Fluff and Toenails: Mainstream Media, Indie Opinion.

The Royal Wedding

2011-04-30T20:40:00.000+01:00

Seeing as it was one of the most watched television programmes ever it would be weird if I didn’t comment on it. So here is my comment. Thank God that is over with, some real news now please.

Why The Wombats are a Fine Blue Cheese to Jeff Buckley’s Baby Bell

2011-04-30T12:14:00.001+01:00

The Wombats 9/10 & 2/10

I would like you to consider cheese...

Are you thinking of cheese?

Good. Then we may continue.

If you are picturing a nice expensive mature blue cheese then good on you. If you’re not then why not! I asked you to consider cheese and you have done what exactly? Thought of Tesco Cheddar? A cheese string? A fucking baby bell? To be honest if this is you then you probably have self-esteem issues and you should spend the time that you would have spent reading this review finding out how to get that sorted.

Anyway the Wombats new album ‘This Modern Glitch’ is a little like that cheese. Everyone knows that a good cheese matures with age, (Bad cheese just goes off and an undisturbed baby bell will outlive us all making us look like a right bunch of tasteless twats when the alien archaeologists start poking around our long dead planet) once purchased and sitting in your fridge the cheese starts a further micro maturing process. Stage One: Stinky Blue Cheese, Stage Two: A Manly Cheese and Stage Three 3: Stinking mush. The time lapse between stage two and three can be as little as a couple of hours and it is this great cheese divide that the Wombats album straddles.

I wanted to write this review now so that I would still have nice things to say about the poptastic choruses, witty lyrics, narrative approach to song writing and ever present vocal harmonies aware as I was that after more than a few hours of play (about 6 listens) the album trans mutates into a big pile of over played chart stink.

So enjoy it while you can the antithesis being listen number three when you are weirdly convinced that the album is one of the best pop albums of the decade whilst being simultaneously aware that the next listen will smash this illusion.

“I find your interpretation of Nietzsche only slightly less offensive than your choice of film this evening my dear Herr Hitler”

2011-04-29T17:33:00.000+01:00

After well over a month with no cinema going, check listing s for the reasons why. I have now attended the flicker box picture show twice in the last seven days. The two films that I subjected my brain to really couldn’t have been more different for the reasons outlined below.

In forming an uneasy alliance between a cat and a dog, a bin man and a seagull and a Lib Dem and a Conservative this is the compromise to which my less cinematically fussy better half and my-self have come. We have given up trying to find films of common ground and instead, upon each proposed cinema trip we swap the role of ‘Film Fuhrer’ and dictate to the other which film is to be seen. That isn't to say we don't campaign for the others approval (Source Code: yeah it sounds like it is going to be like ground-hog day...yeah nothing like Inception...yeah I suppose it must be a comedy & Beastly: Well yes it does have that girl from high school musical in but it is in fact a postmodern retelling of a popular folk tale which tells a story of anti-consumerism triumphing over the materialistic.) Though ultimately the opinion of the dictated over really is an irrelevance even Hitler must have liked to think that his decisions were popular.

Any way onto the films:

Source Code 7/10

I’m not really going to go into the plot on this one as it would put most people off and that would be unfair because those people would be missing out because of their prejudices. Other more positive presuppositions are probably what have kept this film high in the UK box office top ten with what appears to be extremely limited marketing. These presuppositions being namely Jake Gyllenhaal and Duncan Jones. The last time I discussed Jake Gyllenhaal he was flogging Viagra and jiggling his arse on top of Jayne Austin. This time he keeps his clothes on for the entirety and doesn’t even have an arse to flash, being, as it turns out nothing more than half a torso and a bit of a brain. Duncan Jones directed one of my favorite Sci-Fi films, Moon, which was a massively ambitious low budget affair that won something or other when I saw it at the Edinburgh Film Festival a few years back. While he has only acted as director on this project (as opposed to Writer/Director in Moon) many folk such as myself weren’t going to miss out on a chance to see what he can do with a proper budget and I am pleased to say that I wasn’t disappointed.

This film has had to wrestle with constant comparisons to Inception due to them both brushing with existentialism. In my opinion the films are very different and the way that they are being compared says more about the poor (but improving) state of Hollywood Sci-Fi where these ideas and concept led movies stand out so vividly from the action driven turd flinging contest of the Transformer and Resident Evil Franchises. (The Image came with the caption Inception with cats)

Detracting from my enjoyment of the film was the ending which I felt was just a little bit spelt out and a little bit fairy tale and could have been left somewhere in the darkness of ambiguity (alla Inception). However, I could be very wrong in this as on the way home I discovered that me and the long suffering lady left with differing interpretations of the films conclusion which resulted in us driving home with me shouting about Schrödinger’s cat and her reminding me that I never actually finished that particular book.

Beastly 4/10

I would love to say that Beastly is one of those rare films that is its own review. However the world beastly makes the film sound a little too edgy.

For those of you who don’t know Beastly is a high school adaptation of the story of beauty and the beast. The fact that the film is based on a folk tale means that the criticism that the film was predictable falls flat. However to me the whole project seemed to be massively lazy by all involved.

One of the more unfeasible aspects of the film was the role played by one of the Oulson Twins. Her being a witch seeming perfectly plausible compared to her being in high school. I really wish that American high school dramas would start using high school aged actors. It really is very distracting and confusing trying to work out who it is ok to find sexually attractive. (I only come to objectify in such a chauvinistic way because the stories in these films are so predictable that they need little or no attention paying to them).

To this films credit it was a little more dark and a little more moody than I expected and the comic role performed by How I Met Your Mother’s Neil Patrick Harris went down well in the screening I attended but then again this was a crowd that whooped at kissing and squealed with teenage zeal at anything that fit into the Hollywood construct of teen romance. If you are a twelve year old girl who hasn’t seen very many films yet you may enjoy the film but then I would urge you to move onto more challenging fayre rather than re-watching the same drip fed high school drivel for the rest of your years.

Overall the film is ultimately harmless, portrays a positive message but has little artistic merit or ambition.

Five Things I Love About The BBC

2011-03-30T20:28:00.001+01:00

I am a little bit on my high horse this week and telling jokes from such a beast is particularly difficult so please excuse the dry nature of this post.

This week there has been a lot of debate about cuts that the BBC face mainly due to the unique way in which it is funded. The Murdoch media seem to want rid of the BBC sighting reasons of competition. This could be an extremely persuasive argument but for the fact that I am choosing to stick my fingers in my ears for two reasons: One, my extremely limited understanding of economics and two, my belief that the Great British public occasionally need to be treated like a hyperactive toddler reaching for a fist full of lolly pops. Let loose in the sweet shop I believe that commercial TV would quickly pander to the lowest common denominator leaving us with hundreds of channels chock full of reality TV reruns and sham docu-soaps.

The BBC does things that no other commercial broadcaster would do. Why wouldn't any other broadcaster do these things? Simple, they would lose money. I am talking about programs that are either so extortionately expensive to make or programs that cater to such a specialist audience that no advertiser would touch it with a sterilised government issued socialist barge poll. Here are five things that I love about the BBC and you should too.

1. News Coverage at home and abroad.

The news coverage provided by the BBC is world famous for its quality and reliability. There is no reason that commercial news channels shouldn't be able to match this quality but I am always far more suspicious of hidden agenda's buried within the stories of ITN and SKY. That being said the BBC isn't exactly a bastion of unbiased opinion. It does sometimes lean shamelessly to the left and its science reporting on magazine style news shows is often as suspect as its competitors but overall there is a quality about the BBC not replicated elsewhere. To sum up its news coverage I would simply say “I Trust The BBC.”

2. It's British

We British like to think of ourselves as being a complicated bunch, in fact we like to flatter ourselves into thinking that we are one of the most complicated nations on earth. This is unquestionably untrue and smacks of an anti-Copurnicus attitude steaming from times of Empire. However, untrue as it may be this is the spirit of our nation and the BBC captures it perfectly with Snog Marry Avoid on BBC3, QI on BBC 2, Eastenders on BBC 1 Behind the Scenes at the Museum on BBC 4 and Pincidh Dincidh Du on BBC Alba. the last of these channels producing programming that is only comprehensible to 0.5% of 61 million people. Even an advertiser that specialises in producing whiskey filtered through haggis flavoured kilts wouldn't support BBC Alba yet it exists. Because of the way that the BBC is funded it can cater to these audiences that would otherwise be totally neglected.

