Flirting with Fifty

Social Contract

2018-02-18T18:35:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know it's been a long time. I've had several "false starts" on getting back to it, and have set a few days that seemed auspicious for resuming. Obviously all of them have passed. Today I have decided to ease back in, and this will be brief -- if I can limit myself. I'm angry and sad -- and I need to stop looking at Facebook!

I'm not sure why (many) people seem to think that their right to own any kind of weapon supercedes the right of others simply to live, but I've been seeing and hearing it all over the place. I would like to offer a few thoughts on the matter of the most recent school shooting, not just because I have an awareness of how a similar event could affect me -- and I am aware of that -- but because no right is more important than the right, especially of a young person, to live.

1. In Florida, and probably in other states with warm climates, our school hallways are mostly outdoors. In addition, our new buildings seem to be more concerned with aesthetics than with safety. I have nothing against pretty buildings, but when I am in a classroom with floor-to-ceiling windows (as I have often been), I might pay more attention to potential threats outside my room than to the lesson I'm teaching. Fortunately, I have taught certains courses so many times over the years that I can go on auto-pilot and my students probably won't notice.

2. More guns on campus will not help! Florida's gun laws are notoriously lax, and I have no doubt that some of my students (legally) carry concealed weapons. Some may do so illegally. Honestly, as long as they keep them put away, I don't care. But what would happen if a shooter entered our classroom? Could I trust that any student -- or faculty/staff member -- would be careful and accurate? No. I don't believe that would be the case. I think it would just contribute to the pandemonium and thus raise the casualty rate.

3. This is the one the title alludes to. I don't want to sound condescending, so pardon me if I'm telling you something you already know. Jefferson based much of the Constitution on the ideas of Jean-Jacques Rousseau and the latter's idea of a social contract. This is evident in nearly every aspect of civilized society, so much so that we rarely think about it. A good example is that most people obey traffic laws (apart from driving faster than the speed limit on occasion -- I assume). They stop at red lights and pass other vehicles on the left, etc. Even the most hardened criminal is likely to follow the rules of the road, if for no other reason than not to draw attention to himself. People don't smoke in no-smoking zones; they take off their shoes and stand in line to board airplanes (even if they grumble about it the whole way through). Whether you agree with my observations on these examples or not, I think you would concede the point that we give up -- or at least limit -- certain individual freedoms for the greater good of society. Why is this so hard to extend to gun laws? No one needs an automatic or semi-automatic weapon, but just the mention of taking away that choice gets their collective panties in a bunch. Can't we, as a society, come to the simple agreement that getting rid of these weapons is in the best interest of all of our citizens, at least until we figure out something else?

4. One last thought: I have never in my life seen a group of young people as composed and eloquent as those who have stepped up after Wednesday's shooting. In the past, students have let adults handle things for them, and I guess that hasn't worked out so well. Now they are not waiting. I am angry and sad that they have had the occasion to step up, but I am in awe of their courage and grace -- and hopeful that they may succeed where we have failed.

Free Beer!

2017-10-20T19:30:00.001-04:00

Actually, it's more like "beer-free". I got an email from the new hockey team today letting me know that season ticket holders will have a special entrance for future games; this will allow them (us) to get into the arena an hour earlier, and that special entry will include a wristband -- good for one hour of free beer. I won't say there haven't been times in my life when I could have consumed a lot of beer in an hour, but those days are long past. Even before I was told this week that I shouldn't drink alcohol, I may have had a few beers a few times a year. Ironically, when I drank more I weighed less, but I'm sure that wasn't the only variable. In the end, I'm not planning on going to tomorrow night's game anyway, so drinking definitely won't be a temptation.

On Wednesday I saw the gastroenterologist. He scheduled me for an endoscopy the following morning (yesterday). He's still not exactly sure what's going on; he found a lot of irritation and inflammation, but he's not sure what it's from. One spot in particular was more irritated and inflamed, likely the culprit area of last weekend's stomach bleed. He sent in a biopsy. All I can do now is wait and see. In the meantime, I'm returning to work on Monday, with another new class. My bosses at both institutions were very nice and concerned about my health, and if I had really needed them to, they could have found someone to pick up my classes. But I do have bills to pay, and aside from that I really care about my students -- and I don't want to burn my bridges at every college in town. I'll teach less next semester; for the next seven or so weeks, I'll deal.

I know it was rude to mention being ill and then go away for two days! I'm working on getting back to every day. Today I have two "big accomplishments": writing here and -- this is dumb, but it's kind of a big deal -- returning two Redbox movies on time after actually watching them. Woohoo! I hardly ever rent movies, but when I do, they usually sit around the house for an extra day or two, often without my ever watching them. Oh, and I've lost six pounds. That's kind of a big deal too.

Developments

2017-10-17T07:05:00.001-04:00

I'm in full-on guilty mode, having canceled my classes this morning. I went to work yesterday, and it was difficult with the stomach issues I was having. This morning I'm having the same issues -- with greater urgency and frequency. I saw my primary care doctor yesterday and he said my liver enzymes are fine, and even if they weren't, liver disease would probably not cause the problems I've had since leaving the hospital. He thinks I have an ulcer, so I'm waiting for his office to get my gastroenterologist appointment set up. I am supposed to hear about that today. And while my doctor didn't chastise me for not going to the ER on Saturday, he did tell me to go in immediately if I throw up blood again.

Just so you know, I didn't start my blog back up so I could complain about my health. I have really been struggling with low energy and low productivity, and I remembered how fulfilling it was to have at least written my blog every day, even when I didn't do much else. It gives me a feeling of accomplishment when I'm not otherwise being my usual over-achiever perfectionist self. Certainly I am not being "that self" now. After I get some of this medical chatter out of my system, I hope to go back to writing things that are . . . better. I'm not sure exactly how they'll be better, but they will be.

