Forgive me while I crash...

Days 3 & 4 Fat Smash

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 00:39:00 +0000

Ok as promised here is what I have eaten for the last 2 days with pictures! =D

4/14/10

Breakfast 1/2 grits
Snack yougurt
Lunch steamed/roasted veggies for lunch
Snack banana & 4 oz yougurt
Dinner steamed/roasted veggies & blackeye peas
Snack baked apples

Here are the baked apples:

And these are my roasted veggies brushed with dijon mustard and red pepper flakes

4/15/10

Breakfast baked apples

Lunch roasted veggies, blackeye peas

Snack banana

Dinner chili made with kidney beans crushed tomatoes and spices..yummy

Here is a picture of my chili, I have enough of this left over for lunch tomorrow!

I have also done cardio for 30 minutes today. I use my Wii Fit Plus, Wii Fit and Wii Active everyday, yes ALL 3! And tonight I also did 20 minutes of elliptical just for shits and giggles...

I feel great though...I really do.

Until next time,

Long time no see...

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 14:30:00 +0000

LOL, I know, I know..I have not blogged in forever. But I have! Just not here and that's bad so I thought I would document what I am doing now since it could help others on the way up.

I gained some weight the past 2 yrs. first my mom passed away 3 yrs ago, then I quit smoking. I became really depressed and seriously gained a lot of weight, most of it within the span of about 6 months. Talk about a big shocker. So I have been on a mission the past yr or so to lose the weight. Let me say, I LOVE my Wii for exercise, it truly rocks! I did Wii Active (totally kick butt program) everyday for over a month and tried to eat better, salads etc but still kind of cheated because I was starving everyday so much. I would grab a handful of gummies or eat a sandwich at 11pm at night before bed. So after 30 days of Wii Active I lost NO WEIGHT! I got frustrated and stopped working out. Why should I? It didn't work!

Then I realized what didn't work is what I was doing food wise. I know how to eat good foods, I am not a meat eater at all and I rarely eat fried foods but I am a cheese and bread junkie. I also love peanutbutter choc. chip milk shakes! LOL What I really wished I had was someone to say "Here is a list of foods you can absolutely eat everyday and here is a list of foods you cannot touch!" I know it sounds weird but I needed it spelled out for me. It's just easier that way for me.

So I found Dr. Ians Fat Smash program. I started reading about it and realized that I could totally do this! It's NOT a diet! Not at all. It's a kick start to better eating and better choices! It's 4 different phases and the initial most restricting part is only 9 days long! Who can't do 9 days? If I can quit smoking I can do this for 9 days! LOL

The single most important aspect of the diet is the idea that you can eat as many fruits and veggies as you like. This is critically important because traditional diet approaches focus on limiting and restricting the foods you eat. This is a recipe for failure. The Fat Smash Diet is especially good at kicking off a diet. It is hard to maintain long term, but the first phase will begin to condition your "healthy eating muscles.

The Fat Smash Diet is a 90-day program divided into four phases. Smith is adamant about not counting calories in this plan. The only calories you'll see are associated with the more than 50 recipes.

Phase 1 of the plan is a nine-day "detox" period designed to cleanse the impurities from your system and rid you of all your bad habits, so you can begin to prepare your "temple." Calories are significantly reduced and water is used to flush the body. You are told to eat four to five meals, whether you're hungry or not. Skipping meals is not allowed at any phase.

In the first phase of the Fat Smash Diet, food choices should be eaten raw, grilled or steamed. Fats are limited to a maximum of 3 tablespoons, with 1 to 2 teaspoons olive oil per day. Allowed foods include unlimited fruits and vegetables (except white potatoes or avocado), chickpeas, lentils, tofu, and beans. It also permits limited amounts of brown rice; low-fat, skim, or soy milk; oatmeal; low-fat yogurt; egg whites; and herbal tea. This is the total menu for nine days.

Phase 2: Foundation is a three-week period introducing additional foods, maintaining the schedule of four to five small meals throughout the day, and enjoying them simply prepared as defined in phase one. Foods allowed in limited quantities in this phase include avocado, lean meats, seafood, whole egg, cheese, a variety of whole-grain cereals, granulated sugar, butter, fat-free mayo, coffee (10 ounces a day), fruit juice, diet soda, lemonade, and club soda.

Phase 3: Construction is a four-week period embodying the principles of the first two phases, with the ability to add more foods into the plan. Portions are a little larger but still limited. Pasta and bread are introduced for the first time, along with one dessert per day, chosen from a short list of acceptable sweets.

Phase 4: The Temple is the final stage and one that the author promises will last a lifetime. In the phase wine, beer, pizza, and potatoes are now included, accompanying the guiding principles of exercise, portion control, not skipping meals, and eating four to five times daily.

How It Works
The Fat Smash Diet is designed to change your relationship with food and get you hooked on regular physical activity for the rest of your life. At the end of the 90-day period, you should be making better food choices, eating fewer calories, exercising regularly, and losing weight.

During the detox phase, cravings are suppose to be smashed, and the nourishing power of fruits and vegetables reintroduced to your diet.

