The Fluent Self

Very Personal Ads #150: but is it luscious?

Havi Brooks — Sun, 27 May 2012 18:39:23 +0000

Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Oh, hey there, VPAs.

As always happens right after Rally (Rally!), I have way more information about what I want… both in life and in general.

And I feel less conflicted about wanting it.

On the other hand, I’m also hyper-conscious of all the things that aren’t working or feel incongruent.

Anyway, all my asks this week have to do with Hoppy House, and giving my home some serious warm, loving attention.

Thing 1: changing/adjusting my concept/definition of “home”.

Here’s what I want:

This word needs some rewriting.

Or: I need to give it a new definition.

Either way, I want to feel less conflicted and more sparkly about this thing that is HOME and a home for me.

Ways this could work:

I can invite metaphor mouse to come and save the day!

I can OOD it.

And I can reread my post about how everything is a home for everything else, and maybe that will spark some things.

Also, I can interview Slightly Future Me since she’s already figured this thing out.

I’ll play with…

Getting quiet.

Investigating internally and looking at threads and themes. Like hidden associations, personal style, desire, etc.

Thing 2: new curtains for the kitchen.

Here’s what I want:

I am done now — now? now! — with things that belonged to Claudia, even the things that I like.

Suddenly it seems very important for my space to hold all — and only — things of my choosing.

Some of that is impossible at the moment, of course. But it’s a theme. And I’m following it. Seems like an important symbolic change.

[And yes, I just realized this is actually a proxy for another thing.]

Ways this could work:

Didn’t someone recently tell me about a place where they had tiny kitchen-window curtains?

I can’t remember.

I’ll play with…

Looking, exploring, thinking about color and pattern.

Also I want to talk to Rebecca’s friend, who will have ideas.

Thing 3: tablecloths, kind of.

Here’s what I want:

Beautiful, fun, lusciously patterned tablecloths.

Okay, so here’s the thing about this one. When I was on chrysalis and then at Rally last week, Luscious Me made a surprise appearance.

As it turns out, she’s hilarious, feisty, very opinionated, and she wants EVERYTHING to feel luscious.

Sometimes (most of the time) I do not have even the slightest idea what that means. But then I’ll be considering a thing, and she’ll ask: “But is it luscious?“.

And then I have to admit that no, it isn’t. Then we find a solution that *is* luscious, and everything is better.

So if she says tablecloths have to be luscious, then they have to be luscious.

Ways this could work:

There’s a place in Multnomah Village that might have what I’m looking for. But I will also peek downtown.

I’ll play with…

Trusting my instincts.

I don’t know why it’s so hugely important to Luscious Me that we have tablecloths now and this particular kind and that they be “luscious”…

But it seems like it’s really a big deal, so I’m just going to go with it.

And if the monsters don’t like it (they don’t!), we can ask the board of internal scientists to test the hypothesis that Luscious Me might have a point. And then we’ll take notes.

Thing 4: the hamsa

Here’s what I want:

[Silent retreat!]

Ways this could work:

Staying focused on the qualities involved inside of this want:

Beauty. Permission. Safety. Steadiness. Truth. Remembering. Signs. Trust. Sustainability. Transition.

I’ll play with…

Drawing it.

Thing 5: writing out the dream.

Here’s what I want:

I finally got a glimpse (thanks to a spectacular shivanautical epiphany) of what I want my house to look and feel like.

Now I’d like to document as much of this as possible and write the vision into being.

Ways this could work:

Sitting. Waiting. Playing.

Skipping some stones.

I’ll play with…

The part about permission to want.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

You guys! Last week was AMAZING. Hard, but amazing. And the Very Personal Ads (which I wrote on the bus back to Portland) seemed so far-away and impossible, but then the most incredible and astounding things happened anyway.

The ask about taking my time and permission to take time was hugely helpful.

Then I wanted help with my ongoing investigation into my new role at Stompopolis, and I had a massive epiphany that completely solved everything.

I had lots of asks related to Rally (Rally!), and they all came true.

The BIG ask was about courage, and it was there when I needed it. In fact, I kind of snuck in a mini-ask inside of that ask, hoping that the courage would show me the next step so I could do the thing eventually. But I was able to do the thing immediately!

Also I wanted to use Playing Hooky as my proxy mission for Rally, and that was surprisingly useful.

There was something about Revue, which also happened.

And then I wanted a toiletry bag but not to call it that. And I totally did not explain that ask very well, sorry! I wanted the bag itself to put the containers in, not the containers/system, but that didn’t come across very well. A lesson to me in being more clear, which I can always use!

Thanks, Jesse, for suggesting the just-right thing, and to absolutely everyone for being loving and creative and throwing lots of ideas out there. Yay, VPAs!

Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.

Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!

xox

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

Friday Chicken #199: over the bridge

Havi Brooks — Sat, 26 May 2012 01:30:46 +0000

In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

One hundred and ninety nine chickens, you guys!

Take one down…

Pass it around…

Etc etc.

The hard stuff

Not ready to come back to Portland.

My half-Emergency-Vacation-half-chrysalis ended before I was ready for it to end. Noooooooo! Not ready!

I did sneak in one extra day because Slightly Future Me told me to (and, as it turns out, she is a genius).

But I really didn’t want to come back.

Add to this: realizing I’d severely underestimated a) my state of depletion, b) necessary amount of recovery time, c) my desire to be on my own to do on-my-own stuff.

Endings, in general.

Lots of them right now.

It’s been really interesting (interesting-hard!) to see which ones are standing in as proxies for other ones.

