wow. Grow a pair. Or if that’s too hard just get the biggest pair of clip ons you can find. It worked for Felicia Gallant’s confidence, and it will work for yours. “I know wha a means girls mean to me, wha I afraid is day specting da girl from da movie Mean Geerls”, which he only sat through fifteen minutes of. Yes, Merlin. They expect you to create a life size replica of Lindsay Lohan. Splatter spots on some popsicle sticks and give them a bloody nose. You’re welcome.
Merlin has trouble understanding what James Pole was assigned. Creepy? PeePee? James Pole says “like Lacoste” and Merlin says “oooh! Preppy!” LOL. He may have learned English from a JC Penny catalogue, but he learned it, dammit! James Pole tells us that this challenge is very important to him cuz he was picked on in school (you don’t say), which he went to in LA and London, thank you very much.
He gets all choked up and says that “nobody knew what I was trying to do and why I was doing it. I always got picked on cuz I wanted to do fashion, so this moment will show them why I wanted to do it.” WAAAHHHH. Ok first of all, still no one understands what you’re doing or why you’re doing it. And second, it might be easier to fall for your leaky ass Lifetime movie of the week bs if you hadn’t been such an egotistical sexist piece of shit last week when you had to work with “normal” people. And how is he proving that he’s meant to be a fashion designer to all those mean kids? He’s tying a sweater around his dress form. I totally want to put gum in his hair right now.

Oh, hon! Let me just put you in this locker and bang on it with a baseball bat til you feel better.

Reco is doing a costume from Rome, and bragging about how fast he is. I’ve never seen anyone suck that quickly!

Kenley is “not ok” with doing an outfit for a tree hugger. Or an average woman. Or anyone she’s assigned, actually. She’s only ok with winning stuff and dressing like Boy George a couple decades before he locked that boy hooker in his apartment. She doesn’t even know how tree huggers dress. She just knows they always look dirty. Hate her, but have to agree with her there. She doesn’t even try to think of something tree huggery, and just makes some really fugly poorly done pants instead. Yikes. I wouldn’t be showing off that stomach on the runway. That model has the biggest belly button I’ve ever seen.

She could hide a pack of Peanut M&M’s in that thing.

Kenley’s lucky she has immunity, cuz it’s not looking good for her. Merlin says he is breaking down, but he says it in that cartoony hands on cheeks “dios Mio!” kinda way, which means he’s ok. Time is called for the day, and Reco says it’s time for beauty sleep. “I sho need it!” Aw, don’t beat yourself up. How many people can honestly say that they are four times as hot as they were in high school?

Do you know these fools have to get out of bed at four am to do this shit? No wonder they all eventually go fucknuts right before our eyes. EyeSack and Not Beyonce come to check up on everyone’s progress, and since no one remembered even seeing Not B last week when they had to remember what dress she was wearing, she’s bright and sunshiny and totally noticeable today. In a black dress against a black door. Girl. And you wonder why you’re always in the back?

Arms and legs and a big face are coming at you. Brace yourselves.

They stop over at Merlin’s station first. Isaac says “so you’re in charge of Mean Girls?” in a way that suggests he doesn’t remember being a mean girl to Merlin last week and giving him the international symbol for asshole. Today he’s giving Merls the International fuck you middle finger.

Waid a meenoot!

Merlin is making a Mean Girl alright. She’s mean cuz she’s wearing too many goddamn clothes. She’s probably got boob sweat right now.

And den dere ees a cone hat and a pancho and skirt/rap ting!

Way to make the dress form look like she’s got saggy boobs even though she’s got the best boobs ever made cuz she’s a dress form.
The sweater opens up to reveal a blouse with all kinds of pink shit all over it. The neck is severe,but he could pull it off maybe if he didn’t try to decorate the dress form like a cake. I’ll bet Merlin makes some gorgeous cupcakes. That don’t taste good. EyeSack and Not Beoncye are like “uh…no.” Merlin is genuinely shocked. He says that he’s going for an LA girl. Not B’s face is rude.

What do you mean I’m singing the backup line?

Merlin looks like a sad lost little elf.

I wanna hug him and squeeze him and tell him it’s gonna be ok and just cuz he’s different doesn’t mean he can’t be loved and successful too. Kidding! I wanna make him cry.

Aw. Let me get you a cupcake.

They do not hide their feelings today. Hated it! Merlin sits next to his Bratz doll funeral costume and looks after them, crushed. Hug him or kick him?

I so wanna kickhug you right now.

Reco is next, and he’s in a light blue t-shirt with a pink t-shirt lining? Actual t-shirt? Please say he’s not working at making that t-shirt lining thing into a career. He’s turned his Rome dress into a miniskirt cocktail party number. He’ll drape, but he’s only drapin a ho. The dress is falling off the dress form, and EyeSack gets real persnickety with him. I guess they were told to be meaner this week. Or maybe they were told to just do something. Anything.
MexiJay is next, and EyeSack yabba dabba doo’s. HEHE. Then Not B does a Tony the Tiger impression. Come on guys. He’s been wearing that shirt every day for a month already and you’re just noticing now? I can smell that thing from here. MexiJay chose the Jock look, and he’s making “an updated ” version. By updated he means he added backpack straps to a pair of gym shorts from Target.

Not B acts like she’s solved a Father Dowling Mystery when she guesses that he’s never been to a football game. She and Eyesack snivel and make faces and generally act rude. I’m loving this new side! MexiJay? Not loving it. The judges are a bit nicer when they get to Fabric Cancer, but only cuz she got the B Girl clique and that means it’s time for Not B to grunt and make spirit fingers.

They seem to like the bright shiny ski vest, but think the pants are gonna be too big.

Spirit fingers and stank eye within ten seconds of each other? Not Beyonce! I never knew ye!

Yarn is worried for Fabric Cancer, cuz she had B girls in her class and they would never wear what Cancer is making. Not B and EyeSack go out in the hall to talk. They think MexiJay is starting to act like he doesn’t care. LOL. Starting? When has he made one good thing? Not B thinks Reco is making a maternity dress, and EyeSack thinks it looks like a nightgown. Pregnant women wear nightgowns, so there you go. EyeSack is really giving his all today. I think it’s stressing him out. Look at this face he makes.

He looks like he’s about to hand someone a poison apple.

EyeSack thinks Merlin is close to having something good, but he should keep the sleeves long. WHAT? You just totally dissed those sleeves and gave them a dirty look! That’s why he’s shortening them? So. Wrong.
Reco tells us that he thought he looked great in high school but looking back he knows he was “the foo.” LOL. Love him. How can you not? I can see him at eighty years old, being all energetic and bitchy and toothless. Aw!

MexiJay was a raver. A very skinny raver.

Honestly? Stay on drugs. They were good for you.

Tax Haven was “a cheerleader and the President.” Not Class President. The President. Read the shitty news lately? It kinda makes sense. She became a raging slut in her junior and senior years so she was no longer allowed to be a cheerleader or the President. And then the country crumbled.
Time to get to the show. Fern arrives and looks absolutely radiant and thrilled to be back.

Backstage, Fabric Cancer struggles and says she doesn’t know if she’ll make it (shocker) while MexiJay asks Haven’s opinion on the leggings with fringe running down the back that he made. She thinks he should just ditch them, but he says fuck it and decides to use them. Cuz he’s a rebel. And really really lacking in the taste department.

Missed a spot.

James Pole helps out Fabric Cancer, cuz she’s behind and unfinished and a general mess, which never ever happens five seconds before a show. As usual, Tom Colicchio the stage manager forces her work out while she’s still sewing it on to the model. It looks like James Pole left a giant needle sticking out of her jacket. Please don’t let that be the case. Fabric Cancer is kinda a flaky twit, but there are at least six people that deserve to get the can before her.

Let’s get this show on the road so we can get out of here and eat something.

Yarn is out first with Goth. LOL. I was thinking more along the lines of Ally Sheedy in Breakfast Club. She went for the girl in the Capri Cigarettes commercial.

Her model looks like a vampire, but that’s the only Goth on her. I have never ever seen a Goth chick in capri pants. Yarn talks about how proud she is of the jacket as the model takes it off.

Goth secretary.

This guy’s face says it all.

Reco made a teen pregnancy wedding dress for his Drama Club outfit. With a vest (?). It doesn’t work, cuz everyone knows girls in drama club don’t get laid. All the dudes are gay. When this girl is in labor you will know, cuz that skirt’s so short you’ll see her crowning.

I was ready to move on, but he’s made some cloth snail puppet thing for her boob. WTF?

The model opens the one button vest and backstage Reco goes “WOW!” at himself. HAHAHA. I love that he’s so impressed with his own ridiculous work. Poor model’s labia is hanging out and he’s backstage high fiving himself.
James Pole is out next with his Preppy Look. Wow. Khaki riding pants tucked into black tights with a black t-shirt under a three quarter uniform sweater. Is she wearing a mail bag? Wow. He really sucks. The sleeves are clut unevenly, the pants are way unflattering…why even keep typing? Just look at it.

Wait. There’s more. She turns around to go back up the runway. The pants/shorts are coming unpinned and flopping all over, and he’s added a plaid and a pink patch with felt cutouts that say LAI. With a saggy looking ass like that, the last thing this girl is getting is laid. Maybe that’s why the missing D.

Merlin’s work still has the clown cupcake collar, but he fit the sweater better and made a really well fitting, cute pair of jeans. It also helps that his model is smokin and looks like an actual woman instead of a child sold into white slavery, like most of the others. Not his best, but not his worst. Tacky as hell, but someone would wear it. It’s Mean Armenian Girls.

She takes off the sweater and it gets worse. I didn’t know there were that many shades of pink.

The model takes a giant mirror out of her purse and is supposed to blow a kiss at herself, but instead starts screaming, horrified, and runs off stage crying.

No! Nooooooo! I used to be goooooorgeous!

Haven pulled off her best work yet for her skater girl. Love the midriff sweater. I don’t know how skater-y it is, but it’s just nice not to see her completely bone it for a change.

Reco says that her detail wasn’t up to par with his garment’s. LOL. The only detail on your garment was sadness, and she’s got that. Just in a not sucky way. Wednesday Addams was assigned the Nerds. Get it? Her model is wearing glasses!! The shirt is sloppy and unfitted, and the dress could be cute if it was cut right. The hem is way uneven and the shirt is hanging out below the belt. Yikes. She’s making an effort to stand knock kneed, which is funny. Or is that just how she stands? I don’t know, but there is so much bad work today it’s hard to even tell just how hard this one blows.

MexiJay is up next with his hairy back legged jock look. This is what Charo would wear on a basketball break.

He’s done worse. This is at least interesting. Wait. She turns around and you can really see the flap things hanging off the side that make her look like a heifer. Man. Did they cast for this show or just comb the streets picking up freaky gays? MexiJay says he doesn’t design for Middle America. Because every chick in NYC is totally gonna be into this look. Idiot. Middle America doesn’t want your stank ass anyway. Keep your unwashed whiny greasy self in the urban areas, please. Reco says the model looks like a ho, and he doesn’t mean it as a compliment. Way to piss off your clientele, Reco!
Kenley made a Little Red Ridinghood cape over really poor pants that don’t fit her giant belly buttoned model at all. Yikes. If a tree saw this girl coming in for a hug, it would uproot itself and run the other way.

Tree Hugga in Da Hood

The audience literally groans when Fabric Cancer’s B Girl comes out. LOL. Come on it’s not that bad! The tight black pants look cute and the vest could be more hideous. Why is she wearing a yellow plaid scarf? I have no idea. The model is a little budget Hilton on a ski trip, but there has been way worse today.

The scarf and the hat killed this one. One of the audience members loved the jock look, but Barney Frank completely disagrees.

What the heww kinda jowk is dat? Thufferin thuckatash!

This crazy bitch liked the Drama look. Shocking.

Why, is that a pair of Danny Gokey lenses?

Some “real” fashion “expert” lady says she liked the Prep look cuz “it looks like something the cast of Gossip Girls would wear.” OK not the name of the show. You’re so young and hip. Judging time! The guest judge is some pouty chick named Charlotte.

Dang. Take a nap.

EyeSack says he was scared in the workroom but everything turned out better than they thought it would. There isn’t a flashback of him and Not B acting like total assholes earlier in the episode, but there should be.
The two top audience winners are Haven and Merlin!! WOW. The cupcake is in the top two!! That’s called scraping the bottom of the bottom’s barrel. Haven makes a sour face when Merlin’s is called. I’m sure you assumed that, but I still have to write it down. As he’s taking his seat, Reco loudly whispers “Haven up there! Come on!” Subtle.
Over 83% of the audience would buy Merlin’s outfit. Yikes. Not Beyonce loves the cupcake decoration neck, and EyeSack loved all the different pinks. Fern says the pants are mean, and EyeSack agrees and thinks Merlin has found his inner mean girl. Merlin giggles sweetly instead of telling him to fuck off and stop making him feel like crap just to get a couple lines in during workroom time.
Haven giggles, shocked, as she is complimented. They all love the tiny checker board print on the back of the pant…but Merlin wins!! I think his work kinda blew, but I like him so I’m glad he won. He says that he caught da look on Reco and Kenley’s faces and they were delicious and adorable. HAHAH.

Will a JPEG suffice?

I think Yarn has the best reaction, personally. Her jaw is literally hanging open. I don’t know if I have shared the pleasure of what Merlin is wearing right now. He looks like Rhea Perlman auditioning for a superhero part. About to swim laps.

The other designers are called to the stage, but Kenley gets to stay seated cuz she has immunity. BS! If they’re not gonna say anything to her about it, what was the point of even doing it? The judges have enough meat to rip apart without her. Eyesack tells them it didn’t look like they understood the cliques they were given, and Fern gently explains that the young uns inspire the fashion industry and they’re very fashion forward, these kids today!! Glad the fashion industry of 2009 is so different! Finally, youth is important in fashion! Next hopefully they’ll corner television and film.
Reco is giving the judges a look like “I dare you to call my name!” They don’t. MexiJay’s all sad when his poor little leg hair striped model comes out in her fancy jersey all slumped over like she just lost a game of Whoever Catches the Tab Gets to Drink It in the greenroom.

OK I had to rewind for something and got this shot. WTH is going on here?

Ooooh shit! You know Haven’s gonna bring that up the second she’s alone in the bathroom with Kenley.

Fabric Cancer Angel is in the bottom two with MexiJay. I have to take a sec to apologize for almost standing up for this one earlier. That outfit is way worse than it looked. Uneven Capri Pants/tights? WHY? WHYYYYYYY? Eyesack is disappointed and downright flabbergasted. At least I think that’s what he’s going for.

That shit’s so bad it blew his hair back.

Not B reads an audience member’s nasty review of Fabric Cancer’s work. “This designer, knows NOTHING. About hip hop style.And….I have to agree.” Oooooh. A designer that doesn’t know how to design hip hop? OH NO! How will hip hop fashion survive? Come on. Diss her for having shitty work, period. You don’t choose hip hop. Hip hop chooses you. Not B doesn’t stop there. She takes Fabric Cancer’s lack of hip hop cultural knowledge as a personal affront. You see, Not B is hip hop, ok? She may not B Beyonce, but she’s definitely also a quarter part Not Tina Turner or Not Mary J. Why, this lack of respect to hip hop is insulting. Um….WHO ARE YOU?

You bout to get toasted, white bread.

MexiJay and Wilma are pleased with the plight of hip hop.

Do you smell butt?
Nope. Nope everything smells normal.

Stupidly, Fabric cancer tries to backpedal. She is just some girl from the Midwest and has never met a B Girl. Not B gives her a dirty look. Fabric keeps on babbling on about having too much white in her, and Not B educates her on what a B Girl is. She listens to hip hop, she needs pants that she can move in,…that’s it. Wow. That’s quite a movement, those B Girls. Well said. Fabric’s like “huh? Wha? Hip wha?” Not B keeps on with how offended she is, and Fabric Cancer keeps on with her “huh? Der!”s. EyeSack says that they get MTV in India so they definitely had in in Indiana. Snapple. And true. Fabric thinks the uneven black pants are edgy, but guest judge no sleep says the model looks like a secretary with an itch. Dang. They really went after Cancer Angel.
They are no kinder to MexiJay. Ninety percent of the audience wouldn’t buy his weird sports thing and they had lots of nasty things to say about it, the worst being “No. No no no no no.” MexiJay doesn’t apologize, and says that he’s designing for that special ten percent who had something nice to say. No one said that there were nice things said, but his positive attitude is cute. Eyesack’s like WHUHUH? Who the hell doesn’t want to capture a giant share of the market?

Yabba dabba doodoo.

Reco, Haven and Kenley all roll their eyes real big while MexiJay talks. Because they’re super classy. Fern goes off about his work, but honestly what’s the point? It’s a fug mess. The end. This show should only be ten minutes long. The judges go off to talk in private, and basically MexiJay sucks but Fabric Cancer sucks and she’s boring. Gee, who’s going? F this. Let’s get back to the stage, where the drama inside Reco is starting to bubble and fester.
MexiJay knows he could very well go home, so he’s telling everyone that he doesn’t care and will be going home to an investor so whatevs. LOL. I am so sure. It may be a severe recession, but there’s someone dying to bring hammer pants to the masses. Thank you, mystery investor!! Who needs healthcare? GET ME HAMMER PANTS. Reco’s all offended, you see, cuz he takes this show VERY seriously and knows lots of queens who would give their right nut to be in his holey, smelly shoes. He gets up and flits off to get some air, saying “we got folks playing in my profession up here.” I don’t know what that means, but he has a pink t-shirt lining his blue t-shirt, so I know he’s very, very serious.
MexiJay takes the time Reco’s off hissing like a tea pot to tell Haven that he’s mad cuz Haven’s up there and he’s not. Haven, being a total moron, falls for it and gets super pissed. And she’s wearing Linda Evans today, so you know she’s dying for a smack down with Joan. Otherwise what’s the point? When Reco comes back lobbing gaynger everywhere, Haven confronts him. He tells her congrats in a super defensive way, and she says he sounds defensive so she doesn’t accept it. Then Kenley whispers to Haven something about there not being any sides, and Reco snaps and says he’s mad at Jay for not caring. Kenley applauds and says she likes his one man show, and he says that it’s only gonna be him and Kenley at the end anyway so just shut up for now and they’ll fight each other then. That was the sweetest thing he’s ever said to her. She doesn’t argue with him. Now he’s officially dissed everyone in the room. Well done!
So back to the important stuff. Well, that’s stretching it I know. What’s worse? Crazy suckage or boring suckage? Boring suckage! Fabric Cancer’s out!! That’s plain wrong, but she wasn’t good enough to warrant a defense paragraph, so let’s just let it go. Let’s face it. There were like one or two decent showings today, and they were pretty weak. Cancer Angel thanks the judges and cries to us, saying she’s gonna miss James Pole but not Kenley cuz that girl’s a mean bitch. Next week, Kenley and Reco team up!! YAAAYYYY!!!

You decide who’s who.

You might have been asking yourself just how Reco gets that tiny thin line right above his lip. No? You don’t care? Well it takes some serious ARTISTRY, people.

If I don’t look like like I binged on hair pie all weekend, I haven’t done my job.

Reco isn’t only a master of cheese ghetto pimp facial hair from the early 70’s, he’s also a master of, that’s right, the English language. “Lass week, Lidia shoulda went home. Her craftsmanship was the absolute foo!” Dearest Bravo, please get rid of Not Beyonce and get some Reco on Film judging action. Love, Flipit.

Dem shoes was huh whaaaa, bitch! You hangin on here by a threads!

After rolling his head and saying “hated it!” a lot and doing round the world snaps, he finally gets to the real meat of his bitterness. Underoo was the only decent meat around, and now he’s gone. I agree. Let’s all take a moment to remember Underoo.

Time for the mini-challenge. Laura Brown zips in the work room like she’s very very busy and doesn’t really have time for this bs. Every shot of her is a wide crazy/evil ice eyed, hair blowing with movement action shot.

VERY busy, k?

I think Isaac is getting tired of this show. Or just tired. His eye bags are no longer concealable. Poor eye sacks.

EyeSack scrunches his face and looks all thoughtful and stutters his line out. OMG you guys he’s totally coming up with this tripe off the cuff. What a talent. He tells the designers that being great sometimes means being like a secret agent. WTF?

Octomangina

If being a designer is like being a secret agent, then could someone please go deep undercover and find out what the hell EyeSack is doing wearing a Milli Vanilli jacket from the eighties with a random flap hanging off it? And also what happened to that disappearing plane. Thanks.
He shows off a fug ass dress that he rolled out of bed and pinned together for his fall collection, and no one reacts so he says “I love it!” Still, no one reacts. Perk up people, or Not Beyonce’s gonna have to not sing not one of her singles. I at least expected the Yarn lady to say something.

He stole my pleating detail!

