I worry for you, Nanahan! Stop slutting around and get your raisin to Vegas!

Since nothing really happened last week, or the week before that, or really ever on this show, there is no Previously Ons. Instead, we get snippets of what’s happening in this episode. Slohan explaining just how tough it is to make it in the music biz, a bunch of random interns the Maloof brothers put in charge of their empire running around giving advice like “believe in yourself” and “joo can do it!” and then finally the shot of Slow with giant headphones on her ears wailing “I’m tiiiiiiired!!!” I’m hooked. You?
We start this week with Dina McVana Lohan walking through the house telling no one in particular “hon, you wanna get that bag?” Slohan is starting to feel nervous about the recording trip to Vegas, and her little lesbian brother Cody Foster gives her some pretty good advice.

Hide.

Leaving is chaos. The dogs are barking, Cody won’t take the blanket off his head, and the biggest drama of all: while shading her nose to look pencil thin (good luck with that hon), Slohan falls down in the bathroom! Instead of helping her kid, Dina paces by, rolls her eyes, and shouts to that same no one in particular “SHE FELL! This is not. Happening.” Then she leaves. LOL. I think we can all agree by now that Dina McVana Lohan is a pretty shitty person, but I gotta tell ya, the bitch is growing on me. The bags are packed, the dogs are drugged. Let’s go! Slo hobbles down the stairs while her mom sighs and gets herself ready for the challenge ahead. “Here we go,” she says, as if even she’s having trouble making sense of all this in her head, “Next kid.”

In a flash, all their troubles are behind them and the girls are in Vegas. Dina is back enjoying her favorite hobby (curling up in a limo her kid paid for) and Slo is acting the part of the singer. Singing well? No. Drinking out of a water bottle. Suck on a Riccola and you’ll be right up there with Celine, kid. The family checks into a penthouse suite at the Palms and look! It’s Assistant Alexis! And she’s not wearing her usual argyle sweater! Atta girl! I think she was talked into coming back on the show when she was bought a new dress and given McVana’s old extensions.

A raise would have been nice, but 10 year old clips of Lindsays hair sewn to my head works too.

Before the screeching can begin, the Maloofs invite the Lohans to a big fancy Vegas party to honor Slo. They meet Slo’s producer, who you know is a giant cheeseball because A. He wrote a song that landed low enough in the barrel for Dina to scrape it up and B. His name is Emmanuel but he goes by Eman. Good Lord. I am sure I could get all the way to Z, but this is a TVgasm recap, not a Wikipedia page.
Big Maloof intoduces Ali as “the next big pop star” as Assistant Alexis eyes his butt. Also notice in the following pic that Jeremy is doing his best not to have a cross eyed spazm. I would be nervous too. They are surrounded by huge huge huge stars.

Is that Kid Crock in the background?

Big Maloof asks Slo what kind of music she wants to make, because it might be good to know that tomorrow when they start recording. She says she likes “rhythmic kind of music.” No one seems to know what that is, so she elaborates. She wants to sing hip hop and music that she and her friends (I assume she means the puppy) can dance to. He suggests that she start writing her own songs, since “that’s where the money is in the future.” She has a lot of life experience, so there’s a huge creative well to draw from. “My Mom Forced Me to Make an Ass of Myself in an All Black Theater” or “I Tricked My Mom Into Letting Me Have a Puppy” have nice rings to them, but she should definitely start with “My Nose.”
It wouldn’t be a Lohan party without paparazzi, so Dina calls her pals at Access Hollywood to send a newbie over. The reporter starts interviewing Kid Crock, but McVana slaps her in the back of the head and threatens her life if she doesn’t march her twiggy ass over to Slohan and get cracking. Poor Kid Crock. He just can’t get ahead. In her interview, Slo says that she knows the tabloids are always saying Dina forces her kids into whore’s lives, but it’s really the kids forcing her. Her mom is just helping her follow her dream! Aw. She’s so cute. I used to have a dream of roller skating down mountaintops. If my mom had helped me with that I would have thought she was the best mother ever. Even when I was in a body cast.

Fascinating. Are we done? Crock’s leaving.

Later that night, Slo sits on the balcony with Assistant Alexis for some real motherly affection. Alexis asks her how she’s feeling and Slo answers that it’s weird with all these people around paying attention to her, but she’s getting used to it. Advice: don’t. Before bed, Dina brings Ali a gift. It’s a necklace with a winged heart. She was gonna give it to Lindsay, but the little slut has stopped returning her calls, so like the discarded music career, it goes to Slo. McVana says that if anything freaks Ali out to just call mommy and she will send Alexis over to fix it. Awwww! I didn’t know this episode was going to be so heartwarming.
First thing in the morning, McVana has a meeting with the hardasses of the Maloof empire. Zoe and some other guy. They aren’t gonna kiss ass or pat heads. They are here to make sure that Ali gets her shit together and the Maloofs money isn’t wasted. I will call them the Goons. They sit Dina down and tell her that Slohan needs to focus and get her tracks in on time. In other words, keep your crap to yourself, lady. McVana’s face says that she doesn’t like being lectured.

Have you seen The Parent Trap, douchebags? All me.

This is the lady goon. She doesn’t say much. She looks scared shitless of McVana, and I don’t blame her. I can’t wait to see Lady Goon lose it. Her eyes might pop right out of her little head, and that’s television.

You’re so pretty. Are you Lindsay’s sister or her mom? I mean really!

Guy Goon finishes his lecture and McVana lets a second of silence pass to make sure he’s done. Her turn! She says that Ali is only 14, which means she’s a baby and they can’t force her to bullshit a recording career just to pay the mortgage on the Long Island house work twenty four hours a day. They need to give the girl “room to create”. LOL. That I gotta see. Guy Goon gives her a look that says “Did you hear one fucking thing I just said, lady?” Don’t worry, Guy Goon. You’ll get used to it.

Fuck with me and I’ll kill the puppy, lady.

After a pep talk from mommy (”fuck this up and I’ll kill the puppy, Ali”), Slo goes into the studio to practice her first song with the pianist. It’s half on key, which means she’s been practicing. Go, Ali! Eman doesn’t even let her finish. He’s heard enough. Everyone in the room starts clapping and telling her how awesome it sounds while Eman looks for a Folgers can for the poor kid to sing into. McVana claps and smiles tightly, looking like she’s trying to figure out how to make the advance check from the Maloofs last until she can get Lindsay on the phone.

She’s either channeling Carol Channing or she’s scared shitless. You decide.

McVana tells us that she is going to put her trust in the producer and leave the room. This way, she can blame someone else when Slo tanks and she can play some roulette with the advance check. Who knows? Maybe she’ll make enough to patch the wall that the huge fire ravaged. The first song aptly keeps repeating the phrase “falling down”, which just kills me. Ali is visibly nervous, and her wails are painful even to me and I only have to listen to little slivers. Eman must be planning his own suicide right about now. After each take, Ali rolls her eyes and jumps up and down. “That was so beeeead!” Eman finally tells her to have some self confidence. I hope she listens. It’s hard to kick someone when they’re down. I’ll do it, but I don’t like myself for it.
In the penthouse, Cody is bored off his ass. Dina asks him what he wants to do and the only thing he says is “soccer”. Come on you little lez, you’re in VEGAS, BABY! McVana considers taking the kid to some museums, but then settles on the next best thing. A lunch date with Lance Burton, renowned magician. Was Phyllis Diller busy? Lance does all sorts of sleight of hand tricks with plastic bunnies, and then he starts pulling silverware out of Dina’s face. She thinks it’s all fun and games until he gets a screw. Hey! That was supposed to be there! Put it back before her face falls off! The real magic here is Lance’s head shot. Dang, boy. If you could make yourself look like that I’d pay to see your show.

The disappearing waddle.

After Lance leaves, Dina looks at Cody with a big jack-o-lantern grin, like “see? Mommy loves you!” Cody Foster shrugs. “Can we play soccer now?” It’s been a couple of hours, and poor Slo is still trying to squawk out the first two lines of the song. Her vocal coach Susan is in the booth with her trying to pump her up and make her believe that she’s not making angels cry. Me thinks Susan is a con artist. If you take two hours and still can’t get out two damn lines, the vocal coach should be burned at the stake. Big Maloof, who is watching, seems to agree with me. He no look happy. Slo keeps whining “that was beead! Don’t looie! It was ooowaful!” Susan jumps up and down and spouts positive reinforcements, but no one’s buyin’. She gets annoyed and tells Ali that she better start believing in herself like everyone else does. It’s not like all these people don’t have anything better to do. “There’s food here!” LOL, Sue.

Oh Eman. Now you’re gonna work even less.

To the studio’s chagrin, Ali takes off her headphones and tries not to cry. The stress is killing her. She’s not confident and she’s scared of what everyone’s gonna think about her when this album comes out. Well, it’s a little late for that, but I do feel for Slo. I give her a lot of crap here, but she is just a fourteen year old girl who’s way in over her head. It’s a dilemma. When you see a fly on your window sill, you swat it. When you see a baby fly, do you swat it? OF COURSE YOU DO! You might feel horrible about it, but you know that if you don’t swat it, it will just grow into an adult fly and it will be all over shit and buzz in your ear and annoy you. I forgot what my point was. Oh yeah. Ali’s crying.
The Maloofs ask Eman how Ali’s voice is for a 14 year old and he says that it’s great (cough) but he’s getting annoyed with her negativity. The Maloofs don’t care about that. They just wanna know how much they stand to lose. Let’s put it this way. Stick to slots.
Montage of McVana taking Cody Foster all over Vegas. He brings his soccer ball everywhere with him, which is adorable and sad. They go to the Liberace Museum, the arcade at the Luxor, and finally the wax museum. The best part is when Elvis takes a picture with the wax McVana. Wait. Other way around? Dammit. Who’s dead? I can’t tell the diff. They both look so lifelike.
Back in the studio, Eman decides to have a talk with Ali. He walks to the booth glass and asks if he can tell her a story. She rolls her eyes and sits back to listen. “All the greatest singers are the hardest workers, Ali.” She gives him a thumbs up and says “great story. Thanks. When am I done?” L. O. L. Eman lets her go on break and tries coming up with a better story.

