FOSTER FAMILY TALK

I Just Wanted To Make Her Life "All Better!"

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 03:56:00 +0000

I have been doing some deep thinking regarding my choice to become a foster mom. I did not go looking to become one, but I believe that it did not just fall in my lap by accident. I have done too much complaining lately about A. and as I read back through some of my posts, I feel somewhat ashamed. A. is a loving and sweet girl who had the misfortune to have been born to mom who had her own misfortunes as a young girl. It isn't as though A. tries to misbehave. In fact, I believe that she really does try to do what is right. As I read through other foster blog sites, I am beginning to understand that lieing and foster kids very often go hand in hand. I need to try and look past the lieing itself and try to figure out why she lies. We have a deep distrust in most anything she says to us. Could it be that she likewise has a deep distrust in US and perhaps feels like we, like her biological mom, won't be able to hear the truth without being sarcastic or unsympathetic or annoyed? Maybe she feels like the truth would get her in trouble so she feels like she needs to lie.

What ever the real reason is, A. is in desperate need of acceptance, not only from me and her foster dad, but also from her friends at school. She is so desperate in fact that she often acts out in ways that are "different" or considered "wierd" and therefore she sometimes receives a negative instead of a positive response. Five years ago, when I first got to know her at the school where I was an assistant teacher, I was drawn to the slightly pathetic "difference" that she was exhibiting even back then. She reminded me of another child that I love very much and I remember wanting to scoop her up and take her home and make her life "all better".

Over the past several years, I have learned that nothing I can do can make her past life "all better", but I know I can do more than I do to make her feel more loved and accepted for the person that she is today. A kind lady commented on my last post and suggested that maybe I was trying too hard to control A's daily life. Maybe I do. Maybe I'm just trying too hard to make A. change. But isn't being a mom all about trying to raise your kids with the right morals and teaching them right from wrong? I know that I started out trying to help A. learn how to behave in a "normal" family (if there is such a thing!), but maybe at some point I began to expect too much. On the other hand, is it fair to a child to allow them to continue to repeat certain patterns of behavior over and over again without teaching that along with bad behavior comes consequences? It is my inability to get her to see the connection between her lieing and the resulting consequences that really has me frustrated.

I guess I will just have to keep trying to understand A. better. I don't know if I will succeed because when I talk to her I don't know if she is telling me the truth or a lie. At any rate, I do want her to know that she is loved in our home. So that is what I am going to focus on. Maybe the rest will simply fall in place!

I Guess I Get An "F" For Having A Positive Attitude Today!

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 14:57:00 +0000

Yesterday may have began quiet and peaceful, but as usual it didn't remain that way. I won't go into details but suffice it to say that a dresser ended up being knocked over and everything on top of it fell off and most of it was broken. This WAS an accident. But it made me jump out of my skin when I heard the crash. After finding out that everybody was unharmed, I went back to what I was doing, wondering why my life in particular had to be so much like a wild roller coaster ride. What in the world did I do wrong as I walked along my individual path of growing up that placed me in the unpredictable life that I now live?

THIS morning did not begin quiet and peaceful. I took one look at my foster daughter as she was getting ready to walk out of the door to go to school and I noticed that her face looked peculiarly plastic-like. Our rule is that she does not yet have permission to wear make-up. We have been through this before. I asked her if she had on make-up and she immediately went into her defensive mode and said "no, this is the way my eyes look normally, I promise!" I just kept looking at her face and she slowly began to stutter something about the only make-up she had on was a little cover up to hide a few little bumps that she had on her face. I just kept looking at her. Here she was, standing in front of me, with her face plastered with a foundation that made her skin look plastic, telling me that all she did was cover up a few bumps! Am I blind? Am I stupid? Like I said, we have been through this before. And it was not just the fact that she was wearing make-up that got to me. It was also the fact that she has been told so directly and repeatedly that she is NOT to get into her older sister's make-up (older sister is 23, A. is 13).

Am I missing something here? Why is it so hard for A. to follow simple rules? I have said before that these things that we are dealing with are not really all about the actual act of wearing make-up or any of the other many, many little things that she does. The fundamental issue is that she is not capable of doing what she is told. She can not follow any rules. And when caught, she lies. And it all comes so easy to her. I understand that this is what it was like for her when she lived with her biological mom and that her mom has always and will always behave in that same way. So should I face the fact that A. will NEVER get any better than she is now at respecting our family and our rules? If she is this way at 13, what will she be like at 16? 18? Well, at 18 she will probably take off to live with her real mom!

Well, life goes on. What will today bring? There are many other things that happen during each day that I never talk about in my posts. And I know that I don't have it as bad as many other moms do. But like I have said before, the life that I live is MY reality and the problems feel as overwhelming to me as other people's problems feel to them.

I guess I get an "F" for having a positive attitude today. I will work on it though. My positive attitude yesterday did help me get through the day. Maybe I can salvage the rest of today.

I Am Not Going To Think About That!

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 17:57:00 +0000

Is anyone ready for Christmas? I envy all of you who have it so together and have already completed your Christmas shopping. I have not even started. It seems like life just keeps happening and my mind rarely even begins to think about Christmas shopping. Life just keeps happening. What do I expect, right? I just wish life wasn't so complicated and stressful. Especially at this time of the year.

But, I'm not going to think about that. Today I am trying to think positive thoughts. This morning started out pretty quiet and peaceful so I am going to be thankful for this one morning. Who knows what the rest of the day will bring!

But, I'm not going to think about that!

DIFFICULT FOSTER CHILD? LOVE THAT CHILD; IT JUST MIGHT WORK MIRACLES

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 16:26:00 +0000

With all of the complaining I have been doing about my foster daughter, I'm afraid I lost track of the most basic need she has: Love. The following post I found really touched my heart. Love may not heal all of the hurts a foster child is carrying inside of them, but without it, they don't stand a chance.

Foster Children Need Love
by Fatherofeight | More from this Blogger
08 Dec 2006 06:49 PM

Sometimes foster children come into a home so distressed and traumatized that it is difficult to imagine how they could ever adjust to anything but institutional living. On May 5, 2003, Walter and Jacob came to live with us. We already had their two brothers, Tommy and Caleb. Jacob was very difficult to handle.

We now had, Caleb, four months old, Jacob, 18 months old, Tommy, 30 months old, and, Walter, who was four and a half. Tommy was having hysterical, screaming rages quite regularly. Walter was very hyperactive and obviously anxious. Jacob could not get along with any of the other children.

Any outdoor play between the boys ended with Jacob biting one or more of the others. In the house, Jacob used anything as a weapon and tried to break furniture. He screamed constantly unless he was being held by someone who was standing up. We had three children acting out in various ways and a baby. When Nancy found out that she would need to have a hysterectomy the same month, it became obvious that we would have to place Jacob somewhere else. It was just too chaotic.

Our adoption agency worker suggested that Jacob be placed temporarily in a respite home. We were still willing to consider adopting him, but it was very scary. He was placed with a family that had three teenage children. The thinking was that he was badly in need of affection and this family could always have someone available to hold him.

Two months passed. The other children were getting better. I had major doubts about Jacob. The time was nearing for a decision to be made. A regular family visit had been scheduled and we were told that Jacob would be there. I didn't know what to do.

We arrived at the building where the meeting was to take place. There was a large group of people standing around talking to each other in the lobby. The lady who was keeping Jacob came in with him in her arms. I was not prepared for what happened next.

