For the Love...A Mama's Mantra

Discover this...

2008-12-15T08:06:00.006-05:00

On the Discover web page:

Discover Card: Brighter. See how you can spend smarter with Discover Card

I know the #1 way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get a card in someone else's name and go nuts! All of the fun and none of the responsibility...Discover can make this dream a reality for some of your skanky neighbors too!!!

I ruined it for my neighbors...the ready to use card was delivered to the person (ME) and not the street address(SKANK THIEF).

I called Discover...only to "Discover" that they should not be allowed to use the word "Brighter" anywhere on their web page.

To prove that I was the real slim shady and not the fake slim skanky I had to drive 20 minutes to the nearest large "department" store with a customer service department. In our case that would be a Lowes....after 30 minutes we finally convinced the geniuses at Discover that I was the one and only Reevesfarm.

Once my ID was confirmed the tenor of the conversation went from hostile to apathetic. I wanted information about who had done this and they didn't give a rip. Between repeatedly saying "I don't know" and stifling yawns the fraud dept. person suggested that I file a police report. It was a Sunday so I had the pleasure of doing so at the county Jail...fun.

Later that same day I called Discover's fraud department to see if I could garner any more information about the original application:

Me: So how was the did they apply for this card?

Discover: Uhhhh...it says here...Telemarketing...

Me: Well what does that mean?

Discover: Uhhhh...by phone I think.

Me: Uh, yeah...but did you call them or did they call you????

Discover: Uhhh...it doesn't say.

Me: Was that call at least recorded?

Discover: no

Me: How did you approve a $5000 credit card when the birth date, address, and phone number did not match the name and SSN?

Discover:...............

Me: No signature, no recording of the call, nothing and you gave them a $5000 card in my frickin name!

Discover:............

Me: Can you give me ANY information that was collected in the application that might be helpful?

Discover: No

At some point I talked to another Fraud Dept. person, she told me that if Discover does not lose money that they do nothing. After providing me with NO additional information she did say that she would be happy to talk to the local police Investigator handling my case. I got her extension so that the investigator could reach her directly...he left a message and she did not return his call...or had not a couple of days later. Thanks so much.

When the investigator told me that he could not get the people at Discover to return his calls I tried again. The investigator was finally able to speak to someone...only to find out that Discover could not even tell him if the caller/applicant was male or female.

The geniuses that applied used their real address and phone number...but there are 4 adults that have access to that phone...when Discover can not even narrow the applicant down to male or female it makes my chance of successful prosecution slim.

There is always going to be that scumbag who steals from hardworking people...but having a company like Discover behave in such a reckless and callous way is mind boggling. I should be able to file criminal charges against you for abetting the bad guys.

Good burps gone bad...

2008-12-12T06:12:00.002-05:00

So yesterday...right after lunch...two boys in MonkeyBoy's grade greeted each other by burping their names. The first boy got through his friends name with no problems...the second looked great through the first name and then he VOMITED ALL OVER THE FIRST BOY as he attempted to start his last name.

For lunch: chocolate milk, ham & cheese sammies, and raspberry sherbet....

Good times.

Magnuts the hawkeye...

2008-12-09T06:08:00.001-05:00

Making a pass through the Christmas section in our local Wal-Mart Magnuts spotted something amazing...

Do you see it?

That's right...the word "ASS" is clearly printed on the right side of this box....and every box we checked.

After a little investigation we are pretty sure that it was supposed to say "Celebrity Backstage Pass" not..."Celebrity Ass"

I laughed...I snorted...I may have even been wheezing a little by the end of it....

Meet Penelope...

2008-12-01T07:58:00.001-05:00

When Miss-D went to close her bedroom doors this morning before school she found her bird in this odd situation. Miss-D had left the little lid off the top of the bird seed container and Penelope squeezed her feathered butt right through the small circular opening in the top. She was either unwilling or unable to get out...I am leaning towards unwilling considering that she tried to bite Miss-D repeatedly as she tried to extricate the goofy bird.

Free at last...free at last...Great God Almighty I am free at last...

2008-11-23T08:13:00.011-05:00

So I finished painting and thought I would post some pics...

(Click on the pics to enlarge them)

By the back door:

Where we didn't eat for 2 weeks:

Kitchen:

China cabinet side of kitchen:

Den:

Still painting...

2008-11-18T08:32:00.001-05:00

But I have a few questions...

Do any of you have experience with the GigaBall?

It is 51 inches in diameter and is essentially a human hamster ball. It claims to be for indoor or outdoor use and is made of heavy duty plastic.

Just wondering if anyone has actual experience with these....

Also...