3. Live Music Programming

When the BBC record a live band it sounds amazing. Always and without exception. Years of know how, quality equipment and the best engineers have made television and radio broadcasts of live music on the BBC simply the best.

4. Documentaries

The BBC's nature and science documentaries are exported all over the world because they are brilliant. The BBC would be able to continue its flagship natural history documentaries due to these sales even if funding was cut entirely. What they wouldn't be able to do would be to continue in the production of the niche and obscure documentaries that just this week have covered subjects as diverse as quantum physics, the social history of the sitcom, an in-depth look at the process of putting on a ballet, the beauty of diagrams, the history of the working classes, medieval religious architecture the blues and farming to name just a few. The BBC gives us British the option to be better educated and expand our horizon and our sphere of knowledge to places that only a university education might otherwise have taken us.

5. Radio Four

It's mental. Turn it on right now. I bet you learn something. Or hear something odd or something funny or engaging or incomprehensible. Go on do it. Start listening to it in your car and the quality of your chat will improve by at least 50% that isn't an opinion that is a cold hard untested scientific fact.

I'm on holiday next week but your normal program of low brow poo slinging will resume shortly.

The Vaccines and Strokes

2011-03-21T20:48:00.000+00:00

This week I have been listening to two new albums, one from either side of the pond as the Atlantic has come to be known. I am not a fan of this metaphor as when taken to its logical end we find that it is the Americans with the grand house (grand enough at any rate to call the Atlantic a pond) and us humble Brits living in some kindly allowed granny house at the bottom of the garden just beyond the aforementioned water feature.

The Vaccines: What did you Expect From The Vaccines: 6/10

Let us begin at home with the Vaccines. I have read extensively about an anti vaccination movement that is sweeping America due to a poor understanding of Science and celebrities worrying their pretty little heads about it and magazines being all too keen to print what ever nonsense these pretty little heads have to say about absolutely anything. We (the British) are somewhat to blame for this state of affairs as we let the farther of the movement a Dr (now struck off)Andrew Wakefield be born, live, work and publish on our shores (You know the MMR, fuck the science fruit loop). Well now, as way of apology the UK has produced not just 'a' vaccine but 'The Vaccines' who like their names sake take just a little bit of something (The Clash, The Ramones, California Pop Punk and New York Shoe Gazers) and inject it into something to produce bla de blar...(I have walked too far down this metaphorical garden path only to discover it leads no where.)

The Vaccines have been much lauded by the media and appeared highly placed on the BBC's sound of 2011 list. This however is no guarantee of success or quality I'm sure the Twang once appeared on this list. Were the Vaccines a Californian band then this album would be been a pop punk flash in the pan. Who knows maybe a few singles may have made it to our shores, as it is the Vaccines are British and therefore instead of a polished pop poop they have given the world an album that is slightly rough round the edges and in places sounds like it was recorded in a tin can garden shed circa 1979. With off mic comments that are still audible in the mix and amps over run with reverb that give the album a live urgency as opposed to the sterile sound of our Cowell/Fuller overlords.

On an aside note British bands have the best lyrics, I'm not offering it for debate just stating it as a matter of fact. There is nothing lyrically brilliant in the Vaccines album but there is some kind of unique sensibility, black humour and desperation that few mainstream acts outside of Britain commit to record. There isn't much to dislike about this album. It is nothing ground breaking and wares its influences on its sleeve but pop music performed by real musicians pisses all over that produced by pre pubescent boys and music moguls. Not that I would ever accuse the Vaccines of pissing on pre pubescent boys, but saying that I don't know them and London folk are a little odd.

The Stokes: Angles: 8/10

The Strokes are back with their fourth album. I bet no one predicted that happening after the solo successes Albert Hammond Jr and Julian Casablanca but happen it has and they have pulled out all the stops not to sound like The Strokes and in doing so have only managed to sound even more like The Strokes.

The opening track has a Reggie sound and a structure more complex than you average Strokes track but by track two, which is the lead single 'Under the Cover of Darkness we find our selves on familiar territory with classic sounding and signature garage production, clashing guitars that duel across the verses and call to mind the excellent Reptilla. Except something is different, very different. I'm not staining to here the lyrics, they are high in the mix and have more than a few notes that are sung with real confidence all of which done without the mask of the broken mic distortion that was hidden behind most notably on their first record. Your So Right is where The Strokes mould is truly broken with a song that has a sinister electronic base and layered vocals that give a new dynamic to the band that I would have never suspected that they had it in them.

I was sure that the Strokes were a band running out of steam but for me this album marks a definite transition from indie fashion darlings with little substance beyond a few pop tunes into a serious 'albums band' but will anyone still care by the time their next album is out? I hope so. Even with all these changes The Strokes remain a band that sound like no other band than The Strokes.

Wonders of the Depravity of Reality Tv Producers.

2011-03-13T12:27:00.002+00:00

I'm back! What do you mean was I gone? I've been gone for weeks and your saying that you didn't even notice that I was away! Well that's just fine! No I mean it. Fine! To make up for my being away for so long this post was going to be epic. It was going to make you laugh and then cry. It was going to contain a nipple slip and a clip of a symphony that I have composed made up entirely of brown notes and notes oscillating at a frequency that would tickle you pleasure centre like a dildo covered in sexy ants. And only then, after your cacophony of shitting ecstasy, would you get a pissey review of a film with which to remind your selves how lost you were without my guidance.

But seeing as though you have barely noticed my being away (I have web statistics as evidence) I will proceed straight on to the reviews with none of the aforementioned grandstanding.

TV is awful at the moment. Usually I have around four shows with which I try to keep up with but at the moment that number is down to just one, that being the reintroduction of Prof Brian Cox and his wonders of the universe. The wonder of wonders is the wonderful way in which it avoids dumbing down. Brian Cox stands behind you coaxing you along “come on, you can do this, I know it's hard but trust me, stick with it look, see, you do get it you cleaver bastard. Now go down to the pub and talk about the reverse entropy involved in downing a pint. Go on your friends will love you for it.”

At the other end of the scale there has been a slightly worrying trend in reality competition TV. That being the inclusion of additional elements into the mix making shows all the more convoluted and often sinister. In the early days of reality TV we had shows like Airport. Where we followed the lives of those working in the airport. There were no winners, no losers, the show took a loose documentary format and became what was termed a docusoap. Were that to be broadcast now the passengers on the plane would probably vote on the quality of trolley dolly service with the winner receiving a book deal and a meals on wheels franchise and the looser being ejected from the plane some where over Greenland.

This week my attention was drawn towards a frankly frightening program broadcast some where deep in the realms of Sky TV. I am going to outline the concept of the program, but you wont believe me. You are probably going to think that I have ripped off a joke from Allan Partrige or Jack Donaghy, but I haven't. It is true, every word of it.

The Show is called Bridalplasty and it combines elements from The Generation Game, America's Next Top Model, Big Brother, The Apprentice, Extreme Make Over, Amazon DOT com and The Book of Revelation. Brides to be live together in a house and vote weekly to get rid of the other brides until one remains and is declared the winner. So far, so standard. This is where it starts to get what can only be described as 'fucked up.' Each of the 'brides to be' has a grizzly 'wish list' of plastic surgery. These typically contain nose jobs, boob enlargements, tummy tucks, face lifts and other stuff that I don't know about nor care to discuss. Each week there are a series of generation game style challenges, the episode I was subjected to had quite a quaint game in which the brides were presented with two of various foods associated with weddings, one of which was of a premium variety and the other was from a dollar store with a little extra ingredient such as compost in the cake. The brides would then have to successfully identify the quality product. Imagine this on Bruce Forsyth's generation game and you will see smiles and gentle encouragement from the host and fellow contestants alike. Not so on Bridalplasty! The host berates the contestants and keeps asserting that the purpose of the game (or test as she refers to it) is to determine who is the classiest and who is trash. Footage of the game is intersected by cut-aways of contestants bad mouthing each other in interviews recorded after the event. The winner of the competition becomes top bride for the week is whisked away to have her surgery and can't be voted out that week. Later she is returned to the house to stay in the recovery room (usually looking something like Frankenstein's monster, cue more bitching). Then some kind of vote takes place and one bride is eliminated. In the long run those eliminated early are unquestioningly the winner as they get to return to their fiancé unscathed by surgery.