For example, I shed tears and agonized over a tiny, meaningless ending related to a television show that I don’t even like, but had pretty much no reaction to a much bigger ending.

Wanting things to be done that are not done.

Like the website for Stompopolis.

Or the system change that will allow us to open.

Other things outside of work that seem to be in a state of limbo.

Patience.

Discovering a thing that I want, but not yet having the resources in place that allow me to act on the wanting.

Tired.

Oh, and dark circles under my eyes.

Discovering a Gigantic Flaw in a thing that was almost ready.

And trying to solve it.

Hard conversations.

That’s pretty much never fun.

Change is good but figuring out new reconfigurations is hard, y’all.

That’s all I want to say about that, so silent retreat!

The good stuff

Going away.

Being on chrysalis changed EVERYTHING.

And I know I said that last week, but it was actually the weekend part of chrysalis where things really all started to make sense.

Trusting my instincts even when they seemed preposterous.

I committed to listening to Incoming Me.

I didn’t buy a bus ticket home because she told me not to. I moved hotels when she said to move hotels.

Basically I did every single thing she told me, and it was all exactly just right.

She even had all sorts of perfect simple solutions for things that usually set off all my stuff.

Sunday.

I pretended it was a Toozday, and then it mysteriously and astonishingly turned out to be the best Toozday ever.

Being wrong!

Not only was I outrageously wrong about a bunch of things I’d assumed were true, I was actually DELIGHTED to discover this was the case.

Turns out that all sorts of things I’d thought were Giant Depressing Pieces of Truth That Need To Be Resolved Over Time were all monster mutterings.

Being wrong!

Change…

Endings are not bad. Endings are not bad. Endings are not bad.

This is what came to me like a clear ringing bell the morning after our craziest Shiva Nata practice at Rally.

Endings. Are. Not. Bad.

I knew that before but this time it was that full-body tingly truth that is the hallmark of the kind of epiphany that can only be described as stoopid.

Deleting things.

Everything is starting to feel more harmonious and congruent. This is a very big deal.

Derby! Derby! Derby!

Admittedly the national season got off to a shaky start with Rose City’s Wheels of Justice playing disastrously against Windy City and then pulling out a miracle to win in the last jam.

But then beating Denver felt really solid. We had the lead the entire time. They skated hard but it just didn’t matter.

But then this past weekend was seriously nail-bitey, with an away game against the Texecutioners. That win was just pure delight. I can’t even tell you how happy I am about it. Final score 148:117.

And then the team went on to beat Houston the next day 301-79. Just for fun.

Reconnecting to my superpowers.

First I had the superpower of Nothing Is Wrong.

Then I had the superpower (thanks to Shiva Nata) of realizing that Especially The Things That Seem The Most Wrong Are Actually Amazing! And then I was able to find the good super fast, instead of wallowing in the hard and then finding the good.

Plus I reconnected with the me who knows about luscious, after thinking I had lost her forever. Wow.

Gigantic epiphanies.

Understandings, realizations, being knocked over by amazement.

Plus a bridge talked to me! Again. But this time it was different.

WATER. Bathing and looking out at the water. Doing yoga and looking out at the water. Waking up and looking out at the water. Watching the water.

Past me is also a genius, as it turns out.

A precaution that past me built into my phone’s contact list a year ago came to my rescue this week in an absolutely remarkable way!

Yay, past-me.

And yay, person who found my phone and knew exactly what to do.

I had the hard conversation and I am still okay.

None of the terrifying things I’d feared came to pass.

The courage that I asked for in the Very Personal Ads on Sunday was there when I needed it.

Time.

Especially: having an evening at home with both time to myself and energy to putter.

Lots of cleaning up, reorganizing and congruence-ing. I can’t remember the last time this happened.

Rally! Rally #20.

Yet again, a bunch of bright, clever, creative, funny, sweet, thoughtful, goofy, kind-hearted people showed up at the Playground to Rally (Rally!) with me.

We giggled, we ate amazing food, we had tingly epiphanies, we changed our internal worlds.

RALLY. It is Not. Like. Anything. Else.

People talking about Rally magic in the Twitter bar.

Amy asked what Rally is like.

And here’s how people who have been to Rally replied:

Leela: Space for your brain to melt so it can reshape the way it really wants to be.

Simone: It’s where I learned about being Loved for the first time in my life.

Andrea: It’s like a magical grilled cheese that finishes your projects + makes you more money.

And then there’s always this exactly-right post….

Of course none of these things really describe Rally, because Rally DOES NOT TRANSLATE.

It can’t be described because of the way it’s constantly magic-ing things up between the raindrops and below the surface.

But these are all perfect beautiful koans that sum up truth. Truth!

Also, these people are now all my friends because when you do something as intense and beautiful as Rally, you kind of can’t help madly loving the amazing people who are there with you.

Huge appreciation for everyone who has Rallied and for everyone who will Rally and for everyone who might, who knows, someday possibly be able to consider Rally or whatever marvelous thing I will be experimenting with when the time comes.

We’ll be at 200 chickens next week.

We’ve never missed a week.

I wish I could go whisper-that to past-me who didn’t think we’d make it past ten.

The fun part of the Chickening happens here.

Tabstravaganza! Or: what’s Havi been up to with all those open Firefox tabs?

Ohmygod Deutsch Doodles!. And with my all-time favorite German expression too. Thanks @chloewrites for the link.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

This week’s band is louder than you’d expect.

Shady Government Agency

Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

Rally prices go up soon. Come. To. A. Rally.