Maybe I can organize a lunch with Lance Burton.

Slohan comes back from her break and twirls around and plays with her hair. She gets back in front of the mic when an announcement from Eman comes through the speakers. “You’re done. For the day.” Instead of feeling like a total tool, she gets all excited. He pulls her into an office and gives her a speech. She has a modicum of talent and could be really decent at this if she stopped acting like a spoiled bimbo brat and made an effort. He tells her that after this recording process, she might be one thousand times better. You could be good! She laughs and jokingly asks “so I’m not great now?” He doesn’t answer. HAHA Eman. Slo looks like this is the first time she has ever considered the possibility that she’s not Pavarotti.

I dare you to say that again in front of mommy.

Ali goes to the empty penthouse and calls Dina, who is still out on the town with Cody Foster. Not hearing the despair in Slohan’s voice (or not caring), McVana goes on and on about how much fun they’re having. Slo starts crying. “No faaaair! You guys did everything! I didn’t do anythingggg!!! WAAAAHH! No faaiiir! I’m tiiiiired!” What a brat. McVana says that she’s on her way home and they can go to some clubs and get wasted to make up for time missed. Actually, she promises “down time”, but I have a feeling that’s what she meant. On her way home, Dina wonders how she’s gonna pay the mortgage. If she was paying any attention at all, she would have noticed the marquee on the cab next to her and realized that she could be the one with a career if only she’d admit that she’s not twenty.

Where fake Rockettes go to die.

When she gets back to the penthouse, McVana explains to Slo that being an untalented star is even harder work than being a real star and if she doesn’t want to do it, they can hand the Maloofs back their sack fulls of money. Slo decides that she will continue to record even though it means missing Elvis posing with her mom.
McVana pulls Eman aside and tells him to treat Ali with kid gloves and to give her ten minute breaks. It will make all the difference in the world. Also, if you have some ear plugs and some demerol, that would help too. Then, she takes Slo to a big huge stage in the hotel and lets her sing along with her own recording to get the feel of what singing on a huge stage might be like. Wow. Two horrible voices at once. There’s always a bargain to be had at the Palms. Thanks, Maloofs! The audience is empty. They really are making this as realistic as possible. All that’s missing are rotten tomatoes splatting all over the stage.
The next day, McVana joins her kid in the studio and brings her false confidence with her. Slohan does a million times better than the day before. Sure, a million times zero is zero, but who’s doing math? Certainly no one in this family. She sounds not as sucky, is my point. And after some pro tools effects, then some live effects, and then some reason effects, she’s put back through the photoshop effects and when everyone gathers to listen to the final product, it doesn’t sound like the Holocaust. I mean that as a compliment. This kid is gonna make it!
Next week, Cody Foster gets shy at a party full of Playboy Bunnies and asks his mom for makeup and a training bra. See you then!!

Mom, I think I like girls.

PS - Guys it’s been awhile since I made you a new ringtone for your celly. This is Slohan at her most brilliant. Enjoy and LOVE!
This one is for your iPhone:
And this one is for your MP3 cell (Blackberry, etc.):

Your daughter just raped you.

This week Dina McVana Lohan starts by telling us that photographers are coming over today to a shoot of her and Ali for Vanity Fair. Gotcha! I meant Animal Fair. What, did you think Vanity Fair just gave up on life or what? They won’t be doing this shoot because Dina is an uncontrollable fame whore with no boundaries, but because “we love animals…” that get us into magazines. What really kills me about this is that just last week, McVana was telling us how important it was that she was trusting Access Hollywood with Ali’s story because she has never ever ever let cameras into her home before. I guess once the seal was broken she became a house shooting slut.
ANYOOOO, she’s getting about thirty pounds of makeup put on to make her look like less cro mag and tells the young Jodie Foster to go let the “reporters” (sorry for the quotation marks, Animal Fair people, but you write for Animal Fair.) in and warn his sis that it’s almost shoot time. He won’t leave the room, because watching 100 pounds of pancake being carefully applied to his mom’s face is just too damned entertaining. I don’t blame him. It’s like watching the Statue of Liberty being restored. Finally, McVana threatens to put him in make up if he doesn’t do as he’s told. The threat worked on the real young Jodie Foster, and it works on Cody too. What a lesbian.
He leaves, but instead of trying to pull his sister, Slohan, away from desperately shading her nose to look as thin as Lindsay’s, he calls Mike Lohan. Unfortunately, it’s not the in and out of prison father Michael, but his son. Cody says that he’s being forced to do more girl stuff and just wants to spend some time bonding. Guest appearance! From the clip we saw of Mike last week, he’s as interesting as drywall, but it will be fun to see how McVana tries to market a visit home.
The photographers arrive and it’s McVana’s time to shine. Just in case the “reporters” forget why they’re there (payoff and the promise of a possible Lindsay cameo, no doubt) Dina insists that the shoot is done in the room that most represents her as a dog lover. The Lindsay shrine.

Two sets of twins.

The “reporter” asks a lot of really important questions, but the rule (from what I can gather) is they all have to be asked in cute dog themed ways. “Do you feel like you’re working like a dog?” “Do you have to go tinkle or doody?” McVana fields these toughies like a pro. When she is asked how she juggles managing the busy careers of her daughters while taking care of five dogs, she shrugs and says “ya just do it.” Fascinating. If the “reporter” was worth her beans, she would have dug a little deeper (get it?) and found Alexis doing the actual work. Unfortunately though, Alexis the Assistant isn’t allowed on camera because she still hasn’t changed out of that fucking argyle sweater she wears every single week.
Slohan doesn’t have much to say (I know you’re shocked by that development) and starts scratching her face and rubbing her butt across the carpet. Dina shouts firm “NO!”s and threateningly rolls up a newspaper, but the kid won’t listen. Even the dogs are looking at her like she’s the biggest moron in the world. Dina excuses her to take care of that hideous itch in private while the “reporter” asks if running from reporters and trying not to get caught peeing behind a bush is stressful, and McVana’s answer is that she was in show business back in her day and then, no one gave a crap where you crapped but now it’s a different world. Yeah, back in 1919 reporters didn’t chase funny looking twigs who pretended to be Rockettes in their back yard.
Slohan screams from the next room. Dina looks like she is gonna kill her. She’s being humiliated in front of “reporters”! “REPORTERS!” Slohan needs some Benadryl. Her butt is out of control and she’s ruining all the carpets. Dina rolls her eyes and looks at the “reporter”, and asks “Where’s Alexis?” Uh, she’s probably in the city somewhere scraping Blohan off a sidewalk or doing your shopping or spying on the Olsen Twins waiting for her chance to hit them with poison darts so they can figure out the formula of their “essence”. How the fuck should the “reporter know? Get off your ass and hand your kid some itch cream before her butt falls off.

When I won my Oscar, newspapers hadn’t been invented yet. Wait… WHAT GODDAMIT MOMMIES LIVING HER DREEEAAAAAM!!! Sorry, that little bitch never stops yapping.

The reporter, starting to sense just how difficult it can be being McVana, asks if it’s easier to train her dogs or her kids. Dina shurgs and whispers conspiratorially “Let’s face it, they all suck.” And then all hell breaks loose. The dogs get into a fight, Slohan’s butt starts bleeding from dragging it on the floor, everyone’s yelling and screaming and…..credits. When we come back after the parade of advertisements from companies desperate enough to buy time during this train wreck (Hooked on Phonics, Alpo, Proactiv), Cody is on webcam with Mike Jr, begging him to come.
And poof. Mike’s home! But there’s a catch. He’s brought home his girlfriend, Nina, who is homely as hell until she puts on makeup and turns into the cutest girl ever. She tells us how she met Mike. They did laundry at the same time and she accidentally took his spooge towel to her dorm room to wash her face. He came rushing in to warn her, but by that time she had already broken out in severe face herpes, so she decided she might as well date him and get some free dinner out of the deal. Awwww! Romance.
Mike has brought Nina home before, but they have only been short visits so he’s not sure that she has had the proper taste of what they’re really about. In other words, she’s still with him and they haven’t had a fight about his hideous mother yet so there must be something wrong with her. He hopes to get her marinated in McVana this time to find out if she can really take it. Only when he knows he’s found his true love can he get married, move to another country and change his name.
Mike tells us that since his dad was always in and out of prison their lives, he knows how important it is for a little lesbian boy to have a role model, so he comes home from college as much as he can to be with Cody. The phrase “at college” is used about twenty times in five minutes, as if no one in the Lohan family can quite believe that one of theirs is being properly educated. Montage of boy bonding. Teasing Slohan, playing soccer, zzzzzzzzzzwhyisthisshowstillontheair. Somehow, watching her brothers play leads Slohan to today’s plotline: “I WANT A DOWAG!” They already have five dogs, but you see, none of them is really hers. How many people are hoping her itchy butt causes her to bleed to death? Raise your hands.

Look inside of yourself for your own dog, grasshopper.

Mike sits with Dina and Nina (how cute) in the kitchen talking about how Cody needs a father figure. It’s hard to take Dina’s “normal everyday mom” bs on an average day, but it’s downright hilarious when she’s all done up for her photo shoot. Mike recites his expected “I love my brother and will always be there for him” route, but poor Nina has nothing to say. She can’t stop staring at Dina’s ratted out hair.
Mike tells us how hard they’ve had it as a family. What with McVana’s time in court…

But seriously, she’s dying on the inside.

Lindsay’s rough life…

How would you feel if your own mother cut off your hair when you were sleeping and made extensions out of it?

Ali and her unfortunate face…

Nuff said.

And then there’s Cody. He has to deal with all this crap and big fat softball playing ladies keep offering to buy him dinner for no reason.

I loved you in Panic Room! Olive Garden later?

