For Harriet | Celebrating the Fullness of Black Womanhood

Coming To Terms With Being An Emo Girl In An Optimist’s World

2012-02-28T00:45:00.000-05:00

I’m easily drained when I’m around other people for too long, so I prefer to be alone. I’m an introvert. I’ve completely accepted this as a part of my nature; but when I consider my introversion paired with my inclination towards melancholy, I start to worry. Why can’t I be more like my more extroverted siblings? Should I see a therapist? Am I depressed?

Two years ago, I remember my life being in a state of what seemed like chaos when, out of nowhere, I experienced a momentary feeling of complete happiness. Instead of being grateful, I panicked. How was I going to hold on to this happiness? As is the case with most questions I have, I turned to the Internet first. In an age of social media self-help, it was easy to find the motivation to focus on changing the unsatisfying parts of my life. But there would always be moments where my life felt stagnant and I would slip back into feeling unhappy. Instead of allowing myself to sit with my emotions, I’d become disappointed for falling into a mood of sadness.

I started to perceive this supposed cycle of happiness, sadness, and disappointment as a failure on my part. Until I read an interview with Jamaica Kincaid, in which she makes some pretty bold statements about happiness:

I don’t know that there are any happy writers. But I don’t know that there is any happy person either. A happy person, to me, would seem to have the unique ability to shut out unpleasantness of life. I think happiness is something you run into from time to time. That’s why people take drugs and such. Happiness is not a natural state. If it were a natural state, there would be no word for it. You’d just sort of bump into it in the dark.

Kincaid’s forthright nature persists as she responds to a question about whether she is a pessimist or a realist:

I think I consider myself a pessimist. Which isn’t to say that I give up, but I think ‘Oh, it won’t work out’, but then I do it anyway. I don’t know if that’s a pessimist, but I feel I am a pessimist. It doesn’t stop me, but I am a pessimist. I didn’t think I would have success as a writer, but it didn’t stop me.

I don’t agree that happiness is not a natural state; but in my first reading of the interview, I felt relief. I was comforted by Kincaid’s very frank acceptance of unhappiness and pessimism. It’s a refreshing divergence from the streams of inspirational stories and quotes I often find in my social networks. I appreciate people sharing their inspiration for happiness, but rarely do they acknowledge that being sad is okay and that beauty can come from sadness.

I'm not advocating the pursuit of unhappiness nor do I think depression is something that should be downplayed, or even romanticized; however, we should accept and find value in all of our moods. As we see in Kincaid’s comments on her pessimism, we can persist and create even through our own gloom. In reflecting on my own creativity: I acknowledge that writing is a gift that requires solitude and observation – for me to see the world and to be alone with my reflections on it. It’s the perfect recipe for melancholy, so why deny it?

Nina Yeboah is a writer and black art enthusiast. She enjoys musing about her quarter-life transitions and her love for visual and written arts on her personal blog.

Dear Viola: We Don't Hate The Player, We Just Despise The Game

2012-02-27T02:10:00.000-05:00

Let's get this out of the way. I adore Viola Davis. I adore her gravitas, intellect and fearlessness, but above all, I adore her prodigious talent. For her merits, Davis deserves to be named alongside screen legends like Meryl Streep and Robert DeNiro. But alas the black, female body she inhabits prevents her from reaching the professional heights she so deserves. Ms. Davis as a radiant, 46 year-old woman, only came close to fully realizing her potential on film 3 years ago in her limited but remarkable role in Doubt. In a part so small it could nearly be called a cameo, Viola Davis wrought a compelling performance that earned her an Academy Award nomination.

Last year, Davis' lauded work in the film adaptation of The Help propelled her back into the spotlight. The magnificence of her portrayal of Aibileen is unquestionable though the film itself has been poked, prodded, and picked apart particularly by concerned black audiences and academics.

Pushback against the film forced Viola to take the defense. In an interview, she told Tavis Smiley all the way off saying his disdain for the film was a mindset that's "killing the black artist." Davis was nothing if not beautifully eloquent in her assertion that "the black artist cannot live in a revisionist place." You couldn't help but nod along as this brilliant Black woman argued her case.

Davis, of course, fails to take into account that Aibileen occupies the most loathsome of revisionist locales. Historians have noted that the tale of Minnie and Aibleen are not even close to accurate depictions of life in the Jim Crow south.

The most intelligent criticism of the film is based not on the fact that the women play maids but that they play mammies. Maids, you see, are real women whose stories deserve to be told with dignity and without shame. Mammies are fictive martyrs whose love for their white employers eclipses the economic and often sexual exploitation domestic workers endure(d). The Black women of The Help are the latter. (Melissa Harris-Perry explores this in our book club pick, Sister Citizen) The critique is a rejection of the ways white filmmakers have manipulated our stories to assuage their guilt or to suit their interests.

The story of The Help is appalling; the acting is sublime. Both Black and white filmgoers loved it which makes criticizing the movie in any manner like navigating a minefield.

I wanted so much to side with Davis during her showdown with Smiley, but she sidestepped the primary point. There's no doubt that film critics overwhelmingly celebrate the debasement and pathology of African Americans. While the more than 94% white and 77% male Oscar voters award the varied, complex performances of white actresses, it seems Black women are only visible when we are playing out our most damaging cultural mythologies. Smiley makes it clear that his frustration lies with the racist Hollywood system that dictates what makes it to theaters. Conflating that criticism with a dismissal of the actresses is misguided.

This is all none of Viola Davis' or Octavia Spencer's concern really. We place an unfair burden on black actors by asking them to constantly justify their professional choices. They are actors not activists. This is their craft, but it is also their job.

So when those of us who understand and appreciate the importance of media representation express our frustration at the film, its fabricated history, and the racist film industry it signifies, it is really, truly not personal. We want black actors to flourish and to explore the depths of humanity in new, untold stories. That is our tribute to great Black artists who spent their entire careers encaged, and that is the battle we all must continue to fight.

Kimberly Foster is the Editor and Publisher of For Harriet. Email her at Kimberly@ForHarriet.com with comments or find her on Twitter.

I Wish I Could Be So Naive: A Response to @Daisy of @XOJanedotcom

2012-02-23T00:24:00.000-05:00

Only recently have I come to appreciate my quiet, suburban upbringing. My single mother worked tirelessly to provide her kids a safe, secure childhood unlike the one she'd known.

The choice to live in affluent, predominately white communities was mom's attempt to help my sister and I overcome the trappings of life in black, female bodies. But of course she couldn't shield us completely. We never feared for our safety, and we always attended great schools. But being one of only a handful of African American kids submersed in a sea of whiteness had its own pitfalls. The often overt bigotry I endured left a stain of insecurity and self doubt on my nascent consciousness. That is the reality of my early existence.

When people like Daisy Barringer of XOJane.com speak of an idyllic childhood in which they never had to encounter racism, I simply cannot relate.She writes:

"...it wasn't until I went to college at NYU that I began to learn there were derogatory terms used to insult entire races, religions, and ethnicities."

Must be nice.

Men and women of Color don't get to be blissfully unaware of racial pejoratives. They have their innocence stolen early by hatefulness. It's an awful, unavoidable reality.

A reality I sometimes assume the majority of competent beings of all ethnic backgrounds have acknowledged. Then I see a blog post like "Do We Really Think That Headline Was Intentionally Racist," and I'm quickly reminded that willful ignorance of the lived experiences of People of Color persists.

"The Headline" is the one in which Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks was referred to as a "Chink in the Armor" by Anthony Federico of ESPN.com. Federico was rightfully fired over the incident, but Daisy thinks the outrage toward the writer was unwarranted because she, herself, had never heard the term used as a slur.

How is that possible? You ask. Apparently Daisy lives in a utopic bubble wherein you can completely avoid the inconvenient nastiness of a society built on oppression.

Fact of that matter is, as I’ve gotten older and somewhat wiser, I’ve made a conscious effort not to learn what these words mean. I can't help but know they exist, but if I don’t ask what they mean or who they're about when I do have the unfortunate chance of hearing them, I’m not inviting the ugly thoughts and stereotypes into my life.

Again. Must be nice.

It's ok to not know things, but these sentiments evidence a refusal to listen to and trust those whom racism affects daily. I understand it's difficult for many who've always been explicitly catered to to understand this, but it's not always about you.

White people get to claim naïveté while simultaneously perpetuating the silencing of minority voices. Because how could they ever have known about the complexities of an existence so far removed from their own?

Cluelessness is a cover for flat refusal to self-educate on white privilege. This is, of course, where the Magical Minorities are expected to swoop down, play professor and graciously teach about the damaging racial constructs that have wreaked havoc on POC communities for hundreds of years in this country. I, however, reject that expectation.

Because she managed to publish her blog, I am sure Daisy has access to this incredible thing called the internet which facilitates access to countless resources for those who desire to acquire knowledge. The writer obviously has no such yearning--citing an unwillingness to "invite the ugly thoughts and stereotypes" into her life. Here's the thing, Daisy: POC cannot escape that ugly.

It gets worse.

Daisy not only revels in her admitted ignorance, but she blames POC for raising the issue of Federico's racist words. In the classic game of white privilege called "It's Not Me, It's You," she asserts those who recognized the racist double entendre were the racist ones. (Heard that one before?)

Once I realized that everyone was, in fact, livid about the usage of the word "chink," despite the fact that the phrase "chink in the armor" accurately described Lin's first real sign of weakness, I couldn't help but think that perhaps it was everyone else who was racist, not the writer.

It couldn't have been that when one is constantly beseiged by micro and macro aggressions one becomes adept at spotting them. Nope. We're just oversensitive whiners.

Quite frankly I'm amazed by Barringer's audacity in telling POC what they should be offended by, but let's say, for a moment, Federico really did make an "honest mistake." Then at the very least he's an incompetent who still deserves to lose his job for the oversight. If he can't catch a racist pun in the middle of the onslaught of coverage about the implications of Lin's ethnicity, he's grossly negligent. People have been fired for less.

Most offensive is Barringer's contention that outrage over Federico's insensitivity is "just as horrible as racism." This is how you know Daisy Barringer truly has no grasp of what racism actually is. Racism keeps ethnic minorities underpaid, underfed, undereducated, and underemployed. That icky feeling you get when someone calls you out on your bull doesn't even come close.

Structural oppression persists because of the unwillingness of those with privilege to step outside of themselves.

Please excuse me if I'm unmoved by the incredulity of Daisy and others who struggle to figure out how racism works. I've never been afforded the luxury of being so naive.

Kimberly Foster is the Editor and Publisher of For Harriet. Email her at Kimberly@ForHarriet.com with comments or find her on Twitter.

Are We Really That Lactose Intolerant?

2012-02-22T00:28:00.001-05:00

It’s in many of the foods that are closely connected to our family traditions. After all, what would Christmas be without Mama’s baked macaroni and cheese? Would Thanksgiving really be the same if you didn’t have your favorite aunt’s sweet potato pie? Well, it turns out, these holidays could be much more enjoyable for you if you experience stomach pain, fatigue, or even a slight skin rash after eating the foods you love so much.