It's Been Too Long

2017-10-16T06:38:00.001-04:00

Once again, I'm attempting to get back to my daily writing. I suppose I've been following that old adage about not saying anything if you don't have anything nice to say (not that I have always followed that advice). My usual sunny disposition has been more difficult than usual to maintain, or even attain. Last week I spent two days in the hospital on morphine and dilaudid for excruciating pain in my side. I was told I have a non-alcohol-related liver disease -- and discharged to follow up with my doctor. That was on Thursday; on Friday I rested, and on Saturday I went with my son to the inaguaral game of our new hockey team -- and spent the last hour of the game vomiting blood in the bathroom. Yesterday I rested again and today I'm ready to go to work. Or at least I'm going to work and hoping to get in to see my doctor afterwards.

My condition may explain why I have been so tired for the last few months, but I can't be sure because the doctor at the hospital didn't give me much information. Either way, these symptoms can't be good. I'll apologize in advance for my own TMI: I've been up since 4:45 (nearly two hours) and have spent at least forty-five minutes of that time in the bathroom with the runs. Again, not something that bodes well for three hours of teaching, but I truly cannot miss anymore time unless I decide to have someone else take over my classes. That situation would likely lead to my not getting any future classes, at least for a while.

I hate to come back full of complaints, and hopefully next time I'll have better news.

The Gift of Time

2017-09-25T17:17:00.000-04:00

I may have used this title before, as this is an important topic in my life. My youngest son called me this morning to ask if I have "anything planned for my special day." I really don't. Because it's on Wednesday, my longest work day, I hadn't made any plans. Also, I didn't get paid (as I may have mentioned) and I'm doing my best to survive on a cash-only basis. I didn't tell my son all of that, only that I would be around other than for work time. He is taking off a half-day tomorrow (Tuesday) and driving up to visit, leaving Wednesday night. This makes me extremely happy. I may see my middle son that day too; he has been on a tour with his band and, while I know he's got something up his sleeve, I'm not sure which day it will be. Because my middle son lives in Jacksonville, he and his girlfriend are always the ones who do something special for me. I always appreciate it!

My students in the 7:30 a.m. class asked me what I want for my birthday. I said, "World peace." They said they couldn't get me that. The only reason they know that Wednesday is my birthday is that one of them mentioned last week that she had wanted to bring in donuts for everyone, but the drive-thru line was too long. I jokingly said, "My birthday is next Wednesday. Bring some then!" Sometimes they seem not to know I'm kidding, so I reinforced that today. I truly don't want my students to give me birthday gifts. That's weird and could be seen as an attempt to influence their grades, no matter how sweet and sincere the gesture.

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?

2017-09-18T17:32:00.001-04:00

My parents enjoyed musicals, and some of my earliest memories are of listening to records of show tunes. I don't always remember which song goes with which musical, but I remember the words to many of them. Imagine my surprise when, many years later, various of my sons' friends also enjoyed musicals and spontaneously broke into song when inspired by a related situation.

Today's title comes courtesy of the most recent hurricane, Maria. We are still reeling from Irma -- classes just resumed here today and not yet resumed in many parts of the state -- and are now being warned that Maria will take a similar track, at a similar speed, causing similar damage. As I mentioned, my neighborhood fared well; however, that wasn't the case with all of Jacksonville's neighborhoods. I have been busy (and not busy) with other things, so I haven't cleaned up all the yard mess from Irma. I am sponsoring and hosting two volunteer events later in the week. I won't be too sad if those are canceled, but I will be extremely upset if our state is hit with another storm so close on the tail of the last one. My students said this morning, "So does that mean we'll miss another two weeks of class?" I told them I'd do what I could to make sure they succeeded in my class, but I have no control over the weather.

That knowledge -- that there's no way we can control anything -- is tough. It isn't just that we can't control the weather; it's also that we can't know what the weather is going to do. Uncertainty is often the scariest thing and we're right back there again. I know many folks are fatigued by the hurricane itself and also by the watching-and-waiting period preceding it. My solution -- and I expect it will be the same for others -- is to ignore the news for a while. The fact is that we can't do much to solve the problem of Maria, or any other storm, and to spend day after day anticipating what it might do (or watching The Weather Channel anticipate what it might do) is overload for our already shattered nerves. By Thursday I may be ready for just a little bit of weather news.

Busy?

2017-09-17T19:21:00.002-04:00

Every day in the week since I last wrote, I have said I should write. As you may have noticed from my dark tone over the last month or so (as well as my "blog-neglect"), I was in a funk -- a Grand Funk, even. Yesterday, for whatever reason, I turned a corner, and I'm finally feeling more like the chipper self I aspire to be. The hurricane didn't do much to improve my mood, other than in keeping me stuck in the house for five days, which forced me to find things to do not to lose my mind. This was a good thing. And, for the record, I could have left after the first two days, but officials were asking people to stay off the road as long as they could. And two of the five days were the day before and the day of. My neighborhood was very lucky, but I can't explain how nerve-wracking it is to have that kind of storm bear down on you and not know what can happen. What did happen -- despite apparent photographic evidence that portrays all of Jacksonville as being under water -- was that some big limbs came down in my yard, and large trees came down in my neighbors'. A few mailboxes and shingles tore loose. A lot of debris was in the road. I'm not saying that parts of Jacksonville were not under water, but that was the exception rather than the rule.

So in my downtime -- classes were canceled from September 8 through tomorrow, September 18, and I missed two days before that with a virus or something -- I read. A few months ago, I bought two books about emotional eating. One wasn't very effective; I ate emotionally as I read it. So I lost interest in trying to get the bottom of my eating behavior, at least for a while. Last week I picked up the other book, and it really struck a chord with me. To be honest, it wasn't just my eating that was out of control. I felt like virtually everything in my life was out of control, and I was seriously worried about the schedule I will have to keep up starting this week. (I have one new class starting on Wednesday and another in early October, in addition to the four I started a few weeks ago.) Rarely in my life have I doubted my ability to do anything I set my mind to, but I was so thoroughly exhausted all the time that I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it. So I don't know if reading the book helped or if getting to the point where I wanted to read the book was itself the help. I haven't overthought it.

