Flutter and Buzz

Just Write!

2017-02-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

Why it is Prevalent Advice

After years of reading blogs and books or listening to podcasts to help my authors there is one common bit of wisdom that writers seem to avoid. It's been in bold, italics, set by itself or so many other ways which are not subtle. Yet, there are writers still following blogs and podcasts or buying books and magazines on "How to Write a Book!"

Let's distill what all of these authorities keep saying, repeatedly:

Just Write

Honestly, it's not easier said than done. It's something you do, without talking about it, thinking about it, planning it, arranging around it or even worrying about it. As a matter of fact, you are not writing a book at this point you are just telling a story. So the mantra is: Write the story. Write the story. Write the story.

Just Write

It's going to be ugly, even monstrous. Your rough draft should be horrible, warty and slimy. It should have so many typos and grammatical errors that your word nerd friends would cringe. It should have plenty of sections which don't make sense or are just plain wrong. You heard me, it should be wrong. Inaccurate descriptions, incorrect information and completely wrong words.

Just Write

Who cares if you have the right tech? Use the voice memo function of your smart phone to get your ideas out then transcribe the ideas into notepad or word. If you'd like to use software, that's great. Yet don't get stuck on all the functions that you can do with the software, just use it to put something together. Don't get lost outlining, or creating your character sketches, or... , or...

Just Write

Not one published author wrote the perfect book on the first try. They wrote a terrible draft that no one got to see, revised it as best they could - possibly twice, sent it to beta readers, revised it again after getting the betas' feedback, sent it to the content editor, revised with those notes, sent it to the line editor, revised with those notes and finally sent it to the copy editor to format. Mind you some of them even send it to a proofreader before sending a manuscript to their copy editor. Phew!

So why try to do the work ahead of time to write the perfect book when you're going to have to make changes and revisions later on?

Just Write

Let the rest of us worry about making it pretty and ready for public consumption. We just want you to focus on getting a story out. Write the story that's buzzing insistently to get out, write the story which distracts you throughout the day as it flutters back and forth, write the story you need to tell. I want to read it, but I can't if you don't

Just Write

Catching the wave!

2017-02-08T13:28:00.001-07:00

Holy Moly!

The last couple of weeks have been filled with one wave of projects after another. And catching each wave at the right time as well as staying on it has been a great challenge. I have learned a lot. About me, about my colleagues and even about my husband. We are definitely moving upward and riding those waves a lot better with every set.

Being part of a team where I get to play with content a bit brings me a little bit of joy. Figuring out how to work through challenges in mindsets and organizing how we communicate on paper or digitally makes me happy as it grows my skills. I am truly grateful for having a place where I have support as I learn different styles of communication.

With that being said, I am missing having words to fuss with. Editing and Formatting for publishing make me happy. So now I need to find at least one more author to keep me busy at home. I am feeling a yearning to write a summary, to play with vocabulary, and to help make a story engaging.

I am ready to catch these waves!

Knocked for a Loop

2017-01-21T09:20:00.000-07:00

A good chunk of people come from dysfunctional families. Some of us break out of the cycle and some of us just follow the same path because it is familiar.

I hope that I am one of the ones who have broken out of the cycle of emotional constipation and the cruelty which is born from it.

I've mostly dealt with my childhood traumas and losses, and when I get sucked back into that darkness it doesn't take me long to pull the memory out in its fullness, thank it for the scars and put it back away. (I have found that moving on is a continual process not a one time accomplishment.) But going back to my hometown for my uncle's funeral hit way too many buttons and I am having a harder time thanking anything. Plus there are a few new memories to add to the box.

My plan was to come back, write about meeting the adults I used to babysit or at least change the diapers of, however, I haven't gotten to that part of my coming back home process.

If you don't know this by now, my mind is always trying to put the puzzle together, no matter what form that puzzle is in. Sometimes I amuse myself because I get distracted by a section which reminds me of something and that rabbit hole leads to a tea party. Sometimes, like this time, the rabbit hole lead to both the Jabberwocky and Bandersnatch.

My "jabberwocky" is thoughtless selfishness. My "bandersnatch" is pride.

When I say thoughtless selfishness I mean when someone doesn't think about a situation other than what they want. For example, I was told several times, (attempted guilt trips), that I don't visit enough or that I disappeared. My response of course was that I haven't had anyone visit me at all and they are always welcome. Here is how this is both thoughtless and selfish. I am expected to make the effort to reach out regardless of my situation. No one thought about or remembers the fact that my family was almost homeless, that we were destitute for quite some time, or that when we were in town they were busy. (BTW I am VERY grateful and humbled that my support system came in the form of good friends who became family. They were my life boat and I hope I can repay that.) I could jab at this Jabberwocky with hurt and resentment, throwing all the trials and tribulations at the snapping jaws of this beast. This would only lead to both of us continuing to battle in a bloody war. Or I can forge a vorpal sword of forgiveness as well as gentle darts of reminders that my door is always open and my phone is always available. The forging of this magical weapon is tough and laborious, yet the undertaking is worth the sweat and tears. I am working on it still.

Pride is tricky. Of course we all want to be proud of our accomplishments. We want to hold our heads high and acknowledge that we are worth... something. Most of the time with families it goes a bit too far. This leads us as individuals unable to ask for help or share our struggles. This bandersnatch led to a big ugly pile of resentment when it came to my uncle's death. His wife & children didn't want to use the D word when talking to the rest of the family about his illness, (thus the true nature & severity was lost on people who don't do subtle.) My father's pride kept the rest of our family from knowing that he is struggling financially and that my husband and I were struggling in the past. My pride keeps me from correcting assumptions and accusations. My mom's pride keeps her from admitting that her memory has holes. And the list goes on. I don't know how to deal with my part in this as I also don't want to alienate people further. But I am much MUCH better at keeping it from happening in the future by asking for help now and letting people know when things are less than ideal. Of course we can only be responsible for ourselves, so the beast continues to claw, scratch and bite. This makes it a much more difficult beast to overcome. You cannot defeat it, you can only subdue it. So I must find a way to charm it. Hopefully then it will wander off to sleep for a bit.

The point where a night of drinking and dancing with friends to get my equilibrium back is drawing closer. First maybe a rowdy and silly D&D game will get me laughing enough to put these monsters into perspective. Then I can talk about the adults I still picture in diapers.

Hmm... Maybe I just need a new novel to edit.