For years we’ve heard that Black people can’t properly digest milk products, since most of us are lactose intolerant; that is, we lack the enzyme needed to process the sugar in milk. And, the folks at Lactaid have (smartly) included Black actors in their television commercials for lactose-free milk. But is it time for us to be completely non-dairy? Or, is it just too difficult to forego the foods that make family dinners worth looking forward to?

First, it’s important to explore the debate concerning whether any human adults should be consuming dairy products. Medline Plus reports that babies who are born after a full-term pregnancy usually don’t show signs of lactose intolerance until they are three years of age. Premature babies can sometimes display lactose intolerance at birth. African-American toddlers are, on average, unable to digest milk by the time they are two years old; Caucasian children may not display these symptoms until the age of five. So, regardless of ethnic background, most people lose the ability to eat and drink milk products comfortably while they are still children. Which means by the time you reach your 20s or 30s, you may have done some serious damage to your body by continuing to consume dairy.

Some health professionals would also argue that many Black people aren’t able to eat dairy because of blood type. The majority of people of African descent are blood type O—individuals with this blood type should consume high-protein foods like red meat and fatty fish, very little grains, and no dairy, according to Dr. Peter D’Adamo in his book, Eat Right 4 Your Type. And according to the National Institute of Health, over 75 percent of African Americans in the U.S. can’t tolerate lactose. So, it’s very likely that you could be included in that percentage.

But why is this seemingly unfair health plague so prevalent in the Black community? Perhaps it’s because the type of animals that produce milk fit for human consumption were not traditionally herded in Africa. Due to the extreme heat on the continent, cattle were not able to properly thrive there. Also, there were several bacterial disease that infected and killed cattle in Africa before 1900, meaning that milk was not a part of the diet for several generations. Overall, our stomachs have not become genetically accustomed to digesting milk. And it may be time to accept that. It may also be time to come to terms with the fact that since most of us are of mixed heritage, the percentage of the Black population that are biracial or of partial European ancestry may have an easier time eating dairy products.

Aside from the gas and bloating that drinking milk or eating dairy products can cause, there are also several serious symptoms that you can experience when you continue to drink milkshakes with your burgers, or have a cup or yogurt with your morning fruit. Lactose intolerance could be the reason for your migraine headaches, or for the extreme cramps and mood swings you experience during your menstrual cycle. Nausea is also common for people who can’t tolerate milk, and some women with severe lactose intolerance have even reported developing fibroid tumors, due to the hormones found in milk. You may find that your complexion is clearer after eliminating dairy from your diet, since lactose intolerance has been linked to acne and can cause skin inflammation.

So, there you have it. Yes, it’s daunting news, and your family meal won’t be the same without the creamy mashed potatoes or sweet banana pudding you’ve come to know and love. But you may find that your headaches become a thing of the past and your mood swings are non-existent.

If giving up the milk cold turkey is just too painful, try organic dairy products that are free of preservatives and pesticides. The absence of harmful chemicals may aid in dairy digestion as well. And, there are several dairy-free alternatives like soy or coconut yogurt and vegan versions of cheese that you can start incorporating into your recipes for a healthier and happier you.

Sources:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/442998-lactose-intolerance-and-acne/
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000276.htm
http://vegansofcolor.wordpress.com/2009/01/04/special-dairy-education-kit-targeting-african-americans/
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/06/050602012109.htm

Tamiya King is a fashion blogger and alternative health writer. She possess an English degree and has been writing professionally for over a decade. King is also a professional image consultant, and is studying to become a certified health coach to learn new and exciting ways to help women look and feel their best. You can reach her on Twitter (@tamiyafking).

Join our book club! Introducing #BlackGirlsLoveBooks

2012-02-20T01:40:00.000-05:00

It's finally here! For Harriet's official book club, Black Girls Love Books, will kick off next month! Each month we'll pick one non-fiction and one fiction book to read and discuss on Twitter and Facebook.

Literature provides us necessary opportunities to examine real and fictitious images of ourselves. This is an exciting chance for Black women to come together to discuss these portrayals. As a general rule, our selections will be books written by Black Women.

Book discussions won't officially begin for another week and a half, but if you start reading early, tweet your reactions with the hashtag #BlackGirlsLoveBooks or #BGLB! Book talk will be ongoing on Twitter and each week we'll post discussion questions on Facebook for longer, in-depth dialogue.

Take a look at March's picks.

Non-Fiction

Sister Citizen: Shame, Stereotypes, and Black Women in America

Fiction

32 Candles: A Novel

The Put Off: Can Love, Marriage and Family Wait?

2012-02-20T00:46:00.000-05:00

“So when are you getting married?” the mother of one of my long-time friends abruptly asked me in the midst of our small talk one day. Caught off guard, I replied: “One day soon I hope, but not right now. I have things I really want to do before all that.” She smiled, “Ok, just don’t wait too long.”

Her statement, loving yet firm, among other things has led me to think over what it is that I feel I need to do or accomplish to be ready for marriage and settling down. Of course, a yet-to-be-identified qualified suitor is essential. But for many other reasons, marriage is not a high priority for me right now, and her words made me question whether I was putting it on the back-burner. At twenty-three, I’m not quite where I would like to be in every aspect of my life--as is to be expected--but was I chasing an elusive pre-marital to-do list?

It’s no secret that women are marrying later nowadays. According to the U.S. Census report on marriage and divorce rates issued May 2011, nearly half of all women between the ages of 25 and 29 have never been married. In 2009, the median age for first-time newlyweds was 28 for men and 26 for women, compared to 23 for men and 20 for women in 1950.

Related: It Was All A Dream: Coming to Terms With Relationship Realities

As Black women in particular, we’ve been bombarded with statistics and theories as to why so many of us are single and unwed. Despite the constant hopelessly single narrative, there are also many of us who are intentionally opting to put-off marriage and raising a family to pursue other goals. In Gabrielle Union’s recent Ocean Drive magazine feature, the 39-year-old actress captures this sentiment as she shares she is in no rush to be a mom but alluding to maybe having children sometime later in life:

“I was never someone who thought about having kids—I mean, they’re great in theory, but I never imagined having one [myself]. Maybe over the next five years I could wrap my brain around becoming a mother and what that would mean in terms of sacrifice and dedication.”

Gabrielle Union evidently hears no biological clock ticking, and has also stated numerous times she is no rush to marry her longtime boyfriend Dwyane Wade as well. Although both have been married before, Union still represents the growing number of women waiting longer for children. Observing the current statistics and social trends it may seem as though many women today have done away with the old saying “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby-carriage” and replaced it with: first comes college, then career, success, financial security, and everything else can wait.

But I believe it’s much more complex.

All things considered, the economic crisis in this country does come into play when planning for your future. Getting married, combining living expenses, taking on each others debts and having children can all be very expensive. Additionally, in this age of the independent woman, blurred gender roles and individualism, many no longer see marriage as an essential building block for a complete life. Or women feel they must have their own and have it all together financially and/or professionally before they can even consider tying the knot, much less take on the responsibility of children. There is also a subtle, yet unspoken notion among some women that once you are married with children somehow your life is over.

Related: Tick Tock and It Don't Stop: One Black Woman’s Quest for Motherhood

Within my circle of friends--all of us in our early to mid twenties--we often ponder and discuss why so many of us have yet to be married. Our stories are diverse, yet they share commonalities. Some of us simply haven’t met ‘The One.’ There are those who feel the need to do it all career wise and academically beforehand, yet they also struggle with whether their ambitions could lessen their chances of finding someone of equal stature. Then there are those of us who view marriage and mommy-hood as something far off and way down the road.

We all want the fairy-tale ending to an extent, but different factors have impacted what the road to happiness and fulfillment looks like to each of us. Everyone has there own idea of when and how life’s milestones should fall into place for us. For some it could mean marital bliss and a white picket fence by 26, for others it could mean a Master’s and a corner office by then.

But for those of us who want to have the best of each world one day, as professional women, wives and mothers, I do think it’s attainable and success in one doesn’t have to rule out the other. We must caution ourselves not be too consumed with one that we neglect the other. For example, being so caught up in climbing the corporate ladder or professional pursuits that you never make time to invest in a relationship is just as bad as being so caught up in finding a husband that you lose sight of who you are and what you want out of life. Each extreme can lead to an unbalanced and unfulfilled ending. So while I don’t want to wake up 20 years from now, bitter and angry that I never took that life-changing professional opportunity before taking those infamous vows, I also don’t want to come home to an empty house filled with accomplishments and no one to share them with.

Despite anyone’s pressure, I’m a firm believer in letting things happen organically. And although, those well intentioned motherly words of advice had me questioning whether the need to feel like I’ve accomplished my individual goals was clouding my thoughts on when it will be the “right” time to settle down, I’ve come to realize that it’s not. I see nothing wrong with being ambitious, yet I strive to seek balance and make time for all the things I want out of life. No I won’t “wait too long” for marriage and having a family. In fact, I won’t wait at all. I won’t force it; I won’t rush it; nor will I run from it or put it off. In fact, I view all my goals in life as seeds of a flower carefully sown in fertile ground. And when properly nourished and attended to, they will sprout and blossom when they are meant to; whether it be simultaneously, one after the other, sooner than later or later than sooner.

Shahida Muhammad is a twenty-three year old freelance writer and editor from Philadelphia. Introspective and stylish, she loves to dance and her favorite color is orange. Every now and then, she drops an ill tweet or two. Follow @ShahidaAtLarge.

#ItsBiggerThan2Short: A discussion of sexual violence in Black and brown communities

2012-02-17T00:47:00.000-05:00

After nearly a week of coverage on blogs, the story of Too Short encouraging middle and high school boys to sexually assault their female classmates has yet to makes waves in mainstream media. Fortunately, there are plenty of diligent voices online who have lined up to do the work of speaking up for the girls who would be victims. Thanks so much to Joan Morgan, Dr. Mark Anthony Neal, Raquel Cepeda, Carolyn Edgar, Yaba Blay and others for their work. Here is a transcript from tonight's Twitter chat.

This discussion is only a first step in addressing these issues. We'll keep you updated on the story.

Follow For Harriet on Twitter here

Black Girls Blogging: Katrice Mines of My Vicarious Life

2012-02-15T02:22:00.001-05:00

Social media provides Black women opportunities to define who we are and what we hope to become. Black Girls Blogging is a new feature on For Harriet that explores the ways Black women share their voices and build community online.

At first glance, you'll assume My Vicarious Life is a typical fashion blog but Katrice Mines' stirring commentary sets it apart. The Editor-by-day found the perfect balance of the aesthetic and the intellectual. She shares her inspirations and motivations with us below.

What made you decide to start MVL?
I started MVL in 2010 as a space for me to chronicle my self-imposed challenge of getting to know the city – restaurants, boutiques, attractions and everything in between. The challenge was inspired by what felt like constant explaining to people what I enjoy about being single and to prove through my posts that life is what you make it.

