Next week’s movies:

• Burnt Offerings [Lackey]
  
• Calvaire [Lackey]
• Children of the Corn [The Drudgeon]
• De dødes tjern [Fuzzyscribble]
• Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver [The Drudgeon]
• Mountaintop Motel Massacre [Jori]
• The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave [Jori]

Next week’s TV:

• Fringe: “The Transformation” (S1E13) [Lackey]
  
• Highschool of the Dead: Episodes 10-12 & OVA [The Drudgeon]
  
• The Vampire Diaries: “Family Ties” (S1E05) [Robin Franson Pruter]

There’s a fine line between parody and homage.

* * *

Boris Karloff. Bela Lugosi. Lon Chaney, Jr. They reunite in TERROR IN THE TROPICS, which was made in . . . 2005?! How can this be?!

Remember that episode of TALES FROM THE CRYPT, which kinda-sorta starred Humphrey Bogart? They used old footage of him and molded it to fit the script’s needs. Well, writer/director A. Susan Svehla does just this, and not just with the aforementioned actors, but also with a lot of old stock footage and even more scenes from forgotten movies in the public domain.

A mysterious millionaire dies, and he names a handful of strangers as his inheritors. However, in order to get their reward, they must go to Fog Island. One of them, Mary Ankers, has a couple of reporters along with her to cover the story. Together, this odd assortment of b-movie staples encounter a lot of eerie situations and curious people. When it becomes apparent that the folks on Fog Island have nefarious purposes in mind for Mary, the others must—

Actually, it doesn’t really matter. None of it does, because this isn’t actually a movie; it’s a gimmick. Granted, it’s a pretty cool gimmick, but at its heart, it lacks the originality and creative drive that produces a true work of art. The main concern with this film is, something like this can easily fall from being a noble homage to an unimportant parody.

It’s very apparent that everyone involved in this film truly loves these movies of old, and they do their best to reproduce them, rather than make fun of them. While the dialogue is obvious, it is still pretty catchy, just like back then. They use bad models, but hey! That was par for the course back then. They even do an excellent job of getting the picture to look like an old film, scratches and pops and all.

But they’re just not good enough to perfectly blend the old scenes with the modern ones. The ones shot in 2005 are too obvious, and even though they did their best to dirty them up, they seem too clean, to focused. The actors do their best to act like folks did back then. They get an A for effort, but they just can’t pull it off. And when they do the old spinning newspaper headlines bit, it just doesn’t come off well.

The fight scenes are bad, which works out for the movie. Some of the dubbing is awful, which doesn’t do much for viewers at all. But they do use the expected tribal dance number. And Claymation dinosaurs! They have those, too!

But the biggest strength of the film is the music. It perfectly imitates the soundtracks of the old days, almost to the point where one wonders if they borrowed those from some forgotten stock folder.

Is this great? No. There’s not a lot of substance to it. Is it fun? Hell yeah! If you loved watching Lugosi, Karloff, and Chaney in some of their lesser known flicks, this is an absolute must for you.

Two new members join and someone’s secret past is revealed.

* * *

So because of a dog outside of the apartment where they are staying, the zombies are now being lured to them.  With the apartment loaded with supplies, guns, ammo, warm beds and running water will they leave to find their relatives?

Episode 07 – Dead Night And The Dead Ruck

We begin with Kohta, Takashi and Saeko talking about how things have changed and Saeko tells Takashi to look around and realize that they can’t save everyone.  As Takashi watches the chaos through some binoculars, he sees a father and daughter run up to a house.  We switch to their view as the father is pleading to let at least his daughter in.  The door opens and the father is killed.  As the daughter cries over his body the zombies are now alerted to her presence and start their approach.  Takashi and Kohta decide that they can’t just sit back and let the little girl die, so while Kohta takes out zombies with his guns, Takashi will ride the motorcycle to go and get her.  There is a problem with the rescue when Takashi falls off the bike and the exit is blocked by zombies.  The girls spring into action and get the Humvee rolling.

The best part about this episode is that it goes back to the “normal” formula of the series, story over boobs.  Don’t get me wrong there will always be bouncing boobs and panty shots, but at least it’s not like last episode.  Now there are two main things that happen in this episode.  First we meet two new characters, the young girl, Alice (Ayana Taketatsu), and the dog, Zeke (Hitomi Harada).  The second is that the characters are still human after all.  After all of the chaos, they feel that most of their humanity is lost and that they need to only protect themselves.  But it’s Kohta that snaps everyone out of it.  Takashi asks him what he’s doing and he replies that it’s just a little girl.  That’s all that they needed to hear to realize that they are still human.

Things we learn this episode about these zombies.

There is nothing more that we learn until further notice.