Getting Wild

2017-01-11T10:37:00.000-07:00

I deal with grief and feeling trapped pretty much the same way. With a little controlled wildness. Spend some money frivolously, change my hair, buy new makeup - you know things I can control but know I probably shouldn't be doing right now.

The thing is, I am so very aware of all the pitfalls which come with completely losing control therefore I never let go of the reins. (Ok this one time I did and now I have a 15yo. j/k)

Honestly, it's just not in my programming to go off on a bender or disappear from the world on a moments notice. Sometimes I wish I could, but I have accepted that this is who I am.

YET! Last night I got the shortest haircut I've ever had, (totes adorbs), AND I have peek-a-boo colors of blue, green and purple. Yes, I got wild!
Add that to the boots I bought on Amazon and I am living on the edge. Hahaha

Here's the thing. I know that this is wild and crazy for me, because of the way people around me are reacting. Their reactions are definitely part of the fun. I also know that for some others who don't see me often or know me well it will barely register. Ah well.

My giddiness when I receive a big reaction, gets me wondering...
Is my controlled wildness a little evil? (I mean I definitely like poking some monkey cages, I think the poo is funny and I'm washable.) This is the fun thought exercise, which probably answers my question.

Then I overthink the whole process and wonder is this controlled wildness enough? Or am I just barely keeping the pipes from bursting?

And this is the thought tornado whirling through my brain today.

What do you think about the color?

How do I look?

2017-01-06T15:58:00.000-07:00

Perception

Something I learned very young is perception is super important in our lives. It's a powerful motivator with influential and invasive minions which can be detrimental or powerful.

Depending on who you speak to or what the application, the minions of perception are the tools that any self-help guru, marketing professional or sales coach teach. They are the basis of "fake-it til you make-it." These minions are also the key to "professionalism", which includes dress codes -written or not, phone etiquette, vocabulary expectations and diplomacy in the office. We want and need clients to view us a certain way. Public Perception can make or break a company. Much more so now than 10, 20, 30 years ago since we are now required to have a digital world-wide presence.

Again, the way people view us will either propel us forward or leave us hanging.

Family is also a game of perception. It is important to the heads of family how outsiders view the family as a whole because of course that is how they view the head of the household. It is even more important how the extended family views the nuclear family. Weird right? However, this plays out over and over again. There's an underlying competition within families which is won by the parents/guardians who have the most successful and exemplary children. Once again the minions - dress code, circumstantial etiquette, vocabulary expectations and diplomacy within the family are important. The need to maintain the perception of a well-adjusted family sometimes becomes toxic.

Yes, I said sometimes.

The reason behind the "fake-it til you make-it" mantra in business is that it creates productive habits. Keeping a calendar with penciled-in fake appointments creates a habit of maintaining your calendar. Once those appointments are actualized you are already in the habit of consulting your calendar and keeping it up to date. Faking a receptionist until you can hire one, creates an expectation for your clients of going through appropriate channels. Keeping an eye on appropriate fashion and replicating it, (within your means), creates a habit of presenting yourself the best way possible. All of these are equivalent to the productive habits for a healthy family model.

The perception game becomes destructive when its minions are suppressed or when they are let to run rampant. The minions body image, hygiene, self-worth, self-care, competition, etc., when used too often or not often enough create the monsters of Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Sleep Disorders and Addiction. These monsters can take years to tame, however, they are never truly conquered.

How are you using the minions of Perception? How have they been used on you?

Are you fighting the monsters they create? Did you tame these monsters?

It would seem that this is just the opening of this particular rabbit hole.

The Sum of Our Parts

2016-12-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

Why all the drama over the number of celebrity deaths this year?

Because it hurts.

Yes, we understand death is part of the cycle. Yes, we understand we don't know these folks personally. Yes, we understand. It still hurts. A raw ripping feeling as though pieces of your soul are being shredded with a SPOON.

Very different from the gnawing ache of sudden emptiness when a family member dies. Yet the reason is very similar.

Our families shape the footings for the foundation of our being. Our souls begin to take shape as they mold and guide us. Then our very being becomes tumultuous. We are separate from them, not replicas, we are OUR OWN PERSON! Serious teenage confusion begins the search for more. (And yes this presents in different ways but that is another story.)

Just like any architectural achievement, our personal construction requires RESEARCH. Music, movies, books, comics, magazines, and sometimes theatre are all the water, sand and gravel in the search for ourselves.

When we begin to find the pieces which either fit, or we desperately want to fit, the posters go up, the collections begin, and the soul grows. The soul changes. We now have a foundation ready, we think, to build upon.

Thus begins our individual journey, the adventure of learning about ourselves, the quest to find our tribe, the thingy to find fulfillment. (More posters, different collections, and new pieces.)

It is human nature to subconsciously think that all these people, the guides, the mentors, the inspirations will forever be around. They are a part of us, how could they not be?

The footings won't fail, the foundation won't crumble; however, the blueprints we lovingly bring out on occasion are now not just fading but beginning to rip - fast. We can feel it. We can't stop it.

Soon it will be familiar and we can remember with more fondness than sadness. Right now, we grieve and it's part of the cycle as well.

Dusting Off the Keyboard

2016-12-28T08:21:00.002-07:00

What an adventure!

To answer the burning question, yes I stopped writing. Life hit some whitewater and in order to stay in the game I had to specialize. When there are only so many dice to roll, you gotta be picky about what oars to keep. (Now how's that for mixing metaphors?)

My old nemesis the Time Thief gained some allies. However, those allies worked for me as well. I have gained the ally of Knowledge, while strengthening my ally Tribe.

After a lengthy game of strategy with several losses and a few gains I find my weapons sharper, stronger, and seasoned oh-so-well with the sweat and tears of my efforts as well as the efforts of my Tribe.
However, the color of my thoughts, the flitting pictures in my mind continue to want an outlet. I have been told countless times, "You should start a blog." I had one. I have one. No. I abandoned one.
Hemming, hawing, thinking, overthinking and finally coming to the conclusion that I suck... at diary keeping. But I love to play with the random sentences that fly through my mind.

So what's next?

When something hits me as funny and no one else gets it, I'll post.
When my soul feels the ripping sensation of truth, I'll post.
When I need to make fun of my moody self, I'll probably think about posting, then think better of it, then write it, erase it, and... I'll post.
In between all this I might fill in the gap of my abandonment of this lonely page.