She put Jacob down on the floor. He saw me on the other side of the room. Imagine a chubby, 20 month old child trying to run. He did. He ran (actually he waddled) around the entire group of people with his arms spread wide, saying in toddler language, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy." I grabbed him and held him. We all cried for a while. At that moment, we knew that he was our child.

Today, Jacob is a brilliant five year old child. He could read at a first grade level when he was four. He had not been to school; he had listened while Nancy taught Walter to read. He is also our sweetest and most obedient child. He just needed to be loved.

To view original article, please click on title of this post.

I Don't Know What Happened! I Just Hit The Snooze And The Next Thing I Knew It was An Hour Later!

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 02:46:00 +0000

I am working with A. on getting out the door on time in the morning so she is not late to school. Her being late had gotten so bad that I lost count of the detentions she had due to her tardies. She had every excuse in the book: "I forgot to set my alarm; I pushed the snooze button and must have turned it off; I don't know what happened!" The plain simple truth is that she simply did not want to get out of bed. Not that I blame her for that. I myself would sleep in later if it were possible, but for all of us the day begins around 6:30 a.m., like it or not, and everybody has to do their part.

So, to aid her in getting up and getting out the door on time, I told her that for every day she was late for school, she was going to have to go to bed half an hour earlier. She started out by going to her room for quiet time at 9:00 and turned her lights off at 10:00. By the time she actually began to make a noticeable effort to make it to school on time, she was having to go to her room at 6:30 and turn her lights off at 7:00. I make her go for 5 days in a row without being late to school and then I give her back half an hour. She has only made it to 7:00 quiet time with lights out at 7:30. But, it is working.

I just wanted to share that tid bit of information to anyone else who may be struggling with the same problem. I never once got mad at her once I decided on how I was going to handle this situation. I simply told her that it seemed to me that she must need more sleep at night in order to get up early enough to get to school on time. I told her that we would just keep moving her bed time earlier and earlier until we discovered what time it was that she needed to get to sleep in order to not be so tired in the morning. 6:30 p.m. seemed to be that magical time. However, since at 13 years old she does not like going to bed that early, she is making an effort to get up, do her chores, eat breakfast, and make it out the door no later than 8:10.

This is actually exciting to me because I do not very often have success when it comes to getting A. to change any of her bad habits/behaviors. If only I could discover consequences that would work for some of her other bad habits/behaviors. Oh well, one thing at a time I suppose. If this is the only thing I can manage to help her with, I guess I have accomplished at least one thing.

Two Years Ago, Probably. Now? I'm Not So Sure.

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 21:47:00 +0000

Well, Thanksgiving was an enjoyable time. My family got together and enjoyed all the good food that comes with the holidays. A. is always so good at events like this one that if I told anybody what the stress load was like at our house on any given normal day they would probably be totally surprised.

We are hanging on by our fingernails, not wanting to "pull the plug" yet. We take it day by day, week by week, trying to make it through the holidays. A. is finding that we are not as willing to engage her in conversation very much anymore and so I know she is feeling like we are cutting her out of our lives. I am having a hard time wanting to talk with her the way I used to because I have come to understand that I have no idea what part of what she is saying is going to be the truth or a lie. How does one deal with that? Talking with one another is supposed to be a way of getting to know things about each other and it is a way to draw closer to each other. What is the point of talking with someone who is giving you conversation that is false and misleading? It is so stressful and misleading and hurtful.

I guess I'll just keep trudging along for now. I am not sure what will happen after the holidays though. I crave peace in my own home. Yet I am filled with guilt at the thought of sending A. to live with some other foster family. This is a no win situation. A.'s mom's termination trial is mid January. Finally, after 4 years in foster care we may be nearing the end of this ordeal. This is what I have been hoping for all along. And now that termination is almost here, I feel ready to give up. Once upon a time I would have fought tooth and nail to gain the rights to adopt A. Now, I'm not sure what I will do. This case has dragged on way too long and I partially blame everybody who has had a part in making this case go on for 4 years for messing up A.'s mind even more than it was at the beginning. If this could have been settled within the first one or two years I think things would have worked out much better for all of us. But it didn't and now I don't know if I can take the step of permanently making A. a part of our family. She is 13 going on 20. I don't know if I want to live through the stress of her teenage years. (Sigh!)

Someone tell me about a child you had to let go and it turned out for the best, or perhaps a child you thought you would let go but then decided to keep and it worked out great. I could use some uplifting stories.

Happy Thanksgiving

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 14:56:00 +0000

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just thought I would do a quick post about what I am thankful for before I have to get out of bed and get busy for the day.

I am so thankful for my entire family. Each one of us is unique with our own set of personal struggles and gifts that make us who we are. We compliment each other. We each learn from the struggles that someone in our family is going through. I have been taught to give thanks for my trials because each trial will make me stronger and wiser.

So, thank you, God, for my trials and my family.

I HOPE I DON'T SOUND LIKE A MONSTER!

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:41:00 +0000

Things have been getting much too intense around our home over the past several months. A.'s lying seems to have taken over most of our thoughts and energy. I knew I had to learn as much as I could, as quickly as I could, in order to get a handle on this problem.

I have been reading via the internet whatever I could find about children who lie and why they lie and how to deal with it. I think the most important thing I have learned is that it is not necessary to try and catch each and every lie that is told. Yes, lying is wrong and it has to be dealt with, but even more important than the lying is WHY is she lying and what behavior is she lying about.

So, that being said, I acknowledge that knowledge is only a small part of the battle. It is one thing to have gained some understanding about a problem and yet another to actually do something about it. Each morning I say "today I am going to treat A. with only patience and love and only deal with the important issues." But I know that as soon as I walk out of my bedroom and have to deal with the day to day issues of life, I will fail miserably. A. will ultimately roll her eyes, sigh heavily, tell me that the rules of our house are stupid, blame everyone else for all of her problems except herself, tell me some lie about why she did this or that, and I will immediately lose it. She is so head-strong and unwilling to admit that she plays any part in her own problems. I get so bogged down with the frustrations of dealing with her attitude that I then over react when even the slightest misbehaviors happen.

That is my struggle now. To put life back into perspective. Is A. REALLY that much worse than my own 3 biological children were? Well, yes, as far as the lying is concerned she is. But, some of the other stuff I get so upset at her over is at least to some degree just her being 13. One of my own bio children also has a huge attitude. Do I lash out at her over everything she does just because of that? No. I love her and to a large degree understand her struggles and am able to set aside some of her behaviors because I know some of what makes her who she is. Why can't I seem to do that with A.?

I'll admit a secret that I don't like to admit even to myself. I fear that even though I do love A., I also deeply resent the stress that she has brought into our home. Remember, my family did not go looking to be a foster family. We took this girl in because we had known her and her family for years and we wanted to help. (My hat is off to all of you foster parents who deal with much much bigger issues than what we are dealing with.) It is this resentment that keeps a wall between me and A. I don't feel I have been successful at helping her to overcome her deeper issues and that makes me feel like a failure.

So, together with the feelings of resentment and feeling like a failure, I'm afraid I take my frustrations out on A. too quickly and too often and sometimes out of proportion to the behavior being dealt with. Now, how do I go about getting myself back under control and seeing A. as the 13 year old adolescent with a troubled past that she is? I want so much to make her feel loved by me and I'm afraid she is not sure about that anymore. Here is another problem I have with her: When she knows I am frustrated at her, she gives me space. When she feels like I have softened up and am not being so hard on her, she becomes a leech, wanting to hang on me every opportunity that she can. I know that sounds horrible for me to say and I want to make it clear that I don't have a problem with healthy hugs. But A. and her own bio mom used to hang on each other all of the time, I guess to make up for all the dysfunction they knew was going on in their family. So A. feels like that is the way it should be between her and me and even her and my husband.