The dress is a drug addict’s dream, so of course that little weirdo James Pole from Londony London thinks it’s amazing. He loves pleating, you see. Angles. He has studied an ancient form of pleating. Wow. Cave men invented the wheel, and they also paved the road for Dockers.

So not thinning. Thanks a lot cavemen! Jerks.

James Pole is less excited when he finds out that instead of showing off his ancient pleating detail, he will just have to sketch a dress from memory. I am disappointed too. I was really psyched to see the original Dockers.
All the designers study EyeSack’s dress. The cummerbund belted vertically, the extra fabric pinned to the shoulder, the Stevie Nicks crazy ass just did a roadie and ate a pizza hem…BUT WAIT! Not Beyonce takes the dress form away and EyeSack shocks us all. It’s not his piece of fug they’ll be sketching! That was just a quick product placement bit to remind us that he is a professional and not just some crazy queen off the street trying to make Tim Gunn face. They will have to sketch Not Beyonce’s dress! And she left! And no one pays any attention to her cuz she’s dull as dishwater! If I was there I would sketch Beyonce in one of her giant hipped mermaid ensembles and call it a day.
I had to rewind to see what Not B was wearing, which is sad. For my brain cells, and for dull ass Not B. I could tell you what EyeSack’s wearing. I could tell you what Haaarpers Bazaaaar is wearing. Can’t explain the meaning of it, but I could sketch it.

No one seems to remember what the hell Not B was wearing, or even her being there. There’s a murmur of excitement, like Beyonce’s not here? YAY! WHERE? Haven claims to remember, but Haven claims a lot of bs. Mexican Jay thinks he remembers the belt, and Keith, our Disappointed Midwestern Mom, says he only remembers her hair. “I liked it! It was straight!” It’s always straight, but it’s nice that someone noticed. Better late than never.

If only you did your hair like that every day you might find a nice man with a job to take you in and talk you into going to college. SO DISAPPOINTED!!

Kenley has already found someone to blame for her suckage, and she hasn’t even sucked yet. Typical. She says James Pole’s head was blocking Not B the entire time. Yeah well your face is blocking my enjoyment of this show, skank. Life sucks.

One of these will be cut out and used as the paper doll that will cohost next next season.

EyeSack is mortified that Disappointed Midwestern Mom made a peacock green dress. LOL. Come on, people, she looked like an updated Betty Rubble. How hard can that be? Reco says “dude, is you colah bline? Seesly!”

I gave up my life for you kids. FOR WHAT?!?

Not B comes back in and everyone groans like they paid a hundred bucks for a Broadway show and the announcer introduced the understudy. Poor Not B. MexiJay, Wednesday Addams, and Kenley are the top three sketches. MexiJay got the belt perfect. In unrelated news, he makes me cry inside every time he comes on screen. Someone needs to get this guy a loofa and some bleach. And most likely a z pack. The rest of his sketch was wrong. EyeSack is amazed at his belt memory, and calls him the idiot savant of belts. LOL. MexiJay doesn’t know what that means, so he just smiles and projects stank on everyone.

I’m not gonna lie. I need a beer.

Kenley did ok on the top, but the bottom was too full. She takes the criticism really well.

Boy George does NOT like to be questioned, k?

Wednesday did a commendable job, but the winner is…Kenley!! Her attitude disappears.

Yikes. Way cuter angry.

That dress form has nice arms.

Kenley totally agrees with her win, and says that when she saw everyone else’s sketches, she knew she was the best. That’s why she preemptively came up with an excuse to blame James Pole. Man, no matter what the show or what the season, Kenley is just a plain ole asshole.

Kenley gets a special prize for winning this challenge. Immunity? No! A Ford Focus? Yeah right. Even that’s not a cheap enough prize for this show. She will get to choose anyone she wants to be in the bottom three during eliminations. That kind of power is only fun when a egotistical narcissist wields it, so it’s kind of a win for all of us. YAY!
Merlin is already huffing and puffing and lisping and sweating, cuz he knows his loose ass is sure to be on that block. As he so eloquently puts it, “thad gonna be me, and thad gonna be me.” Now let’s take a journey to NY Model Management, otherwise known as The Bag Of Bones Factory.

Stop animal testing! Use these skanks!

EyeSack tells the designers that this is a very busy, very in demand company and it’s where the show gets all the models. You can’t just get twenty year olds with knock knees and osteoporosis anywhere, you know.
To prove his point, EyeSack gives us a shot of the secretary pool. Yes, very very busy. Even though noone’s computer seems to be on.

I wonder if these are gonna be the models…NAH!

Eye Sack tells us that this show is all about making wearable clothes for real women.

Real working women. With no taste.

Why, what ever do you mean by real women, EyeSack? Instead of just saying the word “fat”, he brings up Donna Karan’s designs. According to him, her clothes “hug a woman and actually enhance and hide the imperfections.” Huh? Why enhance what you’re hiding? Nonsensical explanations aside, we all understand his body language.

Fat bitches. Questions?

By the way, why is the lighting on this show so unflattering? You can’t even see poor Not B most of the time.

That could be Rudy from The Cosby Show, for all we know.

Wait a second!! When Not B announces the “real women”, they are the secretary pool! WIZHUUUHH? I didn’t see that one coming! And they’re not even fat. LAME. If you’re gonna rip off Project Runway, do it right!!

These women are not real. They are just hungry secretaries/extras. BOOOOO.

The designers freak out anyway, because they’ve seen PR and know that’s what’s expected of them. MexiJay says he’s so worried cuz “I don’t work with real people.” LOL. Just loan them one of your evening wear bathrobes and that bowler hat and you’ll be fine, PigPen. James Pole also freaks, and says this will be the death of him. Like you can’t put a fucking rectangle on a real person. He says these women are “very normal” and he doesn’t do normal. “I’ve shunned it in my life.” You’ve also shunned drinking water and nightly face scrubs and you ended up with Chinese Chicken Salad Pizza face. Maybe it’s time to change your ways, ass.

I’m sure Wolfgang Puck is very proud to have his famous pizza shown off on national TV, but maybe you should watch who you’re dissing, little man.

He doesn’t stop there. When he gets his model, he tells us what a typical American she is, in other words he basically says that she’s a fug fat bitch and “it’s like asking Jesus Christ to like work with Satan.” WOW. I hope his real woman gets a whiff of his nasty attitude, cuz bitch can break his bony pockmarked ass in two with her fingers.

Disappointed Midwestern Mom is psyched with his cute model, cuz his dream is to make Moms across America take pride in their looks instead of being slaves to their bratty ungrateful children. They have a budget of two hundred smacks, and are sent off to plan with their models. Merlin wastes no time confusing his.

What are my options?

First off, his model is freaking adorable. Look at her! She says that her biggest problem is that her boobs went from b’s to double d’s. LOL. That’s your problem? More than half of American women would love to suffer from that tragedy. She also complains that her hips are getting lower, but whatevs. She’s gorge and already knows how to dress herself just fine. Merlin says that this is gonna be really hard and he’s gonna have to pull out some serious magic for this one. PUHLEEZE. You put a bag of bones in a fucking Indian Reservation Casino Gift Shop muumuu last week. Get over yourself. The magic is your getting on TV in the first place.
Kenley gets a woman in her late thirties. The woman already has cute hair, good makeup, and obviously works out to keep a cute figure. HOW DIFFICULT! SHE’S older! She kinda looks like a retired Paige Davis from Trading Spaces.

But less annoying.

All she asks is that Kenley makes something comfortable. This throws Ken for a loop. She tells us her real woman is “not inspiring me” and finds her personality uninspiring too. Meanwhile, Kenley is in a Punky Brewster beret with a gold curtain hanging around her neck for no reason. Actually, there is a reason. Because she’s ARTISTIC. This idiot inspires me. TO HATE.
Haven’s model is a feisty black girl who says she loves her body and her favorite part of it is her big ass. LOL. OK I love this girl. As she talks about how much pride she has in her rockin bod, Haven looks her up and down disgustedly.

I look goooood, right? Can I get a what what?


What? What? How am I gonna work shoulder pads into this outfit?

The girl loves her big ass, but Haven sees it as her biggest problem. She vows to work with it anyway. How generous of you. James Pole’s Amazon Mariah Carey model says that her biggest problem is that she has broad shoulders. So what does he do? He sketches a tuxedo jacket with shoulder pads. What a fucking idiot. Disappointed Midwestern Mom is the sweetest of the bunch, telling his model that his job is a cinch cuz she’s perfect. And she really is. These real women all have pretty rockin bods.
When the models leave, Kenley and Haven let the fur fly. They bitch about how hard it is to work with such giant asses. Coming from such average looking, stupid, personality free hacks, this is pretty rich. UGH. Their ugliness is through and through. Kenley kinda freaks when she sees that Reco is already onto cutting his pattern while she’s trying to make a big fake dress form ass. It’s a beautiful thing when she starts sobbing.

LOL

Angel, our favorite Fabric Cancer causing designer, tells us that poor Kenley is fresh out of school and doesn’t understand that a talented designer should be able to create something flattering and beautiful for any body shape. That was the sweetest slap down I have ever seen on reality TV. Go, Fabric Cancer!
The next morning, Kenley makes herself feel better by spying on Merlin and making an evil plan to put him in the bottom three. Shocker. EyeSack and Not B come around to say nothing helpful. When they get to Merlin, EyeSack makes fun of his accent cuz he can’t understand him, and then he makes fun of him for using sequins for daywear in the first challenge and now using tweed for evening wear in this one. Merlin is laughing the whole time, until he understands that EyeSack is ragging on him pretty nastily. His smile drops. HAHA.

International sign for asshole.


Wayd a meenoot!

Kenley immediately starts complaining about her model, and EyeSack tells her to grow up and realize that in the real world her model is the average size. He calls her size-ist. THANK YOU. Kenley gets offended and claims he’s pegging her wrong, but he’s not buyin it. To prove she’s no bigot, she tells us that her model doesn’t just have a little fat, she’s “big all around.” Oh, ok. Much better. Especially when she’s NOT FAT AT ALL. In private time, Not B and EyeSack don’t get Merlin or Kenley, and they aren’t sure Disappointed Midwestern Mom can pull through on this one. I think they say that every single time.
Reco comes over to MexiJay and says it looks like he’s designing for a tranny’s body. Only problem is, no tranny would be caught dead in that horrible fucking outfit. Wow. That’s really really bad. Even for MexiJay.

Only MexiJay could make a dress form look like it hasn’t bathed in a month.

The models come in for fittings, and they aren’t used to having to fake excitement for really bad designers. Midwestern Mom’s model just goes “okaaaay…”LOLOLLL. Reco, our little Men on Film truth teller, says “Adios! I’ll holla atcha at the reunion show!” HA.

You are gonna be the prettiest Indian bride EVAH!

Fabric Cancer is also in a pickle, but unlike Disappointed Midwestern Mom, she knows it, calls a Mulligan, and starts all over.

Good move.

I’m surprised she didn’t go with a shirt dress dyed with cancer attracting dye, but she might just do that after all. She can’t lose this one! She used to work for Donna Karan!
The next morning, James Pole flat irons his greasy hair while Merlin irons his black outfit, “cuz ees funeral day!”

Secret Agent Tran

The designers arrive at the show and get to work. Kenley says she’s not sure about her work, but she hopes her oompa loompa shows up with a smile on her face no matter what. How can she not with such a sweet partner? Ooh look! The stars are arriving!

And they say royalty is dead. It’s limping, botoxed and pathetic, but it’s still living. Thanks, Bravo!

Glad to see someone from The Bad Girls Club back on TV.

Disappointed Midwestern Mom isn’t getting any luckier the closer showtime gets. His fit is wrong and he’s freaking out and generally disappointed. Merlin can’t squeeze his girl into the skirt, and Fabric Cancer has an unfinished hem. Once again, 80 percent of these fools are gonna bone it. YAY! Showtime!!
Disappointed Midwestern Mom’s look is out first. His real woman can’t walk in her heels, and predictably, it’s bad. But not as bad as we were led to believe. The boobs look mushy and squashed, but he’s done waaaay worse than this. And his model looks gorge.

As the designers watch from the greenroom, Reco looks around like “EW!!”

Fern doesn’t think it accentuates anything positive, unlike the fungus tent she’s wearing. MexiJay is next. To minimize his model’s figure, he has made a slanted skinny girl shape out of a Glade label and pasted it on top of a tight black dress. Fugly and frankly offensive. Let’s just pretend you don’t exist and you can wear a skinny person. Coming from a fat guy, this is just plain wrong. And really, really fucking ugly.

There’s a pink zipper up the side that’s ragged and poorly attached. EyeSack says it looks like The Real Housewives of Naomi Campbell. Huh? What does that even mean? The other judges laugh anyway, cuz he’s gay and bitchy so it must be funny.
Our yarn loving cat lady, Ana, is next. Her dress should be cute. She chose a flattering shape and good colors, but it bunches up all over the place and doesn’t fit right, and the cut of the sleeves does her model no favors. She looked better in her office clothes.

The more shots we get, though, the worse this looks. There’s a bizarre striped pouch on the front to accentuate her girl pooch. WHY GOD?

Show off that baby maker.

Just in case you don’t get how hideous that thing is, let me show you again.

Kenley has doubled her model’s size. The poor girl had a great figure in her office clothes, but now looks stocky and extremely hippy. The jacket and collar are cute, and so is the skirt. Just not flattering. It looks finished and well executed, though, which puts her in the lead so far. Dammit.

She’s not a supermodel, so douse her in black. If you’re not a size zero you have no right to wear color. Or Live.

The dress can be undone in the middle to make it even more unflattering.

You can look fat or fatter. Thanks, Kenley!

Haven pulled out her best work yet. She flatters her model’s body and made a pretty sweet belt and neckpiece. I didn’t know you had it in you, girl! Still think you’re a total shithead, but I appreciate the lack of shoulder pads.

A lot of her pleats are wrong and dimply, but overall she did a great job. EyeSack likes that she didn’t force a girl with big hips into black. THANK YOU. James Pole is next, and it’s really great to see that he completely fucked this challenge up. That’s what you get, jerk off! Colors? Wrong. Fit? Not even close. Collar? Not even trying to be even. Just. WRONG. I feel for his model, though, cuz she seems very nice and this can’t help her self esteem.

Someone attacked the Amazon in the copy room.

He tells us that he doesn’t believe someone’s movement should be an entity. WHAT? This is the biggest bunch of morons ever assembled. He thinks he lost his voice in this challenge. LOL that’s a cute way to put it. You’ve still got your voice, and it’s still way off key. Go back to London already and learn the accent so you can use it for more than every other word, poseur.
Wednesday Addams did some kind of office suit skirt dress with attached blouse thing, and it looks pretty cute. The hips are a bit bunchy, which I don’t get, but last week giant hips won Reco the challenge so what do I know? It looks great on the model, and the pink satin back is really perty. Way to make a comeback, Wednesday!

Fern loves it, and so do I. And now for Merlin. The tweed jacket is kinda hack and five years ago, but it’s well done and looks great on the model. The skirt? WOW.

NOT. OK.

Merlin’s personality is one of the things that makes me stick with this show, but man. He needs to get sent home over that skirt. That’s just mean. Fabric Cancer went back to her her normal style for her second go round, and she kicked ass considering she got it done in five hours. It’s kinda an unfinished mess, but it still looks better than most everything else that’s come down the runway. Not that that’s saying much. Atta girl!

Reco did a denim seventies high waisted skirt thing with a hick jacket and a ruffled red shirt. It’s well made, and his model is adorable. I kinda wanna see the look burned, but I can see how someone would buy that. On a Sunday family trip at JC Penny.

The jacket comes off, and the entire outfit improves. Reco only knows how to make shit look good when it’s being stripped off. Old habits are hard to break.

He cheers for himself loudly. LOL. The audience chimes in. Midwestern Mom gets an F, and the countess chick says something but I can’t hear her cuz all I can think is countess of what? Of where? WTF? Does the queen know about this bitch?
Some chick named Rebecca Weinberg is the guest judge, and she “dressed the girls of Sex and the City.” Yeah, who didn’t? That cast would have worn anything. Weinberg is very serious about fashion.

See?

EyeSack asks the designers if they even understood the challenge cuz it didn’t look like it. HAHA. The two that got the most votes were Kenley and Reco! Again. I kinda feel for Haven, cuz I thought she had a shot. Reco’s model loves her outfit and says she can wear it anywhere. Fern loves the ruffles and the detailed paneling. It looks way better close up. You can’t even see Kenley’s work in closeup, cuz the girl is against a black background. They all love her work, and think both of them flattered their models. Kenley wins!!! ARGHGHGHG. Ah well, at least this will make Reco bitchier. There’s a sunny side to every situation, mkay? Kenley tells us how confident she is. Riiiiight. If you weren’t an emotional wreck, you wouldn’t be here.
The other designers are called back on stage for Kenley to choose her pick for bottom three. She shocks everyone and chooses Fabric Cancer! SLAM!! Sure, she hates Merlin, but at the end of the day he’s no competition. Idiot. Fabric Cancer isn’t getting kicked off for that outfit. Kenley says the outfit is badly executed and thinks it’s unflattering to her problem areas. Ass. Hole. The judges chose Midwestern Mom and Merlin as their bottoms. How the hell did James Pole escape the bottom? HE WAS THE WORST BY FAR!!
The judges are mortified that Fabric Cancer let a dress with pins walk down the runway. EyeSack says she does look longer waisted, but now she has big hips. LOL. Midwestern Mom stands by his design, but EyeSack says it’s hack and plain. Fern says it’s baggy and ill fitting. Not B asks the model if she thinks she could buy it at a prom dress store, but she refuses to throw Mom under the bus cuz she likes her cookies and emotional support. Merlin is told no one would buy his look, and the model is mortified when Weinberg calls out her giant pooch. EyeSack doesn’t understand why he would make a jacket that accentuates boobs when the model wants smaller boobs. Merlin says what he does come from da hart so ees me like me!! MMMM….

I’m gonna kill that mother f er.

In private time, Not B says that Merlin just left his personality out, but they all agree that he’s worth keeping. Disappointed Midwestern Mom was most disappointing to Fern, and no one argues with her. Fabric Cancer blew, but it could have been good and she’s got talent. Sure enough, Disappointed Midwestern Mom is OUT!! Merlin cries, but I think it’s more for himself. EyeSack tells Fabric Cancer to do some soul searching. LOL.
Disappointed Mom thinks that Fabric Cancer was way worse than him and it’s sad to see him end on sour grapes. How disappointing! Next week, the fights begin and Merlin breaks down!! YAAAYYYY!!!

Nope. Still not Tim Gunn. Keep workin, though!

Merlin has decided to start the morning by butching it up a bit. No tiaras or catsuits today! Just a simple black sweat band and a backwards sports bra.

De boobies on my bake need suppore.

The very next shot is Underoo concentrating very hard on… underwear. LOL. This show? Is hilarious.

One day, I will bring the perfect wiener fit to all of the world.

Underoo ignores that whole not designing his own winning outfit thing from last week and smiles slyly, telling us that everyone underestimates him cuz he designs underwear, “but we’ll see who ends up on top.” I would venture to say that there isn’t one single top in this entire cast. It will be interesting to see who wins, though, if only because that will mean this wreck made it through an entire season. Time for the mini-challenge. I think Disappointed Midwestern Mom loves Laura Brown, cuz I haven’t seen a smile like this on his face since episode one.

I put the kids in Summer camp, drew a bubble bath, and speed read “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I’M A NEW WOMAN!

Isaac tells them they are gonna have to step out of their comfort zone. I hope this means he will be forcing them to watch football or maybe look at vaginas or something. Donde esta Not Beyonce? Maybe she had to go on not tour or something. Isaac pulls a sheet off the table and it’s a pile of shoes! Haven squeals and giggles like an idiot. Because she’s such a giiiiirl! And girls love shoooooes! Haven reminds me of one of those sad women who put on their finest Laura Ashley flower print dresses and plastic high heels from the Ross rack to go to the opening of Sex and the City with her girlfriends and drink cranberry juice in plastic martini glasses. And yes, I was one of those sad women. Moving on.
Audio montage of the designers each saying how much they love shoes. Conspicuously absent from that clip was Reco on Flim, and when Isaac announces the designer who did all the shoes on the table, Reco looks shocked silent. He’s not used to womens shoes that aren’t see through with ten inch stilletos. The designer lady owns Olsen House Shoes. No, I’m sorry. Olsen House Vegan Shoes. OH PUHLEEZE!! Who eats shoes? Fuck you, Olsen! I’M OVER all this hippie dippie green bs. YAY raise my gas tax and my energy bills cuz my po ass life doesn’t suck enough yet! Did you know France is gonna stop serving lamb cuz lamb burps are bad for the environment?!? The world has gone f ing mad and this needs to stop. Before I lose my shit all over this recap, let’s just change the subject. Here’s something. Why is that vegans are always fat?