Why shouldn't we all have fun as I try to herd butterflies?

So much STEAM!

2011-03-21T13:14:00.000-07:00

... and dust and cowboy hats too!

The big show that our troupe worked so hard on premiered at the Wild Wild West Steampunk Convention.

Well to be honest in its beginning it was to be a show specifically for this Con, but it grew to be so much more. But this is what happens with you get a writer like Erin Lausten involved. In short this show is now the beginning of so many more with Short Stories to match!

Walking around on the first day we fell in love with all the creative costuming! Watching different acts and listening to some awesome bands, we drooled with excitement at the possibilities that lay before us. In finding locations for pictures we were awed to be standing in the same places that so many Westerns were filmed. (We giggled when someone behind us noted that one section looked like Tatooine.) In short we were overwhelmed with the ideas swirling around us and we needed to FOCUS!

The Slumber Party Returned

The first night found the three of us that had bunked together at Estrella War bunking together again! Let the giggling ensue...
Oh you bet we were giggling when we were trying to fall asleep. We were so tired from the preparation, packing, traveling and doing some last minute costuming that we were a bit Punchy. We were outright laughing when we thought of Estrella and Ms. DT!

The Giddyness continued

The next day because we stayed up late and got up early. (Early enough that three females could get a shower, get mostly ready for the day and get to breakfast by 9am. Amazing right?) That as we were finishing the last minute grommeting in the hotel room we couldn't help but giggle. AND when we were walking around the the Convention we were not as shy as we normally are when handing out promotional materials. I think we scared a couple of folks at Old Tucson Studios.

Of course the giddyness disappeared when OTS and the directors of WWWCon got their wires crossed with our performance times. We did take it in stride and got the consolation prize of attending The League of S.T.E.A.M. dinner theater. What a hoot! Especially after attempting to eat a 2 foot pizza. (I wish someone had gotten a picture.)

Not a total bust for the first day of our first Steampunk Convention.

There was, of course, two more days left!

Estrella War - The Storm

2011-03-19T11:28:00.000-07:00

Estrella War was full of fun activities and everyone had a lot of things planned for each day we were there.
Unfortunately for those of us NOT on the battlefield, Saturday proved to be the day that flexibility was challenged.

Literally and Figuratively...

The winds blew! Swirling and Gusting they blew! We witnessed flying canopies, twisting aluminum and frantic members of the Populace running to secure their temporary homes. Stakes were shared, bodyweight used to anchor anything larger than a chair and children were corralled yet left to their own devices.

In short it was Mayhem! Loud and Scary!

I was not feeling well so once the children got a bit too much for my growing headache, I moved into the tent I was sharing with my troupemates. Those troupemates came inside as well. We were protected from the high winds and began chatting. Noticing that while this medieval style tent rocked a bit, the noise of the wind was less and we were unaware of the further Chaos that was occurring outside. We felt safe and cozy. All was right in our world.

We began a conversation that started with snarkiness, had giggles mixed in (surprising I know), moved on to emotional and ended with a Secret Society.

Sorry I can't tell you about it.... Yet. (We also have our own personal animal mascots.. shhhh!)

All in all we three grew a little closer and had a great time together. We finished the beer and let Sir Templeton have the empties. We were even kind enough to share snacks with him. He became too overwhelmed and needed to be put back in his basket.

Then T went outside to bring back more beer and witnessed the Destruction.

The modern nylon tents in front of and beside us had been ripped and ruined. Rain was now on its way so the mad dash to get belongings into vehicles was hot and heavy. We were astonished that we heard nothing of the Pandemonium and felt guilty for feeling so content in our "home".

Of course we offered to help. I was turned down as I was honestly not feeling well. The other two gals went out to get lunch into the folks that were working so hard and frantically. Sandwiches were made and handed out. Children were encouraged to stay in the "kitchen" and out of the way. Although the way they chose to entertain themselves with the foodstuffs was totally inappropriate. This drove my friends back into our tent. They helped everyone with sustenance, time to move away from the temptation to strangle young'uns. The rain had arrived and so had more beer. It was time to snuggle under blankets, drink more beer and wait out the Craziness.

We were impressed with the way that most folks dropped everything and helped their neighbors. We were impressed that the Nobility made sure to come around and check on the members of the Populace. We were not impressed with those that just bailed and didn't particpate in the magic that is the Current Middle Ages. That's ok. We learned a lot and saw great things. We also have more evil plans in the making.

Flexibility and a Sense of Humor!

The "survivors" showed these strengths and got the party to celebrate them.

Stardust!

Honestly?

2011-03-18T15:06:00.000-07:00

I have other posts written in the series I promised which will come out soon.. but Chaos and Nemesis got me again! Thereby keeping me doing other things than the scheduled writing. Those demons love this playground. It must be the abundance of evil plans and accomplishments.

I have defeated them, for the time being, and explained I have no time for their shenanigans. Yet I know that they will be back regardless.

This business with sending Gremlins into my vehicle was extremely aggravating BUT I will thank the demi-gods for the lesson learned by someone else.

Yes it's true. I was used! The incident was not a game played with me but through me. Sheesh. I am sure that it was necessary, as my anxiety and tears prompted the necessary change. Even further the change is also making other realizations sink in. I will benefit from this breakthrough in the long run. Once things calm down a bit more. For that I am grateful.

And Yet....

I still feel a bit violated. Even when the end result is positive (ish) and more growth is on its way... I can't shake the icky feeling of being the pot in which this stew was mixed. I will get over it I am sure. Especially when the trips to the fuel pump are further apart. The children being seated further apart will help as well.

Right now... I just need another shower.

Estrella War - The Slumber Party

2011-03-10T17:00:00.001-07:00

This past February was one of our big local SCA events Estrella War. This is the highlight of every year for most of us that play this game.

For the first time I attended this event as a "gypsy". Just a traveling nomad with only clothes to wear for the duration of my stay. In true SCA style I was offered shelter with some friends. My troupe mates actually. I got to curl up on the floor of the tent and rest for a couple of hours between the parties and the work that goes on at this event.

We didn't think anything of this arrangement until one of our Camp mates (Ms. DT) commented that we were having a slumber party and she just knew that the three of us would keep everyone up with our giggling. We of course did not believe her. Furthermore, we insisted that because we would be up until the wee hours dancing around a fire when we got back to camp we would fall into our "beds" and pass out.