Episode 08 – The Dead Way Home

The episode begins with an outside shot of Air Force One and next we see that the president has been bitten, though not turned yet.  After a little of that we switch back to the main cast who are traveling and singing (okay only Kohta and Alice are singing).  Once across the river the girls decide to finally get changed out of their extremely revealing clothing.  They start heading towards Saya’s house, but once they really start their trip there, they realize that there is wire spread across the street and in an attempt to not hit it Shizuka quickly turns.  The Humvee skids so she hits the breaks, which causes Rei to fly off the roof and crash to the ground.  Everyone is shocked by what happened but once they see the hoard of zombies that are approaching, they realize that they are in some deep shit.  The outcome is looking really bad and everyone thinks that it’s pretty much over, that is until Zeke runs out of the car and bites one of the zombies.  Takashi and Saeko take his “advice” and run headlong into the hoard.  Swinging wooden sword and rifle to try and lure them away from the rest.  The bad part is that it doesn’t seem to be working and most of the hoard is still heading toward the group.

This is another good episode that is overshadowed by more bouncing boobs.  This time there is no actual nudity, but the ending scene where they are trapped by the zombies and Takashi is firing the gun that is still strapped to Rei, and each time he fires they emphasize her boobs reacting to each shot and it just really took away from the tension that was being built.  As I have said before, take out the fan service and this would be one of the best animes out there.

Episode 09 – The Sword And Dead

With Takashi and Saeko separated from the rest of the group they are forced to try and make it to Saya’s house with no help.  Takashi comes up with an idea to find another motorcycle but Saeko brings up a good point about riding a motorcycle and fighting which just won’t end well.  She finds an amphibious vehicle that works a lot better.  They end up on a sand dune and get to talking and Takashi learns that Saeko did like a man at some point but something didn’t work.  After leaving the dune they get into a little trouble and end up having to go on foot.  Saeko starts taking down zombies left and right until she is about to strike down a child zombie and then she freezes.  After Takashi shoots it in the face, they take refuge in a temple.  They get to talking and we find out that Saeko was attacked at one point when she was young and she used her wooden sword to pretty much murder the man.  That is the reason that she could never be loved by a man, because she took great pleasure in killing that man.  After some talking and Takashi taking responsibility for her actions from this point on, Saeko finally lets go (now with a real sword).

This was a good episode because you actually learn about one the characters’ past.  It’s interesting and nice to see Saeko, who is always so calm and collected, lose it and freeze up.  We learn that she has been controlling her killing urges just to be accepted and because she is ashamed.  Then, just like last episode, they toss in this strange scene where Saeko is still holding back so Takashi grabs her boob, squeezes it (pretty much to the point where it looked like a balloon about to pop), and explains to her that it’s okay to let go.  Sorry but the boob grabbing was just pointless.

In the end these are a good batch of episode with more of an emphasis on story and character than boobs.  But then the boobs make their appearance and the story is cheapened.  Again get rid of the god damned fan service and this show would be phenomenal.

They don’t make ‘em like this anymore. (Actually, maybe they never did…)

* * *

There was once a time when horror movies had a point, and it wasn’t to amuse you, to make you laugh with copious quipping and silly kills. No, the point of the horror movie was to scare you. And we’re not talking about the kind of quick, shallow scares (oh look, there’s someone walking behind someone else!) that cause you to yelp and clutch your S.O.’s hand…and are then quickly forgotten about. No, we’re talking about the kind of scares that make you soil your shorts, give you screaming nightmares and doubt the omnipresent love of God. Don’t you miss that time?

Of course you don’t, and the reason you don’t is because there never was such a time. It was invented by crotchety old fucks like me (I’m 40…well, nearly 40) as a sort of horror-fans’ equivalent of “Get off my lawn, you damn kids.” The reason horror movies are popular is because they’re entertainment. Sure you, could watch a steady diet of cinema extolling existential nihilism and alienation and set to a Goblin soundtrack, but then you’d end up staring down the barrel of middle age, resentful of the era you grew up in, unable to relate to people beyond sitting on the internet til all hours of the night ranting at people about how they’re just plain wrong about Fringe, but enough about me.

Still, the nice thing about this whole “throwback retro ’80s nostalgia” thing is that every so often someone will make the sort of movie they should have made in the ’80s but didn’t, because they were too busy trying to figure out what new, novel environment they could wedge Jason Voorhees into. The House of the Devil is one of those movies, and let me tell you, it is a crackerjack. It’s so good I’ll even forgive it for being about Satanists, a trope I’m usually not impressed with.

It stars Jocelin Donahue as Samantha, a college student who (at some indeterminate point between 1980 and 1989) takes a shady “babysitting” job for a ridiculous amount of money because she needs the dough to pay for her own apartment (all the better to get away from her slobby dorm roommate who apparently does nothing but shag her boyfriend 24/7). Is this offer too good to be true? Sweetheart, do you really need to ask me that question?