Because there is no calorie counting in the Fat Smash Diet, Smith shows you how to seek a balance in your food choices and change your relationship with food so you won't overeat. "Diets require a change in behaviors and you must learn how to deal with cravings," he says. "Have a small cookie but if you want more, try frozen grapes, because fruit is healthier and will help you satisfy your craving and control calories."

Throughout the four phases, Smith intersperses diet tips to teach dieters principles of eating healthy. Each phase comes with a laundry list of allowed and forbidden foods. Indulgences such as beer, wine, sweets, and coffee are kept to a minimum.

So I started phase one this past Monday 4/12/10 and I cannot get over how much you have to eat! I was literally stuffed all day and I thought there can be NO WAY I am gonna lose weight with all this food! LOL So I am gonna post what I have eaten since Monday on this blog and then everyday I'll blog what I ate that day. I'll let you know at the end of this first phase if I have lost anything. I am also doing cardio everyday and walking as much as possible too.

4/12

Breakfast 1/2 coffee and a bowl of grits
Snack banana
Lunch 1/2 cup brown rice with 1 tbsp of hot salsa mixed in
Dinner 1 cup beans
Snack banana, yogurt and strawberry smoothie

Calories for day 1356

4/13
Breakfast 1/2 cup coffee & yogurt
Snack banana
Lunch 1 cup beans
Dinner 1 cup beans 1/2 cup rice

Snack roasted carrots, onions and snow peas

Calories for the day 984

Until next time,

I'm sorry I'm such a horrible blogger!!!

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 02:25:00 +0000

I know I should update more and I do mean too. I write mostly in my notepad on my laptop and sometimes I publish it and sometimes I do not. I've gotten pretty aggravated at watching grown ppl say and do things on the news that my 8 yr old daughter thinks is shameful!

I think what's been really bothering me lately though is the way people are starting to behave. People are making signs of the President as Hitler, to me that is a slap in the face to everyone and their families who ever experienced what Hitler did to them. Also it makes me question their intelligence because they obviously have no idea what Hitler was about because he certainly could have cared less for most people. There are ex-military people yelling that they are ashamed of our country. Well I will say that I am definitely glad they are no longer serving because I do not want some mentally unstable, uneducated soldier fighting for my rights.

The funny thing is, these are the SAME people who yell about having constitutional rights but they only want them when it applies to them. They are the same people who protested against the Dixie Chicks for saying the same thing they are saying about our current president about our last president. I'm sorry to surprise you but you're a hypocrite and you should learn how to spell before you make a sign and hold it up for the world to see. Oh and Fox News might want to be there to rally the troops before air time the next time you exaggerate your million moron march!

Until next time,

An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language. ~Martin Buber

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 02:26:00 +0000

This has been a bad week. I have been so enraged it's almost damaging. I wanted to come right to my blog in the midst of all my madness and spew out all of the hate, anger and rage I was feeling but then I thought about how my mom always told me that the most sure fire way to make a fool of yourself is to speak when you are angry. So I waited, and I waited, and here I am still angry but not ready to go to jail at the moment. That took me a while to calm down and I still spew hateful comments in public because some people are just ignorant!

I know you're wondering what could make me so angry? Politics? The giant health care debate? Yes, I get angry at that stuff too but I also remember something my grandma once said "Never let anyone know what you think about anything, unless you don't mind being burned you at the stake for it later!" So I won't be speaking on that, politics is one thing I do not really discuss with ppl because I'm not into burning for it later!

I'm angry about Michael Vick getting a million dollar contract! Honestly, every single time I hear someone say "But he did his time!" "He paid his debt!" "He only bankrolled it!" I want to really hurt them! They cannot honestly be THAT ignorant! I mean really, have they not followed the story? Have they not seen the news, read the paper, logged on the internet?

Don't get me wrong, I am not a PETA groupie, I'm the owner of 3 powerful dogs, 2 of which have serious issues with each other but I go out of my way every single day that I wake up so that my household can live in peace! And you know what? it's absolutely worth it to me! To me to hear ppl say that Micheal paid his debt pisses me off! Who did he pay his debt to? Because to me spending the time he did in jail he could have just as easily been healing from an injury. He did NOT do "his time" because in my opinion his time would not be what he thinks it should. He did not only bankroll the operation! A quote from BadRap:

For those who are still not aware, Michael Vick is the guy who not only fought dogs, but threw family pets into the pit for fun, and laughed while they were suffering "major injury." He's the guy who killed dogs in a variety of ways - one last time: hanging, drowning, shooting, repeatedly slamming their head and spine into the ground until dead, and electrocuting with jumper cables attached to their ears before being thrown into his pool. So no, not even a regular kind of dog-fighter, but an over-the-top, especially sadistic kind of man.

He's a crazy psychopath and for ppl to say he did his time or he paid his debt? That is crazy! ANYONE who can do what that man ADMITTED he did is not "ok" and a yr or 2 in jail does not rehabilitate someone who can do that kind of thing! It's a sign of a serious mental illness, he has no remorse! I watched his 60 minute interview, he was NOT remorseful, he was sorry for losing his millions of dollars and for what he "let happen to the animals". Give me a break Mike you know nothing about remorse!

