For Love or Funny

Dark, scary places

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 10:30:00 +0000

It's terrifyingly easy to get lost in our woods.

But our neighbor didn't think of that when she ran away from home.

When her parents returned to an empty house, they were devastated.

Her parents called 911 for help. In a matter of moments, helicopters and police swarmed our quiet neck of the woods.

The little girl was 12 years old. I couldn't help but wonder... What made her flee?

Once she got into the woods, her troubles must have morphed into fear. There are many things to fear in the woods, like animals who are bigger than you.

Briars that grab and slice at your clothing and skin.
Eerie trees that moan and squeak when they bend in the breeze.

It's worse when dusk falls. The woods get dark quickly.

Neighbors searched. We turned on all our lights in the hopes of helping the little girl find her way home. And we waited.

Still, the night air thumped with hovering helicopters, a grim reminder that she still hadn't been found.

Near 10:30pm, she made her way to a nearby neighborhood and was brought home safe and sound. She told her parents that she overheard them talking about sending her to another school. She was afraid to go to a someplace new, so she ran.

I could relate.

I, too, have run away from change and ended up someplace dark and scary.

Have you noticed that when you run away,

you end up someplace more frightening

than whatever got you running in the first place?

I can handle 21 inches

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 10:30:00 +0000

We got snowed in this weekend.

Luckily, I'm the CEO of a vast corporation.

I have "People."

I immediately put my People to work,
because the company van needs access to our delivery routes.

Clear the driveway!

Visibility is zero.
Mush, doggy, mush!!

Getting clearer.
Mush, doggy!

Looking good!
I love it when a plan comes together.

Unfortunately, my colleague was covered in snowballs.

Then she brought all of the snow inside corporate headquarters.

"You're fired!"

Ever the entrepreneur, I enlisted the help of two new recruits.

They're young. Energetic.

And they've got opposable thumbs.

Perfect for holding snow shovels.

Unfortunately, labor doesn't come cheap.

Alas, the law of unintended consequences strikes again.

Drat.

This means I have to cook.

Double drat.

I discovered that my corporation

is full of Crazy People.

Crazy Hungry People.

In conclusion,

I submit my Corporate Ledger

for your consideration.

Don't let this bleak economic outlook fool you.

There are still jobs available:

Snow Removal Engineer

Snow Removal Supervisor

Vice President of Snow Removal

The salaries leave a bit to be desired.

But the views are spectacular.

Weekend Wish

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 10:30:00 +0000

Last year, we looked like this:

This year, we look like this:

I hope you have plenty of milk and bread.
And electricity.

Signs of stupidity

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 10:30:00 +0000

This time of year, I can see where the deer are heading.

Often, I follow their trails.

Luckily, I'm smart enough not to follow them down this trail...

The best meal EVER!

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 10:30:00 +0000

I'm feeling sorry for myself, because it's still winter. I need comfort.

So I made this...

My kids thought this meal was the BEST meal EVER!

I'm inclined to agree.

For Love or Funny, it's the simple things.

If at first you don't succeed, snore.

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 10:30:00 +0000

Yesterday's lessons:

Libraries should not have comfy chairs.

Comfy chairs make people fall asleep.

Sleeping people snore.

Snoring does not cure writer's block.

Today, I still have writer's block. So, I returned to the library.

I went to "my" room and peered around the corner.

Oh no. Gentlemen reading newspapers in comfy chairs.

Warm sunshine, quiet room...

Snoring will happen at any moment.

Heck, I'm getting sleepy just looking at those cozy chairs.

So, I headed for a desk near the stacks.

I was not going to let a little case of writer's block stop me.

I was inspired, because I just read an article about some scientists who never gave up. They've been studying an enzyme that HIV uses to transfer it's DNA. The scientists knew that if they could unlock that piece of the puzzle, it would lead to new medicines that could block the virus's replication.

The scientists failed for 20 years before they got it right. They did over 40,000 experiments, and failed, before they got it right on the 40,001st time.