I call closet meat eater! Those chins didn’t get there by eating bean curd.

Vegan house only uses “non animal sustainable more eco friendly materials”. They’re most likely still made by ten year old Chinese peasants in sweat shops for ten cents a day, but as long as the cows don’t get hurt feelings. Not surprisingly, the shoes are cheap looking and fugly. Olsen should be skinned and turned into a double chinned beanbag chair for subjecting women to these travesties.

The challenge is to make shoes Olsen would make, but not as ugly. “There are eco friendly materials under your tables!!”, Olsen chirps before sneaking into the greenroom to steal handfuls of beef jerky off the crafts services table. As I force my eyes to unroll from the back of my head, I think I catch Mexican Jay wearing leggings. Rewind. Wow. A bowler hat, nurse scrubs and leggings might be hideous on their own, but together they’re…nope they’re still just hideous.

Three wrongs make a really really really wrong.

The outfit may be good luck, though, cuz it seems like the producers are trying to hand him this one. Can’t sew? Here’s a bottle of glue. Go!

Reco tells us about his plans to make a simple short boot. Really? You’re gonna make a simple short boot out of the simple short boot you were given? That’s ground breaking. One thing I really like about Reco is that he isn’t being bitchy or negative right now, yet he still wears this face.

Disappointed Midwestern Mom wants to do something floral cuz the challenge is to be organic. LOL on the nose. He’s cutting out felt petals and gluing them to the inside of the boot. Don’t be so literal! Olsen isn’t! She is a vegan and you know her ass hasn’t touched a vegetable in at least a decade.
MexiJay is confused by his glue bottle and doesn’t think it will dry fast enough for the challenge. Haven says “in your situation I think it would be better to glue than to sew.” HAHAH. Unfortunately, he’s not much better at gluing.

DO NOT SWALLOW? Hey! This glue’s judging me!

He wants to make a wedge shoe, but since he doesn’t have any wooden blocks to shape, he’s gluing fabric to the heel to create the illusion of a wedge. Head slap.

Kenley tries to cut part of the shoe off to make a pump, but keeps breaking the razor off in the shoe. She tells us she’s messing it up and I can’t tell if she’s laughing or crying, which is very Kenley of her. Merlin is wrapping bows all over his shoes and giggling “dat’s Meerleen!” and shrugging cutely at the camera while the Asian UV ray dye-ist, Fabric cancer, worries that his shitty design will bring down the team. Meanwhile, Reco sits there bored, finished way before everyone else. He might want to work on those a bit more. They look like those giant hanging things in drive through car washes.

MochaSins

Underoos is working next to Reco, and he seems to be copying his work, cuz now he is also adding black fringe to his pair. LOL. Reco doesn’t say anything, he just takes his shoes over to Kenley, cuz there’s a pretty good chance she’ll open her big mouth about it in front of Isaac. Time’s up! Team Wednesday Addams is first to be judged. Fabric cancer just painted her shoes blue and added some leaf bows, while James Pole just added some gold scrunchies to his.

Olsen likes Wednesday’s gold shoes, even though they are raggedly cut and have paint smudges all over the place and look generally misguided and fug. Merlin’s shoes are also jagged and painted outside the lines, but i like all the ribbons, and think that pair will look great with his catsuit.

Olsen doesn’t like the bows. But I’ll bet she likes hamburgers. Closet case. Reco’s team is next. And it’s a total shock to find that Rere loves San Francisco.

Next you’re gonna tell me you listen to show tunes and can swallow a whole pickle.

Olsen likes MexiJay’s wedge, and doesn’t even mention that he’s made his shoes look like fat girls.

Maybe layering will help me look anorexic. No? More layers!

Haven’s boots look like they have wrapping paper glued to them and Rolo wrappers stuck on the fronts.

Olsen doesn’t like Reco’s Halloween colors. Teehee. Next team. Olsen likes Disappointed Mom’s hideous felt Bible School art project shoes, which kills any credibility she had with me. Which was none, but still.

I’ll bet Disappointed Mom has an amazing felt Last Supper mural in her entry way.

Olsen likes that Kenley used two different colors on her shoes and made elastic straps. She doesn’t mention the awkward purple bows glued on the front of the shoes, but at this point I think she’s trying to get through it. There hasn’t been a cute pair yet. Yarn is told that her work looks designer made, but they’re just painted hot pink with felt pedals clued to them, a la Disappointed Mom. Underoo is told his fringe shoes have been done and don’t need to be done any more. Reco raises an eyebrow like he just won something. She just called you both hacks, dumdum.

Maybe they were ugly, but they were MY ugly!

Reco does, however, have the best team, and MexiJay wins!! Of course the fat girl likes the baggy shoes. Stop hiding your jelly, Olsen! These are some of the ugliest shoes I’ve seen in a long time, and that they won first prize says a lot about this season. On a positive note, no animals died in the making of this poo. Plastic did though. And the eighties. Again.

PS These were properly made for this shot cuz this bs is gonna be sold on the website. The wedge didn’t look anywhere near finished like that.

Isaac tells them all to meet him at the corner of 57th and 5th for instructions on their next elimination challenge. I haven’t been to NYC since I moved away six years ago, but I remember that 57th and 5th is close enough to the park to walk a few blocks to the churro stand. I think the best thing for everyone involved would be to sit around in a big circle eating churros, discussing how not to suck so hard on national TV. Take your time, cast. We’ll wait. Unfortunately, they are all taken to Bergdorf Goodman. Fabric Cancer describes the store as “a floating palace of luxury.” I describe it as “the place old rich ladies who refuse to accept the march of Father Time go to buy the outfit they saw the Cyrus bimbo wear in Page Six for nineteen thousand dollars.”

Pin some hanging overly tanned seventy year old skin, some sun spots, and some clinging desperation to this model and you’ll get an accurate portrayal.

They arrive in the shoe department and are slammed with the reality of what good shoes look like. I’m sure if that Olsen heifer was here she’d cry and call it a slaughterhouse. But if Bessie the cow was here, she’d say death was worth it to bring rich old ladies good leather. Then she’d ask to borrow Olsen’s skirt for the weekend.
Haven does a soprano angel getting run over sound and says she’s in Heaven. I haven’t seen anything about Haven in the past few weeks to indicate that she has an iota of the taste required to properly shop here. She probably makes the same sound every time she walks into Payless. Disappointed Midwestern Mom admits to us that he’s been there many times himself, unaccompanied by a woman. I’ll wait for everyone to get past the shock.

If I wasn’t such a good mom I’d make the kids work to save for their own college, come here to buy just one pair of Princess shoes and get out of these flip flops for a day! Dammit why do those kids have to be so disapoooointing?!?!

Not Beyonce is back on the scene, and she’s wearing a zippered sweater utility belt or some shit. I think it’s her weight lifting belt. Dang, look at those arms! Suck it, Michelle Obama! A letter of support to Not Beyonce: Less time doing push ups and more time with the phonics tapes, k?

Isaac tells the designers that every woman has bought a fabulous pair of expensive shoes without knowing what to wear with them, and NotB waves and says “Hellooo! My name is Guilty!” No it’s not. I have no idea what it is, but it’s not Guilty.
They will have to pick a pair of shoes and design around them, but not just any pair. They can only choose from tables with the Fashion Show plaque on them. In other words, they are given last seasons cheap ass never worked never gonna pairs. What’d you expect? Bergdorf Goodman’s not just gonna give these cheap bastards free reign. They probably don’t even know anyone’s shooting there. I have a feeling it’s five in the morning and Isaac broke in through the loading dock. Reco screams, which means he must have just found the ho-iest pair of shoes in the store. Sure enough…

When these are thrown in the ocean, dolphins are gonna get stuck in the holes and suffocate. Olsen is at home sobbing right now.

James Pole goes to a blank spot on the shelf with a Fashion Show plaque and asks “what was here?” Fabric Cancer kindly avoids patting him on the head when she explains “they were taken.” Poor James Pole. He’s as dumb as they make em. Haven found a red pair of shoes with fringe on them. I told you this shit was last season. Didn’t Olsen just tell us that fringe is done and dead? Merlin picks the exact shoes you’d think he would, and I expect him to just body paint his model and glue gun plastic jewels all over her private parts.

Fabric cancer didn’t pick a pair in time, so Isaac kindly chose a pair of red white and blue pumps for her. Yikes. I’m all for national pride, but these don’t give me any.

Fabric Cancer’s reaction is priceless.

Isaac announces that from here on out, they will be competing as individuals. Reco is so excited that he unhinges his jaw and swallows NotB whole.

Tastes like not chicken.

Isaac and Not B struggle to be cute and charming as a pair for a bit, and it’s more uncomfortable than the shoes about to be worked with. Finally, we’re put out of our misery and the designers are sent to the fabric room. Reco’s “on this futuristic type thang”. And you were worried there weren’t gonna be strippers in the future. Hey, college ain’t gonna get any cheaper. He’s gonna do a ribbon dress in “all these crazy patterns”. I’m thinking whiny Stella’s seatbelt dress from last season’s Project Runway. That worked out well. He wants to do something in an hourglass figure. Only problem is his model is that Make Me a Supermodel anorexic chick, who’s more like a thermometer. Even Reco’s sketch models look like strippers. Granted, Boris and Natasha strippers, but strippers all the same.

We weel get that bool. Then we weel gate nakkid.

Also stretching is Fabric Cancer. She can’t make up her mind what to do with her red white and blue shoes (shocker), but then she comes up with a brilliant idea that she’s never had before. Well, before she made her portfolio of shirt dresses and muumuus dyed with cancer attracting UV dye. That’s right! She’s gonna make a shirt dress!! WOWEEE!!

This one’s gonna be totally different though, you guys. It’s gonna look really, really unhealthy after it goes out in the sun.

It’s an eco friendly show, so I’m glad to see Reco queening it up in the fabric room with fur on his head. Poor Olsen is home crying and bingeing on raw hot dogs right now. How animal friendly you feelin’ this hour, Olsen?

Shoot it!

Back in the workroom, Kenley begins by leaning around, talking smack about “some people” who we’re gonna see a “big change” in now that she’s not there to lend her brilliant ideas to “them“. Hmmm. I wonder who she’s talking about. Yarn looks really happy that Kenley has decided to be her friend.

The one day I decide to put on makeup and comb my hair and now I have to deal with this bitch. Back to cat ladyville the second I get home.

Underoo dosen’t care what stupid Kenley says behind his back. There are still nine others he can crib ideas off of. Everyone’s work is still in the birthing stage, so he decides to steal something from two weeks ago. And it’s Yarn’s pleated skirt! LOL. How did Kenley know to bitch to Yarn? That girl’s like a bitchy gossip psychic.

Past

Present

To be fair, he’s only done the waistline, and we don’t know where it’s going yet. Also, Yarn didn’t invent the pleat. Still, it’s fishy, and one thing a cat lady can smell is fish. Not subtly at all, she walks by his dress form all hunched over and marks it.

Cat pee? No I don’t smell it. Where?

Now it’s time for one of the designers to ask the age old question:

Why, he’s making little blue satin vaginas for his dress, of course.

Not B and Isaac come in to check on progress with scrunchy faces but not say anything helpful or useful or the least bit entertaining. I’m guessing. They start with Kenley, who picked the best shoes so far. Damn those shoes are fine. Probably not very comfortable, but that’s the point of good shoes, right?

Isaac notices some silvery sequin things in her sketch, and she says she’s just experimenting. He answers with this look frozen on his face through her entire session. I think he’s trying to work a little Tim Gun magic here, and it’s really hilarious.

Tim’s face is naturally like that. You can’t fake it. Nice popped collar though. DORK.

They like what Reco’s doing, and are confused by Underoo’s lack of color. Reco, who should be a judge cuz he’s the only one with any actual critiques, says Underoo’s work looks very “substitute school teacher”. In Florida maybe, cuz there they fuck their students often. Wednesday Addam’s has some pretty big ideas, but with four hours left she only has some tulle draped over her model. Isaac calls Merlin “Merly Sue”. LOL. They should do a remake of Curly Sue starring Merlin. He could be adopted by Diane von Fürstenberg or some shit.
Merlin claims he’s going for “light and airy” so the model “weel look like flying.” LOL. This guy kills me. The detail on the front of the fugly ass dress looks pretty heavy. I can’t wait to see this finished. Isaac calls it “vaguely Mexican”. Vaguely? That thing’s more Mexican than an enchilada.

In private hallway gossip time, Not B says she’s most excited to see Wendesday Addams’ work, but can’t remember her name. Isaac doesn’t know if the poor girl will finish, but thinks Kenley’s gonna kick ass. He’s not as sure of Reco’s work cuz can you really win a competition with a little black dress? Reco doesn’t sense any hesitation. He’s inside whooping and hollering and shouting that everyone needs to up their game to give him some competition. HEHEHEHE. Yarn tells us that she thinks people are starting to get annoyed with his attitude. Starting? They have a very high tolerance for evil bitchy shallow lispy queenery in the fashion world. If this guy worked in a Wal-Mart he would have been beaten senseless by now. Kenley tells him “confidence is the new black” and he answers “it is! You should get some!” LOL. He’s an asshole, and I hope he stays for ten more weeks.
As time runs down, we are treated to the OMG I’M NOT GONNA FINISH montage. Fabric Cancer is gluing on her buttons, MexiJay’s work looks a mess, and I don’t know wtf Wednesday Addams is thinking, but me likey.

The naked widow.

Kenley tells us that she’s extremely impressed with her own work. Reco tells her her dress is simple, and she says she’s sick of his comments. Once again, he’s getting in a nap before the show. HA. Like the fat drag queen from Project Runway! But less lovable. And talented. And sweaty. Yarn likes Wednesday’s work, but MexiJay says it looks “like something your friend makes you wear and then you burn.” Huh? He’s making a pregnant MexiProm dress, btw. And if his friends try to make him wear anything, it’s probably deodorant.

Happy Birthday! I got you this pine tree to wear around your neck.

Isaac comes back thirty minutes before the show and catches Reco napping. He doesn’t seem amused, and Reco isn’t amused at being woken up. Isaac doesn’t give him attitude, but you know the second Reco fucks up it’s gonna all be about how he’s always sleeping. I know because I’ve seen it all before. Like last season. On that other show. Time for the Fashion Show!
Disappointed Midwestern Mom is up first with his flower wedge shoes. The giant roses on the side of his skirt look like gay snail shells and his model has a flower package where her penis should be.

Flower Porn

Underoo’s next with Blahnik black and white feather shoes. The skirt is pretty hack, and the top would be pretty if it was made to fit a human being. I think I’ve seen this before. At every store that sells clothes. And it looks nothing like Yarn’s pleat work from two weeks ago. That is not meant as a compliment.

It gets worse in closeup. The fit is really bad, but I am thankful he made the skinny bitch look fat.

Blahnik is one of the guest judges, and I’m impressed with how much he can move his face. He’s got enough Bubonic Plague there to take out Europe.

Haven picked some hot pink fringe shoes that look great, in an Indian Reservation Casino cocktail waitress kinda way.

But her work? YIKES. Poor fit, bad sewing, fug colors, and a bib. The model looks like she wants to kill herself, and I don’t blame her.

Haven screams and yells about how good her model looks. Delusional! Fern’s reaction shot is pretty hilarious.

Merlin’s model looks like the quarterback of the Mexican Female Football League.

I don’t even know what to say about this wreck, so I’ll just add another pic.

This is the perfect argument for enforcing immigration laws.

Merlin says the only thing that worries him is that the color is too loud. LOL. If that’s all that’s worrying you, then good for you, fruit loop. MexiJay took fabulous shoes…

And made a giant poopie all over them.

He thinks it looks young and flirty. I think it looks like a homemade valance in a clown’s bedroom.

Yarn did pleats again. This time they’re vertical and on a scab colored blouse. She’s added tassles on the outside. Wow. This is fug. Yarn’s been doing really well so far, but she blew it today.

James Pole chose some fabulous Choos…

…and then put his model in a Units dress and invited the neighborhood kids over to toilet paper her.

I hope it doesn’t rain.

Wednesday’s girl is next, and poor thing can’t walk in her shoes. No one could, which is probably why Bergdorf’s let this show have them.

It’s a satin tight dress with tulle sewn all over the front. It’s pretty bad, but there has definitely been fuglier on the runway today. She should be fine.

Her model looks like a drugged out scoliosis patient, but that’s not her fault. Kenley is next, and says she wants to be “an influential designer that convinces people what they should be wearing.” The whole world is stupid and tasteless and Kenley is here to fix us all. Hey, love that giant sideways bow on your head. Poor model has a sweaty butt crack in this, you know she does.

On closer inspection, the front of the dress has some nice detailing. Isaac says he loves that it has nothing to do with the shoe but they go perfectly together. Then all the judges ooh and ahh and agree. When this is the top of the pack, you need to fire everyone in casting. Fabric Cancer just made a long white dress shirt and tied it in knots and shit. Still, it’s cute, and probably the most wearable out of the bunch so far.

Something’s seriously funky in the back, though. She’s added some blue/grey satin-y material and it looks all bunched up and wonky.

Reco says his model looks absolutely amazing, and she does. But only cuz her legs go up to her eyelids. The dress itself is simple and cute, with a giant poof of a mini skirt. He put some kind of leather gimp mask on his model. I hope she doesn’t try to drive in that thing. This was one of the best today, which says not a lot. Poor girls with giant hips. Finally there’s a dress made for them, and it will never be sold in their size.

Judging time! Isaac intros Blahnik, who looks like his face is gonna peel off any second.

Could we turn down the lights a bit?

Isaac tells them this was the best show yet, and the top three audience choices are Fabric Cancer’s shirt dress, Kenley’s sweaty ass crack dress, and Reco’s baby making hips homage. Fern is dressed like she’s on her way to church in Boca.

Not B tells Reco that 90% of the audience said his dress was fashion forward. That’s true, cuz at the rate this country’s going, everyone will have hips like that in ten years. Not B exclaims “90%! That’s pretty darn near everybody!” Is anyone else impressed that she knows this? Atta girl. Isaac asks about the gimp mask, and Reco says he was bored cuz he’s just so much faster and more talented than everyone else. Blahnik goes on a compliment rampage, but I can’t hear him cuz I can’t be distracted from his poor face trying to move. Look at that nose. Jesus people, we all get old, k? Deal with it. It’s better to be an old successful man than some plastic slimy freak who looks like he’s always about to sneeze all over you.

Kenley drones on about her work and tries to be charming, but she’s Kenley so she just comes off as an asshole. You can really see the fine workmanship in the sewing aspect of her dress, but you can also see how poorly it actually fits the model.

The judges all love it, and Isaac says it reminds him of a butterfly. HUH? Blahnik says that he looks at the entire woman instead of just the shoe. That’s quite a compliment, especially coming from someone who doesn’t make a habit of looking at women. Fabric Cancer says she travels a lot so she likes multi-use clothes. Her dress can be unfolded into a long dress, which is pretty badass, but also pretty last week. I hope she wins, cuz she’s against two a holes. Nope. Reco wins! BOO!! Fabric Cancer smiles for him, but Kenley just rolls her eyes. LOL. She dropped that act like a hot potato.
The bottom two are Wednesday Addams and Underoo. MexiJay is one lucky mofo. Not B says that Underoo’s work was called boring and uninspired. He says he was going for salability, which is the worst answer he could give. I made something that didn’t fit anyone so everyone would buy it. Blah sticks up for him, saying that he is a salesman and can see rich old ladies buying clothes like this. Isaac argues that this isn’t The Salesman Show, it’s the Project Runway rip off show. Fern thinks it’s blah and uninspired and gives the typical Fern critique: “I wanted it to be better.” I wanted you to look less like a cleanly shaven Bruce Vilanch, but here we are.
Not B tells Wednesday that her design made the model look the bride from Night Before Christmas. LOL. She says she ran out of time. Isaac reminds her that he warned her about time. Blah says it was amateurish, like she just got her first Vogue pattern and went home and hacked it up. Her answer? “I poosh the envelope too much.” I think that’s an English issue, cuz not one accused her of being just too damn original. She senses that she’s losing them, so she adds “I queet my jobe to be hhere!” Blah shoots her down saying today’s work isn’t an example of why you should quit your day job. LOL Blah.

I waxeed ofe my moostacha for dees?

In private deliberation time, Fern says Wednesday was off the mark, and Isaac says that at least she wasn’t boring. Blah starts talking, but his ravaged face betrays him and his eye starts leaking. You know what will fix that? More plague injected into your forehead.