June might be full? I have to check with the First Mate and then update the page. But there are a couple spots for July and September.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

Very Personal Ads #149: hooky hooky hooky play play play

Havi Brooks — Mon, 21 May 2012 19:00:54 +0000

Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Thing 1: Taking my time. And permission to take time.

Here’s what I want:

There’s are several things (mostly internal but also work-related) that I’m currently working my way through, and it’s taking way longer than anticipated/estimated.

I want to be okay with that, and start actively giving myself more permission to take time with things that need time .

Ways this could work:

I have a rough draft of a permission slip.

This could be part of my mysterious project that I play with this week at Rally (Rally!).

And of course I can bring it to the Floop.

I’ll play with…

Finding out which parts of me think that taking time is dangerous. I will listen to them and ask curious questions until I know what they need to feel safe.

If I run into giant scary monsters, I’ll bring in an imaginary negotiator.

Thing 2: The ongoing investigation.

Here’s what I want:

I have been learning all sorts of useful (and sometimes terrifying) things about how I want to live and work.

This is all related to my new role as the director of Stompopolis, and expanding the Playground and all of that.

This past week while I was on chrysalis, aka running awaaaay, and staring at the water, I got some useful information.

Now to consolidate it, let it percolate, see what’s next.

Ways this could work:

Doing some Shiva Nata to shake loose a few more epiphanies, of course.

I’ll play with…

Skipping some stones every day after old Turkish lady yoga.

Thing 3: Rally (Rally!)

Here’s what I want:

This week is Rally, you guys! Rally!

I love Rally so much I can hardly bear it. And this is Rally #20, if you can believe that.

Anyway! I want to be calm, steady, stable, grounded, present. I want to trust the fractal flowers and follow my instincts. I want to be able to work on my personal projects and Stompopolis at the same time. I want OUTRAGEOUSLY GREAT realizations, and lots of perfect simple solutions.

And I really need the internal and external projects to either collaborate and play together, or to take turns and secretly work on each other at the same time.

Ways this could work:

Conscious entry. Asking for what I want.

I’ll play with…

Planting it here.

Thing 4: Courage.

Here’s what I want:

This is the quality I want to connect with the most right now.

Ways this could work:

I’m not sure. I don’t have a strong sense of what it’s like yet, but I am pretty good friends with the quality of presence, and I know they are related.

I’ll play with…

There is definitely a part of me who knows all about courage. I will talk to Courageous Me. Also to past versions of me who did courageous things even if it didn’t feel good. Maybe they can help me destuckify some old pain.

Invoking bravery and excitement. Saying: Bon courage!

Because it’s fun to say.

Related to courage, there is a thing I want to say but am not saying it. I’ll silent retreat the rest of this for now.

Thing 5: Playing hooky!

Here’s what I want:

Playing hooky is both my cover story and my current proxy for a thing I’m working on.

I am determined to learn all there is to know about playing hooky. Or at least: everything that I don’t know that I know.

Ways this could work:

Paying attention.

I’ll play with…

Playing hooky! See? Like that.

Thing 6: Revue!

Here’s what I want:

To write up a Revue of last week’s chrysalis.

Ways this could work:

Maybe in the form of a letter to slightly future me?

I’ll play with…

Wanting what I want.

Thing 7: Toiletry kit? Is that what that’s called?

Here’s what I want:

It seems like we already talked about this when metaphor mouse was helping us travel. Or was that Barrington?

But I want a better system than just haphazardly tossing little pots of face cream and such into my suitcase.

Ways this could work:

I’m positive that someone I know has already solved this. If you have a solution that you love, can you leave a link here? Or describe it? Thank you!

I’ll play with…

Asking. Maybe doing an OOD to find out if there is hidden resistance, or symbolic stuff happening.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

Okay! I wanted the best possible prep for my holiday. And I didn’t think it would happen but then I got a reprieve of an extra day, and it totally happened. MAGIC.

I wanted a successful Maiden Voyage of the pirate crew testing out the new systems at Stompopolis. And the main part of that ask was that it would happen completely without me. So it happened so completely without me that I actually don’t know how it went, because I’m only just now returning from chrysalis. So that seems like a good sign. I mean, maybe it was disastrous? But the fact that I don’t know if it was or wasn’t is good news to me.

Then I wanted the magic of chrysalis, and it was the Best Chrysalis Ever. Seriously. The bridge and the crossing and the water and everything. I wouldn’t change a second of it.

Also there was a lot of stuff about letting go, trusting and patience. And I get a million trillion sparklepoints because I excelled at that this week, even though all three of those things are generally not something I can do.

So I find myself happily surprised to find that last week’s asks went deeper than I’d realized, and that I’m feeling good about all of them. No need to rewrite or re-ask.

Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.

Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!

xox

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

Friday Chicken #198: the shortest chicken in the history of chickens

Havi Brooks — Fri, 18 May 2012 08:56:17 +0000

In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

This week was all about Going Dark, which is what I call it when I must run awaaaaay!

Part chrysalis, part Emergency Vacation. But mainly, run awaaaaay!

This is how I wanted to prep for Rally (Rally!), which is — ohmygod the twentieth Rally!?!?! Wow. And yay! — starting on Monday.

And it was also a chance to let the new Pirate Crew run Stompopolis without any help from me. Scary. And awesome.

So basically the hard and the good this week was all the same.

For example, watching Grimm put this song in my head. If that isn’t the most horrible and wonderful thing ever, I don’t know what to say. Mein Schatz, es ist vorbei.

See what I mean? It was all the same.

