Today I made the biggest and BEST decision of my life: to marry Whitney Richards.

Psychologists have (relatively) recently started studying Self-Monitoring Behavior.

Self-monitoring behavior refers to how people adapt their words and actions depending on the environment that they’re in. For example, high self-monitors can sometimes be seen as completely different people when they’re around friends as opposed to being around family.

High self-monitors also feel pressure to relate or sympathize with others (even when they can’t).

Which, for a self-monitor like me, is the perfect ingredient for an awkward moment. Last night I learned something about myself that I never realized before: I laugh when others are laughing, even when I’m not sure why something is funny.

We were sitting around one of those made-for-backyard campfires as a family when a couple of us started to get really goofy. I couldn’t even tell why they were laughing so much, but every time they burst out laughing I started to feel this strange pressure to laugh with them. Don’t laugh, it’s not really funny and you’re not really laughing, I would tell myself. Yet I would catch myself making laughing noises when I didn’t even hear the joke.

It’s got to be a sub-conscious desire to fit in, I decided. But then I realized what it really was: my self-monitoring behavior.

Which is why a lot of people are socially awkward: is it worse to laugh and not mean it, or stay straight-faced even when the rest of the room is rolling on the floor giggling?

Having courage is what makes you into a super hero.

I’m not talking about the crime-fighting, kick-your-momma-in-the-face kind of courage though. I’m talking about a brand of bravery, confidence, and consistency that makes people trust you.

Like me for example — people ALWAYS ask me what kind of computer to buy. They must think I walk around computer stores and say, “Ahh, that’s a good buy. Oh no, don’t buy that one.” Honestly, I probably think about buying computers less than most non-technical people do. Yet people still come to me for advice!

Why? Because I’m confident. I don’t waver in giving a solid recommendation for a computer. You want a coupon code with that? Sure, I can probably Google around and get you one. It’s not hard.

I once was talking to an old classmate here at BYU. He had recently started growing quite a thick beard (which is not allowed here at BYU — you can’t take tests or even buy fast food on campus with facial hair). I asked him, “So how do you take your mid-terms then?”

He answered, “Like normal. I go into the testing center, and if anyone brings it up then I just act confident and they usually let me through.”

Courage is a powerful thing. It makes you into an expert (or a rebel, if you’re here at BYU).

I noticed today that I have a large collection of hats that I wear quite frequently. I have a student hat, boyfriend hat, roommate hat, coworker hat, customer hat, manager hat, church hat, and even a grouchy brother hat. Some people even know when to approach/avoid me depending on what hat I’m wearing.

I have other hats too, and I’m probably not aware of most of them. I can subtly slip a hat on and off without myself even noticing. Other people can force a hat on me, and my hat can be taken away by others as well.

Sometimes I try to wear two different hats. This always results in disaster, because I feel myself becoming fragmented. One hat inevitably masks the influence of the other, and I begin to feel confused as to who I really am. I cannot make wise decisions while wearing two different hats.

Yet inevitably I am faced with these sorts of two-hat decisions. To make consistently wise decisions, do I force myself to wear only one hat at a time? Or do I consolidate my hats into a more manageable number — say… one?

I returned from a weekend trip to Atlanta yesterday. Upon inspecting my CHECKED luggage, I found the following missing:

• iPod Touch USB Cable
• Cell Phone Charger
• Razor Cartridge

I only have two possible explanations for this. Either one single Schick Quattro razor cartridge posed a significant threat to national security (they left my two other refill cartridges alone), or a TSA agent in Atlanta has the same cell phone as me and needed a charger.

Either way, I’m blaming you Obama. Now there’s NO way I’m ever going to pay for my own health care again.

Today in church we talked about overcoming trials in our lives. Trials were spoken of as “things that, although they make us suffer, we can become stronger from.” While this is true, I believe we often misunderstand where our trials are actually coming from.

Most people think trials are something that just happen to us. These kinds of trials do exist. But we may be surprised to find that our trials come from many other sources as well.

Possibility #1: We make them up.

Many of our difficulties are actually nonexistent. Yet our mind conjures them up because we feel like we should be experiencing a trial. A good example of this is when we’re “starving” because we haven’t eaten in six hours. Yeah, you’re hungry… but you’re making that starving part up.

Possibility #2: We bring them on ourselves.

Bad relationships, low-paying jobs, broken down cars, and loneliness are sometimes caused by external factors. But most of the time it’s because you ignored the warning signs, sold yourself short, and limited yourself to your fullest potential. Sorry to tell you this, but it’s probably your own fault your life sucks.

Possibility #3: We don’t avoid them.

Are you one of those kids that touches the stove, even though you were told it was hot? What about the people that always seem to be astounded when their houses get destroyed by a hurricane — didn’t you see if coming, living on the east coast and all?

Lots of trials can be avoided. Yet we seem to always be rolling the dice, hoping snake eyes don’t come up.