You edit a print publication. How has that impacted the way you approach blogging?
My career as an editor helps me to provide a very curated approach to content – choice and presentation. Although MyVicariousLyfe.com is a light and airy lifestyle blog, I take care to offer crisp writing and well-considered posts. And it has also helped me to stay true to my editorial scope, which is very much centered around insight on the things that I love and only what I believe worthy of coverage. When my readers leave MVL, I hope that they feel as if they have had an experience with me.

MVL began with more of a lifestyle focus, but you now seem to focus on fashion. What inspired the shift?
The shift happened organically. I love fashion {and shopping} and so I tend to gravitate more to what gets my attention in that realm. But, my aim this year is to be more diverse with my content. You'll see more commentary, more travel and more of me in my professional life. In short, I'm fighting the "shift" because if you talk to me, you'll actually get so much more. I'll be chatting you up about a World War II documentary or something along those lines.

What's the best thing your blog has given you?
My blog has essentially given me – me. I launched hoping that it would inspire others. MVL has, in fact, inspired me. I have learned to accept my voice and to take myself seriously, and I realize that through my blog, I become more of myself everyday.

What have you learned about yourself through blogging?
Two things: That I am obsessed with excellence and with the opportunity to enliven others. If I learn something, I can't wait to share it. I receive something, I can't wait to share it. I'm trying to live my best life so well that others can't resist doing the same.

In what ways has your blog enabled you to connect with Black women online?
I did a post in October titled, “How Blogs are Bringing Black Women Together,” and it was simply to say thank you to the women who have become a community, of sorts, for me and for us. Blogging has somehow allowed us to take down some of the barriers that we place up out of socialization and to realize that we are not each others enemies. I have connected with so many brilliant women that I now consider my sisterfriends on Twitter and Facebook – and met many of them in person because of our online introductions. So many women that I didn't even know lifted me up when I was just getting started and so unsure of myself and my blog, and that has made all the difference.

What advice would you give to women looking to find their voice online?
I would say take some time to carefully consider what exactly they want to bring forth and to be authentic -- above all else. Two things that can make establishing yourself difficult in the sea of content is being unsure and trying to be all things to all people. Decide your thesis and stay true.

Visit MyVicariousLyfe.com and follow Katrice on Twitter

UPDATED: Demand XXL's Editor Answer for Promoting Sexual Assault

2012-02-14T00:00:00.002-05:00

Last week, rapper Too Short, born Todd Anthony Shaw, offered some disgusting "fatherly advice" to his viewers at XXL Magazine's online home. Shaw explicitly advocated the sexual assault of preteen and teenage girls in a video.

"When you get to late middle school, early high school and you start feeling a certain way about the girls... I'm gonna tell you a couple tricks," Too Short said in the video. "A lot of the boys are going to be running around trying to get kisses from the girls... We're going way past that. I'm taking you to the hole."

Then, the 45-year-old rapper, whose real name is Todd Anthony Shaw, asks women off camera to "cover their ears" to avoid being offended. Short then describes a scenario in graphic detail. "You push her up against the wall," he continued. "You take your finger and put a little spit on it and you stick your finger in her underwear and you rub it on there and watch what happens."

Whie Shaw is giving his graphic "advice," upbeat, child-themed music plays in the background. Source

The question is not why the man would say such horrific things. (Vile people regularly say and do vile things.), but why did the magazine provide him a platform? The minds and bodies of black girls are continually under attack. Those in charge at XXL, particularly Vanessa Satten the magazine's Editor In Chief, value the security of young black women so little that they chose to trade it for pageviews. Let them know that we will not sit and watch while they wage war.

TAKE ACTION!

1) We are circulating a Twitter petition calling for Satten's resignation as editor of XXL. Please sigh with a tweet to spread the word.
2) Email Vanessa Satten: vanessa@harris-pub.com
3) Contact XXL's publisher Harris Publications directly via phone: (212) 807-7100
4) Sign this petition!
5) Here is a list of XXL's most recent advertisers. Contact them directly with your concerns.

We've done it before. We can do it again. Black women deserve better.

Update: XXL Issues A Statement

There has been some recent controversy surrounding a video interview with Too $hort that posted on XXLMag.com last week. Many readers found the tone and content of the interview to be offensive and were angered that it was allowed to post on the website. "I agree with their perspective," says Vanessa Satten, XXL Editor-in-Chief. "I do not see all content before it goes live. When I saw this video, I was truly offended and thought it crossed the line. I had it taken down immediately. I am disappointed that an employee decided to post it and I am putting internal procedures in place to make sure content like this does not go on the site. The video goes against my value system and represents poor judgment on behalf of the individual who posted it."

XXL apologizes to anyone who was offended by the video and assures readers that the brand does not condone this type of content posting on the site and it is making internal changes to avoid any similar content being posted in the future.

Too $hort also responded to the video in a statement sent to XXLMag.com.

"I want to apologize to anyone I may have offended with the XXL video interview I recently did," $hort stated. "When I got on camera I was in Too $hort mode and had a lapse of judgement.I would never advise a child or young man to do these things, it's not how I get down. Although I have made my career on dirty raps, I have worked over the years to somewhat balance the content of my music with giving back to the community. Just coming from a man who wants to see young people get ahead in life, I'm gonna do my best to to help and not hurt. If you're a young man or a kid who looks up to me, don't get caught up in the pimp, player, gangster hip-hop personas. Just be yourself."--XXL Staff

Vanessa Satten has issued another apology. Read it here.

Black Feminist Contradictions: We All Got 'Em

2012-02-13T03:11:00.001-05:00

There will always be debate about what defines a feminist. While conservative women like Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann attempt to misappropriate the term and negate its progressive origins, Black women struggle to embrace it and see our place within the movement.

Feminism (or Womanisn if you please) is a Black woman's birthright. We had no choice but to question the racist, sexist power structures that define Western culture. Black feminism has enabled Black women to define ourselves for ourselves in a world that would have us reduced to caricature. For this reason--and many more-- I embrace Feminism fully. Its messy history of exclusion has not deterred me from recognizing the importance of feminist ideals in the quest for the equality of all people.

A feminist life is supposed to be a liberated one. A transcendent existence free of the constraints foisted upon us but a society that cares not for our best interest. Yet sometimes I feel constricted in trying to live up to the expectations I set for "good feminists." I often feel guilty for not living my life in complete accordance with feminist principles. (I've written about this before)

This tension is most acute in my personal life. My desire to dismantle the structures of oppression that limit the life chances and opportunities of marginalized groups often comes second to my longing to have a good time and enjoy my youth.

The entertainment I consume is particularly questionable by Black Feminist standards. It's violent, it's sexist, and often homophobic. I do not say this with pride, but I'm an avid listener of the most degrading type of rap music and loyal viewer of the most exploitative television. The irony (hypocrisy) of my media choices is not lost on me.

I worry often that partaking in the corrosive culture of hip hop in particular delegitimates my voice as an activist. Of course I could just give up my unhealthy habits, but it's not that simple. (Joan Morgan explains the pull more eloquently than I ever could.) The desire to remain connected to cultural elements that actively oppress you is damn near a sickness, but I have not yet decide if this illness necessitates a cure.

Perhaps my mistake is not enjoying but doing so publicly. If I laughed at the absurdity of Atlanta's Real Housewives in private, at the very least it would spare me the sanctimonious finger wagging of uber feminists. These are the womyn who wouldn't dare use the b-word. The women who spend all their free time listening to neo-soul and reading bell hooks. I am not one of those women, nor do I desire to be. My life is layered. The contradictions evidence the fullness of my womanhood.

My journey with feminism mirrors my personal faith in that I struggle daily to figure out the right balance for my life. Feminist theory remains a useful guide in helping me to understand myself and the world around me, but it is just that: theory. (Word to Patricia Hill Collins.)

The Christianity comparison is not meant to blaspheme but to illustrate that navigating personal belief systems is arduous because life is complex. Being a perfect feminist is impossible. Even icons stumble. (Alice Walker and Gloria Steinem immediately come to mind.) And I don't condemn them for their missteps because we're doing the best with what we know.

Maya Angelou famously mused, "When you know better, you do better." Those who seek to leave the world better than they found it must engage in self reflection. But spiritual survival requires that we make sure that self examination doesn't devolve into self flagellation. I can no l longer beat myself up over my feminist shortcomings. My Black Feminist contradictions will have to do.

Kimberly Foster is the Editor and Publisher of For Harriet. Email her at Kimberly@ForHarriet.com with comments or find her on Twitter.

A Message to Black Folks: Don't Get Mad, Get GLAAD

2012-02-10T00:08:00.000-05:00

The past week has been an important one for digital advocacy. In a matter of days, two major organizations, Susan G. Komen for the Cure and CNN, were forced into decisive action by the feminist and LGBT communities respectively. Supporters used Twitter, Facebook, blogs and message boards to rally their proverbial troops. Proving, once again, that the power lies with the people, and when we choose to lift our voices, we can prevail.

They make it look easy. Under duress Komen reversed its decision to indefinitely defund Planned Parenthood, and CNN placed commentator Roland Martin on suspension for homophobic tweets. Each of these results were achieved within days of a concerted outcry.

It seems as though Black folks are the only interest group who can't coordinate digitally to effect change. When black communities are attacked--which happens daily--why do we have so much difficulty spreading an effective, unified message? We rarely wield the power to force anyone's hand.

These social media successes were not flukes, they were facilitated by existing structures embedded within the communities. Structures that African Americans simply do not have. Or perhaps we have them, but we have not yet figured out how to use them to our best advantage.

Much discussed has been the digital divide which explains disparate access to the internet's wealth of resources in communities of color, but we have yet failed to address how men and women of African descent have not fully tapped into the power of digital spaces and social media to address malicious media misrepresentation and corrosive public policy.

Yes, there exist startups like ColorofChange.org, but Black communities lag behind in response to offensive onslaughts. We're in a new age, where those who cannot make their voices heard quickly will be swept under the rug just as we've always been.

When Susan G. Komen for the Cure announced it would no longer provide over $600,000 in funding to Planned Parenthood for breast cancer screenings, the feminist blogosphere swooped down with its unmistakable fury. Pro-choice bloggers and tweeters quickly organized a well-coordinated assault, overwhelming the organization's official social media pages with calls to action. All the while, top feminist blogs were continually updated with the mission's progress.

These actions worked because top Komen officials did a terrible job of handling the controversy in the first day, and the furor shook the organization to the core, prompting the resignation of one of its conservative VP of Public Policy.

To be certain, this was a groundswell. The Planned Parenthood cohort crosscut many groups. There was no Feminist Boule gathered in a dark room plotting strategy. The amorphous feminist blogosphere occupies enough territory to disseminate the message quickly. Supporters know when to act and how to do so with speed and fervency because they had a single goal.

The Komen case should be a model for African American reaction to policy decisions that negatively impact our communities. The trouble, it seems, it that we are so diverse in opinion that we cannot decide on a single goal.

The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) spearheaded suspension of Roland Martin provides another example of coordinated, effectual digital activism. After Martin's controversial tweets, the group responded to him from their official account almost immediately. In contrast to the previous case, this was a top down operation. When GLAAD strikes, a community follows.

With remarkable speed, they drafted a petition for Martin's firing and a press release about the incident which resulted in several media hits and sparked discussion.

