For Lorelai

Know Thyself

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 21:15:00 +0000

I went to a funeral when I was about 21. A woman from the church had died after a long illness. I didn't know her well, but I knew her son. It was really my first funeral and the first time I thought about how I would be remembered when I die. I sobbed through the whole thing, which was odd, since I wasn't very close to the family.

I thought of the words that were important to me and pictured them on my headstone:

Loving

Giving

Joyful

Overall, I just wanted to think I would be remembered as a person who would be missed, I suppose. That people would smile when they thought of me.

One word that did not occur to me was brave or courageous. I usually associate those words with a person who fights, like soldiers, or those who risk their lives in pursuit of something amazing. I didn't think it really applied to me, or was even very important to me.

Now, I finally realize that to be any of the things I listed, first I must be brave. A coward does not fall in love and share their life with someone. A coward does not take out ridiculous student loans in hopes of having a fulfilling career. A coward does not have the strength to tell someone they love them if they are not sure it will be said back to them. A coward does not risk their heart, money, time.

The truth is, even the good things that we think should come easily to us require courage. We will be disappointed, but looking at the chances I have taken, I have never regretted being brave, even when I lost in the end. The things I regret are the times that I lost before I even started.

Gratitude

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 19:30:00 +0000

I am not a Christmas person and in general autumn is my least favorite season. One of the things I do like about it, though is that it feels like a good time to reflect on the year and focus on being grateful. (I do like all of the yummy food, as well - pecan pie! sweet potatoes! pumpkin everything!) There was a great article in the New York Times on the science of the benefits of gratitude.

One study has people keep a gratitude journal and found this:
"The gratitude journal was brief — just one sentence for each of the five things — and done only once a week, but after two months there were significant effects. Compared with a control group, the people keeping the gratitude journal were more optimistic and felt happier. They reported fewer physical problems and spent more time working out.
Further benefits were observed in a study of polio survivors and other people with neuromuscular problems. The ones who kept a gratitude journal reported feeling happier and more optimistic than those in a control group, and these reports were corroborated by observations from their spouses. These grateful people also fell asleep more quickly at night, slept longer and woke up feeling more refreshed. "

If there was one major lesson I learned in 2011, it is to be grateful, to put real energy into reflecting on the things I am so lucky to have. Top of that list is always you, Lorelai. I think I would be just a kite floating in the wind if I didn't have you to keep me linked to the rest of the world. Every day I am amazed by you.

I have learned this year to be grateful, not just for the love, abundance, amazing people and the beautiful world around us, but also for the pain and sadness. Sadly, I know that the lessons I have learned about having compassion for other people and for myself were only learned through suffering. I hate that it has to be that way, but I know more than ever that I am strong and I have much, much more to learn. I just hope I am able to be a person worthy of being your mommy, and a good friend, daughter, sister and partner.

Love,
Mama

Thinking

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 04:21:00 +0000

Lorelai, you are so smart. How did you come up with that idea? "I just thunk about it." Hm. Are you sure that's how you say that? "Oh! I mean I thinked about it!"

Love can mend your life

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 05:33:00 +0000

But love can break your heart.

Way to bring it back to sugar

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 21:25:00 +0000

Background: My Mom (Lorelai's Oma) has freckles (kind of everywhere).
Lorelai to Oma: You are like a cupcake!

Oma: Why?

Lorelai: Because you have sprinkles on you!

...I love that girl.

Sneaky genius

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 03:57:00 +0000

Lorelai has been learning how to play a lot of games on my phone and often asks me if she can play while I am driving. She had figured out all kids of different games, which I think is quite amazing considering she can't read any of the words.
A few weeks ago she and I went to California to visit Susan, Eric and Addy-poo and both girls were in the backseat of the car and Lorelai had my phone. A couple days later I found these pictures:

Our Song

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 04:42:00 +0000

When I first brought you home from the hospital I realized I didn't know any lullabys. I guess I thought I would just remember them once I was rocking you to sleep, but the only songs I could think of seemed too sad or just not right for a baby. Then, all of a sudden I realized I knew all of the words to "The Circle Game" by Joni Mitchell. That became the song I sang to you every night for four years and you still ask for it sometimes. You call it "yesterday when I was a baby." The Circle Game by Joni Mitchell Yesterday a child came out to wonder Caught a dragonfly inside a jar Fearful when the sky was full of thunder And tearful at the falling of a star Then the child moved ten times round the seasons Skated over ten clear frozen streams Words like when you're older must appease him And promises of someday make his dreams And the seasons they go round and round And the painted ponies go up and down We're captive on the carousel of time We can't return we can only look Behind from where we came And go round and round and round In the circle game Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now Cartwheels turn to car wheels thru the town And they tell him take your time it won't be long now Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down And the seasons they go round and round And the painted ponies go up and down We're captive on the carousel of time We can't return we can only look Behind from where we came And go round and round and round In the circle game So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true There'll be new dreams maybe better dreams and plenty Before the last revolving year is through And the seasons they go round and round And the painted ponies go up and down We're captive on the carousel of time We can't return we can only look Behind from where we came And go round and round and round In the circle game © Siquomb Publishing Company

Trusting yourself

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 02:11:00 +0000

Today I want to share something that I heard in church yesterday. By the way, you reall like going to church and they call you the glitter girl and always have the arts and crafts ready for you - it is so nice.

Anyhow, Joel, the pastor, was talking about what he says when people ask him what they should do. He tells them that they already have the heart and the mind to find the answer. It can be so difficult to learn how to trust yourself to do the right thing and I do sometimes wish I had a crystal ball to know which path to choose.

I do know that as I make more of an effort to take deep breaths and meditate to clear my mind it is often much easier to know which way your heart is leading you.

You can always ask your Mama for advice, as well.

Love,
Mama

Just Be

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 03:36:00 +0000

"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy." Guillaume Appollnaire

It is Sunday night and you are home from your papi's house. I always feel so relieved when you come home and I can see your beautiful smile and we can do a "project" together. Tonight we made a bracelet out of beads and spelled your name on it. We also made a fire and roasted three marshmallows for you to eat.
It finally feels like summer is over and you have begun your Christmas list for Santa. An adult in the house added Curvoisier to the list, so we'll see if Santa makes that in the North Pole...

I chose this quote tonight because it can be so difficult to take a step back and remember how lucky we are. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world to have you as my daughter and to have a job and a car and a fireplace and marshmallows. You are in the bathtub right now splashing and singing and so content. Having you around reminds me that we should be enjoying life in the midst of all of this working to make it better all the time.

Seeing your little sassy self laughing makes me happy.

I love you,
Mama

Movies

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 04:37:00 +0000

This is a quick post. It is Saturday night and I have just returned from a walk to the Liberty Market in "downtown" Gilbert. Very beautiful, crisp evening, but five miles is a lot for this old lady.

Anyhow, on the way we were discussing movies we would take with us on a desert island, so I thought that would be a fascinating topic for a blog post.

Mine are:
- The Princess Bride
- Hope Floats
- Moulin Rouge
- The Bridges of Madison County
- The Graduate

Of these, you are already a fan of Moulin Rouge :o)

Love,
Mama

Joyce Carol Oates

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 02:55:00 +0000

One of my favorite authors is Joyce Carol Oates. The first book I ever read of hers was Because It Is Bitter and Because It Is My Heart and then We Were the Mulvaneys. It is strange, but what I really liked about both of these books was that they dealt with subjects I have always hated to explore or even think about, and they also in some ways made me sympathetic with the antagonist. In a way, it almost takes courage to read about deep pain and loss, but in a novel it is an easier way to broach the subjects. Luckily, she publishes new books nearly every year, so there is plenty to read when you fininsh one. I have to say, some of the short stories are more difficult for me, as they tend to get right to the sad or scary parts and then end. So I have stuck with the novels, which can be very long and engrossing, my favorite kind. My favorite book by Oates so far is The Gravedigger's Daughter, which was quite painful at times, but worth it.

One of the reasons I think it is valuable to face our fears and think about subjects that make us uncomfortable is that we cannot be available to people we love who are in pain if we are afraid to see it.

A quote from Pem Chodron:
"Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us. The trick to doing this is to stay with emotional distress without tightening into aversion, to let fear soften us rather than harden into resistance."