I don't think the show requires a review the above description will suffice.

Don't have nightmares.

Three Super Quick Music Reviews

2011-02-01T21:09:00.000+00:00

Cold War Kids, Mine Is Yours 7/10

Cold War Kids have another album out, yeah I didn’t realise either. For fans of numbers this is actually their third album but you may not have noticed as there has been little fan fayre about the band since their opening effort ‘Robbers and Cowards’ topped many muso lists. Their second album was somewhat more of the same with the same hissing retro sounding recordings and a ‘passion over tunefulness’ approach. Expecting more of the same I was instantly hit by the plush almost pop production on this album. The yelps of the vocalist and the hammering of percussion are still there but it no longer sounds like it has been recorded on a reluctant tape deck in a soviet bunker. Many won’t like the new polished sound but these would be the same people who go off punk bands as they become proficient on their instruments. Cold War Kids are evolving and maybe in 5 more albums could be as radio friendly as The Script (which means that this could be their peak.)

Adele, 21, 7/10

Pop music used to be short for popular music. Now it is usually short for turgid half thought out throw away music peddled by the fame hungry and PR people rather than artistic intent or, god forbid, talent. Good ‘potential pop’ is far too quickly relegated to specialist playlists where commercial radio wont dream of touching it and mainstream audiences won’t hear it meaning it will never be popular and therefore never be described as pop music. That is why I was so happy to see the return of Adele. An unlikely looking pop star (always a good barometer for talent) Adele has a beautiful voice that screams soul. Lush arrangements, velvet production and spotless vocals give this album the same timeless sound as her first. The album is uncompromising in its approach which is clearly artist driven and makes no concession to what has been riding high in the charts in the years since her debut (except for some suspicious Florence’esq harps in ‘He Won’t Go’) The cream will always rise to the surface but much of it becomes tainted by the turds that also have a nasty habit of floating, Adele has dodged this brown bullet and I look forward to 23, 26, 35, and 40.

Chase and Status, No More Idols, 3/10

Do you have an 1856 Mecklenburg-Schwerin Stamp? If you do get it out now you’re going to use it as a visual aide. Imagine how much information you could fit on the back of it. If the subject upon which you were writing was ‘All I know about dance music’ and it were I who was doing the writing then there would be comfortable room for illustrations (That was a joke for the philatelists boom ya!) I only know of Chase and Status for some pretty nifty leftfield remix work on some indie tracks. I would have preferred to have not listened to the album and only have this memory of them. Unfortunately some things can’t be undone…

I should be talking about the Oscars I really should...But I'm not.

2011-01-27T19:54:00.001+00:00

I could and probably should be blogging about the Oscar nominations and the strange absence of Chris Nolan from the best director category. I could, should but won’t. I will save this discussion for Oscars night.

Instead I am going to bore you with a favourite topic of mine, the infantilization and anti-intellectual prevalence of those programmes lauded by ITV. The looking glass for this post being this year’s British Television Awards.

Let us cast a casual eye over some of the categories, have a moan and maybe even suggest our own less popularist winners. (I have actually started this post without looking at either the winners or the nominees, poor journalism I know but I work for a company that prints the Daily Mail so I think some of its journalistic rigour has rubbed off on me… And now I have had a look at the nominations and the list is massive so I will instead just focus on the winners.)

Serial Drama: Eastenders

So the award went to the misery porn that is Eastenders. Apparently those in the know at the Olympic committee settled on London for 2012 after being locked in a room and subjected to the ‘enders. They then decided that London needed something to smile about so gave them the Olympics, little did they know that the Eastenders misery would spread to Coronation Street and Emmerdale this year and we would be now planning for a budget games with such events as pushing in the dole queue and hunting tax avoiders on hijacked horse back.

I declare the alternative winner for this category to be… Reading. Each day the TV is taken over by soaps for about 75% of the evening this is the perfect time to pick up a book, or to pick your nose or an STD or pretty much anything other than to watch telly.

Drama: Waterloo Road.

Watching Waterloo Road is like watching a greatest hits compilation of actors from the bill (RIP)and other long running soaps. Surely Being Human or Downtown Abby would have been more expected/deserving winners. But looking down the list cinematography and script really aren’t top of the criteria for whoever was voting.

Comedy Programme: Benidorm

Was this on again? I do quite like it when I sit down to watch it but not enough to regularly make time in my busy days. The stereotype of a Brit abroad does seem a little tired, that is until you visit Benidorm or where ever the middle aged hang out to eat steak and ale pie in 30 degree heat. Personally this year I would have given the award to The Inbetweeners for their three solid series of tongue in cheek cringe a minute humour. The Inbetweeners did win the digital choice award but I’m not entirely sure what that is.

Entertainment Presenter: Ant and Dec

My winner for this would have been an equally popular choice. I would have gone with Mr Dermot O’Leary whose sly knowing looks and wink and a nod charm showed intelligence above the format of and history of X-Factor. Ant and Dec are starting to look a little old and a little tired and for the life of me I don’t know why they are still so loved. What exactly do they do? How much of their scripts do they write? Do they act, sing, dance or do anything other than read half-heartedly off an auto cue and giggle to one another as they have another year spared the final celebrity indignity of appearing on the stinky side of the I’m a celebrity divide.

And Finally… Best Factual Programme: Top Gear.

What the fuck. It was clearly The History of Horror with Mark Gatiss, end of discussion.

White Lies Ritual 4/10

2011-01-27T18:02:00.001+00:00

A very short review for this album.

If you don't have all the Cds by Editors then spend your money on them instead and then the back catalogue of Interpol and then the departure and then buy some flowers for someone special. All would be better ways of spending your hard earned. Production aside there is nothing here that is out of the ordinary or stretching above the precipice of the trench of mediocrity that is mainstream indie at the moment.

Black Swan 7/10

2011-01-26T21:56:00.000+00:00

Black Swan 7/10

I am afraid that this film will be for ever, in my mind at least, associated with the events that proceeded its viewing. Firstly, upon leaving I overheard some hapless chap comment to his girlfriend that he didn’t really get the film and asked which of the two swans was supposed to be the ugly duckling. Next, whilst travelling down one of Newcastle’s darker alleys we happened across two gentlemen engaged in a tiff and witnessed the Neanderthal (pronounced correctly, did you? did you!) behaviour of two local hoodlums who had stripped to the waist and were engaged in what looked like a cross between boxing and jelly wrestling. How they are describing their run in this evening I don’t know but from the angle that we watched the incident was more than a little homoerotic. Finally we arrived at my car, where some dick had seen fit to smash in the window. What followed was a slightly chilly trip up the motor way sitting on the car mats so as to not slice my derriere on the infeasible amount of broken glass on my seat.

Now to the film review:

For those of you who don’t know the story of Black Swan here comes the plot: Natalie Portman is a ballerina and she loses her shit quite spectacularly, far more spectacularly than one would imagine for a film that is been marketed to the mainstream in this way.

"Have you seen Requiem for a Dream?" was a question I wish I had asked everyone at the cinema before the film commenced. I am sure that the crowds would be significantly reduced if more folk in the viewing had. Not, you must understand because Requiem for a Dream is a bad film, far from it in fact. Requiem for a Dream is a film that caused me to have a physical reaction. I liken watching it to having a panic attack and who would want to sit through that experience a second time. Black Swan did manage to get the heart racing with panic tinged spirals of turmoil but ultimately failed to sustain this reaction in parallel to the characters transformation. The film was even guilty of the cheap horror tactics of BOO! *shriek.*This is not to say that I didn’t still think it was excellent. The intensity nob really did need to be turned down to get Aronofsky the audience that he deserves and the success of this film should buy him the control to turn the bonkers back to eleven for his next film. As it was, this film took all that was left over from the understatement of the kings speech and any other ‘understated film’ produced this year and ploughed it into a melodrama so big that it has developed its own gravitational pull and is orbited by little planets of dancing misery.