Unsurprisingly, many African Americans rushed to Martin's defense insisting that he had been unfairly targeted. Whether you agree or not, at the end the day GLAAD did its job. I'm sure the next time a moderately successful social commentator gets the urge to spew homophobia, they'll think twice.

Time is of the essence in the 24 hour news culture, and Black America's national clearinghouses always seem to be a step behind. Though the bounds of Blackness are far too expansive for a single agenda, there are boundless opportunities for us to strike back because everyday there are policies passed that adversely affect the lives of Blacks in America and abroad.

Communities of color must use both grass roots and organizational responses to counter the constant attacks on our rights and persons. Instead of being critical of "gay mafia" or "feminazis" who can pull together a digital demonstration effectively, we need to be build our own organizations and networks that can do the same.

Kimberly Foster is the Editor and Publisher of For Harriet. Email her at Kimberly@ForHarriet.com with comments or find her on Twitter.

It Was All A Dream: Coming to Terms With Relationship Realities

2012-02-09T08:01:00.000-05:00

I used to read bridal magazines. From the time that I was old enough to understand what a wedding was, I knew that I wanted to experience that for myself. I wanted it all. My wedding would be an extravagant event that everyone who attended would remember for the rest of their lives. I’d flip through the pages of various publications pointing out to my mom which dresses I loved as well as those that I thought were hideous.

I rehearsed how everything would work out over and over again with my Barbie and Ken dolls. It would be perfect. Like many women, I grew up dreaming of the day that like Barbie had done so many times in her tiny pink beach house, I’d walk blushingly toward the man that I would marry and spend the rest of my life with. I knew then that I was going to be a beautiful bride and an amazing wife. Even as a little girl, I felt as if I was bred to wed.

Related: Five Things I’ve Learned as a Single Woman

Having never been exposed to a picture perfect married couple while growing up, I tried to teach myself what a married couple should be like. I decided that there were certain things that should and should not happen in relationships in general, even before they got to the point of nuptials. My mother became a widow when I was only a year old. She never remarried and hardly dated. No relationship exposure there. The other women in my family, even my grandmother, always appeared to be miserable in the relationships they were in. And as a child, after watching Barbie and Ken remain so happy, I convinced myself that there had to be some other type of love out there that made people stay together. There had to be something that made people love each other like the husbands and wives I saw on television. Couples couldn’t fight all the time. Physical, emotional and verbal abuse wouldn’t exist in my relationships. My husband would adore me.

My obsession with fairy tales as a young girl didn’t help much. Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty were a few of my favorites. Snow White even declared to herself in the beginning of her film that someday her prince would come. Was she being unrealistic? Was she asking for too much? Evidently not, because in all of those movies, the title character indeed ended up living happily ever after. If they could do it, why couldn’t I?

As I grew older and began dating, I still held on to the belief that one day my prince would come too. Whether women are willing to admit it or not, I looked at every guy I dated as if he could become my husband. Like most adolescents, I spent many days daydreaming in class scribbling his last name after my first on pieces of notebook paper, planning weddings with an ever-changing list of bridesmaids, and picking out baby names.

After all of the inherent wishing and hoping that someday the man of my dreams was going to come along and literally sweep me off of my feet, imagine my surprise when I began seriously dating in college and every guy I dated turned out to be a toad. It seems silly for a woman in her early twenties to say that guys her age just aren’t serious. Well, they aren’t. They’re men in their early twenties. Are we really expecting serious commitments or marriage proposals from men who’ve just begun to test the waters?

Related: If It Isn't Love: Don't Make Excuses for A Love That's Not Right For You

While some of them had potential, none were ever ready for what I thought I wanted.
Even after being in an exclusive relationship for four years, I still wasn’t totally satisfied and I convinced myself that it was because I wasn’t totally, completely and hopelessly in love. The fairy tale feeling wasn’t there. So I ended the relationship. I beat myself up for a long time because I felt really bad about hurting him and for allowing the relationship to go on for that long. Here was a guy who adored me, treated me well and supported me more than anyone else. What was wrong with me? Was I supposed to stay until I felt the way I thought I was supposed to feel? And if I stayed, would that mean that I was settling?

The other women in my life weren’t able to offer much assistance. My mother had adopted and adamantly stuck to the principle that everyone had a soul mate. She often professed that she’d found hers once and would never settle for a man who couldn’t treat her with the love and respect that my father had. My best friend was madly in love with her high school sweetheart and had probably had only one other boyfriend before him. In essence, two of the most important women in my life hadn’t had much relationship experience at all so they couldn’t really relate to what I was feeling.

My 6-year-old self would laugh hysterically if you were to tell her that as I find myself quickly approaching the door of my late twenties, I am not married or even in a serious relationship. She simply wouldn’t believe it. “Well that wasn’t the plan,” is what I’m sure she’d say. It wasn’t the plan but it is the reality. And as hard of a pill as it has been for me to swallow, I have accepted the fact that if I never get married, I’ll be ok with that. The dream isn’t over but it’s certainly not an obsession anymore.

Lately, I’ve had several conversations with colleagues who’ve found themselves experiencing similar situations. They’ve become involved, emotionally and physically, with men who don’t have the same views on relationships as they do. I am certainly guilty as well. When I woke up from the dream of hearing wedding bells, I realized that the man I was involved with was making me feel as if I were disposable. He could pick me up when I was a necessity and just as easily, walk away when I was no longer needed. I certainly don’t know all there is to know about love, but I know that’s not it.

While I haven’t turned to books like Steve Harvey’s Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man or Greg Behrendt’s He’s Just Not That Into You, for guidance or solutions as to why I’m still single, I will admit that I’ve often wondered why things haven’t worked out. I guess ultimately the answer to that is that I will never settle for a mediocre relationship or find myself stuck in something where true love and trust don’t coexist. If that means I’ll never take that slow stroll down the aisle, then so be it. I can live with that.

Alicia D. Dervin is a South Carolina native currently working and residing in Charlotte, North Carolina. She works as a broadcast specialist and a freelance writer. She is the author of Sex Isn't Enough , currently available on Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com and AliciaDDervin.com. She is a lover of all things stylish, her family and friends, and her yorkie Lady. Follow her on Twitter @AliciaDDervin.

A State of Emergency for Black Girls

2012-02-08T00:16:00.001-05:00

Lately, I've become overly aware of little black girls between the ages of six to eleven years old. Little black girls with thick, short or long braids. Sometimes in their hair, they have a dozen rainbow colourful clips or multicolored beads, or tiny braids corn-rowed tightly into beautiful masterpieces. Their hair parted four million little ways with heavily greased scalps. They have thick beautiful lips, flat cute noses, and soulful big eyes. Their chocolate brown skin glistening, yet often they have forgotten to lotion ashy elbows or knees.

These little black girls remind me of myself. And I look for me in them--search to find myself. When our eyes meet, I smile. If they smile back, I often compliment them on their beautiful hair, or tell them what a pretty smile they have. Mostly they seem shocked that someone has even acknowledged them, much less dared to call them beautiful! And the darker their skin, and the thicker or shorter their hair, the more shocked they seem that someone has called them beautiful. They coyly look away and I know that they are questioning if I am indeed telling them the truth. Is it possible? Are they really beautiful?

In their various, shapes, sizes and shades that range from cinnamon brown to blue black, I loudly declare and express how beautiful they are. I tell them that they are beautiful because I vividly remember when I was their age how I wanted someone to call me pretty, or beautiful. How I ached for someone to just see me. How I wanted someone, anyone, to just notice me. That attention, if and when it came, was unwanted because it was from grown ass men who should have known better than to stare at my budding breasts. I wish that someone would have told them that there was no need to keep their lingering hands on the small of my back for so long. Their hugs seemed to crush my small body while their probing eyes left my nine-year-old self feeling naked and confused. No amount of baby fat could protect me from these men...

Related: UnPretty: My Personal Battle With Vanity and Insecurity

Yet I was eager to rush out of puberty to lay with men who whispered to me during unemotional, robotic sex how beautiful I was. In my own need to be desired, wanted and told that I was beautiful, I stayed in beds that were not safe spaces for me. I stayed in "relationships" that did not feed, or nurture me. Showed up more bruised and fragmented than whole, begging for someone to patch me back together -- who would do this without asking for my soul in return. Desperately, wanting someone to hold all my jagged edges in their hands, hold onto me even if i made them bleed? I was bleeding and needing to be loved.

Thus, I wish I could declare a state of emergency. Little black girls are in need of critical care! Our care! I often wonder why as womyn and especially black womyn, we cannot see that little black girls need our approval and our attention. Black fathers, do you tell your daughters that they are beautiful? If not, I will warn you without any doubt that another man is dying to whisper something in her ear. Our little black girls need to be praised, honored and admired. They should be told daily that they are beautiful, and if they are given those messages early and often enough, they may start to believe it.

Because if you are told that you are beautiful, and if you are held with the upmost care, I believe you may not be so eager to jump into bed with the first person who tells you that you are beautiful and that you are loved...

So that is why when I see little black girls I smile, look them deeply in their eyes. I want them to know that someone could love them. Love them unconditionally. Love them as they are. Love them safely. My wish for them is that they don't have to stand in front of a mirror longing and wishing for lighter skin, a straighter nose and smaller lips.

I want them to know that they don't have to have "good hair" in order to be valued. I want to hold all their jagged pieces in my hands, to let them know that they are beautiful and loved. I see you.... because i see me...

I love you. I love you fiercely because I am learning to love me and I sometimes ache to gently kiss your ashy elbows and knees.

trey anthony is an actor/comedian and the acclaimed writer of "'da Kink" TV show and hit theatrical play. trey is an established motivational speaker and the founder of Girl Doing Better, a professional virtual, mobile, life coaching service for womyn, with a special focus on womyn of colour. For more info check out www.treyanthonystudios.com or to contact trey, please email trey@treyanthonystudios.com.

Invisible Chains: Unlearning My Mother's Wisdom

2012-02-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

Through the years it has been corporatized and commodified, but Black History Month is a time for self-reflection and meditation. A time to remember those men and women whose boldness and bravery left a mark on our collective consciousness. A time where individually each of us must take stock of our talents and think about what we will do to lift as we climb.

While we celebrate the trailblazers, the holiday exposes one of the most maddening contradictions of the Black female experience: African American women derive strength and pride from the fearlessness of our foremothers, but our own mothers and surrogates direct us to lead our lives with a spirit of caution.

From childhood, little black girls are taught to survive not to soar. A young black women who dares to dream in color should expect that the women closest to her will, without hesitation, douse her heart in a sensible beige.

Black mothers are no different from anyone else. They love completely, give unselfishly and fight relentlessly. They do so, however, with the looming specter of white supremacy. That legacy has left behind a trail of pain and frustration. We often forget the humanity of our mothers, but their eyes have seen what ours have not. They harbor sadness over missed opportunities and perpetual disappointments.

So when our spiritual guides tell us: think big but don't overreach or keep your head down and follow the rules. They do so not out of malice but of necessity. They mean to ensure we thrive financially and psychically.

Black Mothers kill dreams, but only because they care.