Oh what ever will become of this sad, needy family? Later that night, Mike plays daddy. He tucks Cody in, gives Slohan shit about not gambling in Vegas (how can she when she has to WORK!?!), and robs a liquor store for money to pay for his drugs. Woah, Mike. You can just play daddy without playing your daddy. Jeeze. The next morning, Mike hones in on Slohan’s dog problems. No, he doesn’t buy her a paper bag. Don’t be rude. Ali wants a dog. Well, if she gets one, is she gonna feed it? Is she gonna pick up it’s poop? Of course not. And that’s a problem because….has Mike been gone so long that he’s forgotten all about Assistant Alexis? What’s the hell does she make money for if not to pick up this family’s crap? I do have to say though, as hideous as this family is to me, their dogs are hilarious. This show should be about them.

Someone has to feed them.

Ali finds Dina pretending to do dishes in the kitchen and asks for a dog. Dina’s like OH HELL NO!!! “You don’t even help Alexis me with the dogs we have now.” Then Slo throws a fit, complete with jerky arms and stampy feet. “I WANT A DOWAAAAAG!” As Bernie Mac once advised, “America, beat your children.” Dina stays firm, so Slo kicks her in the spine and runs up the stairs, slamming her door behind her. Dina goes up and sits on the edge of her bed, giving a really heartwarming speech about respect and earning what you want. Kidding! She tells her she hates being yelled at and then slams the door twice as hard as Slo did.
Slo invites her cousin over to witness her rebellion. She gets online and finds a pet store selling the biggest idiot bimbo dog in the world, the micro mini maltese. Girls like this make me want to stomp those purse dogs like bugs. She and cuz drive to the store and Ali finds the pup she wants. The puppy stares at her nose long and hard and whines, as if to say “you should really do something about that,” but Slo loves it anyway and spends more than my rent on it.
When she gets back home, she stands by the front window with the puppy and waits for Dina to get back home. When she does, she gets all excited and runs to the door to greet her mom with the new dog. McVana flips her lid and says the dog has to go back. Slohan simpers off whining “GAAAAWD” and McVana picks up the phone to call Page Six about it. Daughter defies mother with bimbo purse dog. The world will be riveted.
Nanahan comes to the house to do some mothering, since no one else seems to know how to do it. HOLLA NANAHAN!! She tells Dina that “no means no” and what Slohan has done is as bad as rape. Dina counters that with all the pain Slo’s been going through what with the mean girls and all, maybe having something to love and comfort would be a help. Nanahan calls “cop out”, and says again that no means no. Dina says that she will give Slo 24 hours to prove herself. If the dog’s not dead, the kid wins. OY. Nanahan says if she wants to let her kid rape her then fine.
Dina goes up to Slo’s room and finds her pouting. She says she can keep the dog if she picks up poop and walks it. Montage of Slohan picking up poop while squealing and then walking six dogs. Dina informs us that she is really impressed with how responsible Ali’s being today and she really admires her. God I fucking hate these people. Dina says that the dog can stay. Cut to Cody walking all the dogs. LOL. Poor kid.

He just stood in the crosswalk for ten minutes waiting for someone to run him over. Can you blame him?

Nina has basically been hiding out and reading magazines in Mike’s room, which sounds like a plan to me. He goes up to pack their clothes so they can leave the next day. She tells him that she wants to go see her own family that night before they go, and he has a shit fit because the whole reason they’re there is to see his family. They have issues with trust and want to know that Nina will be there through thick and thin, and she’s sending a bad message by going to see her family. What a shit head.
I don’t know why I’m surprised. I also have to point out that Mike can’t just say a fucking sentence. It’s always “to my surprise” or “the mere fact is” or “medulla oblongata”. As I type the words, I can see that they aren’t that big, but in comparison to the rest of the yokels on this show he’s talking like he’s trying to be a snooty asshole. Gross. We get it. You go to colleg. He tells Nina that her wanting to go home means he has to drive her which takes time away from his family. EW. Please go home. E! has filled it’s quota of egotistical selfish assholes.
Slo keeps casually passing by the open door trying to listen, and then runs down to tell Dina about the fight. What’s it about? “Like, I don’t know it’s just like fighting or something about fighting.” Dina declares this an emergency. Someone is getting camera time without her, and she hasn’t approved it. Get a Maloof on the phone.

Fighting is like fighting and it’s wowang when fights happen over I don’t know what but wow fighting MOOOOOOMMMM.

The “fight” continues, which is basically more of what we’ve already heard. Mike gets to be more and more of an asshole and Nina tries not to cry. Then this commercial comes on, which makes me wonder how many retards Dina is managing at once.

You know this nitwit has to be on the Lohan clock.

Dina agrees to take Nina to the train (how generous. The train. Don’t want you to have to get on the freeway, dick) and tells her in the car that time apart is a good thing. I mean look at her. The first guy she was in love with died in a car wreck and the second guy she was in love with turned out to be a total cock face. I don’t know how this is supposed to make the girl feel better, but thanks for the ride, mama cro mag.
When Dina gets home, she goes up to Mike’s room and tries to cry. It doesn’t work, but she does her best to squeeze some kind of look onto that face other than stoic Indian while she cracks her voice. She says that Nina just doesn’t understand what it’s like coming from fame and fortune and if she did she would never want to see her own family. Her advice? If she doesn’t get it, then she’ll never get it. Uh…..anyways, next week on Living Lohan, I come one step closer to suicide. See you then!!!

Got me again, Nanahan!

We start with Mama Dina McVana Lohan being very normal. Do snooty tooty stars pour themselves a glass of milk? No. Normal every day moms do. She has to make sure her bones are strong enough to walk the streets pimping her kids. Slohan’s short bus comes to a stop outside the house and Ali comes in without saying hi, going straight to her room and slamming the door. McVana, ever the sensitive mom, comes bounding up the steps after her yelling “Slo? Slo? Slohan? Slo? Slo? Slo? Slo? Slo?” Me thinks she’s ignoring you, lady. She lets herself into the bedroom and asks Ali what’s wrong. “NOTHIIIING—UH!”
McVana sits on the edge of the bed and gives Slo a nice long talk about expressing your emotions and working out your spiritual muscles as much as your physical ones. Kidding! She shouts about having no reason to be yelled at and then storms out, slamming the door behind her. There should be a Mother of the Year Ball every night.
Dina goes downstairs to get her mind off being dissed and on her very busy self googling “work day”. If that spoiler clip hadn’t opened the show, my first guess would be that Slo got her first girl time. I’d be worried to get my first period in that house too. Dina would see it as a looming expiration date and start sending Cody to tap class. Ali’s school calls and tells McVana that some mean girls were abusing Slohan all day. Dina smiles big. Mean Girls was a Blohan blockbuster! HOLLA! She catches the worried, semi-judgmental look on Assistant Alexis’ face and gets back to the conversation at hand. “We’re they making fun of her nose? I’m trying to get it fixed tell them to get off our ASSES!!”
She tells the school lady that she is going to keep Ali home for a day or two until they can resolve the Mean Girls’ (HOLLA!) situation. I don’t know what that’s going to do. You can’t rebirth and re-raise a child in a couple of days, which means that the girls will still have plenty to make fun of. She’s screwed. Dina makes a joke that she’s gonna call Tina Fey about writing Mean Girls 2 for Slohan to star in, as if she hasn’t been making that call every day since 2004.

Sorry, but she’s still too old. Is Nanahan available?

Dina tells us that the family is constantly getting hang up calls and random AIMs and texts that she only returns if they’re from 20 year old males. And she’ll only date them if they have some ambition. She’ll sleep with them if they work ou….wait. Where were we? Oh yeah. The torture of Slohan. Not only do they get the calls and txts, McVana says, when Ali’s at school the other kids serenade her with Wineho’s “Rehab”. She rolls her eyes and then adds “Oh who am I kidding? I love that song!”
Alexis says that sure the kids taunt Slo, but “look where she’s going!” Alexis never speaks her disapproval of Dina’s rearing aloud, but I took this statement to mean “taunting is the least of it. She’s going to an early grave if she continues on this sick path”. McVana, of course, takes it as “the nameplate on Scarlett Johansson is about to be changed, f those bitches.” I have to admit that I kind of hope Slohan does make it big, if only to buy her mother extensions that match the rest of her hair. I think Lindsay’s just written the poor woman off.

These extensions are a symbol of struggle, people!

Up in her room, Slohan is making all sorts of pouty faces at the camera and staring at her blank MacBook. She tells us that music like always like kinda really gets her through the like rough times because she writes music. Dear God, please let us hear at least one Slohan original before this season ends. Love, Flipit. I think “I Almost Died in an Electrical Fire While My Mom Had Her Hands Down a Twenty Year Old’s Pants” has a nice ring to it, personally, but I’m no Randy Jackson.
The next day McVana gets a call on her celly from one of the evil girls’ moms, apologizing for her daughter’s behavior. Dina is impressed that the woman called her, and she returns the goodwill by telling the woman that she is mortified that the girls did whatever they did in the middle of the lunch room and that the school is considering suspension. Thanks for calling! Slap your brat for me!
Nanahan is waiting for Dina in the car (Jeez, McVanna, at least crack a window!) and has some sage words about the teen torture. Get over it. People suck. Lindsay went through the same thing, and look at her!

Sticks and stones may break my bones but then I smoke and snort them and feel better.