Who would have known that the drummers on my first night of War would poop out relatively early and that we would be in that strange state of being tired but unable to stop talking when we got into the tent? Oh wait. Ms. DT that's who! When we realized that she had predicted this state of affairs uncontrollable bouts of giggling ensued. We did TRY to subdue the giggling fits, but that only made things worse. So we did what we could and just tried to keep the giggling too quiet for others to hear.

(I know you have ALL been there. At a friend's house for a sleepover and it's lights out. Everything is funny and you can't let anyone hear the giggling for fear of being separated.)

Truly it ended up being the girls' slumber party. Half asleep talking, giggling and warning each other to be quiet or else Ms. DT was going to have words with us.

As hysterical as that thought was to us at 3am, we were a bit disappointed when only 2 of our Camp mates admitted to hearing the quiet giggles.

Was one of them Ms. DT you ask?

Most assuredly not. She just smiled at us as we relayed our late evening. A smile of the well rested all too knowing person who is not in dire need of caffeine.

We were in DIRE need that morning.

Holy Cow!

2011-03-09T13:31:00.001-07:00

I told you that Time would get me!
It has been way too long since I have written anything other than an email. Let me tell you that my brain is so full of all the things I've wanted to share or create it's scary!

Another Table of Contents.
There is just too much for just one post. I realize that you all have lives. (Plus, I only have half an hour to work on this.) So this is fair warning that there will be a series of blog posts to get us caught up with what has gone on over the last TWO months.

The first series of blogs will have to do with the SCA and a gathering we call Estrella War. There was food, laughter, WIND, rain, dancing and more laughter. Plus a secret society was born that I can't share with you all yet. But in the future.... *G*

The second series of blog posts have to do with the Steampunk Convention my troupe just returned from. Can we just say RollerCoaster Ride. Lots of emotions as well as folks to poke fun at!

After all is said and done...

I should be back to just posting all the random things I see and hear. Just dancing out at Mesa's 2nd Fridays Out Artwalk should provide fodder for next week. Which Reminds Me!

In the middle of the insane rush the troupe danced at last month's artwalk. Right next to a reception hall! Yes there was a wedding there. And yes we ended up dancing with the groomsmen, the groom and the "priest". We were hoping to have pictures sent to us. But alas have not seen any yet.
What made this particular wedding party fun was the COLOR. The groomsmen were sporting hot pink converse and hot pink ties. One had even put pink streaks in his hair. (Had to have been the best man.) The ladies were in hot pink prom dresses. And everyone was sporting the 50's hairdos. It was fabulous.
I am still hoping that someone will remember to send us at least one photo. I am also hoping that some of those attendees will come out and see us again this month.
Speaking of which I need to get back to work on coordinating what we need and who is going to provide it for this week's performance.

I am so glad to be back at this and I hope you all will be happy to keep up with me :)

Projects, projects and MORE projects...

2011-01-19T13:15:00.000-07:00

So this is where we once again talk about Trickster Time... He is getting so much publicity from me, I wish there was a way to bill and collect from this elusive artist.

This is a glimpse into what my life has become and it will only get more insane from here.

The troupe has performances coming up that we are really excited about and can't wait to do. Of course we need to make costumes and refresh ourselves with certain styles of Middle Eastern dance. These shows are fast approaching. As a group we are realizing that just because something is a month away, it does not mean that we have a month to work on it.

When you take into account the time you already have committed to work, children, spouses and other activities the amount of time available to actually do work decreases. Also, the time you need to take to create and sew a costume takes away from the time you can use for rehearsal. This works the other way around as well. On top of all these things you should really try to factor in the fun that Trickster Time will have with you. He likes to work with Nemesis to create problems with the sewing machines or computers you are using to work on costumes and music. Time will also play around with the day that you are working and give you the impression of having 8 hours but the 4 hour project doesn't get finished because you only really had 3 hours to truly work on it.

It makes me tired just thinking about all the things that Time can do to you when you have a deadline. It also wears me out just trying to explain how it all works. Or doesn't as the case may be

Now here's where it gets interesting or insane, take your pick.

I am networking for the troupe as well as trying to costume myself for the BIG show coming up in March. Having agreed to do some other work where I need another costume by the end of this month. Yes, 2 weeks from now. Along with rehearsals and the dance class I am teaching, I am sure I will find the time. (Was that convincing?)

Then there is the multi-level marketing that needs at least some attention. No more than 15 minutes a day really. But somehow that 15 mins seems more like an hour when you try to find it loose and free. A block of 15 free minutes is the Jackalope of my world. Truly, have you ever really seen it?

Add on to this craziness my personal quest to bring more money into my household. I now have 2 commissioned sewing projects. Well 3 if you count the project I was supposed to do during the summer. I need an hour a day to fit those in and have them done before the event they are to be worn at. ACK! (Yes, I realize I asked for this.)

And last but not least is the writing. It's always waiting for me. Like that old friend from college that is happy to hang out with you but you always leave hanging until all your other social obligations are taken care of. I am honestly writing a little something every day. But slow and steady is not the actual pace I want to be at right now. (Impatient? Me?)

Now as I return to planning and costuming I do regret that I am not posting as often as I'd like. Nor am I writing as much as I could. I also have lots of unfinished sections on that multi-level marketing website. But it's okay. I am blaming it all on that trickster Time. Otherwise my 2 hours a day would be enough to get everything done.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Asking for Help

2011-01-18T12:23:00.000-07:00

Yes this is an ongoing issue for me and a few of my friends. We are brought up in a society where the biggest lesson given is that a smart, successful person is self-sufficient. I am not going to argue whether or not this is true. I just want to clarify and then think "out loud".

It has taken me years to learn that it is ok to ask for help. Yet still when something major happens, like not having a vehicle for a week, I forget that I have friends that will drive all the way to BFE and pick me up. I have gotten so used to having my own transportation that figuring out what to do without it was frustrating. Equally frustrating was getting my own lecture back about asking for help.

I believe that a big part of friendship and family for that matter is helping each other out. The whole "village" mentality should not stop at just raising a child. Our friends and family are the village that should support and encourage us in all aspects of our lives. These are the people that are there when you need them just about every time you need them. HOWEVER they can't know when they are needed if we DON'T tell them.