This is why I cannot fault my mom for her reluctance to accept my embrace of an atypical life. She is the one who taught me black women's multiple oppressions make us more vulnerable in the wake of missteps. Her carefully constructed plans of action do not, however, provide an opportunity for freedom or fulfillment.

Melissa Harris- Perry's latest book, Sister Citizen , explores the ways in which Black women attempt to "move forward in our authentic selves" in spite of the stereotype-laden muck we wade through daily.

We try to cleanse ourselves with overachievement and respectability, but we can never seem to erase the stain of misrecognition. And perhaps it's time we stop trying. The dance is exhausting and prevents us from living fully.

Because if I had one wish for all of Black womanhood, it would be to loose the chains that tie us to notions of our inevitable defeat. Unfortunately, I don't have a magic wand to heal the heartache that hundreds of years of maneuvering the confines of racist structures has caused.

The conservatism of our mothers, passed down through generations, causes us to look askance at the black woman who veers left. Whether it's her behavior, aesthetic or career choice that causes discomfort, we would be better served to enshroud her in revolutionary love, a love that fortifies and inspires.

If our ultimate goal is to cultivate greatness in our sisters and our daughters, we must recognize that it comes in all forms. A point I hope we can remember as we continue to contemplate how to build on the foundations the women who came before us laid.

Kimberly Foster is the Editor and Publisher of For Harriet. Email her at Kimberly@ForHarriet.com with comments or find her on Twitter.

Photo courtesy of Washington Post

There's Nothing Wrong With Being A 'Foul-Mouthed Female'

2012-02-02T00:00:00.000-05:00

I am a foul-mouthed woman. Despite the fact that I did not grow up in a home where swearing was encouraged--or even tolerated--once I got to be about 13, my friends would be hard pressed to hear me in conversation without dropping the f-bomb or the s-word. (I say friends because I was diligent about refraining from the language in front of my elders lest my mom come down on me with her unmistakable fury. She didn't play that. Ours was a Christian household.)

Now, a decade later, an encounter with me without a vulgarity is rare. For the moment, I'm off the sauce, drugs are bad, and I don't fornicate with nearly enough regularity, so the questionable language provides my release. It's good, not-so-clean fun.

I've contemplated giving it up. But why? Is my propensity for cuss words a poor reflection of my character? Fuck no.

According to some, women like me are a scourge on society. Our crude language and racy humor are corroding the moral fabric of America, a fabric which women are expected to mend.

Georgea Kovanis of the Detroit Free Press finds the rising acceptance of potty humor among the fairer sex offensive. She writes:

It's not that women are new to swearing or telling off-color jokes or repeating brutal gossip or engaging in bad behavior...It's just that now, many of us are loud and proud of it.

Natural biological functions and anatomy are apparently off limits too.

The piece opens with a series of recent scenarios meant to elucidate the depth of the problem. Joan Rivers mentions tampons on a morning show! Isn't that disgusting? Tina Fey and Jane Lynch make a dick joke at the Globes! How dare they? Miley Cyrus takes a picture with a penis cake! What about the children?

Women did not, as Kovanis concedes, just discover swear words and dick jokes. We have delighted in them privately since the dawn of time, but only recently has popular culture reached a point wherein women can indulge publicly and avoid life or career ruining social stigma. That's a good thing. With each generation, it gets better.

The dismantling of Victorian ideals provides cause for concern.

Being ladylike, it seems, is a thing of the past.

Oh, Georgea. How laughably anachronistic of you. The author and others of similar ilk conjure up an idyllic, imagined past where women provided the panacea for bad taste.

Yes, let's go back to the good old days when the broads knew their place, and all was right in the world.*sigh* I blame The Help.

We can move beyond the desire to be "ladylike." Hopefully, we're approaching an age of female self-definition. In which women feel free to define their womanhood for themselves and not by antiquated dictates of acceptable behavior.

Comedians like Kristen Wiig, Margaret Cho, and Mo'Nique do not relinquish their rights to womanhood because they dare to be lewd. Asserting such is sexist and ridiculous.

In truth, I'm not a huge fan of that particular brand of humor, (That's why I've avoided watching Bridesmaids despite the rave reviews. Watching someone move their bowels in the middle of the street is precisely what I don't need in my life.) but I loathe shallow, restrictive gender norms even more.

Not simply because they're largely nonsensical but because they're so unevenly applied. Is it a coincidence Kovanis' disappointment resides with the misdeeds of white women?

As a black woman, I could have surmised that screed wasn't directed toward me. Women of color have not historically been expected to adhere to the same standards of decency as white women. (Though, for better or worse, the Age of Michelle Obama may be changing that.)

Handwringing over the declining morals of society reveals an indictment of the increasing agency of formerly oppressed classes. Women are stepping out of the culture of shame. Misogynists find this to be problematic.

The question isn't why so many women are now comfortable using coarse language, but why are so many men and women intent to maintain the status quo that diminishes our liberty?

Women who express themselves in an "unbecoming" manner are not "following in the footsteps of men" as Kovanis writes. They are embracing their fullest, freest selves.

It's time to stop perpetuating faux concern about the dissolution of feminine morals. Women are getting fouler because we are getting freer. Deal with it.

Note: I do not ever refer to myself, or other women, as females in conversation. The title refers to Kovanis' original post.

Kimberly Foster is the Editor and Publisher of For Harriet. Email her at Kimberly@ForHarriet.com with comments or find her on Twitter.

Does BET's 'The Game' Hate Black Women?

2012-02-01T01:48:00.000-05:00

It's been over a year since The Game returned to television, and the comeback has been rocky. The story arcs lack depth and the dialogue lacks wit. But those missteps might have been forgiven had the show preserved the integrity of the characters we grew to love so much that we, the viewers, petitioned for months to revive. Not only did that not happen, but since it's return, The Game took a nasty misogynistic turn that has left many members of its Black, female viewership frustrated and confused.

A show that once centered around the fraught yet loving relationships of a trio of unlikely friends, has devolved into a replication of the same tired stereotypes Black women are fed at every turn. What spurred that creative decision? I doubt The Game's audience has changed since its days on network TV, and the team behind-the-scenes has remained largely intact. But the BET production now lives up to the network's reputation as a haven for Black woman bashing.

The women on the show are now merely plot devices. None of the characters are fully developed but the definition of the female characters seems malicious. Melanie's bizarre transformation this season provides a prime example.

The show's writers made some questionable choices with Mel in the past, but she was a woman whose eyebrow raising decisions were dictated by her complex and often messy circumstances. (Some of which she controlled, but many she did not.)That Melanie was relatable. This one is unredeemable. She's shallow and materialistic. The woman who worked her way through medical school is now ceaselessly vapid.

The infertility story line, however, concerns me more than anything. The show took some jabs at name brand religion this week, but the framing of Mel's struggle to conceive relies on the Gospel of slut-shaming taught by patriarchy and conservative religion. It is more than implied that her infertility is a punishment for past promiscuity. Despite the fact that one in three women will have an abortion in her lifetime, The Game's writers seem intent to perpetuate the negative stigma associated with, what is, a common medical procedure.

The Chardonnay storyline, meant to evolve Jason Pitts, provides even more cringe-inducing moments. Chardonnay couldn't simply be Jason Pitts' love interest; she has to be the link to his forgotten heritage. She's Chardonnay the Magic Negress ushering him to the Proud Black Man Promised Land. The character would be less maddening if heterosexual Black women were not expected to subvert personal work to become our fullest, freest selves in order to guide the maturation of our partners.

And then there's Tasha Mack. Not even her immaculate head scarf could distract from the offensiveness of her lonely black woman spiel to Jason in which she calls Steve Harvey a prophet. A prophet? The man who made millions exploiting the real pain and imagined deficiency of Black women. Tasha's grounded moments come in interactions with her son, but I deeply resent her overall coonification.

The frustration with which I watched last night's episode of The Game makes me wonder why I bother. Then I remember television and I have a dysfunctional relationship that borders on the abusive. The more shows I once loved hurt me, the more invested I become in their success. The Game, once a light comedy, is now a heavy handed dramedy that halfheartedly attempts to tackle deep issues within black communities without an ounce of nuance.

This is an official plea to flesh out the The Game's female characters. It's time for show to explore the fullness of their womanhood. Let them be women not caricatures.

Kimberly Foster is the Editor and Publisher of For Harriet. Email her at Kimberly@ForHarriet.com with comments or find her on Twitter.

10 Black-Woman Owned Fashion Businesses We Love

2012-01-31T00:00:00.000-05:00

Black women have been setting the trend from the very beginning. We've always been at the forefront of style, and now we're beginning to see that flare for fashion translated into entrepreneurial pursuits. Here's a list of a few of our favorite fashionpreneurs.

Bon Bon Vie
Rep your set with one of Shari's printed tees. But be sure to grab one now. They sell out fast.

Dauxilly
Dominique Auxilly designs dresses for the adventurous party girl. You won't find her aesthetic anywhere else. Her designs are fun, young and always fashion forward. A perfect splurge for your special day (or night).

E K I N E Y O
Designed by Nike Oyelami, celebrity favorite Ekineyo features figure hugging dresses and skirts you'll be reaching for the next time you have a night out.

Kill Pink
Entertainment blogger Miss Jia launched Kill Pink which features bold, affordable bracelets in late 2010. No matter what kind of mood you’re in, Jia’s got a bracelet to match. Soon Kill Pink will branch out with tees, leggings, and more so stay tuned!

Kouture By Kristin
Add a touch of glam to any outfit with a piece of sparkle from Kouture by Kristin. Mix and match classic and trendy pieces to suit your style.

Monif C.
Best known for her versatile convertible dresses. Monif C's designs have been featured in countless major media outlets and seen on a number of celebrities because of her dedication to making full fogured women look stunning.

Nakimuli
Tenille McMillan's bright, Afro-inspired accessories, leggings, and dresses are sure to get your noticed in a crowded room.

Rachel Stewart Jewelry
Celebrate your natural beauty with a piece of jewelry by Rachel Stewart. Her unique creations are a favorite of #TeamNatural

Soapbox Theory
Kayin Talton sees the beauty in blackness and pours it into her Soapbox Theory creations. From tees to bags to greeting cards, she provides plenty of ways to promote positive images of us.

Zoe Love
Zoe Love features necklaces and earrings inspired by the boldness of Black women and the beauty of the Diaspora. The designs are intricate and colorful--perfect if you’re looking for your next piece of statement jewelry.

Who did we miss? Leave a comment and let us know which fashion businesses you love!

Courage For Change: My Journey As A Black Transgender Man

2012-01-24T00:48:00.000-05:00

I just recently attended the 13th annual Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR) commemorating the violent deaths of transgender people across the world. I was absolutely blown away by the keynote address given by U.S. Congressman Alcee Hastings, but for me the evening’s emotional impact began several months back when on a trip to New York I visited the Stonewall Inn (Birth Place of the LGBT Movement In The U.S.) for the first time which I found odd considering that I was born, raised, came out in that city, and I had attended Stonewall 25 (celebrating the 25th anniversary of the Stonewall uprising).