Later that night, Slohan starts receiving a barrage of prank calls and txts (most likely from the bored producers) saying “YOU SUCK, SLO!” She’s with Assistant Alexis, who advises her over and over again to be the bigger person and just ignore it instead of saying what she really feels: “You think your life sucks? I have to wear the same goddamn argyle sweater every day and I have no chance of getting away from this hellhole long enough to find a man so just shut the fuck up you whiny little princess!” Slo doesn’t like the “turn the other cheek” advice. Instead, she turns her cheek to another adult woman in the house. One who will burn some shit to the ground if she gets mad enough. MOMMY!
Dina seems a little annoyed that she has to take time out of her frantic searching through Page 6 for more whining, so she kinda waves Ali off and tells her to start writing down the offending numbers. They can take a little road trip together and etch them into bathroom walls in truck stops across Long Island. Ali calls one of the numbers back from her mom’s phone and is ready to tell someone off but it’s one of her friends. HAHAHA. Not a good enough friend to be in her phone book, but not one of the gremlins. And then here’s where all this has been leading to. Slohan wants to be home schooled.
Wow. Is every single episode going to be an excuse from Dina about how she raises her kids? The first episode was the “Why I’m a Bitch” episode, the second was the “How the Press is Under the Mistaken Impression That I Am a Party Mom When All I Did Was Go To One Lousy Mother of the Year Ball”, and this one is the “Why Most of My Kids Don’t Graduate High School” episode. Stay tuned for next week. You know the “In Actuality, My Kid’s Nose Was Broken Fifteen Times Naturally Not by Doctors” episode can’t be too far behind.
Over a game of soccer where Ali kicks the ball OVER the net, LOL, Cody suggests that she just ignore the bitches. She hates that advice, so Cody goes to ask Nanahan what they should do. She suggests that Ali ignore the bitches. Dammit. Why is no one suggesting she never go to school again? Family really sucks sometimes.

Just ignore those c**ts, wuss.

Later that night, McVana goes to her oldest son, Michael, for advice over video chat. He had trouble in highschool because Blohan was becoming a star and all his friends were jerking off to her pictures right in front of him and laughing about it, which can’t be easy. Who wants to see that? He says that Ali will learn who her real friends and root out all the fakes. If that fails, buy her a puppy. They generally don’t jerk off in front of you and when they do, it’s in a funny way on a pillow or something. Thanks, Mike!
Finally at her wits end with Slohan’s complaining, Dina gets on Google to find somewhere to ship her. At least in the afternoons. She finds a place called Impact Theater. The pics she sees online are a bit odd. They are of black kids singing, dancing, and pop locking. Sure enough, I looked that shit up. Here’s a description from their own web page: “IMPACT Repertory Theatre is one of the oldest Black, not-for-profit theatre companies. IMPACT has produced Central Park, a performance piece based on the tragic episode following the 2000 Puerto Rican Day Parade; and a music soundtrack to The Long Walk to Freedom and Harlem Is…” LOLOLLLL. No, black kids won’t make fun of the loaf of scrawny ass whitebread you popped out. Save the Last Dance was just a movie, McVana!

Good call, MORON.

Nanahan’s gotta see this shit. She joins McVana and Slohan on the car ride, and after a Dina/Ali smack down about putting nail polish on in the car (Dina: “I’m allergic to that smell! When she’s having an asthma attack do I come home from the club and help her? No, but I don’t blow cigarette smoke down her throat, either!”), she asks her granddaughter what exactly the kids are making fun of her about. Good question, Nanahan. I was wondering the same thing.
Slohan doesn’t really have an answer, except that her mom says they’re just jealous. Why, she asks, would people be jealous of her? Silence as Nana and Dina try and come up with something that doesn’t sound like total bs. You can’t just say “you’re mildly retarded and just have to live with it” without starting a whole big drama in this family. Nanahan comforts the girl by regaling her with stories about how she was made fun of when she was in school, too. Dina and Ali are both fascinated. “Was it because you’re so old?” Ali asks. “You know kids, they like to make fun of what color you’re wearing.” Uhhhhh….yeah. Damn kids. Ugly sweater colors are totally what started Columbine.
Nana’s mom was a seamstress, you see, so the kids were always making fun of her clothes. AAAWWWW! I am not sure if this is true or if Nanahan’s digging memories out of a late night viewing of Pretty in Pink on cable, but either way she’s the sweetest ever. When McVana was young, she was made fun of too. They used to call her “spider legs”, which is a hell of a lot better than cro mag, which would have been my first choice.

McVana tells her kid that everyone gets made fun of when they’re young. She’s only getting it worse because her sister’s famous. So let’s go avoid the press at a nice safe all black theater. Woops, sorry! I called the press! McVana is such a famewhore that I am more than disgusted by her. I am oddly proud of her. Bitch doesn’t miss a chance.

Hey! You said Moesha would be here!

There is a very talented group rehearsing inside, and Slohan looks thrilled to be there.

I’m so not Julia Styles right now.

There is some soul singing going on about raising yourself without a dad and the big huge girls wail that shit to the rafters. Behind them, there are girls dancing the way only proud awesome blacks chick can. With pride, jerks and floor slaps. Dina tells us how touched she is by all this. See, Ali? All these kids come from different walks of life (than you) and they just sing (way better than you could ever dream of doing) and emote (about pain a spoiled little white brat like you will never get). They’ll love you!

Everyone is really nice to her. They form a dance line and try to show her how to not move like she’s made out of wood. It doesn’t work, but they don’t push her down or razz her for it. They aren’t even paying attention to her because her mother is in the center of the floor twirling and giggling for the camera and Nanahan is in the back of the room with her hands down a big hot black man’s pants. Nanahan is my fucking hero, man.

What, you thought I was kidding?

On her way out, Ali smiles for the cameras and instead of getting in the car and bitching Dina out for being the worst mother ever, giggles and tells us that she had fun even though she looked like a fool. I make fun of this girl to no end, but she really is sweet. And slow. Very very slow. One day she’s gonna wake up and realize what her mother’s done to her and she’s gonna snort Manhattan.
Sue the vocal coach comes over the next day. She hands Slohan a tin can and has her whisper vowels into them, which should be good enough for the album. Instead of getting to hear the kid actually sing, we cut to a friend talking to McVana in her bed. The friend lost a kid to meningitis, which is horrible and I will not make fun of her except to say that a tragedy is no excuse for a bad perm. She tells Dina that Ali has “so much talent and fire”, which is slick because you know she’s referring to last week’s blazing inferno. She adds that Dina should be really happy with what she has and Dina’s like yeah. You lost a kid so I won’t complain that mine’s not making enough money yet. Even I’m not that insensitive.
Back in Ali’s room, she and Sue pull out a book of Dina’s friend’s poetry. Desperate for material? Maybe my mom’s friend has some pain left untapped in her journal. Ali decides to make a song out of one of the poems called “My Back Hurts”, and when she wails it out, my head does too. All the women are crying and begging her to stop, and she says that they inspire her and she can’t wait to put this tune on her album. George Maloof’s head is gonna fucking explode by the end of this series.

Divine Secrets of the Blah Blah Sisterhood.

The next morning, McVana is on the phone trying to drum up some publicity, and she has decided for the first time ever, she will allow cameras in her home. Uh, is this a flashback? Nope, she’s not referring to the full on camera crew that’s there now, she means she’s never allowed two full on camera crews into her home, I guess. See? The woman has limits.
This time the cameras belong to Access Hollywood. She sets the date and hangs up. Then she tells Slohan that the press is coming and that if she isn’t comfortable with that then she should say so now. After the date’s been set. Sensitive. Slo’s cool with it, but Dina’s worried that she isn’t gonna know how to deal with the big boys. “Maybe you could teach me…” says Ali. McVana tells us that she never had to deal with this with Lindsay because “there was no tabloid weekly”. Huh? WTF is she talking about? Lindsay became famous in 1998 for fuck’s sake. Maybe she meant to end “there was no weekly tabloid” with “who’s throat I had to shove her down and beg to make her a star.” At least that would make some kind of sense. Anyhow, McVana graciously agrees to school her daughter in the art of tabloidism.
They sit together on the couch and Dina starts rapid fire questions. “What’s Lindsay like?” “Do you get mad when people call you Lindsay?” “Why doesn’t Lindsay ever call her mother?” “LIndsay?” “Lindsay?” “Who starred in The Parent Trap remake?” “What rhymes with Windsay?” “If you could be any girl named Lindsay in the world, who would it be?” “Why don’t you look like Lindsay?” “What’s your favorite color?”
The most revealing answer Ali gives is “They used to ask me what it was like being Lindsay’s sister, but now they call me Ali. So that’s good.” This kid is the next Hillary Clinton. McVana tells her that the most important answer she needs to know is “I would rather not answer that question.” It’s really done wonders for Lindsay. The dogs come up to cuddle with Slo, which is adorable until one of them barks “You suck, Ali!”

So much for my sweet puppy theory.

Little Jodie Foster lookalike, Cody, enters to ask a hard hitting question: “Why does everyone call me a lesbian?” Slo says she would rather not answer that question. He runs out of the room crying, but McVana gives her a high five.
This has nothing to do with the recap so if you hate that stuff just skip this part. I am writing this in a coffee shop and at the table next to me there is this sweet looking little gay dude having coffee with an old kinda ugg gay dude. The young one is going through a laminated book with starving children in it. Like a catalogue of sorts. I can see the words “you make the difference!” The young one is giving the older one a big spiel about helping the children and really needing his help and what it means to be a good person and all and the older one is answering “Well, I wanna help you. If you need my help then…” and the young one is just smiling coyly. What a fucking racket. I feel like just reaching over there and slamming the book on the ground. He’s not gonna fuck you, troll, save your money! The book is closed now. It says GCM on the cover, and when I google it I find out that GCM is a group of missionaries. In the dead center of Hollywood. With a Living Lohan billboard right outside the window I SWEAR TO GOD. The older guy caves and they shake hands. “Will you tell anyone how much I give you?” The young one just half smiles, as if saying “I would rather not answer that question.” Dina McVana Lohan has trained this whole fucking town. Sorry for that but there’s no one around but you and I had to tell someone.
Moving on, the next morning Access Hollywood comes over. Stacey London’s on that show now? I know her from What Not To Wear. When that show first came on, my room mate used to say Hey Stacy. What Not To Wear: Your Face. Stacey took her advice. That is not the same face. I hope there’s not another fire, cuz the plastic on the girl would explode the block. She does ask Ali if she’s learned from Lindsay’s troubles, and Ali doesn’t have any answer but a scrunched up face. Then she says that she doesn’t want people to think she’s spoiled because she’s Lindsay’s sister or anything. She’s very down to earth. Stacey looks like “man I have really sold my soul to the devil” but smiles through this painful interview as tightly as possible. Then Ali tells her that two girls at school were suspended for cursing at her and wow. Dina did a really shitty job training this kid. Ali talks about the rigors of fame, which she knows NOTHING ABOUT.