The book is called The Food and Feelings Workbook, which I know sounds a little hokey. I didn't do the exercises as I read but I may go back and do them later. It did give me some good insights into why I was feeling out of control and that is a good first step to regaining control. One of the big things I learned is to give myself a break. Part of emotional eating (and, I would imagine, other unhealthy or at least counterproductive behaviors) is the self-shame that follows it; that in turn leads to more comfort-seeking, often through food, and the cycle goes on and on. Now I tell myself I can eat anything I want and not feel guilty about it. And an odd thing happened: I have less desire to overeat. I have heard before that not worrying about food/weight can lead to better health/weight loss, but I think I was always afraid I'd totally lose control and end up gaining hundreds of pounds. Nope! So that has been a good discovery.

Much else had happened over the past few weeks, but I'll save that for another time.

Positive Path

2017-09-10T09:20:00.000-04:00

As you might imagine (or know, if you're in Florida), this has been a tense week. Even as I write this, at nearly nine in the morning on Sunday, the hurricane is twenty miles away from land in Key West. That's far from us here in Northeast Florida but probably not far enough. I am ultra-prepared, right down to my camping coffeemaker that plugs into my car outlet. So far, I still have power although from all indications and predictions, for whatever they're worth, it will go out at some point. That's okay. Between rain bands I can open my porch door and let in the fresh air.

I keep thinking I should be doing something productive (other than baking) but it's difficult to focus when I don't know if I might suddenly need to leave or if a limb might come through a window. My tall trees are usually the pride of my yard. Now, not so much.

Instead of pouting about being home alone in a hurricane, I'm taking advantage of the quiet time to rest and read -- in between doing window checks every few hours -- and also to bake some treats that I might distribute to neighbors after it's all over. I really have no idea how many people have stayed; we didn't get an evacuation order, but I know a lot of people went north and west anyway. Unfortunately, the one person I do know is still here is my idiot neighbor who blasts his TV. He didn't have it going last night, but it's been blaring since about seven this morning. Not that I care that much -- I've been up since about four.

As a throwback to my "Recipe Sundays", I thought I'd share a new recipe with you. I haven't actually tasted it yet, but it looks good. Oddly enough, I had all the ingredients on hand to make a coconut custard pie. I love pie. Every kind but cherry. The flavor is okay with that one, but the texture bothers me. Anyway, this coconut custard pie is supposed to make its own crust, which it appears to be doing. (It's still in the oven.) Whether it does or not, it's a beauty to behold, golden and puffy. So here goes:

Preheat oven to 325; butter or spray a 10" deep dish pie plate. Bring all ingredients to room temperature (soften butter) and mix well. Pour into prepared dish and bake for 30-40 minutes. Let cool; refrigerate.

4 eggs, beaten
1/4 butter
1 1/2 cups white sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
pinch salt
2 cups milk
7 ounces flaked coconut

Note: I just tried the pie, and it's delicious but a bit too sweet. I recommend cutting the sugar back by at least a half cup.

Saturation

2017-09-07T11:38:00.000-04:00

I'm in my living room, surrounded by nervous pets, watching The Weather Channel and trying to figure out whether to head out of town. The nearest voluntary evacuations -- a term that makes little sense to me; can't anyone leave voluntarily anytime? -- are a few miles east of me. A few hours ago I got a news alert saying that Jose is forecast to become a major hurricane by Friday. I assume that means tomorrow, but maybe it means next Friday. Time has been dragging as I (and I'm sure most Floridians) wait for more specific information on where the worst of this thing will be. It's rare for me to bounce back and forth on what to do, but I'm in that frame of mind now.

It doesn't help that I've had a sore throat and raging fever since about 3:00 yesterday morning. I didn't go to work yesterday or today, and I won't be going back until at least Wednesday because of storm closures. I keep thinking I need to clean my patio furniture and bring it in. I don't want my Moroccan table to fall and shatter into a million shards, and I also don't want a wrought iron chair (or "rod iron" if you're buying on Craig's List) to come soaring through my bedroom window. This is also the only time I get nervous about all the beautiful huge trees in my yard -- and throughout my neighborhood. I have three in my back yard that could cause a lot of damage if all or part came down.

Other than bringing in my lawn furniture, I have my own list of prep. (And as I say that, I am realizing that I don't have a battery-operated radio. Damn!) I will pack a suitcase with supplies for at least five days, and I'll put my passport and any other not-easily-replaceable documents there. I will pack a bag for pets and put it in the car. I have been making ice and putting it in containers for the past few days, and I have a case of bottled water. My cooler is at the ready, right next to the freezer. One thing I need to do is get my camping coffee maker out of the attic and put it in the car. I will probably keep coffee in the regular coffee maker, a small pot in the morning and in the evening. I'll keep my phone fully charged and get a good shower and hairwashing every day I can, in preparation for when I maybe can't. I'll keep all my laundry and dishes washed as long as I can. Otherwise, I'm not sure what to do.

Now the pets are sleeping -- on me. If I move or do anything, they get panicky, which only increases my agitation. I could clean or do some work prep, but it's hard to focus. In some ways this is similar to preparing for a blizzard -- with a big difference: Usually forecasters have a clearer idea of where a blizzard will happen. We won't have a good idea of where this storm is going until Friday night or Saturday morning. The only thing I can think of to do is bake something that doesn't require refrigeration. I'll just try not to eat it all.