And using a cop out that it's how you were raised, no one taught you to love your animals? What ever! I am sure no one had a rosey childhood but being a child of a person who used to do what you did to dogs and then get mad and beat his wife and children too, I also was never told "love your animals" but I grew up Mike, I knew deep down that was sadistic and wrong and I now fight for those that have no voice! I wish sometimes that I could see my father today just so I could stand up and say to him just how weak he really was for doing what he did....but I can't..he died at 43 from a massive heart attack or as I tend to ponder..maybe karma finally kicked his ass?..

Until next time,

When I was twelve!

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 04:22:00 +0000

I just watched Stand By Me and like most always when I watch a movie like that it inspired me to blog this. At the end of the movie the main character says "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?" And I thought to myself how odd that sounded. Of course the movie was about boys and boys are different than a group of girls but when I was twelve I was not doing what most girls do. I wasn't fixing my hair and playing dress up or thinking about boys, you would find me at "Dead mans hill" riding my dirt bike or crawling through flood walls to see what we could find. I would wake up as soon as the sun did and stay gone all.day.long in the summer. It was simple then, before boys, puberty and it was before I became jaded, I miss those days.

I have none of those friends left, the ones when I was twelve, the people I grew up with, none of them. My childhood sucked for the most part except for those days when we were off playing, just.being.kids.

God why does life get so hard?

I like to watch my daughter playing when she doesn't know I'm watching. She is so care free right now, I hope it lasts for a while for her. I wish for her the best, longest summers ever!

When I was watching the Michael Jackson memorial on tv today I was getting teary, not just because it was a memorial but because in a way I was again saying goodbye to a piece of my childhood. I remember wanting penny loafers so bad and I remember all the boys wearing parachute pants in school, those were the days before mandatory school uniforms, school shootings and it was a time when your teacher could still paddle you if you needed it. God I miss elementary school.

By the time middle school started I was scared because it was middle school and I only made it about 2 months into the school yr when my house caught fire and my dad died the next day from a massive heart attack, everything after that yr seemed to get worse. I gave up on school, friends and didn't even care much for myself. But now that I look back I don't know if it was because of what happened during that yr that did it or if it was just supposed to be that way. You know they say our fates are all drawn out for us? I wonder what the plan for me was? And am I living up to it?

How long do I have? And do I have time left to do what I was supposed to do or am supposed to do?

Who knows...

Until next time,

What's your point?

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 19:56:00 +0000

Wow, just wow. I can't believe how many people errr celebrities died within a few days. I was shocked really by it all. Farrah I knew was coming, bless her heart I had watched her documentary a month prior and cried during it and with her. I felt so bad that she had to pass away the way she did and to leave her son, I know she didn't want to leave him yet. That is a mothers worst fear or at least it is mine, to leave my kids behind. I think because I know how much it hurts to lose your mother and I don't want them to ever feel that pain.

Ed.Mc. I wasn't expecting, that's sad too that he had to die while losing all of his fortune. What a mess his family must be dealing with now..the loose ends they are having to tie. Very sad for them all.

Michael Jackson, I was shocked about. I always thought he'd live to be so old but we would never see him old if that makes sense. I know he had some problems in his life but who doesn't? I can't really say he did anything that he was accused of because I have no proof he did anything but I can say that whatever he did or didn't do he is now coming to terms with where ever he is now. If he was still a Jehovas Witness he's asleep until time to rebuild the "New Earth". I feel really sad for his mom and his kids :( They have to be devistated!

Billy Mays, I know he wasn't a big star but he was well known. That's sad to, he was young, his wife and kids are also dealing with the worst thing ever right now.

No matter who they were or what we thought of them as people they have moms, dads, wives, husbands, children and brothers/sisters who are right now heartbroken. They feel like it's all a nightmare. The kids will wake up some days and forget they are gone and then they will remember again and relive it all over. So, really who gives a shit if you hated them or what they stood for, respect their families right now. They were loved and charished by someone and that someone is now devistated.

Rest In Pease, all of you.

Until next time,

Oh look another person with an opinion..

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 03:30:00 +0000

You know what really and I mean REALLY gets under my skin? People who talk shit about things they know NOTHING about. Like people who bitch about Union workers yet they've never been one or even known one. I'm married to one and was raised by one. Why don't you get your fat ass up out of your comfy little office chair where you sit in your pathetic little cubical and blog about shit you know nothing about and bust your ass in 100 heat not knowing if you'll have a job tomorrow while your health insurance goes up everyday as your pay drops? Yea, let's try that!

Or people who bitch about certain breeds of dogs. They want to ban this breed or ban that breed while they sit there with their tiny little designer bred dog that probably spawned from a horrible puppy mill somewhere. I have 3 pretty good size dogs and one little dog. NONE of my dogs would hurt you, well not unless you tried to hurt me or their kids but they would not just hurt you because you live! Dumb ass, try reading up a bit on canine behavior, try understand them a bit. Just because you don't understand it doesn't make it bad or wrong!