The two loozas are called back to the stage. Isaac tells Underoo that he bored them to tears, in some of their cases literally. Wednesday made a bold, disastrous choice. Underoo is out! Damn. I was hoping he’d take off his shirt at least one more time. He is sad and says that his work was better than Wednesday’s, but he will keep making dresses that are boring and don’t fit properly for a long time to come. In related people who blatantly steal from better people news, next week is the “fat” women challenge from PR. Who’s gonna be the first one to make a fat chick cry? I’ll be here!

Surviving gay cancer is like surviving regular cancer, but way more girly and unintelligible.

I just love the opening of the show. It’s really long, which means less work for me. Also, Not Beyonce trying to pronounce the words on the cue cards is always priceless. I never really thought about how hard “dollars” was to read out loud until I saw her try for the first time. At least she’s got a sparkling smile to offset her flowering grasp on the English language.

You sure are pretty.

As I talked about last week, this show makes me kinda conflicted about my gayness. I think that people might not be so afraid of us if we weren’t jumping out at them like Jackie in the Box-es.

AAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!

Yeah…keep that on.

James Pole is asked how he’s doing today, cuz he looks a little ate up. If you ask me, that’s pretty rude. Just give him some Proactiv and he’ll feel a hundred times better. Merlin answers for him. “A leedle beat up.” You want beat up? Take a trip over the bridge and walk around Jersey in that outfit.

Then Reco takes over, saying how he wants to be team captain or get off his losing team. He, of course, does this in the most fascinating English I’ve heard since I tried having a phone conversation with my six month old niece this morning. (Hispanic accent) “I losth da layst chayllenge…” (back to gay MushMouth tribute) “…cuz my team…I have three members that can’t execute wayell, I really wanted to be removed out of my team.”

I don’t understand. Could you write that down? No? Charades?

Are we supposed to feel sorry for Reco? As I recall, he made one of the fugliest outfits last week. Waitress skirt with a blank beauty queen sash. Not that I blame the states for not being willing to claim that mess. A lot of complaining is going down in that tiny kitchen. I think we are gonna have to rename the Kinda Almost Pretty Guy, cuz in more shots than not, he looks like a stressed out, disappointed mom from the Midwest.

The bus is honkin’, darnit! Kids get that bus! I’m gonna be late for pottery class and MOMMY NEEDS TIME FOR MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!

Things are already getting stressful all the way around, so before the challenge begins, Merlin teaches the gayest aerobics class ever.

Grab yer aynkles, scream for jore mami, aynd seet on traffeek cone! Dehr! JEW ARE HAYLTHY!

This group is a mess. Mexican Jay is dressed like my fifth grade art teacher back in El Paso, Mrs. Burciaga. Except she had a little bit more facial hair.

I am visiting the family in TX at the moment, and I am working in Barnes and Noble. I walked over to the magazine rack and looked at The Advocate to see if scarves and shawls were all the rage for the raging mos, but no. It’s just this show. Working out and not eating? Still popular amongst the gays. The “designers” all arrive at the workroom, where Isaac tells them all “there’s no rest for the weary. OR THE CHIC!!” Everyone cracks up like that’s the most hilarious thing they’ve ever heard. Well, except for Reco, which is why I really, really like him.

Laura Brown comes in to explain the Haaaarper’s Bizzzzaaaaare mini-challenge and pierces everyone with her cold English eyes.

I am here to save the Earth. From humans.

This is another team challenge, which is fantastic news. For me. Sorry to not let this go, but Stressed Out Midwestern Mom looks like she needs a hug.

A C? A C?!? I’m proud of you no matter what, but you’re making it harder and harder. Did I hurt your feelings? I’m the worst mother EVAH!!! WAAHHHHHHH!!!

As a direct response to last week’s MexiJay’s “I didn’t know this show was called Top Seamstress!” fit, this week’s mini-challenge is all about sewing basics. LOL. The teams are given identical outfits and told to repair the shoulder pads, the buttons, the zipper, and the hem of the skirt. They only have thirty five minutes, and it will be a relay race. Gay Jon Lovitz says that thirty five minutes to make all those repairs is just ridiculous, especially when you’re accustomed to throwing a sheet on a bitch and calling it design. The teams chat for a sec to decide who should do what, and for some reason it cracks me up that Underwear Designer claims the zipper. It reminds me of stealing the International Male catalogues out of mailboxes when I was a kid to…study.

As you can imagine, I learned a lot.

Old Young Lady, dressed like Retired Inspector Gadget, makes fun of Wednesday Addams for being one of the “little people”. She says she can crawl inside, fix the zipper, and crawl out again. I think she’s trying to be funny, but old retired detectives have too much cynicism in their voices and I feel bad for Wednesday.

Penny, bring me some Metamucil or you’re out of the will.

Gayvitz is predictably disastrous when it’s his turn to sew on buttons. He doesn’t quadruple the thread, which mortifies Reco. Then he pricks his finger and gasps like a little girl. LOL Gayvitz.

Get Angela Basset over here before I bleed to death!

Team Little People did well, Team Haven sucked it, and Team Disappointed Mom was mediocre. Haven is in last place, and Reco’s response is “Once again, everybody disppointed me.” Oh wah. This is the kind of guy who takes it personally when he doesn’t get three cherries every pull at a slot machine. Team Little People win! According to Laura, the shoulder pads pushed them over the edge. I don’t know why I find that so hilarious, but I do. I’m going to be saying that all week. “It’s getting pretty tense between Palestine and Israel, but I think the Jew’s shoulder pads will push them over the edge.”
Merlin, humble as always, brags about winning. The subtitles claim he says one thing, ” but I think at this point whoever’s stuck on subtitle duty is just making shit up, cuz what I heard was

“De udder guys, day superstinitate em are power!”

Is that English? No, but gay pirates have their own lingo and we’re just gonna have to learn how to deal with it. Out of the winning team, Wednesday Addams’ work was the best, and to celebrate, she rips her sweater down below her clevage and shows off her turtleneck rack. Transylvania just got a raging boner.

Supernatural Girls Gone Wild

Isaac keeps the teams as they are, but makes them choose new leaders. Merlin ees kurrriows to see what Wednesday can breeng at da tayble, so she’s their leader. Old Young Lady bosses everyone around anyway, so she’s her team’s leader, and everyone’s sick of Reco snapping and rolling his head and spitting all over them while pronouncing the s in disappointed, so he easily takes the front of his pack. I’m sure he’ll be very humble and kind.
Not Beyonce poorly reads a line off a card asking Isaac if his jacket is his own, and he faux humbly answers yes. Of course that’s a Mizrahi. He’s the only designer I know that can take eight hundred dollars of Italian leather and make it look like ten bucks. He wasn’t the queen of Target for nuttin.

This jacket will keep you dry in rain, sleet, or snow. And on sunny days you can wrap your sandwiches in it for a picnic. Don’t worry about dirt. It windexes right off.

He says he wishes his jacket could do more. Like maybe be folded up and used as a tote bag, or wrapped around his head as a turban, or a blanket to snuggle with in front of the couch. I’m telling you. Sandwich bags. The challenge is to make outer wear for all four seasons, and each must have a special function that sets them apart. Yarn Lady says that she just wants to make beauty, not a “go go gadget”. I think that was a direct assault on Old Young Lady, and I wholeheartedly approve.

How bout you just comb your hair and wash out that cat pee smell?

The only team who comes up with a solid plan is Reco’s. He wants to do Aeon Flux. LOL. That movie sucked, and it came out four years ago. Way to keep it futuristically stale, Rere. Gayvitz likes this idea, but says that even though it’s futuristic it has to be from this planet. Like sheets thrown on a model with a belt.
Underwear comes up with an idea for a jacket with trench pockets and a clear back. OldYoung says she doesn’t like that idea, then she tells us that Underwear has no idea what he’s doing cuz he designs, well, underwear. I admit that was my first thought when I saw him, but he’s done decent work so far, plus he works out a lot, so I’m behind him. Then, OldYoung literally sketches out a design she wants him to make. LOL this girl is such a c word. Why not just bring back Kenley? James Pole has gone above and beyond and designed a full on fat ninja turtle with really bad posture.

Fern Mallis would look great in this.

His coat will have a zipper that will turn it into a sleeping bag. For butterflies that feel too pretty. Just go back into the womb and go back to being an ugly ass moth. People don’t automatically treat you like an idiot when you’re not gorgeous. I like his thinking.

Narcoleptics, you will be ignored no longer.

Haven wants to do a skirt that opens up into a makeup bag, complete with a giant mirror on the chest. LOL. She says that Southerners are really into the way they look and are obsessed with hairspray and naming their children idiot names like Haven. If she’s so obsessed about how she looks, how come she has Miss Piggy hair and a Tweety Bird jacket? I am in the south as we speak, and no one looks like that. There are three people wearing fanny packs in this Starbux, though. I forgot my point.
Gayvitz is wearing a horizonally striped Izod shirt with a popped collar. He should be eliminated just for that. He wants to make a catsuit that zips up the front and has a collar that women who travel can store their jewelry in. That sounds comfortable for a long flight. You fall asleep the wrong way and an earring can puncture your esophagus. Dumbass.

Dude, please get some better glue for that piece. You’re making all of us uncomfortable.

Reco takes his team leadership very seriously. He walks around going “uh huh very chic very chic” a lot. Realizing (as we did three weeks ago) that there’s no one with any actual talent on this show, he decides to make the patterns for his entire team. He says the contestants are delusional to call themselves designers when they can’t even carry out simple tasks. I don’t disagree with this, but it would be easier to root for Reco if he didn’t send such hideous crap down the runway.
Work time is done for the day and Merlin screams “Alry beeches! Time to go home!” while OldYoung sings “goodniiiiight!” Wow, that was off key. But so is this whole show. Yet somehow, it’s all gorgeous to listen to. Later that night, Disappointed Midwestern Mom gossips with the others about how disappointed he is with the lame extra function challenge. “I don’t need my coat to be a refrigerator.” LOL. Is Mom wearing an ascot? For crying out loud, people. Even gay people in England stopped wearing ascots under their shirts.

Mastercheese Theater

In the morning, the workroom looks like a violent murder scene.

Fashion was the victim.

Reco is making a “ski suit” that looks like it’s made out of Quilted Northern. He says “It’s ridiklus for this much talent to lie on one man!” WTF is he saying? Anyone? I’m gonna need to buy some Rosetta Stone tapes just to make it through this season. And now for our weekly excuses segment, starring Gayvitz, who went to the BEST. COLLEGE. EVAH! He says that his talent is in being a creative designer, and his school wasn’t into teaching the technical side. Who the fuck would pay for a fashion school that doesn’t teach you how to sew? Pretty picture of a dress! You passed! That will be five million pounds.
Underoos is trying to put his own spin on the design OldYoung is shoving down his throat, but she’s not having it. She tells us that she’s doing her best to give him ideas, but it’s not enough. His first mistake was in making her design in the first place. She’s tattle tale-ing the second she gets the chance, heightening the possibility that we will be missing the only man worth looking at by next week. For this, I hate OldYoung. Pick on a fat guy. Not Beyonce comes in all cheery and Haven looks like she wants to kill her.

Hey, didn’t you not sing that song about putting a ring on it?

NotB and Isaac are bored with Underoos’ work, and OldYoung tells us that he stole her design and didn’t even do a good job with it. I am so confused. Did he steal it or did she force it on him? Oh wait. I forgot. I don’t care. Neither Reco nor NotB can come up with words for James Pole’s sleeping bag design. Isaac, cuz he’s busy making a gay clown face, and NotB cuz her strong point isn’t coming up with words.

Didn’t you used to make coats out of Cookie Monster fur? Put your eyes back in your head.

Isaac making fun of anyone’s work is a laugh, because he’s come up with some doozies.

Isaac and NotB move over to Reco’s team. Rere excitedly tells them “the storyline is a modern escursion to Mars.” There is no reaction, but NotB and Isaac are probably just taking a second to figure out what escursion means. Still, Reco’s visibly wounded.

The strippers would have loved this shit.

Isaac asks if Reco is consulting on construction and he bitchily answers “every ten minutes!” Ouch. MexiJay is upset and tells us “this competition isn’t strictly about sewing!” He’s just never gonna let it go. Next to go under the homoscope is Haven’s makeup bag/coat. Isaac gives it a dirty look and asks her to describe the shape. She doesn’t know how to answer that, which really makes his face scrunch. She assumes he thinks she’s an “idiot Barbie”. Well one of those adjectives is on the mark.

Mother of ten. There. Was that so hard?

In hallway gossip time, Isaac thinks Underoos’ little jacket isn’t working. NotB wants to move on to…”HAVEN?!?” LOL Isaac. She says no, but he starts ranting about Haven anyway, saying he doesn’t think she’ll make it. After all, who wants to wear the Seattle needle around their hips? NotB answers “Victoria Beckham”. HA. Isaac laughs, cuz Beckham will wear any old stupid ass outfit out as long as it costs more than a thousand dollars. NotB, who spent years wearing fug hofits designed by B’s mom, doesn’t see the humor.
Even the models on this show look cheap. One of them is about to fall over just walking in the door.

You got time to lean, you got time to clean, heifer.

Merlin was assigned this model, and listening to him give instructions on how to wear his work is hysterical. “Jew have a seeper here dat jew gonna do like dees, and den you do like dat.”

I hope this show runs longer than Cheers.

James Pole tells his model she has to walk out and then lay on the floor in her sleeping bag and she cracks up. He doesn’t. She keeps laughing. He doesn’t. In shocking news, Gayvitz hasn’t done much of anything and needs help from Reco. Man, over half this cast should get sent home tonight.

And you look like you’re wearing the thimble from Monopoly on your head. What else is new?

Reco keeps up his Men on Film rant, walking around snarking at everyone with rolly head and giant lips. He’s shaven a tiny pencil thin line above his lips, like girls who line their lips a quarter inch higher than their lip line to get bigger pouts, but harrier. As everyone rushes to finish before the show, he says “y’all are making it too easy! Gimme my check now!” Ugh. Shut up you dirt lipped queen.
Haven is behind, and Fabric Cancer, the Asian girl who dyes fabrics to change colors under UV rays but doesn’t speak ever, has a broken zipper. The drama is killing me. Time for the show! Team OldYoung is out first. Disappointed Midwestern Mom’s tinfoil raincoat that doesn’t fit the model is out first. It’s horrid, but it does achieve my favorite effect on these shows. It makes a skinny girl look fat. Yay!

The piece of chicken I wrapped up at work looked better than this.

His twist is that the bottom of the jacket comes off, so girls who like to subathe can use it as a blanket. Cuz metallic blankets in the hot sun? Comfie. Poor girl’s gonna get third degree burns. And who wears a coat to the beach in the first place? Wow, disappointed mom. This is…disappointing. The top looks taped together.

Underoos has taken some shit this episode, but his spring coat is perty. He doesn’t try to hide what it is, which can hurt him. It’s just a folded up jacket, but it looks good on the model and is well constructed. Or maybe I just need to get laid and can’t get his abs out of my head.

The model stops on the runway, lets out the jacket, and pulls out the sleeves to make a head shawl! HOW PRETTY! NotB is shocked. Happily shocked. Yay my man lives another week.

Now this slut won’t get stoned.

Of course, as Underoos is complimented backstage, OldYoung is pissed that he’s taking credit for ideas that aren’t his. Bitch, you made him do it! Were the sleeves and hood her idea too or his? They didn’t show that part, and that’s the winning ingredient. Time will tell, cuz you know OldYoung isn’t keeping her mouth shut in front of the the judges.
Yarn may smell like cat pee and wear shirts with horses on them, but she’s talented. Her coat looks great, and the poofy sleeves hold gloves and a scarf. It looks very well made, and the judges agree.

I hate OldYoung’s ass, but she came out with some pretty great work today too. Who needs peripheral vision?

Under the Christmas tree sleeves are bands to hold your ipod and phone and gun and mace. Now time for Team Little People. Fabric Cancer is out first with another metallic jacket. It’s awkwardly bunched up at the hips, and then it’s unzipped to not be bunched up at the hips. Riveting. The twist is that it can look bunched up at the hips or not bunched up at the hips. Wowee.

Not cute. NotB catches the falling zipper. Wednesday Addams is out next with her Barton Fink girl in a clamshell number. Her model looks like she belongs in a MaiTai.

Toothpic Umbrella

Hmmm. This could be cute, but something’s wrong. The material looks cheap and crinkly, the umbrella hood is held the whole time, which means it probably doesn’t work right, and there’s a super busted white zipper coming up the front.

Underneath, there is lining that looks like an underscarf. Why? I don’t know. I need to just stop typing now.

Merlin’s jacket is made “for dee trayvel geerl”. It’s cool and well made. And it’s being worn by the chick from last year’s Make Me a Supermodel that everyone on the internet said was a dude. Bravo takes care of their own. Unless they charge too much.

The top is removable and there is a little plastic bag to put it in. Don’t get it. James Pole’s model comes out dancing in her sleeping bag jacket, like she’s at a slumber party. Then she does as she was told and gets on the floor. LOL. The audience starts mumbling confusedly/excitedly/angrily and Fern says it’s too casket-y. Isaac answers “I love caskets!” Pole says that it’s for coming home drunk and just wanting to sleep in your clothes. I kinda love Pole.

MexiJay already owns this jacket.

OldYoung Kenley calls them Team Crazy. Then she flips on Murder She Wrote and curls up with a quilt. Reco’s Team is next. MexiJay is first with an oversized formal jacket tied with a bow. It looks cute in the front…

but unfortunately the model has to turn around to make it back up the runway.

She’s got a shoe rack on her back. LOL. To be more specific, a flip flop rack. This woman is probably wondering why her flip flops are always getting stolen. MexiJay is a hacky idiot, but he’s a funny hacky idiot. He says that the shoe rack part is for when you hang the coat in the closet, but then when you’re out you just have giant black pockets hanging off. OY. Haven has glammed up her ten child bearing look, and the judges smile when the model pulls out hairspray and a mirror. I would smile if she pulled out a blowtorch and sent that thing to hell like Freddy Kruger.

Haven says this work doesn’t express her vision, which is confusing cuz it’s all her. Gayvitz, as usual, is spot on in his self critique. From afar, his work is decent, but up close it’s plain hack fug.

The neck looks weird, and then I remember it’s cuz it’s a jewelry roll.

Reco is all bitchy like Kenley and says that he made the entire pattern and blahblahblah. I love these control freaks who boss everyone around and then get mad that they were listened to. Keep taking credit, idiot, cuz that thing looks like hell. The sleeves are ragged, the back is bunched up and badly darted. I could go on, but why? Bad. The end. Reco’s model is out next and good music starts playing, which is supposed to lead us to believe that this is going to go over well. I think this is Reco’s answer to racism.

Grand Wizard of the GayGayGay

Hate him, but this looks better on the runway than it did in the workroom. He made it fit properly, and the big pink blanket on the back turns into a wrap that holds a thermos. Isaac oohs and ahhs and says fabulous three times. Who knew that blanket on her back would be a blanket that she could actually use as a blanket? And a…thermos holder?

Disappointed Mom is complimentary about Reco’s work, but thinks his team was a mess. Nancy Reagan liked the Toothpick Umbrella, but didn’t like that you have to hold it with two hands the whole time.

Time for judging! Isaac describes the guest judge as the inventor of the original sleeping bag coat. I describe her as a buck dentured old lady in chola bangs who wears cat glasses inside. Not that that’s not totally hawt. We’ll call her Hot Kamali Tamale.

Isaac thinks that they did a great job this week, but their fabric choices were gnarly. Wednesday Addams’ team is safe, and Kenley’s team wins!! Please let Underoos take her trophy. PLEASE. Disappointed Midwestern Mom got away with murder, but the good news is Reco LOST! LOL. The two best looks came from Yarn and Underoos! SLAM!! I love it. Tamale thinks Yarn’s coat looks expensive and beautiful, and Isaac thinks that the gloves in the sleeves aren’t very inventive. He adds “but on these two coats, the fabric looks like fabric.” Thanks for that. I hope they’re paying you well. Fern thinks the poofy glove sleeves are good for stealing Little Debbie’s from the 7-11.
Fern and Tamale love love love Underoos, and Kenley can barely contain her venom.

Someone’s about to get a cat thrown at their head.

