FoolishTimes

The Head Fool Speaks

Mike M. — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 02:51:30 +0000

Let’s get to it. I’ve been waved at, said hello to, given the finger, and shaken hands so many times this week by people I don’t know or can’t remember knowing. I mustered what little of my mental power left to try and figure out this conundrum. The answer eluded me until my sister called [...]

Editor’s Note

Mike Thomas — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 02:49:54 +0000

This month we feature Catherine Badin’s “You Know You’re In…,” Brent Basham’s “Open Up and Say Ahhh,” and John Sammon’s “You Are in Effect Your Own Spouse Looking Back at You.” (Come again?) Rex goes back to school; Kiri, Kiri, the Limerick Deary still thinks the Giants have a chance; and we are no closer [...]

Ye Olde Limerick Corner

Guest Columnist — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 02:45:36 +0000

The Giants have got a real shot at more than a Wild Card slot In the NL West race it’s the Padres we chase and by the month’s end they’ll be caught. This prediction I make with steel hope ‘Cuz we’re in for a slippery slope If the Giants prevail and the Padres should fail [...]

You Are in Effect Your Own Spouse Looking Back at You

John Sammon — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 02:43:16 +0000

After detailed study and hypothesis and soul-searching, I have come to the conclusion that an entirely new concept in the field of science, Human Transferal Refraction, is a reality. In other words, your spouse is really you, looking back at what you believe to be yourself. Human Refraction Theory combines concepts such as Yin and [...]

Adventures with Rex

Tom Burns — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 02:41:46 +0000

Back to School Rex was driving me crazy. Again. He was doing things to deliberately drive me nuts, and he almost had me ready to check into the loony bin. He would lay his head on my chest at night, and breathe doggy breath right into my face. When I tried to admonish him for [...]

FOOL-O-SCOPE

Guest Columnist — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 02:38:11 +0000

Aries: Try not to ram into anything or anybody—especially not a Dodgers fan. (However, if you cause her to spill her beer, it could be good karma for the Giants.) Taurus: Good job maintaining control of your temper last month, foolish Taurus. This month, step it up a notch: Do something not unkind for someone [...]

You Know You’re In . . .

Catherine Badin — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 02:35:51 +0000

The Pacific Northwest vs. the rest of the country. California vs. the rest of the country. Two very distinct areas of the west coast, both possessing equally rebellious tendencies as they forge “new frontiers.” Yet they are so incredibly dissimilar in their opinions that they house extreme differences in their collective group consciousness. So, I’ve [...]

The Redneck Review

Brent Basham — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 02:28:02 +0000

I finally faced one of my biggest fears a couple days ago. No, I’m not talking about bungee jumping or skydiving. Nor do I mean to suggest that I overcame my fear of public speaking. Incidentally, that’s the single biggest fear among adults with death coming in a close second. This means, of course, that [...]

The Head Fool Speaks

Mike M. — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 07:29:22 +0000

So here we are, celebrating our seventh birthday. My campaign manager took off with my bribe money, so it doesn’t look like I can buy enough votes to get elected. The new restaurant page is getting some action; let me know what you think about it. Better yet, let the restaurants know. I’m done.

Editor’s Note

Mike Thomas — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 07:22:31 +0000

Happy Birthday to Foolish Times! As you know, we celebrate our birthday three or four times a year, and August is one of the months we celebrate. The cover is proof that even dogs celebrate our birthday. people tell us they “train” their dogs using our paper. If that isn’t a compliment, I don’t know [...]

Football: The “Grate” American Pastime

Guest Columnist — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 07:10:57 +0000

So I turn on the television the other night, hoping to catch an A’s or Giants game, and what do I see instead? Football. I checked my calendar. Yep. It’s only August. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. When I went to the drugstore to buy my hearing aid batteries, I noticed they had their [...]

Willie, What Have They Done to You?

Rosie Sorenson — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 07:07:03 +0000

I had just logged onto AOL this morning to check my email when I saw it! There, in the headlines of their eye-catching, rotating parade of news bits: “Willie Nelson Cut His Hair.” A bob cut, no less. To make matters worse, the bob is red. Oh, say it ain’t so, Willie! I met Willie [...]

Not an Island

John Sammon — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 07:05:24 +0000

We’ve all heard the phrase, “No man is an island.” Well, baby, I’m an island. I’m the closest thing to it. I’m a rock. And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries. Shielded in my armor. I’ve got my poetry to protect me. I touch no one and no one touches me! [...]

Word Play

Tom Burns — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 07:02:08 +0000

I saw what appeared to be a small, tapered canine appendage sticking out from behind the couch. “Little Rexie, little Rexie, little Rexie, oh where could he be?” The appendage, that being the tail of a small black dachshund, began to whip back and forth: evidently he was hiding from me and had been discovered. [...]

The Expiration Date

Robyn Justo — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 06:56:24 +0000

Economics 101, Or When Currency Isn’t Current Anymore Once upon a time, many, many years ago, necessary goods and services were exchanged, necessary being the operative word. If someone was hungry, he offered a service or something to the person who was providing food. If someone needed shoes, they offered the shoemaker something that he [...]

Ticks and Tats

Mary Tompsett — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 06:53:10 +0000

I see a therapist for angoraphobia. That’s right, with an “n.” Defined as the irrational fear of fluffy, rabbit hair sweaters. It can be triggered by allergies, a renewal notice from PETA, or by hot weather. I mean, for crumsakes, who the hell wears angora in August?!? Further, angoraphobia can cause injury, death, or a [...]

Is Everyone a Geek, or Is It Just Me?

Jason Offutt — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 06:51:14 +0000

I’m a geek. I freely admit it, mainly because I can’t freely deny it. Everyone has an inner geek; the problem with me is it’s also my outer geek. And I’m not talking about the geeks no one makes fun of, like Thomas Edison or Albert Einstein. They were total geeks. But these guys transcended [...]

Doggy Birthday

Brent Basham — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 06:49:01 +0000

I overheard my wife having a strange conversation on the phone the other day. She was talking with her longtime friend Amy about how she thought purchasing the specially designed doggie couch might be a bit extreme. “But it’s so cute, Shannon,” Amy said, trying to sway my wife into agreeing it would be a [...]

How I Learned to Live with Side Effects

Guest Columnist — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 07:30:15 +0000

My wrists and hands had seized up, I couldn’t type, and I had to meet an article deadline. Time to see my caring MD. Doc Jones whacked my wrists with a reflex hammer. The sensation approximated that of Godzilla bashing them with the trunk of a Giant Sequoia, and my scream rattled the doctor’s coffee [...]

Confessions of a Speed-o-holic

Ted Gargiulo — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 07:29:38 +0000

I consider myself a safe driver. I’m sober. I’m courteous. I stay within the lines. I yield to pedestrians. I “watch out for the other guy.” I don’t run red lights or stop signs, not intentionally anyway. I’m not what you’d call an angry driver. Unlike some hotheads out there, I keep my horn silent [...]