Thank goodness they never stopped trying!

Can you imagine failing 40,000 times, and having the guts to keep trying?

How inspiring!

No Snoring in the library. Please.

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 10:30:00 +0000

I'm struggling with writer's block.

I'm stuck.

So, I headed to the library with my manuscript.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

The smell of books inspired me.

I felt a wave of creativity.

I opened up my manuscript.

I uncapped my pen.

I took a deep breath.

And...

Snore.

I sighed.

I capped my pen.

I closed my manuscript.

I took out my camera.

I grew concerned when he closed his mouth and stopped breathing.

But then he snored again.

Phew.

I like watching people sleep.

It's relaxing.

Unfortunately, people watching doesn't cure writer's block.

I'm mad at my husband

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 10:30:00 +0000

Whenever I see couples like this, I feel a little envious. They're good looking. Smart. And they look so happy together.

But then I remind myself that no marriage is perfect, because none of us are perfect.

Unfortunately, our spouses know our faults better than anyone.

It's ironic. The person who is supposed to love us the most, sees us at our worst.

Take Mr. Charming, for example. His gorgeous wife drives him crazy when she yammers on and on when he forgets to do something. Frankly, he just doesn't see why she gets so upset when he forgets to do one little thing...

Mrs. Charming, on the other hand, is tired of perpetuating a fairy tale...

Everyone thinks Mr. Charming is perfect, but Mr. Charming can't stand on his own. He has uneven feet. It's a manufacturing defect. There are many days when Mrs. Charming tires of propping him up, but she's smart enough to remember that his good characteristics outweigh the bad.

Sometimes, I get annoyed that my husband is so introspective. I love to wallow in self pity and yearn for more attention. My angst feels justified until I remind myself that I'm no peach. I can be judgmental. I'm not very adventurous. I've been known to pester people when I'm bored. Nice, huh?

Why must my self-conscious always ruin a perfectly good pity party?

For Love or Funny, here's hoping that our spouses think our good characteristics always outweigh our flaws!

She's having a stick-gasm

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 10:30:00 +0000

She has stick-gasms.

In the middle of our yard.

It embarrasses me.

She doesn't care who's watching.

She doesn't care that the stick might get stuck between her teeth.

She just can't help herself.

Num num num num num.

Grrrrrrrr.

Satisfaction.

My dog eats sticks.

My toddlers eat dog food.

Something is wrong, here.

Weekend Wish

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 10:30:00 +0000

Don't be afraid to be alone.
It's only for a little while.

You'll be okay.

Sex Education

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 10:30:00 +0000

After school, my kid hopped into the car and announced that she had just endured the...

I was alarmed. I asked, "Why? What was so bad about it?"

"Well, Mom, we talked about..."

And I thought...

May I thank our health teacher, who patiently answered our kids' questions without bursting into gales of nervous laughter!

I wish I could tell you what struck me so funny about my conversation with my daughter, but I can't. (What is said in the minivan, stays in the minivan.)

So I turn to you, my friends. What funny things have your kids said about sex?

A purse full of love

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 10:30:00 +0000

At first glance, it doesn't look appealing.

It smells musty and it's out of style. Despite that, I wondered what was inside.

I found postcards, souvenirs from a honeymoon that took place over 75 years ago.

There were handwritten letters with beautiful penmanship. Some letters were chatty and cheerful. Others were downright heartbreaking.

There were handfuls birth announcements and funeral pamphlets.

Some things never change, like the hospital pictures of newborn babies. Or cards...

The purse belonged to my children's great-grandmother. In a sense, it was her lockbox, the place she stored all the important things she held dear.

I have a bin where I keep our "memories," but it is unlabeled and chaotic. My kids will have no idea of the importance behind each artifact. I need to change that.

How do you preserve the things that are important to you?

The cure for tension headaches. You're welcome.

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 10:30:00 +0000

My dental hygienist jabs me until I bleed, and then I give her my money. Geez, I'm dumb.

The tools of modern day torture.