So, now, if I do treat her very lovingly and try to overlook some of her behaviors, she becomes glued to me. I can be walking across the room lost in my own thoughts about some chore that I am trying to accomplish and all of a sudden there is A., stepping in front of me, expecting me to stop and just stand there and hug for several minutes. This happens all of the time. Then, I am faced with peeling her off of me and hurting her feelings. No matter how nicely I explain to her that a quick hug once in awhile is a good thing, but to be constantly hanging on someone is not, nor is it even healthy, she just won't stop.

I hope I don't sound like a monster. All of this resentment that I talked about has only been escalating this drastically for the past 6 months or so and we have had A. with us for 4 years now. There were periods of time over the years where I would feel this way, but I could always pull myself out of it. Something is different this time. Perhaps it is because A. is getting older and so am I. However, whatever is making this harder can't become an excuse for either of our behaviors. I know I have to work on myself and that is what I intend to do.

I believe in prayer and I know many of you reading this do too. Please pray for my family. We don't have the problems that some families do, but the problems we do have is our reality and therefore they are just as hard to deal with as people dealing with more difficult issues.

I would also like to ask those of you who read my posts to add me to your blog list on your sites. I would love to connect with more foster families and be able to give as well as receive more advice/comments about all of the many many issues that foster families face. That is, after all, the main reason I began this site in the first place: To give and receive support from other foster families.

Dealing With Common Behaviors of Foster Children

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 05:26:00 +0000

I ran across this article about dealing with the behaviors of foster children. Our foster daughter struggles with telling the truth so I have been searching the internet looking for advice on how to treat this negative behavior which can and in fact does completely disrupt our family. This brief article gives a quick overview of 3 common behaviors and a quick explanation of how to deal with each.

How to Deal with Behaviors of Foster Children
By psrael

Step 1
Lying.... Lying is a trait I have found very common in my foster children. First of all, it is important to realize that no child wants to be in trouble and in cases of abuse or neglect they may be willing to do anything to keep from getting into trouble. If you know a child has done something unacceptable it is imperative that you not set the child up to lie to you. Never ask a child if they did it, but rather, "why". This helps you deal with the behavior rather than compounding the behavior with a lie.

Step 2
Stealing.... My experience with foster children doesn't make dealing with someone that steals more understandable however a few things to keep in mind when it comes to stealing is that they normally are taking things that they weren't allowed to have at home. I think it is normal to assume that taking something away as punishment for stealing, however, most foster children have had every material possession taken away more than once so this proves to be of little help. You must find the one thing in your home that is important and that has to be used. It might be the chance to play a video game or go outside with friends but something that has proven to be important to that child.

Step 3
Some Foster Children are hurtful when being reprimanded and use comments about their birth parents to lash out. Although most of us have never had to be in the foster care system it important to never speak negatively about the parent because it will only serve to undermine your work with these children. I have always pointed out the positives of each parent if there are any and pointed out that their parents are in control of their progress not the child.

To view original article, click on title of post.

HAVE YOU BEEN WHERE I AM? ADVICE?

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 09:23:00 +0000

It's 3:25 a.m. and I can't sleep so here I am at my computer.

I didn't get any comments on my last blog about my foster daughter's habit of lying, I was disappointed. I could really use some help with this one. I have questions like: Should I punish her for each lie she tells? Should I punish her for what she lied about? It seems like I would always be punishing her if I used each lie she told as an occasion for correction. It doesn't seem to work anyway. Nothing looks as though it gets through to her. Her behaviour never changes, no matter what consequences I may throw her way. I can talk calmly to her, explaining why what she did was wrong and try to get her to see what lying will do to her reputation. Or, I can punish each and every lie, hoping that a consequence-per-lie system will help her to stop. I can raise my voice and let her know how frustrated it makes me when I have to spend my days deciphering when she is lying and when she is telling the truth. I have explained all about how she is destroying the trust between us, and in fact already has. I can go on and on talking, lecturing, punishing; but nothing makes any difference. Why? What is in this child that makes it so important to her that a lie will come out of her mouth more easily than the truth? We have tried to demonstrate to her that if she would only tell us the truth, she may still receive a consequence because of whatever it is she confessed to, but the consequence will be much much less than if she first lies about it, leaving us to discover the truth for ourselves through our own intuitive means.
I think if I could figure this one out, and learn how to help A. to open up to us and not feel as though she has to lie; our family would be well on our way to healing a lot of the pain and hurt that we have learned to live with ever since A. came into our home. We are so at the end of our rope, and we don't want to be. In our minds, our hands reach for the telephone numerous times a week, ready to call the case worker to tell her she needs to find a new home for A. We have actually called once but never actually said the words. We just talked out our problems with the case worker and told her at the end of the conversation that we would take it week by week. I would hate to do anything right before Christmas anyway.

I'm still hoping for advice from someone who has been where I am.

ADVICE NEEDED: FOSTER CHILD AND LYING

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 16:49:00 +0000

When my husband and I took in our foster daughter, we were not actively seeking to be a foster family. We had known this girl and her family for several years so when the Child Welfare Agency removed this 10 year old girl from her mother's care, the mother requested that we take her in. We were officially named as God Parents so that we could be considered a Relative Foster Family. At that point, we were able to take A. into our home as our foster daughter.

We had no idea what we were in for because we had never looked into, nor studied in any way, what was necessary to be a successful foster family. This 10 year old girl came into our home with all of the usual problems that we have come to understand are common for many foster kids. She saw way too much of the raunchy side of life while she was growing up those first 9 years of her life. She was the "mom" in her family. "Mom" to her little sister and also to her own mom. Then she was sexually abused by one of her mom's boyfriends at age 9. By the time she came to our home, she was a mess.

We took her in thinking we could just take care of her the same as we had taken care of and raised our own 3 biological children. Wrong!!! We quickly learned that this girl that we had taken in and grown to love was not able to think in what we call a "normal" way. She can not process normal day to day reality in the same way we do. Her mom had been severely abused as a young girl and had never bonded to any adult as a child. As a result, she now has what is referred to as "Attachment Disorder". One of the ways people with this disorder learn to cope with life is through constant lieing. Unfortunately, as A. lived with her mom for the first 9 years of her life, she learned how to lie and manipulate just like her mom.

We now do not know when A. is telling us a lie or the truth! We have zero trust in her. She lies about little things and big things. Our fear is that she is only 13 years old. Her teen years are just beginning, which are hard in the best of circumstances. She has already shown extreme interest in boys and in babies. She has asked us what we would do if she came home at age 14, pregnant. What would we do? Would we let her raise the baby? Could she still live with us?

My head spins when I think of what we may be facing in the next few years. We don't feel like we can ever trust her. We don't even leave her alone when we go to the grocery store. I can't see a time when I will ever want her in our house alone, at any age. I fear She will go through our room and personal things. She has already smoked so I imagine she will try that again if given the opportunity. There are just so many ways I can't trust her I can't list them all here. I want so much to just give up and let her move to another foster home. Yet I keep putting it off. I don't know why because I am pretty sure she will not change and our lives are in for some extremely tough times.

