Forever Fatimah

Support my team for the 1st annual Gaza 5K Run/Walk in Brooklyn!

2015-02-17T16:03:00.000-05:00

As you know, the occupation and consequent devastation in Gaza is near and dear to my heart. This past summer in particular, homes, schools, and the people of Gaza have suffered an unspeakable loss.

While the spirit and resiliency of Gazans continue to astound me, the fact is that almost 100% of the 400,000 children in Gaza now suffer from PTSD and mental health issues. Any child above six years old has now been exposed to three wars. This is no way to live.

I found an opportunity that gives back to the Gazans and that combines some of my favorite things: Prospect Park, Mental Health, Palestine, and You. It would mean the world to me if you supported me for this event.

Sign up, donate, or spread the word. Anything helps.Team BK2Palestine:
https://unrwausa.fundly.com/1st-annual-gaza-5k-walk-run-brooklyn-nyc-nyc-2-palestine

Proceeds from the Gaza 5K walk/run will benefit UNRWA’s Community Mental Health Program for Palestinian children in Gaza suffering from psychological trauma and PTSD due to the devastating crisis of July-August 2014 and the prolonged blockade. Many of these already vulnerable children have now lived through three traumatic rounds of violence, witnessing death, destruction, and displacement. It's estimated that almost 100% of children in Gaza now require immediate counseling.

These children need our support now, and that’s why your participation is so critical. Whether you participate as a sponsor, runner, walker, or cheerleader, we want to see you there!

ABOUT THE GAZA 5K
By participating, you will directly support UNRWA’s psycho-social support program to provide these children with critically needed counseling services, offering them a safe space to express their emotions and fears, and the opportunity to work with trained counselors to learn valuable coping skills.

GET SOCIAL

Join the conversation on social media by using #Gaza5K in your posts and tweets!

The courage to be

2013-09-07T12:30:00.000-04:00

Cup of coffee in hand and breeze forming around me as I sit on the fire escape, I pick up the first book on my windowsill, "The courage to be." I thought twice about flipping through pages that may spur me to think too deeply on a light Saturday morning. Remembering that I've already read the first few chapters, I browsed through the sections that had previously grabbed me and were marked with pencil.

Of course, what I ended up reading was exactly what I needed to read:

Epictetus says, "For it is not death or hardship that is a fearful thing, but the fear of death and hardship." Our anxiety puts frightening masks over all men and things. [Paul Tillich] p. 13

"The mask" is a powerful metaphor that resonates with the anxiety and fear I sometimes place over others and experiences. It strips away reality and in its places lies a wild imagination that distorts the true nature of others and heightens our fear. Tillich says that those horrors connected with imagination, which is true even of death, (i.e. the final hour merely completes the death process, as we are dying every day) vanish once the "mask is taken away from the image of death."

I realize that both death and fear are heavy subjects, but at this point, I still remain light. It is always easier for me to process these matters in hindsight, when I can remain more objective. I called a friend to ruminate on the subject, and dug deeper into the masks I place on others. The anxiety that I had been building created a false sense of security; if I feel anxious or guilty over things, it legitimizes the own mask I place on myself. It shows that I have a conscious.

I'm realizing more and more that it does nothing of the sort. It has only limited my freedom and my relationships with those I place masks on. I came away with the affirmation that I would begin to show more of myself, in effort to also give others the chance to be who they really are. While it's become a normality to shift identities around different people and environments, my shape shifting has become less fluid and requires more energy between "changes." I now question if that's how I want to spend my energy.

With that, I hope that I can truly find the courage to be.

on getting lost

2013-03-22T23:10:00.000-04:00

Imagine that you are new to a city, whether by travel or new home.

When you seek out a destination, whether by foot, car, or subway, there is a lot that can happen from the first moment to the last.

The first moments may look different for everyone. I typically have a plan of action before stepping a foot out of the door. If I need to be on time, I look up the train schedule and google map reverently. I don’t know east from west and will constantly refer to the map for walking directions if I don’t know where I am. It reassures me and at the same time causes anxiety if things don’t go as expected.

Otherwise, I check directions on my phone and head the door on my own time. Some may not bother with a map at all.

But, If you’re anything like me, a lot of those moments I mentioned earlier will be ones where you’re lost- even if you had a plan in place.

Or, depending on how you look at it, you’re not lost but on an adventure.

Being “lost” has led to some of the most amazing and unexpected experiences- discovering a new area , meeting new people, or trying new food among them. While traveling, this has been my general go to way of experiencing a new city.