NotB asks why it was shorter in the workroom, and Underoos says he wanted to listen to their feedback. Kenley pulls a Kenley and makes faces and laughs. Isaac calls her out on it. She says she doesn’t want to have to be a bitch from hell, but that’s how she was born. She says she designed the coat, she chose the color and the fabric and did way more than just oversee. Underoo says that he struggled but came up with the hood, which was the best part, himself. Hot Tamale Kavali says that in the business you may give a design team brilliant ideas and not get credit, “but that’s the deal.” Kenley gulps. Tamale says you need to learn to keep a secret, and she and Isaac have to do it all the time. Kenley says she wished she never said anything. Stupid bitch, I’m glad you did.
Underoo wins!! Even after all that. Teehee. He’s all cute about it, but unfortunately he stays clothed. Reco’s team of LOOZAS is brought up next, and Isaac notes that they lost AGAIN. Reco’s work was the favorite look of the whole show, but he can’t win when he led the losing team. The judges slobber on it and then announce the bottom two: Gayvitz and Haven. Haven is told that her design looks like a hairdresser smock with Mickey Mouse ears. She thinks that her work was funny cuz she always wants hairspray. Fern’s like uh not funny. Tamale thinks she needs higher standards and Haven says she thought it was gonna be great but it turned into a fat mess. She doesn’t know if she should even be here cuz everyone else sews circles around. WEAK! Biggest cast of pussies ever to be assembled.
Isaac ignores it and says it wasn’t the sewing that didn’t work, it was the shape. So if she’s out it’s cuz she sucks, not cuz of some lame thing like stitches. Fern tells her to get more confidence or get out of the business. Haven snottily says she’s working on it. Gayvitz is dragged across the coals for his workmanship. He thinks that he got better since last week. LOL. Even a little better than last week is still pretty fuckin ugly, man. Fern says his neckpiece looks like the jewelry rolls guys on 34th street pull out to sell fake Rolexes.
In private time, Isaac says Haven’s sewing wahwah is a cop out, and Fern says she’s just using a defense mechanism, but Gayvitz consistently sucks. More is said, but it’s mostly just the same blah. NotB says “I don’t know, I’m really tossed up right now.” HEHEHEH. Who’s better? The one with a bad toupee or the one with a stupid name and eighties hair? Gayvitz lacks the desire to not suck, and Haven is a wuss. In the end, Markus is given the old not buyin’ it darlink routine and sent home. Gayvitz is delusional and thinks there was worse on the runway. He says he will always have people to work for him in the future. LOL. I hope they have a hot glue gun or that toupee is gonna slide down your giant egg head.

Sorry, but you still LOSE.

Krispy Twink Allen and Adam Hambert’s opening shots are really really good. Both pics speak 26 recaps worth of words. Krispy’s expression is pained and his jaw is unlocked, and Hambert looks like a thirty five year old baby with a makeup obsession that just made poopie in his diaper.

Ratings haven’t been as high as usual this year, so The Other Simon prayed real hard and booked the finale in…that’s right, HEAVEN!

Tonight’s special guest will be Bea Arthur, doing the number from her one woman show about making lamb chops.

The lessons are coming fast and furious tonight. The first thing I learned is: Joely Fisher looks way better in the dark.

See?

Tink tells us this is television’s biggest night, and we are all very lucky to be here. Sweetest thank you ever. One hundred million votes came in last night! I’m hoping they were against the nationalization of our auto industry, cuz my ass ain’t driving around a motorized red wagon for the next decade. Alas, they were for the singers on this show. Red wagon it is. Tink continues that that number brings the season total of votes to over six hundred, twenty four million votes!! It’s such a big number that he cracks saying it. Soon he’s gonna start sporting pubic hair and trying to grow a pudding smudge mustache.

Happens to the best of us.

Now for a montage called “these idiots make millions of dollars and can’t even talk”, led by the masterful Randy Jackson, who has shown up tonight in another suit. This one is less clown trial and more Velvet Sweaty Bear.

His video package is all of his “for me for you for me dude for real for you for me feed me for you me dawg you.” It wasn’t til I pressed pause to get a montage of bad sweaters that I realized it was the same three nights cut together over and over again. Weak, editors! And now for Skara being, well, a bitch. She ends every cutting remark with “sweetie” or “honey”, which is also how I wait tables. So sorry your food came out wrong, sweetie. Would you like to try this dish anyway, hon? It’s delicious sweets. Sorry but if I take that back to the kitchen the chef will hurt me so shut up and eat it, darlin’! I think it’s time we all banned together and left Skara without a tip so she’ll learn her lesson. In the meantime, let’s enjoy a real sweetie montage.

Skara stands and waves to the audience, and if you used the rhythm of the applause as a metronome, you could play the slowest song ever written. Paula’s video is about her stunning vocabulary, and this is a segment the editors didn’t skimp on. Paula trying to say “authenticity” will never not be funny. She stands up to wave, but her dress is so tight that she almost falls over. Simon grabs her and she steadies herself on the table. LOL. The audience goes nuts for her, and how could they not? That shit is priceless.

Leave it up to Paula to figure out how to wear shoulder pads with a sleeveless dress.

Simon’s clip is about him no longer being able to hear, and it’s pretty funny. I never noticed how much he asked “what?” “WHAT?” There was already a bitch montage, so he gets the endearing to meemaws clip. Sorry Skara! When Tink moves on from the videos, her happy face drops and she looks pissed. LOL. Now for the final two. Krispy and Hambert come out dressed all in white, cuz they are being born into the industry…or something. Shots of their families. Krispy’s mom is letting her fame by proxy go to her head and dressing like a toga ho. Within the year she will leave Krispy Dad and start banging a roadie. Mark my words.

Hambert has looked physically different every week. It’s not just wig styling or makeup. His nose changes shapes, his cheeks re-form…it’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. I suspect he’s taking fat from his butt and injecting it into his face. Today he is a smooth skinned cherub with round cheeks and a LizaHawk.

He is lucky. He looks like the Kardashian mom on a ski trip. Krispy just looks like a waiter at the Cheesecake Factory.

Tink asks Krispy if last night was emotional for him, but the kid’s mic is off so we can’t hear the answer. I’m sure it was breathtakingly insightful. Let’s just sub in all his answers from the rest of the season. “Yeah! Great! Had a great time. I’m thankful! This is great!” Ham’s mic is off too, so he just giggles and shows off his combat boots. With his white outfit. Cuz he’s a rocker. LOL. If he wins that Ford Focus he’s gonna drive around Hollywood without his seatbelt on so suck it, rulez!

Let’s go via satellite to Conway Arkansas to check in with Mikalah Gordon! Wow. Wasn’t she like sixteen when she was on this show? She looks like the next Carol Channing.

The natural look has never been Mikalah’s strong suit, but dang girl. It’s the afternoon! Lighten up on the MAC a bit. She looks like she just got caught in a sloppy makeout session with Ronald McDonald. True to form, she’s completely inappropriate. She kneels down to talk to a little girl and her boob almost falls out of her top. Poor kid can’t stop staring at it.

Saline. It’s what’s for dinner.

Tink takes it back to the studio, but Mikalah doesn’t know that and now she’s shimmying to the cameras and singing “Hello Dolly” off key and hornily. How did Fantasia get her own reality show and this wack job is stuck on the TV Guide Channel?

And now let’s go to San Diego. YAY! Minorities! Arkansas looked like a sea of chicken fat. Carly Smithson is there, and she’s sporting chola bangs to represent.

Carly kinda apologizes for not bringing home a win for San Diego, but has hope that Ham can do it! Uhoh. That’s a bad sign. And now, for the Top 13! They sing a song about wanting to be rock stars. That may seem a little slanted towards Hambert, but to be fair, there isn’t a song about wanting to an office friendly adult contemporary star with sideways face. Wasn’t this one of the Ford commercial songs? If you pay royalties once do you get to just sing it as many times as you want? Matt Gums Giraud has taken his time off to find a white fedora to hide the two month old on his forehead, and Oil Rig Bear has taken his time off to hang out with his daughter. At the Cracker Barrel, apparently. He came back with the figure of Homer Simpson.

D’oh!

Blind Guy marches out on stage holding onto Ham as a guide, but when they stop he starts some kind of pump it dance while everyone stands still. LOL. I love him. I am gonna buy tickets to the tour just to check out his choreography.

The girls step touch completely off rhythm yet still somehow miraculously end up all together. Now that’s talent. Alexis Grace is wearing pants, and it takes me a second to recognize her. Cholaheta comes to the stage and pulls out some kung fu shit. Didn’t know you had it in ya!

If you’da done that a couple weeks ago, you might have had a chance to sing Skara’s brilliant song about mountains and volcanoes and rivers and hills.

Blind Guy is rocking out a little too hard, and gets in Little’s personal space. If this wasn’t live she would have punched him in the face.

You better git yo blind ass up off ma greel, mkay?

There’s always a guy standing off to the side by himself. Wait! That’s the Puerto Rican Sammy Davis Jr!! I don’t think he gets along well with the others.

Hey jew guys! I yam heeeer!

Jasmine, who has the best shoes of the bunch, takes front and center for a solo line and it’s off key and screachy. Poor girl. They should have just given her a shoe closeup and called it a day. That sucked. But Squiggy loved it.

Skara looks like she’s about to be beheaded for not producing a son.

And now for a segment starring Randy on a morning run to get back in shape.

Mikalah Gordon is there to lend her support.

Back from break, Tink starts introing something, but all I can concentrate on is the weirdo without eyebrows who keeps looking around and into the camera like he’s lost.

And now, a bartender who became famous, and the first fauxrocker to win this shiznit, Mr. David Cook! He’s legit rock now, and you can tell cuz he has rubber bracelets for all kinds of causes. He left ball cancer out, though, which isn’t very nice.

I love to make fun of David Cook, but he is here singing a song he wrote in honor of his dead brother. So I will avoid making fun of the song and just move on to his giant egg head. Still there! When he reaches for a note I suddenly get a mental image of what he will look like as an old man.

He’s learned Church Lady Gokey’s art of shaving a movie star chin onto his face, and he totes looks like Brad Pitt.

Can’t really stand Cook and his off key fauxrock voice and arrogant special needs face, but I LOVE THE DRUMMER!! He’s always acting like he’s Penelope Cruz on a hair care commercial.

Towards the end, Cook belts out a couple of winners, and the audience goes nuts. Then he starts singing softly again and gets tears in his eyes. Aw. Tink asks if that was an emotional song and Cook says no, his brother dying of brain cancer is always fun to sing about and giggle about after shows. Idiot Tink. The song is gonna help save lives cuz after the show we can download it and the proceeds will go to cancer research. Uh…I’ll send a check. Justin Guarini is there with his greasy ass fro. He was sat by the emergency exit.

Because if any former cast member should survive a finale fireworks tragedy, it’s Little Orphan Annie.

And now it’s time for the Golden Idol Awards!! YAYAYAYYYYYYY!!! The first trophy is for Outstanding Male. The first nominee is the guy who sings like Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter.

Next is a guy with a giant tongue, and then the guy who sings in one long yawn. Paula told him he could do voiceovers…for movies with monsters. LOL. He sounds just like that dude from last year.

Let my peephole gooooo!

Then the homeless guy with mutton chops. I think he tried to wash my windshield. It all happened so fast, but buddy if that’s you, I’m sorry for throwing a diet coke can at your head and running over your foot. Twice. I was having a bad day.

But I’d do it again.

And then, of course, my lesbian aunt Josie’s ex wife’s lookalike, Uncle Phyllis.

You broke Josie’s heart. I challenge you to a bowl off.

I hate this guy with a passion, so of course he wins. He apologizes for showing up in jeans and a hoodie and takes the award very seriously. He thanks his “comic heroes”, Steve Martin, Martin Short, Whoopie Goldberg, and Nathan Lane. That explains A LOT. Then he rips off his clothes and sings the same lame “And I Am Telling You” he sang a million times on the show. FF, with extreme prejudice. HATE.

Terri Hatcher just got a boner.

Tink says the glasses are greasy but has trouble getting off the headband. He smirks and says now we know his hair is real. What are they supposed to implant, corn stalks? Of course it’s real! It’s just back of the neck real. And now for Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah! What a perfect pairing, cuz neither is ever as good as you thought they’d be. Queen is wearing a spandex body suit. Giiiiiiirl. If you’re gonna wear spandex, you’re gonna need to stand up straight the whole time.

I don’t think I’m ready for that jelly.

One time I lost ten pounds and bought pants that went down to my crack and really tight t-shirts and then tried to have sex with anyone I saw. For some reason I’m reminded of that right now. The girls sound great and the song is fun. I should know. I watched it three times just to see that catsuit jiggle while promising myself never to lose ten pounds again.
Reggae plays and UhNope comes out. What is this, a best of Ford commercial show? Let me save you some time, producers. None are the best. They all blew equally. UhNope sounds great on his one line, and then it’s back to whoresville with Alexis Grace.

You better be wearing panties young lady. Your mother is already stuck raising one of your brats.

Jason Mraz comes out. LOL. His number is the Ford commercial retread. I love it. He’s wearing one of Gum’s fedoras, which makes me wonder if he’s sporting a small child on his forehead too. Damn promiscuous foreheads are ruining the moral fabric of this country. The three actually sound great together. This is the second number in a row I’ve enjoyed. Dammit. It’s starting to piss me off. Someone get out here and suck it right this instant!
Now let’s watch a video about Krispy Twink’s journey! It starts with Twinky coming to the auditions in Arkansas wearing a sideways hat and admitting that there are a bunch of singers that are better than him. Skara asks “yeah, but can they make my seat wet with their pudding smudge smiles? NO. You’re in!” Then clips of Smokey talking about how Krispy blew him (away) and then lots of sideways faces.

Krispy’s pretty cute and very talented, but I can pretty much sum up his E! True Hollywood Story for you with one pic and save you a future hour of your life.

You’re welcome. Now go out and get some sun.

Here he is, singing “Kiss a Girl” with Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman’s anorexic husband. Weird duo. Why didn’t they pair him with Mraz? This country pop crap makes me nuts, and Krispy handles it as blandly and office friendly-ily as possible. Urban kinda wimps out on his lines. Towards the end, it’s hard to tell who’s singing cuz they sound exactly the same. I don’t know if that’s a compliment or a diss, it’s just an observation. I guess that means I’ll have to go out and buy as many Krispy albums as I have Keith Urban albums.
The girls come out and sing Fergie’s “Glamorous”. And by sing, I mean Meghan Doi comes out in hot pants and does a Ruth Buzzi impression. This girl sucks ass. I can’t believe she even made it on in the first place.

Ah Hornato, you’ve left a legacy.

It’s kinda sweet though, cuz Alexis Grace is wearing a sculpture her kid made her out of pipe cleaners.

Can I borrow that thing? I just sucked down some resin.

And then, Fergie comes out! I like her, but I kinda hope she falls. No one should wear shoes like that. Didn’t she catch the story on the news after Idol last week about how harmful shoes are keeping women down?

Fergie is anti-sisterhood.

Sometimes Fergie sounds really amazing. Not right now. “Big Girls Don’t Cry”. I love this song! On the radio when it’s not sung live. Mercifully, it’s cut short and the Black Eyed Peas come out. Fergie yanks off her skirt and is wearing short shorts. Wouldn’t that be awesome if she yanked off her skirt and a pretty flowery dress from Anne Taylor Loft came flowing down? Their dancers are futuristic leather daddy slaves, which is both stimulating and frightening at the same time.

Will.I.Am raps about something while Fergie tries to sneak off stage back to her solo career. Unfortunately her shoes won’t let her move fast enough and she’s forced back into the group to rap and generally make white people look incredibly lame.

She has Wolverine claws! Please don’t let her fall on that hand when her shoes finally give out. Blinding Fergie would be Idol’s biggest tragedy since Jordin Spanx. I’m not sure, but I think this song is called “What What What What”. Simon should be in the video. When they’re done, Tink hums the song to show us why they’re still around. “Boom boom pow!” LOL. The funny thing about Tink is that he’s not ever kidding. He means that shit. “Boom boom pow what what? GRAMMY TIME!”
And now for more Golden Idols. This is for Best Attitude. First up is Bikini Whore, who told Skara that her demonstration wasn’t any better than her version. Then Skara gets up and starts insecurely and lamely trying to prove herself, which is sadder the second time.

I forgot how mad Skara got. When Simon asks Bikini Whore to clarify her name, Skara snarks “we just know you as top and bottom” and sends her out with a sweet “next time come back naked.” LOL. Who’s up for the attitude award again?
The next up is the crazy girl who flipped off the judges and called them all assholes, followed by the sad boy dressed like Kim Bauer who flipped out when heshe got sent home.

The best part is her delusional mom, insisting that her tranny child is gonna be the next American Idol even as BoyBauer screeches out “Because of You.” Poor kid. Her mother has ruined her life. And the winner is…Bikini Whore! She comes out in a new bikini, new boobs, and new skin. For a second I thought “what is Jasmine doing in a bikini?”

Movin’ on up.

Barker’s Beauties music plays and she kisses Tink when he hands her his trophy. He says “I was gonna ask what’s new but I think I know.” LOLOLLLL. A Tink zing that worked!! She takes the stage to sing Mariah as the audience laughboos. Couldn’t she kinda sing before? Cuz she’s way worse than I remember. Does saline hurt your vocal chords? Dolly can still pack houses so I don’t want any excuses Bikini Whore!
The back drop rises and IT’S SKARA!!!! LOLOLOLLLLL. OH. MY. GAWD. She comes up behind BWhore, singing her ass off. Bikini looks around confused, and doesn’t even try to look amused when she gets it. The best thing about this is that Skara isn’t being good natured about it at all. She’s still pissed this whore told her she couldn’t sing. She stomps around the po ho and whoops her ass, not letting her get a word in edgewise. And she sounds great! At the end, she rips off her dress and then stomps off the stage without looking back. HAHAHAHAH. Did you see that episode of Real World Brooklyn where Devyn the beauty queen got beat in a sing off in a bar by a tranny? Skara is that tranny. And I mean that as a compliment. This is the first time I have ever stood up and cheered during this show.

Skara for President!

Holy shit, sign Skara DiLaGuardia until 2050. That was beautiful.

What just happened?

Tink calls Skara back on stage and she hugs a super pissed Bikini Whore, insisting that she only did it for the charity money promised if she carried out the dare. She doesn’t name the charity, cuz she knows we’ll send our checks to it instead of downloading the brain cancer song.
And now for Cholaheta and Cyndi Lauper!! I can’t wait to see who looks older. Chola does. LOVE IT. She sounds fantastic, and it’s great to hear Cyndi’s weird little voice again. I’ve missed her. I even bought that album of standards she released a few years ago. That’s love. The performance was really great and the two sound awesome together. At the end they improvise a little and blend perfectly. Best Cholaheta performace of the season, and I don’t even start laughing when Cyndi starts spasming and chanting out Swahili.

Chola’s gonna be just fine. After wasting time pointing out that the parents of the final two have no personalities, Church Lady comes on stage to sing a Lionel Ritchie song. “Dancing on the Ceiling?” NO! The one about kissing someone in his dreams, of course. “Hello, Is It Me You’re Looking For? I’m The One in Sally Jesse Glasses.” Then Lionel comes out!! WOW! He took time from his busy schedule. They sing one of Lionel’s new songs, which is a pile with the lyrics “you can just chill” LOL Lionel. So hip. Poor Church got stuck with this hack, and he had to sing from the new album? Who did he piss off? Wait. Now they’re singing “All Night Long.” Church gives us one last Church Lady dance to end the season right. You know you suck if Jennifer Hudson is laughing at you, cuz that bitch can’t dance for shite.

Hit it, Pearl!

And now for a look at Hambert’s journey. He started using base as a small freckly kid. Before he could afford a Liza wig, he walked around in leopard print headscarves so kids would stop calling him Ginger.

He grew up to be so shocking that Randy Travis almost spit out his dentures.

His video package of dreams isn’t much more interesting than Krispy’s, so thankfully it’s cut short and he’s brought out to sing. He couldn’t find shoulder pads big enough for the occasion, so he crafted his own out of wire. I know that the media’s been making a big deal about the whole gay guy vs. prayer leader thing, so it’s kinda awesome that he comes out dressed as the angel of death. Suck it, missionary!

He’s singing “Beth”, by KISS. The song is saying “sorry wife, I’m not coming home cuz I’m spending the night with a bunch of dudes.” I don’t think Gene Simmons ever thought his song would be turned into a straight guy having secret gay orgies behind his wife’s back number, but I’m sure he’s very proud. Ham snarls the sweet song out wearing his Elvis face, which doesn’t make much sense, but then he announces Kiss and the whole Angel of Death thing makes sense. Perfect pairing. They’re both obsessed with makeup and they both have snake tongues that they stick out way too much. You know these old farts sit at home watching Matlock reruns with these faces on.

Sometimes, it’s ok to just retire.

Finally, some assless chaps! THANK YOU!

There are lots of explosions and screaming and tongue wagging and old men crawling on the floor. It’s disturbing, yet somehow exhilarating. Especially the floppy man boobs dance.

Ham rips this medley up, and ends on a glass shattering squeal. I may never want to be subjected to Simmons’ tongue again (he stuck it out like 50 times), but I will never forget that performance. I can’t even remember what Krispy sang this episode. Does that mean anything? No. I can’t remember what I ate for dinner, either. But it gave me heartburn. Damn this show is long. I don’t even know what I’m talking about any more. Hambert has become friends with Fergie, but she won’t let him wear her stilettos until he’s proven he can handle the height.

