Look! I got a new helmet this week! It’s very “head squeezy” which pretty much means that it fits nicely and my old one was probably slightly too big the whole time haha Or at least the padding was pretty broken down after 2 years. I looove the color of the new one, and the sweat liner padding it has in it is pretty nice too.

I had a pretty great weekend! Friday night I spent relaxing on the couch, playing with barcode scanners on my phone, cuddling with the kitties and catching up on the DVR. I also made some last minute plans to head for Indianapolis to see the Naptown Rollergirls take on the Minnesota Rollergirls on Saturday. That was a great day, making the trip with a couple of my teammates, and watching an incredibly close bout. There were NINE lead changes! Crazy!

Today was practice… I always love Sunday morning practices, and this one was plenty intense. Lots of crazy stuff that pushed me out of my comfort zone, which resulted in lots of hitting the floor. Much more than “normal,” so I’m sure I will feel that tomorrow! We followed that up with lunch with a large group, and then I got my arm twisted to go see The Avengers with them. I’m glad I did! The superhero/action movie genre is usually not my thing, but I REALLY enjoyed the movie. Now I’m typing this up while I watch the Amazing Race finale, and then it’s off to bed as soon as it’s over so that I can get some sleep before starting another work week.

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend as well!

Photo by James Korn

When last we talked about that roller derby thing, I was expressing some dissatisfaction about how my journey was going. I received a lot of great support after sharing that particular blog post. There are only two comments on it, but I also received several in private. The most common theme was, “this is completely normal” and “you’re not alone.” Since “roller derby disillusionment” is one of the top search terms that now sends people to this blog, I’d say “you are not alone” is definitely an accurate assessment of the situation.

The thing is, roller derby tends to be something that you pour your whole self into. When you first start playing, it’s this new shiny thing that you hold up on a pedestal. Everything about it is so exciting and amazing… you’re learning so much about your abilities and discovering that you are capable of so much more than you ever dreamed! And then, things start to crack around the edges. Maybe it’s the first time that a brand new skater comes in that was practically born on skates and whizzes past you while performing a skill that you’ve worked on for months, but still don’t quite have down. Maybe it’s the first time someone gets the spot on the roster you thought you should have had. Maybe it’s the first time you get wind of some interpersonal drama that you were previously oblivious to. Whatever it is, the crack appears, and it spreads into your line of vision. Eventually, it becomes all you can see if you let it. You start to wonder why you bother, and if the trouble is worth everything that you put into it.

For me, I was frustrated, but I knew I wasn’t ready to give it up. I haven’t gotten everything I want out of roller derby yet. As in life, you can only change that which is in your control. But really, just deciding that I wasn’t going anywhere made the biggest difference. It meant returning to working hard instead of just kind of going through the motions because I didn’t know why I should bother anymore. I contacted the coach that I’d spent the most time working with and asked for feedback on how I was playing and what I could work on. He spent a day or so thinking about it, and sent me back a response. Nothing on it surprised me, and adding it to a few things I had on my own, I had a list of things to focus on. I wrote it on a post-it note, and left it by my computer where I would see it often.

After that, I set up a meeting with the team coach and captain that were setting the rosters to find out why they were choosing not to roster me. I can’t say that it was my most favorite meeting ever, and I can’t say that I agreed with all of their reasoning or everything they had to say. But at the same time, I couldn’t necessarily disagree with it either. As they say, perception is reality, so whether I agreed or not, at least I had something fairly concrete to work on. I’ve put my head down and kept working, and gradually things have improved. They certainly aren’t perfect… one of my closest friends on the league is in the same spot now that I was in when I accused roller derby of being a bad boyfriend in January, and that breaks my heart just as much as when I was there.

After all these conversations, and shift in my focus, I did finally make a roster. Yay! In April, we had a rematch with Lafayette, and we won! I got to play in 8 whole jams. It felt really good… and I didn’t go out there and suck it up either, haha! There were some really great moments like where I swept sideways on turn 4, and removed two blockers that had been pestering my jammer. Or pushed their jammer out of bounds behind the pack on turn 1. I got a lot of great feedback from the coaches and my team that night… though I didn’t know whether to be grateful they noticed, or a little offended that they seemed so surprised. We have two bouts remaining in our first season, and I’m happy to report that I’ve been rostered for both of them!

The roster is great, but honestly the main difference between now and January is that I know what I want, I have goals for the off-season and next season, and I decided that I’m not going to let any frustrations prevent me from going after what I want.

Oh look! It’s a post, and a picture! I took this in a very tiny, overwhelming bathroom in a little restaurant in Chicago. The bathroom was small enough that you could barely turn around in it, but the whole thing was painted, down to the cabinet latches! Seriously, there were molded tree branches and leaves on the walls and ceilings, and then this mirror on the wall.