But as of late, being lost or unsure of how to get from point A to B has led to frustration and stress. Namely because I feel like after seventh months, I should adeptly know my way around the city, never mind that it is completely different than the one I grew up with.

Thinking over my reaction, I realized that home feels more like home when you know it like the back of your hand. Impatiently, I want to not have to look at my phone to navigate the city (This is bringing back a lot of feelings as a 16 year old learning to drive).

I just want to know. Better yet, I want to not care that I don’t know and accept that these things take time. That maybe this is just an extended adventure and if I get frustrated I may miss out on it.

As I head home now (I am writing this post on the train), I am also trying to appreciate the small victories- finding my “home” coffee shop, moments where I find myself walking towards the right destination without a second thought, and the realization that I shouldn’t box myself as someone who is “bad” at directions.

Just like anything else in life, I will only grow and learn with time, practice, and getting lost.

some days

2013-02-26T00:08:00.002-05:00

some days like today, i feel pangs of homesickness. i want to be able to pop on this train and wake up in my other home. better yet, wake up inside that self that was. it’s not that i want to leave, it’s that i miss the familiar. it’s maybe that, i want both worlds when in reality i just live in one, the now, this minute. it’s easy to think what you had before was better. but that’s not always true.

either way, i don’t think i adequately express how much i love, appreciate, and miss my people back home. i think people have a false impression that i’ve moved on, that everything is always great, or I don’t need them as much, but it’s far from true.

I think that’s why I tend to be open with others about my struggles, because I want them to know I’m human and that it’s okay for them to be too. and so- sometimes it’s hard. sometimes it’s lonely. sometimes all i need is sisters on a couch. but there’s good too. there’s laughter, and newness that’s starting to become familiar, there’s the adventure and the courage it takes to try again each day.

with that, i take a few deep breaths and will just be

antidote to _________________.

2013-02-03T19:50:00.005-05:00

Fill in your own blank. Is it lethargy? Change? Wallowing?

get UP. get out. move. take a walk to anywhere.
go to the movies. anywhere that's not your couch.
stop sinking in. pull those covers off.
remote down.
breathe in the fresh air instead of rushing through it.

get off your computer. text later.
change your routine.
grab coffee and enjoy every sip.
finish a book. people watch. say hi to a stranger.
cook dinner. a new recipe. grocery shop (first).
pick your fruit thoughtfully.

bake. do your laundry. watch the clothes as they spin,
they clean and revive in cycles just as you do.

pay your bills. clean.
call a friend you've meaning to catch up with.
write. exercise. even if it's for 10 minutes.
go to the bookstore. sit in aisles as your browse.
listen to (new) music. dance.
stretch. just move. it's not distraction, it's not forgetting,
it's living and breathing and moving on.
and on that note- pay attention to your breathing. too often, we are holding our breath.

it will be the hardest thing in the moment to get up,
but say yes.
once you do, you'll be happy you did.
most of all--
don't wait on anyone to "rescue you,"
be the rescuer of yourself.

an open letter to anyone who tells me not to be sad:

2013-02-03T19:39:00.003-05:00

an open letter to anyone who tells me not to be sad,

first of all, thank you. most people who say this have a positive intention. they don’t like to see loved ones in pain and their words are meant to be comforting. i know the feeling all too well.

but what i really want you to know is that sometimes the best thing you can do to help me is give me space to be sad. more often than not, i am not only squashing my own inclination to feel my sadness, but also from sharing with you that i’m feeling this way.

therefore, when i finally give myself permission to do either, i am actually taking a great leap into vulnerability, into exposing a raw nerve that offers up a chance for more hurt. it takes a lot for me to get to this place, and i’m sure you can see why.

so when you tell me not to be sad, deep down i know you mean well. but in the moment what i’m really hearing is this: you’re not allowed to be sad. be strong. only show your happiness. i can’t handle your emotions, this isn’t the time. i’m uncomfortable.

and so i shut down. i wipe away my tears and as quickly as i showed my feelings, i hide them. they are tucked away with the stresses of the day, the pangs of grief, the mines of loneliness, and even lost beautiful memories. they pile up and pile up.

one day it will all crash down, because you can only “not be sad” for so long.

personally, i’d rather feel a little or a lot sad here and there rather than have it hit me all at once. and so, my friend, when i’m sad, i ask you to just sit with me. sometimes your company and silent empathy means more to me than the “perfect words” or advice. i promise that if i just sit in these feelings instead of running from them, i will feel better much more quickly.