Writer/director Ti West has a job to do, and that’s scaring his audience. He does this by stripping down his formula to the bare minimum. Other than Samantha, there’s only a couple of roles that have more than a handful of scenes. The plot is very bare-bones–looking back on the movie, I’m a bit surprised at, in retrospect, how little actually happens–and the pace is set to “slow burn.” In fact, if there’s a single thing House of the Devil is about more than anything else, it’s tension. Be patient.

West is not interested in making you laugh. There’s a few laughs, but those expecting a Whedonesque deconstructive horror-comedy are going to be disappointed. If you’re one of those people, for Christ’s sake you need to realize that Buffy is not the be-all and end-all of Western civilization. West is also not interested in freaking you out every five minutes with jump-scares and the like. He confines the outright terror to three or four clumps throughout the film and one huge fucking ten-ton weight at the end. Undoubtedly some of you will roll your eyes and call this “boring,” and my advice to you is to is to take whatever it was your doctor prescribed you for your ADD, then shut up and watch the rest of the movie. Or maybe you should go find something with Will Smith and some explosions and watch that instead.

And have I mentioned the cast yet? Donahue seems to be a rarity amongst actresses nowadays: not only is she just plain adorable, particularly when she’s bouncing around the house in her mommy jeans (shut up, I think mommy jeans are hot!) to the tune of “One Thing Leads to Another,” she can also act. Meanwhile, Tom Noonan, Mary Woronov and A.J. Bowen have figured out that, when playing a villain, being subtle and reserved often works better than going over the top and trying to suck everything else in the movie towards you like you’re some sort of Method black hole.

Am I exaggerating my response to this film? Definitely. I like a good funny horror movie as much as the next guy (assuming the next guy isn’t Brent Bozell or someone like that), and I’m vocal in my love for Hatchet, Behind the Mask and The Cabin in the Woods. But I’ll be honest: I find West’s approach here refreshing. Entertainment is great. Deconstruction is just fine, when it works. But at the end of the day, all I want is to be terrified out of my tiny little mind–and I’d like to thank The House of the Devil for proving that it’s not too much to ask.

A beautiful drama with a great horror theme.

* * *

First and foremost let’s take a moment to acquaint ourselves with some geography.  I was pretty excited to get my hands on a film from the Republic of Macedonia, but what do we really know about it?  Apparently it used to be a part of Yugoslavia until the nineties when the people from the Balkan region all decided they wanted their own independence.  I don’t think Yugoslavia actually exists anymore, considering all the states seemed to have seceded.  Anyway, that little history lesson doesn’t mean much but hell it’s only proper that we have a tiny clue as to what culture we’re being exposed to. But enough about that, I am no history teacher after all.  (I claim to be a reviewer, but some might say even that is debatable!)

Dr. Lazar Perkov (Borce Nacev) loves his family very much, even if his bitch of a wife pisses him off.  And so during one of their arguments he decides to drive off in a huff.  (A different kind of road rage, perhaps?) He gets into a car accident and dies for a few minutes before he comes back.  Not that this is all miraculous because he spends a year recovering from his injuries.  We find out that his life really is pretty sad – a wife who wants nothing to do with him, an overbearing mother who makes his cold wife seem warm and fuzzy and some bizarre people he meets as he tries to adjust to living a normal life again.  Is he seeing ghosts everywhere or are his injuries from the accident more severe than everyone thinks?  And what the hell is up with the creepy old lady who breaks into his house to clean it?  (Bonus question:  Can I finagle my way into convincing you that this can truly be considered a horror movie?)

While we are dealing with the question of ghosts or madness, one might say this is definitely part of the horror genre.  However the structure of the story is more of a drama.  There are some mildly tense moments and pretty neat imagery but it isn’t really until right at the end that we see some horror poking out.  Is that bad?  Not necessarily.  It is a solid story that keeps you guessing much longer than usual. Considering the run time of two hours seems excessive at first glance, it really speaks for the compelling characters that I never once checked to see how much longer I had left.  (I tend to do that with most movies – even the ones I enjoy.)  It isn’t tense so much as it is intriguing, and the cinematography matches each scene beautifully.  We get glimpses of a different world (a tiny village, a fairly modern city and oh sweet Lord the gorgeous ocean view!) that keeps us engaged enough to not get bored with the plot.