Friday night, I had to work 4 hours over, which included training two new girls. So basically I listened to myself talk for four hours, and left completely drained. I had to run by the grocery store to pick up a prescription, and then picked up Subway on the way home and spent a couple hours on the couch watching TV before I drug myself off to bed.

Saturday, as you already know, found me in Chicago. I wasn’t going to go because I didn’t really have the money to spend, but decided at the last minute to swing it anyway. I’m glad I did because I had a great time! I went with a couple of friends to the Chicago Outfit double header. Both of the bouts were excellent! Outfit’s B team played Old Capitol City and the A team played Houston’s all-stars. Unfortunately, they lost both of them. The A team girls said, “I can’t even be mad about that!” though. And for good reason– the score was back and forth and tied for the entire duration. Even going into the very last jam, they weren’t out of it. Seriously, one of the best bouts I’ve been to in person. Of course, the close ones are always my favorite. Blow-outs just aren’t as much fun to watch.

This morning was practice. I ended up choosing to sit out because I was having a little trouble with one of my knees. I tweaked it a little bit on Friday night at work, stepping off of a stair wrong. I didn’t want to take the risk of falling on it at practice and going from a little sore to injured. Which of course meant that they did a bunch of really cool drills including things I would have loved to work on!

I developed a pretty wicked headache by the afternoon, so I picked up some take-out for lunch, and then ended up falling asleep on the couch with Lucy. I woke up at one point when the TV changed channels, and Lucy was sleeping on my chest with her little head nuzzled under my chin. Wish I could have reached my phone to take a picture! She can be sweet… when she wants to. It was a long grueling day of naps, and clearing out the DVR. It’s a rough life.

Well this is both a day and a week late! Since I’m writing this on Monday, and I took the picture LAST Sunday. It was my Photo A Day picture for 4/1. The prompt was reflection… caption, “Now with velcro wounds from this morning’s practice.” That’s what that red mark down the length of my arm is, as well as the bruise going across my arm the other way. Sometimes people don’t have the velcro on their elbow pads secured all the way… and then you hit them and lean on them, and this is what happens! It burns! I had to take this picture when I discovered it because I was only aware of the small bruised portion and didn’t discover the rest of it until I was getting ready to get in the shower!

This weekend was a pretty low-key one. Sarah came over on Friday night and we hung out, caught up and I made her nearly pee laughing when I discovered an extendable wand for butt wiping in a catalog. Saturday I helped a couple of girls from our merchandising committee make buttons in preparation for next weekend’s bout. Not long after I got home from that, I developed a migraine and ended up going to bed at like 6pm. I slept for a few hours, got up for a couple hours and then went back to bed. Sunday was pretty low key, on the couch. I was supposed to have dinner with my mom, but both of us felt lousy so we postponed that.

Now it’s time for another work week, which I am beginning with overtime hours. My alarm went off at 2am. *yawn*

I took this picture on Friday on my way home from work. (My phone was in the holder thingy on the dash, and I was safely parked at a stop sign during my photography session, I swear!) I don’t know how things are in your neck of the woods, but here in Indiana, we’re having an unseasonably warm March! In fact, we’ve been breaking decades-old high temperature records! I’m not sure what I think about the implications of summer-like temperatures in winter, but I sure haven’t been complaining about the ability to get out and enjoy the warm weather!

By the end of the day, I feel like I need to seek austin airborne allergy treatment, but whatever. Warm weather, wee! I had big plans to be out and about and active, but unfortunately, I pulled my hamstring in a particularly awkward fall during scrimmage on Thursday so I had to rest it instead. I did skate in the St. Patrick’s Day parade with my team, but it turned out to not be the best idea… my hammy was unhappy and I spent a lot of the rest of the day sitting on an ice pack. I still took advantage of the temperature and drug the camping chair out of my trunk and sat on the front lawn of my apartment building with a magazine a few times! It only took me 6 years of living there, but I finally decided that I don’t care what people think. I want to sit outside, and if they look at me funny for sitting outside the front door, well… who cares?

I also got a little bit of baking done. I made strawberry, banana and chocolate chip muffins Saturday afternoon, which I decided to rename Banana Split Muffins because that’s less of a mouthful. They were really good! I also made Lemon Poppy Seed Muffins this afternoon. I’ll be posting those over on Jenn Cooks in a few weeks probably. They were good, but not quite what I had in mind, so I’m still searching for a better recipe for those.

All in all, a good weekend!

Tuesday I was finally able to make payment arrangements for the final service provider from my surgery last August! Getting that settled made me realize that I haven’t done a financial update over here since… what? October? Yeah… I’m still not here to do one. Hopefully soon, but I don’t have the energy/ability to go searching for account balances at the moment. In general, all the accounts have stayed the same or gone down, with the exception of one credit card that’s gone the wrong direction. Unfortunately, thanks to the medical bills, I’ve been unable to get money in savings, and I had some unexpected car repairs to make.