So why didn't I ask for help when my car was "in the shop". (My husband is a mechanic.) I honestly do not know. Maybe it was that little voice in the back of my head taunting me with being a failure because I couldn't get my son and I where we needed to go. Maybe it was that I feel like I live so far away from anyone I could ask for a ride. Maybe it is that feeling I have sometimes that I am the only one that does "dumb" things like lend people my car. (We had a couple seize the engine of the vehicle we lent them.) Or maybe this was too much stress for my brain to handle so it ran away.

Whatever the reason I felt stuck and frustrated for a couple of days before I sat in a friend's car getting the lecture. That friend gave me a ride to things I wanted to do as well as the things I needed to do. After that I was lent a car that doesn't get much use due to the fact that it's owner telecommutes. (Have I mentioned I have awesome friends?)

By the following week, when I had my 4runner back, I was feeling very connected to my village. I was impressed by the fact that my high standards are there for a reason. I was also given a lot of crap for not asking for help in the first place by several people. Which I duly deserved.

The fear and anxiety of what I will do when this vehicle finally gives up is mostly gone. I love my 4runner. It's just old and tired and I understand it's trying to give me fair warning. I have a village full of support and love, or if you'd rather free rides and under used cars.

Didn't see that one coming...

2011-01-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

I noticed today that my protagonist's name is the same, (or very similar), as my favorite childhood villain-ess.

Sometimes my thoughts get so churned up with the frantic pace of life that it takes a bit for them to settle and leave clarity behind. Much like sediment in a lake when you stand still after walking in from the edge.

A couple of weeks ago my friends and I were talking about our favorite childhood cartoons. Naturally most of mine were the "boy" type cartoons. Lots of action and violence! Typically the writers had to modify them as to not alienate female viewers. This then gave us girls strong females to associate with. Which probably explains my mother's strange habit of getting me the male sidekicks of the popular girl's dolls. Yuck!

Let's try and forget that. Again.

I was pretty into Thundercats, He-Man, Transformers and okay I will admit it, The Smurfs. Gargamel was fun. There was also this Amazon Jungle super hero chick with a cool necklace/weapon thing. But I digress.

These action filled and sometimes dark animated series gave me much more to chew on. They made great fodder for my wildly overactive imagination. (Ask me about the wooden lion sometime.) The action was a lot of fun, we were always happy that the hero won BUT the villains were awesome. Villains by definition should be strong. This strength is very prominently displayed. Female villains couldn't be buff so they had to be smart, sassy, independent and did I mention smart? This is the most consistent place you will find a truly unique and independent female character.

After many intervening years I cannot remember storylines or most of these character's specialties. I remember most vividly, however, trading stickers and toys so I could have everything with Evil-Lyn. I still want her costume!

Yet after working on this story for a couple of years and talking about these cartoons a couple of weeks ago, TODAY is the day I realize this irony. Today I realized that my nerve-wracked, smart ass, fiercely protective, very smart and very in love Human Female lead has the same name as the villain I loved as a child.

Evelynn is bugging me to stop admiring how my mind works and get back to her story. So back to the notebook.

You would think...

2011-01-11T14:22:00.001-07:00

that I am crazy!

Well at least if you saw my schedule lately. I am certainly getting a lot of things accomplished and helping quite a few other people. Sadly, this is leaving my free quiet time much more scarce than usual. This is bad for getting these stories done and off to readers. This is also bad in that I am getting way more ideas for other stories that I shouldn't be worrying about yet!

Last night was the first meeting of our new writing group. I decided it would be a good idea to get together with other writers for support and a little accountability. The three of us that showed had a good time getting to know each other. We certainly had plenty to say and different types of questions to ask each other. What we didn't talk about was the idea of setting a deadline. Or scheduling time to get done what we want to do. I did state, when we were on the topic of cover art, that artistic types tend to not understand deadlines. I told my husband I had to really work on my art. Hmmm... (You see where I am going right?)

This makes me wonder how many other writers have issues with deadlines. Are there authors out there that can realistically set their own deadlines and schedules? Is this the much bigger role that having an agent and/or publisher provides? Because in all the research we have done looking up the pros and cons of self-publishing or working with a publishing house, this one point has not come up yet.

I could probably be over-thinking things a bit, again.

Well back to the poetry that seems to be flowing from my personal angst and disappointment!

Birthdays...

2011-01-06T12:26:00.000-07:00

Today is my youngest sister's birthday! I sent her a birthday wish on Facebook and will call later today. My mother's birthday is in a couple more days. On top of this my son's birthday is a week and a half away. Folks talk about the end of holiday craziness, in our house there is no end. In our house there are only lulls which are more like a rest in the eye of the storm.

It makes me think about celebrations, now having been through the big party season, and how differently each family does things. It also makes me feel a little sad for things that I can't change. Typically "can't" is a dirty word in my house. This time, however, it fits because there is literally nothing I can do to change something that has already happened and I wasn't around for anyway. I can and will do things to give someone a bit of the experience I think they missed out on... wait i'm getting ahead of myself.

I celebrate my birthday. I mean I try to. I like making a big deal about it, granted it would be nice if other people did this for me but again I digress. Birthdays are another reason to celebrate all the different things we have 'holidays' for throughout the year. They are a time to be thankful for getting through another year, sharing time with friends and family. They are a time to show the people around you that you love them and vice versa. They are also mini Mother/Father's Day for us as parents. Why would anyone not want to use the excuse of their birth to get together with friends, eat, drink and make merry?

The answer to that question is, unfortunately, those people who were never taught that the day they were born is a reason to celebrate. I know way too many people who have not had the pleasure of having their father dress up as a clown (hobo style) and entertain their friends. Way too many people have not had their parents take off on a "birth day date". Way too many people have not had the frustrating joy that is losing yet another game of musical chairs! Birthdays should be full of Singing, Dancing, Playing Games, Eating, Drinking and generally having Way Too Much fun. Plus you should get more gifts than at Christmas because it's all about you! Well that is a wish anyway. It really isn't about the gifts. So let's leave that one alone. All I am saying is that a dinner out and a gift from the 'rentals does not a celebration make.

Again everything comes back down to the way we were taught to think about things. I find it disheartening that quite a number of people feel that birthdays are a countdown to death. Really? You could get hit by a bus today or contract some awful disease that gives you 30 days to live. Then again, you could live way past the drying up and falling apart of your body. There is no actual countdown folks! (Dang soapbox got under me again.. whoops!)

