Here’s a list of common questions that you might have after seeing the movie. Warning: SPOILERS!

Pete and Ellie look through an internet listing of kids who need a family.  Is that a real website?

Yes, the website is Adopt US Kids. Many kids from all 50 states are listed in their photolisting but their listing doesn’t include every kid looking for a family.

Pete and Ellie attend an adoption fair. Is that real? Isn’t it kind of gross, like shopping for kids?

Yes, some counties really do put on adoption fairs. And YES, everyone thinks they are really awkward.  But YES, kids and families are able to get connected much quicker through them.  We know people who have adopted kids they met at an adoption fair.  They are by-invitation-only for families that have already completed the certification process.

Are there really foster parents in it just for the money?

Instant Family portrays a couple known as the Muskies who are caring for the kids in a less that loving environment. The social workers confess that though they are a safe place for the kids, the Muskies will miss the paycheck.  Instant Family gets it right that there are some people in the system in order to get the stipend that comes with caring for the kids, but most foster parents are not like that. Agencies generally make sure that prospective foster parents can care for their own needs without the monthly stipend.  The stipend is different in every state and county but can be anywhere from $600-$1100 a month per child.  Most foster parents will tell you that they spend more on the child than they receive.

Do the kids really have to pack all of their stuff in garbage bags?

Unfortunately this is the case for far too many kids. Many times they are forced to leave their birth families in a hurry and garbage bags are the only thing on hand. There are some great charities that are working to change this one stigma.  Check out Together We Rise and Hope in a Suitcase.  You’ll notice toward the end of the movie that Pete and Ellie start to pack all of the kids’ stuff into suitcases.

Why did the kids have so many stuffed animals and why did they call them “Court Bears”?

In many places, when children attend family court they are given the opportunity to pick a stuffed animal. If they end up going to court frequently they can end up with a lot of teddy bears.

Why weren’t the kids taken away from Pete and Ellie when Juan dropped the nail gun on his foot? Wasn’t that neglect?

Foster parents are held to high standards, but accidents can still happen. Foster parents  have their homes checked on a regular basis to make sure they live in a safe environment, and tools like nail guns are required to be kept locked up. If this happened in a foster home in real life, there could be an investigation to determine if the foster parents were negligent in leaving a nail gun with Juan unsupervised. There would be a corrective action plan to retrain the foster parents. Pete and Ellie and their social workers would have also had to fill out a lot of paperwork after an event like that.  Every time a child is hurt, most states require a Special Incident Report (SIR) to be filled out. This is in part to make sure it was truly an accident, and not that the foster parents are abusing the kids and claiming it’s an accident.

Where were the kids after Pete and Ellie got arrested? Why didn’t they stay with Grandma Sandy? How did they get them back after assaulting someone?

Foster kids have to remain with certified foster parents. Occasionally kids are temporarily moved to a respite home. Sometimes foster parents have to leave and can’t take the kids with them (vacation, funerals, weddings, etc), and in those cases the kids will stay with another foster parent.  After Pete and Ellie are arrested, the kids go to spend the night with a respite family. Sometimes another family member that lives in the house with the foster parents will also be certified and the kids could remain in their home.  Most states also practice some form of “prudent parenting” which allows a foster child to temporarily stay with someone who doesn’t have a foster license (like for a sleepover or camping trip with friends or family).

Though the incident was played for laughs in the movie, assaulting a stranger is serious business. In real life it would be possible that Pete and Ellie would have lost their certification in addition to their other legal challenges.  Their agency and county social workers would carefully consider the situation.

Will the County take the kids away and give them back to their birth parents?

The primary goal in foster care is family reunification. Every one is working to get the kids back home with their birth parents. That’s a good thing! Unfortunately it doesn’t always work out for every family. There are a certain number of benchmarks that birth parents must successfully pass in order to be reunified with their kids. If they don’t meet those standards the County will do their best to find an adoptive home for those kids. Usually their foster parents are asked first if they would like to adopt. Once adoption is finalized there is NO chance the kids will be returned to the birth parents (even if the birth-parents radically change their lives). Adoption is final; the kids are even issued new birth certificates that include the names of their adoptive parents.

The kids have a visit with their birth mom. Is this typical?

Yes most kids in foster care have regularly scheduled visits with their birth parents.  The situations vary based on the circumstances of the case. Judges want kids to maintain an attachment with their birth parents, and visits provide an opportunity for parents to show they have the ability to parent their kids safely.  Visits are scheduled regularly, sometimes more than once a week, and often with someone monitoring the visit.  Many times the foster parents serve as the monitor.  As reunification becomes more likely, birth parents are given unmonitored and overnight visits.

Visits are court-ordered and foster parents don’t have a say in whether or not they happen.  In the movie, Lizzy tells Pete and Ellie that she’d like to start seeing her birth mom. In real life, Pete and Ellie would have found out from their social worker.  After adoption it’s up to the adoptive parents on whether or not there is any contact with the birth parents.

Pete and Ellie say they feel like they’re just babysitting someone else’s kids.  Is that how it is for everyone?