yours,

2013-01-21T15:39:00.002-05:00

we each possess a guiding self. like a star pointing us in the right direction, it gently steers us towards doing what we love. i have been neglecting mine as of late. it's easy to get burrowed under a million things, in "busyness," and trying to get by through each day.

today a few things came my way that reminded me of a part of me that i was starting to lose- being part of a bigger community i now live in a place that is hugely diverse and there is so much to do. yet, working full time takes enough energy that i have not been reaching out or exploring as much as i should and need to.

i randomly found an opportunity and just reading about it gave me a surge of energy. it reminded me of something i was passionate about and it's a feeling not to ignore.

today is a reminder that walking outside of my comfort zone is the first step towards positive movement. i have all these ideas of how i should engage in a healthier lifestyle as a new person in a huge city, but being proactive is not as easy it as sounds. step one: gather ideas. step two: pick one realistic option. step three: show up!

brief wondrous life

2012-12-28T16:55:00.001-05:00

i had two hours of time to just think on the flight back home from kentucky. thoughts flitted between light and shadow, between peace and tension. i was literally in the space in between and felt caught between two worlds. i can't possibly have both at once, not if i tried. nothing will replace your childhood home, your family, and the familiar roads. and yet, it is only by leaving it all behind that you can know this for certain.

i felt comfort in my family, in that i could slip right back into the jokes and the bickering. it was like i never left. but, i never doubted that it was the right time for me to have moved. sameness is safety, but it is not growth. at least for me. i knew that i would just fall back into old patterns and into the same supporting role i had started to lock myself into.

words and coffee with siblings

now, my new home is a little more settled in and it was mine to come back to as never before (i've never left on a visit and had a home away from home to return to). just as quickly as nyc seemed to vanish in my mind when i was in kentucky, the city lights sprawl out before me and beckon the part of me that never left. it's startling, almost. how suddenly newness wears off-- the routine settles me in and my footsteps seem to know the way. but still, i get lost and trip up. then i remember, it's only been five months, and the shine of the "new" brightens.

more than anything, i know home is where your people are. and you can have many homes. you could be anywhere in the world, but still be lonely without those people to count on (whether present physically or emotionally). i always remember less of what i did or where i was and more about the relationships and memories that were formed. i am lucky to have a good start to a support network here in nyc on top of what already exists elsewhere.

and so to the new year, i say that i am ready for whatever it may bring. however daunting life can sometimes be, i both have the strength within and people beside me to help me through.

grief, a year later

2012-11-28T22:26:00.002-05:00

Over a year ago, I experienced the greatest loss of my life when my cousin and dear friend suddenly passed away. Since then, I have had a new opinion and perspective on grief. I distinctly recall sitting in psychology class years ago in college and being taught that one of the most important ways to support someone grieving is to allow them to share their story over and over, as much as they need to. I also learned there’s no timeline on grief and that every story looks different. As of late, I’ve been experiencing several bouts of re-experiencing the raw moments, unexpected sorrow, and the strong realization that the process will never have a true “end.” Therefore, I decided to share some writing of mine that helped me through her “one-year” a few months ago for two reasons- to once again, share my story. And so that those who can relate can connect, and those that can’t relate, can try to understand.

One year later.
One year ago I learned that your life can come to a screeching halt. You could be laying on your friend’s couch, basking in the sunlight streaming from the window and onto your arms. You could be ignoring phone calls, because it never occurred to you that it could be something that you could just deal with later.Once, twice, the phone rings, but you’re too lazy to reach over and grab the phone. A few seconds later, your best friend’s phone rings, and it’s your sister calling. You sit up, answer the phone, and that perfect moment vanishes. Sobs break out through the phone and you realize it’s not just you crying. You shout, “no, no!” You stand up, shaking, keep moving, and are lucky enough to have a friend drive you to the hospital.

You fall into your sister’s arm, your cousin’s arms, your cousin’s mom, her had. You hold them, and they hold you. You wait, and you wait, and you wait. You stare at the walls in disbelief, that the person in the car accident was someone you hold dear. You stare at the ground in shock, that this is a waiting room, in a hospital, and it is because you do not know if your friend will wake up from her coma.

You remember the last time few times you saw her, how lucky it was that you saw her three times this past week. You visualize her face and how you randomly hugged her in the kitchen and told her you loved her, and how she gave you that special back rub she always gives. You think about her walking to her car the night before and looking over her shoulder to say goodbye, casually, because of course, we would see each other again. You go home, you sleep, and you wake up thinking that everything will be the same.

Her parents walk in.

She’s gone.

You call your mom, your brother, her friends and have to tell them the news. Each phone call is a fresh stabbing pain and you don’t know how you will continue. Strangers hold you. You sit on the hallway floor, silently crying.