Is that selfish of me? I just want my life to return some sense of normalicy. We weren't looking for this, we just stepped in to try and help a family out because we knew them. Now we don't know which way to turn. I am hoping that someone who reads this will have experienced the same feelings and similar experiences that our family has. What can we do about our foster daughter's lieing? What sort of punishments are appropriate for her, that will actually help her to see how damaging her lies are? We have tried several different things but she doesn't seem to learn from anything. She seems to just blow off everything we try to teach her about life. If A. wants to do something, she will do it regardless of whether or not we have already told her not to do it. '

I am really hoping to get a response from someone who has been through fostering a child who lies frequently. We need advice or I fear I am going to give up. If I can't help A., then why is she at our home? She needs to be somewhere where there are people who can get through to her. Is there such a place? Our case worker told us that 75% of all foster homes in our area are considered bad foster homes. That is pretty scary. How can I let A. go when I know the chances of her winding up in a "bad" foster home is so great? Yet, how can I continue on with her in my home when I am so at the end of my tolerance?

Any advice out there?

1st Appearance Not Too Bad After All!

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 15:24:00 +0000

The 1st appearance wasn't bad after all. It took approiximately 20 minutes for the judge to read through the list of legal mumbo-jumbo and to set the date for the "answer" appearance. We were told that the foster kids had to be present, but when we got there they were only allowed to be in the court room for about 5 minutes while the judge made sure they were there and then they were told they needed to leave and wait in the hallway. ????? I did not understand that one. But at least the 1st appearance is done and we on our way to the 2nd one which is in about 1 month. It seems like these things take forever. It's been almost 4 years now and these last few steps could take another year to be over with. I need to learn how to take things day by day and just be happy that things seem to be going the right direction. I sure will be glad when this is all finished though!

1st Appearance

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 06:08:00 +0000

Tomorrow is bio mom's "1st appearance". Our case worker told us that the foster kids would not have to be present at this appearance, but the paper work said otherwise. So the kids have to go. I don't understand why. This is new for us so I don't know what to expect. I hope it is short and uneventful. I'm told this is the time when the "dads" can show up (if they are going to.) I hope no dads show up. They have not been in these kids lives for most of four years and in my opinion don't deserve to show up all of a sudden and be given any rights to these kids. I'll just have to hope and pray that our roller coaster ride doesn't decide to begin again tomorrow.

The Beginning Of The End Of The Ride

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 02:04:00 +0000

Well, it is almost time for another stress filled day as court day approaches. We are now well into our 4th year of foster parenting our beautiful foster daughter A. She is now 13 and well on her way to becomming a beautiful young lady. As court day approaches every 6 months, we all hold our breaths because we all know that in the past this moment that comes twice each year always brings with it some unexpected event that often drives A. into a complete panic. You see, as with most foster children, she loves her mom more than life itself, and she would love nothing more than to be able to go home with her siblings and be a family again. But she also knows that this is not going to happen and she simply is not able to process all of her emotions in a healthy way. She has ridden this 4 year roller coaster ride with us over and over again and we all just want to get off and dismantle the ride and figure out how to dispose of it completely.

I wish I could better understand why it is taking the "powers that be" so long to terminate this mom's parental rights. She has been at that magical "24" for a year now and we keep being told that it is only a matter of time before termination papers will be filed. I wonder if anyone but foster families understand how hard it can be on a foster child to be in a state of limbo for this many years? I can't imagine being a child and hoping beyond all hope that something will happen, a miracle perhaps, that will make it possible for that child to go back to her/his biological parent, yet knowing that it will never happen. The struggle of emotions must be so impossibly overwhelming at times! Our foster daugher has told me that at times she feels like she is going crazy. I'm not in her shoes, but as her foster mom, I can understand a bit of what she means. This whole foster system, though badly needed and yet badly understaffed, seems to be a mess and I simply don't understand why the final decision can take years for some, yet last only a few months for others. When a biological parent is so consistently unable to make good decisions that would keep a child safe, and in fact her bad decisions have already resulted in one of her children being very badly hurt by a boy friend, it seems logical that termination would happen quickly so that the children could get past this horrible part of their lives as quickly as possible and get on with their new, safer lives. Especially when the children all have nice, loving, clean, safe, and nurturing foster homes where the families all want to adopt as soon as termination happens.

I guess I have no influence on the length of this roller coaster ride. I can only try to make the ups and downs as level as possible. Who knows, maybe this month will be the one that is finally the beginning of the end of the ride!

TAKE A STAND!

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 01:39:00 +0000

Poem by Geoffrey Canada
Posted by Gjenifer Stark on June 17, 2009 at 2:22pm

TAKE A STAND

Maybe before we didn’t know,
That Corey is afraid to goTo school,
the store, to roller skate.
He cries a lot for a boy of eight.
But now we know each day its true
That other girls and boys cry too.
They cry for us to lend a hand.
Time for us to take a stand.
And little Maria’s window screens
Keeps out flies and other things.
But she knows to duck her head,
When she prays each night ‘fore bed.
Because in the window comes some things
That shatter little children-dreams.
For some, the hourglass is out of sand.
Time for us to take a stand.
And Charlie’s deepest, secret wishes,
Is someone to smother him with kisses
And squeeze and hug him tight, so tight,
While he pretends to put up a fight.
Or at least someone to be at home,
Who misses him, he’s so alone.
Who allowed this child-forsaken land?
Look in the mirror and take a stand.
And on the Sabbath, when we pray,
To our God we often say,
“Oh Jesus, Mohammed, Abraham,
I come to better understand,
How to learn to love and give,
And live the life you taught to live.”
In faith we must join hand in hand.
Suffer the children? Take the stand!
And tonight, some child will go to bed,
No food, no place to lay their head.
No hand to hold, no lap to sit,
To give slobbery kisses, from slobbery lips.
So you and I we must succeed
In this crusade, this holy deed,
To say to the children in this land:
Have hope. We’re here. We take a stand!

To view original article click on title of this post.

Foster Care to Adoption

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 03:04:00 +0000

I have often been asked, "Why did you and your wife become foster parents?". I usually took the easy way out and replied "why not" or "or we had nothing better to do" or if a business customer would ask, I gave a reply something like "we wanted to help kids" trying to impress him.
There was another reason that was a little selfish on our parts. We had a five year old son and we did not want him growing up as an only child. When my wife gave birth to my son, after a troublesome pregnancy, she had a terribly long painful delivery. So much so, she knew it was something she would never be willing to go through again.
We didn't have the financial resources to even consider some of the adoption alternatives. Fortunately, my wife befriended a neighbor who happened to be a foster parent. Until then, we had no idea about foster care or the types of kids that are in the foster care system. We did have a lot of pre-conceived notions. This neighbor had one foster daughter about six years old. Every inaccurate opinion I ever had about foster children, this six year old shattered.
She was cute, polite, friendly, obviously intelligent, and if that wasn't enough, the most talented young gymnast I had ever seen. She gave us a demonstration of hand walking, cartwheels, and numerous other tricks that was amazing.
While we didn't end up with any gymnasts, we were foster parents for dozens and dozens of children and were extremely fortunate enough to be able to adopt seven of them. Becoming a foster parent wasn't difficult. We contacted our local county Department of Social Services. There were interviews, some paperwork, and training classes to attend. Since there was a shortage of families willing to be foster parents at the time (there probably still is) "Social Services" treated any family, who they thought of as a good candidate, extremely well. In fact, the shortage was so acute that we received our first foster care placement even before we were certified.
I would describe what my family has done as the "Greatest Adventure". People skydive, ski, ride motorcycles, etc. for the feeling of adventure and excitement. I only had to come home from work. For a while, when we were active as emergency foster parents, (willing to accept kids on an emergency basis anytime of the day or night) I never knew how many kids would be in the house when I came home (anywhere from 8 -14). I can also tell you that while these kids came to us, usually to be removed from a "problem situation", they were, on the whole, no problem to us. In the end, many kids came and left but there were seven who stayed to be adopted. No vacation, no trip to the amusement park and no success at work could ever compare to the excitement and emotional satisfaction that these kids have brought to my life. Yes, there were some problems, disappointments, and "emotional lows", but, they were minor in comparison to the overall picture.