It comes down to me deciding that part of my responsibility as a mother is to teach my child that birthdays are a time for real celebration. Also with that is the lesson that every day is a day to celebrate something. Nothing is guaranteed.

With all this in mind this year it is even more important to make sure that kiddo has a least a little of the over the top celebrating I got. On a much smaller budget. It can be done. Bills can wait, they are ALWAYS there. Right?

But dangit I need to finish the big story and sell some of these smaller ones! Because one of these years I WILL give him the party with the clown, pony rides and bouncy house... even if it's for his 30th. *G*

The magic feels.... a lot like hard work

2011-01-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

Honestly!

The magic that will happen as our performance in the late winter doesn't feel so magic filled or awe-inspiring at the moment. Right now what I mostly feel is sore muscles and extreme awkwardness. Of course, once we get things really moving and get those "wow" moments down, no one will believe it. It will come across as genius in simplicity. Exactly what we are aspiring to. It is just a little painful working to get there.

When new folks come out to learn to dance the most common thing I've heard is "I will never look as good as you." My first instinct is to be self depracating and respond that I don't think I look that good. What they mean is that they don't think that they can really learn the moves as they are feeling awkward and clumsy. What I mean is that I still feel awkward and clumsy until I get something new down. I just happen to have a few more moves in my bag right now.

This is giving me something else to think about. Writing. Specifically, my writing.

At the moment it doesn't feel altogether magical. Well at least the act of putting down my thoughts and ideas on a page don't. It feels awkward and cumbersome and I find myself re-arranging a lot of my verbage. The only magic so far is when I can't get a scene out of my mind and feel the need to find some paper. (Yes I do sometimes just take pen to paper.) This has been painful and frustrating. A good deal of work and research goes into what I write and that kind of kills that magical feeling.

While thinking about this I have read notes from my favorite authors and truly understand that new dancers' feeling of being completely and utterly lost. I start wondering about whether or not I can truly get to where I want to go. If it will ever be as easy as it seems with these authors. Will I get over myself and start just writing so uncontrollably that I will have more books to try to get published then I know what to do with? It would be really nice not to have total control of my characters and have them tell me what is going to happen next. At the moment it feels a lot like trying to get information from reluctant children. Slow going with a few AHA! moments.

My two focuses in 2011 will truly be the troupe and my writing. As each of these require creativity and hard work it seems fitting that I should take my lessons from my struggles with both.

(Funny, this is starting to take the form of a resolution, which is something I avoid making.)

Here's a compromise, we'll call this a realization. I am accepting the realization that the magic will come AFTER the hard work. I will have my "wow" moment as I get closer to the meat of the stories I write. The magical feeling will be knowing that I have something to shop and a show that will blow the audience away!

So here's to the magic of hard work. Bippity Boppety Do it already... heh

Who WRITES these kid shows?

2010-12-29T11:27:00.000-07:00

****CAUTION: If you are easily offended skip this post!*****

I haven't watched South Park in a while, Nor have I been watching Family Guy or American Dad. These are definitely the shows where some of the things I have noticed lately would fit in. So my question is: do the writers on Sesame Street, (this time around, there have been other preschool shows as well), realize what they are putting in front of kids. Or is this one of those, let's throw a joke in the for the parents as it will go over the youngsters heads ploys? If so they are playing a very tricky game.

The instance that got to me was on Sesame Street this week and was so over the top, went into such scary places, I was surprised it was allowed to air. I also can't seem to get it out of my head. Honestly I am not a prude. I would scare most of my friends if they knew half of what went on in my perverted mind. But then again maybe that is the problem. Either way I thought I'd share since this worm won't stop crawling around my warped mind.

My friend and I were talking as his preschooler was watching said show. I was distracted by the sight of a nekkid Bert. Okay, really he was without his typical shirt and they didn't show below his waist. Bert was singing and dancing behind his bathtub. There were bubbles flying everywhere and then a chorus of other male muppets came in to sing with him. This is where the bathtub grew. I could not help myself just as my mind thought it I blurted out "Bert's in a BathHouse!" My friend turned and looked. He hurriedly covered his eyes crying out "Don't do that to me!" He was trying desparately to remove the image from his brain and not laugh. It didn't work. It also got worse from there. He admitted there was always a question since it isn't clear whether or not Bert and Ernie are brothers or just "good roommates". Then we looked at the tv again. Total mistake as now there were animals singing and dancing with all the male muppets behind the ENORMOUS bathtub. Bubbles, colored lights, singing, dancing, laser show and lots of nekkid muppets! What were we supposed to think? (Maybe if we were listening to the song it may have helped.)

This is where the 8 and 6 year old come up from the back of the house as my friend and I are chuckling and trying to keep quiet. Plus these kids are totally oblivious to us. We are not cool or important you know. In any case, they came out looked at the tv and shouted "They're naked!" They promptly ran back to the room they were first playing in and didn't come out until they were called. The point of this part of the story? I wasn't the only one that noticed these felt creatures were only wearing air. I admit the homosexual aspect as well as the beastiality angle was probably just me. Until now.

The section then ends with Bert alone in his bathroom. It was all in his imagination. Well of course it was. And now we know just what goes on in HIS mind.

If you don't believe me go and look for yourself.
http://www.sesamestreet.org/video_player/-/pgpv/videoplayer/0/c31c4dc4-157d-11dd-9bc7-777dea8a73e7/i_gotta_be_clean

Here we Go!

2010-12-28T12:34:00.000-07:00

It is now the end of 2010 and of course this makes most of us look back at the year we've just spent hoping would end quickly. Being the end of one year it also makes me in particular look forward to what is coming up.

I don't know about you all but there never seems to be a definitive end to one year and a definitive beginning to the next. For the last dozen years things just seem to blend together. The actual date only marks when things are due or when they are well and truly done. Otherwise we keep plugging away at similar if not the very same things year after year, day after day.

This may seem monotonous to some, to me it is an indication of what I've accomplished over the last couple of years. For things to continue happening it means that I have continously worked on them. I am fairly good at cutting people or activities from my life when they get too cumbersome, boring or toxic. I say fairly good because I probably give both my activities and acquiantances more chances then they deserve to get back into my good graces. Regardless, the point is that I don't have continuity due to inaction but due to a concerted effort to continue those things that I enjoy.

To this end I am now starting to at least think about my calendar. Yes, I have not followed my own advice again. I haven't plotted on an actual calendar yet. I swear I will hit the dollar store soon!