Possibility #4: We seek them out.

We all know that one person that always seems to be busy. Busy, busy, busy. No time for play, no time for relaxation, no time for service, no time for lunch. No time to do anything, because she’s busy — pitifully busy.

Yet here’s a secret that she’ll never admit to: she doesn’t HAVE to be busy all the time. Yet she wants to be, because that makes her a martyr. That earns her the pity and respect of her friends, and that’s more satisfying than anything else in the world.

This last type of person — the one that seeks out trials and tribulation — is the one that worries me the most.

While I don’t believe that the perfect life is a trial-free life, I do believe that its best to learn what we need to learn from trials and then moving on as quickly as possible.

The best way to move on from a trial is to recognize where it’s coming from. If it happens to be one of the above four sources, know that your trial is only going to last as long as you let it. Because you’re bringing it on yourself.

Today I decided to try something different instead of a Sunday nap. I sat down cross-legged on my bedroom floor and meditated for ten minutes.

While listening to soft music, I tried to control my breathing and cause myself to relax. As I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth, I could feel the stress and cares of the world slipping away as if through the tips of my fingers.

After just ten minutes I feel better than if I had taken a two hour nap. I may have just found the cure for getting through long days of work and school.

I realized today that most of my problems in life happen for one big reason: I’m not being true to myself.

Have you ever wondered why a teenager is such an emotional roller coaster? It’s not the hormones. It’s the lack of self-identity. When a teenager does something, he doesn’t know why he’s doing it. He doesn’t know who he is.

I occasionally find the same thing happening to me. When I get frustrated with myself, it’s because I’m not doing things the way that I know I’m supposed to do them. I’m not being the person I’m supposed to be. I’m not living up to expectations of sorts, and it’s frustrating.

To loosely quote Shakespeare: to thine own self be true, and thou canst not be confused when looking in the mirror.

This article is the first of many articles written for my “Ethics in Business” course at Brigham Young University. I share them here with the hope that they may be useful to a wider audience.

Does morality depend on religion? People have avoided this question for centuries. If you say that morality DOES depend on religion, then do nonreligious people lack morals? But if you say the opposite — that morality doesn’t depend on religion — then what’s the point of having a religion anyway? Isn’t a religion something that gives you ‘morals’ to stand for?

The Divine Command Theory

The Divine Command Theory says that morality is essentially a religious decision. In his book Do the Right Thing, James Rachels explains that Divine Command Theory states that ‘morally right’ means ‘commanded by God’ and ‘morally wrong’ means ‘forbidden by God.’

This theory sounds good at face value. Yet in Plato’s dialogue Euthyphro, Socrates asks a compelling question: is conduct right because the gods command it, or do the gods command it because it is right?

Searching through Christian scripture makes the issue more complicated. Not only does God give a lot of commandments — there are countless situations when God commands different things to different people (for an example of this in LDS scripture, compare 1 Ne 4:10-18 and Mosiah 13:21). Can some things be right at one time, yet wrong at another? How are we supposed to know?

Universal Principles

I believe the universe is governed by universal principles. If something is right, it’s right. If something is wrong, it’s wrong. God follows these rules when commanding us to do things. In fact, he helps us know what’s right when it’s impossible for us to know ourselves.

Saying that God obeys certain universal principles doesn’t diminish his authority or status. Rather, it explains that God has a rhyme and a reason for everything he asks of us. We’re not slaves to the fickle will of an overbearing monarch. We’re willful servants of a loving Heavenly Father that helps us follow universal principles.

Not Deontological Principles

Immanuel Kant, a German philosopher with a rather large forehead, talked a lot about universal principles called “categorical imperatives.” These imperatives are principles that are “intrinsically valid; they are good in and of themselves; they must be obeyed in all, and by all, situations and circumstances if our behavior is to observe the moral law.” Kant was all about universal principles to the very end of his life. His theories make up an ethical framework called deontology.

I don’t believe in universal principles the way that Kant does. As already shown earlier, God commands different things at different times, and sometimes those commandments can be contradictory. While a principle may be correct for us at a particular time, it might not be valid for everyone else at different times. Kant didn’t believe that — for him, the categorical imperatives were very black and white, no grays allowed.

The Original Dilemma

Yet these gray areas are what bring us back to the original dilemma. Does morality depend on religion? Only to the extent that a religion follows true, universal principles. Is it possible that a single religion could contain all of these principles, in one place? Of course.

“As I write, highly civilized human beings are flying overhead, trying to kill me. They do not feel any enmity against me as an individual, nor I against them. They are only “doing their duty,” as the saying goes. Most of them, I have no doubt, are kind-hearted law abiding men who would never dream of committing murder in private life. On the other hand, if one of them succeeds in blowing me to pieces with a well-placed bomb, he will never sleep any the worse for it.”