To view original article, click on title of this post.

I Hope!

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 02:08:00 +0000

I guess it's time to post an update on my foster daughter and our lives together. I keep hoping that one day I'm going to be able to celebrate and write a post praising God that this whole mess is finished, at least as far as being connected to the foster care system is concerned, and that A. will finally be adopted and be ours. We have been told for months and months that the paper work for termination is on the paralegal's desk and should be filed any day now. I've stopped listening and quite frankly the case worker has now began to simply shrug her shoulders and tell me that my guess is as good as hers as to what is going on and why things aren't moving along more quickly.

In the meantime, A.'s mind is constantly being messed with by her bio mom and the roller coaster ride that she has been on for the past four years is continuing. One month she wants to be adopted and the next mom visit she wants to go home. Then another mom visit and she wants to be adopted. Then another mom visit and she begins talking like her mom is going to come and "steal her" one day and they are going to run away together. Then she will tell me that she never meant any of what she said and that she really wants to stay with us. She claims her mom just has this way of "torturing" her mind and getting her to go along with whatever her mom wants her to. So, since her mom hates us because she has no access to A. as long as she lives with us (except for the one hour a month visit) she has began to talk to A. about claiming that she is unhappy here and that she wants to move to another home. That was a few weeks ago and at that point I was ready to give it all up and let her go. I was so upset and hurt and angry at the whole system and everyone involved including A. that I got on the phone that same day that A. told me she wanted to leave and I told her case worker that I had had it and we needed somewhere for A. to go until another home could be found for her.

Well, my husband felt the need to step in because I was obviously out of control and couldn't be counted on to make a rational decision at this point. So, he went into her room and had a long talk with her while I was out running errands. When I got back, he told me all that they had talked about and that A. had admitted once again that her mom had gotten to her head and that she did NOT want to leave our home. I had cooled off somewhat by this point (a few days past the original announcement from A.) and I decided to go talk to her myself. We talked for around 2 hours and I got the same story that my husband had and she insisted that she did not want to leave.

I am so worn out. I called our case worker and we had a meeting with her, A.'s counselor and my husband and myself. We were asked if we were willing to keep A. or if they needed to begin looking for a new home. We said, no, we were willing to keep her (we do love her very much) and that we would just keep on going until we just couldn't do it anymore.

A. and me and my husband watched the movie "Losing Isaiah" since all of this happened. It happens that A. has a little brother who lives with another foster family and he reminds us all very much of little Isaiah in the movie. (Check out the DVD carousel on the right side of my blog and you will be able to click on the DVD "Losing Isaiah". If you haven't watched this movie, I recommend it.) We have talked before about how hard it would be on A's little brother to be moved from his foster home after four years and returned to a mom that he has never known as "mom". After watching the movie, A. cried and said that she could see how that would be exactly the same way it would feel if her little brother were to be taken from his foster family and returned to his bio mom. She has struggled with the whole idea of whether or not her mom needs her and her little brother and sister to go back home with their mom based solely on the knowledge that she is their Biological Mom and that is where they all belong. She feels sorry for her mom and can't stand the thought of hurting her by none of them ever living with her again as her children. But this movie opened up some new thoughts in A.'s mind and I could just see the wheels turning behind her eyes.

I'm sure our roller coaster ride is not over, but I hope maybe it will not be as horrible as in the past. The next hearing is in October. Maybe then we can celebrate. Who knows. I guess only God does. I'll leave it in his hands. In the meantime, we will continue to love A. and put up with her poor confused mind. School has started so that will give her something else to think about besides her mom. I hope.

Foster Kids Rule the World

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 23:31:00 +0000

Odd title, isn’t it? But it has been on my mind (and in my face) for about a year now, and in sticking with my promise to be honest about all the facets of fostering/adopting, I thought I ought to share.

When kids are taken into custody by the county (though the removal has to be done by a police officer), they are suddenly and acutely aware of a whole different dimension that exists in our society. It is the dimension where adults take everything a kid says as gospel truth. It is, in a way, a necessity, because you can’t really expect parents to be forthcoming about what has gone on in their home when you have just taken away their kids- especially if they face charges as a result. Still, the initial placement into care and the subsequent physical examination, psychological evaluation, and general ‘kid-glove’ approach of the whole foster care team send a very loud silent message about who is running the show when it comes to foster care. Everyone shows such pity for the kids, often giving them a ‘free pass’ on their behaviors. The kids pick up on this very quickly.

To complicate matters, the people caring for foster kids (i.e. foster parents) have a very limited scope of authority over them. They must get approval from a casework supervisor before having the kids treated at an emergency room (even if it is just for strep throat), are required to follow the county’s determination on education for the child, and cannot discipline the kids unless the disciplinary action is within the county guidelines. As I mentioned before, it is important to maintain the role of birth parents as the authority, because the goal is to send the kids home. It does create, however, an environment where no one is truly in full authority over the kids. The birth parents have say on haircuts and school activities, but can’t even take their kids home at the end of the day. The caseworker sets the visitation schedule and oversees the foster parents, but does not have daily interaction with the kids. The foster parents do the leg work of daily care, but are scrutinized on a constant basis. It gives the kids ultimate control, because all they have to do is play the authority figures against one another.

I have yet to meet a foster kid who did not take advantage of this situation. That is not, however, an indication of the depravity in which they were raised, because not all kids are being abused or neglected. Foster care comes about for many different reasons, and even kids whom you might classify as having a ‘normal’ family life will play the system. The Word says that foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, and it is so true. Give that foolishness fuel, and it will manifest in even the best of kids. Sadly, adopting those foster kids does not really change anything. The names on the birth certificate change, and the caseworker is no longer a regular visitor, but the kids have not forgotten the way you as foster parents were under the thumb of the system. They will continue to try and test the boundaries, knowing they have the fall-back of crying wolf to get them out of it if they push too far.

Here is an example: You adopt a child who was the center of attention at home. I mean seriously the center of attention- to lengths I will not disclose here. The child is removed from that home and sent to you along with her siblings. You, not understanding the unspoken rules of the home they lived in, give equal attention to all the children. The golden child becomes enraged and decides to use your lowly status against you. She begins to refuse to eat in an attempt to get attention that is being misdirected to other children. You ignore the behavior, knowing that to engage her is to start down a road you cannot come back from. She continues to refuse to eat, testing to see if you will give in eventually. You hold your ground, knowing that to give in to her now is to set up a life-long meme in her mind of using threat to get what she wants (the threat is getting you in trouble and having all the kids removed from you, and they know this well because every time they see the caseworker she asks if they are happy in your home and if they feel safe). Just when she is about to give up on this method of terrorism, the doctor notices that she is not even registering on the growth chart for her age, and gives you instructions to feed her whatever she will eat. Because you now have the threat of being in trouble with the doctor who can make a call to child services and turn you in for ‘abuse’, you have been put under the heel of a child. Life becomes a living nightmare as you take the child grocery shopping, watching her fill the cart with donuts and chips and cookies, and you scramble to not only pay for a whole different set of food, but to try and keep the other kids in your house from mutiny over the fact that their sister gets to pick and choose and you are making them eat squash and salad and baked potatoes. She is getting that special attention she felt belonged to her after all.