The hard stuff

Being gone (and preparing for being gone).
Traveling.
Not being in charge.
Trusting that things will run without me.
Busy mind. Lots to think about.
Not having access to computer or internet.
Transitions! So much hard!
Decision-making! So much hard!
Recovery.
Not doing.
Processing.
Getting ready for the returning.

Bonus hard stuff?

[Silent Retreat!]

The good stuff

Being gone.
Traveling.
Not being in charge.
Trusting that things will run without me.
Lots to think about.
No access to computer or internet!
Transitions! Transformations!
Decision-making! I can do it!
Recovery.
Not doing.
Processing.
Getting ready for the returning.

Bonus good stuff…

Lunch with the amazing Maryann Devine, whom you may already know from the wonders of Secret Play Date. And getting to give her a tour of the new space.

Also: Sunday Parkways! Where I saw:

2 women jitterbugging, 115 adorably-helmeted-adorable-tiny-children, 16 outrageous bicycle-like contraptions, 29 timbers jerseys and one slightly-drunky falling off his bike.

Add to that a couple of opt-in lovely water-soakings via supersoaker, and a grown man wearing only a diaper, and I have to say: it was pretty great.

And this absolutely beautiful post from Hiro on success. I love this so much.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is… more fun than they sound, I guess.

Rocking harder than you’d expect, that’s their thing.

Dutiful Grumpanion

It turns out though that the whole band is really just one guy. Weird, right?

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

Come. To. A. Rally!

There are only two happening next year, so this is the time.

There’s a stowawayship scholarship ship available for June.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

Very Personal Ads #148: Wait, what happened to 147?

Havi Brooks — Mon, 14 May 2012 01:14:58 +0000

Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Somehow I managed to run week #146 twice in a row.

Alas for poor week #147 which never got to be named.

Hi, 147! I wave to you from afar.

Anyway, here we are. And I have WISHES!

Thing 1: Best possible prep for my holiday.

Here’s what I want:

I am — or will be trying to — run awaaaay! All week.

But so much needs to happen before I can take off.

I need smoothness, steadiness, trust, hope and other good things.

And then either I get a ridiculous amount of stuff accomplished. Or, option b: I don’t, but I don’t care.

Ways this could work:

Feeling energized and excited!

Everything works.

I get help and support from a partner in crime.

Whoooooosh!

I’ll play with…

Doing Shiva Nata to get in the zone and spark some epiphanies.

Thing 2: Successful Maiden Voyage.

Here’s what I want:

While I am away the new Pirate Crew at Stompopolis will be test-driving all the systems.

Without me.

I want this go smoothly, to be fun, to support the spirit of the space.

Ways this could work:

I could stop trying to momma bear everything.

I could work on my stuff about letting go, and transitioning into this new role where, after nearly seven years of running everything, I’m not in charge anymore.

And I can commit to really and truly removing myself from the process.

Also, I can write up a brief red button ritual that they can do if things start to go weird, just in case. But then I’m gone! Honestly!

I’ll play with…

Slowing down my breath. Doing some old Turkish lady yoga. Consulting Slightly Future Me.

Thing 3: the magic of chrysalis!

Here’s what I want:

My trip is so much more than vacation.

It’s about meeting incoming-me halfway.

It’s a Crossing.

And so that’s what I’m committing to.

Ways this could work:

I don’t know yet. That’s kind of the point.

I’ll play with…

Patience. Receptivity. Paying attention.

And skipping lots of stones.

Thing 4: Letting go. Trust. Patience.

Here’s what I want:

Oh, man.

Every year, or so it seems. there’s some new part to running a business that involves deeper and deeper levels of trust.

Hiring the first assistant. The first bookkeeper. The first full-time person. The first offices. Opening the first center.

Each time it seems terrifying, and then it’s fine. Well, except with the first bookkeeper, who totally screwed me. But you know what I mean.

Each transition requires more trust, more backing off.

And now with Stompopolis, I’m going to have the pirate crew basically running the whole thing. I won’t be able to call a time out. It’s weird.

I’m sure it will be amazing, eventually, but right now it’s kind of scary. I would like things to be FINE, and for me to remember, OH RIGHT, things are FINE. And for this to happen smoothly and speedily, please.

Ways this could work:

Presence.

Paying attention to the part that is my stuff. Using the tools.

I’ll play with…

Writing an OOD.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

I wanted a perfect solution to an untenable situation, and I’m still not sure what’s happening there. But things have calmed down considerably, so that’s good.

Then I asked to feel excited and energized, which (let’s be honest) I did not think was an actual option. BUT IT WORKED! It was crazy. I’m still kind of shocked by the whole thing. In fact, it worked so well that I’m going to re-ask it for this week too.

The next bit was about enjoying the Hush Hush Rendezvous, and that was incredible. So much fun!

I had an ask about dissolving, and it worked.

And I had an ask about the thing with the door, and it got taken care of!

Yay.

Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.

Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!

xox

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

Friday Chicken #197: so close so close

Havi Brooks — Fri, 11 May 2012 21:52:04 +0000

In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

This was a wild ride of a week. A lot of it was pretty sweet, I seem to remember, but it’s hard to tell because so much happened.

I’m heading straight to the new hammocks to recover.

Let’s see…

The hard stuff

Allergies. Allergies? What?

Finally got over the virus. Then knocked out by allergies.

I never get allergies. This is stupid.

Noise.

First a fire alarm test at Stompopolis.

Then construction next door.

Everything being outrageously behind schedule.

