flyingalien

Stories Untold

2010-01-05T10:47:00.000-08:00

Never forsaken, yet feeling alone
Buried hearts afire, still cold as a stone
Severed wings spread wide, eyes turned to the sky
One day soon unnested, lifting to fly

Shaken in torment, bitter rivers we run
Releasing our pain, eyes blind to the sun
Tears once forgotten, revealing our soul
Pain passes once more, reaping steep tolls

Taken for granted, the love that we share
Ticking time passes, without glance or a care
Leaving us lost, fertile seeds still slumber
Awaken spring rainfall, chasing the thunder

Though Love she is blind, eternal she weeps
For once is she sown, forever she keeps
Our spirit of life, unending unfolds
To each of us a whisper, our stories untold

I finally broke down and got on FaceBook

2009-07-08T15:22:00.000-07:00

Well I finally stopped resisting and set up a FaceBook account. I am finding people from high school and past jobs that I never would have expected to hear from. It is odd how life goes on and we forget so many people we once were close to. I am excited to see them all and hear about their families and accomplishments. We can get so segregated in this society but now through the wonders of technology we can at least chat a bit with people we once were friends with. Just think, not so long ago this was not even possible. What a strange new world we live in.

New Blog is Up

2009-06-02T17:46:00.001-07:00

Here is the new blog. It is not what I am intending to do yet. It is basically just a rant, but maybe I will keep it as my rant space and start another one for serious factual discussion. Let me know what you think.

Shockingly Tragic Blog

New Blog Ideas

2009-05-27T15:13:00.001-07:00

I have been out of the loop for a long time. Between unemployment and new projects I haven't had much to say that you would be interested in. One of the new projects I have in mind is a new blog. I am looking for subject matter and am hoping someone reading this will let me know of any they may have. I am looking to start a blog concerning human rights, amnesty, and any world current events (and the history behind them).

The mission of this blog will not be to give people a political soapbox. I am not interested in politics per se. What I am interested in is creating a small community of bloggers that will write articles on events that are not given play in the mainstream media. We as human beings are woefully uninformed as a whole and many injustices in the world go unnoticed by the masses.

I have no delusions of grandeur here. I don't expect to change the world over night. What I do want to do is educate people and maybe change people's minds about certain issues. Issues could range anywhere from the Sudan, Chechnya, and other regions where genocide and mass murders are taking place to more local issues like growing poverty in a certain area. What I don't want is pure rhetoric on the issues.

I have never been strongly on any side of political issues. I have very strong opinions about many issues, but I don't ever mistake that my opinion is fact. I too an uninformed because most of the information I get is from the mainstream media. Rhetoric is everywhere. Facts are sparse and incomplete, and many times not actually fact. "Fact and Fiction work as a team" (Jack Johnson) I want to gather data from organizations (United Nations, Amnesty International, etc) along with personal stories from people directly affected. What happens with it will remain to be seen.

If this actually starts to get any traction, the end goal will be to start using the information politically. Primarily I want to start petitions to accompany articles and reports which will be sent to politicians and organizations that CAN facilitate change. There is so much division in the world over so many issues. I do not want to tackle issues that are already in the media, unless the issue is being misrepresented. I want to go after the issues that are being ignored. Many issues are out there that even our politicians are not informed over.

For instance, Chechnya and its history have been largely misunderstood and ignored by the west. Things there are not as bad as they were ten years ago (to my knowledge), but people by and large thought it was just a group of radicals causing the Russian government problems. The reality and the history were so far from the media's representation and our perception in the west. I don't advocate hatred or reprisal for any action, but I would advocate informing people and petitioning both sides for peace and humanitarian aid for the civilian populations. In this one example thousands and thousands of civilians were killed. In this one example, if there had been a loud public voice opposing the violence, at least some lives could have been saved.

As I stated I don't expect this to happen overnight, but I do want to do my part to try and help educate and change (even if ever so slightly) the backdrop of the arenas around the world where people are suffering or imprisoned needlessly. We have become a society of fear and helplessness, trusting the leaders of the world to deal with the unpleasantness that none of us want to be aware of, let alone deal with. We are one world now, like it or not. We must try to unite on the obvious injustices and leave the rhetoric to the politicians.

If any of you have any story ideas or potential sources of credible information, please let me know. Likewise, if you are interested in contributing please let me know. This will not be a commentary forum, but will be dedicated to reporting facts and testimony. I am sure some commentary will seep in, but I don't want it to be purely opinions.

Please let me know what you think. Thanks!!!

New Work

2009-03-25T10:28:00.000-07:00

I have been helping a friend build a web site for his church. In the process I decided to revive an old project. A while back I wanted to build a Bible database and web site using some full-text analytics and natural language processing. When I came up with this idea it seemed like it would take forever, but over the last week I made it a reality. It is very crude at this time, but we do have a version on the web now. The goal eventually is to make and organic online bible. The text itself doesn't change, but the data associated with it will grow and become more relavant as time goes on. Making it more and more intelligent will be a challenge, but I think we are off to a good start.

For the lamen, it may not seem like much, but it is a great test of some new NLP tools and a good start towards creating a community bible study system. We will be adding new features pretty rapidly so check it out if you are so inclined.

http://www.community-bible.com/

Dad's Airborne Memorabilia

2009-02-27T21:35:00.000-08:00

Some time ago, when I was jumping regularly, I was at my father's and he gave me some things I really cherish. My father and I are quite opposite in most ways and have never really connected on anything. I have always been a rebel and never lived my life to his approval (until the past few years). That being said, he has always been there for me and let me make my own decisions - and mistakes (more often than not). When I started skydiving he never told me not to, which I found strange, but after a while I found out why.