Oh the people who are anti-homosexual..those people infuriate me the most. They don't want 2 people who obviously love each other to be together just because? Because what? Your Sunday school teacher told you it was bad when you were little? Here, try growing some brains and meet a few people outside of your little box for once...Probably one of those cubical ppl I was talking about earlier! LOL

And, omg I almost forgot this group of ppl. The people who are pro-life but against teen sex education. HELLO? Wth is wrong with you people? Can someone please smack them??? PLEASE!

Yea, I'm ranting, and NO it's not that "time" for me (betcha you're glad ya knew)..I'm just damn pissed and it all piled up and I wanted to yell at you about it! LOL
PLUS I'm home alone tonight and kinda bored so I thought WTH..

Anyway long live unions, awesome dogs and gay people and all those haters can go to hell!!!(If there is sucha place??)

Oh yea and...shut up you're an idiot!

Until next time,

Wet noses, paw prints and happiness...

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 04:27:00 +0000

Anyone who knows me, I mean "really knows" me knows that I am the biggest worrier ever, well except for my daughter. I have always been like that but anyone who knows me also knows how much I love my dogs. Bless their souls, their carefree, I love you no matter what, furry, happy go lucky, my favorite thing in the world is you, souls.. They are my definition of "peace" when I look into their beautiful, trusting eyes I see what it is like to truly be at peace.

They are what people should be, caring, loving and trusting..Gosh how I wish the world would learn how to be so sweet and at peace. They have fun at the very thought of just being with you, the best thing in the world for them is just being with you, doing for you and loving you..

And yes they do tolerate so very much from us :)

I do think that I sense some attitude in this one though hehe

He's thinking, "Should I run??" lol

My Zeus, he does love "his girl" They will always be best friends...my heart hurts sometimes to think of what I have done by allowing my children to learn the love and beauty of animals because in the end, when it's all said and done they will eventually experience a heartache like no other..

They do love us though don't they??

No matter what we do/don't say, no matter how we do or don't look or how much money we do or don't have they just love us because they do and that is the kind of love you just don't see in the human race...that's why we have dogs!

I don't worry about dog hair, food bowls and dog toys laying about, I just don't care!

Until next time,

It's a good life..

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 19:34:00 +0000

I have learned some things recently and those things that would normally sadden me have not saddened me, quite the opposite, they have made me see things for what they always were. You know how you have some people in your life that you try your best to always please and it takes everything you have to make sure they are "ok", they are "happy", they are "not upset"? It's exhausting isn't it? Well this is what I think of "those people".
~So over them!~

I am so excited! School is out for the summer which means I get my kids back!!! *yay*

I can't wait for all the fun things we get to do this summer. Walking, playing outside, making things. We are planning a cave trip this summer, that's exciting because Bree has never done that before. I hope she likes it, I hope we can do some horse back riding too, that is always fun!

I hope you all have the best summer too, and enjoy every single second of it! Don't let anyone rain on your parade, they are not worth a second thought! I know I'm not letting anyone rain on mine! :)

Until next time,

From here to there...

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Wed, 06 May 2009 22:26:00 +0000

Gosh I wish it would stop raining, it's always easier to be sad when it's raining. I like happy, sunny days..birds singing and kids giggling!

I'm going through some weirdness lately. I've experience the death of 2 close friends pets and that hurt like I don't know what. I've seen a side of the human race I had only heard stories about from my mom.

OH and I got the letter from the Dr. that it was time for my 6 month cancer check and I ignored it. (I know that's not cool but I am the type of person that if I ignore it I don't have to deal with it until I'm ready. Not a good way to deal with cancer) Well I planned on calling to set up the appointment when I *felt* ready but someone had other plans because my breast Dr. called my regular Dr. and she called me and fussed at me for not calling immediately. SO I go Monday at 10:45am for another MRI. I really hate MRI's and I'm not sure I have said that loud enough but I HATE MRI's!

They are loud, noisy and very uncomfortable and I hate getting them. I am also kind of aggravated that they told me last time everything appeared B9. Then why not just give me a mammogram and ultra sound in stead? WHY another MRI?? I think I'm dealing with it worse this time around than I did the first time around, probably because I know what to expect!

Laying on my stomach with a cold bar between your breast pressing against your chest bone with your forehead in some weird contraption and your arms stretched forward and an IV in one of them for about an hour or so. THAT sucks! BUT cancer would suck even more so I guess I shouldn't complain, but then again I am going through this so I guess I can complain if I want to.

I really hope that one day they cure cancer and invent better faster ways of detecting it! And they really need to not have such odd age limits on some tests. They say that you should start getting regular mammo's at 45 here every 3 yrs! BUT I know a girl who's sister got breast cancer and died before she was even 30! They need to check us for this sooner than 45.

If you're a woman and you have not been checked please check yourself and make sure if anything weird goes on to insist that they listen to you. It could be a sign of something you need to have looked into.