As I entered the dark and narrow bar, I felt this energy course through my veins that was electric, and I could still feel the energy of revolution in the midst of the cocktail social hosted by HRC. As I began to tour the inn I took special notice of the historical photographs. Images of people who did not conform to traditional roles, men not only not afraid of, but flaunting their femininity, and I Got It!

As a person who was struggling with my own gender identity, and being afraid of being perceived as a freak (which duh, being a black, female-bodied cross-dresser with a bald head, 37 piercings and 14 tattoos didn’t make me freaky already!). I was afraid that presenting my truest self, as a man, would be the one thing that people could not handle...the thing that would push people over the edge and away from me. But as I looked at those images on the wall of transgendered womyn who were so daring to be themselves at a point and time when it was much less safe to do so than now, I thought to myself that we would not be where we are if they hadn’t dared to be who they are. I also felt the responsibility to live authentically so that next generation see’s possibilities. So I made the decision that night to fully, and publicly live in my truth no matter what.

I write this for my beloved, family, friends, and my community. As I am reflectively headed toward my 40th year on this planet and taking stock of what I desire for this part of my journey to look like; I realize that I can no longer live in a fear that has keep me from expressing myself fully as myself; as a transitioning transgendered man.

Transitioning from a black feminist dyke (from a lesbian separatist age) to Black transman (who is still a feminist) I get isn’t something that many who know me saw coming, but as my Dad said “who would really be surprised “?

I have often said that being born female bodied raised in a single parent household in a environment that lacked strong male representation but was rich in strong female role models probably saved my life. Because of the tenacity of the womyn I witnessed growing up, I knew that I could carve my own path and that path has lead me to a fuller understanding of myself. So, I will forever value, adore, and appreciate the power of the feminine.

I sat in the Transgender Day of Remembrance service listening to Congressman Hastings’ impassioned words as he reflected on the change he has seen South Florida, and particularly Broward County as it has transitioned from segregated to progressive, and the price paid by the oppressed and their oppressors for that change. I got once again that oppression, in all of its forms, is inter-connected and that our actual fear of change is the very link to all forms of oppression.

I also realized that whether it’s conservatives who want to “protect the sanctity of marriage,” or it’s the feminist lesbians who have known me as a part of this community for years and have expressed unwillingness to shift to male pronouns, the fear of change is a common link for us as a species. Sure if there is no change than there is not the challenge of changing, but then as well there is not the empowerment of growth either. It is our fears that keep us in the strongest most fortified prison of ourselves with no necessity for armed guards, iron bars Or steel doors while we play Warden over the liberty, justice, and happiness of other’s.

As citizens we declare in the pledge of allegiance a land with liberty and justice for all, but spiritually I don’t think that we get that we are entitled to certain inalienable rights as a unique, divine, unrepeatable creations we are entitled to joy, happiness, and fulfillment. Most times fulfillment is on the other side of change and the lesson in change is releasing our attachments to people, places, and things, because our level of challenge with change is proportionate to level of attachment to a particular outcome. The courage to CHANGE the things we can is not just a catchy line in a prayer it is a constantly unfolding mandate to continue to manifest our fullest ever evolving selves.

My family is not losing the experience of me as a daughter/sister, my womyn sister/friends are not losing the experience of me as a feminist womyn, and the community is not losing the experience of me as a “strong dyke”; but the new experiences of my now manifesting self would value the opportunity to be known as the man I feel blessed to be becoming.

My Dad told me he felt that for him “it’s not about who shows up at the table, but what they bring to the table.” Phil Wilson a leader I so value said, “People can’t love us if they don’t know us” and Congressman Hastings concluded his address that night with a call for guts. So I answer the call of these men who I hold dear to have the guts to let people know who I am by bringing my fullest self to the table. May we all manifest courage for change.

Bishop S.F. Makalani-MaHee is a Minister/Performing Artist. He makes his home in the South Florida area.

How to Use Gratitude to Bust-a-New Attitude!

2012-01-17T00:53:00.000-05:00

Recently, one of my mentees was having a really difficult time at work. The circumstances around her were leaving her feeling unappreciated, overwhelmed, disappointed and ready to throw in the towel.

Several weeks went by and I patiently listened and gave advice when asked. However, as the weeks passed she grew more and more stressed. Her tone of voice and language were so tightly wound they were practically standing at attention. Finally, 2 weeks ago I said to her "I want you to try a little gratitude and throw in some blessings." She looked at me with her eyebrows raised high as I went on to explain myself further. I asked her to agree to practice gratitude and blessing for two weeks. Each day at work she had to select someone and give them a handwritten note of appreciation. She also had to speak good blessings for her workplace and all of the people who worked there. She agreed to give it a try with her parting words "We'll see..."

Over the past week and a half I didn't hear a peep about how things were going, and then on th 8th day she tells me that everything in her office magically turned around. It turns out that unbeknownst to her, the main manager who had been making her life so miserable was days away from being fired and actually came to her admitting that she could have worked harder to build a partnership on their mutual project. And, one of her projects that was in need of a strong partner received the backing of another manager and now has the participants it needs.

Best of all, she reported that the persons that she'd given the appreciation cards to stopped by her office on the following day to tell her that the cards really meant a lot to them. She thanked me and called the exercise/challenge "Good stuff!"

So, the next time you're facing a really challenging situation apply a little gratitude and blessings and watch as the tides change direction!

written by Denise J. Hart, Creativity Life Coach known as The Motivated Mindset Coach. Denise is also the founder & Executive Director of The Performing Arts Training Studio located in WDC. Denise believes that ultimately our desire to discover our innate unique Mojo flow is all about experiencing MOre JOy! Visit her blog at www.motivationmama.com

How has adopting an attitude of gratitude improved your relationships?

The Recession Lesson Part II

2012-01-13T00:39:00.000-05:00

It’s hard to believe that it has been seven months since I wrote the “Recession Lesson” (to see part I, click here). Since then, everything (and nothing) has changed. My life is still on a precarious slope threatening to plunge, but there have been many beacons of light along the way.

I’m officially a writer now. In July, I started my own blog, “The Musings of T.C. Galltin”, where I share my thoughts, my writing, my life. Of course every blogger wants to reach millions. I haven’t achieved that level of fame, but I’m satisfied with the supportive people who drop by to share a slice of my life with me.

In October, after months of patiently waiting, my novel Zaire's Place was finally published. As I fingered my author copy, I shed a tear. You cannot begin to imagine what it’s like to hold your dream in your hands. After years of hoping and praying that I would find a publisher, my dream came to fruition and I was able to see the fruit of a long struggle.

While one dream was coming to pass, my home life was falling apart. My mother was suffering from lung cancer. At first, she got better and the doctors told us the cancer was in remission. The whole family celebrated, laughed, and cried, all while thanking God that my mother was going to get a chance to see her grandchildren get older. Then, in September, she took a turn for the worse and had to go to a nursing home because my family couldn’t care for her.

Sometimes, I can be the master of denial. I went on with my life as I stayed under my mother’s roof…went on promoting my book, taking care of my daughter, etc. “Nothing’s going to happen to Mama,” I thought. “She beat the disease before; she’ll beat it again.”

While she was gone, the family continued to fall apart. My siblings and I engaged in wars under my mom’s roof. My brother vandalized my car. My sister and her daughter beat me up. The list goes on. There’s nothing worse than grown adults fist-fighting. Nothing. It’s the basest thing “adults” can do. And it’s the last thing I wanted to do, but I had to defend myself.

Anyway, I continued to be in denial about my mom until a phone call shattered my wall of self-denial. At the end of November, my sister called to tell me that our mom was dead. Nothing can ever prepare you for losing a parent. To realize that your beginning has ended…to realize that the person who created you is gone…has got to be the most painful thing a human being can ever experience. Of course, losing the person you gave birth to has to be right up there with losing a parent. Hopefully, I won’t ever have to experience that. I pray everyday that I’m around to see my daughter get older.

I have made a modicum of peace with my mother’s death (as much as you can in a month of grieving). I know that she is here with us. Death is never final. Every time a light flickers, I think she’s near, letting my baby girl and me know that she’s watching over us. Every time I hear her favorite song, I know she’s near protecting us. As they say, “she’s gone but not forgotten.”

Eventually, I did manage to get financial help from Social Services. We even found out key details about my daughter’s father and it won’t be long before we catch up to him. I can’t wait until the day when I face him in court for child support.

I have grown more in love with my daughter everyday. Since I’m not close to my family and lost my mother, my daughter is all I have. She’s my blessing. When God sent her to me, He knew what He was doing, because after all that I’ve been through, I don’t think I would have been able to keep going if she wasn’t here.

I’m still being schooled by the recession…a personal recession that I’m patiently waiting to see the end of. With the death of my mom, my housing situation is very much up in the air. I have lost so much, but I know that with every loss, something is gained. Bad times don’t last forever and “it’s always darkest before the dawn”. I will come out of this recession stronger than I ever thought I could be and you will, too. You’ll see.

T.C. Galltin is the mother of one, a blogger and the author of Zaire's Place , a novel that explores the lives of three very different women at a domestic violence shelter in Baltimore, MD. Zaire’s Place is available in paperback, Kindle and Nook formats from Amazon and Barnes & Noble. To find out more about T.C., visit her websites at www.tcgalltin.com and www.themusingsoftc.blogspot.com.

On Heteropatriarchy, Presidents, and Families

2012-01-11T07:54:00.001-05:00

I've been reading a lot these days about polyamory. The theory itself is pretty convincing and so are the arguments against the heteopatriarchal myth of marriage:

"For instance, we may be in a relationship we are super into, but then want to have an experience outside that relationship with someone who shares a characteristic with us that our partner doesn't, whether that be race, language, age, class background, ability, trans identity, or something else. Our radical politics tell us we don't have to pretend that those things don't matter, and that we can honor the different connections we get to have we get to have with people based on shared or different identities. If we love our partners and friends, it makes sense that we would want them to have experiences that are affirming or important for them in those ways, and not let rules of sexual exclusivity make us into barriers for each other's personal development (For Lovers and Fighters, Dean Spade)."

I think in our minds, polyamory makes more sense to us. However, we've been socialized from the likes of parents, Disney movies, church, television shows, and of course, our Presidents.

What does it mean that only one of our U.S. Presidents have been unmarried (James Buchanan was engaged to be married before his fiancé died)? And that none of them have been married to someone outside of their race? Or that all of them have been Christian and heterosexual? What message does being married send to the American public?

A recent article in the L.A. Times about Mitt Romney focusing on his marriage to Ann Romney throughout his campaign and increasingly so, now that its almost time for the primaries, outlines the fact that Romney's marriage is evidence that he is a man of "steadiness and constancy."

It has been said that Romney is using this focus on marriage, in direct opposition to another candidate, Newt Gingrich, who has had three failed marriages; Republican voters cite it as the main reason why they might not vote for him. One woman interviewed said, in reference to Gingrich, "If you can't work at a marriage and make that work, how can you make the government work?" What does it mean that President Bill Clinton was impeached when it was found out that he had an extramarital affair?