More than a hokey drama this is a very interesting story about debts owed.  We are forever connected to our family, whether we like it or not.  It’s kind of scary really, that we would be held responsible for something some other tool in our gene pool did.  With outstanding performances by the cast, especially Nacev as the slowly deteriorating Lazar and Vesna Stanojevska as the beguiling Menka, one can’t help but lean in and await resolution with some eagerness.  Director/writer Milcho Manchevski tells his story not only through the characters but also through scenery.  He is like Scheherazade with her thousand and one stories that kept the King going.  By the end of my two hour journey into Macedonia, I was both satisfied and yet curious to see more.  It’s a shame really that I can’t give it a higher rating, but if I take my feelings out of the equation I have to admit that this won’t satisfy a lot of fans that are looking for something solidly horror.  The elements are there and they are blended in seamlessly but the fact remains that this is more of a drama than anything else.

A superhero story gone wrong.

* * *

The movie begins with Quentin Kemmer (Devon Gummersall) waking up and getting ready for work.  As he leaves he sees the woman of his dreams Stephanie Lewis (Amelia Heinle).  They walk down together and do some talking.  Once outside she is picked on by two local “punks” and there is very little Quentin can do, but she ends up telling them off.  Before going to work Quentin stops at is favorite place, a local comic book store that is run by his friend Han (John Cho) and while there he sees a new statue of his favorite comic character, the Arachnid Avenger, who is really wants to be like.  After that he goes to work and does his normal rounds.  In one of the rooms there are new experiments that are going on with spiders.  It seems that they are extracting blood from one of the spiders and injecting it into other spiders.  He comes back from his rounds and his partner, Nick Bezis (Mario Roccuzzo), has left to check on some trouble.  A shoot out ensues and Nick is killed.  Quentin takes it really hard because he wants to be a hero like the Arachnid Avenger, but he is just a normal human with no powers.  After he is questioned by Inspector Jack Grillo (Dan Aykroyd) he sees the blood from the “super spider” and decides to inject himself with it.  Will Quentin become a superhero like the Arachnid Avenger or will he change into something completely different?

One of the biggest surprises of the movie is how good the acting actually is.  Devon Gummersall does a great job with his role.  He is able to show a very happy guy with no problem, but he is able to show the sadness of a loser that is stuck in his own fantasy world.  Then when he starts turning, he is really good a first showing excitement for the change and then the terror of what he is actually becoming.  Truly a great performance.  Amelia Heinle does a good job with her role.  She is a tough girl that can handle herself, but when she is attacked she shows her vulnerable side that she likes to keep hidden.  Now Dan Aykroyd plays a detective that has been through some shit on the job, he lost his partner and because of that he has gone soft, and to top off those problems, his wife runs around in front of him.  Dan Aykroyd plays his part very well but you do question why his character does what he does, but then you realize that he is a good and honorable man.  There is one scene where his character is looking at his wife that is at his feet and the sadness in his eyes is quite powerful.  He can do comedy and serious with great effectiveness.

The effects are pretty good overall.  The use of CG wasn’t as painful I was expecting it to be and the use of prosthetics was great.  The small changes that are done throughout the movie are really good and by the time we get to his final state it just look really great.  Believable and cool at the same time.  Now there is one scene that really did bug me though.  Quentin is in the hallway and he sprouts his extra legs.  It looks pretty neat but then he turns towards the camera and has a smirk on his face like he is saying look at how cool this looks.  It’s like the director was overly impressed with the effects and had to specifically point it out.  It just felt out of place.

This was a fun movie overall but what really sold me about the movie was the ending.  Actually it was more the overall tone of the movie itself.  Most of the time you see the loser character finally overcome his problems and become a superhero in the end.  With this movie they take him turning into a spider with a more realistic view.  Spiders need to eat “fresh” food and having Quentin consistently fighting that urge is really nice to see.  When he finally does crack and eat you can really feel for him.  Another thing that was really great was that he finally did get the girl, but only for a few seconds because of his transformation.  In mid-transformation he finally asks her if she would have ever dated him.  She responds with a yes but he never asked.  The reality of him not having to be a hero to be happy finally sinks in and it really crushes him.  Then we get the ending.  No walking into the sunset with the girl of his dreams and no cures for the problem here, just plain and simple harsh reality.

A paint-by-numbers thriller with a good cast (but the only thing most people are likely to care about is Katie Holmes’s nude scene).

* * *

A long time ago Sam Raimi and Billy Bob Thornton made A Simple Plan, and wow was that ever a fantastic movie. Things were simpler then: Raimi was the cult-figure who directed Darkman and the Evil Dead movies, not the architect of blockbusters such as Spider-Man. Thornton was riding high on the success of Sling Blade and we all took him a bit more seriously then (would we say the same of Tom Petty?). A couple of years later, the two teamed up again to make The Gift–this time with Thornton as co-screenwriter instead of actor, basing the story on his mother’s allegedly psychic experiences. Can lightning strike twice?