From that day, you never count on making it to the next day. From that day, you don’t know if you will ever want to get out of your bed in that morning. From that day, you alternate between feeling numb and having literal heartache. The darkness that visits is one that is unparalleled to any darkness you have had before. Every instance is a moment of grief. Everything is a reminder that it’s all different now, because she’s gone. You are a new person, one that your friends may no longer recognize. The brightness in your face is dim, and laughing feels strange, because you thought you were not supposed to laugh. Talking to people takes too much energy, and it feels like so few people understand. Nothing feels real. Nothing makes sense. You go through the motions. And even though you think this feeling will never go away, somehow you get through each day.

One year later, tears stream down my face as I write this. I have thought about my cousin every single day. I have wanted to call her, text her, and facebook her forgetting that she’s not just in another city, but gone. Because sometimes the only way of coping was tricking myself into thinking it was not real. You know death is real, and that it could happen to you or anyone else at any time. But to know and to experience it are two different things.

Since that day, I have cried and I have laughed. I have traveled and I have changed. I have had days where I was alive, but not lived. And other days where the loss inexplicably charged me with a greater love of life, because I would do it for her. I would smile in her memory, and imagine telling her about my adventures. At times, it felt unbearable that she was not physically present. Randomly triggered by being on the road, a song, or a thought, it felt like I could easily fall to pieces and go back to the beginning. Gasping for breath, I remember the fragility of life and wish I didn’t have to learn it the hard way. I wished the sun wasn’t more beautiful because it didn’t remind me of her. I wished that I didn’t analyze every goodbye in worry that it would be my last time with someone.

But I can’t change it. I can only keep going, because the hard truth is that life does not stop, even if you want to. And as guilty as it’s made me feel sometimes, I’ve had good days. Slowly, but surely, I woke up. I learned small ways to heal. Albeit with growing pains, I stretched. Old fragments of myself returned, awkward and shy at first. They learned to get along with new pieces of self. My friends welcomed me back with open arms, patient and forgiving. And I found within myself a new home, where my cousin will always live.

Thoughts From Brooklyn

2012-11-04T22:12:00.005-05:00

Not even three months into living in New York, I faced an impending storm so scary they called it “Frankenstorm.” Luckily, I live in an area that was only minimally affected. However, I work in lower Manhattan and as a result of power outages and the transportation system not running, I have not been able to get to work for a few days. Instead, I braved the storm alone in my apartment, settled in comfortably on my couch, worked from home, and felt really grateful that I was able to keep myself company. Especially when I didn’t have a choice. However, with ample silence (whenever Netflix wasn’t playing) and a break in my routine, I noticed a few things:

1. I was overwhelmed and grateful that I heard from so many people from home that were concerned from my safety. It was a nice chance to catch up and talk to people during the day on a less hectic schedule. Whether or not I faced imminent danger ( I knew my area was going to be fine), the weather was unpredictable and I just felt better being in touch with loved ones.

2. It feels like I have lived here a lot longer than I actually have been. I was caught off guard by the genuine care and concern I felt over “my” city. Usually it’s something I would only read about on the news, but instead I am in the midst (or outskirts) of it. It was strange and saddening to not hear the whistling sounds of the train from my bedroom window and to see a darkened skyline because of the power outages. I realized that this place was already starting to become my new home. It was bittersweet, but in a sense, a defining moment for me.

3. It’s important to know your neighbors. I had a few moments of anxiety when I realized I was without a flashlight and was alone in my apartment should something happen. I shot out an email to my neighbors (I suppose the old-fashioned way is to knock on their doors) giving them a heads up and many were kind enough to offer supplies and a place to hang out if I needed. I immediately felt more comfortable knowing that I had caring people around me. On that note, I was able to walk around my neighborhood and explore the area– I found a lot of places I had missed before and and felt even more proud of and connected to Bushwick.

4. I had sporadic and intense feelings of homesickness. More than anything I wished my sisters and friends were piled in my living room and keeping company in the special and joyous way that comes out of having an unexpected day “off.”

5. I was ever more conscious of the stream of thoughts that ran through my mind. I am an extroverted person and tend to re-charge my energy through interaction, but also enjoy the quiet to refocus myself and de-stress. At the risk of sounding strange– I found that my thoughts felt more like a running narration or dialogue. I realized part of why I didn’t feel terribly alone (apart from online communication), was that when I said I kept myself company, I meant it. It feels much like writing or reading, when you become absorbed in a task and time stands still.