Our society is rooted in capitalism. It is the fundamental building block of America and it is present in every corner of our lives. Therefore, it is no wonder then, that the wives of American presidents, particularly in this example of Mitt Romney are treated as the property of the President and by extension, the American public.

"The President is a product" and marriage is a huge part of the campaign for the Presidency. The American public must also fall in love with the wife. She is touted at events and speaks often during the campaign on behalf of her husband. Marriage, particularly in the case of the American presidency is a property arrangement, where the wife is sold to the American public as the perfect wife.

The marriage of the President to someone of his same race; one man, one woman, white picket fence as the traditional love story is essentially a myth, a message sent to the people of the world that this is success, this is what you should attain to. I'm not married, but in my experience, marriage doesn't last, monogamous relationships that follow this framework don't last, at least most times, statistics show and if they do, its probably not because both parties followed this stoic framework.

Andrea Smith, in her article, "Heteropatriarchy and the Three Pillars of White Supremacy" quotes Christian Right activist and founder, Charles Colson, "Marriage is the traditional building block of human society, intended both to unite couples and bring children into the world... the family, led by a married mother and father, is the best available structure for both childrearing and cultural health."

I've heard comments from black men, that a real woman is a woman like Michelle Obama, a woman who, they've never met, that this is they way it should be done, referring to a familial structure. Their marriage normalizes black heteropatriarchy. As I discussed here, black womyn are particularly oppressed under this institution of patriarchy.

Black womyn's worth is based "solely in terms of success at finding and keeping a romance, to brainwash women into spending all their time measuring themselves against this norm and working to change their bodies, behaviors, and activities to meet the requirements of being attractive to men and suitable for romance.

I see this myth as both personally damaging to people-in how it creates unrealistic expectations about ourselves and each other and causes us to constantly experience insecurity-and also politically damaging because its a giant distraction from our resistance and it divides us (especially based on the fucked up self-fulfilling stereotypes about how woman compete with each other.)...It's important to have a critique of the myth of romance that looks at how damaging it is to us in our personal lives, and how it is designed to fuel social arrangements, codified in law, that we invented to subordinate woman and make them into the property of men (Dean Spade)."

Womyn are socialized to do everything to fulfill the "perfect woman" myth to enter into the capitalist structure of a relationship, which is marriage, even diss other women, in order to help perpetuate categories of women that are acceptable and unacceptable for marriage.

The marriage of Barack and Michelle Obama is drooled over by the American public as well, particularly the Black American public. That's not particularly a bad thing either. Media, even black media, depicts black relationships as tainted and violent; Baby Boy is one example, not to mention that Chris Brown's violence against Rihanna received more media attention that any white man beating up his white wife. However, I believe that the near worship of Potus and Flotus' relationship is unhealthy, because its almost never accompanied by a real interrogation of the President's politics.

It's always "I love my President!", "I love them!", "They are so cute!" when we see a picture of them together or Barack talking about Michelle. This myth, adopted to a prominent black family, makes it easier for black people to adapt to it. Andrea Smith continues "heteropartiarchy is the building block of US empire. In fact, it is the building block of the nation-state form of governance."

Maybe its because a lot of us have grown up in communities "listening to their choice of baby mama anthems while using “baby daddy” as a term of endearment" like Janelle Harris, in this article describes. Perhaps we've grown tired of seeing poor, single mothers. But is marriage really the solution?

Of course, we wish that more dads would stick around after they've had a child with a woman. But as Smith says "Christian Right politics work through the private family (which is coded as white, patriarchal, and middle class) to create a 'Christian America.' She notes that the investment in the private family makes it difficult for people to invest in more public forms of social connection.

In addition, investment in the suburban private family serves to mask the public disinvestment in urban areas that makes the suburban lifestyles possible. " Therefore, marriage is seen as the solution to the struggling single mother, with no real movement for the social services necessary to make caring for a child as a single mother or even as a family possible.

In conclusion, whether choosing polyamory, monogamy, single hood or marriage, we must create our own ideals of family that include consciousness about our relationships with the community around us.

Malaka is an anti-sexual violence activist. She is in the process of starting a community organization, Youth Institute for Anti-Sexual Violence Activism. She was born in Los Angeles but wants to move to San Francisco ASAP. Read more from Malaka at her blog, Hip Hop Cheerleader.

Why Are Black Women Called Gold Diggers?

2012-01-10T12:25:00.000-05:00

For once let’s examine this issue outside of the celebrity realm and put it into a cultural perspective. It is only in black culture where women are unfairly labeled golddigger for expecting a man to be the provider. How dare a black woman have the same requirements women of other races traditionally live by?

I’m not talking about women who purposely only seek out ballers so they can live a life of luxury just because they are beautiful with a banging body and an expensive weave. I’m referring to the average black woman who believes in courtship and prefers her future husband to be financially secure, but society falsely accuses her of digging for gold.

Time and time again black women are told by other black women and men to lower their standards. Expecting a man to have financial security is almost as bad as wanting a man who dare I say, reads. Hill Harper expressed this philosophy best in the ABC Nightline Face Off segment where he shared the story of Michelle Obama seeing the potential in Barack. “That is dating potential,” Harper said.

Author/Activist/Journalist/Producer Pearl Jr. in her 2007 article “The Gold Digger Lie Leads to Black Male Failure” wrote:

“Labeling the Black woman as a gold digger has serious consequences that demote innate motivating factors for Black men to achieve and acquire. The gold digger lie is a deliberate distortion of gender roles and is another method to destroy Black love, which inevitably leads to Black male failure, and that is directly tied to Black race malfunctions.”

You see in today's time, Black men are confused as to their role in relationships. The Black man wants to acquire all that life has to give, but isn’t being motivated properly due to the promotion of the Strong Black Women, who can do everything by herself, which simply makes the Black man (eventually) feel inadequate and be a failure at doing what nature built him to do…

Tell Black men to spend every dollar he earns on meaningless items and White women, and he'll do that each and every chance he gets. Meanwhile, tell him if he spends one penny on a Black woman he is a fool and she is a gold digger, and he'll believe that even though there are no massive amounts of Black women living well from some Black man's money.

Most Black women live in the ghetto. Most White women live in big houses and are unemployed. I mean damn are they seeing the reality of life or believing the hype?Believing the hype about the Black gold digger simply stops the recycling of Black dollars and puts the money right back into the mans hands.”

Pearl Jr. is indeed making a gigantic leap from A to Z. However, there is some truth in her theory. Pearl goes on to explain that there are those black women who are living lavishly off some black man’s money, but the percentage is most likely five percent. Meaning 95 percent of black women are working, providing for themselves or contributing to the finances of their household.

“In reality, we Black women are the ONLY women that accept, love, give to, and have sex with men that have nothing. The proof is all around us. The single Black mother living in the ghetto is the woman that accepts Black men unconditionally.”

Pearl’s observation of black women being the only women who accept a black man for anything, yet have nothing in return, leads to the idea of this being a cultural issue exclusive only to blacks.

In accessing the golddigger phenomenon as a cultural issue I interviewed people of Asian, Indian, white, Hispanic and European descent.

Stuart McDonald, a white male, had this to say:

“Why do black women get such a bad rap for having standards? It seems as if they're almost expected to settle for whatever black man they can get (or go get them a white or Latino or Asian man). Having standards are a good thing; it's the having of baseless, hypocritical standards that are unhealthy.”

Riya Anandwala from Mumbai, India weighed in:

“From the standpoint of the Indian tradition, a family, even today, would want a very well-settled man for their daughter. The definition of well settled may differ from caste to caste, but the man has to earn well enough to feed the wife. To be entirely honest with you, my mother wants a guy who is well settled, earns a good salary, has securities such as a house, good savings. She will never let me get married to [a] man who doesn't earn "good enough." And I totally agree with her, because I want the same things. Now does that make me or my mother a gold-digger? No. This attitude of Indian parents and even children dates back to the old tradition of man being the head of the family.

They depend on their husband's salary, because that's the way it works. A lot of these women who want a good salaried guy also hail from a wealthy or upper middle-class family. But even if the woman's family is not that settled, they would want a guy better than what they are.”

German Vigil, a Latino male from El Salvador added:

“Black women are demonized as such “gold diggers” because of the materialistic needs that are imposed to them through the media. If you are good looking and have a great body like the video women then you should date a man that is a baller. Now the problem lies with black women, because they make it obvious that they are only with guys for money.

In my culture it is very necessary to provide for your family. It is the man’s sole responsibility. It is what creates him the head of the household. Ask yourself what woman does not want a man that can or have the means to take care of them. If you as a woman think you are so independent, would you date a man without a job or goals? But that’s another issue…”

So either we’re golddiggers or too independent. Got it.

Napoleon Harris (yes, that’s his real name), a black male chimed in:

“Brothers may very well be suffering from some Willie lynch shit, and for that reason be unconsciously drawn to other races. As a result sisters get unfair flack for trying to marry up. Also, some brothers may feel slighted if he isn't up enough for the sister to desire him. It is then that the self-hate may kick in and say well to hell with you any way... you gold digger. Whereas when an Indian woman or an Oriental woman or even a white woman does the same thing he feels like he just wasn't her cup of tea.”

Linshan Li from China added:

“Most Chinese women are under a lot of economic pressures and they are looking for a man who can provide them with some semblance of financial security. That does not equal to "material girl" who has insatiable desire for diamonds or Louis Vuitton purses, who treats her husband as a walking ATM machine. They do want to "dig" some "gold" from their future husbands, but only hoping to make sure that they'll have a decent life, that means to have enough money to buy a roof over their heads and enjoy some pleasures of life, to have enough money for their future child's education and their health care and retirement. It is common that a Chinese man has to provide a house/condo/apartment for the marriage before the girl he wants to marry says yes.”

Andrew Anderson from Sheffield, England shared his view on the topic:

“The idea of a woman marrying a man for money is fairly common, moreso than the idea of a man marrying a woman for the same reason (toy boy/kept man). The most famous example I can think of is Anna Nicole Smith, or Debbie Daniels in England. I can't say it is associated with race in England.

The concept of a woman marrying for money is far more prevalent, and I don't think it is viewed in a negative light. Marriage is traditionally seen as the coming together of two people who will be greater than the sum of their parts, rather than as something you do for love - love grows out of it, or at least respect.

If someone had come up to me in the street and said "which group do you most associate with gold-digging?" I would have said white, middle class women...or Jewish women.”

There you have it. Our men are the only ones who buy into the idea that if a man pays for a $30 spa treatment he is “tricking” and she is a golddigger for even asking for such pleasantries. Granted a spa is not a necessity, but it seems black folks are the only ones subscribing to the concept of women being a golddigger for wanting anything that causes a man to pull out his wallet.

Both black men and women have to deprogram our mentalities from all of the bull we’ve been taught that promotes the white hierarchy. The golddigger phenomenon may seem harmless, but it has tremendous affects on the way we view one another.

Why are black women typically labeled as golddiggers more than any other race of women? What is the difference between what Riya from Mumbai described or what Tanisha from the Bronx expects? How do we move past all the labels and reignite healthy black relationships?