Annabelle “Annie” Wilson is a widow raising three young boys in a small Southern town; she supports herself with her late husband’s Social Security money and does psychic readings (with Zener cards, which strikes me as really weird, but whatever) on the side. Donnie Barksdale, the town asshole, takes offense to this (partially because it’s against God, and partially because Annie has figured out that Donnie is beating the shit out of his wife on a regular basis and is advising her to leave him) and begins to terrorize her. At around the same time, local shameless hussy Jessica King–who’s engaged to the local grade school principal, but is banging at least two other guys on the side–disappears. Annie has a dream that suggests Jesse is dead, her body left in a nearby pond, and tells the police such.

How much you want to bet she’s right? How much you want to bet that pond is on Donnie Barksdale’s property? How much you want to bet that Donnie Barksdale actually didn’t kill Jesse?

What I love about The Gift is how late-nineties it all is. About halfway through the film, there’s a scene where Keanu Reeves (playing Donnie) jumps out of his pickup truck, yells at Hilary Swank (Donnie’s wife Valerie) to shut the fuck up, storms over to Cate Blanchett (Annie) and punches her in the gut; as a result of these actions, Greg Kinnear (Wayne Collins, Jesse’s fiancee) socks him in the face and J.K. Simmons (local sheriff Pearl Johnson) pulls a gun on him. The festivities are interrupted by the discovery of the half-naked corpse of Katie Holmes (Jesse).

These days, no studio in the world is willing to give the money required to assemble a cast like that to anyone not named Bay, Nolan or Woody Allen. That’s just too much 2012 money (these days, Blanchett probably pays her staff of PAs and handlers more than she made from The Gift). But those were the days when Blanchett and Swank were merely noteworthy actresses instead of huge stars (it wasn’t until after the Lord of the Rings movies that my best friend stopped confusing Blanchett with Kate Winslet), Kinnear still wasn’t taken entirely seriously in his post-Talk Soup days despite an Oscar nomination, and Holmes was still America’s Sweetheart on Dawson’s Creek. (If she’s her generation’s answer to Alyssa Milano, her topless scenes make The Gift an upscale equivalent to Embrace of the Vampire.)

They all do pretty much all right, particularly Blanchett, Kinnear, Simmons and (this is gonna surprise everyone) Reeves; perhaps not coincidentally, they also tend to rely the least on fake accents. By comparison, Swank, Holmes, and Deadwood’s Kim Dickens all sound like they’re auditioning for GCB, or at least they would have if GCB existed in 1999…but pretend they’re not talking and their characters jump higher on the convince-o-meter.

The massive problem, other than the lack of convincing hick accents, is the lack of original characterization and plot development. Reeves does a fine job of coming off like he’s sitting on a powderkeg temper, but Thorton and cowriter Tom Epperson pile on Evil Hilbilly tropes (Donnie telling Annie that she isn’t “any better than a nigger or a Jew” feels particularly gratuitous). The pain and anguish of Wayne being bound to a faithless woman is evident in every one of Kinnear’s facial expressions, but the narrative flow of The Gift is so obvious that you can figure out everything he (and everyone else) is going to do twenty minutes before it actually happens. It doesn’t help that Raimi hasn’t exactly brought his “A” game–there are a few nice atmospheric shots, but mostly the direction reinforces the idea that The Gift is less of a major studio film with an eight-figure-budget than a sleazy Lifetime Movie Network time-killer. I found myself wondering if Jennie Garth or Rob Lowe were going to make an appearance. (They didn’t…but Gary Cole did.)

That all said, it’s not a bad showcase for the cast. And for Katie Holmes’s boobs. I’m sure that’s got to count for something.

Yaaawwwnnn……

* * *

Bullying is huge right now – it’s the “it” cause of the moment so I thought this might be a neat way to get in on that action.  Romero is after all the foremost expert in heavy handed social commentary.  Except I’m left wondering if Romero’s previous successes were the result of luck or if his age is really catching up to him.  Either way we are presented with an “edgy” TV-movie that literally put me to sleep.

Henry Creedlow (Jason Flemyng) is a sad sack of a man.  His best friend is embezzling money from his investments, his wife is having an affair with his boss, his maid steals and insults him in Spanish and even the damn dog picks on him.  He is the poster child for someone who is a victim of bullying.  And like most kids that get bullied, he sits there and takes it because he feels so powerless that there don’t seem to be any other options available.  That is until he wakes up one day to find that his face has been replaced by a crappy “mask” that is blank.  Gee thanks George, if you hadn’t done that we wouldn’t have realized that he was losing his own identity the more he allowed everyone around him to pummel his self-worth.  So he goes on a killing spree to exact revenge on his tormentors while we have to sit through and wonder why we still speak of Romero in hushed tones of respect.