Saying No -- and Not Right Now

2017-09-01T11:45:00.001-04:00

Three days into the first week of classes at two different colleges, a former student sent me an email asking for a letter of recommendation. That was Wednesday; she needed it Thursday. She was a good student, and I didn't have a problem writing a letter for her. I did have a problem doing it with one day's notice. So I told her I wouldn't do it until today (Friday) if she could wait until then. I expected her to say never mind, thinking that she may have sent a similar message to other previous instructors and would just take what she got. Instead, she was very grateful. I sent the letter off a few minutes ago.

This week has been a long one, but fortunately I don't have classes on Fridays. As much as I've hated leaving the house at 7:00 in the morning for my early classes, I absolutely love being finished on campus before 11:00 every day. Of course, my class time is only about a third of my work time (for that job, not to mention my other work!), but I'm always happy when I can finish early and get on with my day. However, I have had a hard time getting up at -- or, more precisely, a hard time sleeping until -- 5:00. I'm not sure whether everyone has this problem, but when I have to wake up to an alarm, especially when I haven't done it for a while, I wake up repeatedly through the night, worried my alarm won't go off. That's what happened all week. I'll get the pattern down soon.

The student letter situation was a "not right now," but I had a good "no" moment this morning. I don't want to get into what it was, except to say that some people are not satisfied when you help them. They will thank you but only feel emboldened to ask for more. This is shaping how much help I decide to give anyone. I won't feel taken advantage of; I know others can take only what I allow them to. But I'm getting good at no.

Carlos Kneads Me

2017-08-26T18:55:00.002-04:00

The end of this week was supposed to be me-time after I had completed my class prep. I haven't quite completed my prep, but I didn't cancel my pamper appointments. Yesterday it was a mani-pedi; today was a sixty-minute massage. Both were wonderful -- especially the massage -- but even as I tried to relax and be pampered, thoughts of student rosters and syllabi danced through my head. (This was less true today with Carlos, who was gorgeous and had a wonderfully firm but light touch as he massaged me. It was bliss, and afterwards I looked like I'd just gotten out of bed from an afternoon romp. I kind of felt that way too -- as I recall. It's been a while since my last afternoon romp.)

Both of these indulgences were Groupons I purchased quite some time ago. The massage (a package of three) was actually bought from credit I received when I didn't use a different Groupon. That is a relatively new feature, the trade-in, and I love it. Sometimes getting in to use the services I already bought just doesn't work out, so it's nice to have the chance to trade them in and not lose the money.

Lately I've been having a period of "I don't feel like it." This explains why I haven't been writing here every day and why I am unprepared for classes that start the day after tomorrow. As I've probably said before, I always get done what I need to. This year, it's all much more last-minute than usual, yet still I don't feel a strong sense of urgency. Because my first class is early Monday morning, I will email my papers (syllabi and other first-day stuff) to Office Depot tomorrow to have copies made. It will probably cost me between fifteen and twenty dollars, but my time matters more to me than money. Now I only have to hope my key fits my classroom. I was supposed to check that out last week.

7:30 a.m. Classes

2017-08-24T10:56:00.000-04:00

Starting next week, I'll have four classes (with another starting in October). Two days per week I'll have a class that starts at 7:30 a.m. and two different days I'll start at 8:00 a.m. The best part of this is that my second class each day is immediately after the first; even with office time I'll be finished before noon. Whenever I have the choice, I will work early and finish early. Today's (admittedly minor) predicament reinforces my reasons for preferring such a schedule.

I'm sitting around waiting until I need to leave for a 3:00 meeting. I loathe having anything to do later in the day because I feel like I can't get started on anything since I'll have to quit partway through. This is especially ridiculous as it's not even 11:00. I am showered and dressed, and I've already been out for a 9:00 doctor's appointment. I've dealt with my various email inboxes and paid some bills. I still need to finish my syllabi, but the thought of not getting it done before I go to my meeting has me holding off until after the meeting. Somewhere in there (my brain) I suppose I'm rationalizing why this is a good idea. The logical side of me -- such as it is -- tells me to get done what I can and pick up where I left off when I get back. I think this kind of processing gets me in trouble a lot of the time, in a variety of ways. Well, "trouble" may not be the right word, but certainly it inconveniences me in the long run.

My "don't start if you can't finish" philosophy often keeps me from starting -- although with work stuff I always get it ready in time, whether "it" is preparing or grading. With personal stuff -- housecleaning, shopping, sorting papers -- I really do have a hard time starting. And lately I've been in a weird mood of not feeling like doing anything but not being able to sit still. That was part of the reason I went to the doctor today; I needed to adjust some meds, including cutting back on some new blood pressure medication that was working a little too well. (My BP and heart rate have been really low since my doctor changed my medication a few weeks ago.) I'm hoping to have everything in sync and to be able to narrow my focus by Monday when my classes start. It might be a tall order, but it's good to have goals.

The Emperor

2017-08-21T20:18:00.002-04:00

According to my friend who reads tarot, my card this month is The Emperor. This means I am in charge of my life; all things are lining up in my favor. The message is, "Go for it!" I'm not exactly sure what "it" is. If I'd been paying attention, I would have seen that last month was supposed to be my time of coming into "it". I don't have my friend read for me every month, but I do ask her on my birthday (or thereabouts) to do a year-ahead reading for me. This year ends my nine-year cycle, so I'll be wrapping up loose ends and moving into a new nine-year cycle -- The Magician -- at the beginning of October.

I don't necessarily feel in charge of my life, or I don't feel like being in charge of anything. My productivity has been on an upswing the past few days. I think it's because of necessity (new classes start next week), but that's a choice, I suppose. In other words, I could decide not to do anything to prepare, which would lead to a bad start to my classes. It isn't so much that I'm motivated as that I'm more worried about the consequences of not getting everything ready. Whatever works, right?