Even though I haven't written it down on paper, I can already see the weekends up until Summer filled up. And my weeknights are going to start filling quickly as well. I have to keep repeating to myself that this is all good! I have created this busy schedule nightmare with the projects I have taken on. This craziness will get the troupe the recognition we want, me the money I need to pay the bills on time and a of course a chance to for me to publish at least one of my stories.

This is the idea anyway.

Now myself and the friends I purposely have surrounding me are on to planning the next year and it's going to be a hard, fast ride! Hopefully everyone's ready and has their safety belts on. There's no slowing down this rollercoaster!

Nemesis and Chaos strike again!

2010-12-20T15:36:00.000-07:00

I bet you all thought that Trickster Time was my nemesis. This, however, is not true. Life has had so many bumps, traps and holes for me that I believe that Nemesis and Chaos are a tag team that dog my every crossroad. I am just not sure how I should take this.

Most religious and spiritual paths believe that trials and tribulations are necessary to get us where we need to be. That these obstacles will help shape a person's spirit and personality.

Personally, I think that there may be some intent, but I also believe that Chaos just likes getting into mischief with his good buddy Nemesis.

Right now I've had a series of these 'character building' events happen. Up to and including my vehicle being out of commission. This is the most severe of all the obstacles as this is how I get to and from work as well as get errands done for the family. One of those errands is paying the bills. Another is picking up the gifts for this holiday. Not usually a procrastinator with gift buying, I did need to wait until after payday this time around. Oh! We need to add cashing that check to this list of errands. I sure am envying the snow birds and their golf carts right now.

Chaos of course not to be undone by Nemesis' sly work with the 4runner decided that the troupe performance this weekend needed more excitement. Two dancers fall ill, that was half the show, and the organizer didn't organize. With only two dancers to do a four dancer piece and then a third joining in after not even hearing the music until 2 hours before the performance we were already nervous. The addition of the set list not being with the master cd for the show AND the gal with the set list being 25 minutes late. Woo Hoo! Chaos was having a grand time. We did show Chaos that while he could mock and make it difficult he did not win completely. We went on and while we didn't knock it out of the park we performed well. And really if you think about it we had the coolest music. Christmas Carols done with drums and an Oud!

Out of this I have learned that I have at least one more friend that I can count on in times of crisis. It is also making the fire under me burn a little hotter for getting some query letters out soon. Which means I need to spend more time writing in order to have something to shop.

And this is when Time steps in for a little mischief of his own. Projects that should only take a few minutes take hours. Because, of course, Time is not working alone. Nemesis made sure that my printer ink cartridges were clogged so that Time could chuckle whilst I spent almost two hours hitting deep clean and nozzle check. After all this time was spent, Nemesis was in for a treat as the cartridges became unclogged the ink was showing close to empty. Therefore a quick print project, (the document was already previously written and saved), turned into a long waste of my time. The boys got their kicks alright.

Here I sit once again the butt of their jokes, a piece (I am never a pawn) in the game that they like to play. Where will we go next and what ultimately is the purpose?

In my opinion it is just Life's way of giving me true competition. Mortals are just too easy to overwhelm.

Creativity runs Amuck...

2010-12-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

But then again this is a regular and natural occurence in my current circle of friends.

I told an event organizer to be careful and give my group general guidelines for a show she is planning for the spring. Hard and Fast Parameters are needed to rein in the inevitable cascade of creative juices. She laughed and unfortunately told me that this show was no holds barred. Even more unfortunately, I let this slip to the gals Wednesday night. Whoops!

Now let me explain why the lack of parameters is worrisome.

In February of last year I saw a post calling for entertainers. Dancers, tarot readers, etc. The posting stated that the organizer was looking for entertainment for a Ball to be held as part of a big event. I contacted the organizer thinking this could be fun. I didn't realize what a roller coaster this would turn out to be.

My idea was that we would either have our musician friends play for us or pick out some recorded music and we would dance. A quick set, nothing spectacular. Well, it ended up being an extremely memorable and spectacular set.

It started with the costumes. What kind of costume would be appropriate for a pop culture event? Then came the storyline. Which I might add became more and more elaborate as time went on. Plus since there were two vastly different types of costuming suggested we had to incorporate both which is how the storyline came into play. Then of course there was the fun of getting the music that we wanted/needed to put it all together. So for two months a new idea came up almost daily, (a different way to showcase some prop or our costumes) and of course there was putting together the music. We almost bought a portable blacklight and a fog machine to really utilize some of these ideas. Seriously, it got crazy with the creativity. (I was going to post snippets of Facebook posts but thought better of it. I don't want to scare anyone away!) The show ended up as a fun and memorable 20 minute set.

Currently we are in the midst of putting a 30 minute show together for WWWCon in March. This has gotten even more creatively HUGE. There are new costumes, costume changes, sets and all manner of props. Patterns are being created for the costumes, right down to our footwear. Thank goodness we have the "soundtrack" done. Did I mention this is a production?

Our troupe does not just dance, there is also THEATRE Darling.

Don't misunderstand me. The troupe CAN and does just dance to live or recorded music. We have even recently done just that at a local Fall Festival. We have a simple set coming up this weekend as well. There are some venues and performances like these where doing anything beyond dancing is inappropriate and we get that. However, when we get a little leeway or a touch of encouragement to add a little more, it becomes very apparent that "little/small/slight" is not in our performance vocabulary.

What is the point?

I began this post because we've been asked if we want to put a comedic bit together. And I let slip that the promoter said this show was no holds barred, so long as it was family friendly. My mistake. Even in the middle of major planning and working on the big show in March, there was already the inevitable..

"I have an idea!"

Within the first 12 hours. After an evening practice. Meaning that at least 6 of those hours were spent sleeping.

It is a great idea that sounds like a hysterically good time and I can't wait to work on it. But trust me on this one folks. It will only get bigger from here.

Life's Lessons... are expensive!

2010-12-15T14:12:00.000-07:00

Trust me I know about expenses...

A conversation I had a couple of weeks ago with a friend keeps replaying in my brain. Now you all know that my mind tends to take things that are said and warp them a bit. For my own amusement of course. But this conversation just keeps nagging at me and I figure that it is because I've missed something.