Well, hon, TMZ has slow days, too.

Proud of her big TV moment, Ali smiles and tells us that she’s not gonna let mean girls get to her anymore. From now on, she will just get them kicked out of school. Stacy finishes with “what’s the most important thing you’ve learned from Lindsay?” Slohan’s answer? This is a direct quote: “Take the high road.” This show is too awesome for it’s own good.

Looks like you might make it to Heaven first after all, Nanahan.

Previously, Dina McVana Lohan and the child she’s currently trying to sell, Slohan, were surprised to find out that the douchebag who wore huge plastic sunglasses inside to brag about his Apple Loops was, in fact, a douchebag. They’re on it, these two.
We pick up where we left off last week, with Slohan reading douchebag hanger on, let’s call him Hanger, the riot act. In case you missed it or blacked it out, Hanger gave an interview (I know, I was wondering why the f someone was interviewing him too) hinting that he was dating Lindsay. He told the interviewer that he was getting texts from both Blohan and Slohan and that Slohan was playing matchmaker. LOL. Hanger is talking really fast and blinking his eyes real hard and saying he wants a chance to set the story straight, but when Slohan shuts up for a second he stays quiet, looking bewildered. And kinda gross. No wonder he wears those huge sunglasses. He’s way cuter that way.

Wait! Wait! Stop talking! …Forgot what I was gonna say. Carry on.

Hanger grabs his little pleather satchel and leaves, so Slohan goes to the ever suffering assistant, Alexis, to unload. She mostly repeats the same blabber that she spewed at Hanger, but Alexis has that all knowing smile that says “lol you thought that dude wanted to do you.” I like Alexis. Mostly because she seems to know how ridiculous her bosses are and says it all with her face. She’s the model employee unless you’re really paying attention to her mug.
Anyway, Slohan whines and stutters and Alexis says that when you’re famous you never really know who your friends are. I mean, if Ali wasn’t a (sister to a) huge star, who would her friends be?

Instead of leaving, Hanger just goes outside to stew and play basketball. He tells us that he’s not the type to fake being friends with a huge celebrity to make himself look better. He’s just the type to AIM a desperate sex starved cougar until she agrees to try and use his crappy 80’s tracks and get him on camera when she’s shooting her really low reality show on E! Yes, Hanger, you’re class all the way. For Slohan to not see that, the girl must be really, well, slow. Then he gets all manly and makes a slam dunk into Cody’s three foot high hoop. And the crowd roars. What are you still doing there? Waiting for the bus? Go home!
Dina gets home and Slohan still hasn’t stopped babbling. Instead of going outside and ripping Hanger a new one, McVana tells her kid that Hanger hasn’t learned how to deal with the press yet and everyone makes mistakes. She’s going to school him in the art of “tabloidism”, because she’s a good person. Also, there are currently no other young men in their early twenties AIMing her and she’s not going to throw away her meal before she’s eaten.
Later, after Hanger’s scored 1028 points in kiddie basketball, he slinks his way back into the house. The Lohans are sitting around reading Ali’s horoscope, which says something about impending stardom and always being third best and getting a nosejob the second there’s enough money in the business account. “It always says that!” she shrieks. She takes her pimp and Hanger up to the master bedroom for a nice talk. Hanger admits that he called Ali a “matchmaker” and apologizes but says that he didn’t say anything else and she doesn’t need to freak out. Dina explains that her kid’s not freaking out, she’s just a spaz and there’s nothing to be done about it until slipping your kids morphine becomes legal.
Dina tells Hanger that she loves him and knows that he didn’t say any of that stuff (uh, he just admitted that he did, delusional) and then blames the press. Hanger blinks really hard and gets all twitchy and I feel embarrassed for him. He is one ugly liar. I am totally inviting him over for poker night. Dina says that she raised her kids to tell the truth (unless they’re falling out of cars when being pulled over or trying to hide a coke addiction or signing contracts saying they’ll show up for work and then not showing up, but I digress) and she’s sure his parents taught him the same thing. Violins start playing and Hanger’s face convulses. “I don’t have parents, remember?”

Yeah, yeah, neither do my kids. What’s your point?

Oh wah, Orphan Annie. She’s letting you off the hook. Save the sob story for a rainy day. Sound insensitive? Sorry, but I’m not buyin it. If you want to check out how sincere this twat is, check out this interview.
McVana tells him that he’s brand new to the world of fame, and since she’ll be by his side to guide the way, he’ll be ten steps ahead of the rest. Slohan looks on incredulously at her mother. Then she is dismissed so Dina can have some alone time with him and find out if he’s “morally straight” with her old moral vagina. In the kitchen, Hanger says that he would in no “shape way or form” want Dina to think that he doesn’t wanna be on TV with her.
She calls him out on looking like a liar and he finally admits that when asked if he was dating Lindsay, he said “watch the show”. Dina congratulates him on punking the press. OY. Hanger is now in full on wigga mode. So he twitches, blinks hard, and talks like a nervous gangsta when he’s lying. Noted. After Dina forgives him, he smiles slyly and tells her that at least now people know who he is. Dina smiles and almost high fives him for this one. He may be using them, she says, but they’re using him too. They just want his Apple Loops because they still can’t figure out how to work GarageBand so see? It works both ways. Man this woman is truly despicable.
McVana has received one of the highest honors in Long Island. She is going to be on the cover of the Thrifty Nickel! Congrats and how fitting! She is trying to pick a dress, but Slohan refuses to let her leave the house in the slutty number she’s chosen. Dina argues that it’s a Stella McCartney, which is funny because Stella would be pissed knowing a woman made of leather purchased one of her outfits. Slohan will not budge on the see thru robe, as if this is the first time she’s considered the idea that her mother is a whore. Denise, Ali’s cousin, shows up to baby sit, and by then Dina has finally found something perfect to wear to this very special dinner honoring her.

Watch out, Thrifty Nickel!

Nana and McVana’s sister and her friend join her for the big dinner, and on the way there they dish about the kids. Nana is kinda mortified that Ali wants to be like her coke head sister, which of course Dina takes as a compliment. She says that she just wants one of her kids to stay in school, but it’s hard when Ali’s so goddamned talented and gorgeous. LOL. Funniest car ride ever. Dina keeps looking around the car for someone to nod in agreement, but the women just smile tightly and kinda look out the window. I wouldn’t argue before a free dinner, either. Nanahan’s no moron.
Denise takes Slohan and Cody to a costume shop to try on giant fake boobs (try before you buy) and masks (I like Denise. She’s got her finger on the pulse.). This little field trip ignites a Slohan monologue. She wants to be famous and get out there and try to be special and shine. This is sad and I don’t know why. My 3 and 1/2 year old niece gave the same monologue over the phone last week and I thought it was hilarious. Who can explain feelings? When they get home from cousin hinting hour, the kids smell something in the house. “It smells like geeyaass”.
Denise calls the fire department and they find a tiny electrical fire somewhere. Glad the whole fire department came out for this one. I’ll bet if they looked hard enough, they would find a Duff fingerprint somewhere. You know there’s gotta be some competition there.
Back at the Thrifty Nickel dinner, guess who else McVana has invited out to share her night of flashbulbs and glamour? Hanger! Hope you get some, Dina. No time for sex now, though. She has to pose for all the photographers on the red carpet. Another rich white lady with too much plastic surgery stands next to her for a picture and I have trouble telling who’s who.

Plastic surgery is turning Long Island into I, Robot.

Back at home, smelling the fire has made Ali’s throat hurt. OH NO! SHE HAS ASTHMA! SHE COULD DIE! They keep trying to call their mom, but her mailbox is full. Cut to Dina partying hard and putting her hand down the front of Hanger’s pants. Cut back to the house, where medics are crying and shouting “HANG ON! DON’T GO TOWARD THE LIGHT!” Cut back to the party, where Nana has her hand down the front of Hanger’s pants. Cut back to the house, where Slohan is convulsing on the floor and apologizing to God for coveting what her sister has. Cut back to the party, where McVana is making out with her Crypt Keeper twin and then throwing up in a trash can. Cut back to the house, where white foam is coming out of Slohan’s face as she whispers “Please…n n not my tiiiimmmeee I’m not faaaamous enough….” Commercial!!! OMG I hate when they cut us off right in the middle of a disaster! Come on, this is real life, people!

Too late. She’s dead.

Cody, our sweet little Jodie Foster as a child lookalike, calls Ty the bodyguard since he can’t get ahold of his mom. He says that they smelled something funny in the house and the fire department suggested the get an electrician over asap. He never mentions Ali. LOL, Cody Foster. Ty goes inside to the party and finds McVana to tell her that there was a small electrical fire. Dina tells us that when you hear about something like that happening to your kids, you go into panic mode. Then she ran out of there as fast as possible and rushed home. Kidding! She went to the middle of the dance floor to call, just in case there was a chance she didn’t have to leave the ball.

Cody, if Ali dies, call Ty and have her cleaned up before I get home. And you better start learning Hanger’s songs, cuz you’re next. Love ya buhbye!

After the party, Dina gets home and tells us how proud of her kids she is for knowing how to dial 911 when she never taught them. She’s glad they’re ok, but adds that it figures the one night she goes out something bad happens at home. Imagine if the tabloids got ahold of this news! They’d rip her to shreds! Well, thank God you only have a camera crew filming you 24/7. Don’t worry, the bloids don’t watch anything as classy as E! IDIOT.
On what I presume is Monday, Alexis comes to the house for work and Dina fills her in on all the drama. There was a FIRE! The kids were in DANGER! She leads the assistant to the wall to gape at the destruction. Alexis doesn’t say anything. She just looks at the tiny fist sized hole in the wall with pursed lips. Love you Alexis.

We’re just waiting for a videotape of Osama claiming responsibility.