I thought hard about the post on Your Present Voice and about the different selves we have within. I couldn’t agree more with Laura that they don’t necessarily have to be in competition, but that they may each look a bit differently in various environments. It’s important to pay attention to the one that becomes “dominant” when you’re alone. It can teach you a lot!

new.

2012-09-27T22:12:00.001-04:00

I have changed the look of the blog and now feel an urge to post. I contemplated starting a new blog (that would make it my fourth) to journey my adventure as a Program Coordinator working with International students, but decided that I already have one too many.

Instead, I may write here at random before the days all blur together. I feel overjoyed and overwhelmed at times that all of a sudden I have about 75 mentees and 75 mentors that will need relationship facilitating. The classroom is a relatively new place for me to be as it is, as is NYC and having a full-time job. But I strongly feel like it was the right decision to be here.

Look out for updates, stories, and weekly CollectiveInquiry posts!

Fatimah

It could be worse

2012-09-18T17:19:00.003-04:00

“It could be worse” is a phrase often used after someone describes a difficult situation or even just a bad moment. While many can attest to this statement and I have used it myself often, I am also finding it important to recognize that struggling and suffering is relative. Working in the social services field, I have come across a variety of disheartening situations and events. I am left reeling at the disparity and gap in experiences between people. Most times, I walk away truly believing that things “could be worse.”

While it can be a healthy outlook and provide perspective, it can become negative when: You invalidate someone else’s experience by comparing it someone else’s, and invalidate your own experience and struggle by comparing it to someone else’s.

Things could always be better or worse in the grand scheme of things. But, what matters and how you feel about it is relative to your own experience. The worst thing that could have happened to you (e.g. losing a friend, a job) could have happened multiple times to someone else, but that doesn’t mean you hurt any less.

As a therapist, I encounter many stories of pain, joy, and struggles. You cannot imagine the palpable relief when I respond with statements such as “Many people going through what you’re going through have felt the same way.” Validation and normalizing is much more beneficial than telling someone that what they are feeling is trivial and they should not feel that way.

As I reflect on this topic, the main lesson I try to instill is to stop belittling my hardships as inconsequential or unimportant. They are real to me and that is what matters. There will always be harder and worse things occurring and that I fully recognize. However, I am still allowed to have moments where I feel upset or sad without seeming ungrateful for my blessings.

Knowing this, I also find it important to never look at someone’s background and assume that they have never suffered or struggled (or vice versa). Last, if I am just patient and let someone vent or share something vulnerable, I have to trust they will come to the bigger picture on their own terms.

What are your thoughts on this saying? How do you feel when it (“things could be worse”) is said to you?

I Give Thanks

2012-06-29T14:37:00.001-04:00

Similar to writing in your diary only when you're sad or there's something "big" to write about, I feel like I have been posting more heavy or "therapeutic" stuff as of late. In efforts to remedy that and give credit to the other parts of life where it's due, I want to focus a post on things that keep me a float and put a smile on my face. Because truthfully, if it weren't for these things filling in the in between tough moments and days, I wouldn't be where I was today.

I profusely give thanks to books. They are a quiet companion that can change based on what I need and sometimes offer something I didn't even know I needed. With a book (or two, or three) always tucked away in my room, car, or purse, I am never alone. Long lines, solo coffee dates, and waiting rooms don't phase me because I can sneak in time to read. Books have been my long-time escape since childhood and there's nothing like having time fly by because you are deeply absorbed in the story. Even better is the glory of walking into a bookstore and walking slowly, neck craned, to discover your next great read. You'll often find me plopped down on the floor so I can take my time browsing the lower shelves and flipping through books ( I do judge by the cover).

I give thanks to the afternoons I "wasted," making a delicious lunch, surfing the internet, writing posts, reading, drinking coffee, chatting with friends, and enjoying the sunshine. Every now and then I ditch being responsible (perks of unemployment) and let myself have a guilt free morning or afternoon not being "work" productive. And just go with whatever it is I feel like doing. It's a true luxury that I know won't last!

I give thanks to laughter. I give thanks to having a life where every day, no matter what, I have laughed. Even when I am alone and have not interacted with people, I can picture something or recall a joke (or a scene from television) and laugh, to myself. The people in my life that know how to make me laugh even when I am in the edge of tears are truly special to me. The ones that make start giggling wildly or give me that deep belly life are ones that I never want to lose. Laughing makes me feel alive and well, pure and simple.

I give thanks to people. All of you. Friends, siblings, family, strangers, bloggers, travelers, children, neighbors, and community. Every one of you has shaped me. When it comes down to it (and as independent as I try to be) I am not who I am because of my own doing. You are my reflection, my support, my sounding board, and my people.