I have had many jobs and career starts. Most of them, obviously, have not led me to where I thought I wanted to go. In fact in leading me down the confusing path, these jobs and career ambitions actually left me more in debt than when I started. The idea with working, especially working hard and tirelessly, is to make money and get rid of debt. At least that's what I was told. In fact I was promised that this was the truth. Maybe I should sue. Whoops! I am getting off track.

Where did this hard work and belief leave me? Much more in debt. BUT knowing a thing or two more about life and people. In learning I have succeeded. Only there just seems like there's so much more still to learn!

I was reminded that when folks say that they graduated from 'the school of hard knocks', this is what they mean: They have tried different things, got knocked around pretty hard and learned some things of value. To which I can now say I am going through this same educational process.

But wait! My mind screams out. I went to an accredited college and supposedly got some education. Granted I haven't graduated from there either. Money slowed down and life got complicated. I got knocked around pretty hard figuring out what mistakes I made in choosing a college AND being overly honest in my financial aid applications. And... Ohhhh...

Dangit! This means that the expensive college experience was ALSO part of this whole curriculum that I am still trying to get through! Here I was figuring that I was going to have a double degree at the end of all this. Blasted Life and it's ongoing lessons. I would like a syllabus please. It'd be nice to have a direction. Or wait...

Have each of these lessons been pointing me to the itemized syllabus that will move me on to the next section? Can it really be that easy? Well maybe not easy, as these lessons are hard won and dear. Maybe I should say 'simple'. Yes, simple works for me. In fact it's been my mantra for the last week and a half. Simple and direct.

Now I am off to review my lessons so far and see if I can come up with a Simple List of Directions. There has got to be at least one arrow in all this mess.

***Oh and I reiterate that Life's Lessons are expensive. If you don't believe me here's a simple exercise to see the proof. Add together the cost of a college education, living expenses, cost of dating (yes I picked some broke guys for some reason), start up and ongoing investments for 4 direct sales businesses, clothes, shoes, medical expenses, fuel, trailer landing gears, makeup, books, seminars, plane fare, pain relievers, compact discs, workshops, alcohol, printing, copying and office supplies. Just to hit the basics. ***

I had forgotten...

2010-12-13T14:20:00.000-07:00

I had an amazingly good weekend. I think I stated that before but I do need to reiterate because there was not just one incident or gift that made the weekend what it was. In having such a good weekend I was reminded of a few things and that made me think of other things that I had forgotten.

I had forgotten that I love to sing. I don't mean along with the radio or just while puttering around type singing. I mean having to hit the right notes, remember where to breathe and also make your lungs and diaphragm support all of this, type of singing. Granted what I got to sing this past Friday was Christmas music. These are songs that I tend to shy away from due to raising my son in a pagan atmosphere. These are also the very songs that I used to sing in every choir and chorus I was a part of while growing up. Surprisingly, I still knew the words to most of them by heart. Also as surprising was that when I opened my mouth to sing my voice remembered what to do. There were notes and syllables pouring out before I could think about it and it was fabulous! This cascade of musicality was rushing forth with no serious thought or effort. To be quite honest I would have loved to continue on and on but of course all good things must come to an end. This good thing restarted later but it was midnight and my family needed to go home. *sigh*

I had also forgotten that I really dig folks with musical talent. Of course, I am surrounded by very talented folks most of the time. We have a host of fantastic percussionists and string players. Most of the time I am not just enjoying their music. I am dancing and being a part of that music. This past Friday I didn't do that, I just stood and listened to a very talented young lady who was having fun tickling the ivories and bringing Mannheim Steamroller's musical stylings to the party. This brought back memories of watching other musicians in high school and college, enjoying not just the sound of the music but the energy that surrounded them as they played. There is definitely a connection between a musician or dancer and the audience. When that connection is completely open and transmitting the experience is almost beyond words. It is transcendent. Sometimes this transcendence is mistaken for something else, hence panties being thrown on stages. But we won't go into that here. *grin*

With the list of forgottens I do need to add another more important then the two above. In fact it was something that now remembered made it possible to enjoy and remember those joys.

I had forgotten what it was like to enjoy my friends' company and participate in a gathering WITHOUT the burden of constantly watching over and/or checking on my child. What a fantastic experience. Now that my child is >this< close to 9, he has proven that he can be left alone with other children AND be trusted not to be overly stupid. (Yes I know what you think but I stand by this word choice.) He's a good kid and really takes to heart what he is told or the instructions he is given. In fact, we have to re-program him sometimes because he takes the messages more literally than they are intended. Now, I will be totally honest and say that I did look for him to check how he was doing twice. In the 5 hours that we were at this party, this would be a record for me. PLUS no one came to me to tell me he was a.) hurt, b.) crying or c.) hurting someone else. This is also a record. I can trust my kid and he's growing up knowing he is earning that trust. It's amazing!

I am sure that there is a lot more that I have forgotten over the years. I mean the stuff I forget within moments due to fibro fog is astounding in and of itself. However, now I know that I have many instances where I will enjoy remembering the things I had forgotten.

Truly Blessed and Ready for World Domination

2010-12-11T14:27:00.000-07:00

(Warning: Some seriousness may ensue, proceed with caution)

Yesterday I mentioned that I had a couple of friends help me by keeping me from going Total Harpy on folks at an event. Today I am online AND will get to work a bit on my fiction due to a friend's help and generosity. (This laptop has a Huge screen!) I find myself repeating to myself and anyone that will listen that I am totally blessed.

Mind you, life is tough. There have been some serious ruts and bumps along the way. Don't get me started on how many times being helpful has ended up costing us. We are who we are though and changing would be worse than just taking our lumps and continuing to fight our way through.

All in all it's been worth it. Slowly but surely I have found true friends. People who have been there when Chaos strikes and Nemesis decides to have a little fun. My friends have become my fellow warriors when it's time to fight, my support group when it's time to lick my wounds and my partners in crime when it's time to let off steam and get into just a little trouble. (We haven't ended up in jail saying those four words yet.)

Even better lately, I have found myself surrounded by not only great friends but friends with similar passions and desires. We have formed a group of complementary talents. What an exciting time! So long as we continue to work well together and have fun helping each other there is nothing we won't be able to accomplish.

So I repeat that I am blessed. Good friends. Great partners. Forward momentum. Limitless Generosity. These are the things that the Brain was missing. This is why his genius plans were always foiled and why we, Oh Goddesses of Raven and Red hair, will prevail.