He was in the Army in the early 1950s. Unbeknownst to me and the rest of the family, he was not just in the Army, he was an elite paratrooper. My father never talks about that part of his life, but when I started skydiving I guess he thought about it and reminisced. My own mother didn't even know he was a paratrooper. Go figure.

As I was saying, I was at hos house one day and he handed me an envelope. I could not believe what was in it. Tucked in a box for fifty years, I now received his jump wings, his patch, and an assortment of cards that he was given when he was in jump school. I was floored as I have never really gotten anything of any sentimental value from my father (he is not the sentimental type usually). My nephew got the dog tags, I got the rest.

I wish I had been able to serve in the military. You see I was in bad health as a kid and was not accepted to the military due to the past ailments. I still regret this, as it may have straightened me out a bit and I would have had some amazing experiences. And as I said, my father and I never had anything in common, although we are very close. Although he never said so, I think he is proud of me for jumping. I think he wants me to stop now, not tempting fate too much for a bounce, but that is a different story. But at least we have this in common now.

I can't imagine what jumping was like for him in those very antiquated parachutes they used then. It was a hundred times more dangerous than what we do today for sure. I have always respected my father more than anyone, but now I have an even greater respect for his level of bravery. My father is very mild-mannered. I never thought of him as a tough guy, but apparently he was.

Well enough of the history. Here are the scans. I think most of these are from WWII and they inherited them during the Korean War, but I am not positive. They are definitely amusing!!!

Jump Wings and Airborne Patch

The Old Masterjumper

The Undertaker

Hazard

"You'll get busted for this when we hit the DZ"

Pinup Girl Bait

Shoestrings

Joe is scared of PLF (Dad's name is Joe coincidentally)

Bad Chute

Photo of Paratroopers

Massive Drop

Not sure what this has to do with anything but here it is anyway...

Makin Music

2009-01-25T13:38:00.000-08:00

We started trying to record this weekend, but not much got on "tape". I am going to put a few things down next week and try to post a few samples (just guitar). Shawn is having a hard time still and is not up to recording yet but he has come a long way in a short time. There are three songs I want to record first. Hopefully we can get them organized and add the missing pieces. I am not sure how lyrics are going to fit yet so I have just been improvising to them for now. I am anxious to get back to playing and recording more regularly but other duties call.

But just getting together and practicing has been fun. It gets so old playing by myself. Wish me luck in getting something worthwhile recorded soon!!!

Sigh

2009-01-21T17:06:00.000-08:00

Well things have been so dreary and so much bullshit to deal with. I am hoping to get the brunt of it behind me in the next month so I can start living again. I haven't been doing much but sleeping and working and playing on the computer since I have been feeling so rotten and have been on pain pills so much. I guess I will just bide my time.

Shawn and Dan have been working on a few songs I have written recently and I am hoping we can get them hashed out and get some vocals on em. Then we can start recording. It has been nice getting back into the music lately. The songs are coming along really well. They are quite different from what I used to play, but I think they are good. My heavy metal days are in the past. The new stuff is all acoustical, some with a Spanish sound, and others with a bluesy sound. The style is really coming together with the other peoples' input.

Hopefully in March I can start jumping again. By then my health should be back to normal and I should have some money to spare. The guys out at Skydive San Marcos think I retired and I will never get back up, but that just gives me another reason to go: to prove them wrong. I do it for myself, not to prove anything, but it still feels good to be able to say I am doing it.

The dogs are filthy but happy. They keep me laughing a lot so I am glad they are around. My house doesn't fare as well from them, but we are comfortable and have made it a home.

Hope all is well with you all.

I'm Back... Sort of...

2008-10-28T13:39:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has been so long. I have had a lot to say, but I just can't seem to post. I have been writing a lot lately, mostly about Mary. I think I am going through the acceptance phase of the loss, and in writing about her I am finding a lot of pain coming back. But I think it is time I faced some of what I have been denying for the past fourteen months. I think some part of me still expects to see her coming to the door.

She is gone to us now, but I am still here. The latter being so overwhelmed by the former. It is hard to see what good there is in my life when so much of me is focused on Mary, and the pieces of her still left behind. I don't talk about it much with anyone. No one really understands. It is the life we shared together, that no one else saw that I mourn. So I keep it to myself most of the time. I am moving on, but my thoughts still move to her quite often.

They say it takes three years to get through the death of a spouse, at least. Some people never get through it. I think I will, but it will always be with me.

As for the rest of my life...

My parachute is repacked and waiting. I am hoping to jump this weekend. I have been avoiding it too long. It started out as a weather issue, but now it has become laziness keeping me away. The four hours of driving it takes me to get there and back is not something I look forward to.

I work at home now, so my days bleed into each other. It is nice being able to stay at home, but time gets funny when you are stuck at home all the time. I am hoping my contract gets extended for another six months.

As I said, I have been writing a lot lately. I am thinking of writing a book for Mary. I have many reasons to write it, most of all to share the parts of her that no one knew. But also I hope that it will somehow give me some closure. I am still trying to decide how to write it. I have a few formats in mind and none seem to capture what I want to get across. Maybe the right way will come to me.

I will try to start posting some pieces of the writing. It is so personal that I am reluctant to. But if I decide to publish it, then everyone will know anyway. We'll see if I can go through with it.