Have any of you ever used the "stretch" slip covers for sofas?

Did it keep its shape...did you have to curse a lot while putting it on?

If you own these products or know someone who does, please leave a comment to let me know what you think about them.

This is the job that never ends...

2008-11-13T07:32:00.002-05:00

It goes on and on my friends....

Still painting the kitchen...hope to finish in the next 7-10 days. My hands ache and my muscle are sore...but it sure looks good. I took "before pictures" and am taking them as I progress...can't wait to take "after pics."

In the mean time check out these frickin adorable "crocs" I made:

Painting and Pests...

2008-11-10T10:00:00.002-05:00

Painting a kitchen and all of the cabinets, cabinet doors and drawers is not #1.

Day 8...or yesterday, I was sitting on the floor, knee deep in cabinet doors, hardware and paint when I noticed blood dripping off my nose. As I am determining that the blood is coming from a tiny cut that I have no idea how I got the boys come banging in to the room arguing.

They have been driving each other, and me, nuts.

I get that having the kitchen turned upside down is stressful...FOR THE ADULTS. The only inconvenience the FlyMonkeys have dealt with would be the abundance of fast food they have been "forced" to eat because the kitchen is not functional. Or the Diet Sprites they have been allowed to drink because I could not get everything together to make juice.

At the beginning they helped empty all of the cabinets...but now I just really need them to stay out of the kitchen. So I let them play...there are a thousand things that they could be doing alone or together...things that would keep them quiet. Problem is that they are knuckleheads who choose, over and over again, to do things that end in conflict.

I decided that if they were going to argue they might as well do it while knocking out some chores. I told them to grab the clippers and get to work on the out-of-control bushes in front of the house.

One day I am going to give them directions and they are just going to go do it...no questions, no "what ifs" or "but I"'s......yesterday was not that day.

So after a 1/2 dozen questions I said:

"JUST GO CLIP OFF ALL OF THE REALLY TALL PIECES GROWING ON THE TOP! MAKE THEM ROUNDISH SQUARISH BUSHISH SHAPED! JUST GIVE THEM A HAIR CUT! CUT THEM LIKE ANIMALS...I DON'T CARE MAKE DISNEY CHARACTERS ALL THE WAY AROUND THE HOUSE...JUST GO DO IT AND BE QUIET..."

They walked very quietly to the door...and then I heard a snicker....

"DO NOT CUT THEM LIKE PENISES!"

Louder snickering....and they were gone.

The Plague

2008-11-07T07:55:00.001-05:00

MonkeyBoy missed all last week with Mono (for those of you keeping up...that makes 13 absences before Halloween). I was very happy to take all three of the FlyingMonkeys to school Monday....

I had purchased all of the supplies to finally finish painting my kitchen...I took a little 4 year break....

I began the process of moving everything out of the way. Removing the cabinet doors and all of the hardware...all of the drawers. Scrub EVERYTHING with very hot soapy water to ensure a clean work surface. All told the area that I am working on took three days of prep before I even started painting the primer.

So I was not so happy to discover, Tuesday morning, that Miss-D had two rashes. Her mouth was full of ulcers...it looked horrible and painful. Turns out the little red blister/bumps on her hands and the ulcers in her mouth were the result of Foot/Hand & Mouth Disease...a first for us. The little red rash on her torso was the result of the awesome case of Strep Throat she was sporting.

Antibiotics, steroids, Magic Mouthwash and she was a go for school on Thursday....as was my date with a giant can of primer.

I had finally managed to contort my round little body in such a way that I could paint primer inside an oddly cut corner cabinet when the phone rang.

It was the school...of course. The nurse was calling to let me know that MonkeyBoy looked terrible...spots on the roof of his mouth and a fever. So clad in my funky work clothes with paint in my hair I drove to the school to pick him up.

It occurred to me as we headed home that it was a frickin miracle that Magnuts was still well. In a 1 week period he had been exposed to Mono, Hand/Foot & Mouth, and Strep.

Guess who has a mouth full of painful ulcers this morning....

I just finished using my limited kitchen resources to make oatmeal for MonkeyBoy and Magnuts....

Y'all pray for us.

Better than Nicorette....

2008-11-06T06:08:00.001-05:00

So I started working on this dollhouse right after I quit smoking...something to do with my hands....

It took over my kitchen...and I loved building it.

Even staining the 800 little shingles....painting, sanding, re-painting...

And then one day I was done.

The kitchen was clean, the house was finished...

I had so much fun.

8th grade poetry....