Training Wheels

And now for some Carlos Santana! I’m getting sleepy, but then Gums comes on to sing “Black Magic Woman”. He, too, has the shaven in movie star jawline over his pudgy face. That trend seriously needs to stop.

He only gets to put in one mediocre verse before the cast comes out to join him and sing “Just Forget About It “. I wish I could. Puerto Rican Sammy Davis Jr. rolls his hips waaay too hard. Way to dick slap America, PRSDJR. That hurted.

You may have lost, but you’ll always have that thing.

Krispy is hilarious singing in Spanish, and even more hilarious dancing salsa. There is some serious awkwardness going all around. This number is so wrong that even the black people look white. It’s kinda fun watching Blind Guy randomly punch the air, though.
And now for the final Ford commercial of the season. “I Will Remember You”. Ham and Krispy basically just sing over a montage of all the other crap ads. Cook shows up to give them Fords.

DUDE!! WE JUST GOT MOM CARS!! WOOHOOOOOO! Let’s go out and not drink until eight then get home and start planning out families!!

That’s just wrong. Fantasia got a Mustang convertible. I know cuz I was next to her at a stop light. I screamed “OMG I LOVE YOU TASIA!” And she screamed back “OMG I LOVE YOU TOO!” Then she sped off and I dropped my Whopper down my t-shirt. Isn’t that a touching story? You’re welcome.
And now for a comedy icon who loves music! If it’s Ben Stiller I’m hurting someone. Nope! YAY! Wait I take that back. It’s Steve Martin with his fucking banjo. He pulled that shit out on SNL and I turned that show off for the last time. Don’t make me turn you off twice, STEVEN. He’s playing with a bunch of old hillbillies and Megan Doi and Oil Rig Bear are on stage with him. Wow. This show had a very strong start, but it’s going downhill really really fast. Oil Rig sings this bs hick tripe well, at first, but then poor guy runs out of breath and starts sounding like a kid on a pogo stick. That whole sitting on a stool thing is exhausting.
Then it’s Doi’s turn. She screams and screeches and ruins the worst song I’ve heard in a long time. That shit came out of the box bad, and she still made it worse. There’s one part when she yodels and can’t use her fake growely voice. It’s sounds decent! Then she’s back to sad growl shouts. What the fuck am I watching right now? This is too lame for HeeHaw. I keep hoping for Skara to come out and outsing their asses, but she’s done for the night. Steve makes a joke that he hopes he wins tonight, and my head bangs the desk.
Now for another group song. The boys start out in black suits and massacre “If You Think I’m Sexy.” I’m not even justifying this time wasting, badly choreographed, shittily sung bullshit with a paragraph. I will say that it’s fascinating how many fedoras Gums has bought for the finale. It would be cheaper to get the forehead abortion.

Continuing the downward spiral, let’s welcome Rod Stewart! Hey Rod, how bout you go home and give your son some attention and get off my damn tv! He used the same lift Hambert used last night, and he’s in a version of the bad plaid coat the homeless dude from auditions wore.

Hey ladies! Let’s get naked and I’ll helicopter my pee pee around til I get a halfie and fall asleep.

He sounds like he just smoked five cartons of cigarettes and is singing through a hole in his throat. This show is not making old age look too appealing. “The mornin sun when it’s in your face really shows your age.” So do all those lights on you. FF. I can’t take any more. I will do a lot for you guys, but even I have boundaries. “I wish I’d never seen your face.” Back at ya. I have to press play when he starts doing Michael Jackson dances. Wow. Who’s next, Phyllis Diller with some dirty knock knock jokes? Actually, that would be an improvement.
And now the last Golden Idol. Outstanding female! The pretty girl who sounds like a dying canary is first. Simon says she sounds like cats jumping off the Empire State Building right before they hit the ground. LOL. Next is a homely crazy eyed chick, and then a sluttly chica. AND NOW! TATIANA!

Gee, who’s gonna win this one?

Montage of Tati crying and screaming and crying and telling dudes she doesn’t have to sleep with them anymore cuz she’s a good vocalist. SHE WINS!! Tink tells her to stay seated cuz it’s time for break and she ignores him and runs up to the stage and grabs her statue, saying she’s gotten this far (uh, nowhere?) by doing what she wants. She sings “Savin All My Love For You” AGAIN while running across the stage. Tink is telling her he’s not kidding, he really has to go on break, but she keeps singing and security grabs her. She keeps singing anyway. YIZAWN. JHud doesn’t know if it’s a joke or not.

That bitch is wack.

Ham and Krispy take the stage to sing Queen. With Queen. SORRY but Queen isn’t queen without Freddie. I get that you still have rent to pay, but let’s get real. Krispy sounds nice, but this is Ham territory. They sing “We Are the Champions”, and you can’t even hear Krispy. The cast and backup singers come out to help, and when it’s low verse time again, Krispy takes it. Then it’s belt time and Ham steals the ball and we never hear from Krispy again.
Time for results!! Simon says that even though he doesn’t normally mean it, they’re both brilliant and they should both be proud. Aw. Then some Brit brings out the envelope and stands right in front of Krispy and Ham. HAM WINS!! Confetti and balloons come down and shirtless chorus boys come out and carry him around and then a giant pink Mary Kay Convertible drives onto the stage and it’s filled with leather daddies in assless chaps and Mary Kay herself who waves and cries rivers of mascara and says….
Wait. What? KRISPY WINS!!! WOW. He tells Tink Ham deserves it. AWWW! How sweet is he? Some girl hands him a statue and Tink hands him the mic. His acceptance speech is a typically riveting “uhhhhhhhhhhh….” Well said. Ham takes it very well and seems genuinely happy he doesn’t have to release Skara’s hideous single and put in a year of mall tours. Simon, a dick as always, is the only judge not to stand. His face is priceless.

Krispy sings that song again, and he starts shaky, but who can blame him? Once the belt starts though, he does a lot better than he did last night. He nails it this time. Why is it that no matter how shitty the song is or how unexcited I am about the winner I ALWAYS CRY?!! ALWAYS. I think because I have to wait for another year to make fun of these dorks and it just kills me inside. At the very end of his song, fire coming down from the sky and confetti falling all over the crowd, Krispy takes one last pained sideways faced reach.

Congrats, kid! Now grab your ankles and bite your tube socks.

This is the first upset I can remember in a long time. I guess the only other was Ruben beating Clay in season 2. It’s always so predictable, so I’m glad it ended like this. What do you guys think?!?! Thanks so much for joining TVgasm for this season. It’s been the most fun I’ve had recapping in a long time. Thanks to all of the gasm cappers for joining me this year in the audition rounds, and thanks to Blind Guy, UhNope, Church Lady, Little, Ham, Krispy and the rest for giving me so much material. LOVE YOU GUYS!!

I will miss this sideways face.

Tonight’s final performance show begins with shots of what could have been, otherwise known as the I need to move cuz the people in my neighborhood look like this and I’m finally starting to get skerd montage.

The wheel of fugtion stops on Hambert in full on Liza mode.

Maybe this time, I’ll be happy, Maybe this time, he’ll staaaaayyyyyyyy!

He tells us that he is one in one hundred thousand!! DANG!! And they say Mary Kay obsessed show queens in Liza wigs are a dime a dozen. Hambert sure showed you, They! Then we get a shot of a ten year old hiding his bald spot with an Oliver Twist hat, but sideways so you know he’s got soul, mkay?

Please, mothufucka, can I have some more?

He tells us that he’s the voice in the crowd that needs to be heard. As long as we can look at you while we’re listening. And you don’t try to sing too high. And you promise to make sideways face a lot.
Ham’s a dreamer!
Krispy Twink is ready!
Ham is a supastah in the making!
Krispy is the next American Idol!
Ham is the next American Idol!
Whatevs. You know who’s not the next American Idol?

Askara the Hun

I’m sorry to have to arrest you, but the neighbors were complaining about the sounds of cats being tortured and general boredom, respectively.

Tink is using a handheld mic today instead of his lapel mic, cuz this is some serious shit. And THIS. Is American Idol!

I’m guessing we’re back at the Kodak Theater tonight, which is HUGE, so there will be lots of A list there.

Impressive!! I hope they got the youngest son from Good Times, too!

Hambert has already performed on this stage in that Moses musical, thank you very much. And it was a much bigger deal than American Idol. I think if you’ve already performed at the Kodak Theater in a musical alongside Val Kilmer in fat mode, you deserve to win automatically.

Dang Moses, lay off the KFC.

Skara looks like most of us do in 2009’s economy.

Do I have a job? Who do I gotta blow?

WAIT!! This year AI is finishing out it’s run in downtown’s Nokia theater, not the Kodak, like usual. My bad! Sorry, gonna have to take back Ham’s auto-win. I’m sure he’s crushed. Tink describes tonight’s showdown as “a battle of the acoustic rocker vs the glam rocker! Conway vs California! The guy next door vs. The guyliner.” I describe it as normal boring cheese vs really gay cheese. Like cheddar vs. camembert. I think hamembert will win cuz people like to feel fancy, but when they’re all alone in the grocery store they’re gonna purchase the cheddar. Why is everyone in the audience so damn shiny?

Let’s say hi to the judges!! Randy is all dressed up tonight. No really. A suit, a baby plaid shirt, and a polka dotted tie for the trial being held when the show lets out. Crafts services vs. Randy Jackson. Who keeps stealing all the croissants?

I am not a crook.

Miss El Paso rides by on her float promising to bring world piece by spreading fresh, cheap enchiladas all over the planet.

Paula Abdul shows up in a lime green kimonoish top, the biggest wig she’s ever worn, and a face that looks like a basketball thrown into a bonfire.

What smells like burnt rubber?

Simon’s in a button down shirt and a jacket!! WOWEE! This must be important, if the Brit sprayed on a tan and put on something that accentuates his cleavage.

He and Paula are the same color tonight, which means they probably spent the last week on vacation together having some relations. You’re welcome for the mental image. Why should Harper’s Island be the only show to gross you out on this site? We get lost of shots of the audience, and they’re all hilarious. Some of them look really confused, like they were bussed to the wrong show.

When does Dr. Oz come out? I wanna talk about the shape of my poopies.

And now, for Krispy and Ham!! They’re both in jeans and leather jackets. Boring! It’s the finale!! I wanted some assless chaps. Or some feathers. Something, come on!

KrispyHam. This season has led up to a delicious snack.

Tink asks if they’re ready, and they both say “totally.” Tink has flipped a plastic coin with each of their faces on one side, and Krispy won the toss and wants to go second. I want plastic coins with my face on them! I would give them to homeless people.
Each cheese plate will sing three songs tonight. One is their favorite from the season (LAME!!! LEARN SOMETHING NEW!), one will be chosen by Simon Fuller, The Other Simon (LAME!!! WHERE’S CLIVE?!? So he farts a lot and just talks about loving Whitney the whole time. Who cares? I WANT MY CLIVE!), and a special American Idol finale self help crapfest of a song, written by SKARA!!! YAAAAYYYYYYY! I hope it’s about needing to look for a job cuz nothing lasts forever.
Tink tells us that tomorrow night there will be a two hour finale with so many stars that they will be going long. Great. He warned us. Now I have no excuse not to recap the extra fifteen minutes of Fantasia going through the audience asking for change while a Judd sister hobbles onstage and sings one of her hits from twenty years ago.
Tink always has some pretty hilarious mouth moves as he works, but tonight he is going for a gold medal. This is him pronouncing the word “on”.

He asks, was Hambert born with his vocal prowess? His dad says yes, as a baby Ham would scream through the night, just like he does now. But his wigs were butcher.

Ham is singing “Mad World” again. This time, he rises up from the stage in a priests robe, I think. I can’t tell, cuz for the first part of the song he’s just a creepy dark figure wafting on clouds. Very artistic, AI. It looks like a horror movie, where the villain is a demon who kills old ladies and steals their eyebrow pencils.

The Tale of Satan Kay

His vocals are soft and beautiful, which I will cling to for the rest of the nite cuz you know from here out it’s gonna be sounds of busses screeching to a stop and little girls getting their pig tails pulled out. He gives the song a few extra runs and tweaks, but pretty much delivers the same goodness he did the first time. This time in an overcoat. Are overcoats from the fifties rock now? I listen to the lyrics and just think, dude, you’d be less depressed in a nice light linen shirt. It’s summer for f’s sake. He ends with what is supposed to be a soft vulnerable look that cracks me up. His orange face looks lovely against a blue background.

Oh shit. I forgot to rinse off the Veet!

Ham’s family is proud and happy with that performance, and DadHam even showed up in a sports jacet instead of a t-shirt and shorts! WOWEE!! Ham’s slut of the week is his hottest yet.

The audience goes nutz. Randy says “this is it!” and dude a lot and gives him an A+. It’s so hard to hear past that clown suit. Skara says he’s an incredible artist and he changed the game for everyone else. Her intensity is kinda frightening, which is a good segue into a shot of Sir Anthony Hopkins, who has apparently stolen Soon Yi from Woody, the old dog.

When is it time for the Best Actor award? I’ve already peed in this diaper once.

Ham calls Paula beautiful, and she says that she’s really proud of him. Church Lady Gokey is in the audience trying not to look pissed off. Gums Giraud doesn’t even bother.

Paula keeps babbling on and on nonsensically and Simon starts getting pissed, but she has the talking stick. Or in this case, the talking balls of plastic on her fingers.

What a haunting theatrical taste!

Simon thinks this was the best song of the season so he’s glad he sang it, but he hates the coat, thinks this was too theatrical, and says Ham looks like he’s in Hamtom of the Opera. Randy screams “Twilight! Twilight!” OK first off, vampires aren’t orange, and second, I love the image of Randy sitting at home watching Twilight in his thong with four cartons of chubby hubby, crying his eyes out and muttering “dawg. Dawg.” Ham says that it was theatrical cuz he heard they had dry ice machines and a lift under the stage and was like hell yes! Get that shit together! LOL. Simon says that with the dry ice, long black coat and Tink on the side…then the music starts playing. But I think he was about to make a Wizard of Oz munchkin joke, which would have made Paula’s plastic emeralds work.
Now for a fascinating video package of Krispy Twink. I was hoping for an explanation of why he always has pudding smudge on his upper lip, but no luck.

Cosby Pudding Mysteries

We do, however, get a family photo, which is cute and kinda psychic. The two boys in horizontal stripes make one giant ugly sweater that takes up half the pic. It’s like the universe knew Krispy would one day meet Randy Jackson.

KrispyMom tells us that she used to have to pay her son quarters to sing for her, but a couple of years ago he gave her a coupon book. I’m sure this is supposed to be heartwarming, but what a cheap little bastard.

Aw how sweet. Now get a job and move your beeyatch of a wife out of our garage.

Tink chuckles and tells us how cute that is. Krispy’s singing “Ain’t No Sunshine.” Meh. He should have done the Kanye song. He’s off key for his first sustained note, but then gets on it. He’s stressed, cuz he’s still singing very softly and already looks like this.

I went back and watched his iTunes week performance, and it seemed effortless (if herky jerky and epileptic) compared to tonight. In his defense, the stress level is much higher now and he does take the time to give us a few pained unlocked jaw sideways faces.

Thank you. That’s all I needed.

I actually had to use the gasm’s search function to remember when he even sang this song, which is a bad sign. Of his ability to stay in America’s memory, and of my ever decreasing brain capacity. Once he kicks into gear he does really well and sounds great, but it looks like hard work. And that’s gonna hurt him in the battle with Ham. He messes up his end run a bit, but commits to it and stays on through his final fals note. He’s a talented kid, and gave it his all. Skara still looks mad that he’s even still here.

You’re gonna ruin the anthem I wrote for Church Lady, you hick!

Krispy’s wife is looking very pretty in her Forever 21 formalwear, and his mom has dressed like Barbara Walters tonight.

When was the last time you cwied?

Krispy nervous. Randy gives the Lakers a shoutout and says he thinks that was one of Krispy’s best performances. Skara agrees and says if you weren’t moved by that, something’s wrong with you. Hey suck my cracker, Skara! Paula looks more and more like Sophia Loren with every passing moment. Sophia Loren in 2009.

“You waken, awkaken the spirit in all of us and with your unoop, unake, unique way of ‘Allenizing’ your trademark all over not only this inspirational song but every song you sing and that’s the true marking of a true artist.” LOL. WHAT?!?! She nods proudly, like she just spit out a true gem. God I am gonna miss her ass.

That’s right. I said it.

Simon admits to thinking America made the wrong choice last week (OUCH), but says he takes it back now after that performance. Sorry, still ouch. Krispy looks like someone just tried to wax the pudding off his lip.

That hurted.

Simon says round 1 went to Krispy!! Wowee! Now for round 2, The Other Simon’s choice. He’s chosen “Things Are Gonna Change”. Cocker? For a guy you want to sell as a glam rocker? Other Simon is ridic. Clive would have chosen Whitney Houston.
Ham starts with a nice big yell, but then calms down with a guitarist and bassist and chills the f out. This is kind of a stupid ass song for Ham. He is a lot of things, but a big black woman is not one of them. As if sensing that his Mandisa act isn’t working, he drops it and does what he does every single damn time.

And he doesn’t stop. He even adds in some Mariah hands. I like Ham mostly, but SHUT. UP.

He ends on a nice soft note.

Kidding!

That was one of his screamiest, and that’s saying something. Ouch. That sounded like a pig farm in India the day they found out about swine flu. Randy loves the song and thinks Ham can sing his face off. Hell, he can sing our faces off. Skara thinks it was his best performance and interpretation to date. HUH? Skara is very Tony Robbins today. I miss her whining. Paula stands and says it’s the best she’s ever heard him sing evah and he looks like a superstar and he will be iconic. LOL. I think she meant “ironic”. Simon says he is back in the game. Tink says something about Paula and herky. Or did he say jerky? I think he said herky, but jerky makes more sense.

Slim Dim Jerky

Tom Cruise’s wife is there. Glad to see she found the escape route out of that crazy ass house. She is following Scientology rules though and not letting her kid listen to any of the music.

Shut it Suri. You can hear again when Kirstie Alley tackles us and puts us back in our cage. It’s mommy time.

Other Simon chose “What’s Goin’ On” for Krispy. Jesus, Other Simon. Show your age much? Motown Night sucked enough the one time we had to sit through it. Krispy starts soft with just his guitar. Smart move to do it in his own cracker way and not try to compete with Ham shouts. The small band kicks in and he turns in a really nice, sweet version of song. I could see this being on a fabric softener commercial. And it probably will be. Krispy tops even himself on this one. At least in the facial department.

I am out of retard jokes. Sorry but it’s been a long season.

He doesn’t even attempt to do the falsetto bridge, and instead keeps singing “just tell me” while hanging his tongue out the side of his mouth like a very thirsty bulldog. That was very elevatory and waiting on holdy, but to me it sounded better than Ham’s screamfest. Randy thinks it was too light for the finale, Skara Robbins rolls her head with attitude and says that he uplifted people and made them want to change. Paula: “I know what’s going on! You tore that song up!” LOL. She’s been waiting to use that one all day. Simon thinks it was like three friends in their bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye. He gets booed, but agrees with Randy that it was boring. Tink tells Simon to leave his bedtime stories out of this, but Krispy says the most. With his pecs. You’ve been working out. You win!

Hey! Look! It’s the cast of the season! Blind Guy must have pissed the group off, cuz no one even bothers trying to point him in the right direction, poor thing. He’s gonna be so upset when he sees this.

Tour’s gonna be bumpy.

Now it’s time for Skara’s song, which is called “No Boundaries”. TEEHEEE. I was hoping it would beat “This is My Now” in the cheesy title department, but it comes close. Ham is out first, and he starts in the dark again, with a pink spotlight. He almost matches the back wall.

The song is about thinking about giving up cuz you’re too old and tired to live your dreams and then your wife dies and it’s just so sad and depressing, but then you find that changing your hair and glasses every day can make other people smile and point at you and you think maybe I won’t just be a pasty chunky lesbian with glued on facial hair singing in a mega church for the rest of my life after all! Man, Skara really wanted Church Lady to win this thing.

Someone done laid an egg. A rotten one.

There are lots of lyrics, and Ham can barely keep up. He misses a lot of notes and squeaks out some of the high parts, and it’s one of his worst performances so far. That said, how can you blame him? The song is ridonk. And is he wearing snakeskin pants? There goes the PETA vote. At least the tire workers of America will like the shoulders. Once he gets to the screaming notes at the end, he does really well, but he screws up his final fals note, then veers back on course and ends sounding like an eighty year old soprano in the choir. Yikes. If I had never seen the show before and I just turned it on now for the first time, I would turn that shit right back off again. I don’t even care who wins. Just please don’t make me listen to that song on the radio for the next year. PLEASE. I’ll do whatever you want!
Audience? Bizonkers. Randy thinks it was just ok and it was pitchy.