I’m not even talking about missing our opening date. That’s fine. Sometimes things require time and process. It’s just how it is.

But the other things! I am not yet able to be fine with that.

The lights arrived, five weeks late.

We’re finally getting air conditioning, which was supposed to happen ages ago. Still no word on the fans.

Anyway, constant re-adjusting.

Fix-it-ey people in and out.

Every time the new Playground is all glow-ey and shiny and sacred space, a bunch of workmen come through and the energy is off.

It used to be like that with the first Playground and I can’t remember how long it took until the space was a strong enough container that things didn’t get shaky.

Lots of clearing out.

Really, really tough decision making.

Hard stuff.

Ow, brain.

Overwork plus allergies plus decisions plus deadlines.

I feel very upset about three different situations.

And I can’t talk about any of them right now. RAWR!

Thursday.

I did a thing (skipping morning glow-sitting and yoga) that is pretty much guaranteed to make the day a mess. And it did.

Then: monsters.

Wanting to put my feet up.

What am I, a thousand years old? I have never in my life said the words, “I need to put my feet up.” Until this week when I said it all the time.

I mean, I am not opposed to forms of horizontal and/or elevated resting. And yes, sometimes it is hammock time. Stop! Hammock time!

And sometimes I put my legs up on the wall for some lovely Viparita Karani.

But verbally expressing the need for elevated feet? I don’t know what this is about, but it’s getting on my nerves.

It’s almost Rally and I promised myself a vacation before Rally.

It needs to happen.

There is no other way.

But time is running out. It can’t not happen, so the me who knows how to make it happen is invited to show up.

The good stuff

Energized! Yay!

After last week’s virus and exhaustion, it seemed like it would take ages to get back into the groove.

I asked — in the Very Personal Ads — to feel energized again, but didn’t actually believe it would work.

It did! I woke up early every day, excited and happy. It was INCREDIBLE.

Oh, I needed this.

The transformation of space.

The new Playground at Stompopolis really came into its glowing radiant wondrous self this week.

It’s here. It feels exquisitely magical.

I am so proud and happy right now. This has been such a massive endeavor, it’s amazing to see all the parts come together.

New costumes!

There’s that place across from SCRAP where they sell vintage clothing by the pound, and they now have costumes.

As you may or may not know, I feel very strongly about costumes, and also we have a very fabulous Costumery at the Playground.

Anyway, $25 got us two giant bags of costumes, all of which now live at Stompopolis.

Also: thank you, Mechaieh, for the donation of a very stunning hat. It is spectacular.

Extremely delicious foods.

If you’re coming to Rally (Rally!) this month (or in June, July or September), get excited about foods.

The Argentinian food cart moved a couple blocks closer to the Playground. The spinach empanadas are to die for. And if you eat meat, apparently everything else is incredible too.

There’s a new Indian place that specializes in street food offerings, a new Iraqi place, a bunch of new carts, and a circus. With food! All on NE Alberta St, which is where the Playground lives.

Of course, we already had way too much good food in the neighborhood, but this is out of control.

I tried a bunch of new places this week, and YUM.

PROGRESS! Serious, serious progress.

Among the many, many things that happened with the new space this week:

We ran the Hush Hush Rendezvous for the new pirate crew, and it was a great success.
Changed up the schedule, added a shift, and stopped calling them “shifts”, thanks to metaphor mouse. It’s now First Watch, Second Watch, and Third Watch.
Set up the party to create the new PLUM (Playground User Manual).
And now we’re almost done with the new PLUM and it’s gorgeous.
Found a Head of Crew, who renamed the position and is now The Noodler!
We have the Hush Hush Crew facebook group and google calendar up and running.
Much progress on all the official entry and exit procedures for crew.
A gorgeous new table for the arts & crafts station!
Wonderful new decorations, like the orange tree in the Toy Shop, the PLAY letters over the elevator shaft, the magical signs, the general sparkliness.
We renamed the nap room so that it’s now the Caboosery! Also, it is now carpeted.
Renamed the upstairs (original) Playground to be the Hidden Playground, and then gave it an awesome secret code name.
Found the right gumball machines.
And a bunch of other things that I’ve been asking for in the VPAs but haven’t found yet.
We have a date for the A/C install.
And the new lighting finally arrived, finally finally.
Also a brand new design for the Treasure Map, which is now the amazing DECODER COMPASS! Ordered the postcards. Happy.
A bunch of big decision-making meant we were able to give a NO on a question that had been stressing me out. And that NO meant that I can put off a whole section of systems-creation.
We’re running a Maiden Voyage period where Crew gets to play, work and practice systems. And then we’ll just casually morph into being OPEN TO THE PUBLIC!!!!!!

The L”g B’omer PLUM picnic.

I had been dreading creating the new Playground User Manual, because the first PLUM took such a long time to make.

But we had a picnic! For L”g B’omer.

And the crew came and we did arts and crafts and ate snacks. It was delightful.

Hooray for help.

Yet again, the Floating Playground is a really good place to process.

I am a genius for inventing it.

Sun. Movement. Trust. Flow.

Thank you.

Obama finally speaks up for marriage equality.

I would have thought that I was too pissed off about how long it’s taken to be happy about this.

But you know what? I’m thrilled.

It’s about time.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band comes by way of Rhiannon, and they sound pretty much the way you’d expect: loud, happy and slightly inebriated.

Lucky Butter Explosion.

You’ll be happy — but not at all surprised — to find out that… it’s actually just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

If you don’t have the Monster Manual & Coloring Book, get it.