2008-11-03T07:42:00.003-05:00

Once in a village in Japan
Lived a young woman named Woo-Chan
She felt like a fool
When she fell in the pool
And everyone saw she was a man

Thank you Miss-D...

Dear Lunch Lady,

2008-10-29T06:41:00.003-05:00

I am pleased to see that you have a sense of humor. Oh how you must have chuckled Friday as you added the 55 gallon drum of cherry pie filling to the serving line as the "fruit of the day."

Did you wet your pants just a little as you watched the the little kiddies vibrate their way back to class? I would have...it was a good one...I bet the teachers thought it was HILARIOUS!

The only thing funnier than allowing little kids to serve themselves all of the cherry pie filling they could mound on one tray is letting them do it twice!

Freezing the leftovers over the weekend and re-serving it Monday was genius.

Thanks again!

Laura

Not dead...

2008-10-09T06:47:00.002-04:00

I just need a break.

I may not be back until after the election. I allowed myself to come almost completely unglued about the bailout. I was so angry that I felt physically ill...if I am going to have a massive stroke I would rather it not be caused by a bunch of a-holes in Washington.

Some people listen to music when they clean...I have the news on. Well had. I just need to chill.

I have determined that not only am I a true conservative I am also a Political Hindu...not a fan of pork. I am frustrated with all of the political offerings...how about a candidate who runs on an "Common Sense, Personal Responsibility and Accountability" ticket.

Anyway...

Everyone is healthy and we are all pretty busy. I have just decided to take some time off...time to not think about how congressional term limits would solve a lot of our problems...time to enjoy football and the coming Holiday season.

Thanks again for all of your concern and feel free to email me...

HOT 102.7!!!

2008-09-19T06:46:00.002-04:00

The FlyingMonkeys seem to be trying for "high score" on our digital thermometer....

MonkeyBoy went back to school yesterday. He managed to last the entire day...meanwhile MissD was home with a temp of 103....

In other news....

Mrs. Ruth thank you so much for bringing by the kid's new favorite dessert. The FlyingMonkeys absolutely devoured it...they want more...I will need the recipe.

Thanks again...hopefully this plague will pass soon and I can get back to normal blogging...

We are gonna need a note from the doctor...

2008-09-17T07:10:00.006-04:00

It all started innocently enough last Monday. MonkeyBoy woke up with a fever and headache so I kept him home from school. He was home Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday complained of a headache so bad that it was making him nauseous.

So Thursday afternoon we went to the Urgent Care clinic. Lucky for us my cousin and the Dr. she works for were running the clinic that day. While we waited for some of the test results to come back the Motrin I had given MonkeyBoy hours earlier began to wear off. His fever and headache came back and he looked horrible. The Doc became very concerned when he came back in the room. The tests for Strep and Mono had come back negative and he didn't like the way MonkeyBoy looked.

The Doc made a few calls and determined that we should go to the ER. They felt that there were a few tests that needed to be done that could only take place at the hospital.

***Those of you who live in this city stop yelling at your computers. I know the hospital stinks...we only went for tests...tests that would be done with my supervision. Plus I had already called my Dad (a doc) and discussed this all with him. So stop clucking your tongue and shaking your head...

For those of you who have no idea what the above paragraph is about...our local hospital - Edge Memorial is nicknamed Edge of Death. People joke about only going there if they are dead...or so close to death that they are unable to protest. In the last few years they have changed management and have attempted improve their service. I can say that the nurses and techs were VERY good. The Doc, who for this story will be called - DrDingus, is a prime example of why it is important to cull your nuts.

DrDingus acted as though he had an ER filled to capacity instead of just a few patients. He appeared overwhelmed and seemed to be unable to focus on the task at hand. He came to our cubicle, did a physical exam, ordered a battery of tests and we did not see him again for hours...when all of the results were back. He said that based on MonkeyBoy's X-ray that he had acute bronchitis/pneumonia. I, of course, questioned this diagnosis. MonkeyBoy had been sick for a week...but in that week as he got worse he never coughed or had so much as a sniffle.

DrDingus did not care for my questions. Before he could leave I asked him about the headaches that were so severe that they were causing MonkeyBoy to be nauseous. He blew me off and would not even write MonkeyBoy a prescription for something for the nausea. I left with a prescription for antibiotics and a decongestant.

Later that night, or should I say early Friday morning, MonkeyBoy woke with a severe headache that caused him to vomit all over his bedroom floor. DrDingus is very fortunate that it was 1:30 am and I could not get my hands on him.

By Friday afternoon MonkeyBoy was even worse. His head was pounding and his legs hurt so badly he didn't want to walk. I ended up taking him to a new doctor. A really good pediatrician that my Cousin was able to get us in to see. The new doctor, who we will call DrAwesome, finally made me feel like things were going to be OK. He wanted to test for Flu before anything else was done...the Flu test was negative...