Stone me now, because all the blame lies squarely on Romero’s aged shoulders.  This was written and directed by him and it still feels like he wasn’t sure what the hell he wanted to do.  The only solid thing here is the overall theme of bullying and identity.  Everything else is a mismatched jumble of mediocrity.  Every character is a dull representation of what real people are supposed to be with the exception of Peter Stormare’s Milo, Henry’s boss.  I don’t necessarily blame Stormare for his ridiculous portrayal because a lot of that has to do with the director keeping him on track.  He was as outrageous as Vikram from A Serbian Film, except Vikram fit into an equally absurd world.  It’s a bit disconcerting to have dull characters interrupted by a solitary whirlwind of apparent comedy.  At least I’m assuming he was meant for comedic relief. (Which is another irritation right there!  If I wanted to laugh I would choose a film that was specifically meant to be funny.)  We all have to be on the same page to make a story work and the character of Milo was a dozen libraries away from the rest of the cast.

The sad part is that we don’t even get any death scenes worthy of remembering.  I’ve seen more brutal (and gorgeous) deaths on Game of Thrones!  So with an entire film that is pieced together like a 10 year old learning to quilt, it really doesn’t matter if the subject is compelling or important.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  George Romero needs to retire.  Exit out with as much grace as you can muster sir, because your name has already been soiled.  While I applaud the attempt at commentary on bullying before it became popular to do so, this film in no way makes an impact.  It isn’t bad enough to laugh at, but it isn’t good either.  It stands as a forgettable entry on Romero’s resume that only causes disappointment for his fans.

Mutant Midget Nazi Zombies!  Need I say more?

* * *

The movie starts with some cheesy rock music playing and a hitchhiker gets picked up by a guy.  The hitchhiker then decides to go skinny dipping and convinces her driver to join.  While in the water she ends up drowning him (but somehow blood starts coming from under the water) and her and three others mock the dead person.  We then switch to a band, , who are performing.  After the performance they go backstage where they are talking about groupies and the like.  Lead singer Jessie (E.J. Curcio) is pretty much done with the whole stardom thing so he decides to leave backstage.  While leaving he meets a girl named Cassie (Jennifer Coe) who forewarns him to not do his next gig in her hometown.  The band ends up going anyway and once they get there (and after a music video montage) they are already in trouble and tossed in jail.  The town doesn’t look very kindly toward rock music and they try their hardest to stop them from playing.  After getting out of jail Jessie talks with Cassie again and they start to form a connection, but she warns him again.  The band ends up staying with the same hitchhiker that was show earlier in the movie and her family.  All of them seem to be a bit off kilter, but amongst them is a midget (or dwarf, correct me if I’m wrong) named Mickey (Phil Fondacaro), Elsa (Lisa Toothman) who is an older woman that can turn into a werewolf, and an old man (Jack Bliesener) that has a strange reveal in the middle of the movie.  As the band practices they are almost killed by being electrocuted, but after that they are actually killed.  Can the song that Jesse was working earlier, that kept bringing a spider back to life, bring the band back to life?

What can I say about the acting in this movie beside stiff?  Throughout the whole movie it seems to have a vibe of parody.  There are numerous scenes where the movie isn’t taking itself serious, but most of the actors seem to not let go and have fun.  It’s like they thought that a movie called Hard Rock Zombies was going to launch them into stardom.  Now E.J. Curcio is one of the few that actually seemed to get what was going on.  When his character was supposed to be serious, he tried with all his might, then it came to the band performing and he had no problem playing that straight, but then came his zombie form (which was just silly) and he seemed to have some fun with it.  Now Jennifer Coe was one of the strangest actors in the movie.  She always looked like she was going to cry or it was like she had something to hide.  I could never trust her and I just don’t know why.  My favorite had to be Jack Bliesener who played the old man.  He was really funny and then he made his change and holy shit it was even funnier.  He took his role on with complete conviction and he seemed to have a blast with it.  One of the best this bizarre movie has to offer.

The effects of the movie are just terrible, but then again I really don’t think that they were really going for anything great.  The zombie makeup was a joke, the bizarre mutant midget’s makeup was extremely cheap (to the point that he really wasn’t able to do anything but stand around), and all of the kills are pretty much done entirely off screen.  Now as terrible as the effects are they still seems to fit.  The whole movie seems to be a giant circus of freaks that had nothing better to do for the weekend.  So terrible effects in this movie are okay in my book, because the whole movie has that feel of terrible for the sake of having fun and that’s exactly what you should expect.