I feel as though I have just started to learn to do this, but I am getting braver, I promise.

And the third day...

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 22:38:00 +0000

... She ran out of things to talk about.

Just kidding! But it has been a rough Thursday. This is the beginning of your weekend with your daddy, which happens every other weekend and is very difficult for me. It seems to have been difficult for you as well and I am truly sorry for that. It makes me even sadder.

So, a quote:

"The biggest mistake that any of us can make is to believe what other people say about us" ~ Madonna

This, I think, is a life long journey, to know yourself enough to ignore others' opinions of you. I think this is especially true for girls, who are raised to be "pleasing" and "sweet." I do think these qualities are valuable and I do strive for them. The trick is in finding the part of ourselves that is pleasing and sweet naturally, instead of looking to others to tell you what that should look like. Of course, when I talk about these qualities, I mean to the people that are important to you, and you choose who they are. They don't have to be your family or co-workers, they can be whomever you decide you want to care for and hopefully those people will care for you, too. Anyone else's opinion doesn't matter at all.

For the record, Lorelai, I will always think you are the most amazing person I have ever known and there is nothing you could do to change that. I love you with all my heart and if I could ensure you would love yourself in the way that I love you, I would do anything to make it happen.

As Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind."

Very early, I knew that the only object in life was to grow.

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 23:03:00 +0000

"Very early, I knew that the only object in life was to grow." Margaret Fuller (1810-1850)

This last year has been one of a lot of growth. As anyone who has done a lot of growing knows, this also means it has been a painful year. I have learned so much about myself and realized that I have held onto beliefs my entire life that are simply not true. Realizing how I let these beliefs shape my life and my relationships has been very enlightening and, in some ways, sad.

Over this month of blogging I want to explore what some of those ideas have been because I want to help you learn these lessons earlier than I did.

One of the first and most important (and seemingly obvious) that finally hit me this year is that Life Is Not Fair. It just isn't. The sooner you let that idea go the better off you will be. When the thought comes into my head that "it just isn't fair" I try to bring myself back to focusing on what I am really upset about and how I can change the way I am looking at it to be able to accept it.

Good Luck with this one.

Love,
Mama

Let's try this again (NaBloPoMo)

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 22:43:00 +0000

I am going to attempt to post everyday in November as part of National Blog Posting Month. I tried this in 2009 and made it 19 days.

This year, I shall begin again with a picture of Lorelai in her Halloween costume. As you can see, she was much more excited this year than she was two years ago:

She was Bat Girl and was the most adorable kid of all the trick or treaters. After getting a full pumpkin bucket of candy, she helped to hand ours out. She stood on the porch with her green vampire teeth. When I asked her how it was going she said "I am trying to scare people with my vampire teeth, but it isn't working even a tiny, tiny bit!"

Her cousin Genevieve was with us, dressed as a slice of watermelon. Her costume was already off when we took this picture, but she is so sweet anyway.

34

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 21:42:00 +0000

Today is a very special day: It marks the official beginning of the eating season!

*also*

Today is my 34th birthday. I thought I would make a list of 34 intentions for the coming year.

Here goes:

1. Finish my Master's degree (almost done!)
2. Find a way to make that degree useful (any ideas??)
3. Do more yoga
4. Walk the LA Marathon next March with Susan
5. Actually be prepared to walk the marathon, meaning to follow my training schedule
6. Set aside time each day to focus on Lorelai in a way that she knows she is the most important place I want to put my attention
7. Learn to meditate effectively
8. Continue to look for ways to integrate thoughtfulness about the present into each thing I do, like starting the day by reading the Daily Word.
9. Take a beginner's knitting class
10. Focus on compassion for others and myself
11. Recognize when I am not being authentic and try to refocus myself on what I truly feel “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice, heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” - Steve Jobs
12. Write more, whether by making more meaningful blog posts or keeping a journal
13. Continue to practice and improve in photography
14. Laugh everyday
15. Focus more attention toward relationships and connection by writing letters and making phone calls
16. Allow myself to be silly more often
17. Make more time for reading and not feel guilty for reading purely for enjoyment
18. Read "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" by Lewis Carroll. For some reason it has been popping up a lot in reading and conversation, so I take that to mean the Universe is nudging me. Also, I just read that one of my favorite authors, Joyce Carol Oates, was very inspired by that book.
19. Have FUN, intentionally. Even if I have to plan it and make time, just find ways to be relaxed and happy and experiencing things instead of waiting for fun things to just happen OR feel bad about taking time for fun. I don't want to be like the White Queen and only have jam tomorrow.
20. Spend some time at the beach in the summer and in the snow in the winter.
21. Be outside as much as possible. These next six months in the desert are so amazing. I need to remember to take five minutes to drink my coffee or eat dinner outside and listen to the birds.
22. Not be so invested in the outcome of my actions, but recognize that I can only control myself, I can't control anyone else
23. Cook more for fun and learn to cook new things. Maybe some Indian or Thai dishes?
24. Reflect on what people tell me about myself, good or bad, and decide if I believe it or need to work on it.
25. Listen more intently to what people are saying, and make an effort not to think about myself while they are talking
26. Be less critical of myself and other people. "At the end of the day and at the end of my life, I want to know that I contributed more than I criticized." - Brene Brown
27. Look for beauty in anything and share it, even if I think others will think I am silly. “Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it” - Confucius
28. Remember that love is always greater than fear and I can choose which I feed.
29. Eat less sugar
30. Not let the idea that something seems impossible stop me from exploring how to do it
31. Be open to the new things I will the experience this year, even though I can't imagine them right now
32. Be available to people who need me, and know that they are available when I need them
33. Create more pretty stuff
34. Read this list every now and then

Catching up on summer

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 18:22:00 +0000

This summer has gone by so quickly and there have been tons of things I wanted to record for you. While I haven't been that great at blogging, I am able to post some of your adorableness to facebook. Here are some recent posts:

I posted a picture of you getting ready for your first dance class:

A picture of some of your clay creations:

One of you in ballet class:

My comment on this one was that you are the one break dancing instead of doing ballet. Actually, though, you are loving taking dance classes and are following along really well. I am so proud of you.

My very favorite post so far is this note that you wrote me a few days ago:

You are learning to sound out words and constantly trying to figure out how to read and write. I hope this is the first of many love notes we write to each other. Just looking at this makes my heart a little bigger.

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 04:34:00 +0000

Lorelai is in California with her daddy so I needed some little girl love. Here is cousin Genevieve.

Easter headband

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 02:22:00 +0000

Lorelai brought home the pieces to make an Easter headband. Tonight she cut out the pieces and taped them together with painter's tape (we were out of glue).

I thought it had four ears, but I was wrong. They are SPACESHIPS.

I love your spaceship headband, baby!

Quote

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 16:02:00 +0000

"It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding."

- Erma Bombeck

Becoming a mother has helped me to be more compassionate. Thank you, Lorelai for being the sweetest, smartest, most beautiful girl I could heave hoped for. I am learning so much from you.

Lorelai's first flight

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 00:06:00 +0000

Lorelai, Oma and mommy went to Colorado to visit Aunt Martha.

So...

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:48:00 +0000

It has been almost nine months since I posted anything. I am so sorry - but I have still been taking hundreds of photos of Lorelai and will start posting some.

Lorelai, there has been so much happening these last nine months, a lot of it things I will be trying to explain for many years to come. What I want to say now is that this has been the most difficult time of my life, but I have learned so many important lessons and I hope I will be able to help you learn them earlier than I did.

What I do know is that your father and I both love you more than ever and we promise to work hard to make sure you have a happy, carefree childhood. You are my beautiful girl and nothing ever could change that.

In the meantime, here are some of the funny things Lorelai has been saying:

Last night we sat down to eat. Lorelai was listing the beverages we could have with our dinner.
- Water
- Apple Juice
- Milk
- Soda (which she doesn't drink)
and last but not least
- "Ice Cold Beer"
I wish I could say she got this from a commercial, but we don't have television anymore, so that isn't it. Who knows? I am actually surprised she didn't include wine in the list.