In the next few weeks, I'll ask my friend to do my next reading. The past year has been a mixed bag, mostly good, and I know the stars (or cards) don't control my fate. But I've been having my cards read for almost twenty years and it's interesting how accurate -- even tiny details, not generalities -- my friend's interpretations are. When she first started reading for me, I thought she might be pulling details she knew from our spending time together into the "forecast". She moved across the country before I moved to Florida, and we've seen each other only a few times since then. She doesn't know a lot about what's going on in my life, and still the readings ring true in eerie ways.

Next month's card is Justice, which is also my life card. Apparently when a card appears in a "double position" its meaning is intensified. I'm going to see Justice as a good thing, because I feel like my karmic aura (and, yes, I'm poking fun with that phrase) is pretty solid. (Justice could be good or bad, depending on what one has done and how one has lived one's life.) I'll be interested to see how that manifests.

Less Machiavelli . . .

2017-08-20T18:38:00.000-04:00

and more Lao-Tzu. I was going to title this post "Everybody Hates Somebody Sometime" but that seemed like such a negative note for my return. I didn't mean to stay away for nine days, and each of those days I wanted to write. Somehow, though, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't have anything nice to say, so I decided to say nothing at all.

Tuesday was the last meeting of my summer class, and I gave students two options for their final essay, both responding to the writings of Machiavelli and Lao-Tzu. If you aren't familiar with these two writers, I'll give you the short version. Their views on government express two extreme ends of the spectrum, with Machiavelli being the cynic (or, some would say, realist) and Lao-Tzu being the idealist who believes that people will do the right thing and if all is left alone, the world will return to balance. Sure, it might tilt one way and sometimes the other, but it will come back to center. I realize our government (and most Western governments) are much more Machiavellian than Lao-Tzuian (I don't think that's really a word), but the Tao is an interesting philosophy on which to base leadership.

I don't want to talk about demonstrations or statues or terrorism, foreign and domestic, or any of the other important topics that have been occupying my headspace -- at least not right now. They make me too sad and frustrated to get into.

My volunteer group met yesterday, and I couldn't go because I'd been scheduled last-minute for online scoring. I posted on the site, in the event page, that I wouldn't be there but onsite staff would explain everything to volunteers. In a comment on the page, I saw that one of the members had said she didn't know she was in charge, and she followed her comment with an eye-rolling emoji. This pissed me off. She wasn't in charge, and until someone puts the amount of time, effort, and money into this group that I do, no one else will be. The eye-rolling in particular was obnoxious. My inclination was to lash out. After all, how convenient it would be to direct all the anger and frustration about other events at this woman! I didn't, and I wonder if I should be a bit more Machiavellian in my leadership of the group. He (Machiavelli) suggest that in such situations, one must do something to keep others from rising up. In his example, rumors persist about a town that is going to attempt to overthrow the prince. He says the prince must go to the town and slaughter everyone; whether the rumor is true isn't of consequence. The appearance that the prince would allow even the mention of his . . . what's the word I'm looking for? Subversion? Not exactly, but close. Anyway, you get the idea.

Ultimately I decided to leave it alone. I don't want to chase away my volunteers by being petty -- even if this certain volunteer makes the choice to be petty. It's kind of sad, I suppose, that she feels the need to be seen as so important. For the moment, I'll just be chillin' Lao-Tzu-style.

Yes, I'm Wearing Sweatpants (and It's 100 degrees)

2017-08-11T18:59:00.001-04:00

The last few days have been exhausting. Angus had a bad time with his oral surgery; the decay was much more extensive than even the vet knew, and he was in surgery for over four hours. He's eleven years old -- and now I know that doxies are more susceptible to gum disease; that would have been useful information several years ago -- and in pretty good health, but that was taxing. I brought him home that night (Wednesday) and he was totally out of it. As the anesthesia and pain meds wore off, he was in a great deal of pain. I couldn't give him any medicine until he ate, which he just wouldn't do. Mazie was so worried about him all night that she cried along with him in sympathy -- all night long.

Even yesterday morning, he wouldn't eat. The vet called to check on him, and I told her that he was obviously in a lot of pain. She asked me to bring him up to stay at the animal hospital for the day, where he received IV fluids and pain meds all day. He never did eat anything yesterday either. When I brought him home last night, he was pitiful. He just hung his head over the side of the soft new doggie bed I got him and looked at me with his huge eyes. There wasn't much I could do except stay close and offer him some snuggles. He's not generally much of a snuggler, but he did let me hold him like a baby, all wrapped up in a towel. He would only let me do that for short periods of time.

This morning, as soon as I got up, I offered him some food. No way. I took him outside and he peed for about five minutes. I thought that was probably a good sign. Prior to that he had just walked back inside on the two occasions when I'd tried to take him out. Still he wouldn't eat. I had to work until 12:30, but I called the vet as soon as my scoring shift ended. She said to try adding something to his food -- a little broth or rice, whatever might entice him. I had thought he couldn't have anything other than the soft food from the vet's office, but at this point I guess they were thinking we just needed to get something in him. She said if he wouldn't eat, I could bring him up for a pain shot, so I said I'd call back if I was bringing him.

I mixed tuna -- the good albacore stuff -- with his food and he wouldn't eat it. I opened a can of the soft food he had been eating before the surgery, and he wouldn't eat that either -- until I gave up and put it down for Mazie. Suddenly he wanted it! I shooed Mazie away and as Angus ate, I squeezed a syringe-full of his pain medicine onto the top. He never noticed, and scarfed down the full plate of food. (It was just a tiny plate.) I had already managed to get most of a dose of antibiotic in him, and this evening I gave him a different pain med in his last little meal. I am so relieved! I was crying along with him part of the time over the past few days; it just broke my heart to see him hurting so bad.