New Job, New Life

2008-06-18T10:12:00.001-07:00

Well my time at my current company is over come Friday. I am excited to make a new start as my time here has been very stressful. Seeing as how I went through the worst time of my life while I was working here, I think it will be very therapeutic to move on. I will miss all my friends here but I will not miss the bullshit that goes on above us, nor the reminders of the time I spent here trying to make ends meet while Mary was dying. Life goes on and I think making a new start with work will help me move on emotionally as well.

I am taking a contract with my old boss for a while. The work will not be great, but it pays very well. I am going to save all I can over the next six months so I can take a vacation when it is done. I am hoping to go to Belgium and skydive with Peter, although the time of year may make it difficult to dive. Even so, I would like to go see a new part of the world and see my friend.

Life is so short and we get caught up in getting by so much that we cannot see it passing by. I am trying to start living as if there is no tomorrow (to a degree) and do the things I have always dreamed of. Assuming I pass the FAA exam, I am probably going to start taking my pilot lessons soon. Another dream fulfilled will definitely take me one step closer to happiness.

Work is work, but life should be lived well if you can, while you can. God willing, I will do better and live as full of a life as I can. When you lose someone close to you the realization of how precious life is and how quick it goes by hits you hard. I hope I don't get complacent again and take for granted what freedom and good I have. It is too easy to think of what we don't have, what is missing from our lives. But we cannot let that overshadow what we do have, and often take for granted.

Wish me luck!!!

La Musica!!!

2008-05-27T11:11:00.000-07:00

Here is a VERY rough draft of a new song. Flamenco style is NOT my forte and this is sloppy, but you might like it anyway. I will repost when I get a better version. I am pretty out of practice so I guess it will get better with time.

Hi all

2008-05-25T20:17:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the silence. I have been working a LOT lately so I haven't been posting. I also haven't been jumping either :(

But patience will pay off. I have been saving money so I will be able to get back in and jump as soon as I get some free time and some good weather. It has been rainy or windy many weekends lately.

So what to do, what to do? I have been contemplating getting my pilot license. It will be expensive, but as I have stated before: Life is short and you better live your dreams while you can.

I am not especially fond of airplanes unless I know I am going to get to jump out of it. I think facing my minor phobia of planes by flying one would be great. I would also be realizing one of my lifelong dreams of becoming a pilot. If I like it, who knows - maybe I'll keep training to do it for a living. I am so sick of what I do now.

But with everything there is an opportunity cost. I really want to go to Europe, but as it stands I won't get a two week vacation until next year anyway. Maybe flying and jumping will be enough to keep me sane until then.

Hopefully I'll get back to posting regularly. I hope you are all doing well.

I'm Back!!!

2008-05-07T18:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I have been pretty lazy lately. I have nothing exciting to report. I have been just hanging around the house and working. I haven't been jumping due to weather (mostly) and am pretty down because of it. I hope to get back up soon.

I am saving money right now too. I hope to get a real vacation soon and I want to be able to go somewhere. Hopefully to dollar will bounce back a bit (I won't hold my breath). I want to go to Belgium to visit Peter and his family, but with the dollar the way it is that will be a very expensive trip. Maybe it will have to wait until next year (sigh).

At the very least I need to take a week off to unwind before fall hits. Work is going to be very chaotic so it won't be easy. I guess I'll wait until the hot weather ends (and it hasn't even really started yet). That way I can go skydiving and not die in the plane from the heat.

I have been playing more lately. I got a bass guitar now and have been trying to get better at it so I can put some tracks down. Recording is so trying. I never seem to be happy with any take so it always takes forever to record a song.

I am not looking forward to the dead of summer. It is miserable here and it looks like this is going to be a very hot one. We are hitting records here lately and it isn't even June yet. I am not going to like it when it goes 100+. It just makes me want to hibernate.

Anyway... That is all for now. Not exciting I know, but it is better than silence. Take care all.

Out of Touch Again

2008-04-19T18:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been out of touch the past couple of weeks. I haven't been skydiving in two weeks, sadly. It has been windy and I have also had a lot to do so I have been taking a break. I have been trying to get things done around the house and get my affairs in order, though not exciting it is necessary.

I have been staying away from the TV lately and doing a lot of reading. It has been very good for me. A lot of things I have been ignoring for a while have piled up it seems. Politics and the state of the world, which I keep up on a little during the week seem to be getting more complicated. I have been trying to read more about the details instead of just the top articles.

I think we are at a very important time for our country. It seems America is out of control. We have been so for a long time, but in the past seven years it seems to have gotten worse, both economically and politically. I am lucky to have a good job right now, so I am not hurting (yet), but it pains me to see the problems we have.

I keep my specific political views to myself mostly, as I don't feel educated or informed enough to have a strong opinion that should be heard, but I am finding that I want to know more and try to help in some way. I like many Americans have been sitting on the sidelines hoping it will get better, and that attitude is common here, and a big problem. We need to speak up or we will never be heard.

On the lighter side, I have been meditating a lot lately and that also seems to be helping me. I tend to be very tense and irritable at times, and I noticed that since I started I am not nearly as much. It is disconcerting though at times because it is making me face things about myself that are hard to deal with. We all have parts of ourselves that we tend not to see clearly and when we realize the things we need to change it can be a little depressing at first.

Being self-aware is the first step. Letting go of guilt and apathy is second in my mind. Guilt is a destructive emotion and state of mind, preventing growth. We can only try to do better, a little each day. Believing in yourself is the most important thing, but you must first have a clear picture of what you want to change and who you want to be. We are not who we want to be all the time, whether we see it or not, and looking in the mirror (deep inside) can help us see ourselves. We never see ourselves as others do, and learning to do it to a degree can help us change our negative behaviors, thinking before we speak, choosing our actions instead of reacting.