I see what happens at the Floop when people use it, and the results are mind-blowing. This is a life skill that you will use forever. I recommend!

Also, come to Rally (Rally!) so you can have discoveries and epiphanies and generally change things up. And then we will giggle and eat empanadas.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

Hello, May. 2012.

Havi Brooks — Thu, 10 May 2012 21:27:55 +0000

It’s definitely, definitely May, and I am ready to say hello to May in its May-ness. Hi, there. Hi, there.

And I decided I want to use that set of four questions from the book about Crucial Conversations that I’ve been working with. So. Let’s try that and see what happens.

Hello, May! What do I really want for me in relation to May?

I want steadiness.

I want to feel grounded, steady, energized and full of vitality.

I want to welcome May with open arms, even when I feel ambivalent about some of the things that have come in with the month.

What else?

To appreciate the useful things that past me has done to set things up for me-now. And to be patient about the parts I don’t understand yet.

To remember TRUTH:

How I take care of myself is the process. It’s not something that happens alongside the process.

And I want to remember, as always, that now is not then.

May and I get to have a brand new relationship each year. We don’t have to repeat old patterns if we don’t want to. Now-me and now-May can figure things out.

And what do I want for May?

I want May to feel appreciated! And welcome!

May should know that I adore all this sun. And that even though I can’t be outside frolicking as much as I would like, I’m still appreciating the SPRING of it all.

May, please know that I am excited about all the new things! I am.

And yes, okay, I was very grumbly at the beginning of the month about its arrival. That’s because I was locked into all these schedules and timetables, and giant throngs of monsters were telling me that we were BEHIND, and also DOOM!

The truth is, though, I am happy you are here. I am happy for good smells and for sitting in the garden. I am happy for Rally (Rally!), and I am looking forward to my sweet, sweet holiday.

And what do I want for the relationship between me and May?

Comfort. Integrity. Curiosity. Patience.

Exploration. Buoyancy. Silliness. Play. Streamers.

How would I act differently if this were really and truly what I wanted?

I might take more time to get clarity on what I want.

Having this spaciousness might make it easier to stop blaming time for going faster than I’d planned/expected, which might make it easier to deal with where we are right now.

But mainly I’d go outside and blow a bunch of bubbles, and that seems like a pretty good plan.

Join me if you like. The commenting blanket fort.

This practice has been changing every month.

For variations, peek at: July / August / September / October / November / December / January / February / March / April.

You are welcome to write your own hello letter to May or drop off some gwishes.

We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We take responsibility for our stuff. And we make this a safe space by not telling each other what to do, how to be or how to feel. We make room for each other.

Wishing you a safe, sustainable May full of unexpected good things.

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

A set of four questions.

Havi Brooks — Tue, 08 May 2012 18:54:40 +0000

Over the past several weeks, I have been asking the same four questions.

This set of four questions has been my anchor. For pretty much everything.

I ask these four questions when I enter things. Before conversations. Before meetings, meals, decisions. Another way of preparing for the voyage. Or to say, Hello, Day.

It’s been hard for me to write, hard to explain what’s been going on. But these four questions keep bringing me back to certain internal truths that are steadying and reassuring.

The four questions.

I took these from a book called Crucial Conversations. It’s supposed to be a technique for communication, but I’ve been applying it to inanimate objects, monsters, hopes, ideas and anything else I run into.

The first question is about what I want for me.

The second question is about what I want for [the other ___________ involved]. In the book, they’re imagining that there is a person on the other end. Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t. But there is something that you’re encountering.

The third question is what you want for that relationship, between you and X.

I think the fourth question is: “How would I behave if that were true?”

I have stuff about behaving, so my version is usually more like, “What might I be doing differently assuming that’s really what I want?”

But basically the question points out that there are places where we’re not acting in accordance with the thing we really want. And that there are ways to be more harmonious with the wanting. I like that.

Okay, I don’t always like it. But I find it useful.

Anyway, here is what this looks like in action.

Hello, experience of sadness that is not mine.

1) What do I want for me in relation to this sadness?

I want to remember that now is not then.

I want to let the sadness take a new form. I want to trust that this is happening in the right way.

I want to not hide my powers. This is the closeted thing. I want to be out in my weeetchy-ness but quietly, safely.

2) What do I want for the sadness?

I want to see what is underneath the sadness, which is radiant love. Yes, I said it. Fine.

I want any distortions hiding inside the sadness to be lovingly destroyed. I can do that with SHIVA NATA!

I want the sadness to feel safe. I want the sadness to know that now is not then. We got through it.

Sad self: But what if there is no safety?
Wise me: That is a question that comes from THEN. This requires a re-adjustment of your filters. Re-filter it.
Sad self: There was always love and I couldn’t see it because of the filters?
Wise me: We are constantly replacing the filters. That’s what Shiva Nata does. It is a filter-replacer.

3 What do I want for the relationship with the sadness?

I want us to go deeper than the sadness. The sadness is surface. But under the sadness is the quality of dedication. I want a rededication.

I want to recognize that the sadness is a distortion of PRESENCE. I am allowed to have sadness. And when I am not believing the story that the sadness tells, I am present.

4) And what would I be doing if this were what I really and truly wanted?

I would choose the filter.

I would take time to learn more about the version of me who knows these wise things.

I would change the costume. I would spend more time talking to sad me and giving her safe rooms to recover in. I will do that!

Hello, conversation that I am not looking forward to.

1. What do I want for ME?

Peacefulness. Peace of mind. Being grounded, stable and connected to myself.

Isolation, as in: the cutting of the cords. Sovereignty. Standing in my power.