Anyway I went off on a tangent here. What I was saying is that for some reason here lately I'm really sad. I'm missing mom a lot more it's hurting like it did when she first passed away. I'm very emotional about things and I'm really starting to get used to being alone and that's not good. If I don't watch it I'll end up like one of those unsocial senior dogs you see on those TV behavior shows that bites everyone and growls all the time!! *hehe*

Oh well this too shall pass, or at least I hope it does. I'm so tired of being sad all the time and nobody understands it. I have looked everywhere for a support group etc to talk to ppl who have gone through losing both parents but there are none. Am I really the only one going through this or affected this deeply by it? It seriously makes me wonder.

It's no fun falling apart.

Until next time,

This is the final test of a gentleman: his respect for those who can be of no possible value to him!

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 14:48:00 +0000

Wow, what a world we live in. A community if you will, like a neighborhood who ignores the elderly that never come to the BBQ's or make the new neighbors feel not welcome. Imagine a neighborhood like that, imagine you're the elderly that is ignored or the new neighbor not welcomed. How would you feel?

I never in all my life saw the world that way...not until now..unfortunately. BUT it does make sense as to why I like my dogs more than people. My dogs never disappointment me, never hurt me, never leave me alone. They are connected spiritually to me and they know me, without having to say a word they know I hurt or that my heart is broken. They never tell other dogs that I have not done something they liked, they don't care, all that matters to them is that I am here. I wish I could live in a neighborhood with dogs..their silence means more to me than fake words.

There is one thing that can be said about some of the human race though, unless they can gain something they want to gain from you they don't want you. They would never just be there to be there, they have to have a reason to be there, to love..it's sad really. More advance? Top of the food chain? Only because they are ruthless...my dogs know that without me having to say "I need you" that I need them. They don't check their schedules..or what's going on with them, they are simply just there.

I hate to say, I may have lost faith in humanity.

I think we are drawn to dogs because they are the uninhibited creatures we might be if we weren't certain we knew better. They fight for honor at the first challenge, make love with no moral restraint, and they do not for all their marvelous instincts appear to know about death. Being such wonderfully uncomplicated beings, they need us to do their worrying.
George Bird Evans

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
Henri Nouwen

The sage said, "The best thing is not to hate anyone, only to love. That is the only way out of it. As soon as you have forgiven those whom you hate, you have gotten rid of them. Then you have no reason to hate them; you just forget.

Until next time,

It's all about me...

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 04:00:00 +0000

So I've always said "I could write a book about some of the things I've seen and done in my life" I have never written a book, mostly because I don't have the confidence and I put my writing down as just gibberish.

Anyway I thought that every so often why not blog about me? Why not blog a little about who I am and what made me? I mean there are reasons we all turn out the way we do, right?

So I was born in Warren County Ky, my mother worked in a factory and my dad, well he worked where ever they were hiring. We moved to Louisville when I was about 2, moved straight to the projects, funny I can still remember the way the duplex we lived in looked and who my neighbors were. We lived next door to a stripper, and her kids were always at my house. I have a sister who is 10yrs older then me, I had a brother too who was hit by a car and killed when he was just a few weeks from turning 4 but before I was born.

My dad who was a serious alcoholic blamed my mom for my brothers death and watched me like a hawk so I wouldn't get hurt. One of my most vivid memories there (and this is really messed up) was one night when my dad got drunk and pushed my mom down on the couch and tried to stab her in front of me, remember now I was only 2yrs old almost 3 and I remember this like it was yesterday. I ran out of the house and next door, the neighbors already knew why I was there and I just sat and waited for the police to come get daddy...again.

He always came home within a few hours though because he "knew" people. It was funny how a man who was born and raised in the poorest part of Ky. knew so many powerful people.

He had this thing some called it a passion, I call it for what it was, it was his way of yet having more power over people. He was a member of the KKK. He took me to meetings and things when I didn't know what I was seeing.

Anyway he was a great dad when he was sober but bless his soul he couldn't keep a job for anything. My mom worked in a sewing factory and saved enough to move us to the suburbs believe it or not when I was 5. Man that neighborhood had no idea what was moving in..lol..

It was hard sometimes, we didn't have much money at all and my mom was working herself to death and my dad was drinking it up. Sometimes the only thing we had to eat was bread but my sister always found a way to make whatever we were having taste better. She had to always babysit me so she was in charge of feeding me. We weren't allowed to tell anyone anything so getting any kind of assistance was unheard of. I can still remember going to bed with hunger pangs at that age.

We didn't celebrate holidays or birthdays because my mom was a Jehovah's Witness so there were no holiday parties or presents to worry about or wish for. Heck we didn't even have a phone or even electricity sometimes. But that all seemed normal to me...

I guess I should explain my dad..He was okay if he drank a beer but anything else and he was a total different person. It was almost like he'd morph into this horrid monster in no time. The bad thing was he always wanted to fight and since mom wouldn't fight with him he'd start on me and my sister so mom would defend us and he then would get to fight her. And I don't mean argue, I mean full blown man beating a woman! My sis, because she was 10yrs older then me used to huddle over top of me so when he would throw punches she'd get the brunt before me. Then when mom stepped in my sis would grab me and we'd run to call the police. Those were very common things in my life growing up, dad morphing into the monster hitting us and finishing up with beating mom and passing out. My whole childhood memories of my daddy are of him being that monster more then he wasn't that monster.