I’m not one to usually focus on visuals, quite frankly because I’m not a big enough film buff to judge them excellent or poor. But there are passages of this film with long scenes of dancing and pensive looks all of which are lit and shot in such a way that they more closely resemble a film art installation than a major Hollywood production.

Once again the success of Black Swan is proving that audiences are ready to be tested by mainstream Hollywood output. The success of this film paired with that of Inception will hopefully lead to more risk taking by those with the commissioning cheques and a more fulfilled audience ready to take bigger risks with their hard earned time and money on their cinema trips.

The King's Speech 8/10

2011-01-24T19:58:00.000+00:00

The King's Speech 8/10

The last film that both my Gran and I wanted to see was The Full Monty. I, because at the age of 12 was interested in the plight of the steel workers in Thatcherite Sheffield and my Gran, well let’s just say she is a horny old bird. This time the film was the King’s Speech. I, because I was interested in hearing a seldom told story from our nations’ history and my Gran because Colin Firth is a bit of crumpet and as I said before she is a horny old bird. Unfortunately our timetables couldn’t be matched to facilitate us both seeing the film so I watched the film on my own (Which I have to say after hearing reports regarding the behaviour of pensioners in cinemas on the Mayo vs. Kermode podcast I was a little bit relieved about).

With the hype of my friends and all the world’s film critics ringing in my ears I positioned my-self with a continental beer and prepared to be underwhelmed.

Plot wise the film follows the life of George the VI through the abdication crisis up until the out-break of war. During which he receives treatment for a stutter that threatens to affect his acceptance as the nation’s king and the voice of the empire.

Underwhelmed I was not. To be honest I was expecting something of a costume drama with big set pieces around the archaic traditions of the royal family. What I got was a film that was so visually understated that I can’t even recall seeing a crown. What I also got was a film that was funny. Laugh out loud genuinely funny. The bizarre methods employed as therapy, great flippant one liners (Do you know any jokes/Timing isn’t my strong point) as well as the repressed tone and politics of the time all lifted the spirits in a film that tells the story of a personal accomplishment on the eve of international catastrophe.

One point that passed me by but was raised quite brilliantly by the long suffering girlfriends long suffering mother was the casting of Ramona Marquez (the precocious cheeky little girl from outnumbered) as the royal wild child in waiting princess Margaret.

Lots of the praise for the Kings Speech has been focused on the central acting performance of Colin Firth and rightly so. He is brilliant, so brilliant that for the foreseeable future I will now see George the VI as Mr Firth. With this in mind let me raise a tentative point about the acting in Hollywood ‘Blockbuster’ cinema and more ‘serious’ cinema. Hollywood ‘Blockbuster’ actors don’t play a variety of roles in the same way as those actors that keep one finger in the artistic pie whilst dipping a toe in their LA rooftop pool. Those routed to the top of the Hollywood ‘A’ list play such a narrow spectrum of characters that one could easily imagine them to leave the set of one film as one character and return as another without the audience noticing any difference in their performance beyond a costume change. Could George VI walk in and play the role of Darcy in either Pride or Prejudice or Bridget Jones? No! Because when a good actor plies his trade you are invested not in the actor but in the character that they play. The actor as a person and even as an artist is removed from the character and only once the film has ended can this feat be appreciated. How about Rachel from Friends turning up as Jim Carrey’s wife in Bruce Almighty, Polly Prince in Along Came Polly, Brooke in the break up, Jennifer in Marley and me or Nicole in The Bounty Hunter. This is a woman who is one of Hollywood’s most bankable stars and like most on the list she appears to do little in the way of acting to have achieved this accolade.

*Cough* Rant over.

Anyway the film is great. You should go and see it. Actually you probably already have.

Bands With Girls Names Special: Emma's Imagination and Suzi Won

2011-01-17T20:52:00.000+00:00

Ok music reviews and something a little bit different. I am going to review another product of reality TV but to balance this out I am going to review a local unsigned band as well. Let us start with the (slightly) more famous of the two.

Emma’s Imagination: Stand Still 6/10

Scottish Singer Song Writer Emma Gillespie shot to prominence after winning Sky One’s Must Be The Music. Actually that isn’t exactly correct let me rephrase. Emma Gillespie would have shot to prominence after winning Sky One’s Must Be The Music if in fact anyone was actually watching it. Now I hadn’t ever seen Must Be The Music and came across Emma’s Imagination quite by accident on YouTube where I saw what I presume was her audition piece for the show. What I will say for Must Be The Music is that it sounds a damn site more interesting than the karaoke hen night from hell that has become the X-Factor. On the show (wait for it, this will blow your mind.) artists play instruments and perform original material, I would like to remind folks that the only time original material has been performed on the X-Factor was when Chico performed his physics bothering anthem Chico Time.

Stand Still consists of ten well-crafted acoustic led songs. At 27 Emma is an artist who has both found her sound and who’s songs have lost little through their studio arrangements which though loaded with instruments have maintained something of a DIY sound particularly noticeable in the steel guitar featured on the track soul of oceans. There is nothing revolutionary on this album and her being both Scottish and talented will lead to fair comparisons to KT Tunstal and even Texas.

The album is top heavy in quality and by the midway point interest does begin to wain however this CD would sit comfortably in a dinner party play list holding its own against Norah Jones, KT Tunstal and Corrin Bailly Rae.

Suzi:Won www.myspace.com/suziwon

I was in a band once. We weren’t what critics would describe as good but we had a fucking fantastic time doing it and would enthuse about it in the boorish way that people in bands do. Knowing that this was once me I am always happy to hear about amateur bands and love the enthusiasm that their members show when telling anyone who will listen about their influences and when their next gig is. I came across a member of Suzi:Won when he was working in a Chemist. I work for a newspaper and upon hearing this contact details and a myspace account were pushed into my palm all of the time while I protested that I probably couldn’t help. As it turned out I couldn’t help but I thought I might contribute to their presence in what little way I can by talking a little about them here.

I haven’t been on Myspace for a long time and I know you probably won’t have either. Well let me tell you it is still fucking ugly, with colour schemes that even a grandmother wouldn’t describe as bold and page designs that frankly boggle the mind in terms of the prominence of various items. However I really should move onto the music.

Suzi:Won are based in Newcastle England and produce what they describe as Electro Rock but what others may describe as Electro Emo. No don’t stop reading come back here! Playing in Phantom of the Opera style masks (what isn’t to love) singing fantastically camp lyrics (“Your hitting me with your hands/I’m hitting back with my heart”) and choruses that wouldn’t sound out of place in a piece of 90’s hard house this band have a sense of fun so often lacking in rock music of any sub-genre.

In a Day is a song that wouldn’t be out of place in a Hollywood version of an American teen party. Pop synths, intersect with reverb laden guitar to produce a sound that at first sounds epic before inducing chair dancing with the introduction of the drums. High production values help to mask slightly nasal vocals but by the time you have heard the chorus this doesn’t matter as you are hooked by the good time pop sensibility of the thing.

Now Iz Us is not a good name for a song and falls only slightly below Sk8r Boi in my imaginary worst song titles ever list. However unlike Sk8r Boi the song its self has merit with some lovely sustained guitars, euro synths and 80’s hard rock bass drum sounds. Whilst the song isn’t as instantly arresting as ‘In a Day’ it maintains its high production values and musicianship. Vocals remain high in the mix and the song serves to remind me of Men Women and Children, The Bravery and maybe even some less-dance centric of The Rapture’s early material.

Taking it Back maintains a heavier rock sound throughout with stretched lyrics and the same brand of silky production that first brought Linkin Park and Lost Prophets screaming into the mainstream my only hope is that they haven’t come to this party a little too late.
Broken Rock Stars starts with some wonderful glitch synth sounds that form the dirty underbelly of the track which ultimately lacks a hook. A nice synth breakdown and half time drums in the middle of the song showcases the big sound that this band can craft but ultimately they seem torn between the easy pop sounds of In a Day and this more musically mature (though not necessarily as interesting) style.

All in all an album may be a bit much for me at this stage but their big sound and sing a long choruses should see them gain a good reputation as a live band and from there I am sure a great album will follow.

Suzi : Won will be playing at the Riverside on February the 5th for more details check their Myspace.