Hanger comes over in his giant sunglasses to look at the hole and freaks out that “live wires” are hanging out of the walls. Ali points out that they are covered in rubber tape (impressive, Al) so they can’t hurt them but Hanger has never heard of this tactic for stopping electricity and orders her away from the wall. Don’t worry about getting electrocuted, Hanger. Your backpack will save you.
Then the electrician comes. The problem was a loose outlet. OMG!!!! THA DRAMA! THEY HAVE TO CHANGE AN OUTLET!!! Alexis says there needs to be two escape routes in every room and they need to call a fireman to come over and give them a fire drill. Oh for fuck’s sake. I’m about to drive out there and start that house on fire myself.
To end the episode with some excitement, we get another disaster! Yes, I am referring to Slohan’s “career”. Hanger is still around and will be flying to Vegas to film the Palm’s infomercial record Ali’s album and he’s excited. Ali’s doing on of his songs and “she’s gonna kill it!” He says that like it’s a good thing. I guess no publicity is bad publicity. One problem, though. Slohan wants a different song than the one she picked because she wants to sound more “like Reyanna. Now make me magic!” You’ll need it, honey.

Dang, Ali. You’re aging really quickly.

I didn’t realize this before seeing the opening credits of this show, but the Lohan’s are a totally normal American family, you guys. They live in a two story house that looks just like all the other ones on their street,

McMiddle Class

They drive gigantic gas guzzling cars,

McSaudi Supporter

The mom has a healthy obsession with nouveau cheeze Ivana Trump (come on, who’s mom didn’t try this Aqua-Net enforced bee hive and giant plastic pearl earrings at least once? It was like “the Rachel” of the El Paso Country Club when I was growing up.),

McVana

They even wear Adidas!

Kids wrestling, Home Sweet Home banner hanging in the family room, dog pooping on the rug; yes, the Lohan’s are a normal American family. They are the McLohan’s. Just one tiny difference between them and us: THEY’RE FABULOUS AND EVERYONE WANTS TO BE JUST LIKE THEM.
McVana welcomes us to her show by letting us know a little bit about herself. “I’m a single mom with sole custody of my kids.” Uh-oh. You know you’re in trouble when someone you just meet opens with that line. I have never known someone to say “I’m a single mom” without it sounding like a threat. Fitting for McVana, as she warns early on that you can say what you want about her, but if you fuck with her kids she’ll cut your ass. After all, a lioness protects her cubs. Otherwise they will get damaged and be less sellable. She’s a powerful woman, dammit!
Her kids don’t get out of line and when they do, she gets “this look” on her face that quiets them down. I don’t think it’s the look on your face, hon. I think it’s your face.

Be skerd.

Our story begins with Dina starting her normal day just like a normal person. A jury duty summons? How NORMAL! She tells her assistant Alexis to find a way out of it, because “I have to work”. LOL. Tell the judge I can’t make it because I rented out one of my kids that day and I need to be there for the drop. He’ll totally understand.
After the normality, she gets on with her real morning routine: pouring through tabloids and cutting out pictures of her wobbly ass twenty one going on forty six year old daughter, Lindsay. Lindsay will not be appearing in this show because McVana wants to “protect her”. Instead, she will be represented by this little bear.

Lindsay B.

I hope that McVana puts all those cut out pics of the real Lindsay falling down and wastedly making out with girls into a giant scrap book to show her grandkids one day. For now, though, she’s using them as evidence of a twisted, celebrity obsessed media that will ruin her child if she doesn’t put a stop to them! Her youngest kid, Cody, comes in the kitchen to ask his mom why she’s always looking at the papers. She stumbles around without a good answer, so Alexis answers for her. “Because it’s interesting!” The day Lindsay’s picture isn’t in one of these “trashy” rags is the day McVana’s head explodes, kid. Did you just move in or something?
Dina finally gets out the real reason she reads the papers. So she can get the ammunition she needs to sue the publishers. After all, I Know Who Killed Me didn’t do anything to help get the mortgage caught up. Today’s story is all about Lindsay’s most recent intervention, which really pisses McVana off because it’s truth blocks any possible income for her. Sorry, no “Linsay Lohan Anally Probed By Gay Director” this morning, Dina. You might wanna flip over to the Help Wanted section.
She says that if they start this crap with Ali, there’s gonna be war! How would anyone even know who that lifeless lump of clay and sticks was if you hadn’t made her sign a Ford Modeling Agency contract on her way out of your womb? She’s pissed about an article suggesting that Ali has had a nose job.

Gee, where’d they get that idea?

They were being nice. They could have pointed out that she got a bad nose job and came out of surgery looking 30. That would be way ruder. Dina tells us that she doesn’t spend her whole life worrying about all the people talking about her family (only the two hours each morning) and she understands that people are only interested because they are idiots. Finally! We agree on something! Cut to Dina watching TV with a smug smile on her face as her daughter exits one of the rehab centers she’s hung out at recently.
Even Dina’s poor mom is stalked by the world! Nana comes on to tell us how the paparazzi have knocked on her door and made her dog bark. Well if you’d wear some panties when you got out of cars and stopped banging dudes twice your age, no one would bother you, slut.

If I have to read one more article about Nana in the bloids, someone’s gonna pay!

To avoid getting more publicity, McVana has decided that it’s time to try and sell Ali again. She tried two years ago with a Christmas album that made the ten kids who heard it denounce Santa Claus, and now it’s time for another go. After all, the Maloof family believes in her! They are going to produce the new screeching horror show jackhammer demolition chainsaw massacre album in their multi-million dollar recording studio at the Palms, their Vegas hotel. The Maloof’s used to pay Paris Hilton hundreds of thousands of dollars to fly out and party there, so you know they’re quality.
Cody, who looks like a young Jodie Foster, is glad that Ali is going to follow her mother’s dreams, but he’s not happy that there will be people around the house trying to get his Nana’s picture. Poor kid. Maybe you’ll grow up to be a happy, smart lesbian and make really killer women in danger flicks.

The Brave One

It’s time for Cody to go to soccer, but he’s gonna be late because his sister is upstairs obsessing over her nose and trying to shade it to look smaller. I’m so not kidding. I had to rewind three times to LOL.

She’s done with her nose, so now it’s time for her busy busy day! Montage of photo shoots, VH1 red carpets, posing with Lindsay for the paps…you know. Just a regular day in the life of the superstar that is Ali Lohan. I don’t know where the family really went when they left the house this morning, but it must have just been to drop Cody off at soccer practice and then back home, because before you know it Ali’s in bed with Assistant Alexis listening to tracks her label sent over on her Macbook. Ali hasn’t said a thing yet, and after five seconds of listening to her speak, I know why. The girl has the charisma of one of the extras from Awakenings. From now on, she shall be called Slohan. At least she’s cute in a way. She looks like Kristin Davis from Sex and the City. The forty year old version from the movie.

Slohan isn’t happy with her tracks. She doesn’t want teen queen, she wants hip hop. Like Killa! Oh, yes she did. Please God, let Ali Lohan record a rap album. Love, Flipit. Alexis wants to hear the tracks, but Ali doesn’t play her the ones she’s supposed to be choosing from. She plays her the tracks made by her newish friend, Jeremy. As his boy band sounding drivel fills the room, Slohan wets the bed. Who can blame her? Jeremy’s a stud. With his giant Grace Jones/Ross Dress for Less sunglasses, any girl with working parts would squeal.

This is the kind of guy a girl looks at for a long term relationship.

Need a better description?

“Jeremy’s like such a cool producer who would like always IM my mom like ‘listen to this’ (eye bug) ‘listen to this’! (eye bug). “

He used to IM your mom? Oh dear. Alexis says that she used to sit in bed and go over really terrible songs with Lindsay, and now she’s doing it with Ali. Awwww! Maybe you’ll get to help Ali pack for Wonderland, too! Dina comes home from shopping at the grocery store (I know, I couldn’t believe it either. So normal!) and announces that she’s gonna make chicken with jerk sauce. Ali shrieks “Maaaa! Ewww! That’s what ouah dowags eeeat!” Dina corrects her. She’s thinking of beef jerky. Wacky! You’re a real Jessica Simpson, Slohan. PS, your dogs shit on your rug because you give them beef jerky. Fucking morons.
Ali tells her mom that she hates all the tracks the label sent, so McVana has to take matters into her own hands. You see, the label wants Ali to present herself in the way they think a fourteen year old should be. For whatever reason, they don’t want her prancing around with jeans halfway down her ass rapping about putting caps in pig’s asses. Go fig. As Dina goes on and on about how the Maloof’s need to try to understand who Ali is “as a person” and “hear her voice”, we cut to a shot of Slohan staring off blankly into space and sucking her fingers. LOL, editors. At least someone around here understands who Ali is as a person.

Just release a CD full of white noise with your retouched pic on the cover. Gold, I tell ya.

Dina gets on the phone and starts up with Maloof’s people. Ali only likes one sowang. The lady on the other end of the phone, let’s call her Nana Maloof, tries to explain that Ali needs to release an album that her audience will believe came from her. Well, the sounds of Ali taking a morning poo probably won’t be very fun to hear, and that’s the only thing anyone with half a brain would believe that the girl has ever produced, so what’s plan B?
McVana says that she’s not gonna shove an album down Ali’s throat that she doesn’t believe in. Wow, the artistic integrity. Slohan sloppily applies nail polish during this very important conference call and keeps mouthing that she wants Jeremy. Nana Maloof tries to explain that they only have two weeks before recording begins (two whole weeks of prep? And you thought the Maloof’s were probably just using this as a cheap and quick way to peddle their hotel and casino on the show they help produce), but Dina insists on a phone meeting with Jeremy tomorrow. Wow, Jeremy sure made an impression over IM. That’s totally how all the big producers start. Thanks, AIM!

I hate those sowangs.

McVana tells her spawn that she’s not going to allow any recording to begin until Ali’s happy as an “artist” and before Lindsay’s album, they listened to thousands of songs. If that doesn’t prove she’s got a sharp ear, I don’t know what does. Ali just smacks her gum and pouts in response. Meeting adjourned!
The next day, Jeremy is dropped off at the house for his meeting with McVana, who tells us about meeting Jeremy on IM and finally agreeing to use his tracks. Me thinks both of the Lohan’s are wetting themselves over this douche. Who’s mom talks to twenty year olds regularly on AIM? As Jeremy plays her beats from his Apple Loop collection and she “feels the music”, I can’t concentrate on anything but her face. Plastic surgery’s not so abnormal, but if you’re gonna get a nose job, let the doctor finish his work. Is there some kind of rule against doing surgery between the eyes? She looks like Helena Bonham Carter in Planet of the Apes.