Luckily, I discovered the cure for tension headaches and throbbing gums...

That's right. A chocolate milkshake.

Get yer nose off my milkshake!

It occurs to me that I should make some more doctor's appointments.

I need a physical. Afterwards, I'm going to eat a slab of hot, greasy pizza.

Then there's the yearly mammogram. I'm thinking cinnamon buns.

And don't forget the ob/gyn appointment, with a post-mortem hot fudge sundae.

You know, now I'm kinda looking forward to those appointments.

For Love or Funny, I'll submit to medical exams in exchange for junk food. How 'bout you?

My husband lied to me.

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 10:30:00 +0000

My husband got a dreamy, faraway look in his eyes. He clasped my hand in his big warm palms and said, "You'll love it here. The winter is so beautiful..."

I got excited. I pictured the two of us snuggling under a blanket while the fireplace roared.

I envisioned cheerful snowmen sprouting up over our vast property.

I pictured myself crawling into a large snow fort built by my children just to keep the biting wind from chaffing my delicate skin.

I imagined going to the snow festival in town. Among the snow angels, I would build a likeness of Gerard Butler and stare at him all day. Sigh.

Alas, my winter fantasy doesn't quite jive with reality.

The reality is that winter ain't all that pretty. I think my car says it all:

Luckily, I have other distractions. I'm going to climb into my sexy Mercedes Benz SLR McLaren and check my diamond encrusted Rolex watch to make sure I'm not late for my spa treatment. Heaven knows, I want to look my best for my upcoming Vogue cover shoot. I hope Heidi Klum isn't angry that the editors ditched her so that they could feature me.

For love or funny, sometimes a fantasy life really comes in handy. Particularly in winter.

Our Castle in the Basement

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 10:30:00 +0000

Years ago, my daughter and I built a castle. Instead of heavy rocks and mortar, we used stiff paper and glue.

It was a complex job. Soon, I got lost in the sea of scattered pieces and tricky directions. Curiously, I was the one who lost patience and wondered aloud when we'd ever finish.

My kid was unfazed.

Her quiet persistence drew me along. She showed me how to fold the pieces. We figured out the directions. Things started to take shape.

It wasn't the first time my kid spurred me to be a better person.

After we finished construction, our paper castle was the scene of many imaginary battles. Small plastic figures took up residence. It was a busy place.

Years later, the courtyard is empty. Echos of stories gone by ring from the walls, and a layer of dust sits on the ground.

In my rush to organize our jumbled basement, it's difficult for me to throw away toys like this one. The memories come alive every time I hold it in my hands.

The castle's quiet empty rooms break my heart. But the lessons I've learned remain.

How to find true love...(a guide for teens)

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 10:30:00 +0000

Are you suddenly struck with the urge to comb your hair? Are you incapable of speech when you're near a particular person?

Do not panic. You might have a crush. If you're thinking of dating that person, read on. If not, go ahead and have a chocolate milkshake.

How to find true love:

"If you go to the dance with me, I promise to stop putting my hand in my shirt."

Don't believe that someone will change.
Change is difficult, painful, exhausting, infuriating, and really, really hard to do. Accept folks for who they are. The only person you can change is you.

"This soup is cold! Take it back, you sniveling rodent."

Choose someone who is nice to everyone. Try not to date someone who treats people poorly. Someday you'll be the target of that ire. Find someone who is genuinely sweet, because kindness is a trait that's impossible to learn. You deserve someone nice.

"Look at me! I'm magnificent!"

Don't fall for someone just because they're good-looking. Bad behavior will transform the most beautiful face into that of a monster. Lies and cruelty will scar your regard for anyone, whereas kindness and integrity makes a regular person look drop dead gorgeous.

"I know it's hard to believe, but I'm going to make you deliriously happy."

Character counts. Want to spare yourself a lot of heartache? Find someone who is honorable, responsible, moral, and decent. Those qualities aren't boring. They are crucial.

"Nay, you mustn't go hunting with the Duke. You must stay at home and watch me frown."

