Former Fattie Felicia

Personal: 1. Of or relating to a particular person; private

2007-08-06T06:27:00.000-07:00

So I seem to be having some "TMI" problems with this diet. I can't seem to "go #2". Nothing at all. I figured that it would take a few days for my body to adjust to not eating sugars and carbs, but it doesn't seem like anything is happening. The only day I was able to "go" was the day I cheated. I am going to talk to the pharmacist at Walgreens today and see if he can recommend anything to me. Maybe I will have to take some laxatives?? Anyone had an experience with this?

Unable: 1. Lacking the necessary power, authority, or means; not able; incapable

2007-08-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite quotes (from my all time favorite movie) has always been "Tomorrow is another day". I try to apply this to my life as often as possible, it gives me a "no use crying over spilled milk" attitude. It's days like today that this is difficult. After doing so well the last few weeks, I have fallen down. I don't know what happened. I started out fine this morning with my boiled egg and turkey sausage patties after coming back from my walk. Then I had a tablespoon of peanut butter around 10am to tide me over until lunch. At lunch I started good. Romaine lettuce with fixings of a turkey sandwich stuffed inside of it, but after the "sandwich" was gone, I was still hungry. My mother in law bought us a lb. of Lindt truffles this past weekend, and I had decided to allow myself one truffle every Sunday. I had one today, with the initial thought that this one that I was going to eat would just take the place of my "Sunday" truffle. One turned into two, which turned into three....before I knew it, I had had every bit of 5 truffles. 5 TRUFFLES! Probably equivalent in calories/carbs to what I should be eating for two meals, let alone the sugar content...I don't even wanna think about it. It's hard for me to "scrap myself up" after a situation like that, but I tried. I carried on with the rest of my day like usual, doing my ab exercises as planned and eating a good dinner of tuna salad. But all day those truffles have been taunting me - HAHA you messed up. Am I going crazy? Or just feeling very guilty??

Reward: 1. Something given or received in recompense for worthy behavior or in retribution for evil acts.

2007-07-31T15:53:00.000-07:00

Today is the day! For two weeks I have been eliminating carbs from my diet. The first week was hell, no doubt about it. But this week hasn't been as bad. I still want to go out to Krispy Kreme when I see donuts on tv, but it's not a constant craving. It's time for my reward. Chinese food. I've heard it's not right to reward weight loss efforts with food, but I disagree. I work for my rewards. I have been craving Chinese since last week and promised myself a yummy dish if I did well. Today is D-DAY! Supper came and I devoured a dish of Pepper Steak & Onions. Don't worry. No sauce, and no rice. Just the steak and veggies. In the words of Rachael Ray "YUM-O!"

I am excited for the upcoming weeks and I need to figure out another goal. Comments and ideas are appreciated. :) As well as any ideas for yummy carb-less meals and snacks. I am running low on ideas.

Cope: 1. to struggle or deal, esp. on fairly even terms or with some degree of success

2007-07-31T15:32:00.000-07:00

My heaviest, 218 lbs, size 14/16.

Life had taken many changes in such a short time it seemed. I was 20 years old, 218lbs. and had been diagnosed with PCOS. The doctor told me about some medicines I needed to be on, and helped me realize what foods I should be eating. I was given all the tools I would need and all the help to change my life.

The change didn't happen.

Not until about a year and a half later. Something in me clicked. I was tired of being tired...tired of hurting all the time. Every night my back hurt, or my feet hurt, my hips hurt. I snored so loudly at night my husband would wake up. I ran out of breathe walking to the mail box. I was 5'4", with a BMI of 37. It was time to do something.

I was blessed in life at this time with an amazing job that allowed me to visit an onsite nurse practitioner who gave me options. I made my choice. Meridia. Some people are against taking pills to help with weight loss, but being a truly impatient person, Meridia helped me see almost immediate changes, which pushed me to do more for my weight loss. From June 2006 up until December 2006 I took Meridia. I went from 218 lbs, down to 181. Not my goal weight, but nothing to shrug my shoulders at either. I was on a roll. Or so it seemed. My job was a temp position, and right after Christmas, the position ended. There went my amazing benefits (the position was with BlueCross BlueShield) and my fab nurse practitioner. The Meridia had already stopped, because I was no longer in the obese category. I was "overweight". It was all up to me now. This brings me to current day. Since leave BlueCross last December I have rolled between 181lbs all the way down to 173lbs. I can't seem to get out of this slump. My current weight is 177 lbs, with an all time goal of 150 lbs. I have large bones, and thick muscle mass (or so says my doctor) so although 150 lbs still has a BMI which is overweight, the doctor says it's a good goal weight for me right now. I was a size 14 a year ago, and now I am a size 10. I am pretty proud of myself for coming this far and I can't wait to get beyond this point. I have started eliminating carbs from my diet. Hopefully this will jump start my weight loss again, and help with the insulin resistance which typically comes hand and hand with PCOS.