Excuse you? I used my entire trunk of Mary Kay for this performance you fat fuck.

Skara gives herself props for being moved by her own song, and Ham thanks her, cuz he can’t call her the c word on national TV. Paula can’t think of any adjectives. You don’t say. She says he can sing anything and she’ll be a fan. Too nice to diss Skara’s song. LOL. Simon refuses to judge the song and says over the season he’s been one of the best and most original contestants evah and he believes Ham is a stah. That was sweet, but he also didn’t comment on that shite performance. On closer inspection, his pants are just acid washed, and not snakeskin. I’m disappointed, but that’s kind of a running theme tonight.

And that’s the only time he’s ever getting on Eve, so tell her to calm down and cross her legs.

I am worried for Krispy. That song is crap, but it’s very difficult crap, and he’s gonna really have to pull it out. And swing it around. And offer it to the voters. Krispy makes more sense singing this tripe, at least at the beginning. There was a blank spot in there and I can’t tell if he forgot the lyrics or just ran out of breath. He misses a lot of notes too, and this song, as suspected, is way too big for him. He handles the front of the song way better, but Ham wiped the floor with him on the big belt notes. This song sucked, and neither one of them overcame it. Can Spanx win again? She’s not much of a singer, but she’s at least fun to watch make funny faces and pretend she’s Beyonce.

This song should have been called “Reeeeach”.

Randy says he should be proud of himself and his voice fits the song better than Ham’s. Skara doesn’t want him to be judged on her too high crap song, she wants him to be judged on his cute little butt I mean artistry. Paula says it’s the most compelling finale evah, and Simon thinks that his highlight was the first song but he has come a long way since his first nervous audition. He deserves to be in the final two. Which is a nice way of saying you lose but thanks, k? Krispy looks bored.

It’s usually pretty obvious at this point who’s gonna win, but I honesty have no idea. I assumed it would be Ham, but after this finale who knows? They’re both original (at least in the American Idol plastic factory), they’re both talented. I think that finale song makes much more sense sung on the radio by Krispy and some Pro Tools, so I’m picking him. Krispy FTW!! Weigh in, and come back tomorrow night for some finale goodness. LOVE YOU GUYS.

Ugly Betty, you just got schooled!

The opening clues us in on the dumdums we’re about to spend an hour with.

Try one with words in it. You might learn something.

Previously, this happened:

I can’t remember anything else.

There’s a clip of Isaac saying he was dazzled by something on the runway, and I don’t remember that happening. Didn’t he tell everyone if he was Joan Collins they would all be fired? You know what? Let’s not live in the past. Moving on to this week…
We open with my favorite kind of shot. Someone crying.

My clothes may have been ugly, but they turn into compost in less than a year!

Last week I was calling this girl Organic Clampett cuz of her hair, but she toned it down so now she’s just Organic. Damn. That name needs some work. She’s all upset about being in the bottom two and tells us that the competition is reeeeally haaaard. She was so hurt by Isaac telling her he doesn’t know if she has the stones to make it here that she is going home!! WHAT?!?! WHAT A WUSS!! If at first you don’t succeed, just open your own online store without a comment function I guess. See ya LOSER!

Whole Foods probably needs some cashiers, and they have very positive attitudes over there. Maybe you could make some baby doll dresses out of their cloth bags or some shit.

You know who really deserves our respect? The underwear designer.

Now that’s talent.

As some of the boys eat breakfast in the AM, Kinda Almost Pretty talks about Organic Clampett leaving. Merlin, who is in a headband after his Tai ChiChi La Rue class, pouts “Che was so cute!” Kinda Almost says in his thick Midwestern accent that this competition wasn’t the place for her cuz “she deyadeen’t heyave the skeein for it.” Kinda Almost is hairless and wears a lot of makeup. He tries to show off his professional eye shadow application, but comes off looking like a disappointed mom.

You don’t want to go to college? Fine. No really it’s fine. I’m not using any tone, it’s really fine. I just dreamt you would be better than the rest of us and now my dream is dead. But at least you’re happy. Really. It’s fine.

They all get to the workroom, where Isaac tells them they will be competing in teams again. YAY! I don’t hear the rest cuz I have to press pause and take a look at everyone’s outfits. Look, I’m gay (are you shocked?), and I’m all for people being out of the closet and I get that gayness is straightness in the fashion world, but when did it become ok for dudes to put on girl’s clothes and makeup to go to work? WHEN? Especially in the fashion world, cuz there are so many gay guys and gay guys aren’t attracted to women, they’re attracted to men. I don’t know if what I said just made any sense. I’m babbling cuz I don’t want to diss my own people for being who they are, but they’re making it very difficult. It’s like the whole community is being broken up. There’s always been gay, bi, bi curious, transgendered, pre op, etc; but now there’s a whole sub-section of thirtysomething men who want to start all over again and pretend they’re twelve year old girls on their way to a Jonas Brothers concert. Exhibits A, B, and C:

The manliest one in the room is Not Beyonce.

Since James Pole was last week’s winner (with experimental rectangles, no less), he gets to choose someone to move over to Team Tube Dress, which is now down two members. They look scared, but I don’t know why. Whoever they get has to be better than FortyHawk and Organic Clampett, right? Wrong. This is the Fashion Show, and I’m already learning that someone worse is always right around the corner.

Daniella, the chick who dresses too old for her age, doesn’t want to be on the same team as Merlin again. I don’t understand why! He’s so pleasant!! See?

You on my teem agayn and I kill u boobies.

Pole sends her over to Tube. DAMN! I was looking forward to some more lisped out sexism. Laura Brown is brought in. She’s the skinny blonde bitch on wheels who works for Haarper’s Bazaar and I guess the sack of bones in charge of the opening challenges. She’s kinda like the Nina, but crackier, meaner, and more intelligible. I don’t think Eco Friendly Witch likes her very much, cuz she tries to put a curse on her the second she walks in the door.

You are getting verrrry sleeeepy, my dear child. Today’s challenge is to make an outfit that is good for the Earth. Say it! SAY IT!

Sorry, Witchy Poo! The teams are all given boxes that contain cheap shit and expensive shit. They have to dress two mannequins, trying to distinguish the cheap from the expensive. Hey I’d hate for these guys to actually have to design something. Lame. Team Tube is first. They get three pieces wrong. I could go into great detail, but really, why? They get more time, but are still off by two. Third time’s a charm. And I think we all learned a very important lesson here.

You don’t need to spend thousands of dollars to look like the lady on the Swiffer Sweeper commercials.

Team Harem Pants is next, and Mexican Jay is dressed like Fred Flinstone with Wilma’s hairdo.

I’ll bet he smells like old cheese.

MexiJay says that he and some of the others “shop designer” so he knows they’ll win. What designer do you shop exactly? I don’t remember seeing that jewel you’re wearing in any mags, but I could just be in the wrong section of the newsstand.

Markus, the gay John Lovitz, not to be confused with Straight John Lovitz from last season’s Project Runway (sorry for name recycling but look at the guy!), says that the first thing he did was smell the purses cuz he knows what leather smells like. Duh. It’s smells like the inside of a Payless Shoe Store. Like we’re all morons because we didn’t graduate from the BEST SCHOOL EVAAAAHHHH.

Why is Old Young Lady dressed like Kenley today? If she had bangs, I’d be worried a cat was about to be thrown at me.

This team is off by two pieces, and what’s awesome about it is that what are wrong are the purse and the belt. Leather! LOL Gay John Lovitz. You’re making London College really proud right now. Reco, our Man on Film, figures out that a belt with glue on it is probably not expensive. Nice work. They have to go over and over again, always off by one piece. MexiJay looks like he just ate the dress forms.

Thinning.

They finally get it right on the fifth try, and in double the amount of time it took the first team. Gay Lovitz blames his team, which is just shocking. How come the rich outfits are always more wrinkled up than the cheap ones?

Team Bolero gets it right the first time in just three minutes, less than half the time of their nearest competition. Merlin is very humble about it.

I make keel cute Graymleen, I make keel competeeshun!

The teams all huddle up to pick team captains for the next challenge, and Merlin’s team looks like a crew of Gay Smurfs trying to decide how to battle Gaygamel.

I punch heem een da poosy and you guys tie hees choolaces togayder!

Merlin has taken off his UgBets poncho and now we get a full view of his lovely top.

I can’t find words.

His team chose James Pole to be their captain. In grade school, an Easter purple sweater and granny scarf would have got him beaten up, but on Bravo the outfit actually works to his advantage. Kiss his tiny bony Asian ass, Dodgeball!

Don’t get so comfie. Old Young Lady will have no problem throwing a dodgeball at your head.

Anna, the chick who is obsessed with Yarn, is picked for Team Tube Skirt, and Team Harem Pants chose Haven. I don’t think Not Beyonce likes her, cuz this is the rude face she makes when she hears the news.

Isaac says this week they will need to bring it cuz they’re designing for a very special guest named….

Chrissy Snow!

Unfortunately, that’s not true. This chick is a “premier socialite” in NY according to Isaac, and her name is Tinsley Mortimer. Uh-oh Haven! You have some competition in the tacky white blonde girl names department! All the other socialites are gonna be all atwitter that she is on TV with her hair sticking up in the back. You would have been assigned a touch up artist, but this is the cheapest show on Earth. Sorry!
I tried to dig up dirt on her, but there’s nothing juicy. She got a reality show on MTV last year but they killed it cuz all she did was get dressed up and smile a lot and had nothing interesting to say. And this is the network that produces The Hills and The City. Ouch. If you’re vapid compared to those bitches it’s time to consider hanging yourself. She’s dressed in one of the most unflattering skirts I’ve ever seen.

Please take your seats. The curtains are about to rise for “Saddlebags: The Musical”

Predictably, the queens are thrilled and the women? Less so. Wednesday Addams looks like she’s got this idiot’s number.

Tinsley (LOL) says that she’s got SO MANY social invitations that she just doesn’t know how to dress for them all! She’s got inviations to an art gallery opening, a ladies luncheon, charity gala, backstage party for a Chicago concert, a members 10% sale at Best Buy, a five star buffet to raise money for starving children in Africa, and a bring a can of beans party in a mansion to honor Habitat for Humanity.
They will each have to make and outfit for a part of a Team Collection, but they will only get forty bucks each. LOL. Like Tinsley’s gonna wear some forty dollar piece of crap. That curtain dress was a thousand bucks, at least. Tinsley (LOL) tells the designers that the most important part of the design is the hair, which “I’m known for!” This is even funnier cuz she still has hair sticking up in the back.
There are fourteen hours to complete this very important task, and when time is called, the designers start running like contestants on Supermarket Sweep.

La migra! La migra!

The designers are really nervous cuz Tinsley (LOL) is always wearing the most fashionable clothes. There was the time she wore that curtain skirt (recycle!) and that time she gave birth to a cone of cotton candy at thirty year old prom.

Old Young Lady is immediately bossing her new team around, but Yarn isn’t having it. You know Old Young is an asshole when I’d rather hear fashion input from this chick.

Nice horse. ??

James Pole starts assigning outfits to his team, and the girl who dyes shit with UV dye, Fabric Cancer, says that Tinsley (LOL) didn’t say what she wanted, so “we had to create our own artificial design direction.” Artificial design direction? Come on fabric cancer. Just make her some fug clothes and you’ll win. No one told me how they wanted me to write this recap, so I am going to have to come up with an artificial recap. It’s like a normal recap, but with more cancer causing ingredients.

I did it!

To make sure they’re on the same page, Fabric Cancer asks Captain James T. Pole to give them a couple of adjectives to work off of. His answer? Stealth Fighter. BWAHAHAHAHA.

What is dees?

When you know English, that description is hard enough, but when you’re Wednesday Addam’s from Transylvania, it’s dumbfounding. “So farther? Steel finder? Stella fighter?” Oh man please go with Stella fighter. Bette Midler needs a kick in the ass.
Captain Pole explains it for us, like we’re all idiot cast members on this show and don’t know what a stealth fighter is. According to him, it’s a tiny thin plane that was invented a couple of years ago. Or in the eighties. This cast is priceless.

The plane is this big.

He advises his team to think very hard and soft. He should be hosting this show. Over on Haven’s team, the pitch session is even more awesome. What theme does she want to go with? “ME!” HAHAHAHA. She’s not kidding. The theme will be “Tinsley/Haven”. They’re both vapid blondes, neither shows any discernible talent or ability, and they were both given names out of the Muffin Baby Names Book. What could go wrong?? She wants an eighties, Linda Evans look. YAY SHOULDER PADS! Reco just has one thing to say about her idea.

HATED IT!

Time to shop for fabrics. Underwear designer talks about how hard it is to find cheap fabrics, but all I can pay attention to is his forehead. When you botox, you need to make sure that you shoot up in each corner or you’ll look like you have an expand triangle tab on your face.

Drag to resize.

Haven and Eco Witch are having some issues cuz Haven wants to go with ugly pink tulle and Witch wants ugly red tulle.

Battle of the Fug

Haven’s gonna wake up with warts all over her face if she doesn’t watch her temper.

And so it begins.

She tells us that she’s the boss and they all have to do anything she tells them. My daddy owns this town and you’re gonna pay!! It looks like Eco Witch ignored her stupid ass and bought red tulle anyway. Love it. Back at the workroom, Fabric Cancer has decided that she will take Captain Pole’s stealth fighter directions literally and glue gun paper airplanes all over Tinsley. She says it will be edgy and angular. And really, really, hilarious.

Old Young Lady wants to make a jumpsuit with a little jacket cuz it’s “edgy”. There’s that word again. Guess what’s not edgy? The name Tinsley. I think people are glomming on to the wrong adjective. They’d have better luck with “desperate” “cloying” or just plain

LAME.

And now for a shot of MexiJay, in his long johns and sweat pants, scratching his crack.

Every socialite needs a faint whiff of MexiCrack when she goes out on the town. Keeps her mysterious.

Eco Witch did buy the red tulle, and the surrounding queens try to warn her against it. Gay John Lovitz gets so flustered that his toupee line shows. And it’s really, really, bad.

Haven comes over and tells her she hates the red, and now Eco Witch is surrounded. She waves her fingers around like she’s holding an invisible wand and warns against ganging up on her. Haven literally backs away. HAHAH. Witch tells us, in her insane eye rash makeup, that everyone’s picking on her but they’re not being articulate with their gripes. Could it be THE BRIGHT RED TULLE? She has no idea, cuz all they say is “no not that.”

Who knew pink eye would start a fashion trend in the witch world? Well done, kindergarten disease!

The next day, the designs are starting to come together for everyone but Gay Lovitz, who doesn’t have one thing sewn. Use your toupee glue! It hasn’t let you down yet! Time to meet with the lead stylist. I don’t know if I’d take hair advice from a chick in a Carol Brady mullet, but I suppose they don’t have much of a choice.

Oh, Jan, you’re all pretty.

Isaac and NotB come in to check on progress. They don’t say much at first, but they start with Captain Pole, so what could they say? Not B doesn’t have anything to say about MexiJay’s fug flower skirt, cuz she is dumbfounded by his top.

I think Not B actually already owns that.

Eco Witch tries to bring in her fug tulle again, but Isaac doesn’t have anything to say. What’s the point of Isaac and Not B even coming in if they have zero advice? Wait, I spoke too soon. Not B gives all kinds of attitude when she gets a look at Old Young Lady’s “see through bomber jacket.” She rolls her head and waves her hand around, but Isaac likes it. OldYoung is very offended and hurt.

They hate me when I’m old, they hate me when I’m young. WAAAHHHHH.

Isaac and Not B go out in the hall to gossip, and Not B pronounces Tinsley (LOL) Tinsle-y. Like she’s a really overdone Christmas tree. Actually, not far off. Isaac is worried about MexiJay’s top, but loves the skirt. Since the winner gets “a version” of their dress sold, he will probably choose this one as the winner, and just redesign it and take twenty percent of the net. During commercials, there is a bit about MexiJay having a crush on GayLovitz. EW!!! He says he looks like his boyfriend and he is turned on by his toupee. I look really hard at GayLovitz and try to see it, but all it does is make me crave eggs.

Back from break, the crush is dying as MexiJay tells us that GayLovitz isn’t up to the same level as the rest of the team. He can’t sew for shit, and he isn’t even close to being done. Reco rolls his head and says all that money spent on London college was wasted cuz Gayvitz doesn’t know anything. This coming from the guy who makes sentences like these:

Glovitz says he’s just taking his time cuz he really really respects Tinsley. He doesn’t explain why, and I am sure he’d take about an hour to come up with one reason if you asked him. The models start arriving for fittings and hair, which means it’s time for Merlin to put on his hot pink riding outfit with a fur collar. This outfit would be a hit if it weren’t for one thing.

The purse doesn’t match. Any self respecting horse would throw his ass into a ditch.

Backstage at the show, Gayvitz tries to convince us that everyone is behind. Not just him, k? Out in the audience, there are some pretty important people.

Dang. Swoozie Kurtz guest stars on everything!

The guy sitting next to her already seems very angry, and he hasn’t even seen the clothes yet.

I know they didn’t make me sit with Swoozie Kurtz. That bitch is so over.

Shot of Tinsley (LOL)’s husband!! Something tells me he’s really rich.

She totally married you for your looks.

Team Stella Fighter is up first, and Fabric Cancer’s art gallery dress walks. It’s really pretty, and she got rid of the paper airplanes. It’s probably a bit classy for Tinsley, but it looks great for normal people. The model looks like she’s peeling off a giant dress scab.

Fern Malice thinks it’s too dressy for an art gallery. Merlin’s luncheon dress is next, and it looks like a bright pink robot mess with pockets placed in just the right place in case Tinsley gets a case of jock itch. The hair is a big Winehouse beehive. Cuz ladies who lunch always try to look like one hit wonder crack hos. He thinks it’s “like a Mercedes.”

A Mercedes with an itchy jayjay.

James Pole’s design is next and it’s soooo wrong. The top is a hot pink satin potato sack, and the skirt is a simple waitress skirt that’s cut diagonally with giant hips added. It makes the model look like a heifer, which Tinsley seems to like. She’s also got a Muffin Claw do, so this could go over better than I suspect. He thinks he might have a problem cuz the skirt is “too conceptual” for New York.

Wednesday Addam’s came up with the best work out of the group. She made a simple layered ball gown for the charity event with hot pink trim and chose a simple, sleek hairdo. Tinsley will probs hate it cuz the model doesn’t look desperate to cling to her twenties.

When their collection is done walking, Team Hot Pink Pony hugs and gets all positive and crap. Reco rolls his eyes from across the room and tells us “the little people? I can’t get into their thing.” LOL. Next up is Team Yarn, and Yarn’s work is first to walk. She did the ladies luncheon look. She made a hot shiny grey skirt with horizontal pleats up the front and a semi transparent purple top. Her model looks classy, rich, and not like a gum smacking tween from the eighties, so I don’t think she will win. Still, excellent work, Yarn! The hair is just natural and pulled back, but what do you expect from Yarn? She was wearing a horse shirt.

Underwear is up next with a simple black cocktail dress for the gallery opening. It fits well and has a cute purple ribbon trim on the hem, but the shoulders look like when you had to make your own Indian costume in kindergarten out of paper bags from Skaggs. The hair is Tinsley’s current hair, so she’ll at least like that part. Isaac tells Tinsley he could see her in that, but she’s not convinced. He sounds like the gay mother earth trying to get his addict friend to not leave the house looking like Eddie from AbFab. He’s practically saying “PLEASE just wear a simple black dress and stop looking like an idiot on Page Six, k?”

Old Young Lady put out the sluttiest outfit so far, and I honestly didn’t know she had it in her. It’s a sort of ballet slip with a bustier cut top and the see through bomber jacket. The jacket collar and shoulder work, but the bolero cut looks a little nightgowny. The hair? Is the same hair Old Young Lady wore today. Head slap. The model looks like kind of a whore, but a whore that charges lots of money and will actually go out to dinner with a guy first.

Just throw some jeans on under that and we’ll go to Applebee’s before you tie me to the bed.

The model has a beautiful body and gorge thick hair, but unfortunately has lazer beam eyes that make me feel very uncomfortable.

Unlike most bony models, who make me feel right at home.

That’s just slutty and inappropriate to wear in public enough to win. Kinda Almost Pretty put his blond model in a ball gown that doesn’t fit very well. The idea and fabric choice are solid, but it’s baggy and shows off zero figure. The back is kinda almost perty. Or he just had extra fabric and didn’t have time to cut it off.

Tinsley’s husband looks like he’d rather be getting his back hair lasered off.

Haven’s team is out next, and MexiJay’s tacky chi chi gallery opening dress is out first. YIKES. Gallery opening? Is there a new telenovela titled “Gallery” or something? The skirt looks like piss poor curtain fabric that’s all bunched up and unflattering in the hips, and the red bikini top helps nothing. Wow. This one sucks it HARD.