Sure mom would take us and we'd sleep in the car for a week then dad would find us and promise to quit drinking and he would, for a little while anyway. She always took him back. I asked her once when I was 15 why she never just left him and she said "Because I wanted you to have your father because I didn't have mine"...her dad was killed in a coal mine when she was 2 yrs old. So I respect her for that, she did what at the time seemed the most logical thing. She had no idea really what kind of trauma it was causing us.

When I was 6 my sis joined the Army and moved out. She joined so she could get away, she hated leaving me there in that mess alone and so she wrote me often. I once saved a bunch of pennies and put them in an envelope and had mom mail it to her in Korea so she could come home. I really missed her so much. Things were the same with mom and dad when she was gone except there was no one there to huddle over me anymore so I then had to fight on my own. I remember riding the bus home from school everyday and knots forming in my stomach because I didn't know when I got home which dad would be there waiting for me, sober dad or drunk and mad dad. Once my mom had to stay in the hospital because she had an operation, my dad tried to make me drive him to the hospital to see her, I was 9 yrs old.

He was mean not only to us but to animals too and most of the time we witnessed it. He deliberately killed some of our pets either because they were in his way or to teach us a lesson. I believe that is the main reason animal cruelty affects me the way it does to this day. I get so angry when I hear about it...I can't stand it because I've heard the screams and yelps of an abused animal...My animals and any animal I come across will be cared for the best that I can. I'd give my last penny to help an animal or even a person that I care for.

One yr my daddy decided he was gonna get me a Christmas tree for the first time ever, I was excited but had no idea why..lol..Mom wasn't thrilled with it because it went against her beliefs but she let him do it anyway. That year on Christmas day I woke up to a couple of presents. I got an off brand barbie doll, a dress and a used tape recorder. I felt so proud of those things even when my friends were talking about the millions of dolls, toys and clothes they got. My sis came home to visit us and she took me shopping and bought me a brand new outfit and a nice pair of shoes and then took me to lunch. She made me feel so important and safe but her visits were short because she had to get back to her duty....

I don't like writing about my dad because I don't have a lot of good to say and it hurts. I loved my dad very much and still do to this day so I am going to try and finish my story about how he affected my life.

Around the 3rd grade I started to self mutilate myself, small little things like picking my skin. I never though of it as being anything bad but I did it because it eased stress for me. If you're thinking I'm crazy then hell you may be right but at least I know it. I never really put the facts together, how in a way what my dad did by drinking himself into a forgetful monster was actually self mutilation until a few years ago. He self mutilated himself from the inside, every alcoholic is a self mutilator if you stop and think about it only you can't see their scars like you can mine. So I guess what I did was no different then what my dad did. I started with picking my skin then moved on to cutting my stomach, legs and arms. I have scars on my arms and on my back and probably on my head under my hair, I self mutilated until I was 27 yrs old. I'm lucky I haven't cut since, don't get me wrong there are days when I want to..I want to so bad I can almost taste it but I don't.

It's an addiction, a way to cope with stress except instead of picking up the bottle and drinking myself numb I would mutilate myself and feel a rush. I can't even believe I am talking about this, I am ashamed of it. So, I am weak or at least I was...I mean I am able now to stop the urge, I meditate or play with my dogs and I can manage to get the urge out of my head, almost feels sometimes like "If I could just do it this one time I'd feel better" but in all honestly I know there won't be "just one more time" because if I relapsed I'd never stop. I never mutilated to kill myself though, that's what people don't get...I didn't want to die..I just wanted to feel that rush and get rid of the stress because you know self mutilators don't feel physical pain like other people do.

When I was about 11 dad started to not drink as much because he ended up needing a bypass. In a way that was a blessing, I mean it meant he would only get drunk on holidays and once a month which was a little less stressful. I started middle school and everything was so confusing at that age I'm sure you remember..lol...One month before my 13th birthday I got up and got ready for school, that day my dad drove me..He dropped me off and told me bye.

Later that afternoon my sister picked me up from school and told me our house hand burned down, I mean to the ground. I immediately blamed my dad but later found out it was a coffee maker that did it. I didn't see him though because my sister took me to her house to stay the night while my mom stayed there waiting for my dad to return because he had left and no one knew where. Apparently he showed up in the middle of the night and was drunk and passed out in the bedroom so my mom laid down on the smoke covered couch and slept until morning when my sister came to bring some coffee after taking me to school.

My sister woke my mom up and went to check on my dad, he was dead. She tried to do CPR but he had been gone for several hours, he died of a massive heart attack. Everything after her picking me up and telling me he was gone and me breaking completely down is a blur, I don't remember the funeral or anything. I wish I could have had him longer though, I wish he could have had the chance to sober up and met my kids. I wish I would have had a chance to get to know my dad w/out the alcohol, I wish I could have at least said "I forgive you"

Until next time,

Boneless wings so good you'll lick your fingers...

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 23:26:00 +0000

I made my boneless wings tonight and decided I'd take some pics and share them with you guys, in case you wanna make them too..They are really good!