I give thanks to coffee, mint tea, text messaging, skype, iTunes, the soundtrack to my life, movies, tv marathons, water, hot showers, floral prints, warm bear hugs, the smile when someone is happy to see you, the smile when you're happy to see someone, grey, cookie scented candles, fresh baked cookies, blogging, unconditional love, trees, the perfect ink pen, sisters, green grass, smells that transport you to far away memories, down comforters, bookshelves, cooking, the love that infuses all of these things and what makes all this possible.

We Already Know The Answer

2012-06-18T15:10:00.000-04:00

Recently I wrote a post about the often used question in therapy– “How do you feel about that?” and the experience of wanting to empower the client by validating their feelings.

A reader of Collective Inquiry, j;, graciously posted a response and gave an insightful perspective on what it means to be asked as a theoretically client, “How do you feel about that?” :

I would like to comment on one aspect that is important to the client, that we, the client, already suspect: we already know the answer. Our brain functioning is far more complex and nuanced than we consciously know. And appropriately, it is understanding of ourselves, our desires, and our relations with the external world. And so, even though we may not admit it to ourselves or, even more gravely, may not even realize it at all, we already intimate the best course of action or best attitude to adopt to deal with a certain emotion/challenge or best way to adapt to our current environment. In short, truly, we already secretly, subconsciously (at least) know what our therapist will help us realize.

Here, j; touches on two points that align closely with my therapeutic outlook:People are doing the best they can with what they have, and clients are already equipped with strengths and knowledge of themselves that are sometimes hidden. With these things in mind, I work under the assumption that the manner in which people cope with emotions and challenges is a result of years upon years of adapting and adjusting to the world around them (and thus a solution that may work for me may not work for them).

The issue that presents itself is that the coping mechanisms used can start to become more of a hindrance then a protection. I came to this conclusion from a startling personal revelation. For most of my life, I became accustomed to putting on a smile and an act of being “okay” when I was not. This served two purposes– I not only wanted to convince others that I was okay to not come off as weak or unhappy, but I also found it necessary to persuade myself that I was fine in order to have stability during difficult times. It was functional for many years until I realized (with the help of my peers and supervisor) that I continued to hide my emotions even when I safe to reveal them. This leads to the second part of the response:

This is why it can be so important to have a therapist. Often times we also subconsciously hide these answers from ourselves, on behalf of whatever personal desire or perceived cultural norm. Sometimes we need to come to understand–whether by ourselves or with the help of others–that certain emotions and desires are completely okay and are even common. We need a therapist, often enough, not just to understand that these desires or feelings are okay, but to discover them in the first place. We often hide our subconscious resolutions so well that we need someone to repeatedly, tirelessly, ask “how do you feel about that” so that we will discover we have already secretly figured out our answers in the first place. They help us learn how to be honest with ourselves.

This expands the idea that the client already has the answer, but also reflects the very real possibility that that answer can be carefully hidden under layers of coping mechanisms and fears. All it takes is one person, experience, or sentence in a book to unravel the image you fought so hard to create and believe in– and reveal the answer you already had within. This experience can be great if you are ready for it and intimidating if you are not.

For me, it was when my mentor revealed his sincere hope that my inner brightness would one day be as strong as my outer brightness. I felt exposed, understood, moved, and liberated all at the same time. Without offering any more explanation to that statement, he allowed me to interpret it in the way that was most meaningful to me. Until that moment, I did not fully recognize the impact and weight of hiding behind a smile. My mentor helped me be honest with myself. For this, I am eternally grateful.

So thank you, reader, for reminding me and others not just the importance of discovering the answer we already know, but that it is also okay to need a little help along the way.

You're Both Right, Right?

2012-05-30T14:38:00.004-04:00

New post on CollectiveInquiry:

Pictures. Paintings. Music. What do these words have in common?

Each object or concept is one where every one walks away with a unique meaning. Most people would agree to this statement and respect another person’s right to interpretation.

Now, let’s shift this concept over to relational therapy (couples and families).

In my work with couples, I may ask each person to retell a problematic event or situation that occurred in the past week.

As each person takes their turn, I take careful note of how their partner is reacting. From non-verbals (rolling of eyes, crossing their eyes, stiffening the body, fidgety legs, smiling, nodding) to verbals (interrupting, name-calling), how the partner takes in the other’s side of the story provides very helpful information about how open they are to their partner’s perspective.

Once both are finished sharing, without fail one or the other looks to me to confirm that they are the “right” one, and their partner is the”wrong” one.....