But I haven’t even told you the worst part, yet. There is a double-edged sword when it comes to society and the ‘it takes a village’ mentality. When that child becomes sick from lack of vitamins and fiber, and starts to gain weight to the point of being fat, you are responsible for that as well. Parents in general are walking a tightrope anymore, but it is especially true for foster/adoptive parents whose kids have no loyalty to them and who will manipulate any situation for personal gain. Parents have had their children removed because they are too small and have no muscle tone, and parents have had kids removed for being overweight and unfit. And everyone involved knows that if they come to take the neglected child (because that’s what they classify underweight/overweight kids as) they take ALL of your kids and ask questions later. I’ve had the kids say to me at times ‘if you get in trouble for _____, they’ll take Maggie and Chloë too’. It is a taunt. Sadly, it is very true.

Then you have the time when kids get older and begin to think of themselves as adults. I do not believe in teenage rebellion as a physical phase of life but rather a cultural phenomenon. Too many kids in other countries go through the teenage years without rebellion for it to be a biological change. Instead, we have made kids rulers of their own world when they are not ready to make adult decisions, and the result is a constant struggle between them and the parents who cannot control them yet are still liable for them. This cultural disease we have created is ten times worse in foster/adopted kids because they have nothing to lose. They are fully aware of the fact that you cannot physically make them do anything, and they exploit it. Here’s another example:

Your 13 year old daughter does not want to do anything. I mean literally anything. She says she intended to spend her summer in bed reading. You say no, because not only is that not fair to anyone else, but it is not healthy to stay indoors all the time doing nothing. You try your best ‘member-of-the-family, we need teamwork’ speech, and assign a list of chores for each kid. Because she is the oldest, you have given her the task of mowing the lawn. She doesn’t want to mow the lawn, so she sabotages the job- mowing down your sapling trees, missing large strips of grass, and finally running over a rock which breaks the mower and gets her out of the job completely. So you assign her the job of weeding the garden because, after all, she does eat. Well, you should have known better, because she feigns stupidity and pulls up the plants. OK, fine. Maybe letting her work inside will be better. You ask her to sort the laundry and put it in rooms (we let everyone fold their own, so there wasn’t even folding involved). She puts things in the wrong places on purpose and when you come in to check, there is still a pile of clothes in the living room but she is in bed reading. You are about to blow like Krakatoa at this point, but try diplomacy. You ask her what it is that she would like to do, besides reading, since she is a member of the family and needs to contribute. She says cooking. Well, you can’t just turn her loose in the kitchen because she has no experience, so you leave the outside work to come in and make lunch together. The menu says Salisbury steak and mashed potatoes, so you ask her to start peeling the potatoes. She is clearly miffed, and cuts so much off that the potatoes look like water chestnuts. When you ask, you are informed that she just wanted to stand at the stove and stir. By this point, you’ve had it and inform her that she is not going to tell you what she will and will not do. She starts to throw a tantrum, which scares the baby because why would someone as big as that be acting that way? So you say ‘go throw your fit in the barn where you won’t scare the baby’.

So off she goes to the barn. She is gone all day and doesn’t come back, but you figure she is letting off steam the way she does when she ‘needs to be alone’. Dark falls, and you can see her in the haymow from the yard, but she still will not come home. It’s a stand-off, and again, your common sense says that if you give in, you will be setting her up for a lifetime of believing the way to handle a situation is through threat (that, and your husband demands that you not go get her because she has, in effect, run away from home and has to come back on her own). Lucky for you, your neighbor happens to have just finished her degree in social work and finds your child hanging out the barn window wailing like a baby. Long story short, you get a call that your daughter does not want to come home and that neighbor spends the night debating about whether or not to report you to child services. So guess who has gotten her way as far as lying in bed and reading all summer? Because of the same threat that if we get in trouble, everyone will be taken away. YET, come fall when she has a vitamin D deficiency and we take her to the hospital with a violent flu, we will be responsible.

To view original article click on title of post.

Alyssa Lies - Song by Jason Michael Carroll

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 04:03:00 +0000

Why Being a Foster Care Kid Was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to My Dad