Does your date respect you? Do they listen to what you say? Will they honor your wishes if you don't want to do something? If the answer is "no" to any one of these questions, say goodbye.

"I think we should see other people."

It's okay to break up. Dating is a time to figure out who you are and what type of people you enjoy. Dating is supposed to be fun. Laughter, silliness, kissing, hugging, sharing, acceptance, and warmth are all part of being with someone who values you. But if you feel sad, trapped, scared, guilty, or anxious, it's time to step away from the relationship.

"I don't like hasty pudding."

Honesty is the best policy. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to tell someone that you're unhappy or uncomfortable or, heaven forbid, that you're human. But the relief that you'll feel after sharing your feelings is worth the risk. Never, under any circumstances, lie to someone.

"I like Barry Manilow. There, I said it."

Be yourself. This bears repeating, because you will save yourself so much heartache and anxiety if you have the courage to be YOU. You are very lovable, just the way you are.

"I'll never find another jerk like him again."

Don't listen to love songs. Despite what you may hear in love songs, you don't have one chance at true love. You will have many loves. Each relationship is different, but wonderful. Keep yourself open to possibilities.

"Reading and sewing complete me."

For girls: You are responsible for your own happiness. Don't expect your boyfriend, your fiance or your husband to make you happy. That's your job!

For anyone who's interested... My kids are allowed to start dating when they're 30.

Weekend Wish

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 10:30:00 +0000

The big sky shows me how small I am.

I hate to admit how often I need to be reminded of this simple fact.

Signs of stupidity

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 10:30:00 +0000

It's 62 degrees and the snow still didn't melt.

What kind of a cruel joke is this?

How to bribe your dog

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 10:30:00 +0000

"I refuse to eat until you take me for a walk."

"No. I want to play with my friends."

"I'm not thirsty."

"I'm telling that you touched Daddy's ice cream."

"Oh, come on. It's only 25 degrees outside and icy."

"Wait a second. What's that?"

"It's filet mignon in a JAR!"

"What walk?"

My new song will debut at #1 on BillBoard

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 10:30:00 +0000

It's a gray day.

Hey, hey, hey.

When it reached 27 degrees,

I walked my dog and her fleas.

This monochrome world,

is tough on a near-sighted girl.

Oops! Could that be ice?

Falling down wouldn't be nice.

How can I spot anything slick,

If squinting won't do the trick?

If I crash to the ground,

There will be a loud sound.

Please come rescue me.

I'll be the flat one looking up at the tree.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 10:30:00 +0000

This girl is frightening. Do you see why?

Yes, there is dust on her eyeball, but that's not the most alarming thing about her.

How 'bout them eyelashes? But, nope, that's not what terrifies me. Take a gander at her hair:

Hello, bed-head.

She's the lucky recipient of a haircut, delivered by the capable hands of my six year-old. My husband happened to interrupt the haircut early in the appointment. He advised against such activity after much stern lecturing and wagging of fingers. My daughter dutifully agreed.

Then he walked out. Without the scissors.

Rookie mistake.

Unable to bear having her creativity stymied by "the man," our daughter took the scissors in hand and finished the job. Then she hid the doll under the bed.

If only she remembered to hide the hair.

My husband caught sight of those ash blonde locks on his way to kiss our daughter goodnight. At first, I didn't understand why he felt so angry about our daughter's foray into hairstyling. Heck, at least she didn't cut her own hair. In retrospect, his reaction was probably amplified by the fact that she willfully disobeyed him.

It hurts when our children don't listen to us. We feel powerless. We worry that they won't listen when it really counts.

Over time, he and I came to regard this doll with affection. She taught our daughter that a doll's hair really doesn't grow back. And she taught us that there will be times when our kids will ignore our advice.

For Love or Funny, lessons are easier to remember if we can laugh about them.

What to do when your shoe farts

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 10:30:00 +0000

My buddies decided to visit an art exhibit. I tagged along, because I wanted their smarts and culture to rub off on me.