Not putting up with crap. Invoking the power of NAQICA! Not A Question I Can Answer.

Relief. Sweetness. To take in the essence of love and support without all the rules and trappings, the demands and expectations.

2. What do I want for them?

Also peacefulness. Also being grounded, stable and connected to themselves.

I want them to feel happy. We may not have a great relationship but we can have a warm and pleasant conversation.

3. What do I want for the relationship?

Ease and spaciousness.

4. How would I behave if that were what I truly wanted?

Well, I think I would set aside time to make the call. But I would wait to call until I felt strong and capable. I would wait for the clear knowing. And I’d want a really strong force field.

Hello, getting ready for a holiday.

What do I really want for me?

I want ease, safety, encouragement, the feeling of being supported. I want a lovely picnic-like meal, with flowers, following a slow, deep practice of sun salutations.

What do I really want for this holiday?

To feel celebratory, joyful and to be about freedom in every way.

What do I really want for the relationship between me and the holiday?

A welcoming. To come home to each other and be happy to be together.

And how would I behave if I really and truly wanted these things?

I would buy flowers. I would go to the safe place. I would put the tablecloth out.

I would know that taking the time for this is not taking time away from Stompopolis, it’s contributing. I would take deep breaths and commit to a peaceful peace-filled experience.

Hello, writer’s block.

What do I really want for me?

I want steadiness. I want to reconnect to my sense of steadiness.

And, weirdly, I want to dissolve into steadiness. Which doesn’t sound really steady, but that is how it feels.

Almost as if I’ve lost my connection to organic form and so I keep running into structures of my own creation that are not relevant or true for me anymore.

So the way back into form is to release the forms. See, Shiva Nata again.

Also there is something in there about a version of me who is feeling powerless and upset, because of a real-life situation. And she needs some attention.

I also want to spend some time with “What’s true and what’s also true?“, because you know what’s also true? I have actually been writing up a storm on the Floop.

And I have filled at least ten zillion notebooks with stone skippings and processing. I don’t have writer’s block. I have a block about pressing pooblish on the blog posts, and I know what’s behind that. It’s not mysterious. It just needs time.

What do I really want for the experience of writer’s block?

To remember that there is no block.

What do I really want for the relationship between me and the experience/perception of the block?

Trust. Trust. Trust.

And patience.

And how would I behave if I really and truly wanted these things?

I would give permission and legitimacy to all the varied and complicated things that I’m feeling. And to the situation.

It is okay to get into a plonter (Link for the non-yiddish-speakers). It is okay to not know. It is okay to slowly unravel and find your way back to wherever you find your way back to.

(And it’s not really back either, but that’s a good thing.)

Also I think that I would change my entry and exit, and make other changes in my writing kingdom. So that’s something to learn more about. There is time.

Play with me! And the commenting blanket fort.

If you would like to use these four questions (or any variations on them), go for it.

You can mess around with this here or on your own. As always, taking a silent retreat is a perfectly acceptable (and wonderful!) thing to do.

You could also come up with a list of things that you would like to plug into these questions when you have time.

Or throw some wishes into the pot. Or add something this sparked for you.

I am also receptive to warm smiles and happy sighs.

No advice or reassurances, please. That’s not what I would like today.

We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process. We make this a safe space by letting people have their own experience
Love to the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers (mwah!) and everyone who reads.

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

Very Personal Ads #146: And dissolving.

Havi Brooks — Sun, 06 May 2012 08:26:31 +0000

Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Thing 1: A perfect simple solution to an untenable situation.

Here’s what I want:

There is this incredibly unsovereign and stressful thing going on in my personal life, and I don’t know what to do with it.

But I do know that it cannot continue. The current trajectory is not okay.

I need a perfect simple solution that is good for me and good for the other party involved, a solution that is respectful of my space and time.

And I need this to resolve itself in a way that does not suck up all my attention, because I’m really, really busy right now.

Ways this could work:

It just could.

Also it seems like it’s really important to make safe rooms for the parts of me who are in a really reactive and wounded situation right now. So I’d like to do that.

I’ll play with…

Asking the four questions. And the other four questions.

Staying connected to Slightly Wiser Me, and following her instructions.

Breathing. Old Turkish lady yoga. Asking.

Thing 2: Feeling excited and energized!

Here’s what I want:

There is so much happening right now with opening the new space and running the old space, and the rest of the business.

After last week’s virus that had me barely able to get out of bed, I’d like to feel strong, capable, excited and energized.

I want to be back to dancing between the doors.

Ways this could work:

It’s time. It just happens.

I’ll play with…

Early to bed.

Planting the gwishes.

Making sure that I’m taking care of myself.

Thing 3: Happy secret rendezvous tonight!

Here’s what I want:

I’ve called a hush-hush rendezvous for people who I want to come be a part of Stompopolis.

Either as Pirate Crew, as Treatkeepers or as Shiva Nata Deconstructors.

I want it to be fun. I want it to be ease-filled. And I want it to be its own form of chrysalis.

Ways this could work:

Equanimity, Trust, Steadiness and Surrender. And Dissolving.

I’ll play with…

Wanting what I want.

Humming the hum.

Thing 4: Dissolving.

Here’s what I want:

Hmmm. I don’t know really how to explain it.

It is kind of like the yin side to CRUSHING IT, which I also don’t know how to explain.

Let’s just leave it at that.

Ways this could work:

Slow, deep breathing.

Focus. Intention. Finding out what I know.

I’ll play with…

Interviewing the version of me who remembers to do this.