And all of that has to do with why I'm wearing sweatpants on a hot August day. Between working, class stuff, and tending to Angus I haven't had time to do much else. I did grab a quick shower this morning, but looking for anything to wear was a luxury I didn't have time for, not that I had many clean clothes. I had folded some workout clothes a few days ago and put them on the chest at the foot of my bed -- gray sweatpants and one of my kid's (not sure which one) old high school marching band t-shirts. Because they were the first clothes I saw, I put them on. Add in my pink flip-flops and my tightly-bunned hair and I'm sure I look terrific. But here's the upside: I put on clothes and worked at two different jobs today, my sink is clean and empty, and (most of) my laundry is done. And best of all, the old boy is on the road to recovery. He's lying in his bed at one end of the sofa. I'm going to get my pillow out and lie at the other end. We could all use some rest!

Cardio Dancing

2017-08-08T20:27:00.001-04:00

No, I'm not going to post my exercise of choice every day. But today I did something I didn't think I could: twenty minutes of aerobic dance. I had forgotten until yesterday that I subscribed to Gaiam TV a few months ago. In checking it out -- or re-checking it out -- I discovered a treasure trove of workouts. This is very helpful in my quest to do thirty minutes (or more) of activity every day. Tomorrow I might do kickboxing. I used to really enjoy that, but I haven't tried in at least two years, and probably closer to five. I remember one time when I was kickboxing in the living room and my son brought a friend home. She (my boys were allowed to have girls over if they kept the bedroom door open) saw what I was doing and I heard her say softly to my son, "Your mom is bad ass!" My thought was, "Damn right, girl, and you better remember that!" I was bad ass; I want to be bad ass again.

My glowy exercise feeling didn't last too long. I wasn't feeling very well by noon. I had a slight fever, but that didn't bother me too much. My head was a little "swimmy" and I wasn't sure why. Finally I took my blood pressure with my mostly-inaccurate home device. It was high. Oh, good grief! Was exercise going to mess me up? I took another shower and rechecked my blood pressure. I don't know why I thought it would be lower (it wasn't), but I'm a firm believer that a shower makes everything better. At this point I had about three hours until my class started. I decided to go by my doctor's office and have them check out my blood pressure with their much-more-accurate equipment. It was pretty high, and I'm on two medications. Not good.

The doctor came in to examine me. I had been clear that the weird dizzy feeling and the pressure in my head were not like I get when I have a sinus infection. I was right. I had an ear infection. Well, technically two, I suppose, one in each ear. Somehow I had managed to fill up my ears with fluid, and that was the cause of all my woes. The fever is obvious in how it's related. The high blood pressure, according to my doctor, was caused by my body thinking I was going to faint every time I moved, so it rose to compensate. I took a decongestant, went to my class, and dropped off a prescription to pick up tomorrow. I'm better already. When I thought about it, I realized that was probably the reason I couldn't work up any energy or motivation for the past few days. I think the exercise yesterday and today may have shaken it all up. My doctor was happy I was exercising and encouraged me to keep it up. He said the vertigo feeling would pass. I've had ear infections before, and they hurt like a son of a bitch. This doesn't hurt at all; it's just making me woozy. In a day or two I'll be good as new -- maybe better.

Yoga at Sunrise

2017-08-07T17:46:00.000-04:00

Last night before I went to bed, I knew that I had to shake up my routine. I wasn't sure exactly how, but something different needed to happen. It may not seem like I have a tedious routine; I'm the first to admit that I'm on the go a lot. Lately I have been wondering if I take so many short vacations just to get away from my house and the reminders there of what I have to do. Of course, that's why most people take vacations, I guess, but I've been on the road almost as much as I've been home over the last few months. I love to see new places. I love my house too. Over the past year, though, my house has not been the sanctuary I'd like it to be. The kitchen and the floors throughout look great, but I have boxes I packed up last summer -- still packed and taking up most of the room that will be my office. At first I was working a lot, then I was traveling, then I was tired. Now I don't want to deal with it, but I need some o the stuff in there and no one else is going to unpack the boxes and put things away.

My usual morning routine is to make coffee, pour a cup, grab my laptop, check my various inboxes, reply if necessary, and stroll through Facebook. My change wasn't drastic. I had to work from 8:30-5:00, so I couldn't do a whole lot before then. I started the coffee around 6:00 and had half a cup -- I rarely wait for the machine to finish brewing before I pour at least a little -- and decided I'd spend a half hour doing yoga before I got on with things. It was great! I didn't do anything too strenuous, just some gentle stretches and "chakra-opening" poses. I went straight from that to the shower and then stood on my porch for a few minutes. I'd like to say I was soaking up the sunshine, but the sun wasn't out and the humidity was awful. It wasn't especially pleasant, but I was happy that by 7:30 in the morning I had done more than I did all day for the past few days.

Nearly twelve hours later, I'm a little achy -- I haven't done yoga in a while -- but I notice that I'm standing up straighter and feeling more confident. I had hoped to get in a walk this evening and I still might. It's raining at the moment. After feeling blah for the last few days, I'm relieved that a small tweak helped so much. My goal for this week is to get in at least thirty minutes of quality movement, in addition to whatever incidental walking I do. Ideally I'll do it first thing in the morning. In the meantime, I'm going to do my best to be nice to myself. It's not always as easy as it sounds.

Crawling from the Rubble

2017-08-06T17:29:00.001-04:00

I'm angry -- at myself. It's Sunday evening and I've wasted most of the weekend. I did complete two thirds of the online class I have to take; otherwise, I've done very little. It really does feel like I'm crushed under the weight of a ton of bricks, looking for a way up and out. This isn't a new thing for me. I've dealt with "low lows" for most of my life. This is the first time it's happened in a long time. For the most part, I think I've been dealing with depression by eating -- a lot. I don't want to sound whiny here, but rather I'm describing what it's like. I know there's stigma associated with depression, and even well-meaning people are apt to suggest the someone in the depths just "snap out of it." I do that to myself too, and I get frustrated when it doesn't work. Or I'll take a different approach and remind myself that I have no reason to be depressed, that I have so much going for me. Those things are true, but as I understand it, depression is a biochemical imbalance that won't go away because I (or anyone else) tries to tell it to.