I bought new sneakers for the occasion. In hindsight, heels would have been a better choice.

When I saw the museum's beautiful architecture, I knew that I'd walk out of this joint with a lot of class. I'd regale my family with winsome tales and urbane jokes. I'd start saying "That's so droll, dear." I'd fit in at society parties.

Then I took a step, and my shoe farted.

Frrp.

I glanced anxiously at my friends, but they didn't seem to notice. So I walked behind them.

Frrp. Frrp. Frrp.

It sounded like I ate a whole lotta fiber for breakfast. Which I did, but that's not the point.

I tried my best to distract my friends by pointing out the beautiful furniture on display. Unfortunately, we didn't linger for long. We headed to the next display.

Frrp. Frrp. Frrp.

I tried to talk over the noise. "Hey," I yelled. "Doesn't that chair match my dining room set?"

"Oh, maybe not," I stopped and pretended to reconsider. "My chairs are a lot more ornate."

Undaunted, my friends headed for the next room. I was desperate. My shoe was getting louder. The museum guards started to follow me. One of them whispered into his pocket.

"Headquarters? I've spotted a bunch of Hot Mamas being followed by a Gassy Gal. Please advise."

Even the portraits began to stare...

"You are so uncivilized. Please leave. Immediately."

"Pardon us, but people like you aren't allowed into our solarium."

"Oh, dear. I do believe you have a duck in your shoe."

I shrank under their scrutiny, but I learned some valuable lessons.

Classy people never say (or write) the word "fart."
If I wear a long silk gown, the skirt will hide my squeaky sneakers.
The best way to deal with shoe squeaks is to point to your friends and squeal, "You farted!"

For Love or Funny, I have a bad feeling that I'm not going to be invited back to the museum.

Know an ordinary person who is quite extraordinary? We'd like to feature them on our front page.

Send us a picture and a brief description of why they are "extraordinary ordinary,"

and we'll link back to your website.

The bane of my existence, part deux

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 10:30:00 +0000

Something has been haunting me for 8 years. Not surprisingly, it has to do with puppets.

Santa brought this puppet house when my youngest was 2 years old. She spent all Christmas morning inside this little house. She didn't even want to open the rest of her presents.

Frankly, I thought something was terribly wrong with her.

To some extent, I can see why my kid likes this little house. It has a cool clock. Not coincidentally, it's set for when I wake up. And pretty much when I go to bed.

Yeah, I'm a party animal.

There are pockets inside. Perfect for storing stuffed animals or plastic food. Every house needs storage.

The chalkboard announces the next show time. Personally, I'm just waiting for the time when I can move this puppet house out of my basement. I haven't seen my kid use it in eons. So, every year, I ask her if we can give it to someone else. Every year, she says no.

For Love or Funny, perhaps my kid will take it with her when she gets married.

Weekend Wish

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 10:30:00 +0000

In one day, this can change from gray and snowy to blue and sunny.

You have just as much power to transform your day.

Winter makes me look puffy.

forloveorfunny@me.com (Lynn from For Love or Funny) — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 11:00:00 +0000

For some reason, I'm attracted to the Mourning Doves. They're so darn cute.

Luckily, they stick around even when it gets cold at For Love or Funny.

Mourning Doves seem to enjoy each other's company.

They land on a branch and then take tiny little steps

until they are sitting side by side with a friend.

Females have similar coloring to males,

but males have a larger purplish wash of color along the side of their necks.

My husband has a purplish color on his neck whenever he finishes shaving.

Hmm. Maybe that's why I'm attracted to Mourning Doves.

I find their plump appearance to be especially endearing.

Don't you just want to reach up and grab this puffy guy for a squeeze?

It's no wonder his feathers are fluffed. That sky looks awfully cold and gray.

With all my layers of clothing, I feel as puffy as this guy.

For love or funny, stay warm.

To learn more about Mourning Doves, click here: http://www.birds.cornell.edu/BOW/moudov/

and here: http://www.wild-bird-watching.com/Doves.html