Click to continue reading: You're Both Right, Right?

The Heart and Soul of Relationships: Knowing When to Relinquish a Relationship.

2012-04-24T11:47:00.001-04:00

Sharing a post today by Mayi Dixon, LAPC:

The Heart and Soul of Relationships: Knowing When to Relinquish a Relationship.: How do you know when it is time to release yourself from a relationship? When I say relationship I mean all relationships, romantic, friendship, business, and family relationships.

When do you call it quits? When is relinquishing a relationship for the best, and when is it considered being a quitter because its too hard? It may be a good idea to end a relationship, if you have tried to make things better by communicating with the other person, you tried being flexible and compromising, you have humbled yourself and did not allow your pride to rule your decision making. Perhaps you are not producing or receiving anything good from the relationship, maybe the relationship is one sided, you give and the other person takes. Eventually you will grow tired of giving that you become depleted. How many times must you apologize, choose to quiet your voice, or overlook hurtful words or actions.

Why would one choose to stay in such a relationship state? Perhaps it is something that you learned early on in life, maybe this is the sort of relationship that you had with your parents or siblings, and you think that this is how relationships are supposed to be. Maybe, you don't think you deserve better. You think love or relationships consist of you pursuing and the other party or individual running and mistreating you. Somewhere on your relationship DNA you were fooled into thinking that this sort of one sided relationship is good, but deep down you know it is not right. At what point do you value yourself enough to relinquish the past and walk toward something new and rewarding?

Perhaps, it is time to stop making excuses, and start making healthy choices that will allow you to prosper and grow as an individual. Perhaps, it is time to receive some of the love that you constantly share with others. Maybe, just maybe, every relationship is not worth saving. So, how do you know when it is time to move on to new endeavors and relationships? Here are some helpful hints:

If you are in a one sided relationship, constantly giving but never receiving.
If your relationship is not producing any income, mutual learning, or emotional connection.
If you are constantly second guessing yourself, trying to figure out how to make the other person happy, but in reality there is no making them happy, because they could care less about you.
If you are being physically, emotionally, or verbally abused or financially depleted/manipulated.
If you are not being appreciated.
If you are dispensable to the other person, they really don't care if you live or die, show up or cancel, call or don't call.
If you have given a good faith effort, and still there has been no change.
If you are emotionally, financially, or intellectually depleted (there is simply nothing left).
If you are not learning, prospering, or changing for the better.
If the current relationship is hindering you from new relationships and opportunities.

Thanks for letting me share Mayi!

A Favor.

2012-04-23T13:00:00.001-04:00

Dear readers and friends,

I have a favor to ask. This may be an odd means to advertise-- but I am lucky to have wonderful readers from different backgrounds that I can come to, so I thought it couldn't hurt.

I am currently looking for a job as an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist. I am not limited to working as a therapist, but am hoping to find a career in the mental health field-- which could include working with youth, education, mentoring, and tutoring. I have strong coordination and clinical experience working with individuals, couples, groups, adolescents, and the underserved population.

If you could keep me in mind or have suggestions, I would be indebted. Thank you :) Feel free to comment or email me.

“But lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.”- tanya davis

2012-04-19T14:59:00.003-04:00

This post was originally shared here. Also, please "Like" and spread the word of the new blog I'm a part of!
Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/CollectiveInquiry

This week, I want to share a five minute video by poet Tanya Davis, called“How to Be Alone.” Her message is beautiful, relevant (to both genders), and the graphics of the video make it enjoyable and easy to watch. I have some poem excerpts and thoughts below. Please watch and share.

{A video by filmmaker, Andrea Dorfman, and poet/singer/songwriter, Tanya Davis}

(poem excerpts)

“If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.”

“Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. But lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.”

“Take silence and respect it. ”

—

I visit this video occasionally and each time take away a new meaning and appreciation for her words. As a person raised in a large family, I have had to learn the art of being alone in solitude, even when I was not alone. Constantly surrounded by people, talking, and togetherness, the venture to do things and be on my own was a challenge. The occasional quiet break and time to myself was embraced, but I noticed that even in that time, it was rare that I still was not connected to people through means of technology.

How rare it is that we are truly alone, with ourselves, and only ourselves–to give time to think, to read, to focus on just one task at a time and enjoy our own company. It is even rarer to go out on solo ventures, satisfied with our own company and open to the possibilities and people that are hidden to those in pairs or groups.