White Lies new effort will be the next album up in front of the firing squad.

Golden Globe Guesses

2011-01-16T16:20:00.002+00:00

It is award season. Oh yes, so in keeping with the traditions of such things here are my mindlessly uninformed guesses on who is going to win what note not necessarily who I would like to win but my prediction of who will win. Feel free to post your own guesses.

Here are the nominations for the key categories, my predicted winner is marked with a (*) I must also say that I am yet to see Black Swan or The Kings Speech so am betting blind. Actual winners will be displayed soon. (EDIT) Winners are marked with a (W) I didn't exactly do well.

Best Motion Picture – Drama

Black Swan
The Fighter
The Kings Speech
Inception (*)
The Social Network (W)

Best Actress

Halle Berry – Frankie and Alice
Nicole Kidman – Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence – Winters Bone (*)
Natalie Portman – Black Swan (W)
Michelle Williams – Blue Valentine

Best Actor

Jessie Eisenberg – The Social Network
Colin Firth – The Kings Speech (*)(W)
James Franco – 127 Hours
Ryan Gosling – Blue Valentine
Mark Wahlberg – The Fighter

Best Comedy/Musical

Alice in Wonderland (This is neither a Comedy or a Musical)
Burlesque (*) (I predict this to be the winner as it is the only one that is even close to being a musical.
The Kids are Alright (erm again not a comedy or a musical)(W)
Red (I really want to see the criteria for what makes a comedy or a musical)
The Tourist (Again, I have no idea why this is on this list.)

Best Animated Film

Despicable Me
How To Train Your Dragon
The Illusionist
Tangled
Toy Story 3 (*)(W)

Best Director

Darren Aronofsky – Black Swan
David Fincher – The Social Network (*)(W)
Tom Hooper – The King's Speech
Christopher Nolan – Inception
David O. Russell – The Fighter

Best Screenplay

Simon Beaufoy, Danny Boyle - 127 Hours
Christopher Nolan - Inception
Stuart Blumberg, Lisa Cholodenko - The Kids Are All Right
David Seidler - The King's Speech
Aaron Sorkin - The Social Network (*)(W)

Best Original Score

Alexandre Desplat - The King's Speech
Danny Elfman - Alice in Wonderland
A. R. Rahman - 127 Hours
Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross - The Social Network (W)
Hans Zimmer - Inception (*)

Episode Featuring A Planet of Quite Interesting Prospective House Wives

2011-01-16T15:07:00.001+00:00

All of the sport in the world seemed to be happening this weekend. But, if like me you only have basic cable then the only spot that you could feast upon was the snooker. Snooker when placed alongside the plethora of steak and caviar on offer this weekend definitely looks like the Iceland own brand party pack of vol-au-vents that the cheap skate brought to the dinner party as their ‘pot luck.’

So bereft of sporting options, the rain lashing down outside and with no one to visit the cinema with I settled down to see what the BBC iplayer had to offer.

QI is the programme which in my opinion sparks more pub debate than any other programme. Though it can be tedious to listen to someone regurgitate verbatim some interesting fact or anecdote they saw on the show to be that fella is never dull. QI is without a doubt my favourite long running TV show. The show started humble and without any fan-fayre and over the years it has changed nothing. This further endears the programme to those who were fans from the start and the new fans who can watch the incessant feed on Dave. Flicking between Dave and Dave + 1 to observe Stephen Fry’s yo-yo weight is worth a laugh once before you realise that one should never laugh at Stephen Fry only with him. The anti-intellectualism of many of the channels means that QI is a programme that could only have been conceived for the BBC. Watch it here http://goo.gl/lUvO3

Next on my bedroom TV marathon was Episodes. Episodes is a new sit-com starring Matt Le Blanc (yes him from Joey and a little watched spin off called Chums), Stephan Mangan (I most recently watched him in a version of Douglas Adams’ Dirk Gently) and Tamsin Greig (You know the one who was in Black Books). The eclectic cast isn’t even the most interesting thing about this project that honour falls to the distribution. The show is being shown in both America and the UK at the same time.

The show follows an award winning British husband and wife writing team who have their show commissioned ‘to be made for an American audience’ with the kind of consequences that often come about when such a thing is attempted. I’m going to hold off making a judgement about this one until we are a little further down the line but the transatlantic mix of cast and humour gives the show a really interesting dynamic and I have high hopes. Watch it here http://goo.gl/lnSLe.

Human Planet is yet another fantastic BBC natural world documentary but with us knuckle dragging humans as the subject matter. The show really is amazing in both its visuals and the stories that it tells. As has become the tradition with BBC documentaries there is a little ten minute documentary extra at the end which only serves to add further colour to the show. Get yourself a cup of coffee turn up the speakers and watch in awe http://goo.gl/y7OVG

Now over to ITV where, after the horrors of ‘Take Me Out’ Dinner Date has come into my sphere of awareness, doing so in the manner of an ill kept fart on a crowded public bus in the height of summer. It really is a stinker with gender politics taken straight from the 60’s, the 1860’s. I am now going to describe the premise of the show, no jokes, no exaggerations just the premise. The review will then end and you can draw your own conclusion whist I go and research the history of feminism just to check that I hadn’t imagined the whole thing. So, a young man (usually of the nicely mannered rugby playing meat head variety) is presented with five menus which have been prepared by five hopeful ladies. The man, we will call him Harry, then picks three of the menus to be cooked for him by the hopeful ladies (at their houses) in a blind date style. After Harry has been cooked for and cleaned up after by all three of the dates he then gets to choose his favourite to take out to a restaurant. The ladies also rate the man out of three after he has attended their date but this doesn’t have any effect on anything other than to allow the programme makers to claim that the opinions of female participants were taken into account.

Magic Catch Phrases and Polar Bears

2011-01-10T19:30:00.000+00:00

It is true to say that I don’t watch a great deal of ITV. This is for three reasons. Firstly, I don’t have any children. Secondly, I am in full control of most of my mental facilities and finally I don’t give a shit about Coronation Street which seems to be at least a quarter of their output. However every so often you have to go back and try something, just because you didn’t like it in the past doesn’t mean that things haven’t changed. Your tastes may have developed (who likes their first sip of wine or taste of olives?) the product may have changed (Channel Five no longer shows erotic thrillers on Friday nights and Huba Buba isn’t made of Whales) or you may have just been wrong about something the first time you saw it (Chris Jefferies…too soon?). With this is mind I have watched not one but two ITV prime time shows each achieving varying degrees of success.

Fool Me

If you had asked me a few weeks ago if there were any ‘magic’ programmes on television I would have said no and I don’t see a comeback for the genre any time soon. However both the BBC and ITV must have spoken to the same focus group (how do you get onto a focus group?). What came from these groups (or group) was a keen desire for Magic shows on TV and to have them hosted by past it presenters. Fool Me is what ITV came out with. Making use of Jonathan Ross and Pen and Teller the magicians of Great Britain come out and perform their best trick to Pen and Teller who then try to cryptically describe how the trick was achieved. If they are unsuccessful in doing so then the acts that fool them get to go off to Las Vegas to open a show. Think of it like Jonathan Creek but without a murder or anyone punching a tramp neither of which would be appropriate on this show.

Depending on the success of having someone who plays a mute as a judge maybe the idea could be extended to Luis Walsh who could judge the x-factor in a gimp mask and gag. All in all the programme was very entertaining and gave some very talented magicians a chance to show off their talents without having to be in the same room as Simon Cowell.

Take Me Out

Let us get straight into the important issues with no dallying about. Who the fuck told Paddy Mcguinness that “No Likey, No Lighty,” was a catch phrase that was of sufficient quality to appear on British TV or to be even uttered in the English language. Just having written this napkin scrawl of a swollen fuck wit’s half idea on this page is annoying me. Even lines away from where it appeared my attention is drawn to it by the red squiggly lines that are the curse of the illiterate. I will not however let my slight OCD tendencies win on this issue and I will not be adding these words to the dictionary gifting it the legitimacy of appearing as equal with the real words of the English language.