Since my last update, however, I’ve managed to completely pay off the anesthesiologist and the ER doctor’s bill is now down to about $320. It’s set to be paid off in the next few months. I was able to make payment arrangements with the collector that is handling the ER bill FINALLY, so that’s a huge weight off my shoulders. I still have to come up with the money to pay them obviously, but at least I no longer have to worry about when that harassing phone call is going to come. They were WAY easier to work with than the ER itself! She asked for a certain amount a month, which I couldn’t give. I said I could give $40 and increase the payment when I paid off the ER doc. Done deal. PHEW!

SO! The medical bills stand with the ER doc set to be paid off by June at the very latest (as in, if I can find absolutely zero extra money to throw at it, the minimum I’ve been paying will result in a June 1 payoff). $40/month to the ER collector, to be focusing on paying down that balance next. I’m just plugging away with my $100/month payment arrangement to the surgery center. The balance on that one is still $3211 and change so it will probably be around for awhile. The biggest goal is to have everything except the surgery center paid off or mostly paid off before my student loan comes out of forbearance in October. Meeting this goal is the only way to ensure I will be able to continue make all the necessary payments on all my debts.

I can’t say I’m not still stressed out about actually paying off these balances, and I won’t have any extra money to buy new home lighting anytime soon, but it’s a huge relief to finally have a plan for all of it. Slow and steady, I’ll keep chipping away at the balances!

I am displeased with the amount of double-chin in this picture… It’s a good thing that I went to the grocery store today, made a plan, and am ready to get back on the wagon tomorrow morning! I’ve been off WW for awhile now… I started paying again a couple months ago, but have had a hard time getting back into it. The last few weeks have been especially bad with a lack of grocery shopping and an over abundance of eating out. It’s definitely frustrating…

But then I see pictures like this one:

From almost 2 years ago (Feb 10, 2010) and I realize I have come a LONG way, and I don’t recognize the stranger in that picture. Recently I’ve undone a little bit of that progress. But I also realize two things.

1) I don’t want to go back there.

2) I know how to do this. I’ve done it before and I can do it again.

Honestly, I’ve been debating whether to write this or not. Time stretches longer and longer between updates on this blog, and a lot of the reason is because most of my life outside of work centers around derby. And to be honest, I become more and more disillusioned with derby as the days go by. It feels like roller derby is a bad boyfriend. You know the one I’m talking about– he uses you, and doesn’t treat you all that well when you really think about it, but you love him and you remember how good things used to be so you stay anyway. Yeah… it’s kind of like that.

It’s a little weird to talk about. I usually confide in a few trusted people and outwardly pretend like everything is fine. But that’s not very genuine (or Jennuine) and anyone who knows me knows that I just don’t have it in me to fake it for very long. I’ve hit that wall, and so here it is: I’m not happy. It started with a lot of people– my support system– leaving the league for various reasons because they were unhappy. Its culminated in not being even rostered as an alternate for the only two bouts this season that I have been eligible. I’m hurt, I’m frustrated, and I don’t understand what the hell I’m doing wrong.

I wish I could wrap this all up with a nice sunshiny, happy conclusion, but I don’t have one. I wrote this whole post while mopping up huge crocodile tears. I wish I knew what to do. I am not ready to give this thing up, but I’ve also had way more “why the hell do I bother?” moments lately than I’m comfortable with. And I don’t know how to fix it.

I hope you all enjoyed your very first day of 2012! I know that I, for one, certainly enjoyed all the hangover posts rolling in on Facebook this morning!

I can’t say I did a whole lot with my day today. I’ve been desperately in need of a trip to the grocery store, so I spent my morning running errands– returning the DVDs I rented to Redbox, mailing a package, gas in the car and groceries. I made the mistake of not eating breakfast before I went to the store. I am determined to get back on plan though, so I made it back out of Meijer with very little damage. I came home with lots of fruits and veggies, and was only a little light headed by the time I got all the groceries carried in.

I spent most of the rest of the day on the couch watching Angel, but I did make a big pot of chili for dinner this week and process all the veggies I bought for lunch salads and snacking. The last two weeks have been pretty horrible, weight watchers-wise, so I’m determined to make this one a good one! So far, so good! I didn’t even use a single weekly point today and I’m already in bed and hyped up on NyQuil for the night. I have tomorrow’s food planned out already, so I’m hopeful that it will go just as well.

Are you ready to say goodbye to 2011? I know I am. It’s been a rough year for those close to me, and I think many people will breathe a sigh of relief to see it go. Of course the year couldn’t go without taking one more swing at me… I woke up with a sore throat. It’s actually not too bad at the moment, thankfully, but since I don’t know what’s causing it, I don’t want to head out and share my germs with my friends and family on the chance that it might be contagious. So what you see pictured up above is how I’m spending my new year’s eve. Even though I had invites to two great looking parties, one with friends and one with family, I’m on the couch with the kitties, movies, amaretto and Chipotle. Not the worst way to spend the evening, sure, but not exactly what I had in mind.