My challenge to myself and you is to either carve out some time this week to be intentionally alone, or, if you suddenly find yourself alone, to embrace it and hold off on the instinct to pick up a phone and immediately find company. Notice yourself in silence. Find out if you know how to be alone. Find out what it means to to you to be lonely, even if it’s tough. Be content with your company, as I am sure it is worthwhile.

I will leave you with a few reflective questions that cropped up in a discussion with my colleague:

- What is the difference between being alone and loneliness?

- Is it more about the fear of being alone, or the pain of loneliness?

Thanks for reading. If you have thoughts on the video or post, please leave them below or send an email to fatimah@collectiveinquiry.com. For full poem, clickhere .

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

2012-04-14T13:15:00.000-04:00

You don't usually imagine yourself at your finest in these uncomfortable moments. It may feel like a time where you try your very hardest to avoid this exact feeling, because it feels like you are at a loss. Because in essence, it is a loss, a loss of certainty and knowing. Life can start to feel like you are going through the motions-- without true meaning (which is yours to define) what is it the purpose? But in fact, this darker, tumultuous part of life IS living, is meaningful, and is essential to growing.

There is something to be learned from everything. Even from the mundane moments, hours, or days. Even when you're not productive, or outside doing, or reading. Sometimes, I judge my day by the amount I've "done." Usually, it feels like I haven't done enough. But, I do believe in the idea of being "life productive"-- I didn't check everything off my to-do list, but instead of feeling guilty, feel accomplished in the sense of giving attention to what I needed at the moment.

To bring it back to the above topic, sometimes it's easy to judge these uncertain parts of life as a waste of time, because you should be out enjoying life instead (not that the two are mutually exclusive). But in my opinion, these moments are as productive to living just as anything else is. Listen to what it is telling you-- that something needs to change, that you're unsettled. Embrace it-- and then search for "different ways or truer answers." And live as you live.

olive trees don't take sides

2012-04-12T18:27:00.002-04:00

Gnarly branches of olive trees extend their crooked hands out

to the world,

bowing

their leaves to the ground as if

begging

for another year to grow and to live and to bear their fruit

so when pressed,

are poured into empty Pepsi bottles and sold onto the streets,

to feed families, to feed a country hungry for freedom.

Collective Inquiry

2012-04-09T17:59:00.002-04:00

As if two blogs weren't enough, I've decided to join a group of therapists and become part of a third! I am proud and excited to share the newly launched website: CollectiveInquiry

In addition to this post on courage, I will be posting every Tuesday!

What's it about? --

Therapists have it all together. That’s why they’re therapists, right?

No.

One of the greatest things about living is being human. The ability to enjoy, to succeed, to fail. Everyone has times of feeling on top of things–like you are unconquerable. The other side of that coin is everyone has times of challenges and weakness.

No one is immune from these experiences.

We are five marriage and family therapists with different levels of experience. We come from a wide range of backgrounds and experiences that give us different perspectives on life. One thing that we are all passionate about is being human. We have had our heartbreaks; we have had our successes. This is what we want to share–who we are. We all believe that as therapists, who we are as a human is a vital part of what we do. We believe that struggling is necessary, but always better when shared with someone you trust, just as sharing makes happiness feel better.

Our education and training will at times come out in our posts. After all, they are a part of who we are. But mostly, we hope our posts will give a documentary, or a behind the scenes look at our lives. We hope that this will remove the “clinical distance” and make therapists more human. We believe that this is when we are most effective as therapists and at living.

Please pass the word around and share :)

On Truth

2012-03-28T14:54:00.003-04:00

Aristotle: “The investigation of the truth is in one way hard, in another easy. An indication of this is found in the fact that no one is able to attain the truth adequately, while, on the other hand, no one fails entirely, but everyone says something true about the nature of things, and while individually they contribute little or nothing to the truth, by the union of all a considerable amount is amassed.”

on living.

2012-03-27T21:20:00.000-04:00

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing." --Agatha Christie

clauram: efforts of living through body, heart, & mind

2012-03-27T11:26:00.001-04:00

One of my very best friends has bravely started a new blog describing her adventure and efforts of living through mind, body, and heart. Laura is a therapist, avid reader, and yoga lover, a combination that makes for wonderful insight and writing.

Excerpt: "Over the past six months, I have been looking for something. The problem is that I didn't know what that something was. My focus? My passion? My sanity? I had realized part of me had changed, but I couldn't figure out what is was..."

Sound familiar? Read more of her blog here:

Clauram: My Effort of Living Life Through Body, Heart, & Mind

"and forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and winds long to play with your hair." kahlil gibran

2012-03-25T22:00:00.003-04:00

in honor of spring.