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 03:37:00 +0000

If it hadn't been for foster care...my dad wouldn't be the person he is today...
Hard Working...
Honest...
Highly Successful Small Business Owner...
(even "retired" at age 53)
ALMOST MILLIONAIRE. (my Dad always taught me to be HONEST at all times...so I AM)
But if you ask my extremely humble dad...
He'll tell you he's not rich...
rather he'll say "I've been really lucky", or "I didn't do to bad for a poor foster kid who doesn't even have a high school diploma!"
So How Does a 4 Year Old Jewish Boy End Up In Foster Care Shortly After WWII?Sadly, it was because of the sudden death of my Grandpa.
In 1937, one cold, Minnesota winter morning, a man was rushed to a small hospital by his wife. She was worried about his severe stomach pains and vomiting...the kind which seemed to be his whole insides.
It wasn't long before the doctors discovered a bleeding ulcer that erupted shortly after arriving.
The 53 year old husband and father...of 6 young children...was pronounced dead.
My grandma was devastated...and scared to death of raising and feeding 6 children all by herself.
My Dad was only 2 when his father died.
After struggling for close to 2 years, my grandma was forced to put four of her children in foster care because of poverty.
It's been whispered in our family...
that a wealthy cousin proposed to marry my grandma...but she refused.
He had been in a horrible fire and was severely deformed from first degree burns over his entire body.
Bottom line - my Grandma couldn't marry for money...she didn't love him.
To this day, my Dad and his brothers wonder how things might have turned out differently...?
So my dad went into his first foster care home at the age of 4 years old.
He remembers being told by the social workers that he was going to visit a farm with barnyard animals. There was no farm...and no cute farm animals either.
He grew up in 4 different homes over 14 years.
Some Homes Were Better Than Others.
The last home was the worst...and he lived there for 7 years. It was a 20 acre vegetable trucking farm owned by a hard-working German-American couple.
Don't ask me why my Jewish born Dad was sent to live with a bitter German-American couple shortly after WWII!
Must have slipped through the cracks - a mistake.
Any way, this couple worked him every day after school on their farm picking tomatoes and other vegetables...
Almost like a slave. He wasn't allowed any water breaks, so he used to secretly squeeze the juice out of the tomatoes when they weren't looking for something to drink.
He wasn't allowed to use the indoor bathroom (he had to use the outhouse), he was allowed only 1 bath a week with 1 bucketof cold and hot water taken in the basement, he slept in the attic, and he wasn't allowed to use the faucet or eat on the same dishes as the couple.
But my dad does speak highly of the food...his favorite was fried potatoes with baked beans and bacon.
How generous of them to feed their FREE laborer!
One of my Dad's happiest memories was being in the hospital for 3 days for Scarlett fever.
Now, most kids don't talk about liking being sick or being in the hospital!
But my Dad said the nurses were so nice...he took warm baths...and he even got ice cream!
It's hard for me to listen to my Dad's stories...especially since I'm a mother myself.
It makes me admire my Dad all the more for his success...and how he passed on to me THE most valuable lesson ever...
A STRONG WORK ETHIC.
Also the need to give back.
Why My 2 Daughters, Rachel & Maria, Are Named After 2 Foster Care GirlsSo you've heard the not-so-good childhood of my Dad, but that doesn't mean that ALL foster parents are evil.
Far from it.
For example, my Aunt Dorothy.
She raised some 15 foster care kids, along with her own three children, for 20 years.
I got to know quite a few of her "little angels" as she affectionately called them over my years growing up.
She loved and treated them all like one of her own children...and it showed.
My aunt is 80 years old now...and she still gets Christmas cards, birthday cards, phone calls, and visits from her foster kids.
When I was about 9 or 10 years old, she had two sisters near my age that I remember playing with often.
That was when I was really into "Barbie Dolls"...and we played for hours!
I also remember them both having lice and my aunt and my mom shampooing and combing through their hair by the lake we lived on...yuk!
I had almost forgotten these two little girls...when it hit me that I ended up naming both of my two daughters...
Rachel and Maria...their exact same names!
Coincidence?
I don't think so...they had a profound influence on me...and made me feel the need to help others.
4 Kids Under the age of 6...And a 16 Year Old Troubled Teen Girl?My husband says I'll take in every stray puppy who wanders up to our door...and any stray kid too!
That may be true...but I didn't blink an eye when my niece needed me.
She was 16 at the time...running away...drinking and partying...and causing my single parent sister MAJOR breakdowns.
So my niece came to live with us (and all 4 kids) for a year until she got her act straightened out.
It wasn't easy though...we had to put her in drug and alcohol treatment...and many sessions of counseling.
But it was worth every minute, and if I had to do it all over again...I would do exactly the same thing.
My friends and family thought Andy and I were nuts to take in a troubled teen with 4 little kids of our own...
I thought they were nuts to think I would do anything other than take her in!
That's what foster care provides...unconditional love and understanding for kids who need it.
Do you recognize any of these famous people...who were all foster care kids?Marilyn Monroe...
One of the world's most beautiful and famous movie stars of all time...
Eddie Murphy...
A genius comedian who is best known for his appearances on Saturday Night Live and for his movies "Beverly Hills Cop", "Trading Places", and "The Nutty Professor"...
Eleanor Roosevelt...
First lady and married to one of our country's most beloved Presidents...
along with some history-making achievements of her own.
Here Are Some More You May Or May Not Recognize:Tom Monaghan, super-successful businessman and KING of PIZZAS - Dominoes...
Daunte Culpepper, NFL star quarterback...even with the Minnesota Vikings (my home state, don't ya know!)
Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Psychologist and Author...
and Dan O’Brien...Olympic Gold Medalist... You Can Read All These Stories and More Here
All of these former foster card kids beat the odds stacked against them...and become highly successful...
Because someone...maybe you, your relative, your friend, or your co-worker...
believed in these kids...
And gave THE GREATEST GIFT EVER...
A home.
Some foster kids needing homes are abused, neglected, or abandoned...right here in the good ole United States.
Can you believe there are over a half million kids in the foster care system right now?
And it's not their fault, they weren't "naughty" or "bad"...to be "put" in foster care.
NOT AT ALL.
If my own Dad, Sandy Smith, can end up being a foster kid...it can happen to your kids too.
And yes, it was tough having the name "Sandy" for a guy...
Luckily, my dad is built like a brick house...so most of the kids didn't dare tease him!
The type of home life you provide for your children has a huge impact on your kids financial success
The reason is because most millionaires come from stable, nurturing homes.
My Dad always told me I could achieve anything that I wanted...if I worked hard and believed in myself.
Shouldn't ALL KIDS be told this?
And have a safe, loving home?
Foster care does this every day.
That's my dream.
And like my Aunt Dorothy, I'm going to hopefully make a difference in kids lives as a foster parent.
Depending on your situation, there are many ways to help...Believe me...the pay off for foster care is way more rewarding that anything you can imagine...
and you'll be setting an excellent example of caring and giving for your kids to follow.
Types of Foster Care:Long term care
Short Term Care
Adult Care
Emergency Care
Pre-Adoption Care
Therapeutic Care
Traditional Care
Post-Adopt Care
On average, foster kids remain in the system for 32 months, and only half return to their parents. You can get more statistical foster care information at the U.S. Government's AFCARS website. You could also contribute to foster care organizations to help with the transition of foster kids into adulthood.
Would you ever expect your 18 year old to be financially on his own?
That's exactly what's expected of foster kids who age out and turn 18 years old.
Sadly, many of them end up homeless, pregnant at an early age, or in prison. So any way you can help makes a HUGE IMPACT.
Basic Requirements of Foster Care usually include:* completion of an application for family home license * background check, criminal history check and finger printing of each adult member of the household * family stability * home inspection and personal interview * character references * minimum age of applicant: 21 * prior to licensure/certification pre-service training
Foster parents receive a partial reimbursement of costs incurred for each child in your care.
You can download information about foster care payment rates from the Casey National Center for Resource Family Support.
So remember, although some kids have come from broken families and homes...ALL can achieve success and happiness...
And Become Millionaires-in-the-Making!
Do you have what it takes to help?

To view original article, click on title of post.

Children in Foster Care

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 18:27:00 +0000

The following table shows the number and percent of children in foster care in the United States, according to age, gender, race, and length of stay.

Percent /Number

Total 532,000

Ages
Under 1 year /5%/ 24,290
1–5 years /22 /128,946
6–10 years /24 /116,801
11–15 years /30 /158,290
16–18 years /17 /92,091
19 years and over /2 /10,321

Gender
Male /52 /278,916
Female /48 /252,932

Race/ethnicity
White, non-Hispanic /39% /205,478
Black, non-Hispanic /37 /195,040
Hispanic /17 /89,177
American Indian/Alaskan Native,
non-Hispanic /2 /9,792
Asian, non-Hispanic /1 /3,423
Hawaiian/Pacific Islander,
non-Hispanic /0 /1,465
Unknown/unable to determine /3 /14,432
Two or more races non-Hispanic /2 /12,986

Lengths of stay
Less than 1 month /5 /23,948
1–5 months /18 /94,399
6–11 months /16 /84,707
12–17 months /12 /62,036
18–23 months/ 8 /45,008
24–29 months /7/ 36,236
30–35 months/ 5 /27,196
3–4 years /13 /70,754
5 years or more/ 16 /87,694

(Click on title of post to see original table.)

NOTE: Preliminary FY 2002 estimates as of August 2004. Percentages may not add up to 100% and numbers may not add up to totals due to rounding.
1. Hispanic can be of any race.
Source: U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services, Admin. for Children and Families, Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System (AFCARS) Report #9. Web: www.acf.dhhs.gov/programs/cb .

ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Thu, 28 May 2009 02:22:00 +0000

It seems so long ago that I was blogging about my foster daughter A. and our hopes that her mom would be found unfit and her parental rights terminated thereby leaving A. available for adoption. A. came to live with us approximately 4 years ago and her mom's case is moving agonizingly slowly! It seems that everybody agrees she is an unfit mom, however she is not the horrible monster that beat her children or abused them savagely. She is a mom who made poor choices in boyfriends and friends in general and put her kids at constant risk which resulted in A. being raped by one of her mom's boyfriends. This man was a registered sex offender at the time and mom knew it. Yet she let him babysit her two little girls.