For those who aren’t aware of the premise of the show Paddy Mcguinness (off of the back of being mates with Peter Kay and marrying a model fifteen years younger than him) is the ring leader of the ‘flirty thirty.’ Some fella is brought out and the ladies giggle, wink and pout to within an inch of their lives each trying to look more like a sex crazed cartoon adolescent than the previous. The ‘lucky fella’ (although I would say there are rarely any winners in this show) is then judged worthy or otherwise by the ladies, he shows off a ‘talent’ which in some cases can be as amazing as being quite tall or looking a little like someone famous. Finally the power goes back to the man who gets to cast an eye over each of the ladies like a butcher at a meat market before deciding which one he is going to take out on a date.

I could look at some quite questionable gender politics here but I am not a good rider and that horse is a really high one to attempt humour from.

Spy on the Ice

Flamingo Land in Yorkshire used to be home to a Polar bear, it didn’t do much. In fact it looked so sad in its white painted concrete prison that my mum stopped walking us through that side of the zoo. When I saw that the BBC was showing a documentary about the hapless creatures I wondered how interesting they could be. The answer was very. “Polar Bear: Spy on The Ice” achieved what the BBC do so well: that perfect balance of informative footage, narration, a slight anthropomorphism of the subject and moments that just make you go awww. With Mr. Attenborough hanging up his microphone and empire hat the race is on to find the next king of the wildlife documentary and the throne has a number of suitors. Leading the pack are David Tennant and Stephen Fry. I have now seen quality documentaries narrated by them both and I have complete faith that either one of them will continue to keep BBC wildlife documentaries as the source of worldwide envy that they deserve to be.

The TV schedules are a little thin at the moment but if you have spotted something that I haven’t then please let me know and I will give it a watch and spew forth my unwelcome opinions.

The Decemberists: The King is Dead 3/10

2011-01-09T19:33:00.001+00:00

Depending on whom you believe the Decemberists are either partakers in the 1825 Russian uprising or a folk band from Portland Oregon. Presented with the evidence for both (a physical cd and a Wikipedia article) I have settled on the latter we all know not to trust Wikipedia don’t we. Again depending on whose council you trust folk is currently having a bit of a revival and is considered cool, if cool is a word that is still well you know… cool. I would like to nail my colours to the mast (black and white poker dots please) and declare that I am not wholly against this and have been quite an early adopter of this trend (Laura Marling, Willy Mason, Mumford and Suns). What I will say is that some American artists producing what is currently referred to as folk sails dangerously close to what I would call country, which as of yet is still totally unacceptable in a modern society (Bright Eyes et al.)

I don’t really know anything about the back catalogue or history of the Decemberists or music from this tradition so I began listening with no preconceptions and I have come to the conclusion that I really don’t like it. It just isn’t my cup of builder’s tea. I can somehow hear why other people would like it and can appreciate the song writing and to a lesser extent the musicianship and production but it just doesn't float my boat, get me any closer to Vince Vaughn or pitching a tent by the hardened old oak tree.

Some would argue that this isn’t a proper review and them people would be right! It isn’t but life is too short for me to listen to this album enough times for me to produce anymore words on the subject.

In summery I didn’t like, you might. You really shouldn’t listen to me anyway I have an extensive collection of nu-metal, novelty socks and unresolved childhood issues.

Love and Other Drugs 6/10

2011-01-03T12:11:00.002+00:00

Love and Other Drugs 6/10

After eating Christmas, drinking in the new-year and grazing like dystopian junk food cattle through the intervening period, last night I waddled to my car and drove to the cinema feeling like the filling in a dripping sandwich (one for the oldies). Upon arrival tickets were purchased and I eased my festively enlarged derriere into the allocated slot and spent two hours watching a bit more of two of Hollywood most perfect bodies than I had expected to see. Coveting of thy neighbours’ pop-corn/hot dog/nacho snack buffet spectacular ceased instantly and first looking at Jack Gyllenhaal’s body and then my own, slumped in the cinema’s half-light with belly protruding and jiggling lightly as I chuckled (yes chuckled like a jolly fat man) I realised three things: One, I hadn’t being paying attention to the film. Two, when I was thirteen I could have stayed up all night watching erotic thrillers on channel five and I still wouldn’t have seen this much action and Three, I like crisps (and my girlfriend) too much to ever seriously aspire to sleeping with a Hollywood actress.

(Anyway, the film was actually quite good so I don’t want to fall into the trap of focusing on the nudity or ‘chemistry’ as broadsheet newspapers are referring to it. I have fallen into the trap haven’t I…Yep, I’m definitely in the trap. It’s cold and dark and sticky down here and teeming with perverts and voyeurs. I am now going to try and climb out with words. The first of these words being…)

Bums and Boobs aside this film was a romantic comedy which was both romantic and…wait for it…funny. For a genre that is so prolific in output I am struggling to think of many in the last two years that would pass this seemingly simple test. The humour in the film is sometimes childish and often slap stick but it doesn’t rely on lazy gender stereotyping or butt clenching bawdiness and rarely detracts from the narrative. The laughs give you welcome lifts from what is quite a difficult subject matter somewhere near the centre of the film.

The film follows the relationship of a Lothario (drugs) salesman and his latest crumpet as they first fall into lust, then love and then well let’s not give it all away. Matters are complicated by the fact that Mr Gyllenhaal is heartless and materialistic and Ms Hathaway has early onset Parkinson’s which means that this film could never be described as a Rom-Com Romp (thankfully).

My main criticism of the film is one that may prove to be unfair so go see the film and make up your own mind. I would argue that Anne Hathaway’s character is still mainly defined by her disability. I think that this was not supposed to be the case as she, to the writer’s credit visibly works two jobs and is an active artist but even when her illness wasn’t centre stage it still appeared to be the main influencing factor in her actions. In support of the writers there is a turning point in the film where she meets others suffering from Parkinson’s and is inspired not to be distinguished by her illness alone but in the same scene Mr Gyllenhaal’s character comes to define her solely by her disability and resolves to have her ‘fixed.’ I realise that I am tying myself in massive knots with this and what was intended to be criticism has now turned into a commentary but I hope the semblance of a discussion point is salvageable from the car crash above.

This film was in equal measures funny, tragic and a great showcase of the actors talents. Now, can I give you a promotional pen to go with this review?

I ran't Laughing

2011-01-01T13:46:00.000+00:00

A Boiler Plate Films of The Year List

2010-12-31T11:29:00.004+00:00

Roll up roll up for my uninformed misguided opinion on the top five movies of 2010. Having written down my list I then checked out the usual Internet suspects and found to my horror that my list is as uniform as a well-oiled Korean sardine marching regiment. So whilst I have essentially nothing new to add I felt the blog would be somewhat incomplete without the cardinal end of year list. I wont be including much of a synopsis of any of the films because quite frankly you must have been living on another planet (intriguing) or you have been walking around with your fingers in your ears and your thumbs in your eyes (nut job).

Number Five: - Scott Pilgrim Vs The World, 7/10

Are there problems with this film? Yes, there are many but it had something that loads of films this year lacked. An overriding sense of fun. Giddy teenage geeky fun. Enjoyment was further enhanced when I spotted an opportunity for a drinking game to lubricate your passage past the final two evil ex’s (as the film does start to lag a bit by this point). As with all good drinking games the rules are simple: Make sure all players have some lemonade in their glass; Turn on the Film; at each point that a film/video game/TV show is referenced shout out the film/game/TV from which the reference comes; You are the winner well done, your friends must now take a drink. Make sure you have a bucket handy as the references come thick and fast from word go.

Number Four: - Shutter Island, 7/10

Shutter Island is a Martin Scorsese film that somewhat suprisingly, like the film above has a great sense of fun about it. What made this film stand out for me was the strength of the narrative which was almost classical in its approach. That is to say it was a real driven story that didn’t dally for a moment and only ever moved forward. The film was critisised by some reviewers for being as subtle as a brick sculpture of a brick with the word BRICK printed across it a point reinforced by the retro thriller soundtrack. However for me it was the lack of subtlty and straightforwardness that charmed me that was until the last scene which was like being struck round the head by the aforementioned sculpture.

Number Three: The Social Network, 7/10

I reviewed this here http://fluffandtoenails.blogspot.com/2010/10/social-network-710.html I liked it. A LOT. Once your brain adapts to the kamakasi speed of diaologue the film is quick witted and an excellent example of characters carrying a film. Jessie Eisenberg will go on to even better things and I look forward to seeing this film again to catch the wittisisms that whizzed by in the whirl pool of words the first time.