Taken Christmas 2006, weigh in 181 lbs. after 6 months of exercise/diet and Meridia.

Current day, taken June 2007. Current weight 177 lbs.

Perfectionist - a person who demands perfection of himself, herself, or others.

2007-07-31T14:17:00.001-07:00

I was never "the fat girl" in school. Quite the opposite. I was the girl who was obsessed with her weight without needing to be. I became obsessive compulsive with my weight at a very young age. I can remember as far back as elementary school. It came naturally though, from my home, not a magazine. A little background info for those interested.

For various reasons I was raised by my grandparents. My grandmother was German born and raised, a through and through perfectionist, whether it came to cleanliness, grades or appearance. I remember it being drilled into my head on the first day of school that I should sit like "a lady", and not behave "like a child". (Being kinda hard considering I was in KINDERGARTEN!) I was never allowed to wear cute dress up clothes and pick out outfits that didn't match, not with my Grandmother. Everything was perfect. To be fair, she had raised my father and uncle during the 50's and 60's and so much had changed. She always reminded me of Jackie O when she dressed up, everything matched.

At the age of seven we took an amazing trip to Europe, where we visited family all over. Of course, we ate tons. By the time we got back after three weeks, it was clear I had gained some weight. The first night we were back I was ordered onto the scale and put on my first diet. (Yes, I said the age of seven.) I was weighed every week after that on Sunday morning. If I gained weight, I was sent to my room for the day. In my grandmother's eyes, if I gained weight that meant that I had eaten something I shouldn't have. I should let you know that I was AT THE MOST pudgy during this time, not fat or obese. I was active, not a lazy child. I had just been overindulged for three weeks, stuffed full of yummy German and Italian sweets and meals.

Eventually I was allowed to get off my "diet", but something had altered. I ate very little breakfast, a small bowl of cereal at most. I skipped lunch completely. At dinner, I didn't eat much at all, and what I did eat was always a very well balanced meal. Vegtables, meats, breads. No snacks or anything like that. So basically, living off of one and a half meals everyday. I don't know if my grandmother KNEW I was literally starving myself, but obviously she didn't care.

At sixteen things changed. I went from a size 0 pant, to a size 3 within months. Nothing abnormal, in fact most of my friends were a 5 or 7. I had very little "shape" to me. No breasts, an A cup and no hips, straight down like a boy. However I was big framed (or so the doctors always told me) I guess from my heritage. (My father's family as you've heard was predominately German, and my mother's side Scotch-Irish.) By the time I was 17, I was 125lbs. and a size 5, which was "fat" according to my grandmother.

Age 16, size 0/2

The rest of my "home life" story starts to take on an "Oprah" feel, so I will leave it at that, just saying that I don't live with nor speak to my grandmother any longer. The perfection needed from my body was only one area of my life which was molded and hurt by her. Over a year after leaving (three months until my 18th birthday), I went from 125 lbs and a size 5 to 140 lbs and a size 9. The weight starting coming....I couldn't stop it. It wasn't that I was eating tons more, or even unhealthy (no pizza every night for this teen). There were other changes to. While my lower body generally was staying small, from my waist line up was expanding. I began looking like an upside down triangle (at least in my eyes). My breasts got big, but not "normal" big. Floppy, saggy big - not at all sexy. Other changes as well, hair on my face, and the rest of my body. First just thin hairs, nothing crazy. But then thicker and darker. No periods...they just stopped coming. Was this normal? I would live like this for the next 2 years, until I would finally muster the courage to go to a doctor and find out that I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). When I finally ended up in the doctors office, I was 218 lbs., a size 13 and on the brink of diabetes.