I have written and deleted this part 5 times. Each time I write it it just seems so dramatic and that just makes me feel silly...but being told that your child will need to be admitted to the ICU and that they will need a Lumbar Puncture is dramatic.

MonkeyBoy was admitted to the ICU Friday afternoon and was having a LP later that evening. Everything about his spinal fluid was fine...they were able to rule out bacterial meningitis. We were released late Saturday afternoon...

They are pretty sure that he has Viral Meningitis. We won't know for sure until the lab reports come back...and that could be a while. He is still staying home from school. He is tired and still has headaches and leg pain. I think the worst of this is over...he no longer has fever and he says that the headaches are not nearly as bad.

So we wait.

BTW-when MonkeyBoy was released from the hospital they told me that the X-Rays were clean-unremarkable....yes...those would be the X-Rays taken in the ER. DrDingus indeed.

Also...after all of this I failed to get a single note from any doctor to make sure this is an excused absence....

AWAH?

2008-09-05T09:00:00.001-04:00

I will have to give Magnuts homework more than a cursory glance in the future...especially his English.

Yesterday's assignment started like this:

"There once was an evil jar of peanut butter that escaped from the cabinet...his name was Hugh Jass..."

***

Yes Mom, that would make it a Hugh Jass jar of peanut butter...

Funny...

2008-09-04T10:48:00.002-04:00

Today's post brought to you by Hansel and Gretal home builders...

2008-09-02T08:07:00.002-04:00

This weekend we were invited to a party to meet our newest cousin and had the best time.

Had I not been able to follow my Mom we would have never found the place...it's location even confused her Garmin. The houses in that area are absolutely beautiful...and I would love to show them to you but I fear that the trail of crumbs I left to find my way home have long since been devoured by hungry birds.

Thanks B & H for a wonderful evening...your new Granddaughter is beautiful!

Back away from the cart...

2008-08-28T07:24:00.000-04:00

I had this full on rant already written about this woman who brazenly stole my shopping cart at Wal-Mart. It would have been posted yesterday but for two reasons; Blogger was having issues and it turns out that several of my nearest and dearest have also been known to snag a cart.

Now, they don't take carts that have things in them and they all swear that they will at least check for an owner before absconding with the buggy. Still, it irritates me. Perhaps because I have had so many stolen. People have actually dumped my items onto a nearby shelf and then taken my cart. That is a pisser.

So a few days ago when I watched a woman walk right up to my cart, grab it and take off I was stunned and irritated. I yelled, "MA'AM!!!!" about 3 times before she finally stopped, grinned at me, and walked off. WTH?

I am aware that there are times that urgency trumps the normal rules of polite society. Perhaps you have indulged in a "Big Gulp" and now have to tee-tee so badly that you are in real danger of wetting your pants. You waddle to the restroom only to find a long line...this is clearly a time when breaking a rule (the no Vageeenas in the Men's room rule) is not wrong.

The woman who stole my cart did not do it out of necessity or any urgency. She was not juggling newborn triplets while balancing a case of Diet Coke...she was just lazy.

I am thinking of getting a taser.

A funny thing happened...

2008-08-26T07:10:00.003-04:00

I got an e-mail Friday from an associate casting director for CBS. She found me through my blog and wanted my phone number so that we could discuss any interest I might have in competing on a reality show.

Considering that my last few posts have dealt with a giant penis, me killing a snake, and a country singer being knocked out with a cold beer...I was wondering what kind of reality show they might be putting on....

The FlyingMonkeys were very excited by this whole thing, and while anything I get like that I worry about being all flim-flam shammy I decided to e-mail her my phone number.

Imagine my surprise when I got a call from her yesterday afternoon. She was a very nice young woman who did not seem offended in the least when I had to tell her "No Thank You."

Those of you who know me...prepare yourself- you may actually wet your pants...the show she wanted to talk to me about was........Survivor.

Survivor, really...me...BWAH HA HA HA HA!

I tried to think of the positives...

Pro-- Certain weight loss
Con-- Rice and rain water diet

I would be going from wondering what I could rustle up to sooth my sweet tooth to eating grilled rat hoping to get enough protein to get through the next day.

Pro-- Free "vacation" in an exotic place
Con-- Sharing vacation with various deadly indigenous animals

PETA would probably take exception to my kill it first identify it later animal control policy.

The million dollar prize could be quite an incentive....