Number Two: - Inception, 8/10

It is a Christopher Nolan film, need I say more…Evidently I should…Will I…No I don’t think so… You can still see inception at some Cinemas if you havn’t yet been go.

Number One: Toy Story Three, 9/10

I saw this in San-Francisco on the day that I was flying out to Sydney and I don’t know if it was lack of sleep, the thought of a 17 hour flight or that I am a big girls blouse (lets here it for 1970s homophobia!) but I found my self getting quite emotional. Not once, a well fained sneeze could have masked that. Not twice, “ooh there is something in my eye,” might have covered that. Three times: “I know she doesn’t look like she would but that girl just kicked me in the knackers.” Four times: “Ok It’s the film, I’m crying at the film. I know it’s a cartoon. What are you doing? No don’t text my dad. And what are YOU laughing at little girl, I’ll give you something to cry about!”

Expert Advice

2010-12-30T13:58:00.001+00:00

Christmas TV and all the Trimmings

2010-12-29T15:12:00.000+00:00

Ah Television, the saviour of Christmas. The well welcomed distraction from conversation, the cause of argument, the void into which we can stare as we pretend that we didn’t all just hear Grandma fart, the preoccupation that allows for all the beer to be drunk, all the Bailies to be consumed and quality streets to be mindlessly munched without any of the judgements that would be passed on any other day of the year. Is it co-incidence that John Logie Baird, the father of television was himself born like Christ on Christmas Day? Co-incidence? I think not! For those fact watchers amongst you this is a lie but my point stands.

When the Christmas schedules came out there was much condemnation from the tabloids who went ahead and ran their usual “it’s just a load of repeats” stories, predictably targeting their anger at the BBC. I’m not entirely sure what they were after Christmas really isn’t the time for avant-garde television for a number of reasons. One you will inevitably be drunk, Two, you will be talking over it, Three, you will be leaving the room to top up on crackers and posh cheese, Four, If the annual family argument erupts during the program and you are not centrally involved then you need to be able to follow both the argument and the accompanying program. Five, it needs to be snooze proof and must be therefore something so simple that a farmyard animal can follow or a repeat so you can fill in the food coma induced gaps with the memories of last Christmas. It is with this in mind that I don’t have any complaints with the Christmas scheduling except from that old bird spraffing on about sport that was frankly condescending in the extreme.

As always a great deal of this Christmas was given over to the soaps and come boxing day I found myself summarising plot points to family members who must have been napping through previous episodes. I was then asked how I knew so much about what was going on. Having not consciously watched any of the soaps I could only offer cultural osmosis as a rather scary hypothesis for my knowledge. In summery there was a lot of shouting, hair pulling, some guy living in a conservatory, some lass stabbing herself and no one having a particularly merry Christmas.

Channel Four was born to be the channel of the contrarian. It has been living up to this remit less and less of late so it was nice to see that the (once) controversial sit-com Peep Show dominated their Christmas Eve output. Easily missed documentaries gave way to the first Peep Show Christmas special and three ‘best ever’ episodes as chosen by ‘the great British public’ who, if this selection is to be extrapolated from love magic mushrooms and pissing in church. For me the genius of Peep Show is how the characters lead each other from the safe and mundane to the ridicules in so few steps that we could conceivably with only a few poor decisions find ourselves with the making of an episode. For Mark this year Christmas started with the family coming round and ended in the exiting of his Girlfriend, the breaking of a patriarchy and the shredding of a Christmas dinner. To describe the Christmas episode as being a parody of the soaps would be unfair to both as, if played straight, the script could be almost identical to the story lines of the Soap Trinity.

Other noticeable comedy came from the Royle Family whose characters are so enduring that we are more than happy to jump back into their lives once a year for a catch up and Just William which proved to be the turkey in this year’s selection box raising only a brief smile before being turned off mid flow. However I hope this doesn’t affect the progress of the show’s star Daniel Roche who was as excellent in this as in his previous role in Out Numbered.

The final stop of this festive fist of fudge fumble through the Christmas schedule is Top of The Pops. Thank God that the BBC resisted the advances of Mr. Cowell. Yes the show looks frankly a bit cheap when measured against shows such as the x-factor results shows but its classic format and the earnestness and excitability of those that come to perform on what they still class as an institution makes its once a year outing a real treat. Cee Loo Green, Elle Golding, Katy Perry, Plan B and Coldplay were all really great as was Jason Derulo’s wardrobe when he appeared looking like a black Freddie Krueger had fallen into the Tron machine.

I did also intend to include in this post the conclusion of all the reality TV shows that had their finals in the lead up to Christmas but as is the nature of these things who still cares? Not I. For when I tried to recall the name of the winner of X-Factor (let alone the runner up) I found myself heading to Google, a sure sign not to bother if you ask me.

I hope you all had a Happy Christmas and I will be back on a more regular footing come the New Year.

All The Best,

Matt Baker Mates His Sheep, One Direction Are Ploughed Down By Ann Widdecombe who is Being Hunted By Hounds

2010-12-07T17:12:00.000+00:00

It’s the weekend, it’s way past pay day, it’s snowing like a “muva fuker” outside (or so I am reliably informed by my brother’s facebook status.) the result of the aforementioned being that it has been a weekend of intense TV viewing. All those jolly festive songs fail to sum up how tedious this can be.

The weather outside is frightful,
The TV is so inviting,
And Since we’ve no place to go,
We can watch a drawn out results show.

This week someone sneezed in the direction of Casa de X-Factor causing all contestants to be struck down by what is known in the biz as the snivels. Boo Fucking Hoo! I’m not saying that people shouldn’t moan about getting a cold. It’s fucking awful and the only way to find happiness in such a situation is to spread your misery by telling people how shitty you feel. BUT there has to be a line drawn somewhere and using ITV as your germy, moaning, woe is me mouth piece has to be crossing that line.

One Direction (who must surely now be the favourites to win this year) performed chasing cars which was fitting for a band made up of five lads who look like puppies. But we all know what happens when you let puppies play on the road, accidents happen and this week’s accident happened over on the BBC where Ann Widdecombe (of backward bigotry fame) got voted off, meaning that the British viewing public will no longer have the option of seeing a graceless homophobe being dragged around a dance floor by a man with presumably enough gay friends to warrant dropping her on her noggin.

Sunday, that was cold. So cold that I watched countryfile. Which always reminds me of Sunday visits to my Gran's, where we would be shushed whilst the weather was on so she could concentrate on the taking of copious notes. She would then consult this book to check the weather for anyone professing an interest in visiting her during the next week. She is a bit of an odd lady but bloody organised, may I suggest a role for her in government, transport secretary perhaps or snow tsar.

This weeks countryfile consisted of twinkle toes Durham darling Matt Baker mating his sheep and spreading his hay. So far so countryside. Next was hunting with blood hounds, sounds controversial? yes? Well not to worry they dodged this bullet by hunting a woman. So, not controversial atall you see.

Next week will be the jumbo x-factor results post Ooo I bet you can hardly wait.

Oh no its a top ten list...

2010-12-04T13:36:00.000+00:00

Sorry that it has been so quiet on the blog front. I got a new job and the transition from dole bum to working lad has proved somewhat problematic for two reasons. One, the white devil dust that falls nightly and two, working is tiring, especially when you haven’t done any for months.

Anyway I’m back now so stop the moaning. There are however going to have to be some changes between now and the New Year. Both film and music reviews will be more sporadic in frequency due to the infantilising and broad nature of movie and music releases over the period of enforced festivity.

I know it may be a little too early for a best albums of 2010 list BUT you would be wrong. After having scanned the release schedule I can’t see anything of any merit on the horizon before the visit of the fat fella. So here it is; my top albums and songs of 2010 in, yes you guessed it, Haiku. I’m pretty sure this list won’t match any others out there as it is based purely on those albums that I purchased so I’m sure there are some really excellent albums missing. Feel free to let me know.