Why do I love this movie as much as I do?  I could easily say that I don’t know, but then I’d be lying to you and I can’t do that.  Is it the acting?  The terrible effects?  The fact that there are mutant midget Nazi zombies?  Actually it’s all of that and more.  Now I could sit here and lie to you all day telling you that if you look past the bad acting, terrible effects and strange story you will find a truly great movie.  But the fact is that this movie is just bizarre and that’s why I love it.  There are so may strange things that happen and most of the time they don’t even bother to explain anything to you.  You are just forced to sit there and watch this train wreck of a movie unfold, then refold, then twist and turn and eventually take a dump on you and there is really nothing you can do about it.  Of course you can turn it off, but there is a side of most people that what to know exactly what is going on and how much further they will go.  This is one of the strangest movies that I have ever seen and I won’t lie to you.  Most people will hate it, ignore it and play Plants Versus Zombies (ha ha ha) or turn it off after the second music number that you are assaulted with, but if you can stick it out you will be surprised by what you watch (and not really in a good way).  I just hope that at some point and time a DVD distribution company will recognize the genius (okay that’s really a lie) behind this movie and we can finally get a cleaned up version of it instead of the bad VHS transfer that is available.  Lastly Cassie’s Song is really an awesome song.

Like Oklahoma just without singing or safety.

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Show Premise:

Sheriff Rick Grimes after waking from a coma, finding his family and a small group of survivors in a post-apocalyptic zombie infested world. He attempts to lead his family and survivors to safety at Fort Bennett after the CDC and its lone scientist are destroyed, the search for Sophia ending with her corpse in Hershel’s Barn the group hopes to reside there for safety.

Warning

The following review is rated SIN (Sincerely Intrigued Negro), it contains several rants that appear at random. The views here do not reflect the thoughts of a completely sane person. They are being presented by a person of African-American descent who has grown up in a rather unseemly portion of town, taken recreational narcotics and has been molested by a clown. Feel free to skip certain paragraphs, if you simply want a recap and continued review of the episode. Hipster, child, feline and vegan discretion is advised.

Review:

My review’s gonna contain a full episode recap, so spoiler alert bitches!

This episode opens with the shot heard round the zombieverse going into Sophia’s head. You could see the resolve on Rick’s face as he did it but that open hurt and sense of longing are plain on his face as well. It’s reminiscent of the look he got in episode one season one (see my review) when he has to put down bicycle girl. However, in the here and now, we are dealing with the aftermath of the powder keg everyone had been hoping would not go off. But as usual, Shane’s explosive temper ripped those hopes to shreds. A very interesting question that needed to be asked was brought up by Shane and as usual great question, piss poor timing. “You knew she was in there, didn’t you?” Of course, Hershel, still in shock, denies it and says Otis must have been the one that put her in there. Which I am inclined to believe except you see Patricia, Otis’ girlfriend, breaking the legs of some chickens and tossing them down to some zombies from the hayloft. Looking at things from this perspective, she had to have noticed the little girl in there at least once right? Of course, when the question’s asked she had nothing to say. Skipping over this quandary, things with Glenn and Maggie are in a strange place thanks to a misinterpreted comment he made about moving on after discovering Sophia is dead. She thinks Sophia was his only reason to stick around which would put them on unsure footing for relationship sake. What he actually meant was as macabre as the world is the thought of banding together to find her alive and well had been overshadowed up to this point with the looming question of is she alive or dead. Having confirmation, as hard as that is, means now that they know they can start the process of getting on with their lives. In either case, Glenn doesn’t know what he wants to do.

Now the group is preparing for an impromptu burial for Sophia, Maggie’s step brother, and her mom, then burn the rest. Hershel, of course, wants Shane off his land and potentially everyone else with him. Rick is having a moment of doubt and dealing with a lot of internal conflict and Shane is mounting his “I’m right” high horse and brooding .They hold the funerals which Carol chooses not to attend. Meanwhile Maggie and Glenn go for round 2 of discussions. Her sister Beth passes out doing the dishes and goes all catatonic, they seek Hershel out for help but once he is nowhere to be found, it’s Glenn and Rick on a search mission to find him. Rick and Glenn hit the bar in town and sure enough they hit the mark when they find Hershel drowning his sorrows. Meanwhile back at the ranch, Dale lets Lori know just how dangerous Shane is by giving her his theory which Shane didn’t deny of his sacrificing Otis to the walkers. Lori starts getting worried and asks Darryl to go after Rick and company but he declines to which she replies that he is selfish. After he reads her the riot act about the bullet and the arrow he took during the wild goose chase for Sophia, he tells her if she wants him that bad she can go get him herself.

Back at the bar, Rick tries to talk Hershel through his loss of faith and get him back to his girls with the new found realization that he had been feeding corpses the whole time and that there is no cure, Hershel doesn’t seem to have a reason to go on. Rick starts to win him over by yelling him they have to live to give the others hope even if they don’t believe in hope themselves.