I have been exercising a lot more lately too and that is helping quite a bit as well. I hope I can keep it up and do more and more. After Mary died I just sat there for so long. I am glad I am skydiving and finding positive things to fill my time. Between exercise, skydiving, meditating, and reading more, I feel that I am moving forward. What we fill our minds with and do with our time defines us to a large degree. And that is what I want to do: redefine myself. Not my heart and soul, but my life.

My hope is that I can continue to do well and grow a little more each day. I also hope to make new friends and find a new path soon. I am hoping to go back to school again soon, but I guess I need to take it one step at a time.

I'll keep you all posted. And Peter, if you read this, I am sorry I missed your call. All I have is a cell phone and it costs a ton on my plan to call Europe. I hope to talk to you soon. Peace all.

Eyes Wide Open

2008-04-07T19:02:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how life can blind us. How easily we forget the experiences that shaped our lives. We repress them, forcing them underneath our worries and desires. There is a veil before us, hiding the truth among us.

We are all so different yet so much the same. Our hearts and souls share so much more than we ever understand, but we trust our eyes and ears more than our hearts or our intuition. Life was not meant to be lived as we do most of the time, yet we go on, forgetting the simple truths we knew inherently as children.

I feel as though I have been in a deep slumber for years. I have concentrated on a career, relationships, and the material things in life. It is not that I am shallow, it is just that I found it easier to live this way. It is hard to be open, deep, and empathetic.

Most people are frightened or reluctant to open up when confronted with a deep person. We are all skeptics in our minds of what seems beautiful when it is not familiar. Letting go of our conditioning is the hardest thing for us to do. Opening up to new experiences and feelings can challenge our beliefs and make us question our own choices, even our existence. But why do we fear?

We should hope to open our eyes a little more each day, accepting what we know deep down over what our limited lives allow us to see. There is more to us that we see and we all know it at some level. When we sleep our minds show us glimpses of things greater at times. Dreams. Have we lost our dreams and traded them for a hollow pursuit of false security?

Nothing last forever in this world. Everything is fleeting. Money, jobs, possessions, even people. We all must face the temporal side of life, that we are mortal in this flesh. We try to ignore it. Some live for today. As the saying goes, eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may die. Some live for tomorrow, hoping for something more. But tomorrow never comes. It is always now.

To have our eyes wide open is nearly impossible to persist. To see things for what they are is both beautiful and painful. We must cherish the good and hold tight to those that we will eventually lose, therein lies the pain. The suffering of this world we tend to ignore, for it too is painful. But if we open our eyes, and believe we can change it, we will. We must try to do more than take care of ourselves. We must better ourselves. We must help each other.

This world is small. All people are our family. But we do not like to see it that way. We fight wars before feeding the hungry, kill before we heal. Our priorities as humans have lost their humanity. We let our leaders dictate what is important. We just accept it. Why is it only the leaders' responsibilities to change things? We must act, yet most of us don't.

But first we must see. We must choose to open our eyes. We must choose to believe we can change. We must overcome ourselves. We must rise above our minds and listen to our hearts.

Almost There!!!

2008-04-06T18:55:00.000-07:00

Well I did it. I packed my parachute on my own today and jumped it. It opened very smoothly too!!! I only have a few more things to check off and I get my license!!! I am up to 34 jumps now (or 33, depending on whether I count my tandem or not) and I am starting to learn even more. I did three more today.

The first was not great. I trusted the pilot's spot and ended up way off course. I was way down wind and didn't realize it until I was close to the ground. I landed in the mean farmer's land in the brush. It was a really long walk back, and getting my parachute up amidst the thorns was tricky. I also had to jump a barbed wire fence without getting it snagged. I learned a valuable lesson today too.

My second jump was pretty uneventful but it went well. For the third I got a coach to come with me (no video though :( ). I didn't do too well on our maneuvers and got kicked in the face once. I still have a lot of work to do to learn to control myself on all levels. It is definitely not easy. We did a dock after I caught up with him. We attempted a rear dock but I couldn't seem to get it. By that time we were already at track altitude so I broke off. On the bright side I had an awesome landing.

I packed my own chute for the last jump too. Since I was working with the coach I didn't think about it too much. It opened well so I am very pleased, especially considering that it was a very messy pack job.

I am glad to have been able to jump so much this weekend even if it was hit and miss. I hope I have a good week at work as it is getting very stressful politically speaking. Well that is all for now. Here are the stats:

Jump 32:
Exit Altitude: 13,800 ft
Full Opening: 3,560 ft
Free Fall Time: 63 sec
Free Fall Speed: 139 mph

Jump 33:
Exit Altitude: 13,800 ft
Full Opening: 3,670 ft
Free Fall Time: 62 sec
Free Fall Speed: 132 mph

Jump 34:
Exit Altitude: 13,900 ft
Full Opening: 3,460 ft
Free Fall Time: 64 sec
Free Fall Speed: 133 mph

Yay!!!

2008-04-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

After two weeks off, jumping today really, really felt good. I got three jumps in (almost four... but I'll save that story for later), and it was exactly what I needed. The day started off slow as I slept in quite late after staying up a little late last night. I didn't get to the DZ until about 1PM as I had a few things to do beforehand as well.