- Bene Viera

Stop Wasting Your Time Telling Me I'm An Unattractive Black Woman

2012-01-09T00:17:00.000-05:00

In 2012, it is time to pull the boxing gloves on for the full and final round of the thick versus fat fight debate. Since joining the Twitter community in early 2011, I have been witnessing women of all shapes, sizes, and frames, battling it out about what each term means and how it should be applied based on a woman's proportions.

According to most tweople that I've witnessed battling back and forth about it, Nicki Minaj is considered thick and shapely while Mo'Nique and Gabourey Sidibe live on the other end of the spectrum -- fat and unattractive. Though these debates have been entertaining to read and comment on, for the life of me, I can't figure out who established themselves as the judge of thickness compared to fatness or WHY it matters!

As a full figured woman who happens to be amazingly gorgeous (if I do say so myself), I am offended at the thought that the measure of my beauty is based upon my the length of my waist and the relation between my waist size and hip span. In the "Barbie" era where physical appearance is more cherished than intelligence, I have grown tired of women being judged based on what they have to offer physically rather than what matters in the long haul -- fortitude, intellect, dedication, and love.

I'm often referred to as thick and if I were paid $5 for every time I've heard the overused line, "You're not that fat girl. You're solid," I would be a millionaire thrice over by now. Granted, I am very -- for lack of a better word -- solid. I am proportioned well and thanks to the power of my beloved girdles (which I encourage all plus-sized divas to invest in), when I am gliding down the street, my rolls aren't busting all over the place. This can also be attributed to the fact that I buy clothes that actually fit well and accentuate my greatest physical assets. However, I digress.

Being referred to as thick and/or fat doesn't bother me because I embrace who I am. When I look in the morning every morning and tell myself, "Evette, you are beautiful. You are worthy of all great things. I love you," I see a gorgeous woman not defined by her weight or society's expectations of how I "should" look. I realize all that I have to offer the world and I invest in those qualities rather than the superficial characteristics that our society seems to cherish. When men -- even boyfriends -- drool in front of the television while Melyssa Ford and other video models bounce their breasts in music videos, I am not bothered by it because I've never been shunned or devoid of love because my stomach is almost as large as my behind.

What bothers me most about the comparison between "thick" and "fat" is where this ideal stems from and how it is beginning to define women and their value as it did the Hottentot Venus, an African woman who was put on display because her large bottom and long labia were appealing to European men. Women have more to offer the world than their curves and it's about time we embraced that instead of arguing over Twitter about the differences between Mo'Nique and Nicki Minaj.

Besides, there is fine line between being thick and fat. In fact, thick and fat can co-exist together. Now, don’t twist this concept. I realize that Melyssa Ford’s “ideal” proportions can never be compared to my 40-40 something-40 something measurements. I might be a tad bit outrageous, but I am far from pyschotic (thanks Mama Jones!) All I’m saying is that it is possible for a woman to be over the ideal weight and still be considered “thick.”

I’m well into the 180/200-pound range and I’m still hearing the “You are not fat. You’re just solid” speech, so who determines the difference between thick and fat again? The moral of this blog post is, never allow your value to be determined by society’s labels. Whether you are thick, fat, obese, or whatever other title has been placed on you to define your weight, don’t let those labels define YOU!

Evette Dionne is a senior attending Bennett College in Greensboro, North Carolina. Her writings focus on issues relevant to full figured women, such as the economics of plus-sized fashion and self-esteem. She is the editor-in-chief of BELLE, Bennett's student magazine and a contributor for BettyConfidential.com, HBCU Buzz, Full Figured News and Urban Cusp. Check out her blog (www.lifefashioncurves.blogspot.com) and follow her on Twitter (@LuvEvetteDionne)

Black Women’s Confidence, Self Image, and the Problem of Mixed Messages

2012-01-06T01:10:00.000-05:00

For the last two months or so, I have been seeing a number of articles on studies/surveys that confirm the apparently unusually high levels of self-esteem among black women (especially “curvier” black woman). Maybe two years ago I would have bookmarked it as some sort of inner validation and affirmation of black beauty and self-love against all odds, but I call foul now and even some of my peers are picking up that something “just ain’t right” about these messages.

First it was the Glamour.com study on whether women loved their hair. Using a sample size of 1000 women, the study concluded that:
- 7% of all women love their hair
- 14% of Black women love their hair (just a mere 7 points higher)

The study also included a few other known things, like the fact that many women will miss out on great events due to a bad hair day and we spend more time primping and prepping than even trying to get sleep (*raises hand for setting alarm for 5am alarm to unravel a braidout before work*). The study’s findings were not really surprising, but the fact that Black women in particular were polled and scored higher points for loving their hair has to mean something, doesn’t it?

Then there was the “Black Women Have Amazing Confidence, Survey Shows” headline I saw while browsing through BlackGirlLongHair.com. Allure Magazine surveyed 2000 men and women on what beauty means in the 21st century. They came to a number of conclusions about men loving older women and people appreciating curves but not wanting them personally. The one thing that raised my eyebrows was this:

AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMEN HAVE KILLER CONFIDENCE
When asked about their personal attractiveness, African-American women were three times as likely as Caucasian women to rate themselves at the hot end of the spectrum.

Who are these women? I do not believe them… they need a whole lot more people.

These type of articles surface maybe 5 times a year and we (Black women) get a chance to chime in on how much we love our curves, our butts, and our beautiful skin shades. Then maybe a week or two later, an article surfaces about how black women are single because they are more overweight than other groups and just to add something else into the bag of tricks, another article on the Color Struck Olympics appears and the tone of comments changes.

Oh and let us not forget the e-drama from this past summer caused by Satoshi Kanazawa’s post titled, “Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?” Never in my short 20something life have I seen more black women in an uproar, I mean never ever before had I seen them so passionate about anything, so I guess if there is something to be passionate about… it better be your presumed level of attractiveness to a bunch of strangers.

Anyway, all of this has been on my mind lately. I have no doubt in my mind that Black women collectively believe in ourselves, but I am having a difficult time figuring out whether we are (for the most part) lying to ourselves about being confident and loving everything we’ve got, from our toes to the last real hair on our heads or is someone else pulling the strings in this puppet play tentatively titled “Tyler Perry Presents The Makings of a Real Black Woman: Curvy and Confident.”

I have asked myself, what do a bunch of somewhat connected magazines, blogs, and news sites (that recycle this info) have to gain from these type of studies and stories, outside of a temporary increase in unique page views and some of the “My Black is Beautiful” advertising money? And at the same time, what the hell are we lying for? Because if our collective comments on these topics meant anything, it would be that we are not fooling anyone… we do not really like ourselves that much. From the continual shade I see on twitter against our sistren, the attacks on our personhood, and the self-loathing sessions even I have participated in with my girlfriends, I know that we do not completely hate ourselves, but loving is not the perfect word to describe the relationship either.

I want us to “win” and I want us to be genuinely happy and love ourselves. I have read the “fake it til you make it” advice tips on confidence (even personally trying to employ it Monday-Friday) but I am not convinced that it is working for us. Waking up every morning and saying, “I really love the skin I am in” is a very powerful statement, but we will obviously need to go much deeper because the fact that we need to even tell ourselves that means something else is missing.

All of this considered, I am now wondering how the mixed messaging is affecting us. The constant tug-of-war between messages of love and loathe can leave even a moderately confident person confused about themselves. Of course a few articles here and there should not be earth-shattering and make you question where you stand in social rankings, but take a look at comments on Essence.com or other women’s sites like Clutch.com and you will see how butt-hurt we are about pretty much everything, from our hair choices to our ability (or inability) to prepare a home-cooked meal from scratch.

What do you think? Is there a problem with the mixed messages and how do you think it is affecting black women?

akudo chigozie is a Chicago native who works full-time in media advertising and writes at ShesGottaWriteIt.com. Follow her on twitter @shegottawriteit.

Abundance - 5 Ways to Get Rich Quick

2012-01-05T10:57:00.000-05:00

Once you start changing your thoughts to believe there is enough love and success to go around in this world, your realities will change drastically. I've been working on this for a long time, and like any other change, this can't happen overnight. When I think back, however, I realize that I've changed drastically. Even as a "positive person", most of my thoughts were centered on lack. We can change this pattern if we make up our minds to do so. In order to become rich, abundance must first be an experience in our minds.

1. Start and end the day with gratitude. Many of us were raised to pray daily. But how were we taught to pray? I can remember always praying for things. I would give thanks, but I was always praying for God to intervene and fix something. However you choose to center yourself and connect with Spirit, whether it's prayer or other methods, be sure to focus your energy on gratitude for everything that is going on in your life. Be thankful for the awareness that everything that happens is natural and beneficial. Pray for strength and peace no matter what situations evolve.

2. Manage jealousy and competitiveness. There is enough love to go around. I think I should say that again - there is enough love to go around. Instead of feeling jealous of someone else's success, be motivated by it. Convert any negative energy into positive energy by giving compliments and supporting those who are doing what you want to do. If you are waiting to meet that special someone, and it seems that everyone around you is coupling up and getting married, don't let those yucky feeling get the best of you. Be patient and faithful, believing that this is just one aspect of your life and the best thing you can do to attract someone special to work on yourself. Jealousy will create bitterness inside of you, which won't attract anything good!

3. Trust that you have all the money you need. This is a tough one. We all want more money, don't we? Until we learn to manage and appreciate what we have, we will not successfuly gain and MAINTAIN more. I've struggled with money management for most of my adult life, and have just started cleaning things up in the last couple years. I would spend money as if it was literally going to run away from me if I didn't hurry up and spend it. This comes from a mentality focused on lack. When we adopt a mentality of abundance, we always have enough and we create the space to have more. Try it and see for yourself.

4. Make your dream your most habitual thought. Instead of your thoughts centering around unpaid bills, loneliness, an unfulfilling job - think about the life that you want. Think about it all the time. See it. Dream it. Feel it. Imagine how it will feel to make your dreams become reality. You may not know how it will happen exactly, but you should spend ample time thinking about why this is the life you want to lead and use these thoughts as motivation. Take steps in the right direction and don't give up. This is the determined path of winners - they work through their fear of failure and believe in their dreams religiously.

5. Learn to be a giver. Even when you think that you have nothing left, give. Whether it's your time, a kind word, or a sympathetic ear. Learning to give will set you up to be ready and worthy to receive. When we cling to ourselves and our things, we are once again embracing the idea of lack. Don't listen to the messages that dominate this world and tell us that there is not enough and we must cling to our own. When we give our time and our energy to each other, we create a cycle of generosity that gets bigger and bigger as more of us adopt this philosophy. When you think of yourself as rich, and you give as though you were rich, you will receive in kind.

GG Renee is a writer, consultant, and advocate for the success and emotional well-being of the modern woman. She infuses the concepts of self-love and personal development into everything she writes. Based in the Washington DC area, she does relationship management for a financial services company by day; while her free time is filled with writing, networking and pursuing everything her heart desires. She believes it is her calling to be a persistent voice that speaks joy back into the hearts of women. GG is one half of the duo behind the happiness blog, Peace Love and Pretty Things. She also shares her personal journey of transformation on her blog, The Write Curl Diary.