Ok here's the recipe..pictures will follow at the end..
* oil for deep frying
* 1/4 cup butter
* 1/4 cup hot sauce (I use Frank's RedHot hot sauce)
* 1/4 cup smokey BBQ sauce
* 1 dash ground black pepper
* 1 dash garlic powder
* 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
* 1/4 teaspoon paprika
* 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
* 1/4 teaspoon salt
* 10 chicken wings (I use boneless chicken breasts and slice them into tenders)

DIRECTIONS

1. Heat oil in a deep fryer to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). The oil should be just enough to cover wings entirely, an inch or so deep. Combine the butter, hot and BBQ sauce, pepper and garlic powder in a small saucepan over low heat. Stir together and heat until butter is melted and mixture is well blended. Remove from heat and reserve for serving.

2. In a small bowl mix together the flour, paprika, cayenne pepper and salt. Place chicken wings in a large nonporous glass dish or bowl and sprinkle flour mixture over them until they are evenly coated. Cover dish or bowl and refrigerate for 60 to 90 minutes.

3. Fry coated wings in hot oil for 10 to 15 minutes, or until parts of wings begin to turn brown. Remove from heat, place wings in serving bowl, add hot sauce mixture and spin around in the bowl until well covered. Serve.

Step 1 coated chicken.

Step 2 fried..

Step 3 place in bowl..

Step 4 swirl in bowl to cover in sauce..

Or in extra sauce if you like..

I hope you try them and enjoy...

Until next time,

I'm sorry Ice Strom but you're in the wrong State!

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 15:58:00 +0000

Ok, so far since September we have had a Hurricane and now an Ice Storm like we've NEVER had and then 2 weeks after the Ice Storm we have a Wind Storm with 70 mph winds! I'm sorry but who pissed off Mother Nature and why is she hurling all her rage at us??? Just curious!!

Being without power in the middle of an ice storm means being without heat which means very cold humans and canines who eventually break down and buy a generator at an insanely amount of money..SO NOT cool Mother Nature, SO before Tornado season starts I'd like to offer my apologies for whomever it was that pissed you off and invite you over for Tea! Because I'd like to keep my house...:)

I did manage some pictures though, as devastating as this storm was it was a beautiful glory to see! We woke up and all of our trees and bushes, ever single twig was dripping in what looked like diamonds..just breath taking!

I took this before bed the night before as the ice was falling..

And this was the very next morning..

WOW! Just WOW!

Until next time,

Some more pictures...a lazy Sunday...

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 20:00:00 +0000

Here is the old man, he's never goofy so this is a chance sighting!

Until next time,

Happy New Year !

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 03:31:00 +0000

I hope everyone has a Happy New Year!

I know this year has been hard on us all but we have the power to make it better!

We have to believe it will get better!

Until next time,

My heart dog and dog magic!!

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 02:36:00 +0000

If you read my blogs often (not many do) you'll know by now that I have 4 dogs, 3 of which are Boxers..I admit it, I'm a boxer addict! We ll I have discussed this many times with other boxer owners and we all agree but it made me wonder if everyone else is the same or not.

I love all of my dogs so much, they are like children to me except they listen far better than the kids do lol. They are all unique and have different personalities. They each one make me smile, everyday in their very own magical way..

Even though I love them all there is always one that is our "heart dog", the one that we feel a very special bond with. That one dog that seems to have been sent to us on purpose! Zeus is my "heart dog", I bottle fed him when we first got him because he was so young and his mother couldn't care for him any longer. He has had so many health issues, I'd die if I added up all the vet bills. Maybe it's the mothering I had to do with him, I'm not sure all I know is he's a special guy and we have this bond that is very unique. When it's his time to go it will break my heart into millions of pieces but I hope with all hope that I will be blessed again one day with another "heart dog"

Dogs just have a magic, you can feel it when you walk into a room with dogs (if you're a dog person that is) and when they pass on to a better place to wait patiently for us to meet them you feel the absence of the magic that particular dog had. It's a loss so deep we hurt yet when we remember their "magic" through memories we can laugh again. We remember the way they made us feel, how that even though we were having a horrible day or at our saddest they some how knew and loved us even at our worst! I hope you enjoy the magic the same way I do..

Thank god for dogs!
Until next time,

Christmas Card pictures...yeah that's not an easy task!

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 20:46:00 +0000

So every year I send out Christmas Cards with my dogs pictures on them for my Boxer site members, but they end up going out to everyone since I have so many. This has started a traditional "Christmas Card picture taking event" and I always have funny pictures that never make it on the actual cards so I thought I'd share the funny out takes with you guys..hehehe

This BIG blur is Zeus! He is forever running from the camera or being the "bad kid" and making a face in the picture!

Hopefully the good one turns out LOL
Until next time,

Photography and me...

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 16:27:00 +0000

I love to take pictures of things, my kids, my dogs, nature...food..I'm not that good at it but it is an awesome hobby and I get to edit the photos in my graphics program and play with new filters etc..It's really fun for me.. I like to show the pictures I take because even though I know they aren't the best photographs in the world to me they are.

Pictures tell a story, a snap shot of a time that will never be again, history documented. I don't have many pictures from when I was a child or even of my first born son because sadly they were all ruined in a house fire. Maybe that is why I take pictures so much now?