But, imagine surviving weeks of starvation and discomfort...you suffer and in the end you prevail. They hand you a giant check for $1,000,000 and before you can get on the plane to come home the TaxMan cuts it in half...

So thanks for asking CBS, but, no thanks.

***
Just a side note-

If you decided to go on Survivor and were told you could only bring one thing with you what would it be?

I considered a pair of corduroy pants so I could speed walk and win the fire starting challenge.

Too late...

2008-08-25T06:21:00.001-04:00

I eased on to the football field Thursday and found nothing but a giant patch of dirt in the middle of the field...the penis has been eliminated. It looked like Lorena Bobbit had gotten loose with a shovel.

Has to be a short one today...the sky is green and the weather guy is saying something about "the lowest level of your home"...

Catch y'all tomorrow!

This Bud's For You....

2008-08-21T06:56:00.003-04:00

Yesterday morning I read a news story that actually made me laugh out loud. Even as I told Rob about it last night it still made me laugh until I teared up...

Country singer Pat Green was doing a show at a NASCAR event. He asked the audience if "anyone had a cold beer" and they responded. The cold beer flew threw the air smacking Mr. Green right between the eyes, knocking him out cold.

The fact that I am snickering as I type this is a testament to my demented sense of humor...

In other news...tonight I will sneak onto the football field to try and get a better picture of the giant penis.

Chicken

2008-08-20T08:20:00.001-04:00

I walked over to the stadium last night hoping to get a picture of the salt peter. I should have gone sooner...when I could have pretended to be watching practice.

The guy who takes care of the fields was the only one around by the time I got over there. His normal facial expression is reminiscent of someone in the middle of a prostate exam...yesterday's was worse.

Thursday I will try to get over there earlier...but in the meantime...someone should really tell this guy that if he wants to cut down on the giggling he should re-think the current placement of his sprinkler.

Salt Peter...

2008-08-19T07:12:00.003-04:00

When I picked up the FlyingMonkeys from school Friday they were all a-twitter. Someone had done something ~~frickin hillarious~~ naughty...

Someone decorated the football field for our upcoming game with the N.B. Gamecocks.

They used salt, a truckload of it, and drew a giant penis, complete with testicles in the middle of the field. The kids swear that it is at least 20 yards in length.

I bet football practice is just precious..."wind sprints around the wanker" "sit ups on the scrotum"

Magnuts has practice tonight on a neighboring field...I am going to try to ease over and snap a picture of TheGiantPenis if I can figure out how to do it without looking like a perv.

Picture it, my house, last night....

2008-08-14T06:44:00.004-04:00

I was all nice and freshly showered, sitting at my computer in my nightgown. My bare feet where swinging a few inches above the ground (I am short y'all) as I happily completed the editing of our family cookbook.

MonkeyBoy had just finished his shower and was walking through my room to toss his dirty clothes in the laundry room. That is when I heard something that did not seem real. Words that you NEVER EVER FRICKIN want to hear yelled in your house....

"SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE!"

Ohhhhhh......shite. Every bad dream I had as a kid was coming true...the snake had come from UNDER my bed. It was moving away from MonkeyBoy's bare feet and right for mine.

Some part of my barely functioning brain must have realized that I had to kill the thing. Allowing it to escape would mean that in my mind it would always be somewhere in my house.

I started yelling for MonkeyBoy to throw me a shoe...

The snake was inches from my feet when MonkeyBoy tossed me the shoe, the commotion caused the snake to turn and head back for him...

I thew the shoe at the snake...missed, but the snake turned around and headed back in my direction. MonkeyBoy retrieved my shoe and this time I didn't throw it, I held it in my hand and smacked the ever loving crap out of the snake.

Rob was still 45 minutes from being home...that is exactly how long the "dead" snake laid on the floor in front of my bathroom. I use "sarcasta-quotes" because I find it so difficult to tell when a snake is dead. Consider the time that I went through an entire box of shells because the snake kept moving.

If something is dead IT SHOULD NOT KEEP MOVING. I need the death of a snake to be a little more definitive...maybe they could burst into flames or turn to ash.

Rob arrived, picked up the snake, and walked into the bathroom with it...

HE WAS GOING TO FLUSH IT!!! Oh hells no...I would never be able to use our toilet again.

The thing is now in the woods...

***
And now a quick "Thanks" to my Mom.
Yesterday when I called you to tell you about the snake that I had JUST killed...I appreciate you reminding me that where you find a baby snake there must be a Mama and the other babies...

Also the bit about not scooping up laundry from the floor, "because they could be hiding under it..." Thankyou.

I know that you only told me all of that because you love me...I hope one day I can return the favor...Love ya!