Right at that moment of mutual understanding, two new guys walk in to the bar. The two guys, Jimmy and Tony, inform them that Fort Bennett is a wasteland and try to pump them for information about where they’ve come from. To keep the group safe, everyone keeps their lips sealed until a large warning flag goes up when Tony talks about needing to get laid and asks if there were any women in their group. Jimmy keeps asking if they can go to their farm and when Rick’s blatant refusals become solidified no’s they go for their weapons and Rick has to put them both down OK Corral style. In the meantime, we get a reminder of why women make damned terrible drivers. Lori is off checking her map and careens right into a lone zombie flipping her car before she even gets a chance to reach the town where her husband is. The good hands people are not going to be happy about this.

This episode is what a mid-season premier is supposed to be. It kept me intrigued the story progressed and we watched the character solidify who the characters were going to be for the rest of the season. The acting was awesome and you get the feeling the sweet old Rick is gone and the take no prisoners and the by any means necessary Rick has taken his place. I wish I could grow another hand just to give this episode another thumbs up. I am actually pretty psyched about the next episode which is Trigger Finger. So I will see you next review. Until then, may all your films bring fright.

Tim Burton + Johnny Depp + Vampires = Formulaic Fun!

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Okay. Let’s get one thing clear right off the bat. I’ve never seen Dark Shadows the TV series. I’ve heard about it, sure. I knew who Barnabas Collins was. I knew it was a melodramatic soap opera. That’s about the extent of my knowledge. When I heard that a movie adaptation was in the works, I was curious. I got pretty excited when I heard that Johnny Depp was going to play Barnabas with Tim Burton directing. Being a big fan of the Burton/Depp dream team, I was looking forward to the finished product. Then I saw the trailer. I have to admit, I was a bit taken aback with the humorous tone Burton decided to take with his adaptation of Dark Shadows. However, after subsequent viewings of the trailer, it grew on me. I found myself anticipating its release (after The Avengers, of course. Priorities). And after seeing the finished product, I have to say I enjoyed it a lot. Much of that enjoyment probably stems from my lack of knowledge of the original series, which allowed me see Dark Shadows for what it is: an enjoyable, yet pretty predictable fish out of water comedic horror movie that only Tim Burton can deliver.

In 1772, after spurring the affections of a witch named Angelique (Eva Green), Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) is cursed to exist as a vampire for all eternity. To make matters worse, Angelique has Barnabas locked inside a casket and buried away.

Fast forward 200 years. Barnabas is uncovered and released by a group of construction workers. A freshly awoken and fed Barnabas makes his way to his home, Collinwood where we’re introduced to the present day incarnation of the Collins family. Including matriarch Elizabeth Collins Stoddard (Michelle Pfeiffer), her daughter Carolyn (Chloë Grace Moretz), her brother Roger (Johnny Lee Miller), his son David (Gulliver McGrath), and David’s live-in doctor, Julia Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter). We also get to meet Victoria Winters (Bella Heathcote), who bares a striking resemblence to Barnabas’ lost love, Josette. Unfortunately, news of Barnabas’ release reaches other, sinister ears. Can Barnabas restore the family and it’s business to it’s former glory? Can he resist the infernal charms of the witch who cursed him? Most importantly, can he find a comfortable place to sleep?

All of the actors do a pretty good job with their roles, though many of them are not as flushed out as I would have liked to have seen. For instance, I would’ve liked to have seen more from the groundskeeper, Willie (Jackie Earle Haley), and a little more backstory about the shady Roger. It’s pretty cool seeing Johnny Depp as a vampire, and he does a pretty good job as Barnabas. I also liked Helena Bonham Carter’s Dr. Hoffman. Even Christopher Lee makes a cameo in the film.

As I stated above, I went into Dark Shadows not knowing anything really about the show that inspired it, so I enjoyed the story. I thought it was a pretty entertaining film. There is a lot of humor sprinkled throughout the movie that I’m sure will not please fans of the original show, but I found the humor enjoyable. (The scene with Barnabas and the Hippies, for instance.) In all honesty, it’s not Tim Burton’s best, or Johnny Depp’s for that matter, and I did have a few issues with it. The biggest problems I have with the film stem from it’s predictability. The plot was pretty cookie cutter fare, so if you’re looking for twists and turns in this story, I’d advise you to look elsewhere. That’s not to say they didn’t try to give us a plot twist toward the end of the movie, but it just felt tacked on. Like a twist for the sake of one. It should have been developed more.

All in all, Dark Shadows is a good movie. I can understand how the infusion of humor into what is supposed to be based on a serious narrative can discourage many fans of the TV show, but if you can set your expectations aside for a couple of hours or, like me, go into it with no expectations at all, then you’ll find some fun to be had with this latest Burton/Depp collaberation.

Dark Shadows receives Hunter’s stake of approval!