Anyway I took some pictures (ok LOTS of pictures) lately that I would love to share...:)

My old man, he's starting to show his age..he's such a good boy though!

My paper monster, he's forever walking around with a piece of paper hanging from his mouth..he's a whole bunch of silly LOL

My Zeus (Bubba) he's my big baby, he still sits in my lap! All 98lbs of him!

Miss Mini showing off the sweater I made her hehe

Just some randoms of my yard, candles etc..

a moment in time...

and some more of the pups..

Until next time,

Election Day 2008

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 14:59:00 +0000

I voted today!

I voted FOR my rights as a woman, I voted FOR health care because I remember what it was like to not have any, I voted FOR keeping jobs in America because my husbands job is worth that to me and I voted FOR unions because without them my husband would not have a job.

I don't care much about whether or not we can have guns, I don't "need" to carry guns, have absolutely no desire to own one and think people that do have them ("for safety"), unless you hunt have some serious paranoia issues.

I do care that there are still some people in this country who think they should be able to tell someone what they can and cannot do with their bodies yet want no one to tell them that they don't need a gun. *double standard.*

This election is very important, don't be selfish and vote for your party because you think it's the right thing to do, vote for the right thing to do..vote PRO-America...we need someone in office who can and WILL fix this country.

Later I will pop some pop corn and sit back and watch the Election news for the evening..hanging on every poll closing, this election is history making no matter who wins it and I was alive when it happened...

Until next time,

Colorfest, Fall my favorite season!

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 16:19:00 +0000

We went to the Colorfest last weekend, it was beautiful and wonderful! We went on a hike..did crafts, ate, went on a hayride and just enjoyed the day..

It was absolutely beautiful and peaceful there!

She had a wonderful time!

I wish I were so talented!

The scenery was gorgeous!

Here are some of my favorite pictures I took!

Hope you enjoyed my pictures....
Until next time,

Inconclucive..

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 16:01:00 +0000

Hey you guys,

I meant to update and I am so sorry that I did not. My MRI was inconclusive and so I have to return in 6 months for another one. From what I gather I will be going every 6 months for MRI's and Mammograms. That is fine with me, early detection saves lives! If it does turn into something I will have caught it early and will be able to fight it.

Thank you do much for your concern..I really, really appreciate it!

Remember ladies, I have NO family history of breast cancer...your family history can start with YOU! So make sure you do those self exams and get your mammograms! I am going on 35, in reality I should not even begin mammograms until 40yrs old in my area so I am ahead of the game. Do NOT think that if you are my age and you have no family history that you cannot get breast cancer because, you CAN!

Until next time,

Fight like a girl!

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 00:31:00 +0000

I've spent a lot of time with myself the past couple of weeks waiting for this date, the date I see the surgeon. I was tough and strong, only broke down a few times but today, omg was it ever different! I was trembling while I waited for him to come in, I was SO nervous! But anyway!

I really liked him he made me feel better, he spent about 20+ minutes with me and explained things to me..he studied my mammogram and U/S results and then did an exam himself.

He brought in a colleague and they basically said they think it's Lobular Carcinoma..but to be absolutely sure they are sending me for an MRI. ..

I go next Thursday October 2nd at 9:30 am I should know for sure by the following Monday if it is Lobular Carcinoma, what type it is and what my treatment options are.. So after the mammogram and 2 ultra sounds they say the MRI will for sure tell us what we are dealing with.

I feel ok with it either way..he told me that first we need to make sure that's what it is for sure and then what type to know for sure..More than likely I'd be a Stage 0 and now days that's like not even having it. The only thing that's concerning is that I can't do the hormonal treatment if they want that method because of my blood clotting disorder but he said we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

I feel really good about it, he's taking it seriously and he didn't scare me which is why I think I'm so ok with it. Like he said with today's advancements and technology the MRI is my best option at finding a definite answer..

I've already started kicking it's a$$ whatever it may be.

Until next time,

One of my favorite shows!!

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 00:53:00 +0000

I have watched this show since the very first episode, I saw that episode on accident as it was and I have not turned back since!
I am so excited season 4 has started!!!

A hurricane in Kentucky??

noreply@blogger.com (~Tonyia~) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 14:32:00 +0000

Okay, I never in my whole life thought anything like this would happen..I mean we get Tornadoes here but they hit and they leave, they leave sporadic and sometimes heart wrenching damage but they don't last HOURS! Sunday we were hit with unexpected 81mph wind gusts with a sustained wind of 50+mph for several HOURS. Our homes are not made for that here, heck nothing is made for that here..it left massive damage everywhere.

Anyway I have some pictures of my street that I thought I would share, everyone here is out of power and may be like that for up to 14 days, luckily I must have some good karma saved up because we never lost ours and we are one of like 6 houses that still has power. School has been cancelled for the week and may be longer, the devastation is everywhere, a 10yr old little boy lost his life due to the winds. It's all so sad, I have some more pictures I will share later but these will do for now I guess..

This is my backyard..

and this is from just around my neighborhood...

It's all so sad..

Until next time,