Thing 5: The thing with the door to get taken care of.

Here’s what I want:

The thing with the door! It needs to get taken care of. Fast. And easily.

Also, I am noticing that I feel annoyed and frustrated that this is still an issue. So I think my ask is also about finding out what the pain has to say.

Ways this could work:

Okay, this might be related to boundaries stuff, like in that other situation that I want resolved.

So I guess what I really want is strong, clear, healthy, beautiful, flexible, loving boundaries.

And I could do some Shiva Nata to get insights on what’s really going on here, and what I might do about it.

I’ll play with…

Lots of conscious entry.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

You know what? This was a really hard week for me. I just want to acknowledge that as a reminder to myself.

My first ask was about glowing it up, and being in bed with a virus made that extra-challenging, but there were moments. So I’d like more of these moments. Glow! It! Up!

I wanted a hot water thingy, aka a water boiler, for the new Playground, and we haven’t found one yet.

Then I wanted to set a date for the pirate crew rendezvous, and it’s happening today! Yay!

Then there was the ship, which was metaphorical and not. And I have not done anything about this, which is interesting. So I guess I want to re-ask this. I want to find out what would help me make this happen.

And I silent retreat-ed on the last one, and I will keep silent retreating on that.

Play-filled comment zen. Here’s what I’d love.

Wanted: Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.
You can also do these on your own or in your head. You can always call silent retreat!
Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!
Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.
VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!

xox

If this seemed like your thing, you might like these too:

Friday Chicken #196: raise a glass to Bobbi the Greek

Havi Brooks — Fri, 04 May 2012 18:32:35 +0000

In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

I refuse to believe that it’s Friday.

How could it possibly be Friday? It was just Sunday.

I’m baffled.

But fine, we’ll pretend an entire week went by while I wasn’t looking. Or maybe the Chicken will provide — embarrassingly obvious — clews to what was happening while I wasn’t looking.

The hard stuff

Virus.

I got taken down this week with a virus that mopped the floor with me.

Every part of my body aches.

It’s been pretty miserable. Also: worst timing ever.

Moments of Panicking. (But… is it just one guy?)

Mostly because the virus was making me a little crazy.

But also because launching a giant new Playground and a shop and a studio and a treatment center all at the same time without nearly enough help is really, really, really hard.

Actually, I think the above two are more related than I’d thought.

I just realized that I’m going through some good old Ludicrous Fear Popcorn that now will be like then, and that this will somehow end up like the year of mysterious chronic not-being-able-to-move.

Reminding myself: now is not then.

I didn’t have the same superpowers then. I didn’t know things that I know now.

Okay, let’s make a safe room for me-from-then. I will work through this over the weekend. Thanks, Chicken.

Wanting support.

Opening Stompopolis could really use a five person staff. At least.

But there are only two of us.

And we already have jobs, because a busy online business doesn’t run itself.

Goodbye, goodbye, Bobbi the Greek.

I’m pretty sure no one ever called Bobbi the Greek a good dog.

But he was loyal and loving and curious and effusive and full of doggy essence.

I loved him and I’m very sad.

Walking in the woods at my uncle’s won’t be the same.

The good stuff

Twosie!

Twosie is my best, best, best friend.

He is pink and purple and has enormous eyes.

Sometimes he makes squeaky sounds but mostly he just looks at you.

He holds my hand when I don’t feel well, and his paws are unbelievably soft.

The Day of Doing.

There was one day this week where I managed to get a lot done, despite everything.

And that was a big deal.

Help from my mentor.

Yay!

Encouragement from the Floop!

I get so much done at the Floating Playground, but also there is so much lovely support and encouragement when you ask for it.

Feeling very grateful for the Floop, and for things that happen while Flooping.

Post-Rally epiphanies.

Still getting lots of good things from last week’s amazing-est Rally (Rally!) ever.

It’s all landing.

Amazing stories that I wish I could tell you!

At the end of Rally, I taught a quickie class on how to magic your way through airports.

That wasn’t the verb I used because, you know.

But it describes the feeling and the effect.

Anyway, THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY things happened to the Rallions in airports and on the plane on their way back home.

!!!!!!!!!

Hey, at least I got to do a lot of sleeping.

Lots and lots and lots of sleeping.

That was most of my week, actually.

And I might be sick, but I’m gorgeous.

Very happy with this new post-Rally hair color.

And then I found extremely great zebra-striped pants.

All is good.

The fun part of the Chickening happens here.

Tabstravaganza! Or: what’s Havi been up to with all those open Firefox tabs?

Amy wrote beautifully about the quality of Impatience (who has an awesome roller derby name and has a photographic memory). Also get Amy to tarot-magic your inbox.
Janet found peacefulness at the aquarium.
I’ve been listening to You Could Do Better Than Me by Oh No Theodore because Sarah Beth told me to. This was the song of the week.

From the archives.

Some old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:

Beacons.

What I really mean when I say “Project”.

The Cover Story.

Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is LOUD. And awesome.

We present….

Filters of Distortion

Though, of course, as it turns out…. it’s really just one guy.

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

We have TWO Stowawayship scholarship ships (ship!) available for the June Rally.

This is highly unusual. Jump on it if you can.

Possibly important:

Coming to Rally means playing at the Playground Caboose *and* a full pass to the new (gigantic and incredible) Playground too. Extra Refueling Stations! More costumes!

And VERY important:

Rally prices go up in June.

That’s in a couple weeks, apparently. And given that time has been moving weirdly fast lately, I suspect that June might be here sooner than expected.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.