Some of the usual crowd was not around today, to my dismay. Voodew and JuJu, two of the instructors I really liked a lot, have decided to quit working there and it is not quite the same without them. The rest of the crew are all great so I still have a lot of people to goof around with so I will keep going there anyway. Besides, no DZ in the area has a big plane but them and I don't want to jump out of a Cessna since I can only go to 10,500 from them, which isn't bad but it also takes twice as long to get up. It is worth the extra drive to keep going to San Marcos - both for the plane and the people.

As a personal note about jumping, I make it a practice to pray on the plane before every jump. I pray for everyone on it. Today, I noticed Cody with his eyes closed all the way up (about ten minutes). On the next jump I asked him if he was praying or sleeping, and he said he was praying. I told him I was glad I wasn't the only one praying on the plane, and Olia, a new friend. We talked a lot today and I found him to be a much different person than I thought he was. I am sure we will be friends for a long time now as we both play guitar, and have a common faith. Not to mention we both like to be as crazy in the air as we can (while being safe!!!).

My jumps today were pretty much the same as the past ten, except I did try back-fly and sit-fly. I got the back-fly pretty stable, but the sit-fly always resulted in major instability and me flipping through the air like a wounded bird. It was really fun though as I got to try something new and pressed my limits a little. My landings were so-so, but as I always say: any landing I walk away from is a good one.

My fourth jump never happened. Eric threw me off the plane, and with good cause. I was rushing to make the load, my chute barely packed as it started loading. I finished gearing up as I ran to the plane, and I screwed up my chest strap, unknowingly. Eric saw it and yelled at me and threw me off the plane. I am glad he did it because I will never rush my gear check again (I hope). If I would have jumped with the strap the way it was, I would have fallen out of the harness and to the ground without a parachute. Needless to say I was embarrassed, but the guys were all supportive, telling me all the stories of their screw-ups and near death experiences in the air.

It is strange because I feel a lot closer to them all after that little ordeal. Eric took me out back after he got back down and had a long talk with me. He is a jerk on the outside, but he really cares. He was really cool to me and talked to me for quite a while over a couple of beers about being safe and telling me stories of how many friends he has lost over the years due to stupid stuff like what I did. It really sank in.

Josh made me feel better by telling me that he has been thrown off the plane many times for similar infractions. And as the evening went on I found that all the instructors had been through it at least once. It is nice to know that they all care and that our safety is first, and having fun is second.

I guess since it was my first real screw-up, and I bought the beer without being told, they pulled me a little closer into the group. I have gone through my training faster than almost anyone they have had in the past few years. Eric notes that in our conversation, saying that I am doing extremely well for a noob, but to not rush. There is at least 20 people out there that I see just about every time, and all of them have grown on me. It is nice to have a new group of friends.

People may think I am crazy for jumping out of planes, and I guess I am. But anyone that has done it knows why I do it. It is a spiritual experience every time. There are no words to describe the feelings and the sights. I have learned so much about flying the past few weeks, that looking back to my first jumps is kind of strange. Some of the wonder is gone, but now I am at total peace falling at 125MPH, more relaxed that I ever am on the ground. It is such a paradox, and so surreal that I cannot imagine not doing it now. I will do my best to be safe and only jump in good conditions as I want to be alive and well for many years, jumping more.

I still haven't got any new video, which really sucks. I am doing ten times better than my last video at least. I am fearless in free fall now and I am doing some cool stuff now. Under the canopy I still have a ways to go. I am doing well with control, but my approaches and landing still need work. I am not as timid about it now, and I can compensate for long or short landings a lot better now. If only I could flare right every time. I will break a leg soon if I don't stop flaring too early :)

I almost packed my own chute today. I did the start and the finish but I seem to screw up the middle every time. I think I may get it tomorrow. I guess I should be patient. I should have started trying a lot sooner as I would be done now and be licensed. As it stands that is about all I need to do. Maybe tomorrow will be the day. Jumping my own pack job will definitely be the scariest jump so far, and I am sure I will be shaking in the plane. But hey, I have another one just in case... I hope it is not my first cutaway, but if it is I am sure I will be fine.

Wish me luck again tomorrow. I will keep you posted. Good night!!!

Today's Stats:

Jump 29
Exit Altitude: 13,800 ft
Full Opening: 3,500 ft
Free Fall Time: 63 sec
Free Fall Speed: 134 mph

Jump 30
Exit Altitude: 13,800 ft
Full Opening: 3,500 ft
Free Fall Time: 63 sec
Free Fall Speed: 135 mph

Jump 31
Exit Altitude: 13,700 ft
Full Opening: 3,5700 ft
Free Fall Time: 61 sec
Free Fall Speed: 137 mph

Jump?

2008-04-04T18:18:00.000-07:00

Well it looks like the weather is going to be good tomorrow. I am going to jump as much as I can to shake off the funk. This week was so horrid that I think I will combust if I don't get to fly. The winds are supposed to be about 5mph all day and sunny. All in all it should be a great day. Hopefully I will have a blast and be in a better mood. Then maybe I'll get off my butt and get some stuff done around the house. I have been here about six weeks and I still need to finish unpacking!!! Oh well...

Wish me luck!!! Maybe I'll quit procrastinating and learn to pack my chute this weekend. I am dreading it, but I guess I need to get it done. It is so much easier to have the girls pack it and relax. I am going to also try to do some new maneuvers this weekend. I am going to try sit fly and back fly a bit. I am not sure if I can pull off the sit fly without some more coaching, but I will give it a shot. I'll try to get a coach to go up and take some video, but they are so busy it is hard to get them to fly with me. More tomorrow!!!