Her favorite new saying (when I ask her to brush her teeth or put on her shoes):
"You ALWAYS make me do EVERYTHING!" usually said with slumped shoulders and stomping for effect.

God, I love that girl.

Sarah's Shower

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 04:42:00 +0000

Today we hosted a baby shower for our good friend Sarah. It was so much fun making decorations and recipes I got from the beautiful internet. Internet - I love you!

Here are some pictures: (I had hoped to take more - Sorry Sarah).

The favors (cupcakes in jars) that Lorelai helped me make:

Some of the people:

The cake table and baby clothes people decorated for baby A.J.:

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 00:09:00 +0000

Lorelai had her first visit to the dentist yesterday. She was very excited because as you know she loves doctors. It went pretty smoothly. Dr. Schauwelker was great and showed her all the instruments he was using by demonstrating on her fingernail what they each did. The X-rays were not meant to be but most adults I know can barely handle those either. I was so proud of her!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone

If you don't have anything nice to say...

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 04:52:00 +0000

Don't say anything at all. Hence, I have not posted in a while.

It's not that things are so bad, just that I am having trouble focusing on the other things. This will all be resolved soon, I'm pretty sure, and when it is I will have some happy posts with pictures from our trip to see Aunt Lawanda and to the cabin. Also, we have a trip to California lined up and a few days in Mexico. Surely, that will perk me up!

In the meantime, I am doing homework in another tab of this browser for an HR class I am taking as part of my Graduate program. The teacher asked about SB 1070 on the discussion board so I thought I would post my thoughts here since I haven't mentioned it (hint: it is one of the things contributing to my dip in feelings of well-being).

Here's the question and my answer:
Within our course, how is SB 1070 impacting each of you at this time? After July 29 and forward assuming that it does go into effect as planned, how will affect Arizona employers? What do you predict will be the long term impact on Arizona from this legislation?

I agree with others that the best we can hope for with this is that it will lead to the immigration reform everyone has been calling for. The reason people risk their lives to come to this country is to work. The reason they do this illegally is because there is no legal path for the type of labor illegal immigrants do. If there were, it would be less than paying a coyote and much less risky, so people would come the legal way.

My understanding of SB1070 is that it does nothing to enforce laws requiring employers to verify status (that is already in place and e-verify is required in Arizona). What it does is REQUIRE police who suspect someone they come into contact with of being illegal to prove their status. This does not just mean people suspected of a crime, but witnesses and victims as well. This is the worst part of the new law. If they don't question someone a citizen thinks they should have questioned, that person can then sue the agency, so Arizona tax dollars will be spent even more on frivolous law suits.

Personally, I do feel that my life is impacted by this law. My husband emigrated here from El Salvador. He is a citizen now, but if anyone would be suspected of being illegal based on their appearance and accent, it is him. Even before this law I was afraid of him being pulled over by a Sheriff and taken in on an immigration hold because he doesn't keep his passport or naturalization certificate with him. I have heard stories of people being taken in on these holds on a Friday and not released until Monday because the USCIS was closed over the weekend. What if our daughters were with him at the time? Now, I feel this even more - just seeing a police officer makes me nervous and I certainly don't "look illegal." I was raised in the suburbs and until I moved here 6 years ago thought the police were here to help me. Sadly, I don’t feel that way anymore. Should my 13 year old be carrying her birth certificate with her? I do worry about neighbors calling police to come check our papers. We both work hard and pay taxes and we both love this country, but I am starting to wonder if we shouldn't leave. For this reason, I think many educated, skilled people in a situation like mine will avoid Arizona and the influx of people moving here will slow and this will have a direct impact on the job market and the economy over all. Also, construction will get more expensive if the cheap labor is not available, so Arizona won’t be comparatively as affordable as it used to be.

I recognize that this may sound dramatic, but it is honest. I apologize if anyone feels I shouldn't feel this way.

This law only makes the work of police harder and does not do anything to solve the economic factors leading to illegal immigration. The truth is no one else in this county is going to pick lettuce in Yuma and there should be a work program so people can come here to do that work.

What month is it?

noreply@blogger.com (Regina G.) — Wed, 12 May 2010 00:43:00 +0000

I missed January...