For many foster parents, yes, they feel like they are viewed as long term babysitters.  Birth parents often feel threatened by the relationship and view foster parents as part of a system that’s treating them unjustly.  At times foster parents know more about the child and how to successfully redirect the child than the birth parent, but their input is frequently rejected. It can feel discouraging. Having a strong support group of people outside of the process can be helpful.

Was the judge picking between Pete and Ellie and their birth mother?

No, birth parents are evaluated on the merits of their own case.  If the foster parents aren’t fit to parent, the kids are not returned to their birth parents; instead they are moved to a different foster family. Children are only returned to their birth parents when the parents demonstrate that they can provide a safe environment for their kids.  In fact the judge in that scene says to Pete and Ellie, “This is not about you,” which is exactly right. Only the birth parent is evaluated in that court setting.

Interested to learn more about how you can adopt through foster care? Check out Adopt US Kids. If you live in California, Washington or Nevada, we recommend our agency, Olive Crest.

Instant Family opens in theaters on November 16, 2018

Thank you so much for listening and learning with us all these years. After nine years of chronicling our family’s journey, we’ve decided to take a hiatus. You can still find a few of our favorite episodes here, and please like our page on Facebook  to be notified of any future episodes.

Looking back over the past nine years, we feel incredibly humbled that so many listeners have decided to join us in loving and serving foster kids. When we were new foster parents, we had grand visions of how we could impact the lives of children in foster care. Very quickly we realized that our ability to care for children was going to be limited by our own time, space and energy. So you can imagine how encouraged we’ve been to know that the podcast has played a part in others stepping up to care for children in foster care.

Our website and Facebook page will remain up as we still plan on being a resource for foster parents. Keep up the hard work, because as you’ve heard… “Foster parenting is the most frustrating, heart-wrenching, all consuming thing we’ve ever done, but when it comes down to it, it’s just about helping kids. And that’s been the most rewarding thing in our lives.”

T interviews Johnston Moore about ICWA. They discuss the origins and intentions of the federal law and its ongoing application. Originally created to ensure the rights of Native Americans, Moore says that the law is sometimes used to make decisions that may not be in the best interests of children.

Johnston Moore belongs to a network of activists working to amend the law. If you wish to contact him, he can be reached at http://www.home-4-ever.org

Many foster parents draw firm boundaries between themselves and their foster children’s birth parents. But is this right? In this interview with Saint Fults, a social worker in St. Louis, Missouri, we learn of another perspective of openness toward birth family relationships from the beginning of the child’s placement.

Fults advocates that foster parents should consider opening their lives more fully to birth families, including hosting visits in the foster home.

The perspective challenged us to think about what is truly best for the children in our care, and how a higher degree of openness in foster care might better set up birth families for successful reunification.

We’ve heard a lot of stories about foster care. Sometimes the stories are in the news, sometimes we hear them from people we know, and sometimes strangers volunteer their perspectives. Rather than sweeping the dirt under the rug, we think we should talk about it.

So this episode is our attempt to confront negative stories about foster care experiences. We talk about abusive foster parents, delays in the adoption process, biased social workers and judges, and the pain of getting attached and having to say goodbye.

Come see us in person and enjoy other great speakers at the KidBridge Seminar in Rolling Hills Estates, CA on Saturday, October 29!

Jacob mentioned his film project CAMP. You can contribute to his Kickstarter Campaign here. Help him reach his goal!

In this episode we tackle some of the toughest doubts and questions thrown at the foster care system. We respond to questions about inept social workers, the rights of birth parents and the limbo that kids are left in as they wait for the courts to decide their futures. We also share some thoughts on risk and what type of person it will take to reform the system.

“To Risk”

by William Arthur Ward

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.

Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.

The pessimist complains about the wind;

The optimist expects it to change;

And the realist adjusts the sails.

Everyone seems to love the “Starfish Story” by Loren Eiseley. We’ve got a new take on this old classic and promise you’ll never see starfish the same way again.  This is an episode you won’t want to miss; it matters to this one!

Photo courtesy of OrangeCounty_Girl

Also in this episode, we answer listener Kim’s question about how to help a foster child transition to his adoptive home.

If you are a Christian, then you definitely should listen to this one. It’s our thoughts on why Christians MUST be involved in some way in orphan care.

Some of the verses we mention:
James 1:27
Isaiah 58
Ephesians: 2:8-10
Matthew 10:8
Philippians 4:13

Coming soon: stay tuned for our National Adoption Month plans. Email with any of your adoption specific questions.

Tim’s brother is a caricature artist. He did a great representation of Andrea and Linda. We decided this was a good way to show everyone what they look like. Andrea is on the left and Linda is on the right.

If you’re only going to listen to one episode, this is the one to listen to. We talk about:

• The #1 question we’re asked about foster parenting
• The problem of attachment
• 40% of people in homeless shelters were once foster kids!
• How to pray for Andrea and Linda’s mom, Carmen
• Tim makes a reference to a bad 80’s movie