One thing that helps me is the knowledge that it never lasts forever. I try to think of it the way I would think of any malady -- like a bad headache or a broken bone, for example. It's uncomfortable and there are some things I can do to alleviate the pain, but what works best is giving it time and being nice to myself in the meantime. The sun has finally come out (literally -- I'm not getting metaphorical) so I'm going to salvage the last of the day by taking a nice walk. After that, I'll make a healthy dinner and then probably go to sleep. I've been taking a two-hour nap every afternoon since Friday, something I don't do often. Maybe it's helping, maybe not. But it does help the time pass.

Too Much!

2017-08-04T18:03:00.001-04:00

I am in one of my periods of overwhelm, and while my logical self says to "get 'er done" all the rest of me says "run away!" I chose to ignore my logical self today and do a hide-from-the-world nap. I've had a big week of OP (other people's) problems, combined with so much stuff I need to finish before the end of next week. My day would have been better spent focusing on what I have to finish, but after I spent a few hours dealing with my son's dog -- who has been having pain issues for the past few days and came to stay with me yesterday -- and finding out he (the dog) needs expensive surgery, I was kind of done in. The old boy was able to come home from the vet today; his surgery is scheduled for next Wednesday. Even though he doesn't live with me, he did for a long time and still stays with me often. He (like my dog and her baby) is certainly one of my own, and I hate to see him suffer. When I took him to the vet this morning he snapped and growled at the vet technicians. I have never seen him do that before.

My eldest son called shortly after I got home and asked me how it was going. I told him, probably way more than he wanted to hear. My kids and I are good at providing an ear for each other, but I am not usually overwhelmed by things -- or at least I don't usually let people know I'm overwhelmed. In addition to the Angus situation, the class I'm teaching is ending soon, fall classes start at the end of this month (I have five altogether), the class I have to take that I've been blowing off all summer is ending on August 11 and I have got to get it done, and my house is a wreck. I know I can't do everything at once, but today I felt like I couldn't do any of it. Unfortunately, I'm not much of a linear thinker, so rather than planning out the best way to do it and proceeding that way, I see it as a big pile of poo I need to wallow in all at once. The class I'm teaching is caught up so I just need to post some online work for that. The next shovel-load of poo will be the class I'm taking, which I'll do my best to finish tomorrow and Sunday. Whether it is or isn't my inclination to prioritize, I do have to figure out the best way to go about it all and knock out one thing at a time.

Nothing will get done tonight, that's for sure. I gave Angus a pain pill and Mazie and I (both of whom are non-medicated) had no problem joining a drowsy Angus on the sofa for a two-hour nap. Now my youngest son is sitting in his work parking lot with his non-starting car. I could drive down there to help. Instead I gave him some good take-care-of-it-yourself tips. I don't know anything about cars, so I told him to call a tow truck and get a ride home with his friend who works there. Tomorrow he'll have to find a ride to work and hope his vehicle is fixable. I would never tell my sons, "Not my problem," and I'm always willing to help. This week, though, I'm a bit depleted. I'll give advice from afar. That's pretty helpful. I give good advice.

Double-Edged Sword

2017-08-03T17:40:00.001-04:00

Today is my youngest son's twenty-fifth birthday. While I am delighted that he has grown into a productive member of society, I can't deny that sometimes I miss the days when my kids really needed me. My middle son was off work today (because he worked Saturday), so he and I met the youngest one for lunch. My kids' birthdays are always days of mixed emotions, and it seems to be more the case as they get older. I don't mean, of course, that I don't want them to get older! But I suppose it's natural to think about how tiny they were and how much they relied on me, and how as they got older and bigger they relied on my less. I know that's how it's supposed to work. As I have said before, I'm glad my sons want to spend time with me and that I want to spend time with them. I've known lots of people who didn't want to spend time with their parents, and I've also known a few parents who want nothing to do with their children. That's very sad.

Lately I've seen a meme going around on Facebook that says something about how doing a good job as a parent essentially pushes your children away from you. I guess that's true to an extent, although I don't look at it exactly that way. Maybe I've seen too many forty-year-olds still living at home with their parents, which probably isn't healthy for any of them. But back to my son's birthday . . . my middle son and I enjoyed an hour-and-a-half trip to Daytona, which was nice because we don't spend a lot of time together, just the two of us. (And of course we did enjoy the same trip in reverse after lunch.) I had baked a three-layer butter cake and frosted and decorated it. We got to the restaurant early, so I took the cake in and asked if they could keep it chilled for me. The staff was so nice. This was just a place we had found randomly -- it's called Nicola's Pizza and Subs -- that was approximately halfway between Winter Park and Jacksonville, but it turned out to be wonderful. We had a simple but delicious meal, after which I was able to surprise my son with the cake. I didn't have candles, so I had done twenty-five frosting stars on the top. He loved it -- the surprise, the cake, and the fact that I took the time to make it. Our server was so friendly and helpful I offered her a piece and she eagerly accepted.

Now I am back home, three pets surrounding me. (The old dog came home with me because my youngest son is moving this week.) The rain is beating down and I'm trying not to think about having a houseful of kids and noise. I'm sure in the moment, I didn't always appreciate it. But now, on occasion, I sure do miss it.