Out of Touch

2008-04-02T13:53:00.001-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted, but I haven't had any exciting news. The weather sucked this weekend so I didn't go jump, and alas I really needed it. Monday was my wedding anniversary, so it was indeed a sad day for me. I stayed out of touch and just kept to myself for a few days, dealing with it as best I can.

I am feeling much better now and the big stress at work is starting to come to a head, and apparently for the better in my case. Having just bought a new house, I don't want to have to change jobs any time soon. Also, I love the people I work with and for. It is nice to know that things will be changing for the better (we hope).

Life can be stressful and boring at times. Also, with all the tragedy in my life it can be hard to see beyond the past some times, but I always end up stronger and better for it all in the end. Life is not easy, but it is good. Losing sight of the big picture can make us dwell in our own selves more than in the whole of our lives and forget the good that is all around us. I don't do this too often any more, but there are those days.

I had a realization after my wife died. I had three choices: Live in misery and give up, die, or keep trying. I chose to keep trying and make my life better and I have come a long way in only seven months. I hope I can keep doing better. It will be interesting to see how far I can get in two or three years. I do miss her, but my life is still going, and so I must keep going with it. I am not one to go with the flow, but some days I just have to. My funk is receding, and my smile is back. I guess that is enough for now...

So Long Peter

2008-03-28T14:27:00.000-07:00

Well Peter's visit to the US is about to end. He is going back to Belgium tomorrow. Even though I have only known him for a short time he feels like a brother to me. His brother Karel, owner of Argus is coincidentally going to be in town in a couple of weeks and I will fortunately get to meet him as well. I look forward to learning whatever I can from him as he is one of the pioneers of skydiving technology as well as an accomplished skydiver and instructor.

We had a good time together these past couple of weeks and I wish we had more time. I especially wish I would have gotten my license before he left so we could have tried an RW dive together. But I guess that just give me more incentive to go to Belgium to visit. When I go, we will certainly jump together and hopefully have amazing falls and happy landings.

Being Peter's first time in America, I am sure it was quite an experience. He has really made me think about all the things I take for granted. We sometimes forget how much we are blessed in this country - well at least most of us.

In spite of the culture divide and such different upbringings, it is amazing how much we have in common. I was also amazed at how much his brother and mine are alike; both being the eldest child in the family, it seems they fit the archetype. He is so proud of his brother, just as I have always been proud of mine.

There is something to be said about having a big brother to look up to. But sadly I have been estranged from mine for quite some time, but I still am proud of him in many ways. I am glad Peter is close to Karel and that they try to stay that way. Family should always be important.

It is always such a great thing to have experiences and meet people that make my world larger, yet make the physical world seem smaller. People are people wherever you go, and I like to believe that we all share something beautiful in this life, even if the cruelties of life tend to ruin many in this world. We are all looking for the same things unless we get caught in a fever of spite: Peace, Comfort, and Love. We must appreciate the good when we have it.

I hope my new path in life takes me to more interesting places and I meet more and more interesting people. Skydiving has opened up a new perspective on life that I never would have dreamed of, and I am reveling in every moment I can. I hope I learn to not take things for granted, most of all people and life itself. It is so prescious and we all tend to waste much of it with worry and vain pursuits. I made a vow after Mary died to try harder and not waste the rest of my life. I hope I am moving further towards that goal each day, but at times I feel clouded and lost. Luckily today is not one of those days...

Have a safe trip Peter. I hope to see you in your home country as soon as I can. God Speed and Blue Skies. You have touched all our lives for the better.

Blah Day

2008-03-26T18:13:00.000-07:00

Damn was today a typical Wednesday. At least we are over the hump. Work is stressful and I am itching to jump. Hopefully Saturday's weather will hold good for it. Nothing exciting happened today, it was just another day of work and responsibility. But I feel OK.

I did have a ray of sunshine today. My niece Taylor and I started emailing back and forth. She is so sweet and wonderful and I miss her and her brother and sister so much some times. I am glad that we can at least be talking a little more now and get to know what is going on in her life. Just one kind word from those kids makes my heart melt.

I don't get to see her, Devon and Derrick nearly enough but I love them so much. She is almost all grown up now and it is great to see her doing so well. She is doing so much in her life that is good and I am so proud of her. My sister and brother-in-law have done such an amazing job raising them and I could not be happier with how wonderful they are.

It is hard being so busy and not living near enough to the family to see them more, but at least we all are doing well and get along. I am glad my mother is so close to the grand kids and gets to see them so often. I know it means a lot to them and to her. Even though I don't get to see them too often I think about them every day. It is so amazing to see them grow up and become so outgoing and loving.

I don't have much to say today, so I am off to eat dinner. Hopefully I will have something more meaningful or exciting to say tomorrow. Good night all!!!

Hope

2008-03-25T21:12:00.000-07:00

Hope is a strange concept at times. I sometimes let work stress bring me down or let the past haunt me, and at those times it is hard to see the future with hope. Luckily I know they are just bad moods and temporary, but it occurred to me today that I am lucky to be so self aware.

Many people cannot let go of those feelings and begin to dread the future because of things in the past. It is at these times when I try to find the strongest sense of faith and I look to hope to carry me through the bad mood or bad circumstances of the day.

Everything in life is temporary and nothing lasts forever, or so it is said. I know this is true to our lives, but it is not true to our subconscious. Every memory and experience is stored in there somewhere and we are constantly affected by them. The trauma can hold us back and the good times can keep us hopeful of more.