After waiting an unbelievable number of months before telling anyone what had happened to her daughter, the mom finally did tell the local child welfare agency and the kids were placed in foster care. Since that time, the mom has repeatedly shown that she continues to make poor choices in boy friends and friends. She consistenly finds it necessary to move from place to place as she can't seem to hold onto her money long enough to pay her rent or utilities. She Drives when she does not have a driver's license and the list goes on and on and on. Yet, it seems that the court system is having a hard time making the final decision to terminate her rights. The two oldest girls have verbally stated that they do not want to go back home with mom, that they wanted to stay with their individual foster families. The judge even made the statement at the last hearing that he "could not tell you (addressing the people in the court) when exactly to file, but I do not understand what the hold up is"!

What is the hold up? These kids have been on this roller coaster ride for long enough already. It is time to make a decision and move forward with it. The last I heard was that the termination papers were sitting on the paralegal's desk waiting to be filed. That was months ago and still there has been nothing more done. A. has gone though every emotion possible during these past 4 years. She just finally got to the point where she was saying she did not want to go home anymore because she realized that her mom was not going to change and she knew that her mom could not keep her safe. She told the GAL at court that she wanted to stay with us and be adopted by us. However, now it has been a couple of months since the last hearing and her mom has gotten to A.'s head again and now A. is back to where she is defending her mom and claiming that she wants to go home no matter what. This has been such a nightmare.

I am wondering if anybody else who may read this has had a similar experience. I would like to hear from you if your foster child's parent was found unfit and told that termination papers would be filed, but then month after month went by without anything more happening. I would like to know some of the possible reasons that those papers are being held and not filed. There has to be some explanation. No one will tell any of us foster parents who each have one of this woman's children what the hold up is. I say again - there just has to be some reason these papers are not being filed. Please somebody, enlighten me. The next fitness hearing is in October and quite frankly I do not want to go through the emotional ups and downs that always comes when hearing time gets close. A. is getting bitter about the whole thing and some days she takes it out on us and some days she takes it out on her mom. This needs to be DONE!

Thanks for being patient while I vented. I have been told that our case is not the usual way that things go in the foster system. Most of the time parents are found fit or unfit fairly quickly and papers are filed and the adoption comes pretty quickly after that. Lucky us, we seem to have gotten hold of a real doozy of a mom who is keeping this whole case in confusion.

Enough already! Let's give these poor little kids a break! Life is tough enough. Stop dragging this case on and on. Enough already!

Getting My Life Back Under Control (Hopefully!)

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Tue, 26 May 2009 11:59:00 +0000

This is my first entry for quite some time. It just seems like life took over for awhile. But, I am going to try to take it back into my control again. This is the last week of school for my kids and it has been a hectic end to the school year, as usual. Grades have dropped and attitudes seem sort of "I don't care-ish". I'm not sure what happened, but I do know I have to try to fix that before next year begins!

I'll be posting again later today, but right now I need to wake my kids up for school. That, by the way, is something I'd like some advice on when I post later. I'll explain then.

I'll talk to you later!

Foster Child Gains Much From Previous and Present Foster Home

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 00:56:00 +0000

Happy Birthday Hannah
Posted by : Kelly in Foster Adoption Blog at 08:35 am , 590 words, 40 views Categories: Daily life

Hannah turns 7 today and she’s having a great day. Our family tradition is that you get breakfast in bed on your birthday (somehow I never get it on my birthday) and get to open your gifts while still in bed. What a way for a 7 year old to start the day.Hannah is a far cry from the 4 year old child that I first met. She was an angry little girl who screamed at the top of her lungs for eight hours. She was as oppositional as a child could get. She would not let anyone hug her, she would not cuddle with her mom, she tried to choke her older brother and so on. The little girl I have today is nothing like that. She hugs me every morning when I wake her up, she tells me she loves me several times a day, she asks for cuddle time before she goes to bed and makes me laugh on a regular basis. Her tantrums are age appropriate tantrums.

The thing that I come back to over and over again is that I feel for her previous family. The little girl I have is amazing and brings so much joy to my life. Her previous family deserved this little girl. They worked incredibly hard for her and did everything they possibly could to help her, but she wouldn’t let them. I didn’t do anything amazing to help her, but she let me into her heart. I know that her previous mom is thinking about her today and I know she will be calling Hannah after school to wish her a happy birthday. They still love her and I know this day has got to be hard on them.

They are happy for her that she is doing well and know that she would not have healed in their home, no matter what they did. However, there has still got to be a sense of loss. They DID work hard for her and put all of their hearts into helping her. That impacts your life forever.

Hannah is a better child having lived with them. She did allow herself to learn and gain some things and I don’t take credit for those. This little girl has the most wonderful manners, and I had no part of that whatsoever. She has a beautiful child’s faith in God that was instilled in her before I ever met her. She freely prays for people who are hurt or sick. I love that part of her heart. Hannah would not be the child she is if she had not lived with her previous family. They have helped me to create this amazing little girl.

I cannot fully celebrate with Hannah today. I have a bible study class out of town this weekend. I am surprising Hannah at school to have lunch with her and bringing a treat for her class. Her party is not for a couple of weeks due to scheduling conflicts, but we will enjoy it when it comes. I am happy for my little girl, but at the same time she is growing closer to becoming a young lady and I will lose this part of her. She is my last child (unless God has something up his sleeve) so I know it’s the last time I will go through some of these things. I’m trying to focus on the amazing child she is right now.

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A Little Boy Gets A New Chance At Love And Happiness

noreply@blogger.com (Diane) — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 12:18:00 +0000

A Boy Named James

Today my heart was touched by a boy named James. James is 1 1/2 years old and has been placed as a foster child with my mother and father-in-law. So far all of Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop's foster children have had sad stories. They were all very young, mostly babies, and they all eventually went back to their parents. James' mother relinquished all of her rights to her son. He will be in foster care until he is adopted. The sad part of his story is that he was removed from a foster home last night. He arrived at my in-laws house at 12:15 a.m. this morning. His papers indicated that due to unfit circumstances it was necessary to remove him from his foster home. What the hell is that? It breaks my heart to hear that foster parents are neglecting the children. Their only doing it for a check. That's just not right. All children deserve a good caring enviroment. It doesn't take much to love a sweet innocent baby.

The best thing that could have happened to him was coming to our family. After Little D's soccer game we went over to meet him. Little D played a magnificent game, he was on offense the entire game, they won 3-1, by the way. I admit it, I'm a soccer mom. I have so much fun at his games.

James was sitting in his highchair when we came in and he was the saddest looking soul I've ever seen. After I let him get used to me awhile, I scooped him up in my arms and smothered him with kisses. He began to smile and trust me a little. As most little ones are, he is ticklish. So, of course, I had to start tickling him. Well, he belted out a laugh so deep that it instantly spread smiles throughout the room. This is when we bonded.

After I put him down, he outstretched his little arms toward me, so I had to pick him back up. He wrapped his little arms around my neck and snuggled into my shoulder. When Mom-Mom tried to take him, he screamed and wouldn't let me go.

I spent an hour with this little boy and probably showed him more love than he has ever had in his life. I'm so happy he is with the family now. He will begin to learn what it feels like to be held and snuggled, clean and warm, safe and sound.

I am Mom-Mom's babysitter because I live the closest, so James will be spending a lot of time at our house hanging out. I hope when this little guy finally gets adopted, it will be to a loving home with people who waited their whole lives to be his parents. Say a little prayer that James' life starts to turn around now before he gets old enough to start remembering his hard times. In the meantime, he'll be safe, loved, and most of all wanted.

This is a post from the blog site: My Random Thoughts And Hells.
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