FoolishTimes

2012 Foolish Writing Contest

*** — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:11:02 +0000

Answer this question, “It was so funny ….” in 200 words or less and send it in to be eligible for the $100 first prize, $50 second prize and $25 third prize. Contest begins on January 1, 2012. Final deadline for entries is March 15, 2012. Winners will be published in the April 2012 issue [...]

Head Fool

Mike M. — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:04:54 +0000

Those that have read FT for awhile know that I like to make my New Year’s Resolutions around Thanksgiving. This way, when I break them (usually takes about 2 weeks) I can sit back and enjoy watching others white nuckling theirs. I haven’t met anyone yet who has lasted longer than three months. If you [...]

Editor’s Note

Susan Hart — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:04:18 +0000

This month we’re all living with the New Year’s Resolutions made at a weak moment of excitement, most likely induced by Champagne … sigh. You know, we could make resolutions throughout the year. Not sure why we don’t – seems kind of foolish not to! Well, that’s appropriate – us being foolish. So, our resolution [...]

What We Do For Love

Tom Burns — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:00:45 +0000

By Tom Burns – “Rex, that girl I met last week is coming over in a few minutes with a DVD she wants me to see. Be on your best behavior. Her name is Darlene, but she uses her ‘astro-name’ Luthinia X. Her friends call her Lu for short. She a hottie, so don’t blow [...]

Conversations with God and the Golden Pax

Robyn Justo — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:58:27 +0000

By Robyn Justo – You all should know by now that I have this little voice that speaks to me now and then (ok, a lot) and looking back, if I had listened to it, life would have been a whole lot easier. We all have this voice, but between our talking and the endless [...]

Tumeric and Other Firearms

Mary Tompsett — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:53:21 +0000

By Mary Tompsett – Some folks say we’re in for a nasty winter if the squirrels have grown extra tufts of fur on their ears and legs. Around here, however, the most dependable mammalian forecasters aren’t hirsute rodents. No, they’re post-menopausal women. And I’m proud to say, for the past few months the growth of [...]

Stuffed Relatives for the Holidays

Michael Larson — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:49:11 +0000

By Mike Larson – One warm afternoon a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting outside of my favorite coffee house talking with a friend of mine, when a woman drove up, parked and went into the coffee shop. In the front passenger seat, seat belted in, she had what appeared to be a large [...]

Easy … or Hooked on Credit

Ted Gargiulo — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:47:29 +0000

By Ted Gargiulo – It started with an electronic sewing machine. I was earning $4.50 an hour at the time, back in 1983. My wife’s old appliance had outlived its usefulness. We couldn’t afford a new one. So we charged it. Our rationale was that the machine would pay for itself by saving us from [...]

QUIRKY QUOTATIONS

Quarlen Qurossman — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:44:53 +0000

The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality 1. “I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.” A. George Washington B. Billy Graham C. Johnny Carson 2. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s one of the risks you take.” A. [...]

Best of the Inbox

*** — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:43:17 +0000

Don’t mess with old farts! A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior [...]

Fool-O-Scope

Kiri Kinsey DeSchtarz — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:41:52 +0000

ARIES (Mar. 22-Apr. 19): You don’t have to be as good this year as I requested you be last year. Just do your best not to pawn off any moldy pickles on innocent and hungry elderly people, or drive through a fast food joint at 100 mph without paying for the burger you forgot to [...]

Blondes Are The Best

*** — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:40:28 +0000

The Blonde and the Handgun A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to [...]

Foolish Shorts

*** — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:38:44 +0000

Proper Wages The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him. Government agent: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.” Rancher: “Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with [...]

Foolish Thoughts

*** — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:36:10 +0000

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses? If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is [...]

Foolish Laughs

*** — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:33:39 +0000

Potatoes Well, a girl potato and boy potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called ‘Yam.’ Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and [...]

Editor’s Note

Susan Hart — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 21:32:34 +0000

It’s the holiday season. The smell of cloves and cinnamon and allspice and nutmeg are all around helping to make the days festive. We need that coming on the heels of Black Friday, Local Business Saturday and Cyber Monday. Shopping is the word of the month. So check out what our advertisers have to offer [...]

Head Fool

Mike M. — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 21:31:46 +0000

Friday, Frank of Green’s Camera World called and said, “Come buy me a cup of coffee.” I went (really didn’t have a choice, he’s our biggest advertiser). I checked out his new location, had coffee. It was pretty uneventful. Saturday, we repeated the process except it was Frank’s turn to buy. I’m kinda a coffee [...]

I Have a Bone to Pick …

Rosie Sorenson — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 21:30:11 +0000

By Rosie Sorenson – Who among us has not seen Sally Fields hawking on television the virtues of Boniva, the bone-enhancing drug? Still perky after all these years, when Sally flashes her “You-like-me-you-really-like-me smile,” you want to believe her. But, hold on a minute. What’s this? I was reading Parade Magazine (October 6, 2011) when [...]

Bushed

Tom Burns — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 21:27:08 +0000

by Tom Burns – My plans for that sunny fall Saturday were to plant some new azalea bushes along the back fence and then get up on the roof and patch the fireplace flashing at the roofline with some black goopy stuff. But first, the azaleas. I remember my last attempt at planting azaleas in [...]

Gliding in a What??

Mary Tompsett — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 21:24:58 +0000

by Mary Tompsett – Said the shepherd boy to the little lamb…do I smell like you smell?? Lo! I bring good tidings to all shepherds and unclean accountants! At last, we can quit chowing down on TUMS now that county fairs are no longer in the news. GOP candidates did their part at many fairs [...]