Her hair is ratty and unkept, and she has rope around her neck. Which will come in very handy during eliminations. Issac expressed interest in this piece back at the workroom, but Tinsley points out that she has safety pins showing. LOL. Hilarious, cuz MexiJay was bitching about Gayvitz’ sewing abilities for the past forty minutes. Just when I think this can’t get worse, we get a profile shot.

Get this girl some Gas-X.

Speaking of Gay John Lovitz, he’s next, and it’s lucky for MexiJay, cuz if anything can take the heat off a baggy badly sewn poorly thought out piece of shit, this can.

Wow. This is horrid. Is any of that even sewn together? I suppose he’s gonna claim he was trying to do a draping look. This is drape rape, and should be stopped. The shoulder pad lining is visible!! To his credit, Gayvitz knows it sucks. So does NotB.

That was so bad it almost blew my weave off.

Haven’s out next, and she just did a simple pink ballgown top with stupid fabric flowers on the belly button. The only thing keeping labia from having the spotlight are the tights. Why is everyone putting their models in black tights? Is that supposed to be artistic, or could the teams find no other way to tie their dreck together? Her hems are messy and uneven, and there’s a zipper on the side that looks like it’s glued on.

And now the moment I’ve been waiting for. Eco Witch’s rock concert wear. Tight dress that doesn’t fit the contours of the model, lace shoulder detailing, and an above the knee tutu. Then they show the back, which is just wrong. This is a seriously untalented cast.

Isaac says “it’s backstage at a rock concert” to which Fern Malice quips “when everybody’s left and they find her under the table.” LOLOLOLLLLL. Reco knows he’s not going home cuz his dress is made well. BWAAHAHAH. Best comedy on TV. Black skirt, porple top, black flowers and a sewn on sash. This girl is waiting to win something, and she’s gonna wear that sash until someone gives it a label.

Miss Calculated

That was by far the worst. Swoozie Kurtz loved it, Carol Brady Hair loved it and found a way to plug Tresseme, and some rat guy calls team three out on sucking bawls.

And then he dropped a tiny pellet.

The designers wait backstage, and Reco and his teeny tiny hat start telling off Eco Witch for adding the tutu even though they all told her not to. “You did?” LOL Witch. She tells us that she doesn’t understand what Reco’s saying cuz it’s “unarticulated”. That’s like the fifth time she’s said that today, but Reco not being able to grasp the English language doesn’t mean the tutu thing wasn’t articulated. Reco just can’t talk real good like.

We tode youz and youz was all like nuhuh!

Witch insists no one ever told her not to put on the tutu, which is delusional and awesome. Reco’s point (from what I gather) is that her piece didn’t fit with the collection, unlike his fug queen sash. None of that collection went together, and Reco’s work was plain hideous.
Judging time! Haven and James Pole’s teams take a seat, leaving Yarn’s team. They won!! Deservedly. The two standouts were Yarn and Old Young Lady. Yarn should take this one. Fern loves it and can’t believe it was only forty bucks. The whole package worked. Old Young Lady is asked if she thinks her outfit works with the rest, and she says yes cuz it’s angular. Isaac doesn’t fake her out. He liked it. Tinsley says she’d wear it out the door right now. Fern says a jumpsuit with tights aren’t her thing. Thank God. Can you imagine Fern in that thing ? Old Young Lady wins!! That’s gonna make her nice and humble for next week. I am shocked, shocked I tell you, that Tinsley chose the sluttiest outfit. What a predictable ho.
The other two teams are called to the stage. Not surprisingly, James Pole’s team is safe and gets to sit down. Isaac asks Haven to explain herself as team captain. She says 80’s and Linda Evans a lot, but girl that look doesn’t even work on you.

Isaac goes on record as loving Linda Evans but didn’t see her on the runway tonight so suck it. He brings out the worst looks, and they are Eco Witch, MexiJay and Gayvitz. Gayvitz is told his model looks like she was wearing a table cloth with a little belt. Don’t forget the diaper.

Fuggies

He admits that it was a disaster but giggles that he wanted to give Tinsley the world and it made him nervous. Fern says “I wish we liked this more.” Well what a sweet way to put it. She must be a fan of The Critic. She drops the niceties with Witch, telling her that the audience thought her model looked homeless. LOL. Tinsley says that without the hideous mesh in the back and the tulle it would have worked. Was that articulate enough for you, hon? Isaac liked MexiJay’s work upstairs but was mortified by it on the runway. He points out the safety pins and scrunches his face. Not B gets mad and asks “why did you do that?” LOL.
MexiJay says he has two companies and lots of Asian children who sew for him and he’s not used to having to do it himself. Isaac calls cop out, but MexiJay keeps on talking about needing a staff. Isaac says it’s the last time he wants to hear that excuse and the shoddy work is why his team is on the bottom. MexiJay snaps “I didn’t know this was America’s Top Seamstress”. Isaac snaps back “This is called Project Run…The Fashion Show. This is The Fashion Show.” Then MexiJay says to just send him home. BYE!! Poor little hobo clown. I’m sitting here waiting for that flower on his jacket to squirt at Isaac.

Witch smiles like “yes! My earthworm, old lady blood and Riccola concoction worked!” Isaac says he heard him loud and clear, darling. In private time, he says that he needs to be restrained from bitch slapping MexiJay and Fern says he should be sent home for saying that. Is is so wrong that a designer be asked to learn the craft of sewing? Isaac says you can’t just write recipes without knowing how to cook. Unless it’s a cookbook on peanut butter sandwiches, which I plan on releasing in the Fall. Do you know how many types of jelly are out there? Staggering, I tell ya.
They all hate Witch’s work, and no once can say one nice thing about Gayvitz. Isaac asks what’s worse, bad attitude or bad tulle? Question for the ages, mkay? The bottom three are called out. Gayvitz is safe cuz at least he had a vision. He’s so sweaty from nerves that his toupee is slipping.

Why does your forehead look so much smaller?

That’s bullshit, cuz his was by far the worst, and that’s quite a feat in this bag of dodos. Witch is told her look was completely unappealing and the only thing more appalling than MexiJay’s dress was his attitude. In the end, though, Witch is out! Byebye, darlink. AW! Everyone’s gonna wake up bald tomorrow. NotB gets all tudey with MexiJay and tells him to check himself before he wrecks himself. MexiJay apologizes while Witch says that she doesn’t know anything about Tinsley and doesn’t connect with her. Cuz that was the problem. It couldn’t be the tulle, or someone would have warned her against using it, right?

Hack singing isn’t enough to entertain you? How bout some hack comedy?!? The American Idol Judges’ Table is going to be put on display in the Smithsonian, and this coincides with Ben Stiller’s movie, Night at the Museum part 2, which coincidentally takes place in the Smithsonian. I took my niece to see the first one, and all she could say was “this is scary” and, when Stiller graced the screen, “he scary”. LOL. Agreed, niece. Agreed. Nice to know American Idol is going down in history, officially. I imagine it will be in the room with the petrified donkey dung from Egypt, 88 BC.

And we’re worried about the bombs in Palestine.

Four of the actors from the movie open the show, and the only one who gets any funniness in there is the dude from SNL, who quotes Paula. “You look fabulous.” “You’re wonderful.” “Where am I?” HAH. The rest of them tank. It’s to be expected though. They’re standing next to Ben. How is it that he always has a movie coming out during American Idol? And how many times will the producers let him come out and bomb? Why have I spent two paragraphs on this? This isn’t Inside the Hacktor’s Studio. This. Is American Idol!
Blake is in the audience, and I have my fingers crossed for one of his wiggy wiggy spit into the mic performances. After that opening I could use a good laugh. He’s sitting behind (I think) Kevin Bacon, which must be awkward cuz Bacon lost like eighteen billion dollars in the Bernie Madoff scandal. He looks appropriately dour.

Now we’re equals! We can borrow each other’s plastic jackets! Pinky link!

Tink thanks the actors for being there and no one applauds. LOL. Then he makes a joke about Simon’s baby t’s being donated to the museum next, and no one laughs. LOL again. We’re in for a fun night. Over 88 million votes came in last night. I suspect a lot of them were from awkward chunky girls like this one.

Nice oval, you twit.

There were only one million votes separating the top 2 tonight, which presumably means the loser got his ass kicked. If Hambert’s going home, he’s doing it in style. And by style I mean WOW. Have some makeup. He’s wearing even more than usual. Hey you guys, do you remember when Delta Burke was skinny? Why does Delta Burke show up in my recaps so often? I have no answer for that. Except to say

Con—–suELA!

Let’s say hello to the Judges and welcome our guest judge, Barney!

If you listen to him backwards, he’s just saying Hitler over and over again.

Skara does her Miss El Paso on a float wave, and it’s commendable that she’s going sleeveless with a hairy skin rash on her elbow.

Paula is in a sexy maid outfit with a giant was of foil on her finger,

…and Simon is all happy and winky. Or he’s just trying not to hurt both of his eyes by looking at Tink’s bleached teeth.

Now let’s watch this week’s Ford ad. It’s kinda rude.

They never would have tried to make Carrie feel ugly.

Just kidding. Those are real dogs, not just three versions of Church Lady Gokey. Have you ever wondered what Hambert would look like without makeup? Yikes. I won’t ever complain about the Mary Kay orgy on his face ever again.

By all means, pull out your Mary Kay bag.

All three guys are dressed like they’re at an Old Navy funeral. Danny’s face is priceless in this pic.

Then we’re given an idea of what Krispy Twink is gonna look like when his wife leaves him for the tall hot guy she’s been sitting with.

Don’t eat banana and peanut butter sandwiches on the pot. Consider yourself warned.

The set is the same as it is every week, but this time it’s filled with about twenty cars you’d be an idiot to buy.

Tink tells us that last night we saw what wonderful work Carrie Underwood’s been doing in Africa. What work? She kissed a baby, danced like a cracker, and then ran from a herd of villagers in her luxury SUV. Alicia Keys is here, and Simon’s like BFD.

Who’s that?

Alicia’s not singing tonight. HEY! RIP OFF! She’s here to tell us how shitty things are in Africa. You don’t say. Guess where else things are shitty? EVERYWHERE. Sing or leave the stage, lady, this isn’t the National Geographic Channel. She’s wearing so much moisturizer she looks like she’s wrapped in Saran Wrap.

I haven’t donated my own money, but I’ve given lots and lots of lotion.

Alicia is the head of some charity organization, and she asks us all to text a number that will charge five bucks to our cell bills. Damn, girl, It’s a recession! For five bucks I expect one of those little buggers shipped to me in a box. She’s brought a kid with her. A kid from Rwanda with a dream of making an album to help raise money for kids with HIV/AIDS. Great. Make him a rock star. Cuz that doesn’t lead to promiscuous condomless sex at all. It’s hard to understand her, but I think his name is Noah. He learned the English version of this song in one week! Wowee! My cleaning lady still doesn’t know what I’m saying, and she’s been with me for two years. Lazy heifer.
I can’t hear him sing, but it might be because he has eight backup singers. Way to show confidence in your find, Alicia! I think he’s drunk, cuz he keeps kicking his leg out and shouting “I’m fifty! Fifty years old!”

Noah’s super cute, and I can totally see Hambert in his plastic purple jacket. He doesn’t really have a strong grasp on …er…singing, but he sure is an energetic little tyke.
I don’t know what the hell this song is. All I can hear is “I am a mountain/I am a bean pole”. He jumps up and down a lot, then he raps, and then he does a Church Lady impression!

He goes to the judges’ table and shakes their hands, but then he rips wind.

Sorry! My bad! Don’t hold it against Africa!

What a cutie. I hope I never have to hear that again. I hope that Simon gets his other child star of the moment and holds a kid talent battle.

Sorry Alicia. I just texted money to Iran.

The final three are waiting backstage, and Church Lady is called out first.

Hot chicks always cover half their faces with Panama Jack hats. Go for her!

As he comes out, a silent clip of him plays on the screen. It’s not very flattering. He looks like a pudgy vampire with huge nostrils.

Tink interviews him. Church is feeling unsure. He went home to the cheese state, which is the most fitting state for him to be born in since there’s currently no state with the nickname pasty lesbians with glued on facial hair. He saw Gay Best Just Friends, Jamar, there. Tink asks the audience if they remember Gay Best Just, and they kinda clap. He was the one with TALENT and multiple piercings that got booted cuz no one close to him had died that month. LAME. Church Lady tells us what it was like seeing Gay Best Just again, and in typical Church Lady fashion, he takes waaaay too long to tell the story. Because “we hugged and caught up” is so fucking deep an answer.

We hugged.

Then we faced each other.

Then we climbed on top of each other.

Then he won the wrestling match and I got violated.

Then we pretended nothing happened and promised to hang out soon.

Now we are treated to Church’s trip home. His fans look just like him.

This is how you know Church is an a hole. This poor girl in plaid pants, a glitter top and a pink boa is the only one who chases his SUV limo and he won’t stop. But he does take the time to laugh at her. LOL. He’s an a hole, but at least he’s funny.

There are lots of under 10’s in his crowd. A camera man asks a little girl why she likes Church and she answers “cuz he’s cute, he has good glasses, and he lives in Milwaukee.” She even has glasses on her poster. Hilarious. Some people identify with Ham’s gayness, or Twink’s youth and plain yogurtness, or Gokey’s…glasses.

Reeeeach.

He knows he’s supposed to cry during his parade, but he can’t. Instead, he pokes his eyes with his thumbs to get some tears formed while showing his latest pair of Sally Jesse Raphael glasses.

He says the hardest thing about this is thinking of where he was ten months ago and how far he’s come. What ever could he mean by that? Back to the show. Tink mentions the song Paula chose for him and he looks up like “don’t make a bitchy face don’t make a bitchy face.”

Tink mentions his spastic dancing and he giggles, which annoys Simon.

He is sent to wait on the couch while Krispy is brought out. He went back to Arkansas and got free cheese dip for life at his favorite restaurant. Well, then it was all worth it. His crowd is even younger than Gokey’s. It looks like RompaRoom outside the news studio. This is when I have to pause and reflect. I am a thirty something year old man making fun of a show with what appears to be a four year old demographic. Fuck it. My next show will be iCarly. That bitch has it coming.
Krispy’s kind of a dope. He messes up a radio contest he’s helping with, and he has to be held so he doesn’t fall of the stage.

Who are you, Paula?

He doesn’t cry either! What gives with this heartless cast? He shows off his bald spot in front of his house, where his family waits for him. Damn, Arkansas! Horny much?

If it weren’t for towns like this, white people would be extinct by now.

His dad makes a butch joke about not wanting to kiss Krispy, but then he breaks down crying. AWWW!! This stresses Krispy out and he loses more hair right on the spot.

He performs for his college and sounds like crap, and then his wife gets to sit on the back of a car with him for his parade. He gets a ton of people to cheer for him, even some of Hambert’s base.

If there are any minorities anywhere in Milwaukee or Arkansas, we haven’t seen them tonight.

He sings the same song here, and does much better at showing off sideways face. His dad is interviewed and starts crying again.

Man up, Krispy Dad!

Krispy Wife is really sick of being with the rents.

We’re moving out of their house after this, right?

When we get back to the show, Krispy Dad is crying at the clips of him crying. Good Lord.

Tink repeats all of Krispy’s critiques from last night, and Randy seems surprised when he hears that he said the Kanye song was better than the original.

If you say so.

Krispy goes to the couch with Church, and now it’s time for Jordin Spanx!!! WOWEEEE!! I don’t think Jordin ever made it through one song on key in her entire season, so why start now? She cowrote this song with the dude from One Republic, and she looks great until she starts the robot dance. Wow, white girl. Don’t do that. The song asks “Why is love always like a battlefield?”, because apparently Pat Benetar never got an answer. Rip off! This also sounds a lot like “Umbrella”. I have to take a moment away from Jordin’s awkward stage presence, Rhianna imitation, and robot dancing to feel proud. For the first. Time. Ever. She’s wearing Spanx. A tear rolls down my cheeks. It’s not often that as a recapper you get to feel like you’ve actually made a difference.

There. Isn’t that better?

Spanx gives fierce woman faces to the camera, and she’s off with her chorus lip sync track. Come on now. Lip Syncing is one thing, but when you’re the winner of the singing contest you’re performing on? Towards the end it’s all her, and you can tell because she misses her runs. OY. How did this happen? In what’s becoming tradition, the camera man trips over a cord or something, and for a second I fear Spanx’ bad dancing has angered God enough to make the earth quake. Spanx looks better than she ever has. She’s lost five pounds or something, and now she won’t stop gyrating her pelvis at us. I still can’t listen to her without scrunching up my face. We get a shot of the fan signs, and the only one Church has in the crowd is the old chick with the straw hat. hahahah

Sign?

Hambert is called to the stage, and the audience won’t stop screaming. Tink says that a streaker came on stage during one of his hometown performances. HA of course she did. You will never, ever find that at a Krispy or Church show. He goes on a morning news show and the fag hag starved weather chick makes him show her how to put on makeup.

Pencil on some giant eyebrows, lather on ten pounds of base and borrow a wig from an old show horse like Liza. Done!

I probably shouldn’t admit this out loud, but I have these boots.

The difference between Ham’s crowd and the other two is pretty incredible.

Move it old lady. You’re blocking the Adam Bite My Apple poster.

He makes a stop at the children’s theater he did shows at as a kid and one kid asks him who does his hair. HAHAHAHAH. He doesn’t answer, which is even funnier. Then he goes to a football field, where he is loved by single people and couples alike.

Then some chick flashes him. The show needs to start changing these segments up. They all go home, stop by AT&T and get days named after them. It’s boring. Hey, there’s that Bite My Apple sign! Either the producers made the signs and are just reusing them, or someone’s getting their first stalker.

OMG I just saw boobies.

Then he goes to the Marine Corps and sings the National Anthem. Yizawn. Bring back Spanx! She was at least entertaining. Back to the show. Tink repeats all his critiques. Skara looks like she’s barely keeping her eyes open, and who can blame her?

Finally, the media’s starting to pay attention to the real issues.

Katy Perry’s next, but she’s not ready so Tink makes fun of her costumes and asks Church how nervous he is. Very. Now here she is! She starts in a Ham cape!! LOLOLLL. We are fans of who we identify with, which means we’re in for some very theatrical faux rock.

I don’t know who the hell this girl is, but she looks like Olive Oyl from the Popeye movie.

Her song sounds kinda like everything else that’s played on this show. Like you’ve heard it before but don’t care enough to figure out where. So is this who Megan Doi was trying to imitate? I at least see what she was going for, if not why. Katy sounds like she’s going over a very bumpy road. This song is three chords and doesn’t have any sustained notes, but she’s having trouble getting it out. Her staging and costumes are almost enough to make you not notice her crappy vocals, but not quite.

Nope. Still suck. Maybe ride an elephant?

Out of all the guests on this here singing show this season, how many were actual SINGERS? Stevie Wonder. He’s all I can think of. If you can name five, you will win a Diet Coke.

Simon got Paula’s makeup on his t-shirt! This plus the shoe story? How are news organizations going broke?

This blows. I can’t wait til I save up enough to go to the movies.

Finally for some results. The first one in the top 2 is….KRISPY!! YOWZA!! Good for him! Simon has a rude stunned smile on his face. OMG is it finally coming true?!? Is Church Lady OUT? No way. I won’t believe it til it happens.

Kris is happy, but probably disgusted too, cuz his parents are now making out.

OK GROSS.

Tink points out that Church has never been in the bottom three. Well he’s never been kicked off, either, but there’s a first time for everything! AND HE’S OUT!!!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Simon and Paula are happy, but the other half of the table is mortified. Especially Skara, cuz you know she wrote the finale song to work with his sappy ass growlshout. YAAAYYYYY!!!!

It seems as though Ham has replaced his twink with a new boyfriend. That guy isn’t wasting any time getting fame ass.

Meanwhile, Skara still can’t pull it together.

Dang, Skar, at least fake it!

Guess how his Later Loser montage begins?

Who’s that? He’s married?

He tries to keep a tight smile on his face, but he’s having trouble with it. During the montage, his voice over tells us that he’s a fairy tale story, cuz fairy tales are about people winning stuff even after going through hard times. But you lost. Shoulda waited before you recorded that fairy tale bs cuz now you just look dumb. He has tears in his eyes (so NOW you can cry), and his tight little arrogant Church Lady face is gone. BWAHAHAHA lata sucka! As he drones out his lame ass rendition of every mom’s favorite song, I can say one thing for him. At least he’s hot.

Kidding!

So what do you guys think? Are you as ecstatic as I am? I can’t wait to see Skara’s rewrite for Hambert. See you next week, when it all ends! Just think, one of the final two is going to be as successful as Jordin Spanx!! Crickets.