Being self-aware is a difficult state of mind at times and is hard to achieve for many. And hope can come through self-awareness if we know what sacrifices we must make to have what we truly desire in our hearts. Most people have hopes and dreams, but few are willing to change to make it happen. Pipe dreams can be very detrimental to some for as time goes by their hope diminishes.

I too was like that when I was younger, seeing nothing fulfilled that I wanted so badly. I realize now that I did the opposite of what I should have, making my fears become self-fulfilling prophecies. Now that I am older, I see the folly of my youth and understand that my hope will only be sustained by my faith and my perseverance in working towards my dreams that my hope alludes to. My joy comes by being happy with now and furthers my journey towards those dreams, fortifying the hope even more.

Hope is not just daydreams and the prayers for miracles, it is the substance of our hearts' true desires and faith is the substance of our belief that our hopes are possible and that we deserve them to be happy. Love makes them both possible. Without Love I don't believe we would be capable of real Hope or Faith, but without faith and hope, Love may starve and be buried by life.

I know this is heavy stuff, but in my journey to find my new path, these are the things I think about, along with the people in my life that I pray for always. I am truly light-hearted a lot of the time, but at night I ponder the deeper meanings of the lessons of the day. Today I learned a valuable lesson on Hope. And my new hope is that you will be touched by it as well.

A Happy Day for Friends

2008-03-25T07:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a happy day for friends. My friend Christian's wife (Leigh Ann) delivered two beautiful baby girls yesterday afternoon: Claire and Rachel. We are all very happy for them. Although they were premature, they are healthy and I am sure momma is relieved. Good luck with your sleepless nights!!! I know they will make great parents and I look forward to seeing the girls grow up and make Christian's hair fall out.

I spent the evening hanging out with Peter. We had steaks and beer watching the sunset over the hills, talking about life and skydiving. Later we went to Shawn's house for a while and then made it back out to my house. It is nice to have a new friend although it will be sad to see him go back home. I hope one day to be able to live in Europe, at least for a while.

I can't wait to meet his daughter and family in Belgium (if I ever get a long enough vacation!!!). I am going to try and plan a two week trip and hopefully get to dive somewhere in Europe with him. Peter's brother Karel actually invented the AAD (automatic deployment device) that is in my rig. What a small world!!!

I am amazed at the people I am meeting and the blessings I am seeing in the people around me. After what I have been through, I could feel sorry for myself and not be happy for others, but that is not my nature. I have joy vicariously with all the people in my life. I hope things will keep improving for me, but for now I will just try to help those around me and try to spread the joy.

Scary Opening - Partial Malfunction

2008-03-23T16:19:00.000-07:00

I was on such a high yesterday from the jumps I forgot to mention that I had a pretty scary opening on my last jump - which incidentally was the best jump as well. It is hard to describe the malfunction I got because it was a combination of a few different malfunctions. I got a little scared, but I didn't panic.

Photo of End Cell Closure:

With the new parachute I have been getting closed end cells on every jump, mostly because I am not loading the chute enough (too big for my weight). That alone doesn't bother me since all you need to do is pump the lines a bit. What happened yesterday was a lot more disturbing, and to be honest I am surprised I resolved it and was only about three seconds from cutting it away before it started to fully inflate.

The first thing I had was a line twist. it was only two twists (nothing nearly as bad as the photo to the side), which I have dealt with before. After resolving that I looked up and saw something I had not seen before. My slider was stuck up fairly high, but not all the way up. Above that I noticed that the lines on the right side looked tangled between the slider and the canopy.

These tangles are called tension line knots and it was something I was not trained to deal with (at least not that I remembered). I dealt with the slider and the knots the same way I would the end cell closure, although it took a lot longer. I did not know if it would work but I was at 3,500 feet and I knew I had some time to try. I am not looking forward to cutting away my main and relying on the reserve canopy and I do everything I can to prevent it if possible.

I was in a spin when this was happening, although not a very fast one. The horizon was going round and round while I looked up in despair (lol). I unstowed the brakes and started pumping them, lightly at first. When nothing happened I started to get a little nervous and thought I was going to have to cut away. In a last ditch effort to save the canopy I started pumping them harder and farther and gradually the knots started coming undone. I saw a ray of hope and kept pumping the lines and about five seconds later it inflated. What a relief!!!

Thanks a lot Saraya!!! I guess I shouldn't rush her when she is packing my chute. :) All in all she does a great job considering she is packing about 50 a day on a nice day. There wasn't a single cut away this weekend so I trust her. When I talked to her about it she said she loves it when she gets a partial malfunction since it adds some excitement, and I tend to agree. She didn't seem too concerned and just smiled at me with a big grin. I tipped her anyway :). I guess we are all a bit crazy. I have to say I will always be extremely nice to her and Kylie since my life is in their hands to a degree. I am not looking forward to packing myself, but I have to learn quickly. That first jump on my own pack will be scary as hell!!!

I can't find a photo that comes close to what I saw, so it is hard to get the point across. I know this sounds scary to someone who doesn't skydive, but it really wasn't that bad. Strange to say, it was actually exciting. It is nice to know I won't panic in a bad situation, of which I had two yesterday that I handled very well.

People who cut away under minor malfunctions are more likely to get hurt for sure. Just because you have a reserve doesn't mean it will be OK. A good diver will do everything possible to recover from a partial malfunction, cutting away only if they cannot resolve it by about an altitude of 2,500 feet (lower for experienced divers). In spite of the bad opening, I did some really aggressive turns in it afterwords (but only after doing a long controlability check). I landed withing two feet of the target on that jump as well. Go figure!!! Talk about turning a potential panic disaster into a great jump!!!