Cue the music: den ur du dur du du du…

Albums

Number 5: Yeasayer: Odd Blood

Their Odd Looking Folks
With an eclectic sounding
Ambitious Debut

Number 4: Bombay Bicycle Club: Flaws

Two albums, one year.
Flaws is the acoustic one
Masterful Construct

Number 3: Cee Lo Green: Lady Killers

Motown’s Back around
Cool as you like, though fuck you
Is ruined by curse.

Number Two: The Gaslight Anthem: American Slang

Working Class Rock Music?
Is What they say, I hear punk.
A mature album.

Number 1: Vampire Weekend: Contra

My most played tracks they
Come from this CD who knew
Itunes, it told me.

Songs

Number 1: Katy Perry: California Girls

California Girls,
We’re unforgettable and
I bet your singing.

Number 2: Eminiem ft Rihana: Love the Way you Lie

If feels almost real
Hip Hop so rarely gets close
Production is Fab

Number 3: Foals: Spanish Sahara

“Lads, Do we need a
Chorus,” “I don’t think we do.”
“And that’s the single?”

Number 4: Dan le Sac + Scrubious Pip Five Minutes

Story Telling rap
Understated and touching
Intelligent? Yes!

Number 5: The Drums Lets Go Surfing

Whistle it away
In a car in the summer
You will feel happy.

Take Away Those Children In Need

2010-11-23T11:30:00.001+00:00

Children in Need, X Factor, The Trip

Children in Need (It’s Charity/10)
When I was wee my family always had a Children in Need/Red Nose Day tradition that I have carried on, but now that I am older and more cynical it really isn’t that nice and I don’t want you to judge me for it.

We order take away!

We sit in our warm house and gorge ourselves on the best of grease in a box and watch those hungry unfortunate blighters until we feel bloated and guilty enough to donate. Just a couple of quid mind, not the value of the take away we couldn’t possibly afford that.

But we shouldn’t let cynicism effect traditions, just ask the pope.

If it makes you think better of me this year’s takeaway was pretty poor. We were staying in the countryside you see and the problem with ordering ethnic food in the country side is that there is no one from a relevant ethnicity to cook it. The only Indian that I have seen in the town is an accountant and I am reliably informed it would be counter to good race relations to expect him to be able to cook a curry let alone deliver it. When I once raised the lack of ethnic diversity it was pointed out to me that a gentleman on a neighbouring farm had started breeding alpaca, so I guess things are improving.

Anyway back to the Idiot Box:

This year’s award for the most genuinely amusing skit goes to Coronation Street and Eastender’s who offered up not their usual tongue in cheek musical number but a mini sit-com which saw the inhabitants of aforementioned areas partaking in a cultural exchange. Highlights included an Asian off between the two soaps Indian families, (think goodness gracious me in reverse) and one up man ship between Gail ‘the Gerbil’ Platt and her Eastender’s counterpart on the subject of who married the biggest psychopath.

The news casters put in their usual amount of effort, but it was disappointing to see the male newsreaders take a backseat to the girls. Has Jeremy Paxman ever partaken in a musical number? I would personally donate very generously to see him singing a song of disproportionate joy to his personality.

X Factor 5/10

X-Factor exposed two things this week the first being the train of stupid that is Cheryl Cole and the genuine (as opposed to pantomime) nastiness of Simon Cowell.
Following Wagner’s performance Cheryl Cole decided to unleash some rehearsed fury on Wagner sighting some remarks that he had made to a journalist about her being from a council estate. Whilst this wasn’t the time and the place for grievance to be aired Wagner handled it brilliantly pointing out the unreliability of the British media and talking about her as a role model in glowing terms.

On a separate note they have obviously decided to continue to mispronounce Wagner’s name as some kind of joke, not only is this unbelievably rude it also makes them all look rather stupid as Wagner isn’t exactly an uncommon pronunciation. World famous composer, anyone? I don’t think that even the most ignorant of the panel isn’t aware of this.

Cheryl Cole, the ‘mentor’ of Cher Lloyd (you know the one who raps a bit and was looking slightly relevant at the start of the show). We were led to believe that this week John Lennon’s Imagine was chosen for her to sing by Cheryl, we were also led to believe that Cheryl (as we are with all the mentors) chose the cleaver spiral stair case staging. For those of you who didn’t know a spiral staircase was pertinent as it was modelled on that of the Bank St apartment shared by John and Yoko. Mr. Cowell clearly was aware of this and pressed Cheryl on her reasons for making the choice knowing full well that the choice hadn’t been hers and that she was clueless about its relevance but also knowing that she had to act as though the decision was entirely hers. For anyone still under any illusions that ‘mentors’ actually play much of a role I think this is some more evidence to contradict that script.

The Trip 4/10

I’ve decided. I don’t like it that much. The melancholy drama is genius but the improvised dialogue in the restaurants gets a little tedious.
I’m going to see Harry Potter tonight… Just so you know…

Back With Their Original Line Up and They Call This Progress?

2010-11-22T15:26:00.001+00:00

Take That - Progress - 8/10

I am a 24 year old male. I don’t think that makes me a part of Take That’s immediate demographic. I have somehow managed to reach this stage of my life without really considering them in any depth, that was until their new album ‘Progress’ became the fastest selling album ever. Yes ever. Think of a truly great album, got it? This one has sold quicker. Go on try again; yep it beat that one too.

I arrive at this review with a limited knowledge of Take That. Here is what I know. Take That were formed in the early nineties by record exec types looking to form a boy band around a northern pub singer, bag of talent Gary Barlow. Progress was slow but the tried and tested ‘get the gays and the girls will follow’ approach to launching a boy band was taken (pre x-factor you must understand). Gradually they went from club act to ‘pop sensation’ with all the hysteria and tabloid drama that accompanies it. Many great pop songs later Robbie Williams left something happened involving a court case and then the remaining four called it a day. Gary Barlow continued to be talented and wrote lots of big selling songs for loads of UK artists Robbie Williams went stellar and Mark Owen try as he might didn’t really achieve much . An urban legend about Gary Barlow living in loving harmony with 90’s children’s TV presenter Andy Peters sadly proved not to be true and then a few years ago the band got back together and older and wiser made the amount of money they should have made the first time around. Without ridicules dance routines and trading on an air of credibility they targeted a wider audience, a fussy young family that shops at marks and spencer, you know the type. Then a couple of months ago it was announced that Robbie Williams would be re-joining reuniting the band’s original line up.

Having never listened to a Take That album I am sat at my keyboard in somewhat of a shell shocked stupor. It’s good. It’s actually very good. Excluding for a second the single ‘The Flood,’ the album closer resembles the work of late period Robbie Williams (you know the interesting stuff that no-one bought) and Damon Albern’s Gorrilaz than the drippy ballad territory that I expected. Is this an unusual turn? Someone tell me, I may have to buy another take that album. Gorillaz. Fuck me did I just compare Take That to Gorillaz…I did… I really did and I wasn’t doing it in a prickish way. That was a full blown genuine compliment.

Robbie Williams features heavily on the vocals and I imagine that he had a hand in some of the more esoteric lyrics. Gary Barlow, whilst I’m sure being heavily musically involved doesn’t sing as much as you would expect with Mark Owen taking more of a share than you would believe to be wise based on his thin vocal performance on previous singles, the god awful Shine being a prime example. In fact the more raw sound of Marks vocals are probably the best suited to edgier sounds on this album (Take That… Edgy sounds… Bloody hell…)

Album highlights are 'SOS' in which all the production toys are taken out of the box for Mark Owen and Robbie Williams to play with. Kidz would be amongst my favourites but for the fact that it skirts a bit too close to the Gorrillaz Feel Good Inc. (Which in turn I think has a questionably large debt to The Kinks Sunday Afternoon)

An album low point is ‘Affirmation’ which gives Howard a rare crack at the microphone with what sounds like an Ah-Ha B-side. However it is Album opener ‘The Flood’ which is for me the poorest track on the album. Its role as lead single strikes me as somewhat dishonest as it represents everything that Take That have been and not this new and relevant sound that the album goes on to play host to, though this may be the progress that the title declares.

It is unusual for an album by a mainstream pop act to have more than two or three quality songs all of which are inevitably released as singles. Seven good tracks out of ten is excellent and sures up Take That’s position as songwriters and musicians not merely pop play things.