Things I've Seen

2017-08-01T21:34:00.004-04:00

Today has been a rough day. I was sore and tired from driving home yesterday, and I had a lot to do to get ready for my class tonight. Early this morning, someone close to me called and was having a very bad day. I wasn't entirely sure how to help this person, but I was concerned enough to drive across town to try. This isn't the first time this has happened; the person seems to want to find help during super-low points, but loses interest during high points. I know the rollercoaster. It isn't always easy, but I like the highs enough to roll with the lows -- when I can. I have taken medication for depression and anxiety on and off for most of my adult life. When I asked this person whether it was more a case of anxiety or depression, s/he (I prefer not to indicate who it is) said, "It's kind of hard to tell where one lets off and the other begins." That's a good way to put it.

So I offered to drive him/her somewhere to get immediate help. I am somewhat downplaying the seriousness of the issue. I was alarmed, and I do not "alarm" easily. I sat a few hours with him/her, not making a million suggestions (which was what I wanted to do) but listening and offering occasional advice. I did try to track down some resources, and I hope s/he took advantage of them. My quandary tonight has been how much to follow up. I don't want this person to think s/he can't handle things, but I am worried. Instead of continuously checking up, I have made myself available at any time and will call in the morning to see how things are going. I'm pretty good in an emergency; it's the ongoing situations I have trouble with, not always knowing how to help but always wanting to (maybe too much).

This isn't at all what I had planned to write about, as you can probably tell from my title. I was going to distract myself by telling you about weird things that had happened to people I know. But I'll save that for another time.

Not Very Exciting

2017-07-31T20:37:00.001-04:00

Sitting on my own sofa in my own living room may not seem very exciting to you, but I am thrilled to be here. I had a wonderful time having my granddaughter for a visit, driving her home, spending time with her dad and sister, and helping with the birthday party yesterday. I got up at 5:00 this morning -- something I used to do every day but usually don't anymore -- and was on the road before 6:30. I took lots of breaks along the way to stretch and hydrate. I wasn't sure I would drive all the way through, but I have to say it's much less tempting to stop and get a room when the sun is out. I am not particularly fond of driving (something that surprised people because I travel so much) but I'm especially "unfond" of night driving in places I don't know well. It isn't because I'm scared; it's because my lasik surgery fifteen years ago left me with a weird thing called a "halo effect": oncoming headlights turn into starbursts if there isn't a lot of ambient light. Around home, I'm fine. Even on the highway it's not bad as long as there's some separation between lanes (like a wide median). The worst is in a town I haven't been to before with two lanes, always worse with rain.

Anyway, here I sit after being on the road for thirteen hours including stops. I unpacked my car within fifteen minutes of being here and am about to start a load of wash. After my rambling lifestyle of late, this is my idea of excitement. Falling asleep within the next hour will punctuate my evening perfectly.

Life v. Blogging

2017-07-29T15:46:00.001-04:00

Last night around 11:30, I remembered I hadn't posted for the day. I was hanging out with my son and one of his old friends -- a young man I often refer to as my fourth son -- and I just decided to let it go. I could have excused myself and kept up my streak, but I was enjoying their company and our conversation too much. We -- mostly my son and granddaughters -- wrote and sang songs while my son and his friend played guitar. We ironed out details of tomorrow's party.

Truly, I hate to miss posting. But I don't get a whole lot of time to spend with my oldest son, so I want to savor every minute. And on that note, I'm getting back to making one of his favorite foods, macaroni salad, for the birthday party. My guess is that not all of it will last until party time, but I don't think the five- and six-year-olds will care too much about missing out on that.

I Want My Baby Back!

2017-07-27T21:33:00.000-04:00

I know this is going to sound like the most idiotic thing ever, but I don't like my new truck -- and I want my Tahoe back. When I traded it in, the salesman said the dealership was going to "wholesale" it, sell it to an out-of-area buyer who would then resell it. Last night he called to tell me that he thought he had a local buyer, a young couple who were very interested. Hmm. Actually, I feel like I was yanked by the dealer in a variety of ways, some of which may give me recourse if I return the truck and buy my old car back. I'm not sure exactly how to approach the whole thing, but the salesman call last night has made me think seriously about it. Now that I know Fernando is still close by -- and all his issues are fixed -- I want him.

The truck isn't bad; I just don't feel comfortable in it, as least not as comfortable as in the Tahoe. I realize it's been just two weeks, and I drove Fernando for thirteen years. But he is so good! I'll probably lose my down payment or at least the trade-in money, and I'll have to (at minimum) pay for the work that's been done. I need to decide how much it's worth to me to get back to my normal. I feel like a big dummy for getting caught up in the moment and allowing myself to be led astray by a salesperson. It's kind of all I've been talking to my son about since we arrived at his house a few hours ago -- and it's not helping that he totally agrees with me. Not about my being an idiot, but that salespeople will say whatever they have to and pull whatever dirty moves they can to get the deed done. I was hoping at least a little that he (my son) would talk me out of wanting to return the truck.

My youngest granddaughter, who is five, said, "That's funny! Usually mommies help their sons, but your son is helping you!" I replied that everybody needs a little help sometimes. And maybe that's the part that is eating at me. I do like my independence, but I don't always think things through as much as I should, and it's helpful for me to have a sounding board along when I buy something (or don't) to pull me back to reality. I won't complain about this too much, because I wouldn't want the opposite -- being reliant on others for every decision I make -- but even a lifetime of making every decision about everything for my kids when they were growing up and everything else I've done hasn't prepared me well enough for major purchasing situations. My brain is just tired. I'll let you know what happens.

Checking In

2017-07-26T23:32:00.002-04:00

I'd like to tell you where I am but I can't. I'm not being mysterious; I don't know my location other than that I'm in South Carolina near the intersection of Routes 301 and 26. I knocked out just over four hours of the drive, barely a tiny dent in the twelve-hour drive. At least it will make tomorrow's drive a little shorter, and my granddaughter had her first Waffle House experience. So long -- it's late and I'm tired.