Jeremy dances around for Dina while his music plays, and then Ali comes home and spoils everything. During their alone time, Slohan tells Jeremy that she wants to be a hip hop artist and he tells her in a really nice way how to rephrase that so she doesn’t sound like a twit. “What you mean is that you like urban beats.” She nods enthusiastically and he plays her his boy band horseshit (which isn’t hip hop or urban in any way) and she stares into his eyes and falls in love…with his Apple Loops.
He asks if there’s anything she wants him to change and she says nope he’s it’s perfect. She’s known him long enough now that she can really trust him. Four months can really do wonders. He presses a button on his keyboard and the song starts playing. He tries to teach it to her, but she starts droning the words on the same note. He starts conducting, but still only one note comes out of her. Eh, it can be fixed in mixdown. The best way I know how to describe her singing voice is….hmmm. Did you watch The Nanny? Remember how Fran Drescher laughed? It’s like that, only more painful.

The next morning, Assistant Alexis is doing her duties. In case you haven’t figured it out, her job is to google Lindsay Lohan. She finds a still from the Calum sex tape online and Dina gives her a cookie. It’s blurry, and Dina shouts about how it could be anyone. Ali comes in and has a look too and they all stare at the sex tape together, trying to figure out if it’s Linds. If it is, the stuffed Lindsay Bear’s gonna get it’s ass whooped. This is so sweet, watching the family bond in front of the computer.

She looks so pretty!

McVana goes on the defensive. She explains to us that fame is like a big game of chess and calls whoever runs the website. She threatens lawsuits if they don’t take it down and acts all tough, which we know totally worked because when I googled Lindsay Lohan sex tape only 593,000 pages came up. Queen captured. Dina hangs up angry and rants about how the pic is blurry. She asks Alexis if she could tell it was Lindsay and Alexis says no, but she jerked off to it anyway which is the whole point.
The real reason McVana is upset is that her kids go to school and she doesn’t want them to be embarrassed. Those mean kids have plenty of other reasons to make fun of Ali, lady. Calm down. And how was Lindsay’s nude spread in New York Magazine ok? Oh yeah cuz they paid you. If Calum had offered Dina rights to the sex tape it would be on the shelves at Blockbuster.
Outside, Jeremy plays basketball with Cody, and I have to say, I like little Cody so I have nothing to write but a personal plea to the kid: RUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!! Dina has to go to a dinner, so she asks Jeremy to take care of the kids. A. Wow he’s really desperate to sell a song and B. Hulleow, you met him on AIM and you’re leaving your kids with him. He takes them rock climbing and Ali can’t get away from the kids the Maloof’s gave a dollar to to act like they give a shit her fans.

She’s so perty. I hope she does a rap album.

Ali tells us that she’s always wanted to be just like her big sister, so it’s awesome that people want her aowtograph. That statement was so sweet and so sad that I don’t know how to feel about Slohan right now. It’s not her fault she’s being raised by a fame whore pimp and has the personality of a chalk board eraser…I don’t know where I was going with that. Cody ignores the little girls surrounding his sis and climbs the rocks. He says that he doesn’t care if his sisters are famous. They’re his sisters and he loves them. Cutest. Kid. Ever. Dina’s selling the wrong one.
McVana’s dinner was a birthday party for some judge, who she immediately asks to get her out of jury duty. What a mover and a shaker she is. The next morning she calls Alexis to google her because “one of the idiot people are trashing us”. And this news is about….Jeremy? WTF? Did he diddle one of the kids at the rock climbing place? Nope. The article claims that he diddled Lindsay herself. He is quoted as saying that he wouldn’t call himself her boyfriend, they’re just good friends and he’s letting her little sis record his music because he begged her to. Ruhroh.
Ali, obviously, freaks out. Lindsay Lindsay Lindsay! She runs up to the Lindsay Bear and questions it, but when she doesn’t get an answer she just punches it in the face. Poor thing’s heart is probably breaking. She might even consider doing something drastic. Like getting rid of her sideburns.

Thank you very much.

McVana knows that the press twists things into lies for their stories. Why, just recently she was named Mother of the Year. There you go. I find it hilarious that Dina is always ranting and raving about liars when to this day she says she’s a former Rockette and commercial actress; claims that have been denied by Radio City Music Hall and every actor’s union in existence. But I digress. Jeremy. Get that little twink in here to explain himself!
Nana gets to the house first, and she’s disappointed that Jeremy didn’t claim to bang her. She says that he’s a “wiseguy” and doesn’t want to discuss him. Snap, Nana! When he gets to the house, Slohan takes him upstairs and accidentally rubs his crotch with her palm questions him about the article. He claims that the press twisted his words, but she’s not having it. She says he’s acting like a liar, he carries a pleather backpack, and Lindsay doesn’t even know he was born. This is the only thing that seems to hurt his feelings.

Oooh, the suspense!!

Credits roll and I sit still for a very long time, wondering what the hell I am doing with my life. Who knew this show would make me think? How do you guys feel? Are you taking as much painful pleasure in this as I am? Would you do Nana? And why do the Lohan’s all age so prematurely?

-McVana 2008

Spoiler alert! Donna Summer wins!

T. VO: Hooray!
FLIPIT: HOLLER!!!!! I can’t believe it. It’s our first live blog together.
T.VO: At least we’ve met in real life, so this isn’t like, “To Catch a Predator.”
FLIPIT: Thank you for saying that, in case there are any FBI agents spying on this chat. You look ten years old.
T.VO: “You want a martini, little girl? Get into my creepy white van.”
FLIPIT: Instead of diddling you I forced you to write recaps.
T.VO: And here we are.
FLIPIT: Sweetest friend biography ever. So who do you think is gonna win?
T.VO: Sadly, Fetus. But that doesn’t make for good TV unless his dad goes bizzonkers.
FLIPIT: You think Cooke deserves it? Meh.
T.VO: Cook has more staying power as a musician/artist, but I don’t think he can overcome the Mormon/tweenybopper voting bloc who call in at least four times each.
FLIPIT: Well, Cook does have georgiababe.
T.VO: True.
FLIPIT: Fetus will move in on Josh Groban’s crowd. We may not ever hear of him, but he’s a huge success. At least my great aunt Gloria says so.
T.VO: Aunt Gloria would gush over Fetus and then never buy any of his new-fangled CD’s or figure out what an MP3 is.
FLIPIT: She flew here to see him in concert! And I’m sure she would have bought a record if they’d been selling one!
T.VO: Cook should win.
FLIPIT: There are enough off key faux rock singers already. I see those tools and their ironic tees sitting around in Starbucks all day long staring at a wall and introverting. Get a job!
T.VO: But aren’t there enough precocious poptartlets in HWood as well?
FLIPIT: We take talented robotic little pretty babies and put them in cages here. They are what keeps the money flowing through town. We cherish them. You can never have enough precocious pop tartlets!
T.VO: You’re scaring me.
FLIPIT: Sorry. He’s at least kinda humble and honest, ya know?
T.VO: His dad just makes it unappetizing. There’s an entire reality show dedicated to stage parents, right? If Fetus had been a girl, he could’ve ended up like JonBenét .
FLIPIT: The kid’s boring as church, but he seems kinda real.
T.VO: There’s only so many times you can look like a baby deer tranquilized by an elephant dart run over by a Zamboni. And Cook’s real. He cried too. Like Hillary.
FLIPIT: And look how well it worked out for her.

T.VO: Fetus is a well-polished, rehearsed little man bot.
FLIPIT: A bot that can make old people cry!
T.VO: Remember the Santa Monica Farmer’s Market Massacre, where the old man “accidentally” ran over all those people?
FLIPIT: That was so not an accident. That was angry old man syndrome. I’m so getting that. I don’t believe for one second he thought he was stepping on the brakes as he ran over thirty something people. He’d just had ENOUGH.
T.VO: I just got a bike today, and if I were to be hit by someone while riding the sidewalk, it would be an old person in a Caddy and they’d be blasting Fetus’s song. They’d get distracted an run up the curb thinking it was a parking spot. Or the ice cream truck,in a twist of irony.
FLIPIT: LOLolollll congrats on the bike.
T.VO: Or Charlotte Church, before she got knocked up.
FLIPIT: Or Josh Groban! OK it’s about to start. Are you ready for the last two hours of American Idol in 2008?
T.VO: Wait, this is 2 hours? I could’ve gotten 8 cavities filled during this time.
FLIPIT: Don’t worry, it will probably sound like you are doing just that.
The show opens with the Davids staring each other down.

You’re hot. No, You are!

T.VO: It looks like they should make out. MAKE OUT!!! MAKE OUT!!!
FLIPIT: You blinked first, Cook! Fetus wins! They’re both in white. It’s like the final Cylons are meeting for the first time.
T.VO: But first, they have to get communion and go into the confessional. Then play altar boys.
FLIPIT: Or change a bedpan. The costumer saw Amanda in her work uniform and was like I smell a finale theme!
T.VO: Wow, Tink is taller than someone. Yay for him.
T.VO: Is that…Holly Robinson Peet in the crowd?!
FLIPIT: Maria Shriver! A LIST ONLY!!! Where’s Carrot Top?
Tink tells us that the voting record was smashed this year.
T.VO: Democracy in America is dead.
FLIPIT: Votes schmotes. Tink has been playing with new eyeliner and I can’t get past it. I think Teri Hatcher is behind that choice.
FLIPIT: 97 million votes?!?!?!?!?!?
T.VO: I know for a fact HugoStop’s mom voted four times. (For Fetus.)
FLIPIT: HA Fetus it is!
T.VO: (She voted for Fetus)
Tink intros the judges.