I am amazed that I deal with it so well as I am not the bravest person. I guess I just trust myself and know that God will take care of me if I do my best. I should have broken my leg twice by now with the few horrible landings I had, and I almost cut away twice, but recovered. I am not looking forward to my first total malfunction and cut away, and I hope it doesn't happen for a long, long time.

It is nice to know that the equipment we use really is leaps and bounds better than what skydivers were using just 20 years ago, let alone what the pioneers of the sport used. My father was US Army Airborne in the 1950s, doing static lines in unsteerable round silk parachutes that dropped you like a bag of bricks. Now that is bravery. They call that dope on a rope nowadays. Skydiving has given me a new respect for what my father did over 50 years ago. I will post some scans of the things he gave me from his training when I get a chance. It is cool stuff.

Well that is it for today. More to come as the adventure continues...

Photos from DropZone.com. See this link for a full explanation on malfunctions:
http://www.dropzone.com/safety/emergencies/emergency_canopy_malfunctions.shtml

My Life, It's Up In the Air

2008-03-22T21:35:00.000-07:00

Well today was even better than yesterday. There was almost no wind all day and the skies were 90% clear and it was 70 degrees. I got four jumps in today, with the last being at sunset. Overall it was a truly uplifting day. Considering my hard week I am happy that I had a great two days of fun. I needed it terribly.

I got to the DZ about noon and got a warmer welcome that ever before, including a lot grief from Perry (my first instructor) all day, which is a compliment from him. Saraya was happy to see me as well since I am probably paying her rent by paying her to pack my chute so much now. She is a sweet girl and is really warming up to me in spite of my attempts to piss her off bringing her a complete mess of lines after every jump. In all seriousness, I am feeling much more a part of the crowd and it is a huge help for me right now since I have been feeling very isolated since Mary died. I haven't been part of a group in so long that wasn't work. Such amazing and wonderful people laughing and having fun all around really makes the long days at the DZ go by quickly.

My first jump was fun but I landed long and had to turn crosswind to avoid the trees, making me land pretty hard. The other three landings were superb, with soft touchdowns and a running finish. My last jump was the best jump I have ever had. We jumped right as the sun was almost completely set. It was one the most beautiful sights I have ever seen, and from such a surreal vantage point. I also got my last accuracy landing on the last jump, landing about two feet from the peas (the pebble circle that is our target). Jumping with all the old timers at the end of the day is so much fun, as usually the instructors are with students - but on the last load they are jumping for fun. Flying with them next to you in the sky under canopy is truly a wondrous sight.

I used to dream of being in the sky, flying. I remember watching the balloons with their bright colors flying near the house. Now I am a dash of color in the sky along with all the others. So many splashes of color all flying in the same space is a cool sight. It is sad that it took the death of my wife to get me to start living my dreams. I should have done more when she was here. But I never want to have that regret again - the regret of not living a full life, and being positive, not accepting can't as an answer to the good things I should do. But I try not to be too hard on myself.

I seriously wonder how I have held up as well considering what I have been through. Jumping has not only introduced me to something amazing but also helped pull me out of my hole of grief and general loathing of life. I truly am happy to be alive now and although I miss her, I am not going to let it destroy me. I am trying to live the best I can to make each day get better.

Losing Mary made me wonder how I would go on, and if I even could. There were times when I didn't want to go on, and times when I thought I was going to completely lose it. I am lucky that God has kept me strong enough to make it this far and that I now have more will than ever to do better. If I had not started jumping I may have just stayed in a hole until I died. Maybe that is overstating a bit, but maybe not.

I could have easily just became apathetic about my own life, dwelling in guilt, depression, and anger, letting years pass by without allowing any goodness into my life. I would have been alive yet dead, wasting what precious life I have left. After every jump (and during) my desire to live, love, and persevere towards a better life is so strong that it is almost too much to bear.

So what it comes down to now is: jump or die. Maybe the death is just figurative or spiritual, but it is very real to me. I am so amazed at what it is doing for me. I know not everyone has the desire, the health, or the means to do it, but for me it is paramount right now. A bit self indulgent yes, but if it makes me a better person and brings me closer to others it is worth it.

As a side note, Peter was there again today (the man from Belgium that I mentioned before). I must say that the more I get to know him, the more he feels like and old friend. I am going to try and plan a trip to the Netherlands and Belgium as soon as I can so I can visit him and maybe jump in Europe. Peter is one of the most open minded and big hearted people I have ever met. I hope he realizes that everyone at the DZ all think he is amazing and we wish he could stay. Alas he will be going back home next week. God speed Peter.

Well tomorrow is chore day so I have to come back down to earth for a while. I am so happy to have had a couple of days off to lighten the load on my mind. I wish you all a Happy Easter.

He is risen, He is risen indeed...

Here are the stats for the day:

(keep in mind the speed is the max speed and not the average, which is consistently lower)

Jump 25:
Exit Altitude: 13,600 ft
Full Opening: 3,640 ft
Free Fall Time: 63 sec
Free Fall Speed: 146 mph

Jump 26:
Exit Altitude: 13,799 ft
Full Opening: 3,600 ft
Free Fall Time: 62 sec
Free Fall Speed: 125 mph

Jump 27:
Exit Altitude: 10,400 ft
Full Opening: 3,410 ft
Free Fall Time: 46 sec
Free Fall Speed: 125 mph

Jump 28:
Exit Altitude: 14,000 ft
Full Opening: 3,560 ft
Free Fall Time: 64 sec
Free Fall Speed: 130 mph