FLIPIT: Oh man that jacket hurts to look at.
T.VO: Randy is dressed as the Candy Man, obviously.
FLIPIT: The one from the horror flick.
Tink shows us a live feed of a giant crowd in Kansas City. Mikalah Gordon hosts.
T.VO: I want to see the craigslist ad for the Kansas City Idol Rally.
T.VO: “Free beers, hookers!”
T.VO: “JK, it’s for David Cook.”
FLIPIT: Don’t worry we’ve still got free hookers. Mikalah Gordon is hosting. I wonder if she ever bought mom that boob job.
We switch to Utah, where Matt Rogers hosts.

T.VO: Matt Rogers looks like he’s going to have a heart attack.
FLIPIT: That’s the most white blonde people I have ever seen in one place.
The Top Twelve take the stage and sing “Get Ready”.

T.VO: Wow, can a song turn you gay? Because um…
FLIPIT: Yeah. “Maybe This Time” did it to me.
T.VO: (sighs in horror.) Wow.
FLIPIT: Even the stars of SYTYCD can’t make this choreography ok.
T.VO: So much white. It’s a representation of Utah. Spoiler?
FLIPIT: It’s like Heaven, only gayer and whiter.
T.VO: Like Heaven in “Grease,” but greasier.
FLIPIT: “Beauty School Dropout” should be the AI theme song.
T.VO: I hope it’s not anyone’s time of the month.
FLIPIT: Ew! And true, that would suck
T.VO: This performance is an ad for Tampax, right?
FLIPIT: They’re playing the song so fast! Guess what? Making this song faster doesn’t help it NOT SUCK
T.VO: More cowbell!
FLIPIT: AMANDA!!!!

FLIPIT: I’ve missed her! That girl don’t give a FUCK.

T.VO: Was that just the poor man’s Janice Dickinson in the audience?
FLIPIT: Sandra Bullock or Janis Dickinson?
T.VO: I hope it’s Sandra Bullock so she can drive a bus loaded with a bomb onto the stage.
FLIPIT: Rich white ladies get too much plastic surgery. They all look like Teri Hatcher now.
T.VO: www.alllooksame.com but with white people.
FLIPIT: HAHAH Asian people don’t look all the same. Maybe if you all had the same haircut…
T.VO: Bowlcuts? I prefer to look like an anime character. I wonder if we get the same commercials while watching in different cities?
FLIPIT: Minute Maid.
T.VO: Minute Maid. Angels love Minute Maid!
FLIPIT: If you want to go to Heaven, you will drink Minute Maid.

T.VO: Now it’s Indiana Jones.

FLIPIT: Harrison Ford looks like someone stepped on his face.
T.VO: Now it’s the Old Navy commercial that knows I hate it.
FLIPIT: I want the old TV stars back in these ads.
T.VO: Yeah! Stop trying to peddle a $19.50 halter top, Old Navy! I want Performance Fleece jingles!

T.VO: And that old lady with the glasses and the dog.
FLIPIT: “I totally got dressed up for our fancy dinner. Old Navy, you like?”
FLIPIT: And she wonders why he only takes her to The Olive Garden.
Back from commercials, “Hero” plays. Cook sings and Fetus joins him.
T.VO: We should be drunk. I didn’t know this was gonna be two hours of Nickelback.
FLIPIT: Cook always sounds like he’s trying to clear his throat. I guess that’s the point though, no? He didn’t sound like that on ALWebber night.
T.VO: He chose that night to gargle.
T.VO: You have to admit, Fetus is super-awkward with the choreography. He has never progressed past the middle school dance.
FLIPIT: He just learned to walk, get off his case!
T.VO: You love the Fetus! Fetus-lover!
FLIPIT: I don’t love either of them but we picked sides at the beginning of this chat and I am sticking with my pick! Fetus for the DOLLAS!
FLIPIT: And come on, he sounds like 30 times better than Cook.
T.VO: I feel like I’m picking between Kerry and Kerry.
FLIPIT: Totally! I was just gonna say this is how I feel about the election. Which one will make the world hate us the least?
T.VO: Fetus’ vocals are cleaner, but he looks like he wants to go home. Well, his vocals were cleaner until that big fat flat note toward the end.
FLIPIT: He had some placenta stuck in his throat. Anyway, he doesn’t wanna go home! There’s no ban on his dad there.
The song comes to an end and the audience goes nuts.
FLIPIT: Fetus wanted to hug and Cook was like oh hell no don’t mess up my plastic jacket. It tears easily.
Tink tells us that the boys had time to meet with a spiritual advisor.
T.VO: Guru?! Did they go to yoga?
FLIPIT: I’m crossing my fingers for Susan Powter!
T.VO: Pitka? OH NO.
FLIPIT: Is it Teri Hatcher??

T.VO: Mike Meyers is the new Jim Carrey.
FLIPIT: The new old Jim Carrey. Old Jim Carrey was the funny one. New Jim Carrey is an ACTORRR.
Mike Myers goes on to plug his heavily accented, wacky summer movie.
T.VO: Indian people everywhere cringe.
FLIPIT: This is slightly less painful than Robin Williams’ schtick on Idol Gives Back, but only slightly.
FLIPIT: Of course Jessica Alba is his love interest. I. Am so. Sure.

T.VO: Let’s exploit Mini-Me. Summer hilarity!
FLIPIT: Yay midgets! Fetus has a role model now.
The guys are asked how they liked the movie, and Fetus says “I loved the weird sitar sounds.”
FLIPIT: Poor Fetus is always struggling to find something to say. How did you like the movie? Smile, blink, “sitar?” Giggle giggle blink blink.
T.VO: Sitar Hero! Offending brown people since 2008.
T.VO: I think this movie could cause Yogis to revolt. After they put their mats down gently.
FLIPIT: Quietest revolution ever.
Mike Myers gives the guys advice.
T.VO: He told Cook what I always say. “You’re on TV for godsake! Shave!”
FLIPIT: : “It’s not the 90’s. Last time I saw facial hair like that I was at a Melrose Place party listening to Alice in Chains on my discman.” LOLOLLLL. Mike Myers won me over forever with that line.
FLIPIT: PS - I’m still not going to that crap movie, though.
T.VO: Ravi Shankar would kill him. You know, the legendary sitar player. Norah Jones is his illegitimate daughter. True story.
FLIPIT: How do you know all this stuff? Do you ever sleep?
Now Mike Myers is actually on stage.
FLIPIT: More Mike Myers? Come on now. All he needs is a swiffer sweeper and a big plastic cup of Coke to sip while he parades around in a giant Ford cap to completely sell out.
Mike Myers tells Randy “you are my dog.” Randy replies in the usual Randy way. Dawk yeeeah and baby.
T.VO: Randy’s stuffed talking doll will come out soon, with four phrases on loop: “You’re molten hawt, baby!”, “I wasn’t jumpin’ up and down but I wasn’t mad at you either, yo.”, “You could sing the phone book, dawg!”
FLIPIT: : Don’t forget “Who’s getting lunch? I’m hongry.” And how original! A gay joke barbed at Simon!
T.VO: Wow. Mike Myers made Simon laugh. This show is over, right?
FLIPIT: I was expecting that horrified look he gave Fantasia last week. I want Fantasia back!
T.VO: I want her to come on stage and hump Mike Myers and then cluck across the stage.
FLIPIT: : Dammit why isn’t he leaving? I blame Mike Myers for this show lasting two hours.
T.VO: Seacrest looks haggardly orange.
FLIPIT: But his eyes sure are stunning tonight.

Streak free eyeliner.

Finally, Mike Myers leaves and Syesha comes onstage to sing with Seal.
T.VO: Sassy Syesha. She looks like a woman scorned. Like in “Waiting to Exhale”.
FLIPIT: LOL. Anger looks good on her. She’s loose and having a good time and she has boob support
T.VO: How soon before she tosses a match into the audience and struts away?
FLIPIT: If she had performed like this earlier on the show she would still be on it. I think rejection was good for her.
T.VO: Maybe she’s just drunk. Like we should be.
Seal comes out.
T.VO: It’s not Seal IS IT?!
FLIPIT: That’s the butchest I’ve seen Seal in ages.
T.VO: I always imagine Victoria’s Secret Angel Wings on him.
FLIPIT: I always imagine Heidi telling him to pick up his pink thong off the bathroom floor.
T.VO: I’m sure it’s bedazzled.
They start duetting, and it is a little off there for awhile.
FLIPIT: Is that harmony?
T.VO: Or just bad melody? I can’t tell which.
FLIPIT: I blame Seal.
T.VO: I think I would have liked this song more if it has some kind of identifiable melody line.
FLIPIT: You’re asking a lot from Seal.
The song ends. Shots of audience members.
T.VO: WHO ARE THESE RANDOM PEOPLE?!?
FLIPIT: I think they’re famous, but I don’t know how or why.
A commercial for the Mike Myers movie comes on.
T.VO: Mike Myers again?
FLIPIT: Seriously, Mike Myers! Stop it!

FLIPIT: YAY MIDGETS! AGAIN!
A McDonald’s commercial comes on.
T.VO: Midgets segues into McDonald’s. Now that’s a thru-line!
FLIPIT: Fetus already got a commercial!

T.VO: Yeah, McDonald’s is great for your kids. Nothing says stunted growth and a miserable childhood like a Happy Meal full of diabetes!
FLIPIT: : Diabetes: I’m lovin’ it!
Back from commercials, Castro is up to sing “Hallelujah”
FLIPIT: : Tink called him the worst interview ever. LOL.
T.VO: He needs a speech therapist.
FLIPIT: And a book or two. Ah, he did a beautiful job on this song. And I have no need to hear it again tonight. Tick tock, Castro.
T.VO: He should be holding a prayer candle, no?
FLIPIT: : I can’t help but wonder how he’s gonna sing in twenty years if he’s scrunching in pain during freakin Hallelujah.
T.VO: Singing in twenty years? You’re generous.
FLIPIT: He’ll be singing somewhere. Even if it’s just in his house while he does the dishes.

Teri Hatcher, what a surprise.

Clips of all the Ford commercials.
FLIPIT: And now, for “How We Wi